#there's something esp heartbreaking about the act of sharing a meal together being portrayed as icy as this is

[aces-and-angels]

jensen: i want to miss you. i want you to miss me too. but you don't- and neither do i. only sometimes. and sometimes doesn't feel like enough.

Halloween (chapter 6)

Book: Open Heart

Chapter: 6/7

Character(s): Jensen Valentine (MC), April Smith (OC)

Rating: Teen

Words: 1186

Chapter Summary: A tense meal between Jensen and his mother

Lyrics:

I know that you fear that I'm wicked and weary

I know that you’re fearin' the end

But I only tell the truth when I'm sure that I'm lyin'

So I'm settin' sail once again

He glanced at the clock on the wall, the second hand ticking away at a record time. He made it there early—for probably the first time in his entire life—after Lenora, his foster mom, dropped him off at a semi-decent diner only a few blocks away from her house.

She asked a few times if he’d rather her stay, but he didn’t think that’d go too well. It was a miracle enough that they granted unsupervised visits. Though, he had a feeling his mom wasn’t too happy about it at all.

The last time he saw or spoke to her was the fifteen minute recess in his last hearing. She stopped on her lunch break, barely spoke two words to him, then left again. It had been over a month since. She had surely received a number of letters on the terms of their visits, considering that she had been ruled unfit to care for him, and this was their first allotted meeting time that she agreed to.

Outside, the sky was still gray but the snow had ceased. He had attended his new school for only two days before winter break, and now there were only a few left until he’d have to go back. They were having their new years celebration tomorrow night and he would be surprised if they let him stay up past 9:00 PM. 

He wanted to tell her about how they were. About how sterile their house felt, how his room was made for someone much younger than him, with a toy chest in the corner of the room decorated with classic kid’s toys and little pictures on the walls. 

Maybe he should leave out the nice bed with new sheets and blankets, built with a frame and box spring. And maybe the little basket of fruit sitting on their kitchen counter. And the fully stocked fridge, family photos on the walls, and the desk, beanbag, closet doors, and full dresser in his room. 

Maybe he just shouldn’t bring it up at all.

A waitress walked by and gestured with a pot of coffee. He shook his head no before checking the empty parking spots outside again. 

It had been another ten minutes and she still wasn’t there. Lenora was supposed to be back after an hour, and at this rate they wouldn’t be able to finish their food, even if it was done by then.

He picked at the napkin in front of him, pulling off little pieces and crumpling them up. Snacking on the little crackers in the basket in front of him, he finally heard her shuffle in, trying to take her coat off as the hostess led her in.

She settled in, shoving her coat and purse onto the chair next to her and giving the waitress a smile as she poured her a mug of decaf.

“Hi,” he said as she added her sugar and two creams. She hummed in reply, setting the garbage off to the side of the table, swapping it out for her menu.

He already picked what he wanted before she got there, waiting for her to choose before starting the conversation again.

“How has work been?”

“Oh, just great. The car stopped working again, so I couldn’t get there on Tuesday.”

He never really knew how to respond to her. He knew that things went wrong for her often, and maybe there weren’t many positive things to look for, but it was hard to come up with a response to only negative options. She kept going, talking about how shit work was and the people at work, as he quietly waited for her to be done.

Thankfully the waitress came around again before he had to say anything. They both ordered and sat in silence once again.

“So how are they? Your new parents?” she asked. It didn’t sound like it was in an accusational way, but it was hard to tell when he knew how good she was at hiding it.

“Fine. They’re kinda boring, but it’s okay.”

She gave him a look that told him to keep talking.

“There’s not a lot of color in their house. It looks like it’s a show house, I guess. And they have kinda boring jobs. It’s just not very exciting.”

“Well maybe you should be a little more grateful—raising a kid is fucking expensive, you know that.”

God, he couldn’t fucking tell if she was on his side or not. One minute she was shit talking with him, and the next she was ridiculing him for not being grateful, or appreciative, or thankful enough. Maybe he was reading into it too far, but he wished just once they could have a casual conversation without feeling like he had to worry about saying the wrong thing.

Their food got there and he was quick to start eating, both of them sitting in silence. It was usually like this. Most of the time their conversations couldn’t stay civil, so saying nothing was the safest option.

He thought she’d miss him. Even though it was easier for her—not worrying about getting him to school, not worrying about keeping them in a big enough space, not worrying about putting food on the table for both of them—he thought that maybe they could throw away the tension for one breakfast together. 

Something was wrong, though. He didn’t even try to call her in the last month when they were apart, too busy with his new school and new life to even make an attempt. He knew she was probably busy, too, but he couldn’t help but be upset that she didn’t make an attempt either. Even asking more than one question would’ve made it feel semi-normal. Maybe about his school, or what he had been up to, or what they did for the holidays. Even though it wasn’t much, it was better than nothing. It was better than pretending this was how he wanted her to react after not seeing him—truly seeing him—for two months.

But maybe it was wrong that he didn’t miss her as much as he should have, either. He probably should’ve felt bad for not calling—he did every once in a while—but at the same time, it was refreshing. It was refreshing to be away and stressed for different reasons; not ones that threatened his quality of life.

And even now, maybe he shouldn’t feel so bad. Sitting in silence across from her for a brunch she didn’t seem that she wanted to be at. Sitting in silence after two months of barely speaking, after being taken away from her. After a month in a juvenile detention center he shouldn’t have been at. After being made into a fucking spectacle in front of his peers, the community, for a crime that shouldn’t have even gotten him arrested but somehow his two best friends got off with nothing and he was made to look like a whole ass criminal. Where was she then? After years and years of struggle, you’d think getting out of it would be just the miracle they needed.

tagging: @jerzwriter @cariantha @kyra75 @gutsfics @inlocusmads @lilyoffandoms @choicesficwriterscreations