#they just weren't the vibe right now but i'm gonna go back to them someday

[yellowloid]

hello hello, do you have a new fic planned? Absolutely devoured your last one (and every single one before that, you're amazing) and would LOVE to read a new one soon :)

awww thank you anon, this was really nice to hear rn 🥺💖

speaking of my writing plans, i definitely have something in the works, but there's still a long way to go and it's gonna take a while before it sees the light of day! that is, if i actually manage to finish it lmao

[pink-princess-pussy-pop]

SPEAK NOW - Foolish One

Rafe Cameron x Reader Taylor Swift AU

My cards are on the table, yours are in your hand. Chances are, tonight, you've already got plans. And chances are, I will talk myself to sleep again.

Sofia's text kept you up all night. You had sent Rafe a text this morning and were still awaiting his reply.

Hi! What are you doing today? I need to talk to you.

You give me just enough attention to keep my hopes too high. Wishful thoughts forget to mention when something's really not right.

He had read the message 23 minutes ago and the waiting was making you sick. Did he know what Sofia has said to you? Had she told him not to talk to you? You had typed out several follow-ups but hadn't sent any of them, too afraid of overstepping.

And I will block out these voices of reason in my head. And the voices say, "You are not the exception. You will never learn your lesson."

Your nerves were getting the best of you, the thoughts in your head growing increasingly meaner.

Why in the world would he choose you over her? She's literally his girlfriend.

What if he knows you like him and doesn't want to speak to you anymore?

Do you really think he would leave her for you?

Foolish one. Stop checking your mailbox for confessions of love that ain't never gonna come. You will take the long way, you will take the long way down.

Deep down, you knew you would never be with Rafe. You just always were a hopeless romantic. You knew it was stupid to think he'd love you back but it was nice to dream, even if you broke your own heart along the way.

You know how to keep me waiting, I know how to act like I'm fine. Don't know what to call this situation, but I know I can't call you mine. And it's delicate, but I will do my best to seem bulletproof.

Rafe still hadn't replied the next day. You had a feeling he wasn't going to pick you up like usual so you asked your mom to take you.

"Why isn't Rafe getting you?"

Your acting skills pulled through the lie.

"He had to be early this week for football stuff."

When you got to school, you did your best to seem like everything was ok to your other friends. They thought it was weird you weren't walking in with Rafe but didn't say anything. Your only class with Rafe was your 5th period but it was after lunch. You took a deep breath before walking into the cafeteria, holding your lunch to your chest.

Rafe's eyes were on you the second you walked into the cafeteria. But you didn't glance at him once. He knew he was being a jerk.

'Cause when my head is on your shoulder, it starts thinking you'll come around, and maybe someday when we're older, this is something we'll laugh about over coffee every morning while you're watching the news.

As you sat with your friends, you thought about the weeks before Rafe had started talking to Sofia. There seemed to be some sort of more-than-friends vibe you were getting but you had been wrong in the end. You'd go get some drive-through junk food and eat it in the bed of his truck, the night ending with you falling asleep with your head in his lap. On other nights you'd watch a movie at Tannyhill or Rafe would come to eat dinner with your family. It felt so right, so domesticated.

But then the voices say, "You are not the exception. You will never learn your lesson."

Your eyes traveled to the table Rafe was at. He wasn't watching you anymore, eyes on Sofia, who was obviously flirting with Kelce. You rolled your eyes and shifted your eyes back to your friends.

Foolish one. Stop checking your mailbox for confessions of love that ain't never gonna come. You will take the long way, you will take the long way down. Foolish one. Stop checking your mailbox for confessions of love that ain't never gonna come. You will learn the hard way, instead of just walkin' out.

"Is everything ok with you and Rafe? I saw your mom drop you off today." Your best friend keeps her voice quiet.

"Yeah." You lie through your teeth. "I think Sofia was getting a little uncomfortable with us hanging out so much so I'm just giving them some space."

Now I'm slidin' down the wall with my head in my hands sayin', "How could I not see the signs?" Oh, you haven't written me or called, but goodbye screamin' in the silence and the voices in my head are tellin' me why.

You had been checking your phone non-stop throughout the day, just waiting to see if Rafe had texted you. But nothing. You knew you were just hurting yourself but you just couldn't stop yourself with Rafe.

