#the part where getting a new pet hasn't been exciting it's just been stress after stress

[monty-glasses-roxy]

Oh ya know, most of my ideas feeling tired and boring is probably because I haven't like. Just chilled and done whatever for a while. Been stressing over this gecko and am not likely to get to stop doing that until after the health check. Thankfully there's not as much to do now, but it still feels like a lot to do.

[sargassos]

I've been avoiding doing this, cause I'm not the best at sharing, and cause its the suckiest life update ever. Obviously, this is not an art post.

I'm gonna make a short thread of photos out of this, so, hope im doing this part right, but CW: animal death, pet death ahead, in case you dont block those tags already.

Just under 8 years ago, I adopted the best dogo I have ever known. We had ranch dogs when I was a kid, so I've had a LOT of dogs; Tsavo was something super special. I mean, kid leash trained himself an hour after I adopted him. He had zero trouble learning new things, from go.

He was great with our other animals, tho he ate my favorite feather pillow and carried my not yet planted flowers around like a trophy.

And he was tiny tiny when he first came home; I was told he wouldn't get very big (i did not believe them one bit.)

Apparently neither did he. In fact he took it as a challenge. He capped out at 102 pounds at his peak, and healthy. He was a hiker, a camper, and a lake dog (tho he didn't swim well. Imagine, a lab who can't swim??)

He would sit with me when I was gardening, hang out in the garage when we were working, would lay around and watch the chickens...his second name was "In-The-Way", but in a good way.

He even helped fetch tools when we were working (nothing sharp or too heavy, he knew his limits)

He was always patient with us taking photos (of which there were so. Very. Many.)

In spite of my best attempts to socialize him, he never did quite get the whole, personal space & canine body language thing. But luckily he made friends pretty easily.

Which was helpful when we brought home a kitten who decided "slow introduction" was too slow for him.

He was an all season idiot, and made everyone happy with his persistence in fetching items when requested; bags, tools, shoes (matching pairs!)...And if he didn't know the item you were requesting by name, he would bring you every single sock he could find to make up for it.

He helped me come down when I came home in tears from work, when I was stressed from a nightmare, or if i woke up in a panic after an episode if sleep paralysis.

He was, inequivically, the absolute best dogs I've ever known, and could have asked for.

Now the sad part. I posted recently on Twitter that Tsavo hasn't been doing great. He developed a limp in late October. I took him to work for a checkup.

We thought it was a torn mcl, that would heal. It might not even need surgery, since his xrays weren't showing much.

We were wrong. It was cancer. And by the time we realized it, it had already spread from his leg into his chest.

I was not mentally prepared for how fast everything went downhill from there, but given the tone of this post, and the censor, I suppose its obvious where this goes.

He stopped eating. He couldn't get comfortable, even with pain meds. His leg seemed dead and cold below the knee, and he started coughing only days after we got the results back.

We opted to euthanize Tsavo last Thursday, the 1st of the month.

I am very very not ok right now.

I'll get another dog. I know I will, I've proven in the past I dont like not having one around. I love dogs. I'm going to meet one this weekend. I feel selfish being excited when I'm still this broken, but this last month has been a nightmare in itself, so I want to be happy too.

But I firmly believe getting a new pet is never a replacement for an old one. And it couldn't be anyways. There will never be another Tsavo like my great, amazing boy was.

I can never be grateful enough for what this big, stupid, idiot goofball brought to my life.

And im just as grateful for my friends, who have been helping me deal with this for over a month now.

I love this dog, with my whole heart and everything I have, and I will miss him forever.

He really was the bestest best boy ❤

[morethanmeetstheass]

alright, let's do the lowdown of "where the fuck has suna been all this time." probably gonna be long so ill put a keep reading, but tldr: life got bad, life got better, im working on existing in fandom space again

SO. i cant remember the last time i posted, so let's start at where shit went bad. 2020 baby, the rona hit, i graduated college virtually, lost my job, and ended up having to move to another state bc new jobs were so hard to come by. started anew down here in maryland, though a little worse for wear bc i went from living with my 4 best friends to having exactly 0 friends. very isolating, no fun. got cats, one of them died, so that didn't help at all.

fandom-wise, iacon online was both a huge benefit in my life and a huge pain. a lot of stress and misery went into that convention, but a whole lot of good came from running it. i ended up getting the chance to do 3 covers for idw, which was a massive blessing. became friends with multiple members of the cybertronic spree, made new friends with other organizers, got to accidentally roast james roberts to his face.

but it was also very stressful, and admittedly, my love for transformers did a huge swell and then took a big hit. i spiraled into a weird pit of having no interest in anything, lost interest in writing my fic, and started exploring other parts of my life. especially when idw lost the license to transformers, because fuck, now if i want to do covers again, i gotta make MORE connections. i was just very tired and burnt out. started hating all my artwork and despising how i was drawing for validation instead of passion.

sort of accidentally became a prominent creator on tik tok, so i got to explore other parts of my life that got lost in the transformers shuffle. got a new job working remotely, adopted another cat, things were looking up. then my apartment had a fire and i spiraled again, even worse. my mental health still hasn't recovered. it is a miracle that my belongings, health, and pets were ok, but i didnt even feel safe in my own home anymore. still struggling with it almost a year later, even in a new apartment. its been hard.

but i was shuffling on spotify today and stumbled onto my blitzbee playlist, and i got a little twinge in my tummy. i miss transformers. i dont miss being completely consumed by it, but i want to reintroduce myself to the fandom, start making mecha art again, as well as other art.

and i swear on my life, i WILL finish my fic. even after all this time, i still read all the comments i get on roe, on aufn, and especially kwz. i see how many of you want me to finish it, and i want to too. and i will. itll just take me some time to reintroduce myself to the fandom, to get comfortable with creating out of a place of love rather than out of a place of need for external validation. roe was a passion project, and its so clear with how much it was loved. it was good bc it was made out of a place of excitement, out of me genuinely wanting to share the story, not just wanting the likes and kudos. and im feeling that passion again. not 100% just yet, but i am.

so yeah, thats the deal. life has settled. still suffering with post traumatic stress from the fire and trying to feel safe in my space again, but im improving. im finding love for transformers again. im finding love for a lot of things again, and i dont want to box myself into one passion or the other. im a lot of things and i want to give myself space to love all of the things that i love. and robots are one of those things, but not the only one.

blitzbee forever. i will die a dirty bee kinnie and a blitzy simp.