#the tldr is also really long i'm so sorry. i have the neurodivergence that makes you talk in paragraphs

[kayvsworld]

hi! sorry im autistic and i can't understand what your post means? the trans fem tony one. can you do a "TLDR"? its just very confusing, sorry.

are you against trans fem tony? i personally see him as trans masc

Hi! so the post in question is not about him being trans fem, or about headcanoning him as trans at all, or headcanoning him as anything—it's a discussion of [this] old post that went around in 2016.

That post (very long) argued that tony is the most female-coded superhero, based on the author calling a series of increasingly wild traits "female-coded", and ends by saying that tony in cacw uses "a classic strategy of the disenfranchised" (bewildering)

i was just saying that i'm dismissing a lot of the post because it's silly and kind of offensive (the arc reactor is like a bra? obsessive compulsive behaviours are feminine? he's short, like only women are?)

But i CAN see how someone might look at tony's character, and the stories being told with it, and go "hey, that's more like the kinds of problems and stories I'm used to seeing be written for female characters than for your standard male superhero"

but it's not about headcanoning, or tony's actual gender! transfem tony is very cool, transmasc tony is very cool <3 please headcanon him however you like and have fun <3

[dearestxiao]

Hey I just wanted to ask and I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfy but what happened to saekogun? I missed your #junesdegeneracyau and then I found out everything disappeared which was weird bcs I recall seeing ur blog in like March 2022

hi there nonnie... omg wow it's been such a long time since I've actually posted on this blog. thank you so much for the concern and to anyone else who's asked about me.

to give a quick tldr as to what happened with saekogun exactly: I took a break from writing right around a point in my life where I was both very busy, and slowly becoming more and more happy. the break turned out to be much longer than I thought it would be, and I one day decided to get rid of saekogun. my mental health has improved immensely, and I just wanted to say hello again.

I will start this off by saying I am very much alive and well. at the start of my first semester last year I decided to take a break from writing so that I could focus on my classes and internship and... just about everything else life had in store for me. it was initially supposed to be a short two week break, which is why I had initially never posted about it. but as more and more time went on, big (good) things kept happening in my life, and I had felt as if my mental health had additionally improved being away from tumblr. I decided that, for the sake of my mental well-being, I would not return for quite some time until I was fully stable enough to do so.

tumblr was a really weird source of turmoil in my life back then, which is kind of funny to say now that I look back on it (it sounds sooooo unserious, I know I know). I never talked about this openingly on my blog, but I did struggle a lot with my mental health, especially as someone with bpd. during the time that I wrote for saekogun, I had consistent and heavy episodes and mood swings. I knew no one else with bpd nor did I have someone I could talk about it with, so I felt a bit alone.

I felt very alone in my struggles and used tumblr as a sort of crutch and aid and it helped. immensely. but it also hurt me in different ways. I treated tumblr as a big responsibility in my life and it felt like I had a full time job as a content creator. I'm also neurodivergent and my executive function issues were beating me up without remorse. this was at a point in my life where I really did not have time for running my blog, but writing and interacting with the lovely following I had generated felt great. it was just too much for me though unfortunately, so I decided to move on.

I decided that I would keep the blog up running so that people could still enjoy it in my absence. however, one night after thinking on it for months I decided to just get rid of it. it sounds odd, but now that I was healing, that blog was just too representative and tied to a bad era of my life for me to want it to keep existing. so I banished it into the void, never to be seen again.

a lot of stuff has happened between now and then. to keep things short and sweet, I'm a lot happier now. I won't say things are absolutely perfect, because not everything can be of course, but I feel as though I've healed and grown. some amazing things have happened and for the first time in years I experienced true joy for a very long period of time. I'll stop myself from rambling before I get too cheesy and corny. but just know that it fr does get better y'all. I'm so glad I've lived long enough to a point where I can confidently say that.

