#the second picture looks so bad on my phone i'm gonna cry lmao

[saturmarine]

A few pictures I made recently in Colors! 3D. One thing I hate about working on a small 3ds screen is that I'm never really sure how muddy something is going to look until I finish it and view it on a larger screen.

The third picture is a photo study of Nana Komatsu. I omitted some of the details because it was more cropped in then the canvas I was working on.

Should I be working on my WIPs instead of creating new stuff in a different program? Yes.

[hazbincalifornia]

Hazbin Liveblog: Episode 5

That promo picture is encouraging, let's gooo!

Bedheaded Vaggie is adorable. I love her.

HUSK HAS A FUCK MONDAYS MUG

Everybody seeming concerned except for Niffty is great. Also, frazzled Charlie hair is cute. Me before I brush my hair, tbh.

Have we seen Charlie in just her suspenders in the 'main' series? I rewatched the second half of the pilot more than the first so it's the look I really liked on her, too bad it's showing her as down to her last rope here.

Huh, I was wondering how that worked! I imagine Lucifer, since he can only see the evil in humans, bargained to save Hellborns in exchange for Exterminations being only targeted at the 'just evil' Sinners, since Heaven probably said 'it's this or we kill everyone'.

AMON SPOTTED IN CHARLIE'S CONTACTS... which means that my Aamon is spelled wrong. Oh well. Not gonna bother fixing that, it'll differentiate them if he ever shows up anyway.

I like how all the egg boys have different contacts, but they're still labeled 1, 2, 3, ect. Do they all have their own phones?

Big bombshell that Lilith and Lucifer split, but all I'm looking at is that little drawing of Angel as an actual spider in the background.

Oh, of COURSE Niffty would want him.

I like how, as opposed to the strained faces in the Loo Loo Land portrait, Lilith, Charlie, and Lucifer all genuinely look happy in their portrait- wide grins and happy eyes. There was something at some point, it just... didn't last.

Huh. He really is a goof.

Staring at the giant pile of ducks with 'important things' is great. I'm not sure really how to feel about him yet? I wonder how people who were 'fans' of him think of this. (He's one of the 'I'm waiting for canon to see how I feel before getting attached' characters, like the Vees.)

I always sort of assumed that the building itself came from Lucifer, I don't remember if that was something mentioned at some point or just a headcanon that I had, but now that makes me wonder, does she just have mountains of Princess Cash that she bought it with if he didn't even know?

Huh, he still wears a gold ring on his pinkie finger?

Angel's 'oh god this is cringy but I feel bad for her' expressions are top-notch but I'm wheezing at Husk's flat-mouthed stare and Pent's fucking.... crying cat face. They don't know what to do with Niffty so she's just got a blank smile.

Oh hey, some kind of diagram of the rings! They'll be easier to look at than the shot of the elevator in Ozzie's!

If they only had an hour to clean up, I see why the 'it's a boy!' banner from that one promo clip was there, lmao.

OH MY GOD HE IS TINY, I thought that was just perspective in that one show but he's actually shorter than Vaggie, holy shit

Have we seen Razzle and Dazzle before now? I imagine we just haven't had time to fit them in before now.

Shaking the scepter is funnier than it has any right to be, and Charlie and Husk have basically the exact same expression in the background.

The fact that this is Alastor's first on-screen swear is hysterical. He probably expected Lucifer would know of him but he's taken down a peg- I doubt Luci's paid any attention to individual sinners since the split with Lilith. Beautiful.

I physically cringe into myself with second-hand embarrassment from tv. I did not think the series would provoke that response in me as often as it does, but then again, I don't watch the interview portion of the pilot much, so it probably should have been expected.

Alastor: On one hand, I dislike the idea of being with Charlie. On the other, I need to fuck with this guy for insulting me.

Hey, at least he's not homophobic about it.

You know, from Angel, that feels like he's genuinely trying to make a good impression.

Oh. Oh I normally try to save changing icons but I HAVE to change to Alastor on that pan. My Brand. I just spent like five minutes opening up prime on my computer to get it from there, change it on twitter, and come back here.

I have to say, I did NOT expect the Lucifer song to be Lucifer and Alastor going back and forth but I kind of love it? Also, a flash of the fun neon colors from his pilot song!

