#they arent hard responses. i *want* to talk to my friends. i just can't get my head in gear to even reread them to figure out what i need to

[arsenicflame]

why is it so easy to show my friends so much grace i can never show myself? a friend doesnt respond to me for a week, a month, longer, and it doesnt bother me, because i know theyll get to me when its in their bandwidth, i trust and love my friends and want them to do whats best for them! but when i stare at my dms and replies and think of about 3 words to say before blanking.... no... i am a bad friend and everyone is judging me and getting annoyed. i could respond if i really tried, couldnt i?

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

So wait I can't be aspec because I have sex?? I don't feel romantic attraction like at all and you call that preference?? I'm sorry me not liking romance and being grossed out when it's performed on me is just as Valid and your sex repulsion. Saying Aromantic is just a preference is wild. if you are making that point then asexuality is not a sexuality either. Romance repulsion is just as valid as sexual repulsion. Like what,? Since when has aspec mean only asexual? Like why would kick aromantic allosexuals out of the aspec community. Not feeling romantic attraction is definitely not normal. it's not bad either. Please can you stop being hateful and rude to your fellow queer community. What you are saying or incredibly harmful for aromantics especially if they are not ace.

Not normal?

Asexuality is normal.

Bisexuality is normal.

Being gay/lesbian is normal.

Being straight is normal.

Our community is NOT for the abnormal. Its not for the weird and strange people of the earth. There are weird straight people with different desires for relationships. There are weird gay/bisexuals who have different things they want out of a relationship. And there are weird asexuals who want unique things in a relationship. Heck, there are bi/gay/straights who want no relationship at all-- but arent asexual because they experience attraction. Cuz its not about what you want/are comfy doing. Its just about 'who' you like.

Not liking romance is not a sexuality. Not liking sex is not a sexuality. That is in fact a preference. And sure, it'll make finding partners hard. But so will a million and one other things about a person.

And yeah, the SAM makes it so asexuality acts as a preference rather than a sexuality in it's own right. And thats why I dont like it. Asexuality is a sexuality in its own right.

And 'cant' is a strong word friend. You came onto my blog. I never once said you can't call yourself what ever. I have no right to tell someone what they can and can't call themselves regardless of how I feel. And I've never done so. I won't tell you what to ID as. You asked for my opinion and I gave it. I did not say what you are allowed to do. I just said my beliefs. Me stating them on my personal blog is not shoving it down your throat.

And please. If we're taking about hate. Can you not think of our community as the club for the 'weirdos.' And not associate sexuality as the act of 'sex' itself. We get enough of that already without our own community pushing that idea. Odd balls are in every group. We are coming together due to our natural attraction-- that we cannot help and is absolutely normal. The only weird things would be personality or what someone wants in a relationship. Which exist outside a sexuality.

Anymore responses will likely be ignored unless they're actual conversation and not both of us just talking to a brick wall.

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Quitting Weed Day 9 Status Report 📝

to start off , i'll say, i do indeed feel like Ass ! this post might get a tad emo. regretting my life choices to smoke for as long as i have 😕 But then again, maybe that's harsh, cus i was just doing the best i could with the circumstances i been dealt in the past.

i couldnt just quit cold turkey cus every time i try that its way too intense and i alwaus end up going back. So the past 9 days i've been hitting my (extremely weak) weed cart a couple times a night, only after 9pm, just to help me sleep. Before that i was smoking probly like. 5-8 bowls a day, followed by hitting the weed pen RELENTLESSLY all night until i passed out. So its still been a huge change lol. From tonight onwards tho i'm done w the weed pen and ready to try 0 thc 🙏

kind friend @palmceader sent me a CBD tincture made for sleep (thanku again 🥹) which im sure has a TINY percentage of thc, but nothing even close to how much im used to.

i cant even imagine how fried my dopamine receptors are, cus honestly, i feel Fucked. spaced out is an understatement. i cant focus on anything and its kinda driving me insane. it feels impossible to read or draw or do any of my hobbies.. my body feels heavy and depressed. No motivation. its kinda the opposite of what i was expecting. i can barely keep my eyes open during the day..

on a brighter note i havent been struggling too much with sleep or appetite. i think sleepy time tea + the tincture + magnesium is rly helping. my dreams recall is already improving so much, and the times i have nightmares arent as bad as its been previous times i tried to quit. i havent rly struggled with cravings at all either, which used to be a huge obstacle for me ! im just so over it now. i was starting to get chest pains and coughing a lot, which was taking any joy out of the act of smoking for me.

morbid to say but I often think of my father and how his rampant addictions directly lead him to such a painful and horrific early death. its a rare perspective of imagery so disturbing , i know i can't go on in such a manner. Like, what a fucking fool i would be! For others i can understand it but for me, no. it has haunted me for a long time to know i'm letting myself go down that path, even with all my insistent self-justification that his death is what brought me to this in the first place. deep down ive been knowing i need to break the cycle like i have the choice and the power, im still alive im still here ..

Sorry if thats depressing to bring up! i do feel depressed tho. i cant use weed to hide from my pain anymore.. i have to rewire my whole ass method of coping with stress at age 30. i know i can do it but its gonnnna be a long winded process full of ups n downs. Running away is no longer an option and thats a lot to face! a lot of old wounds i never rly dealt with, cus i kept my head in the 💨clouds💨 for so long.

i promise not to give up this time tho no matter how hard it gets 🙏 i want to set a good example too like indunno a lot of younger ppl follow me now i dont wanna feed into narratives that may influence them in bad directions. i have a responsible heart. i rly dont think weed is cool i havent since i was like 16. i was just dependent on it so i tried to romanticisze its role in my life. its silly.

im kinda laughing now cus im like god, i initially felt like the reason im quitting is so i can be more active in my dream world, but the more i think about it the more i notice MANY many more reasons to quit that go way deeper.

