#the trauma this show caused me... 2016 me can finally rest easy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mikecardenmpreg · 7 years ago

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recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on.

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism)

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want.

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

#suicide mention #long post #very long and personal post

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pinksweatergettingbetter · 7 years ago

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warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

Okay folks. this is it. part 1 of the final chapter

here we go.

trial day 2?? oh yeah i forgot they split this game up in the worst, uneven way possible

wow that cutscene was

something alright

wow datz actually managed to hold onto the snow globe. kudos?

what the fuck

i think i heard it wrong but Dhurke’s objection sounds like an old man

I'm pretty sure i heard it wrong

missed the bass

who was that no– oh Garananana

i guess she's gonna be the final boss instead huh

im so tired i cant even snark properly

“is that kosher?”

i like it

oh god

what.... what is she wearing

i mean

fuckin

TALK about madonna-whore complex. oh yeah, time to turn super evil?? bear your midriff! show off dem tiddies!

look, SOJ. theres only one bad bitch in ace attorney who can pull off floaty tendril hair, and its NOT ga’ran.

i cant believe i have to look at this train wreck for the rest of the trial

“heh heh heh. its all coming back now. the feel of my blood pumping through my veins”

this is perhaps because youre actually moving now, your eminence.

can we just dispense with the trial and have a good old fashioned anime fight? cmon apollo, spike up that hair and grab your BFS.

“meep”

WHATS WITH THE MEEPING

BONNY DID THAT TOO

SOJ ITS 2016 ...ACTUALLY ITS 2028 YOU HOLES

everyone in the court: :O what??? whats wrong with rayfa??? why is she sad???

oh i dunno maybe because her fucking Father just got brutally murdered?? maybe??

what the fuck is up with SOJ characters being dumb as a bag of bricks when it comes to other peoples’ feelings regarding death of loved ones???

phoenix: shits fucked, thats why?? apollo: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

“seems like she's worse off today than she was yesterday”

hey game you'd better not be implying any shit

“discipline”

soj

alright, back after another longass break. i can do this.

( That’s oddly compassionate of him, all things considered )

I was about to defend Nahyuta because what kind of person wouldn’t try to spare a child from witnessing that kind of trauma... but then again, this is the Sadmad who purposefully tried to trigger someone into losing a trial so

(shrug emoji)

grana’s gone into full HORHORHOR BITCH MODE

partially I'm totally numb because i dont have any stakes in her newfound ebilness, and partially I'm tired of this weird new trend of child abuse in the new games

“Barbed head.”

oh my god

the first person she goes to after realizing that her caretaker is gone is fucking Phoenix

im gonna cry

“ive been reduced to “royal robe remover”” NO NICK YOU’VE BEEN UPGRADED TO DAD BY SOMEONE WHO’S NOT YOU

( ‘It’s like she’s grooming Mr. Wright to be Nayna’s replacement’)

I know this game is all about confusing bullshit for heartwarming moments and vice versa but guys

good lord

my heart

i really needed that

(sigh) they really couldn’t get someone who sounded like a fucking 14 year old to do her voice?? really???

rayfa: (looks like she's going to die and collapses)

apollo: this is not good...

gee apollo you really think so?

wait a fuking second

we went through the whole dance cutscene and we’re not even going to see the pool??? does that mean the priestess has to be conscious and present for the images to be visible? ...and how does that work, anyway?

i just realized, a medium could use a pool to see the dead, but how the hell could they project it for others to see?? does she literally open a portal to hell???

(sigh) i just regret sitting through that cutscene again

“cabal of traitorous lawyers”

i love that

(Seriously Dhurke? This is no laughing matter.)

this basically sums up Dhurke’s entire personality

...yknow, i know what they were trying to do with his character– i really do. i know he’s supposed to come off as a dashing, cavalier rebel who laughs in the face of danger.

but they overshot endearingly irreverent and ploughed straight into fuckwaddome. if you want a character to be charming, they need softer moments too. Dhurke isn’t a bad person, but he’s kind of an asshole when you get right down to it, and nothing so far is proving otherwise.

ok ive heard Dhurke’s Objection again and it doesn't sound like an old man– it just sounds about as overblown and ridiculous as Manfred von Karma’s (not to mention about as deep)

LET DHURKE SAY BITCH

... i guess

another perfect example of Dhurke being kind of a fuckwad: he keeps needling the queen and baiting her in ways that could get himself killed, which would be all fine and dandy if he were the brave resistance leader being tortured for information in the bowels of a dungeon.

...but here’s the thing.

IF YOU DIE, DHURKE, APOLLO AND PHOENIX DIE TOO. DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE GODDAMN DC ACT? ITS NOT JUST YOUR DEAD ASS ON THE LINE HERE SO SHUT YOUR SASSY TRAP AND THINK ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN YOUR *AMAZING WIT* FOR ONCE.

you’ve got 2 extra lives on the line here.