Oh my god, I made a comment on the spoiler twitter joking about how it's funny imagining Alastor doing the boring shit an actual facility manager would do but he actually DOES unclog toilets and shit. Fucking incredible. (Granted, it being Niffty means it was probably a special case. Cute that she called him 'sir' though.)

On one hand, a thousand Charlastor cries at this. On the other, him making 'I'm more of a father to her than you are (and I literally met her like two months ago)' his play is a diabolical move.

(I did hear about those leaked character audition sheets that indicated Alastor's age jumped up from his mid-thirties to his mid-forties. My joke about how Angel finds out 17-18 year old Stellaluna has a crush on him and just 'man, kid, daddy issues much?' and she's just 'shut the fuck up' is even stronger now, even though she's actually got a generally-fine relationship with her dads, it's mostly screwed because of outside forces.)

I wonder if that thing going around the Viv might have wanted Weird Al for Lucifer was due to the accordion thing. Probably not, I can see how the personality got her there, but still. Funny.

I feel for Charlie in all this.

Well, Mimzy was unexpected!

I like how Husk looks completely unimpressed while the others are confused. What do you wanna bet she just pops up around Alastor once in a while so he's used to her pulling this?

She's fun! I like her.

Ha, called Husk didn't like her. There's a lot of good background stuff in this episode as the characters react to stuff.

Having Mimzy (as a friend of Alastor's) recount the story fits into things a lot better, and I like the idea that he didn't just go on a giant bloody rampage that first day but started with something more sneaky. I think it fits better.

I was curious if this bit would be in this episode. Alastor's been a bit... tame, in previous episodes? He mostly seemed to aim snark generally or at those who 'deserve' it like Vox, it's great to see him being more of a 'villain' to Husk to really hammer in that while he's different from Val, the comparisons in Loser aren't just surface-level.

Making loan sharks actual sharks is great. Also, Mimzy running over the dude's girlfriend makes me like her even more.

As someone who is Literally Here because a friend told me Alastor was a cannibal after I watched the pilot and it got me interested enough to jot off a oneshot where he shrinks someone and eats them and then start poking around in the fandom, this pleases me down to my very bones.

Huh. With the knowledge that Lucifer and Lilith are separated, Alastor was gone the same amount of time she was, Husk's comment about how he's on a leash too, and now he's genuinely trying to uphold the idea of the hotel in some small part... I really wonder if Lilith did actually task him with this in some way, especially with a comment someone made about how him showing up moments after Charlie called her mom in the pilot might not be just how the scenes shook out.

Oh, this song is so sweet. Lilith having no face in the flashback is A Choice though, especially with how her card is faceless with just a mouth as well. (Which may even tie back to the idea of her working with Alastor- it's the same sort of grin he has.)

The animation here is... a little wonky though. It feels like it's a bit 'movement for the sake of movement' again, wanting it to look fluid but without certain direction. The song itself is lovely, though.

Vaggie's got something to hide, doesn't she? Does... does Charlie not know if she's a fallen angel?

[shiro-0197]

Oh my gosh Shirooooo <3 bae hiiii :D that's so lucky, I hope you guys see each other :] also, how's prep going?? How does it feel to be back in school? Hope everything's well. I'm sure you're acing all your questions (as usual ;)

ooh, I overslept today morning. It was NOT pretty. I woke up because I had a school meeting and my teacher was like "Ariana switch your camera on" and (grr I was forced to) I looked so sleepy 😭 because I had literally just woke up. Talk about embarassing smh. but I have holidays till Monday! in commemoration with my second favourite holiday; Chinese New Year (it's the year of the ox ˃ᴗ˂)

aww :(( at least pretend to sleep, if I ever attempt convincing you then :] I'll hug you (and I have a firm grip when I'm half asleep 😪) flashcards?? I see!! Do you use Quizlet? I'm sure you can do it, you're capable of that (and so much more!!) I love you too, bae.

lmao it was. They've asked us to submit pictures of ourselves for this year's magazine. So thankfully, no sorting.

nah, it was a good one. You're so cute shjxjsks. Rip the pictures, but there's space for more :D oh my gosh I understand that!! Like 😭😭 do I have time for another fandom?? No. Does my brain listen?? Also no (my brain had apparently decided we're gonna be simping over Darren Criss for the next 10 business days. Don't ask me why, but I've watched every single one of the movies/series he's starred in.)

