#the wife apparently cheated but obviously that does not mean he was allowed to murder her

[365days365movies]

May 1: The Prestige (2006) (Recap: Part Two)

Now, where were we? Oh, right!

Wolverine’s trying to take down Batman for killing his wife and ruining his life, but can’t do it, even with the help of Black Widow and Alfred Pennyworth. So, he goes to the United States to meet Gollum, who’s working for Nicola Tesla. 

That sound about right, Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers: Living the Dream?

Awesome! Thanks, man; thought you were underrated as Marius in Les Mis. Anyway, let’s get back to it! 

Part One is right here!

Recap (2/2)

We flash forward AGAIN to Borden in prison, who’s agreed to sell almost all of his tricks to the representative from before. However, he will only sell the last trick (the Transported Man), if Caldolw comes there himself, with his daughter (whom he agreed to keep out of the workhouses). Meanwhile, he plays a magic trick on a guard, in a fashion that’s genuinely funny and well-done.

The builder of the machine, who is once again friggin’ Nicola Tesla, appears to speak with Angier. Oh, and by the way, Nicola Tesla is FUCKING DAVID BOWIE OH MY GOD!! After showing him a lightbulb powered by bioelectricity, the two sit down for a meal. Tesla speaks on how his visionary status is less-than-appreciated at this point. Still, he offers to make the machine for Angier, but also asks if he’s considered the cost. And not just the monetary one.

While Tesla recommends against Angier’s passions, recognizing it as an obsession, he does agree to build it, recognizing that he will not stop these obsessions. From there, we flashback AGAIN and see Angier backstage, shortly after his failure (and Borden’s sabotage). Still angered at Borden’s new life and success, he goes to his show to observe a new trick he’s debuting, called “The Transported Man.” 

Consorting with Olivia, he gets a better disguise to look in on Borden’s act. And when he does...he sees the greatest trick he’s ever seen. Borden goes in through one door, then comes out of another. When he tells Cutter about the trick, Cutter insists that it’s a double. But both Olivia and Angier agree that it wasn’t a double, given that both had the missing fingers from Angier’s shooting attempt. Still, they don’t know HOW Borden does it. So, with Cutter’s advice, they find a double to sit in for Angier for their own version of the trick. This double is drunk and unemployed actor Gerald Root (Hugh Jackman), who is...kind of a dick. Still, the two do look alike (obviously).

With more pizzazz and showmanship than Borden displayed, Angier’s version of the Transported Man is a big success, and Angier is a success as a result. However, there’s a drawback; because he’s switching places with Root, he’s underneath the stage, rather than on top of it. Because of this, he can’t actually appreciate the applause of the audience first hand. Which means quite a lot to him for some reason. And so, he STILL needs to figure out how Borden’s act work. To do so, he asks Olivia (with whom he’s in a new relationship) to spy on Borden by pretending to defect to his side. Which angers Olivia, but she agrees.

Flash forward to Colorado, and to the first experiment of the machine that Tesla’s built. He believes that the machine should be able to transport a person or object from one place to another. They use Angier’s top hat for the demonstration, watching electricity arc around it, and...nothing happens. The hat’s still there. The experiment is a failure, but Tesla will keep at it (for Angier’s money, of course).

Back to the past, where it’s revealed that Olivia is...really fucking pissed at Angier, it turns out. See, she actually did LOVE him, and he cast her away like little more than hired help in order to succeed in his rivalry with Borden, basically telling her that she means little to him, as compared to the feud. So, she betrays Angier by telling Borden about Root. Borden tells Root that he holds power over Angier, convincing him to blackmail him. A drunken Root agrees, but this is also part of Borden’s plan.

See, Borden shows up at the show, and takes away a pad under the trap door through which Angier falls for the trick, causing him to hit the floor badly, and permanently hobbling him. Now under the stage, the asshole Borden takes Root’s place, and Angier’s spotlight, humiliating his rival to LITERALLY add insult to injury. Fuck Borden, he’s a dick.

