#they dont even mention the name of the author it's. incredible

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

obsessed with people who somehow live their lives entirely ignorant of the englishspeaking internet. im watching dutch booktubers barely 6 months ago ENTHUSIASTICALLY recommend harry potter. no mention of Anything At All. just,,,"we all know this one right?? :D" we sure do! WE SURE DO DONT WE

[jakeshands]

WIKIHOW: to unlove heeseung lee

pairing: lee heeseung x fem!reader

synopsis: how to unlove heeseung lee. a comprehensive guide written by lily morrow. step #1: tell him, to his face, you don’t love him. step #2 — there’s no step number two. lily got distracted. now its up to you. how does one fall out of love? a story told in two acts

genre: crack, comedy, romantic comedy, fluff, lots of silliness, slight teacher au/new girl au if u squint, lowkey unreliable narrator

featuring: enhypen, lily of nmixx, yunjin of lsfm, jeongin of skz, beomgyu of txt, ningning of aespa, wonyoung of ive

warnings: lots of kys jokes/humor like a lot😭, loads of profanity, loads of sex jokes/mentions of sex, a joke about christian guilt and cathliocism, lmk if i missed any

word count: 12.6k

author’s note: look. i just started writing. sorry. incredibly unedited and dont take this seriously PLEASE😭😭😭😭

Act I: I loved you from the start.

[SCENE: ENGAGEMENT PARTY, 6 PM]

A gentle pink cascades across the sky. You exit the restaurant, the excitement of the engagement party seeping out of you as soon as the door shuts. One of your college friends, Chaeyoung, is finally engaged to her high school sweetheart. You remember receiving the news from Chaeyoung over the phone. She sounded ecstatic, and so were you. 

A gentle breeze blows through the air and it pushes your hair back softly. You swing your black handbag and hum the rhythm of a song you can’t quite remember under your breath. You pass by a convenience store and you double back deciding to enter the store. 

Greeting the worker, you rummage through the selves and find snacks for yourself and your roommates. Home run balls, corn chips, and tiramisu. You pick out a bag of tiny animal-shaped cookies for yourself. After buying the four items, you exit the store and continue your journey back home.

With a heavy exhale, you unlock the door to your apartment and with one hand gripping the doorknob, you begin to undo the straps of your heels, hobbling into the apartment. Loud sounds of sobbing and sniffling fill the apartment, and after finally sliding off your heels, you glance up at the scene in front of you. 

Sitting on the sofa and watching the end of the Titanic were your roommates. A pile of tissues sat in the center of the coffee table, and bowls of discarded ramen lay on the floor. Jay was sobbing loudly into the bright pink pillow you picked out when you first moved in, Sunghoon was blowing his nose over and over, and Jake was hugging his dog, Layla, whom he somehow managed to sneak into the apartment when he first moved in. 

“Y/N!” Cries Jay, noticing you. “You’re back!” 

Sunghoon blows his nose. 

You hold up a small plastic bag. “I come bearing snacks.” 

Jay sobs harder. “You’re the best girl friend we’ve ever had.” 

You smile. “I better be.” You had out the snacks you bought for each boy; home run balls for Jake, tiramisu for Sunghoon, and corn chips for Jay. “Also, didn’t we ban Titanic from our apartment? Last time we watched it, you three didn’t speak to each other for a week.” 

“We did,” Sunghoon agrees easily. 

“...So why are you watching it?”

“Ask Jake,” Sunghoon points at the boy still sobbing into Layla’s fur. 

“I’m fine….he’s obviously going through something.” 

“Rosie!” Jake wails loudly.

“That’s not even her name, Jake,” Jay scowls. 

Jake responds with another loud sob. Rolling your eyes, you open up the bag of your animal-shaped cookies and walk through the living room to reach the kitchen. You throw your handbag on the counter, and then shriek loudly when you catch sight of another body in the kitchen. 

“Y/N?” Jay calls out, his voice not as shaky as it was before. “Is everything okay?”

You poke your head back into the living room and scowl at the three boys, and one girl  -- Jake insists everyone references Layla as a ‘girl’ and not a ‘dog.’ As you can tell, Layla is the only girl in his life aside from you and Lily Morrow -- sitting on the couch. “Why is he in our kitchen eating our food?” 

“The couple he was rooting for on Love Island got voted off, or something like that, and he needed some Boy Time,” Sunghoon answers.

“And he came here? Instead of slipping into Jeongin’s room and getting stoned?”

“He needed an emotional connection,” Jay says after wiping his snotty nose with your pink cushion. 

“Jeongin is a very emotional guy,” you refute. “He is very in touch with his feelings, unlike the three boys I live with. And the one in the kitchen. I would like one of you to tell him he needs to leave.” 

“Why can’t you?!” Jake wails again. “We’re all emotionally devastated at the moment!” 

Sunghoon and Jay nod, agreeing with Jake’s words. You scowl. “Last time I talked to him I got a rash and a head cold. I can’t get sick.” 

“You work with kids who refuse to cough into their elbows. Of course you were going to get sick,” Jay rolls his eyes. “Just talk to him.” 

“No!” You whine petulantly, resting against the doorframe. “Please. Don’t make me talk to him.” 

“I have a name, you know,” a gentle voice says from behind you, and you shriek, stumbling away from the doorframe and into the back of the couch. The gentle voice laughs loudly, and standing in the doorway to the kitchen, in all his glory, is Heeseung Lee. His silver hair somewhat shines beneath the orange-toned lighting, and his mouth curves up into that stupid heart smile of his. 

“Monster!” You shriek, pointing at Heeseung, who is eating a donut from the box you brought home earlier today. “There’s a monster in my apartment! Jay, quick, get him out!” You punch the apartment’s self-proclaimed black cat in the arm, to which he hisses. No surprises there. He spends too much time around….do you dare say it……Jungwon. 

Heeseung rolls his eyes. “You’re so dramatic, Y/N.” 

“And you need to leave.” 

“And if I don’t?”

“Then you need to buy me another box of those donuts you’re eating.” 

Heeseung looks down at the box he is holding and then looks back at you. He shrugs. “How much was it?”

“Seventeen dollars.” 

Heeseung raises his eyebrows. “You bought a box of donuts for seventeen dollars? Twelve donuts for seventeen dollars?” 

“What’s wrong with that?” You frown. 

Heeseung sighs and finishes the last of the chocolate donut he’s eating before rubbing his now free hand against his forehead. “You give me migraines.” 

“Good,” you respond. “Now get out.” 

Heeseung pouts, “do you not care about me?”

You shake your head. “No, not really.” 

“We’ve spent our whole lives together, and this is how you repay me?”

“Get out or so god help me,” you scowl. “I will choke you out again.” 

“Again?” Sunghoon asks in surprise. 

“Yeah, Y/N choked Heeseung back in middle school,” Jay says as he scrolls through the illegal movie website for another movie to watch. “Ooo, Shape Of Water sounds cool!” 

“A mute girl falls in love with a fish, Jay,” Jake responds. “I didn’t know you were into bestiality.” He then holds Layla closer to him.

“Who’s Chaeyoung engaged to?” Heeseung asks you, picking up another donut with pink icing and white sprinkles. “I got an invite from her, but it clashed with Love Island.” 

“You are not changing the subject on me,” you snap. “And you can find out tomorrow. At school. Now get out of my apartment and stop eating my donuts. Why couldn’t you have gotten stoned with Jeongin? Or played guitar with Beomgyu or -- or visited Jungwon.” You shudder at the thought of the younger boy. 

Heeseung laughs. “You still find Jungwon scary?”

“For many reasons!” You defend. “He thinks he’s a cat, he bit me once, and he threatened to hunt me down and kill me if I ever managed to hurt Jay.” 

“Is that why we never hang out one-on-one?” Jay asks you, now looking up the emoji movie on the illegal website. 

“Yes.”

“Sounds like a you problem,” Sunghoon pipes up, helpful as ever. 

“Yeah,” Heeseung agrees with Sunghoon’s words. “It’s a skill issue. Maybe you need to level up --”

You whack Heeseung with the bright orange pillow Sunghoon picked out when you first moved into the apartment together. “I still don’t understand why all those girls fawn over you. Even now! You’re a fucking middle-school teacher yet girls still stick to your sides like leeches. What do they even see in you?! Do they know you used to pick your nose and wipe it on the nearest body to you, which always happened to be me? Do they know you scratched your balls and then ate all my McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets once?” 

“What does me scratching my balls and eating your chicken nuggets have to do with anything?”

“You didn’t even bother to wash your hands after getting a good scratch!” You exclaim loudly, whacking Heeseung with the pillow again. “Stop eating my fucking donuts!” 

Layla barks loudly and leaps off the couch, running for the bathroom. “She needs to pee,” Jake announces, standing up, “I should go help her. You know, potty training and all that.” 

You groan and hold your head in your hands. “Why did I decide to move in with Incel #1 Incel #2 and Incel #3?” 

“Hey! I am not an incel!” Sunghoon exclaims. “I get laid!” 

“Sure you do,” you respond, not believing a word Sunghoon just said. “Explain to me why Wonyoung said you chickened out last time things got steamy between you two?” 

“Incel means involuntarily celibate. Me choosing to not be intimate with Wonyoung doesn’t count as involuntary because it was a conscious decision.” 

“Umm actually…” Jay mimics in a high-pitched tone and pokes his index finger in the air. “You’ve been dating for like five years dude, there’s no time like the present.”

“Fine,” Sunghoon snaps. “I’ll go over there right now and do the dirty.” Sunghoon snatches up his phone from the coffee table and immediately calls Wonyoung as he walks over to his bedroom. “Wony, hey,” his voice suddenly adopts that adoring tone he uses whenever Wonyoung is around.

“Finally,” Jay mutters, “I’ve had to listen to him complain about his performance fears for years. The world doesn’t understand how hard it is for men -- oh my god I sound like Jake.” 

“....I’m gonna head out now. While I wish I could stay and watch whatever is currently happening, Yunjin just sent me an SNS text.” Heeseung says. 

You turn around to find that, somehow, Heeseung has eaten all twelve of your donuts, and at this point, you don’t even care. You’re too exhausted and confused and just concerned for the three boys you live with to even whine over Heeseung eating the only edible thing in this apartment. “SNS? What does that mean?”

“Sister Needs Sister.” 

“What?”

“SNS means Sister Needs Sister.”

“Sister Needs -- okay whatever I’m not gonna question whatever weird thing you have going on with Yunjin. Just get the fuck out of my apartment.” 

“Yes Ma’am,” Heeseung tips his imaginary cowboy hat at you and finally exits the apartment. Your shoulders slump and you throw yourself over the back of the couch, landing awkwardly on your neck as Jay cackles loudly at something on his phone. 

“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow,” you whine. “I haven’t even finished typing up Friday’s lesson.” 

Jay ignores you, still cackling at something on his phone. Jake shrieks his dog’s name loudly in the bathroom and something falls over in Sunghoon’s room.

++

It’s 6:30 AM when you enter your classroom. You have an hour until students begin to fill the school and while you always tell yourself that today will be the day you actually wake up early enough to get to school at 6:00 AM, it never happens and you’re left with an hour to get everything prepared for the lessons ahead.

Grumbling to yourself about having to let Layla into the bathroom to take a piss -- and then watch the dog miss the toilet bowl completely -- you ignore the box of donuts sitting on your desk. It’s only when you finish recalling how you had to literally drag Jake out of bed to clean up Layla’s mess do you realize there’s a box of twelve donuts on your desk. 

Frowning, you put down your coffee cup and examine the box. It’s from the same bakery your previous donuts were from. A small card sits on top of the box and you open it. 

Sorry

- Heeseung (:

Groaning, you chuck the small apology card aside and open up the box. Instantly, the aroma of freshly baked donuts fills the classroom and your mouth begins to water. You wonder how Heeseung was able to get the donuts freshly baked. The bakery doesn’t even open until seven. 

Pushing that thought aside, you grab a donut and get settled in your chair, beginning to finish the lesson prep you failed to complete last night. 

Thirty minutes quickly pass by. The only distraction you had was your phone buzzing. Sunghoon needed to pee and when he stepped into the bathroom, he found Jake lying, face down, fast asleep. Right next to Layla’s puddle of pee. Sunghoon, being the good friend he is, snapped a photo of Jake and sent it to the group chat before heading back to bed. He didn’t even bother to move Jake back to bed. 

“Enjoying the donuts?”

A voice draws you away from your laptop. Your rapid-fire typing stops and you glance over your shoulder, finding Heeseung standing at the entrance of your classroom. You gift Heeseung a small smile and lean back in your chair. “Thank you for the donuts, Heeseung.” 

“Do you accept my apology?” Heeseung asks as he walks over to your desk. 

“Of course,” you beam. “You know the way to my heart, Heeseung. Want one?” You offer the box to Heeseung but he waves you off. “By the way, how did you get these donuts freshly baked? The bakery doesn’t open until seven.” 

Heeseung winks. “A magician never reveals his secrets.” 

You roll your eyes. 

“Chaeyoung and Seungmin, huh? Who even is Seungmin? I don’t remember Chaeyoung ever dating a Seungmin?” Heeseung drums his fingers on your desk. 

You snort. “Seriously? You don’t remember Seungmin? He was in the year above you. Also in choir with you. Do you seriously not remember him? He thought he was a dog for the longest time so he often barked at people in the hallways.” 

Heeseung’s face lights up. “Oh! Him! I threw his lunch in the toilet one time. Fond memories.” 

“Why would you do that?!” 

Heeseung shrugs. “I was fourteen. We do weird things at fourteen.”

“Bullying is not a weird thing.”

“It was some kind of choir initiation,” Heeseung answers. “I don’t remember it. It’s been like. A decade.” 

“You’re getting old,” you muse, teasing Heeseung. 

“I could say the same about you,” Heeseung mutters, picking up a pen from your pen jar and chucking it at you. It hits your arm and clatters to the floor, loud in the empty classroom. 

“Once a bully, always a bully,” you retort. 

“Whatever.” 

“Don’t you have something better to do?” You ask Heeseung, “like, I don’t know, picking out what songs you’re going to sing in class today?”

“Unlike you, I have respectful friends who know not to bother me when I plan my lessons, so I already have picked out the three songs I plan on teaching the kids today.” 

“Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon are your friends too? I don’t see how that is an insult.” 

“To be fair, I was only able to complete my lesson plan for this week because Jeongin and Beomgyu were following some Zen Yoga YouTube video they found,” Heeseung admits, grimacing slightly. “Seeing both of them in yoga pants…..Never again.” 

“Did you finally realize you have a flat ass compared to theirs?”

Heeseung scowls and deliberately knocks over your mug of pens. “Don’t ever say I have a flat ass again. Jake’s the one with a flat ass.”

“He is not!” You defend your best friend with everything you have while cleaning up the mess Heeseung made. “You come into my classroom, make a mess, and insult my friend? You’re so lucky I don’t have super strength.” 

“You’re lucky I don’t have super super strength.” 

“Really?” You deadpan, glaring at Heeseung. “How childish. One of my students could come up with a better retort than that.” 

Heeseung rolls his eyes and grabs a donut from the box. Usually, you would whine and try to make him put it back, but today you let it slide since Heeseung was the one who bought the donuts for you. You turn back to your laptop to continue finishing up the last slide for today’s lesson as Heeseung chews on the chocolate-covered donut and flicks through the worksheets you printed out. 

“Don’t you have anything better to do?” You mumble. 

“No,” Heeseung responds, finishing off the last of the donut. “Mmm, those donuts are good.” He tries to help himself to another, but you slap his hand away. A scandalized gasp rings out through the room and Heeseung stares at you like you just called his mom a whore. 

“Get out of my classroom, Heeseung. I can only tolerate you for so long.” 

“Rude. I’ll remember this, Y/N,” Heeseung warns, backing out of your classroom as he wiggles his forefinger. “Heeseung Lee never forgets.” 

You snarl in response. 

++

Jake kicks the soccer ball back and forth with Riki. You sit on a bench nearby with Jay and Sunghoon, licking the triple stack of mint chocolate ice cream you coerced Sunghoon into buying for you. It took a lot of effort -- Sunghoon violently puked in the gutter the moment you asked, apparently his allergy to mint chocolate is very real -- but after unwillingly pulling out the cute poses you tucked away after you graduated high school, Sunghoon gave in. Much to Jay’s delight. 

Next to you, Sunghoon’s stomach rumbles loudly. “I’m gonna puke,” Sunghoon mumbles, ditching the remainder of his Tiramisu ice cream on the ground and running for the nearest bushing, retching loudly. Jake kicks the soccer ball at a dog. 

Jay cackles loudly at the misfortune of both his friends -- Sunghoon having an allergic reaction to mint chocolate, and Jake practically crying on his knees as he apologizes to the dog and the dog’s owner over and over. Riki just stands to the side recording Jake. “God, I love going to the park. Don’t you?”

You stare at Jay. “Are you a masochist? Do you feel joy in seeing other people’s misfortunes?” 

Jay tsks, shaking his head. “I’m a sadist, not a masochist. There’s a difference.”

“Well, school me on the difference, Jay.” 

“Masochist; I enjoy hurting or humiliating myself. Sadist; I enjoy hurting or humiliating other people.” 

“I’ll be sure to remember that,” you vow. 

Jay finishes off his cone and rubs his stomach. “Jay’s finished! Jay’s no longer hungry! Jay thinks we should head home now.” 

Sunghoon’s still retching. Jake’s still crying. Riki is now trying to muffle his laughter. You’re halfway through your triple scoop of mint chocolate. And Jay simply does not give a fuck. 

“Oh. Hey guys!” To make matters worse, Heeseung appears, dressed in jogging gear, and next to him is Jungwon. Oh God. Immediately, you start stuffing your face with the ice cream, trying to finish it all so you can high tail it out of this park. Jungwon Yang terrifies the shit out of you. Not only is he a professional Taekwondo athlete, but he’s also part cat. You vividly remember the time Jungwon attacked you -- hissing and claws out. You wake up screaming to that particular memory most nights. 

