#then got fucking diarrhea because of my piece of shit dinner

[italiantea]

having a fuckign no good terrible bad day im going to kill someone *lies motionless in bed*

[krreader]

BTS scenario → pranking you and it going wrong.

pairing: bts x reader fandom: bts warnings: language genre: angst ; fluff ; crack

a/n: listen,  if my boyfriend “pranked” me by telling me he got into a car accident I’d kick his ass to the outbacks. there’s a line, you know? so I settled for less intense pranks, I hope you still like it though!

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kim seokjin

Jin and you had been annoying each other all day long.

Your relationship has always been the playful kind and it consisted of a lot of laughing fits, but maybe today was the day that Seokjin finally took it a bit too far.

He was making dinner, a separate portion for you because there was something in this dish today that you didn't particularly like. And because he was making it separately, he saw his opportunity to make yours a.. little spicier.

Just a little.

And then he accidentally put the whole package in and knew that re-doing the whole thing would take too long.

“Ah, she'll be fine,” he muttered to himself, placing the bowl in front of you thirty minutes later when everyone was sitting at the dining table.

The boys were all happily eating, Jin watching you shove spoon after spoon into your mouth with a bit of worry, but also amusement.

And then it finally hit you.

All at once. 

“Oh my god,” you quickly said, grabbing the water in front of you and downing it in one go, but that definitely wasn't enough from the looks of it. Your mouth was on fire, but more importantly, and more worryingly, so was your ass.

And guess who knocked on your door forty minutes later, because you’ve gotten diarrhea from his stupid prank.

“I didn't mean to put in the whole package, just a little bit to make it a little more spicier and to annoy you..-”

“You're going to regret this, Kim,” you yelled, “Just you wait..”

He was so fucked.

min yoongi

Yoongi didn't mean to hurt you, he just thought this was an incredibly funny idea.

He had bought himself a few new pieces of jewelry a few weeks ago and as he was cleaning out his room, he found one of the empty ring boxes.

“Stop standing around and help me clean. This is your room after all, not mine,” you complained when you walked back into his room, but then stopping dead in your tracks when he turned around with the box, “What are you..-”

But Yoongi had already crossed the room and knelt down in front of you as if he was proposing to you, “(Y/N), will you..-”

“YES!” you said before he could even finish the sentence. It wasn't romantic, but it wasn't something you ever thought to happen. So you didn't waste a second of your breath, your mind was already set.

But when he opened the box, a big fat junk of nothing looked back at you. And when your eyes drifted to your boyfriends' he added: “..have sex with me later?”

He was still grinning, but the more your shoulders slumped, the more he realized what a fucking mistake this had been.

You had been dropping hints for years, but he always told you that he wasn't ready for marriage yet. And then he does this? Despite him knowing you wanted to marry him so badly?

You had pretended to laugh, but the fact that you almost ran out of the room so that Yoongi wouldn't see your tears gave away just how much this “prank” had hurt you.

And that had never been his intention.

So even though he still wasn't ready for marriage, he bought you a ring a week later and when he gave it to you, he said: “I love you. And I know that I will only love you for the rest of my life. I will marry you one day, I promise you. When BTS is done, when I'm done with it all.. then you and I will marry. So.. wait for me?”

You did.

With that ring on your finger as a promise.

jung hoseok

You guys were at this really fancy party, everyone mingling and chatting with various celebrities.

Hoseok and Taehyung had found this really cool candle that looked like it was real, but was actually fake. Taehyung had accidentally touched the “flame” and realized that it wasn't a real flame.

And now the two were playing around with it like two little kids, not caring about the fancy shit the venue had provided.

“Imagine if (Y/N) saw you right now,” Taehyung laughed, “She's always so protective of you..-”

“HOSEOK!”

As if on queue, you sprinted towards him and stopped him from reaching out to the flame.

“No, I wasn't..-”

“I swear to god, I can't even go to the bathroom without you doing something stupid!”

“No, but it's not real, look!” he pointed at Taehyung, who was happily holding his entire hand into the flame to prove the point, “We were just playing around with it!”

Almost giving you a heart attack in the process wasn't really worth it, though.

kim namjoon

He had gotten the idea a while ago, as all those fake articles about a possible FRIENDS reunion had come out.

He just wanted to prank you a little, he didn't mean for you to react that way.

“BABE!” he ran into the room and held out his phone, some random article being on display, “THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER GAME OF THRONES SEASON!”

“What?!” you pushed your laptop away and pushed yourself out of his bed, nearly falling in the process, then ripping the phone out of his hand only to read an article about how to help you poop better.

“Got you,” Namjoon grinned, but then his eyes widened when he saw how angry you suddenly became.

And then it turned into this huge ass pillow fight, which was actually just you throwing all of his Ryan plushies into his face until they were all lying on the floor and occasionally telling him how much you hated him for tricking you like this.

park jimin

Spiders were fascinating, but there was a reason that people thought they were creepy. And honestly, even someone who says they're not afraid of them would shit their pants in a situation like that.

Jimin had bought the rubber spider at this prank store while he had been on tour. Thought it would come in handy sometime, or he just thought it looked so real that he simply had no choice but to buy it.

Whatever his reasoning, you hated him for it.

Him and you were watching a movie on his bed when he pulled out the ugly thing. He was either really sneaky, or you were simply too entranced by the movie, so you didn't notice it.

You felt something brush against your shoulder, then your arm and as you were turning your head to the side to check what it was, he let it fall onto your lap and it looked so, so real..-

You immediately screamed, jumped up and ran out of the room, leaving a laughing Jimin behind, literally rolling on the floor from how funny he thought this was.

But what had been so incredibly funny at first suddenly wasn't so funny anymore when his girlfriend didn't want to spend the night in his bed, but in Jin's instead.

“Hyung, she's my girlfriend,” Jimin tried to argue, trying to push past him inside his bedroom.

“And she's my best friend. She doesn't want to see you tonight, she's still shaking from your ridiculous prank.”

“This is ridiculous..- (Y/N), come on. Talk to me, please.”

“Go jerk off to your spider, Jimin,” you yelled from within the room, “I'll stay right here in this comfortable spider-free bed.”

Yeah, that prank didn't go according to plan at all.

kim taehyung

Taehyung was only playing around like the little kid that he could sometimes be, he wasn't thinking rationally that his girlfriend was an adult and that when she would see him like this, she would lose her goddamn mind.

His manager has had surgery on his knee a few weeks ago and was here to visit him and the boys. And while the 'grown-ups' were talking, Taehyung was walking up and down the hallway with his crutches, despite knowing that you'd show up at any second.

And when you did and the first thing you saw was Taehyung with the crutches, one foot raised as if he had genuinely hurt himself? 

You lost it.

“What the hell happened?!” you dropped your bag and sprinted towards him, observing his features to see if there were any other injuries on his body.

But Taehyung just chuckled and shook his head, quickly putting the crutches aside and grabbing your hands to kiss them.

“I'm fine, (Y/N). They're not mine.”

He nodded towards his manager, a bandage wrapped around his knee that signalized he was the one with the injury and not your boyfriend.

You hit Taehyung’s chest, your own heaving heavily from how scared you had been for a second, “You're such an asshole. You don't play around with crutches! How old even are you?! 8?!”

Sometimes, yeah.

jeon jeongguk

A fan had given him the air horn today at a fan meet, he had been scaring people all day long with it, annoying literally everyone that he knew.

Only one had been spared so far, but he was about to change that.

He was waiting behind the door of his room, knew you had arrived when he heard you and Namjoon do small-talk in the living room.

And when the door finally got opened he pressed the air horn and..-

“Jeongguk, what the fuck?!” Namjoon yelled out, immediately rushing to your side as you had fallen down and hit your head on the door handle.

So what had started as him just wanting to scare his girlfriend, ended in him having to drive his girlfriend to the ER because she had to get stitches.

“(Y/N), I'm so sorry,” he looked so awful, regret clearly visible on his face.

“I know you didn't do it on purpose,” you sighed, contorting your face when the doctor continued to clean the wound, “Just.. try to be more careful, okay?”

Oh, that he would be.

[misscgyn]

Everybody Wants a Piece of Max (Caulscott Fanfic)

*gif not mine!!

Fandom: Life is Strange

Pairing: Max Caulfield x Nathan Prescott

Prompt: ’Stop ignoring me ignoring you.’ & ‘I’ve been called worse.’

Summary: Max had a petty fight with Nathan when he learned that she hangout with Warren alone at night. He got so jealous of it.

Chapters: 1/1

Word Count: 5,253 words

Warnings: Nothing. It’s all fluff and very slightly implied smut.

A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20625446

Note: It has been four years already and I’m still a fucking trash for Caulscott. So here we are, my first Caulscott fanfic ever. I never really post my stories but kinda want to share this with my fellow low-key Caulscott shippers who still ships them in 2019. Enjoy.

—————

“I told you, we just ate dinner and watched the movie. Then went home!” Max was trying to explain Nathan about last night with Warren. But Nathan, being stubborn and hot-headed as he is, he didn’t like the idea of Max and Warren hanging out alone. Nathan was marching out from the dorm while Max followed behind him. She want this argument to be done and just doesn’t want to start this day with another quarrel with him. But it seems it already started.

“You basically went on a date with him!” Nathan continued to walk to his class even though he doesn’t feel like attending on it. He, himself, doesn’t really understand why he’s so mad about this. But one thing’s for sure, he is unhappy with it. As per Nathan’s case, unhappy equals sad and sad equals mad. So, yeah, smad.

He walked faster and he felt Max was trying to match his pace causing him to hasten his footsteps further. Max had enough and grabbed him by the arm causing him to stop. Max turned him around to face her. Nathan just rolled his eyes at her while Max stood in front of him and quietly catching her breath after the not-so-running-yet-also-not-walking marathon they did.

“Okay, Nathan. How many times do I have to tell you that Kate, Brooke, and Stella were supposed to be there, to be with us. We planned to hang out together but they ditched us!” Max exclaimed. She pinched the bridge of her nose trying to not be annoyed any further and just chill down. She deeply regretted that she told Nathan about what happened yesterday but she also doesn’t want to keep things from him. She should have known better on how he will react on this.

A week ago, Warren and Brooke was complaining on Max of not having her to hang out with them anymore. Ever since she became friends with Victoria and Nathan, the trio were constantly together. Victoria likes to visit cafes and exchange photo tips with them and Nathan was their go-to-driver. To be fair, she doesn’t really have any choice but to hang out with them especially when Nathan is around. He will practically drag her to his truck along with Victoria and take them to wherever they want.

