#then i finished that fic and i'm sure no one's reading all these but i love you guys sm š
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Your fic recs on here have never failed me. Do you happen to have any recs in which cas stays an angel? I think dean is allowed to fuck eldrich beings and grow old next to one and apparently not many other people do šā
omggg i am so glad that you have enjoyed my fic recs!! and if you've been keeping up with those, then i'm sure you definitely know by now just how in love i am with someonetoanyone's entire portfolio of Destiel works, but imma recommend them again anyway. i know i sound like a broken record at this point, but i will never stop singing their praises bc they deserve it. they are truly my favorite Destiel fic writer ever, and i am completely serious when i say i've been ruined for almost all other Destiel fanfics now lmao. nothing hits for me anymore quite like their fics do š i believe all of their completed fix-its feature seraph Castielā my personal favorites are Being Led Home (need an acc to read) and Perihelion.
tbh yeah i agree with you. i haven't found too many fix-its that contain Cas keeping his grace. i'm sure they're out there, but idk where they are lol. if anyone who sees this post wants to drop some links in the comments, pls do so!
it seems as though the fandom generally favors human!Cas for post-finale fics, which is fine! i get it. but i'm like you; i prefer Castiel in all his angelic glory. unfortunately, i don't have any others favorited that i can recommend for you at the moment š
however!... š there is a fic currently in the works as a present specifically for me by a certain someone (you can probably guess who lmao š¤), for which i am positively ecstatic. it's a finale fix-it and it will contain eldritch horror Castiel, with all his beautifully cosmic otherworldliness. i don't want to give too much more away about it, but i'll just say- it's going to fucking Slap. there isn't a current timeframe for when it will be posted, but just keep an eye out and trust that when it does go live, i will be yodeling about it on here the nanosecond that i finish reading it
#these days it seems like all i ever recommend anymore are melanie's fics#i would say i'm sorry but#i'm not#ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ#destiel#spn#supernatural#destiel fanfic#fic recs#anon#asks
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Woe, unfinished, mildly edited, fulfire fic tid-bits be upon you
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Like a magnet, his optics kept drifting back to Misfire's face. His stupid, strangely charming face.
For a short while, after Clemency, it had been that face that haunted some of his nightmares. His recalls blurring the lines between the strange reality of Misfire's hands reaching into him to lock his fuel pump back into the very spot he'd pulled it from, and the fear that just as easily he could pull it out again. They had been bloody dreams. Dreams that had him startling awake, gripping his chest in the vain attempt to close what wasn't open, before spending the rest of the day avoiding Misfire's optics.
But now things were different. Not Misfire's face. No, that hadn't changed much. But Fulcrum's dreams had definitely changed. To say the least of what all rolled around in his processor as he slept nowadays.
Some of those newer dreams had crept to the forefront of his mind as he sat there on the couch, staring as the lights of the screen reflected dully across Misfire's plating in hazy blues and greys.
The lighting made his colors seem muddy and faded, but Fulcrum didn't really care, nor did he care to think what it made himself look like. He was too busy bringing an empty engex can to his lips while he watched the crinkle of Misfire's nose as he barked a laugh at something Fulcrum didn't catch onscreen.
He'd started noticing it months ago, all the ways the silvery mesh of Misfire's face would scrunch up with his emotions. Those little crinkles along his optics and nose when he laughed or glared. The creases indented along his cheeks when he grinned. Fulcrum found himself quietly logging away these little details. Idle notes and observations that had suddenly started piling up in the corners of his processer.
Heā¦ He'd never really done that before? He'd never really noticed those sorts of things in other mechs.
The faces and expressions of his past colleagues never seemed terribly important. All the details of every smile and frown were never worth filing away, outside of few notable moments where those expressions reflected his work performance. But besides the smile that meant promotion, and the frown that meant he'd screwed up, nothing else was noticeable. Nothing was worth remembering.
But now the memory of every genuine laugh that bubbled out of Misfire sat comfortably besides memories of warm joyful optics that Fulcrum found himself collecting every time Crankcase cracked a rare half-smile for him, or when Krok placed a reassuring hand against his back, or the times Spinister spontaneously pointed out something odd but ultimately nice about his stupid frame.
He didn't really know why he was doing it, memorizing all these mundane little things, just to have them flit through his processer randomly. Maybe it was because those expressions, those details, feltā¦ comforting? Comforting in such a strange and unfamiliar way. But, a good way. A good sort of strange, much like the mechs themselves.
-
-
He had stared for a long moment, the credits and their rolling tune playing somewhere in the background as Fulcrum stared back. But Misfire was never one for personable silence, even as the sound of some likely long dead Iaconian orchestra filled the room.
"What is it?" He asked, a small chuckle escaping him as he brought a hand to his face, "Don't tell me I've poured it all over myself again."
It had taken Fulcrum longer than usual to unstick his glossa from the roof of his mouth as he watched Misfire run a thumb over his lips, but eventually he had coughed out a small, choked, "No."
That had earned him an odd look at first, but with their fields loose and open, Fulcrum could almost feel the exact moment something clicked in Misfire's mind, as the idle comfortable static he projected in pulsing waves evened out into something openly curious and almost subdued.
It wasn't often Fulcrum felt him that clearly.
Misfire tended to keep his field fairly close, though, maybe not as close as the others did, what with how Crankcase kept an iron grip on his, and how Krok's always held an air of strained control, even when it slipped from him. But still, Misfire's was always hard to read, no matter the reach or depth of his field.
Even then and there, with it loose and unfiltered and buzzing with the engex running through his system, there was an ever present undertone of something indescribably jumbled about him, like too many feelings at once, each too vast and hurried for Fulcrum to really feel or understand.
It always seemed to stir the passive anxiety Fulcrum must've been forged with when Misfire's field brushed against his own. As facing the indescribable vague mess of Misfire felt like trying to untangle a pile of live-wires he couldn't even see.
It was almost frustrating in a sense, the need to try and sort and understand what wasn't even his to begin with. But at the same time it was almost exciting as well. It was like a game, like a puzzle he had yet to solve.
-
-
Finally letting his own can go tumbling to the floor to join Misfire's, Fulcrum had brought a hand to cover his face as he drew his legs up and leaned back against the arm of the couch, trying to suppress the fit as the sly look slipped from Misfire's face at the sounds.
While Fulcrum had laughed, andā¦ snorted, embarrassingly, he had felt Misfire's field change again, brushing something fizzy and almost warm against his plating as Misfire's features softened.
"I'm looking at you," Fulcrum had said then between gulps of air, letting his hand fall from his face as he reached out to poke at Misfire's chest, "Dumbaft."
His finger had lingered over the thick plating there for maybe a little longer than necessary, drawing Misfire's attention as it slid down a little before pulling away.
Looking back up again with his helm angled slightly, Misfire had followed the sight of his hand leaving his plating to where Fulcrum let it fall between them.
"Wowā¦" Misfire had chuckled a little dryly, "I was gonna make it real easy for you. I was going to say something like, ''Do you like what you see?'' or-ā¦ or something like that. But now you've ruined it. Good job."
Meeting Fulcrum's optics again as he pulled his own hand back from Fulcrum's shoulder, he brought it to rest between them as well.
"And you're laughing at me," He said next, faking a small pout as his hand drifted closer to Fulcrum's, "Which totally ruins the whole vibe I was going for really. I mean, it's sort of hard to be all nice and suave-like when you're being laughed at. Total vibe killer. Bit of an ego killer too if I'm being honest. So thanks for that loser, thanks for saying I have a funny face."
With Misfire's fingers brushing distractingly past his own, Fulcrum didn't think before the words stumbled out of him.
"I like your face."
It came out almost matter of fact sounding, Fulcrum's laughter having died down while Misfire complained about it. But at the same time the words felt so simple, they came out so easily, and in a weird way they felt nice to say. But Misfire's optics had widened in surprise, his frame frozen and his field suddenly struck quiet, and despite the engex numbing his usual nerves, Fulcrum felt a sudden pang of anxiety because of it.
The silence in Misfire's field was terribly alien. It felt wrong, and something in Fulcrum spiraled to think he had caused it. But slowly, almost as if it were creeping forward, an odd almost scrutinizing uncertainty fanned outward in a careful wave. Misfire moved with it, leaning closer as he searched Fulcrum's expression for something.
"Oh yeah?" He'd said lowly then, and that sly look returned. But that vague uncertainty didn't fade with it, if anything, Fulcrum felt it strengthen. Caught between what he saw, in Misfire's easy smile and dimmed optics, and what he felt, in the growing hollow distance within their fields, Fulcrum found himself frowning and pulling back.
-
-
Growing frustrated with himself, and wanting that feeling back, he had pushed forward, shifting onto his knees as he reached for Misfire's face before the other could pull away from him entirely.
"I like your face." He said firmly, maybe too firmly. His expression still drawn into a frown as he pressed his fingers into Misfire's helm, brushing his thumbs across the silver mesh he'd been staring so intently at before. "I like your optics, and your nose. I- I like the way you smile. When you really smile, and when you laugh. I do. I'm not lying."
And oh there it was again, that little curl of warmth in Misfire's field. Almost a tangible thing, like a brush of ventilation, but Misfire wasn't venting. His mouth hung open ever so slightly, but no breath left him as he stared at Fulcrum with widening optics.
Spurred on by that tiny bloom of warmth, Fulcrum chased after it with slightly slurred words and clumsy hands as he tried to fix whatever he'd done wrong, hoping with each word that Misfire might soften and smile again.
"I like your expressions, and- and I like your voice," He said, glancing down at Misfire's parted lips, and laughing softly, nervously, as he continued, "Even when you say something so stupid. I like- I like the way it sounds. I like your accent, I like the way it makes your words sound. I- I like your- your mouth?"
Once more that weird but nice feeling settled in Fulcrum's chest. Those simple words felt good to say. It felt like a weight off his shoulders, like an admission he'd been waiting to say. About what and why? He wasn't really sure. But the warmth grew, and Misfire took a sharp vent inwards, and that felt right, so Fulcrum kept on.
"I like your helm," He said with a smile, reaching up to brush his fingers over the jutting finials there, before dropping his hands to settle lightly over Misfire's chest. "I like your frame, the colors of it. I like your-"
Before he could finish, Misfire was surging forward, knocking their helms together and nearly bruising the mesh of their noses as he tried for, and just barely missed, Fulcrum's lips.
-
ššš
#just gonna go ahead and share this before i think too hard about it and chicken out lol#idk. this has been sitting unfinished for a while now. but i'm fond of it and keep going back to re-read it. so?? yeah. idk#maybe i'll get around to finishing it. i like writing out all the like. sensory stuff with this. lots of neat stuff to try with em fields#also fulc being a very earnest drunk lol. and mis trying to be all casual and smooth despite balking in the face of it bcs he's a hot mess#i dunno. i think the og idea behind this was kinda turning the reassurance around to mis. just sorta breaking him down with nice words#fulc is usually on the receiving end of comfort and reassurance. not always. but enough so that it had me thinking bout it other ways round#idk. ultimately its like. just slapping mis with a mild praise kink and seeing what happens when fulc just says nice things to him#the bar is so low for them. fulc is like 'i like your face' with conviction and mis is half-way to keeling over bcs. damn. he needed that#my fav flavor of this is just them approaching romance from two drastically different angles. not on the same page. different books lol#mis plays it all like a surface level game. he's just trying to keep things light and airy. but fulc is going right for the kill#also hitting fulc with the demi romantic/sexual beam adds another fun layer to it all-#-this isnt his playing field. but he's sure as hell winning without really knowing why#ok. i've been up for way too long. was on sick dog duty overnight. its like 8am now and i haven't slept a wink lol#so if there's errors or smth sounds off. idk. pretend you didn't see it. ill fix it later. or i wont. idk. toodles <333#(also this is barely the tip of the iceberg fic wise. depending on how i feel bout this after a nap? might share bits of the big ghost fic-#(-cause that ones at like. 24k-ish now??? and thats only the 1st chap and half of the 2nd. its the fulc sees ghosts concept on steroids)#fulfire#my writing
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tagged by ko @tofumilanesa for wip wednesday! big shout out to writevember for making me feel like i can actually call any of these works in progressā¦ your guide to my emoji code under the cut
wip!