“Heeseung! What’s up bro?” Jay dabs up Heeseung. 

You give Heeseung a once over. He’s wearing leggings underneath his black shorts, a bright yellow tank top, and a red headband wrapped around his head, pushing back his hair. On his feet are -- god you have to blink a couple of times. Bright pink shoes. Bright pink shoes. They must be Jeongin’s. 

“Nothing much. Just out running with Jungwonie. He was feeling a bit energetic this evening.” 

You side eye Jungwon who has begun to do some stretches -- well, to you it looks like he’s getting ready to spring another attack on you. 

“Y/N,” Heeseung addresses you. “Finish eating all the doughnuts I gave you?”

(Heeseung bought you another box of doughnuts today. He must be feeling pretty sorry for eating your seventeen dollar box of doughnuts last week. It makes your heart burn. And in a good way — at least you think. Maybe you have heart burn?)

You smile politely, very aware of the ice cream all over your face and the brewing brain freeze. “Of course. I have to say, they were super lovely, Heeseung. I appreciated your kind gesture. Very kind. Super good and kind. I loved it. Lots! Hahahahahahaha --”

“You okay?” Heeseung interrupts, furrowing his brows. He reaches over and presses his palm against your forehead. You jolt away instantly, scowling. 

“I’m not sick!” 

“You’re acting weird.”

You side eye Jungwon again. This time he’s on his phone. He’s probably calling for back up. Most likely Sunoo. Oh God, you’re about to get attacked, and then kidnapped. This is not good. You need to get out of here. 

“Weird?? Hahaha why would I be acting weird….” You choke down the rest of your ice cream with more force this time. Heeseung and Jay watch on in befuddlement. 

“Slow down girl,” Jay says. “That ice cream isn’t going anywhere.” 

“Maybe she’s just practicing,” Jake says. It seems he’s gotten over the trauma of hitting a dog with his soccer ball. “For, you know…..” 

If you weren’t trying to force mint chocolate ice cream down your throat, you would’ve jumped Jake. 

“Hey, woah,” Heeseung grabs your wrist and halts you from eating. “Let’s clean you up a bit.” He pulls a box of wet wipes out of thin air and begins to wipe your face gently with them, discarding them in the nearby bin. 

For some reason, your heart begins to palpitate as you watch Heeseung, who has a soft look on his face, clean your face. One hand gently holds your chin, while the other wipes away the ice cream you had smeared all over your face. Heeseung may be a freak and get on your nerves constantly and make you consider murder, but there are times like these; times where he is so kind and gentle towards you, and it makes you rethink your entire life --

Right. Your life. 

So, you were born on a frosty December morning. You came out screaming so loud, a couple of nurses had to leave the room and you roused your passed out father. In the room next to you, Jay was born a couple of seconds later, which led to you and Jay growing up together. Side by side. Hand in hand. The sharing-the-sandbox-and-pushing-each-other-off-the-monkey-bars growing up. 

All your life you’ve been stuck to Jay’s side. And you hated it. 

Elementary school started and you made new friends. Who then became Jay’s friends as well. You pushed Jay off the monkey bars every break time because he had invaded your big squad of girls, and you would get put in time out for ten minutes because of it every time. Jay would buy you a popsicle after school as an apology for worming his way into your girl group. 

(Though, Jake should be mentioned here; he was an honorary member of your girl club because he was pretty good at braiding hair. This is when you, Jake, and Jay became a tight knit group of friends, much to your displeasure. Did everything in your life have to revolve around Jay?)

Middle school came and with a renewed vigor, you made new friends. And so did Jay. And it turned out his friends were also your friends. Because, somehow, you befriended Yizhuo, and Lily, and so did Jay. But there was one person you and Jay did not share in common; Heeseung Lee.

Heeseung was in the grade above you. He was kind, smart, and very attractive. You had both gone to the same elementary school and he instantly took Jay under his wing, but you made sure to stay far away. Boys who weren’t Jay and Jake had cooties. You didn’t really talk to Heeseung until middle school when Jay thought it would be best to add Heeseung to your friend group. 

Instantly, Heeseung ticked you off and thus, began your long winded friendship of fighting and bickering every chance you got. It was just so easy to piss Heeseung off, and it was clear Heeseung took amusement in annoying you. At first, everyone told you it was because Heeseung liked you and wanted your attention -- but then came your freshman year, Heeseung’s sophomore year. 

High school was a whole new environment, and a new friend was added to your friend group; Sunghoon. But more on that later. High school meant maturity, sex, and nostalgia for your childhood -- more on the sex part later. 

With confidence filling your veins, you asked Heeseung out on a date. He promptly rejected you. That night, with Yizhuo and Lily, you called upon some demons and made them swear to curse Heeseung for the rest of his damned life.

Apparently, those demons suck fucking ass. 

While you spent most of your time bickering with the boys around you, there were the times when they were gentle with you -- Heeseung especially. Somewhere, buried deep down, Heeseung actually cares about you. You’ve seen the way he looks at you. You’ve seen the way he handles you when you’re crying or emotional in any way and you can’t help but let your heart flutter, even after swearing to move on from Heeseung ever since he rejected you. 

You don’t like admitting this but. Well. You’ve been in love with Heeseung since you were twelve. 

God. How pathetic. 

So -- there Heeseung was, gently wiping your face. “Messy girl,” Heeseung scolds gently. “Seriously. When did you become like Riki?” With a last swipe over your lips, Heeseung backs away. “There. Now, you look easy on the eyes.” 

Knuckles crack. You glance over at Jungwon. He’s cracking the bones in his neck. Oh God. You thrust the remainder of your ice cream at Jay and book it out of the park. You weren’t planning on staying any longer. ‘Local girl kidnapped by self-proclaimed Cat Boy’ is not a headline you want to be featured in. 

Sayonara bitches!

+

jake’s intervention: stop kissing everything

you: mom is making me come home for christmas

you: decided tn is my last night alive

you: anyone wanna watch me jump??????

jay smells: Can’t watch! I’m Jungwon-sitting

gaymansaywhat: Gay

gaymansaywhat: Woah who said that?????????????????

you: im so happy you came out of the closet sunghoon 😭😭😭😭

gaymansaywhat: Not funny. Didn’t laugh.

gaymansaywhat: I literally have a girlfriend. 

you: Ok…….moving on.

jake (DNR): what time are u planning to jump?

you: in ten minutes

jake (DNR): i’ll be there!

jake (DNR): physics is making me rethink my smoking sobriety oath

jay smells: girl. 

jay smells: BTW i’m also going back for christmas, and the invitation is extended to everyone!

nishimura: I’LL BE THERE

you: at my suicide or at christmas?

nishimura: wat do u think freak.

you: kys. food over free entertainment? i see what kind of boy you are, riki nishimura

heeseung: i think i’m a part of the family emailing list

heeseung: i even got assigned to bring a plate of dessert

jay smells: of course you did.

jay smells: i got assigned to bring meat and they’ll probably expect it to be like slow cooked lamb or something

Jungwon Yang: I’ll be there.

Jungwon Yang: At Christmas. Not suicide. 

Jungwon Yang: 👋

you: how can someone be horrifying over text?

barbienoo: i’ll def be there at christmas (:

barbienoo: can’t make the suicide, sry

you: i’m calling it off

you: it’s so pathetic how i only have jake as my audience

you: if anything that’s only making me MORE suicidal

heeseung: need some company, y/n?

heeseung: jeongin and beomgyu dumped me

you: poor baby heeseung

you: be a man about it and kill yourself.

gaymansaywhat: Anyone else feeling like a third wheel rn?

++

For once, the school day passes by relatively boring. No children crying, no friendship drama, and no boys tugging on ponytails. Humming to yourself, you tidy up your classroom while thinking of what to have for dinner tonight. Jake and Sunghoon were out bar hopping with Felix -- which basically meant they’ll be touring all the gay bars in the city. 

“Hey.”

Glancing up, you see Heeseung resting in the doorway of your classroom, his brown satchel Jay gifted him for his eighteenth birthday hanging off his shoulder. He was wearing a blue plaid button-up, black trousers, and those fancy leather brown shoes Jay buys by the hundreds. Seriously. Half of Jay’s room is full of shoe boxes. 

“Hey,” you respond, dumping the handful of trash you were holding into the nearby rubbish bin. 

“Hungry?” 

“I could eat three horses.”

Heeseung grins. “Perfect. I have a reservation at that new Italian restaurant in ten minutes. Meet you there?”

You narrow your eyes. “Is this a date?”

“Do you want it to be a date?”

“Well, you are fresh out of a break up. I know you, Beomgyu, and Jeongin were involved for a while --”

“--I hope you know we were joking about that polyamory shit --”

“-- It wasn’t a joke. It’s okay. We love the gay community in this classroom --”

“--Don’t tell me that you’re in love with me, Y/N --”

The conversation full of interruptions dies there. Can Heeseung tell? Just by the way you’re standing? Or the way you’re talking? That you’re in love with him? Shit. You need to do something to throw off suspicion. You can’t have Heeseung thinking you’re in love with him. That’ll lead to your demise. 

(“Okay, here’s my ‘How-to-stop-loving-Heeseung-Lee’ guide,” Lily Morrow announces, sitting on her bright pink couch in her bright yellow apartment. Yizhuo was sitting next to Lily, squinting at the Colleen Hoover book she was reading -- unfortunately, Yizhuo had fallen victim to Booktok’s Colleen Hoover propaganda. She’ll have to learn the hard way.

Wonyoung was also here. She was eating hot cheetos and daintily dusting off her fingers with a cute handkerchief your pretty sure you helped Sunghoon buy.

It was Girl’s Night. Well. An attempt at Girls night because only four of you were here. Minjeong had other business to attend to  -- Beomgyu and Jeongin apparently took higher priority over Girls Night. Chaewon actually had work. Like. Real life work. A full time corporate job kind of work, which was unfortunate, and Yunjin was attending to an SNS text Heeseung had sent her. Speak of the devil.

Fiddling with the ends of the throw pillow Lily’s roommate, Jinsoul, bought, you lean towards Lily with eager ears. “Tell me, Mrs. Morrow. Tell me how to stop my twelve-year pining.” 

Lily clears her throat. “First step is admitting, to Heeseung’s face, that you do not love him. Admittance in the face of adversity is always a good start.” 

You nod, eyes gleaming. “Okay. Admit I do not love Heeseung to his face. Good start. What’s the next step?”

Lily makes a face. It looks like she just got a toothache. “Um. That’s all I have.” 

There’s a long pause. 

Yizhuo gasps. “What a shit book!” And then she throws it across the room, narrowly missing the cat-shaped lamp Lily’s roommate -- Jinsoul, once again -- bought. “What are you two talking about?”

“What the fuck, Lily? Why did you call a Girl’s Night then? We were supposed to figure out how to stop my pining!” You cry, shoving your face against the ugly throw pillow. 

“I was….interrupted.”

“What was more important than coming up with a comprehensive guide to getting over Heeseung Lee?”

“Um. Jake called me. Said he had lady problems.” 

“He -- what? Jake has lady problems? He’s -- he can’t even get his dick up?!” 

Yizhuo snorts. “He can’t get his dick up?”

“He asked me if female dogs also go through puberty because Layla wasn’t listening to him.” 

“I’m gonna kill that fucking dog.” You swear.)

You laugh. “In love with you? That’s the funniest thing you’ve ever said, Heeseung Lee. I am not in love with you!” Phew. Good save. 

“Hmm, okay!” Heeseung shrugs. “Let’s go eat.” 

It’s a short drive over to the new Italian restaurant. You and Heeseung park next to each other and enter the restaurant in silence. It’s packed and conversation is spilling out into the night. Everything about this restaurant speaks romance, and it’s hard to not notice all the dates happening around you as you’re seated smack in the middle of the restaurant. 

Since you were driving, you decided to get some Fanta. 

“You still like Fanta?” Heeseung asks, wrinkling his nose. 

“Hater,” you scowl. “Fanta is good.”

“Sure. If you were raised in a dumpster and had to fight your way out.” 

You pick up the knife in front of you, watching it glint in the moody restaurant lighting. “Don’t test me, Heeseung. I was a waitress in high school.” 

“Is that supposed to scare me? Are you going to “are you ready to order” me to death?” 

“Watch that mouth, Heeseung Lee.” 

Heeseung grins and focuses back on the menu in front of him. “You do know Jeongin and Beomgyu and I weren’t actually dating?”

You smile, rolling your eyes. “Of course I know. But to anyone else? Well.”  The spaghetti bolognese sounds good, but their ravioli sounds even better -- oh wow their gnocchi. This is going to be a tough decision to make. Glancing up at Heeseung, you can’t remember the last time you two ever hung out like this. In fact, you can’t ever remember the last time the two of you were this polite with each other. 

“So, why’d you ask me to join you tonight? Do you still feel bad for eating all my doughnuts?” You set the menu down, deciding on the ravioli. 

“Nah,” Heeseung shakes his head. “Jeongin, Beomgyu, Yunjin, Minjeong, and I had this slideshow night a couple of nights back. Jeongin’s slideshow was a lecture on how we should all be mature by now -- I mean, no twenty-five-year-old should still be arguing like a twelve-year-old with their friend.” Heeseung glances up at you, an oddly warm look in his eyes. “It kinda got me thinking.” 

“Oh,” you fail to come up with a response. 

Your waiter comes back and you order your food. 

“I guess it’s time we mature,” you agree with Heeseung. You feel as though your world has been turned upside down. Being mature with Heeseung? That sounds immature. “Does this mean we have to say good morning and good evening to each other, and ask how each other is doing whenever we see each other?”

Heeseung snorts, siping his orange juice. (He’s one to talk about ordering Fanta. Only freaky losers order orange juice. Orange juice drinkers are the worst types of humans. Trust.) “Not that adult-like mature, Y/N. It’s like we didn’t grow up together.” 

“Well, if you wanna get technical --”

“Jay talked about you all the time in elementary school. I felt like I knew you before I actually knew you. I also thought you and Jay would get married, but apparently Jay has a type for women and men who don’t want him. Case and point; Yuna and Jungwon.” 

You giggle, thinking back to Jay’s whirlwind romance with Yuna -- that was all in his head. Jungwon…well that’s a work in progress according to Jay. You’re pretty sure Jungwon has a thing with Rei, which is probably why Riki is a bit antagonistic towards him because Riki has a thing for Rei. 

“Jake told me he was out with Felix tonight.”

You nod your head. “Jake and Sunghoon are going bar hopping with him. I wonder how long it’ll take for them to realize they’re actually going to every gay bar in the city.” 

“It’ll take a while for Sunghoon to figure out. He’s used to getting hit on by everyone and everything.” 

You raise your glass of Fanta. “Let’s cheers to that.” 

Your food arrives. It was just as yummy as you imagined, and the night floats away as you and Heeseung talk about everything under the sun. It felt weird, but nice, not arguing with Heeseung over stupid petty things like siblings would. You think you could get used to this. 

You order a brownie for dessert, and of course after saying he was too full for dessert, the gooey chocolate brownie is too tempting for Heeseung. 

“No!” You exclaim, whacking Heeseung’s hand away. “You do not get to eat this brownie. I’m paying for it, so I’m eating it. Don’t even think about touching it. I don't want your ugly music teacher hands getting all over it.” 

“You hate me,” scowls Heeseung. “And what did music teachers ever do to you?”

“Exist,” you snarl. 

Heeseung eyes you, and then breaks out into a grin, leaning back in his chair and stretching. “Ahh, I know what this is. This is reverse psychology flirting.” 

You give Heeseung a look, and then reach out to touch his forehead. “Are you sick, Heeseung, what are you even saying?”

Heeseung bats your hand away and opens his mouth. “Ahhh?” 

“Ahh,” you mock back and shove the entire brownie into your mouth. 

“Why do you eat food like it’s going to disappear in .5 seconds. What happened to savoring the flavor?” 

“So. Since when were you on my family’s email list for Christmas dinner?” You address the elephant in the room -- well, the elephant in the room for you. You’re pretty sure Heeseung isn’t aware that that’s all you’ve been thinking about for the past 48 hours. 

Heeseung shrugs, finishing off the last of his eighth glass of orange juice. “It just happened. I think it’s also your mom trying to get me married into the family.” 

“Is this the part where I’m supposed to get down on one knee?”

“I wouldn’t get married to you.” 

“How else will you marry into the family? I’m an only child.”

“There’s always Jay.” 

“He’s my mother’s non-biological son.” 

“She still thinks of him as a son.” 

“Fine. Be gay. See if I care.” 

Heeseung has a smug grin on his face. “I think you do care, Y/N. You care greatly about the fact that I would choose Jay over you.” 

“Everyone chooses Jay over me. Even my own mother,” you grumble. 

++

“How’s the Heeseung project coming along?” Yizhuo asks as she’s painting your nails over the dining table. Jay was busy in the kitchen, airpods in, and cutting up some vegetables for the curry he was making. Jake was busy crying over some physics shit and taking breaks to stare at the pack of Malboros he bought yesterday, and Sunghoon was giggling like a teenage girl as he texts Wonyoung. 

Freak. 

“Well, I told him I didn’t love him to his face like Lily advised,” you say. 

Yizhuo nods her head.

“And that’s all I’ve done so far.” 

Yizhuo gives you a disappointed look. 

“Don’t look at me like that!” You whine. “It’s just. Hard. Okay? Super duper hard because everything about him attracts me. Even his fucking adam’s apple.” 

“Why are we talking about Adam's apple?” Jake asks, walking into the kitchen, tears streaming down his face and his fingers twitching. 

You both ignore Jake who then immediately breaks down as soon as he opens the refrigerator. Sometimes you regret moving in with Jake. He’s prone to breakdowns. 

“Keep this up and you’re gonna die alone. And a virgin.” Yizhuo hisses.

“Actually, I’m not a virgin. Remember?” 

“Why’d you have to remind me,” groans Yizhuo. 

So -- the sex thing. 

You + Jake + alcohol = Sex. 

End of story. 

