#these setbacks always come when I'm finally making progress so I'll get through it I'm used to the universe's beauties and its cruelties

[edwardshundredyearoldspunk]

also, that random girl my parents took in? turns out she's pregnant. so now we're responsible for some random pregnant teenager who refuses to take the hint that she's overstayed her welcome AND my laptop broke AND my kitty might lose her eye. it's honestly surprising I am not in a constant state of meltdowns tbh

taking my kitty to the vet tomorrow for a checkup on her eye (she has a corneal ulcer that doesn't seem to be healing) and I'm so worried it's gonna be bad news. the vet said eye loss was a possibility and although she said she's seen worse cases recover I'm terrified the outcome is going to be sight loss/eye loss. I've been a wreck all week and I know part of it is my ocd's inability to deal with uncertainty. and my brain knows that but my nervous system does NOT, so I'm just trying really hard to keep my compulsions to a minimum. I keep picturing her little eye closed forever and it makes me wanna cry.

[heartfragment]

September 2024 Update

Hello everyone - it sure has been a while, huh? 

First, let me apologize that updates are so lacking lately. Unfortunately, the past few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster. The time that should have been for working on Heart Fragment the most was unfortunately addled by some rough life circumstances. I won't go into depth too much, as it'd be a lot to put on everyone, but I want to share that the struggle exists because I believe in transparency while I keep you all updated. I don't want to worry anyone though; I feel like things are finally, hopefully, beginning to improve and I am feeling much more like myself again. 

That said, it has not been all bad! There's been a lot of positives as well and as I come out of what felt like a nightmare where I'd lost myself, I'm able to reflect on all the good things that have managed to keep me afloat. I am not going to let these setbacks keep me down forever. I've been pushing through and making progress whenever I can.

The support and patience of everyone during this time of general inactivity is extremely appreciated. I've said before and I'll say it again - the writing, programming, and development aspects of Heart Fragment has been primarily a one-person job, and sometimes that's an awful lot to carry in addition to the life struggles that one has to face. Even so, I'm still deeply passionate about finishing this project no matter what, and I am determined that I will see it through to the end.

Please know that I am not using this as an excuse for any delays or setbacks in progress. I am committed to this game and I am going my best to strike a better work-life balance moving forward. I've historically had a tendency to neglect my health and work for long hours to get things done as quickly as possible, but I am realizing more and more just how damaging that was.

With all that out of the way, let's get some good news in here!

As you know, in terms of story, the only route left to finish is Natalia's. Despite everything, I'm happy to say I've made some progress on it and I can't wait for you all to play it. There's been a lot of hype for Jasper's route that I've seen, but I hope you'll all enjoy Natalia's story too - it is a very complex one with a lot of layers to it, and I think anyone who has played the previous routes will have a fun time picking up all of the little details. 

I know it may seem like progress has been slow, and I thank you all once again for your patience and understanding. I am really putting my heart and soul into this project. The enthusiasm and encouragement that I've seen over the last while has been a driving force for me not to give up and my day is always brightened when someone has something positive to say about Heart Fragment. It is like a little spark of hope that keeps me running!

Until next time, everyone! Thanks again for your continued support. With lots of love,

Casper Swann

[seriousacademic]

Posting this to get it out of my head and into an accountability sphere:

I'm sick.

I have a meeting with my chair/supervisor tomorrow morning and an upcoming deadline. I always feel the (self-imposed) pressure to produce on Mondays so I'm ready for the Tuesday a.m. check-in.

I recently had a setback/detour of maybe about a week when I discovered halfway through my literature review that there was an entire paradigm for my research that I had just discovered/hadn't read about. (Read: the paradigm is essentially the entire focus of my research. Woo. Everything prior had been adjacent) so I powered through dozens of articles while also juggling course assignments and a full-time job. And was understandably burnt out.

But then I shook it off, got back to writing, and wrote up a couple new sections for the lit review. I planned to repeat that level of productivity today, reasoning that I'd wrap up the final sections and revisions in time to submit my draft in a week.

Except I'm sick.

I've been wrestling with this all day. I can barely focus. I can barely hear myself think.

I've tried to come up with little productivity bits I can do to feel like I'm still making progress.

But what I need more is to rest.

Tomorrow, I'll talk about my progress and aim to have a draft ready for the following week, and see what she says.

The scary thing pounding through my head is, "what if you really actually need TWO weeks?"

And to that I say: then one Monday of not writing wasn't going to make much of a difference, then.

So now I'm curled up on the couch and am giving myself grace to rest and stop wrestling with the hustle.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[i-like-sparkly-things]

Beautiful?

A Halstead!Sister

'But they don't know. They don't know what it's like to be you. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for.