I have a lot of regrets when it comes to saekogun. I definitely was not the best blog runner. I was constantly behind on asks and projects and I made lots and lots of mistakes when it came to my posting schedules and how I handled asks. I had so many asks that I never got to and made so many promises I couldn't keep. for that I deeply and utterly apologize. I do wish that I had done better and am sorry to those who've I disappointed. I thank everyone who had took the time to send something in and put time and energy into my blog.

another regret I have is not saving the color blue before I had gotten rid of the blog. that story is unfortunately lost to time itself since I don't have any portion of it saved. which sucks because if there was anything I'd continue to write about here from my old blog, it'd be that, but I have no access to it now.

I'm also sorry for anyone I have worried in my absence. I really should have made a post sooner, but I honestly had no idea what to say. I didn't know how to come back, and the longer I took to say anything, the harder it got.

I am beyond grateful for everything you've all had done for me, and for sticking around and checking up on me, and for enjoying my content in the first place. I cannot put into words how much it means to me for people to have cared about my silly little degenerate posts. from the bottom of my heart, I seriously thank you all. I also thank my sweet anons, old mutuals, and any followers who are still here.

now, onto the big question: will I ever write for this blog again? the answer is... iffy. I often fantasize about being able to write again, but the truth is I'm not into genshin anymore whatsoever, which is an issue since my primary fandom was always genshin. at some point after sumeru's initial release, I was simply just not as into the game anymore, and was too busy to actually sit down and play. I have no idea what's going on lore or game wise, and anything thats happened fandom wise either.

unfortunately, I'm not interested in getting back into genshin, so I'm very sorry to disappoint anyone who was hoping for more content like what I used to create.

however, I love writing. and I'm still really into yanderes and dark fiction as a whole. but I'm currently not into any fandoms that I think people would really be interested in so I don't think I have much to offer in terms of content. so for now, it's a... maybe? I guess we can talk about that as time goes by.

this is absolutely not to promise I'll actually be back though. I'm not sure if I'd be able to run a blog still to be honest, atleast not consistently. but I would love to drop by and post a little something every now and then and talk with you all.

thank you all once again, and thanks to whoever read this entire mess of words. listen, I'm rusty okay 😔

[jxthics]

regis the witcher :-)

REGIS

i will put my extended thoughts below i know this is going to get long

regis the witcher what is there to say about ms emiel regis terzieff godefroy that i have not already screamed my head off about in a discord vc.

first off regis my best friend regis. i headcanon her as transfem so i'm using she/her but my friend said that they haven't heard a regis headcanon they don't agree with and yknow what? i kind of stand by that. i like the idea that regis is transfem and came to terms with that post-addiction because i love trans characters who figure it out when theyre older. i also like the idea of her looking pretty much exactly the same as her canon appearance while still using she/her.

when it comes to the narrative i have many many many gripes about sapko's writing but the way sapko writes regis is a way i really think no other version of regis (looking at you, cdpr) is able to emulate because its just so CLEVER. shes so clever!! the way that she talks to the hansa to make geralt say that she's not a threat to them, the witcher who they trust on monster expertise, when she gets found out like?? all of her passages i a.ways have to bookmark to come back to because i know i'm going to figure out why she says what she says. it's not manipulative in a mean way but like it is so persuasive.

so like... the books are incredible with regis but cdprs regis is where im like... yeah wasted potential shouldve had more ): they have her drink with geralt even though shes a teetotaler? and the way that she talks about dettlaff and "handling/teaching him" (dont remember the exact quote) at the start of b&w feels so wrong to me when dettlaff is shown to be someone who isn't neurotypical. like not just headcanon/coded he is straight up neurodivergent in plain text and the way she talks about making up for that feels almost like she's trying to fix him and that feels.... really out of character and wrong, even if you don't like dettlaff. she also kind of just feels like a conduit for the plot? she's a very active participant throughout the books and i feel like that's something cdpr misses out on because the way that regis is active isn't in an aggressive way, it's in her own clever way and it's easy to overlook. i wish we had something like the scene where she's talking to the other guests in the books but in b&w, or if we got a chance to actually see her be a barber-surgeon the way she enthusiastically is in the books. or her overassumptions about humanity and the way she doesn't have it all together and makes wrong assumptions sometimes and like, overtalks to people.