An understandably enraged Angier goes to Olivia to find out, y’know...what the FUCK? But, after she angrily confronts her, she gives him Borden’s journal, which she’s pinched. However, the journal is written with a cipher in order to prevent any looky-loos from figuring out his secrets. To get the cipher’s key, Angier crosses YET ANOTHER line, and kidnaps Fallon, Borden’s stage engineer. Reluctantly, Borden gives Angier the key to the cipher: TESLA. That leads him to Tesla, and back to America, where Angier is from. But Cutter’s done; he’s not coming along this time. Angier’s obsession with Borden is just that: Angier’s obsession, not his. So, Angier’s on his own.

That night, with Olivia, Fallon, and his wife Sarah, Borden celebrates at dinner! However, Sarah’s not happy, AT ALL, it turns out. I haven’t mentioned this yet, but Borden’s relationship with Sarah is tumultuous as hell. As she describes it, some days he’s all into their marriage and their relationship, and he truly seems to love her. But some days...he isn’t. Some days, he’s into magic whole-heartedly, and into his secrets, which she HATES. This comes up at dinner, where it’s also fairly apparent that Borden is cheating on her with Olivia. YIKES.

As the marriage is falling apart, we go back to Colorado Springs, where Angier is once more reading Borden’s diary. He’s had it the whole time he’s been in Colorado, by the way, but we only now found out where he got it. As he reads it, he’s shocked to see that the diary is now...directly addressing him. Oh...fuck.

Turns out Olivia was REALLY FUCKING PISSED at Angier, and has COMPLETELY betrayed him for Borden, with whom she’s fallen in love. Yeah, fuck. Borden told her to give Angier the diary, knowing that it would send him back to his home country of America on a wild goose chase, as he actually NEVER went to Tesla for the key to his trick. Which means that Angier is there for absolutely no reason.

So, uh...Angier’s gonna punch a genius right now, because he’s now ALSO FUCKING PISSED (which pleases Borden greatly as he reads this in the diary). Convinced that Tesla was stealing his money for a fraudulent cause, he storms there immediately. The lab’s been burned out by Edison’s men, but Tesla and Alley are still there, and they actually don’t know why the experiment didn’t work. They give it one more shot, with Alley’s cat this time. And...

Nothin’. Just an electrified cat. Alive, but probably all static-y now. Anyway, Tesla apologizes, and a frustrated Angier leaves the facility, followed by the understandably freaked out cat. And the other cat is also freaked out. And...oh. OH.

Turns out - TURNS FUCKING OUT - that the machine isn’t a teleporter; it’s a cloning machine! YEAH! And as soon as the cloning is revealed...I figure the whole movie out. I mean it. I figured out the twist! Here, lemme try it on for size. First of all, Angier isn’t dead. His double from the experiment died, in order to frame Borden for his murder and ruin him. Secondly, the person who’s aiming to buy Borden’s trick? It’s him. He’s the “mysterious collector.” 100%, I goddamn guarantee it. Oh, and while we’re at it, I know who Fallon is! Fallon is Borden’s double, because Borden’s only performed the experiment successfully ONCE! When he did, he made a double of himself, and that double is the silent and mysterious Fallon, who seems to care for Borden’s daughter greatly. That’s it! I figured out the goddamn movie! BET. FUCKING BET

Well, I’ll find out soon, I’m sure. Tesla’s forced out of town the next day, but he’s left Angier the box, containing the cloning machine that would be his end. He tests it...but we don’t see whether or not it works. Hmm. Borden’s as interested as I am in this...and then reads on as the diary starts addressing HIM. FUCK. Angier did in fact frame Borden for his death. And with that knowledge...Borden’s done. Both because he’s been fooled, and because...well, that’s not all that’s happened to him recently.

