#thepunkintuitive

[thepunkintuitive]

That 'Oh.' Feeling.

Have you ever met someone you really admired but you also felt a weird sense of competition towards them? Well that's how I felt about G.

G and I went to high school together and we're friends almost instantly. Like that friend you make and you might remember when you met but not how. We were apart of fairly big group, about 7 of us. We had alternating members of course, but the main cast felt strong. It wasn't until about 11th grade that we started to find different groups of people and by senior year we weren't super close but remained mutuals.

Like all people we stayed in tune with each other's lives via social media throughout college. I made sure to document the hell out of everything in film school but unfortunately for me things turned to shit. I could go on a terrorizing ramble about those memories but to keep it brief, i dropped out. But through the screen, G's life appeared to be on the up and up. Working in the music industry, traveling, going to concerts, constant outings with friends, huge following on social media. I spent almost 2 years feeling like a fly on the wall. The FOMO got to me so bad and it made sense. I had practically no friends besides depression, anxiety and escapism and them bitches were getting annoying.

Eventually, I went radio silent. On everyone. Turned myself away from all the people, places, things that were not making me be my best. I focused on healing. But I still couldn't shake G from the back of my mind as if one day she was gonna reach out and come save me. A mantra I repeat to myself often, "No One is Coming to Save You!!". But here I am now almost a year later from cutting everyone off and while I'm MUCH better than I was a year ago, mentally, physically, spiritually... I'm still without friends. I often ask myself... Did I protect my peace a bit too hard? I have new hobbies and creative prospects but I'm still parasocially living through G. What do I do? It wouldn't kill me if I just... reach out?

So a weekend goes by and I'm in my head. I'm conversing with the spirits that reside in my room on what's the best way to start the conversation. I'm sick to my stomach, in tears because I hate reaching out but I do it. I keep it honest and write something along the lines of "hey, sorry to be pinging you at 1 AM. hope you're good, love seeing you succeed, do you want to reconnect?". Hours go by and I discover her positive response and so we have casual discussion over the course of a few days. But then that voice in my head just had to ask, why am I doing this?

What are you actually desiring from this connection? Are you hoping they just turn around and ask you to be a part of their friend group? Why do you now all of the sudden feel the need to be posting on social media? Is it to keep up? Not feel left behind? Why do desire to 'start fresh' with people who know the smaller, quieter, more humble version of you? Is it because it's what you want, or is it easy? How come you only think about the cute and funny parts of the past? What about the parts where you were lowkey a punching bag, or just simply not enough? Or how come you stay fixated on what could be? Where does this all come from?

This is where my head has been for the last two days. Because as much as I hate that voice, she is a know it all. And she knows all. I don't think I want this. I don't think I need to get back on to the horse that is comparison. Online or in person. As I write this, I think about how nice it would be to find my own friends. How awesome it would be to meet those who can appreciate me when i'm big and obnoxious and loud. Who are ready to embrace me now and i don't have to wait for when they have time for me. It can feel hard to start fresh when you have a history of things going wrong, even if now you know you're better than the old you. But it's always best to keep the past where it is. Accept the dollar and not 4 quarters.

And that's my 'Oh.' feeling.

[thepunkintuitive]

Mars and Pluto.

Pluto the planet of transformation will soon be transitioning to Aquarius for the next decade and change. This maybe an difficult transition for some but it will bring much necessary change.

I am entering what I would like to consider my villain era. Stupid, I know but I think of myself currently in this incubator stage and my time is very soon. A lot of people underestimated me when I undercooked, unaware of my talents and capabilities. It was easy for a lot of people to push me to the back or take someone else's word over mine. Silence me, only appreciate me when i'm convenient. There was once a time where I thought all the pain or the pressure would get to me, and potentially take me out. But then I remembered who I was. An alchemist.

I am becoming my biggest fear, and maybe it's not a fear of my own but rather one that has been projected onto me my entire life. Stories such as Harry Potter and prophecies of Greek mythology are so eerily aligned with myself and my story. I was always meant to shine in this life. I was always meant to be powerful. Is there a part of me shit scared of the ventures I will soon lead? Tremendously. But am I ready to do what I've waited 23 years in the gutter for? Abso-fucking-lutely.

I can't wait to become what I was always meant to be. I can't wait to impose my biggest revenge. lol.

[thepunkintuitive]

HERE I AM.

i've been craving to anonymity on the internet for ages because unfortunately my life is too boring and grey that it doesn't fit into the aesthetic of tiktok or instagram and that's why i sit in 200 view jail. but that doesn't matter anymore because i take on the lives of my mother jenna hamilton from awkward and her mother carrie from sex and the city and here we have an internet diary.

here's what you need to know. i, 23, am an unemployed filmmaker and music artist/producer. i have never worked longer than a month and maybe that's because of undiagnosed audhd. i also happen to be very spiritual and read tarot. i'm starting this blog to document how my life is going to change, because i know it is.

as someone who didn't grow up with much of a voice, i don't care if my woes of life get lost in the ethers. however, if someone does happen to catch a glimpse of my spewing than i'll feel better. so here's to trying something new.