So to make amends, Max told Warren, Kate, Brooke, and Stella that she will spend some time with them on Tuesday (which is yesterday) for a movie night and dinner. All of them agreed on the plan but when d-day came not all were able to come.

Max went to the parking lot and saw Warren leaning on his car while typing on his phone. Max greeted him and Warren glanced at Max with a disappointed look. Max asked him why and he told her that Brooke can’t come because of some accident she had caused during Ms. Grant’s class and she had to write a report on it to be submitted by tomorrow. Stella also can’t come because of diarrhea or food poisoning. She said that she bought a bread from a sketchy vendor and for the whole day, she was in-and-out of the toilet. Warren scolded her of buying from a stranger knowing that he looked sketchy. In her defense, the bread looked really tasty.

Max was saddened about the news but she tried to be optimistic. She was hoping that Kate sure is coming so she dialed up her number but she wasn’t answering. Max told Warren that she’ll just get back at the dorm to check if everything’s okay. Max ran back to the dorm and knocked at Kate’s door. Kate let her in and she asked her what was wrong. She saw Kate is ready to go based on her clothing but she looked restless while staring at her rabbit. Kate told Max that her rabbit is acting weird and is probably sick because it hadn’t eaten its food since the morning. Kate apologized to Max for not being able to come to movie night. She just can’t leave her sick pet alone which Max understood. Max told her that they can hang out next time again and went back to Warren.

Warren saw Max running back in his direction. He knew that Kate couldn’t come as well when he saw Max jogging back alone. He asked Max if she still wants to go but Max said yes so they ended up spending time together.

“Yeah, sure.” Max snapped back from her flashback when Nathan responded with his disinterested tone. Max groaned. She knew that Nathan is still not finished arguing on this thing.

“You know what. I’m not having this, early in the morning. Let’s just talk later.” Max sighed in defeat. She just really not in the mood to argue right now. She didn’t even have her coffee yet for this drama.

“Yeah, right. Go start your day with that loser-Gayram, Caulfield.”

“See you later, Nathan.” Max said defeatedly.

“Whatthefuckever.”

Max shook her head and separated ways from Nathan. She doesn’t want to go along with Nathan’s anger so she thinks it’s for the best to leave him alone and settle things later. Luckily, she doesn’t have any morning classes with him so it’ll be less annoying. But right now, she really needs to drink her coffee.

—————

It was her last class already and she hadn’t heard anything from Nathan, yet. So she thought of texting him so they could talk after class. It is not her intention to finish this day without talking to him.

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

Hey. Are you okay? Talk later?

Nathan usually replies immediately when he’s not mad. But he is mad, so Max wasn’t exactly expecting him to reply soon. Max shoved her phone back to her pocket and return her attention to the class.

Max and Nathan thinks that they aren’t the typical all fluff couple you would see in movies. They are not like those in a relationship that radiates in sweetness, in fact, they are opposite of it. They always bicker and have petty quarrels (which mostly started by Nathan) that suddenly end up with a cuddling session and just forget what they were fighting about. Their fights weren’t that serious in the first place like there was a one time when Max started to watch a new season of Doctor Who without Nathan and he got so upset about it. He wanted to watch it together with her. He felt like he was ’cheated on’ by Max where Max thought it was not a big deal and they can still watch it together. Nathan annoyed her to death by throwing Max side comments about her apparent ’cheating’ for a week. What Max did to stop him from being an annoying little shit as he is, she barged at his dorm carrying popcorn and cookies and offered him to binge watch the show together. At first, he was going to protest but when Max tone felt like a ‘take it or leave it’ moment, he got scared for the latter. Knowing Max, she means it when she says it so he’s happy to obliged. Despite their many petty fights, it doesn’t always end up in a serious one.

But for Victoria, they just have an unconventional way of expressing love for each other. She finds them really cute couple especially when Max get teased by Nathan. She looks cute when she turns red out of annoyance. Sometimes Victoria teams up with Nathan which Max always felt unfair because she has no one to back her up. Well, Victoria is Nathan’s best friend after all.

The bell rang indicating the end of the class. Max saw Victoria coming at her desk.

“Hey Victoria.”

“Did you two fight, again?” Victoria’s voice sounded like fed up already with her friends’ antics. She wasn’t surprised that Victoria knows about this. Nathan has a thing where he makes sure that he pointed out on people that he’s mad at you. He’s like a kid, Max thought.

“Well, yeah. It’s because of last night. I hang out with Warren. By the way, have you seen Nathan? I was expecting to see him at lunch but he’s nowhere to be found.” Max told Victoria.

“Oh that’s why he’s so pissed at your friend. I actually ate lunch with him at Ziggs. We drove there and he ratted you out as, usual.” That’s Nathan’s routine. Whenever they fight no matter how small it is, he would rant on Victoria about it. Meanwhile, Victoria finds their fights as a great source of entertainment so she had all her ears when it happens.

“What did he say?” Max questioned.

“I think you two should just talk about it and probably have sex or whatever. That’s how you resolve things, right?” Victoria teased. There was a smile plastered across her face.Max blushed at her response.

“W-we d-don’t…” Max tried to answer but Victoria’s hand landed on her shoulder, gently tapping her. She knew that she liked seeing her embarrassed. Although, Max and Nathan have been dating for a while now, they haven’t really done it yet besides from cuddling and kissing.

“But seriously, Maxine, you’re boyfriend is all jealous with you and Warren. And I don’t think he’ll be done arguing about it any time soon.” Victoria told. Max cringed by the name but she understood her statement. He knew Nathan wouldn’t be so happy about it after pointing it to her that Warren had a thing for her before which Max didn’t knew. She told Nathan that he was just being a nice friend but Nathan knew better than that.

“Thanks, Victoria. And… Max never Maxine.”

“I know. Au revoir.” Victoria smiled teasingly at her and waved goodbye. Max waved back and begin to clean up her desk ready to leave the room.

When she went out, she saw Kate talking to Ms. Paxton. She waited for them to finish their conversation before greeting her friend. Kate looked distressed which made Max worry about her. Max wondered what happened to her pet rabbit last night.

“Hi Kate.”

“Max! How did it go last night?” Kate tried to be cheerful but the sadness in her voice can’t be completely hidden.

“It was fun. We ate dinner and saw the movie just like what’s planned. How was your rabbit by the way?”

“Glad to hear that. Oh, Max. I had her taken to the vet earlier because she didn’t eat anything at all yesterday. I was so worried. But the vet told me that she’s gonna be fine.” Kate explained. Max placed her hand on Kate’s shoulder while the other was holding Kate’s hand. Max gave her a squeeze to comfort her worried friend.

“Ahh…That’s why you missed Ms. Paxton class earlier. I’m sure she’s going to be okay, Kate. You, too should take a rest.”

“Thank you, Max. I promise that I will make it up to you and Warren next time.”

“It’s okay, Kate. We understand. Like I said, we can all hang out together next time.” Max gave her quick hug and walk back to the dorm together.

—————

Max just finished her assignments and checked the clock. It was already ten o'clock. She really lost track of time after writing essays and doing her portfolio. She checked her phone and surprisingly, there still no responses from Nathan. She decided to text him again.

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

Nathan, where are you? I haven’t seen you all day. Call me.

Max waited for a response or a call but there’s nothing. She assumed that he didn’t want to talk later after her class since he didn’t replied to her text so she went full focused on her assignments. Max started to feel weird because Nathan usually at least reply like ’fuck off’ or just emojis to her when he’s mad. But he never ignored her texts not until now.

Max decided to just sleep and maybe tomorrow Nathan is ready to settle their petty fight.

—————

Afternoon came by and Max still hadn’t heard on Nathan. They had classes together this afternoon but he skipped it, like usual. Although, she can’t hide her worry about him. Max is wondering if she is underestimating the weight of their argument between her and Nathan. Should I be worried? She asked herself.

The whole day went fast and Max had no single sight of Nathan. Not even Victoria had saw him. Max tried to call him and spammed him with text but there’s not a single reply from him.

Max texted him again despite the lack of response.

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

Nathan, please reply. I’ve been trying to talk to you but it’s you who don’t want to be contacted. I don’t even see you!

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

Let’s talk please. I’ll wait at your dorm later. See you.

—————-

Just as she said at her last text to Nathan, she went to his dorm and waited for him. She was actually expecting to see him but to her disappointment, an Nathan-less room welcomed her.

She sat on his bed checked her phone again to see if he already replied. She sighed that he’s still not answering all of her messages and call to him. Is he ignoring my messages? Max wondered to herself. She began to grabbed a book laying around his room and read it to get over her boredom of waiting.

Hours had passed but Nathan hadn’t came back to his dorm. Max grew worried and began to think what if something happened to him. What if he’s in an accident? Or a fight? Or a hospital? Max breath deeply to calm her thoughts and began dialing Victoria. She hope that she knew where were his whereabouts.

“Hello, Victoria.”

“Hi, Max! What’s up?”

“Are you with Nathan? Do you know where he is?”

“Oh my God, Max. You two still hadn’t make up? Wow. Just when I thought you two can’t stand not seeing each other for a day. Both of you only lasted not talking to each other for four hours the last time you fought. This is a record-breaker, Max.”

“I know and I’m getting worried about him. So please tell me Victoria that you are with him right now. Or at least saw him today.”

“I��m sorry, Max. I am currently at my parent’s house right now. We just got back from dinner. And no, I also haven’t seen Nathan today.”

“What if something happened to him, Victoria?” Max voice faintly cracked by that sad thought. She is really getting worried about him.

“Max, calm down first. Maybe Nathan’s just chillin’ somewhere. Max, if something would really happen to Nathan, I promise you that I would know it. I will try to contact other Vortex members if they saw Nathan. I know there’s a party outside the campus right now. Maybe Nathan’s there. I’ll get back to you.”

“Thanks, Victoria.” She hang up her phone. At least Victoria didn’t seemed panicky on this situation which made Max to be somewhat relieved. If something is really wrong with Nathan, she would know it. They have known each other since childhood. 

Max suddenly remembered of Kate’s pet. She went on the vet right after class and they hadn’t had the chance to talk about her pet’s condition. So she sent a quick text to her which Kate responded immediately. She told Max that she will be bringing it back to her dorm tomorrow morning. They will just observe her for the night before completely discharging the pet. Max was slightly relieved on Kate’s but still stressed out by Nathan.

