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deripmaver · 3 years ago

Note

4 5 6 for ALL OF THE CaPri FANFICS

LKSJMDHGVLKSJ ALL OF THEM???

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue? 5: What part was hardest to write? 6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

Ink On Paper (tongue fic) 4. lmfaoooooooo there isn't a whole lot of dialogue in this one oop-

Laurent nodded. The wax softened as he pressed his hand into it, erasing his previous message. Soft, warm, melting under his touch. He wrote again, I need someone who is not afraid to read out the insults I make towards the idiots at court. You have been fired, Damianos.

i guess it technically counts lmfao. i just wanted to show laurent post-trauma still able to make jokes and snipe at his husband so it wasnt all doom and gloom 5. i'm not sure exactly what "hardest to write" here means because like... a lot of these fic have serious gore or otherwise upsetting content, but both emotionally and actually writing wise i find that kind of thing actually pretty easy to write hahahaha. i think i got stuck with the chronology and the decision to make it non-linear made it flow a lot better. for the record writing laurent getting raped and then having his tongue cut out was actually very easy to write, i think i got it out in basically one go. #cancelme the more fucked up and intense the easier i find to nyoom through it 6. my first ever fic in the capri fandom!!!! hehehehhehehe <333333 Level Of Concern (plan B fic) 4.

Before Nicaise could say anything, Laurent spat, “Does he know you had your first heat?”

SURPRISE nic was the one who was pregnant the whole time!!!!!!! 5. this one i banged out REALLY quickly so i cant think of anything here 6. capri omegaverse!!!!!!! i wish there was more of this 🥺🥺🥺 Like Me (what if Auguste was also abused fic) 4. ******CW INCEST MENTION CW ABUSE MENTION******

“Your brother’s stuck his dick in every single member of your family,” Auguste spat out, laughing, crying, and so miserable he thought his heart would stop. His voice rose again, and he felt something burst from him as he screamed for the whole world to hear, “Did you know that? Did you, huh papa? Did he fuck you too?”

dude this line is so fucked up lmfao but i enjoyed writing it so much. actually this entire scene where auguste is having his breakdown was really intense to write and im really pleased with how it came out OR

Auguste grabbed him suddenly, looking up into his grief-stricken face desperately. “Please, Laurent,” he pleaded, voice breaking. “Please. Don’t let him end up like me.”

i felt entirely too clever with this line lmfao. i was like ~ooooohhhhh title drop~ im so dumb 5. i just remember this one like. dragged on for some time. i couldnt figure out what to do with it, how to get everything to coalesce around the final reveal about auguste 6. plot twist!!!!!!! plus auguste angst. i really enjoyed this one, i wrote it after watching the movie Spotlight which is one of my all time faves Softly, Gently 4.

“My King has been overexerting himself again, I presume?” Paschal sighed, shaking his head with a fond smile. “When have I ever done that?” Laurent cocked his head to the side, a wry smile on his face.

hehehehe sassy laurent my beloved <33333 5. honestly im just going to skip this one from now on lskjghmvlksjhglkvsjhdl i just get "stuck" sometimes without rhyme or reason and its usually on boring stuff, but then i cant remember later. the hardest part for me is when my dumb fucking adhd brain wont let me focus on writing but once i overcome that its usually pretty smooth sailing 6. horny omegaverse.................... my beloved............... giving men vaginas for horny reasons my beloved......................... Water of Life (birth fic)

“Do you want to hold him?” Erasmus breathed, eyes glassy. The baby cried, Erasmus bouncing him tenderly in those sunkissed arms. He looked apologetic. “Only for a moment, it’s not quite over yet.” A playful smile danced on Erasmus’ lips, and he brushed away a slick, damp curl from the wailing baby’s head. “A head this big, he certainly takes after Exalted.”

a cute, fun lil line in the sea of horrible angst lmfao ORRRRRR

Erasmus knelt before Damen, before Laurent. He said, “Exalted… Can you command his Highness to push?” Damen froze. “Do you mean…?” Erasmus nodded. “Alpha command.” Damen’s expression crumpled. He said, in a voice that shattered Erasmus’ heart, “I can’t. I can’t do that to him.” Erasmus licked his lips. “Exalted, in this state, he can’t push. His contractions are weaker. He’ll-” “I can’t,” Damen cried, clinging to Laurent’s limp body like a lifeline. “He’d… He’d never forgive me.”

damen is so sweet........ he loves laurent so much...... ORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

He stopped at the doorframe, turning to face Laurent with tears in his eyes, and whispered, “How long does it take, your Highness?” Laurent, shocked enough to respond, hissed, “What?” “I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking of it,” Erasmus said, voice thick in his throat, tears burning at his eyes. “How long until it’s over?”

real sad hours if u up click like. i love erasmus and laurent bonding over their shared trauma <33333333333333333333 laurent and erasmus friendship propaganda 24-fucking-7 bay bee!!!!! 6. unironically this is one of my fav fic ive ever written skdljmfhgvlksjdhflmgkvjshldkjfghvmls call the midwife is one of my favorite shows and writing this made me look at birth as something visceral and possibly horrible and traumatic. i wanna write more fucked up birth scenes, SO MANY MORE. ridley scott knew what he was doing Sandalwood (erasmus/kallias my sweet boys i love u so much) 4.

“I do,” Erasmus breathes, ducking his head, flushed as though embarrassed. “In the gardens, the perfume from the orange trees all around us on those summer nights.” Kallias smiles behind him – Erasmus knows his body so intimately he can feel it in how Kallias’ posture changes, though he can’t see the soft turn of his lips. “The scent was so cloying I thought it would drive me mad. It made me want to kiss you senseless.” Erasmus laughs, breathlessly, imagining the warm heat of Kallias’ mouth against his. “Don’t blame that on the orange trees, dear one.”

beloved..................... im weeping.......... 6. these two make me fuckign CRY ON THE REG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH MY SWEET BOYS YOU DESERVE THE WORLD- Wisps of Smoke******************* (lauguste fic) 4. ***CW EXPLICIT INCEST*** (i mean....... obviously lmfao)

“Call me what I like,” Auguste growled against his ear. “You know what I like.” He did. Laurent did. He knew everything Auguste liked – the slow flick of Laurent’s tongue on the underside of his cock, that tender spot behind his earlobe, the way Laurent’s thighs looked straddled atop him like his horse – and this. “Brother,” Laurent gasped, desperate, “Brother, please, harder. Harder.”

i wanted the incest to be explicitly part of the kink here lmfaoooooo 6. hehehehehehehhehehehhehe lauguste................... i need to write more of u But I Love It (laurent is allergic to latex fic) 4.

“Laurent,” Auguste said, voice high in warning. Laurent braced himself, stiffening visibly. With what seemed to be monumental effort, Auguste continued, “You know, Laurent. I’m proud of you.”

IM A SOFT BITCH OK???????????????? auguste is PROUD of his baby bro for overcoming his sexual trauma and getting that fat dick 6. SLJHVDLMKJDHGVLK PEOPLE FUCKING LOVED THIS FIC i tried to be funny and i think it worked. plus some softe bits thrown in. i also kind of see lots of humor fic where its a no abuse au, but i wanted to write something comedic where the regent still. existed u kno????? anyways hahahahha i dont think i can write anything like this again but im glad y'all liked it Is It Cold In The Water (slice of life fic) 4.