Oh btw!! I tried creating an oc (this is my first time don't judge 🥺🥺) anyways, she's so cool, I WANT TO BE HER. Or marry her, idk whichever works.

just my dad 😌 my mom and the rest of my family have a very long way to go, but i try educating them whenever I can. Thanks for saying that, and I really hope the world changes in the future. There's literally no place for prejudice anymore :( but despite all that, the most important part is that our families love us, and although there are some things we wish could change over time, I'm so glad for that precious fact.

haha I see :'D that's right, tho I'm so happy you've settled into a schedule!! A bummer, but there'll be those teatimes, right?

that shirt. It's so cute I might cry. The frog 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺. f o r g

Aaaa yep yep. I miss you so much too. But I'm really thankful no matter how busy our lives get, we always manage to find a way to reply every once in a while. It really makes me realize that we're meant to be friends, yk? like not even the lack of time or the (unfortunate) abundance of distance can stop us. I find that special. And by God that just made me realize how much I truly love you. Which is; A LOT.

—Ari

Hello!!!! Happy late valentine's day!!

Look at this thing I made, tbh my first time making a valentine card and it was so funny. This ones for you<3

It's going well!! We had a cool party yesterday, not for Vs day (we done celebrate that here) but for Abi's day! That's basically our mentors' celebration. Our grade threw a concert for them with games and performances, and I was leading the whole show? Like, I introduced the performances and games and etc. It was nerve wrecking but I survived, and they liked it! We had huge fun. Glad I didnt have to dance. Also, we tried making that frog cake (have you seen it?) And I didnt take a pic (I asked my friend but he still hasnt so uhm) but as good as it tasted, the frog looked more like a green blob. But he (abi) liked it anyway

Ouchhh😭😭 I know, I remember one time when I overslept and literally had one minute to set everything up so I delayed hygiene and breakfast to later. When I was eventually forced to turn on my camera I looked like this

Also that's so cool I hope your holidays were good!! Happy Chinese new year!!

Nahh I use some random flashcards app because quizlet was too heavy for my poor phone to handle, but now I fixed it so I think I should try that one. Thank you for the idea!!

OMG SHE'S SO WONDERFUL I LOVE HER SO MUCH I ADORE HER HAIR AND !!! AND !!!!!! Dont worry love she's great !!! 🥺🥺

Yeah, that's true. Too bad for my family that I dont love them😘 okay I'm so sorry for ruining the vibe, you're absolutely right !! I'm really glad too.

Well, sometimes, yeah! But usually the mentors are really busy, and it gets kinda lonely since I'm alone from my class. Well, there is one guy, but he goes home after 5, so yeah hes not here for a while

Ohh I'm always so surprised with the way you speak. I really find myself struggling with the answer when you say something as good as that because tbh all I can say is "🥺🥺🥺 yeah" but yes!!! It makes me really happy. I'm very glad to be your friend!! I love you so much, Ari ♡♡♡ I hope you're having a great day

Also, have a funnie

This is literally me with all my characters

[jenhrding]

dead to me season 2; a review

hello, i need to write about this because i woke up at 4am to watch season two and i have soooo many feelings that i need to vent even if nobody really cares

this is gonna be long so i divided it by episode and i'm doing a summary at the end if you don't feel like reading the entire thing

if you follow me on twitter you may have seen a lot of my comments on the season, as i needed to tweet about it while i watched it, but this is more of an organized type of thing

A LOT OF SPOILERS AHEAD

> i'm a die hard judy/jen shipper so if you liked michelle this might not be for you, i'm sorry

EPISODE 1

okay, the season picks up on the morning after ted's death and that was something i really appreciated. i usually hate when tv shows skip things and only mention what happened, not showing us how it happened

judy and henry's relationship warms my heart. they have a really strong bond and i'm glad we got to see more of them together throughout the episodes.

