#the problem is i regret all my academic choices so very much and i don't know what to do about it 🚶‍♀️

[lakemichigans]

i did such thorough research for a character i stole her job

[thepixelelf]

hiii thank you for the advice ursa!! as for the situation I’ll tell you about it.

It’s about my older sister more than anyone else in my family. When I say like I have to work my schedule even life around hers I truly do mean it. I basically didn’t get to choose the program of study i originally wanted bc it was an hour away and since she was going to start her externship before I did, she thought it was inconvenient for me to do that bc she needs someone to drop off & pick up my nephew from school. This part I get a bit yk but it’s just unfair to me bc now I’m being forced to study something I didn’t want in the first place. I talked to her about this before but she always says the same thing “it’s too far I think you should stick to the program that’s 20 minutes away instead.” This is a huge reason why I don’t want to/ I’m scared to speak up for myself bc I feel like my feelings don’t matter. And not to mention I’ve been putting off all of the perquisite courses that I have to take in person because of her as well. I could’ve been done with my prereqs a year ago if it wasn’t for her. She thinks my school is far from our house (it’s only like 20 minutes away) but it’s inconvenient for her bc she wants me to take care of my nephew all the time. I’m not even kidding sometimes she’ll go out w my brother in law for hours and she’ll leave my nephew w me. In the rare cases she does take him w her as soon as they get home she’ll make a comment somewhere along the line of “it’s your turn to watch him” like wdym he’s not my child?!!

For the part of my homework, I don’t put off family time just for homework if anything it’s the complete opposite. I usually always put off doing homework because someone needs something and in most cases it’s my older sister. This past May I was really busy doing homework bc it was the last few weeks of school. she would make snarky comments like “you’re doing homework AGAIN” or “oh here we go again, we’re just gonna see you on your laptop all day.” Mind you these were assignments I couldn’t put off. I had 2 papers worth like half of my grade and on top of that a presentation for another class and I also had to study for final exams. Her problem is that she depends on me too much to help her with my nephew. I love him more than anything but sometimes I can’t even enjoy my days or even vacation bc she constantly wants me to watch him. I swear to you there’s times when I take care of him more than she does in a week.

I could keep going on and on about this but they’re all similar situations just in different ways. I guess what I’m saying is that I of course want to have a conversation with her about it but I know she’s going to find a way to turn this on me. If not she’s going to make me feel guilty about even bringing anything up (I know this from past experiences). It’s a very difficult situation and I wish I would stop worrying so much about her feelings instead of mine.

I’m so exhausted and mentally drained but I truly do appreciate you helping me out with this ursa, it means so much. 🩷

I am saying this completely genuinely: switch to your first choice program of study. It is doing no one any good if you are studying something you don't like when you could have an academic career you DO want. If it's possible to make the switch (and I mean possible as in your school lets you, not whether anyone else thinks you shouldn't) I say do it. Better to make the change now rather than regret an entire degree later. To be able to get post secondary education is already an incredible opportunity, and you should be allowed to use it to study what YOU want to study. It's YOUR future, not anyone else's.

If you have trouble justifying/explaining to your family/sister, I'd suggest talking about it like this:

(Using my program/career as a placeholder)

“If I'm going to be a [professional stage manager], then I need to go to this university/college/school and take this [technical theatre stage management] program that they offer.” And back it up with, “This is the field of study I want to work in, and I won't have the career I want if I'm doing the program that is ‘more convenient’.” 

Obviously that alone isn't enough but I can assure you that you can and should take the study program you want to take. Look into what it would be like to transit daily to that 1 hour away school, and at the same time look into dormitories/roommates/on and off campus living for that school. 1 hour away is actually pretty significant, BUT worth it in the long run if you do the work to find what is viable for you.

Please know that I am open to continuing talking with you about this bc I understand that it's not always easy to stand up for yourself (especially in cases of family) and this post might not be enough to fully convince you. I just really think you deserve better and I want you to live the life you wanna live!!

