#there's a guy from school here lol kinda awk kinda not idek him i think he's in my year level

[queenoflaughter]

got a pasito yummy in my tummy #need2lockin

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhh welp... *derps x2* (Update and some past therapy and college/uni talk)

I really wanted to write a post but at the same time I’m not feeling very well and feel like the effort to do so might drain me even more. Maybe I’ll try write it more brief, since all my previous posts end up so hella long lol. 

Anyways, on monday was what I thought would be a therapy session but it was in fact another referral consultation, but I still poured all my truthful feelings and fears out. I feel kinda proud I didn’t kind of hold back or soften the things I said as much as I usually would (though I still stumbled over some words and blanked a little, but it’s okay!). Also I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be, I was just so focused on trying to give the consultant all the relevant information possible and almost went overtime in my super fired up blabby confession moment lol. She noted it all down and said she’d speak with her supervisor and decide where or who best to refer me to and be in contact by the end of the week.

I literally told her so many things that I would have a hard time telling anyone or even writing here. I began with the avoidant stuff and then kinda veered off into my super paranoid-ness troubles and a little on dependent-ness, it was... ugh... real difficult to talk about it without feeling like a fool but I also mentioned how I’ve been trying really hard to rationalise things and be more positive and stuff and for someone to acknowledge and sort of praise that felt nice. I also pulled out some of the most random and uncomfortable situations from my past to give as examples for things and it was uh... I struggled a bit and felt awkward a little but she was very sympathetic and nice! :> 

When she asked what my perception of myself was, as I mentioned I have a low view of myself, I said what I thought (and it was only a few adjectives of the negative kind, but they were strong words... I guess I am being too hard on myself, but I can’t help it when it’s all I can see of myself :c) and she was a little surprised and said not many people would be able to say it so bluntly *laughs nervously and burrows head in the sand*. I made sure to get across that I’m very sensible about my actions and have been trying my best to improve and that I have a lot of hope to get better and she said this was good too ^^ There was a lot of other stuff but it’s too much effort to write down and remember lol. I’m not sure what she makes of all the stuff I said and what the supervisor will say about it, I just hope it goes in the right direction and stuff ahhh >< (Also that they don’t ask to see my blog because I did happen to mention it... they wouldn’t though right...? Like to make me conquer my fears or something ;w; ...Even if they did (unlikely) I could say no, don’t worry silly self!)

No obligations! My new mantra XD (Idek know if I’m using the right word but oh well, it works for me so imma use it! lololol~) Getting stuff off the chest and having your problems acknowledged really does feel like a weight has been lifted slightly hoo~ I feel a little bit more motivated and willing to disclose my fears and keep pushing to improve too ^^ 

I went to the supermarket after that with my sis who drove me to and from the appointment and I browsed around at a super leisurely pace. Maybe it was the sort of motivation boost from letting off the steam at the consultation that allowed me to roam around feeling less conscious of the other shoppers than I usually do, it was nice. I did still feel awk sometimes squeezing past people and sort of hovering around them cause I wanted to look at something but I persisted and I got to peruse as much as I wanted >:D

I said I didn’t want the post to get long but I thought why not write a little about my past therapy experiences since this post is about therapy, so here I go~! :U

In college I went to see a therapist lady about my ‘social anxiety’. I don’t remember the details before that, it was probably me finally acknowledging I was genuinely having a hard time with socialising or fitting in wherever I am and constantly being anxious around others that prompted me to get help. It’s likely I read some shizz off the internet then too lol. I think in school before that I would converse and confide in a friend who also had similar feelings but when it got to college I hardly saw them because their schedule was like the opposite of mine. The line between friends and classmates, it kinda becomes clear once you stop being together out of convenience (of the same class times and such).