Yunjin suddenly bursts into the kitchen, Sunghoon following close behind. She leans over, her hands resting on her knees and she gasps for breath. Everyone stops what they’re doing and stares at her. It takes a while for Yunjin to regain her composure -- it’s probably all the hotboxing she does with Beomgyu, Jeongin, and their pickle rick bong. 

“Heeseung -- Heeseung’s on a date.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is where Act Two begins.

++

Act II: A love that nobody could destroy

[SCENE: CHRISTMAS PARTY, 9 PM]

It’s Christmas. It’s the season of cheer. It’s the season of snow, snowmen, and eggnog. It’s the season of giving. It’s the season of kissing each other under the mistletoe and having hot Christmas sex while Jingle Bells plays.

You sit on the couch, eyes following Heeseung around the house like a hawk. So, Heeseung has been going out on dates with a girl named Ryujin. Interesting. You’ve never heard of the name Ryujin before, and your mother knows everyone in the godforsaken city. Next to you, Jeongin shifts uncomfortably.

“Remind me why we’re sitting together?”

“You’re a Heeseung magnet,” you tell him. 

“I am?” 

You look at Jeongin. “Yes.” And then you look back at Heeseung. 

Christmas; season of cheer and giving, but for you? It’s the season of green-eyed monsters named jealousy. You wonder, what does this Ryujin girl have that you don’t? What was so special about her that made Heeseung decide to go on dates with her instead of you? Was your hang out at that really nice Italian restaurant really that bad? You shiver at the thought. 

Jeongin, ever the Heeseung magnet, manages to attract Heeseung over to the couch you were both sitting on. Sitting up straighter, Heeseung takes a seat beside you, his knee brushing yours. You almost drop your eggnog. 

“Hey,” Heeseung greets, grabbing a pillow and holding it against his chest. “Pretty fun party, isn’t it? Your mom always throws the best parties, Y/N.” Heeseung beams at you. Teeth and all. You swoon a bit. 

“Yeah, well, she’s putting on her best since you’re here.” Is this flirting? Are you flirting? Beside you, Jeongin snorts into his cup of lemonade. 

Heeseung rolls his eyes. “So, how many cards did you get before Christmas break? I got about fifty. Lots of chocolate too.” 

“I’m not sharing that private information with you.” 

“Ahh, you only got three.” 

“Did not! My students love me!” You defend. 

“Hmm. Sure.” 

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Heeseung smiles like he knows the answer to every question ever. “Oh, you know. I’ve heard some things about you…..”

You practically pin Heeseung to the back of the couch, your eggnog thrust into Jeongin’s unwilling hand. “Tell. Me. Now.” You demand, through gritted teeth. “Or I will castrate you.” 

“Last time you threatened castration nothing happened.” 

“This time it will happen. I know a guy who knows a vet.” 

Heeseung raises an eyebrow. “Do tell, Y/N.” 

“First, you spill your secrets and I spill mine.” 

Unfortunately, Sunghoon interrupts your interrogation. “As much as we’re all enjoying the view,” Sunghoon says, sounding deeply amused, “your services are required, darling Y/N.” 

If you were Medusa, Sunghoon would be stone. “What.” Venom practically spits from your mouth. Who dared to interrupt your interrogation? Oh. Of course it was Jay and Jake. They stand in a shadowed corner, beckoning you over with not-so subtle hand gestures. 

Reluctantly, you let go of Heeseung, pat down your dress, and approach the two boys, Sunghoon hot on your heels. 

“How important is this?” You hiss. “I almost had Heeseung’s confession.” 

“Confession?!” Exclaims Jake. “He was gonna admit his love to you?”

Freeze frame -- a little backstory;

After Yunjin all but burst into your kitchen with that sudden proclamation of Heeseung on a date, Jay promptly asked you what you were going to do about that, which led to you freaking out and wondering how the hell Jay knew you were in love with Heeseung.

“I knew it from the moment I introduced you to him,” Jay said, sounding proud of himself. You, on the other hand, can’t help but feel suspicious. Since when was Jay so observant of you? In fact, when has Jay ever been that observant? Or had those kinds of feelings -- the psychic weirdo feelings? Jay’s a pretty straight forward facts kinda guy. Suspicion fills up your stomach, but you push it aside. 

“Yeah, Y/N. You should go confess to Heeseung. It’s getting tiring,” Jake had followed up with after Jay’s explanation. It seemed his tears had dried up. After another shouting match of you asking Jake how he knew, you found out Jake only found out last year because Jay had told him. Once again, you were suspicious because since when did Jay willingly tell Jake all the secrets he knew? If there was one thing Jay was good at, it was goading Jake. He loved to tease and annoy the shit out of Jake, and he loved holding things over the Australian’s head. 

Sunghoon’s reaction on the other hand, wasn’t surprising at all; “You love Heeseung?” An alien could be having sex with another alien in front of Sunghoon, and he wouldn’t even notice. 

So, you found out two of your roommates knew of your love for Heeseung, and Sunghoon had just found out, so immediately a plan was put into action. Jay, Jake, and Sunghoon took this seriously, deciding they were gonna play Spies. Overdramatic freaks.

That’s why Jake, Jay, Sunghoon, and you were conversing in a dark corner in the living room. Apparently, that’s something spies do. “We have intel on this Ryujin Shin,” Jake says, in a low tone, eyes scouring the room for any eavesdroppers. You have to stifle a laugh. 

“Pray tell, Agent Layla.” 

(Agent Layla = Jake

Agent Mariners = Jay

Agent Ice Prince = Sunghoon.)

(Pretty stupid names if anybody were to ask you.)

“She’s a lesbian.” 

Silence fills the dark living room corner. 

“And you’ve confirmed it?”

Jay whips out his phone and shows you photos of Ryujin Shin. HD 4K photos. 

“We literally caught her in 4K.”

“You stalked her?”

“Well --”

“You guys are taking this spy agent shit too seriously.” 

“We’re bored, Y/N!” Sunghoon whines. “Bored, horny adult men.” 

“You could’ve left the horny part out,” Jake mumbles. 

“Okay, So, she’s a lesbian,” you say, confirming it yourself as you swipe through photos of this Ryujin Shin girl kissing another girl. “Does Heeseung look like a girl?” 

Once again, silence falls over the dark living room corner. All four of you turned to look at Heeseung who was engaged in what seemed like a deep conversation with Jeongin. Lord knows what they were talking about. Probably the drama in Jeongin and Beomgyu’s pilates class. 

“No. He’s not.” Jay confirms.

“But if your tilt your head slightly….” Sunghoon says, with a tilted head. Jake whacks him and Sunghoon straightens up. “Nope. Heeseung is very much a guy. Jake can confirm because he’s seen his dick before -- right?”

Jake nods his head. “It was a pretty solid dick.” 

“So, Heeseung is a guy, Ryujin goes around kissing girls, why the hell would they go out on dates with each other?” You ask the question of the hour. 

No one says anything for a moment.

“Maybe it’s an experiment,” Jake pipes up. “Maybe Heeseung is trying to turn Ryujin to the dark side.” 

“Dark side?” You ask.

“Straight.” 

“The dark side is being straight?”

Jake nods his head. “We hate heteros here.” 

“Down with the heterosexuals!” Sunghoon exclaims. 

“Okay, I’m finished with this conversation. I’m walking away. And over to Heeseung.” You shake your head. You feel your brain cells exploding. 

“Wait! Y/N! What was the second step in Lily’s comprehensive guide to getting over Heeseung Lee?” Jay asks frantically. 

“There was no second step,” you say. “So I’m left to figure out the second step all by myself. I mean, I should probably go on a date with someone, right?” 

“I can set you up,” Sunghoon says.

“No.” You shoot him down immediately. 

++

Your date was a guy named Mark. You’re spending your date in front of a claw machine, watching Mark blow all his money on attempting to get this one monkey plushie you had pointed out. “It’s fine, Mark, really. I don’t need it.” But, like all men, he ignored you and shoved another one dollar note into the claw machine. Groaning, you turn around, not bothering to watch another failed attempt.

The arcade was alive with people at 8 PM. Huh, who knew. 

At first, Mark seemed like a cool dude. And then he howled at the moon fifteen seconds after you started up a conversation about Twilight with him. He told you he was team Jacob and that made you incredibly wary of him. Why would anyone be team Jacob? 

There were a million other games you would love to play -- like the motorbike one across from you. You totally ruled at motorbike arcade games. Or there was this zombie apocalypse game you passed by as Mark led you over to the basketball game -- and then you pointed out the monkey plushie and Mark forgot all about his bragging about how he’s the best basketballer since Lebron. 

Your mind trails to Heeseung. Typical. If it were Heeseung you were on a date with, you wouldn’t be standing here with a deep longing to play the motorbike game because you would be playing the motorbike game. Heeseung would be on the bike next to you making stupid remarks and you would be beside yourself in laughter. 

The thing is; you’re what someone would call ‘emotionally repressed.’ You hate thinking, talking and feeling your feelings. Especially when it comes to romantic attraction toward your long-time friend. Ever since Heeseung rejected you back in freshman year, you’ve become accustomed to pushing your feelings away and burying them in the deep dark depths of your mind. They rarely come out to play -- and when they do, you’re ready and waiting to whack them back into hiding. 

With a huff, you decide that this isn’t the date you want. You don’t want to be stuck to Mark Lee’s side for the night, so with tense shoulders you turn around to -- Mark Lee holding out the monkey plushie you pointed out, a broad grin on his face. “I’m a pro,” he says, fifty dollars poorer. “Now, it’s time for me to get my Lebron on,” and he leads you over to the basketball game. 

Okay. Maybe Mark wasn’t that bad. He just….has some flaws. Fatal flaws. (Like seriously. Who howls at the fucking moon??)

“Noooo wayyy!” Mark exclaims, pulling up to the arcade game and tapping the shoulder of a hooded shoulder. As soon as you see the face of the hooded figure, you melt into the ground, never to be seen again. Heeseung Lee. What the fuck was he doing here? This was not the second step to Lily Morrow’s comprehensive guide to getting over Heeseung Lee. He wasn’t supposed to intrude on your date!

“Yo, Mark!” Heeseung daps him up, and then he sees you. Disgustingly, his face lights up. It’s like, ever since the Doughnut Incident, he’s decided to call you a friend, which isn’t exactly a good thing but also; you’re sick of being stuck in the friendzone. Like, c’mon!!!!!!!!!!! It’s been ten years since he rejected you, surely some feelings have developed in those ten years. 

Well. There was the whole Jake Year. You don’t really want to delve into that -- too much uncharted territory and angst for you. 

“Y/N!” Heeseung exclaims, wrapping you in a hug. If only Jake, Jay, and Sunghoon were here to see this. Wonyoung would also probably be there, since Sunghoon was. Ever since Christmas, you never see Wonyoung or Sunghoon without each other. Jay reckons they’ve gotten engaged. Jake’s too busy crying over Layla biting him to care. 

“Hey,” you greet. 

“You sound enthusiastic.”

“You know me, always enthused to see you.” 

Ryujin Shin pops out of nowhere, because of course she does. 

“Let’s be honest,” you blurt out, and then immediately regret it when Ryujin gives you a weird look. You need to stop hanging around Riki. And Jeongin. Don’t even start on Jeongin Yang. 

Heeseung also gives you a weird look. “Let’s be honest, I need to poop,” you try to recover from that fuck up, but you think you only make it worse. “I think I’m about to blow, can we reschedule this date, Mark? I need to get to the nearest toilet before I explode.” You need to shut the fuck up. But you’re stressed and when you’re stressed, your mouth runs like a motor unable to stop. Jay says it’s your worst feature, Sunghoon says it’s your most defining feature. You told Sunghoon his most defining feature was the bruise he was about to get from your punch to the face. 

“Are you sick?” Heeseung asks. Because apparently you constantly get sick around him. 

“I’m fine.” (Why does your voice crack?) Suddenly, the arcade becomes overwhelming. You have to get out. So, with a hurried goodbye to Mark, you exit the arcade, gripping the monkey plushie tightly and trying to push the boiling pot of emotions further down -- but it doesn’t work, like it normally does, and your chest becomes tight. 

You make it halfway down the street before you start crying. Why are you crying? Why?? What brought this on? Maybe it’s the fact Heeseung’s dating other people -- lesbians, to be exact. Maybe it’s the fact you tried to move on. Maybe it’s the fact Heeseung is always there, wherever you go. 

Okay, so you know you haven’t gone into much detail about how much you truly love Heeseung, so here’s the truth; you love him. Really love him, that sometimes, it’s hard to breathe. You love Heeseung, that just the thought of him keeps you awake on random nights. When you were thirteen, you planned out your life with Heeseung in your diary. When you were fourteen, after Heeseung rejected you, you cried so hard you threw up and took three days off of school. When you were fifteen and trying to move on from Heeseung, you couldn’t. 

When you were seventeen, you played a game of seven minutes in heaven and you wished badly to get Heeseung. You thought that maybe, if he kissed you, he would take back his rejection from freshman year. Instead, the bottle landed on Jake and --

You’ve loved Heeseung for twelve years. 

Every time you think about the future, Heeseung is always there. Even now, when you’re trying to move on. Even now, when you were waiting for Mark to get the monkey plushie. Even now, as you’re crying, you’re wondering why it’s so hard to make Heeseung love you. 

Maybe the whole Doughnut Incident was just the catalyst for this; your ultimate demise. Maybe, that Doughnut Incident, and everything that occurred after, is just the universe giving you a sign it’s time to give up. You’ve wasted twelve years of your life. Give Up. 

“Y/N?” 

Heeseung’s here. Heeseung -- Heeseung followed you?

You glance up, and Heeseung frowns, coming to stand in front of you to brush away your tears.

Maybe you were too in your head -- too blinded by fighting down your emotions that you didn’t realize how Heeseung truly treated you. Sure, you both argued over menial things, and called each other names just for the hell of it, but this was the true friendship of you and Heeseung -- forged over late night talks, and sneaking into Jay’s massive kitchen to eat all his pop tarts and drink his Coke. 

Heeseung takes care of you. He was always there for you in high school when you spent hours in the school, and local library. He was there for you in college, when you were a pathetic mess and spent most of your freshman and sophomore years crying every day. And God. He was there for you during your Jake Years -- even when he shouldn’t’ve been. 

This whole time, you’ve been deluding yourself into believing Heeseung never cared, when it’s so obvious now. He’s cradling your face, with concerned eyes. “Y/N, what’s wrong?” His voice is soft. So so soft. You’re utterly beguiled. You’re overwhelmed. You’re in a daze.

You respond by kissing Heeseung. 

++

The Jake Years. 

1. When did Jake and Y/N first hook up

Freshman year of college

Senior year of high school

Junior year of high school

2. When did Jake and Y/N begin regularly hooking up?

Freshman year of college. October 31st.

Sophomore year of college. November 15th.

Senior year of high school, December 31st.

3. How long did this relationship last?

Five months

Two years

One year

One year, nine months

4. Why did Jake and Y/N begin hooking up?

Because Y/N needed to get over Heeseung

Because Jake had a crush on Y/N

5. What were the consequences for hooking up with each other?

The answer is too long to be multi choice

The friend group falling apart, Heeseung fading away, Jake and Y/N resenting each other for a year after the relationship ended, Heeseung dating a girl called Giselle. 

Y/N didn’t realize it at the time, but Heeseung loved her. He was in love with her. His heart was dedicated to her. He would’ve confessed, if it weren’t for him walking in on Jake and Y/N making out in a bathroom. Heeseung tried to keep his distance from Y/N, and Jake, but he loved her. So, he stayed and tried to repair his broken heart in the process.

Jake and Y/N blaming each other for all their problems. 

All of the above. And more. 

Examiner’s notes: I know this looks like a lot. And it is. And there’s more. There’s always more to the story, and if Y/N hadn't been so blind, then she would’ve seen Heeseung’s love and affection for her. Heeseung got to college, and realized he missed Y/N more than any of his other friends. He missed her, and missing her made him love her. He worshipped Y/N, and was willing to do anything for her and that made it hard to walk away from their friendship when she started hooking up with Jake, so Heeseung stayed. He fucking stayed. He stayed, and let Y/N shatter his heart whole. If Y/N had only opened her fucking eyes, looked outside of her mind, she could’ve seen what she had been wishing for for most of her life. Good exam. You seemed to have studied this topic well -- you have the best marks in this class! I hope to see you taking this course at a collegiate level. 

++

“Not a fucking intervention,” you groan, opening the door to see Beomgyu and Jeongin in yoga pants and matching cheetah-print tank-tops. Did cheetah-print tank-tops even exist? You wonder where Beomgyu and Jeongin found them, Lily and her roommate, Jinsoul, would totally love them. “I don’t need an intervention. I’m fine. Please, I hate pilates.” 

Jeongin grabs your arm and yanks you out the door. “Nope. You’re coming to our pilates class.” 

“I’ll scream.”

“Try us,” Beomgyu smiles. It’s not a nice smile. You hate it when Beomgyu smiles with his teeth. 

Jeongin and Beomgyu’s pilate’s class was infamous for many things -- their teacher, Joshua Hong, was a little bit on the…..gay side. And everyone who went to pilates with Beomgyu and Jeongin, came back a changed person -- Jake can attest to that. He was free of his Christian guilt and immediately lit up five bongs, got stoned, ran through the streets naked, and entered a Catholic church. Talk about extreme. 

“Fine. I’ll jump out your van and kill myself.” 

“It’ll be our pleasure to witness that great feat,” Jeongin responds, rapidly pushing the down button on the elevator before giving up and heading for the stairs. 

“What the fuck why are we taking the stairs? We live on the fifteenth floor. I’m not walking down fifteen flights of stairs. Look! The elevator is starting to climb floors --”

“Shut up and start climbing, Y/N,” Beomgyu says, holding the door open. “You need this.” 

“Did you just call me fat?” 

“Maybe. Move your fat ass.” 

“Rude as hell.” 

“You wanna know what’s rude?” Jeongin asks, and instantly, you know what’s about to be said.

