#they both inflict me high levels of emotional pain you wouldn’t be able to comprehend

[harapeveco]

They would be besties me thinks

[kaette-kita-slayers]

Kanzaka Q&As (July-December 2016)

July 2016

Q: After Rezo killed Zel's parents, did he dig a grave and bury them? Does Zel know where their graves are?

K: I think he dug a grave and buried them with great care, though I'll leave it to your imagination whether he did so for appearances or out of genuine feeling. He's never told Zel where it is.

Q: You said in an answer before that "no powerful Mazoku have been created in recent years", but why is that? I thought it might be because they aren't able to increase the numbers of powerful Mazoku any further, since they have to cut away part of their own power in order to create new Mazoku. (Kanzaka already answered this one the previous year. Maybe he forgot?)

K: Of course, the Mazoku accumulate power bit by bit from the negative emotions of humans, but ever since the Demon War, they've been expending more than they've taken in, so they haven't had the reserves necessary to create powerful Mazoku.

Q: In volume 9, from the second half of Slayers, Gourry said he more or less remembered Zel and Amelia, though he pretended to have forgotten them as a joke. So by the time that volume 15 takes place, did he still remember them properly? He remembered Xelloss, and in volume 9, he said himself that he remembers his friends, so I think it's probably all right. It's still bothered me for years.

K: I hope he remembers them.

August 2016

Q: I have a question about Slayers. Two different generations of the kings of Dilse were cursed with Raugnut Rushavna. Is there any possibility that the curse was lifted on one (or both?) of them by the time the second half of the series wrapped up? It seems like there might be, if Dynast wasn't the one who actually cursed King Wells. Also, has the Mazoku who cursed Dilus II appeared or been mentioned in the series?

K: Dynast was the one who cursed the prior king. Raugnut Rushavna is a curse that endlessly inflicts pain and quasi-immortality, and it requires that the person who used it be in good shape, as the source of magical power. Dynast wasn't destroyed but did lose his power. As a result, the curse would have been weakened in some fashion, but it wouldn't have been broken.

Q: Mazoku are fundamentally different from other beings, seeking "destruction". Considering how the Mazoku relate to one another as superiors and inferiors and the various restrictions they have on them---especially the high-ranking Mazoku---they come across as being somehow mechanical (this may be putting it a bit harshly, but like living instruments of destruction), even though they possess individuality. To what degree do they have emotions like humans and dragons do? I've found mentions in the novels of them feeling rage, joy, and attachment to things, but I think that they probably don't feel love, since they want destruction. Can they feel sorrow or admiration, or genuinely care for things? If you've outlined this for yourself, please tell me.

K: The Mazoku try to comprehend the emotions of humans, etc. in order to bring the world closer to destruction. As a result, they display things that appear like human emotions such as happiness, but I don't think that the Mazoku themselves know whether those are genuine or only surface-level imitations.

Q: In the Slayers world, if a mid- to high-ranking Mazoku who can take on human form were to infiltrate human society in order to gather information, which would they enjoy more, something like going drinking with a bunch of middle aged men like Tarim and Daymia and being forced to organize the whole thing, or getting information from girls who are their type (not necessarily romantically)? Do the subordinates of each of Shabranigdu's five retainers have different tendencies? Like the Mazoku under Phibrizzo's command being good at approaching women, or a lot of Gaav's Mazoku being types that are popular even though they don't understand women and lose their motivation if they have to keep talking to men at parties, or the Mazoku under Zelas and Xelloss' command being good at everything.

K: Mazoku are quite diverse in their preferences. There are Mazoku who do things like mingling with a bunch of middle-aged guys out drinking and egging them on when they complain about their own bosses and subordinates, thinking, "Such sweet negative emotions!" There are also types who would mingle with married women and encourage their negative feelings toward their in-laws.

September 2016

Q: Did the piece of Shabranigdu sealed in Rezo's eyes feed solely on the negative emotions from Rezo's own mind? Is it reasonable to assume that the thoughts and feelings of the people around Rezo, such as Zel's hatred for him, had no effect on Shabranigdu? It would be kind of a relief to hear that, compared to Rezo's intense negative emotions, the negative emotions from Zel, who was like night and day compared to Rezo, or Rezo's gang, who weren't really all that bad deep down, weren't that powerful and thus didn't have any effect.

K: The Demon Lord was sealed away at the time, so he wasn't consuming people's negative emotions. However, just by existing, he did in fact have a negative influence on Rezo's mind.

Q: About the Demon Lord of the North---even though the strength of the seal on him has never changed, the most he can manage to do, lately, is to give instructions by talking in his sleep. Does that mean that he's growing weaker? If that's true, then will he eventually be destroyed as time passes? Or will he be reincarnated in another human body? L would be lonely without S.

K: I think you have the wrong impression. In this case, "lately" is referring to a span of time from the Mazoku's perspective. "Lately" means the entire time from when he was sealed in ice until the present time.

Q: Did Rezo's gang ever keep a pet cat at their hideout? Or was it more like "I want a cat, but we'll just have to leave on another journey, so I can't..." since they were always moving from place to place?