A body nobody wanted.'

Warnings : eating disorder, body insecurities, body dismorphia

Requested : Yup, by anon , 'could u do a fic where she has an eating disorder? and doesn’t tell jay but then one day she passes out at school and has to tell him?'

Word count : 1.7k

Note : this took too long I don't know why 😭but yall Guess who's thankful that yall bear with my English ? me. :) and ps this is my first request!! And yall please please know that all of you are so freaking beautiful and worth fighting for. Know that you are loved and it is never, ever weak to ask for help.

**************************

The constant pain and sleepless nights were paying off. Your eyes sparkled when you saw your new numbers. It was working.

You took your diary, crossing out breakfast on the to do list after eating a banana.

This was going to be simple. check what you eat, check your weight and repeat . You knew that if you tried really hard, you would be the one in control.

Control. That's all you wanted. Such an easy, yet painful thing.

You looked to the mirror, as your hands hovered over your ribs sticking to the skin . You'd never felt so beautiful in your life. But your eyes roamed down to your thighs. The flesh of your legs were touching. It wasn't enough.

It was never enough.

'' Y/n , come on ! Move your ass! I need to get to work!! '' Jay shouted for you, from downstairs.

'' Shut uppp I'm comingg'', you yelled back.

Ever since your mom had died, dad always kept to himself leading you to stay with your brothers. It had become a routine. Jay  would drop you off at school and Annie's mom would give you a ride home.

Lucky for you , Jay was constantly busy with cases. He hadn't noticed your new diet or the mood swings.

**************************

Your teacher had started the lesson. And slowly you sensed something wrong. Your head was pounding. God why is she so blurry? You look to Anne sitting next to you and she's Blurry too. You felt your body giving up to the swaying ground.

'' y/n!! '' Annie shreiked as your limp body crashed to the floor.

****************************

'' Chuckles!? '' Trudy called out,climbing the stairs to intelligence. "Do I look like a cocktail waitress to you? Where have you been??"

"Morning to you too, sarge" Jay sighed. "and its detective"

" Well , Detective , Y/n fainted at school and wanted you to pick her up"

"What ?" he asked shocked, aldready beginning to pick up his jacket.

"Sarge" he said, looking to Voight for approval, although he would leave nonetheless. "Go."

*****************************

"Mr. Halstead" the school nurse addressed him, as he entered the clinic.

"Call me jay. Y/n, are you okay? what the hell happened?" he asked you worried.

You had never fainted before and apart from the flu every couple of years, you had a clean bill of health, as far as he knew.

"Jay, I promise I'm fine. Just got a little dizzy, that's all" you answered knowing how overprotective he can get. Now all you could hope for was that he would let this slide.

"I tried getting some food in her but she told me she was fine" the nurse explained to Jay.

God No. the the salad she offered you had so many calories.  you had made too much progress nothing was going to stop you especially a simple fainting episode. It was a minor setback but you were sure you could continue your weight loss diet.

" What, WHY? " he questioned, but just  as you were thinking of a better reply " You know what, I'm gonna take her home." he interrupted your thoughts as he spoke to the nurse.

" Only if you are sure, you're good"

" I am Jay. One hundred percent." you replied, happy to skip the rest of the school day.

It's not like you've been paying attention any ways. You'd zone out a lot during class and  your constant hunger and cramps didn't help either. But you drowned these feelings away with small sips of water and occasional slices of cucumbers.

You Craved the Emptiness. the feeling of being lighter. The feeling of being....... perfect. It was intoxicating.

Taking your school bag, Jay wrapped a study arm around your shoulders , guiding you through the school corridors and towards his truck.

"God, I can't wait to go to bed", You said climbing the truck and fastening your seat belt.

"Yeah right. I'm taking you to med" he stated. "WHAT? Jay, what the hell ? I told you, I'm fine!!"

You knew Will was working and didn't want either of your brothers to know about your new diet or how much weight you had lost. It was too late to quit. The disgusting image in the mirror was slowly getting better..... getting thinner, prettier.

"You've never fainted before Y/n, and I promise I'll get Will to run the exams and do all the tests" he assured you.

****************************

"Y/n, I thought I told you I never wanted to see you here again.", Maggie greeted, pointing a finger at you.

"Awwww  but I missed you", you pouted, " No don't do that. your brother's waiting in treatment room 3 so you better get going." she instructed and you dropped your school bag near the nurses station.

You and Jay enter the room, to a very worried Will. "Y/n, what happened?" he asked , gesturing you to sit on the bed.

"did you hit your head when you fell? Did you fall in the bathroom or something like that?", he continued, not giving you time to answer.

"what did the nurses say? are you stressed about school?" " Will-", you interrupted his rambling " I'm fine, just..... got a little dizzy."