Also— your 4 year old nephew is not your responsibility! As a 22 year old aunt, being available to pick up your nephew from school if one of his parents were suddenly unavailable would be a normal level of favour to do for your sister. Picking him up from school every single day is not. Yes, a 4yo can't be left alone, but either your 28yo sister or 30yo brother in law need to be able to take care of that!!!!! THEY chose to be parents so THEY need to take responsibility. Either they have to figure out a way to pick him up, or they can look into a daycare service or babysitters. You are not a free babysitter!

I understand that living with them gives way to a different dynamic, but think about it this way: if you had 0% input on whether or not this child was going to exist, then you take 0% responsibility for their care. Of course you can offer to help watch this child from time to time, but it never was and never should have been your duty!! Like it's honestly ridiculous for these two grown adults to expect you to watch their child that often! You are still so young!!!!!!!! 22 is legally an adult yes but like!! Barely!!! You're still in school and have so much ahead of you and ugh!!! This made me heated!!

I think a huge part of this is that you need to start believing that your feelings matter, anon, because they really do. Tell anyone else about your situation and they'll tell you the same thing I am. You matter!

[dothewrite]

hello, in-need-of-personal-advice anon here. idk if this will be long or short but I just honestly don't know what to do. I have exams coming up very very very soon, and did absolutely shit all on the three week holiday they gave us. I feel like i'm running at something completely unachievable and that everyone is ahead of me. I have a lot of anxiety issues, and have lately been feeling really just... down? Kinda like i'm sinking and stagnant but at the same time running endlessly

(cont) that’s really the only way i can think of explaining it and at these times, I honestly don’t know what to do. I regret a lot of my decisions, and I just… like how can i forgive myself for terribly wrong things i’ve done, and how can i learn to love myself? It’s seriously driving my insane because my I want to love and care for others like i used to, but now i’m over obsessing over myself instead and i can’t focus on anyone BUT myself. this was kinda all over the place i’m so sorry.. 

it wasn’t all over the place, i got you. it sounds like you’ve got a large, underlying problem that’s splitting up and squeezing itself into the nooks and crannies of what you’re used to having control over, so if you don’t mind me being a little long-winded, i’ll talk you through some stuff. i’m not guaranteeing that anything i’m gonna say isn’t bullshit, but i’ll do my best. it’s gonna be a large response, so i’ll keep things under the cut here. click if you’ve got time to sift through the bulk.

okay. so before you do anything, i want you to know that you’re okay. you’re normal, and you’re definitely not alone. this isn’t fluff i’m typing to make you feel better, it’s the truth. you’re allowed to feel like you’re sinking, stagnant, and drowning. you’ve got to, slowly, forgive yourself for that. it’s ridiculously easy to just hate yourself and let it all end there, and if it’s just self-loathing- that’s okay too. nobody says that you have to like yourself all the time, especially now. just don’t let it lie there.

let’s talk about how you want to care for others like you used to. it used to be easy to hold your temper, right? to stay relatively cheerful about things that would otherwise upset you, to breathe a little lighter and shake your head when people ask if you’re bothered by something? it used to be easier to ask other people questions about their day and mean it, wasn’t it?

don’t care about all that right now. none of it. right now you feel like shit, you need time to get yourself together, to find a path. you’re not obligated in any way to bother about others, as long as you’re not cruel. let your friends know you’re in a rough patch. because, although all i can say is from personal experience, the more you try when you can’t, it’s going to end up worse. you’re not going to get caring for other people right, and you’re not going to get caring for yourself right. it’s not going to last forever, this self-absorption, and you get a pass to fall into it when you need it most.

okay, i guess i’m over the bulk of it. the one big piece of advice i’ve got for you (you can take it however seriously you want, it’s simply a suggestion), is to make decisions. don’t let yourself fall into that pit of trying to make the minutes pass by quicker so you don’t notice them, but try and find pockets of clarity throughout the day to try and make choices. it’ll put some purpose into your days.

