#the oh well obviously you know THIs classics... because I don't lol I was fully listening to other stuff then and am now getting to catch u

[statementlou]

this is really fucking random Bander, but what type of music do you like/listen to and are you open to music recs?

we love a random question!! At this exact moment in time, mostly indie rock/ indie pop/ brit pop, emphasis on the rock rather than like singer songwriter stuff; I'm old enough that I've been through phases of all sorts of things that I still have in there as stuff I also like, from 50s R&B to classical to glam rock but my history and baseline is punk music of all kinds cause that was my whole world for most of my life. Coming from that grounding, the constant for me is that the music/ instrumentation is what I really respond to, or using the vocal as an instrument, I'm not usually grabbed by like simple melody pop that's just a straightforward vocal and nothing else. I love finding new music but also get stressed about music recs because I feel bad when I don't like things people are excited about or want me to like and I don't know what to say 😫but I do like finding new things to listen to!! (and I find most of the recent stuff I like through fandom one way or another and love that.) So like.. yes?? but without a need to be like I love it! about everything maybe but yeah hit me lets hear it

[fleetwooded]

omg i feel you re: that story about your aunt. whenever anyone brings up something i'm a fan of out in the wild i feel so embarrassed even if they don't know

lol yeah for me it is so varied depending on the situation/person. i think it comes down to many of us still feeling that fandom is something to be ashamed of - it has not yet lost its associations with frivolity and screaming fangirls. i love frivolity and i love screaming fangirls, but despite myself i still feel a deep shame about my participation in fandom. 

obviously on some level i want to talk about the things i love ALL THE TIME to ANYONE who will listen. but because of that shame i subconsciously monitor how i talk about those things in each interaction. there’s a million little factors - how popular is the thing i’m talking about, does the person i’m talking to know about the thing already or if they don’t can i safely assume they would like it, can i confidently defend the thing if they don’t like it or think it’s dumb, is it normal to know as much as i know about the thing, etc etc.

for example i am COMPLETELY unabashed about loving harry/one direction. i will talk about him and the band for ages whenever it comes up in conversation, even on one occasion on a first date. the reasons for this: they are incredibly popular, so i can reasonably assume that the person i’m talking to has some familiarity with them. many people my age are fans on some level already, or could easily be convinced to be fans. i have a very practiced argument in favour of both harry and the band in my back pocket, so i know i can sway almost anyone if they initially think it’s dumb. and so many people are fans that it doesn’t come off as crazy that i know so much about harry styles or am willing to fly to LA to see him in concert or etc etc. 

on the other hand. whenever one of my more niche interests is brought up, i want to DIE!! it’s an instant panic, flight or fight, i care too much and i’m about to be found out kind of feeling. why would i know so much about british soap opera emmerdale! why would i care so much about niche tv show the magicians! WHY would i know everything about the personal lives of podcast hosts and journalists! it’s fully irrational but i feel exactly how i would feel if someone were to find my tumblr. EXPOSED and vulnerable and absolutely mortified.

tbh what i think is underneath it is some good old residual queer shame. i feel this feeling about queer books/movies as well - if anyone were to find out that i seek out gay love stories, they’ll KNOW something about me that they can’t be allowed to know. what is that thing?? IDK! maybe it’s just a leftover feeling from being in the closet. maybe it’s that i don’t care if people know that i’m a lesbian, but i can’t stand the thought of them knowing that i fall in love with girls and that i have sex with girls. fandom is so inextricable from queerness for me - my engagement with fandom has always begun and ended with gay love. so it’s like a nice little layer cake, the classic fangirl shame with extra lesbian shame icing. 

i would LOVE to be able to somehow work through that shame and be free of the feelings of panic and mortification. they really are irrational!! no person outside of fandom is going to make the logical jump from “oh you really like this political podcast” to “you’re a crazy fangirl who wants the podcast hosts to have sex with each other.” but who knows how to convince ourselves of that!!