#they dont eben trust me or believe me anymore
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March 2005
March 2, 2005
alive and (un)well. just being melodramatic when it's completely unnecessary. got blue pill eyes behind black eyelids. my mind is running but more like in place, kind of how life is. you wouldn't understand what i mean. you and they have been here before but it isn't the same for me. and trying to explain anything is just leaving me with a dry mouth and sore shoulders and you shaking your head (not in disagreement but more like disbelief). "mellow out"- but thats been the problem all along, at least it's eben one of them. i feel like a nocturnal animal in the zoo at 12 noon. me turning away from you so you don't see my eyes when im walking out the door when im waving my hand back and forth and saying "i'm doing so-so" cause thats what i think someone "regular" would say. you saying " shake it off get back in the game kid. we're gonna be okay"- but trailing off in a whisper cause i know you dont even believe yourself. the volume goes with the truth. naivetey feels very strange on me but is as warm as the shyness that comes with it. you'd never guess that. new york transit love affair. the veins going underneath the streets that feel so foreign yet endearing. it's not charm, i just don't get it. trust me (but not really). couch living (dead) has me hanging onto phone lines. darling, i'm not making sense and my throat is sore- maybe at least you know i mean it. dreading when your voicemail as it clicks on. and on and on and on. its me logging off.
see you on tour soon. new clandestine merch over at your local hottopic.
- petey
March 11, 2005
and sometimes all the lit houses i walk by, im just dying to be inside
set this record straight- i've been getting lots of emails lately- the song "dance, dance" out there right now is NOT the version that will be on the record. it is a demo, so take it for what it is.
the song "hand of god" out there will not be on the record. it is NOT because island wouldnt let it be there. but because we thought it wasn't good enough- the line "im sick of always writing songs for you to slit your wrists to" can be taken for how it is- i dont want to just write songs to make one girl miserable anymore.
"sugar we're going down" can currently be heard on 89x and q101 so listen for it there.
keep your eyes on the clock, we're trying to be too predictable.
we have all new merch and we're ready to see you, playing some new songs, i'm so glad to be back and playing shows again, grab tickets before they sell out....
come by the book signings and say hi so i wont be lonely.
we've got some exciting stuff coming up this fall.
sorry for the boring entry. also being back on the road i need some good music to listen to- start a messageboard topic- bands pete needs to hear- and tell me some good unsgined bands i need to hear.
peterabbit
March 13, 2005
love is just going on because. we're trying to get real. my bunk feels like a coffin but my corpse deserves a parade around the country. wearing makeup cause she said i was pretty in it but i know im just d(sh)ying. here's to spring cleaning (up all the messes we made over winter). ive got new habits and loves including: words all over again, bloody lips, and fuck offs. "9 weeks can't change you". but you don't even get it. words just love me more. no worries though. you: "damn kid you just look so sad". me: "....". but im changing. get (re)born. i dont want this anymore.
drive me dead.
get busy living or get busy dying.
peter
- petey
March 21, 2005
come on,save me
why we are where we are. sitting at a hotel in tempe arizona. i havent been able to get on the internet in forever and i lost my sidekick. it's okay to cry for me, there is already a WAAAAHmbulance on the way. my clothes are dirty, so is my body- i havent slept in days but i am the happiest i have been in awhile- being on tour feels so good. shows are at their best. you kids look so goddamned good. i was out of my head for awhile but im back.
i know there are gonna be some growing pains next year- i just wanted to personally thank you guys for sticking with us. it makes us feel so much less awkward. i have been in your position where a band i loved that noone knew about started to get some attention. but i just wanted to let you know that i personally and as a band we focused on writing a record for those who believed in fall out boy from the beginning and not to impress anyone else. we will never bend or do something that we wouldnt do anyway. thats a promise and if you have ever met us you know that it's (we're) true. also, the deal with the signings at the shows- it is something our label does in order to sell records- meeting 2000 kids a night would be impossible but we want to meet and see our friends as much as possible. we still hang around venues and are out behind every venue- come find us and say hi even if you dont pick up the cd. sorry, i will write a better entry later. oh yeah, to all the emailers- to save you the time, yes i am losing it.
all in all. this is the best time of our lives- all thanks only to you. words couldnt explain. thank you so much..
peterpan
basement days
attic nights
its not so much that theres something wrong with me
as there is nothing right
got some books on the floor
they’re holding up my standards
swore myself off of you
but I don’t do too well with ultimatums
March 22, 2005
love doesnt mean a thing if its not leaving us light headed- all my headaches are in my chest for you now.