šŖ»šāā¬ - the doc title is still just. YOWLING but i am like 7/8 of the way done with omega yamo fic and hopefully salem isnāt reading this so i can just drop it over a year later with no warning <3
š«2ļøā£ - DEWEY^2 P2!!!! she is almost done (i am lying) but she is so close i can almost taste it. sorry to my pwp that grew its own feelings baby
šš¤ (š -> š) - rip iām not telling you about this one until itās posted but it IS complete aside from being ao3 formatted and the eight billion edits i inevitably do right before full-sending it
āļøš§ - cloud petey fic, which exists mostly as an embarrassingly large tag on a different blog and is condensing into a narrative about as well as water at 30Ā° N/S. the time loop fic also falls under this description
eternally in progress (short list)
šš - tyler borzoituzzi existsā¦ there is an index of scenes/plot pointsā¦ it plays like a movie in my headā¦
šÆā- fantastic! āverse
šļøš» - stevie brandon seeing ghosts au, which has eight different (now nine i guess but you haven't seen the mustache adam post yet) plots. sorry
just. rotating like a microwave
š - because they didnāt have a pomegranate emoji, this is what i used for the fic that feels like it should be a 50k connor bedard character study hanif abdurraqib/cathal kelly thesis about legends and mythmaking in sports and eating your young. yes i know pomegranates arenāt actually pomes and apples are but itās fine
š¦ - the one cat da fuck they doing over there meme but about the sharks just like. in general. more on this at five
tagging @colap1nto, @songsandswords, @whitenikes, @gordiemeow, @acheronist, and anybody else who wants to share!!
#i regret to inform the public (beloved mutuals who read my tags) that we have hit the doldrums re: creativity.#got SO excited because i had no prep for tomorrow and got out unreasonably early and proceeded to do nothing š¤© zero motivation/inspiration#anyway. being a big baby. have looked at dewey^2 for too long and now hate it which makes me sad because i was on SUCH a roll solving plot#and really i just need to pick something else from my (looks at smudged hand) 10000 other documents but none of them are calling my nameeee#maybe iāll ao3 format š -> š or maybe iāll read wandering stars (did finish a book this morning) and then hope something strikes me#preferably very aggressively like with the force of a train? OHHHHHH YOU GUYS MAYBE I COULD MAKE SOMETHING FOR HOLY JUMPING MACKEREL FEST#because you know what DID hit me upside the head like a 2x world champ coming from behind with the steel chair WAS BERGY & JOE GUESS WHO#joey first of all did not deserve to lose those games and second of all i am SO immensely delighted i donāt know if itās on here yet i am#so sure at least one of my beloved drw moots (beth and nik are likely culprits but all of u would) has it on here yet BUT THEREāS SO MUCH#BERGY VERY BLATANTLY CALLING JOE A NERD BC HE KNOWS ALL ABT HIS TEAMMATES &LOVES THEM!! BERGY NOT KNOWING A SINGLE FUCKIN THING ABT ANYONE!#the absolute unsurprised yet still heartbroken disbelief & disappointment of joe saying āhe uses black tape!ā oh thatās rent-free forever#anyway.#liv in the replies#p.s. it's fic friday now don't worry about how late i am#as always ask away ask about anything in post tags y'all know i love to yap u are always welcome in the inbox or dms#i was trying to be slightly less mysterious about all of these but i am a secret-keeper sorry and also you need to live inside my brain#in order to understand half of what i'm referencing sometimes. sorry.#also there are some un-hockey fic projects i want to do but i have. so little time in my life for anything sometimes that we will make do
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if there's one thing imma do, it's post something, hyperventilate for ten seconds until I make sure I posed it under the right request, and then feel like a fucking IDIOT because I double-check everything before I even post it š
#i'm going tf to bed#i hope y'all liked that fic because ya girl worked hard on it#imma tell y'all about my day real quick in the tags#got fucking harassed outside of the grocery store by someone that wanted me to vote for trump#it turned into a verbal altercation#then dude called out my boyfriend for not saying anything but he knows i can handle my own and he was more concerned with me swinging#THEN i burnt the FUCK out of my lasagna i made for dinner#then i finished that fic and i'm sure no one's reading all these but i love you guys sm š
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Me: Good news! I wrote like....12ish pages yesterday! :D Brain: Was it all attributed to a single chapter. Me: *walks away* Brain: WAS IT A SINGLE CHAPTER OR DID YOU JUST JUMP AROUND?! Me:
#brain: FINISH A DAMN CHAPTER FIRST STOP JUMPING AROUND! TT0TT#i even wrote a page or two for the beginning of arc 3 of Hunt for Kyoshi that's how much I was jumping around#I just want to make sure I don't forget some ideas TT0TT#i'm over 6 pages into ch 13 for Hunt and that's like.....a flashback TT0TT#we aren't even to the main meat of that chapter ahhhh gimme a breaaaaaak#salty talks#i'm currently trying to keep myself from writing another fanfic ok??? gimme a break#āwhat's the other fanficā it would be about the 2nd Avatar (aka the one after Wan)#so like....basically all OC stuff but 8U#i've re-written one scene in ch 14 like 3 times cause the idea and characters have changed and dklsfjkl i need to stop#god forbid it's gonna change AGAIN cause I'm like....so unsure of how I want the scene to play out TT0TT#y'all are gonna get a bonus chapter of ākill your darlingsā just for that one chapter i swear TT0TT#i'm trying y'all i'm trying to catch up with this fic TT0TT#arc 1 should end around ch 15...so like home stretch#i think my issue is i'm in 'reading mode' and not 'typing mode' TT0TT#brain: I don't wanna type I wanna read#me: but we gotta type it for you to read#brain: no type! Only read!
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New Icon! I made it Tumblr sized so no big picture. I seem to change my icon every 3-5 years and figured I should update. And yes, it's still sky/space based, it would not be my blog if I did not make it so.
New:
Background image is from James Webb, which I love seeing the new pictures as well as the comparisons to the Hubble, it's almost like night and day to me and it's so beauitful. It's of Herbig-Haro 46/47 (it's the red/pink in the bottom right-hand corner). And Lum because she's another favorite character of mine.
Old:
(I still love HanaNene I promise! I will still be posting and gushing about TBHK until the series is officially over)
#I'll be sure to reblog this a couple of times so that mutuals know#sternennacht update#icon#I've always liked Lum's character but I never fully watched the original Urusei Yatsura anime nor read the manga#but the new series is so great#it's a remake done right and that's why you're seeing her more on my blog she's just so cute and I love all her outfits!#but oh my god hananene I'm still so obsessed#when I read fanfiction I check TBHK first alskdfalsd#I really need to finish my fics.... I'm actually trying to make sure I have an update for#the astronomy one in April for the eclipse wink wink kiss kiss
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So I'm reading a fix where Sirius doesn't know James Potter and he is justsad like life has hit him and has no spark and then I had the thought that Sirius being a star needs the sun to shine
#I'm being dramatic#but remus and Sirius have met and all i want is for James to show up#like i have always thought that the difference between Sirius and Regulus is simply one had James and the other no#so my point is I love Wolfstar but Sirius needs James#platonic soulmates and all that#also i have only read one other fic like that but in that case they were separated i finished cause i really needed to see them finding#each other again#anyways although theyre the moon and the star they need the sun to shine#also i haven't read much so far is only Remus and Sirius#and i think Lily was therr but still not sure#sirius black#remus lupin#wolfstar#james potter#marauders
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RULES: Post the last sentence you wrote (fanfic / original / anything) and tag as many people as there are words in the sentence (I break the rules too but because I don't know as many writers)
Thanks @ceeloilights for tagging me ā¤ļø
"Hey tuft of grass. Your thing is playing with plants, isn't it ?"
So, now it's time to tag people but I don't know who's already been tagged so ignore it if you already have (or if you don't want to, no pressure): @pulsar-1919 @chocolateteapotsvis and anyone else who wants to join
#tag game#When I saw last night that you'd been tagged I was sure I'd be tagged this morning too XD#The sentence comes from a One Piece fanfic I've been reading for over 10 years#My God I'm not getting any younger I started writing it a bit before I got to college and now I've got a job and the same age as my oc š#But I have to finish this fic for my friends who read it ! And I will !#By the way yesterday was Luffy's birthday and in my One Piece marathon I'd reached the magnificent scene where he hits a celestial dragon#For all that it represents and the context I sincerely think that this punch is one of the best scenes in the universe of fiction
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computer how do i stop feeling insecure on my writting so that can i write. computer please
#talking tag;#ok so. story time sure why not#today is my first day of uni and i had classes from 8.30 am to 11:45 which was. fine i was exhasuted but it was fine#and then i had to wait to meet some friends for lunch and i started writting and it just hit me that totp is actually over 50k words#and it's like brooooo i literally wrote a novel length fic (that's still not done btw! not close!) and for whattt who even has the time#to read something like that like why bother. it's not even (directly) about the main characters and i just#i'm afraid that i'm repeating myself i'm afraid that chracters are not being developed like i hoped they would i'm afraid that no one will#care and i'm also afraid that the people that do care won't like it#and then i met with my friends who study cinema and they bumped into people from their classes and i was just.#there listening to their conversations without interacting like what the FUCKKK am i doing here pretending that i fit in with the cool#cretive people and that my prose is any good at all#just. 50 thousand words of fanfiction and i'm worried that none of them are any good#but lately my motto is that i will figure it out so. i will figure it out#i did cry about it (lmao) which i'm counting as progress from the empty nothingness i felt around this time of year a year ago#but yeah man it sucks. totp is my baby but (just like kim lmao) my default is being hard on myself. i just can't not be#i think i'll write on my diary about this and then!!! we move on. oh well#i will finish totp that's a promise but yeah. today just hasn't been great i guess#and i have no one in my life to talk to about this so!!!!!! shouting into the void i guess
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I don't usually do this, and I don't believe this has ever happened before. But I will be posting one request a little out of order because I don't want to post about the same member 2 days in 'winter' row. So, if it feels like I'm taking a while to get to your winter request- just know it's not a personal vendetta!
Anyways the next fic will be posted tomorrow at 10:30 est!
#this is about wintertime 2#In reference to said fic- I love the idea sm- it made me melt- maybe cause it was for my ult of ults š«£#i actually nearly melted away at the thought of him saying the said request- and i needed to chill- it was sososo good#i really try to write them in order but this time i really have to space it out to make sure i don't end up with any members that close#wintertime 2#unless i decide to write one from my own ideas and not requests that doesn't count tech imo ebhbhabha#i was going to do them evenly but i'm just going to do all the requests first- hwvr if you are reading the tags! pls feel free to request#more! i'm still accepting them until they're all striked thru!#i hope to queue all my fics for 1030 am- but i don't always finish them before the queue time ebhhabha- but assume they'll be up at 1030#later~
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I just reada really good fic but halfway through I realized "oh shit this is really familiar.... didn't I write something like this once?" And as I kept reading I kept predicting what happened next and the further I went the more convinced I was that they'd ripped off my story-
like, copied the ENTIRE plot and re-written it, just better than I had? The characters were more fleshed-out than mine were, and the POV was more interesting, and the pace made more sense- but it was MY STORY?
So close to the end I was like "holy shit.. do I message them? Ask if my story inspired theirs? Should I be angry? Flattered?" Cause their tags and description didn't mention me AT ALL, which, sure, it's fanfiction to begin with, but if you're using my work than at least credit me as inspo, right? Just to be courteous?
But I get to the end of the final chapter, and it's not finished, and I'm kind of disappointed cause I never finished my story and I was really immersed in their version now and had been looking forwards to seeing how they tied up my loose ends- so I scroll to the bottom to leave a comment, and.
It's MY URL.
IT WAS MY STORY THE WHOLE TIME.
THE ONE *I WROTE*.
In *2013*.
And FORGOT ABOUT
BECAUSE I WAS SO INSECURE ABOUT MY SLOPPY, SHALLOW, AMETEUR WRITING
And I'm just sitting here now staring into space thinking about every shitty story I've ever written now like
IT WAS ALL GOOD?
IT WAS GOOD THIS WHOLE DAMN TIME??
I'M A GOOD WRITER?????
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Cherry Boy. [l.c.]
Chapter One of "Losing it". Reminder that each chapter in this series is stand alone and can be read without reading any of the others!
A new relationship is always difficult to navigate, for Chan, it appears to be even more difficult. For you? Youāre just left confused as to why your new boyfriend of a month and a half hasnāt made a move on you despite your very obvious attempts to invite him into your personal space.Ā You soon realize that your boyfriend is a virgin, and thatās why heās always running away with his hands covering his bits, even through a simple goodnight kiss.Ā
ao3 | m.list | minors dni! | reblog for chan's happy trail
WORDCOUNTāĀ 10k
PAIRINGā lee chan x afab readerĀ
CONTENTā brief break up due to horrible communication skills, virginity loss, reader gets super insecure about her body and personality, fluff, smut obv
NOTEā This is the reason I gave chan the first chapter in the series. It's because of those pics...you know the ones. Anyway, shoutout to @ressonancee and @onlyhuis for proof reading this for me! love u guys with my entire being!
smut tags under cut::Ā
SMUT TAGSā virginity loss, makeout session, neck kissing, tit fondling, unprotected sex, belly button kissing, mentions and focus on his happy trail, heās ticklish oops, blowjob, premature ejaculation, pussy drunk chan forgets how to speak, desperate sex babbling, finger fucking, hand and cock guiding, cream pieĀ
~
Chan has a dilemma, and yes, itās one that most men would scoff at.Ā
Trust him when he says that he is so very aware of what is happening around him but he simply cannot manage to muster up the courage, strength, or confidence to admit to you, his lovely and patient girlfriend, that heās dodging your advances solely because he is the text-book definition of virgin.Ā
He is not only nervous about having sex for the first time, but there also comes the weight of him either not being good enough when he tries, or you laughing in his face and mocking him for it.