All in all the reason im talking about it is to maybe inspire other ppl who have been on the verge of quitting but too afraid to rly take the plunge-- Ur not alone, ur not weak for being addicted, if u need to reach out to me u are more than welcome.

Ppl rly downplay weed addiction cus the withdrawals arent life threatening like other substances, but that doesnt mean its a walk in the park. Most ppl i know who are stoners have never been able to quit for similar reasons as me. It takes a major psychological hold over u. if u ever need to vent about it or need advice, im here!

if u read all of this, pls dont worry abt me xD Even if it feels miserable rn i have faith things will improve, the heaviness and brainfog will lift, the emotions will be purged, i am excited for my future. One day at a time....Dont giving up 🙏

Signed, PMD9

[fuckhouse2theelectricboogaloo]

as someone whos also a system, i would like to say that its pretty hard to get a diagnosis even if you suspect it. doctor's specialising in it arent easy to find and alot of misinformation goes around clinicaly for doctor's too so its hard to get diagnosed. although weather or not shep is a system or not is kind of pointless. anyone can be abuser regardless of disabilities and conditions and i think it is probably best to not go down that path at all like the others were saying. alters or not he groomed kids and that isnt ok.

okay. i'm going to say this now, because im not sure where else to say it (nothing to you, anon! i totally agree with you!)

i'm not a system myself, but i have friends who are systems (yes, i'm using the "i have [blank] friends!" response) and it is not my place to confirm or deny whether he's a system. even if i was a system, it wouldn't really be my problem.

it's also really not my business what mental disorders he has in any sense. i don't think debating on what illnesses he has gets anyone ever.

now, i don't think shep being a system is TOTALLY unrelated to him being a groomer, as his different alters did make appearances in screenshots/evidence against him. but it's not connected in any way.

my point is; why do you care if he's a system or not? i'm not sure if it's just because i don't constantly post everything i find on him or what, but it just seems like some people are seemingly grasping at straws and trying to find reasons to talk about him? if you want to talk about him, maybe you should try and spread awareness on him in the fandoms he's in (which i myself have been working on). if you're going to debate on his mental illnesses, i would say at least do it in private where it can't spread potentially harmful rhetoric around an already demonized/denied disorder.

this is also to say, i have an ask or two still in my inbox claiming he is faking, and while i would like to let EVERYONE speak on this blog, i don't find it to be relevant at all, it's already been said by others, and it really only harms other systems.

[castlebyersafterdark]

And it’s not just sex that turns off the disgust emotion. It’s also subdued by being in a close relationship to someone, especially if they are your partner or your dependent

omg this anon is so right! it got me thinking about my sister's dog and how i usually am afraid of/a bit disgusted by most dogs but not hers. you get to know them. and i remember my aunt meeting him and having the reaction i would to other people's dogs and feeling sooooo salty about it hahaha cos he's special, couldnt she tell? and that makes me sound like every other dog owner hahahaha

perhaps for some reason, then, when i hear other people talking about their significant other or talking about sex or even reading articles about it etc, because i can't connect to who theyre talking about on this personal level, i find it hard to empathise and turn off that disgust response. maybe there is a problem with my empathy 😔 for example when i read about people's partners or something, compared to even like fictional characters who arent real but who you get to know, i always feel this disconnect, like... nah, surely they can't be as in love as I am with my partner, or they can't be as great or funny as my friends. maybe just cos of the sheer number of people in the world, my brain can't fathom that many people having unique connections or relationships. i know they do, on paper, but the concept of comprehending THAT much emotion and love in the world, that many people who are all the centre of their own universe... my brain just stops computing lol

Under the cut since I typed a lot haha:

There's definitely a thick layer of bias when it comes to the things you care about vs. the rest of the world. Even beyond the original topic at hand in relation to interest and empathy in a way - for instance, there's only so many pet stories I can stomach sometimes from coworkers and it's just exhausting to a point where I don't care!! And the stories can just be boring or gross and are interesting to the person telling because it's their experience, but not mine/yours so pick and choose what engages. That's human. But having a pet now that I'm in charge of and care for and chose for the first time in my life? Oh, I know I'm going to become annoying now hahaha. When it happens to you!! I think the same, as cliche as this statement is, also applies to kids. Same stories, same reactions. It's not them, it's just that you don't have the emotional impact, the attachment, connection. That can often be the case. Other times you are totally engaged regardless. Moment to moment.

I very much feel differently than the first ask when it comes to relationships and sex and all that. A topic that eternally fascinates and interests and engages me regardless of who. Could just be a personality thing! I'm personally very interested in this aspect of human nature and always have been. I love love, and I also love drama and gossip and the dirty details. My friends can talk endlessly to me about their sex lives and I'm invested (not intrusive, but if someone brings something up, I encourage and/or listen. Of course, if it's not hitting it's also human to be bored or grossed out. Multifaceted). But I'll also seek out and read tell all forums (like the AITA stuff or any other similar, stuff about outrageous bedroom escapades haha).

I'm interested in hearing about people's feelings, stories. I'm not a therapist and am not here to diagnose or analyze you dear anon - just offer that we're all different and it's not a flaw, but always good to reevaluate your reasoning for reactions. Self awareness! It is hard to put yourself in another's shoes sometimes, and I know an issue for me is not wanting to extensively hear about sad stuff or controversy or tragedy - naive and selfish at times, but I don't want to get caught up in negative emotions and address them, which also can be slightly unhealthy. It's ok to admit these things. There's not one way to be. Humanity is overwhelming and vast!!