K: They had one... ♪ ... to experiment on. (T-T)

October 2016

Q: Why did L base her form on that of the woman Lei Magnus loved?

K: I should explain this so that there won't be any misunderstandings---L has never manifested in that world aside from when she borrowed Lina's body. I meant that the version of L that I've scribbled on greeting cards and things like that looks that way. Though of course, S's lover wasn't a little girl.

Q: Was Rezo ever rejected by someone he liked?

K: To be rejected, you naturally have to approach someone first. I don't think that he would have fallen in love and approached some woman when he had an all-consuming obsession with his research and his eyes.

Q: In Slayers volume 1, page 72, line 10, when Lina and Zel are negotiating over the orihalcon statue, Lina says, "I try to make a practice of avoiding your type at all costs. Call it woman's intuition. (cut) And intuition or not, I'd rather die than be associated with the likes of you." After that point, Zel fights the Demon Lord alongside Lina and Gourry, and then makes it through various other battles along with them. Did Zel kinda think to himself that Lina's "women's intuition" is completely unreliable, despite the big deal she made about it? Or did Zel never believe in the concept of "women's intuition" in the first place? Did Zel not believe at all in something as unscientific as "women's intuition" while Rezo thought "Well, I've been around long enough that I can't say with absolute certainty that it doesn't work..."? (Leaving aside the question of whether Lina's intuition works or not.) (Dialogue from the Tokyopop translation)

K: That wasn't women's intuition in the first place. She was just trying to provoke him, which he was perfectly aware of.

November 2016

(No entry)

December 2016

Q: In Granblue, the Blast Sword was a water element weapon. Is this in any way connected to the original work? Or is it something presented by the Granblue staff that only applies to Granblue? I remember people discussing how the Sword of Light was a dark element weapon because it's a Mazoku...

K: About the elements, I basically left it to them to take care of integrating [the weapons] into the game, so that doesn't mean that the Blast Sword in the original is a water element weapon. By the way, my Granblue party's selection of water element weapons is completely awful. I'd welcome a water event!

Q: I understand that you initially imagined Noonsa as a normal fishman and not a taiyaki. (Of course, I also love Noonsa's current design!) Did you maybe imagine Noonsa at first as something like "a little slimy, but with a handsome face"? (Taiyaki, if you're not familiar.)

K: That's not even possible.

Q: Phibrizzo sent Gourry's Sword of Light back to the Demon Lord of another world. I know it's impossible, but if he could go to that other world, could he get the Sword of Light back? Or was it absorbed as soon as it returned, because it was a part of the Demon Lord, so it's no longer in the shape of a sword?

K: In its original world, the Sword of Light was created in the form of a weapon, just like Dulgofa, so if he could go to that world, he would be able to use it as a weapon, as usual.

[thoughtsoutonpaper]

end of a decade 2010′s

Haven’t been truly happy in some time now. With just a sprinkle of loneliness to top that off.

All these emotions have engulfed me in a never ending emotional rollercoaster ride that I can’t seem to brace for. The waves of saddens have me on the brink of tears at any given moment.  Can’t bare with the the low energy mood pendulum I have turned into at this stage in my life. Retreating to my messy cave of a room every evening after fulfilling the bare minimum of social interactions just so that I won’t become homeless has become the norm. Functioning depression at its finest. There has been so many things bothering me these past few months or so. Nothing more bothersome than my unending loneliness. Such a simple term yet in its true definition it doesn’t relate to me since tonight is the only time I am physically alone. Back to the old days of listening to music and pouring out my thought to my new warm bed companion. Not sure if this helps since articulating myself to another human being has become such a challenge. Figuring out why these feeling have been choking me for all this time would be nice even though Brandy’s Brokenhearted is hitting different tonight.

Virgo. We ended on bad terms. My fault. But you live and you learn and I would say I did a lot of learning with him. May have been the healthiest relationship of my decade. Until I ruined it. I was impatient and finally got noticed in different ways for the first time. We were so young and partly dumb. Can’t even try to deny these facts.  Yet we had the most fun. Though we met in the worst place by far, High school. We didn’t make an actual connection til we both left that retched place. Music taste impeccable, wise and foolish at times, which I see is now as a staple in my suitors these days. Have just an all around good aura even with family, well being family on both sides. Hanging out various places and having gut busting conversations about anything was how we spent most of our time together. Planning our futures constantly trying to get away from the totalitarianism that was our households. We still found love and comfort in each other we went places together and took part in activities. He made me feel fearless and I could take over the world, well Brooklyn if I wanted to… at times. There was a lot of restrictions on me back then, creating a lot of different strains on my mental health during our time together. But he left. The phone calls weren't enough. The doubt set in. The constant storm that is my mind raged and brewed up so many different scenarios and at that time logic and reason meant nothing so I felt completely justified in all my actions and decisions. Which now the I think back was ridiculous. Like I said young and partly dumb. But everything about him being gone was brutal, don’t think he knew the full extent of my boredom and longing. So the young me went and found comfort else where. Didn’t understand why I did it then but now I do my best to never inflict that pain on someone again. I created drama for no reason because that person isn’t even worth writing about with my top loves of the 2010’s. With a sudden reconnection recently I realized that he was a valid part of my adolescence.