but, as we can't have everything, it hurt me a lot to see the way jen was treating judy. i love them both equally and because of that i can clearly see their mistakes without being biased, or at least i hope i can. i get that she was hurt with everything that judy did, and i loathed steve deeply, but still, the guy was his ex-fiancee, and she loved him to death even if he was a toxic piece of crap. the way jen said she was just there to pick up stuff and then told her she burned everything without even looking at her made me so sad for judy, and her dropping judy off saying they would never talk again was very cold, but that i would've seen coming from jen.

i was constantly feeling bad for judy because she didn't have time to mourn steve or abe and there she was, broke and without a place to stay. and let's just say, abe was an angel in her life even after he died. props to him for treating her like she deserved to be treated.

the thing with michelle started and it seemed a bit forced to me, like they just wanted to shove judy to someone else so we would stop asking for jen & judy being together.

and then jen called judy and i just KNEW that was happening, that scene really made me happy and it felt like they were taking a step forward in their relationship. jen worries about judy so much, even if she's not the best at showing it.

"like an excuse to see me again." "did it work?"

EPISODE 2

steve's twin thing was 100% so they wouldn't have to kick james out. it was very predictable and unnecessary. i guess it added a bit to the plot but his presence really annoyed me. but, i need to say, james did a nice job because ben didn't have any of steve's traits (i know that's what actors are supposed to do but i felt like he needed a compliment).

diana was irritating me from the beginning, and i'm glad i got to like her more by the end of everything.

i didn't get the deal with nick. i know breakups are hard but he looked depressed af. maybe it had to do with his history, everything with his friend and him losing his job and stuff. but i'm not really interested in that so it didn't bother me.

and may i just add? the scene with judy and the bird, she truly is a princess, i can't with her. also, i liked the subtle hint when jen told ben not to climb on the freezer because it was too low, and we would come to find out later that steve's body was in that freezer.

episode two had a lot of fun moments and it was a lighter one, maybe to prepare us for the chaos that was coming next.

"you look beautiful. i wish you would love yourself more."

EPISODE 3

judy hugging the freezer got me ????? i know she's an espiritual person but was she really acting like steve was feeling anything? i was confused, honesly, but i don't blame her "she will never do anything wrong :)"

the rats scene was funny but i hated how long they took to solve the freezer thing and just showed jen going there and crying sooo many times it kinda got tiring.

jen was being so nice to judy, touching her and hugging her and i had my hopes up for a little bit (only to get played again but i'll talk about that later).

the scene with michelle was cute, kinda necessary for judy to realize things about her grief, but sincerely speaking she just makes me very bored.

the breakdown scene in the garage was GREAT, linda and christina did an amazing job and i want to give them all of the awards.

"just wanted to tell you that i forgive you."

EPISODE 4

this episode had so much potential to be gay lmao, i could actually picture jen trying to comfort judy and end up kissing her and then they would've been together and all, but liz really doesn't want to give us what we want.

the scene at the bar was one of the best scenes in this season. they finally TALKED about their feelings. about how they still cared about both of the men who hurt them even if they were still mad at them for being shitty guys, and that was so important, love really does weird things to us.

and the dancing scene was EVERYTHING!!!! plus, they slept in the same bed even though there were two beds in the room, so...

judy hugging henry because of his bird = my heart cried they really are mother and son

jen telling judy that she could say goodbye and LINDA's SINGING!!!!!!!! a big yes for me

"will you be my person?" "yes, i will be your person."

EPISODE 5

hated this one. jen telling judy she needed space was hurtful, specially because judy was planning a day to make her feel better.

i just really hated this one. jen and ben is a NO, and judy with michelle was bothering me.

the highlight of it, for me, was when jen called judy to help her with charlie because, well, he is his mom too.

plus: the car burning scene was hot.

EPISODE 6

judy and jen talking to charlie like his moms was sooo nice i liked that scene a lot.

the voicemails steve left judy were disgusting. i hate that guy so much and i'm glad he's dead (sorry) and not able to hurt her anymore. we only want happy and safe judy here.

jen was jealous when judy mentioned her "new friend" you can't change my mind on this one.

i actually thought judy and michelle were gonna kiss in the car, but i appreciated that liz dragged it a little bit more.

i loved most of the arcade scenes, specially the ones with their family. i liked how they portrayed jen's relationship with the boys getting good again but didn't drag it on for too long, i think it was quite nice the way they did it.

and no, i'm not here for judy and michelle even though linda looks very hot while kissing another woman.