also i just don't like how a lot of the witcher fandom is, sorry i think i could check that "done dirty by the fans" box for every single character. common mantra among my gcs is that "no one gets this character like me and my friends" for a reason. i don't like when people throw out her addiction recovery, i don't like when people make her aggressive, i don't like when people make her *very* passive. but i also have no fault to people who write her well intentioned but off because like.... she is such a complex character and it is so hard to write....

tldr regis my beloved

[exmost]

kind of a vent

hey so uh I'm just now realizing that the lds church and many of the things normalized or even just common within it and its members and cultures is just... like, super fucked up.

I'm starting to wonder how many other people there are that prayed to God to kill them like I did, because I was suicidal but I'd never had the ability to go through with it.

I'm in a much better place now, but as soon as I realized that mormonism fit the BITE model terrifyingly well, things started to make more sense.

When I realized that I was constantly uncomfortable around church things (actually triggered but didn't put that together yet), I worried in the back of my mind that it was somehow my fault for being a sinner or full of evil spirits or something. I figured that wasn't the case but it was really the only religious explanation for why churchy things specifically triggered my anxiety. But if I was born and raised in a cult, it really does make more sense that the manipulation I'd learned to recognize in people (thanks to Dear Old Dad) would also become more apparent in an organization, and become just as concerning.

All of the little things that made my stomach turn regarding the church, like that song about sitting still and thinking about jesus being very hostile to neurodivergent people, or really most church songs with subtly disturbing lyrics - it wasn't because I couldn't feel the spirit due to anxiety or any fault of my own.

It was because I knew something was wrong.

Something was lying just under the surface with little sharp bits poking through. Something I couldn't allow myself to understand at the time, because I needed to feel safe (as all children do), even if that meant pain and ignorance.

I used the same metaphor for my abusive father.

Realizing that these things weren't safe was scary, but it was also a relief. I'm not going crazy, there's nothing wrong with my perception of what's going on. What I see is real.

People like you have played a huge role in this realization. Thank you.

tl;dr do people do tldrs here? idk. anyways, long and short of it is, I grew up in a cult, identifying that made things make more sense and also felt very similar to identifying my father as abusive.

Thank you for sharing your experience, and thanks to everyone else who shares their experiences. Love y'all.

i'm sorry for the pain you had to go through, but i'm happy to hear that you're on your way to healing. thank you for taking time to share ❤

[kokichis-dead-dove-club]

A lot of the endogenic systems I know are neurodivergent in other ways, particularly autistic, so it really comes off as ableist to me when people deny they exist.

The reasoning I see given is them not being officially recognized by most psychiatrists but I call b.s. on that. By that logic people should deny the existence of their gatekeeping asses because the field of psychology is full of people who don't believe DID or other dissociative disorders that cause systems even exist.

The field is full of ableism, and bigotry and bias in research has held it back a lot. It's not even close to absolutely useless like a lot of people will try to say (good psychological/psychiatric care is an amazing tool to help people). But it's also not anywhere close to flawless and takes decades to officially recognize things neurodivergent people have been saying for years. Practically across the board in my experience.

If there was unlimited funding and a lack of bias, I'm sure we'd have people actually looking into why and how endogenic systems exist, but at this point we're still stuck at "Wait do systems even exist at all or are people (insert ableism here)." Which kind of puts a wet blanket on the whole thing.

Do I doubt some people are actually making it up? Not at all. But I'd rather believe those people and make sure I'm validating every system, rather than gatekeeping them and causing real direct harm to systems getting lumped in with them.

Also like, some systems don't want to figure out what made them, and if they do come from trauma, forcing them to confront that trauma before they're ready just to get support is so messed up and actively harmful. I know I wasn't ready when I first reached out to the plural community, and I probably never would have been if I'd been unlucky enough to be met with gatekeepers.