Laurent opens his mouth to say something cheeky, but instead, what comes out is: “Do you think Aimeric had the right idea?” Damen is quiet for so long, gaze serious and framed with his long, dark lashes, that Laurent wonders if he’d spoken aloud at all – and when he’s sure he had, he realizes Damen had remembered Aimeric after all. When he speaks again, the sleep is gone from his voice. “Laurent,” Damen says carefully, as though approaching a spooked horse, “Is something wrong?”

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 soft,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, 6. ruby likes this fic lskjdvhmflgksfjdhmvglkjsdhflkvgmjhlekjfhdvlgskjfhv im a SIMP- The Devil's Got Nothing On Me (AIMERIC FIC LEGGOOOO) 4. there are lots of lil nuggets in here!!!!

Aimeric blinks, and all he can think is, you knew? He says, "I – I just." "I am a patient man," Guion breathes, "I support everyone in my household. Everyone. But Aimeric, you are truly testing my patience. Your mother came to me in tears, begging me to find you. Look at what you did to her! There was nothing I could say until we found you!" "I'm sorry," Aimeric whispers, looking at Loyse, "I'm-" "Look at me," Guion roars.

this conversation was inspired by a very miserable encounter with my boss lmfao. fuck that guy and fuck guion

The regent, blue eyes sparkling - and Aimeric has never thought eyes could look just like a summer sky until now - says to Guion but really to Aimeric, "I was thinking I could take little Aimeric riding tomorrow. Just the two of us." Loyse says, before Guion can speak, voice trembling with relief, "I think that's a wonderful idea, your Highness."

~dramatic irony~ lmfaoooooooooo. WE know of course that this is a bad thing, but it's always fun to have characters make bad choices that they have no idea are bad. i also did this briefly in "Like Me" with auguste's ex wife taking nicaise to church because she was so overwhelmed at home and he offered to help. of course, the regent is always happy to help out. evil evil evil

"-was worried it might be difficult for him." A soft, lilting laugh. The guards had said the regent was in the library, and then there is Guion, right there with him. Aimeric is suddenly angry, not sure why his father is with the regent, who is his and no one else's. The regent responds, "I daresay it's been perfectly easy. It seems you've done most of the work already."

i wanted to highlight the fact that it was aimeric's neglect that lead him to the regent in the first place. hence "youve done most of the work already" - guion by ignoring and neglecting aimeric created the perfect environment for the regent to sweep in and take advantage. like leaving food out btwn 40-140 F is a perfect breeding ground for bacteria LOL. the books touch on that but i wanted to make it explicit

He is so, so ashamed. It's unbearable, the thought of her kind eyes, the way she cried for him, the way he pushed her away. Before he'd left to join the prince's guard, she had taken his hand, kissed it, and said in a voice fragile as glass, "It's been such a long time since I've seen you smile like that," but in that moment he could think only of the regent's letter warm in his pocket.

6. honestly i know ive sounded super conceited this whole time but i kind of tear up whenever i read through the end of the fic lmfao. aimeric is just so fucking depressing as a character and i love that i really got to explore that in this fic. he really didnt have anyone, did he????? he's like a tragic greek character where you just watch him stumbling towards his inevitable end and it hurts the whole time. its even worse on the reread ANYWAYYYYYYY thats it. thanks so much for the ask anon!!!!!!! feel free to send me more!!!

#captive prince fanfic #captive prince #captive prince fanfiction #ask meme #capri fanfic

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startwithbrooklyn · 3 years ago

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THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 30, 2019 // larkspur lane/the whisper box

this post is a double whammy cause they have 2 eps happen in the same day if u can believe it (thats how awful judging timelines in this show is!!)

-"hi josh..." LMAOOOOOOO

-BESS just breaking in lmaooo how many god damn times does bess just shit the bed in this show

-LOVE her frowny face at nancys closet ("my expectations are low" lmfaoooo but this would totally be me)

-"bet she meant it metaphorically" okayyy but then why did lucy say that at all? i feel like theres defo more to this story, combined with josh's cagey behavior (part of which is to get nancy to stop looking into shit d/t him and karen but still)

-"they dont accept visitors unless they're family" .....🙂

-ace "youre really good at that" to bess i fuckin love this friendship with all my heart (also love their talk at the claw mirroring nick & nancys talk in the last ep)

-also PINK AND ORANGE BESS ARE U BLIND (also 1) why tf would nancy own this and 2) where would she wear it??)

-okay wtf is vampire dip

-"boss??" see this is what i meant yesterday about nancy ruining everything for nick/george

-god DAMN she sucks at dealing with this news lmaooo that emotional competency babey + love george literally agrees to help bc she feels bad (AND nicks immediate look of "you just reprimanded me for helping her last ep and i know why youre doing this rn" lmaoooo)

-LOVE george noticing nick "shout out to jean valjean" lmaooo once again nancy would never have noticed/commented on something like that

-"get the hell out of here" was this foreshadowing for an epic dad joke for these two eps? "how do you make holy water? you boil the hell out of it" 😂😂😂😂

-so what i dont get about the whole haunting is the ball + kids' laughter but its all the emphasis on "mr roper" the adult? wtf like what kind of entity is this

-"how did you ever have a solo career??" 😂

-okay amaya's hair is gorgeous here (also "you feel like a snack" ....👀) *ahhh so the reason bess feels so off balance is bc its like a top vs a top scenario

-has anyone who's ever been to prison confirmed this is what it looks like?

-love how ace is the only employee there when they all leave so he had to fucking close the place when he goes

-why does she take the whole file? time constraints? it'd be smarter to take pics + replace it (better sleuthing) but this place is clearly not well run anyway 😂

-so this is a pretty decent cover she invents but theres no way she would get away with it so easily for a real guard

-love how ace recognizes ryan's car (+ is able to find it by driving around)

-"my father wouldnt do anything like that" LMFAOOOOOO SIS WHY ARE U DEFENDING HIM ironically, ace is actually the best person suited to engage w ryan here d/t the car accident + connection with laura being ryans SIL. its a unique set up

-i am fascinated by the concept of priests + holy water being so effective here combined with mcginnis' beliefs and basically nondenominational ghosts/seances etc after that. the show is very clearly big on diversity but definitely steers clear from too much WASP stuff yk? wonder if other stuff from christianity works against the ghosts/demons like taking refuge in a church "holy ground" or using silver etc

-"did this start after the night of sept 10?" *this is where you get the time line for the seance if you didnt know

-this is so fucking funny when u realize that patient sal talks to is actually a ghost so sal really is psycho i guess 😂

-bitchsplain/tall jar of mayonnaise 🙏🏻😌 2gether 4ever

-how did ace get this van? also heart attack when he yells at carson (but then grins at him like a goofball lmaooo)

-"for nancys sake and yours" damn she owes ace big time for all this shit

-"what do we do for 7 minutes?" ...ummm play 7 minutes in heaven lmaooo 👀🥵

-was not expecting ace to look this sexy holding an axe but okay (*ah, its his short sleeve shirt showing his arms. usually hes a sleeves guy)

-"desperate for attention" nancy (from gomber) vs "bc she's starved for attention" patrice --> lucy (and candace also...) we know nancys detective work makes her seem like an attention seeker, but what was lucy doing to make them all think that? she was trying to hide her relationship with ryan, not expose it. unless they just mean the rumors about her?

-so is patrice hiding lucy's "truth" talking about lucy being a whore or lucy being a ghost? what is lucy's secret? did patrice guess she was pregnant or did patrice's somehow garbled mind remember tiffany trying to show patrice the video with lucy on it?