...3 if my suspicions are correct.

stop calling him son please you abandoned him in an orphanage and didnt contact him for 14 years.

...and if he can’t call you ‘dad’ you have no right to call him ‘son’

coming back to this after ghost trick has convinced me that one of ga’ran’s lackeys miiiiiight be related to Cabanela, baby

“Wright... I can see we are kindred spirits, you and I! Hah-ha ha ha ha ha!!”

FUCK YOU DHURKE

“It’s pretty easy to spot the difference between a soulless man and the soulless shell of a man”

ok that did get a laugh out of me, good job dhurke.

apollo: pls dont get us killed dhurke: mmmm ok ill try but I'm not promising anything lol

://///

“But remember, son, if you truly believe in me, you should be able to prove my innocence.”

do i even have to list how many reasons thats wrong and a shitty thing to say

“Such Insolence”

You’ve been beat out, Not So Fast

Ga’ran used Gust!

Apollo flinched and couldn’t move!

“I could behead you at any time”

she's got a point; she’s a fucking despot, there’s no reason to actually hold a trial. i mean i guess she wants to shut up the rebels but just killing them would be a lot easier and its not like she has any qualms about murder

“Aw shoot, ya got me.”

again, not an appropriate reaction for whats going on buddy

lol get fucked kjudge

DGFUFUS OH COOL

WE GOT GUILTY (excited cheers from the audience)

the applause and the shots of everyone with :O faces is making me feel like i just won a gameshow

wheres my cheesy jingle

also i love how Dhurke’s like “oh shit!! my assholishness has directly resulted in my son’s death!!! did NOT see that coming!!!!!!!!!”

again the sound mixing is drowning out the background music (sigh)

“your benevolence? I’d be happy to lend an ear if you’d like to talk!”

>this is it, this is why he leaves the series guys. Apollo is too good for these sinful games.

DAMNIT DHURKE, YOUR SHIT MOUTH IS RUBBING OFF ON YOUR SON

hmm

we’ve got an april may here

“Rayfa, I shall buy you a new servant”

so Kooraheen practices slavery..? I mean, she.... she said ‘buy’, not hire.

“she would have left shoeprints”

do you know what evaporation is your malevolence

wait wait wait

that doesn't make any sense

the only prints leading out are from Inga, but the prints inside the building are from Nayna? how did she avoid leaving prints leading inside, then?? did she just long-jump over the dirt path???

the guards are not fanboying, apollo, they’re toadying. there’s a difference.

apollo: maybe the place he was stabbed and the place he died were different

(the game only continues after you carefully explain what dying of blood loss is three years later)

to be completely fair, there are actually stories of people who were unaware of being stabbed

furthermore, when you get stabbed, you’re not going to be the most rational human being on earth.

phoenix, don’t give sadmad that point, especially when he’s currently assaulting your protege

now, as i was saying, Apollo’s suggestion that Inga was stabbed in the back and then ran into the temple is perfectly plausible; running to shelter from an attacker is probably the first thing you’d want to do when injured, and the tomb was a pretty safe place, i’d wager.

tbh i really don’t know why they’re arguing about him feeling the pain as that wouldn’t really impair his movement considering he was stabbed in a place that wouldn’t affect his ability to walk???

but yeah apparently he was doped up to shit so

...i highly doubt back pain medication is strong enough to negate a stab wound. on the other hand, if it is and your back pain is THAT intense, Inga, you need to see a fucking doctor pronto.

...yeah shots straight into the spine is one step away from surgery; not to be an asshole but I'm not sure Inga was doing so well anyway before he went

huh. are they really gonna give us an actual choosable choice to abandon Dhurke and save our own skin? Cause that would be interesting; a lot like the old games where you could “”choose”” to defend a client or not.

to be clear here, though, i wouldn't choose “no” even as much as i dislike dhurke. we know (sigh) that he’s innocent, and even if i dont like him it’s our duty to defend his shitty ass

OH HOLY FUCK

THERES THE CHOICE

wow. y’know SOJ, i dont much like you, but you fuckin Did That. well done.

also thank you for the Justice pun it is much appreciated.