Scorpio. The love ballad that he and I had could fill grand theaters. A true love connection from the start. From that first kiss in a cramped back seat at 4am. He was a storm. He’s grown so much since then, think that’s why it was so easy for him to just ease his way back into my life. Even after the way he left it. There is a forever place for him in my heart but I don’t see us being together in the long run. Which scares me because logically he would be the one person I would see myself having a family with. I think about a lot of different scenarios and those don’t give me that feel good gut feeling. Its just… eh. But I love how his mind works. With his passion for my first love music and watching him when he’s creating just fills me with the utmost joy. We are just on a different frequency filled with passion and fun. Always puts a smile on my face and make me feel inspired and loved. Don’t know what it is or how he does it but I will always love that man.

Taurus. The close proximity is making it hard to develop a routine. Continuous interactions have set me back a whole year in this break up of ours. Caring to find out if he’s eaten or wants something before I come home feels like our relationship hasn’t changed a bit from that painful day last January when I quit what I considered a failed companionship. He removed himself from my life but I still wanted to go back to the comfort of what we would usually share. It was hard to delete him from my life because I still cared about his well being even though I wasn’t seeing him regularly. Texts phone calls random meme sharing. All just to keep him close, even from a far. Though it was unhealthy it helped. But he came back,  couldn’t bare him living in unsavory conditions. Now he’s back and like a moth to the flame I let him back in to my head and heart. Though he has a few flaws that get to me and make me want to assault him in unimaginable ways like the fool I was before I sit there in silence trying to ignore the doubts that keep screaming at me. In the months that have past nothing much has changed between us. Still home bodies that would rather play video games and order in while smoking away all our troubles away. There’s love but it may just have changed.

Sagittarius. Before I got to know him all those years ago I was secretly crushing on a tall handsome witty man. Had the pleasure of getting to know him and realized that he was pretty cool. To the point that we got very close. Information later arises about another female that he was entertaining. Everyone who knew him would say that she was a lot more than he led on so I soon found a guy that would later become some that I grew to love. When he found out about this he wasn’t to happy and stopped talking to me. Can’t lie I spent a good portion of my new relationship comparing the two. In all aspects that I had to turn to writing again. My Tumblr got a few posts that explained my frustrations and I slowly moved on from him. Little did I know that I bury feelings better than most killers can of their victims. He popped back into my life this spring just for everything to come flooding back blinding me of the fact that he has a whole public girlfriend. He mentioned that a photo I posted urged him to reconnecting with me. I don’t know why he had the need to come back in my life when he wasn’t in a position to be with me in any capacity. I loved him in a way that I didn’t think I was allowed to and he took advantage of that. To the point that I doubted throwing away his child. He hurt me on a level I don’t even think he comprehends due to the fact that he wanted to continue deceiving me so he can have his instagram girlfriend and me the able and willing side chick. If he loved me in and way he wouldn’t have accepted a half assed good bye from me. But that’s neither here nor there I suppose. It's done. What good will expressing more of my feelings towards him do.  He’s not going to leave her and I don’t want him to do that for me anyway.

*December 21,2019 Yelled it out cried it out (i think). Just numb now. My feelings of love for him is now just contempt. Since I love him too much to truly hate him. He says he left her for me. He did what I said just days before not to bloody-well do. Me. Why me. What could I have for him that she doesn’t. She had him. Not going to lie and say that he isn’t what I have wanted this whole time but there has to be a better way. He could have dumped her and stayed to his self for a time being before coming to me and saying that I am the one he ‘thinks’ he should be with. I am a lot of great things I will never deny that but as much as I love him I deserve more and better. I am pissed off that he was that selfish to think that I would just ignore all the situations I (yes I) had to deal with when having relations with him. While he was still with her. My heart still hurts that the first time in a literal decade I became pregnant with his child. He didn’t mention her he didn’t consider that he was in hot water because I was his little secret. What if I kept it? How would he be with me? Where would our relationship stand? These questions have been buzzing in my head for the better portion of  four months. Oddly specific time frame but that’s how far along I would have been if he or she was still with me. The pain I have been feeling since the that day is indescribable. The removal of a child abruptly like that takes a toll on someone. There are still times I think about the almost 11 or so years ago. Who would I be as a person if I was to keep him and raise him as I should have. But with Him I wanted it to be right I wanted it to have a meaning in the end, not just existing and floating through our lives. I tried not to think of him in that light but with the whole raising of a child because I feel like I would just be getting my hopes up and painting him to be something I don’t think he could be. In the days to come I want to be in a direction that doesn’t have me feeling like I have to hit him up. Feel like I have gained any form of control on my emotional connection with him. I want the road to recovery but on a higher level. Because this pain in my heart is unbearable.

Still an open chapter in the book of my life…