“Nope. Don’t say anything. I don’t wanna know --”

“Kissing our best friend and then running away.” 

Yeah. That happened. Call it a moment of panic. 

You groan loudly, the sound reverberating through the stairwell. “I’ll admit, not my finest moment.” 

“Actually, hooking up with Jake while Heeseung was in love with you was not your finest moment,” Jeongin corrects, holding up his forefinger. Behind you, Beomgyu disguises his laughter as a cough. 

You already knew Heeseung was in love with you while you and Jake were hooking up because of Sunoo. He was severely inebriated and decided to spill dark, juicy secrets to you. But, like everything else related to Heeseung, you pushed it away and pulled on your blind glasses, letting your unreliable train of thoughts control the narrative of your life. 

Pulling up to a pilates class in jeans was the worst mistake of your life, but Beomgyu and Jeongin didn’t seem to care as they placed their mats down at the very front of the room, and right next to….Jungwon, Sunoo, and Riki. God. You were literally in hell. 

Jungwon hisses at you, Riki smirks, and Sunoo holds in his laugh. Clearly, the news of you kissing Heeseung had spread fast. 

“I hope all women die,” Jungwon claims in a rather dramatic fashion.

“Don’t say that. They’ll call you misogynistic,” Sunoo says, patting Jungwon on the head. 

“Well. That is something a misogynist would say,” Riki points out. 

“I can’t believe you broke Heeseung’s heart a second time,” a voice behind you says. 

“Who the fuck are you?” You ask, whirling around.

“Chan!” 

“Someone with the name Chan probably stinks,” Beomgyu says. 

“That’s rude,” Chan comments. 

“Your feet stink,” the person behind Chan says. 

Chan leaves the pilates class.

“So,” Jeongin says, beginning to stretch. “What happened?”

You stand there, arms folded, mat still folded, and in jeans. “Not telling.” 

Jungwon hisses again. Sunoo has to manhandle the younger boy away from you. 

“Why not?” Beomgyu asks, pulling out a cruiser from his bag. He takes a sip like it’s water. To be honest, you’re not surprised. You’ve seen their fridge before. You’ve never wanted to unsee something so badly. 

“Because it’s stupid,” you feel ashamed to admit this but whatever. You pick at your jeans. 

“What’s stupid?” Jeongin probes, now doing a handstand -- what the fuck?

“Just -- everything!” 

Upon your sudden proclamation, the pilates instructor, Joshua Hong walks in. Saved by the teacher, you let out a sigh of relief. Jeongin and Beomgyu would have to give up their interrogation for now and you’ll get time to think over pretty solid excuses to their questions. 

Or so you thought.

“Gayshua -- sorry, Joshua!” Beomgyu calls out, “we have another one!” And he points to you. This Joshua Hong fellow grins so brightly you literally have to squint. Talk about veneers. 

“Dope. Come on up here,” Joshua gestures to the podium that is usually used by instructors. 

“What?” You’re confused. 

“Intervention time!” Sunoo cheers, clapping. Soon, the whole studio is clapping and Beomgyu leads you up to the podium. You feel totally befuddled. What the fuck. You were supposed to air out your deepest darkest secret to a room full of strangers?

“Alright, this is Y/N,” Beomgyu introduced you. “She’s in love with our best friend, Heeseung Lee. You all know Heeseung, right?”

Everyone nods their head, and a voice rings out, “yeah! He’s pretty dope.” The voice belonged to Mark Lee. Of-fucking-course. Somehow, this all gets more embarrassing. 

“And he’s in love with her too and she broke his heart --”

“He used to be in love with me,” you correct Beomgyu. “He doesn’t love me anymore.”

Beomgyu laughs so loudly you cower away. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” 

“What…..what was funny about that?” Your ears are still ringing. 

“If he didn’t love you anymore, why is he crying in bed watching Riverdale? Why did you break his heart a second time, as he so dramatically put it?”

It’s like an atom bomb was dropped on you.

“Wait. You said Riverdale?”

Beomgyu nods his head. “That’s how you know it’s bad.” Then he turns back to address his fellow pilates friends. “Y/N did a classic ‘kiss-and-run.’ Today, we will help her unpack all of her feelings, and emotions. But beware; she’s incredibly emotionally repressed. Like it’s fucking terrible.” Then, Beomgyu hops off the stage, and everyone’s eyes are on you. 

“Yo? A kiss-and-run? She must be insaneee,” you hear Mark murmur. 

Maybe he was right.

++

That pilates intervention did nothing. You ended up getting stoned with Beomgyu and Jeongin after, and then immediately falling asleep as soon as you got home. Heeseung plagues your dreams. He’s a never ending nightmare -- right? Dreaming about Heeseung is a nightmare? 

The week continues on. You ignore all the advice Beomgyu and Jeongin’s pilates class gave you and instead take your own advice. You avoid and ignore the problem -- Heeseung. Hell, you don’t even like his Instagram stories. It’s serious business to you. Even at school you manage to avoid Heeseung. 

It’s a Saturday night. Wonyoung is over for dinner. “You know, Y/N,” Wonyoung speaks up suddenly as you’re loading the dishwasher and she’s searching through the fridge. “I think you’re pretty pathetic for avoiding Heeseung.” 

Being called pathetic by Wonyoung Jang of all people means you’ve hit a new low.

“Pardon?” It’s the only response you can manage.

Wonyoung shuts the fridge and smiles at you. “Well, first of all, I don’t know why you enlisted in Lily’s help. Everyone knows she’s not the best person to go to for help. And second of all, I don’t see the point in avoiding Heeseung -- you both love each other. Just go and confess and then you’ll live your life-long dream.” 

“It’s complicated,” you protest, but even to you it sounds like a weak excuse. 

“No it’s not,” Wonyoung responds, studying the various photos and reminders pinned to the surface of your fridge by the random magnets Jake buys -- he has a magnet addiction. It must be the physics part of him -- “you’re the one that’s making it complicated. You love to complicate things, don’t you?” 

This whole conversation is worse than death.

You spend the entire night replaying the conversation over and over again. Your fingers begin to twitch and you grab your phone, unlock it, and click on Heeseung’s contact, your finger hovering over the call button. 

A minute later, you throw down the phone and get up to use the toilet. You’ll never be able to work up the courage to call, or text Heeseung. Maybe this is for the best, really. Pushing open the door to the bathroom, you stop in your tracks upon the sight of Jake helping Layla pee into the toilet. 

“Oh, she’s actually getting better?” 

Jake turns and flashes a smile. “You know what they say! Practice makes perfect!” 

“Right…” you trail off. “Jake, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Jake says, grabbing some toilet paper for Layla. 

“Do you regret….it?” 

“Yes,” Jake says, without missing a beat. 

“Oh,” you don’t know why you feel so offended, but you don’t blame Jake for regretting it. A lot of friendships were ruined in the process of your relationship. 

“You know, Y/N, you’re not as emotionally repressed as you think. If you wanted, you’d be with Heeseung right now.” 

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” 

“Sex buddies for life!” Jake grins. “Look, Y/N. You can’t blame yourself for everything that happened in college. We were stupid, you were emotional and in love and I took whatever you gave me. It’s in the past, we’re more mature now. You have a chance, and you should take it. Don’t be afraid.” 

You groan and hold your head in your hands. “I just -- I just can’t call him. I can’t. What do I even say to him?” 

“So don’t call him,” Jake says matter-of-factly. “Go see him.” 

“Go see him? At 2 in the morning?” 

“Excuses, excuses,” tsks Jake. “I’ll drive you.” 

“You’re broke and have no gas.”

“I nicked Jaehyun’s keys in the lobby earlier.”

“Jake!” 

“You’ll be thanking me later. C’mon, let’s go.” 

++

Jake pulls up to Heeseung’s apartment building. You’re sitting in the backseat since Jake insisted on Layla having the passenger’s seat. Your stomach rolls over with nerves and every gulp you take only increases the speed of your heart. 

“I feel sick,” you croak. 

“Throw up in the gutter, not in my car.”

“You mean Jaehyun’s car.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Get out and go see Heeseung. Tell him you love him and want to have his babies.” 

“Alright, alright.” 

Layla barks at you as you exit the car.

“Layla says ‘fighting!’” Jake tells you. 

“Thanks Layla.” You sigh and turn to look up at the building in front of you. “I can do this,” I whisper. 

“I won’t wait for you!” 

“What?!” I exclaim, turning back around. “Why not?”

“I’m tired and need sleep, so you better make sure Heeseung accepts your love and apology otherwise you’re walking home, or sleeping on the street.” With that, Jake pulls away from the curb, leaving you standing helplessly in your cat pajamas and BTS hoodie. 

The elevator ride up to Heeeseung’s floor is the longest ride of your life. You’re sweating everywhere -- forehead, palms, armpits, elbow, behind the knees, and even your feet. You can do this. You can do this. It’s easy, just apologize and admit your love. 

The elevator door dings open revealing Heeseung. 

“Oh!”

“Oh.”

You and Heeseung stare at each other for so long, the elevator doors start to shut again. For a second, you want them to shut and take you away, but then you remember Jake’s threats, and Wonyoung’s words and you’re thrusting your hands out, stopping the doors from closing. 

“Heeseung,” You begin with a surge of confidence. “I’m sorry for running away after kissing you. That was kind of a stupid move.” 

The elevator doors begin to shut again. You thrust your hand out to stop them from closing. “Like, it was genuinely stupid because why did I do that? I mean, I’ve been in love with you for twelve years, so I should’ve stayed and kissed you more --”

You hold your hand out to stop the doors from closing. 

“--I should’ve enjoyed kissing you. But instead, I ran because apparently that’s what I’ve been doing for the past couple of years. It’s true, though, that I’ve loved you for twelve years. I loved you every second of those twelve years. I’ve never stopped. And it’s okay if you don’t love me back, even though Beomgyu told me you’re watching Riverdale. I’m sorry for making you so sad you watched Riverdale. I think that’s the worst part about all of this.”

This time, it’s Heeseung who stops the doors, letting you continue on with your monologue. You hope you’re making sense. 

“I guess this is where I say; I love you Heeseung, and I would like another chance to kiss you.” 

Heeseung doesn’t say anything when he gets into the elevator with you. He presses the lobby button, and watches the door close in silence. You’re pretty sure you’re not breathing. “Heeseung?” You ask, gently. “Are you okay?” 

Heeseung doesn’t say anything until the doors ding open, revealing the lobby. Turning to you, Heeseung takes your hand and leads you out of the elevator. “Heeseung, where are we going?” You ask, following Heeseung as he leads you out of the apartment building. 

It’s raining.

“Do you have an umbrella?” Heeseung asks, finally saying something.

You shake your head.

“I can’t be bothered going back up to get mine. Are you okay with walking in the rain?”

“Of course, as long as I’m with you.”

Cringe or not, it makes Heeseung smile. 

“Well, actually, I kind of do mind because when my hair dries after being out in the rain it gets all frizzy and --” You cut yourself off as Heeseung breaks out into a sprint, tugging you along with him. What the fuck was he on? Was he stoned, or something? Maybe he was leading you to your death. Sounds right. You, too, would murder Heeseung if he pulled a kiss-and-run on you. In fact, it would probably be a murder-suicide. 

Okay. That’s kind of morbid. 

It turns out, Heeseung took you for a run around the block. God he’s such a weirdo. And a loser. And a freak. And you’re totally in love with him. He has no flaws. He’s perfect. He’s like Prince Charming, if Prince Charming’s hobbies were hotboxing and playing every instrument known to man. 

“What the fuck, Heeseung? Why did we just run around the block?” 

“You look cute,” Heeseung responds. “I totally dig your cat pajamas. Didn’t Jay give you those?” 

“Um. Yes? Answer my question, Heeseung.” 

“I actually told Jay to buy you those.” 

“Really?”

Heeseung nods. “He was freaking out. He didn’t know what to buy you. I, as usual, was his savior.” 

“Oh, well, thank you?” 

“It’s fine,” Heeseung smiles, his eyes crinkling. “And to answer your question; I’ve always wanted to kiss someone in the rain.”

“....Okay but why did we have to get soaked?” 

“It makes the kiss more romantic.”

“How so?” 

“Want me to show you?” 

God, you don’t think you’ve ever smiled wider. You’re pretty sure you’re splitting your face in half with how wide you’re smiling. You must look ugly. Hopefully Heeseung will still want you. “Yes. Please.”

So, Heeseung shows you.

He kisses you. 

And he’s right. He’s so fucking right. You should start kissing Heeseung in the rain, while soaked, more often. 

He kisses you, and you stop shivering. He warms you from the inside out. Heeseung Lee is officially a genius. He should get a Nobel Peace Prize for kissing in the rain. 

“Wow,” you say, pulling away. You feel Heeseung’s thumbs brush over your cheeks as he cradles your face so gently. “You were right.”

“Always am. And for the record, I love you too, I accept your apology, and I’ve loved you for thirteen years.” 

“What? No you haven’t! I’ve loved you for longer!” Heeseung is a liar. He is a freak. There is no way in hell he’s loved you longer than you’ve loved him. Seriously, how blind and stupid are you? For all you know, you and Heeseung could’ve been in a twelve-year long relationship by now. Damn. You feel sick all of a sudden….curse you and your stupid self. You should ask your mom if you got dropped on the head repetitively when you were a baby.

“Yes. I’ve loved you for thirteen years. I remember when I first felt it. We were at Jay’s. It was barbeque night. You grabbed the ketchup bottle and it exploded all over your top. One of the funniest moments of my life, but it was also the moment I started loving you.” 

“....That’s not fair.” 

“Nothing in life is fair.” 

“You’re such a loser.” 

“Says the one who ran away after finally kissing me.” 

“Can we not bring that up?!” you whine. 

“Oh, I’m gonna bring it up for the rest of your life,” grins Heeseung. 

“Let’s break up.” 

“No,” Heeseung says, and kisses you again. “Also, I was expecting more of an extravagant way of professing your love for me,” he says after drawing back from the kiss. 

“Oh, I had something planned. I was going to make my kids, one by one, enter your classroom with a rose and hand it to you, and then I was gonna get the band to play "I Melt With You" by Modern English while I get down on my knees and profess my love for you.” 

Heeseung’s face lights up like a Christmas tree. “Really?!”

“No.” 

++

jake’s intervention: stop kissing everything

[2:45 AM]

you: heeseung and i are dating btw

you: in case anyone cares

[12 PM]

gaymansaywhat: Congrats.

[9:22 PM]

nishimura: sunoo give me 20 bucks or jungwon gets it

author’s note: idk what that ending was. it just got worse the longer i went on…. also this probs couldve been more angstier but i am currently suffering and going through the worst writers block of my life so pls forgive me. anyway stars will fall part two is being written its just. a long process. hope u enjoyed this shit show pls dont take any of it seriously 😭😭😭

[halfmoonaria]

home

pairing: joey (from abigail) x reader

summary: all you ever wanted was a home to call your own.

words: 4.4k

warnings: violence, mention of drug abuse & overdose, gore.

author’s note: this is more of a platonic/parentish relationship so yall dont have to worry about the age gap since it isnt meant in that way.

also i know joey isnt her real name, but it felt better to use that since thats what the character name is.

i have no idea how this is going to go, but i honestly don’t care bc im so tired of writing this.

The second you stepped a foot into the van you could feel the whole atmosphere tense up. Especially Joey.

Her whole body stiffened noticeably, her shoulders tensed and her breathing almost hitched, an uneasy silence descended over the cramped space.

Was it because she could easily tell who you were by looking at you for not even a second? Or was it because she was anxious about the situation that was about to come? Perhaps it was both.

You could practically discern her actions without needing to look at her. Her movements were similar; her eyes were probably darting nervously, trying to look anywhere but at you. Her hands fiddling with one another, like they always did while she was uneasy.

The guy in the front seat looked back, his hair covered by a beanie, his features sharp and his eyes piercing behind his glasses, which had thick and prominent black frames.

As his gaze shifted to you, confusion flashed across his face. "What the fuck?" he spit, "How old are you, exactly?" his voice tinged with irritation.

Joey turned her head to you, suddenly interested in the subject and conversation at hand.

"Seventeen." You answered assuredly, shifting in your seat; feeling her gaze burn onto your skin. "Thought we weren't supposed to get personal though."

You crossed your arms defensively and sank down in your seat as you watched him clench his jaw in annoyance, turning his head back to the road muttering something about 'stupid fucking kids'.

Joey's gaze lingered on you for a moment longer, and despite your plans on not looking back, you did. You met her gaze with a defiant stare, silently challenging her unspoken question with your own: "The fuck you looking at?"

She turned away, her fingers still twisting together. Why did your presence make her so nervous?

Joey was the toughest woman you knew; she could effortlessly fix her own car, assemble furniture without instructions, and carry heavy groceries without breaking a sweat.

Her confidence showed in everything she did. So why did she look so incredibly agitated when you came along?

Possibly because of the past.

The van rumbled along, the road ahead illuminated by the headlights, casting long, eerie shadows in the surrounding darkness.

The man with the glasses seemed to sense the tension, couldn't resist but add, "You guys know each other or something?" Voice still as sharp as before.

His question hung in the air, cutting through the thick silence and forcing both you and Joey to acknowledge the underlying animosity that simmered between you.

You broke the silence, your voice low and edged with bitterness, "Not anymore." The words hung heavy in the air, signaling a past fraught with conflict and now, an uncomfortable present.

Joey's jaw tensed slightly, her gaze hardening as she stared out the window, a silent agreement in your response despite the tension it added to the already precarious situation.

You tried to steady your breath, the tension in the air making it difficult to relax. The silence in the van grew heavier, punctuated only by the occasional bump in the road.

You stared out the window, the night sky dotted with stars, a stark contrast to the turmoil inside the van.

The van rolled to a stop at the gates of the sprawling estate. Towering oak trees framed the entrance, their branches reaching skyward in a silent salute to the wealth that defined the property.

The mansion itself was a masterpiece of architecture. Gleaming windows reflected the moonlight, casting shimmering patterns across the manicured lawns that surrounded the estate.

