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reality-warp · 5 years ago

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A/N: So I finished Jedi: Fallen Order and sweet God it was way better and more emotional than I was prepared for. And then before I knew it my mind starting rolling out this idea before I could slam on the brakes. What else is new?

With work stress, difficult physiotherapy, and seasonal affective disorder all kicking my butt right now, theres no way in hell I’m going to have the time or enegry to turn this idea into an acctual polished fic. But after the idea refusing to leave me alone several weeks I decided I just needed to sit down and get the beginning out of my system.

Not my best work by a long shot, but it’s been so good to finally get writing again after a year of struggling.

Set post-game, this follows crew of the Mantis as they start their search for others who survived Order 66, and opens with the POV of one ex-Jedi Healers padawan (alien OC) hiding out in a hospital on Lothal...

Remedial Biomancy - Part 1/5 Auri

The first thing all padawans learned when they apprenticed as healers in the Jedi Temple was that your hands were always going to be the bloodiest.

Bloodier than any knights. Bloodier than any murderer. And if you chose the path of healing, you were going to be living up close and personal with suffering, pain, and not always be able to help. It was not a job for the faint of heart, or for the thin-skinned. But Auri Madraan doubted even Master Sayf, the man who’d taught her everything she knew about the horrors and wonders of being a Jedi Healer, would have been able to remain stoic in the face of all this.

Bodybags lined the room.

Dozens of them lined up in neat rows stretching from one end of the cold storeroom to the other. Twenty-six men. Fifteen women. Forty-one in total. She knew because it had been her job to count, scan and evaluate each one of them. She’d already finished the details of the last entry on her datapad, and now she just found herself staring into the cold room, struck hollow by the stark emptiness of it against her senses.

The absolute silence of life in a room so crowded.

“Medic Rinna,” The tinny voice of her droid assistant using her fake name broke through her daze, floating over from after making his final scan. “I believe that was the last one. Shall I transmit the results directly to Head Medic Jorran?”

Auri shook her head, both in reply and attempting to pull herself together, rubbing her tired eyes and tapping the save function on her datapad. She’d been awake for well over thirty-two hours and desperately needed to sleep. But this was something she always made herself do every time there was a death.

Master Sayf had always said one should never let lost life become something that felt normal…

“No, that’s ok PANN. I’ll deliver it myself,” she answered, her voice a bit crackly from hours of not speaking.

Her Prognosis Analytic Neural Network droid—more commonly referred to as PANN—bobbed in the air where he hovered, amber optical sensors flickering over her face. She could feel him resisting the urge to share how high her cortisol levels were, and that she would start to become dangerously inefficient if she stayed awake much longer. But even if she were already tucked up in her tiny room in the hospital staff quarters, she doubted she would have been able to shut her eyes for the thoughts and images burning through her mind.

There had been another tunnel collapse in the Lothal mines a day ago, and the men and women now lined up on the floor of the hospital basement were the only ones lucky enough to have been close to the entrance for their bodies to be dug out. The initial evaluations of the first-aiders and Auri’s reports both read suffocation and crush syndrome as the cause of death—no need for full autopsies or further investigation. That was what Head Medic Jorran had made clear what he expected to see, and consequences to anyone who thought otherwise.

But Auri knew differently.

She knew the truth of what had killed these people. She’d known the moment she’d touched a hand to the brow of one of the young men, the story of his broken body unfolding out before her like a story in black bruises and shattered bone.

They hadn’t died from lack of oxygen, they’d been killed when a toxin in the earth they’d been mining had been released as a gas. The Imperial mining operation running the dig had realised what had happened as their workers began dropping, and they had quickly collapsed one of the tunnels in an effort to both cover it up and stop the gas from escaping.

No one else knew. And if her Imperial loyalist boss had his way, no one else ever would.

Only her.

The thought made her want to be sick. She might have done just that were it not for the whooshing sound of the elevator doors opening just behind her, the sounds of footfalls on the metal floor.

“Hey Rinna, I hoped I’d find you down here—” Lyle, her co-worker and fellow junior medic broke off halfway through his sentence behind her, clearly noticing the contents of the room for the first time. She heard the air leave him in a single stunned rush, like someone had jabbed him in the solar plexus. “Maker, I’d heard it was bad, but this…”

Auri didn’t answer or turn to look at him.

Lyle was another recent emergency employee of the short-staffed Lothal capital hospital. He was human, blonde, good looking, and unfortunately just enough aware of it for it to be utterly confused by her disinterest. They’d been working the same shifts for the past two months, and Auri wasn’t sure why, but he had started developing what a charitable person would have called a fondness for her. An uncharitable person would have called it annoying. Her polite but repeated rejections only seemed to urge him on, and he always seemed to turn up when she most wanted to be alone…

This was definitely one of those times.

“You ok?” He asked her earnestly, coming up and placing a too-familiar hand on her shoulder, apparently completely unaware what a stupid question it was.

No, she wanted to say. To scream.

To yell that nothing about this was ok.

That she hadn’t been ok for the past five years.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied, clipping her datapad back onto her belt and turning past him towards the elevator. She refused to look back at him or the forty-one bodybags filled with people who would never have their truths heard.

Who would never get justice.

She stabbed the button for the top floor without waiting, and Lyle quickly dashed after her, slipping in just in time and almost getting his scrubs caught in the door. A significant part of her really wished they’d cut him off before he could get inside.

“Rinna,” he started, once again reaching to touch her shoulder, but clearly thought better of it this time when she shifted away. “You sure you’re alright? You covered a triple shift today, and you look kinda… well, paler than usual.”

Something halfway between a laugh and a snort escaped her before she could stop it.

Ex-Jedi padawan Auri Madraan was a haedrathi, an uncommon near-human species from the Haedra system whose only real biological difference to humans was that they’d evolved in underground caverns, which meant their bodies didn’t process vitamin D in the same way. The result was naturally pasty skin, snow-white hair, and eyes so sensitive to light that they had to be covered by protective black contact lenses near constantly to prevent blindness.