The friendships I had and were grateful for just gradually faded and I guess my lack of initiative (or fear) to continue communication outside just made it even more inevitable. It’s okay though, people move on and people change, especially in the case of when people move to far away locations too. They have their life to live however and with whoever they want, and I have mine (which is terrible but... maybe it won’t be later on). I do miss them and I miss the time I spent in school with them, but what I hope most is that they are all happy and doing well c: There’s a lot more I’d want to write, but this post isn’t about that. There’s plenty of time to reminisce, remedy and maybe even reconnect with them someday later on.

Anyways, I can’t remember anything too detailed with the therapy there except we talked some and she game some sort of worksheets with some tasks to help me acknowledge my feelings and fears and to try expose myself to them little by little. I don’t think I got that far with that or maybe it’s because I chose to start seeing her so close to the end of my time at college that well the sessions obviously didn’t continue for long, I don’t think I went more than a small handful of times. 

Something else I remember from probably one of my first talks with her, is that she asked me what I would wish for (or where I’d wish to live?? idk too long ago to remember) if I could, and I said something like to live in a normal house like everyone else lol. Idk I was envious of the cosy homes my friends, relatives and families on tv have that were so different from my own, more modern and homely unlike mine which is so old, unconventional and constantly noisy because my parents workplace is aside it. (Maybe the work place and home being so close makes it hard for my parents to sort of separate their work mindset and leisure time and that’s why they can never sort of relax and why I can never be comfortable idk.) Uh well anyways, she replied that it was such a humble(?) modest(??) wish... uh I’m really not sure of the right word to use to describe it or what she said exactly but basically it was indicating my wish was not like the extravagant sort of things other people would probably wish for. My wish (though I can’t remember the exact context leading up to asking about it) was in essence to be normal and have a normal environment and I guess that still stands, though I do have bigger dreams now too, but still not the overly extravagant kind haha. Idek what I was trying to say in this paragraph lol *goldfish memory*.

Also something else during college time, is that I went to this breathing exercise help thing which was supposedly supposed to help people who are anxious in exams or something but I just went in hope it might help me in general. It literally was just listening to some relaxing nature sounds and seeing some matching imagery while having your pulse tracked at the same time and I sucked at it and didn’t really improve much lol XD It was supposed to help you regulate your breathing and stuff but I just probably got more anxious about it. I wonder if it is anxiety that has been causing me all sorts of worrisome chest related problems, as they have persisted till now more than a decade later unresolved and still causing me bother. This is one of the health problems out of many which I have been trying to get to the bottom of and fix in the recent years, it’s really unsettling not knowing what’s really wrong or how to fix it ugh. Maybe I’ll write about it in a separate post another time (always putting off stuff ahhh, but I guess it makes sense to here), I’ve actually been trying real hard and gone through quite a lot of things in effort to resolve things, I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so but I need to continue to persevere.

Hmm... okay now for the therapist I went to in university. I can’t remember the exact thing that prompted me to start going or how I came to know of it, but it was probably the similar feelings of struggling and needing guidance and idk reading posters or some info booklets maybe. I know I started going later than I could have again and stopped going completely because... well, I ended up dropping out of Uni altogether :c I was struggling so badly, the anxiety, the depression etc. just made it so difficult to sleep, concentrate or understand anything and just being there unnerved me so much. I still regret it and feel like such a failure, but university isn’t for everyone anyways, I just chose to go because it is the typical thing to do after college (but a degree doesn’t guarantee work or anything so bleeeh~)

The therapist I was appointed was a guy and he was nice and this will sound really ridiculous and I feel real bad thinking this, but something about the way he looked reminded me of an army sergeant and it made me extra uncomfortable and intimidated. It was just so hard to unsee and also the fact he is a guy like I mentioned earlier make me unsettled (I’m even more insecure around guys) Dx Also I remember talking about some of my female related physical problems as I was going to doctors trying to sort stuff back then too (still partially unresolved now ugh) and well uh... it was so awks but he said he could understand and relate because his daughter had the same problem, he would share some stories about her other times too and I guess it was kind of nice, it helped me to see him more as a softer father type person rather than an army sergeant I guess lol.

