#they literally never name the baby in this movie so i'm sticking w/ daniel

[aclamclriver]

start from scratch

he can’t find a babysitter.

daniel’s spotted a cat sitting on the doorstep a few houses down       though he doesn’t pull forwards,  the enthrallment is enough to afford jude a moment to bunch the phone more comfortably next to his ear,  his breath hurried out of him as he struggles to hold his composure.  traffic is slow on the little street;  the sound of leaves crunching underfoot heralds their pace as the father and son make their way home in uneven stride.

“      been talking about this for  weeks,  jude       ”

“i know,  i know you have,  but you didn’t mention me and i need to be home to pick daniel up by three,  i  need  to,  there’s no one who can watch him       ”

“one late night is not going to kill you,  jude,  considering how much this project means       there’s a ton of daycares in the area alone that you can drop him off.  you need to plan for these things.  i’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

he can’t cuss in front of daniel,  but it’s on the tip of his tongue       the words curdle like spoiled milk as he shoves his phone back into his pocket,  fumbling for his keys to unlock the door to their apartment.  it’s a far cry from before  (  but then,  of course,  wasn’t that the point?  ),  and it’s got more neighbors than he’s used to,  but it was close to work,  close to school,  and far away from everything else.

“okay?���  daniel asks;  his voice is pitched soft,  his eyes wide and inquisitive       it discomforts jude,  sometimes,  to think of the baby who once was,  and the young child just becoming.  

“okay,”  jude replies,  because he’s not going to unburden himself on his five year old son.  the key is proving to be more elusive than he thought;  he’s practically ripping his pocket inside out.  

“i’ll stay at patrick’s tomorrow?”

“no.”  it’s so automatic,  so absolute,  that he flinches,  even as it snaps off his tongue       mina couldn’t have done it better herself.  in the one night where he lost damn near everything,  he’s learned to be cautious;  he can’t risk anything happening to daniel.  not ever again.  “don’t worry about it,  i’ll       where is my damn key!”

it bursts out of him,  a flurry of anger that isn’t really anger;  a cocktail of something he’s sick of,  forcing him to drop daniel’s hand as he roots furiously through his pockets.  it’s the hours,  and his boss,  and not being able to find a babysitter because he doesn’t  trust  anyone in this fucking city,  can’t risk letting the  one person he has left  go with just  anyone,  and his goddamn key is  missing     

“hey,  jude?”

his head snaps up to see the door to the right opened       you’re already out on the landing.  neighbors,  though he’s only spoken to you once or twice;  you always smile at him if you cross paths.  there’s a pretty crochet owl on your purse that daniel always points out when he sees you.

“are you looking for your key?  i think you dropped it this morning on your way out       i found it after you left.  it’s yours,  right?”

and it is       miraculously,  fortuitously,  offered in your hand like some gleaming artifact of religious significance.  he wants to weep as he takes it from you,  stammering thanks and apologies as he jams it in the lock,  twisting it open far enough to let daniel scamper inside.  

“you seemed to be pretty frazzled,”  you say,  when he pauses for breath.  “is everything okay?”

(  when was the last time someone asked him that?  )

“i need to work late tomorrow,”  he offers,  hands fiddling with the strap of his bag.  “and i don’t have a babysitter for daniel.  my boss won’t reschedule.”

“that’s awful!  he really won’t let you reschedule?”  you lean against the doorframe of your apartment,  frowning in sympathy;  the action puts a tiny furrow between your brows,  an expanse of emotion he has long forgotten.  “getting a babysitter for a tuesday afternoon  ...  it’ll be tough,  too.”  you hesitate;  he watches you tilt your head in thought,  working on an offer that takes some time to reach your lips.  “if you really need the help  ...  i can always pick him up?”

something in his expression has to give you insight to what he’s thinking:  you’re hasty to add  “i understand if you’re not comfortable with that,  but since you’re in a bind       i work from home,  so i’m here all the time anyways.  my cousin just had a baby,  and we’re quite close,  so the apartment is baby proof       i know we’re pretty much strangers,  but i’d like to help,  if i can.”

beggars can’t be choosers,  he knows;  he’s out of options as it is.  

he stills waits until the last minute next morning,  to knock on your door,  and take you up on your offer.

the whole day is a bust       he can’t concentrate,  beyond imagining what horrible things you’re doing to his son.  visions of anti-nutritional oil and empty plates seem to dance behind his eyes,  and when he’s finally released,  jude  sprints  out.  he’s home in record time,  practically racing up the stairs to your door,  heart hammering in his chest.

he’s shocked,  in the split second before his fist hits your door,  to hear laughter.

when you open the door,  daniel is right at your heels;  he shouts  “daddy!”  and throws his arms around jude’s legs,  hugging tight.  your smile is bright and reassuring,  warm,  as daniel immediately begins a detailed description of his day.

“he was just fine,”  you remark,  as daniel pauses on a breath.  “picked him up with no problems,  brought him here       he’s been drawing for you all afternoon!  i started making dinner,  just because he was so easy to watch;  did you two want to stay a while?”

and it smells so  good  in this little apartment,  with the little lavender candles splayed out on a bookshelf,  and your dinner cooking in the oven;  it’s warm,  and safe,  and daniel is shifting through a number of drawings to show jude his latest batch.

“that’d be great,”  jude says at last,  and you two share a smile.

daniel is your biggest fan,  now.  he likes how soft your carpet is,  how nice your paintings on the wall are.  you help him with his homework,  and read to him       he brings you books that jude has started,  and you pick up easily where he left off.  you’ll even do voices.  

he doesn’t mean for this to become regular,  but his boss is demanding,  and the hours are picking up,  and you wave off his apologetic request with a smile and  “you’re both welcome here any time.”  

something in how you talk to daniel makes it easy to leave him,  though it wrenches jude apart,  every time.  you lean forward,  bend down       you always talk to him at his own level.  you offer your hand for him to take,  but never grab his own;  you laugh at every silly joke he makes,  even if he tells it six times in a row.  you run an editing business from home,  and there are books aplenty on your shelves:  jude never knows what he’ll find,  if he were to go perusing.  

smalltalk occurs,  as smalltalk tends to do.  you went to school here.  you worked there.  you joined up in editing because you loved words.  you know italian,  but you’re better at spanish.  you like the idea of starting a garden,  but love the vegetables in the farmers market.  