Your eyes glimmered at the sight, staring at the mansion in shock. Wondering if this was how some people actually lived.

However, before you could open the car door to exit, the man with glasses glanced back again, his expression just as dark as before.

"Just to make things clear, you're not doing a shit." He snapped, jabbing his finger in your direction. "I'm not having some stupid fucking kid ruin everything for us."

"What the fuck?" you blurted out, feeling a surge of frustration. "If they didn't think I was capable, they wouldn't have sent me the message to come"

Your eyebrows knit together in annoyance as you leaned back in your seat, processing the implication of being underestimated. The comment stung, igniting a resolve to prove them wrong.

But you knew better than to act out. Three full-grown adults capable of kidnapping a child? They could do anything to you if you crossed them the wrong way.

So unfortunately for you, fortunate for the rest of them; you didn't do anything.

You followed them through the house, silent as a shadow, observing their movements. You watched as they found a secure hiding spot and brutally put the girl to sleep.

The weight of the situation pressed heavily on your shoulders as you stood witness to their intense planning, knowing that every moment counted in this risky endeavor.

Especially when the alarm went off.

You weren't much for panic or fear, but getting caught trying to kidnap a little girl would certainly not bode well for what was technically your first criminal activity.

But it worked out in favor.

Back in the van, the amount of people doubled. Some blonde chick with blue stripes of hair, a man with ginger beard and a black man who wore a leather jacket.

The house you arrived to later on was no different from the first one, standing out only for its poor choice of location and haunting appearance.

A man dressed in a black suit claimed his name was 'Lambert' and insisted to be the leader, the rules leaving his mouth as if they were simple.

You knew very well that the whole process wouldn't be so easy. Especially now that you knew that Joey would be there.

Arguing about the names seemed to be the main subject the first couple minutes, until they were randomly assigned to you by Lambert.

Frank

Dean

Sammy

Peter

Joey

Rickles

Riley.

Riley? Was that the best he could come up with?

The name left a bitter taste in your mouth. It reminded you way too much of the girl in your seventh grade class who made fun of the woman you babysat for, claimed she was a junkie.

She ended up with a nosebleed and you with detention.

Then you remembered who the woman actually was. And all the memories came crashing down.

You yearned to shed those, to wipe the slate clean.

Which was why you thanked the Gods above for putting a bar in the house.

Everybody else seemed to be as impressed as you were, it was basically the room the whole group headed into.

The polished mahogany counter gleamed invitingly under warm light. And the pool table was not that long out of use, its felt still pristine and ready for the next game.

Amid the soothing clink of glasses and the murmurs of fellow conspirators, you felt a fleeting sense of release. It was as if this place had been crafted just for this purpose—to offer respite from the weight of memories.

You settled down into the seat next to 'Sammy', the girl with the with wannabe teenager style, who looked like she could've stepped straight out of a high school yearbook.

Reached for a glass to pour yourself a drink, but you all eyes in the room landed on you as Joey spoke up; sitting further away in an uncomfortable looking armchair.

"You're too young to drink." Joey said, her voice unbothered and determined as she leaned back in the armchair. Almost like she was your mother.

And for some reason, what she said and how she said it sparked a raging fire inside you.

"And you're too young to act like my mother," you countered sharply, your words laced with defiance and a hint of frustration you felt.

You filled up the glass and let it all slide down your throat, hoping that it fueled an irritation in Joey.

As tension hung thick in the air, Sammy sensed the atmosphere and looked between you and Joey, looking as dumbfounded as everyone else. Finally, she asked cautiously, "Um, were we allowed to share our ages or something? I thought we weren't supposed to share personal information."

Frank raised an eyebrow, nodding towards you and Joey. "Apparently they knew each other before," he remarked, gesturing between the two of you.

Peter furrowed his brow, clearly puzzled as if he wasn't in the car when it was mentioned.

At that Sammy chimed in again, her curiosity piqued. "Are you related or something?" she asked, glancing back and forth between you and Joey.

You rolled your eyes, not in the mood for discussing the subject; you were never in the mood for it. Now everybody in the house knew about it, and it was clear that they would be asking about it.

Joey didn't seem to mind it one bit. Instead she smiled weakly and answered like she could've done it in her sleep.

"Her mother's my best friend." She stood up from where she was sitting, directing her voice to Sammy who raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Was," you corrected sharply through gritted teeth, feeling the familiar sting of annoyance.

The room fell silent at that, the weight of your words hanging heavily in the air: nobody seemed to know what to say next.

Instead, the conversation shifted, and you sat back, happy that no one seemed to care much about it. You listened attentively to everyone and observed their behaviors and personalities; trying to find out what kind of people they were.

You quickly realized that the man wearing glasses was aggressive with a short temper. The big, muscular man seemed oblivious and not very bright, but he was strong enough to lift a mountain if he put his mind to it. The black man with the motorcycle style was mysterious. He appeared to have a crush on Joey — as he often looked at her when she wasn't aware and spoke to her in a flirtatious manner.

The smoker, dressed in rainbow-colored clothes, was childish and seemed eager for Sammy's attention, though it was clear that Sammy had her eye on Peter.

You were great at observing things, uncovering manners and nuances that nobody else even noticed. Listing out their jobs, family lives, and relationships came as a bonus.

You had picked up the skill from Joey. She had made up the game just between the two of you to play whenever you went out for ice cream every weekend.

Observing people, figuring out stories about their lives based on their clothes and guessing their secrets based on their body language. You were good at it, great almost, but Joey was always better. And you wanted to be just like her.

Everybody in the room was now paying her to do just that—figure them out and make assumptions about their lives. Watching her, you realized you didn't want to play that game anymore. It felt too invasive, too much like prying into things better left alone.

She confidently walked around the room, collecting every dollar offered to her. With unwavering certainty, she revealed her insights: Frank had a background in detective enforcement, Peter had struggled with paternal abuse, Sammy hailed from wealth and enjoyed outdoing criminal exploits for a rush, and Dean was a nonprofessional sociopath.

To no surprise she seemed to be right on every single one of them.

However, when she arrived at you, you met her gaze with a steely expression of defiance. She almost looked uncertain, like she wanted to look away.

You were not in the mood for her to dig up your past like it was a game. "Do me, and I'll cut your throat."

Harsh. Way too harsh, but it worked since Joey walked away.

It was the fact that Joey wouldn't even have to guess your past that threw you off. She knew everything already. Almost everything.

Which was unsettling. You didn't want to share a past with her anymore. You didn't want for your past to be exposed meanwhile hers was well hidden.

Which was why you couldn't help but discreetly smirk at Frank's words, "And you are a junkie".

It was ironic, a moment of relief even. Making you realize that even her past was more transparent than you'd thought. She couldn't shield herself from having her own past exposed, despite her sharp insights in others.

_____

As if things couldn't get any weirder, the kidnapped girl — whose name seemed to be Abigail — turned out to be a vampire.

Both Rickles and Dean had been killed out of nowhere, and it was now clear that the little girl was the one who'd done it.

She had made attempts at biting every single one of you, successfully capturing a bite in Sammy's arm, leaving everyone panicked.

And now, you guys had successfully captured her in a human cage; although it was clear she didnt belong to that group of species.

Abigail, from her confinement, proudly stated that she had orchestrated the entire operation and planned everything herself. That Lambert worked for her and that the money everybody was there for, didn't exist.

And without missing a beat, she had begun to expose everyone's real names and tragic pasts, laying bare the secrets they clearly had tried so hard to keep hidden.

She revealed that Sammy's actual name was Jessica Hurney, that she had made a career out of siphoning money from her rich parents, next came hedge funds and private offshore accounts. All of the facts confirmed what Joey had guessed earlier; she only did it for the kicks, since she clearly already had enough money.

Peter's real name was Terrence Lacroix, clearly much more complicated and advanced than his brain and his way of thinking. Appearently he had history with the Montreal Broussard family; snapping next for them. Which surprised you a ton, the guy might've looked stately, but he acted like he wouldn't hurt a fly.

Then she arrived at you.

She turned her head to you with a big proud smirk plastered on her face. Her hands were clasped together as she spoke, swinging back and forth on her heels.

"Y/N L/N" She spoke proudly, everybody's eyes on you. "Deceased mother, unkown father and two suicide attempts before the age of seventeen."

You clenched your jaw, even though you weren't affected by the slightest. You already knew everything she was saying. You lived through it. And it wasn't like you were ever going to see these people again, what was the shame in letting them know?

Everybody had their gaze stuck on you, but Joey's was burning onto your skin.

"Orphan at fourteen. Going through foster care after foster care yet nobody seemed to want you  permanentely. Was it because you were nothing but a burden? Or was it because you were caught stealing alcohol from most of them?" Abigail smiled proudly, and you wanted nothing but to smile back; showing her that she didn't affect you the way she thought she did. But your lips didn't move.

She then moved through Frank and Joey, and it seemed like she had invited everyone to punish and torture them for doing something to their family legacy.

Sammy had embezzled funds from their empire, Peter had stolen from them. Frank had betrayed them and Joey had accidentally caused the death of someone very important to Abigail's father.

Everybody had done something to them, but you? Hadn't done anything, for once.

____

Thinking that pulling a book from a bookshelf would help you find the way out was stupid, but what was even more stupid was that Joey thought that the walls would be breakable containing only one layer. And the fact that she got frustrated when it didn't work was laughable.

Ever since Abigail had revealed your past and managed to escape out of the cage, Joey had looked at you with worried puppy eyes; as if you were going to break down any second. Which only annoyed you.

But nothing infuriated you more than Sammy sitting herself down next to Joey, clearly trying to engage in some kind of conversation. She probably thought Joey was this amazing person that got through a bunch of tragic stuff with drug addiction and a son in the picture. But she wasn't, not in your eyes.

Joey explained that she had gotten clean, that she was planning to go back for him and start a new life with the money she took the job for.

Everybody gave her sympatic looks in return. Even Frank looked like it was getting to him.

And you were tired of it.

"That's bullshit." You stood up from the chair you were previously sitting on.

All eyes were back on you, Joey's in particular. Her eyes widened, a mixture of shock and hurt playing across her face. The room fell silent, the air thick with tension.

"What?" Joey's voice trembled, though she tried to keep it steady.

"You heard me," you said, your tone unwavering. "You weren't planning to use the money on a new life, you were going to spend it all on drugs."

Sammy shifted uncomfortably beside Joey, clearly caught off guard by your outburst.

Joey shook her head in determination to get you to stop, knowing what you were going to expose. "No." She let out, her voice almost failing her.

You scoffed, crossing your arms and looking around the room. "Do you guys want to know the actual reason my mom is dead?"

Nobody answered. You turned your glare towards Peter who watched you with nothing but pity in his eyes.

Joey's eyes, almost glistening with unshed tears, met yours. There was a flicker of something there—pleading for you to stop, perhaps.

"She died of an overdose." You looked around the room, seeing the wary and weary faces staring back at you. Feeling the weight of the words settle in the room like a thick fog.

Joey's face crumpled, and she turned away, trying to hide her regretful face with tears threatening to spill. Sammy looked between you and Joey, unsure of what to say or do. The rest of the group was equally silent, processing your revelation.

You continued, your voice growing steadier with each word. "She had been sober for 2 months until Joey decided to come over and ruin everything."

Joey's head snapped up, eyes wide but defiant. "It wasn't supposed to happen like that! I just... I wanted to-"

You scoffed, bitterness dripping from your words as you interrupted her. "Well you clearly didnt want to earn up to your mistake since you left the town the next day.

Joey's jaw tightened, her voice steady but strained as she tried to defend herself. "I panicked, okay? I didn't know what to do. I was scared."

The room was deathly quiet, everyone holding their breath. You took a deep breath and delivered the final blow, your voice cold and unwavering."Scared? You should be. Because you can't run from what you did forever."

The room fell silent again, everyone avoiding eye contact. The tension hung in the air, heavy and unspoken.

Finally, Sammy broke the silence, changing the subject to how she could lock up all the doors; that were covered with bars and lock if she found a power source.

The conversation rapidly shifted, but the impact of your words lingered, leaving everyone with a lot to think about. Mostly Joey.

You knew things would never be the same, but at least the truth was out.

The dumbest thing to ever do trapped in a house with a vampire on the loose would be splitting up. Yet Joey instructed everybody to do just that to find the power source Sammy needed, and since everyone had no clue what to do, they listened.

Peter willingly went with Sammy, since it was very clear that they liked each other. Either way it was stupid, you figured Sammy would turn into a vampire any second now.

In reality, you wanted to go alone, but unfortunately you were paired with Joey and Frank. The decision to split up seemed reckless, especially in a situation where safety was paramount.

Despite your reservations, there was no room for argument. Joey's instructions were clear, and you found yourself reluctantly following alongside Joey and Frank as they ventured into the corridors of the house.

In the midst of the tension, before you followed Joey and Frank into the corridors, Joey had pulled you aside with a determined look in her eyes. She spoke in a hushed voice, barely concealing her urgency,

'When we get out of here, you're coming to live with me. I'll make sure of it.'

There was no room for discussion as she hurriedly turned away, leaving you with a glimmer of hope in your eyes.

Every shadow seemed to move, every creak in the floorboards felt like a threat. The urgency to find the power source and secure the house drove you forward, but the unease never left your mind. Joey and Frank moved ahead with cautious determination, while you kept glancing over your shoulder, half-expecting for Abigail to appear at any moment.

___

As you anticipated,  Sammy had turned into a vampire no more than a few minutes into searching, killing Peter. Then exploded from the daylight Joey reflected from a small silver platter.

Lambert's true nature was exposed; he was the same species as Abigail, working for her and her father.

And Frank, in a moment of desperation, was foolish enough to accept Lambert's offer to join the them.

While you expected his transformation to take as long as Sammy's, it happened much faster. Within moments, after Lambert almost choked Joey to death Frank's eyes changed color, and his metamorphosis was complete.

Joey made a desperate attempt to call her son, assuming none of you would make it out in human form. Her attempt ended with her leaving a voice message, as he didn't answer.

After her unsuccessful attempt to reach her son, you and she hurried to the center of the house, aware that Frank was close behind, his footsteps echoing ominously through the corridors.

As you reached the center, the dim light from a flickering bulb overhead cast eerie shadows around you, intensifying the sense of dread that hung in the air.

And Frank wasted no time in springing into action. With a sudden burst of inhuman force, he threw both Joey and you up to the second floor landing.

You landed with a painful thud against the bookshelf covered wall, as if you were a weightless doll, struggling to catch your breath as Joey scrambled to her feet.

With menacing speed, Frank flew up to the second-floor landing where you and Joey stood, taken aback by his unnatural speed and power.

His eyes was now fixated on Joey. And in a terrifying display, he seized her by the throat, lifting her effortlessly off the ground. Joey struggled against his vice-like grip, grasping for air as her hands clawed his arm.

With a cruel twist of fate, Frank suddenly released Joey, throwing her backwards. At the same moment, he hurled you with his strength, propelling you over the edge of the landing.

Joey's cry of horror echoed through the air as you plummeted toward the hard cement floor below. Time seemed to slow as the ground rushed up to meet you.

And in the corner of your eye, you could see Abigail sliding on the black and white floor, allowing herself to catch Joey just in time.

But there was no one to break your fall.

It was abrupt and brutal, ending with the back of your head crashing against the cement floor with an unforgiving, bone-jarring impact.

The pain was immediate and excruciating, radiating from your scull down your entire body. You could feel the severity of the blow reverberate through your brain, a sensation that left no doubt about the damage it had caused.

Your vision blurred momentarily, and you struggled to focus on the chaotic scene around you.

Every heartbeat sent a fresh wave of agony through your head, and you could feel a warm trickle of blood pooling beneath you.

Each breath became a struggle, and your attempts to move were met with unresponsive limbs. The sounds of the fight above you started to fade, and the fact that Joey was calling your name to get up and help her, was inaudible from your side.

Not from distance but from your own waning awareness.

The cold cement beneath you was unyielding.

Numbness was spreading through your body.

And your eyes shut.

____

Joey didn't realize you were gone until the chaos had finally subsided. She had been so consumed with the fight for survival that your absence hadn't registered. It was only after the battle ended, and the adrenaline began to fade, that she noticed you weren't by her side and hadn't been at all since the fall. The shock and guilt hit her hard when she found your lifeless body, realizing that she had been too late to save you.

Joey had held onto you with tears streaming down her face.

The weight of your loss settled heavily on her, making her painfully aware that this was all your life was ever going to be.

Your life had always been a struggle. As a kid, your concerns weren't about choosing an ice cream flavor at the kiosk or picking out a dress at the shops. Instead, you worried about making sure the tap wasn't running and raising the water bill, and you focused on maintaining grades good enough to secure a well-paying job to help your mother with groceries.

What you didn't know back then was that you wouldn't get the time to find a job anyway. And now, the water bill didn't matter anymore; you didn't have a home to pay for it.

-this sucks and trust me, i’m aware, i just spent way too much dreading and time on writing this; it’s only be a waste for it to rot in drafts.

[fcknstar]

,, we're similar, dont you think? "

pairings : gf!ethanlandry x fem!reader

summary : what would you do for love?

content warnings : gore, killing, mentions of body parts out place, very morbid for some readers, possessiveness, jealousy.

**lowercase intended**

and there you were. squeezed by a few sweaty bodies but all you can focus on is him. and the way she flirts with him. your thoughts being disoriented, breathing heavy as you try to calm yourself down. how dare he, have the nerve to ask you to be his rightful date to this party, but flirt with another girl. not to mention, shes your friend.

the music changes with the way you think. eliminate whoever is stopping us from being happy. your calm facade broke with the way you broke her nose.

you pull stacy into the alleyway, pushing her down onto the rough floor that made her skin crack. her once soft skin is now full of dirt and cuts that you knew he disliked.

" you told me youd stay away from aaron! you promised, you whore! " you stomp towards her, before kicking her face. your high heel met her nose bridge which was so close to her eye, something you aimed for. if you had kicked her eyeballs in, she might not have the chance to ogle her eyes at aaron.