"Cause you got her on your arm, and me in the wings. I'll get your longing glances, but she'll get your ring, and you will say you had the best of intentions. And maybe I will finally learn my lesson.

You look back at Rafe's table again, letting your gaze linger for a moment longer. Your breath catches in your throat as Rafe's eyes lock on yours. His smile falters. You surprise yourself by holding your ground, not blinking. Topper hits Rafe's arm to get his attention and he looks away.

Foolish one. The day is gonna come for your confessions of love. When all is said and done, he just wasn't the one.

You could laugh. Years of friendship down the drain for what? For a stereotypical high school mean girl who could care less about him? You rolled your eyes.

If Rafe was willing to move on from your thirteen years of friendship, so could you.

No, he just wasn't the one.

"Did you hear about the party this weekend?"

"Yes! I'm so excited, I've been needing a break."

"Y/N, are you gonna go?"

You knew the party was at Tannyhill, Rafe had told you about it weeks ago. Sarah was hosting it and Rafe was bound to be there.

"Sure. Why not?"

As lunch ended, you got a text.

Can I drive you home today?

You look back to Rafe's table, his eyes already on yours.

!!

[inky-eclipse]

disassociating and dissociating

man. my hand hurts. it hurts to type a little bit. this shit isn't symbolic, i just wanted to vent about it. as for the title, i remember i saw some texts talking about how there is a difference between dissociating and disassociating. i feel like those two words really sum up the past two weeks.

let me tell you what's really been crawling under my skin. i've been trying to get something passed by my other organization members, and one of them has been taken forever. the thing is, it would take like maybe ten minutes for this person to just look the document over but nooo this person's taking their sweet ass time. let me be so for real, i didn't want to ask these fuckers for their approval, but i need it so that the document can be passed without my ass getting in hot water for moving forward without everyone being in agreement. i didn't want to ask them about it 'cause idk where they stand and i really strive to avoid getting more pissy white folks on my back but i must be honey with the way i'm attracting these white fruit flies. god speaking of white folks, i don't know. you ever just not feeling the right vibe with some folks? there's this other organization i'm kinda with and like. it's just not it. like you'd think you'd be able to be friendly with folks that you're collaborating with even if you aren't staying in their organization, but that's not the vibe i've been getting as of late. i'm gonna do something about it soon, i just gotta buckle down and do it regardless of how it's perceived. i just read that and that sounds intense but i'm just describing leaving the organization. i'm being very strong and brave ngl.

i guess that touched on the disassociating part. i don't fully fuck with these two organizations i guess. it's like i'm a puzzle with multiple, very different pieces to me and every time i interact with some orgs, i realize that there are more pieces to me and that those pieces could never really connect with others in those orgs. man. i hate when people are nice just to keep you in the org. just be real man. i need to get some physical items that i normally use my phone for so that i don't have to keep my phone on my all the time. i wanna throw my phone into a big ass puddle outside. forget burning bridges they're being flooded. i don't even know how to talk about the dissociating part. well it wasn't really dissociating in the ways that i used to do it in. it was more like daydreaming for hours and hours. so yeah not healthy but not dissociation in the way i understand it. clickbait ass title. i've never daydreamed like that before as far as i can remember. i usually distract myself with books, shows, games, etc., but i've never been stuck in my little world. it's stopped now, but it was really disruptive when it was happening. i'd set timers to try to snap myself out of it before i had tasks that i couldn't skip, but sometimes i'd be too engrossed to leave my mind. i wonder if it kinda goes back to how i've been struggling with orgs and maybe my brain finds the daydreaming stress-relieving. i don't like thinking back to this, but the daydreams weren't even creative. it'd just be a few scenarios played out again and again with some variations. i'm a mouse on a wheel somedays. i don't know. i don't even know what mental health and/or neurodivergent stuff i got nowadays. i don't even know if there's anything new that's wrong with me. it'd be worse if there's nothing wrong with me. i can't fix nothing. there's still stuff i'm motivated to do at least even if i'm frustrated. somebody the other day asked me if i was okay. "are you okay?" first of all, stfu. if i waited to be okay before doing the things i wanted to do, i'd be waiting for the rest of my damn life. i should go to the garden soon.