(  you’re not like mina.  )

you ask him how his day was,  as soon as he’s on the landing;  you smile when he tells you.  daniel is wonderful,  engaging,  funny,  bright:  he loves to tell you stories.  

jude talks about mina.  we were married.  she’s dead.  we were separated.  i don’t know.  daniel doesn’t really know.  it’s a confession and a scrutiny:  if he tells it enough times,  maybe he can find where it all went wrong.  married.  pregnant.  unhealthy.  confused.  separated.  out of love?  out of patience.  out of time.  out of options.  we got married in a little italian diner.  i sang for her.  you’ll never believe how we met       yeah,  it’s as gross as it sounds.

you share your own.  engaged,  okay,  but wanting more.  broke it off two years ago.  don’t fret for you!  you don’t regret a thing.  “when it’s time to move on,  and you do,  you know it’s the right thing.  it’s peaceful.  it’s good.”

he wonders what that must be like.

you’re worried about daniel one night,  when his temperature is high;  when jude comes to pick him up,  you’ve already iced him for an hour.  “it’s probably that bug going around,”  you fret,  wringing out the towel draped across daniel’s forehead,  “but i don’t know.  i wanted to take him to the doctor,  but that’s your call,  jude,  really.”

they’ll go in the morning,  jude reasons       it’s late enough as it is.  daniel offers a tired whine and a sniffle,  once lifted in jude’s arms,  and you can’t help but follow them back into their apartment,  compelled by the tired little eyes that peer blearily at you from over jude’s shoulder.

somehow       jude isn’t quite sure how       he wakes up on the couch,  sometime after midnight.  daniel is sprawled out,  his head resting on jude’s knee,  fast asleep.  he’s breathing easily,  fever dissipated.  on the floor below,  your head tilted against the cushion,  you doze.  your hand is raised just enough for daniel to grasp it in his sleep.

his mother is furious.  

“i didn’t go to prison so you can do all of this all over again!”

he knows what she’s thinking.  he’s always been easy to push over,  easy to cow;  he let mina push too hard,  too far.  if he had a backbone,  it never would have ended here       but he shoves that thought away,  as far as it can go.  

“it’s not a romance,”  he tells her,  placating,  the peacekeeper.  “she’s just babysitting.”  

and it’s the truth!  he doesn’t need to justify that.  he doesn’t need to quantify it:  does it matter that the three of you have dinner,  almost every night?  that you ask him how his day was       noticed when he got his haircut?  does it matter that you have a key to his apartment?  emergencies happen,  and it’s best to be prepared       he’s got one to your apartment,  too.  you know the name of his boss,  his best friend;  he even put your number on a form for school,  surreptitiously listed under  “emergency contact.”  it’s just being prepared.  he knows what book you’re working on,  how you like your coffee;  it’s just the nature of the beast.

“it’s not like before,”  he says,  thinking of the other night,  when you and daniel baked cookies:  he was smeared with chocolate and  beaming,  when jude came through the door.  “it’s not like mina.”

and there’s no greater truth than that.

“i came in her,”  he tells you one day,  while daniel plays in the next room.  “she told me not to.  i fucked up.  i knew she was leaving.  i don’t know  ...  i thought maybe,  if she had another reason to stay  ...  it was awful,  what i did.  it was stupid,  and selfish,  and awful.”

he hates that you think less of him       he can see it in your eyes,  the purse of your lips as you nod in agreement.  somehow,  the truth never gets easier,  no matter how often he tries it;  he knows that it’s followed with grief.

“goodbyes are hard,”  you say at last,  and your shoulders bunch forward as he watches you.  “trying to hold off on them is harder.  no one ever wants to let them linger.”

“i was never good at goodbyes,”  he admits,  and there’s more truth in that than he can fathom.

he misses adulthood.  drinks in the bar down the street,  with the dingy neon lighting,  and bad art galleries with his friends where they laughed themselves sick.  he misses casual conversation that revolves around nothing,  and minutes you don’t have to count on the clock.

he’s lonely,  is all:  he can’t be faulted for that.  daniel is his boy,  but only a boy still,  and when he’s put to bed,  he falls asleep immediately.  nothing wrong,  jude reasons,  with seeing you for a moment.  you make him a cup of tea,  and sit on your couch,  and talk about everything and nothing,  and jude finds himself laughing with his whole belly,  like he hasn’t done in years.

he’s bold enough to ask about your fiance,  the one you left behind;  you correct him on the wording.  “people change,”  you explain,  eyes out of focus,  thinking on the memories.  “but you don’t really know a person,  really  know a person,  until you’ve seen them panic.  he was everything i thought i knew,  and then,  one day  ...  he wasn’t.  and i realized i didn’t know him at all.”

it’s the lateness of the hour,  he thinks:  the flow of good conversation,  that urges him forward,  has him saying,  “i don’t know       i haven’t seen you panic,  and i know you pretty well.”

and everything is innocent until it’s  not:  that he’s suddenly so close,  so close,  with lips just an inch away from yours,  heart hammering in his chest as he looks at you.  you,  and everything that isn’t mina,  but more importantly is  you:  the laughter,  and the warmth,  and the way you smile when you don’t realize jude’s looking at you.  

just you,  and just him.

and suddenly,  just is too much,  and you’re on your feet;  so discomforted is he,  that jude doesn’t see your hand shake as you set your teacup down.

“i’ll pick up daniel tomorrow at three like always,”  you say,  and there’s distance there,  a separation.  jude doesn’t argue.

later that night,  in his own bed,  he thinks on how long it’s been,  since he’s had butterflies in his stomach.  it’ll be best to quash out every one.

this is how the story works:  that daniel is the baby,  and you the babysitter,  and jude the father who longs to come home.  mina is the mother,  and that’s without change:  you don’t pass stories and smiles with a man who lost his wife.  you in your home,  and jude in his,  and daniel as the interloper,  four times a week,  and jude buys you a bottle of wine at christmas for your trouble.

but stories have a way of changing,  and it’s only three days after tea on your couch that you call him from the hospital.