now, i’ve flunked classes, i’ve skipped finals, and i’ve turned off the alarm for discussions because i simply didn’t care. if you want to, at the end of the day, still pass your classes, you should start studying now. right now. make a plan, and stick to it. if you don’t give a shit about passing your classes, that’s fine too. don’t even look at your notes, fuck all and enjoy the rest of your holiday. but make sure that you’ve got the rest of your academic year planned out. don’t just give up without any backup plan, because you know you’ll regret it. if you want to take a break from all this damn fighting against academia, heck, go for it. just make sure you know when you’re going to retake the classes you need. it can be next semester, over the summer, in two years’ time- doesn’t matter. i don’t know if you’re enthusiastic about learning, but not everyone’s suited for academia. and that’s fine, because we’re us, and not a hive mind. you feel like you’re being pushed along the flow with everyone that’s struggling to be the top of the class, but if you don’t want to, you don’t need to be. step back, if that’s what you want to do. just keep a clear mind, and don’t let yourself make decisions you know, for sure, you’ll regret in the future. don’t drop out of school if your dream is to be a professor.

also, we’re all stuck with what-ifs. i too, regret how much i didn’t care, which has made my life so much difficult now. it’s hard, but the only advice i can offer you, is to let it go. you’re never going to forget it, and it’s going to haunt you for the rest of your life, but don’t drown in it. you know what- it’s happened already! all that shit you could’ve done, you should’ve done, it’s all passed. didn’t touch a textbook for an entire month? the month’s gone. now, what are you going to do right now? what are you going to do tomorrow? i don’t think you should start with trying to love yourself yet. i think you should start with learning how to let go of that knife, a few hours at a time, and let yourself heal a bit. you just don’t have to hate yourself. that’s the first step. think about how you still have time to be the person you want to be.

final thing: this is the hardest of all, but practice not giving a shit about what anyone else thinks of your progress. we’re all brought up to be so terrified of falling behind, of being mediocre, but when you put it into perspective- you’re aware of what you’re good at, and maybe it’s not getting into harvard. maybe you’re good at pointing out the different colours of leaves, noticing when people’s smiles turn forced, or remembering odd quotes. don’t forget those things. fuck the tide, fuck everyone else. you’ve the rest of your long ass life to live- and one or two years giving yourself time to feel like a worthwhile human being again won’t even make a blip in your timeline. your cousin is the next math genius and gets a yale scholarship at 12? who the fuck cares? you’re going where you want, when you want, and meanwhile, you can enjoy your time trying to paint leaves.

but if getting to college, or high school, or your job asap is your goal, then it’s time to buck up. although i wouldn’t recommend trying to shoot for the stars when you’re feeling so low, focus on where you’ve got to go, and still, let everyone fade past you. don’t compare. your life is your own, and nobody else has to live with the burden of your own brand of anxiety each day.

right, i’m sorry this got really, really long, and hopefully not too preachy. honestly, i usually don’t have this much to say, but your ask really hit me because it’s something i’ve experienced for myself. it was the worst year of my entire life.

i can’t tell you that it’s going to be okay, because it might not be, but the chances are if you make it out the other side, you’re going to be completely different. suffering is the harshest teacher, but at the other end of the tunnel, you’re going to be so much stronger than you were before. don’t forget that.

good luck, and i promise you i’ll be rooting for you over on my side.

[tcportfoliomgj]

Saturday, 5th of June, 2021

"What demon possessed me that I behaved so well? - Henry David Thoreau (1854/2017)

In high school, I wasn't exactly a great student. Or easy, for that matter. Even in primary school, my teacher would call my parents after the first period. During parent-teacher conferences, they would schedule my mom in the last slot, that way they had enough time. I didn't have my diagnosis back then and I was smart enough to keep up without too much trouble. But I did talk back to teachers, especially when I felt they were being unjust. This only got worse in high school.

Before I got my ADHD diagnosis, my high school teachers thought I had ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). I can't blame them, though, especially looking back now. I was very argumentative, I still am, but I'm not always like that. When I felt like things were unfair, I wasn't able to let that go. I had a lot of very authoritarian teachers, who put themselves way above their students. Having authority is one thing, but that doesn't make you more of a person, or a better person, or a more important person. I didn't do well with those kinds of teachers, especially when they also taught a subject that I strongly disliked.