" i told you, hes mine! fucking mine! " you screamed, before looking around. you found a metal pipe, lifting it before smashing her face. you always hated how she tried her best to look better than you whenever shes around aaron. you liked how the sound of the metal pipe clanked with her skull, with the way her screams harmonizes with it.

" who's the ugly one now? " you whisper to her smushed face. one that didnt look pretty. her face was bleeding, skin torn apart like she had been eaten alive by a dog. she choked on her blood, her neck too, bruised and bleeding.

standing up, you stumbled backwards before registering what you had done.

" fuck.. not again.." you whispered before turning around. no one seemed to be near you.

★

ethan coulnt help but stare at you. clear rage in your eyes as he followed what you were looking at. you looked jealous despite your calm facade. he watched you pull the girl away from the guy, pulling her out of the bar. the bar had parties every friday and ethan decided to see what the hype was about. and he saw it. watching you kick the girl, fuck the girls face up was something he didnt expect to see. maybe he should come to bars often.

" fuck..not again.." he heard whisper. he was in the dark, hid quietly behind the large bin he just peered out from. he saw the way you pulled gloves out of your bag, as if you had planned this. you pulled stacy over to the bin he was at, before lifting her up and dumping it in. you knew the authorities will just assume this as another ghostface attack.

you then stumble out of the alleyway, running off into the night. ethan found it appealing, how incredibly attractive you sounded and looked. he knew this wasnt your first time.

★

" come on babe, we just talking. "

" didnt seem like talking to me aaron. "

" oh so we back on first names now? and you say youre the mature one. "

" says the one who told me that stacys someone i shouldn't worry about- "

" oh fuck off, you're just fucking insecure! " his voice ringed into your ear. you angrily hung up the call before heading to bed.

the next morning, you thought about what had happened. maybe shes not someone to worry after all. you decide to apologize to him to patch up your relationship even though your brain disagrees with it. you love him, after all, you would do anything for love.

" good morning babe.. i.. im sorry about yesterday. maybe i overreacted.. im coming over for dinner to make us something. how about that? " you left a voice note.

after getting ready for the day, your phone buzzed.

aaron<3

aaron : hey babe, i got your voice note. its fine, maybe i did too. sorry for saying such words to you, i don't mean any of that. id love that! see you tonight baby! <33

me : see you love!! xoxo

★

as you rummaged through your bag for the spare keys to aarons home, you realized you had left it at home.

" shit. uhh sweety? i forgot the keys, can you open the door for me? " you knocked on the door.

almost instantly, the door slightly open. you were confused, why didnt he just open in fully and engulf you in a hug like he usually did.

" babe? " you slowly push the door open, looking down as you wanted to remove your shoes. however you saw a silhouette of someone.

" aaron- oh my fucking god. " you step back as you watch you aaron dangling with his intestines wrapped around his neck, from the ceiling fan. blood spilled every where. by now the door behind closed to you pushing it shut.

as you take steps towards aaron, you cant help but cry out.

you tiptoed, hands on his bloodied cheeks and his eyes have been dug out, empty hollow filling the void. the once bright brown eyes you loved to look at is now gone. looking down at where his intestines would be, there was a note.. with his pair of eyes.

the note read : he should have kept his eyes on you.

" fuck.. aaron… please. " you wished and prayed that maybe, just maybe hed just wake up.

looking around, you wanted to pull aaron down so you could properly grieve. your hands move back and forward in the air as you hesitate to touch his intestines.

but then his arm moved, waving at you. you stumble backwards, falling to the floor as he spoke.

" i thought you liked touching me? " and a humorous laugh came after it. but his mouth didnt move an inch. before you know it, aarons body fell towards you, having you push yourself backwards. a figure, ghostface to be exact appeared before you.

" holy shit. " you cursed before lifting yourself to defend.

you run to the kitchen to find all the knives and scissors to be missing. nothing was there. you make a run to your shared room.

" fuck. " you realized you could have just ran out of the house since its still unlocked. once you locked yourself in the shared room, you knew this was going to be your last moment.

pounds on the door became louder with every passing second. you hid next to the door, where once he manages to open, itd hide you. then it happened, the door swung towards you, and you had a hand out to softly stop the door from hurting you.

when you peer your head, you watch as ghostface had his back turned to you. once you think its safe, you ran out the door, before reaching the main door handle. your hand touched it, held it, but your grip wasnt strong enough. ghostface was strong, too strong for you as he pulled you away from the door and pushed you hard against the wall.

you arched your back and moaned in pain in the process which made ghostface tilt his head slightly. your head felt like it was spinning.

" fucking kill me already. " you whimpered out, breathing staggered.

" dont you see? we both are the same. you killed your friend because she couldnt stop looking at aaron here because you love him. and i killed aaron cause i wanted to be the only one looking at you. just because. ill let you figure that your own. " he giggled, almost like how a shy boy would.

a.n : ta da!!! m very proud of this piece thank you very much, haha.

[yamayuandadu]

do you have any sources on the worship of the goddess inanna/Ishtar during the Seleucid/Hellenistic period to the Parthian period? i dont recall stumbling upon anything talking about her.

even though from what I've been reading mesopotamian deities were still popular (like bel-marduk in Palmyra and nabu in Edessa or shamash in hatra and mardin or sin in harran etc etc.. ) i dont recall reading anything about her or anything mention her worship (other than theories of the alabaster reclining figurines being depictions of her)

A good start when it comes to late developments in Mesopotamian religion is Religious Continuity and Change in Parthian Mesopotamia. A Note on the survival of Babylonian Traditions by Lucinda Dirven.

Hellenistic Uruk, and by extension the cult of Ishtar, is incredibly well documented and the most extensive monograph on this topic, Julia Krul’s The Revival of the Anu Cult and the Nocturnal Fire Ceremony at Late Babylonian Uruk, is pretty much open access (and I link it regularly here, and it's one of my to-go wiki editing points of reference as well); it has an extensive bibliography and the author discusses the history of research of the development of specific cults in Uruk in detail. The gist of it is fairly straightforward: her status declined because with the fall of Babylon to the Persians the priestly elites of Uruk decided it’s time for a reform and for the first time in history Anu’s primacy moved past the nominal level, into the cultic sphere, at the expense of Ishtar and Nanaya. Even the Eanna declined, though a new temple, the Irigal, was built essentially as a replacement; we know relatively a lot about its day to day operations. An akitu festival of Ishtar is also well documented, and Krul goes into its details. All around, I don’t think the linked book will disappoint you.

An important earlier work about the changes in Uruk in Paul-Alain Beaulieu’s Antiquarian Theology in Seleucid Uruk. There’s also Of Priests and Kings: The Babylonian New Year Festival in the Last Age of Cuneiform Culture by Céline Debourse which covers Uruk and Babylon, but there is less material relevant to this ask there. Evidence from Upper Mesopotamia and beyond is more fragmented so I’ll discuss it in more detail under the cut. My criticism of this take on the reclining figures is there as well.

The matter is briefly discussed in Personal Names in the Aramaic Inscriptions of Hatra by Enrico Marcato (p. 168; search for “Iššar” within the file for theophoric name attestations). References to a deity named ʻIššarbēl might indicate Ishtar of Arbela fared relatively well (for her earlier history see here and here) in the first centuries CE. The evidence is not unambiguous, though. This issue is discussed in detail in Lutz Greisiger’s Šarbēl: Göttin, Priester, Märtyrer – einige Probleme der spätantiken Religionsgeschichte Nordmesopotamiens. Theophoric names and the dubious case of ʻIššarbēl aside, there are basically no meaningful attestations of Ishtar from Hatra, but curiously “Ishtar of Hatra” does appear in a Mandaic scroll known as the “Great Mandaic Demon Roll”. According to Marcato this evidence should not be taken out of context, and additionally it cannot be ruled that we’re dealing with a case of ishtar as a generic noun for a goddess (An Aramaic Incantation Bowl and the Fall of Hatra, pages 139-140; accessible via De Gruyter). If this is correct, most likely Marten (the enigmatic main female deity of the local pantheon), Nanaya or Allat (brought to Upper Mesopotamia by Arabs settling there in the first centuries CE) are actually meant as opposed to Ishtar. 

Joan Goodnick Westenholz suggested that Mandaic sources might also contain references to Ishtar of Babylon: the theonym Bablīta (“the Babylonian”) attested in them according to her might reflect the emergence of a new deity derived from Bēlet-Bābili (ie. Ishtar of Babylon) in late antiquity (Goddesses in Context, p. 133)

In addition to Marcato’s article listed above, another good starting point for looking into Mesopotamian religious “fossils” in Mandaic sources is Spätbabylonische Gottheiten in spätantiken mandäischen Texten by Christa Müller-Kessler and Karlheinz Kessler; Ishtar is covered on pages 72-73 and 83-84 though i’d recommend reading the full article for context. The topic is further explored here.

In his old-ish monograph The Pantheon of Palmyra, Javier Teixidor proposed that the sparsely attested local Palmyrene goddess Herta (I’ve also seen her name romanized as Ḥirta; it’s agreed that it’s derived from Akkadian ḫīrtu, “wife”) was a form of Ishtar, based on the fact she appears in multiple inscriptions alongside Nanaya (p. 111). She is best known from a dedication formula where she forms a triad with Nanaya and Resheph (Greek version replaces them with Hera and Artemis, but curiously keeps Resheph as himself). However, ultimately little can be said about her cult beyond the fact it existed, since a priest in her service is mentioned at least once.

I need to stress here that I didn’t find any other authors arguing in favor of the existence of a supposed Palmyrene Ishtar. Joan Goodnick Westenholz mentioned Herta in her seminal Nanaya: Lady of Mystery, but she only concluded that the name was an Akkadian loanword and that she, Resheph and Nanaya indeed formed a triad (p. 79; published in Sumerian Gods and their Representations, which as far as I know can only be accessed through certain totally legit means). Maciej M. Münnich in his monograph The God Resheph in the Ancient Near East doesn’t seem to be convinced by Teixidor’s arguments, and notes that it’s most sensible to assume Herta seems to be Nanaya’s mother in local tradition. He similarly criticizes Teixidor for asserting Resheph has to be identical with Nergal in Palmyrene context (pages 259-260); I’m inclined to agree with his reasoning, interchangeability of deities cannot be presumed without strong evidence and that is lacking here.

I’m not aware of any attestations from Dura Europos. Nanaya had that market cornered on her own. Last but not least: I'm pretty sure the number of authors identifying the statuettes you’ve mentioned this way is in the low single digits. The similar standing one from the Louvre is conventionally identified as Nanaya (see ex. Westenholz's Trading the Symbols of the Goddess Nanaya), who has a much stronger claim to crescent as an attribute (compare later Kushan and Sogdian depictions, plus note the official Seleucid interpretatio as Artemis for dynastic politics purposes), so I see little reason to doubt reclining figures so similar they even tend to have the same sort of gem navel decoration are also her, personally.

A great example of the Nanaya-ish statuette from the Louvre (wikimedia commons). To sum everything up: while evidence is available from both the south and the north, the last centuries BCE and first centuries CE were generally a time of decline for Ishtar(s); for the first time Nanaya was a clear winner instead, but that's another story...

[theninth09]

So I have been in the whole Thiam things quite a while how and there is specific tag that got me wondering and it is the Jewish Theo Raeken tag the reason bcs where does this coming? Is this just a tag that an author like just created and ppl thinks “oh hey! This is really interesting!” And decide so write more about? Or this there any specific theories behind it????

hi yeah, that theo is Jewish is a headcanon. im pretty sure that its theoceanismyinkwell (they're under the same username on tumblr too!) who came up with that since most of the fics under that tag are by them! i dont know much about this headcanon, but theoceanismyinkwell is actually Jewish themselves, so if you have more questions about that, maybe try sending them an ask instead :)

in canon we dont really get to know much about theo's religion or ethnicity. theo just gets read as a white guy, which, well, he is. cody christian, his actor, is actually indigenous (his mother is penobscot) but teen wolf in general likes to cast actors that are racially ambiguous. froy gutierrez, nolan's actor, is of caxcan (indigenous to mexico) and mexican descent. victoria molores, hayden's actress, is of mexican descent as well. kelsey chow, tracy's actress, is chinese (im ignoring her claiming she's native american bc that's a whole controversy and im white european myself so its Definitely not my place to comment on that.)

my point is, all the characters ive listed can get read as white if you really want to. they're just racially ambiguous enough that you can ignore any non-white features they may have. and with the way teen wolf likes to be racist in general (the way they treat literally all of their Black characters, the way they treat kira and the incredibly poor way they handle their inspirations of asian and native american mythology) this feels... interesting to me. its definitely a choice they made.

sorry, i got of track. the racism in teen wolf makes me incredibly angry. canonically, theo mentions once that he's an atheist in s6ep9 when the sheriff threatens to shoot him "until god won't even recognize him" to which theo says "im an atheist. fire at will." if hes just always been an atheist or if his time underground possibly made him stop believing in higher beings- who knows. i think its a very fun tidbit of information about him since his name, theodore, means "gift of god." how ironic. (heres a post where i briefly talk about that btw)

anyway. that theo is Jewish is just a hc, and not an actual theory as far as i am aware! its definitely fun though. since we dont really know a lot about theo, especially his childhood and his life post-canon, i think giving him these kinds of hcs is so cool. adding aspects to his character to further explore him.

[v1vian-th3-f4nfic-wr1ter]

An Eternity With You

«Chapter 3»

Warnings: Arguements (All Four) Physical Injuries (Arthur to Gerald and Reader) Hurt no Comfort (Gerald and Reader) Smoking (Felix) Mention of Sex (Idk Anymore)

Authors note: Who wants to see Felix be absolutely an depressed twink? Also sorry i havent been active, been very busy and also writers block, i wrote the plot as i go, this story is now a joint story between me and becca because i want to have the most people enjoying my/our writing

Written by: V1vian and @fckedupnerd aka Becca

You were walking with Gerald towards a bakery that has caught your eye since dating him, still unaware of the secret relationship between him and the chocolate cartel, the winter air made the coat you borrowed from him all the more cozier, though Gerald seemed uneased passing by the Galarie Gourmet buliding, "Hey, are you okay...?" You asked him "Oh yes am fine, just a bit cold from the air" He shook it off. You suspected something else but didnt want to push any furthur, you arrive home safely and without issue, you kiss him goodbye and he walked back to the Galarie Gourmet, alone in your apartment, you wonder what made him so uneased

Meanwhile Gerald was just returning to the vault, Arthur and Felix stared at him, wondering why he was so late, he was always the earliest out of all of them, theres no way he woukd be caught in traffic or be late because of getting food so why is he late now? "Well Gerald it seems like youre late, care to explain?"

"Well the café i go to didnt open yet and there was a new perdon there so i had to explain my order, anyways i got food" He held out the takeout orders, hoping and praying he hid the fact he was just out with you well enough so they dont know about his affairs, he feels extremely gulity about it, but he still holds them to his heart dearly, they eat...well Arthur and Gerald, Felix didnt touch the food and only drank his black coffee because of his own ED, but the two of them didnt push, they both know he'll throw a hissy fit at them, though its a bit pathetic really

Days went on with you and Gerald going out in secrecy

He always had an excuse to them, believeable enough so none if the other two knows about his affairs, well except Felix, he was being irrational and decided to follow Gerald, it wasnt a good idea sure but they have also done much more illegal things, so he followed the two of you quietly, disturbed he was having an affair, he was seething in jealousy by you, unable to believe such a petite woman would catch his heart, it made him go to Arthur and tell on him, by the time Gerald came back, they were already glaring at him, he knew he couldnt hide it any longer, so happens you followed him into the vault by secret

"I cannot believe you Gerald, after everything we've done for you?!" Felix yelled in anger "Its not like you helped me in my buisness either, Fickelgruber!" "How dare you use my last name you foul git! You-" Arthur split them apart "Thats enough of you Felix" He glares at Gerald "Though that doesnt excuse you from the conversation"

"Its still a fact you are incredibly lazy and an idiot at most, you cant even do anything without someone saying it!" Gerald rolled his eyes

"Youre the one to talk, youre bossing everyonr around like puppets!" He rebuttles

"Thats because you and Felix cant do anything in buisness, sure both of you are creative but you especially have no knowledge of putting it into action!" Your jaw drops at the sight, but you stay hidden for now

"Oh thats strong coming from you, you know nothing of anything else BUT buisness!" Felix yells

"Big talk from someone who pukes himself to death!" Gerald argues

"You have no say in this when you cant even do things correctly, not even helping your own mistress! All you can do is throw money at them!" Arthur yells at Gerald loudly

You tried to sneak away but Felix spotted you "And YOU, you can only pay rent because of his pathetic ass being your sugar daddy!" You gasped

"At least i dont use Gerald as a servant!" You yell at Felix "Oh please, dont even look decent for how much money he gives" Arthur said as he gestures to your clothes

"And you! You cant even go for what? A day without yelling at him from what i can tell! And at least i actually have a sense of fashion, not just "i am rich" as my whole personality!"

"Well you can hardly tell what a privliege is, and all you can do is whine to Gerald for money!" Felix spits out in jealousy

"Stop talking, you cant even feed yourself properly, Felix, Talk when you can actually take care of yourself, at least shes healtheir than you! Am surprused you can even do sex when youre a twig!" Gerald yells back

"AND you cant even go for one week without sex with Arthur!" You say with pure sass "And you! You may be strong but your ego is as week as Felix's self esteem! Gerald has every right to have an affair with your toxic asses!"

Arhur slaps you in anger, leaving a mark as red as a cherry, Gerald slaps Arthur back for hurting you. He slaps Gerald back much, MUCH harder, drawiing blood from a cut on his cheek, Felix crosses his arms and smirks in victory. You help Gerald get out of the vault, none of you speak afterwards except you and Gerald, the other two's whereabouts are unknown, Gerald is too hurt to care.