-wonder what captain thom thinks of this stand off w ace lmaooo

-"like you do?" top v top shenanigans

-how awko for carson to talk to karen again like this

-"oh no" ACE 😂

-love how amaya says "be a human" like shes kind of admitting people in rich circles typically arent (^this is an interesting focus in s2 when bess's rich family rejects her, thus making her human again, but nancy embraces her rich fam and experiences subsequent moral struggle which is predicted with the wraith)

-wonder what ryan thinks he could get from the marvins (which he cant get now lmaooo)

-this damn whisper box. so many questions. who named it the whisper box? why are the ropers' old possessions still there? who decided to build a mental hospital on top of it? and patrice! she "hid lucy's secrets" hannah gruen thinks tiffany tried to show patrice video w lucy on it, which patrice then specifically says she hid in the thin mans book. so patrice knows of the thin man? can she see him? does she know he was a ghost/supernatural? she must have a supernatural sense to know about him (unless sal told or some shit) so then when tiffany shows up w/ lucy being supernatural in it patrice hides it to protect her? is this why she is "crazy" kinda like victoria? supernatural elements or ability to sense ghosts makes her unstable? this is why lucy being a ghost/nursery rhyme that she repeats makes patrice worse/"stroke"? how did patrice even get into the whisper box to put the key in the bible and get out without getting trapped? also, her dementia --> lucidity is really fucking off, some people mildly switch like that but usually with dementia they cant even register new shit anymore

-...so did bess take the ride? 👀

-interesting how celia says "your father will be disappointed" but nothing of her own opinion. wonder how much celia truly puts up with to keep everett calm and nonhomicidal

-like george asking nick follow up questions that nancy never really would have asked

🥞🥞🥞(ep13)🥞🥞🥞

-is this bitch just eating a plain pancake with her bare hand?

-"extra case load and excessive volunteering" ugh. nancy's family here are like, gross in how "good" of people they are // unrealistic, trying to paint carson in the best light/ no way ryan could ever compare (but the reality is theyre not that good of people for lying about nancy) **and shes arrogant to think shes better than everyone else ie the only one who truly lives virtuously, thinks she can do no wrong sometimes even tho using sex to cope, breaking and entering, etc is not morally "good" stuff she still thinks she is the only one who doesnt lie and plays fair (like in the pilot she lists everyone else as a suspect but herself- obviously we know she isnt guilty but no one else does. (i mean in theory we really dont, what if nancy was an unreliable narrator and was actually guilty, that would be a hella cool show)its reactions like that where she cant understand why others like the chief suspect her

-ooooh ironic that in the Good Place carson readily agrees to pay her for helping with cases as opposed to s2 in reality

-nick's house has "problems" so why does he need a lawyer? as opposed to an interior designer, plumber, or realtor?

-in the Good Place nick and george realize they are not going to work out after one date. does this failure in the Good Place predict failure in reality, or merely an easier way of figuring out the truth? does this mean that the "opposite" of the Good Place is reality, or only an opinion of what is better? (nancy says "you all like me" as her opinion of them liking her is skewed; does this then only reflect nancys version for what is the "perfect life"?)

-why is bess a hippie??? and love how george curls her hair and wears pink lipstick here

-if this dream is so realistic then why is the one thing it cant conjure smoke? like how random

-love the locket being a key realization bc with things like jewelry you dont notice the weight of them until theyre gone

-"you all like me" in her perfect life nancy means they "like" her objectively/regardless of circumstance even though liking her is still an objective choice (like they "like" her because of other reasons instead of her working at the claw? (like how you make friends with coworkers/people at school every day but after you leave the job/graduate you never speak to them again) and her "thanks for showing up!" as if theyre not doing exactly that in reality 😐like where is she getting this shit? she sort of acknowledges in earlier eps she is hard to like/that she puts mysteries before friends, but also pushing them away to avoid danger like the previous ep "why do u show up" etc

-is it just me or does the inside of nicks "house" look like the drews'?

-nick has a dick scar lmaooooo (or more likely was hit in the balls or smth)

-love how nick + george match their anger in confronting sal 100% on the same level

-so when did ace go back to work after having such a busy day earlier?? lmaooo

-damn father shane is a creep (casting defo hired him for his voice) and how tf did he just poof + escape? and what did he request???

-love bess's white hair bow here 😌+ her jacket, whole outfit on point as usual

-like how bess is right that nancy has to find her way out but thats kind of a nonstarter for a room full of panicked people wanting to help

-in the Good Place theres no bad blood between drews + hudsons bc nancy is really theirs

-"the only one who has the key is you" in the Good Place nancy has the key (smaller picture, to finding out what happened to lucy but bigger picture, post-reveal) but ryan has the clues nancy needs- following the Good Place's mirroring, this just means that in reality ryan will either be completely useless or an active hindrance (but you KNOW this is a dream bc in what universe would ryan remember clues like that 😂)

-so in a perfect universe ryan acknowledges his family's "criminal empire" as opposed to reality where he only makes under cover jabs about disengaging with being an "entitled corrupt legacy criminal" ie finding the bonny scot relics but does nothing about them, etc

-"strippers" 😂

-okay what is nancys obsession w her beanie?? bc her mom made it? "wear beanies do crimes?" idk

-making the call: nancy -unable to make up for lost time/both her mothers had to find out/suffer alone / in the Good Place nancy was able to be with kate while she called, and in reality she had carson; somethig about seeing the mother looking to the daughter for strength in the Good Place instead of the reverse (which is what reality sounded like, kate being strong for nancy through the illness despite the struggle)

-concept: nancy & nick "let's wait out the storm"

-"i believe that you believe it" nick in the Good Place + owen in reality both trust nancy when she says she's seen things (owen's is the teeth) but nick in reality (and not really knowing details) doesnt think much of their "moment" bc it wasnt real (so she had to leave the Good Place to save carson- but if she had known then he wasnt her real dad, would she have stayed to be w nick?)

-stranger - suede james 💙👌🏻

-"really anxious as a kid" v telling bc of her desire to know everything to remain in control of situations like she always does now

-"the medicine or the metaphysics?"/"you cannot beat supernatural with science"

-i love nancy playing with her pinky while saying goodbye 🥺

-"always seek out the truth even if it hurts" this is straight irony bc kate never told nancy anything. like does that include the truth about nancys parentage? they taught her to seek out the truth, but who taught her that the truth is the only thing to live by? ie things dont count anymore like carson and kate straight up raising her is tossed out bc she finds out its not "the truth" like all that work/stress to protect carson + she just drops him? with kate maybe shes just upset thst she spent all that time mourning for someone who lied. and would she do the same to ryan if needed? probably

-bess and ace head tilt 💙

-like how for all the time she spent there nancy only has a subconscious memory of blue curtains

-YESSSSS i LOVEthese beautiful overhead shots of hannah's hands. so out of character for the show lmao but so gorgeous

-i feel like future eps/grand future will be nancy going through the lock boxes to help people who asked hannah for help

-the video is officially dated Aug 22, 2019

-soooooo in the first ep nancy breaks into the hudsons house and finds tiffanys secret drawer w the nail polish and finds the amulet with a note that says "for your protection HG" yet on this video tiffany says she talked to a medium who gave her the amulet sooooo am i just confused? HG is hannah gruen obvi so is the address for the medium what hannah gave her? or was the address on the amulet which nancy dissolved in salt water to see? so how would tiffany know where to go? its chicken and the egg which came first hannah or the medium?

and lastly:

i close these two eps with a thought that everything in this show is sealed in death. all the lies, the imagery, the fake constructs people put up to get by all crumple the second someone dies- all the secrets come clean just like these doors have been unsealed.