And to the second message - I do think it is strongly aligned with desire overriding the disgust, interest and infatuation being the motivation. Why do anything? What do we want? How do you chose the person your mind and body decides it likes and wants? Emotional connections vs. desire and arousal and attraction. Maybe some always need that emotional connection before the sexual aspect can happen. But for others, you recognize something surface level you like, something was attractive, something turned you on. And the weirdness of sex and the physical really kinda fades, what bodies are and do. The same person can experience both sides of this coin, too. We don't have to remain one way for every situation we encounter.

The beginning of a relationship (however short or long - a one night encounter or the start of a longer term connection), I think there's a mix! Are you at the club or bar looking to hook up? I think disgust is heavily put aside. You have a goal. You let your guard down, you focus on something that appeals while ALSO hyper focusing on the same details that might make someone else disinterest you. You'll go home with someone you barely know because SOMETHING appealed that overrides the hangups of reality and weirdness of sex as a concept. THE RISK!! Yeah. Are you starting to see someone you've known on a different level? Getting closer so things about them are endearing to you and you want to be with them and you see them for the whole human and the realities of life aren't a big deal because you're now sharing a life? All rolls into this topic as a whole. Intimacy as a dual use word - sharing your body as well as also the sharing of your life. Applying it to the same or different people.

The intimacy of casual sex where you let your guard down and you engage in something really vulnerable and intense because you wanted them and wanted it and it's messy and a little dirty but that's what you wanted. That's intimate. And the intimacy of a close friend or partner, taking care of them when they're disgusting and sick and you're holding their hair back over the toilet or wiping the sweat from their face and it barely registers because you're glad to be the one to help. That's intimate. These were just two random examples to juxtapose. Complicated emotions and topics!! Interesting perspectives and things to talk about.

[only-lonely-lovers]

09.03.2022

notes: bath times again!

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

あ：suppose the boys died in 1969… so their house would've had something predating this. but its just interesting to have markers i also assume having a bougie house just means it would be less likely to be a convenient modern solution?

つ：its true, i wonder… i HOPE they have a sexy wooden bathroom with the cedar tub mmmm really baste together smell so good

あ：That is what i hope it feels like it'd be so appropriate…

つ：something this sexy……

あ：I want to think the western aesthetics just arent that available yet beyond more easy-to-acquire furniture like tables

つ：hot…. envision

あ：we're getting lamps to look like an english house and couches but not like renovating whole rooms God i want it 5 yo boys enjoying they tub time

つ：if a bath tub was would i would want to chew on its edge i already like to put my mouth on the edges

あ：Leaving indentations with your fangus

つ：when i am gone. then you will

あ：😭

つ：touch my little indentations. you shoudl not have yelled at me for doing it

あ：Why did i. ruin our precious few shared bath times Sadly puts my mouth over it

つ：your teeth sink into the indents perfectly as we are twins

あ：Starts crying

つ：and…. scene

あ：Start a new scene. bring my brother back. please

つ：ok. ok. I will come back

あ：Get in the tub with me N Now

つ：RUNS

あ：This translates to amane being like. insistent and tugging on tsukasa's shirt we just had dinner i want a nice warm bath!!!

つ：okay. I'm home and you're fretting about how its probably been a while… since i had a nice cleam. mom is also fretful about it all godknows where i've been siome have called it hell…

あ：Me thinking you were like lost in the woods living under a stump Trapped in a cave somewhere

つ：in a stranger's house at BEST 4 towns over somehow

あ：… I really do like imagining like, having a competition with mom over fretting, like, no, IM… help… nyuhh… I've got this

つ：and maybe mom lets you. because you are best friends and she knows you missed him and had no comprehension or brain to cope with any of it

you are filling the big deep tub… mom is nearby but letting you do what you want. admiring how responsible and sweet you are… I too am admiring this… you think a thought and go to run to get toys. but then you flinch-- turning back to me a foot away -- and grab my hand and take me with you to the toyroom to grab a few things for us to have. i must have missed toys while i was gone… OUR toys

I didn't, because I had all manner of toys, but you don't know this, and, I watch you gather them rather than the toys i look at your hand in mine, how you didn't leave the bathroom without me

あ：The thought really descends onto me. Toys, toys of course… I haven't really been touching them myself… Well, it's inconsistent, really, sometimes I need to remember what we played together, I need to think about how we'll get to again… but most days, it was too hard to even look at them. Too painful, too listless on my own, can't think of games for only myself. It felt so impossible to think about. Heart is beating with anxious excitement now, at all the things we can do again together, runs through the mind like a neverending list. So many things…

All that moping… it's behind me… US… We have so much to do…! Squeeze your hand.

つ：its interesting… to think about toys with someone else. I won't have to talk for them

seeing you move them in your hands is startling. wow. its like magic. to see anything move that I'm not touching myself

you'll drag me back to the bathroom. when i run with armfuls of toys, i drop them the whole way until only half are left in my arms by the time i get to the bathroom you don't drop any

あ：[playfully wiggles one in your face]

つ：yytruuuuuu aaaoo looks like youre performing a magic trick i think how easily agog i am makes you both feel successful, and also, sad

あ：It's so easy isn't it, it always is… You're too quickly bright-eyed and hypnotized seeming. I have to worry about you. Ah, your nature… [pets.]