And the gatekeepers remind me of the people who question me because I use singular pronouns. Like, they expect everyone to be the exact same as them and that's just not right or reasonable.

Side note. The people who made the tupperbox and pluralkit bots support all systems sooooo. Gatekeepers really shouldn't be using those tools and should go and make their own if they really want to gatekeep who gets access to them.

Tldr: Gatekeeping is only going to do harm and endogenic systems are valid af.

Sorry for the long ramble but I just really appreciate you sticking up for all systems.

thank you for the detailed information anon!! i hope youre having a great night 💖🧡🧡

[im-a-freaking-joy]

Okay the tldr of this is: i am upset that the day has to be the time to do things

Okay so i'm on trazadone to help me sleep, and it still only has a minor effect even though im up to the highest dose my psychiatrist deems safe for me.

I still have trouble sleeping and waking up in the morning, or the afternoon, and doing things.

No matter how much i sleep, i feel sluggish during the day, and unproductive, and like death. However, during the night I am most productive, awake, and honestly, at my healthiest state mentally. It is my personal beleif that the only reason I need trazadone is because I'm trying to make my body sleep when it feels most comfortable being awake.

If the same opportunities and activities were offered to those of us who can't sleep during the nighttime and would feel better sleeping during the day, i would take them in a heartbeat.

Also!!!! As someone who is neurodivergent and sensitive to excess light, being allowed to live my life mainly when the sun is down would be so helpful! Being in harsh sunlight makes it hard for me to exist peacefully, because of the bright light and the heat.

I dont really know what else to say, i know there's night shift jobs, and that some places its alright to live more nocturnally, but as a teenager it would be really nice to be able to go to school and hang out with my friends and exist the way i do now, just at night. PLUS the constancy of people being awake and moving around would make me so much less scared of the night?! If there were people around no matter the time of day i would feel much less worried about what might happen to me in the night.

Sorry this was a long post, and essentially a more agressive and self righteous version of "oh yeah, Im a night owl lol" but i really wanted to say it

[lowestechelonabomination]

hey this is kinda an awkward question to ask🧍but uh. as an aro guy, did u ever feel like you CANT love? like you really want to love someone romantically but it just didnt end up working out or something? im trying to figure this out myself and youre one of the few people i think could help so

hm. this is a difficult question to answer because my aroaceness is more complicated than most people's I think. I never really went through the whole sexuality questioning process because honestly, I just never really cared. like, to me, the extent of my knowledge on sexualities for many many years was just the vague subconscious awareness that well, some people like other people I guess, whatever, that's none of my business, who cares. I literally only found out I was aroace when one of my friends was like "hey have you ever heard of asexuality?", and I looked at that and went "huh. guess that works", and then just kinda forgot about it. as a kid I'd tell other people that I had crushes, but I don't think I ever knew what a crush actually was. people would talk about theirs and I'd sit there like "oh yeah, I totally get that too. mine's uh *points at random guy across room* that one". for a few years in elementary school I'd convinced myself I had a crush on one of my friends, but looking back, I'm like 99.999% sure it wasn't one, but also have no idea what else was going on there either. did I have any feelings for him? who knows, it's not like I can actually name, recognize, or even really feel any feelings anyway. also, to clarify, the main reason why I say that being aroace is Very Complicated for me is because I just happen to have this really weird form of alexithymia that I haven't ever really seen anyone else have, where I literally only experience emotions physically. like, for example, instead of feeling stress like everyone else, I'll just get shaky randomly with zero actual emotion. it's...extremely confusing, to say the least. anyway. having that knowledge about my weird little autism brain means that I have this lingering doubt of "what if I'm not actually aro, and any crushes I may or may not have gotten were just blocked by my complete inability to recognize literally any emotion?" but then I reassure myself that being aro is having a lack of romantic feelings, and if I have a lack of general feelings then that implies a lack of romantic ones too, so even if my aromanticism was caused entirely by autism then it would still technically be aromanticism. anyway, I've gotten off track. so. to answer your question, I've never wanted to like someone romantically, and I genuinely have no idea what love is. not in a sad or edgy or depressed way (though I do also have some pretty strong anhedonia which does not make things any easier to figure out), but purely in a My God Do I Have Some Autism Alright way. I've tried to figure out the concept, but my brain just. can't. so basically, I'm probably not the best person to ask this either, considering how very dependent my aromanticism is on my specific kind of neurodivergence. I don't know if I can or can't love, and I frankly don't really care, so I solved that problem just like how I solved every other question I didn't particularly care about answering: by completely ignoring it. exhibit a: gender. anyway sorry for this unnecessarily long ramble, it's late at night and I like talking about myself a bit too much

