#the shower is rusty and cant be closed

[number1weirdo2010]

The Prison of education

hey guys ! so i am if you don't already know a Non-binary , bisexual , dyslexic and autistic person . I want to be a writer of some sort in my spare time so I decided to practise on tumblr . please no hate Im trying my best and trying to share my experence of bulling and homophobia while expresing my imagination thru characters anyway thanks for reading and any requests or advise on writing please don't hesitate to ask !

!!! warning: mention of su!c!de thoughts , bullying : !!!!!

im going to write this in the first person but i will be changing a few names for privacy purposes!

5:30am alarm is blaring , i can feel the damp whether without even looking out the curtain it's time to get out of my bed . which for me is one of the hardest tasks of the day as all i want to do i stay in my warm, comfortable bed and sleep away any of my worry's . Although I know i cant do that . My legs are heavy like 50 pound weights , my head is banging and throbing with a headache that feels like a strong wave forcing me back down to the pillow . I have to resit . I look in the mirror and instantly feel this rage of gender dismorphia , ARE YOU A GIRL , ARE YOU A BOY , PICK A SIDE , U DONT DESERVE TO LIVE . i force my self to block it out with the blast of music in my headphones . i pick up my toothbrush , on goes the toothpaste and into my mouth . some people don't like the mint flavor , i hate it but some times i feel like i deserve the burn . I put on some shorts and a baggy t-shirt , trainers on and out for a run by 6:00am.

home a 7:00am still hate the way i look but i have no more time to work on it now i have to shower and pack my things for school. Now second battle of the day breakfast or no breakfast ? It's the only thing i can control , to make myself look thin or more masc at this point I do not know so to make my life slightly easier i skip it . I kiss my mum on the head tell her Im ok and that i will see her later . i open and close my door , hands shaking i lock using my old , rusty key . choking back tears i think un my head what will they say today , my hair ? The way i wear my uniform ? What bag i choose to wear ? my sexuality ? my gender confusion ? the reading book ? what i eat ? the list goes on . standing at the gate , there it is .

The Prison of Education .

greeted by the teachers i put on my mask , my virtual mask , a smile. time for form , i can just about stand up let alone walk to the 3rd floor. I must not let anyone know how i feel so . I smile.

i open my form room door slowly to be greeted with a perverted form room teacher , laughter and sniggering . I suddenly feel overwhelmed as if i want to die on the spot as if i want the floor to eat me whole as if i didn't exsist so that these bully's wouldn't have to put them selfs out to bully me . there i go again trying to make THERE lives easy with me not in it . i sit down in my seat , sweating , holding my breath as if if i exhale ill be shot on the spot which at this point i wish would happen . time passes while i feel like im going to pass out . i can feel them staring at me , all of them there judgemental eyes trying to figure out what i am . well i don't even know myself . 2 lessons pass and now its break time and ofcorse as i step out the classroom there they all are , all 13 of them . im backed into a corner where i am verbally , mentally abused but hey it's just me im fine i should be used to it by now . the minuetes go by i feel trapped until i finally break down . crying , i can't breathe , alone .

finally the end of the day all i want to do is go home and lay under the covers . I know i cant , i have to help my mum she has enough to worry about DON'T TELL HER but i know she will make me feel better either way .

a bit of time with my mum later and im back in the same place . the mirror , judgeing , hating on myself but hey tommorow is a new day right a new day of struggles .

the end... For now .

thanks so much guys for reading i understand it's a bit dark and i do apologise but i wanted to spread awarness or bulling and the affects of it on surtain people please dont hate on puntuallity and spelling im trying my best many thanks

Heidi (liam xoxo ) !

[glitchdollmemoria]

already talked about this elsewhere but im worried about my memory getting rusty and i dont wanna forget this so into the vault it goes

it was a while that i was at least curious about mspec mono labels and such. a bit in denial but wanting to at least learn more about them. jumpcut to me actually finally taking the time to consider the relationship between my gender and my sexuality, torn between feeling like certain labels were right + questioning if i had the right to use them. im simultaneously dealing with whatever schizospec shit ive been dealing extra with lately, and so that lands me spacing out at work, barely holding myself together to just finish closing up shop, and literally all my brain can manage to focus on is repeating the phrases "i think im a lesboy. i think im a bi lesbian. i think i need to lez out" over and over for like an hour while i finish my shift and walk home. finally i get back to my place, and i check the mail, and im at the mailbox and i look up and i see a meteor, and its so close that i could see the way it burned up in the atmosphere, and with my senses all fucky it felt even closer in the moment, like it was right in front of my nose. completely breathtaking. and, again, schizo shit, i cant say this isnt just my own brain being weird, but it very much felt like G-d was affirming things for me, like He was telling me to snap out of it and stop fixating so much and just do what felt right.

really, thinking about it now, i think a shooting star is pretty accurate to my queerness. meteors are so temporary and bright and you get to see them in this split second moment if youre lucky enough to witness them. then they burn up and theyre gone. i think all the different facets of my gender and orientation together could be pictured like a meteor shower, so many different feelings that last for a short time, and then theres a new one, and another. and like a meteor shower there can be so many burning in the sky all at once, not at exactly the same time but overlapping with each other. ive had to teach myself not to treat my gender or sexuality as something permanent, but instead as something constantly shifting, where i have to feel the joy of each little "shooting star" in the moments that it exists, and then move on to whatever "shooting star" i see next. i think thats a lot more fun and doable than trying to put myself into a specific box forever.