“And while I can’t say I’m used to it, this isn’t exactly my first rodeo”

FWHAT

>game flashes back to the Ahlbi case

DSKJFLS THIS IS LITERALLY THE “at second rodeo: this isn't my first rodeo” POST

YES OK WE’VE SEEN THIS CUTSCENE TWICE NOW ALREADY

WE GET IT, RAYFAS GOT COLD FEET ABOUT BEING QUEEN

MAYAS IN THE GAME

phoenix: allow me to mansplain how rayfa is feeling despite how fucking obvious it is. after all, we know our players have the mental and emotional capacity of goldfish!

oh hey mansplain is a legit word in the dictionary

cool!

why are they building this up?? just fucking tell Rayfa to do her stupid dance again and get on with it; we already did this at the beginning of the trial

“Hmm... Indeed. It would be problematic.”

ohohoooohohohhhihgjhgo

oh her nails are actually tiny pen

thats neat

thank goodness Kooraheeneese is an up-and-down written language– otherwise they’d have to make a whole new animation for the english game teehee

“....................But... Horn Head needs my help”

oh my heart

dan she just straight up begone’d her

see the one thing that falls flat here is that, during a regular trial, the prosecution saying “oh, ok, have it your way; you can try to prove your theory” holds up a little more since they... you know. don’t have absolute power.

where as, with Garananana, its more like she's just a huge posturing pushover. especially since every other minute she's saying “ok, I'm gonna kill you for REAL now.”

rayfa: b but if i fail you'll be killed!!! i dont get it...

apollo: i literally just finished explaining that I'm 100% ready to die for my shitty job that was like 5 minutes ago

it is sweet to see that he’s cheering her on though. good big bro

I'm finding small solace in this beautiful moment of “your foreign dad and bro are here for you babe reach for the stars”

Athena’s probably flashing a double thumbs up from the gallery too

“But... I finally know now. I know in what I can trust”

Bobby, from the afterlife: YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

Garan: What??? my tiny 14 year old daughter is going to do a thing i don’t want her to??? fuck there’s no way i can shut her up. not even with all of my large adult man guards who could easily just escort her out of the courtroom without any resistance because they’re my fucking royal guards and I'm the Queen

oh shit she took off her own cape

im so glad i muted the game so her awful voice actress couldn’t ruin this cool moment

and now as this long ass cutscene plays out again, i simply cannot help but wonder about the poor choir and how long they’ve been on standby

where do they keep the choir during trials

whats it like singing the dance of devotion song every trial

oh finally here we go. alright, lets see what the magic party pool has in store for us this time

...o ...ok then

OH! OH SHIT

Inga’s face blind?!

Y’know I did have a few thoughts about that when we discovered his notebook but I didn’t think they’d actually go that route... though, thinking about it now, it is pretty convenient.

...ok everyone’s freaking out. maybe they’ve never heard of face-blindness? ...or maybe its not face blindness after all

im pretty sure it is though

i dont know why but everyone being like FUCK ITS GOD and phoenix being like “whoops shits trippy now” made me laugh pretty hard

ok i gotta say I'm actually a little invested now, even if its just because i think face-blindness is an interesting thing to incorporate into a murder case. again, a convenient thing, but an interesting thing all the same.

ahh fuck i keep forgetting how the stupid seance works

welp, there goes one of my souls... (sigh)

..apollo you dont need to show her the picture of her dead father to say “he had a cell phone”.

the voice was coming from INSIDE THE PHONE

RAYFA HAS A PET FROG????

WHAT

SHOW US THE FROG SOJ

SHOW US THE FROG! SHOW US THE FROG! SHOW US THE FROG!

...why would Rayfa interpret the sound of the warbaa’d (something she’s familiar with) with a lion’s roar (something she’s unfamiliar with) ??

oh i see thats why Vore Machine is an idiot

for plot convenience

Datz Are’bal, a man who throws fire crackers at children.

...sounds like an are’bal guy.

bahdum-tshh

“The joker who got a kick out of startling Ahlbi with his Dragon Snot Snaps”

...something tells me that if Datz found out about Youtube, he’d be one of those “””prank””” channels.

also WHY ARE THEY CALLED SNOT SNAPS

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

“happy-go-lucky”

i think you mean vaguely sociopathic

(sigh) ive finally been worn down to the point where i need a walkthrough. ive... been beaten...

boy ahlbi’s just a font of knowledge isn't he

DID SHE JUST BREAK HER NAILS OFF

PLEASE SAY THOSE WERE STICK ONS

HOL SHIT

MMMM LAY IT ON ME NICK

face blindness

... i mean theyre not calling it that but thats what it is

yeah yeah channeling blah blah come on! youre in the LAND of channeling !

shduhjahdjk

I'm picturing Inga running into his own dead body and flipping his shit

oh man. thats the end of Trail 2 part 1.

guess i’ll see you guys on the other side... heheh.

#soj spoilers #sulking over SOJ #ooc #its a LONG one]

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truthinchaos · 6 years ago

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Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Flying Monkeys — Oh My! (TM)

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SCAPEGOAT THIS JUST IN

Adult Children with Cluster B personalities socially abuse and scapegoat parents

on Tuesday, April 26, 2016

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Adult Children with Cluster B personalities hurt parents and families. That is the simplest and most direct way to explain the challenges faced by parents of offspring who grow up to have full blown Cluster B personalities. Whether a child suffered trauma or neglect as a youngster stops mattering so much or being an excuse for bad behavior the moment the child is old enough to know better and has the psychological and physical wherewithal to do better. Sadly, in the case of many narcissistic people who self-aggrandize, failure to take personal responsibility for their lifestyle choices, habits, and mannerisms goes part and parcel with a personality disorder diagnosis.