You, on the other hand, wouldnāt be so fucking in your head if he really could just muster up a tiny amount of confidence to say that to you.Ā
It has been almost two months now since he asked you to be his girlfriend, and throughout this time never once has he done more than a gentle kiss to your lips or lying a slight guiding hand to your waist. It feels soā¦ juvenile, soā¦ middle school for a boyfriend to treat you this way.Ā
Seeing as how the first three dates you went on with him seemed to suggest he was more than willing to be a fulfilling boyfriend who can, hopefully, fill all of the roles that comes with the titleā youāre starting to second guess that he ever liked you at all.
Perhaps the twenty-four year old man asked you that night to be his girlfriend out of pity. Or maybe heās simply changed his mind about you. Regardless of the reason for why he acts like this, itās getting to you.
Deeply, actually, by this point. It only stung a bit at first, but now itās starting to feel like he has to be with you as a joke. Why else would he be consistent in wanting to hang out? Why else would he always be inviting you out on well-priced dates and buying you pretty gifts?Ā
Itās a joke.Ā
It has to be a joke.Ā
Oh, but thatās so far from the truth. If you would simply open your eyes, perhaps youād notice the struggle that your polite little boyfriend goes through each time you try to suggest he make an advance on you.Ā
Even the slight kisses, it makes him suffer from embarrassment at how quickly his body reacts to you.Ā
He likes you so, so fucking much.
~
āI donāt think Iām feeling it today.ā You respond to the muffled voice of your āboyfriendā on the phone, asking if he can come over to see you.Ā
āWhat? Why not?ā He asks back, his voice concerned.Ā
āDo you want me to be honest?ā You finally say with a long and annoyed sigh, giving up on any hope that this relationship will ever go any further than it already has.Ā
Youāre fed up with feeling unwanted, undesired, and possibly even uninteresting. Heās the one person in your life that you care about when it comes to who you are and what you look like. His reaction, or lack thereof, regarding you as both a person and his girlfriend feels astonishing and does nothing more than make you question what it is that youāre doing wrong.Ā
It has to be you, right? Perhaps your body isnāt as pretty as he wants it to be, is that it? Or maybe your voice annoys him? God, what if he cringes thinking of how youād move if he were to actually have sex with you? What if he doesnāt think about it at all?Ā
You pinch the bridge of your nose, trying not to let the intense insecurity weigh on you. You always promised yourself that youād never let a man make you rethink your worth.Ā
You need to live up to that promise.Ā
āChan, itās been nice and all, but I think we should break up.āĀ
The silence he offers to you is entirely too loud, and feels more like a confirmation in your head that this is the exact choice you should be making right now.Ā
Heās thrown for a loop though, standing at his kitchen table staring off at the wall as you say those words.Ā
What did he do wrong?Ā
āWhaāā He cuts himself off, trying to find words to say. āWhatās wrong? Did I do something?āĀ
You let out another breathy sigh, annoyed at the way he plays dumb.Ā
āIām shocked youāre asking me that. Iāve been wondering if you were ever going to break up with me yourself, yāknow?ā You let out a sad little chuckle before you feel that insecurity he instilled in you burn against your eyes. āIām just making it easy for you, so that you can go and spend your time with someone that youād rather be around.ā
He pauses, still dumbfounded by what youāre saying.Ā
āWhy are you saying that?ā He bellows out in a deeper tone, making you feel as though heās angry with you now. āIād rather be around you.āĀ
āOh? Is that right?ā You roll your eyes now, annoyed. āIs that why you push me away when I try to kiss you? Or what aboutā what about when you left the party last week after I sat on your lap?āĀ
Ah. He knew it. He knew he should have admitted it. Despite his consistent apologies for his body acting on instinct to run away from you, he should have really tried to see from your point of view rather than his own. Even if he only ran to hide the fact that he is horribly aroused by you at all times, in every given moment.Ā
You can hear a pained groan fall from his lips, and a door opening on his end.Ā
āIām coming over.āĀ
He doesnāt let you protest, and instead hangs up the phone. You sit there in silence at his rejection of your break up. As if it were his choice? As if he had any say in it? You want to break up, thatās final.Ā
Still, that doesnāt explain why you donāt call him back to tell him not to come. It also doesnāt explain why your heart is thumping against your chest in anticipation.
Or, maybe there is something to explain why youāre feeling butterflies over his blatant refusal. Perhaps, this is the first time youāve felt wanted by him?Ā
That also makes it worse. Why should your boyfriend make you feel this way only when youāre breaking up with him? Why can you only see that he cares when heās faced with the idea of losing you? By the way heās acting, you can argue that he wouldnāt be losing anything precious to him if you were to walk out of his life right this moment.Ā
Still, you sit here in wait. More curious now to see if maybe you'll figure out why he refuses to look at or touch you in a way that would show you he wants you.
~
The first thing Chan does when he steps through the door of your apartment is slip his shoes off. The second thing he does is stand there awkwardly, as if every thought left his head upon seeing your face.
You look like youāve been crying.Ā
āThis is my fault.ā He says with a slight crack in his voice. āBecause I keep hiding from youā¦.right?ā
You nod silently, remaining on your couch that faces his timid and stiffened figure.Ā
He stares at you, examining the consequences of his own actions.Ā
āYou want to break up because I havenāt tried to, like, do things with you.ā He winces as he says it, struggling to not feel awkward talking about having sex. Heās embarrassed, but would be even more embarrassed if he lost a girlfriend over this.Ā
āThatās not the only reason.ā You shake your head, looking away from him and to your hands as you pick at your nail beds. āIād be okay with no sex if youād simply tell me why. The fact that you havenāt told me anythingāā Your voice cracks a little bit, feeling stupid for being so emotional over such a short lived relationship. āIt kind of destroyed my confidence.ā
He watches the way you refuse eye contact, which is something that stabs him directly in the stomach. He can feel it drop to the floor, adrenaline making its way into that empty space youāre creating for him.Ā
āBefore we break up, I just want to know why it took this for you to act like you genuinely might have feelings for me.āĀ
He stumbles over his thoughts the same way he stumbles over his feet trying to approach you.Ā
By now, he doesnāt think he can ever feel more embarrassed than he does at this moment. He crouches down in front of you, sad that you didnāt laugh at the way he nearly knocked himself out on your living room floor. Then he looks at you, chasing your line of sight as if to reassure you through nothing but the air in the room.
āI was afraid youād laugh at me.ā He starts, and after seeing that your expression doesnāt change even a little bit, he continues. āYou seemed so into me that Iāā He takes a deep breath, willing himself to be as honest as he can be. āI just didnāt know how to act.āĀ
You look at him with irritation at those words.Ā
āOf course I was fucking into you. Why else would I have agreed to be your girlfriend?ā You roll your eyes, pushing yourself back into the couch cushions and away from his crouched body. āThink about how I feel. The fact that you just watch me throw myself at you time and time again? The fact that you rejected me every single time? How is that not giving you the answers you need as to why Iām breaking up with you?ā
He takes note of that heightened voice of yours, defensive and likely more hurt than youāre letting on.Ā
āListenāā He breathes in, trying to internally hype himself up to bite the bullet.Ā
You were listening, but heās keeping whatever it is heās thinking about in his head for just a second too long.Ā
āNo, I think weāre done h-āĀ
āIām a virgin.ā He interrupts you, lowering his gaze to the floor and refusing eye contact with you.Ā
Your eyes shoot to him though. The last thing you would have expected was for him to be aā
āYouāreāā You try to repeat his words for confirmation, but he interrupts you again.Ā
āI can promise you itās not because I donāt want to do these things with you.ā He says, still staring at the floor. āItās because I was afraid that youād lose interest over it.āĀ
Your mouth falls open as you look at him, every feeling of frustration in your body disappearing almost immediately.Ā
āItās because I was worried that I wouldnāt be able to, like, be any good at it.ā He continues to admit. āI was trying to work up the courage to tell you, or to just like, do it.ā He rambles, now scooting back and standing up to his feet. āAnd if you still want to break up, I understand. I just thought I at least owed you an explanation.āĀ
You watch as he nods to himself in an unsure way, turns on his heel, and heads back to the door to slip his shoes back on.Ā
You sit in stunned silence as your brain erases every single insecurity you gained over this month and a half relationship before jumping to your feet. If anyone could have been more insecure about this than you were, it was him. And now that you can see that, the guilt hits you twice as hard as the presumed break up would have.Ā
āYouāre a virgin?ā You ask, though that wasnāt at all the words you intended to say. āI mean, you kept pushing me away because you didnāt want to disappoint me?ā
He nods timidly, halting his body and still refusing to look at you.Ā
He has one shoe on, and his other foot half in the other when you make your way over to him, closing the distance quickly and confidently.
āDonāt leave.ā You say first, before physically moving his body for him to remove that foot from his half-on shoe. āChan, Iām your girlfriend. We can wait for as long as you need, I just...ā
You pause, now feeling annoyed with yourself for making it about you. Then again, itās not like you could read his mind. Though, thinking back to all of those instances where he pulled away from you before, perhaps you could have read context clues a little better.Ā
āI didnāt knowāā You trail off, now determined to save the relationship that both of you accidentally started to sink. āDid I make you feel like you couldnāt tell me?ā
He feelsā¦relieved by your words. Saying you could wait, asking what it is that made him so afraid to admit it.Ā
Finally, he presses one foot against his other, pulling his foot out of his shoe and stepping back, looking at you with eyes fonder than youāve ever seen them.
āItās not that I felt I couldnāt tell you. I was just embarrassed.ā
You very nearly coo out at him, but you keep your distance with both your words and your body now.Ā
āItās not that Iām not ready to lose it. Especially with you.ā He admits, glancing at you for a reaction before sighing. āI think Iāve been ready for a long time, again, I was just embarrassed and also knew that I should probably tell you at some pointā¦ā
āYou want to give your virginity to me?ā
You watch as he blows his hair up through puckered lips, rolling his eyes before smiling at you.
āItās not that I view virginity as sacred or anything either. Thereās just a lot of weight that people tend to put on it, and I wasnāt sure how youād react.ā He tries to explain as his body relaxes by the minute. āI wanted you to be my first time, yeah. When I asked you to be my girlfriend, I knew I wanted you to be the one to show me what all the hype is about.ā
Youād laugh if it werenāt for the fact that this is still kind of a touchy subject. Youāre not entirely sure how you feel about being someoneās first time, but you know you have feelings for him and to deny him of sex after you blatantly wanted it so bad from himā¦Okay, maybe youāre just in your head. Of course youād be happy to be his first time.Ā
Ecstatic even.Ā
āSoā¦.ā You sway on your feet, looking up at the ceiling before landing your eyes on him playfully. āItās not because you think Iām disgusting or like, not living up to the standards you want for a girlfriend?ā
āJesus, no.ā He says.Ā
You watch him scratch the back of his head, still probably embarrassed by how low this relationship had fallen due to the awful communication skills.Ā
āAnd youāre also kind of admitting that you have thought about it?ā You continue, prying out the words youāve wanted to hear so badly since you met him.Ā
He pulls back only a little bit, his cheeks warming at the words and the way his brain automatically thrusts him into the thoughts of all of those nights where he absolutely fucking thought about it.Ā
āY-yeah. Yes. I have thought about it.ā He nods in a self-reassuring way as his eyes land on everything in the room but you.Ā
Youāre quick to give him your own reassurance though, trying to learn his boundary now that the secret is out and the relationship appears to have a second chance at succeeding.Ā
He can feel you close in on him, wrapping your arms around his middle and nuzzling your face against his neck. There, he holds you back, breathing in deep and feeling the scent of you wash through his body.Ā
Quite literally actually. As he would normally avoid, his lower half reacts far too quickly to even the simplest of touches from you.Ā
He pulls back on instinct, but you donāt release your grip this time.Ā
āYou seem as ready as ever, Iāll admit.ā You laugh upon feeling him stiffen against you, but you really do try not to shame him for it. āStill, we can wait until you feel ready enough to give it a shot, okay?ā
He nods, entirely reassured by the way you donāt press up against it or comment any further about the happenings in his pants right now. Then he sighs out.Ā
āI can imagine I must look like an idiot right now, getting hard over a fucking hug.ā He finally says as he pulls from the hug and makes his way back to your living room. āBut weāre okay, right? Youāre not breaking up with me?ā
You follow after him, keeping your sexual distance, but absolutely indulging in the loving, sweet, and careful cuddling youāve wanted to do with him for so long now.Ā
He appears comfortable when you tuck yourself under his arm and rest your head on his chest before answering him.
