#they bought me one few christmases ago but i returned it bc it was just too much and ic ouldn't deal with it
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i hate spending money i hate how it makes me feel even if there’s no rational reason for it i hate the guilt and the burden and the anxiety and the fear and the pressure and t
#i've been planning to buy an ipad for ltierally years now to upgrade my drawing setup from idk 2014#i did it today but fuck i hate how it makes me feel to buy things that cost a lot of money y#i have to make decisions and be responsible for them and i never make good decisions my track record on that is absolutely terrible#i always make the wrong ones and i feel guilty always no matter what i do#so it's so much easier to just? not do anything and stay stagnant but then again i can't possibly want that in the long run#bc not accomplishing or doing anything only mkaes me wanna die more#this is even if it's not my money or probably even more if it's someone elses bc this is my parents' gift to me but sfsvdfvjds i want to cry#they bought me one few christmases ago but i returned it bc it was just too much and ic ouldn't deal with it#why is it so difficult for me i cannot receive things#i'm buying all the accessories etc but like that's difficult for me as well#bc even if now i can comfortable afford this thing what if i can't in the future what if i need that money in the future#i've tried thinking this as a combined christmas birthday etc gift from my parents and my own gift for myself for getting my bachelors#but. yeah#i know how this sounds like if someone said this to me itd be reasonable to be like stfu youre getting an ipad what are you crying about#i know this is incredibly privileged whining about nothing but this aversion to gifts and spenidng money is just something that#bothers me about myself bc it's an example of whats wrong with me#i cannot imagine being a person who loves receiving and giving physical gifts how do you live with the implications of those#gifts are nice!!! but they're also a Lot for me#anyway waiting for the say i won't be on the edge for literally no reason <3333#shit talking
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