She was likely the palest being on this entire damned planet.

How this guy had managed to become a medic, she had to wonder sometimes…

“I’m fine, Lyle. Just tired. And doing autopsy scans of tunnel collapse victims isn’t high on my list of favourite things…” she trailed off into the silence of the elevator, the only noises breaking the tension the whooshing of the passing floors.

She sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes again. She had been working herself harder than normal, but focus and eventual exhaustion seemed to be the only way to keep her thoughts and nightmares at bay lately. It was clearly taking its toll on her temper—and for all his dogged determination to get her to swoon over him like the other nurses did, Lyle was only being kind.

“Sorry. Yes, I’m ok. Anyway, what are you doing down here? Didn’t you finish half an hour ago?” She asked more gently this time.

Lyle scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck as the elevator continued its rapid ascent, and even though she wasn’t looking at him, she could feel his gaze running over her.

“You’re going to deliver those reports in person, right? I thought I could keep you company on the way to Jorran’s office, if you like. Give you an excuse to get out of the quickly.” he offered, an almost painful note of hope in his voice. “Look, I’ve been meaning to ask if you’d like to spend more time together? Like, maybe… as a date?”

Auri only managed to restrain her sigh by virtue of the fact that at least he’d managed to wait until they were out of the room full of dead bodies before trying to officially ask her out. If he hadn’t, her training might have failed her entirely, and she’d have simply brained him with her datapad and left him down there.

She was saved from shooting him down by her droid rounding on her, a distinctly disapproving note in its metallic voice.

“Medic Rinna, I really must insist you engage in at least one REM sleep cycle as soon as possible. Your cortisol levels are impractically high, and—”

“Yes, thank you PANN,” she interrupted the fussing droid, cutting him off before he could launch into a full-blown lecture. “I’ll get some sleep as soon as I’ve delivered the reports. Why don’t you both go on to the dorms and get plugged in to charge for the night.”

“But—” PANN and Lyle started at the same time.

“I’ll be five minutes max. No need for an escort,” she cut them both off, deliberately not meeting Lyle gaze. The elevator came to a stop at their floor, the doors whooshed open and Auri quickly stepped out before either of them could try and stop her.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lyle looked crestfallen, but PANN just grumbled, immediately floating away back towards the staff quarters at the other end of the building.

She’d tried tinkering with the little medical droids AI processor a few years ago before arriving on Lothal in an effort to improve his analytical speed, but it had somehow affected his personality algorithms too. Now instead of being a clinically detached medical encyclopaedia, he fussed when her stress levels got too high and chipped in with sarcastic commentary whenever she least needed it, and she had no idea how to fix it. It was like having a nagging metallic nursemaid following her around every day. She’d found herself cursing the fact that she’d never taken any programming courses back during her training; but metal, chips and circuit boards had never been her area of expertise…

Cal had always been way better with that stuff anyway.

The sound of his name, even inside her own head was enough to send a lance of pain through her chest. She buried it quickly before it could show on her face, forcing a small, weak smile into its place.

“Thanks for offering, Lyle. But I’d rather just get this done and go to bed. I’ll see you for the next shift,” she said over her shoulder.

“Yeah, sure,” he mumbled, failing to hide his disappointment as she strode off. “Night, Rinna.”

Auri started making her way towards the Head Medic’s office on the far side of the building, but instead of heading there directly, she turned down another hallway and made a detour towards the recovery wards.

There was someone more important she needed to see first…

Three minutes later she was swiping her ID card to enter the paediatric wing, the smallest but also most colourfully painted section of the hospital by far. The wards weren’t particularly big, only four beds to a room, and at this time of night, all the kids in them were fast asleep. The one Auri entered was at the end of the long, brightly painted hallway, and it was the only one with just a single kid curled up on his own inside.

“Rinna?” The boy mumbled, hearing the door sliding open as she entered, turning over to peer sleepily at her from under the blankets. It hadn’t been safe for Auri to use her real name in five years, but the smile the little boy gave her as he saw her was always just enough to ease the ache of missing it.

The kid coiled under the hospital blankets with bio-monitor patches all over his chest was human, small even for his years, with dark hair, coppery tanned skin, vivid blue eyes, and an infectious grin in the rare moments when he was feeling ok. His entire family had been living on Lothal since the days of the Republic, and the day he’d first come to the ward a week ago and met Auri, he’d excitedly told her that he loved haedrathi pop music, was a crack shot with a slingshot, and was going to be a pilot one day.

The name on the bed chart read: BRIDGER, EZRA.

“Hey little soldier,” she smiled at him, this time a genuine one, quietly shutting the door behind her. “I just came to check up on you before my shift ends. How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Ezra lied, trying to sit up. “I don’t even think I’ll even need my meds tonight.”

Auri gave him a sceptical look, eyeing his shaky arms struggling to support him, and the low blood oxygen level reading on his bio-monitor.

It turned out the same toxins that had killed the workers in the mines had been leaking into the water supply a couple of weeks before, and Ezra had got a heaping dose before his parents realised what was wrong. Now it was wreaking havoc on his organs, the toxin fiendishly difficult to purge, especially for smaller children whose body mass was less than an adult. Ezra was barely six, short and skinny as a rail, and he was getting sicker by the day, even with the treatments and Auri’s regular help during their checkups.

Still, he was a fighter, and stubborn as a Loth-cat. Especially when it came to foul-tasting meds.

She placed a hand on one hip, trying not to smile.

“Oh really?”

Ezra scowled determinedly, but on his young round face, it was closer to a pout.

“Really!”

She raising a brow theatrically at him.

“Then I supposed you won't need this either?”

The kids face lit up as she pulled a little album stack out of her pocket and held it up—an innocent little palm-sized chip that stored sound data and could be plugged into any system or droid to play music. She’d managed to find one of the bands he’d mentioned while complaining how boring and quiet it was in the ward on his own, and she’d promised to bring it during her next visit.

She waved the album stack in front of him before setting it pointedly on the side table.