āIām not breaking up with you,ā You say, feeling his chest heave with each breath and intentionally ignoring the blatant tent in his pants slowly fall back into its flaccid position as he calms down. āItās kinda cute, you know? That you were so worried about it.āĀ
His cheeks are still on fire, willing his body to calm itself through this sweet session of cuddling. He doesnāt want to ruin the moment with you, and still, it is embarrassing in the way he knows youāre ignoring it for his sake too.
But goddamn, how heavenly it would be for you to like, touch it right nowā¦..or something.Ā
āNever thought of it as cute, if Iām being honest.ā He tries to joke. āIf anything, maybe it's a little pathetic on my part.ā
You shake your head against him, feeling more confident of your place in his life.Ā
āPathetic? Donāt be mean to yourself. Besides, itās kind of hot knowing that you got so turned on over a simple hug.ā You laugh, hoping youāre not crossing a boundary. āNo wonder you ran so fast when I sat on your lap, I definitely would have felt that on me.ā
āAlright, alrightāā He tries to hush you of your playful remarks, but ultimately, if you really think itās an attractive aspect of whatever sexual dynamic the two of you will come to have, heās going to make damn sure you see just how fucking turned on you make him.Ā
~
Things are good. Great even, now that you can pin point each moment your boyfriend gets a little too overwhelmed with you. He does still push you away, probably out of instinct but he doesnāt shy away nearly as much from intimate moments with you. Especially if the two of you are alone together.Ā
Youāre a bit more careful in public or with friends though, because the last thing you want to do is make him feel insecure about it. Still, there are playful moments where you indulge in the act of touching him or kissing him just to get him excited, just to watch him stutter his way through ordering something.Ā
The point is, you almost ended a relationship with someone who, arguably, makes you feel more wanted than you ever knew you could. Itās nice, and it feels good.Ā
Even now, this is only your second full on make-out session with him, you feel absolutely adored. Itās cute in the way heās trying to train himself to not get hard at even the simplest of touches, itās even cuter when his efforts fail miserably and heās arching his body away from you as if he could even hide what heās packing.Ā
You donāt push for more, despite wanting it badly. He also doesnāt pushā¦despite also wanting it just as much as you do, if not more. He still seems to need a push of confidence to actually go any further than a nice, non-body touching makeout session.Ā
This is fine though, and you indulge far more than you ever knew you would when it comes to this kind of thing. As if simply licking into his mouth is foreplay enough to counter a fucking blowjob for him.Ā
Never in your life did you think youād be this into the fact that your boyfriend is a virgin. And itās not even that heās never had sex, itās that he seems to want it so bad, and thereās just something about a man who is desperate that gets you going these days.Ā
Still, kissing him is something that fulfills you, especially with the way heās avoiding his lower half and keeping it away from you.Ā
He kisses you back in a telling way though, more telling than that tent in his sweatpants that you can visualize even while your eyes are closed. He radiates the arousal through the way he moves his lips against yours, and the way he lets out little suffering sounds when you kiss him harder and harder.Ā
His hands stay against your face, neck, and sometimes your waist, but god. His kissing is genuinely just so good with the way it tells on him every few seconds.Ā
And when he pulls back, heās out of breath, flushed, and looking as if he would want nothing more than for you to hint, to lay down some sort of implication that he can cling to for relief from the heaviness thatās been in his pants since the fucking relationship started.
You wonder if tonight is the night, because he doesnāt appear to want to stop making out like he did last time. If anything, as he looks at you with those heaving breaths, you can tell heās thinking harder than he ever has about it.Ā
āChan,ā You whisper out to him, just inches from his face. āDo you think of me?ā
When he keeps his eyes on you, seemingly stunned by your question, you continue.Ā
āDo you think of me after you leave? When youāre all by yourself in your roomāā You turn your head so that your eyes can trail to the space he is attempting to keep from you. āWhen youāre touching yourself?āĀ
He feels the words run straight through him, causing an utterly pathetic twitch in his pants. The way your voice comes out soft and sensual as you ask him, as you look at him. He doesnāt even remember words at this moment, not even a simple āyesā.Ā
He tries to answer by losing a little bit of his self control, turning your head back to him with his palm just so he can chase against your lips out of the sheer arousal, but you pull away.Ā
āDo you?ā You continue, encouraging him to answer you.Ā
āSo much,ā He wills himself to whisper confidently, ignoring the fact that his body just forced him to rut up and against nothing, all for you to see. āEvery time I leave,ā He puts emphasis on his words. āSometimes I canāt even make it home first.āĀ
You smile at the image of him rubbing against himself in his car, so desperate to relieve himself of what you do to him each time he comes to see you. Not even making it out of the seatbelt before releasing all over himself, all in his pants. Shaking, panting, all alone and without you.Ā
āCute,ā You chuckle, finally turning your head slightly and landing a pop kiss on him. āI think of you when I do it too, every time you leave.āĀ
He looks at you, willing his hips to stay put as he thinks about the image of you doing that in this very room, to images and thoughts of him.Ā
āYou do?ā He asks for reassurance easily.
āMhm,ā You look away from him as you sit straight up and then scoot down the bed. There, you lay yourself down against your pillows and look at him. āCome here.āĀ
Heās reluctant to take your hand. But even he can admit that this side by side makeout session is starting to hurt his neck, and youāre clearly asking him to get on top of you right now.Ā
āYou donāt have to but, Chanāā You say, looking down, āI donāt want you to leave this time.āĀ
Well, shit, all you had to do was say that. Honestly, the way you look at him with pure acceptance is enough to push him past the wall in his head that keeps him from finally trying to take the next step. You accept him as he is now, surely youād accept him if heā¦. doesnāt last, right? What about if he isnāt good at it?Ā
Still, he finds himself planting one hand on the other side of your head to balance himself on top of you. Still just hovering, not yet wanting or willing to, you know, put it against you.Ā
You smile.Ā
āItās okay, I can tell youāre nervous. We donāt have to do anything else, Iām happy with just this.ā
And then you both fall back into another, much more comfortable and natural feeling, makeout session.Ā
As much as youād love for him to try and take control, his reluctance allows you to contain yourself. It allows you to respect him and his decision of whether or not he wants to do anything more than this. Still, this satisfies you. And if he really does stay, maybe he wouldnāt be entirely against watching you take care of your own arousal for him. Maybe heād feel better watching even, taking notes on what you like, learning where to touch you.Ā
And you know, that really would have been okay but you canāt help but feel like heās definitely wanting more. With the way his lips grow hungrier rather than more tired, with the way heās starting to moan shamelessly into your mouth, with the way his hands are trying to travel to more intimate places on your body before stopping himself.Ā
You might be pushing it with the assumption, but it doesnāt hurt to try and help him, right?
When you feel his hands moving to your waist, up, up, and up until theyāre just barely brushing against the underside of your breast, he pulls back again and pulls your shirt down to cover the exposed skin, all while kissing you harder.
You place your hand over his, wasting not even a second as you guide him back under your shirt, right up to where you know he wants to touch.Ā
And holy fuck does he. He doesnāt even pull back when you lay it against the warm and exposed flesh from under your shirt. His hand immediately starts groping. His lips immediately stutter against you in a relieved sigh from him, and all you can do is kiss him now with the same energy he seems to have in that one single hand.Ā
āYouāre allowed to touch me, but if you need help doing it, just tell meāā You pull back to whisper, trying to take it another step further in the act of kissing against his jaw and down his neck. āI want to touch you too, but Iāll keep my hands to myself unless you tell me otherwise.ā
Itās like he really forgets how to talk or give proper consent when his entire body is acting like a fucking greenlight for you right now. He feels so pathetic, on the verge of orgasm with nothing more than the soft fabric of his sweatpants to relieve him, and yet your breast in his hand, nipple hardening under his palm before he musters the courage to put it between his fingers, itās a lot to take in, okay?
Still, he tries to say something, and heās even more embarrassed by the way his voice sounds like it isnāt even his own. He sounds broken when the sound reaches his ears.Ā
āDonātāā He starts, cutting himself off at the feeling of your lips kissing against the pulse point of his neck.Ā
āHm?ā You ask, pulling back and away, hoping you didnāt press too much.Ā
āDonāt stop.ā He mutters out again, a little less embarrassed now that he feels you sigh against that same pulse point with the way his fingers fondle your nipple mindlessly. āDonāt keep your hands to yourself.ā
Your brain falls into a stunned silence at his words, bringing a type of nervousness to bubble up in your own body. Is this really it? Is this when itās going to happen? On a saturday night, against your pillows, muffled cartoons playing in the backgroundā¦..past ten in the evening?Ā
You canāt help it as you kiss against his neck. You really canāt, with the way he opens himself up to be vulnerable with you while actively being on top of you, while playing with your breasts, while containing himself.
He seems to need you to do the pushing, but you really cannot shake the nervousness of being his first. Youāre almost certain he is nervous about so many things, but still he appears to be eager to try. Heās eager to be with you, and, ultimately, to know what it feels like to be with another person that matters to him in that way.Ā
āIs thereāā You stop, breath caught in your throat, only to fall out against his throat when he finally seems to have the confidence to make his first move. One that would seem so small to anyone else, but heā he raises a hand and holds the back of your neck, trying to press your lips and guide them to the area of his neck that he wants you to kiss.Ā
And you do, with blatant encouragement to him for doing that, all while trying to finish your previous thought.Ā
āIs there anything you want me to do for you?ā You ask, kissing and now, licking against the spot on his neck that makes him shiver.Ā
He sighs in a shudder, craning his neck to expose more skin for you before his hand stills against your nipple and he pulls his hand from your shirt.Ā
āAll of it?ā He starts, a bit unsure of himself. āEverything?ā He adds, pulling himself back from your lips and watching you fall back to your pillows. He leans his body up, relieving his legs from his weight and sitting on his heels in front of you, only slightly between your legs now.Ā
You can see that he has a bit more confidence with the way heās looking at you.Ā
āI want to try all of it.ā He continues, placing two hands on your knees, pushing your legs together and using his palms to make them sway left and right. Itās as if heās thinking hard. āI mean, if you want to.ā
You smile.Ā
You want nothing more than to do this with him, for him, and for yourself.Ā
āYeah?ā You ask for confirmation, now lifting yourself and re-positioning yourself onto your knees to mimic his own stance.Ā
He nods in a blatant and shy way, knowing that you can physically see how badly he wants this, and how badly he wants you to be the one to do this with him. Heās achingly hard, and he isnāt sure if heās ever managed to get this fucking hard in his entire life.