Previous Chapter

[awrkive]

hi dee! this is gonna be such a long message and i hope u read the entirety when you got time ♥️ english is not my first language so im sorry if this is not exactly cohesive.

ive been reading ffs since since 2017 and i really feel u came right out of the 2017-2020 era of bts x reader fanfic community bcs the way u write makes me reminisce about those times. idk if this is just me being picky, but i feel like fics nowadays are focusing too much on the smutty parts instead of actually building a world around their characters. and i dont usually mind smut or pwp fics, i enjoy them time to time. but the problem with it is that it's honestly all i ever see now, esp with jungkook fics.

it feels like no one really wants to write a proper fanfic anymore? some of my fave x reader authors before here are gukyi, vankoya, btsmeetsweevil, kpopfanfictrash, fortunexkookie, prolixitae and many more that i cant really name anymore – all of which have deactivated or inactive now – and one thing about them was that as much as they wrote smut, there was actually more to their stories.

and that is honestly what i feel about your writing. its so simple but so profound in a way? like its so easily digestible but the simplicity of it does not exactly equate to plainness? i feel like the trend of writing pwp is to gain more traction (which was also a trend back then, but not to the point of overpowering) but i love that you dont exactly succumb to that and instead take time to build the world of ur characters in such a way that makes me feel so connected to them.

i just LOVEE how u create these backstory for ur main leads. like with nb, we are witnessing two strangers getting along with each other slowly but surely, and with tlp, we are witnessing two best friends navigating a crucial point in their lives relating to romance between them. and the YEARNING, the LONGING, and just the TENSION that you make me feel with those? its just so incredibly insane. the giddiness of it all – you dont get that from fics who just go straight right into sex.

and i know its just fanfiction and its not supposed to be that deep, but tbh fanfic is just as much of a form of art as other "published books" – esp when theyre written so well like yours.

i apologize if this is coming off as a rant at this point. i think im just frustrated with the lack of creativity im seeing nowadays with bts fanfics all over tumblr thru ao3, and ig im just frustrated that i cant bring back the golden era of 2017-2019 (or 2020 if u will) anymore for fanfics. but thank you so much for reviving that feeling for me♥️ i also know youre busy with college and all that, and im really really greatful you lend time to share ur writing with us all for free ♥️ i really adore your talent!! i hope u write for a long time ♥️♥️

- 🌱

this has been sitting on my inbox for the past three days and ive honestly just been rereading and rereading this over and over again because im so incredibly touched?

i agree that 2017-2020 was the best era for x reader bts ff esp 2018. writers were really putting in the work, and i just love how you mentioned all those lovely people. miss guyi (gukyi), miss ivory (vankoya), and miss lu (prolixitae) were some of my favorite blogs here EVER and they wrote some of the best fanfics in my life that i still read over and over again up to this time. they were literally a few of my inspo to also write fanfic on my own – and im so glad u think that my writing can make u feel like the way u do when u read theirs, bcs that means a whole lot to me!!

the bts fanfic community has truly changed for the past few years. prob cos the fandom has grown bigger overtime and things will just never be the same as they were before. its a huge factor that the great ff writers before are busy with their adult lives now and even if i myself am not really that much into reading ffs anymore these days, i still believe we'll pick up being better on the oncoming years!!

and lastly ur english is great and thank you so Freaking MUCH for sending this in. i truly am so moved and touched by this message 🥹 i hope u are having a great day wherever u are 🌱 anon!!

[mackmp3]

TELL ME ABOUT ABIGAIL

OKAY OKAY :DD

abigail is a young adult novel written by hungarian author magda szabò in 1970 - as far as i know it's like a cult classic childhood foundation text in hungary but i dont know anyone from hungary so cant really confirm that

its about a young girl, gina, who's father is a military general in the second world war - he is sending her off to an incredibly strict boarding school all the way across the country. hungary was on the losing side of world war two. she of course, doesn't know this as it hasnt happened yet, and is mad about being sent away from her father. she's really quite pretentious and has a general attitude of superiority which leads to her being almost immediately ostracised by Everyone in her year. and i mean Everyone, all the other girls hate her. the title, Abigail, is the name of a statue in the grounds of the school, which all the girls think is some sort of magical being who helps them out in surprisingly tangible ways (gina of course thinks this is rubbish).

with the war looming over everyone, and surrounded by young girls who's lives are entirely the world of the Very insular school, and the elaborate fantasies in their minds of meeting a handsome boy and getting married, gina learns........ to be a nicer person is not a very good description of it?? like she Does learn how to respect other's feelings and relationships and people work, and is a lot more likeable at the end, but also how dangerous the world was for her.... like the character development is just sooooo so so so good ough. like the war was a nebulous concept for all the girls as the school in their very filtered view of it, whereas You The Audience know that her father is the general of an army working with nazis. she doesn't. usually i dont like wwii books because i dont want to read about war or nazis but they arent central to the story, just looming specters over it. haunting the narrative one might say. i don't mean to be offputting in this bit btw!!! just feel like i should mention

it does for sure have a somber tone, and it is a bit depressing, but that's not really the point? of the book?? like she is quite sad, but is a contemplative and atmospheric way, and it isnt brushed aside as 'teenage sullenness' but also isn't dragged out for no reason, its very very well written. i don't remember the exact content for warnings or anything, but even though it does have a dark tone, nothing horrific happens - sad, not horror in any way.

but yeah i really really liked gina, even though she is Awful nearer the start of the book, there's a sort of spark in her, and i loved her rebellion and then later her contemplative moments and oagsiasiahiun i think i might go reread this rn..........

[jazz-kitty]

1, 2 , 7, 8 :3

1. favorite character[s]

ive already talked about kenneth and flora BUT! runner up is cera i think. i haven't seen her in a million years but that's okay. i think she's incredibly fucked up and i want to get her #OUT of her mental and also physical ice prison.

im preddyyyyyyy sure rn that angie is a fucked up cursed version of anju, but as "angie" she still made a servant. it just happens to be in the image of cella- taking some of her likeness & kind of her name- because even deep down the fragments of anju in angie still cares for cella. but i dont actually know. i think her dedication to angie is super fucked up and interesting though. angie doesn't care whether her meat homunculus made of illegal magic lives or dies, but cera is also so incredibly willing to lay down her life for her boss that somehow it works out. well. hopefully it stops working out bc i want cera to be able to live for herself but. AH! not much to say since it all happened like six chapters ago now sicne anyones even thought of cera but i still spin her aorund in my brain bc she's epic as hell. my friend said her ace was a morpeko :(((( thats so CUTE!!!

2. least favorite character[s]

i don't like saki or karen. what do you do when a character for most of their screentime is intended to be comedic relief and then you just don't find them funny. i feel like such a nerd but i just don't think they have jokes and theres not much else to like about them ToT at least as it stands. idk. even then i'll still draw both of them no problem i am not exactly a professional at disliking characters. my main issue with them is that they don't appeal to my sense of humor and if i'm drawing & writing them they do. so. problem solved?

erick is also kind of up there but he stays in his lane over in poison type gearen city [forgot the actual name] so he doesn't bother me as much. plus he has cat ears so he gets bonus points.

7. favorite friendship[s]

patty & cera have they ever talked? NO! have they ever talked about each other? NO! in a hypothetical situation, would it be kind of cute? YEAH!

for ones that r actually on screen though. i loveee neved & nastasia. even if it was just 1 conversation, i love their dynamic. the two most mature [AUTHORS NOTE: does not mean they are mature. just means they are not zetta geara or madelis] xen members havin a little chat and i'm TUNED IN!!!! and their shared affection for ren is so cute. they both know it's a bad idea and they BOTH tell each other it's a bad idea, and then immdiately just go Anyways, because they r BOTH going to continue caring about ren anyways. whateverrr. i think it's cute.

honorable mention delpha and adam. theyr eso sweet. they love each otherrrrrrrr they make fun of each other so much but they would kill someone for each otherrr <3

8. favorite family dynamic

florin and flora you're so. i talk about them too much. florin disowning flora after finding out she's in bladestar is soooo. oh my goodness! and then trying to get her the death penalty too!!! i think about how after florin says that he just wishes flora would trust him more- that he's there for her, if only she'd let him be- flora says THIS

its so. god dude. i feel like it's not just that flora was leading bladestar, but selfishly- florin cares more about the fact that flora never told him about it. and its soooo. oh my god. both of them care[d] about the other so much but are far too fucked up to ever be able to show it. flora feels like she's the only one who can ever get her job done- especially after rune turned her down- and she wants to keep florin SAFE by keeping him out of everything. and florin just wants to BE THERE for his SISTER!!! without understanding until darchlight cave why she's making it so difficult to!!! god!!! it's so evil how many times things could've gotten better and how many chances flora had to just let her brother love her and how every single time she refuses and florin gets pushed a little closer to the edge of a metaphorical cliffside. me when im in a lack of communication challenge and my opponent is flora who thinks letting her brother think she hates him and actively trying to get him to hate her is the simplest way to handle things. i hate rejuv

[rush-the-stars]

idk what kinds horror in a/b/o you mean, but i immediately thought about the subtle horror in this reylo fic called "Until You" by ever-so-reylo on ao3 (sorry if you dont like reylo. i dont. but i recognize reylo authors can be BEASTS and i just use cognitive dissonance if i need it) where it's like.. horror in the sense of how society limits and treats omegas and it's all very normalized. like the fic describes a marriage pathway, alarms on doors, omegas cant be present to hear the results of their own doctor appointment, how not getting pregnant is reason for annulment, and so on, and it's just so wildly subtle in how horrific itd be to live like this and i think the scariest part is, in parts of this world rn, there are places where women are treated very similarly to this. it's a one-shot and not super long, and Kylo/Ben/whoever isnt a dickbag or anything, he treats Rey well, and the author is good about making a distinction between "this is how it is here" and "that doesnt mean its good or ideal or warranted" which i think just adds to the horror kinda sorta, i dunno, i could see you having fun writing about a similar kinda world

regardless, id love to hear more about how youd wanna add further horror to a/b/o, bc what i was talking about was Handmaid's Tale-adjacent (not that i like Handmaid's Tale bc the author's a fucking terf and also, m'am, that IS how the world is like for many woc in various parts of the world, it isnt "even more horrifying" having it happen to white women too jfc idk if it counts as "apocalyptic" if its happening here and now and no one seems to care tho; but you get what i mean when i name-drop it however. anyway. i digress) and im curious if you mean in a monster-fucker way or sex pollen way or what, i find the concept of a/b/o + horror fascinating so, again, id LOVE to hear more pls ♡

firstly anon thank you for coming into my inbox and taking the time to share all this with me!! it is greatly appreciated!!

now to get into this!! i’m gonna put this under a cut w some warnings just in case!!

cw: sexism, mentions of violence against women/feminist horror, reylo (LMAO SORRY), a/b/o, uh romantic cannibalism, blood

i am so sorry anon i detest reylo lol. and sorry if anyone follows me and likes them </3

also i think this is very fascinating that i mentioned horror and your mind jumped to what is essentially feminist horror! not a bad thing—just something observed!!

i personally read a lot of horror outside of fanfiction and i read a lot of feminist horror specifically. or i see or have been apart of plays/theater works/etc. that feature feminist/gender horror in various ways. i write short stories that are not fanfic about this topic as well, so with fanfic, i tend to avoid this a great deal! it’s an incredibly heavy topic and for a whole year last year, i had surrounded myself in it (and acted in shows where stage violence was enacted on me by men, acted in roles where i was often in distress because of male characters, acted in emotionally straining and difficult scenes) and realized i was actually…very drained. and learned what i liked to see in these stories and what i thought was needless violence against women reiterated again and again as torture porn of some kind. but long story short, fanfic was a reprieve of that for me!!

(i know you’re thinking—but cielo! you seem to love yandere content! and you are right! but i think all my yan content i enjoy is seeped in a warped love rather than a gendered violence. not that both can’t exist. it’s sticky.)

more than that, i am also interested in a/b/o that breaks gender constructs and dynamics in ways and is not just an afab omega enduring societal and personal violence!

the horror i was mentioning more i think had to do with body horror, possession (as in, almost…demonic. spiritual.), etc.! romance as a horror. (“but the horror? the horror was for love”)

blood lust being tied to heats/ruts. an omega, feverish and in heat, slick with blood and wild eyed. some romantic cannibalism with the way a bite is for claiming. it’s vampiric. it’s a devouring.

it’s a conjoining. a possession. two souls being forcibly twisted together. the horror of having only one true mate that you cannot choose. that is, for better or for worse, only yours. the horror of not just being yourself anymore, but someone else and vice versa. your uncontrollable “other half”.

sublime heats/ruts where you cannot tell what is real or not, shaky snapshots of mind melting ache and pain, only relieved by one person. hallucinations or ailments that come from deeply lonely and isolated omegas and alphas. nightmares when it reaches a fever pitch.

omegas with needle sharp teeth and so much hunger that need to feed and take relentlessly from alphas. omegas and alphas with eyes that glow in the dark and watch too keenly.

rituals where heats/ruts are watched, the horror of bareness and vulnerability. the horror of being an animal in a human skin. of your own desire or pleasure.

also just the horror of being dependent on someone. of needing someone so greatly you’ll be sick with it. the horror of being powerless to their love. the horror of their power over you. or yours over them.

the twisted care. i am interested in strange/more uncommon dynamics; alphas who are nurturing and motherly in awful ways. who hand feed and coddle and smother. omegas who are possessive and violent towards other alphas or omegas.

i just think there is A LOT that could be played with. thought of. messed around with.

i also think we don’t see enough historical au with a/b/o….i’m thinking also gothic-style. western man vs. nature. cowboy a/b/o…victorian…ancient civilization….etc.

anyways, i hope you don’t take this as me like scolding you or hating on what you’ve said in any way—defs not that!! i just had a different sort of horror in mind!! like i said, fanfic for me is all about romance at its core! it’s a reprieve and escape from the work and art that often is very serious and heavy (whether feminist/gender horror, capitalist horror, etc. etc.) that i usually spend my time creating or apart of in my day to day life! it’s deeply important work to me, just not something i wanna do here really!!

[blackkatmagic]

kat you cant keep doing this to me (making incredible fics). i writing this cause of the new updates but trust me none of this praise is new.

My fatal flaw as a consumer of fan content is that im really bad with names, so i always have trouble keeping track of my favorite fics and their authors. I try my best, but its not something im good at :/ blackkat however!!!!!! I read your work long before star wars, and once that became your primary fandom (which i didnt share) i stopped following you. When i got into star wars out of nowhere, i stumbled across the lightning fic (bad at names again, im sorry, the feral/wolffe one) and loved it. I saw your name, and it was the fandom equivalent of realizing your high school neighbor is working in the cubicle next to yours despite you both moving across the country.

your writing is so distinct in characterization, tone, and style that i feel like i can always tell its you. You are so creative and clever, and you build plots thats are so good oh my god,,,,, i start the fic thinking the premise is top tier then suddenly you remix it with a second even better premise (the heartstill fic - starts with fake marriage then suddenly weve crashlanded on a sith planet. the footprints fic - starts with (the idea of) anakin’s trial, then book theres an eldritch tentacle monster). Im always on the edge of my seat for what kind of story youre gonna set up next.

Another thing i love is your character writing!! even when the fics are completely different in tone, genre, style, etc the core of the characters feels so distinct. Even when your characters are being put in situations their canon counterparts would never have to go through, you somehow make their actions (which may on paper seem to be slightly oc) feel like the most natural thing in the world. Your take on mace windu is very different from what we see on screen, but ive never once thought that his actions in ur fics dont make sense. even between fics, the characters feel like the same character. Comparing Heartstill and the time travelling fives fic, your mace windu feels like the same guy. Not to mention the characters youve built from basically nothing like jon antilles

(Feel free to take the appreciation and ignore this part! But if you dont mind, could you define an emoji comment? Is something like “extra kudos!” grouped in with that? I dont want to step on any toes and my anxiety has me overthinking it.)

(An emoji comment is just a comment that consists solely of emojis, like someone who just leaves a heart or a smiley on every chapter. Extra kudos comments are fine.)

[lennjamin-o7]

🌯🗡️ anon here! Ok I know I was here earlier but like as I said I've been rereading and like I'm being infected with even more brain rot. I was like too excited and I was worried I'd forget about it when the next update comes so I just decided I'd put the little detailed I noticed in here too because I just like NEED you to know that like I've noticed these little treats you've scattered in.

Ok so the first bit I noticed was Tech saying "I'm getting what I wanted so should I really question it?" that's gonna bite him in the ass so fucking viciously. Like yeah bro, you're gonna get that life of freedom in the woods you'll just get a whole new dad along with it and a change in title!

Oh also the smaller things with Phil that like mix in with like fae folklore!! I love them!! I am eating them up at the speed of light like the small things that get dotted in there. "You can call me Phil" instead of "my name is" since bro cant lie, him wording things differently / weird because because he doesn't wanna tell the truth but he also cant lie so he puts in little half truths. The honey stick!! bro loves honey (as most fae do) and then immediately popped in a tiny little deal with Tech.

Oh also the exchange when Tech first saw him by the cart, where like Phil was talking about the deal and stuff and saying that it's all gone to hell and like Tech tried reassure him with the pear bit and like taking what's left and then turning it into something to benefit him better. Tech might as well have just handed over the adoption papers and a pen for Phil unknowingly lmao

Oh and Tech like nearly slipping up a bunch with the names on top of like unknowingly giving the trophy hubby of the queen of fae like gifts and then happily accepting gifts in return! OH and Phils little ominous like responses when Tech mentions his family and then having lots of things to worry about!! Its all gold and I love it all!!

As well as Phil being like 'dont share my totally not magical cookies' while i like to imagine Tech already plotting giving one to Carl; I just have a feeling that Carls gonna be like a hidden big plot point or something, good for him tbh. Oh and like the crows turning up along with phil a bunch!