“daniel’s fine,”  you say,  adamant and reassuring.  “everything’s okay,  don’t worry.  we were rear-ended coming home,  and it was a minor incident.  daniel is completely fine,  but i got a tiny scratch on my leg,  so they drove me in.  can you come pick him up?  he’s absolutely fine.”

and he believes you,  even as jude breaks about every traffic rule in the book as he speeds to the hospital;  believes you,  even as he nearly smashes the doors off their hinges.  daniel is fine,  absolutely fine       not a scratch on him.  the miracle of seatbelts,  and good driving besides.  

your scratch is more a cut,  is more a little more than  nothing:  you had to get stitches,  almost as soon as you arrived.  despite your protests,  jude sits and waits for you to be signed out,  with daniel snoozing in his arms;  he drives you both home,  hands at two and ten.  he puts daniel to bed without fuss,  and kisses his forehead goodnight;  his boy is asleep before jude has even left the room.

in your apartment,  the lights are off:  you’re struggling in the kitchen.  he finds you there,  leaning against the counter,  catching your breath as you move your crutches out of the way.  it’s only for a week or so,  but you already hate them       they’re in the way more than anything else.  

“i’m okay,”  you tell him,  with your eyes drooping from exhaustion.  “i’m just glad daniel wasn’t hurt.”

in answer,  jude cups your face in his hands,  and kisses you.

are you cold?  you can’t stop shivering:  jude’s body presses against your own,  careful not to jostle your leg as he holds you.  he’s so much taller than you,  so big and broad       he leans in and tilts your head to better receive his kiss,  nose brushing against yours.  warm,  and solid,  and  real.

“i panicked,”  he admits,  when at least you break for air.  he rests his forehead against yours,  hands sliding to your waist,  offering you warmth as he stays close against you.

“so did i,”  you admit,  and pull him in for another kiss.

this is how the story works:  a kiss changes nothing.  two is irrelevant.  you keep your promise to take care of daniel,  and jude learns everything about you.  dates are played out on the living room floor,  as daniel shrieks with laughter from a flurry of tickles;  it’s snatched in the kitchen as jude helps you with dinner.  

daniel turns six and you bake him a cake:  his friends gather in your living room,  wild and excited.  jude takes too many pictures;  he only thinks of mina once. 

i guess we did something right.

it’s the next night,  when daniel is sleeping soundly in the other room,  that jude slides his hands between your legs,  and kisses your neck with an air of worship.  he parts your thighs and curls his fingers inside your cunt,  marvelling at the curve of your throat when you throw your head back.  it’s everything to him,  when you roll your hips against his;  it’s everything,  to hear the way his name falls from your lips,  when he slides inside you with a groan.  it’s too much,  too much after too long,  and he can barely focus on the rhythm of his breathing as he feels you tight around him:  it takes a moment to realize how you’re kissing him reassuringly,  warm and solid in his fluster.  he makes love to you,  slow and purposeful;  he discards the condom afterwards with a little gleam of pleasure.  

this is how the story goes:  where the leaves are crunching underfoot,  and there’s a cat on the front step a few houses down.  daniel is singing about the man on the sea,  and jude wraps his arm around your shoulders,  pulling you close enough to kiss.  “i love you,”  he whispers,  and you smile at his touch.  daniel starts another verse,  dancing in the sunlight.

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) i'm so happy to finally be answering this oh my goodness hi gorgeous human being i feel that it has been too long 🥲 SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME I'VE WRITTEN ONE OF THESE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN

to answer the things you have said most recently- i'm so mad that spring break is over bc now i have to go back to life??? like dancing and school and shit that feels so unnessacry 😭 and like i can't just do nothing anymore? i was so used to it and now...... ugh. i STILL haven't played sims (i think it's because ✨depression✨ be hitting sometimes) lol but MWAHAH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR!AU AND THAT THEY HAD LITTLE BABY LEO!! i feel the name thing.. i just come up with something that sounds nice? i think leo is a nice name, it makes me think about lea michele and the fact that her son's name is Ever Leo but anyway. i don't name my sims after what i want to name my children irl either... idk why though. (i don't know why i'm telling you this but for boy names i love Liam🥰 and if i had twin boys i think i would do Liam and Peter though i am not married to the name Peter.... anywho)

LMAOOO the therpaist coming made me laugh thank you :)) i hope it's helpful? this may be tmi but i've only really had negative thoughts recently and not many healthy outlets so i'm hoping crossing one thing off this sad list will make me feel better :') i think during spring break my anxiety and my depression really spiked? idk, it comes in episodes but yeah THIS GOT REALLY SAD

i think a lot of things when i read your posts but i never say them hahaha so imma say it now: i googled what bon appetit meant ( i also just had to google how to spell it ) but ur right, i feel like bone apple tea makes more sense than bone apple teeth.. the "th" is throwing me off bc how i say it bone appa (like app-a) teet (like you're saying tit but teet lol) so bone apple tea makes more sense to me lol

i never know really know the time difference for anything lmao but est to germany (that's not gmt is it?) is like 6 hours wOAH so it's like 9pm while it’s 3pm here? wowee

i feel mega weird after watching this show called hollywood (darren criss is in it, so is laura harrier and a bunch of other people) but i don't like it💀 i feel really icky rn and idk why but reading your last response to my ask (?) always makes me feel better :')

i am doing what you said btw, i'm typing this on my computer first then gonna transfer it to my phone's tumblr lol but when you said a digital detox, it's interesting cuz i feel like i've been having one since tom's new project was announced? gOD i don't wanna get into it bc i get so triggered but i've been off of instagram since then bc instagram stans literally stand by tom through whatever even when something ain't right- i’m just gonna leave it there bc i’ll continue the rant, but yeah so i took a break lol

also heard abt your driving lesson thing (?) was it that bad? i can't find the old post but someone asked if you hooked up with your lesson person and i was sOOO CONFUSED LMAOO LIKE OK ARIA GET SOME BUT UHH HUH?