It really is painfully arousing, with the way his pants stretch against the head when heās sitting like this. The way the fabric offers little to no sensation but while looking at you, he feels all fucked up and warm. He tries to forget that thereās precum all over him, seeping through the pants that are presented before you, and god, the way you look right at it.Ā
He doesnāt shy away despite being as shy as he could possibly be right now. In fact, when your eyes trail back up to him, licking your lips before smiling, he a fucking goner. He knew he wanted you bad, but never did he know he needed you this badly.Ā
Heās so fucking lucky.Ā
āIt looksā¦ big.ā You comment, leaning forward only slightly and sizing your boyfriend up. āBut for your sake, Iāll try to control myself from moving too fast. Iāll go slow, okay?ā
He doesnāt even nod, heās too entranced with you in front of him, fully clothed, lifting his own shirt off of him as if he is incapable of doing it himself. Then again, he kind of is incapable at this moment. He swears his IQ mustāve dropped to a single digit by this point.Ā
And when that shirt comes up and over his head, you note that he doesnāt even blink. That small moment where his face was obscured as you pulled it off of him? His eyes stayed on you both before and after, only nowā his hair is a total fucking mess and all you can do is feel endeared by it.Ā
āGod, youāre so fucking attractive,ā You groan in sexual frustration with an eyeroll. āI canāt believe someone hasnāt jumped your bones yet.ā
Now he breaks eye contact at the praise, glancing away from you and trying his hardest not to smile like an idiot at those words.Ā
āTo be fair, Iāve fucked up my fair share of relationships being embarrassed.ā He laughs. āKinda glad I did though.ā
You land your eyes back on him, staring blankly at his naked chest and trying your damnedest not to look at him like heās some piece of meat. But goddamn, the body of this man.Ā
āCome here, switch places with me.ā You smile, reaching forward and trying not to think too hard about the way his arms flex when you grip them to move him. āHere, lay back.āĀ
And within seconds, youāre between his legs and looking down at his half-lidded, arousal driven eyes.Ā
āFuck, really?ā You groan again, glancing away. āItās really taking everything in me, Chan, it really is.ā
His heart is doing flips as he stares up at you. He feels doted on, adored, attractive. So he encourages more of those annoyed praises from you.Ā
āTaking everything in you toā¦?āĀ
You chuckle, because the audacity of this drunk and in love fool.Ā
āDo you have any idea how badly Iāve wanted to be in this exact position?ā You smile, reaching down to run your fingers down his chest and straight to that happy trail that he so readily hid from you. āItās taking everything in me to slow downāā
āThen donāt.ā He says proudly, albeit still a bit shy at your words.Ā
You can see how red his ears are, only partially hidden by that head of messy ass hair. His stupid pretty eyes and gentle smile are directed straight at you without any type of reluctance.Ā
āThereās my confident boyfriend.ā You chuckle, toying with the hair beneath his belly button and trying to not comment on the way his body jumps a bit at the feeling. āWas wondering where he went after he asked me to be his girlfriend.ā
And he remains silent after that, watching the way you take the reins and lean down to kiss against that same spot of his neck. Warm breath fanning over the skin before attaching yourself there.Ā
Surely you can feel the way his hips react, humping up at each flutter of your lips. If you couldnāt, he knows for a fact that youāll be able to now. With the way you trail down, across his own sensitive nipples, and then down, down, down.Ā
He glances down at you at the same time when you glance up at him and right then and there he thinks he melts. Heās never seen a woman look at him from this angle, and itās only a little bit detrimental to his heavy and pathetic cock. The twitching never stops, he feels so fucking sticky in his pants and it really just doesnāt stop. Continuous leaking, and he really had no idea that there could even be this much pre-cum.Ā
Then, heās pulled out of his thoughts withā¦.a tickle?
āOh?ā You smile, leaning down to repeat that lick up his happy trail before landing a kiss straight on his belly button.Ā
His body jumps again, and he lets out a moaned chucked unintentionally.Ā
āOh.ā You smile wider, gripping both of his hips with your hands and holding him down in a playful way. Repeating the act once again.Ā
Your suspicions are confirmed with a third jump of his body, and another chuckled, frustrated moan.Ā
āSo, heās ticklish too?ā You say with another kiss against his belly button before fluttering your fingers at the side of his hips.Ā
His entire body goes rigid before melting against the bed in an attempt to not react to the way you take advantage of a hidden weakness he had. God, he should have known thatā¦like, sex stuff could be ticklish.Ā
āNoā Iām not.ā He lies, jolting again when you continue to test the resilience he thinks he has against your lips and fingers. āHeyā!ā
And, well, you wouldāve stopped if it werenāt for the fact that his hips raise with each tickled sensation, and you can genuinely feel how damp and heavy he is in his pants. Itās entirely arousing in the way its weight is obvious through his attempts to wiggle from your ticklish touches.Ā
āAlright,ā You finally relent, landing one final kiss to his belly before licking down that same line of hair he offers his body. āChan, I want toāā
His hips immediately raise to your words, the wetness from your tongue feels like ice against his skin when the air hits it and at this point, he thinks he knows what youāre suggesting.Ā
āPleaseāā He nearly cries out in a stutter. āTouch it.ā
You smile as you nuzzle your nose against his abdomen before giving him a short nod that you know he doesnāt see. Considering, well, he just threw his arm over his face and keeps his hips tensed, and his ass only slightly lifted off of the bed.Ā
Desperate. Willing.Ā
You prepare yourself for seeing it for the first time by not seeing it at all just yet. Instead, you kiss down until your lips are met with warm, damp fabric. Immediately you can feel his length twitch under your lips when you reach it, and all you can manage to do is flatten your tongue out and against it to feel it pulse again.Ā
And again, until that same arm thrown over his face reaches down in a desperate attempt to take the pants off for you. Heās the one losing his self control now, no embarrassment or nervousness in sight from him, and itās so fucking attractive to see him do it.
His shaking fingers fumbling with the waistband, shoving the pants down just an inch or so more to reveal more of that trimmed hair.
You donāt comment on the way heās acting out of fear that itāll make him feel shamed or even mocked, despite you truly believing it might just be the hottest thing youāve ever seen a man do in front of you.Ā
Instead, you help him. Sinking your own fingers beneath his pants and tugging them down all in one go before allowing your eyes to land on it.Ā
āJesus fucking christ.ā He moans out, the air alone offering an overwhelming amount of sensation due to the temperature change he now feels between his legs.Ā
You finally look at it, so dark in color. As if all of the blood in his body resides only here. You gently move your hand just over it, feeling the heat radiate from him, seeing the precum continuously dribble from the head, and then, finallyāĀ
āYouāre soā¦.ā You trail off, in awe of the way his body justā¦.keeps reacting. So much pre-cum. āHard.āĀ
He releases a broken little sound at the feeling of your fingers finally touch him, and it feels insanely different from when he touches it himself. As if heās not in control of his pleasure, and itās all just you. You are the one who feels good against him.Ā
Youāre shocked briefly when his hand makes itās way back down to yours, grabbing it and essentially trying to get you to stimulate him more. He puts so much pressure against your hand, sandwiching it between his own palm and stiffened cock.Ā
Youāre tuly in awe. This man has essentially edged himself to a world record, surely.Ā
āSlow down,ā You try to soothe him, moving your hand against him and watching him retract his hand. āRelax, It must feel good, right?ā
That little sob he lets out shows you his frustration. So needy, so ready. And even with you moving your fingers to circle his pulsing length, his hips continuously fuck up, not allowing him to have even a moment without a forceful amount of stimulation.Ā
āSo good,ā He moans, entire brain focused on what your hand is doing and unable to open his eyes. āI want it so bad.ā
You donāt think he hears you chuckle and youāre thankful he doesnāt. You can imagine he would genuinely be embarrassed to know youāre witnessing his pure blissed-out and aroused-state of mind right now.Ā
And itās not shocking that heās entirely focused on himself at this moment, because heās the one experiencing this for the first time. Even if you find it hard to believe that another woman has never touched his dick, youāre entirely flattered that it very well may be the case and that he wanted you to be the one to make him feel this good.Ā
āIāll give it to you, just relax. Iām not going to stop.ā You reassure his needy movements, and the way his body squirms at the slightest of touches. āWhat feels good?ā
God, heās so frustrated.Ā
āAll of it.ā He groans shortly, trying to take in a deep breath and just relax like you asked him too.Ā
You nod to his closed eyes and slacked mouth, fighting against his hips to be the one to pleasure him rather than himself and only when you blow a gentle breath against the head of his cock do his hips still and he shoots his hands up to your pillows, gripping them as if heās preparing for something.Ā
You watch intently at the way heās actively fighting to move now, waiting impatiently for you to do something now. Licking his lips, chewing on his bottom lipā god, heās so pretty up there.Ā
Then, you grant him a new sensation. Only because by this point youāre the one who is about to lose control.Ā
You stick out your tongue and lick all the way from his balls to the head of his cock, making sure to keep pressure against it so that you can taste all of the arousal heās spilled up until now. And while you were going to pull back to examine his reaction, this is the part where you release your self control.
The taste alone was enough to have you moaning, vibrating your voice against the vein of his length and then circling your lips around the head.Ā
Instantly, you suck at the feeling of pre-cum still pouring out of him. This time, there seems to be more. Coating your tongue with an almost sweetened salty taste.Ā
You feel briefly the way his hips chase the new warmth, clearly wanting to tuck itself into your mouth and quite possibly, down your throat, but you pull back and blow once again against the head.Ā
His entire body shivers as you glance up at him.Ā
You can barely comprehend just how into you he looks right now before rolling your own eyes in arousal at the image before immediately giving him everything your mouth has to offer.
Who cares if he comes too fast? Fucking look at him. Youād be stupid not to suck the absolute life out of him! Thatās your boyfriend up there, chewing on his bottom lip, eyes sparkling through hooded lids, chest heavingā
And god, you almost wish he wasnāt as big as he is because itās difficult to keep your eyes open when you take it in. You have to focus on sliding it through your lips, against your tongue, and right up to the back of your throat where the head of his cock bumps.
He can feel the way your fingers grip his legs through it, and by this point he has gone entirely non-verbal at the feeling.Ā
The only sound he can make comes from deep within his chest, and he can only release those sounds with heaved out and rigid breaths. His heart is pumping faster and faster the deeper you managed to take him, andā
āAh! W-wait!ā He panics, sitting straight up and becoming fucking floored at the way you stay on him. Moving your hands to his stomach and trying to shove him back. āFuck,ā He seethes as he takes in a sharp inhale, legs shaking as he flops back against the pillows. āFuck, iām sorry.ā He continues to murmur, feeling himself hit the wall of orgasm and practically pulverize it.Ā
And you, oh, you. You taste it. You feel the twitching and the way his muscles stiffen under your fingers. You can hear him muttering apologies as it spills into your mouth, down your throat, and even out of the corners of your lips.Ā
You try to take all of it, up until you canāt fucking breathe, and only then do you pull up and replace your mouth with your hand, watching in awe at the way he justā¦ā¦
It doesnāt fucking stop.Ā
He went from rigid to stammering his words, to now blatantly and full-on moaning through both the pleasure and frustration of losing the warmth of your mouth.Ā
āGod, Chanā¦.ā You whisper in a raspy voice, slowing your hands and intentionally pumping it out of him by now.Ā
āIām sorryāā He stammers, body still shaking as you pull the rest of it out of him. āI tried to,ā He winces with another unintentional moan. āI didnāt think it would feel that good.ā
You smile both proudly and fondly, watching him stumble through his words and whatever excuse he tries to come up with.Ā
āI donāt think you know how hot you look right now.ā You finally say, in a more stern voice. āYou couldnāt have stopped me if you wanted to.āĀ
Only now, when heās absolutely drenched himself in his release does he open his eyes in a drowsy way. He looks at you and that little smile on your lips and decides that, yeah, he can believe you. He trusts you, and heās entirely obsessed with you.Ā
āBut we still havenātāā
You cut him off quickly.
āWe have all night. All day tomorrow. All week, month, year. I donāt care.ā You dead-pan, reaching for his, somehow, still hard length. āChan.ā You add, gripping it and testing the actual hardness of it. āYouāre still hard, which is fucking amazing by the way, and you have no idea how wet I am right now.ā
Oh, my god. He forgot.Ā
āYouā youāre turned on?ā He asks, looking away from you.Ā
āSo fucking turned on.ā You confirm for him, now releasing his length to give him a bit of a rest, considering he must not realize heās still shaking. āLook, feel.āĀ
You say it as you crawl up and on top of him, seating yourself right up against his abdomen and grabbing his hand.Ā
He just stares, watching you guide his hand straight to the seat of your shorts.Ā
āOh.ā He sighs out.Ā
āEven through my shorts. See? Feel it.ā You continue to move his hand against you, trying not to rut your own hips up much like he was doing before.Ā
Brain malfunction. He doesnāt even have a fucking IQ at this point as his cock immediately reacts in all of itās sensitive, pathetic glory.Ā
āDo you want me to, um,ā He swallows around a breath he didnāt know he needed. ātouch you? Can I try?ā
You sigh, relieved that heās willing and immediately push yourself off of him and take care of all of the busy-work as quickly as possible. ie: taking off your clothes.
Unfortunately, you somehow briefly forgot that the man is still a fucking virgin. You can very nearly see his mouth fall open at your nude body being revealed to him. Even more so, you can see the dribble of saliva that he doesnāt quite catch fast enough, and his cock reacts.Ā
āYouāre so cute, god.ā You praise with the same compliment youāve been giving him all night.Ā
And when you seat yourself next to him, hugging one of his arms and tucking it between your legs before closing your thighs around it, you smile at him and the way he literally cannot stop staring with his mouth agape.Ā
āBabe, youāre drooling.ā You chuckle, shifting your hips a bit to rub yourself against his knuckles, where youāre still hugging his arm.Ā
Only then does he slurp up his embarrassment and try to remain calm. His fogged brain comes back to him quickly upon your comments as he wills himself to sit up beside you.Ā
He gets toā¦.touch you.Ā
And boy does he.Ā
Eagerly, messily, and quite frankly, kind of embarrassingly.Ā
You make it easier for him though, laughing as you flop back and spread your legs for him. Heās quick to simplyā¦explore. Heās not aiming for any singular area of your pussy because to be quite honest, heās still struggling to stop staring at the entirety of you.Ā
You watch his eyes, the way they stare at your tits, then your thighs, your pussy being petted by his fingertips, and thenā eye contact.Ā
He seems so sure of himself despite still managing to barely touch the clit. It doesnāt bother you one bit, because his eager fingers still find ways to touch you beautifully. Thereās so much intent behind the messy movements.Ā
Slipping and sliding two fingers between your lips, up your folds, and then stopping just short of your clit before sliding back down and feeling where his cock would go if he manages to make it this far.Ā
I mean, surely he will, right? Heās losing his virginity as he does this right now, even. Foreplay still counts, right?Ā
And then, after several minutes of him exploring, learning, and practically teasing you half to death, you reach down to guide him.Ā
āRight here,ā You soothe out in a soft voice, pressing his fingers against your clit and seeing him take note of it. āAnd here.ā You trail his fingers down until they reach your clenched hole, and you very slightly press against his fingers so that the tips just barely enter you.Ā
He tilts his head at you, concentrating on where you lead him before releasing his hand and essentially leaving him to his own devices now.Ā
And you know, he did tell you he was a quick learner, because almost immediately heās experimenting with putting a finger into you, and using his other hand to find a rhythm to rub against your clit.Ā
The whole time, he checks for your reaction, noting when your breathing hitches and when your body tenses. He continues, trying to only do things that make your body react and soon, youāre already turning to mush beneath him.