She was about to text him again when a notification popped up on her phone. It was from her social media and was from Nathan’s. She clicked it and saw Nathan posted a photo of him and some Vortex club members in a party. Maybe this is the party that Victoria was talking about.

There were no captions on the photo but the image is evident enough to see that he’s having a good time right now. Max was both furious and relieved at the same time (but mostly furious) because Nathan’s safe and he is really just purposely ignoring her texts since he’s able enough to update his social media account. And don’t even try to argue that he may be using a laptop right now and probably lost his phone, cause damn who carries a laptop at a party except the DJ. And knowing Nathan wouldn’t bother to borrow a laptop or someone’s phone for instance just to update his social media, that’s just not him. And most especially, losing his phone is definitely a no-no. He may lost his car keys or wallet but not his phone. That kid is legit scared at his father if he misses a call from him so losing his phone is not an option here.

She texted Nathan again to let him know her sentiments.

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

Nathan, i know you are still upset about last Tuesday and I have explained it to you many times but you won’t listen to me. And i’m trying to reached out to you but you don’t answer my calls nor my texts.

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

I got worried about you thinking you might have been in an accident or something since I haven’t heard nor even seen you at school today. Only to find out that you are there partying somewhere I don’t know.

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

I’m not mad about you partying. I don’t really mind when you party with Zach or whoever. What I’m mad about is that you can’t even tell me that you are fine at least. I know you are just ignoring my texts. You know, I am very very much worried about you. You could’ve at least sent a ‘K’ or a ‘fuck you’ so I know that you are okay.

To: Nathan

Fr: Max

AND FINE, Prescott. If you’re giving me the cold shoulder, I can give you one as well.

Max aggressively spammed the sent button. She get out of Nathan’s bed. Before going out of his room, Victoria had told Max what she already knew.

‘I fucking hate you, Prescott.’ She cursed under her breath. She left his room and stomped her way back to her dorm.

—————

Max had asked Victoria to help her pick up some books for their photography class presentation. So they went up to the library but Max didn’t expected to see Nathan with her. Not that she acknowledge his existence tho. He just boredly stood there like a statue.

Max was actually happy that he finally showed up but still refused to talk to him. Neither he is talking to her as well.

Victoria was busy looking for books, same with Max. Victoria was trying to reach a book from a higher shelf but it’s too high up. She asked Nathan to get it for her but before he even reaches it, Max was quicker to get a ladder and reach the higher shelf. She felt Nathan is shooting daggers from his glare but she didn’t care.

“I think this is enough.” Max told Victoria and walked pass on Nathan.

Victoria sensed some tension between the two but just ignored it and hoping it will be gone soon.

—————

The two kept up with their little game, Who ignore Whom better. And without a doubt, Max is winning. Nathan seems to be soon beaten at his own game.

Max was buying a drink on the vending machine when suddenly she saw Nathan on her peripheral vision visibly walking towards her direction.

“Caulfield.” He called but Max was stubborn enough to resist to respond. She wants Nathan to get a taste of his own medicine.

“Max! Are we seriously keep going to do this?!” There was frustration in his voice but Max doesn’t want to waver and continued to ignore him as if he doesn’t exist.

Nathan then snatched her drink from the vending machine to get her attention but Max was firm.

“Weird. I feel like the vendo is talking to me. And my drink is now gone. Sooo weird.” She sarcastically said. Nathan was about to say something but the class bell rang and Max immediately ran back to the room.

—————

It was lunch time and Max was sitting with Kate, Warren and others. She saw Nathan walking with Victoria and quickly looked away when she stretched her hands and pointed at Max making Nathan to look at her. Max pretended to not to see him and quietly ate her lunch.

Victoria noticed how Max and Nathan diverted their glances. It was obvious that they are still not okay and looks like not gonna be okay soon. She and Nathan sat on another table and just quietly ate their lunches as well. Victoria rolled her eyes and was thinking how awkward it will get on their next classes. She and Nathan are sitting beside each other while Max is just across them. She wonders how she will play cupid for her two stubborn friends.

—————

Their next class went well. But not for Victoria who was distressed by the two of them. Both of them were like releasing a cold and dark aura that Victoria felt all throughout the lecture. So immediately after the dismissal bell, she dragged Max and Nathan at her table and snapped at them.

“Okay, enough! You two should make up now! It’s really uncomfortable and unsettling being stuck in between lover’s quarrel. I don’t want that shit, okay?!”

“I’m sorry, Victoria. But do tell your friend that he started this.” Max retorted completely ignoring Nathan’s presence even though he’s right behind Victoria.

“Well, tell that bitch that if she didn’t hang out with her gay friend then none of this would happen!” Nathan replied.

“OKAY STOP!” Victoria had her one hand on her hips and one was shushing both of the bickering couple. “I had enough of this jealousy drama of you two! I was enjoying it at first but now it’s not fun anymore. So please fucking kiss and make up!” Victoria stormed out of the room leaving the two glaring at each other.

‘Fuck!’ Nathan cursed as Max left the room with Kate.

—————

Max was at Kate’s room checking up on her bunny. It’s livelier now and had started eating the food again. Kate offered her room to Max after hearing the fight earlier at the classroom. Max told her about why exactly they are fighting and Kate just chuckled and told Max that she had faith that the two of them will resolve it really soon. Initially, Kate wasn’t quite fond of Nathan before because of his intense demeanor. But he changed when he’s with Max. He’s still mean and screamy but otherwise he seems nicer and somehow relaxed. She finds them adorable as well. Kate was actually the first one to figure out that she and Nathan were a thing after she heard Nathan in Max’s room practicing his apology to Max. Ever since then she suspected the two but never really confronted Max about it. She was waiting for Max to tell it to her herself. She was understanding enough of them since the pair aren’t exactly what people expected would be. A mean guy and a nice, quiet girl. They tried to hide it at first but eventually learned to not care anymore and Blackwell students seemed to shake it off as well.

“I can’t believe why am I dating a guy like him, Kate.”

“It’s because you like him, Max. Love him.” Kate replied in almost a giggling way. Max looked at her and shook her head. For what Max knew, Kate is also one of the biggest shippers of them. She always tell them that they are growing themselves together. On how they make each other better.

“I just— he loves bickering all the time and—”

“That’s basically both your thing!” Kate interrupted. “Are you going to talk to him now?”

Max stood up from sitting on the floor. “I don’t know.” She replied to Kate.

Max said thanks to Kate for offering comfort then went back to her room. She opened her door and was about to lie down to her bed when he saw Nathan sleeping on it. 'Was he waiting for me?’ Max mentally asked herself.

She watched Nathan’s chest to slowly rise up and go down. He’s in deep slumber. A sleeping Nathan looked like as if he doesn’t choke people when he’s awake. She observed his light brown curly hair fall on his face. He looks really peaceful when he’s sleeping. She walked on her desk to get her camera and snap a photo of a sleeping Nathan. Her camera loudly clicked but fortunately it didn’t wake him up. She shook the photograph and stared at it. It looked like a rare pokemon sighting sleeping at peace, it was a great shot. It made her smile.

She went over her desk to do some homework and update her diary.

—————

After some hours, she heard noises behind her. She bet that Nathan’s now awake based on the sound of his groans. Still, Max didn’t looked at him and continued to work on her assignment.

“Max….” he quietly called. Max was still ignoring him.

“If you keep on doing this. I will keep on ignoring you too.” Nathan said in annoyance but Max didn’t budge.

“I said I’m ignoring you!” Nathan yelled but there is no response from Max.

“AAAGGHHHH!” Nathan rake his hand to his hair out of frustration but Max still didn’t bat an eye on him.

“Stop it!” Max held down her pen but still not looking at Nathan.

“Stop ignoring me 'ignoring you’!!” Nathan finally said causing Max to look at him. Max perked her head up to Nathan, whose leaning on his back while seating on her bed and his hair is at chaos. Max find it cute but she hold her giggle to herself. They have to do some ’talking’ first.

“I-I’m sorry.” Nathan said with his head down.

“Why did you ignore my texts?” Max asked.

“Because I wanted you to miss me! I-I was trying to make you jealous so I posted that photo so you know that I can have fun with others too… But i didn’t think enough that you’ll get worried when I don’t text you back. I’m sorry, Max.” Nathan explained. She was right, she just beaten him in his own game. Nathan is really childish despite his tough image which Max finds adorable to him.

“I-I just really don’t like you hanging out with Gayram.” Nathan was nibbling his hands together and shoot a glance at Max. Although, Max is glad on Nathan being unusually calm about this. Most of their fights sounded like who can scream louder but not today.

“Nate… I will seriously hang out more with Warren if you don’t stop him calling that name.” Nathan frowned for a bit and sighed on her reply.

“Okay, okay… Sorry. I just get so…” Is he going to say it? Is he going to admit it? Admitting what he feels is rare on Nathan’s case 'cause he never admits anything. Max remembered when Nathan can’t believed that he actually liked her. Victoria had to rub it on Nathan’s face before he even finally acknowledge it. Because he never thought it would be her. Maxine Caulfield who can make Nathan Prescott tolerable as he described.

“So ’what’, Nathan?” Max questioned. Although she knew what exactly he will say. She just wants him to admit it. Nathan rub his palms to his face and… “I’m jealous, okay?!” Max smiled and half of her can’t believe he actually said it.

“Nathan Prescott is jealous of Warren Graham huh. That’s a headline.” Max teased. Nathan groaned and grew annoyed of Max’s remark. He wants to protest but she isn’t wrong about it. He is indeed jealous of him.

“Apology accepted. And I’m sorry too for ignoring you ignoring me.” Max just can’t stop herself from teasing Nathan.

Nathan brushed his hair trying to fix it and saw Max grinning from ear to ear.

“What?!” Nathan’s back again with his natural self, the hot-headed self.

“You looked so cute. So fluffy.” Max chuckled. He hates being called 'fluffy’ but Max thinks that is just the best description of him. He looks tough outside but in reality, he’s a softie.

Nathan get out of the bed and went to Max. She stopped chuckling when Nathan placed his hand on her nape and lifted her chin, meeting his blue orbs. His rested his forehead on hers feeling the growing warmth between it. He looked at the tiny freckles on her face which he always admired. Max lifted her hand to reach for Nathan’s hand on her face. The pair refuse to blink and just let themselves be mesmerized on each other. They stared at one another’s eyes for a moment before Nathan dived in for a kiss. Their lips met and felt like they were both hungry for each other, longing, and passionate. Max briefly pulled away and whispered ’I miss you.’