つ：did i have so little going on while lost, that a toy in my face is amazing? makes you cringe

あ：Determined to make up for every second… The hot water will help!!

つ：we'll help each other rinse off int he shower first… you dump the toys into the tub, but move to the nozzle… maybe, make me sit down on the lil stool

あ：Must be responsible It's better for me to be the one to fiddle with this stuff though, i'd rather you just sit ahmm… maybe a moment where i'm surprised to be emotional seeing your hair wet… it's just the feeling of seeing something familiar again, after so long stare…

つ：waterlogged. it feels weird-- I haven't thought about, any of this, stuff. wasn't necessary. it feels weird. watching water droplets sink down my skin, feel them. warm… hot! .a…. giggle

あ：[stare.]

つ：IT'S SO HOT…!! ATSUI

holds paws in front of mouth to laugh. collects water in my palms then throws it up over us both, getting you wet a lil its amazing to watch it pool in my hands!!!

あ：A bit dumbfounded, lagging. My turn, I guess, to feel easily hypnotized…. tilts head

つ：TILTS HEAD BACK OPENS MOUTH FILLS MOUTH WITH WATER

あ：Ouh

つ：GURGLES

あ：ME TOO i do it too

つ：spews it out like fountain

we get into a loop of filling our moufs and spitting it out because you are doing it too i do not want to stop

あ：it's nice to have some mindless fun, easy fun… i'm eager to think less. would rather be physical shakes head all around like a doggie

つ：gawksssssss

あ：For the most part… I can't be-!! so embarrassed, about seeming silly….

つ：I'm like. bath now? and you are like. Y--- NO wait we didnt wash you at ALL….. there was no soap we got distracted. i forgot that components of washing are

あ：Scrubby scrubby now… serious [stern] [plants a hand on you]

つ：get into that hair. get that back. be so scrubby. it tickles and im wiggle a lot and make it hard

あ：mutter mutter…. but hold my tongue. no, I can be good big brother… I won't complain. [just really keeping a hand at your back/shoulder]

[zzztobi]

i dunno if ur reqs are open if they arent ignore this!!

but if they are, do you have any headcannons for komori? hes my fav 😫 they can b anything lol thank uu

a/n: my reqs are always open!! <3 tysm for this! since you didn't specify the gender i stuck with this, hope it's okay.

pairing!: komori x afab!reader

warnings!: a bit of spanking :p, clit play, kind of bondage? idk just a little of jealous komori <3

awww my sweet, cute and kind komori!! never thought about writing for him but here we go!

okay, first of all we all know that his soul is as pure as one of an angel. he's just too good, so sweet and kind to everyone. i don't think he would ever hurt a fly honestly!

next to his cousin, he's like the personification of the sun, with a smile so bright that could blind eyes and lighten anyone's mood. but, like everything in life, there can't be light without a bit of dark, right?

you, out of all the people that surround him, know it the best, especially when it's just the two of you together, alone. his charming smile and the creases around his eyes turn into a heart-stopping smirk and half lidded eyes.

his expression is so dark and serious that he doesn't even look like the komori you knew, or thought you did. sex with him has always been pretty vanilla honestly, what would you expect of him anyway? but that's something that changed today, when one of his cousin's friends, atsumu miya, got a little closer to you than necessary:

“you enjoyed the attention, didn't you? having miya flirting and telling jokes to you. laughing and giggling like a silly teenager.” komori said, looking down at you. your body was splayed on top of his thighs, your wrists locked in a tight grip with his belt on your back and the lower part of your body completely naked and exposed.

you shook your head, “no 'mori, i just talked with him and your cousin” komori landed a loud smack on one of your ass cheeks, leaving a red print and a tingling sensation. “what did i tell you about lying, baby?” he tsked.

his right palm soothed the burning skin, and slowly traced two of his fingers on the crease where your butt and thigh met. you shivered under his touch, goosebumps appearing on your skin. “i'm sorry 'mori. ” you whimpered.

“if all you wanted was attention, you could've come to me. all you had to do was ask” another hard slap. you tried to wriggle your way out but with your wrists trapped and his firm hold, you could not scape.

and what komori said was true, all you had to do was ask. for him, there was nothing impossible to do or get in this world if it was bond to make you smile. he would bring you the moon and the stars if you asked.

his fingers moved dangerously to your core, where wet folds were waiting for him. “fuck baby, you're soaked” he purred. komori touched your pussy teasingly, evading your throbbing clit. his fingers caressed every fold and crease, teased your hole that clenched around nothing pathetically.

“ 'toya please, touch me” komori hummed in response, and obediently started to draw steady circles on your clit. “see? all you had to do was tell me sweetheart. you know i'll give you the world”

your legs trembled when he fastened his pace, watching how wet you were and fascinated by the way your desperate hole clenched. it didn't take you too long to cum, not with all his previous teasing and the steady pressure he had on your clit.

“that's it, that's it. you're such a good girl, hmm? my good little girl.” his fingers didn't stop even after your orgasm, prolonging it as much as he could.

this was a new façade of your boyfriend that you didn't know about but were glad that you did now. after all, komori is a intense lover, not at all possessive or jealous, but a passionate one nevertheless.

©️ zzztobi 2022 — all rights reserved. please don't repost, translate or copy any of my work.

[jonathancrane-scarecrows]

100 Important Character Questions

Part 1: The Basics

What Is your full name?

Mikhailo Aleksandr Milkovitch

Where and when were you born?

08/10/1994 in Chicago

Who are/where your parents?

Terry Milkovitch is my dad, my mother... dont know her name.

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?