EPISODE 7

um, judy and michelle slept together and i was not happy. in fact, i made a lot of tweets complaining about it and twitter actually put me on limit for a few minutes. her saying "i love you" felt so forced and fake, i don't know, maybe it's cause i just don't like them together.

i was really appreciating scenes with jen and charlie, even if i don't like him very much. it felt good to see their relationship developing and getting better again because i do love a mother-son plot.

"of all the lesbians in lagoona" (jen included if i may add). this scene really showed a trust between them that i missed, jen telling judy she couldn't see michelle anymore and even though judy was upset she agreed with it because she knows jen only wants what's best for her.

it really hurt me to see that girl pregnant, because i know how much judy wanted a baby and for her to have five miscarriages and have to see that other woman pregnant with steve's baby must've hit her hard.

hated jen and ben together. honestly, it felt so weird to have jen kiss the guy who looks so much like the guy she killed, so, i did not like that.

judy's speech to diana was really important. it really showed more of who she is, really, a person who just tries all the time to do everything right and keeps fucking it up (like myself, i'd say), and i liked that scene a lot, specially when she goes to pick up the plastic bags hahaha.

EPISODE 8

this one showed a bit of why we should've been prepared for episode nine.

jen and judy's first scene was really good. they started it fighting but the ending was so lovely and just showed us how much they love each other and the things they'd give up for the other one to be happy.

i really hated how michelle treated judy on this episode. judy didn't have to tell her anything right away, they were together for five seconds. (or maybe i'm overreacting because i love judy way too much and hate seeing her being mistreated).

the end of this episode showed a lot of phone calls that made me confused and it had a few cliffhangers that i found to be a bit unnecessary. the show is interesting enough and i think liz overdid the cliffhangers a bit in this season, but it wasn't something that deeply bothered me.

EPISODE 9

i have a lot to say about this one so just take a deep breath before i vent lmao.

jen and ben fucked. which i thought was unnecessary and out of character for her. i really didn't see jen sleeping with a guy who has the same face as the guy she killed, and the scene where she looks at ben and remembers steve's dead body was so weird.

plus, i wish they would've gotten deeper into jen's mastectomy story. the only mention to it in this season was when she was in the bathroom, and she couldn't even bring herself to look in the mirror. it was unlike her to sleep with some stranger after that, since she's so ashamed of it, and it made me sad that the first person to see her naked after surgery (besides ted) wasn't judy, who she actually trusts. i didn't need jen to talk about it, because i know her character doesn't like to talk feelings, but the scene where she was alone could've been longer and showed a bit more of her story.

they showed so much of judy's background in the last two episodes and i loved it! i like how they were slowly revealing why her character acts the way she does. we knew she didn't like to be alone, but now we know that it's because she was alone most of her life, and because of that she clings to anyone who shows a bit of interest in her. therefore, why she didn't like nick that much and still tried to make things work out with him, and when steve showed her a little bit more of compassion, she went back to him. and now it's michelle, who she started seeing right after jen told her she needed space. judy is codependent, and i liked to understand her relationship with her mother so i could understand her relationship with others.

jen's scene at city hall was so important and powerful. first, i was afraid she might embarrass herself but she was incredible. the way she called andrew out not even scared if all the white men sitting there wouldn't believe a woman's harassment story, the way she talked about ted and ugh everything was great.

then, things started to go downhill. jen's relationship with the boys started declining again and it broke my heart (but i liked how henry asked for judy because he was sad and wanted to see her). and this anticipated what i elected (as if i have any room to say anything) to be the best scene of the show.

the garage scene. i have so many feelings towards it but at the same time i don't know how to express them.

first, judy said she was going to take the blame for charlie and that right there is what a mom would do (and finally they talked about judy's s*icide attempt). besides that, judy said that jen had a family and she couldn't lose that family, and then we realize how much it hurt her when her mom said she didn't have a family of her own (even though, in season one, jen said she was a part of their family).

linda and christina were brilliant in this bit. linda's expressions send me every time, and personally, i love it when she curses because it shows a side of her character that only comes out when she's really nervous and stressed, since she's always trying to see the good in everything. the way she raised her voice and said a lot of "fucks" really brought a different tone to the scene that we hadn't seen during the season.