[topweeklyupdate]

TØP Weekly Update #142: A Formidable Album (5/21/21)

So... how 'bout that album release week?

There's so much to cover; the release of nine new songs, the hype that's building for the World's Best Band to return to the stage, and (if we're able to come up for air) the massive speculation of what the future brings for our band.

I'm gonna get right into it, laying out my thoughts regarding this bold new album and covering all the most notable news from the week. I'll be sharing my (mostly) positive opinions about Scaled and Icy under the Read More line; I hope they're the start of a fun conversation with all of y'all who have stuck around through this last year.

Scaled and Icy Review

First, my general thoughts on the album: It's good! Really good. Do I think it's a no-skip like Vessel or a cohesive piece of art like Trench? Absolutely not! But it's also not the potential misfire that I worried that we might be getting when I first heard "Saturday" (more on that later); I think all of the songs are at least good, and some of them are downright great tracks that hold up with anything else that our band has ever released. It is also indisputably very different, but I think that generally works pretty well. Many of the songs evoke '60s rock or Britpop sounds and structures that you can tell Tyler is still trying to navigate, but I think he does a very solid job at adapting them to suit his strengths- namely his lyricism and knack for melody- rather than change to suit them. Unfortunately, this does result in a bit of square-peg-in-round-hole syndrome at times; most of the rap verses on the album feel like they're here just to fulfill an obligation to fans who would be mad if they weren't here, and most of the songs that use them are the weakest ones in the project.

"Good Day" plays a major role in getting the rest of the album to work as well as it does. Its gradual ramp-up, introducing the sound that will be used throughout the rest of the album. Its playfulness belies its message about how one can project a somewhat false optimism for oneself in the midst of tragedy: the type of dark stuff in a bright package that Tyler is so so good at. It's perhaps not an instant classic, but I am excited to see how it comes across when it's eventually used as a show-opener. 9/10

I've of course already discussed "Shy Away"; an anthemic, inimitably catchy track that I just wish had a bit more going on under the hood. Still going to be so good to hear thousands of voices scream "An 'I LOVE YOU' that isn't words!" someday. 9.5/10

"Choker" definitely took a little bit to grow on me. I think part of that was a bit of disappointment from over-inflated expectations and the environment I was in when I first heard it. With further listens, I fall more and more in love with the melody of the song... well, most of it. Like the rest of this album, the biggest weakness in the song is when Tyler tries to tick the box of having a rap verse; it just feels really out of place, unfinished, and almost amateurish, and it doesn't end the song on the note that it really should. Without it, it'd be one of my favorites on the album; with it, "Choker" is a solid 8.5/10.

Speaking of unfinished-sounding songs really hurt by their rap verse: "The Outside". There's a definite something to the vibe of the song, but that seemingly nonsensical verse is one of the two weakest parts of the entire project for me. The way the song meanders only adds to the feeling that there wasn't as much energy and attention paid to it compared to other parts of the project. It's pretty easily my least favorite track on Scaled and Icy, and the only one I might regularly skip. I've also seen plenty of people saying it's the best song on the album, so please tell me why I'm wrong! 6.5/10

"Saturday", as mentioned above, had me really nervous about this album. Like "Choker", it's grown on me a bit since I first heard it, in part because it fits better with the context of the rest of the album. However, this one really does feel undercooked lyrically and overreliant on the novelty of using a disco-inspired sound that seems to chase trends more than almost any other TØP track. The inclusion of that very sweet audio clip from Jenna boosts the song in some ways, but also adds to the disappointment in others; there are many other songs on this project that would be more worth surrendering time watching Friends. Thankfully, those come next. 7/10

"Never Take It" is fascinating. I never thought I'd hear a Rolling Stones-style song from Tyler Joseph featuring a gd guitar solo of all things, and it actually sounds pretty great. However, I also predict that this song will see some of the greatest critical scrutiny out of all the songs on the album. The lyrics seem to be Tyler's criticism of the media for playing up division in our society, but he's extremely vague when discussing which entities are spreading said division and ultimately recommends that people "educate yourself, but never too much". I'll be honest: maybe it's the fact that it sounds like something my dad would listen to, but it feels like this would get tons of play on Fox News. Since it makes specific reference to the events of last summer, it's hard not to feel like song is at least partially inspired by Tyler's brush with cancellation last year. Maybe I'm reading too deeply into it, but those reservations come from the song's lack of specificity, which is an issue of songwriting more than politics. They hold me back from truly loving a song that still manages to be one of the most exciting the band has ever put out. 8.5/10