Yeah my sister Mandy. We are both close. Shes a fighter, strong like a Milkovitch should be. Shes not afraid to tell you what shes thinking and I love that about her.

Where do you live now and with whom?

Chicago with Mandy and Terry.

What is your occupation?

Thug, pimp, security

To which Social class do you belong?

Poor, never going to get anywhere but that's fine.

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?

Fuck no. I'm as strong as they get... well if you consider family a weakness then yeah. They mean everything to me.

Are you right or left handed?

Right handed

What does your voice sound like?

Noel Fishers voice = Face claim

What words and/or phrases do you uses very frequently?

Fuck off, Carrot Top, Tough guy, Fire crotch, Fuck you, shut the fuck up...list goes on.

What do you have in your pockets?

Why the fuck should that matter? Wallet, money... maybe a gun.

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics?

I'm a jealous person... can get violent when it comes to Caleb... I dont like it when others touch what's mine. ( Hes really Caleb's but... you know.) I drink, smoke and do drugs. It's better than dealing with the shit I deal with. Have a hard time being who I am... if people knew I'd be in a ditch somewhere.

Part 2: Growing up

How would you describe your childhood in general?

Violent. I grew up learning how to fight and dealing with my father. Of course it wasent all bad. Mandy was there with me through everything. Even stopped our dad from beating the shit out of me when he found a kid kissing me. Was the first kiss I had from a guy.

What is your earliest memory?

My dad beating the hell out of a guy that didnt pay up for a service he had done for him.

How much schooling have you had?

Plenty. I dropped out but schools not for everyone.

Did you enjoy school?

Fuck no. People always think they are better than you and if your poor they look at you like your scum. I left when I could.

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities?

My father of course. Mother left when we were young so everything I know Is from him. The good and the bad but that's what makes us Milkovitch.

While growing up, did you have any role models?

My dad but now I'd rather be far away from him as I could. Always in jail, causing fights. What a great role model right?

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family?

Never met my mother so nothing going on there. With Dad? Our relationship has never been the best. Mandy our relationship is amazing. I help her she helps me...Milkovitchs stay close to family. Through thick or thin.

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Alive. Living the Milkovitch way is dangerous. All I want to to stay breathing.

As a child, what were your favorite activities?

Beating up the biggers kids, proving I wasent weak. Spending time with my sister.

As a child,what kinds of personality traits did you display?

Violent, jealousy, stayed with family through everything, need to be accepted ( Not very open with others about why), cautious, careful ( When he nedded to be), responsible.

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like?

Fuck no. Never been the popular type. Friends? Not really I beat kids up more than anything. They all feared me.

When and with whom was your first kiss?

I was 13 and was a girl... dont remember her name. My dad told me I needed to show interest in girls so I kissed her. Made him happy and got him off my back.

Are you a virgin? If not,when and with whom did you loose your virginity.

No definitely not a virgin... havent been in some time. I was 15 and no one knows but I said it was Angie... wasent her. Was a guy.

Part 3: past Influences

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

Meeting Caleb. Might not be a big event to others but to me it was pretty big.

Who has had the most influence on you?

My father much to my distaste but hes all I've got beside my sister with family.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Staying alive. This world we live in it's not the greatest. The strong are the ones that will survive

What is your greatest regret?

Being a pussy and not admitting my feelings. Remaining in the closet.. afraid my father will kill me if I admit what I am.

What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

Does being a pimp count? I havent killed anyone yet. Came close many times with a gun pointed at them or me beating the fuck out of them.

Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

Fuck yeah I do. Been in Juvie a few times... ok more than a few. What can I say I'm a bad person.

When was the time you were most frightened?

When my father was beating the shit out of me when he saw a guy kiss me. The other got the worst of it.

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you?

Well finding out you like it up the ass is something I'd say qualifies.

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why?

Not being such a pussy about who I am. I'd change that fact because if I did I could be with who I wanted. Yeah my dad would be coming after me but at least I'd be worth it for Caleb.

What is your best memory?

Not many good ones but meeting Caleb for the first time was... it changed me.

What is your worst memory?

Fuck... I have too many bad ones to really say which was my worst.

Part 4: Beliefs & Opinions

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?

Neither I'm a realist. I know how things are.

What is your greatest fear?

Loosing anyone close to me.

What are your religious views?

Honestly I could give less a fuck... but my family is Christian.

What are your political views?

Not like I vote so it dont fucking matter.

What are your views on sex?

Best fucking thing ever! Helps with a lot of problems. People should do it more often. Less stress, issues... it's just better for you.

Are you able to kill?

Yeah depending on the circumstances

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?

Be a pedophile, I'll fucking kill one if I see one.

Do you believe in the existance of soul mates and/ or true love?

Honestly... I dont know. I feel something with Caleb I've never felt with anyone... it's kinda scary.

What do you believe makes a successful life?

Not being a snitch, doing what your supposed to do and beating people that dont pay you like they were supposed to. It's not hard. Everyone has problems.

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings?

Depends who I'm talking with. I lie all the time.. I have to so my dad dosent find out about Caleb. I tend to be violent when asked if I'm gay.. I can't help it and fuck if Caleb knew how I felt about him... I dont know what would happen.

Do you have any biases or prejudices?

If we went off what my father thinks then I would.

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it?

Snitch. I'm not a fucking snitch. The day I do that would have to be a fucking important reason.

Who or what,if anything, would you die for( or otherwise go to the extremes for?

Caleb aka. Carrot Top.

Part 5: Relationships w/others

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how?