“Meds first, then music.”

Ezra pouted at her again, but dropped his little shoulders in defeat.

“Urgh, fine,” he grumbled.

Auri couldn’t help but smile sadly to herself as she opened the medication compartment on his bedside table, and began measuring out his prescribed dose of immune boosters. A nurse or med-droid would have been round later to give him his nightly meds, but they were so short-staffed at the moment that they likely wouldn’t have finally got to him until late at night. The kid was already struggling with his condition so much, she didn’t see any need to keep wake him once he finally managed to get some rest.

And she would have been lying if she said she hadn’t wanted to visit the one person in this hospital she actually enjoyed spending time with.

Once she’d double-checked the measurements, she pressed the little measuring cup into his hands and poured him a glass of water to wash it down with. Ezra took it without complaint but pulled a face as he gulped it down.

“Urgh! Why does it have to taste so bad?”

“That’s how you know it’s good for you,” she teased, setting the cup aside and handing the glass of water over. He took it gratefully as Auri pulled a pressure band out of the side table and wrapped it carefully around his skinny arm. “Just going to quickly check your blood pressure too, then you’re all done.”

In truth, she didn’t really need the band to check his blood pressure, but it gave the excuse she needed to get close enough to use her Biomancy.

She’d had the ability for as long as she could remember—a rare talent even among the Force sensitives that let her sense and read a persons life force through direct contact. It meant she’d effectively been able to tell when a person was healthy or sick since she was a child, and after years of training in the Jedi Houses of Healing she was now able to pinpoint and identify the cause of almost any pain or illness with a single touch.

Or in Ezra’s case, it allowed her to sense every part of his body that was struggling most against the poison in his system, and do what little she could during her checkup visits to help him. She’d added specific toxin absorbers into his daily meds to try and help take the pressure off his kidneys, used tiny amounts of Force biomanipulation to boost his white blood cell count, but to be honest there wasn’t an awful lot left she could do. Pretty soon the only thing she’d be able to do was numb his pain receptors so he could sleep comfortably. She hadn’t even been able to think about how she’d break the news to his parents that he was unlikely to ever fully recover…

Frustration and regret roiled deep in her chest as she read his bio-signs, seeing barely any improvement since she’d checked the day before. If only she could just do what she’d been trained for years by Master Sayf to do. To reach out with the Force and help heal the actual source of the problem, not just clumsily try to manage the symptoms. To be the healer she’d worked so hard to become since she’d first walked into the Jedi Temple at two years old.

But it was a different Galaxy now.

She’d only been on Lothal six months. If she cracked now, used her true power and took the risk of being found out, at best she’d have to flee. Start all over again.

At worst she’d be found by Purge Troopers and executed on the spot.

“Hey, Rinna,” Ezra asked abruptly, pulling her out of her morbid thoughts.

“Mmm?” She answered, pretending to check the pressure monitor before releasing the air and removing it from his arm. He pointed at a spot around her collarbone.

“What is that?”

For a second she didn’t know what he was looking at. Then she saw that he was pointing at the cord she wore around her throat. It must have crept up without her noticing, and was now barely peeking out over the neckline of her scrubs. She shrugged it back under the grey-green cloth a bit too quickly to be subtle.

“It’s nothing, little soldier. Nothing important.”

“I always see you wearing it, every time you visit,” he pressed, a tiny pout appearing again. “None of the other nurses or doctors ever wear any jewellery. How come you do?”

“Because this isn’t jewellery,” she answered automatically, then mentally kicked herself for it. Ezra just kept looking at her expectantly, and she knew instinctively he wasn’t going to let it go. So with a sigh, and against her better judgement, she pulled it out just enough for him to see the small jade green stone bound at the end. “It’s called a kyber crystal.”

Ezra’s vivid blue eyes went wide in wonder.

“Isn’t that what’d in Jedi lightsabers?” He breathed.

“They use to be. But not anymore,” she murmured, quickly tucking the cord back beneath her shirt. “It’s just a silly trinket. But one that you have to keep a real secret, ok? I’m not supposed to have it, and I’ll get in a lot of trouble if you tell anyone.”

He gave her a solemn look and a slow nod, his dark hair flopping adorably.

“I won’t tell.”

“Swear?”

He drew an X over his chest.

“Swear.”

Auri tried to regard him seriously but eventually smiled, unable to stop herself. He was a starry-eyed kid, but he was also the most honest and genuine person in this place.

“Good. Now let’s get you tucked in. Your folks will be in to visit tomorrow morning and you don’t want to sleep through it.”

He nodded, coughing a little as he pulled the covers up to his chin again, peeking out and giving her and the album stack on the side table another hopeful look.

“Can you put the music on?”

Auri rolled her eyes with a smile, but nodded, bopping him lightly on the nose with the stack.

“Ok, but only on the lowest volume.”

She got up from the cot and started plugging the stack into the small radio near the door. Ezra coughed again, a bit harder this time. And then a strange noise came from him; a kind of gasping wheeze that quickly became a throaty cough, like he was struggling to catch his breath. Auri turned instinctively, feeling the pull of something wrong through her senses, only to see the colour had suddenly drained almost from Ezra’s round cheeks, leaving him a sickly grey colour.

“Ezra? What’s wrong?” She asked, dread creeping into her chest.

“R-Rinna…” he mumbled, sitting up and swaying dangerously on his cot, “I d-don’t feel good…”

He slumped sideways, almost falling out of the bed entirely. Auri shot across the room and caught him by the shoulders just in time. She tried to sit him up again, but he’d gone almost entirely limp, eyes rolling back in his head.

“Ezra? Ezra!"

He didn’t respond. Only continued to wheeze out breaths that were far more laboured than they should be.

Not wasting a second Auri rolled up his sleeve and touched her entire hand to his upper arm. That one solid point of contact brought a fresh flood of sensations, and she instantly understood, the breath slipping out of her in horror.

“Oh no…”

She could feel the frantic flutter of his pulse through her senses like a hummingbirds wings. Feel the pain of his insides and every laboured breath as if it were her own. The toxin had finally found its way into his heart, and the shock of it was causing the organ to beat wildly out of control.

