#the mood recently has been 'need to listen to songs i dont understand only' clearly....

[silenceismychoir]

i was tagged by @gianniisantetokounmpo to post my current top 5 songs (in no order) - thanks for the tag!! 💕💕

cette vie – dj flextouch, soolking

askim – soolking, reynmen

jini – oualid, f1rstman

j'me tire – gims

kua kore he kupu / soaked – benee

im gonna tag anyone who sees this and wishes to do it!!💜

[onelastlace]

An open letter

Dear lover that almost was but wasn’t,

We were off to a good start, but we did move quickly in the beginning. It was partially my fault I will admit. I shouldn’t have kissed you that way the first or the second time. We talked and things slowed down to a manageable pace I’d believe. Kisses on the cheek and I asked every time if I could kiss and hug you. I was in a heart eyed state and couldn’t get any happier. I stayed up late because I enjoyed talking to you. No one had spoiled me with compliments and a love so sweet it could have given me cavities. You respected my boundaries knowing I couldn’t actually date. You seemed like the one person that would wait for that time to roll around. You never took advantage of that and I was so happy you were a different experience. Months went by and you were still present and showering me with admiration.

You were the first person I fully opened up to about things that happened in the past. All my regrets and mistakes that are permanently engraved in my memories. Not only did you listen, you gave back the same amount of energy. You showed me I wasn’t alone although our difficulties were different. You showed me something I think is very sacred and that moment made me want to keep you forever. Many more interesting conversations happened from then on and it was wonderful.

Then that whole situation happened. To be fairly honest, I thought I was going to lose you to circumstance. I thought everything I’d come to appreciate would be gone forever. I thought you were a liar through all of it. But then you gave another part of yourself to me and I felt guilty for being so selfish. For thinking I was the problem, but I didn’t know until you told me. Then I thought I was being annoying. I wanted to be a part of your life but I wasn’t allowed to because I couldn’t actually spend time with you.

I started to get jealous of the love you had for that girl. I felt used still. You couldn’t have her so it felt like you just settled. That’s the resolve I reached after you shut me out once again. I knew you were depressed and still in pain, but you still wanted her no matter what you said. I didn’t know how I fit into your life anymore. I always asked if we were friends but you’d never respond. You never gave me an answer to just that question. It’s all I wanted to know, was I a friend or just a naive convenience? I knew I was right from the start when I had asked you what would happen if a friend of yours had a crush on you and I was still around.

Then you got better. Conversations were still spotty and you gave me attitude all the time but I still stayed. I became bitter and depressed. I was heart broken. I was still feeling stupid for caring so much about someone and giving away so much of myself only to be rejected later. I felt like I messed up by saying anything. To expose so much of who I am and then be shunned spun everything out of control for me. You started to post about feeling used and unappreciated. About how you’d never find someone to love you or prioritize you. How you’d be alone forever.

You got even better. Found a replacement for her. But you still wanted her. You wanted both old and new. But I wasn’t either of those. Where do I fit in again? I still didn’t know. Was your intention to hurt me with every word you said? This new girl had a closer relationship with you. Fair, you all were friends prior and have the same classes and schoolwork. Fair that she was pregnant and the baby’s father wasnt worth shit. Still didn’t make me any less bitter. I wanted to not be confused. She was nice enough and she was pretty, but why did you feel the need to ask me what I thought about her.

Then you later tell me you love her. Correction: you have love for her. I try to show interest instead of acting wicked. I ask about the child, her, and how your relationship with all that will work out. You told me he’d be your nephew. You said he’d call you uncle. I knew that wasn’t true. I told you you’d fall in love with that baby “Daddy”. I knew you’d love your “son” more than anything. But I refused to be bitter towards a child who didn’t ask to be brought into this world under those circumstances. I refused to be jealous over a woman who you’re not dating or romantically involved with. But, you do things that make it difficult. You did things that made you seem like a lot of what you told me was a lie just so you could get close to me. Then you continue to vague post on media outlets that you feel rejected, lonely, and unappreciated. That clearly made me feel wonderful. I thought I was doing an alright job with what I could. I guess it wasn’t the case.

