#the way they always play pretend :) tattoo parlor owners in main verse :') ernos spa resort here :) lil babies never grew up

[erineverly]

“yeah, we did… and it’s all my fault,” the curly-haired brunette admits, chewing nervously on the inside of her bottom lip until a metallic taste fills her mouth. she’s learned that physical pain is a great distraction from the emotional kind and welcomes it with open arms. she swallows thickly, the tip of her tongue pressing against the raw wound on her lip, her mind gaining some clarity as her nerve endings continue to tingle uncomfortably. “i pushed you away because i felt like no one, not even you or maybe especially not you, could understand what i’d been going through.” despite his best attempts to be there for her and comfort her, she still felt so alone and actually wanted to be left all alone. she wanted to crawl under a rock or deep into some dark hole, where no one would ever find her and just die there. she didn’t want him to see her like that and had to cut him off. but there’s also another, different reason for her behavior, one that she struggles to voice for a long time. “and i blamed you for what happened, that’s why we became strangers,” she says quietly, keeping her voice just above a whisper out of embarrassment but also because she’s afraid of hurting him more than she already has. all she wants to do is own up to her mistakes and apologize, explain herself. “it was easier than admitting i was to blame… i thought painting you as the bad guy and leaving would take the pain away, that it would help me feel less hollow and dead inside.” but it didn’t. the opposite happened — she felt even more guilty, even more empty without him by her side. 

“i feel like that’s my fault, too. that you keep trying to… kill yourself,” she adds weakly, nuzzling her cheek against his head as her hands continue to rub his back. she should have gotten them both help years ago, back when their problems first became serious, when he overdosed in her pink bedroom next to all her teddy bears, but instead she kept going, playing victim and being way too hard on him, ignoring his mental health and her own issues. “instead of taking care of you and helping you be a better man, showing you what an amazing person you really are, i was always so inconsiderate and selfish. i’m so sorry, axl. i’m sorry. none of this is your fault, i don’t blame you and i’m sorry that all those bad things just keep happening to us,” she murmurs, feeling like no words will ever be enough to make up for all the damage that she’s done. “yeah? really? that’s good. that’s great.” smiling softly as she carefully pulls back just to take a quick glance at him, she can’t believe that her words have somehow managed to get through to him but it feels like a small victory. some of the weight that’s been resting on her shoulders for weeks gets lifted off, and it almost feels like she can breathe a little bit better now. “we’re leaving that behind us and growing, that’s what we’re doing,” she says, leaning in and kissing his tear-stained cheek, the wound on her lip stinging as it comes in contact with the salty droplets. 

watching as his tired eyes fill with an ounce of something pure and positive — a will to live? some semblance of happiness?  — she can’t help but smile right back at him. it’s the most beautiful thing that she’s ever witnessed, watching him slip away from death’s cold grip and come back to her. she cups his face with both of her hands and presses her lips to his forehead before hugging him again, her arms coiling around his neck. “you know, this is very inappropriate of me, but… i never thought i’d hear you apologize about getting me wet.” she’d give anything just to hear him chuckle again and that’s why she doesn’t refrain from voicing this particular thought. she hopes to make him feel better by making him laugh again. “but with all seriousness, it’s nothing. don’t worry about it. i think i got snot in your hair so we’re even.” for a brief moment, she almost feels like her old self again, like she’s once more that sassy, witty girl that he fell in love with all those years ago. “it won’t be easy, but it’s worth giving another try.”

but then he brings up the idea of them starting a family and her stomach begins to churn. suddenly, she feels like she’s drowning, suffocating. she clings to him like he’s a life raft as her eyes fill with tears once more and her airways continue to close in on her. she knows just how important having a baby is to him, it’s just as important to her, but she doesn’t think either of them would survive another loss. besides, she’s far from done grieving the first one. “yeah, later… yeah. when we have everything figured out, okay? when we’re feeling better. we’ll try again then, alright?” she asks, still clinging to him and refusing to pull back to avoid eye contact. she’s not lying, not really. she still wants to have a family with him, wants to fill this house with babies, but at the same time she can’t promise him that she’ll be ready to do it sometime soon. “i want to have a family with you, axl. i really do. i want to have a bunch of babies with you and a station wagon, too, just what we always dreamed of, but — but what if it doesn’t work out? what if it happens again? and again? and again? what then?” she’s heard of women who have had three or more miscarriages, who go through one IVF cycle after another, and she admires their determination but knows she wouldn’t be able to handle that. would he leave her then? would they adopt? would they just keep trying for years and years? 