Not wasting a breath, she yanked back the sheet and laid him out flat on the cot, tilting his head back to open his airway. He was so small it barely took even her any effort to lift him, his little form not even taking up half the space on the cot.

“Keep fighting hard as you can, little soldier,” she whispered, pulling out a syringe and a vial of cardiac stabiliser from the nearby emergency cart. She didn’t realise her hands were trembling until it took her three tries to get it filled correctly.

If this didn’t work…

She returned to his side, sliding the needle into his bicep and depressed the plunger, keeping a hand firmly on his arm and letting her Biomancy monitor his response better than any of the equipment around her could.

But…

“No, no come on, please…” she cursed under her breath, dread beginning to turn to panic.

It wasn’t working. She’d managed to slow his pulse and calm his adrenaline with the stabilising drugs, but it wasn’t enough. His heart was still beating out of rhythm and getting quickly worse. If that poison stayed in his body any longer she knew it was going to destroy his heart beyond any hope of repair…

The sight of those bodybags filling the room downstairs invaded her mind again. The image of one more of them, slightly smaller than the others—

No.

The thought rang through her head with the long dead voice of her master, and the panic in her chest stilled into sudden, familiar calm as she looked down at Ezra again. This time with all the years of lessons and practice she’d gone through to get here rushing in to fill the void.

To heal a hurt, you must first understand the hurt, padawan.

To ease the pain, you must know that pain.

She could still feel the poison lingering in him through her senses, could feel the damage it was doing through the contact. She also knew it wasn’t going to be enough to just remove some of it. Every last drop he’d managed to accumulate by drinking that contaminated water had to be pulled out if she was going to save him now.

So, taking one of his small, tanned hands in her considerably paler ones, Auri reached a hand out to hover over his chest, stretching out with the Force. It was like flexing an aching muscle that had long gone unused, and for a moment, she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to do it.

But then, her thoughts brushed up against a cluster of something cold and foreign. Something that wasn’t supposed to be there—a knot of wrongness caught up in the complex weave of life that made up all of Ezra.

She reached out further, and her mind stumbled over another. And another. And then another. Feeling the pressure building in her own head with the concentration, she forced herself to focus harder, latching her will onto all those knots of wrongness until she could feel every molecule of the poison scraping against her thoughts—a million pinpoints on a map laid out in the shape of the boy before her.

Then, as gentle as she could, Auri began to pull on all those pinpoints of wrongness.

If anyone had been watching, it might have looked at first like the young haedrathi medic was simply praying over the kid, one hand holding his while the other hovered over his chest. But then, ever so slowly, what looked like tiny beads of pale orange sweat began to appear all over the boy’s clammy skin. At first they were almost unnoticeable, but quickly they grew, forming together into bigger drops that began to slowly rise off him entirely, floating in dozens of perfect spheres up into the air.

She didn’t stop until all of those droplets had risen off Ezra’s clammy skin, and only when every last bit had left him did she shift her hand slightly, condensing them all into a single floating sphere the size of a large marble in the air.

Her head beginning to ache with the strain, Auri automatically reached a hand towards the side cart at the edge of the room, and a test tube flew into her grip as if pulled by a magnet. Sweat began to bead on her own brow as she guided the floating ball of poison into the glass before finally releasing her focus. The pale orange liquid fell straight into the container as if someone had finally turned the gravity back on, and Auri felt her hands trembling as she quickly stoppered it.

Her perception of the rest of the room flooded back in as she pulled in a few steadying breaths, if someone had turned the volume back on for the rest of the world…

Only then did she hear a noise come from directly behind her.

Auri whirled to face it, her head spinning and heart pounding as she automatically shoved the test-tube full of poison into her back pocket. Lyle was stood in the open doorway to the ward, a confused look on his face. For a horrible moment, she thought he’d seen everything, his gaze flickering in bewilderment between her, the boy on the cot, and the empty syringe of cardiac stabilisers on the side table. But the look softened to worry as he saw the expression on her face.

“Rinna, what happened? Is he ok?”

She was saved from trying to flat out lying when Ezra groaned. She turned back to him to see the boy’s vivid blue eyes flickering open as he began to regain consciousness.

“R-Rinna?” He rasped, and she immediately knelt next to him, gently stroking his messy hair back from his face.

“It’s ok. You’re ok, little soldier. You just had a bad spell,” she assured, calmly as she could despite her own racing heartbeat. He coughed a bit and she helped him take a few more gulps of water before gently laying him back down on the pillows. “Try to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning, I promise.”

He was out barely ten seconds later, the exhaustion of having the poison forcibly purged from his body taking its toll.

But at least now he would live.

Auri covered him in an extra blanket from one of the other beds, and set the bio-monitoring system to alert her if there was any change to his vitals. Then, once she was sure he was as comfortable and safe as she could possibly leave him, she turned back to face a concerned-looking Lyle. He was gazing at her like he was desperate to somehow comfort her, but had no idea what to do or say to help.

“What happened?” He asked quietly the moment they were both outside.

“His heart, it started going tachy right after I gave him his meds. I barely got the stabilisers into him in time…”

It wasn’t a complete lie, but she still hated the taste of it on her tongue. Lyle glanced down at her still trembling hands, and once again she could see him barely resisted the urge to try and take hold of one.

“You’ve done everything you can,” he told her, not realising the truth of those words. “But you really should sleep now too, Rinna.”

She nodded, glancing back at the door to Ezra’s room once more before turning back to Lyle.

“I’ve changed my mind,” she said quietly. He looked at her in confusion, and she gave an anaemic smile that she couldn’t quite make reach her eyes. “Would you mind walking me to Jorran’s office after all?”

It took him a second to process what she’d said, but once he did he nodded vigorously.

“S-sure! Yeah, of course.”

Auri followed her colleague down the hallway, falling into an exhausted step beside him. But not before quietly pulling the test tube of poison out of her back pocket and dropping it quietly into a nearby biohazard bin.