There are four distinct Cluster B personality types that are/were/have been clinically recognized in the DSMV edition of the standard diagnosis book used by mental health professionals worldwide while diagnosing. They include the following personality disorders — meaning personality types, not “mental illness” diagnoses (per say) — as follows:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Anti-Social Personality Disorder

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

Noting that at the present time, there is no known “cure” for simply having a personality that is (for lack of a better term) toxic, scientists and behavioral therapists are finally for the first time in human history starting to work to both understand and devise helpful therapy techniques to help love interests, friends, and family members of such people learn how to cope as well as to heal. This includes late-in-life help for parents of children who typically from a young age have always shown signs of emergent Cluster B.

When a child under the age of 18 shows bad behavior and makes poor lifestyle choices, it’s easy to blame toxic parents or toxic family experiences for a child acting out. If one parent is abusive and the other either enables (by refusing to leave) or participates actively as a co-narcissist abusing the child, it’s easy for the “victim” of child abuse to hold grudges against both parents for failing to protect or provide for their best interests as an adolescent, psychologically or physically.

Sadly for many great people who are kind and loving, the profoundly complex influence of their own Baby Boomer or WWII Generation parents and grandparents left them feeling like they were damned if they did or damned if they didn’t stay in a relationship with a toxic personality. Many an unhappy marriage produced one parent who became the family scapegoat and “glue”, used and abused by other family members and even their own children relentlessly and without an ounce of compassion or mercy for their kind hearts ever shown.

If a person married in the 20th century, conventional social ethics in most civilized countries were that you make a marriage work or try to stay together “for the sake of the kids”. Hindsight has proven from a psychiatric standpoint that no worse advice could have been taught or given — especially to mothers, as human beings who happen to be disempowered women.

Raised with toxic shame as a guiding force, many women with abusive husbands and limited career potentials themselves stayed on with nasty and abusive marriages. Why? Because everyone who was raised to overlook and enable abusers for their own selfish ends conversationally shamed and completely sabotaged them.

Weak Narcissists happy to stay in abusive marriages with stronger predators because it made their fiscal and social lives easier are to blame for teaching their sons and daughters that if they tried to leave a dysfunctional family or abusive marriage that not only would they fail to thrive, their own children would be directly harmed by loss of money, social support, and (in essence) being able to brag about their own bloodline. Family reputation was supposed to be preserved at all cost, especially to protect the Abuser from having his or her name defamed.

It was a time-honored tradition to keep domestic violence and abuse secret. If a child or family member was being bullied and had boo to say about it, the friends and family would gleefully engage in the act of mobbing the emotional person. No one thought twice about hurting another person to “toughen them up” — something that helped Western Civilization members learn how to industrialize nations and win wars but left the moral, intellectual, and emotional nature of some of the world’s brightest minds absolutely crippled socially and emotionally, suffering through a lifetime of heartbreaking confusion and shame.

Connect the Dots

Narcopath symptoms list includes bullying people who love holidays

If a woman left an abusive husband, she was clearly told she was being stupid and selfish. If a man wanted to leave a woman who was abusing him verbally, physically, sexually, financially, psychologically, or emotionally? He would have absolutely and without question have been considered unmanly or without a backbone.

Those forced to stay in unhappy and socially toxic unions as parents — whether due to societal pressure or because they truly in their heart believed they were doing the right thing to stay — let their children down. This proclivity to believe moral lessons to stay and endure abuse “for the sake of the kids” is and remains the most difficult social distortions of right thinking in every modernized culture today.

It also is directly the cause for many Cluster B personality types to claim they have a right to treat their own parents abusively — noting that most prefer to abuse the loving parent while keeping the strongest and most malevolent family matriarchs and patriarchs in a position the copycat or conformist personality type offspring lauds rather than eschews as a role model for behavior. Such is the danger of staying in a marriage to a person who is known to be abusive. The longer a person who is kind by nature stays, the less love and familial support they are likely to enjoy when and if they have kids who mature.

Blaming “bad parents” for why adult children treat their own spouses, friends, co-workers, family members, children, romantic interests, and even strangers is par for the course as a generic excuse most Cluster B people throw out there to see when and if a prospective Flying Monkey or new Narcissistic Supply Source can be hooked. Loving and insightful people tend to know to their core without ever having been “told” that they are responsible for their own behavior.