“I know you do.” Nathan replied confidently. Max rolled her eyes and Nathan gave her a quick peck on the lips. “I miss you too.” They shared a kiss once again but this time it went more than that.

—————

“Max…”

“Hmm…?”

“Stop hanging out with Graham?” Nathan told in a semi-command and semi-plead tone.

“Not gonna happen. You know you can sit and hang out with us some time. I’m sure you and Warren will agree on Doctor Who. Both of you are nerds on it.” Max offered him. Although she knows it is not the best idea but he should try sometimes. It’s not like they’re going to gang up on him so they could take revenge on him bullying them before. Though, that could happened, she wondered.

“Fuck no! I don’t wanna join your loser’s club. And I’m not a nerd!”

“Said the man who always quotes something referenced to Doctor Who.” Max sarcastically retorted.

“Besides you’re dating a someone who belongs to the ’losers’ club you were saying.” She added.

“I-I mean… you’re not a loser, Max.” Max wasn’t offended by it because she knows he doesn’t mean it. She just like to tease him as always.

“It’s okay. I’ve been called worse.” She replied. Nathan looked at Max who is lying next beside him. Max saw his face and he’s squinting again. He’s mad.

“Wh-what?! Who the fuck called you something worse? What did they called you?! I’m gonna kicked that motherfucker’s ass.” Although, Nathan sometimes call Max names like 'bitch’, 'ass’, 'cockfield’, where Max counters it with 'dickbagtheasshole’, 'little shit, 'dumbass’. It’s kind of their endearment with each other. But Nathan doesn’t appreciate it when other people call her that. He become all over-protective all of a sudden and he always made sure that no one messes with him or Max.

Nathan waited for her response but Max was just grinning and said…

“Your 'girlfriend’.” She looked up at Nathan and leaned for a quick peck on his lips. Nathan raised his brows and knew that Max was teasing him so he would like to punish his little girl and gone all alpha mode with Max again.

- End -

Post note: I know I’m very very late but 2019 me still crave for Caulscott fanfics i don’t even know who still reads them other than me. This is inspired from one Caulscott fanfic I’ve read before, I don’t quite remember but it was a pretty well-written one. Ghaaad i suck at remembering things. I think I’ve read too many fanfics. This is like a fanfic of a fanfic. Nonetheless, I still want to share this with you. This is my first ever fanfic of Caulscott and first to be posted in Tumblr and I don’t fucking know how Tumblr works. I mean I’ve been a long time low-key reader here but I never really posted stuff on my blog so if someone can send help how this works, please rescue me from the technological ignorance. Anyway, I’m still a trash for Caulscott like I said and still figuring out if I will ever get out of this fandom but there’s no way out, I guess. 

Comments, re-blogs, and/or likes are highly appreciated (but not obliged) if you enjoyed this short fic. Sending love to all strong Caulscott shippers through this years. What a trash we are! Jk! 💖💖💖

[detginski]

Slow it down

Gavin Reed x reader x Human!RK900

My brain is fried but its been awhile. writing for self indulgence blease

The kids just wants a cuddle

It’s been a trying months. Gavin has been travelling for the past few months to settle his family business and hasn’t seen his spouses for awhile. The longest time he stayed at home with those two were 2 days and that’s not enough for him. Honestly speaking, he’d rather be doing graveyard shifts at the DPD than seeing his family. Gavin just wants to lie down and cuddle with his beloved spouses again. What more can a man ask? Just for a good ol’ cuddle and a little TLC. It’s been a really long few months and he’s finally back for good. Gavin settle back on his seat on the airplane finally on his way back home to the arms of his loved ones.

Nines has been thrown into silly little cases after silly little cases and he swears if another person comes up to him to report about missing cat, he’s gonna flip. He’s being forced to do missing person/animal case because of that one time he flipped at a police officer for being inefficient. It’s only 9 in the morning and he can feel a headache coming in when he sees Jason standing by his table with a file and an old lady. ‘Here we go again’, he thought to himself as he sips on his 3rd cup of coffee of the day. Nines turns to where your desk is from across the bullpen, buried deep in your paperwork and smiles a little because he still gets to see your face in this trying times. Nines comes up to his table and don’t even bother to smile to the old lady, he glances up to Jason and sighs, “Let me guess, her cat is missing?” Jason chuckles a little and pats him on the shoulder, giving a slight nod, “No.. It’s her husband.” Nines close his eyes for a bit and forced his most phony smile to the old lady that even Jason cringed visibly beside him, “How may I help you on this fine day?” Jason passed him the files and walks away, already in tears laughing at Nines. This is going to be a long day. But the good thing is Gavin is coming back tonight so Nines has something to look forward to.

Fowler thinks that you haven’t done any paperwork in awhile. You however, thinks otherwise. I mean, who has been doing your paperwork all this while? A ghost? You think to yourself in anger while doing said paperwork. Your pile of paperwork on your desk keeps piling up because Fowler thinks you need to edit your old paperwork to make it more easier to read. You have no idea what’s his definition of ‘easier to read’ so you did what you can but with anger in your heart. Don’t worry, you thought to yourself, Gavin is coming back tonight and you guys are gonna have a pleasant dinner and a good long cuddle after Gavin’s long absent. You eye Nines who’s talking to an old lady by his desk. You can see the strained look he’s keeping and you chuckle to yourself, at least he’s in the same but slightly different context of hell with you.

The long as hell day has come to its end and it’s time to go home. You finished your paperwork right on time and from all the sitting, you can feel a cramp coming up to bite you in the ass. You stood up and stretch, letting out a yawn only to have Nines put his hands on your mouth to play a tune. Both of you chuckle and you bump your shoulders against his in retaliation, “You’re playing the song of your people.” “No, that’s just me serenading you to come home with me.” Nines smiled widely and chuckles. “Oh no I can’t go home with you. I’m married.” You feign a worry look and held in a laughter “No one has to know.” With that you laughed out loud and slap him in the belly, “Oh man, how did I married you?” “I don’t know, how did you love in me on the first place.” “You were hot.” Nines puts his hands on his chest and looks offended, “Was? Hey! I’m still hot now.” You look at him from top to bottom and makes a face, “Good for you buddy.” “Hey!” Both of you laughed at that and pack up for the day.

The plane landed and Gavin feels so much better already. He needs a good ol’ bath and an hour long session of cuddling with his beloved. Gavin walks out of the door just to find you and Nines standing at the entrance with heart shaped balloon and a cardboard saying ‘Mr Angsty boy’ with a badly drawn heart. “Welcome back!” you said and Nines only smiles not wanting to look eager. “Hey we’re supposed to say it together!” “I never agreed on it” You and Nines bicker for awhile and Gavin smiled, walking a bit faster towards the two of you. “Hey hey! No fighting!” He said and hug the both of you. “I miss your asses so much. So anything happened while I was gone?” You and Nines took turns to tell him what happened and laughed when Nines told him about that one time Connor had mistaken a random person as you.

When you finally reached home, Gavin sighs out loud and loudly proclaim his love for your shared apartment. “Home sweet home!” “Okay now back to normal chores schedule.” Gavin’s joy was shot down at Nines’ comment and you laughed at his dejected look. “It’s only fair now that you’re back” Nines chuckle and you went to prepare a simple dinner for the three of you. From the kitchen, you could hear the both of them bickering and you really missed it. While you were assembling the lasagna, Nines and Gavin went into the kitchen just to bug you. “You know, I could stop making this delicious lasagna and let you two starve.” Gavin stopped his relentless teasing about you and pout, “So you don’t miss me teasing you?” You smiled at that and pop the lasagna in the oven before coming over and hugged him, “I miss my idiot.” Nines who’s nursing his wine at the side, smiled around the rim of the glass. “The idiot of the family is back. Don’t leave us for too long, between the two of us, we need an idiot to balance everything.” You’re the first one to laugh and followed by Nines’ chuckle, Gavin stood there dumbfounded and crosses his arms, “This idiot is the glue to the three of us so better respect the man of the house.” With that both yours and Nines’ laughter got louder.

The three of you ended up in a pile of arms and legs on the couch with wine in your system. You and Nines were laughing at Gavin’s story about how he nearly missed his flight due to an explosive diarrhea. “... and the old man just stared at me because I have a fucking piece of toilet paper stuck on my pants.” Gavin couldn’t help but laugh along the both of you and Nines after he finished his story. “I miss this.” Gavin muses and drank his wine. Nines pat his leg and leans back on the couch, “It’s been a long month.” “Yeah it has.”

“If home were a person, both of you are my home.”

Gavin and you stared at each other in silence for a minute then burst into laughter. “Oh you sappy shit.”

“And you said I’m the hopeless romantic on in the family.”

“This is why I sometimes regret I married both of you.”

“We love you too!”

[miss-anna-banana-blog]