You watched , as he took his pen light to your eyes. "Ah! Will, stop!!" You said, trying and failing to refrain him.

"You know, it'll be easier if you stop squirming" Jay commented with a smug smile. "Your not going anywhere"

"Shut up" you groaned.

You need to get out of here. What if they gave you food. What if they found out you were hungry all the time. They'd never stop making fun of you. They'd tell you that you were overreacting and that all this was so unnecessary.

But they didn't know. They didn't know what it was like to be you. They didn't have floppy arms or fleshy thighs. They didn't know what it was like to wake up everyday, to a body you never asked for. A body nobody wanted.

******************************

"Jay" Will called out, seeing him outside your room. It had been a couple of hours since you were bought in.

Will had ordered some tests, being the ass he was.

Wonderful. You just hoped that all the tests would be normal and you could get the hell out of there.

"yeah man? just needed to text Hailey, Why, what's wrong?" Jay asked, studying the worried expression on his brother's face

"It's Y/n. "

***************************

You were fiddling with the hem of your t-shirt when your brother's walked in, staring at you, as if you were a ghost.

"Y/n," Jay croaked out his voice laced with dread, "how long?"

No. No. No. This can't be happening. God, you knew that they were going to hate you forever.

"what the are you talking about?" you needed to try to get them to back away."Is something wrong?"

They were standing on either side of your bed. Jay came closer and sat down on your right the beside your knees, eyes never leaving yours.

"Your tests-" Will started, "They came back showing you have severe deficiencies. That your body is struggling to survive. That it's not getting enough food." he broke away from your gaze.

"We um-" Jay, as if almost on queue, continued."We looked through your school bag and found your diary. "

You sucked in a sharp breath and shook your head. No. He knew. They knew.

All your calorie counts, the amount of calories you can have in a day, your research on diets, workouts, to do lists, hell, even your Period Tracker was written down. (although you barely had it anymore)

That book was the reason you were finally becoming happy with yourself. Your body.

'I'm sorry', you mouthed "I'm so, so sorry" This was it. Your voice hitched, as tears flowed down your cheeks. "I was finally happy"

In an instant, your brothers were by your side.

Jay engulfed you into his chest, your words circling his mind. 'Finally?' God, you lived together! You were his sister! His baby sister! How could he have let this happen to you? How could he not have noticed that you were drowning? That you were starving yourself. What kind of brother was he?

Will rubbed your back, until your sobs became quieter. He was a doctor. A damn doctor! God knows how long this has been going on, but at the end of the day.... he failed. He failed to be there,..... when you needed him.

"Y/n, you don't have to do this. You're beautiful Y/n. You really are. And I'm sorry that anyone else has convinced in otherwise" Jay breathed out, hoping you heard him, in his embrace.

"It felt good, Jay" your voice was muffled by his shirt, but to your brothers, your voice was loud and clear.

"Did it?" You turned to Will, "Did the hunger feel good?" his heart broke saying the words out loud.

'Yes', you wanted to answer. Of course it felt good. You were getting so many compliments from your friends at school. Boys started acknowledging you now.

It was like you finally existed. You felt...... worthy.

But with all the strength you could muster up, you couldn't get the words out. Because there was always one voice that told you to quit. The voice you'd been drowning out for so long. The voice that told you, that you were in fact, beautiful.

Your mother's.

"No" you said, realizing that Will had tears in his eyes as well.

But you couldn't find a hint of shame in them, no matter how much you searched. Instead, you were met with the immense worry and guilt of your brother.

"We can help, Y/n" Will said, as he took your hand in his, "We will help and we'll be there every step of the way."

"Every step" Jay assured and you turned to him. "All you need to do, is let us in"

You weren't prepared for this. You had no idea what to say.

You didn't want to feel tired all the time, always craving for food. But the idea of going back - back to all that shame - that's what scared you.

"Y/n," Will spoke up, seeing as you were struggling to answer, "I promise you, we are going to make you feel better...... and we'll fight those thoughts of yours together."

You took a shaky breath.

Thoughts.

Your thoughts.

You had let them consume you for a long time now. Too long. maybe..... Maybe the right voice to follow, was your mothers'. "okay-" you sobbed, "okay", and once again you found yourself in Jay's arms.

You, clinging to him like your life depended on it and him holding you tight, because it did. His hand rested on your head, tangled with your hair.

Will saw a tear make its way down his brothers cheek, something he hasn't witnessed often.

Your brothers sat silently, listening to you cry. Taking in the conversation, only having a glimpse of the pain you were in.

You had a long, long road ahead but as you sat in your brother arms, you felt a sense of peace, comfort maybe.

******************************

Masterlist