Back in time again, and Sarah and Borden’s marriage is FALLING APART ENTIRELY. Sarah is done with Borden’s flip-flopping mentalities, realizing even now that he’s not currently in love with her. She’s not OK. And unfortunately...she hangs herself shortly afterwards. Yeah. It’s terrible, and Borden drove her FUCKING CRAZY. I DO NOT LIKE THIS ASSHOLE. Poor, poor Sarah. Sucks.

That’s led, of course, to their child being without a mother, which is why Borden agrees to allow the mysterious Lord Caldlow to look after her. And once he arrives at the prison to collect Borden’s final trick as agreed...yup.

Alive, well, and now ABSOLUTELY AN ASSHOLE TOO, Angier has taken on his ACTUAL identity: Robert Caldlow, British nobleman! Holy shit. HOLY SHIT I WAS RIGHT. Now realizing how...FUCKING CRAZY this whole thing is, Borden’s fucked. At the same time, Cutter is to deliver the Box to the estate. Although Caldlow tries to avoid the interaction, the interaction happens, and Cutter is also ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ENRAGED!!! A lot of anger in this movie.

Anyway, yeah! Angier was fucking dead! And now, Borden’s life is absolutely ruined for something that, to be fair, he didn’t actually do! But there’s a question...how the fuck is this possible? I mean, we know a lot of the details. but not everything. It is at this point, though, that we flashback to the night in question.

First things first, Olivia is tried of this bullshit. She’s leaving before it’s too late, because their obsessions with each other is too fucking much. With Angier about to debut a new trick, a new version of the “Transported Man”, Borden goes to the show night-after-night, despite the fact that his wife is dead, kinda because of him. But whatever, amirite? MAGIC RULES ALL

Borden attends the show multiple times, and night after night, Angier enters the machine, and his double appears above the audience seconds later, which astounds and amazes. Finally, Borden’s fed up, and he makes his way backstage to figure out what the FUCK is happening. And that’s when we get back to the beginning. The clone of Angier dies in the water tank, and Borden’s framed for the crime. And it worked.

Realizing now that he’s fucked, Borden in the modern day says his tearful goodbyes to the always silent Fallon, admitting his faults, and apologizing to him for what happened with Sarah? Huh. But a part of me wonders whether or not Borden can escape. I mean, he’s an escape artist and a magician, right?

No. Borden is brought to the gallows to be done. And when they ask if he has anything more to say...he does.

...Holy shit.

After this, we go back to Caldlow/Angier. He brings the machine to the theatre with the help of Cutter. There, he prepares to burn the theatre and the box, and a water tank also in the cellar. And then, he’s shot. Wait, wait, he’s fucking SHOT? By...oh. OHHHHHH.

Fallon. FALLON shoots Caldlow/Angier. But it’s not Fallon really. No, no. This is THE OTHER Alfred Borden, who’s been disguised as Fallon the whole time. But wait! There’s FUCKING MORE! As Angier/Caldlow dies (YES DIES), we learn the truth from both sides. Let’s start with Borden.

See, this entire time, through all the BULLSHIT that Angier went through to make this goddamn stupid fucking trick work...Cutter was right. THE ENTIRE TIME. But how did Borden to the Transported Man? Easy: he has a twin brother. HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN BROTHER!!! I was wrong! The real trick is that the brothers sacrificed their individuality in order to play the same person! This whole goddamn time! HOLY SHIT! That’s also why Sarah noted that Borden seemed like two people at once sometimes! In fact, one brother loved Sarah, and the other loved Olivia! Holy fucking SHIT! But what about the hands, you ask? Easy! To commit to the bit, the other brother CUT HIS FUCKING FINGERS OFF!!! WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK?!?

Now THAT is a fucking twist! And Angier’s equally as impressed. But OK...how did Angier do his trick? Simple; by killing his clones EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NIGHT WITH THE WATER TANK! Which is just SUPER FUCKED when you think about it! He’s killing himself every night, because when he steps in to the machine, he never knows if he’s the man in the water or on the stage! He’s literally drowning himself every night, in the same way that his wife died! And you know the REALLY FUCKED UP THING? 