Regardless of how bad any child was neglected or abused, by the time they reach the age of biological maturity they are responsible for the lifestyle choices they make at the very least regarding their own attitude. No parent makes their child do things like lie, cheat, steal, have a bad temper, forces them to have a poor work ethic, or compels them to actively abuse others except in the sickest and most extreme form of cult-like families teaching things like religious zealotry actively in their home as a means of bonding the family while aligning spiritually and morally with aggressive behavior.

Yet, the Cluster B adult child will — each time caught or confronted lovingly with constructive criticism by one of their abuse victims or a therapist — pull out the “poor me card”. Waving it in the air like a metaphoric hall pass that will enable to pass through the pearly gates of Saint Peter, the toxic adult child of a loving parent will throw guilt and shame producing shade at any and every parent, family member, friend, or person of romantic interest in order to avoid taking personal responsibility for the root cause and effect of their own abusive behaviors.

Such is the plight of the narcissistic personality type, meaning those who are egocentric and responsibility-avoidant by nature. The adult with a Cluster B personality type will target those who show them the most love and care for blame in order to manufacture an excuse to continue their own selfish, dysfunctional, and toxic behaviors.

Pretending the person who loves them most is wholly to blame for having a childhood they did not like or appreciate is the default calling card left by an adult child who themselves is an abuser of other human beings. Seldom is the truly toxic parent or a grandparent set blamed for orchestrating harm to a family unit or targeted scapegoat mark.

If a parent was loving but constantly undermined by the people around them, children watching learned not only how to abuse but also to resent the person who (as a role model adult) allowed themselves to be constantly victimized. If the child showed early signs of following in an aggressor’s footsteps, by the time they reach the age of legal maturity it’s likely that rather than noticing on their own with compassion that one parent was targeted for abuse while their partner and the rest of a toxic family unit abused them for fun and sport with glee that they themselves continue the time-honored tradition of picking on the person they consider to be emotionally, fiscally, or most psychologically “weak”.

Connect the Dots

Smear Campaign survival strategies recommended by and for Abuse Survivors

If you are the parent of such a child, don’t be surprised to hear them brag about how much they love, enjoy, and respect people who are socially toxic and the most sadistic of covert situational abusers.

Yes, hearing that a child turned adult grew to an age where they are intelligent enough to have insight but lack the empathy to connect the proper social dots is overwhelmingly heartbreaking — just in case anybody reading this post on Flying Monkeys Denied here today was wondering. No pain for a parent with an ethical, kind, and empathetic moral center could be greater or more disheartening to be forced to bear than realizing no matter how much of their own life and heart space they sacrificed trying to provide the best life possible for their child was all for naught… meaning not only will the parent be denied the comfort of having a loving family to grow old interacting with but knowing in their gut the unbearable suffering their own offspring is likely to cause their own lover(s) and children throughout the coming years.

Such is the pain of being in a no-win situation with a toxic spouse, lover, parent, or child. If the people in question have a Cluster B personality type, they are bound by their own nature to constantly gaslight, pathologically lie, to create no-win situations for anyone trying to please or interact with them in a loving way, and to engage in ridiculous indulgences of psychological behavior tactics that any rational or sane person tends to describe within minutes of witnessing it as nothing less than crazy-making.

That’s when tough love of self and others can and should kick in in the mind and heart of parents of such children. Even if it is an adult’s fault that a child was traumatized, felt neglected in some way, or simply did not like their life, it’s absolutely no excuse for that person who felt or was abused to use it as an excuse to behave badly.

Bottom line, it’s no longer 1982. Nor is it any moment in life other than the now.

Abuse and trauma witnessed or endured as children and throughout adulthood shapes every human personality type without exception. Some folks use hardship and overcoming obstacles throughout life to make themselves stronger, and healthy families tend to show one another empathy for situational ethics as well as a historical context with regard to (literally) social position.

A mother of young children has far more opportunities today as a single parent than the generation before, and a massive social and financial advantage over that of her grandmother and great-grandmother. Failing to examine family challenges in the light of historical context is one way people who fail to introspect with a sense of realism trick themselves into thinking blame scenarios that both punish a person who they feel could have done better as well as excuse their own toxic proclivities happen psychologically.

The tough part is as parents of Cluster B children, many folks elect to cut their kids entirely too much slack in the pity party area. Were our marriages and family lives as kids or while raising our own children perfect? Not likely. Does that give us a right to fail to post, “fail to launch”, or act abusively in the now moment because somewhere back in time, based on an entirely different set of situational ethics, someone encouraged us to make a different choice or we simply failed at the time to connect empathetically and know better?