- petey
March 31, 2005
keep the gossip alive in '05
sometimes doors a closed to keep secrets out not to keep them in.
this tour is the best we have ever been on. its like a family. we were nervous about headlining- thanks for making us feel at home.
ive been thinking lots about people i shouldn't be...
lets move far away from their whispers and looks.
but mostly i heart nick scimeca.
im
(not)
just a boy
with
bad ideas.
peterpan
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aside from that i keep feeling this weird. generalized insecurity. appearance wise.? ive never teally considered my appearance ever since like 7th gradei dont think. but its slightly. affecting me. i dotn knoe why im being insecure? ant why now??? maybe its the thing where i dont feel like i am. attractive perchance. it keeps aidinf into the thing of like. he likes me??? maybe its because i think hes so pretty to me. appearance was never truly an aspect in my eyes but hes just so gorgeous jt neger leaves my mind. perhaps im insecure ab that. and perhaps im neber truly going to beat the ed allegations because mayhe i am focusing on my weight agajn slightly. im trying to fight it i swear, it jsut pops into my head and i fuck myself over by checking my weight every so often. as slightly upset as i was over my mom starting to lock her door (half of it affecting me as in . the conversation i pverheard that day that ruined my relationship eith my mom for the second time, or the other half where i just cant weigh myself) its so odd. perhaps my lhpne too. the horrible camera quality?? idk. just feeling veey odd lately. like i am the ugliest person pn the planetfor no reason but i dont believe anyone is truly ugly. its just so. odd.? its not even a dysphoria thing thjs tjme its jhst. me. me hating myself again for no reason. god forbid im too insecure,,
its just like. god. i want to be evrrything for him. i cant truly elaborate nor explain how truly infatuated i am with him. fhe shit id sacrifice. how i want to spend truly every moent eith him. how id drop anything and everythint in a heart beat to just be there. but then i feel so selfish. i feel like too much and j feel insecure and i cant fight the feeling. its horrible rifht now because im jist. laying here. in his hoodie. typing. listening to my tweaking playlist but not crying anymore. i just. want to be there. as selfish as it sounds i just want to be there right now because i want to hug him. i want him to tell me ill be okay and im not selfish or a burden. that im okay to feel things. that i can be vulnerable with him and id truly believe it without a doubt in my mind. to just cry. and feel it. to be treated with a gentleness ive never experienced before. to be comfortable. he fills me with a comfort ive never felt before yet im so scared to embrace it whole heartedly. im afraid. im always so scared and im sick of it, but i cant stop feeling that way. to trust him as blindly as i did with jd because i know he truly cares im just. so scared pf driving him away.? god forbid i am truly selfish and horrible at my core , he just doesnt know it yet anf im scared to show that. scared to show who i am truly. but then i think ablut it and rationalize and realizd no im not horrible? but i keep going back and forth. its just so. tiring. i want to be there for him because i know . i know and i understand . and i want to only be there for him. to not have to burden him with me and my feelings but i also am just . a selfish person .
i know it poebablt doesnt sound very selfish truly i just. feel that way. anything i do for myself is so selfish to me. ive been selfish my whole life. called selfish when all ihe ever tried to do is be selfless and cate for others. tp put others first before everything. to not tale up space. to just be but to not truly exist. to impact people but not leave my footprints behind. to care but not to be loved. i am sick. i feel sick. i feel selfish. i just want to be able to feel things without condemning myself i think. fo leabe the insecurity behind and be pkay for you but im . so scared. sososo scared. its terrifying. i just. truly. i wishyoy were here. i wish you were but im also glad youre not. that youre not seeing me like this. as pathetic as i can get but i also want you to. i want you to help me, but not eben just help i just want you. i want you over and over again and i think this is as selfish as ill ever truly get. thag i want you this much. that it physically hurts me. i just am feeling so torn now. and so. so tired. inwant to cry but i cant. i want to cry in your arms but thats so selfish. i wish i could stop being such a selfish person perchance, but god forbid i just. need you. and god forbid youre texting me and telling me you love me truly and im jsjt. god. all i want sometimes (all the time) is to just bury my face into your neck. to feel your arms around me and to intertwine myself against you too. to take in every inch of you. to feel your heartbeat against mine - to pull back and have your touch and your smell still linger on me. to feel truly at peace despite how bad i can be sometimes. how selfish i am to want to be anything at all for you. to want you. to need you. but its all i can truly think about always
i feel fucking awful
no bcuz i dont know whatsbhappening. i felt it halfway during photography and i just assumed i ws really tired and i am but god. osmethjng horrible js happenjng . god forbid i am connected to my boyfriend and we r linked. doomed to tweak atthe same time. and i feel awful bcuz why do i feel so shit when he does too. and wby does my mom keep pesterjng me??? i come in to be lashed and j expected it but also like god fhckjng forbid i feel awful. leave me be. why are you lashing me? and why do u leep bringing yp joanthan? like yeah him bekng upset eill sway me but god i just fuckinf cant. and she forced me to eat and i feel horrible because i am so full. god flrbid i will never beat thjs. i am doomed to have such a horrible relatiknship with food and j am doomed to hurt over and over again and god why do i feel so sososoawful??? i need them to leave. they said they would for the ultrasound. i need them to go so i cantweak in peace and just. cry. i want to cry so bad as much as i hate saying jt cuz its so embarassing but god i neeed. to sob. or somethjng. tweaking (winter) playlist is playing anyway and i feel so awful i need to. maybe it really is jdjt be feeling really tired but i need thjs to go. i nedd it gone i sont want to fesl like this chat
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