now to address the actual response HAHA the way you touch my heart :') by :') bringing :') up :') halle :') being ariel :') (i honest to God don't remember if i brought this up first, forgive me if i did, it's been a minute lmao) i'm always talking about it and i'm pretty sure my family is so tired of me talking about it lmao, but YEAH when i found out they weren't twins i was so surprised but idk why i always thought they were twins? but YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE WITH THE DISNEY TALK- everyone is always like "tiana is my favorite princess" and yea she's strong and stuff but...... she was a frog. for almost the whole time. it's about time we got another one!! i do agree with some people on the fact that disney should just make another black princess but halle is adorable and i was ariel on stage so it's already really special to me :')

yeah lol there are good times with my brothers but they make me mad for a good portion of the time (there's the 12yo vincent and the 7yo daniel but vincent??? psshhh he is a piece of work and i'm not sure how much longer i can put up with him HAJAH AND YES VINCENT IS THE ONE WHO WAS 👁👄👁WHEN I CRIED AND THE ONE WHO DOESN'T LISTEN TO MUSIC- writing this now makes it sound like vincent is awful. which he isn't... we're working on him ig. not to add to the awfulness but no, he listens to obnoxious loud VIDEO GAME MUSIC and won't stop when we ask him to stop... he gets beat up a lot) anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌

yeah let me know if you end up watching it (wandavision)! i think it's great but if you like it lmk!! tfatws is sooo good like PHEW i am honestly loving it. sidenote: j*hn w*lker makes me wanna jump through the screen and choke him to the ground. i was thinking right, and the falcon and the winter soldier (THATS SO MUCH EASIER FAJHKDAH) would techinally be like a 10 hour movie right? because every episode is an hour long and there'll be 10 episodes? like wow. i get what you mean though, abt the racism in the show etc, like looking forward to it but not like..... no i get what you mean i will not try and give another example lol but you make me wanna learn more languages like really badly (bc of what you said about the german to american translation) & if you end up watching hamilton PLEASE LMK ABT THAT TOO HAHAHA i love it so much, same thing with lion king lmaoo

speaking of germany, i was at lunch on saturday with my mom and her friend and we were talking about my schooling and like-- she planted this idea in my head lol like what if i just got my GED and went around the world (to england probably) to get a theatre experience??? and i think it sounds so cool but no where near practical lol, it's just..... the dream haha and i would then try and learn a language 😉

uh yes we absolutely should order basically a resturant meal at a cinema, how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?

also about cherry (which i still haven't watched yet lol) i got the timestamps from tumblr😌 i couldn't find them anywhere else, but i agree, i probably wouldn't even look twice at cherry if tom wasn't in it? like i liked tdatt a lot, but it's not a movie i would be itching to see ya know?

HAHAHAHA THE 24 HOUR NOTIFICATION- i think i have around 1030 hours on sims? but i've had it since 2019 lmao (reading the screenshots, yes u are 100% a genuis, i take screenshots too but on anon you can't upload them so i just read them and retype what i wrote lmao) i think the university experience in the game is fun, but time consuming and it's all work imo. idk why i do it so often tho 😭😭😭

and agreed!! when you're making good money in the game you have to find other ways to make it interesting. my cousins who play it just continously do "motherlode" and i'm like.... then what do you do in your game?? it just sounds boring to me... my current sims household, i had a famous comedian sim, her name was dylan, aND SORRY IM LAUGHING SO HARD WHILE WRITING THIS BC ITS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF THE UNI THING UNLESS IM JUST DUMB, she went to college for communications when i wanted her to be a comedian and when she graduated i realized that degree did nothing for the career 🥲 so yeah, i think i'm just dumb. but she had a kid in college, guy didn't stick around and she was pretty broke HA but then she got married to this (great) guy named steve, made good bank, had 5 more kids (two sets of twins and one more lol) but then she passed. uhm... yeah that's still an open wound . lol i'm kidding, but when you get rich like that, you have to find a way to make the game interesting and i chose a million kids.

(this was one giant paragraph until i broke it up uhh yeah) i seriously don't pay attention to the sims prices and just end up spending way too much money and not being able to finish the rest of the house😭 but then again, i'm so used to having sims live in apartments... if i end up building a house FIRST OF ALL it'll look like what you explained before lmao but i'll tell you if i actually end up building a house HAHA & planning out your sims game is so fun to me lol, did enisa and michael take in his daughter yet? i may be thinking too far ahead lol and i love that they fucked woohooed (i say woo woo lol) in celebration HAHA but when i was playing with this one couple i had them woo woo every night hoping the dude would have horrible pull out game and they would concieve, but one night they were too tired and i was like why? get back in there man. if i was in college and lived with my partner we would be fucking every night homie. be grateful. i have been talking a lot about sims, and like you said: enough 💀 i just love this game a lot 😭😭

SORRY LAST THING i think the sims romantic and sexual stuff is so nice bc its what i want?? LMAO IDK like the whole hot tub thing you're talking about- puh lease ITS JUST NICE TO SEE OKAY

i'm reading the german section over again and i said aloud "my german friend is so cool" lol (i was saying that to my brothers & i know they don't care LMAO) (& i'm glad the uni zoom call went well!!) so on a form, in german, it could possibily say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer because you would be a participant to an introductory event? i swear german sounds so cool 😌 but i love reading your german lessons!! it's really interesting, most of the time my brain can't comprehend it tho?? like that word makes sense to you, but i need a translation. like to be able to look at that and know what it says.... its just appealing and seems so cool lol i kinda wanna write something out in german but i feel that google translate will fail me. während googeln "google übersetzen" mein Computer war so verdammt langsam und es fühlte sich einfach wie etwas Gutes auf Deutsch zu sagen. ich bin nicht sicher, welches Wort ist "fucking", aber ich mag es lmao (did it fail me like i thought it would??)