I never thought I’ll be writing something like this, specifically the part of exposing myself in front of the people who follow me + the ones who don’t but still are checking up all the time. These pictures take me back to summer 2017. The worst year of my entire life. You couldn’t tell of course because I made sure no one wouldn’t be capable of noticing these kind of things. I posted positive, happy and silly things and I “became the best version of me” lmao. Now I can finally admit that was some huge ass bullshit and I’m mad no one said a thing. A few months before those photos were taken, I started to battle with my super toxic new old friend Anorexia, followed by her cousin Bulimia. I could remember having a goal: To be as skinny as possible. To look as good as I could ever look on a family trip to the beach (now that I think about it, it’s like, come on, it’s your family they don’t give a shit). Also, before that, I had my high school prom and you can guess what my new eating disorder did for me. Did you guessed? Yes, it made me bought a smaller freaking expensive dress! So that I could have a motivation to lost all the freaking weight I hated. I remember being asked by the lady in charge of the dress store “Don’t you want the L size? I think you could feel more comfortable” And my whole face started to burn. I felt awful. But I remained calm, laughed and said “I’m about to go on a diet. I’ll loose all this weight” and she ofc had to be this supportive “buy all my shit” kind of person. So she suggested me to get the S size. But around that time I was dumb, but like not that dumb after all because I knew that, there was no way in hell I could fit into that shit, even if I stopped eating for like a whole month. So I decided to get the M one. And yes, maybe M is kinda considered a fat girl size, but this dress was made of lace. fucking lace. Which means, it was tight and getting the M was sort of a big deal. That day I paid for my own dress (because my parents had no idea about my future plans) and went home all happy and excited because I finally had a goal to achieve: To fit in that dress, because I couldn’t afford to throw all my money away. So at this moment I’d like to state that I have a mild pill addiction (nothing serious, but sometimes they still appeal to me as candies or some shit) and it appeared around this time because this girl had an eye opening moment when she found out about...*drum rolls* LOSING WEIGHT PILLS. It was a whole thing. I was shocked. Like, I could lose weight by taking this lil pill? Everyone said “yes” forgetting that ofc It’s not that easy. So I started to take them daily, even surpassing the recommended dose. I began to let those pills solve my whole eating problems. I started dieting but sometimes I had these huge cravings (I could also say I’m kind of a compulsive eater?) anyways, I wanted to eat junk food, but I couldn’t do it. My whole brain was like “No honey” and then we started to have a battle and when I won that battle, I decided to choose the losing weight pills as my ally. So, in resume, I ate a lot of shit and then I’d let the pills do it’s job. And what job I’m talking about? Diarrhea LMFAO. I mean, I had to get used to be shitting my pants every single time because everything I ate ended up in the freaking toilet in a very gross way. The thing is, I learned to live with this awful thing. I made it look like something normal. But the truth is, it wasn’t normal and I could have gotten a serious disease by doing that. But as always, that wasn’t enough. And when I realized the pills process was kinda slow I decided to cut most of the foods I considered “bad”. I ate once a day, drank tons of water and detox tea; courtesy of my mom. Because, now that I realize all this stuff, I didn’t started all of this by myself. I let my mom help me develop it. She has always talked about losing weight methods, pills, creams, all the things that would help you lose weight, my mama knew. So I always had this fear of my mom targeting my fatness. I had the fear that she would be disappointed because of the weight I had after all the advice she gave to me and my sisters. I mean, she always had something to say about this losing weight thing, How could I be fat? She literally was giving me options to not be fat anymore. So to her, at first was kinda normal that I decided to go to sleep to avoid eating. I would literally had a small plastic bag with some granola for breakfast and water. Then I would eat tuna with lettuce and lemon and more water and then I’d have more tuna for dinner. And when I felt hungry as hell? I went to sleep. It helped me a lot to be a sick person at it’s fullest. But hey, I def started to lose weight. With all the things I cut and the pills I was this close to achieve my goal. I decided to join my mom on her gym routine and people there started to compliment me about how skinny I started to look. I was living the dream!! I started to push myself way harder on the gym (I also almost fainted like 2-3 times a week) but Hey, I needed to get toned! Being skinny wasn’t enough. So I started to realize I could get myself to look better. And guess who helped me achieve my skeleton look? My dearest friend, index finger. We had our first meeting one time at the bathroom. That time I didn’t thought I’d be capable of doing something like that. I was scared of the result. But somehow we managed to forget that rocky start and the first time I vomited I was like “woah so this is how it feels. My god, can’t believe I’ve missed this my whole life” and it was so easy. I didn’t even need to cut foods. I could eat whatever I wanted! And then It would be gone for good! And all I had to do was push my finger deep in my throat. So fucking easy. And that’s how I finally achieved my goal, by playing the girl from the exorcist movie in my bathroom every day after every meal. I should’ve been happy, but my ED said “nope” and I had a whole breakdown and missed my prom. I went trough a lot of changes, decided to cut and dye my hair and tried to become a whole new person while stile carrying my oldest two versions (The one before the ED, and the one who had the ED) and I felt like I became an actress in this movie called “how long could you keep it cool until you become crazy”. Around that time, I weighted like 43...42 kg. I was way under my weight. My legs were tiny and I loved them. I loved to feel my ribs, my hip bones. I loved to see how my clothes looked bigger on me. I even sent some of my clothes to be fixed so that they would be smaller and fit me and yet, they didn’t because I was too small now. And I loved it. No one said a thing. My family was like “Oh now you’re skinny? It must be from the gym” My mom was thrilled. She never said it, but I could tell by the way she looked at me when I asked her if she could send my clothes to her friend because they didn’t fit me anymore. She even started to buy me clothes on smaller sizes and we even joked about how now I would have to buy on the kid’s section because I was so small and I couldn’t be prouder. I took photos with the clothes that looked bigger on me. I had to have proof that I was tiny! I was having a moment. And people started to notice that I became tiny but never asked how I got to be ‘that’ tiny. So, they never asked. I never answered. Until now lol. So the family trip to the beach happened and there I ate all the things I couldn’t while achieving my goal, because what the hell I was already skinny, I could eat whatever I wanted. And I ate, and ate and yet, I looked good on the bikini photos. I MEAN, for the first time in years I bought a TWO PIECES swimsuit. I had a great time there, it felt like a culmination in my life. I took cute pictures in front of the beach house, my cousin complimented be about looking skinny and pretty and yeah, happy ever after. Back at home, the struggle wasn’t over. I started to eat normally again but always fearing about my weight. I was perfect. I couldn’t lose that. So it begins the journey of “eating and regretting and then vomiting and then regretting it and then sending everything to hell and eating once again” and that went on repeat ALL DAY. To summarize, this isn’t exactly a story with a happy ending. It got to a point where I realized “WTF DUDE. YOU’LL DIE FROM THIS” and I stopped doing all that shit. Even my parents noticed the whole thing before I could send it back to hell. Tbh I was kinda expecting them to be mad or anything but they were like “we could hear you vomiting” and that’s all. Um, so you heard? Uh, sorry? My mom was more worried about how the toilet looked after I threw up on it. She said the stains were awful. So, I’d like to say sorry to my mom for staining her toilet while dealing with all my shit. My bad mom. 

Now, I’d like to state that it’s been three years since that happened and my family and I still haven’t spoke about it. I had to seek help somewhere else. And you know, I’m not stating that my parents are the ones to blame. No, I was 17. I was totally aware of how awful having a ED was and yet I decided to participate. However, I totally believe they should have said something. I mean, it took a very short time for me to lose more than 30 kg and I slept all day. Wasn’t that weird for them? Maybe. But my parent’s weren’t exactly raised to be aware of people’s emotions. My parents were raised to be emotionless. They rarely show emotions and that’s something regular at home. So, if they ever felt worried they never expressed it because they didn’t knew how. And that’s normal, At least to me. 

Moving forward to 2020, I’m 21. I’m an ED survivor (hate the word but you know, I didn’t died so I guess I kinda survived?) and I’m still in recovery and def not fully healed. That’s why I said this didn’t exactly had a happy ending. Because when you have an ED you can’t just put it away and make it disappear from your life. Nope, it’s not that easy and if someone says it is. They’re big liars. People talk about how difficult is to recover and gain weight without having these awful thoughts but they never tell you how your relationship with food changes forever. Or maybe they do, but it’s very rare tbh. Now, 3 years after having an ED I can say I still have it in me. Every time I eat something, I can’t help to feel guilty. To have the urge to vomit everything or the amount of times I say in my head “You need to cut food again” I get a losing weight goal every month. And I have the same feelings and thoughts I used to have 3 years ago. I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t feel proud. I get the feeling I’m not having my best moment. And it sucks, you know? Because it’s tiring. Having your mind working 24/7 on the food you just ate and you could have replaced it with something healthier. And not being able to stop it. It also doesn’t help the fact that my mom is still obsessed with losing weight. She still has this habit of checking what I eat and making this “I don’t approve it” face. A month ago, I kinda had a relapse. I started to cut foods and then I was like “Hey, remember those pills? They still exist, you know?” But, I had no money. I couldn’t go outside to get them (bc quarantine, yikes) and I had no idea which ones would help me this time. So...I asked the expert; my mom. I’d like to state again I’m not blaming her. Anyways, I told her I felt fat and awful (she never said “you’re not fat” bc I have to admit, I am, at the moment) and asked her for her advice on losing weight stuff. She quickly recommended some popular diet pills she once listened a woman recommend in the radio. She even told me about a deal they had! Which included 3 bottles, all of them with 60 pills. Bro, I was in paradise at that moment. 180 pills plus having the opportunity to lose weight? WHAT A FUCKING DEAL My mom was thrilled, she even got the deal for herself (and both suffered from the same consequences, that my mom tried to cover up by saying that “it was the body’s reaction” and that we were detoxing our bodies” but I decided to cut that bullshit and stopped taking them bc I had awful results (and also, I wasn’t exactly losing weight which was the whole goal) 

Today, June 2nd. I reflected about this whole thing. I am proud I never went to the bottom and to the hospital. But I’m not proud on the fact that I still haven’t recovered. Not even a bit. I mean, yeah, now I have double thoughts before doing something my ED tells me to do, but I still have the urge of being skinny. I still compare my body and feel like that is the only thing I could offer. Most stories shared this day, are successful ones. Most have this cute ending with them still being skinny but now, reflecting on life and talking about healthy weight gain. But not all stories are like those ones. There’s people still struggling. Like me, I haven’t even recovered but yet, I’m sharing this shit. Because that’s the reality behind having a daughter, sister, friend, with an ED. 

We would never openly say “I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER” but it’s always in the little details. It’s in the way they read the menu and search for the healthy options and the calories, the way they express about their bodies, the way they constantly say how much they need to go to the gym. It’s in the way they look at food whenever you offer them, like if they could calculate how many days would it take for that food to get stuck in their body, specifically in the abdomen area. It’s there, but not many people gets to see it. It’s a matter of paying attention. And no, we do not want attention all the time, we do not want you to save us. It’s not about that. It’s about being aware that we are struggling and that we might need your support at least once. 

Personally, I do not want to be saved. I just want to cope with it. I want to be able to eat healthy without falling again into these crap. I want to be able to look back and say “I fucking did it”. If I’m totally honest, the thought of losing weight will always be here with me. I’ll always have this little voice telling me “You could be smaller, you know? “You could stop your dad from saying that you’d be perfect to play football again because you could tackle everyone with that body” “You could be as tiny as your sister” “You could show your ballet teacher that you do not look like a ball anymore” “You could make your mom proud because you have taken her advice” “You could fit in that shirt and those pants again” and the most important one “You could have it all” because sadly, in this world, skinny means successful. And while I still try to achieve being that successful, the ED thoughts won’t go away, not at all. And I’m being honest. Terribly honest. But at least, I’m not lying and saying I’ll do better. Because, I’ll be better, just not today and maybe not even in two years from now. But I’ll be one day. 

This story was shared to commemorate the World Eating Disorders Action Day (June 2nd) to spread awareness about what ED really mean and what they actually look like in real life. 