"Mulberry Street" seems like the perfect realization of the entire album's intended tone. It is so pleasant, so lush while also simply produced, full of great lyrics, metaphors, and imagery. It really brings the whole project together, even if it's missing That One Line to really move this up to the top tier of the canon. 9.5/10

"Formidable" is the best song on the album and one of two songs I would truly rank in the top tier of the band's canon. Extremely pleasant and brimming with well-crafted lines to make your heart swoon. Jenna (and Rosie) is (are) a lucky gal(s). Or is it about Josh? Who's to say? 10/10

"Bounce Man" is just plain wild. I think Tyler's smuggling someone to Mexico to escape the feds? The playfulness of it all really covers up any frustration I might have with the clarity; it makes it clear that there's not really stakes here, just vibes. 8.5/10

"No Chances" sees the album take a turn that I'm sure the Reddit Clique is going to have an absolute field day with; it and "Redecorate" both sound quite different from the rest of the album and evoke enough elements of Trench to make me think that's it's actually possible that all this 'SAI is Propaganda' stuff might actually have something to it... until I actually pick apart the lyrics, then I'm even more confused. The song has some of the best rapping on the album, though that's not saying much (the feng shui line is a groaner right out the gate) and the gentle pre-chorus is really pleasant. I still haven't made up my mind on whether the chorus is effective or just plain goofy. This one might get worse or better on repeat listens, impossible to say for now. 7.5/10

"Redecorate" rounds out the album by opening with a Clancy quote (Tyler, you bastard), firmly setting this as a coda to Trench more than the album we just listened to. The rest of the song is really storytelling, with Tyler describing a bunch of people who are struggling deeply. The idea of "redecorating" here stands for how they are faced with the option to clean and resort their own spaces and lives or leave that to their loved ones to do after they're gone. By the time it gets to the album's name drop, you begin to wonder how much of this is potential autobiographical of the last year. It's moving stuff, a callback to some of the great strengths of the band's discography. 10/10

If I average those scores all up, this project ranks below almost every album among the Pilots discography on my rating scale, very narrowly edging out Self-Titled. That's still a very solid 8.6. Scaled and Icy is a very good album on first listen. We'll see how I feel about it after having a little more time to sit with it, but I've rambled enough: let's move through the rest of the week's news.

Other News

Of course, there was a lot else going on this week! To accompany the release of "Saturday", Zane Lowe over at Apple Music dropped an interview with Tyler. As usual, Zane did a pretty solid job of getting to the heart of the craft and the creation process. However, Tyler also wound up skirting a lot of the questions to just talk more about how much he loves being a dad, which makes me happy; if the cost of getting a little less attention and mental energy devoted to the music is that little girl getting all of his attention, that's honestly preferable for me.

The album rollout is not even close to over. Later today, the concert will be streamed live. It's our first real performance that we've gotten from the band since 2019, but the previews that we've seen have completely exceeded any of my expectations, and really anything that we've seen from the band. It appears that they've transformed the entire arena (which I think is the ol' Schott at Ohio State) into a whole TØP world, with different sets laden with Easter eggs and a cast of backup dancers. If the website can hold up to the traffic (and I acknowledge that might be a big ask), this could really live up to Tyler's promise of this being the best livestreamed concert ever.

Oh, and this guy dyed his hair pink.

What a time to be a fan. Catch you all tomorrow.