Much as she hated to admit it, PANN and Lyle were both right—she really did need all the sleep she could get tonight.

Tomorrow she was going to have to start planning her escape from Lothal.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

#mine #my writing #swjfo #star wars #star wars fic #auri madraan #star wars oc #ex-jedi padawan #jedi healer #5 part mini fic #My characters #alien oc #alien character #original alien race #young ezra bridger #finished Fallen Order for the third time #and now i need to get this idea out of my system #just for fun

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christinthechronicallyill · 8 years ago

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Letters of the Chronically Ill

To the friends of the ill

You’re important to me.

I live for the hours where I am with you, laughing about all the crazy adventures you have been on that week and for the moments where we talk about all things of your heart and what makes it come alive and thrive. I love hearing about the awkward party that you went to, the time your mum sucked the cats tail up the hoover and when you slipped down the hill on the way to college and ended up with a long brown skid mark. Tell me about how you walked for miles with your dog, how your partied into the early hours of the morning and how you had to wake up at 5:30 to catch a train to London for the day. I love hearing about your outings and gatherings with people- because I know that you are happy and enjoying life and that is all I want for you. To be happy, to know you’re loved and that you are going to be great. I will tell you all that is interesting in my life, so I’ll probably talk about my dog and her weird and wonderful tendencies, my brilliant reenactment of an elderly lady on a daily basis (pill popping and all) and how I am still heroically making it to most of my classes and the awkward moments when they ask how I’m doing and where my class work is (fairly sure my dog ate it?) Please don’t feel guilty when you are full of stories and I don’t have as many, I love to listen and when I do have stories, they are all the more precious to me because they are less. I also ask that you remember that I am still always here for you in whatever situation good or bad. I may not be able to physically be around but I am always a text or a phone call away and will always respond as soon as I can- you mean so much to me and I love and appreciate you greatly. I know sometimes you feel guilty talking to me about what is going on in your life; I'm not sure why as your issues aren't any less significant. I will always listen and offer advice and attention where I can, and will hug you tightly (or give you a clip round the ear) when I next see you. My life is difficult but it is still good. What you are struggling with isn’t less significant or not as important. It’s not the situation but how you feel in the situation. I won’t always get it right, but I will always try and keep an open mind and not allow how I am feeling on that day to effect us.

I spend a lot of time at home, which makes me very grateful for the technology that we have because I can still be connected through social media with you and see what you’re up to. For me, this can both be a blessing and a burden. I enjoy the mindless scrolling because it requires little focus and minimal energy and yet fills time that I seem to have. It’s good because I can ‘like’ and ‘comment’ on all your beautiful pictures and meme shares and meaningful statuses to my hearts content and I know that you see that and we remain connected through that. However; I often get jealous of you being well, not that I would ever wish that you were ill for a moment , but more that I wish I was well enough to be with you. When I see you with our other friends, laughing and sharing with one another the incredible outing you just had, I feel lonely and miss being able to be with you all. It is upsetting when I can imagine the wonderful time you are all having and I become focused on the fact that I was absent and that nobody seemed to notice or care. I know this isn't true. This is in my head and I am not sharing this to make you feel guilty because ultimately I love to see you loving and living life to the fullness that you are and embracing friendships and growing stronger together, I am sharing it so that you know that this is an area that I need to embrace and learn to have a more positive attitude towards and I am working on it and I hope that I learn this so that I have no ill feeling towards you. Social media also enables me to share what I get up to, and I post most things that I do when I do see someone or when I do something because I want people to see that I am still living a life and that it is a good life with good people- and I am thankful you are one of those good people in my life.But my primary reason for sharing those things is because I want a record of my adventures, something I can easily go through and see all the incredible moments and people I have in my life when I begin to feel down heartened about where I am at the moment. I don’t post lots of photos so for likes, but so that I have a record of what I have been up to and that I can share it with you and you be a part of it, even if you weren’t there. Other technology I am thankful for is the television as part of CFS is that I struggle to concentrate on things for long periods of time, so TV requires minimal concentration and passes the time when I am resting my body. I am not lazy, if I was able to be out when I am on the sofa, more often than not I would whole heartedly choose to be out but I need to rest and I am learning not to feel guilty when I am resting. For some people, chilling in front of the television all day sounds like a dream, but please don’t make comments like that to me because for me- it’s not how I would like to be living as where you dream of that I dream of adventure and for the days I can spend a whole day out with friends instead of a mere couple of hours. This is one comment that people sometimes make that is difficult for me to respond to as I am lucky that I don’t have a busy schedule, but being involuntarily idle is stressful in itself for me. Please don’t judge me for having to spend lots of time at home doing mindless activities- it is dull and exceedingly lonely but it does make me all the more grateful when I am well enough to be out and being with you.

I know that when I see you, our time is short but that isn’t because I don’t enjoy your company or that I have grown bored of our conversations. I am tired constantly and where socialising for you may not require much energy, it requires all of mine to walk and chat and laugh and concentrate on the conversation so I don’t miss bits- and I want you to know that you do have my full attention. I can’t always make it out to be with you, but I love it when you come to me so that I don’t have to use up energy travelling or waiting around. But if I can come out I will arrange to be out with you because that’s always more lovely to be out in the world, enjoying creation and life with you.