Adult Children with Cluster B personality types can come from a family with two great parents, no parents, or one parent who is the family rescuer. Some are born with a thinning in the area of the brain that renders them unable to process empathy. Others have neuro chemical imbalances likely to be able to be treated with neuro medicines in the coming two decades, clinically speaking. Others are traumatized directly, either having been abused themselves or forced to witness chronic abuse (such as in the case where one parent is consistently abusive and the other is left trying to fill in the role of mom-dad while struggling to endure being abused directly by a partner and their own children simultaneously). Even more are suspected of having become less empathetic by nature due to things like sports-related head injuries. Some, like autistic children, only have limited capacities for experiencing the emotion empathy on a biological level [1 in 68 ] or are (due to health reasons) egocentric by nature in response to their own compromised genetics.

Connect the Dots

How to talk to Adult Children about their own Child Abuse issues

Whatever the root cause or origin of the formation of a Cluster B personality, then, becomes a wholly separate yet still inextricable element influencing parents and any related family member to the type. So mom failed to buy that pony you wanted and daddy was never there. Clearly, road raging over who is blocking traffic is correlated and just cause for a person with a nasty temperament to rant and rave like a lunatic while reckless driving and displaying extreme levels of hostile and aggressive anti-social behavior.

[Yes, we are kidding, and yes, we are trying to make a salient point about Cluster B adult children here.]

This is the point parents need to grasp in order to truly become more effective role models and “adultier” adults…

No matter how wonderful or horrible you were as a parent, if you give a shit about their life and needs more than your own, understand that your willingness to self-sacrifice actually promoted and encouraged them to develop at the very least strong symptoms of Cluster B egocentric and entitlement-based thinking, non-empathetic behavior.

Wait… say what?

Yes.

We did say it, we’ll say it again, and absolutely promise that no matter how much pulling off that intellectual mindset bandage stings that there’s an absolutely necessary reason to say such an immediate guilt producing and truly toxic shaming thing.

Parents — did any adult you ever knew growing up tell you to put your own needs above that of your children? If they did, chances are that person had some sort of a toxic, Anti-Social or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

CONVERSELY…

Parents — did any adult you ever knew growing up encourage you to overlook or endure abuse, to stay in an unhappy marriage, or to continue taking social and emotional abuse from a toxic family member or person abusing you? Then get this, and get it to the core. THAT person was actively a Covert Narcissist teaching toxic shame values and “enabling” morals to you… seldom if ever for your own good but almost always provably in the best interest of themselves, first.

Yeah. Read and re-read that as many times as you need. No kind, loving, or thoughtful person who has your best interest at heart (rather than their own) would ever in a million years knowingly give you bad advice like that. It simply is never done by truly empathetic and psychologically healthy people, encouraging other people to follow a less godly path so they can keep material gains or improve their own image with regard to social status.

A decent parent or religious organization would never in a million years encourage family members or parishioners to self-elevate by abusing other human beings or lying, for example. Honoring thy mother and thy father was intended to be a socially compelling statement for humans to do their best in life, improving their behavior individually and generationally — not used as an excuse for Cluster B parents and church elders to use that hall pass to abuse.

There’s also no commandment that pronounces parents are required by moral law to lie for, excuse, and enable their own children to abuse society, friends, family members, lovers (once they are adults), or to help them abuse their own children.

Moreover, there is NO moral law that states a parent should ever allow themselves to be abused by or unjustly be treated disrespectfully by a teenager, young adult, or grown adult child. Yet, parents of abusive kids tend to take it time and time again on the proverbial chin from their offspring in the hopes that someday they will “come around”. But here’s the trouble with wishful thinking…

Every time a parent of an unruly teen or young adult overlooks or excuses Cluster B behavior, the child is likely to have the proclivity to act abusively towards others calcify as something that by nature and nurture they fully habitualize. Neurons tend to calcify personality type the hardest between birth to age four (when most traits are formed at the core) then again between the ages of 18 and 28.

If your adult child is 18 or 19, still socially is immature, and runs with an immature or toxic crowd, they are likely to act like their friendship circle lauds. But if they turn 21, are employed, and have completed school — or at the very least are old enough to have read a self-help or psychologic book about overcoming toxic parenting — and they still are willfully and obstinately choosing to act abusively toward parents or disrespectfully civilly?

Connect the Dots

What to expect when leaving a Narcissist

Then, there is more than likely a serious personality disorder at best emerging.

Jumping in to save a teen or an adult child from their own bad behavior while allowing them to treat poorly those striving to help and emotionally connect with them to foster a loving and supporting family atmosphere is likely to calcify their neuroplasticity into toxic thinking patterns deeper, not lesser. Overlooking adult children failing to show even the simplest forms of human decency when speaking to you (as their parent) is enabling them to abuse.

Understanding that the more you willingly allow them to speak to you disrespectfully or treat you as a non-human as their parent, the more damage they are doing to themselves as well as you is the only real way to help them as well as you.