[queennicoleinboots]

Swamp Ass

A/N: Alternate Reality. Shit just happens.

It was yet another 80 degree-Fahrenheit day in Georgia. But 80 degrees is not 80 degrees in Georgia. It's really closer to 100 degrees when you factor in humidity and radiation from cell phone towers. I was sweating (and eating) like a pig.

My husband, Joebear, was growling because his butt was sweating. He hated having swamp ass. So he turned on the air conditioner. He also had a fan blowing in his face. The bear needed to be cool in order to not go bear shit on the world.

Speaking of bears, Colonel Mac, a gray bear, was riding over swamp land in his power wheelchair. His wheels were getting stuck in the swamp bog, so he kept having to ride one foot forward and two feet back. He was also grumbling about having a swamp ass because it was sweating in the chair. Clearly, he was having a fucked-up day.

Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing also had a terrible case of swamp ass. He was taking a huge shit on some documents he needed to get rid of because his shredder stopped working. His angry brown bear wife named Megara thought his swamp ass was being put to good use. She had swamp ass, too.

I also had swamp ass. I was sitting under a tree in the swamp and eating vegetable soup and chocolate. I was also waiting on my husband's meatloaf to finish cooking so I could eat that. It had swamp ass, too.

Paul the Goat was trying to mow the swamp with his lawn mower because he was sick of the bog. His lawn mower broke. He started bleating with a deep voice and beating the hell out of the lawn mower. Apparently, he would scratch his butt every now and then. He lacked air conditioner and hot water. He had a case of swamp ass, too.

Hollywood, his horse that joined the Secret American Society of Sexually Frustrated Goats literally a second ago, also just took a sloppy, green dump on the lawn mower. His leg was in severe pain and needed an X-ray specifically done by a sexually frustrated goat veterinarian. Hollywood also had swamp ass.

Joebear realized that he could smell the horse shit. He sniffed the air and asked, "Whoa! What the fuck is that bullshit smell?" He squinched his nose and looked around to see Paul the Goat peeing on the lawn mower to rinse the horse shit off of it. The smell of the piss and shit was being caught in the fan. "Oh my God I'm braindead!" Joebear turned off the fan and stuck his head in the computer screen. "Actually braindead." Joebear scratched his head. He laughed. "That's fucked up. That's very much fucked up. And sometimes I wonder why I'm fucked up."

I laughed at my husband and said, "I'm sorry, bae. I'm fucked up."

Colonel Mac ran into a tree when he was backing up. The tree was moist and left a wet streak on Colonel Mac's back. "What the fuck is wrong with this tree?!" he screamed as he went forward and looked behind him as he shook his fist at the tree. "DOES IT NEED A MASSAGE?!" Even the tree had swamp ass.

"Apparently," I said. "I need a forehead massage to deal with all of this swamp ass!" I started to massage my own forehead.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!! FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!" Joebear screamed at his computer. Apparently, it had swamp ass, too.

Colonel Mac tried to ride over to me before the damn wheelchair got caught on a fuckass tree root and sent him flying toward me. "HOLY SHIT!" he yelled in a strong Southern accent.

"All right. Time to get around this guy's dumb shit. Mother fucker!" Joebear growled as he referred to the tree with swamp ass and glared at his computer screen.

"I managed to get around the guy's dumb shit!" Colonel Mac screamed as his body ended up going through my forehead at Ludacris speed. He went physically through a tree before screaming as he landed right between Joebear and me. Then, Colonel Mac got up and started dancing a gig to the Chicken Dance song.

"Goddammit fucking horse!" Joebear screamed before Hollywood ran his bear ass over. The horse then kicked the shit out of the oven where the meatloaf was. "Ugh. Calm that shit down!" Joebear rolled over and growled.

Colonel Mac farted as he danced. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing farted as he ate a piece of a chicken. I farted as my ass was now foggy bottom.

The oven threw out the meatloaf and flew into Joebear's bear ass. "Just random kids! Why are they writing stories about my dinner going in my ass? Let's get rid of this dumb shit." On that note, Joebear took a shit. He also cussed out Black Desert Online and Magic the Gathering as he played them on his computer. He tried to play League of Legends, but he kept getting matches where he was 4 versus 5.

Colonel Mac also took this moment to take a shit to finish the dance. His ass was now a swamp. His shit literally consumed all of us. Now we were located in Swamp Ass Mac in Logantown, Georgia. This man hugged everyone as dudes do. No homo. No gay shit.

Skipjacks were swimming around in Mac's shit. Peter, my curly-haired jerk ex-client with green eyes, was sitting on a toilet that was on top of a shit wave that crashed near us.

Peter growled. "Dammit! Over a year later, and it happened again. Explosive diarrhea. Fuck me. I'm a zombie who has been radiated by nearby cell phone towers. OH AND I HAVE COVID-19!" he screamed as he remained on the toilet.

Joebear ate a piece of meatloaf before looking at him. "Dude, you're fucked up."

"Oh God. My long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate almost had Covid a month ago. You're the first asshole who has it this month," Colonel Mac said. "Something tells me you're a swamp asshole."

"WHO IS HE TO YOU?!" Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing sang randomly.

"Absolutely nobody," Colonel Mac said with a hearty laugh.

"What was the point of mentioning it then?" Megara asked as she threw her left hip to the side.

"The son'a bitch was a Democrat!" Colonel Mac said with a snort laugh.

"Really? I heard almost all Democrats had it," Peter said as he blinked.

"Yep. Only liberals have it," I said as I poked his right shoulder repeatedly.

"Oh fuck you, Xara!" Peter said as he rolled his eyes and poked me repeatedly. "Everything's political with you!"

Joebear ate a fish that was in Peter's shit wave. "What am I going to do about my balls?"

"I don't know, bae. You have swamp balls," I said.

"Swamp balls? What the fuck are those?" Joebear asked.

"They're like swamp ass. You have sweaty balls," I said.

Joebear stared at me with his bear brown eyes. "... Girl. You fucked up," he said.

Colonel Mac growled in agreement.

A random song from the 80s, "Hi! ho! Let's Go!" started playing in the swamp.

"Shut the. Fuck. Up. Shut the. Fuck. Up," Joebear sang along. "Let's stick our dicks in a blender and see what happens."

I laughed so hard I had a headache.

"Why not? I can't have sex when I have Covid. Might as well stick my dick in a blender and feed it to these fish," Peter said with a shrug.

The skipjacks immediately began to swirl around Peter while making goofy noises. They were hungry. And they had swamp ass.

"Fuck off. I was being facetious. And it's a fucking oven out here! It's almost as bad as when my old Ford Lincoln had no AC. Thank God that fucking car caught on fire," Peter spoke.

"That's nothing. I abuse my dick three times a day and have sex. And fuck that car indeed," Joebear said as he growled and started masturbating.

Paul the Goat bleated and had to excuse himself.

"There are too many penises and swamp asses in this story!" Colonel Mac shouted. "This is gay!"

Joebear growled loudly and realized that Colonel Mac was correct. "You're right, dude. I need sex!" Joebear screamed.

Everyone bleated except me. I was eating more vegetables. I needed to shower. I had swamp ass.

"Bae Whuhhh!!! Let me eat! Let me shower!" I shouted happily as I ate.

"Hurry up. I need to release seed. In fact, I need to eat, too. I am going to eat a sandwich!"

So Joebear took his sandwich and remaining piece of meatloaf and went in the woods to await me.

Colonel Mac tried to get out of this story, but he managed to tweak his right knee. "Oh fuck! I can't even get out of this sausage fest story! I'm fucked. Sigh!" he complained as his right leg was completely consumed by the swamp. It had swamp ass.

"Story of my life," Peter said with a giggle. "You would positively DIE if you knew half of the horrible shit I'VE gone through. Especially in the last three years. Holy Shit being around Xara is a curse!"

I giggled and ate the last bite of soup. Then, I walked over to fish out Colonel Mac's leg from swamp ass and patted his knee. "I'll give you the transcripts," I said to Colonel Mac as I poked the knee once.

"Feels good," Colonel Mac said. "Okay. Send the transcripts."

"Fuck you," Peter said as he folded his arms over his chest and glared at me with menacing green eyes.

"Haha. You're a dick, Peter," I said as I left the swamp.

Ted the Alligator then drained the swamp. Peter was going down a toilet while he remained on the toilet. Colonel Mac also was flushed down the toilet. Paul the Goat bleated, and Hollywood winnied as they were also flushed down Swamp Ass Mac's drain. Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing randomly sang in opera, "SWAMP ASS!!! MY ASS PASSES GAS" as the end credits to this story.

[dukeofriven]

Hussie, Hitler, And Boy I’m Tired

I said earlier that I didn’t want to put on my hip waders and muck about in the Homestuck tags. *pulls off hip waders* I went anyways. I went even though I was feeling pretty good because I had a nice dinner and got to watch the New Years Bake-Off special. I went anyways, and I did it for you, my eight followers who aren’t pornbots. It turns out the Homestuck fandom of Tumblr is as scary and hyperbolic as ever, and has taken one lousy bit of badly written crap and extrapolated that backwards into ‘Homestuck has always been a racist anti-semetic pile of garbage and everything about it is terrible and Andrew Hussie needs to die.” I’m not paraphrasing, by the way. Someone out there is chanting ‘die Andrew Hussie die,’ because he had the gall to... clumsily dunk on Hitler like a fifteen year old trying to impress his English teacher with edgy comedy? This new stuff is too dumb to be offensive, especially in an era with, y’know, Hitler-praising alt-right Neo Nazis actually being mainstream media figures.  Hey Tumblr fandom? Can you... mm not chill, chill’s not the word I’m looking for what is it... oh yes. Can y’all fuck off for once?