HE ALREADY TRIED TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING EARLIER

Yeah! That’s from before, shortly after his wife died! And he did that every night, WAITING for the right moment to get his revenge on Borden to frame him for murder! ISN’T THAT ABSOLUTELY FUCKED?!? I LOVE IT!

So, yeah, that’s all well and good, but for the love of God, WHY? Angier got his revenge already with the better showmanship from his first revision of Borden’s trick, so why do it like this now? Well, Angier’s reply is that he did it to see the magic on people’s faces when they realized the trick in front of them. I mean...you’re fuckin’ CRAZY dude, but I respect your devotion to the craft?

Angier dies, and the lantern falls on the ground, causing everything to start burning. And as Borden walks away from this mess, we hear Caine’s narration come in again, and go back to that first scene with him and the little girl, whom we now know is Borden’s daughter. And luckily for her, her ACTUAL FATHER, the right Borden, is the one who’s still alive. He comes for her, with Cutter’s blessings, and his narration continues. And as it does, Borden in the fast, in the theatre, looks back at the scene around him. And he realizes what he’s looking at.

Every magic trick consists of 3 parts, or "acts." The first part is called "the Pledge." The magician shows you something ordinary. The second act is called "the Turn." The magician takes the ordinary something, and makes it into something extraordinary. But, you wouldn't clap yet, because making something disappear isn't enough... you have to bring it BACK. Now, you're looking for the secret. But you won't find it, because, of course, you're not really looking. You don't really want to work it out. You want to be... FOOLED.

That’s The Prestige, and uh...holy fucking SHIT. See you in the Review.

[runesrule]

A legend reborn: Guy Richie reimagines King Arthur (and should probably take a chill pill before directing any more movies)

It’s fairly well known that any film directed by Guy Richie should come with some kind of warning that encompasses overuse of shaky-cam, jump-shots, abrupt transitions and an all-around epileptic-fit inducing, cheerleader-on-speed style of film-making. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword, is no different in that regard. However, for a film which on the surface is everything I hate—it’s a cookie-cutter style Straight White Hollywood Wet Dream—I got totally, totally suckered in.

Here there be spoilers, kids. 

I can only partly blame it on my massive and enduring crush on Charlie Hunnam. There’s also the fact that they’ve actually managed to do something new with an ancient myth in a visually epic extravaganza, the awesome soundtrack and the ambiguous nature of character alignments. 