We know that’s a lot of YOU YOU YOUSE right there to process. It’s a hard pill to swallow, thinking about having to — for their own best interest as well as yours — disengage socially and emotionally from a child who as an adult person “gets off” feeling powerful, in control of a conversation or social interaction, and actually takes great pride in sadistically striving to abuse. But, it’s a necessary leap of faith, to trust the universe to bring the right lessons to the adult child about life and the real world to help them socially and emotionally mature.

Some parents live to be 80, 90, or 100 years old and take inordinate amounts of grief or crap from their rude, abusive, and self-centered children willingly, thinking they are being good parents for staying in abusive relationships with their own toxic children. Actually, in such circumstances, many who elect to endure abuse do so based on toxic thinking and shame beliefs they themselves were taught as young children.

Staying in an abusive marriage is dumb and always, ALWAYS to the social and emotional detriment of the children. So is staying in a toxic family environment where a parent or grandparent abuses younger generations or the younger generation abuses siblings or a targeted parent or parents.

Bottom line, in any human relationship, reciprocity and civility with empathetic understanding is key to forming enduring and healthy connections between humans that bond generationally.

Kids with loving parents who have their back benefit from always having a kind and loving ear at the ready. Parents with loving children get the chance to enjoy spending time with their offspring, including with their chosen partners and grandchildren.

Those who have the cycle of healthy function interrupted or sabotaged by even one toxic thinker in a family all suffer unimaginable losses, for why? So some asshole can toot their own horn the loudest while making sure they pee in the proverbial gene pool for everybody?

Whether one parent, both parents, a grandparent, the Tooth Fairy, Bill Clinton, or the Easter Bunny caused an adult child trauma early in life, if that person shows up, validates their emotional claim, and strives to make things right they should be applauded for no other reason than their willingness to try. But if that same person who failed to care properly for a child denies, lies, scapegoats, avoids accepting any personal responsibility, shows zero care, consideration, or remorse for family falling outs or bad behavior, or simply continues to undermine, bully, and triangulate relentlessly it does not matter if it’s a parent, adult, or child.

If a person — child or not — has a Cluster B personality disorder, they are social and emotional terrorists.

They are going to be attention hogging, egocentric, irrational, and morally lazy. But worse — they are likely to blame and scapegoat everyone around them… most especially the most loving and emotionally sensitive of their parents.

If your child grew up to become a person that you would walk across the street to avoid if you knew about their lifestyle habits, letting them be a part of your life (as their parent and as a grown adult human being with your own lifestyle preferences and needs for emotional health as well as physical security) is… questionable at best with regard to pragmatic logic.

Did you divorce the co-parent for exhibiting the same traits? Guess what — no matter how loving you are, the child might simply have challenges behaving in a socially healthful way in part due to both your nurturing but also because of their own genetics. You don’t have to hate them any more than you have to hate their bio-parent.

Connect the Dots

Root causes for Borderline Personality Disorder

Actually, it’s quite simple to unconditionally love them. The tricky part as parents of Cluster B kids in Narcissistic Abuse recovery after spending at least the first 28 years of a child’s life being traumatized by THEM while striving to act like a decent human being and be a good parent is learning how to love them unconditionally in such a way that allows you to set and forgive yourself for ever having to set or enforce practical, “abuse opportunity preventing” boundaries.

Failure to set healthy lifestyle boundaries as parents has a negative impact on the healthiest and most normal of kids. When a bio-child has a proclivity to use and abuse other people as part of their nature by personality type?

Yikes is all we’re actually saying.

Why are we saying it? Because people who spend years trying to recover from bad romantic relationships only to suffer decades of the most mean-spirited, caustic, and cruel of abuses at the hands of their own children tend to feel helpless, hopeless, and literally die from the intense pain of social and emotional abuse.

Fortunes are given away trying to support non-appreciative spouses or horrific self-promoting Cluster B parents…

The best and most productive of age-years spent wasted parenting ungrateful and unruly children… followed by being treated like a person entitled to less human rights than someone like Charles Manson…

Truly, the existential gripping horror of those who grew up during the second half of the 20th century only to find that in the 21st century that not only did their attempts to please toxic parents as caregiving adult children failed but now their own children — having been over-indulged and taught they were psychologically “more important” as humans than their caregiving parents ever were or will be…

That oppressive feeling of failing as the child of a toxic parent and subsequently as a loving parent who inadvertently raised a toxic child is almost too much to bear, even for the most stalwart of “Gray Rock” recovery advocates. The pain of losing a relationship with your own child because they grow up errantly thinking that people with empathy are weak, stupid, losers who deserve to be unrelentingly abused at their whim for no crime other than striving to show other humans (especially their own family and children) hospitality at all times has got to be one of the most gut-wrenching and humiliating spiritual and psychological tortures to endure for any man or woman at any time.