jen had a lot of breakdowns during this season. but none of those were as exceptional as this one. ted fucked up her mind badly, and steve saying all those things triggered her to do what she did. imagine being married to a person for eighteen years and finding out, after his death, that he was cheating on you for a year and a half, that really must mess up with your self esteem and how you see yourself. jen is constantly thinking that everyone that she loves hates her and she ends up hating herself (as judy said "i wish you would love yourself more."). she is an extraordinary character and there's so much i still need to know about her.

now, here's something that bothered me. this scene was great, but i think jen was a bit out of character when she said "that's because you love anyone who just gives you a morsel of fucking attention, even if it's abusive. it's like you get off on it or something". honestly, the jen i know and have grown to love would never blame a woman for being abused, even if she was out of her mind for being upset. she saw how judy was mistreated by steve and she always knew he was toxic, but she would never say that to judy, as if she had any guilt on it.

this scene was so raw and chaotic but it was breathtaking, in a good way. judy's "i'm not like you" and their fight in front of the house, also judy's screams, everything was on point.

and then, jen got to see something we've been noticing for the past season and this one as well. when judy's stressed or hurt, she starts self-harming. it was never brought up before but it's something to watch out for. how many times did she curse at herself and hit herself in front of mirrors? and in the car she starts hitting herself really strongly when she's asking jen to stop. now, i don't know which part of her history this has to do with but i'd really like for them to get more into this, as it seems like a great storyline.

jen watching judy sleep and putting her hair behind her ear was so gay pure and i loved this scene so much.

EPISODE 10

what jen did for her family was beautiful, even if it didn't start that well. now, about her letter to judy, i sobbed so much reading that one.

this episode said a lot about diana's humanity. her and jen's talk about their mothers showed another side of her that i really liked. and i'm a sucker for motherhood storylines, so i cried a lot during that scene.

i liked this episode a lot too. loved to see charlie so worried about his mother for once in his life, and how well judy handles things as a mother.

now this is where i get mad. the scene where jen and judy are talking outside was the perfect setting for them to confess feelings. michelle felt like something that judy needed to replace steve, so it wouldn't last anyway (me hoping that she's not showing up on season 3), and because she had that experience, now she could love jen in a healthier way, in a way that maybe she couldn't before. there were so many 'i love you's and so many hugs and touches and no kiss and i was sad.

i loved the way jen said that judy needed to learn how to say no (and also, can she please stop saying sorry all the time? she's always making herself sad to make others happy-- i can't stop seeing myself in her). and it was genius how they used this thing to make her say no to her mom, who only wanted to see her to get out of prison, it showed her strenght.

the way they picked up jen's grief for her mom was really nice, i'd also like to learn more about that in the future. we could really understand where her anger comes from and why she despises herself so much.

and, baby, let me tell you, judy hale is a GENIUS. the money inside the paintings? i never saw that coming and i was so happy watching that scene! specially when she showed jen and they held hands. :(

charlie found the letters and he's finally getting to know what actually happened to his father (i'm guessing), and i wanna see his reaction. and i'm so here for their vacation! "talk to me like lovers do!" she really just keeps playing with my heart. (and jen calling judy "judes" was really cute.)

the last scene was something. them talking about the sign and then ben hitting them because he was drunk? i wasn't expecting that. and, as i said before, liz likes a good cliffhanger, but this one didn't seem that harsh. if she wanted to, she could've just left us in the dark about whether jen was alive or not, but she didn't, and i appreciated that.

i still don't know if this leaves room for another big storyline, maybe this should be something to be solved in the first two episodes of season three so they could jump into something more exciting, i don't know.

"i love you more than wine. thank you for loving me and our boys."