His fingers circle and tap your clit at a quick pace, with the other twisted inside of you. When he slides his finger out, and then back in, he rubs your clit harder, and god, yeah. Okay. You see his effort, and itās such a good fucking effort too.
āFeels good,ā You finally moan out for him, allowing yourself to give in to the pure arousal of the entire situation taking place. Thinking hard about what it would feel like to have such a desperate cock inside of you. āUse two fingers?āĀ
He listens instantly, moaning along with you when he slides the other in with the next thrust. His fingers against your clit trail down shortly after, curiosity getting the best of him when he spreads your lips open to see you stretch around his fingers.Ā
āItās so warmāā He comments more to himself than to you, watching the way you pulse around him, watching the way your slick seeps out of you. Itās so hot for him to see it up close like this, and his pace slows at the image before him. āCan you take more than two?ā
You lift your head in amazement at how he could ask such a thing.Ā
āChan.ā You smile at the way he jumps in surprise at your sudden, louder voice. Fingers nearly slipping out of you. āI can take way more than just two fingers.ā You glance down between his legs. āWay, way more.ā
He glances down to what youāre looking at before letting out an embarrassed sob.
āYouāre really going to let me?ā He nearly whines in excitement.Ā
You nod, reaching for him and pulling him to you by his shoulders. You land a kiss against his lips, trying not to shake at the way his fingers angle different inside of you as he moves to chase your lips.
āMhm,ā You soothe against his lips, intentionally scooting your hips down to your best ability to sink his fingers into you more. āMove your fingersā it feels good like this.ā
He listens, feeling you throw your arms around his neck and cling to him through it, all while moaning and groaning right up against his lips. Youāre not even kissing him, youāre justā¦.acting like this and itās fucking great.
He thought he would be the only one to be desperate in this situation, yet here you are, clinging to him as he works his fingers in you.Ā
āWhen?ā He finally asks upon noting the way you start to move your hips against his fingers.Ā
You peek your eyes open and pull back to look at him.Ā
āNow? Do you want to do it now?āĀ
He nods, slipping his fingers out of you and inspecting how wet theyāve become.Ā
āCan I?āĀ
You finally fall back, leaning against your elbows and spreading your legs wide in front of him. Lending him a nod, you watch the way he just freezes after the fact.Ā
All you can do is laugh at this moment with the way he loses any ability to remember how sex works.Ā
Then again, you wonder if he ever even watched porn, considering how heās acting and couldnāt manage to find the clit.Ā
āDo you want me to be on top?ā You question, blinking up at him and his blank expression.
He shakes his head at you, still frozen in his spot before his eyes slowly make their way down to the glistening sheen against your pussy.Ā
āDonāt we like, need a condom or something? I canāt promise Iāll be able to pull out.ā He asks, finally glancing away. āI donāt know if I can last as long as you want me toā¦.ā
And with that, all you do is lunge forward, grab your boyfriend by the cock, and pull him to you.Ā
He laughs, you laugh, and then itās silent when he leans over you, feeling his length lay against your core, already feeling spent but so, so ready to give himself to you.Ā
āIām on birth control. You donāt need to pull out.ā You smile evilly, wiggling your hips and watching the way he closes his eyes tightly as if to regain his composure of those words.Ā
āIām seriously in love with you.ā He mutters, pushing his hips forward and letting his length slide through the mess he made of you.Ā
You smile, feeling that by this point, your face may actually be stuck like this permanently, and lift your head to kiss against his lips once more.Ā
āYouāre ready?ā You ask quietly, against his lips. āI can help you adjust to where it needs to be. After that, I want you to do what feels best for you, okay?ā
He nods timidly, taking in a deep and nervous breath before feeling your hand guide his length to the opening.Ā
āGo on, slide in it.ā You encourage him.Ā
And he does.Ā
Slowly at first, gently, until he feels your wet hot walls envelop the head of his cock in full, clenching, pulling him in.Ā
His arms shake from either side of your head as he balances himself there, and it doesnāt take long for him to drop his head against your shoulder in deeper breaths than he was taking before.
The sensation is so much, itās no wonder people like to have sex. Itās so good, you feel so, so good around him. He canāt help it when he slides in deeper, not stopping until heās releasing a wet moan against your shoulder and holding onto you as if his life depends on it.Ā
He thought that once he got it all the way in, it would get easier. But it doesnāt. Even as the two of you are unmoving, with your hands in his hair and soothing him through it, you still clench him. Your pussy still stimulates it without either of you doing a damn thing.
You on the other hand, wonāt admit to struggling through that one, long and languid thrust inside of you. It felt as if he was splitting you open despite how wet you already were, and still are. The heaviness, the consistent twitching, all of it stretches you out more than you even knew youād need and god, it feels so good to have him just hold onto you like, to have him adjust to the feeling.Ā
Heās no longer a virgin, and thatās not even what matters right now.Ā
What matters is the way he continuously nuzzles his nose against you, snaking his head to your neck and moaning consistently against your ear when he manages to finally move.Ā
He pulls out only a little bit before his hips stutter at the sensitivity, then he pushes back in.Ā
In and out, in and out, untilā
āFuck.ā He moans, lifting suddenly from your neck, sitting up, staring directly Ā at where his cock sits inside of you, and he justā¦ lets go.
Knuckles white against the grip of your waist, he powers through the sensitivity, he fucks through it. Fast, with no real rhythm or ability to realize just how deep heās pushing himself into you, and thenā¦.
Heās done for.Ā
āThatās it,ā You encourage him through half moans at the feeling, your swollen clit begging for a little bit of attention too. āShit, Chan, thatās it.ā You continue, losing yourself in his reaction to you.Ā
He only moves faster, his hips only stutter more, and thank fuck he already came once because he wouldnāt have made it a solid inch into you before coming undone if he hadnāt. Now though? Heās pleasantly surprised to be lasting even this long.Ā
Until heās not, of course.Ā
And there, between your legs, he presses in as far as he can reach and loses his breath.Ā
Eyes rolling back, eyebrows furrowing, mouth agape, a deep moan rumbles from his chest as his shiver flows through his body at the first release inside of you.
You immediately shoot your hands to your clit, feeling it pump inside of you much like it did in your mouth. Already so much, you feel entirely full, and entirely ready if he can manage to keep coming for as long as he did before.Ā
You fingers assault the swollen nub so fast, working yourself up much like you would during a quick session of masturbation, not wanting him to miss out on what it feels like to have a girl come on himāĀ
It hits you faster than you can realize.Ā
Even when he buckles and falls back to your chest out of breath, you canāt even tell him that itās happening.Ā
Thankfully, he doesnāt move just yet. Well, until he feels your pussy clench him tigher than before. In a rhythmic way, almost.Ā
Only barely can he lift his head to watch you, and thatās when he notes that youāre holding your breath.Ā
You pussy is pulsing, and thenā
āAre you?ā He questions, experimenting with the idea of trying to thrust into you as he asks.Ā
Thereās the breath youād been holding.Ā
āYes!ā You call out, both to answer his question and to appreciate that little thrust he gave you.
Even if his cock is slowly becoming flaccid, youāre still full, and he can still feel the orgasm wash over you.Ā
Heās silent through it, wincing at his hyper-sensitive cock and very nearly cursing it out for not having waited just a minute longer to releaseā then, youāre hugging him.Ā
Tightly. So tightly, youāre holding onto him and breathing into his hair. He can barely breathe himself with this hold you have on him. Still, he doesnāt fight it, he simply lets you.Ā
Letting you cling, letting the last jolting pulses of your core push the rest of him out of you. There, he manages to lift from your weakening grasp and throw himself beside you.Ā
Out of breath, sweating, a total mess, he looks at you like he truly will never be able to love another person the way he does right now.Ā
And it falls silent for a long while before you roll over, throwing both an arm and leg over him.Ā
āMan,ā You sigh out. āHow does it feel?ā You ask this time, opening your eyes to playfully look at him.
āHuh? What?ā He asks, quirking a brow.Ā
āYou know, now that youāre not a virgin anymore. How does it feel?āĀ
He thinks hard for like two seconds before taking in a deep breath and smothering himself against the top of your head.Ā
āLike Iām in love with you, maybe.ā
And you know, given that this relationship is barely even considered one in the eyes of most people. You donāt think you care.Ā
āBecause I made you feel good, or because you want to let me make you feel good for likeā¦ā You pause, lifting your head to look him in the eye. āthe rest of your life?ā
He doesnāt even have to think twice.Ā
āThe second reason.āĀ
āYouāre such a simp, Chan, really.ā You joke, skewing your head fondly to look at him. āBut I think itās worth a shot.ā
~
Chapter two: LOSER. [wonwoo] ā coming soon!
series m.list
#lee chan smut#seventeen smut#hon <3#i feel insane#i want you to know that i just finished reading this and there's nothing in my skull#it's all just liquid#this is the hottest fic you've ever written to me i think. i think it tops the one where mingyu subs for the first time holy shit#sorry for not remembering the name I'm going through it right now š#i think i understand how and why people masturbate to fanfics#because the urge hit me like a train many times throughout this#i think this is joining my hall of fame of fics from you and it's arguably my new favourite dino fic#i really like the way you approached reader making sure he was cool and comfortable with everyone god my EMOTIONS hon#the way he was so reactive jesus christ help me i do love a sensitive man#reader feeling the impulse to put her mouth on him wow she's just like me fr#honestly this is basically just me lmao#dino nearly having a stroke anytime reader did anything is my kind of man actually#it was equal parts hot and endearing#love that we all think this man has a girthy dick but like consider that i am fragile you know?#honestly you made him last longer than i thought he would#but god i do love a man who is just so into you that he loses any and all composure#nah see i get why you didn't write for him before this#you simply would've been too powerful amd destroyed too many lives (read: my life)#you can never write for dino again thanks /j#.....honestly this might be my new favourite fic of yours I'm not even joking#i will have to evaluate once i am less insane but honestly this might be top 3 for me#you've done it again#sorry for being a deranged mess in the tags but good lord this was so hot and well-written hon my god#q: painting with hyunjin#oh also i want you to know those reactions are only a fraction of how i feel#AND i know wonwoo's chapter is going to ruin my life as well :D
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[pulls out a giant nerf gun] [hits new dream with repression and miscommunication of the rocky traumatic start of a relationship beam]
#(it's not actually that bad) (they just have 0 idea how to deal with Fucking Anything)#healthy coping? never heard of her!!!#ao3 deletes my draft today. so i'm gonna make a new one and speedrun the rest of my fic the next time i have like four consecutive hours#and then send it to my friend to read over it#and then fix stuff#and then POST#i was so focused on creating a masterpiece that i forgot that i was doing this to be mushy and fun and to FINISH IT!!!#my main goal was to finish it lol#my rewrites have been good though!!! and i have my plan for the end i just need to write it lol#reading a lot of fanfic yesterday reminded me oh yeah. i can just be mushy. and i will still like it!#and hopefully others too#of course i have to be Right#i couldn't bear it if i wasn't right#but i can be mushy :)#tangled#bluebird.txt#i love it when the girls fight they need to fight more and by god i'll do it all myself if i have to#other people can write the fluff#i wanna make these bitches FIGHT!!!#and then make up and be cute or whatever#but i think ive accepted i can't really write romantic fluff. its just not in me.#kissing? like...maybe#for all intents and purposes just assume my version of new dream is ace because i cannot possibly be assed#to figure out the minds of sex-enjoyers#i'm a sex ambivalent person myself but it's still like. whatever.#in fiction makes perfect sense. in real life i guess also? but less. so i will not write it cuz who give a shit someone else has surely#written it#anyways#[takes my giant nerf gun out] HEY '''FLYNN''' CHECK THIS OUT
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it's like i so badly want to work on my scarlet/violet fic but whenever i pull up the docs i just...freeze
#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#it's honestly just the knowledge it's going to be such a large story#like it preemptively stresses me out#like i know my b/w post apocalypse fic is going to be bigger (much bigger) it's so broken up it doesn't bother me as bad#even though i've broken up the s/v fic into teal mask/kitakami -> main story/paldea -> indigo disk/bb academy -> back to kitakami#i more or less consider it one complete work broken up into 3.5 Acts#idk i'll probably have to break it down further and spread the documents out more or something so it's less overwhelming#ugh#that comic i reblogged the other day really got me wanting to work on my fic#but i'm so Overwhelmed#i'm also just scared/annoyed that i know i won't finish the fic until s/v is no longer relevant and then i'm going to put all this work int#something nobody is going to read#and sure it's like i know at the end of the day this fic is for me myself and i first and foremost but STILL..............#and THEN i feel like i'm being whiney and needy by complaining about that and UGH#mid july will mark 9 years since i last completed any writing project and U G H#writing woes
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Silent Hill Fic Rating: 18+ Pairing: Pyramid Head x Female Reader Synopsis/Excerpt: His helmet had jerked your way, the sudden movement making your heart drop to your stomach. You couldn't look away from him, mouth agape at the towering menace. You didn't understand how, but you felt him peruse your form--nausea hitting you when he let out a guttural growl and headed straight for you. WARNINGS/TAGS: Dark fic, rape/noncon elements, extremely dubious consent, explicit content, blood play, heavy NSFW, teratophilia(?), monster/human, choking, dacryphilia, rough sex, unprotected sex, forced orgasm, tummy bulge, creampie, very obvious size difference. ā ļø READ THE TAGS: Please be aware this work contains content that the reader may feel uncomfortable with or otherwise triggered by. DO NOT READ if bothered by tags (no minors). ā ļø
A/N: I had to make sure to finish this one before Halloween! Sorry for the long wait, you guys! I got no tricks with me so I'm just going to hand over this little treat right here ! š¬
You hid beneath a large table, hands over your mouth to control your breathing as the floor shook. You could feel your heart beating intensely, the organ wanting to burst out of your chest as pure terror seized you when the footsteps paused near your hiding spot.