LMAOOO THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP JUSTIN BC WHILE AT THE RESTURANT THEY PLAYED A JUSTIN SONG AND I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF YOU AND THIS STORY😭 lol i was thinking it's depending on your age but not even that either... i really don't know.... but tom's fans are hollanders💀 i would consider myself one? he's the only person i'm really into like that (like a lot lol) so idk lmao (directioners 💔💔the pain is real)

LMAOOO (both of these paragraphs started off with “lmaooo” smh) "i like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death" PLEASE, i don't like pete's blonde hair... i just don't. i'm not sure if i wasn't watching the most recent snls but yea. my mom thinks he looks like trash, but i think he's okay? like he said staten island people just look like trash LMAO and I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN KING OF STATEN ISLAND GIRL I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THAT!! now i'm gonna make plans to watch it lmao, & yes agreed i find pete hot, don't ask why i really couldn't explain it to someone he's just .

my favorite songs from rex are from pony oh my goodness 🥺 anywho i'm gonna go eat cereal (i ended up eating bun and cheese instead) and listen to the Stormzy songs you recommended... aria. aria aria aria. i would like to thank you for introducing me to stormzy i- i don't have any words or any emojis to express HOW GOOD STORMZY IS. i hope he's popular in germany/the uk because i haven't heard of him but GURLLLL

one second - delicious i love it. it's really good. it’s not my favorite from the album, but its great.

superheroes - at first i played the non-explicit one (on accident) and wondered why the words weren't playing but i was reading them in the lyrics??? THIS ONE THOUGH??? IS THE BEST SONG I THINK I'VE EVER HEARD. i am so SO SO into black people empowering songs (like brown skin girl by beyonce) and this song???? PHEW I CRYYYYY ITS SO GOOD.... i was gonna quote some lyrics BUT THERS TOO MANY I LOVE, "i am young, black, beautiful, and brave" "black queen, you're immaculate, it's coming at the world, they ain't ready for your magic yet, and that was never your fault" THAT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT- I ALMOST CRIED THIS SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL (i played it twice lol)

lessons is another beautiful one, like its slow and it feels intimate and nurturing and just OO chefs kiss, beautiful . like you can feel the apology and the regret... it’s so good

own it - OWN IT OWN IT OWN IT IS AMAZING!! swear you would catch me dancing to this song, this song is so fucking good i cannot comprehend like this one might be my favorite for real... "it's the way you wind up your waist, i'm so in awe, you never have to worry abt nothing, you know its yours, you know you own it" 🥲 i played it two or three times honestly

rachael's little brother - YES I DID LISTEN TO IT LMAO AND YES I LIKE IT, its a very complex song and it's very layered in terms of emotions i think and i really like that about it. i probably won't listen to it that often, but its really good. i would recommend this song to my "older brother" bc he would just absolutely love this

shut up - i was taking this song seriously (also very good) until i heard him say shu-T up LMAO, this one is good, i probably wouldn't listen to it 24/7 like rachael's little brother but honestly its still fire

before listening to blinded by your grace and vossi bop, i know you brought up the religion bit, i definitely don't mind that, especially because i'm Christian lol and i actually liked that he brought up God in some of his songs like idk i just like it🥰🥰

(i then went to bed after that lol but first thing in the morning i listened to superheroes and... that song is probably my favorite tbh, i was gonna write MORE quotes that i loved from it but, yeah no there's too many. if you want i'll tell you lmao but this is already so long i would just be quoting the whole friggin song)

VOSSI BOP IS A BOP (lol) I CANT EVEN LIE, i love a song that hypes up a dude's girl so the line- i love that my phone decided to fail to load the lyrics, lemme google it, okay the lyric "looking at my girl like what a goddess" i was like AYEEE its honestly just really good. and no one in america says "sauce" like "i've got the sauce" but now i do (thanks to love island and Nas from last season) and now stormzy so (also im gonna watch the music video for superheroes bc it looks great so 😛)

(because this is already so long i feel like i shouldn't finish the rest but . no i'm gonna do it)

now for blinded by your grace pt2 idk why i’m nervous lmaoo PAUSE I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE SONG GIRL THIS SONG IS *chefs kiss* no words, speechless PHEW y'all gon make me start jumping around. why did i not know about stormzy before, he is amazing i- ok yeah i finished the song, all i have to say is that Stormzy is immaclucate. period. i am literally sending his music to all my friends he is..... amazing

you want my song recommendations 🥺🥺 hmm uh okay lol i listen to a lot of old music, whitney houston, marvin gaye, queen, celine dion, i love "more than words" by extreme uhmm okay, but for actual music i listen to on the daily? (this is a lot of different music like.... they do not go together lmao so be prepared) a song about being sad by rex orange county, betty by taylor swift and lover by taylor swift and... most of that album lol, treasure by bruno mars lmao, OOOO and versace on the floor by bruno as well, lazybaby by dove cameron, creep by tlc has been on repeat lol, deja vu by olivia rodrigo (i saw what you said about drivers license and AGREED LMAO but i like deja vu a lot more haha) and two albums that i listen to in general, rare by selena gomez and ungodly hour by chloe x halle 🥰 you don't have to listen to all of them or any of them lol but that's a sense of what i'm into :) so basically everything haha, i'm into literally every single kind of music really so i wasn't too surprised that i enjoyed stormzy :’)

HAHASBSJHAHA your h20 story cracked me up,, like "wow these actors are so dedicated, learning german just for us" 😭 the beauty of overdubbing

once again, math and maths, in my mind maths makes sense because its mathmatics, but saying maths doesn't feel right to me lol, like if i said maths i feel like everyone would look at me like ??? and yea i was taught it as math so its just more natural for me. but yes math/maths is disgusting, easily one of my least favorite subjects so .

mkay. i- the first time i read this i could not contain my laughter when you said the only pollen you know is sex pollen LMAOKOOSHBABJFAJF STOPPP I'M EVEN LAUGHING WRITING THIS,, anyway. wow! that's interesting, my dad (<<< mostly anything else) gets migraines from the sun and the heat and stuff, yesterday (sunday, i was outside for like hours watching my brothers play football, the american kind lol) i was in the sun for like ever and i got a headache😔

summer clothes🥲 i need to go shopping fr fr. for my birthday my mom and dad got me a giftcard like dedicated to a shopping spree and we've yet to go so..... i should bring it up to my mom lol, but!! i went bra shopping (ended up returning literally all of them cuz they honestly didn't work for day to day work? its a long story) and if i could i would walk around in this new "summer bra" i got, i would. it's so fricking cute and its really light fabric (which isn't perfect for my nipples but still) so i don't get hot in it, but that bra and some shorts would be perfect. its the closest thing to being naked so