You are kind and considerate and try and help me in the best ways that you can, even if sometimes they are not the most helpful of ways. One of the things that can be difficult is for you to fully understand how I am feeling because, thank God, you aren’t struggling with it. I ask that you please don’t tell me about how to manage my illness or how if I change my diet I will be magically healed, or how theres new cures with lotions and things. Some of these things may or may not improve my symptoms, but they won’t make me better. Tell me how you’re praying or thinking of me, how you’re there if I need to talk or that you’ll drive me home if I’m too tired to get the bus. Tell me that I’m not my illness and that you know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s often difficult for you to know what CFS is because it is personal to the individual and is a description diagnosis; there isn’t a test that you can take to easily confirm it, which is why the diagnosis process is so long. Here are a couple of explanations that people have said to me that have resonated and will hopefully clear the air a little with what is actually wrong with me 1) Imagine you have had a long day at work which leaves you physically, emotionally and spiritually tired. Then imagine that when you wake up from a full night of sleep, you still have that overhanging tiredness and your body has all the aches and pains it gets when you catch a cold or the flu. 2) When you go to sleep, you recharge your batteries and then have a full bar of energy to use throughout the day. When I sleep, my batteries charge very little or not at all so I have to use my energy wisely. 3) Fatigue is different to tiredness. Tiredness goes away, fatigue clings onto you and drags down your physical and emotional capabilities. 4) It’s like having an old lady inside the body of a teenager/young adult. You can’t race around like a loon and need naps on a regular basis. Personally, I am lucky and grateful that compared to many who suffer from CFS/ME I do not suffer severely. I go out several times during the week, I am still able to study at college (part-time student) and I do odd job around the house. I do the same things that you do but on a much smaller scale. My symptoms include: • Fatigue • Achy and painful muscles (typically thighs, legs, backs of shoulders and back) • Difficulty concentrating for long times • Difficulty sleeping • Dizzy spells • Difficulty controlling body temperature On a good day, I will wake up with mild aches in my muscles and despite feeling drained and exhausted, I am able to get myself ready and be out for a morning/afternoon/evening with a couple of rest breaks in between activity. On a bad day, I will be exceedingly achy and will have to take painkillers to try and numb it slightly. I will take a long time to get ready as it will require most of my energy and I shall get downstairs and have to spend the day on the sofa doing very little. Most of my days are in between and make me thankful when I am having a bad day where I need to rest, that I’ve had a good days and that there are more to come. I may or may not ever recover completely from this- it is a permanent illness and is disabling in its own right but I don’t view myself as having a disability, I just take a little longer to complete a lot of activities. I hope that your opinion of me stays to how I was when I was ‘well’(or how it was before the CFS became publicly noticeable) and that you don’t give me any label to do with my illness but label me as a friend, a colleague, a mate, a partner, child of God or however you view me. I haven’t shared these details for sympathy because that isn’t particularly helpful, but I so desperately want to be honest and not have to hide my pain when I’m not having a brilliant day and I hope you will continue to love and support me, as you always have.

I’ve thought long and hard about ways that are helpful for me so here are a couple of ideas if you’re struggling with the right things to say or do, if you want to support but there is never any pressure for you to! Please remember that I don’t expect anything as you don’t expect anything from me but these are just some useful things I have found and appreciate greatly. Drop me a message every once in a while; ask how I am. I may be truthful or I may cover up how I am feeling but having someone check up on you is a reminder that you are loved and cared for and is deeply appreciated in its simplest form. Don’t be offended if I suddenly have to cancel our plans, I would love to be there but I will be having a bad day and it will frustrate me that I will have let you down. Please continue to invite me to stuff though, even if you don’t think I will be able to make it- I will often make it a priority to be at and even the invite is appreciated enough. Please be considerate if I have to leave early, I am not being rude or ungrateful I just need to go and rest so that I can see you again soon. Give me hugs and cuddles when I see you and be an ear if I need to just have a little cry or a laugh or am in need of some advice, as you have always done and as I will continue to do for you. Come and see me if you can, come alone or with a couple of others (please be sensitive not to overwhelm) and we can have times of friendship and fellowship. Skype or FaceTime works too! Encourage me to stay hopeful and to focus on the joy around me. Pray for me- if you’re a prayer: pray for healing; the restoration of my body, for the day I can be well again, for Gods strength and energy to fill me each day, for wisdom to know when to rest and when to work and for a continuous heart of compassion and love towards people. Pray for my family and friends who support me and that God blesses them and grows them into even more of the beautiful people that they are already. Thank God for me and for our friendship- as I do daily.

I love you dearly and you remain in my prayers and thoughts constantly.

#cfs #cfs/me #chronic illness #chronically ill #myalgic encephalomyelitis #jesusheals #chronic fatigue #chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе #tired #christianity #jesus christ #christinthechronicallyill

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pauldeckerus · 6 years ago

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What I Avoid in My Street Photography and How

Photographs are as much about what is not included as the subjects in the frame. Being aware of the things I avoid is as helpful to me as the things I gravitate towards when it comes to composing an image.

Adding or removing elements through composition is one of the most significant parts of adding/removing/changing the context of an image. Including or choosing not to include certain things can alter a story in very serious ways, so it is always important to have ownership over those choices.

All images will crop reality down to a single frame, so being very specific about what is cropped will make all the difference to an image I like, and will keep, and one which will never see the light of day.

Writing. I will try to avoid writing of any kind in my photographs. I find that as soon as words are present in the frame they will take your attention away from the rest of the image in order to read what’s written. I also think that things like certain typefaces and styles can “date” an image, and restrict the extent I’m able to make something look timeless.

Logos & Advertisements. I will do my absolute best to avoid any form of branding in my image, including on peoples clothing. This is because I don’t want my photographs to be a vehicle for other peoples messages unless that’s what I’m being paid to shoot. Similarly, I don’t actually wear any clothing with noticeable branding and conceal the branding on my cameras and other gadgets with black tape.

Baseball Caps. This one is definitely personal preference but I really dislike the way that baseball caps look. Unless I were shooting in New York I would avoid a subject wearing a baseball cap whenever possible. Especially in silhouettes it just distorts the shape of the face, and I’ve never been pleased with images featuring them.

Cars. Again, I’m not the biggest petrolhead, and the “aesthetic” of cars, even classic cars, is lost on me. I don’t like the way they render in the background of a street scene, they often feature odd curves and shapes which are difficult to use in a composition. Even when they’re very out of focus they bother me. Unless I’m specifically composing around a window or a door of a car with a subject sub-framed through that shape I’ll try and avoid cars in my compositions.