tldr: uh I am probably also not the person you should be asking. being aro to me is heavily dependent on my specific forms of neurodivergence and personality, and my relationship with being aroace is definitely not common. sorry. wish you the best in figuring things out though :). I'm sure you could also find some good resources for questioning aros if you dig around

[one-abuse-survivor]

hey it's milky way

today's the last day before the fall break and the only things i've got left to do before is a bunch of exercises for english class.

the

past 8 weeks (since the end of summer break) have been one big rollercoaster. i've had a few highs where i felt genuinely good and like i could finally leave everything behind but on the other hand i've had even more lows that were really low. and usually the highs only lasted half a day or a day, while the lows lasted way longer which just sucked.

i was very close to relapsing so many times and the only thing that actually kept me from it was the guilt of ruining a 10 month streak of being sh free.

we got a new math teacher who is rly cool but also i had to take a philosophy class this year which has the worst teacher. i know that's not just my opinion bc every single person who i know ever had him agrees that he's an asshole and a pain in the ass to deal with. so he's just there to ruin my tuesday afternoon every week. his class just sucks every bit of life out of me.

this week i had two "mental health days" (i was sick with either a really really bad cold or a weird flu (not covid tho, since i'm vaccinated and i got tested) and i didn't go to school monday and tuesday) and it made *such* a difference because unlike a normal weekend, my parents weren't around during the day.

anyway, the stress of school is still crushing and nobody believes really believes me when i tell them. my one friend made a nasty joke about my problems today that really really hurt and yesterday evening when i told my parents that my gf and i broke up (it was for the best of both of us and we're still friends, so it's good) , my mom had the audacity to say that things like that don't matter as long as i am feeling well and happy (which i don't). and it just painfully reminded me of those times i tried to get my mom to understand that i'm not in fact feeling well and happy.

tldr: things suck and i'm not sure if they got better or worse.

i hope you're doing well and once again thanks for even doing this, writing these asks has helped me a lot

Hey again ❤️ you're welcome, I'm really glad sending these asks has helped you :)

Sorry to hear the lows were longer than the highs and that you were so close to relapsing more than once. I'm so, so proud of you for resisting. Anything that can help you get through those moments without relapsing is a good thing, even if it's just wanting to keep your streak. But remember to do other things to express or soothe those feelings if you can, okay? It's not good to bottle up all those feelings, even if self-harming isn't the best way to let them out.

I feel you so much with bad teachers making everything worse. When I was in high-school I had a really strict chemistry teacher (chemistry being the subject I struggled most with) and every day I had that subject was a day I spent shaking inside all day. The stress of school can absolutely be crushing, especially when you're already dealing with mental illness, undiagnosed neurodivergence, trauma, etc. I'm so sorry the people around you aren't taking you seriously. I really hope your friend apologised for that joke.

Mental health days are the best, especially when you can be alone in a house that doesn't usually feel safe for you. I'm really glad you got to have those two days for yourself. I'm also glad you're still friends with your ex and you made the decision you felt was best for both of you :) but so sorry your mom invalidated your feelings like that again. Of course it matters that you broke up with her. Even though it was friendly and a mutual decision, it's still allowed to evoke some strong feelings and to take a little while to get over.

I really hope you can get some rest during your fall break, it's so good that you only have some English exercises left to do :) as always, I'm here if you need to talk and I'm sending you a huge virtual hug ❤️