OVERALL THOUGHTS

i liked this season a lot. it felt a lot different from season one, the settings, the air. it was a bit more chaotic, i must say, and i do think they could've maybe chilled for a little bit and left the high point of stress being only on episodes 9 and 10. literally, everything was happening, all the time, and the only time they had to breathe was when they went dancing that night.

there was a shift in my feelings, for sure. last season i picked up on a lot of judy's mistakes and things she did that bothered me. this season, i did that more with jen, but i still love them so much istg i'd die for them (not to sound dramatic or anything lmao). it's just that last season i identified a lot more with jen's anger and behaviors, and in this one a saw a lot of myself in judy, and that might've prevented me from criticizing them as much in their respective moments.

i love this show to death, and i'm just waiting for award nominations that i'm sure will come. let's just hope that, this year, they also acknowledge linda's brilliant acting and even give both of them some awards.

this is me, (im)patiently waiting for a season 3 confirmation and i'm sure i'm just gonna rewatch everything for the next year like i did with season one.

i needed to talk about this season, and twitter doesn't give me enough space to do that, but this is not something i usually do. if you read all of this, you're brave, and i'm thankful for your attention.

now, can liz please make judy and jen girlfriends?

[teenagebeautyqueen]

[Image description: a young person holds a mobile phone with a blue case and a paper on the other. the paper has a drawing of an umbrella colored with the trans pride flag. we can only see their upper body. they are looking down and to the left of the image. they're smiling without showing their teeth, and look relaxed. they're wearing a black, loose hoodie and some shorts can be seen at the bottom of the picture. they're also using black nail polish. on the background there is a door and a star wars poster. the other image is a close up of the paper. end ID]

🌈ʜᴇ/ᴛʜᴇʏ🌈

happy trans day of visability to all my fellow trans*!! here is me and my project for peace's day... i personally love it. it's on spanish, but i'll translate it for y'all.

the text on the left says "cada persona que conoces está luchando una batalla de la que no sabes nada. sé amable. siempre", which is the translation of that quote that goes like "every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. be kind. always".

the one on the right says "¿qué sentido hay en pelear? ¿por qué insistimos en sabotearnos mutuamente? Todos caminamos por el mismo sendero embarrado, todos nos dirigimos al mismo final." its translation is something like "what's the point on fighting? why do we insist on sabotage each other? we all walk the same muddy path, we are all headed for the same end."

and above the umbrella there's words like "odio", "acoso", "ignorancia" & "discriminación", which mean "hatred", "harassment", "ignorance", and "discrimination".

yeah i'm very subtle.

i've decided to share my story with the world. but i got kinda carried away. it's not s fairy tale, so don't read it if you're sensitive to themes like bullying, mental health issues, and toxic people.

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it's been... one ride of a journey, to say the least. i've said a few times that i started to question my gender around summer. but that's not quite true.

growing up, i never was fond of... anything that i associated with femenine, really. this included, but wasn't limited to, any color that wasn't blue (pink and purple get a special mention, i despised them), flowers, clothes too loose or too tight, shorts if they weren't from some sport, etc. i think you get the idea.

this collided with me being afab (aka a girl for everyone including myself) & neurodivergent. i wanted nothing to do with those things. but society wanted me to love them.

5 yo me said she didn't like Monster High. 5 yo female classmate said i was a weirdo. 7 yo me loved football. 7 yo male classmate said i couldn't play because i was a girl. 9 yo me hyperfixated on minecraft. 9 yo pretty much every classmate called me a geek.

so i stoped trying. for a while, i loved pink, wanted to have rapunzel's hair, watched disney channel, etc. but i already was the weirdo. i remember being three and friends with all of them. i remember playful fights for the toy rocket and reading books with the only other boy who could read, to ourselves, each other, and the whole class. but people grow up, and they change. so yeah, i was bullied. always the last one to be chosen, left alone on the bus rides, on my own at the playground.

and you'll be thinking "that sucks, but pao, how is it related to you being trans?"

you'll see, i didn't have many friends. i was kinda alone until i turned 7. then two new kids came to my class. let's call them eva and john. i made friends with them asap. i loved them so much!! they were my first friends since kindergarden. so i allowed myself to let go. i was already hated by most of my peers. why wouldn't i be myself with those who didn't despise me? (i was 7 when i thought this. 7 years old, and i thought that out of 20 people, 18 hated me. and then people wonder why i've got self-steem issues lmao. i'm tryna make the point that bullying in primary school isn't just some mean kids calling you names. i'm currently in high school and it still has its mark on me. but that's for another moment.)