Tumblr doesn’t deserve to enjoy things because it doesn’t know how to enjoy things responsibly. It lurches from adoration to hatred without pause, and as a writer it gives me nothing but an anxiety. I cannot produce anything imperfect, I cannot ever write crap because if I do then all my work will be tainted by it forever. On Tumblr you are always judged by your worst effort, which is a fucking god-awful standard for large media franchises of any kind. You know who one of the greatest, most thoughtful, socially-driven authors of the twentieth century was? Terry Pratchett. You know what’s kind of sexist and lazy and awful? The Colour of Magic. You know what’s weirdly colonialist and smug and all-around shit? Snuff! Neither of those shitty books invalidate the forty other Discworld novels. The existence of Anchorman’s bloviating nothingness doesn’t erase Will Ferrel’s warm and desperately human performance in Stranger Than Fiction. The Forced Kiss Equal Romance kiss in Blade Runner doesn’t erase the rest of the movie piercing question on the nature of what it means to be human. And on and on and on. Andrew Hussie’s sneeze-shart dogshit history rewrite that was so embarrassingly bad it got pulled from the internet didn’t erase Rose/Kanaya, or gay Dave, or Joey Claire tap-dancing her little heart out to try and defeat a monster. And even if Andrew Hussie does a JK Rowling and produces nothing but ill-thought-out crap from here until the day we all die in the great Disney Final Merger of 2023, it still won’t invalidate the good moments that made you happy. I mean if Andrew Hussie toddles out of retirement onto a talk show in a bathrobe to discuss his new revelations on the Puppetgrandmasters of Scion who all have worryingly Semetic names, I’m not going to be so naive as to pretend that his earlier media can be consumed in some kind of vacuum, that the future cannot affect the past. but I am saying that the good that happened in it - the things that affected you in positive ways - are not ethereal. It mattered to you then, and that’s okay. Tumblr’s hyperbolic responses seem to be rooted in embarrassment and self-flagellation. People seem so terrified by the thought that anyone might associate them as a fan of something - gasp - linked to controversy that they... well, they say shit like “die andrew hussie die.” Hey dude. Hey. You need to redirect that anger, my friend. There’s actual Neo-Nazis in the streets. On the TV. In the US government. I guess what I’m trying to say is... Woof. Okay. You know, to give Andrew Hussie partial credit here, its nice to see someone actually write Adolf Hitler the way he really was - a pant-shitting constantly whiny toddler of a human being who endlessly threw tantrums and got to where he was largely on the strength of other people’s bad decisions. Remember kids: the biggest myth Neo-Nazis have ever perpetrated is that Germany under Hitler was well-run, well-organized, and anything other than a collection of squabbling dysfunctional fiefdoms run by party hacks propped up by a bureaucracy and military too bound by inertia, ego, and cultural racism to do anything to stop a lunatic from ripping their country to shreds. That whole ‘trains running on time’ thing? It’s nonsense. Go study the conduct of the war once Germany had exhausted all its pre-war stockpiled resources and ran out of useful shit to loot, once it had to start relying on its leadership for the things that make wars winnable - supplies, reinforcements, fuel, winter clothing. Watch the way from 1942 onwards Germany stumbled from one disaster to the next, as Hitler fired more and more generals and drew more and more authority to himself and his fellow party cronies. Hitler should not be feared as a man of competence or skill - he was a buffoon, a clown of a human being fuelled entirely by petty, vindictive spite and an unlimited capacity for cruelty. And before anyone goes ‘well if he was so objectively pathetic how the fuck did he take over Germany’ I direct you to google the last two years of American politics and the words ‘Donald Fucking Trump.’ [I recommend, on these war subjects particularly, Sir Antony Beevor’s bleak and sobering works, particularly Stalingrad, Berlin: The Downfall 1945, and Ardennes 1944: Hitler's Last Gamble.]  Sorry this... kind of got away from me somewhat, but I really hate it when people get mad that someone didn’t take Hitler seriously (and, to be strictly fair, this is not what everyone is mad about in regards to Andrew Hussie, either). You should never take Hitler seriously. Take hate seriously - take violent words, and calls for purity, take his ideas of superiority and racial preeminence and anti-semitism seriously as the evils, the horrors as they are. But the man himself? He literally stank - a combination of his halitosis, chronic flatulence, and was constant diarrhea. [I am not exaggerating] He was a sad pathetic clown, and Andrew Hussie chose to write him as such. He just... went too far. It happens. It’s not good writing. It’s fucking shit, to be honest. Boring shit. The Minions movie decided to have the Minions sit out the entirety of WWII by having them get stuck in a cave or some such. Honestly that’s a better option than what Andrew Hussie went with - and ‘be more like the Minions movie’ isn’t advice I give that often. You want to be disgruntled that an author wrote something this bafflingly tone deaf and tedious? Sure. I know I am. But to chant for his death? Are you fucking kidding me? Look! Look out your window at those marching Neo-Nazis trying to establish a white supremacist state? What the ever-loving fuck are you people doing in here getting ready to string-up a man whose crime was making Adolf Friggen Hitler too petty???????? Tumblr. Tumblr, for the love of god this has to stop. This ‘Ceasar’s wife must be above reproach’ shit has to stop - it’s killing fandom, it’s killing good media critique, it’s burying proportional fan response, and its just exhausting. Why can’t you ever just let something be lousy without it being literal death warrant? There’s real demons out there - I can see them out the window, and every time I turn on the TV. Maybe - just bloody maybe - not every single crime deserves the exact same level of disapprobation and punishment? Maybe we could read some content and say “boy that sure had some lousy implications and also was just really poorly written” and then... stop there? Wouldn’t that be nice, for a change? We could dislike something without feeling like it required activism on our part. We could say ‘this piece of media was shit, but it didn’t advocate for a white ethno-state, so I will continue to think of it only until the end of this sentence.’ I am not advocating for an end to media criticism for anything that isn’t openly hate speech (but if you think that I am I am going to assume you’re already so needlessly enraged about this whole matter that I’m a bit puzzled why you’ve bothered to read this far since its obvious we don’t agree on many fundamental issues.) What I am calling for is the end to death threats against people who don’t mean you harm. Because that’s lunacy. That’s beyond the pale, actually, that’s really disturbing and sickening and you should seriously reconsider your relationship with media. Because there are people out there who do want to hurt you. Their lives are fuelled by hate, their philosophies are driven by it, as are their politics. I assure you that when a time traveller steps through a portal trying to prevent the rise of ‘the great Trump War of 2020′ the inciting incident will not be ‘Andrew Hussie trivialized the holocaust by citing its origins as a grudge Adolf Hitler bore Albert Einstein over a rivalry in secret clown ninja school before being taken on as an agent of a baking-obsessed alien space witch and bumped into power by the Peters principle.’ Because just by writing that sentence I have already reaffirmed a very simple truth: this is way, way too stupid to give the slightest shit about. So let’s tell Andrew Hussie that his new work is... mmm.... kind of like a shit if a shit had a shit that was itself shat out by a shit and then vomited on by another shit who had eaten nothing but shit since Sunday. Let’s tel lhim “hey dude, your clownish work summoned the spectre of anti-semetism, and you can do better.” Frankly, I think that message was already sent, since in the two hours between me going to make and eat dinner and then coming back to my computer, the new material was discovered, read, disseminated, and removed. Two hours. Sure, maybe a bit of lag due to what does and does not hit my feed but come on - this all took place in an afternoon. It’s already down. Our voices were heard - we didn’t think this was very good, and apparently Whatpumpkin agrees enough that they didn’t mount a defence of it. Rather than take the next logical step, though - which seems to be calling for the death of Andrew Hussie and removing all of Homestuck from the internet and maybe nuking Toby Fox from orbit just to be extra-sure? - we could do... something else. Talk about the release date for Stranger Things, maybe. Track down some local Neo-Nazis and punch them. Read some Antony Beevor books and really educate ourselves on what a smelly fuck-up Hitler was so we can chant that at Neo Nazis at their next rally. Or you could watch the New Years Bake-Off special. It was pretty good.

[trashkweeen-blog]

Believe Me - Yolanda Hadid

Have you ever wanted to see pictures of a housewife’s shits? I mean, not Vicki Gunvalson’s, of course, as she does not shit. As a side note, I don’t understand why this isn’t talked about more. It’s literally my favourite thing that has ever happened on any RH episode since the beginning of time. Vicki Gunvalson does not shit. First of all, she thinks it’s gross. Second of all, her body just doesn’t do it. 

The fact that Vicki Gunvalson does not ever shit is the most incredible fact I have ever learned in my life, and honestly, I think about it like at least once a week. When Vicki Gunvalson dies, her body ought to be preserved, cross-sectioned, and displayed in science museums forever. The woman who just decided it was too messy to like, get rid of the calcifying waste inside her body???? Honestly, find me a better metaphor for how Vicki lives her life. 

Aaaaaaaanyways. You know who does shit? Yolanda Hadid. I know this as a full-colour, high resolution fact because Yolanda Hadid felt the need to take photos of her deformed shits in order to prove to the world that she has Lyme. 

This is what we have brought upon ourselves. Or, rather, this is the price we must all pay for the sheer blessing of Lisa Rinna’s existence. That bitch came in hot, found a first season storyline and fucking ran with it (which is why she’s still around and miss Eileen Davidson is not, thank you). Yes, in order to gain Mama Rinna, we had to all experience the Munchausen arc, and now we have to look at Yolanda Hadid’s shits. 

Yet somehow, in a book filled with diarrhea and ass worms (worms that lived in Yolanda’s ass, of course), the biggest piece of shit around was David Foster. 

Here is a (stool) sampling of Mr. Foster’s offences:

Required Yolanda, a beautiful nymph who made him dinner every day and packed curated outfits in labeled ziplocs for his every trip, to be financially independent throughout their marriage. Just trash. If I had a wife like Yolanda, bringing me goddamn picnic baskets of lunch at work, gifting me glossy books of her bangin’ nude bod, and making me fresh lemonade from her ORCHARD, I think I’d fucking share my excessive wealth with her. The list of garbage ass husbands who encourage their wives to do the show as an exit strategy is a guest list for the seventh circle of hell.

Refused to support Yolanda’s kids from her previous marriage (you may have heard of Gigi, Bella, and Anwar?). Such fucking barf. You have a $27m house and you’re gonna be such a scrooge that you can’t support your stepchildren??????? Absolute trash of the highest order. 

Got his balls in a knot when Yolanda removed her implants because they were like, idk...LEAKING INTO HER CHEST CAVITY?????

Ended his marriage ON THE PHONE like the way you break up with your grade seven boyfriend when summer comes cause you wanna be a ho at summer camp

Told Yolanda her SICK CARD was up. Because as we all know, marriage consists of counting the other person’s hardships, and tapping out at the designated threshold. 

Honestly, there are more, but I cannot talk about David Foster for another second, other than to say that as a citizen of British Columbia, I rebuke thee and hereby excommunicate your trash ass from our beautiful province you horrible shit monster. 