Depends if I know them. If I like them then they can see I'm a great guy. Of course if I dont know them and they piss me off they are going to end up bloody. In general you know me I'm a good guy, you dont know me I keep my eyes on you.

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?

Caleb... meeting him has changed my life.

Who is the person you respect the most, and why?

My sister. Shes strong and she hasent snitched on me. Thick and thin we are close and always there for one another.

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people.

I dont have friends.

Do you have a spouse or significant other?

Caleb.... we arent married or anything so fuck off.

Have you ever been in love?

Yes

What do you look for in a potential lover?

Red head, batshit crazy, packing 9 inches.

How close are you to your family?

As close as I can be. We are there for one another though dads a dick.

Have you started your own family?

No

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?

My family, they wouldnt leave me hanging or in trouble.

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why?

Myself... maybe my sister... and perhaps Caleb. Why fuck you that's why.

If you died or went missing, who would miss you?

My family and Caleb... I hope anyways.

Who is the person you despise the most, and why?

My dad. He would rather see me dead than let me be gay.

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?

Fuck no I fight with my fists, guns, anything I can get.

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?

Sometimes depends on the situation.

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not?

No. I like who I like and large groups are not my thing.

Do you care what others think of you?

Fuck no ( A little)

Part 6: Likes & Dislikes

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?

Fights... to an extent.. dont really have hobbies and I mostly do things for the family.

What is your most treasured possession?

One of Caleb's jackets

What is your favorite color?

Green

What is your favorite food?

Steak

What, if anything, do you like to read?

Dont read

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs?

I do all three, helps with stress.

How do you spend a typical Saturday night?

Fuck, really depends on what's going on. Things pop up all the time.

What makes you laugh?

Caleb... he makes me laugh a lot.

What, if anything, shocks or offends you?

Being called gay... I tend to get violent. Even if it's TRUE, living with my father has made me this way.

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?

Go see Caleb

How do you deal with stress?

Drink, smoke, do drugs, fuck... a lot of things.

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?

Both

What are your pet peeves?

Girls hitting on me all the time, being my dads punching bag... yeah

Part 7: Self Image & Other

What is your greatest strength as a person?

Surviving

What is your greatest weakness?

Caleb

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

To be stronger... to tell my father who I am and live through the beating.

Are you generally introverted or extroverted?

Extroverted

Are you generally organized or messy?

Both

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at.

Good: Fighting, taking care of family matters, lying ( sometimes hes terrible but he thinks hes amazing at it)

Bad: Admitting my feelings, showing how I feel... to an extent, loving others

Do you like yourself?

No

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?

Get over my Dads hate for gays and come out

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

In jail

If you could choose, how would you want to die?

Protecting my loved one

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left.

See Caleb, fuck, then go spend time with Mandy

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?

Being the first gay Milkovitch why the fuck not?

What three words best describe your personality?

Attractive, energetic, reliable

What three words would others probably use to describe you?

Aggressive, dangerous, dedicated

If you could, what advice would you, the mun, give to your character?

Theres nothing to be ashamed of! Be gay be whatever you want! Your perfect the way you are even with the rough edges. Your doing good but you and Mandy need to leave your father.

Tagging: @sin-of-the-father , @magicalmusesandwheretofindthem

[stranger-stim]

I love your original stim gifs. They help me realise how much of what I do in my day to day life is stimming, and help me become less ashamed of it. I think you've said before that you have trained yourself (maybe not the best word choice but I can't think of a better one) to stim more freely and stop repressing stims, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to share how you did that?

hi anon! sorry this is later than i said it would be, i bought minecraft and then suddenly like 3 days disappeared… this is going to be a little rambly as ive not gotten more than 6 hours of sleep a night in the last two weeks i believe.

this got EXTREMELY long, so im gonna put it under a readmore:

first, im glad my gifs can help you feel more comfortable, thats a huge reason i make gifs and put them up! when i was first realizing i might be autistic, following people who posted stimming gifs made a huge difference in my self acceptance. (@elzear-stims was the first person i followed for autistic stuff, elz is less active on here now but elz has a lot of stimming gifs up still!).

recognizing things i do as healthy and autistic self-expression, beyond not feeling bad about it, also helps me be more intentional about doing what i need to take care of my brain and body. for example, i have a tendency to pull at hangnails when im stressed, especially when i have to talk to professors or things like that, and have made myself bleed lots of times before. now that i know why i do that (as a grounding stim, because im distressed), its a lot easier to redirect and remember to use one of the many stim toys i always have in my pocket.

second, training myself to not suppress my stims has been a process, and there are still times when i have to act nt because of school or lab. i dont have a foolproof method or anything, but here are some things that have helped me:

1) follow autistic people, and/or the stim freely tag, to help your brain normalize stimming as good and healthy. imo, knowing stimming is healthy on an intellectual level is different from changing your brains initial reaction. we live in a really ableist society, especially in a lot of parts of the internet with “cringe culture” etc. especially if you’ve been bullied or gotten in trouble with authority figures for stimming, its easy to have your first response to seeing someone stim be embarassment or the feeling that its wrong/incorrect. seeking out more content of people stimming can help convince your brain that its healthy and good, and changing that first response will transfer over to how you see your own stims too.

2) get some stim toys! doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy; some of my favorite stim toys are smooth rocks, beads on a string, soft fabric, and those spring/coil bracelets for keys etc. keep them with you in pockets or on a belt loop or something, and you can use them to stim during times you cant body stim. for me at least, Always having something to stim with made my brain want to stim more? since the norm is stimming, not suppressing stims.