#brooklyn's ND primer #nancy drew cw #the Great Rewatch of 2021 #you best start believing in ghost stories miss drew - you're in one

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izzyhcnds · 5 years ago

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for the ask me things, all the ones featuring the numbers 4, 6 and 8.

….sophie…. omg…. i love this. thank you. im going to put these answers under a cut because i got a bit chaotic while answering these and it ended up very long. update: tumblr sucks and i cant seem to put in a cut so im very sorry if this takes up your whole dash.4: Do you drink? yes! I didn’t for a long time but then i became a #disaster

6: Age you get mistaken for? like around 18 ish. though i am still occasionally carded for 16 things.

8: Want any tattoos? i do! but I have never decided on one for long enough to actually want to get it so maybe in a while if i still like the idea i have just now!

14: Biggest turn offs smokingggggggggggggggggggggg. the smell just doesn’t come off and i hate it

16: I’ll love you if you’re a genuine person. cant stand people who are just all mean or all nice. theres something wrong with everyone but theres still no need to be nasty.

18: Most traumatic experienceheres a fun trauma instead - i dislocated and broke my toe by walking into a doorframe…. six months later i did it again. on the same damn door. i stopped coming in contact with that door, so i thought i might finally be safe. Earlier this year I went to london. my friend and i were going to go out dancing. i poured my first drink. didnt even take a god damn sip. i walked into the bed. my toe popped right the fuck out. i had to phone the nhs emergency line and had to figure out if i was being a wimp. i was not being a wimp. hopped down to reception, ordered a taxi, got to the hospital and gave everyone a laugh as i fully knew what i was doing with the xrays and the laughing gas. it was a Night. we met a cute boy too and bonded over our broken feet and how hard it was to hop. his name was george. miss you boo.

24: My relationship with my parent(s) its good. i still live with them, which can be a bit… tense.

26: My biggest pet peeves people eating with their mouths open

28: A description of the person I dislike the mostfun fact theres quite a list! but the most? hes orange, his name rhymes with Ronald Rump and is rapidly taking away the rights of our trans siblings, which is wholly unacceptable. Remember to talk to your representatives and tell them shit like that isnt okay!!.

34: What I find attractive in women?god i dont even know it changes so damn much cause every pretty girl i see is suddenly the prettiest girl ive ever seen. A genuine smile is usually a constant though.

36: Where I would like to liveI love scotland and i think i always want my home to be here but i’d love to travel some more.

38: My childhood career choicefor most of my life i thought id be dead at 21 (not like a SH thing, i was just convinced going to be murdered or that god was going to smite me) so i never really thought about it, I just did what ever i liked in that moment. 40: Who wish I could bei want to be a bit more badass, so ive started learning a couple of weapons and weightlifting. so thats fun.

41: Where I want to be rightnow so i work in a windowless room so the simple answer is anywhere but here. more specifically im hanging out with my friends and playing boardgames tonight so there or at my friends where im going for tea tomorrow. im excited.

42: The last thing I ate porridge!

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediatelyPhoebe Tonkin. I’ve had such a constant crush on her, H20, Secret Circle, The Vampire Diaries/ Originals,, ugh. i loved them all.

44: A random fact about anythingi always have very detailed day dream on the go, right now our world has just become the atla world and everything is amazing and awesome. its like i can see it. 45: Selfiei took this when i was on my day off from presenting my research at conference and i like it but i never posted it anywhere. my hotel room was great i loved it.

#echokomazgeda #ask games #thanks again lovely!#long post

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adambstingus · 6 years ago

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Macaulay Culkin: ‘No, I was not pounding six grand of heroin a month’

The Home Alone star talks about the drug rumours, dodging paparazzi and his cheese-flavoured Velvet Underground tribute act

Of all modern myths, it is the fall of the child star that most compels us. Whether theyre embarking on 55-hour marriages, throwing bongs out of windows or abandoning monkeys at customs, we cant seem to get enough. Theres something pathological in our need to tear down our icons of innocence, which might explain the overprotective nature of Macaulay Culkins US publicist, who wants to see all my questions upfront. I refuse. I thought we could just … have a chat? The interview, Culkins biggest in 10 years, is supposed to focus on his comeback. Im instructed to avoid anything negative. I ask if I can ask if he has any regrets. Regrets sounds too negative, is the response.

When we meet, in the lobby of a hotel in Spain, Im still trying to figure out what exactly this comeback consists of. Culkins filming an advert for Compare the Market, which is obviously not a passion project. It was fun, and we hammered that sucker out pretty quickly. The biggest scene was me sitting on a bench eating ice-cream.

Is he doing this to fund an exciting new venture? No, not necessarily. Hes dressed grungily, long hair man-bunned back, boots open-laced, blazer badge-studded. He doesnt project the focused careerism of most actors. People feel they have to be in perpetual motion, or drown. Ive never had a problem saying Ive got nothing lined up. Maybe Ill take the next year off. It sounds as if hes not particularly drawn to acting at all. Im not much active, he concedes. If I knew what I wanted to do, Id be writing it myself.

The trajectory of Culkins life feels like fallout from an atomic blast. By the age of 12, Uncle Buck, two Home Alone films, My Girl and (to a lesser extent) Richie Rich had made him the most successful child actor of all time. At 14, he became legally emancipated from his parents; both had been trying to gain control of his $17m fortune in their divorce. Culkin married at 17, and separated two years later. Sleepovers with Michael Jackson became public knowledge when he was called as a defence witness at the singers molestation trial. Im ghoulishly fascinated by this alien childhood. Id like to ask about Michael Jackson.

In Home Alone (1990). Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

I think its best you dont, interjects his manager. She is one of three people sitting with us. Its not that its a painful topic … begins Culkin. His manager insists we move on, the PR next to her agrees. Culkin clearly wants to say something, but six eyes are telling him not to.

I suspect were both wondering why were here; 35-year-old Culkin doesnt do this sort of thing any more, having turned his back on the spotlight. I dont just turn my back, I actively dont want it. The paps go after me because I dont whore myself out. He has spent a decade turning down interviews, and mostly lives in France, where the aloof Parisians leave him alone. (Its also where Kevin McCallisters family were headed when they left him Home Alone, but we cant talk about that.) I get the impression hes as eager to talk about a price comparison website as I am to ask about one. Instead, I ask why people are still fascinated by him.

I have no idea. I was thinking about this the other day Id crossed the wrong street, picked up a tail, suddenly theres a crush of 20 paparazzi. Then people with cameraphones get involved. I dont think Im worthy of that.

With Michael Jackson in 2001. Photograph: Kevin Kane/WireImage

Has it got better with time?

Its been like that my whole adult life. You take on a prey-like attitude, always scanning the horizon. Its strange on dates, as it looks like youre not paying attention. But Ive stopped trying to think of myself in the third person, because thats just gonna drive me nuts.

You had to think about yourself in the third person?

Exactly. Macaulay Culkin is out there, and Im Mac. You guys can play with the first one.