IS THE BIRD STILL BOTHERING U ARIA, TELL ME NOW ISTG, i laughed really hard that the bird isn't stupid and is really trying to torture you LMAOO like i was rolling, it wants you to suffer, badly

when you said "mensus" it was still close to mens!!! latin speaking queen 😌😌

okay STORYTIME i was reading back your response and started (fake) crying bc i love you lol and my youngest brother (daniel) gon say "oh man, catherine's crying about something we don't care about, again" I--- i swear when i tell you about them they sound awful, but they aren't that bad, just the stuff i say about them is sounds really mean LMAO

but the thing you said about being kind, same, what i always say is: don't be the person that makes people say "i hate people" ya know? like there's no reason to be a jerk or anything.... but its true 🥺🥺🥺🥺 you are really kind and every time i talk to you i would like to personally fly to germany and give you a hug 💖💕💞💗💓💝💖💘

& i'm gonna show my stretch marks some love bc of you 🥺😭 i really hate how men have basically everyone conditioned that you can't love your own body </3 fuck them, y'all beautiful :')

also thanks for what you said :')) you literally are the kindest, sweetest person i think i've ever spoken to and i love you 🥰🥺🥲💓💗

READING YOUR TAGS HAHAHHAHA the spelling errors makes everything so much funnier. once again, i like your german lessons & yea!! i'm gonna play sims after writing this hahah

#catherine's tags are back #i don't think i've told you my name before?? #anyway it's catherine🥰🥰🥰 #i'm typing this on my computer (without emojis) and if i didn't edit this you would be reading shit shite like #heartface and pout and cry LMAO #yeah abt the tattoos #some stuff with my parents i'm like deal with it??? lol #my mom tells me "if there's something you enjoy or you like but i don't have the same opinion on it... why would my (my mom's) opinion matter? #and i love that #like i'm not gonna go and do whatever i want #but if my mom doesn't like that i swear (which isn't true just an example) #its like okay.... #but whatever #and your tattoo ideas sound really cute!! #and yeah @ your parents, i mean you aren't getting something wild #and the tattoo album>>> #i'm gonna look up ariana's butterfly tattoos just so i know what you mean lol #but i'm guessing you don't want something so incredibily simple, but not super like over the top? #correct me if i'm wrong lol #LMAO the tags were in order don't worry ! #and yeah lol ily2 <33 #and once again, again, sorry for this post JSHJS ITS A MESS AND LONG AS HELL #and you don't need to go in order of my post its literally longer than your german compound words #u're fine #also !!! while writing this the birds were chirping outside and i was like 😳 #and one of your fics (i’ve read all of them, i don’t remember lol) that valentine’s day one where y/n had lingerie on (the pancake one lol) #inspired me to buy lingerie #like when i look back on me “growing up” #that fic & basically you lol really helped with that #that made no sense and i don’t know how to make it make sense... but... yeah. like ily

hiiiiiiiiiii <3333

Dear catherine, 😌

(you have said your name before, but it wasn‘t like an introduction or anything i think you were talking about .... was it possibly the incident at the cinema??? And you said something like ‘calm down catherine‘ like you were telling yourself to calm down idkd dkdkkdkd anyway i didn‘t mention it cause i wasn‘t sure if it was an accident or not dkdjd but now i know 😌❤️ Catherine is such a cute and lovely name btw omg and so are your brothers‘s names 🥰

Sorry that I‘m answering this so late, it‘s been an emotional rollercoaster for me since last week but i‘ll get to that in a second lol

Sksklssk girl i haven‘t played sims in like 2 weeks now ekejdkdlldld ok that‘s not that long at all actually but i keep wanting to play but then i end up not playing for whatever reason, so no news about my sims game 😔 but i love the names Liam and Peter and for twins!!! That sounds really nice actually

okay i‘m trying to answer your ask in chronological answer even though i wanted to wait for the depressing stuff and write it at the end or something OKAY so. i thought that i‘d feel so good when i start uni and that i‘ll like... have a purpose in life again and just be happy (cause in the last year i didn‘t do much and i was depressed like half of the time lol).... anyway i kind of feel even worse now? 😭 i think it‘s because in my brain it‘s like: university!!! that means your life will change and it‘ll all be so exciting. and don‘t get me wrong it is exciting butttt..... idk the online thing is so weird cause you‘re not meeting any new people (i‘m introverted anyway but still lol) and it doesn‘t feel like you‘re listening to/talking to actual people cause it feels the same as just watching a video?

also i thought i‘d be busy again but i only have one lecture (90mins) a day and theres one day where i dont have any lectures at all and just one day where i have 3 hours but.... idk i mean i shouldn‘t complain about having so much free time but i just don‘t know what to do all day and in a pandemic there really is nothing to do but i also can‘t relax bc it‘s like during the week and i know i have uni the next day and .... yeah.

There‘s also this one assignment i had to do that took me AT LEAST SIX HOURS AND IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING????? so that was the only thing i‘ve been doing besides “going to“ lectures. for this one course we have to read two (really really long) texts (like it literally took me 3 hours to read them) and we‘re supposed to post it on this website that all the professors in our uni use. So after 5 days of anxiety (✌🏼) i posted mine this morning bc last night i realised that i didn‘t even know why i was having anxiety so i just posted mine today. The deadline is tomorrow at 12 and no one except me has posted theirs yet........ so i have anxiety again 🥰 cause idk if i‘m the only one who did it or if i even did it correctly

Edit while i‘m rereading this: my anxiety about uni is a lot better and i‘m not as d*pressed anymore maybe it was just hormones? idk but i‘m better so that‘s good

(I started writing this like 5 hours ago and then i randomly completely forgot lol)

I‘m in a better mood now though so let‘s move on from that (oh wait also, i think i‘m gonna see if i can find a psychiatrist bc with my anxiety symptoms (long story) i need to go to a psychiatrist, and so far i‘ve only gone to like psycholgists and it didn‘t help but i think that‘s just bc i was meant to go to a psychiatrist and not a psychologist so dldjdjsj

n e ways but yes you‘re not alone, ily, things will get better and yes i love you (i‘m not good at this type of thing🥲 but i‘d hug you right now if i could <3)

Yess i think the time difference between est and me is 6hours but gmt is uk time i believe? i think mine is called.... cet? For central european time? I could be completely wrong though lmao

Oof i completely forgot about hollywood, i remember when laura kept posting about it on instagram but i never actually watched it and i definitely won‘t now lmaodkdksjsn

Okay my driving lesson LEBDJDKDK I DID NOT HOOK UP WITH ANYONE AKSJSKSMMLM especially not my 40 or 50 year old driving instructor lol i like her but NOT LIKE THAT, the lesson was really really really good actually and i think i‘ll have my driving test soon, but i don‘t even remember why the anon would have thought that??? Oh wait now i remember okay KEKSKDLDL so during the lesson my instructor was like do you mind if i turn on some music? AND THIS WOMAN TURNED ON ONE DIRECTION I LOVE HER so i made a post about it and i said something about the song up all night and i guess i phrased it in a .... idk in a dumb way 💀 so the anon made a joke that i stayed up with my driving instructor all night and NO. No.