Street Performers and Other ‘Deliberate Characters.’ I’m making an effort to document very specific types of scene, and part of that means avoiding people who are going out to make a statement or deliberately be noticed. Street performers are a potentially easy hit for beginner street photographers looking for a bit of energy and action, but there’s no skill involved – it’s being put on specifically so people take notice and take photographs. It is better to avoid these scenes and to train your eye to action and energy that is not being specifically put on for an audience. That way you are capturing a more accurate and unique view on the street.

Cutting Off Limbs. Something I try really hard to do is to have good definition of my subjects by keeping my lens dead straight against any potential lines or elements that could interfere with my figure to ground. The most important thing to me is to not have any elements clashing from the background against the subject and to avoid any lines or shapes dividing up the subject – such as cutting off the top of a head or going through the ankles.

This will often happen if I am not at a low enough angle to the floor to make the line where any ground meets a wall as far toward the feet as possible.

Depth of Field. I usually shoot with my lenses wide open, with my slowest lens being a 21mm f/2.8. This means that there is a natural depth of field in the majority of my images, but I don’t necessarily keep my lenses wide open specifically for this effect. I would usually rather have the fastest shutter speed available to me and this means allowing as much light in through the aperture as possible. My use of a large aperture is usually only really noticeable in my portrait or close-up work, as in the rest of my scenes where I usually maintain a bit of distance between myself and my subjects the depth of field is not really as noticeable.

More Sky Than Ground. When it comes to composing an image featuring negative space I will usually tilt my camera up so that the upper half of the frame features more sky than the lower half ground. This does depend on the context and I have taken images I like which have more negative space on the lower half of the frame, but in general, I find I prefer images where negative space lies above my subject. I find it gives my images a sense of gravity, with elements sinking down through the frame rather than “floating.”

Diegetic Light. Diegetic is a term usually relating to the source of a sound in video/film – for example in a movie if the source of a song is apparent to come from a radio a character is listening to then that would be described as diegetic. In visual terms, if I include the source of a specific light then that would be diegetic light. I really enjoy incorporating this in my images, as I think it offers a sense of space and scale within the frame. However it is only really possible when the scenery allows it, and it isn’t something I’ll go out of my way to achieve if I think other factors are more important at the time.

Digital Manipulation, Composites, and Double Exposures. This is more of a general rule I apply to my work but I like my photography to be broadly representational of what was in front of my lens, meaning I don’t add or remove elements in post-production. Double exposures are a little different as that’s achievable in camera, but I haven’t had a lot of experience with them. I think I will be trying some techniques with my portrait work, but I don’t think it’s an aesthetic I would apply to street photography.

Clutter. This one is very subjective, but I like my images to have as little clutter as possible. My preferred lens for street photography is a 90mm, which usually means a very tight crop of the scene. This allows me to keep things that may be on the floor, or around the area out of my composition without needing to photoshop them out.

I am always reviewing my work and trying to notice things I am gravitating towards, or actively avoiding, so that I can have a better understanding not only of my photography but the way I see the world. It means being aware of what I am looking for when out and about and helping that sight to become habitual. I am sure that this list may change over time, and I am even thinking of using this list to specifically shoot only these things that I normally avoid, to see what effect that may have on my work, or change my opinions to towards why I dislike them. I encourage you to think just as much about your own work, as you may discover things about yourself and your work which could focus your approach to shooting images with greater care and consideration.

If you’d like to get a better sense of the way I compose using elements of a scene you can watch this short video of BTS clips from shooting street in 2018.

About the author: Simon King is a London based photographer and photojournalist, currently working on a number of long-term documentary and street photography projects. The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author. You can follow his work on Instagram and you can read more of his thoughts on photography day-to-day over on his personal blog. Simon also teaches a short course in Street Photography at UAL, which can be read about here.

from Photography News https://petapixel.com/2019/01/28/what-i-avoid-in-my-street-photography-and-how/

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omgstefan-blog1 · 7 years ago

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English Final assignment

Short Essay ( what is Fashion to you )

People been wondering about this particular question, “What is Fashion ?”. most people answered “ its a piece of clothing that you were in daily bases”. To me is more than just a cloth it define who the real you. Not only that , other still questioning a question that can’t be answer, but more to opinion. Simply because every one that lives on earth have different answer and taste in fashion. in my opinion fashion isn’t just wearing clothes for a day it more than that not only boosting you’re confident as well as showing the true meaning of that person personalities. Without fashion you’re living in black and white world where there aren’t any excitement or meaning into your life. To me I’m more toward into street wear and designer clothes, even If it is expensive but I do enjoy it as a designer I can see why designer clothes are pricey and lots of people enjoy it. in conclusion fashion isn’t just a fabric that you wear and feel good about it and no one have the answer for it and I believe the reason for this simply because everyone have different type of style, preference and personalities .

Long Essay ( fashion culture and trend)