“mhm,” she hums softly, nodding her head and turning her hand over so that she can hold his. fingers slipping between the spaces of his own, squeezing as she relishes in the feeling of having his palm pressed against hers again. she thought she’d never get to experience anything like it. “i will. i definitely will,” she assures him, smiling shyly as she inches closer just so that she can rub their noses together. once they’re back in bed, holding each other, she’ll reach for the ring and put it back on his finger. maybe they could even have a little private ceremony, with some heartfelt vows whispered into the night. “hey, that’s not why i suggested you take a bath, but… yeah, okay, we can always just pretend there’s a dead raccoon somewhere in this room,” she plays along, chuckling softly at his comment. she doesn’t want to make him feel bad and so she plants another kiss on his cheek, all while affectionately tucking his hair behind his ear. “yeah, it’s not the most cheerful of rooms… do you think we should keep it all up? or take some of it down?” she thinks out loud, her own gaze following his and quickly looking away when it stumbles upon the empty crib. her heart shattering all over again and she sinks her teeth in the raw flesh on her lip but to no avail, the pain lingers. “oh, everyone feels much better after they’ve visited erin’s spa & wellness resort. we offer the best massages and facials, and we even have a qualified hair stylist on our team. come with me and i’ll show you what she can do,” she says in an attempt to cheer both of them up, divert their thoughts away from what they’d just been looking at. she lets go of him and scrambles up to her feet before reaching out for him again, both of her hands extended in a silent invitation. a small smile dancing on her lips. she’s afraid to let him go, to lose him out of sight even for a second. 

"that's what i was thinking but suddenly we did become strangers." and that's what fucked him up. she left him alone to dwell on the loss of their child while he was at least trying to be there for her and she was shutting him out, that hurt worse than her yelling any words at him. he prefers her screaming at him rather than going mute. but...he also knows what his chaos brings. like a pleasant day in the summer time brewing up an ugly storm so unexpectedly, bringing wrath to the land with a spinning violent tornado unhinging out of nowhere. part of him can't blame her for leaving that constant storm he brought under their roof. but another selfish part of him hates to live without her. his heart silently weeps harder when her lips brush against him and her loving arms bring him warmth, seeping into the dark and cold crevices of his heart and making him feel the closest thing to being pure.

"i get it now..." he reassures, seeing it more plainly now and understanding better. "i'd run from me too." there's proof of that in the way he was grabbing for a gun to end his life and escape himself. he should feel better at her saying she's retracting what she said before, but can't help but feel guilt she's going to regret it. "okay, erin." voice agrees with a quiver, learning how to do just that once he's sat up. eyes staring down in thought, hearing everything she's saying then coming to an agreement with himself that she has a point and it steers him in a direction he wouldn't found himself without her guidance. "yeah...that's true. you're right." he gently nods, there's no growing if he doesn't forgive himself. she's completely right.

a soft smile lifts on his face, even reaching his tired eyes when she says hi there. it's just cute of her, how she does it. then he feels like a little child, getting consoled and taken care of if he had a mother that resembled an ounce of her sympathy as eyes gently close and he lets her clean it off his face. "i'm sorry if i got your shorts wet." he apologizes for that then likes what she's saying but is it true? "are you sure it's really that easy? it sounds too good to be true." which is why he's scared of it. then another worry circles inside his head, erin's not even speaking about the baby and has feelings of dread that is the part of being too good to be true. she doesn't mention it because she doesn't want to, he assumes. "we'll work on it and try our marriage again? and... what about havin' a family part? will we still work on that later?" he hesitantly questions but has to know. "you still have your ring?" saying in surprise when he sees it and feels his fingers brush over the diamond on her hand, his heart fluttering at the sight of it. "oh, i thought you would've gotten rid of that. i placed mine in that marriage book, but you can get it and slide it back on if we're really staying married." because he's still so skeptical about it. "i must smell, huh?" he lightly jokes, trying to despite his voice sounding so depressed. "yeah... i guess i better crawl my way out of here..." especially when his eyes wander over the crib and he doesn't want to see it anymore. "and i do think a bath would be nice. it might help make me feel less dirty for sure." he adds, looking down at his lap and sighing as he rubs his forehead before pushing his dirty strands of hair back from his face.