Wait did i read that right? YOU WERE ARIEL ON STAGE? SIALDBDJDKSLMSBDKDMDMDKDJSLSMDJFJJEDMBFEKLEFBJDLDVSIDLESKSKWKDKDJDOWNYUEKWNDUWLNSUFLWVSUDLEHDOENSIDBEISBEHENJELBSIEMWUDNRIW KB WOBE JO ON SBEUU HIII S HWS LV W ICH US KB okay this keyboard smash is getting out of hand but uh please do elaborate on that 💘😌???? Like you can‘t just drop that information and not say more??? I forgot if you‘re in like your school‘s drama group (is that a thing? lol idk anything about acting) or in an independent group? Either way - ARIEL that is so fucking cool

Your brothers loooooool, no i get it though obviously you love them and stuff but esp at their age children are so annoying so good luck with them 😭😭😭lmao

Yeah “anyway i imagine being an only child is really calming.. like you have time to yourself and its just you and your parents 😌“ yeah just me and my parents who constantly fight 🥰 lmao no i like being an only child, like i cannot imagine having siblings but i feel like if i had siblings i would be saying that i can‘t imagine being an only child so? but i do think it‘s quite different like i‘m trying to imagine having siblings and WHAT that‘s just so different omg i‘ve never really thought about it like properly ???

I saw a tik tok the other day that was like “sometimes i forget that my siblings have a life of their own. like i see them as side characters in my life“ and even though i can‘t relate obviously i felt that. lol, like i can really imagine how it feels idk what i‘m talking about like shut the fuck up, daria

(also my actual name is daria not aria but i dont like it, and also i wanted to be more anonymous on tumblr so now i‘m aria lmao. pls don‘t mention it though cause no one knows except for you and mel (peterbenjiparker) dkdkdkdnkdnd. but i‘m starting to identify with the name cause everyone keeps calling me that looool😭😭😭 (but i like the name, more than daria anyway? well it also depends on the accent, cause the way germans say daria is okay. the was Americans say it is also okay, but some of my family in England are from the north of england and i don‘t like how they say my name 💀 no offence to them(?) but yeah pls don‘t mention the name in your ask cause the chance of people seeing it is higher then (or if you want to say something about it just send a separate ask and i just won‘t post it (IDK what you‘d want to say about my name but yeah just in case slsldlldmsndnsns)

I‘m loving falcon and winter soldier so much but when i was watching an episode the week before last week (?) my laptop broke😭😭😭😭 during the scene where the dora milaje came at the end my laptop just shut down? And it had these lines all over the screen and i had to bring it to the shop where i bought it and they said it‘ll take 6-8 weeks to repair 💔💔💔 but at least it‘ll be for free, cause if i brought it back to apple it would cost like 400€ (i think that‘s nearly 500$) so yeah. but it sucks cause now i‘m “going to uni“ on a really old rusty laptop and on my phone which kinda sucks. oh yeah and also i can‘t watch anything on there 😭 i definitely want to watch wandavision but it‘ll have to wait🤧

Yessss you should def get your GED! I googled and I‘m still not entirely sure what it is dldks but from how you described it- YES!!!!!!

Idk if you know this? Like no idea if I‘ve told you this already (hmmm wait i feel like we talked about it actually?) anyway i was originally gonna go study in England, but for loads of reasons I ended up staying in Germany and I‘m def happy with my decision, but I definitely want to go to England sometime even if it‘s just for six months or maybe for my masters or something? And (obviously everyone is different) but i think everyone should go abroad and live in a different country once in their life, no matter if it‘s for school or what, and even if it‘s just for a few weeks. But i think that‘s something that you‘d never ever forget! And combining that with your acting/theatre??? You really would be living the dream 💘💘😌

how about burgers, chips (fries), and a large drink? any time next week works for me, should i pick you up?— sounds good see you soon 🥰🥰🥰

i used to be one of the people who‘d just do motherlode motherlode motherlode and just... what did i do? Why did i do that??? But not anymore lol. Like I said i haven‘t played sims in a few weeks but i‘ve been watching a few legacy challenge let‘s plays and usually i play with the aging off. So my sims just don‘t age 💀 but i could (should) turn aging on so that it stays exciting and i have limited time and everything. and once i get bored with my current sims i can just make them have kids and continue playing as their children when they get older- like recently i remembered that i haven‘t played the acting career in ages? and i haven‘t had a shop in ages? and i think you can even become a vet right??? like those are definitely some things i want to do in the next weeks!!! Also yes sksksjs i have a few hundred hours on sims as well (if not thousands 😭) it was just that one household that i‘d been playing with for 24hrs

AND GIRL SSKSKJD THE UNIVERSITY THING HAPPENED TO ME TOO, it was a while ago so i don‘t remember what degree and what job it was about but i made my sim study something for aaaaaages so she‘d get a better job from the beginning (you know what i mean like get in at a higher level)...... and i apparently studied the wrong thing cause i didn‘t get any benefits from studying and still had to start at level 1 and shit 🥴🥲

Oh also (this was like 2 weeks ago) Enisa and Michael did take in Michael‘s daughter and i think Enisa currently even has a higher/better relationship with the daughter than Michael but um💀💀💀 also i was hoping (since michael and enisa married (in their back yard i think lol) that the daughter (i forget what her name is😭) would have enisa as her step mom? Like you know how you can see the relationship and it says daughter or son or sister.. and i was hoping that it would say step mom but it doesn‘t say anything 🥲 but in my mind (and if the sims had proper family relations) she is her step mom😌 also Leo is a teenager now???? I mean I aged him up lol dkdk he was being too annoying as a toddler but i don‘t like children so i aged him up twice in one day and now he‘s a teen, but that means he can look after his half sister when she becomes a toddler which is good (the game recognises them as siblings tho even if they‘re just half siblings? why can‘t they have step family members in the sims🥲) okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

I‘ve been a bit sick these past few days and now i‘m getting a headache so i have to finish this response tomorrow 😭😭😭 </3

.