Hes not averse to a bit of playing himself, for Culkin is the celebritys meta-celebrity. You may remember the meme-meltdown a few years back when Ryan Gosling was pictured wearing a T-shirt of Kevin McCallister. Culkin responded by creating a T-shirt that pictured Gosling wearing the shirt, before Gosling responded in kind, being photographed wearing a T-shirt of Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Culkin. They may still be at it for all we know.

Culkins previous ads, for the likes of Orange (and, in a Partridge move, the rebranding of Norwich Union), trade in close-to-the-bone self-analysis. For Compare the Market, he plays a hitchhiker picked up by the lovable meerkats, who see him as a child, buying him ice-cream and making him ride merry-go-rounds hes too big for.

In 2006, Culkin wrote an experimental novel, Junior, from the perspective of a certifiable child star with father issues. In web comedy :DRYVRS, hes a blood-spattered sadist, unhinged by the childhood trauma of parental abandonment, and defending himself against home invaders. Is all this self-quoting what hes drawn to, or just what he gets offered? A bit of both. It suits my personality and sense of humour. But I would be game for something non-self-referential.

Given this dilemma constantly returning to a past he wants distance from where does his sense of self come from? From me. I try to figure out what makes me happy and not in a superficial way. I keep my soul fit. Is he spiritual? I know enough to know I dont know. I was raised Catholic, so theres a lot of guilt. Were born with original sin. He veers off into a joke. Since I was told that, Ive been trying to come up with even more original sins, thatll really blow my priest away at confession. Like, heres one you havent heard it involves a pitching wedge, a donkey and a bucket of ice. And two meerkats? Yeah! You might wanna record this one!

With his brother, Kieran Culkin, c 1990. Photograph: Dave Benett/Getty Images

He reflects. Actually, Im very much at peace lately. I can debate with people, and my heart rate never changes. And Culkin is witty and affable. Funny, but distant. He offers confrontational figures of speech amiably. If you want to get into an argument with an artist, ask them what art is, he says. If you want to make an actor feel uncomfortable, ask them what theyre doing next. (I hastily scribble out one of the few questions Ive written down.)

Are his debates political? I have leanings, but Im the definition of a disenfranchised voter I think the system is ugly. This whole Trump thing is amazing. (Trump cameos in Home Alone 2, showing our hero the way to the Plaza Hotel lobby, although we cant talk about it.) Culkin doesnt want to be drawn further. Discussing politics is the quickest way to alienate people, so I dont wanna go into it. And Trump has enough column inches? Exactly! Hes like the Candyman, we have to stop saying his name.

Culkin was acting at four, an age at which no one knows what they want beyond watching cartoons and eating oversugared cereal. Having described himself as effectively retired, he works occasionally (voices for Seth Greens Robot Chicken, cameoing as himself in Zoolander 2), but: Im much more proactive with visual arts and writing, my notebook and little projects. Of the projects that reach the public, most could charitably be classed as divisive. There are paintings: one of the cast of Seinfeld on the set of Wheel of Fortune, being painted, nude, by He-Man. Theres The Wrong Ferrari, a Dadaist knockabout written on ketamine with Adam Green of the Moldy Peaches, shot entirely on iPhones. Most notorious is the Pizza Underground, his Velvet Underground tribute act that replaces the original lyrics with pizza puns (Im Waiting for Delivery Man, Take a Bite of the Wild Slice). At Nottingham Rock City, the band were pelted with beer and booed off stage as he played a kazoo solo. They cancelled their European dates, citing a cheesemergency. My question about all this is: what the hell?

Its one of those good ideas you have when youre drunk, and you wake up and forget about it. But were taking it to the end of the joke. We have an album coming out, a vinyl pressing with a childrens choir, a symphony orchestra. Were giving it away, our gift to the world. Does he still find it funny? Of course I find it funny! We rhyme mushrooms with mushrooms, come on. Its the same joke, relentlessly. Like, theyre really doing this?

Culkin enjoys the absurdity his fame bestows. But scrutiny has its downside. In New York, he takes walks at 4am to avoid harassment. On YouTube, one can find clips of him being harassed by wannabe-paps with smartphones. In 2012, photographs of him looking gaunt, almost transparent, set tabloids aflame with stories he was addicted to heroin and oxycodone, following the breakdown of his relationship with Mila Kunis. Given his friendship with Adam Green and Pete Doherty as well as a previous arrest for possession of marijuana, Xanax and clonazepam it seemed plausible.

Performing as Pizza Underground with Deenah Vollmer. Photograph: Sam Santos/WireImage

Were people right to be worried? Not necessarily. Of course, when silly stuff is going on but no, I was not pounding six grand of heroin every month or whatever. The thing that bugged me was tabloids wrapping it all in this weird guise of concern. No, youre trying to shift papers. Is there a story there he might want to tell one day, on his own terms? Perhaps.

Whatever his recreational habits, Im surprised by how unscrewed-up Macaulay Culkin is. Plans for the summer mainly involve roadying for Har Mar Superstar and Green (with whom he has another lo-fi film out, Aladdin). Home is where my boots are. Im a big fan of jumping on peoples tourbuses, making myself useful, doing load-ins and outs. I do everything except the merch table. I tried that, but … we didnt sell anything.

He has directionless days. He sleeps in, stays up late, indulges immature humour, bounces around with bad-influence friends. In short, hes enjoying the adolescence that celebrity stole from him. Ironically, his personal problems and turbulent relationship with the media have also given him a pretty grown-up perspective. Not a bad epilogue for a child star.

Its allowed me to become the person I am, and I like me, so I wouldnt change a thing. Not having to do anything for my dinner, financially, lets me treat every gig like its the last. He laughs, and this time addresses himself in the second person. If it is, Id think: Culkin, you had a good run.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181995008877

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samanthasroberts · 6 years ago

Text

Macaulay Culkin: ‘No, I was not pounding six grand of heroin a month’

The Home Alone star talks about the drug rumours, dodging paparazzi and his cheese-flavoured Velvet Underground tribute act

In Home Alone (1990). Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

With Michael Jackson in 2001. Photograph: Kevin Kane/WireImage

Has it got better with time?

You had to think about yourself in the third person?

Exactly. Macaulay Culkin is out there, and Im Mac. You guys can play with the first one.

With his brother, Kieran Culkin, c 1990. Photograph: Dave Benett/Getty Images

Performing as Pizza Underground with Deenah Vollmer. Photograph: Sam Santos/WireImage

Source: http://allofbeer.com/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/14/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/

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allofbeercom · 6 years ago

Text

Macaulay Culkin: ‘No, I was not pounding six grand of heroin a month’

The Home Alone star talks about the drug rumours, dodging paparazzi and his cheese-flavoured Velvet Underground tribute act

In Home Alone (1990). Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

With Michael Jackson in 2001. Photograph: Kevin Kane/WireImage

Has it got better with time?

You had to think about yourself in the third person?

Exactly. Macaulay Culkin is out there, and Im Mac. You guys can play with the first one.

With his brother, Kieran Culkin, c 1990. Photograph: Dave Benett/Getty Images

Performing as Pizza Underground with Deenah Vollmer. Photograph: Sam Santos/WireImage

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/macaulay-culkin-no-i-was-not-pounding-six-grand-of-heroin-a-month/

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ecotone99 · 4 years ago

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[HM] Willy Wonka’s Alternate Ending.