He was right in front of you. The only being you encountered in the desolate town of Silent Hill.
The monster.Ā
~
He had emerged out of an alley, swarmed by bugs as he trudged his way through, his massive frame freezing you in place. His head was encumbered by a steel frame, pyramid in its shape and heavy in appearance if his tortured groans were anything to go by. His scarred torso and bulging arms were bare, showcasing the immense power he held as he dragged a massive knife behind him.
You couldn't contain your gasp when you caught sight of it.
His helmet had jerked your way, the sudden movement making your heart drop to your stomach. You couldn't look away from him, mouth agape at the towering menace. You didn't understand how, but you felt him peruse your form--nausea hitting you when he let out a guttural growl and headed straight for you.
Fuck!
You bolted then, nearly tripping over your own feet in your desperation to get away from him. With the amount of blood soaking him and those unnerving growls, you weren't willing to take a chance and find out what he would do to you. Too afraid to look back, you continued running in the abandoned town, losing sight of where you were as you tried to find somewhere to hide.Ā
What buildings you could make out were old and rundown, their windows smashed and doors creaking ominously. They would not provide you with the cover you needed. You could faintly hear him behind you, breaking into a cold sweat when you turned your head and couldn't spot him in the dense fog.Ā
When you caught sight of the abandoned school, your lungs felt like bursting and your legs ached from overexerting yourself to run. Your body needed to rest before you collapsed from the fatigue. It was a large enough building that finding you would be a tasking ordeal for the monster. Perhaps he would give up his search for you and allow you to find a way out of this hellish place. You could only hope that you lost him earlier and he wouldnāt know where you crawled off to.Ā
Running up the steps to the entrance, you were met with the despairing sight of chains wrapped around the steel doors.Ā
āNo, no, noā¦ā you pleaded, grabbing onto the chains in hopes they were loose enough to open the doors. Luck was on your side, because they wereā chains pulling taut around the doors, opening just enough to allow someone to squeeze through with some difficulty. Struggling to wiggle your way through, you pushed with all your might and breathed a sigh of relief when you fell inside.Ā
Taking deep breaths, you looked around and tried to make sense of your surroundings. Needing to squint your eyes to adjust seeing in the dark, you could see a narrow hallway with dirty and rusty lockers lined along the walls. It was an uncanny sight, the broken down doors of the classrooms and splintering wood of the floor making you realize how decrepit this place was. It was so unkempt and old that you flinched when the floorboards creaked with every step you took. You felt like dying every time the floor protested your weight and critters ran spooked by the noise.
The hall turned a sharp corner to the left, more lockers and doors appearing on either side of the walls as before. It was then you noticed the broken elevator, the metal frame twisted in sharp angles and torn cables dangling from tears in the ceiling. If there was an elevator here, then that must mean there was a way up!Ā
Not caring this time about the noise you made, you hurried to the end of the hall trying to see if you could find some way to get to the second floor. If you could just get there, you would have the advantage of viewing who (or what) was below you on the ground. Maybe even spot a route or path out of this place. Passing by the restrooms, you nearly gagged when a putrid stench hit your nose. The buzzing of flies and roaches in the area made you squeamish, your face scrunching into a disgusted grimace at the dirty facilities before continuing your trek forward.
Finding the stairs was a much harder task than you expected. Faced with multiple locked areas of the building, you were forced to backtrack and navigate through other sections of the building to find another way up. It seemed like a dead end everywhere you turned.Ā
Just when you were about to give up, you finally spotted stairs leading to the upper floor.Ā
āFinally,ā you muttered in exasperation. Your turtle neck shirt was damp with your sweat, clinging to your body so uncomfortably that you would definitely need a shower soon. Placing a hand on the cracked wall nearest you, you took a breather, closing your eyes as you tried to get your energy back up again.Ā
āJust a little bit more. Donāt give up yet.āĀ
Forcing your aching feet to move, you headed tiredly towards the stairs. Once you reached them, you walked up to the landing, turning left to continue climbing forward when you noticed something.Ā
āYou have got to be kidding me?!ā
A disbelieving look crossed your face. In front of you was a dilemma that nearly made you scream in frustration. The only way to the upper floor was barricaded with chairs and tables, furniture piled up haphazardly along the second set of stairs as if to ensure no one could get by it. It effectively put a stop to your plans.Ā
Maybe you could climb over the obstruction? No, you couldnāt risk something falling out of place and crushing you with its weight, causing you harm in the end. You thought about using the railing to skip past the hurdle of furniture, but hearing the creak of the brittle handrail when you held it had you rethinking that idea. Placing your hands on your hips, you tried thinking of how to get past this obstacle. Maybe taking it apart little by little would help?
Seeing as you had no choice, you started dismantling the barricade one chair at a time. The tables were too heavy and had your arms shaking from the effort of pulling them so you left them for last. Once you piled up enough chairs to give you room to move one of the tables, you shook your hands to prepare them to take the brunt of the weight.Ā
While you were busy with this task, you didnāt know you damned yourself.
What you didnāt know was when you squeezed through the gap of the entrance, your sweater caught on an edge and tore a strip of the pink cloth. You didnāt know it was like a beacon, its vibrant color contrasting from the dull and bleak setting of the school. You didnāt know he held it in his bloodied hand, bringing it to his hidden face as if to smell you. You didnāt see the shudder that went through him. You also didn't see him bursting through the shackled entrance of the school, breaking the chain to pieces as the steel doors lay bent beneath his foot.
However, you did feel the building shake following a loud crash.Ā
Startled at the muffled explosion, you released the legs of the table you were holding, crouching as you looked around wildly. The echoed sounds of doors being forced open could then be heard even from a distance. Lockers were slammed and torn off the walls, the clash of metal producing an awful screeching sound that resonated across the empty building.
What?! What was that?! You panicked internally, palms sweating as you hid behind the railing. What couldāve made that thunderous sound? Was it him?! It couldnāt be, could it? Trembling with fear, you realized you were a sitting duck. You couldn't go back the way you came or youāll risk facing what caused that loud commotion.
When you heard a familiar growl, you couldnāt stop the tiny sob escaping your lips. It was HIM! When his steps edged closer to your location, your eyes wandered desperately around your cornered space and spotted a clothed table at the bottom of the stairs. Running down the stairs, you all but crawled beneath the table, tucking your feet in as you tried to make yourself as small as possible. You didnāt have any other option. The cloth provided you with enough cover to pull off not being seen and you could only pray you weren't found.
Eyes wide with fear, you held your breath when he turned the corner, the floor trembling with every heavy step of his boots. You could also hear the scrape of the giant sword he dragged with him, the shrill sound hurting your ears. You nearly bolted when you heard the locker doors being opened one by one before getting slammed shut.
Oh God, please, don't let him find me. Please, please, please. You shut your eyes tightly, clasping your hands against your mouth as you tried to keep as quiet as you could. The corner of your eyes teared up, a lump in your throat wanting to give way to sobs of distress the closer he got.
~
His trudging steps slowed as he surveyed the area.Ā
Pyramid Head tilted his head curiously, his helmet creaking with the action. He didnāt know where you hid but he could sense you near. When he pressed that piece of fabric to his helmed head, your intoxicating aroma set his nerves of fire, twisting his mind into a lustful hazeāthe urge to pillage and kill you getting stronger by the minute.Ā
When he heard that soft gasp earlier in the alley, he was stunned by your feminine form mere meters away from him. You were a small thing compared to him, the top of your head not even reaching his chest. Whatever surprise he felt was momentary, desire quickly flooding his veins as he drank in your lovely shape. How long since a pretty thing like you entered this infernal domain? How easy would it be to subdue you and make you a slave to his lust? What sounds could he coax from those wet lips of yours? His member twitched to life beneath his withered skirt, the thought of possessing you clouding his mind with lascivious images of your naked body beneath him.
When he took a step towards you, you ran like a frightened lamb.
Watching you turn around to fleeā the distance growing between you with every passing secondā Pyramid Head gripped his weapon tightly, anger consuming him as he followed right after you.Ā
As if he would allow you to escape him.Ā
He would take you. Tarnish that soft flesh and desecrate your soul until you were nothing but a bloody heap beneath him.Ā
He just needed to catch you first.Ā
Opening the lockers one by one, he couldnāt suppress his frustrated grumbles when you werenāt there. Where were you? He shifted his attention to the familiar clutter of furniture on the staircase, noting how neatly some chairs were piled in a cornerāknowing that the times heās ventured here, the chairs were never tampered in such a way.Ā
Realizing how close he must be to capturing you, he started up the stairs, dropping his weapon without a care as he tore down the barricade in a frenzy to find you.Ā
When his search proved fruitless, the veins in his arms and neck became more prominent from his fury. WHERE WERE YOU? Blind with rage, he smashed his fists against the broken furniture and the rotting walls, tearing everything in his wake as he roared loud enough to make his helmet vibrate violently from the sound. It hurt enough to cause him to rupture something and bleed, trails of blood dripping down his neck to mix with the blood of his other victims.
As he stood breathing heavily on the landing of the stairs, trying to shake off the cloud of anger consuming him, a faint creak was heard downstairs. He twisted his body to look behind him, crazily observing the area where he heard it from.Ā
There was a lone table. The once white cloth adorning it was an ugly shade of brown, time not being kind to as it had torn holes ruining it. He could care less about the useless piece of cloth. What had his undivided attention was the dainty fingers that could be seen poking out beneath it.Ā
There was a moment of silence before he charged down the stairs.Ā
Gripping the sides of the table, he flung it across the hall, old wood shattering to pieces when it smacked against the railing of the stairs. He paid little mind to the destruction he created, his focus landing entirely on your meek figure below him. A look of horror crossed your face, mouth open in shock as you stared up at him. A rumble of contentment echoed within his helmet having finally found his prize, quickly dropping down to his knees to grab you and pin you between his legs.
It didnāt take much to overpower you, Pyramid Head sitting on your thighs to lessen your squirming. Bunching the pink fabric in his hands, he tore your sweater apart like paper, your startled scream doing little to deter him. His bloodied hands groped the exposed flesh hungrily, smudging your torso with the red substance as you shrieked in disgust. The way the softness of your tummy gave under his firm hands had him addicted. He loved how weak and pliant your flesh was.
Your mounds were a sight too, spilling off the cups of the small band around your chest. He tore that off easily too, your bust jiggling from the action and making him groan at the sight. Much to his pleasure, he saw your skin pebble with goosebumps, the cool air of the room turning your nipples into tight buds.