2b) at this point for me, stim toys are something i primarily use when im somewhere i have to look nt (class, lab) or when im super overwhelmed and need to chill out post-meltdown (glitter jars and soft things and ear defenders are my go-to for those times). the rest of the time i default to body stims, which at this point are more natural to me. that doesn’t have to be true for you at all tho!

3) pay attention to things you do and a) notice the situation youre in and b) do them more and see how you feel! for example, ive always needed to have my legs crossed all the way (like with the foot hooked back around my calf?) to focus during tests; ive known this for a long time about myself but only knew Why recently; its a pressure stim! i also sit crosslegged All The Time. now i know why i do that (it helps me focus and stay grounded bc im autistic and its a pressure stim) and i can do it intentionally and also not try to sit “normally” because i Know now that will make me less able to pay attention.

4) have autistic friends or people you trust and can be your authentic self around! this one can be really hard, but in my experience being autistic is similar to being lgbt where the people you gravitate toward and want to be friends with usually end up being autistic or cousins (like adhd). i call people who probably arent nt “capital f Friends” actually. of my close friends, most are Friends and both my partners are autistic/adhd! this helps a lot with acceptance and also its really fun to stim with your friends and pick up their stims.

5) stim when youre walking places outside so your brain knows its allowed to stim out n about. when im walking home, i walk through a neighborhood and no one is ever out there (at this point if they are i dont care much but). so i just… let my body do whatever it wants on my walk home. which usually means raptor hands or idle flapping depending on enegy level, and bouncy/toe walking and clicky vocal stims that i try not to do the rest of the time bc they annoy people lol.

alrighty, this is probably way more detail than you wanted but there u go! feel free to ask more questions if that didnt cover what you were wondering or if you have new ones!

[youthfuldirt]

Its not your responsibility to listen to me and my bullshit.

But this is my way of telling you,you matter to me amongst the strangers that come by into our quick lives. And if your listening even as I complain endlessy about the same matter, or get overdramatic at a minor inconvenience, Im not sharing this to make all my problems yours,or ask you to solve it for me, or only to hear words of comfort (that is nice) but Im talking to someone I expect to listen, these fragments of emotions and experiences that sound bothersome and common (often cringey) of mine are a part of me and who I am, and It may be subject for improvement and there are things that are hella annoying coming from me, Im not the best person out there, but I am thankful to have you people around me, and Im sorry if I am asking too much, if to lend an ear is hard for you. But I am thankful.

Honestly the thing is, I think I just want to feel like the world hasnt given up on me yet. Like I matter, because I am trying to keep up. And I dont know where it all started but I am fucking weak. I cant take a confrontation because my brain wont take them as something constructive, As much as I seem distant and uncaring, I actually get hurt and I carry small issues like its poison running in my veins, although I am quick to forgive, I am slow to heal.

I may forgive a person but Ill be holding on to a memory of pain even if I make an effort of letting it go. I think people my age often feel the struggle and hopelessness while saying everything is all right when nothing truly is, I somehow think everyone is as lonely despite being appreciated and loved. Sometimes we cant even pinpoint the actual cause of these heavy load of nothing , is it our career? Were we not who we wished we would be? Our family who makes us feel as if we werent trying and were too suffocated, pretending to play a role they expect us to, and we can't tell them our smallest pains because were afraid they will say "thats a part of growing up get used to it,you have to face it anyway" and just get dissappointed, some may be fortunate to be accepted, but I think its because some of their own hopes and dreams get passed down on us in the form of expectation and demands. While Some of us have already become non existent people to their parents even before we get into maturity.

People will just say Im lonely and that friends arent there to babysit my shortcomings.

And that if you want someone to cater to your emotional needs maybe you need a special other half

I am lonely in a sense that I feel like Im screaming and all I hear is my own voice bouncing back.

But I am not interested in pulling off a romance themed life. I am as they call it an ♠️, and that even makes things worse. Because I have to eventually do it right? Youre a liar if you say you dont want it . Youll eventually find someone. And I know it all I just havent allowed myself to be a participant. And I dont have the right to feel upset about finding out the person whom I shared my truth about me being basically a plant, actually thinks im in a dysphoria. And they cant tell me how they lost theirs because I wont understand and I might feel bad about being an extraterrestrial rare plant who does not exist in the category of sexual beings because I chose to. Its should not be a problem but I feel sad knowing theyre havinv trouble sharing an important experience just because Its not my fave topic. But does it matter? If its important to you Ill listen enough to try and care even if I really dont. But still I know damn well that feeling . Its an itch. A fucking catterpillar.

But Im yelling into the void asking where my friends are and its all static and if they do answer, Are they doing it out of respect to the friendship or because they still want me around. And if you want me around, why don't you tell me your troubles too. Why do I feel burdened of telling you all about my storm when you dont do the same, and how is it that you don't ask for my company. And say you cant meet me right now but its okay to tag along with some other friends, and as much as I dont want to feel bad about such matters ,I do though. As it makes me feel invisible to someone I value.

Like I want to hate you and make you feel terrible about it but what good does do?

I cant force people to be interested. Maybe we just got older and grew tired of everyone around us. Maybe we want something new, and bitter as it is maybe its time to seal the damn lid.

You cant hear me and I wont hear you either.

Ah to be lonely and alone and lonely and alone and indifferent and be a bitch everyone forgets about.