In high school I had a mathematics teacher, let's call him Mr E., who I didn't get along with very well. I never liked math. I wasn't particularly bad at it, but during the first few years of high school I didn't keep up with it very well, so I was behind compared to most students. Mr E. was the kind of teacher that would say things were easy, while I was really struggling with them. We didn't like each other much, and it kept getting worse over the years. It got to the point where he wasn't willing to help me anymore, and I wasn't willing to work anymore. I remember I once missed a class because I was sick and when I asked him to explain something I missed, he said no. He told me to look it up on YouTube and to deal with it myself. I also remember a time where I wasn't willing to do anything, we got into a big argument in front of the whole class and he sent me away. I packed my back, told the class "good luck in here in hell" on my way out and slammed the door shut.

Now, at teachers college, I often joke that I wasn't an exemplary student, but I don't think people realise how difficult I actually was. In my defence, there are still quite some cases I think I was right. I also don't regret standing up for myself against unfair teachers, I just didn't always go about it the right way. There were a lot of incidents in my high school days. I got sent out of class a lot, got a lot of detention and made quite a few enemies. But I wasn't a lost cause, even if Mr E. thought I was. I managed to pass my math exams, even though I stopped attending my math classes during my last year in high school. I was willing to work for teachers who did try their best for me. I loved English, history and art, and the teachers that taught me were very willing to help me, support me and encourage me. They challenged me and engaged me, and so I was very much willing to put in the effort and go the extra mile for them. I felt seen by them and that's all I really wanted, especially during those years in my life.

Mr E. wasn't the only teacher I had a rocky relationship with. My economics teacher, Mr B., didn't exactly get along with me either. He often got angry with me in front of the whole class when I forgot my books and notebooks. This happened a lot. I felt very humiliated, but I turned that into anger and frustration. He knew about my diagnosis and when I tried to explain to him that I really tried not to forget my things, he told me he understood but that I shouldn't forget them anymore. It infuriated me. I didn't feel understood, or seen or acknowledged. As an angsty teen who was dealing with depression on top of her ADHD, it was really hard.

I think almost everyone knows that I struggled with math this year as well and I will admit, I was part of the problem. However, I didn't plan on things turning out like this. As I mentioned before, I struggle with mathematics because there's a lot of gaps in my knowledge. The math classes here at TC and the PABO is mostly about teaching math and not so much about the math itself. It makes it interesting, but also difficult. Because how do you teach a subject you don't fully understand? Or maybe even barely understand? Janneke and Danny would talk about some math exercises for primary schoolers and I would struggle with them. They would say something along the lines of "they're being taught this in group 5" or "it's pretty easy", and in those moments I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. Because I didn't understand, because I struggled, because I felt really stupid. I didn't ask for help, that's definitely my fault, but I also didn't feel very encouraged to ask for help. Lots of students asked questions by sending them emails, and it often happened that Janneke and Danny didn't respond. I was frustrated, but I did try, even though everyone thinks I didn't.

I was at almost every lecture, which is the bare minimum, I know, but something that was actually very hard for me considering being there made me feel quite insecure. I tried to do the assignments. One of the first big assignments was the one where we had to give our own students some math questions without explaining anything to them. Afterwards, we'd have to analyse them. Giving the questions to my students wasn't hard and I didn't mind doing it, seeing some of their answers was really interesting and fun even (appendix 5). When I had to analyse them, however, I began to struggle. I don't hate math, but what frustrates me is that the class isn't very accessible. If you struggle with mathematics, the class will be really challenging.

One of the basic human needs is autonomy (Ryan & Deci, 2002, in Stevens & Bors, 2013, p. 73). However, in a way, autonomy can be seen as a paradox. If you tell a student to be independent and autonomous, and they obey, then they are in fact not being autonomous because they're doing what you told them to do. However, if they do not comply, they continue to be dependent on you. Mariani (1997) approached this subject very well and explains how teachers can promote autonomy. He explains that we need to challenge our students in order to answer their need for autonomy. We support them in order to answer their need for dependence. He then puts this in a framework.

