#the spoons i used before talking to them didn't magically reappear either

[saltyaro]

If you’re wondering about me flooding your dash today - that’s ‘cause I’m in a pretty good mood today actually?

Yesterday was back to school for me, which was extremely stressful, and I actually felt pretty bad till 8 PM. I don’t know if that’s a normal thing or just a ND thing, but being around a lot of people is extremely tiring to me, even if I already know said people. I’m so alone in my class, like basically I’m invisible and no one really cares about me as I failed to make any friends in one year (also the school’s switch disappeared and like fuck it Zelda and Mario Kart already got stolen, now we can’t play smash anymore? Fuck you unknown thief, give us a break). Despite being exhausted and convinced I would regret that decision, I still followed people to the place they usually go to drink (I don’t drink lmao) to try and be “social”. Which I’m exceedingly bad at.

I tried to inset myself into groups of people who were talking, and I think I managed for like, 2 hours (a lot for me) before it became too much effort and I decided to go home. I went to give back my glass to the owners, and somehow when I got back outside, I stumbled unto 2 people who aren’t in my promotion, they work in the incubators in my school. One of them I’d already talked to, he destroys my promotion in smash, but I didn’t know the other. I was surprised to see them so the one I know tried to explain what they were talking about, thinking I was confused about what I heard. And they were talking about not having children and social norms and the nuclear family and-

Well, you get the idea. I even managed to slip amatonormativity in the conversation, mentioning I had been talking a lot with cool people about capitalism and the way it interacts with amatonormativity lately and. Well, they hadn’t heard of amatonormativity, but when I explained it to them, they were like “oh yeah I see!” and were on board. We didn’t discuss amatonormativity alone because they just acted like its existence was so obvious and didn’t challenge its existence at all, just agreed with it. It felt like they knew about the system, just not the word. Aaand I think that’s what it is because...they’re polyamorous. And nb. Both of them. And I didn’t know about it. I kinda knew the person I already knew wasn’t using their birth name but like, I don’t really care about that, I’m going to use whatever name you use for yourself without question you know? Anyway we agreed on a lot of things, the third person challenged us a bit but it wasn’t aggressive at all, we were really just healthily debating. Probably because we all had the same base values: heteronormativity, capitalism, cisnormativity, patriarchy, racism, etc. = bad. We also jokingly talked shit about cis straight people and honestly I’d missed it. I haven’t done it in months, ever since I got thrown away by my last friend you know? 

Our conversation didn’t stay about that all the way till we each went home, but even after that, I realized something pretty interesting. I’m often really uncomfortable with some topics but with them it was way less uncomfy? Probably because they’re queer but specifically nb and polyam, so the norms they inherently challenge really hit close to home for me, it felt safe. 

Anyway, it kinda reinforced my...disappointment, for lack of a better word, in not having entered my school 1 year sooner, we would have been in the same promotion. Theirs seems so much better, more openly queer, and more generally deconstructed (in my promotion some of us had to put a stop to some guys who were making antisemitic “””jokes””” if you want even just one of the issues I have. Haven’t heard those since then so I guess they’re behaving in front of me at least). 

What I want to say is, it’s extremely important for your emotional and mental health to be around other queer people. I didn’t know before it happened that losing my last friend would not only leave me alone but that just speaking with queer people is so healing and important, the lack of it would almost destroy me. Please don’t neglect interacting with other queer people! It’s soothing and the healthiest interactions you can have. If you don’t have a circle of queer people yet, and you’re not feeling too good, well, it might help you. I have clinical depression and thought I didn’t have spoons anymore before I began talking with them. I’m a very pessimistic, negative person and my ND brain makes bad emotions so much stronger, and it still managed to lift me. I can’t stress how important this is so please, take care of yourself and find queer people to spend time with.  Even if they don’t become close friends, even if you’re not used to spend time with them, I promise it’ll help, at least a bit. You don’t need to actually know them before. 

This post is also a casual invitation to joke about cis straight people whenever you feel like it, it’s fun and relaxing somehow haha.