#the weak get weeded out when they can't cope with how it's actually about how the real evils are the systemic issues in our society

[clarasghosts]

to me, this episode was a perfect example of how evil works as a series. like yeah, sure, ben could worry about whether what he saw in the field was real, but why should he worry about that when he could just report on the issue that he knows is real?

maybe the demon pig was real and attacked him. maybe the jinn is real. but as the audience, we should be far more concerned with what ben finds concerning in this episode, so that becomes its overall narrative conclusion. we shouldn't worry about demon pigs, we should worry about farms feeding dead pigs back to their livestock just so they can increase their profits.

[nava-190]

March 13th 2020

Sober enough to not only understand physics, but also to know when you are done with many things. As I am taking day by day with me being sober, I realize new things. Things, I could of never imaged. For example, I realized that my situation and my experiences are not normal. Matter effect my experiences should never happen to anyone. I, as my mom and my uncle, drowned my self in addictions. From alcohol, to weed, to hallucigenics, I tried to forget the names that I now carry with me everywhere I go. I realized that people saying you need therapy as a joke is not a joke anymore.

I, a 5'5 man who weights 180 pounds that can deadlift 415lb, bench 275, and squad 365 for 8 is terrified of going to therapy. Matter effect, I was so scared to make my appointment that I had to asked someone else to make it for me. The only thing is now is in person instead of online.. And I am shaking by the thought of it. I have live with this things in my head for years. Sharing them in jokes, tears mix with alcohol, or simply when crying on the floor.

However, I know I have to go. Today in AA we talked about how alcohol and addictions are only a way to get out. There are just coping mechanisms for a bigger problem. A problem inside of us that we don't dare to share. A problem... That I am afraid to talk to. I have shared my experiences with a solid bunch. No one knowing the totality of my problems besides 1 or 2...

As the day of seeing my uncle and my mother again is approaching, my fears grow. I am scared. What if I relapse? What if I pushed more people away? What if I hurt more people? What if... And the list grows and grows as do my problems. I realized that I am a brown man in STEM that comes from a terrible past. A past that killed my friends, my teschers and my love ones. A past that drown me in alcohol and drugs. A past that has made my worst fear being the thought of others thinking I am weak. A past that needs to stay there.

I stooped wearing very small shirts because I remember Axel telling me. Stop that and instead grow your muscles. Now as he died last November being compressed by a semi truck, I wear a hoodie and work out every day to be as big as my hoodie. And the day I am as big as my hoodie, well I will get a new hoodie and will be as big as that one because my dear friend you were only 20 when you died.

Now, I think of the future. As a member of my recovery group got 15 years of prison and the guy who pushed me to do good in school is now completely drunk, I have nothing but hope. I know what is out there. I know that alcohol will make me forget who I am. I know it made me closer to my family as we all got drunk together.

But,

Someone left a sentence ingraved in my would "if you can't tell me when you are sober, I don't want to hear it". So, I will go to therapy even if I am scared. I will try to tell them what is actually wrong with me, and hopefully they will help because I know I can't do it alone anymore. The list is too long.. The names too heavy.. I decided to only keep 7 names.. However, there are so many I chosed no to remember because otherwise I wouldnt be here right now.

Buenas noches mi cielo

[hipboneregression]

tw:ed vent (numbers, behaviors)

these vent posts are becoming a daily thing and also very long, but i don't really care. no one reads them, they get buried in my other posts, and they are honestly helping me cope. that was the whole point of creating a tumblr again so here i am. triggering shit after the jump if you're interested.

somehow i lost 1.8lbs overnight, even after eating a poke bowl + cheese and fancy crackers for my OMAD last night (which i thought would bump my weight up due to carbs + sodium & the fact that i'm 6 days out from my period). i have less than 24 fasting hours left until brunch tomorrow, but am planning on drinking at the company xmas party this afternoon (oops lol). i'm still planning on dinner being some weed gummies + bone broth, but we'll see. i might cave. i hope i don't cave, but i might, especially if i get too drunk. the fact that i have both a brunch date, as well as a pizza+hockey game double-date tomorrow should be motivation enough.

the thing that's really getting my goat rn is the fact that i have lost so much more steadily this month as compared to last. literally the only two things that have changed are 1) my water intake and 2) my exercise.

i'm drinking more water than ever, which is honestly making me feel better throughout the day so that's a benefit in and of itself. water truly does move things along in the body and i am never looking back from that now lol.

but my exercise - i've really ramped down the intensity and actually haven't exercised at all this week as i've been sick. i was reading into how exercise might actually slow down or even hinder weight loss and now i'm sitting over here all surprised pikachu face about how much i was likely torturing myself when my ED first developed and during my last bad relapse. obviously it's a lot harder to work off everything you eat than to just not eat - but that was my preferred behavior and method of purging. it was a fucking compulsion. everything in my childhood and my past led me to believe that i was a fat fuck simply because i didn't work out and move enough. and the guilt i felt when i couldn't work out was so fucking overwhelming.

but the reality is that the intensity at which i was working out, coupled with the extreme caloric restriction, was making my body bonkers and driving my body into some sort of metabolic adaptation. during my last relapse, i was fucking fit for my size. i was 200lbs and could run a 10 minute mile and run 10ks like no problem, but i couldn't fucking drop the excess weight no matter how much i fucking exercised. i was working out too much to really drop my calories too fucking low, so i felt stuck, especially because the exercise at that time still felt like such a fucking compulsion. the scale would sky rocket up and down 5lbs in a day without reason. i felt weak. i had fainting spells. i felt sick. i got overuse and overtraining injuries left and right. i felt guilty more often than not even though i was eating clean and all that. plus i was so much more fucking hungry. it's easier to cope with hunger when i'm not doing HIIT or running for an hour every god damn day.

truly loling at myself "curing" my exercise addiction with OMAD fasting. i'm now convinced (in probably still my ED honeymoon) that this is the way and i've been a fool all along. i don't need to do shit for exercise more than 20 minutes a day, if that. the important thing is the portion control. i really wish i could fucking figure out a way to portion control that isn't so black and white, but i can't. fasting is addictive and it's easy. it's so fun when you're at a high weight like me and you can just fucking drop almost 2lbs overnight like it was god damn nothing. the hell will come later. i know it's coming, but i'm trying to enjoy this in whatever perverse way i can, for now.

xxx