“Okay,” says the purple-suit clad man behind the desk. “Now we’re left with the difficult decision to elect one of you as the new owner of the Chocolate Factory.” “Alright Willy, you’re a numbers guy I know that, you and I are numbers guys right? Tell you what- I’ll buy the factory from you as is right now for one-million dollars” (in 1971 this is about $6.4 million) says Rupert reacting to the glaring eyes of his precious little Varuca. “How dare you wave your money in front of all of these children’s faces Rupert?” Grandpa Joe lashed out sternly “Can we hurry this up?” A very impatient Violet Bouregard would say “I’m already on my last piece of gum and this one is already tasteless.” “I’m sorry I haven’t spent the last 20 years dawdling in the comfort of a piss soaked mattress with three other people- if you cant afford it then buzz off!” Rupert reacted snidely, Grandpa Joe lurched foreword as if you take a swing- Frail and easy spoken Charlie gets in front of his grandpa and pushes him gently aside to diffuse the quarrel. “Mutter, wann werden wir essen?” Said Augustus Gloop, oddly-enough the only non English speaking person in the entire world who received a golden ticket from chocolate bars distributed randomly throughout the world, to his mother who quickly hushes him. “This is so lame, I’m missing BattleStar Galactica” said Mike Teevee “Isn’t this more interesting than TV?” Said Mrs. Teavee, rifled in anxiety

“Will you all just be quiet for a moment, while I figure this mess out?!?” Snapped Willy Wonka, suddenly taking on a more serious tone “In case you haven’t realized this wasn’t supposed to happen.” “Vhat Do you mean?” Pried Mrs. Gloop. “I had a test, you all passed.” “A test?” Said Grandpa Joe “Yes! I was supposed to tempt all of you with delicious candies that would prove to me who was in it for the win or who was in it for themselves.” “No offense Mr. Wonka” said Charlie “but that’s a rather awful test. I mean you made it explicitly clear we weren’t supposed to eat any of the candies. If only five children out of 3.7 billion people (the population size in 1971) were the only winners, I can only imagine that they would be on their best behavior to win such an opportunity.” “Yeah!” Said Varuca. “And what if everyone failed your test? Would you just remain here miserable as you say you are?” Willy Wonka grinned. “I mean in that case I’d probably just issue out five more golden tickets. You have no idea how high our shares went when the whole world was buying billions of dollars worth of chocolate bars...” “You’re insane! You’re... a genius!” Said Sam Beauregard enamored at the marketing opportunity. “But... what was supposed to happen if someone failed these tests.” Said Mrs. Teevee Willy Wonka pinches his eyebrows “Is that really important?” “Well I want to know what my child was signing up to?” “Okay, the first room, the chocolate river had numerous traps- the sticky lollipops that would catch your tongue, the chocolate river you could fall into, the pudding quick sand... all things to trap the first set of suckers who were not worthy of the factory. I’ll admit, when none of you fell victim I found myself wondering how the rest of this was going to work... Then there was the Everlasting Gobstopper that would’ve turned one of you into a big ass blueberry. Then there was the chocolate egg room that would lead to the trash chute. There was the horrible shrinking machine that would give one of you the shrinks, and oh dear- the heftily carbonated beverage that would chop you up into the fan above.” “Ch... chop us up?” Said Grandpa Joe. “Yeah, and Charlie really saved your ass telling you no back there. You old fuck. Maybe next time don’t give a child rebellious direction.” “THATS NOT THE POINT WONKA!” Screamed Sam Beauregard “YOU ADMITTED TO THE POTENTIAL OF ONE OF OUR CHILDREN BEING CHOPPED UP IN A FAN... IN FACT YOU WERE COUNTING ON IT.” Willy Wonka gave a snide grin and Shrugged “This is boring. Wonka, will you just take my daddy’s money and get on with giving me the factory? It’s not like you have anything else going for you.” Said Varuca angrily “How about, it’s a good thing your dad works in the business of Goobers because you’re fuckin’ NUTS if you think I’m going to give you a sure-in for this factory you little brat.” Rupert Salt lashes out angrily and grabs Wonka’s Petty coat only to be pulled from behind and restrained by 4 non-union employees of Wonka. “Let go of me at once!” Shouted Rupert struggling to break free of the Oompa Loompa hold “Oompa Loompa Dopple dee dock, in you resist I’ll punch you in the cock” one of them sang. “What do you get when you try to attack,” Willy Wonka chimed in “You get a kick in your tiny nut.. sack” rhymed the Oompa Loompas. The other members watched on in shock as Wonka just stood with a peculiar smile. “Look, guys, I really want to get outta here okay? So let’s make this a little bit easier. I’ll let you decide. Look deep within yourselves. Running a factory is hard work, you have to keep a schedule, pay your workers, pay your taxes, file your taxes properly as to not get audited by the IRS, Deal with customer complaints... at least hire a staff to do such affairs, marketing, dealing with investors and share holders etc. It’s not ‘fun’ because you get to work in a zany candy factory full of a bunch of tiny orange freaks, I get 7 OSHA complaints per month. Do you understand how high my Workman’s Comp. insurance is? Anyway. Whoever takes over has to run a really tight ship. Is there anyone who is willing to back out now?” Everyone stops and looks at each other, and thinks for a moment. “You know what? Yeah. I’m out.” Said Mike Teevee “Mike! What are you saying?!?” Said his mom. “This place sucks. There’s no tv. And for how hard Mr Wonka must work and worry, I don’t think I’d have anytime to watch anything. It’d be pretty damned miserable here. Plus, Jesus Christ everyone else’s name fits perfectly with ownership of a chocolate factory. ‘Charlie’s Chocolates’ rolls off the tongue, ‘Violet Beauregarde chocolate’ sounds very French and elegant. ‘Veruca Salt Chocolate’ makes sense because salt and chocolate go very well together, and ‘gloop chocolate’ sounds so delicious. Who the hell wants ‘teevee chocolate’? It wasn’t meant to be, Ma.” “But we’ve come so far Mikey! Don’t just abandon ship now.” “It’s too late mom, I’ve already decided. Good luck guys,” he said. And then he walked out of the room, followed by his frantic mother who began to cry as he walked off. “You’ve been quiet Augustus.” Said Wonka “How about you?” “Vhy vouldnt I vant diesces faktory? Alle dis choklat mmmm. I think I just eet und hav good time” “Are you shitting me kid? Have you ever seen ScarFace? ‘Don’t get high on your own supply’? Well don’t get fat on your own chocolate!” “Vhat do you mean?” “You can’t just eat all of the chocolate, every time your fingers and face are brown and sticky from the delicious brown residue of the refined cocoa bean, you’re losing tons of money in distribution.” “... oh.” Said Augustus, looming down at his shoes. He then pulls a Wonka bar from his pocket, and eats one delicious little square of milk chocolate goodness. He closes his eyes and slips into a mode of splendor. Swishing the chocolate around his mouth on his teeth, and tongue salivating his taste buds. “Er... I think I’m no” said Augustus “Du willst die Fabrik nicht, Augustus?” Said Mrs. Gloop to her son. “Mumie. Ich bin eine geile verdammte Schokoladenschlampe. Es macht meinen Schwanz wirklich hart. Aber wenn ich jeden Tag von Schokolade umgeben wäre, würde ich es leid werden. Die Neuheit, die der köstliche Geschmack von Schokolade ist, würde verblassen. Also, obwohl ich das Gefühl habe, ich werfe vielleicht meine einzige wahre Chance auf Glück weg ... Ich kann die Schokoladenfabrik nicht ehrlich besitzen. Ich denke, ich würde lieber das Leben eines Simp leben.” Mrs. Gloop looked to her son, inspired by his new-found restraint. As he, like Mike Teevee, in the second of honesty they allowed themselves, matured well past their age. They bid Wonka “Adieu” and walked out of the office.