Yes, I had decided to be bitter. Yes, I thought it’d be the best option for me. It clearly wasn’t. People got hurt and I lost your trust. You said you’d no longer have my back which was a big wake-up call about my attitude. It pushed me to be aware of what I was doing and be more positive. There were several times in the course of months where I wanted to hurt myself, but I thought of how that caused my last relationship to play out. Instead, I found healthier ways to cope with stress and all the negative emotions. I became happier and more social. I found out who used to hate me but they now enjoy my presence. I’m not a bitch to them. My attitude did suck, but I’ve worked to improve upon it. I tried my hardest to not speak negatively on anyones name. Especially yours. I had done so originally out of bitterness and anger. I hold my tongue now and I dont take things too seriously.

Things were going amazingly. Although you rarely worked, I was losing my attachment to you. I was becoming a more open, wonderful person. I let your attitudes slide past me. I didn’t read into what you were doing. Nothing you could do made me upset. Then you came back. Your son was born and I could feel the negativity coming back in. You continued to talk so much about this girl and your son. I still didn’t speak on it because it wasn’t my business. I’m happy for the joy you received but the news didn’t exactly apply to me. I couldn’t understand how I could be happy for someone that has a more defined role in your life. And now there was a more apparent (pun) bond holding you two together.

More time goes by. You’re acting out on snapchat posting less about feeling lonely. You still weren’t talking to me all too often and I was actually okay with that. Then you kept sending pictures of your baby mama. Why would you do such a thing? Were you trying to show me that that’s who you wanted instead? That thats who was going to get all your time. I didn’t understand and I was hurt again. You kept posting her and showing how much you love her. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt not enough. It felt like I failed again.

So I lost more feelings. I was just floating through life and taking whatever came at me. Life was okay I’d say.

I got permission to date and I thought you’d be all over that. Or at least a little interested. I was definitely wrong about that.

I don’t know what to say. We did those things in your car that I in no way regret. I wanted to do those things and I still want to. But it’s for the best that I hold myself back no matter how much it crosses my mind. I wanted to make you genuinely happy for once. I dont know if it worked. I didn’t want you to do the same because it would have been too intimate. I love you, but you don’t love me so that part of myself is for myself. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s to preserve something in myself at least. I did enjoy messing around, but it got difficult knowing that I’m going into it with feelings and it seems you’re just going into it with only hormones. I don’t know what’s on your mind. You just say it’s a lot so I don’t dig deeper. I tried not to be one of the crazy stalker girlfriends you see posted on instagram. I did fall into that trap for a little bit.

Now very recently, you’ve begun to be kinder. You’ve become more playful again. You’ve come back a little bit to what used to be. I missed what used to be. But things happened for me to keep myself guarded. What if you switch up again because you proved that you can. You proved that you have the ability to break my heart although you said you weren’t a heart breaker. Funny story, everyone I dated(ish) said that and they all left. But pettiness aside, how do i know it’s genuine? I still don’t know what you’re thinking or your plans anymore. I don’t ask because you didn’t feel the need to open up the last few months, so it’d make sense I’d lower my curiousity. You said we can’t go back to being just friends, but were we ever really?

You’re always in a good mood when you post yourself singing on snap. Strange enough, they’re love type songs or the specific set of lyrics involve being in it with someone. I could be reading too far into it because I’m still blinded by someone I used to call my favorite person. I used to love talking about how attractive and sweet you are, but now I feel like a damn fool. Actually, no I don’t. That was months ago.

I love you so much, but I don’t even know where we stand. I want to say we’re friends, but do you even see us that way? Am I just your coworker? Am I just some bitch who gave you head in the dark? Am I just one of your lil hoes you have blowing up your phone? I don’t think you’d see me in that way, but I don’t know what you think of me anymore. I didn’t move on as fast as you think because im still stuck on you. I still can see something more. If anything, you’re the one who moved on quickly and left me behind. But again, only you know what you’re thinking.

-still confused

P.S. there are many things I do love about you that make you more attractive in my eyes. I love that you’re helpful, you’re funny, you enjoy things usually considered nerdy, you sing even when you know you can’t, you stay determined and motivated, and you share with me things that most people don’t know about you. It makes me feel special, but still uncertain. Things are returning the way they were and I like that, but I'm also apprehensive. It'll take a lot more work this time. It’d be nice to continue loving you and doing so more openly but I will respect and honor whatever decision we come out to.