#the saint christopher's medal is where the intimacy is stored

[wanderingxrivers]

This has no title and only came into existence because we do not get the Eddie/Maddie interactions that we should. Is it done? Probably not but it's a start of something and I kinda like the direction where it's heading.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Against the backdrop of beeping monitors and the whoosh of the ventilator, the whisper of the silver chain sounds like thunder as he removes the medal that brought him home because it has a new purpose now, a new family member to protect. Eddie’s fingers tremble with a level of anxiety that he hasn’t felt since the birth of his son. Buck, his Buck is laying in a coma and all the words he wants to say, needs to say, are caged behind his teeth. He doesn’t want this. Buck doesn’t deserve this. He deserves a real confession, not one at a hospital bedside where Eddie is terrified that he won’t come home. 

So, Eddie acts because while he is not an eloquent man, he is a man of action. He places the necklace around Buck’s throat, the glint of metal against the too pale skin a reminder of the love that Eddie holds, a promise to come home, to be the light in the darkness when all else fails. He adjusts the medal so that it sits just below the hollow of Buck’s throat, a shield against all harm. The words come to him, a memory from Catechism, floating up from the depths; Protect him, today in all his travels along the road’s way. Give him your warning sign if danger is near so he may stop while the path is clear. Be at his window and direct him through when the vision blurs from out of the blue. Carry him safely to his destined place like you carried Christ in your close embrace.  

Faith has left Eddie behind long ago but these things, these talismans against the chaos of the world, stick with him long after the original meaning was lost. This kept him safe in Afghanistan, it will keep Buck safe as he comes home. It has to.  He can’t live without him. It will break him.   

There’s a certainty to the knowledge. Losing Buck will absolutely break him beyond repair. Buck’s woven himself in their lives in a way that can’t be undone. He’s co-parent to Christopher, Eddie’s partner in all things but the things Eddie wants most because he’s a coward. He can’t bring himself to say the three words that will let him have what he wants, that will let him finally truly be happy the way he wants to be.   

A voice in the back of his mind that sounds suspiciously like Frank’s floats a simple question. “What harm comes from letting yourself be happy?” Before Eddie has the time to turn that thought over and examine it further, the door opens. He looks to the direction of the door, his shoulders losing their tension when he sees that it's Maddie.      He flashes her a wan smile in greeting. It’s a pale imitation of his usual grin and feels deeply out of place in a hospital room but he doesn’t trust his voice. If he speaks, then everything he’s felt for the last several years will spill out of him and Maddie will see all the ways he’s been a coward and a fool and he doesn’t know if he can expose his broken messy heart where the object of his deepest affections lies somewhere between life and death. This was not a conversation he wanted to have with her here, not now.   

Her warm brown eyes meet his, an eyebrow raised in question. Of course, she’s noticed the lack of the St. Christopher’s medal around his throat and its new place embracing Buck’s. She knows what it means, how it was a symbol of hope that brought him home through tragedy after tragedy. Maddie’s face cycles through a series of emotions that Eddie is too tired to track but it settles on something that is fond and understanding with only a small note of surprise.  

There’s a hand on his shoulder, and for a moment, he wants to cry because it’s the same place where Buck places his hand when they share those shoulder touches. He breathes deep, forcing a harsh breath out through his nose, fighting back the tears because once they start, they won’t stop. While Eddie never had an elder sister, he knows the burden of being the elder sibling, of carrying the worry for your younger siblings in your bones even when there is nothing you can do to protect them. He knows that Maddie is feeling that agony and they can only wait for Buck to find his way out of whatever liminal realm he’s in and rejoin his family here.   

Maddie’s voice is quiet. “He loves you; you know.” At Eddie’s surprised look, she chuckles lightly. “No, he didn’t tell me in so many words but he also didn’t have to. No matter who he dates, he always comes back to you. It’s always you in his weekend plans, his calendar, the pictures on his fridge, the lock screen on his phone. It wasn’t hard to figure out. You just had to pay attention. You have to tell him though.”   

The pressure at his shoulder leaves and there’s the scrape of a chair being dragged across the room and she’s sitting at his side. “This is the thing about Evan, you have to spell it out for him. If you leave any grey areas, he’ll think the worst.” Her hand lays over his, where it's clutching Buck's. “Can you please promise me one thing?” Eddie’s head nods before he realizes what it is he’s agreeing to. “Tell him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you love him and that the family he wants; he has with you.” She stares at him in that knowing way that she gets, the look reminding him uncomfortably of his own sisters when they’ve caught him a trap of his own making. “Didn’t you tell Chim once that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone?” He bobs another nod, recalling the conversation well, how he had told Chim to make a move and actually tell Maddie that he loved her because tomorrow was in fact not promised to anyone. 

There’s a wet chuckle that is uniquely the Buckley siblings’ that escapes Maddie's throat. “This is the part where my brother would tell you that the universe is screaming at you. Now I’m going to ask, are you going to listen?”