“Okay, so if we’re clear- you three are what I have left?” Said Wonka “Oh please, it’s not like the others were great choices either.” Blurred out Violet. “Didn’t you learn something from them?!?” Said Wonka. “They looked within themselves and realized this isn’t the life they wanted! I’m sorry you can’t see past yourself!” Snapped Wonka “I mean Jesus Christ, why are you three here anyway?” “I... have nothing else... sir. If I don’t get this... my mother is still going to have to support my family. At least with the factory I can provide for my family.” Wonka grumbled, then clapped. “This is very noble of someone to hang in there.” “Yeah well I... uh... I think it’ll be really fun, and I don’t mind the work load. And I’m gonna revolutionize the gum industry” said Violet enthusiastically. “And Veruca?” “I am not leaving here until I own this factory.” Grandpa Joe shot Veruca a dirty look, then whispered to Charlie “I’m so glad your mother didn’t raise you to be a little shit like her,” “Grandpa. You laid in a bed for 20 years while my mother sold her soul to the man. You ‘magically got the ability to walk’ at the opportunity to tour a chocolate factory. The motivation to get a job to help your daughter provide for us should outweigh the motivation for this. So please Grandpa Joe, Please. Don’t lecture anyone on being ‘little shits’ because you’re the biggest shit here.” With that Grandpa Joe slumped back in melancholy.

“I’ve got an idea. We’re going to select the new owner of the Chocolate Factory by drawing straws!” A collective “What?” From all parties in the room. “Wonka, that’s rediculous. We’ve already proved that you can’t choose anyone based on your test, why not you just accept my money offer and give it to Veruca!” Said Rupert “Because I have a 2/3 chance of giving it to someone who doesn’t want the factory just to want it. One seeks adventure, the other seeks the True American Dream. You’ll sink this damn company into the ground with your sniveling and lack of heart. I’d tell you to get bent if it wasn’t written in the contract that all parties would receive a fair opportunity.” “I’m getting really impatient DADDY.” Said Veruca. “But honey, this is one problem I have run into I can’t solve for you. He’s not taking any money!” Said Rupert. “I don’t know daddy, offer him more. I want this chocolate factory and I want it now.” “My point exactly” chimed Wonka. “But Wonka,” said Grandpa Joe, “you can’t be serious, leaving the factory up to drawing lots? Why not just assess who has the best character and ability to run a company?” “Zues. Poseidon. Hades.” “What?!?” “Zues. Poseidon. Hades.” “I don’t follow.” “If you’re knowledgeable on your Greek Mythology you’ll know that Zues, Poseidon and Hades drew lots to determine who would rule over what. Am I to believe Zues was ‘supposed’ to rule over land and sky? It was by chance! What if Hades had drawn for the win? They all just ‘fit’ into their roles.” “That’s still preposterous. Zues, Poseidon and Hades are only Myths!” Protested Grandpa Joe. “Well news flash, if I went by ‘business sense’ I’d have to give it to Goddamn Veruca Salt. With her coming from wealth, and with her... albeit bratty ‘go getter’ personality, she’d be perfect for the chocolate factory; with a little restraint of course... I don’t think she ‘has’ it. But if a board was choosing between you three, theyd pick Veruca. But she’s been nothing but a goddamn asshole all day and frankly? I think her father is a quack. I don’t like them. So you’re drawing lots and you’re just going to have to deal with it okay?”

Wonka holds out three straws. Veruca picks first, naturally. Violet and Charlie lock eyes when they go to grab. Charlie awkwardly allows Violet to go first. She picks a straw. Charlie picks the last one. They then compare each others straws... Violets was the largest one. “Yes! Yes! I’ve won! I’ve won!” Violet shouts with her jumping up and down with her father. Veruca looks very sternly at her father who tries to interrupt the Beauregardes from their celebration with an offer. Charlie sheds a tear and looks down, Grandpa Joe chimes in “I guess we’ll just give this gobstopper to slugworth! It’s very clear that Wonka is just a fraud!” Slugworth walks in. “Sorry baby, the game was rigged from the beginning.” Everyone looks over at him. “Hey everyone, I came to congratulate Violet on her new Position at head of this fine factory,” “What... what’s going on?” Said Grandpa Joe. “He was my ace-in-the-hole” said Wonka. “WHAT?!?” Exclaimed a confused Grandpa Joe. “Slugworth is a colleague of mine. I asked him to approach all of you and offer insane riches to expose the recipe of the Gobstopper.” “Why... why would you...” “Because there’s one thing in this world I hate more than snot-nosed brats who don’t deserve the pile of shit they stand upon. It’s fuckin losers.” Said Wonka coldly to Grandpa Joe. “Enjoy your flat, I hope Charlie learns never to emulate your behavior.” Charlie bursts into tears. “I’m selling the factory to miss Veruca.” Announced Violet. “WHAT?!?” Shouted everyone. “Yeah; her dad offered me Five million dollars which will be worth around thirty two million dollars in the year two thousand and Twenty! Fuck this factory I’m rich!” Violet said and skipped away. “You... URGH GOD, I HATE YOU.” Shouted Wonka. “Should’ve taken the money, Wonka. I now own all the pensions and retirement plans, and you gave this factory away for free. Guess you’ll be sleeping in a bed for 20 years with your relatives too. Get the hell out of my factory you ghoul.” Wonka grabbed his plant and walked out of the office. Charlie and Grandpa Joe began to follow but were interrupted by Veruca “Wait.” Said Veruca “Why don’t you come work for me, Charlie. I know it’s not glamorous but at least you and your mom will get a steady paycheck to provide for your family... I need someone ‘normal’ to be within my employ anyway.” Charlie wipes a bit of snot away. “What will I be doing?” Veruca gave an amused smile. “Whatever you want, Charlie.”

Charlie became HR for the Oompa Loompas. He eventually would get them to unionize. Little did he know it, but Charlie’s role as Union Rep was a lot more meaningful to the Oompa Loompas than ownership. Veruca would eventually abandon the chocolate factory to Charlie after a new opportunity presented itself, in the form of becoming the proprietary investor in a small scale tech firm that began in the early 1980s. Augustus Gloop would take his experience from the chocolate factory and become an Olympic athlete in the swimming competition. He’d go on to win silver. Mike Teevee graduated tv in favor of small scale mid-1990s conspiracy theory videos. He would then go on to lead his own alt right conspiracy theory television show and immediately fall from Grace after many subsequent affairs. Violet Beauregarde met back up with Charlie 10 years later after creating a gum that would TRULY last forever. Charlie would buy the company and Violet would work in the gum division of the Charlie chocolate factory. Grandpa Joe retired to his bed which Charlie left him because fuck Grandpa Joe.

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trendingnewsb · 7 years ago

Text

The Age of ‘Not Helping’

Somewhere, someone first wrote Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. We are pretty sure it wasnt Mark Twain. It may have been Abraham Lincoln. It may have been somebody misremembering a biblical proverb, or the author of a book of rhymes for children. A Minnesota newspaper attributed it to Empeco. Wizard of Oz author L. Frank Baum may have come up with it. Whoever it was, they had a point.