I also LOVE how naïve Tech is, like "huh this guy looks super familiar, I feel like I've heard about him before, oh only the queens husband really hangs around birch forests? shame I haven't bumped into him in this birch forest you've been hanging out in! That's a super cool crow I saw earlier, what a coincidence it is that these 'special' cookies you made me also have a crow on them! They're special because specifically YOU made them and you don't want me to share them? that's wild, thanks for the gift bro I really appreciate them! damn I'm super tired after you told me to go to sleep, guess I didn't realise how tired I was!" Like Tech when you finally connect the dots you're gonna be so upset with yourself lmao.

I love that it feels like super real too! Like when you already know Phil's a devious old man its so clear but like if you sit down and think about it from Techs perspective, its so clear that he just wouldn't connect those dots! Like bro Phil could've probably told me he was the queens hubby and I would've thought he was making a weird joke so like yeah ofc Tech wouldn't immediately clock that Phil is the queens hubby because why would he? he's just a strange guy who was stranded by the road!

Anyway I'm sorry for writing you like a bonus novel of my thoughts but like I am just gobbling all these little scraps of lore and worldbuilding up! I feel like a lot of readers will enjoy stuff and then never like tell the author like how fucking good that stuff is so I'm making up for all those people who will enjoy things and notice things but never say it! As always, have an even nicer day then the one I wished you had a few hours ago!

Never apologize for filling my inbox with brainrot. I love it 💚💚💚💚💚.

Techno is 13 and incredibly sheltered. He just wants to go out and look at some trees. Maybe some squirrels. Giant birds. The kid is not going to look the gift horse in the mouth, he just wants to SEE things. And yeah, definitely gonna come back to bite. The gift horse might have been a trojan horse. But he's having fun. He can't be bothered with being safe.

He can call him Phil until the time comes that he can call him Dad. Very simple. And yep, Phil does not lie. It is so fun writing a deceitful character who doesn't lie.

Honeystick idea came from my friend @l1m30. I was originally going to have Techno and the guards drink tea, but have Techno not like tea and just pour sooo much sugar in it. And then offer Phil some of his sugar instead of honey. But Limbo talked about eating honey sticks and I thought "😀 That's much better!" And yeah, Techno is agreeing to so many deals without realizing it. Phil is sneaky.

Oh yeah, Techno was just trying to comfort Phil. And he did. He just signed himself up to be PEARed with Phil for all eternity. The pair isn't perfect, but it still Jams well together. :D but yes, that whole part is fun to write. Techno is just thinking literally, Phil is complaining about the difficulties with the broken adoption system.

Yep. To be fair, he was only going to use their nicknames. But he is only supposed to use those WITH his family, not to others. It wouldn't have been catastrophic, but he HAS gotten in trouble for that before so he is a bit more careful.

Gift giving! Like a real family!! 😀 How much of yourself are you willing to give, Techno??

Oh, had Phil not said anything Carl would have ABSOLUTELY gotten a cookie delight. 100%. Carl is spoiled. He deserves to be spoiled. But Techno would have probably shared them with other people without that promise, and Phil gave those to TECHNO. No regifting.

I've tried very hard to make Phil's fae nature obvious for readers, but plausibly deniable for Techno. Like, c'mon, how many people are blonde with blue eyes? It doesn't mean anything. His ears are normal and he doesn't have wings! And so what if he is hanging around an unnatural forest! I am also going through an unnatural forest! And I'm not suspicious! And it was like 2am, I guess it makes sense I would be tired. I mean, Skeppy is over there drooling on Bad. Probably just didn’t notice. Sugar crash or something.

I loved every moment of this. Please do not apologize. I loved loved loved it.

[meatriarch]

same anon that was talking about raph earlier but if you’re comfortable with it i’m just being curious about him. did he have a fascination with the ocean when he was younger and that’s why he wanted to do underwater welding or was that a direction someone pointed him to? has he ever wanted to get any tattoos? what type of music does he like (doesn’t have to be time period related because if i could i’d introduce the lad to korn)

oh id love to yap more about my son, nonnie! ♡ thankyou for sending these!!

so raph initially started here as danilo ( now his middle name ) or, my version of danny gaines. and partly due to that and bc while i dont necessarily outright ship danny x julie i did attribute both pre-raph dan & julie to ocean aesthetics together! where julie was more those bright, soft blue shorelines and coral reefs and gentle crashing waves to raphs' harsher storms at sea, the dark depths below the surface, the unknown and unpredictability that comes with descending deeper into the darkening blue.

now that i have him separated from that tie back to gaines and hes an oiriginal character in his own right? his connection to the ocean i feel came from when his mom was still in the picture. raph is mexican-colombian and most of his maternal side of the family lives there still, hes never met them. but i imagine they live close along the coastlines of colombia - possibly around / nearby barranquilla! but i imagine his mom used to tell him all sorts of stories from home, of the beaches and the seaports, of the magdalena river ( smiles in maria alias mention ), all kinds of things. i think part of him, as much as raph puts on a good stone-face and doesnt show or speak on his family alot - i do think he misses his mom, more than he lets on. and the ocean in part is a small reconnect back to her, the family he never got to know, the younger half-sister he only recently found out about before the house events happened.

i think those connections drew him to the ocean first and foremost. and then, after graduating hs, which he just managed to given his history, he didnt feel confident he would make it into any proper university, like maria did. he didnt trust that his past wouldnt bite him in the ass. so, when he gotten information on trade schools, he went that route. and when he saw mentions about welding generally? that caught his attention. the port & underwater welding came after that, and although it drives him away from the flores', although it draws him hours from austin & his friends, he found a love in what he did with his trade. he enjoys it, it has the potential to earn real good. hes found something that to him, gives him purpose to a point. its something hes achieving, something he can be proud of for himself. and something that, though he doesnt admit it, makes him incredibly happy when he hears those same sentiments from maria, from ana, from mama flores. from their friends.

so i think its a mix of both! he had a pull to the sea bc of his mom as a way to connect back to her, even subconsciously. and was specifically pointed towards underwater welding as he was looking at different trades to work towards instead of fighting to get accepted into a uni!

he does have some tattoos!! i do fear i may have to go looking for specific ones to kinda reference to but! he has bergamot flowers on his left shoulder silhouetting an elk - which, elks have several meanings / myths regarding topics like strength, endurance, survival, protection, and devotion even if it brings death. bergamots are often used as a reminder that you, alone, are the only authority over your life. it serves to reaffirm to the receiver that they are empowered to their own free will as they navigate through life. and its a flower that maria, when he was released from juvie following his arrest in his teens had added into a 'welcome home!' type-bouquet she'd picked to give him when he got out. they're now a reminder for himself to keep that meaning in mind. his right arm also has a somewhat more light-hearted possum tattoo. he likely has more but those are some of his more notable ones ^_^

and for music yesssss!!!! raph would definitely listen to korn LMAO he's got at least one of their songs on one of his playlists im sure! he's definitely more inclined towards rock / metal / etc than anything! ^_^ which bc im silly & like to share, i'll list some of his playlists here :

mixtape - what plays through his radio. ode to maria - to be as soft as you. general raph vibes - throat-torn dog. dire verse - choke chained.

& then for the real funsies of it all,

raph & johnnys friendship vibes - raphjohnathan. all the boys - boys night!

raph is generally the kind that listens to rock but also especially angry rock LMAO guy uses it to yknow. let off steam without punching something.... or.. someone-

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde

Act 5, page 3896-3904

TG: i remember waking up here

TG: after getting shot

TT: Yes.

TT: What else?

TG: then the cage bunny came

TG: he gave us the bomb

TG: whered he go anyway

TT: She's around.

TG: the bunnys a she

TT: Her name is Liv Tyler.

TG: dumb

TT: Take it up with John.

TT: What else?

TG: we were talking about who should go

TT: Do you remember what we decided?

TG: no

TG: wait

TG: wasnt i going to go

TG: is that what happened did i go and now im dead

TT: Not quite.

TG: whats not quite

TG: that i didnt go or that im not dead

TT: Do you remember anything else?

TG: no

TT: What about why you went to fight Jack?

TG: sure

TG: i did that

TG: because i wanted to

TG: and because i was supposed to

TT: Are you sure?

TG: yeah i saw my future self fighting him so obviously that had to happen or else id be dead anyway

TG: without even getting the satisfaction of standing up to him

TT: So was your decision a result of desire or obligation?

TG: hard to explain

TG: with all the time shit going on

TG: i dont try to understand your light shit do i

TT: I don't know much about the Light Shit, to be honest.

TT: I may have missed my chance to figure it out.

TG: havent we had this conversation already

TT: Mostly.

TT: I'm doing what I can to jog your memory.

TG: its jogging i guess

TG: its manboobs are jiggling a little

TT: Nice.

TT: So what about Jade?

TG: what

TT: You didn't tell her your expedition with her would result in your death, let alone one she'd inadvertently cause.

TT: Or that she'd be stuck with the job of resuscitating you. Did you?

TG: what am i really supposed to say

TG: hey were gonna hunt frogs til you shoot me through the jack

TG: then i die and youve got to make out with me

TG: that kind of changes how the whole thing goes doesnt it

TT: Not if you're "supposed to," right?

TG: what does that even mean

TT: I guess you're right. No reason to make an effort to empathize if doing so comes at the price of oblivion.

TG: wtf

TT: It must be comforting to have your ASPD tacitly supported by predestination.

TG: aspd

TT: Antisocial personality disorder.

TG: oh no

TG: this conversation just got bumrushed by a mudslide of fucking awful

TT: It wasn't already awful, believing you might be dead?

TG: you dont know anything

TG: about what i was feeling or what happened on lofaf

TG: you were all pavement faced and babbling your throefester speak and flipping off the shit with your own crazy deathwish thing why do you think you know what was going through my head

TG: youre just assuming and throwing around psyche buzzwords like aspd complex disorder

TT: So it's a disorder, a complex, and then a disorder again for good measure?

TG: in your case probably

TT: Sounds like a positively delirious state of existence.

TG: its some delirious biznasty alright

TT: Oh... snap?

TG: yes ima authorize a GOD DAMN you may swipe it at the door to check yourself into the burn ward

TT: Might you loosen the purse strings on an "Oh no he didn't?"

TG: nah those are kept in emergency reserve for yo mama jokes from the 90s

TG: anyway

TG: im telling you if i said anything at all about it she probably doesnt even fire her gun once and all im doing is dragging her into a doomed timeline with me

TT: I guess I'm learning to be impressed by your sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune. It's a strange case of inspiration through futility.

TG: none of this is that big a deal

TG: i just mentioned the basics to her

TG: that id stop time traveling soon

TG: break out of the loops

TG: not have to wonder all the time if i was taking a wrong turn and dooming everybody

TG: i was never that cool with this

TT: With what, exactly?

TG: you know how you turned out to be this incredibly shitty seer of light and basically failed at that in every way imaginable

TT: Hey!

TG: well maybe i never wanted to be a knight of time

TG: maybe id rather just be like

TG: the dave of guy

TG: you know just some dude

TT: These really do not sound like the words of someone ready to face his own death.

TT: The kind you don't wake up from, I mean.

TG: i guess not

TG: guess i failed my quest then

TG: so im like

TG: now what bitches

TG: to nobody in particular i guess

TT: The unseen bitches callously conspiring to expect greatness from you?

TG: yes those exact bitches

TT: If that's how you feel,

TT: Then why did you insist on going on the mission to deliver The Tumor?

TT: Black-and-whitened for giant yin-yang bomb.

TG: oh yeah

TG: i remember that now

TG: then i guess thats what happened

TG: i delivered the bomb and now i must be dead

TT: Are you sure?

TG: is that wrong

TT: Maybe you should try to answer the question. Why did you want to go?

TG: because i made the map so i know how to get there better

TT: But it seems simple enough. A set of bearings to follow.

TT: See? The application pilots the moon. Change course when necessary. Anyone can do it, really.

TT: We talked about this. Debated, if you recall.

TG: ok if you remember it all so clearly why are you grilling me on this shit

TG: will you just tell me whats going on

TT: I'm just seeing if you can remember. And if you're sticking to your story, about why you should be the one to go.

TG: well i am

TG: because i should

TG: or should have

TG: man what the fuck is going on

TG: am i dead or are you dead or what

TT: You're almost there, really. Just try to remember a little more.

TT: What happened after we decided you'd go?

TG: uh

TG: oh yeah

TG: we were trying to figure out a way to detach the moon

TG: so i could pilot it out there

TG: fly it into the sun

TG: but the chain was huge

TG: couldnt think of how to break it

TG: then out of nowhere this sword appears in the thing

TG: so im thinking obviously i have to break the sword somehow

TG: because thats all i fucking do is break swords

TG: but as im thinking of how to do it i put my hand on it

TG: and it just snaps off with this comical shattering noise

TG: like i just fucked up some priceless shit in the louvre

TG: see like that

TG: like i did again just there with my hand

TG: cause of dreambubbles

TG: remember when that happened

TT: Mm hm.

TG: then i took it and sliced the chain

TG: like this

TG: damn

TG: it still cuts like its plowing through a shaft of boneless zombie meat

TT: Careful.

TT: I just managed to quell my appetite after all that burger talk.

TG: whoops

TG: yeah

TG: so then

TG: the moon started drifting away

TG: and i was going to fly up

TG: and take it to the sun

TG: and i said something to you

TG: or i was going to

TG: like say bye or something

TG: but you were just standing there not saying anything

TG: holding that ball of yarn

TG: and then

TG: oh

TG: god thats right

TG: come on

TG: knocking me out so you can steal the suicide mission

TG: god dammit

TG: that is so trite

TT: I really am sorry for that.

TG: its like

TG: heres how bad this is

TG: were are basically bruce willis and ben affleck from johns shitty crappy movie

TG: you made this even more armageddon than it already was

TG: sealing me in the air lock so i can go home to liv tyler and have the most terrible babies with her

TT: If it's any consolation, Liv Tyler came with me on the suicide mission.

TG: the bunny or the actress

TT: Which would make you feel better?

TG: you not knocking me out with a ball of fucking yarn is fucking what

TT: If I could have chosen a method of sparing your life you might have found more awesome, I would.

TT: Is there an "ironic" way to do that?

TG: this probably comes close but that doesnt make it not lame as hell

TT: Does it matter if I took some personal satisfaction seeing you fall unconscious at the gentle glance of a soft cotton globe?

TG: its cool you are so tickled by this i hope it brought you a lot of rad laughs on your way to go fucking explode

TT: ...

TG: so thats it

TG: im actually lying here on derse asleep

TG: and you went out there and blew up the sun

TG: and now youre dead and im dream chilling with your smug ghost

TT: Yes to the first part.

TG: so youre not dead

TT: Not yet.

TG: then youre dreaming

TG: what youre taking a little nap on the moon in the middle of nowhere

TT: Afraid not!

TT: I am wide awake.

[rewritingcanon]

i just want to add to this a little (everything op said is completely valid and real, btw), just on the point of how creators for the marauders fandom are either specifically praised or shunned. it is insane the amount of criticism i’ve seen on works (mostly fanfics as i interact with them the most) that are bashing a fic or EVEN THE AUTHOR because they aren’t characterising someone to their liking.

this is real for the hp fandom in general, but seeing as its so normalised (at least i see it personally more often) in the marauders fandom, its just a whole other layer of out of touch.

characters from the marauders era have very little canon evidence on them, save from a select few. some of your favs are only mentioned a few times in the series, some only once. so there literally is no ‘right way’ to characterise them (and even if there was, its fanfic, which deviates from canon inherently, so its not even that big of a deal if your personal version of them was canon).

there’s this joke going around in the marauders fandom, where they call popular and well-loved fics ‘canon.’ there begins a whole sub fandom off that one fic, as if its actually canon. its a joke but i think people have actually internalised it and started judging other works to a certain standard that has become multiplied across the fandom. i dont want to name names of fics, but i’ve seen people comment on others work that this gives them *insert popular marauders fic* vibes. it can be taken well by some, but others may just find it incredibly disheartening, because it is to an extent. which is why, as op said, its so hard for smaller marauder creators to be interacted with.

this fandom can be really egotistical at times tbh. now that zar has stepped back from the fandom, people are more worried about not being able to read their fics anymore, rather then their well-being (i've literally seen people BEGGING on tiktok for docs of their writing,,, they literally took down their fics because they were not comfortable with people reading them anymore (you are crossing boundaries, people!),,, get a grip).

known fandom authors / fanart artists are put on a pedestal and treated like a celebrity and like they hold the almighty truth. you do realize that these people that give you content through your devices are people too, right? they go grocery shopping and they listen to music and they go to sleep the same way that you do, and just because they happened to blow up on xyz platform does not give anyone the right to cross their boundaries and ask things from them literally just because.

and don't get me wrong, i love it that people enjoy reading and looking at fanart and whatnot, but it's important that the creator feels the same way, because you can't have an enjoyable fandom experience if people constantly ask things for you and criticize your work to bits. you don't like the way someone wrote a certain character or a certain scene or anything else? do it yourself, or look for something that has specifically what you are looking for. stop demanding things from artists, and don't pressure them into doing things they don't want to. you have to realize that these people create content for free and put it out for people to enjoy. for free. and yet people are still ungrateful and hateful of content they paid nothing to see.

a thing that fandoms in general seem to not grasp is that content creators likely create content the way they see it and the way they like it, because they like it. if you don't like it, it's that easy to click off instead of sending hate mail and of demanding a certain thing be written / drawn the way you see it. and it's one thing to request something, and one thing to demand / pressure someone into something.

recently, so many people are driven away / taking a break from this fandom for this exact reason. popular content creators are praised to the point that the people who consume their art seem to believe that they are not human anymore, and unpopular content creators are driven away because nobody engages with their creations. don't get me wrong, engage with whatever you want, but it's disheartening, seeing people be acclaimed while nobody interacts with you.

(also, @sunshinemarauders did a thesis on the subject of harassment and this kind of behavior in fandom, and the rates are absolutely alarming. for more insight on their research, you can check their account to see the data and the conclusions.)

like previously mentioned, fandom is supposed to be an enjoyable experience and some people are ruining the fun of other people. stop it. please realize that your actions have consequences.