Anyways that’s not important! One of the things I distinctly remember about my sessions there, is that one of his earlier sort of tasks was to write down what I thought of myself on a paper. I took the paper and I drew a simple scrawl of myself with an unhappy face and next to it (or in a speech bubble) I wrote ‘I hate myself’ and without looking up, I cried onto it... :< (I wonder how many times therapists have to see people cry a week or even a day ><) He gave me a sympathetic look and I don’t remember what else happened that session, probably just talked about some more basic stuff about myself and some positive thinking advice.

Another thing I found memorable is that he told me ‘you are the one that knows yourself best’ and it really stuck with me. There was also a kind of ‘you are the only one that can change yourself/you are the one that can help yourself most’ kind of phrase (but I can’t remember the exact wording) and before that he would use a sort of metaphorical situation and ask me what I would do. The one for this phrase was something about being out at sea/or a pool and needing help... *blank blank something something* ...uh I can’t remember the rest of the details and I don’t think I should guess because I made a whole lotta nonsense in the other paragraph before lol. Again it feels kind of unreal, like I was a different person then or that I’m seeing it from a different perspective... I wonder if it’s dissociation or something, it just feels so strange ><

Oh also this is semi-irrelevant but I went to have Dyslexia tests at both college and uni also (my friend that already went recommended me to go). I just wanted to know why I was struggling so bad, why I had so much trouble with concentrating, taking in info and all that stuff. Maybe I’ll write about the outcome of these and where they lead me another time (ugh) when I write about all my other health focused posts. I’ll just mention again that so many things in mental health and function overlap and that it’s so difficult to discern the definitive reasons for things, the diagnosis I got was...eh... and I took it with a grain of salt pretty much (and btw my family/relatives weren’t all that convinced or supportive of this or when I had a diagnosis of depression which was... well it wasn’t great). I’m glad I had the courage to go to these too because it did help me to understand myself and work a tiny bit more efficiently, but I guess my avpd-ness prevented me from wanting to use the stuff and advice they gave me in class and well, it was already kind of too late to sort of salvage what little motivation I had then and try continue.

Uh... that was hella negative. But I guess that’s basically all I remember about those things. I started writing this post on monday but well I guess I had more to write about than I thought and I didn’t have enough time alone to think about it and write it lol. I’ll finish this post by mentioning some of my more positive things from yesterday ^^ I phoned the mobile provider of this phone I bought recently and returned to get some details on my return. I’ve put this off for a few days already and wasn’t going to try, but I pushed myself to and yay I got the answer I wanted (though I could have said my question a bit more straight forward in the beginning instead but in the end I got there, so it’s okay xD). The past year or so I’ve called the doctors and my phone provider the most probably lol. About why I returned the phone... I just really wanted a new phone because mine is so old and frustratingly dysfunctional, but I changed my mind about the one I got and decided to wait to get another one. Indecision and impulse buying at it’s best yo~~~

Also I emailed an enquiry to a seller about some problem I had with some product bought from Amazon (which I’ve also been putting off). In general I feel I’ve been trying harder to not let that ‘oh no someone’s gonna judge me’ feeling from stopping me do some small things I wanted to do, like listen to this derpy old cd I found on my living room stereo just before and commenting on some things online (with my cheesy jokes and over enthusiastic complimenting as usual lol *facepalm*). Also thinking more positively about things like, when you feel you weren’t successful, it’s best not to beat yourself up about it, at least you tried and you can try again and it might be even better than previously. Like with this post, I didn’t finish it on monday or yesterday like I wanted, but there’s no point feeling down or mad at myself for it (I mean it was my own choice really and my fear stopping me, but it’s not gonna help to be overly harsh to myself about it) and since I’m continuing it now anyways, it’s no big deal. It wasn’t mandatory for me to finish it, I shouldn’t worry about it, no obligations! ^^ I hope I can keep it up and keep pushing out of my comfort zone too! 

Ze end~! Must go do something more productive! Let’s go~! :3