Power to the local dreamer.

|-/

[jaehyunsuh]

Once Again; Taeil // part 1

part 2

"I saw your eyes and bomber

though we said goodbye the moment I knew about the fluttering

on windy days, on summer days, will you remember me?"

series: songs for you🌃

REQUESTS ARE: OPEN

—pairing: taeil x reader

—genre: fluff/ summer love/ slight angst

—word count: +950

summary: you are finally having summer vacations at college, the lasts months has been crazy, full of exams, homework, projects, unhelpful team members and stupid fuckboys. You couldn't wait anymore until you get out of there. You have wanted to travel to a place far away from America, where you can meet new people and be free of the dramatic people back in your city. You explored your options, finally Seoul catches your attention, it seems like a calm and chill city, it has a river, lots of gardens, full of music and dancing, good looking food and also you could learn a lot about the culture. Maybe you can find something else in there?

you've had the best 3 weeks of your life with Taeil. You cook and eat every meal together, you walk for hours talking about endless topics, he sings any song you want him to, you spend the whole day cuddling and having makeout sessions, he let's you pick all movies, he grabs your hands anywhere you go. He actually try to taught you how play guitar, it ended up pretty bad because you have cero talented but since he has to place his fingers in yours the last time in ended up in another makeout session.

he has shown you every single corner of Seoul by now, you spend the majority of the nights at the Han River if you aren't cuddling while watching movies. He lets you take pics of him as part of the scenario and he even took you to one of his gigs, and let me tell you, watching him singing while playing his guitar made you actually jump onto him and shower him with kisses as soon as you arrived to your permanent home.

today Taeil left early because he had to help Haechan decorate his new apartment, you are once again overthinking about every aspect of your life. You have had the greatest time of your life with a guy that you just met, you couldn't believe all of this was real and happening to you. But suddenly reality hits you. Collage starts in two weeks and you have to leave in two days, you haven't told anything to Taeil because you don't know how, since the beginning he knew you where going to leave someday and you've had such a great time that you didn't even remembered when were you leaving.

you stood up in front of the mirror looking at yourself and the mess that you are right now, you should be picking up your stuff and start packing your bags but you don't want, you wish to stop time and stay in this moment or at least rewind all the thing you have lived in the past 3 weeks. 

a few hours has passed after your thinking session and you decide to start organizing and packing you bags. Taeil hasn't come yet and you lowkey hope he doesn't, you really don't want to confront him and the reality.  

"Hi babe." Taeil enters the room with a bright and big smile.

"Wh-what are you doing." He sees your suitcase on the bed while you fold some clothes and put them inside it. He gets serious and puts on a sad expression.

you stop right at the moment that you hear his voice. You don't want to look up and talk to him because you feel like you are gonna breakdown right there. You continue to fold your clothes pretending you didn't hear anything.

"Hey! Y/n, I'm talking to you. What is happening? What is all of this?. He says surprised sitting on the edge of the bed. He is now staring right at you waiting for an answer.

"T-taeil." You voice shakes and you slowly look up.

"I have to leave." You finally stare at him seeing how his eyes change at the moment you talk.

"WHAT? when are you leaving." He sounds desperate.

"I have to leave in two days, in the morning." You look down again playing with your hands trying not to cry.

"And why didn't you tell me anything?" He now looks disappointed and it breaks your heart in pieces.

"I didn't wanted to, i don't know why, i just didn't wanted this to end."

"And you think the best solution is avoiding it and telling practically one day before leaving? Do you realize tomorrow is the last day we can spend together?" He looks mad and that's an expression you have definitely never seen on him.

"I'm sorry okay? I didn't wanted to confront this situation because i don't to leave you." Your eyes slowly start to water and you fight back trying to hold your tears, Taeil seeing you cry was only to make this worst.

"Then why don't you stay with me? I'm not worthy enough for you to stay." He looks at you really hurt.

"Taeil you know i can't stay. I start collage in two weeks, i have a whole life back home and i can't stay just because you want to fulfill your 'summer love' fantasy." As soon as those words escape from your mouth you realize how bad you messed up. You start regretting what you say but it's too late.

"Wow, so that's how you really feel?" He says looking at the roof.

"I really thought that you were different and nice but now i see that you just wanted me to repair all the damage that it was cause to you and then leave completely fixed, right? Because it feels great to feel good now and break someone's heart in the way." He is annoyed and the way he is talking is breaking your heart.

"You left because you wanted to get away from all the negative vibes and people. But you haven't realized you are just as toxic as them." He says while leaving the room and slamming the front door.

you were now heartbroken and hurt, crying while sitting on the floor of your room, remembering his disappointment and the way his eyes started watering at the end, but also the words he told you before leaving. Taeil has been the most special person to you and you weren't able to be honest with him and have a propper goodbye, and also he now has a negative image of you that you won't probably be able to fix.