so yeah. i went "wild". eva has adhd too (noice, right? i mean she has her diagnosis becaise she's primarly hyperactive, while i'm primarly inattentive, but we understood each other way quickier than with neurotypicals– even if i didn't know why yet), and john was kinda shy & corpulent (he wasn't fat, but he didn't look slim either), just like me. so we became friends. and i slowly opened up a little, while still playing my role of "the freak kid". i knew i was seen as that AND as the smart kid. double pressure, double bullying. but i had my small circle. it evolved until my current friend group, in which, god bless, there's a trans girl!! (eva's still on it– she's my best friend and i would die for her, no doubts. john can go fuck himself, the goddamned fascist).

but it ain't that easy. it never is. i'm 14 and afab. shit happens. y'all get it.

my first period happened while i was on a school trip (bad), on a hotel with no pads avaliable (very bad), on another country so i couldn't call my mum unless i had wifi because politics & stuff– and i did not have wifi (really bad). cue a lot of dysphoria (even if i didn't know it was that) + not being able to contact anyone. add the fact that i was the second one to have it, and it was some kind of taboo– it meant the other girls wouldn't leave me alone, and the result is clear: one of my worst panic attacks ever, on a tiny bathroom of some shitty hotel room.

from there it went downhill. my body started to become femenine, and the football short didn't make my hips smaller. my face, my oh so alarged face, suddenly became rounder. puberty hit me not only physically, but emotionally. and if that wasn't enough, we, as a class, were entering what's called here "the turkey age", a.k.a. teenagerhood, where looks become even more important. it didn't take long until i hated my body.

[WARNING: from here, this gets hard. mentions of eating disorders, depressive episodes/thoughts, toxic enviroments, homophobia/transphobia (both internalized and external), anxiety attacks, and thoughts of self-harm]

i thought "it's big, it shouldn't be big, it's fat. besides i don't want it to grow so fast. i want to make it stop growing. how? well, i grow up by eating. no eating=no growing".

yeah. eating disorder. when i think about it, i want to laugh. because it only took a few comments and "jokes" for me to be so angry at myself when i should be mad with them. i'm big. always have been, very likely always will. i've been told that i could make a very good rugby player. i probably would. i shared my cantine table with people (😔). and they wouldn't shut up. "[deadname], the rest wants to eat too!", "look at [deadname], she's gonna eat it all!". things like that. i stoped eating. i would pick up the smallest amount of food i could, even if my stomach was begging me to please eat something. eventually, my mum found out. and she helped me to grow out of it. i sometimes releapse, but never for that long. because i went on a whole year like that. and it sucked.

so, last year. socially anxious neurodivergent girl with several doubts on her sexuality gets to eight grade.

i play basketball. since i was little. i used to enjoy it a lot. we weren't a team– we were a family. loved 'em so much, 1000/10 one of the best things of my life. BOOM. now you're old enough & good enough to be on the "good" team. in the good time there's the cool kids. i am not a cool kid. oops. i was left behind, they all laughed at my back, no one cared about me (except one girl, but she was in the group and was scared to act until almost the end of the year. love her for that tho). i felt like shit. i was too scared to go to train. the sight of a ball scared me, because i couldn't help but think everyone was talking shit about me. we went to a national championship and when they went out to the city, they didn't tell me, then sent a pic of them having fun to the groupchat & delated it saying "oops it was for the other group". i had several breakdowns on my room that night. it was such a bad experience i can't even hear the name of the city without tearing up.

not to count that a new girl decided to make my life a living hell. now i know how to deal with her, but then i didn't, and i ended up curled up on the bathroom floor crying.

all while i discovered my own identity. i was so scared of being non-straight i hated myself for it.

it was a tough year and there were times where i would wish i'd never existed. it was too much for me to deal with, and i was just miserable. but i got out of it. remember the trans girl i mentioned? she's closeted, and she told me just this october. but even before that, she was my friend. she bought a new life to it all, a fresh one. i owe her a lot, including accepting myself as i am.

she is here, despite everything.

i am here, despite everything.

you are all here, despite everything.

some of us aren't here. they are the ones we remember. each one of us has our history. i shared mine with you all. it is not an easy road. you know that. it's hard, and it's tough, and it's difficult, and it's unfair.

but we are here, despite everything. the ones who made it, the ones who didn't, the ones who are halfway through it, and the ones who are to come.

we are here. we are trans. and we won't be erased.