Figure 2. Teaching Style Framework (Mariani, 1997)

The level of autonomy and dependence need to be balanced. A high level of challenge with a low level of support should be avoided. He recalls a moment where he experienced this himself and explains that "the result [...] was anxiety, insecurity, discomfort, and even aggressiveness - not to mention the long-term effect on my self-confidence" (Mariani, 1997). The ideal is a situation with a high level of challenge combined with a high level of support, this way we can create the zone of proximal development (Mariani, 1997). During the math classes, I find myself facing a high level of challenge with a lack of support, and later I discovered I wasn't alone.

I made the decision to not do the math assignments. First of all, I think the subject isn't relevant for quite a lot of students. When I asked my coach why we had math in the first place, she answered that it was mandatory because teachers college is part of the PABO. This isn't very motivating because knowing that it's mandatory doesn't explain why it is. Second of all, this tells us that it is in fact not very relevant for the students who know that they want to continue high school education instead of primary education. I was also told that they scaled up math since last academic year. This is because students in the craftsman phase were lacking knowledge and struggling. Again, this is not very relevant for the students who choose high school education. I understand that I made a choice to do TC, which means experience both levels of education, but we have a significantly high amount of math classes compared to a lot of other subjects.

Secondly, I think the way math is taught isn't in line with teachers college. This also relates to Mariani's framework. At TC we are taught to be better teachers, to support and motivate our students and to be open-minded. Our teachers also play a part in this. What I experience is that the teachers within the core team practice what they preach. I feel like my basic needs are met. I don't feel the same about math and I decided to create a survey (appendix 6). I asked TC students (of all years) to fill it in and 19 of them did. It's not a lot, so maybe not representative for all TC students, but I decided to stop promoting the survey when it caused some commotion (rumours were being spread that it was a survey to get rid of math altogether). But the results of the survey are still very interesting.

Seven out of nineteen students were TC1 students, the other twelve are TC2 or above. Almost all the higher years indicate that they didn't have any assignments or had small ones, but none that involved their internship or took multiple weeks to finish. Nine out of twelve higher years claim that they didn't experience math as stressful at all. Two students found the classes useful. Only one student felt like they had learned something, a few students are neutral in this, but most claim not to have learned much. Most higher years say they do not remember the theory that was taught to them, indicating that the classes weren't even lasting. When asked if they had further comments, many of them said they didn't find the classes meaningful, that they didn't see the value or that they don't remember much from the classes at all. It is clear that they were in one of the low challenge zones, making it either too easy (a low challenge with high support levels) or boring (a low challenge with low support levels).

Now if we take a look at the TC1 students, the answers shift. When asked what kind of assignments they had, they all answer with big assignments that stretched over multiple weeks as well as in-class assignments and presentation. On top of that, it is mandatory for the portfolio (this wasn't the case for the higher years). Five out of seven students experienced the workload as high, the other two were neutral. Six students claim they experienced stress, one is neutral. Some of them do claim to have learned something, or that they experienced it as useful, but I think it's important to remember that for TC1, my year, it is mandatory for our portfolio and so there's more at stake. The workload that TC1 experienced indicated that we're in the high challenge zones. The stress experienced indicated a lack of support, putting us in the anxiety zone.

What did we, as students, do to change this? At first, not a lot, at least not as a collective effort. I know a lot of students email Janneke and Danny with questions or stayed behind after online class but often didn't get answers or help. They experienced low support. When we did come forward as a class, some of us still did not feel seen, or heard. We had a conversation with Janneke and Danny and I experienced it as very frustrating. Just like Mariani (1997), I experienced anxiety, discomfort, insecurity and a level of aggression, the same way I did in high school with Mr E. and Mr B. I felt ready to throw my stuff into my bag and walk out of that room, but I didn't.

Maybe it's closed-minded to not do the math assignments, maybe it even shows a level of disrespect. At the end of the day, I passed my mandatory math test (wiscat) (appendix 7), I learned and did just as much as the students last year (who also passed math) and I refuse to be put in a zone of anxiety when I'm learning, especially when I'm learning how to be a supportive teacher myself.

🎵 ZITTI E BUONI - Måneskin