It‘s not tomorrow, it‘s 3 hours later but i‘m better lol

oooff when sims are ungrateful and won‘t woo woo (lol i like that) cause they‘re too tired like?? Be grateful that you‘re not living with your parents anymore 🙄 no okay dkdkdkdl idk if you play with mods (i don‘t) but i know there is a mod (or it‘s part of a mod idk maybe wicked whims?) where you can adjust the percentage of how risky a normal woo woo is, like you still click woo woo (3dksksks okay i‘ll say woohoo again— wait is that what’s it called? 😭) but there‘s like a 25% chance that your sim can still get pregnant just like in real life there‘s always a chance of getting pregnant even if you‘re using protection (just not 25% lmao) but yeah i personally don‘t play with mods sksk and you can always just click try for baby but it would be cool if you could add stuff like risky woohoo to the game without mods (i have no idea how to download mods and i play sims on a really really old laptop and sims is literally tje only thing that works on it anyway so—) i repeat my words from earlier: okay i‘ve annoyed you enough with sims ✋🏼

okay i‘m so sorry i‘m gonna watch fast & furious 1 now cause i need to watch f&f 1-5 until the 30th of april cause they‘re only on netflix til then (i mean i could watch them somewhere else but the quality is never as good) so i will finish this tomorrow after all😭

it is now 1 am, i finished the film, can feel a new obsession coming up again (i always have these f&f obsessions for six months before and after a new film comes out)

THE GOOGLE TRANSLATE wkekdjdj tbh it sounds like someone is speaking with some kind of foreign accent i guess that‘s probably because it just is a direct translation and so anyway slsjsj i don‘t know if you asked me what the word fucking is in german? like idk cause the translation is a bit weird but in case you asked lol sidjsjs theres not really a good translation like we just say fuck for fuck lmao, i don‘t know if you typed in fucking in google translate and it came out as verdammt? cause that means damn (or damned sksjjs) ummm yeah idek if/what you asked so imma move on🤧

I‘m not gonna comment on what you said about every stormzy song cause you already said all the important things but SKSKSJSJSKNSNDBDUDOENWBSLSKKHSULSLSKSBSJSKSK I WAS SMILING SO HARD WHEN I READ YOUR RESPONSE FOR THE FIRST TIME BECAUSE AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH finally i know someone who loves him as much as i do 💘💘💘 also since you brought it up, i‘m pretty sure he‘s considered the most successful UK rapper or if not then at least top 3 so he‘s defffffffffinitely big in the uk, in germany more and more people are listening to uk rap too but not as much stormzy cause theyre dumb apparently 🙄 but anywY i‘m sooooo sooo happy that you like him. i think hith came out end of 2019 (i could be wrong but i think it came out on the 13th of december so (in a european way) you‘d write the date: 13.12 and obviously i don‘t KNOW this but i can definitely imagine that he chose that date because ACAB and yes, Michael. Yes. But he hasn‘t made too much music since then so i hope he‘s working on some new stuff 🤞🏼

Also i ordered the stormzy poster😌 also a nicki minaj one bc i decided i‘m gonna have one wall with red-ish posters (i already have two kinda red ones) and one with blue/green-ish posters (already have two) and i can add stormzy to the blue one and nicki to the red one, but i think that‘s it cause if my walls are tooo full it could look cluttered? I‘m not sure how that type of thing works lmao but my room is generally untidy so i don‘t want the walls to look unorganised too so i think that‘s it for now

I really want to finish this now but my brain is getting kinda slow and i need to sleep soon so this will have to wait till later after all 🥺🥴 (not that it makes and difference to you bc you‘ll see this whenever i post it buttttt i wanted you to know that i want to talk to you again but with my slow brain i‘m just taking too long to do it in one day😭😭😭 and i‘m so busy tomorrow hmm but i‘m sure i‘ll have 30 minutes to finish this then <3)

Okay wait I‘m so dumb I didn‘t realise I‘d nearly answered everything i could have posted this yesterday 😭😭

Oooohh that summer bra sounds so nice like if i was confident enough i literally would just wear a top that resembles a bra (or really is a bra lol) cause my tiddies always be looking amazing i‘m just insecure about my stomach sometimes 🙄🙄🙄 but recently i‘ve been loving myself more and more tbh 😌

also i hope you can go shopping for some nice clothes soon ✨😌

I‘ll be honest I haven‘t listened to your song recs YET but only because i wanna take my time with them and i‘ve been so busy and slso AJ tracey‘s album came out last week and I haven‘t listened to that one yet either so ekdkdj (he‘s also a uk rapper like quite popular and successful as well, but i feel like i‘m not gonna like his album cause whenever i‘m looking forward to an album it ends up being really bad and the albums where you weren‘t expecting it turn out to be bangers.... so yeah but i‘ll let you know when i listen to your songs!!!! :)

Omg i keep having to scroll up all the way to see the next thing you said so sorry if I completely miss some of the things you said😭😭

So when you sent this the bird was still bothering me oh my FUCK DKDLDMMDMDMD but now i‘ve been going to bed at like 1-2am so the bird is probably still asleep lool

Okay and for the rest of your ask my response is: 💘💖❣️💚❣️��❣️💛💕💞❤️💓💟💞💕💕💖💘💝💟💟🧡❤️🧡💞💛💚💓💚💚💚❣️🧡💖💘🧡💝🧡💕💘🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥰🥺🥺💘💘💘💘💘 (okay that looked cuter in my head i don‘t really like the green hearts dldkkdksndnd)