Charlie Hunnam’s King Arthur isn’t the clean-cut Lawful Good protagonist we’re used to seeing in this role. At best, this King Arthur is a True Neutral, at worst Chaotic Neutral. This is not a man who gives a flying rat’s arse about rules or any kind of heroic morality. His motivations are simple; look after me and mine, in that order, and the rest of the world can burn. When a wounded rebel chooses to hide in the brothel which Arthur lives, the dialogue seems to be leading to the obvious heroic choice for Arthur to aid the wounded, bleeding man. Instead, he turns him over to the villainous Sergeant Jackseye without a second thought. Even when Arthur finally chooses to join the fight against his uncle, the tyrannical King Vortigan, it’s not for any reasons of nobility or ‘the greater good’. It’s only after Vortigan’s men literally burn his entire life to the ground, forcing the people he cares about on the run that he darkly vows to kill slay the monster. When his offsider Back Lack points out that the rebels who remain of King Uther’s court are going to be happy to hear the prophesised king say such a thing, Arthur darkly replies: “I’m not doing this for them.” Any story with an interesting protagonist deserves a compelling antagonist. Luckily, Jude Law delivers. King Vortigan, brother of King Uther, a mage, advisor, husband and father, is one of those bad guys whose deeper motivations can be argued about again and again. There are those who will sympathise with his actions, those apologists who’ll claim that there is good in him, and those who’ll say that one tiny hint of actual humanity does not make a monster a man. He’s almost Darth Vader in his ambiguity of character. I mean, obviously he’s a power-starved egomaniac who straight up murders his own brother after siccing a crazed lunatic hopped up on dark magic after his kingdom, but… He displays empathy. He screams out in agonised grief after slaughtering both his wife and daughter in exchange for power from creepy lake-Ursula and her equally creepy daughters/sister-wives. How does one categorise a villain who lets jealousy and greed consume him to the point he’ll murder his own beloved family, and then mourn them with tears and a broken heart? In the wise words of Detective Jake Peralta:  ‘Cool motive, still murder’ However, the hint of a deep, vibrant conflict within him does add an interesting element to the theme of power and corruption that runs through-out the film. (Now there’s a sentence straight out of my Year 12 English essays) After pulling the sword from the stone and being captured, Arthur and Vortigem have a conversation about power in Arthur’s cell. Arthur denies ever having any power, “-or any desire to achieve it,” despite exuding dominance over lesser thugs throughout the entire introduction. On the streets of Londinium, Arthur is a medieval kingpin, leaving Vortigem to—quite rightly—wonder: “What kind of man would you have become had you inherited your father’s kingdom?...what gave you such drive?” The answer, of course, is that this hero has been forged in a crucible of broken knuckles and cheating death and scrounging for a living on the mean streets of post-Roman Londinium. This is the Han Solo to Darth Vader, and what that really means is the King Arthur who retrieves the sword from the stone in Guy Riche’s telling is a whole other animal to any mythos that we’re familiar with. A lot of the central figures of the Arthurian legend are missing in this retelling. There’s the vague idea that Merlin’s out in the world somewhere, perhaps in hiding from Vortigan. The monolithic figure of Mordred gets killed off in the first five minutes after playing into Vortigan’s plot to overthrow his brother, Uther. There’s no Guinevere, only a mysterious woman known only as the Mage, apparently sent by Merlin, who acts as both spiritual guide and shrink for King Arthur. Of course, there is a sword in a stone which must be retrieved by the true king of England—the Born King, in this case. The stone in which Arthur pulls Excalibur from is, in fact, his father’s magically petrified body which is a very cool, poetic representation of the he took up his father’s sword storyline. (Also, super disturbing when you really get to thinking about it. No wonder baby!Arthur repressed the hell out of that shit) There’s cameos from a couple of the Knights of the Round Table; notably Sir Bedivere, who doesn’t normally crack a mention in film adaptations. He’s played by Djimon Housou , our resident Token Black Dude. A Chinese Sir George and an ethically ambiguous Sir Tristan also get a place at the Round Table. Don’t get me wrong; there’s a lot wrong with this film. To start with, it doesn’t even come close to passing the Bechtel Test, the lowest possible bar you could set for female representation. It’s whiter than me after a summer in New Zealand and it plays fast and loose with history. (Seriously, this is a fantasy Dark Ages King Arthur shoved into a post-Roman occupation Britain and costumes that are aiming more to make Charlie Hunnam look good than historical accuracy.) Look, it’s a fantasy. We can suspend our disbelief for psychically-controlled war elephants and wish-granting squid-ladies, we can probably work with gangster Arthur raised in a brothel owning a pristine white jacket and being taught kung fu by a Chinese dude who doesn’t seem to have any other occupation. It’s also got David Beckham wearing scar make-up and a prosthetic nose, some seriously cool special effects, a banging soundtrack, and Charlie Hunnam. So, screw it. I’m allowed to have the occasional guilty pleasure, and this one is mine.

[trueishcolours]

American Gods: ARRRRRRRGHHHHH

This post comes with content warnings for sexual violence, child sexual abuse, misogyny and general violence.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I hate Neil Gaiman’s American Gods with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. Now I know that a lot of people really love this book and I’m sure it has much to recommend it, so this post definitely isn’t intended as shade at any fans. It’s just that I’m filled with salt and love to rant.