[the-keeper-of-my-keys]

Im sorry, but can i ask you something about abuse? I dont know if im being abused, i feel bad for even considering it. My mom ignores me when i ask how her day was, and if i ask her to do something she makes me feel bad about it because she buys me things i don't even ask for. She'll talk to me but only when she feels like it. Ive done the housework since i can remember and i can't ever do anything for myself, i think because i only know how to take care of her and my sister. (1)

(2) she makes me feel awful about my inability to finish my school work or study for my driving test, but at the same time i do have time to do it, but no drive. My future doesn't matter to me at all. Everything around the house that goes wronh is automatically my fault. Recently i confronted my autistic sister about her not eating and it upset her, and my mom yelled at me about it even though i was just worried for her. Im starting to think we only matter when what we do affects her.(3) in her defence, she's a single mother suffering from depression and anxiety and she does support us and buy us luxuries like my phone and computer and new clothes, and she paid for me and my friend to go to a concert awhile ago. I feel like a bad person for thinking she might be abusing me, but now she's making my nana feel worthless and annoying like she has me, and i think i'm starting to see her games. At the same time, i'm only 16, so i might be blowing things out of proportion.(4) i'm gonna leave it there. There are other things i can think of that might classify as abuse, but they arent major and i feel horrible for asking in the first place. If you don't want to answer this it's fine! Please delete it if it makes you uncomfortable or anything and im so sorry for spamming you with my problems. If i'm not just crazy and it is abuse, what do i do? I turn 18 in 2 years but i cant do anything for myself. This is my 3rd year in 9th grade bc i cant pass. I just want out._____________________Hi anon, first of all you do not have to feel bad! I’m glad to help and this doesn’t make me uncomfortable. This is probably going to be a long answer, so bear with me.So I don’t have a ton of information here and I’m not an expert so I can’t give you a for sure answer, but from what you’ve said here it definitely sounds like something is not right, and it does sound like abuse to me. It especially sounds like neglect, which in my opinion is a form of abuse. But it also in some parts just seems like clear cut and dry emotional abuse. The part where you said she makes you feel horrible about not being able to finish your schoolwork and stuff -- she shouldn’t be saying things that make you feel that way. She shouldn’t be blaming everything on you. And I think it’s also really neglectful of her to not realize that there’s a reason that you aren’t able to pass your classes? Like stuff like that doesn’t just happen for no reason, and she is ignoring the root cause -- I’m guessing it’s your stress -- and she is ignoring the emotional reasons that you are probably not doing well in school. If she isn’t interested in making sure you’re okay and the real reasons for this, she’s very self-absorbed.Here’s some possible psychological stuff on your mom that I was kind of getting from your messages. Sorry I might be totally off so if I am just ignore this. It sounds like your mom is having a lot of problems of her own, and isn’t dealing with them first, so she’s ignoring all of her responsibilities and pretending they don’t exist. And it sounds like she buys you random things to make herself feel better, so she can say she’s a good parent, and maybe tries to do something nice because she secretly feels bad? But she probably also thinks that buying you things will also get her out of the other parenting things she’s obligated to do, and that if she buys you stuff once in a while, she won’t have to do the things she really doesn’t want to. It’s also probably a subconscious (or even just conscious) mind game thing, where she thinks if she buys you stuff once in a while, you’ll stay and won’t leave. She wants to keep you there forever with her and drain your energy, so that you’ll be taking care of her and she doesn’t have to take responsibility. But she is your caregiver, and is supposed to be taking care of you, and she hasn’t been. It also seems like she’s been doing this for awhile, probably your whole life. She’s making you the parent, making you responsible for your sister and for her, and your mom is acting like she’s the victim and is pushing her problems on you, making you deal with them. In a healthy family, there are clear boundaries, and it kind of seems like there are no boundaries. While most of the time your mom is making you the parent, this time when you tried to get your sister to eat and were parenting in a way your mom didn’t like, your mom stepped in and was like “wtf I’m the parent this is my role so stop it because you’re not doing it how I want you to.” And I can understand how shitty and confusing it must be for you, my parents do that a lot -- it’s really confusing as a kid to have your role be like a parent most of the time with no clear boundaries, and then randomly your parents step in and take that role away, when you’re used to it.But your mom’s psychological problems don’t excuse her behavior at all. It doesn’t invalidate the abuse, because it sounds like abuse. Her depression and anxiety don’t excuse anything either. There are tons of people with depression and anxiety, that don’t do as shitty things as she does. It might honestly just come down to that she’s just kind of a shitty person, and doesn’t care about other people as much as herself, and won’t care for her family. I hope you’re not offended by that, but she doesn’t sound like a great mom at all.Maybe you’re only 16, but also you’ll be an adult in two years. I’m 16 too, but by the age of 16, people usually have their head on straighter, and kind of have more of an idea of what they want. At least that’s what my therapist told me. I know it’s hard not to believe your own thoughts because your mom might make you think that all of your ideas are invalid because you’re “not old enough” or “flawed” in some way (even if she didn’t say that, that might be the message you’re taking from it), but trust me when I say that for a lot of things, you’re able to trust your own judgment. You’ve come this far.I believe in you and you will make it through this! You only have two more years left until you can leave, and then this will all be over. And you say you can’t do anything for yourself, but I know you can and I know you’ll make it, because you were taking a step for yourself by sending me these messages and trying to figure your life out :)If you’re worried about not knowing how to take care of yourself, I would focus for now on becoming more independent from your mom, the most you can be, so that you’ll be prepared for the outside world when you turn 18 (or whenever you decide to move out). The internet can be your parent if she won’t be. You can learn almost anything about everything with a quick search, and you can teach yourself how to take care of yourself and support yourself. I’ll link  adulting masterposts here and here if you need any resources, it’s helped me a lot for sure! I hope this helped at least somewhat, and if you need anything else or wanna talk don’t hesitate to send me a message :)