His hands moved, thick fingers stroking over your breasts to test the doughy texture. You gasped, arching from the pressure, unknowingly pushing your chest against his palms. Much to your chagrin, the rough pads of his fingers sent a fire bolt careening from your nipples and through your quivering belly to ignite heat into your core. You bit your lip, ignoring the sensation as you tried shoving his hands away with your feeble strength. When he tugged harshly on the tips of your breasts, you let out a pained whine, the kittenish sound sending a shock of pleasure down his spine. He wished to tear you apart, bathe in your essence as he drank up your tortured cries.
He was reluctant to pull his hands away from you, your body smeared in a beautiful canvas of blood, but his need to fully claim you could not be denied.Ā Pyramid Head removed his hands from your breasts with a final rough squeeze, shifting one to rub his erection to alleviate some of his need, while the other hand trailed down to caress your clothed hip possessively.
He was bewitched by you, reverently stroking your skin with bloodied hands to dirty your purity. Shielding your breasts from his view, you were a vision with your head turned to the side, choking on a sob as you realized that despite how your mind protested his brutish touches, your body betrayed you when slickness dripped between your thighs.
At war with yourself, you didn't pay attention when his attention turned to the last article of clothing preserving your modesty.
Easing up on his weight, he shifted his body down to tug at your black jeans. When the tight fabric stuck around your hips, he grew irritated at the minor inconvenience. Before you could voice out a protest, he roughly flipped you over onto your stomach, shock coursing through you when he tore the denim to shreds at your sides, dragging the rest of it down your legs and taking your panties and shoes with them.
You could feel the heat in your face at the state of your nudity. He caressed your ass thenā forcing an undignified yelp from you at the offensive touchā squeezing the globes on either palm, his nails digging into the fat hard enough to leave lasting bruises on your unblemished skin.Ā
"N-no! You're hurting me!"Ā
You hissed between your teeth, sharp aches blossoming from where his fingers pressed on your ass. You shivered with disgust when the blood on his hands dirtied your globes, matching it with the mess of your front.
Brushing a calloused finger along your vulva, he was met with the heat of your pussy. It had your body jerking to attention, the blood draining from your face in an instant. When he tried to insert the bloody finger inside you, you shook erratically, your hands scrambling for purchase on the floor to get away from him.Ā
Tired of your antics, he twisted you to your back, uncaring of the yelp that left you when the back of your head hit the floor with a loud thud. Holding you down with one hand around your neck, he nearly choked you as he began pulling impatiently at the fastenings of his long skirt to jerk himself free with his other. His body shook with excitement, enticed by your naked flesh even as you begged sweetly under him.Ā
He paid little mind to your frantic scratching on his arm, the pain miniscule when compared to the hard throbbing of his cockā the twitching member pulsating so strongly that it had his mind blazing from the painful pressure, a groan of distress escaping him the longer it was kept confined. Pain that would only be soothed once he was encompassed by the tight walls of your pussy.Ā
~
The state of your mind went into a panic when you saw it. What lay between those muscled thighs was a monstrosity. It would bring you nothing but pure anguish and misery, the way it could barely spring upward with its heavy weight. Accompanied by an equally heavy set of balls and prominent veins lining the length of itā it was more of an instrument of pain than that of pleasure, meant to punish and brutalize those that fell victim to it.Ā
A whimper left you before you started thrashing in earnest, clawing away at his arm to get away from that.Ā
"LET GO OF ME! NO! Y-YOU CAN'T-!"Ā
You didn't care that he could snap your neck in a second, didn't care that he could rip you limb from limb or crush your head with his bare hands. Those were much better options than the alternative he was hellbent on pursuing.Ā
What the hell?! How can he be that bi-!!? Your thoughts were interrupted when you felt monstrous hands grip your knees and pull them apart savagely, screaming at the painful ache in your pelvis following the rough motion. He knelt between your spread legs, his large thighs forcing you open and leaving you unable to close your legs.
"W-wait! Wait! Think about what you're doing, please?! It's not possi-?!"Ā
The blunt head of his cock tapped your entrance, the pearl of precum mixing with your wetness as he tried to nudge his way in. His size proved too much for your smaller frame, his dick sliding up your vulva in a failed attempt to penetrate you. The insistent push of his hips had you holding your breath, body freezing in place when the head of his cock threatened to breach your cunt only to slide along your labia once more.Ā
The rough motion had you panting, the repeated nudging on your clit causing your pelvis to twitch from the erotic stimulation. You couldnāt stop your bodyās reaction to him, a pulsating heat shimmering beneath your skin. Taking a glance down, you shuddered at the sight of his cock sandwiched between your spread lips. It had your feminine channel burning for him despite your fear of him. Shame accompanied your arousal as you felt more of your natural fluids coating the underside of his dick and flowing down your ass in rivulets.
While you lay gasping at the dizzying sensation, you were ignorant to his growing agitation when he missed his mark again. He raised your hips higher, giving himself a better view of your leaking hole before grabbing his wet shaft with one hand and lining himself up once more. This time he was determined to properly defile you.
Your eyes fluttered open when he adjusted you, looking up at him in confusion as you tried to clear your mind. The momentary pleasure he had given you was obliterated in a second when you felt the press of his cock head stab its first inch inside your dripping pussy.Ā
Like a bucket of cold water hitting your face, you shrieked when the reality of your situation set in. Flinching from his touch, you tried twisting your hips away from him hoping to dislodge the stiff cock from its journey inside you.Ā
"No! You won't fit!"
Bucking your hips uselessly, you failed to realize that your swirling hips moved pleasantly around the tip, a dribble of cum shooting out of his cock to coat your insidesā making you gasp when you felt it and him shudder strongly at the feel of your sweet cunt. Seeing how you were so lubricated for him, he repositioned himself above you, bracing a foot on the floor while keeping the other leg bent at the knee. Grabbing the back of your knees, he pushed them forward near your head, effectively placing you in a mating press of sorts.
Not giving you any time to protest, he thrusted half of himself in one diligent push.
You yelped at the sudden pain, eyes nearly popping out of your face as you felt your pussy stretch beyond its limit. Glimmer of tears rushed to your eyes, the pain making your mouth wobble as he pulled awayā the drag of his cock against your inner walls nearly causing you to faintā only to cry out when he thrusted back in with more force. More of his cock violated your sore insides, rendering you a screaming mess as he continued to plunder your wrecked form. Too scared to look at the damage between your legs, you pushed against his firm stomach, pleading for him to stop or he'll kill you.Ā
A sharp jab into your swollen flesh had you crying out, arching your back as tears trailed down your face. No manner of preparation couldāve made his passage bearable, the stark difference between his gargantuan size and your regular size evident as you struggled to accommodate him.
He took you like a brute. Not caring about your distressed wails.
It hurt.
Maybe the pain was making you delirious, but beneath the agony, there was a thread of pleasure seeping through the cracks. You refused to believe it, the thought of your body betraying you in such a way nearly crumbling you.
ā¦
ā¦
Ā Then why were your hips moving timidly alongside his?
~
His hands bit into your sides, Pyramid Head lifting your lower body off the floor to smack against him, driving the rest of his cock inside your spasming pussy with a low groan.
It was a tight fit.Ā
Once the entirety of his throbbing cock was seathed inside your warm heat, he took the time to glance down at you. You were a sweaty mess of blood and tears, pained gasps emerging from your trembling lips as your body twitched uncontrollably from his claiming of you. Your entrance was stretched taut around his engorged cock, the blood smeared on your pelvis making him wonder if it was yours or from him.Ā
He was immune to your choked sobs, not feeling the least bit remorseful of his violent taking of you. Rather, he was pleased you survived. Many didnāt make it past this stage, but you proved to be a pleasant surprise.Ā
The snug walls of your cunt suddenly clenched around his dick, nearly making him cum on the spot.Ā
He pulled his hips back, hissing when your walls clamped down on him, making the task difficult before driving forward with purpose. Before long, your soaked entrance made his movements easier, his dick sliding much faster inside your straining pussy. Pained cries turned into soft mewls, your hips eventually moving in tandem with his with every brush of your clit.Ā
He paused midthrust to stare at the bulge in your tummy in fascination. It was a ghastly sightā the way your lower belly distended from his cock penetrating you. He pressed on the bump in an inquisitive manner, jolting in shock when your channel clenched around him erratically, a stream of fluid splashing on his lower belly following your loud shriek.Ā
The shock was momentary, Pyramid Head rubbing your secretion between his fingers to play with the strings. Bringing them beneath the helm of his helmet, he was overtaken with the smell of your lust. Even though you couldnāt meet his gaze, you could feel him staring at you in a hungry manner. He gave you little time to be embarrassed, hunching over you to place your legs above his elbows, spreading you further and spearing into you with brutal thrusts.
He couldn't stop the rapid succession of thrusts, driving into you faster and faster as his release built up with every plunge inside you.
~
You twisted helplessly, opening your mouth to voice out your pleasure as fire spread throughout your body. His fierce pace had you writhing wildly beneath him, shaking your head at the growing tension in your stomachā signaling another approaching orgasm. You didnāt want him to stop. Your womb clenched with every harsh jab of his monstrous dick against it, the pressure escalating with every second of your ruin.
āO-oh! Please, please, pleaseā!!ā You sobbed, not knowing if you wanted him to stop his rough onslaught on your poor body or begging for more as his hips collided violently between the juncture of your thighs. The wet slap of skin on skin echoed along the hall, your passionate cries and his low groans forever imprinted on your mind. Your legs grew tired, falling lax on either side of him, unable to keep up with his vigorous pace.Ā
He used you like nothing more than a cocksleeve, molding the shape of his cock in your tight pussy, his sac slapping lewdly against your ass.
It became too much.Ā
Your mind went blank when the knot in your belly finally snapped, letting out a scream of completion when intense heat spread throughout your shaking body. Your vaginal walls gripped him tightly, trying to milk him for all his worth, the sudden tightness forcing a growl to emerge from him. Tears escaped you, the painful pleasure driving you mad in his embrace.
White lights danced behind your eyelids, your orgasm turning you into a puddled mess of ecstasy even as he continued to ravage you.
The last thing you felt before closing your eyes in exhaustion was a scorching heat filling your insides, calloused fingers rubbing the bump in your tummy in wonder.
ā£ļøš¤ā£ļøThank you for reading~! ā£ļøš¤ā£ļø
I got another treat for my dear followers! You gotta know I'm posting NSFW Art to go with my fics as well~ (*^ āæ <*)ā”
šHappy Halloween, you guys! Stay safe out there!š
Full NSFW Art here ---> (ā ćā Ļā ćā )
#slasher thirst#dark smut#pyramid head#pyramid head silent hill#pyramid head smut#pyramid head x reader#slasher smut#slasher art#slasher fucker#slasher x reader smut#whimsyvixenart#monster fucker#monster smut#smut art#female reader
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for people who also have a mild impulse shopping problem, I've found it useful to identify the itch I want to scratch: is it spending money or is it getting things? If it's spending money, I trick my brain by paying off something I owe. Like a few years back when I was feeling dangerously shoppy, I would drop a big chunk of change as a student loan payment. When I was buying an entire new mouth of teeth, I'd transfer money from my checking to my secret ultra hard to access tooth account.
If paying myself or paying a debt doesn't work, I find a charity or gofundme that's worth supporting. (You gotta be careful with that last one, it's really easy to be spend way more than you should, budget-wise, because it makes spending money feel good morally, which can be an incentive to keep going.) I also like to keep cash on hand so if I see someone who needs money, I can give it to them. It's a financial decision made impulsively for an opportunity I won't get again (giving $20 to this exact person at this moment of need). All this soothes the spending beast inside of me, and I don't deal with the Money Shame that comes with $100 of amazon orders.
If I want to acquire things, I download a lot of research articles I know I probably won't read, or I get an enormous stack of books from the library that would be impossible to finish before I have to return them, or I'll download a bunch of albums I tell myself I'll get to someday. Sometimes it's enough to just make a list of things of things I want to do or own. A list of one hundred movies I've curated from best of lists that in this moment I feel motivated to watch. Add tv shows to my watch list on netflix. Add fics to my "to read" list on ao3. Anything that feels like I'm adding to a hoard.
If I still want to shop, well, I'm probably gonna spend more money than I mean to, but I at least make sure I'm deliberate about my spending. If I'm gonna blow my cash on something, it should at least be worth it. That means either very cool or very useful. And honestly, the things you tell yourself are useful while in the shopping haze are never that useful, so you might as well go for very cool.
This is all to say I fell into a trance last night and this morning woke to receipts and tracking info from etsy dot com. And I am like "yikes." But I did get something that is so so so stupid that I can't wait to show it to you all when it arrives.
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