My central thesis is that American Gods contains a ton of gratuitous sexualisation of women without enough redeeming features to make me forgive it. I think I’d have found it a dull read no matter what, but the real sticking point is the women. And you know how a lot of stories don’t have that many characters? Or at least not many important ones? So in a story with say five detailed characters, there’s one woman and she gets fridged and you side-eye the author but you’re like, ‘maybe it was just a coincidence! Not every character has to be a woman and people do sometimes die! Perhaps all his other novels are full of feminist icons and it all evens out!’ But the gimmick of American Gods is that it has probably hundreds of characters who pop up for a scene and then disappear, so you can really get a representative sample of how Gaiman writes women.

So if you don’t want to plough through 635 pages of this, strap in for the highlights!

p.5 – we meet our first female character. She is the protagonist’s wife, and he imagines having sex with her. Reasonable.

p.14 – his wife is dead. Does it count as fridging if she gets back up later?

p.32 – a man has sex with a woman who turns out to be some kind of goddess. Her vagina swallows him up. Om nom nom.

p. 54 – a woman comes to the protagonist’s wife’s wake and spits on the corpse. Why does she do this? It could have been because she is a bigot and the dead wife is a member of a minority group. It could have been because they were colleagues and the dead wife ruined her career. It could have been because the dead wife put gum in her hair in third grade. But actually it’s because her husband was cheating on her with the protagonist’s wife. A reasonable reason in itself, but it’s all about context…

And then we find out that the protagonist’s wife died because the guy she was having an affair with crashed the car while she was giving him road head, and this is where I lost my shit for the first time. Of all the fucking male power fantasy bullshit. Road head. I’m starting to wonder if Gaiman realises that women can do things or have things happen to them for reasons that aren’t sexual.

Just. The woman is angry because sex. The wife is dead because sex. The wife is linked to the protagonist through sex. It’s getting boring and we’re only on page…

63 – where the hero watches a TV episode called ‘I want to be a prostitute,’ featuring ‘several would-be whores, mostly female.’ Gotta give him marks for the ‘mostly,’ I guess.

p. 64 – the protagonist dreams that he is walking through a hall of statues. One has her tits out; another has a ‘gash’ between her legs. Some male statues. No dicks.

p. 65 – the statues continue: ‘…their faces had an unfinished, hasty look to them, although their breasts and genitalia had been carved with elaborate care…’ Yo Gaiman I think you’re describing your female characters here!

p. 70 – dead!wife shows up. I must admit that she seems a decent character so far. Also there’ve been several service industry women who’ve appeared for like a line without getting sexualised, and it seems only fair that I mention them.

p. 71 – wait shit I take it back the God Odin is in bed with the ‘ratty’ ‘girl’ from the motel desk. She has small breasts, in case you were wondering.

p. 81 – ‘ “The best thing about the states we’re heading for is they have the kind of women I like…full breasts with the veins running through them like a good cheese.” ’

p. 82 – we meet some old lady goddesses. I am pleased that women get to be old in this story.

p. 97 – a midnight conversation with another Goddess. The hero is ‘uncomfortably aware’ that she isn’t wearing anything under her nightgown.

p. 99 – ‘Her nipples, every goose-bump on the areolae, were visible momentarily.’ Thank God, because I was getting worried she didn’t have any.

p. 105 – an 18th-century diarist reminisces about a buxom scullery maid who gets knocked up by the squire’s son. Got to admit her story is kind of cool overall.

p. 117 – ‘ “Liberty is a bitch that must be bedded on a mattress of corpses…that’s who they have in their New York harbour: a bitch, who liked to be fucked on the refuse from the tumbril. Hold your torch as high as you want to, m’dear, there’s still rats in your dress and cold jism dripping down your leg.’