fashion culture and trend are controlled by times and people. This been happening from generation to generation from year to year trend after another no matter where, when and why fashion will revolve around you and around the world no matter what it will change the only solution either to accept it and accept it or being left out by others. Most of the time people that are being ignorant to not willing to change soon will be dead, that is why a lot of fashion back then are so much different than todays fashion. In this essay I’ll discuss how fashion change and look like in 70s, 80s, 90s and nowadays fashion. fashion back in 1970’s consider to be diverse, reflecting new interest in clothing as an self expression. there are lots of mix such as hippie, retro, and punk. general silhouette was long and more hair, both sexes gave this era an androgynous appeal. This era was the time for uni-sex hair salons, where shoes appeared for both men and woman and both sexes wore high waisted paints and having shag haircuts. it also the era where continued 60’s theme of pop art, op art and psychedelia with bold print in geometric design and bright color, this style toward more to bohemian style of hippies where they wear collars and long printed dresses with lace of bib fronts. In 70’s men and women sported similar styles. High waisted pants were worn by all sexes. Bell bottoms gave the look less exaggerated flare legged pants, then move to straight legs by the end. Short and long sleeved T shirt, button down shirts we worn tight and tucked in. 80’s fashion history is memorable and quite distinctive because it favored applied decoration on T-shirt and suit. 80’s term of fashion is all about extremes, shockingly had its value the idea of women wearing shoulder pads and some big brass button to claim their happiness. The history of fashion is filled with creative styles. Its a combination of practically and innovation, they say nothing truly goes out of out style and they believe it will come back. In 1980’s fashion it refuse to die because it bought a whole new genre of clothing movie, music and other thing that are now still around. Particularly rich era for young British fashion. moving on to 90’s fashion it brought forth a youthful movement and offered carefree style which is a rebellion. Wearing grunge and minimalism were biggest trend with casual streetwear and “ sexy school girl” style. In this generation they’re trying to emulate “ too cool to care” looks and fashion was infused with this attitude. Wearing delicate slip dresses create a feminine and masculinity. one of everyday wear were layering, plaid and low-rise, ripped, wide -leg jeans. Music and fashion went hand in hand as fans replicate the unique style of their musical idols. Iconic films and pop music such as clueless, inspired other with spectrum. Some everyday wear to get that rebellion looks, mini skirt, knee high socks and platform shoes created the schoolgirl look, to top it all of add some playful body glitter.celebrities style icon of the 90’s are inspired the sartorial choices of generation, the generation style and outfits were copied and recreated, all while never failing to celebrate individual, back than everyone wanted to look like their favorite musician such as madonna, Britney Spear, Gwen Stefani or spice girls. Each of this celebrity has their own unique style for example Madonna had her unforgettable jean Paul Gaultier, cone bra. Britney offered the schoolgirl look while Gwen Stefani promote grunge. Moving on to 90’s hairstyles were anything but boring. It gave birth to several iconic styles with Youthful and Playful hair. “The Rachel” was the most popular haircut in 90’s for girl where the hair styled the half-up-half-down look was simps and modern while schoolgirl gave us pigtails hairstyle. To add more fun to 90’s hairstyle was an array of hair accessories such as butterfly clips, bandanas, scrunchies and colored hair streak were worn with pride. On 90’s they had this trend where shoes are made heavy-duty, combat boots that can be wear for male and female, it made them to look like and army. They were though, gritty and paired with slip dresses and florals to frayed jeans and flannel shirts. one of minimalist trend also had staple shoe in the way. from article that I just wrote we can see that trend overtime will change and evolve to new environments and era. Some fashion might come goes around to the present.

Long Essay ( process Fashion Product)

it took me proximately 4 days to finished my amazing and good looking product called bond. for the most part I found this actually to be okay I found lots of error in progress but overall I got this in the back. the most difficult part I find is time consumption because it is annoying just wasting time and theres nothing you can do about it. first thing that you’ll need is base, so grab some water, glue, tissue and a pair of useless shoes. I need something to stick the tissue on top of the shoes, so I created I mixture to actually stick the tissue and doesn’t waste too much material. By mixing glue with warm water. It is very important to use warm water instead of cold or room temperature water, the reason is simple it help the glue to dissolve quicker and save more energy by less stirring. 60% warm water and 40 % glue a shocker to me is the water act as a glue instead of the glue, it also help to Harden tissue to stick on shoes. another important information you’ll need is to cover every side of shoes with tissue and don’t make sure to not leave any spaces behind. multiple layer is necessary not only it made the tissue to be torn also have more texture I made mine 4 layers on each shoes. please be gentle and careful applying mixture with the tissue if not theres a chance of actually tear the tissue or broke the texture. at this point the tissue are wet and ready to be dry for this progress you don’t have to do anything just leave it on open space or air could flow. It took mine about 1 to 2 hours to completely dry up. Before letting it completely dried I bought a mannequin feet online and slide it in, by doing the base of your shoes won’t be deflated rather have and shoes shape. Once it Harden it’s similar to paper mache, take out your brush water and black poster paint because its time for the best part which is coloring the base. I feel like coloring the base with just all paint is a waste of material, instead I create another mixture involve water. 50% water and 50% paint since the base made out of tissue It will absorb a lot of moisture on the base that’s why mixing both material are important. Just take your time to paint the whole base because it going to be a while, painting sole is going to be challenged sine it isn’t covered with tissue the mixture won’t affect as well as tissue what I done is to use pure paint. once everything dry you can start making the bone so take out your das Clay and start shaping bones and joints, this is probably second difficult part in the process. I ended up making 537 bones and 315 joints, all of this are necessary and I ended up using 90% of it. the length of each bones approximately 1,5 cm x 7 cm and for the join approximately 1,5cm x 1,5 cm. After you create at least 500 bones and 300 joints you can let it dry outdoor or indoor, for outdoor with sunny weather will take 4 hours to completely dry while indoor it will took 13 hours. i strongly recommended to let it dry outside the reason is first its time consuming second it won’t stink your house with clay smell. after you got this 2 component dry and ready to use you’ll need lots of glue gun and yes this is the most hated part for this process product, reason is either you accidentally miss stick the bone or you burn or glued your own hand, It is countless how many time I actually burn my own hand and It wasn’t a pleasant memories. Moving on by plug in your hot glue and stick some bones. Before we begin to sticking I have create 2 pattern, pattern number one it consist of bone, joint, bone, joint, etc. while pattern number 2 will be joints, bone, joints, bone ,etc. the way its going to be is pattern 1 in between pattern 2 and then pattern 2 beside it will be pattern one, fill this until the front part of the shoes are completely fill and leave some spaces between each bones and joints. on each side of shoes I stick it with bones slanted a bit . At the back of the shoes stick a straight bone. as you get to the back part of the shoes the bones are designed in straight line instead of facing diagonal directions. Next is to put joints on top of slanted bones and try find the same level so it look smooth. stick 7 bones on top of front part of shoes on top of that stick some joints to create a smooth look. Beside those 7 bones put 5 ones on each side from the first to fourth bone make it straight while fifth bone make it slanted about 45 degree. Remove any glue string or excess glue. let the glue dry and you’re basically finished, this is how you create my product within 4 days .

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