K. That’s done. Let’s talk about the ass worms. 

The whole crux of the book is that this poor woman felt compelled to prove to the world that she was sick. This is a legit problem. Women are so often misdiagnosed or placated when reporting pain and chronic symptoms to doctors. It’s a thing, and it’s awful. There are so many instances throughout this book where men tell Yolanda that she’s making herself sick by working too hard, or assume that Bella is lazy because chronic fatigue isn’t real. it’s garbage, and it sucks. 

Now, I get that neurological Lyme is like, a controversial diagnosis and whatever. But you know what:

What I do know is that this woman shit out a series of long worms, ass worms, worms from her ass. And I know this because she took pictures of them. So, like, yeah, she’s sick. I don’t think you can give yourself ass worms by “working too hard for your little woman body”. So, I believe you, Yolanda. 

THAT BEING SAID. These rich white women have GOT to stop promoting “alternative” treatments for serious illnesses. Rinna had a point in all the Munchausen mess, which was that Yolanda was trying every possible treatment under sun all at once. Overlapping antibiotic rounds with detox centres, sketch as hell blood oxidizing in questionable Mexican alleys. And like, whatever. If no one is taking you seriously, and all you can do is get colonics and stand in industrial freezers, then sure. What else have you got?

But you know what’s not cool? Referring everyone you fucking meet to the same Lyme doctor, who diagnoses literally every person alive with Lyme, and then sends them through a suite of expensive alternative treatments by the same doctors. This is a goddamn racket, and these doctors are making a killing off all these gullible patients who think getting their dental fillings removed is gonna cure them. A lot of this gets uncomfortably close to Jenny McCarthy, anti-vax territory.  

Please do not tell normal, middle class, suffering people that the answers lie in essential oils, illegal stem cell procedures, starving yourself with lemonade, and doing ayahuasca and mushrooms in Bali. This is bad advice. 

Overall, this book was gross as hell and I did not enjoy reading it. It made me sad that women’s pain is so diminished that books like this exist. It made me mad that David Foster exists. It honestly made me not want to be a millionaire if it turns people into the kind of lunatics who bottle and preserve their own bodily disgustingments for research because when you’re rich, people tell you that’s acceptable behaviour. If a poor person did that, she’d be on several TLC shows and none of them good. 

I truly hope that there is less diarrhea in the next book I read. Like, what an effort to get me to a point where looking at Simon Van Kempen in leather pants would be a reprieve. 

Quick Stats:

Pages: 312

Did it need to be that many pages?: NOOOOOOOOO so much diarrhea. 

Did it change my mind about the housewife?: Ugh. Like, not really? Who could ever dislike Yolanda?

Real-ass book rating: 📖📖/5 (It’s like, heartfelt and genuine, and kudos to Yolanda for writing through impaired brain functioning, and for being so candid, but it just kinda reads like a series of sad blog posts cobbled together with instagram screenshots.)

Junk food book rating: 💎💎/5 (like yeah, there’s some shade thrown at Kyle Richards, which I’m like, all about. But a good beach read has more shade than diarrhea.)

[vaidenblog-blog]

Chimichanga: a survival story

A group of college students ambitiously plan an outdoor adventure in a the college cafeteria.  They have their laptops out, and are studying for their winter finals.  Also, they are planning a seven day ski adventure through the Alaskan wilderness.  The trajectory would take them over mountains, valleys, and high plains.  This group of six involved two couples, and two other guys, one with an energetic golden retriever, with a cute red back pack.  One of the men in charge of the food bought several bulk packs of frozen chimichangas.  He thought they were delicious, and would be exceptionally so, while trekking in the wilderness.  He figured that would be good enough, and they'd stay frozen, because, the air temperature was below freezing.   After finals were over, and everyone had the right gear, they set off in a dreary January morning.  The morale was joyful, and boisturous, and everything was going like they had thought.  They passed one moose, but other than that was about all the animals they saw in the first day, other than birds.  Once the sun started to set they set up their tents, ate dinner, and went to sleep.  The frozen chimichangas, thawed over the fire, and went down ok.   On the third day, it was snowing, and they were traversing high mountain valleys, through knee deep powder. Their pace had gotten slower, and the morale, had quieted, a bit.  Their energy level was a little lower, except the dog's, Sparky.  Unfortunately with the rise in temperature the frozen chimichangas, had thawed a bit.  The adventurers were woozy, and they were having digestive issues.  One guy said to the guy that bought the food.   'ugh im not feeling good, I think I have diarrhea.  Do we have anythign other than chimichangas?' The guy that bought the food said, 'Sorry dude, this what we have until we get to the cars.' Hearing this news the morale of the group dropped.  Sparky continued joyfully bounding in the deep snow.  The men's name's were, Bill, Hans, Seth, and Gary.  The women were Marjorie, and Clara.  Gary was the guy who bought the food.  It began to rain, and they retired to their tents.  Bill and Seth, Gary and Marjorie, and Hans and Clara, each had a tent, making three tents.  Sparky was Seth's dog, so Sparky would go in their tent, if the weather was rough.   That night the whole group, had a rough night.  Their digestive systems were acting up, and they were wet from the rain, and their toilet paper was running low.   They came to the conclusion that the snow, and dried leaves on trees, were going to be their tp alternative.  This came to a reality when, everyone was knocking on each others tents to see the other person had tp.  It became apparent, they were going through it way too fast.   Day four It was drizzling, and snowing, and people were feeling pretty horrible.  The whole group felt sick.  If anything went wrong they could call with a satellite phone to be picked up by a helicopter, and their parents knew where they were because they had a spot beacon.  Though feeling queesy everyone was hungry, and the chimichangas, still sounded delicious.  They were thawed but went down easily, once heated up over a fire, that they managed to make.  quickly ppl dispersed, and had to have bowel movements.  once back at the fire, looking exhausted they decided they needed to address how they're feeling.  They were over half way to where they wanted to go, and in five miles, the rest of the trip would be mostly downhill.   'I feel like I'm going to throwup.' said Hans. No said anything.  Then Hans walked away.  The joking kind of stopped.  The two women, looked worried at each other.  The other guys, stared into the fire, quincing, in slight anguish.  'This is fun said Gary, belching, a long belch.'  'Fortunately we have more packs of chimichangas, so we won't go hungry.'  Hans came back, and seemed fine.  They sat around the fire talked, and ate their food.   That night the whole groups stomachs felt something fierce.  It was like there was a hurricane in their stomach.  The tp was gone.  The morning came and went.  Sparky was outside looking at the tents barking.  Hans looked over at Clara with one eye open, and saw green skinned person, looked up at the ceiling of the tent and thought 'oh God,' He crawled out, crapped out what was left of his body's nutrients.  He felt all of his life energy was robbed from him.  He laid in the snow exhausted.  Sparky ran up to him and like his face, and ran off throwing powdered snow over him.  Ten minutes later Hans moans of agony coming from Bill and Seth's tent.  Hans knocked on their tent.   'Oh my God how are doing?' he said, to no response.  He opened the door and saw them buried in their sleeping bags.  Seth poked his head up and said, 'we feel like shit.  We can't go anymore.'  Hans saw the same response from people in the other tent.  They were all violently ill.  The trip had gone from an exciting rugged adventure, to situation of survival.  Nobody could barely move, other than the dog.  All they had to eat were chimichangas, which to everyone's quiet knowledge were the cause of their current state.  They reserved using the satellite phone, because they knew was a last resort deal, that would be very costly.  They decided to stay where they were that day, and hopefully, after a day of rest, they would feel better.  That day turned into three days.  The next day a large windstorm came, blowing snow sideways at their tents.  Hans had the satellite phone, and debated using it then.  Clara said we would probably have no money if we did, so he listened, and figured they'd tough it out, though people were probably starting to worry about them.  Needless to say at that point they were all in a state of confusion, and panic.   The next morning Bill had to dig his way out of his tent.  He could see the top of the other tents.  Sparky, ran out of the tent too.  Bill yelled to the other tents to no response.  He decided he'd had enough, and knew they weren't going to make it to their destination.  Weak, and cold Bill walks to the with Gary, and Marjorie.  He hits the tent and yells 'hey!' He hears Gary moan.  'It snowed a lot Gary, we need to use the satellite phone and get a medivac.' 'Ok.' Gary says.   'Hans!' Bill yells towards the other tent.  He doesn't hear a response so he walks over to knock on it.  When he gets closer he see the tent had been ripped open and he was seeing a ripped piece above the snow.  Bill brushes snow away and it caves in and he sees, the tent is submerged.   'Oh God.' Bill says he starts digging, and reaches Clara frozen in her sleeping bag.  He feels her frosty skin and sees there's isn't a pulse.  He digs to find Hans and can't find him.  This whole time Bill is holding in his bowels, and pushing through the discomfort.  He sits and sinks in the waist deep snow behind him.  He begins to dig in the tent to find Hans' backpack with the satellite phone, and can't find it or Hans.  He walks back to Gary's tent and tells him what he found.   'I can't find the phone or Hans.' Bill says.  Gary's vision is blurry, and he can barely move.  He starts dozing off.  The tent smells like a sewer.  Bill sits back down.  'Oh, God.' He says.  'Where the fuck did Hans go?'  Bill looks around him and only sees fresh white snow, two feet more than the night before.  Seth comes out of the tent nauseous as well, and helps Bill look, for Hans, and his back pack.  They dig around his tent, and become exhausted.  They go to Gary's tent, and ask if he has more chimichangas.  It's all that they have left.  Marjorie doesn't make a peep the whole time, and Gary barely makes a sound.  Seth and Bill check on Marjorie, and see she's not breathing.  They try to alert Gary, but he's too weak to move, and drenched in his own feces.  Bill and Seth barely have enough energy to get back to their tent.  They crawl in.  and don't say a word.  The chimichangas from that night hit them extra hard.  Bill crawls out spilling bm fluid as he falls over in the snow.  Seth sees this happen, and passes out, with the tent door open.  Seth's frosty eyes open as Sparky licks his face.  'Sparky, I'm sorry pup.' he says, and goes to sleep.  Sparky eats the rest of the chimichangas, and makes a snow den.   Sparky is fine.  He fends for himself.  After a week, a search group comes upon Sparky and the situation.  Observing the scene, it appears, everyone got sick, and their faces, were missing, due to Sparky's starvation.  With this in mind they still accept Sparky, and lead him home.  The student's parents were notified of this tragic misfortune.  They wondered why they didn't move, and how they got sick.  The chimichanga wrappers had been blown away, and Sparky ate the rest of them.  It was considered a strange occurence of unknown virus.  Meanwhile these chimichangas continue to be sold in Costco to this day.   The End.