p. 137 – the god Anansi reminisces about having ‘a big old high-titty woman’ to keep him company.

p. 139 – store mannequins with ‘sexless breasts.’ Not too sexless to be worth mentioning, apparently.

p. 151 – an old woman in a red sari shows up, but it turns out she’s got a goddess-form and it’s naked.

p. 163 – dead wife (Laura) shows up and kills a bunch of baddies and saves the hero and it’s actually kind of badass?

p. 165 – one of the baddies was in the middle of jerking off when she killed him. It’s not a sexist moment, it’s just a whyyyyyyyyyyy moment. More sexy/=more interesting.

p. 174 – totally relatable believable humanised cash register lady.

p. 178 – totally relatable believable humanised hitch-hiker.

p. 190 – a TV goddess has a reasonable, interesting conversation with the hero, and then, when she can’t persuade him to join her by other means, starts to unbutton her shirt while asking if he wants to see her tits. Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re back.

p. 193 – a little girl. Female children are also allowed to exist.

p. 204 – sex but with two men this time.

p. 213 – okay, so we had a lull there, but this is where I lose my shit for the second time because the protagonist enters a funeral home and a teenage girl is lying dead and naked on a slab and photos of her smiling and happy are stuck up around the place and the death God/coroner cuts her open and catalogues all her organs and eats bits of them and he’s supposed to be doing an ancient Egyptian embalming ritual but I don’t even care because I’m in full-on militant feminist get your hands off my sister and stop making a spectacle of women’s pain rage at this point. And of course she was murdered by her boyfriend who thought she was pregnant because nothing happens to women for reasons unrelated to sex. We learn, in detail, about all five of her stab wounds. No, Gaiman, this scene is not ‘respectful, not obscene,’ and your protagonist’s urge to give the girl some privacy is right. It could have been a man’s corpse on that slab, but it’s not. It’s a teenage girl’s. Surrounded by three living men.

p. 228 – another goddess appears to the protagonist and they have healing, life-giving sex. Some might call me churlish for complaining both about the vagina-nomming death-sex and about the soothing ecstatic life-sex. Maybe there’s no pleasing me. She has nipples, in case you were wondering. Hard nubs.

p. 252 – a character flirts with a waitress, who looks ‘scarcely old enough to have dropped out of high school.’ Look, you can put your misogyny in the mouth of a morally bankrupt character if you want, but in the end it’s just going to sound like misogyny. Especially if nobody refutes or punishes the character. I don’t care whether it’s the author saying it or just the character. I’m sick of hearing it. I’m tired.

p. 260 – the character succeeds in his seduction of the waitress. It is unclear why, since he is creepy and gross. Possibly magic? The hero is ‘uncomfortable’ and remarks that the waitress looks ‘barely legal.’ The other character says he doesn’t care. Apparently it is important for his godly magic that she is a virgin.

p. 267 – two fourteen-year-old girls get on a bus. The protagonist eavesdrops on their conversation. We learn that ‘one of them knew almost nothing about sex, but knew a lot about animals, while the other was not interested in animals, but thought she knew a great deal about human sexuality.’ A brilliant ruse! By mentioning that the girls are also talking about animals, Gaiman conceals the fact that he is absolutely slathering to write about them talking about sex. This is where I gave up.

This concludes my ethical quarrel with the book. My other issues are just a matter of taste, and your mileage may vary. Basically, there is not one single character who I give a fuck about. The hero starts out completely passive, which makes sense because he’s just come out of prison and lost is wife and is obviously traumatised as fuck. But three hundred pages later he’s still completely passive. I know that trauma doesn’t get better all in a minute, but it’s unclear whether Gaiman wants the reader to understand that the hero is in a bad, bad way, or just thinks that writing an apathetic lead character is edgy and cool. And all the other characters seem to be varying degrees of terrible, so there’s no reason for me to get invested in any of their problems.

But at least we know they all have nipples.