Seeing your adult child take on the “stupids” — meaning toxic thinking a logical person who is introspective and simply willing to do a few hours of research can find out is socially destructive to do — is heartbreaking. Seeing them pledge allegiance at the altar of fools, perpetuating the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse with you (as their scapegoat “preferred target” parent) truly feels as if it kills part of you. You blame yourself as a parent for any moral failing of a child… that’s natural.

But that does not mean that letting it happen to you or allowing them to continue is something GOOD to do. It’s not in your best interest or theirs to remain in contact if they simply fail to appreciate you.

If they were a stranger who walked up to you on the street and spoke to you like that, would you be likely to welcome them with open arms into your life or invite them over to dinner? Would you hire them as an employee entrusted with caregiving or fiduciary responsibilities? Would you let them babysit themselves when they were little? If the answer to these questions is a resounding, “Oh hell no!” then you are already 42 steps ahead of the game as a person who is waking up to the reality that the generic advice we internalized as children about what it truly means to be a good person and loving parent was a load of absolute donkey poop.

Parents and kids don’t have to socialize. Neither do siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, or any other extended family member. Genetics does not bond a parent to a child legally past the age of 18 or vice versa for good reason, namely some people are simply impossible, irrational, and ultimately emotionally or psychologically destructive personality types with whom to deal.

Connect the Dots

How to spot the red flags and warning signs of NPD

If your adult child steals, lies, speaks in ways that are abusive to you, or they go out of their way to keep you socially triangulated, consider the right advice to give yourself if they were a romantic interest instead of your child. Would you let some man or woman you were dating talk down to you, scream at you, insult you, steal from you, destroy your personal property, make fun of or openly ridicule you, or treat you with disdain emotionally? Would you jump for joy at the thought of them calling or showing up for a visit to actively manufacture chaos in your home environment, cause extreme duress for both you and your other “housemate” or housemates? Would you rush to enter into a lifelong marital contract with them or place them in a position of legal and physical responsibility for your medical caregiving?

One can only hope the answer to those questions is NO.

Thusly, the parent of an ADULT CHILD WITH A CLUSTER B PERSONALITY DISORDER must learn to detach, observe, and engage nothing less than their own sense and sensibilities. Don’t presume your child loves you and will care for you lovingly simply because you spend the first 20 plus years of their life dutifully sacrificing your life and time to providing for and striving to cover for them.

Do plan your own senior care responsibly as well as protect your own assets rather than giving away the proverbial farm to appease 20, 30, 40, or even 50-year old them.

Do plan to protect your living space from emotional or physical intrusion, including but not limited to protecting your own life mate, “other” siblings, and family members from them to the best of your ability.

Know that there is only so much one human being can possibly do to help or encourage another and learn to set limits of your time and emotional availability resources.

But by all means, spend time every day reading and researching all you can about personality disorders, how to heal from Narcissistic Abuse, and how to avoid getting yourself entangled psychologically or emotionally with any domestic abuse or workplace bullying environment.

Why?

Because if your adult child ever does come around, the role model you set as a Narcissistic Abuse survivor who lives a healthy lifestyle positions you to become an advocate, not simply for them but for all others. If you get healthy and only care about doing so in order to win back the love and affection you wish was willingly offered by a toxic child, you are letting your own selfish needs to have them back trump your own right to be treated as a human being.

Be happy for you. Let them figure it out on their own why treating yourself and other people with reciprocal respect, kindness, and mutuality matters.

Let them do their own thing, understanding that if they are grown adults they have it within their power to do the very same forensic psychology research you have done in order to improve your life and THEIR world. If they don’t care enough about you, them, their spouses or mates, or their own children, friends, and family member’s life with regard to the impact their behavior has on them as a causal agent, then so be it.

All you can do as a healthy parent is make personal choices not to overlook abuse or live a life taking abuse from people who truly are more likely to celebrate the lack of your being and the promotion of themselves fiscally when and if you lay down and die.

There is absolutely nothing noble or “loving” about allowing a toxic adult child to scapegoat and blame you perpetually for their own socially toxic behavior. Abuse of a loving parent by an adult child treating them like a preferred target or scapegoat is truly one of the worst of all human social crimes.

It’s simply prudent if you are Skeletor’s mother or father to love him (or his twin sister) from a distance.

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DISCLOSURE: The author of this post is in no way offering professional advice or psychiatric counseling services. Please contact your local authorities IMMEDIATELY if you feel you are in danger. If you suspect your partner, a loved one, co-worker, or family member has a Cluster B personality disorder, contact your local victim's advocate or domestic violence shelter for more information about how to protect your rights legally and to discuss the potential benefits or dangers of electing to go "no contact" with your abuser(s). Due to the nature of this website's content, we prefer to keep our writer's names ANONYMOUS. Please contact [email protected] directly to discuss content posted on this website, make special requests, or share your confidential story about Narcissistic Abuse with our staff writers. All correspondence will be kept strictly confidential.

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