2016 was an exciting time for the global far right and their stateside cheerleaders. Voters in the UK opted to separate from the European Union, which some feared would perilously weaken the alliance. Marine Le Pen, a French nationalist, was mounting a serious play for her countrys presidency. In Germany, in the Netherlands, in Hungary, and in Austria, far right seemed poised to break into the mainstream.

Fast forward six months into 2017, and that storyline seems to have reached its raveled end. Le Pen was defeated by a 39-year-old ingenue. Germanys Angela Merkels post looks safer for Germany than it did at the turn of the year. And in Great Britain, conservative Prime Minister Theresa May, human cautionary tale, called a snap election in an attempt to strengthen her power as the country heads into Brexit talks. This week, that effort backfired. May is now facing a hung parliament.

Many factors have contributed to this swing to the left. One of those reasons is Donald Trumps unpopularity, and his seeming inability, for even a second, to stop reminding people how much they hate him.

For an average person, the consequences of foolish speech only serve to embarrass the fool, or the fools girlfriend. But for politically active public figures, from celebrities who dabble all the way up to the Oval Office, foolish speech is more damaging. It gives ones opponents ammunition and turns off people who could have become allies.

Public figures have always been tripping over their own proverbial dicks, but, thanks to social media and an ethos that values the act of speaking up over the contents of speech, broadcasting ones foolishness has never been more seductive. Nor has it been easier for other people to notice that idiocy, expand its reach, and demand apologies from the poor fools tasked with PR cleanup.

Lena Dunham started her career as a shining star of young filmmaking talent, but recently has made more headlines for embodying a caricature of culturally walled-off safe space millennial liberalism. The most recent headache shes caused her ideological brethren occurred in December, when she told listeners to her podcast that she hadnt had an abortion, but wished she would have. She then apologized on Instagram by saying that she was merely playing a character. During the presidential campaign, she backed Hillary Clinton and vowed to move to Canada if Trump was elected, and then did not move to Canada. Last week, she posted a photo of herself wearing a body-length blaze orange sleeping bag, which somehow is supposed to fight gun violence, or something. If she didnt already exist, conservatives would invent her.

When Kathy Griffin posted a photo of herself hoisting a fake severed Donald Trump head the other week, all she accomplished was aiding producers at Fox & Friends struggling to find news stories to chase that did not have to do with Trumps ineptitude. She gave a party without ideas a break from weaving their own ropes. Her subsequent apology and press conference about bullying Streisand Effect-ed her into the right wing news cycle and Donald Trump Jrs conspiratory-nuts Twitter timeline. Not helping.

Bill Maher, in his long career, has found himself creating grief for his supposed ideological brethren, recently saying the N-word in conversation with Senator Ben Sasse. Sean Penn annoys the piss out of some on the left. So does Susan Sarandon. Actor Matt McGorrys over-the-top feminist dude wokeness is frequent fodder for ridicule among many all-female text circles. Not Helping.

Steve Harvey is a classic Not Helper. Sarah Palin has a similar opportunism streak, often inserting herself into discussions to add nothing but another thing to make those shes trying to help look bad. Maxine Waters, as beloved as shes become by some, is viewed by others as a corrupt grandstanding opportunist, tossing irresponsible accusations before enough evidence exists to back them up. Speaking of Maxine Waters: Bill OReilly. Not helping. Ann Coulter and Piers Morgan, while quick to speak up, often seem to do so without first considering whether theyre doing good or making a mess for somebody else to clean up.

In other cases, whether or not speaking up is helping or not isnt as clear.

Hillary Clinton stepped back from public life after her electoral defeat last fall. But now shes back, and shes exactly the same as ever. Sure, some superficial elements have changed– her purple pantsuit of defeat hasnt been brought out of retirement yet–her message is the one shes been delivering for her entire career in the public eye. Never let anybody silence your voice, she told graduates of Medgar Evers College in New York City this week.

Clintons months-long return to the limelight hasnt been smooth, nor has it always been welcome. Why cant the Clintons just go away? lamented the New York Post back in April. Weeks later, New York Daily News columnist Gersh Kuntzman urged Hillary Clinton to shut the f— up and go away! Two weeks later, Boston Globe columnist Adriana Cohen asked How can we move on together if Hillary Clinton wont go away? And on Friday, Vanity Fair joined the dogpile, running a story headlined Can Hillary Clinton please go quietly into the night?

If Hillary Clinton delivers a speech alone in a forest and theres no op-ed columnists around to tell her to fuck off, is she still hurting America?

Two weeks ago, Clinton delivered the commencement address at her alma mater Wellesley College. During that speech, she sharply criticized President Trump. The Republican National Committee tried to raise funds off Clintons speech immediately. After months of bumbling, gridlock, and failure, they finally had something pure that would fire up their supporters that didnt involve them highlighting their own inability to govern. On one hand, telling a woman to shut up for no reason sounds pretty sexist. On the other, Hillary Clinton declaring that she will not sit down or shut up was the best thing that happened to Republicans that week.

At the same time Clinton was urging graduates in New York City to keep speaking up, in Washington, DC, former FBI director James Comey was speaking under oath before a Senate committee. The committee was interested in figuring out whether President Donald Trump had attempted to obstruct an FBI investigation into the ties between various agents of the Trump campaign and Russian efforts to influence the American election. Trump, it seemed, couldnt resist speaking up about Michael Flynn, about wanting certain behaviors out of an FBI director. According to Comeys testimony, each time the president spoke up to Comey about FBI business, he just made things worse.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, the man has never, not once in his 70-year-life, shut the fuck up. A recording of him bragging about sexually assaulting women in an apparent attempt to convince Billy Bush that he was a cool and good guy incinerated the career of Bush and nearly tanked his campaign. There was that Obama-was-born-in-Kenya nonsense. Then-candidate Trump congratulated himself after 49 people were murdered in a terrorist attack in Orlando a year ago. He crowed about the UKs decision to pull out of the EU, last August tweeting with characteristic bombast that They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT! After London was attacked by terrorists last weekend, President Mr. Brexit attacked Londons mayor and called for a travel ban on Twitter.

But a person can only talk so much shit before stepping in it, and Not Helper-In-Chief Trumps inability to shut up is a problem for people who get too close to him.

The Presidents twitter habit has cost him credibility, and his aides their dignity as they scramble to control a White House message thats about as streamlined as an untethered firehose on full blast. It may have forever ruined his childrens ability to function as business leaders; its tarnished his daughters image so much that she or somebody close to her has taken to planting positive stories about her in supermarket tabloids owned by Trump family allies.

Every day presents a new opportunity for Donald Trump to shut up. And every day, Donald Trump lets that opportunity pass him buy, reminding people the world over that they do not like him. To paraphrase dead #MAGA-land darling Pepe the Frog, tweeting feels good, man. But its not helping Trumps cause beyond Trumps own desire to express himself. His ego is screwing things up for people who should be his allies. Mr. Brexit indeed.

If Hillary Clinton needs to go quietly into the night to best serve her cause, Donald Trump needs to have his phone chucked into the Lincoln Memorials snail-infested reflecting pool, and be kept at least a golf course-length away from the nearest microphone.

Yesterday, during a press conference alongside Romanian President Klaus Iohannis, Trump again displayed his famous restraint, barking out that James Comey had lied during his Senate testimony and that hed testify to that effect under oath.

Somewhere, the author of that quote about proving ones foolishness by speaking up rolled over in his grave.