#the man is such a complex mess of utter self loathing idk what his thought process even is at this point lol.

[silentprincess100]

I wrote a Takaritsu fan-fic or something

I know this isn’t really the place to post it. IDK lol.

FINALLY after loitering about the fandom for long-enough.

Summary:

Ritsu wakes up the morning after he confesses to Takano and reflects on the nature of their relationship and what drew him to Takano both then and now.

Inspired by the line: “There is something that can’t be said to completely belong to then but also can’t be said to completely belong to now that is blossoming inside my chest” from Onodera ritsu no baai chapter 27. I might have translated it wrong, but I like the idea of it.

Onodera Ritsu was staring at the inside of his eyelids.

He could see the orange glow of the morning sunlight waiting on the other side. But he didn’t want to wake up yet.

Especially after what he had done last night.

He had done it. He had really done it. He had confessed to Takano-San.

He groaned aloud and flopped over on e bed, pulling his pillow over the back of this head.

He had known for a lot time that this was what he had to do, that this was what he was going to do. Of course it was Takano-San. Deep down, he had known it had always been Takano-San, had known it was always going to be Takano-San.

But the confession had had to come on his own terms. He wasn’t some naïve, giddy teenager anymore, but an adult with his own circumstances, riddled with the scars and defenses ones inevitably gets from being alive for 27 years (ok, twenty-six and some). He was old enough, mature enough to realize that not hating someone is not the same thing as loving them (ahem, Takano San), and that lust was also not the same thing as love (also looking at you, Takano-San). Love was something more complex altogether; it was messy and complicated and it took time and trust, and it couldn’t be just forced by simply saying I love you. After all, the two of them had had a really nasty breakup which ended up hurting both of them deeply. No one in their right mind could expect them bounce back from something like that as if nothing had happened.

For better or for worse then, their breakup and the aftermath had become a part of what shaped him. And if Takano-San couldn’t accept him for who he was now, then this was never going to work.

He hadn’t fallen in love with Takano-San simply because he had loved him then. What kind of a moron jumps to falls in love again with someone who broke their heart, someone they had spent 10 years trying to forget? He wasn’t born yesterday. What he liked about Takano-San, what he admired about Takano-San, was his ability to so valiantly hide his vulnerability behind his rough exterior, his utter calmness and self-possessed assurance in the face of chaos (whether it be the end of the cycle or hard-ball negotiating at the board room table with Yokozawa and the others), and his easy confidence in his own abilities.

But, of course, his competence warranted such confidence - and watching him do every day what he was good at was ... sexy, although Ritsu was loathe to admit that to the mega-ace super-talented ultra-editor - anymore than he already had, of course. In other words, Takano-San could do exactly what Ritsu so longed to do - be effortlessly put-together, smooth, cool, and confident. And unlike Ritsu who felt crippled by his anxieties about his family, about (possibly) inheriting Onodera Shuppan, about keeping up with work every day, Takano was able to just be in and enjoy the moment. Whereas Takano was the duck, smoothly gliding across the water, Ritsu was the feet, desperately flailing awkwardly around, so obvious and frank in its struggle to stay above the water. How appropriate also that Ritsu would be the feet of this relationship. He let out another long-suffering groan.

He had to admit, part of what he liked about Takano-San was how much Takano-San liked him, despite how much of a mess he was. Heck, he believes and likes me so much more than I like myself, Ritsu thought to himself with a dry laugh. But in all seriousness, it felt good to have someone believe in you even when- no, especially when - you didn’t believe in yourself.

And he loved the dedication Takano brought to his work. Behind his mask of confidence a Takano’s-san also worked his butt off. The feeling that everything had to be just perfect was something that Ritsu could 100% relate to, even if he wasn’t nearly as close as Takano-San to achieving it.

And yet, he had to admit that there was a undeniable part of their past in their relationship. For instance, his love of books. And the way they could talk about their favorite authors for hours. That passion for reading everything under the sun, as well as that thoughtful, withdrawn nature was what had drawn Ritsu to him initially. He still found that attractive as hell.

And something like a childlike idolization still lingered in his feelings for Takano-san. No matter how many times he tried to convince himself otherwise, it was true that he was, after all this time, still chasing after Takano-san, stubbornly clinging to a childhood crush. Takano-san had also been his first, after all (in so many ways.)

Like he had said before their relationship, his interest in Takano-San was something that could not be said to completely belong to now. Yet it also could not be said to completely belong to then either.

So while he hadn’t fallen in love with Takano-San simply because of what had happened in the past, he also couldn’t say it it wasn’t also because of what had happened in the past that they were where they are now. Or it wasn’t not because of what had happened that he felt so strongly about him. Or it wasn’t not not...?

Ughh it was complicated.

With another groan, he flipped over and finally opened his eyes, letting the sunlight flood in. He rubbed at them a couple times as his eyes adjusted to the light.

Takano-san’s room had the same layout as his own, only it was 1000 percent neater. He hadn’t expected Takano-San to be so particular about where he kept his stuff, to be so bare-bones, monastic aesthetic. But in a way it suited him. To allow himself the control he likes over everything and everyone else in his life. Not that he’d ever admit Takano-San had any control over him or his life - though it had been embarrassingly clear to him for a long time now that of course he did. Looking around at Takano-San’s few possessions, he felt an unprecedented calm settle over him.

He wouldn’t mind waking up here every day. No, he wouldn’t mind at all. But he didn’t want to disclose that to Takano-San just yet. Love was one thing, but moving in together was - whoaaa way too fast. Maybe, he mused, they would keep both of their apartments and just like alternate or something like that. Yeah, that’s it. Alternating. As much as he loved Takano (wow, it really was a load off not to have to have an internal battle royale with himself every time he thought about Takano - which was a lot) he hated change.

He sat up, rolled out of bed and toed on some pants that were lying around after their - ahem - activities of the previous night. Takano had laid out a shirt for him since his other one was in the wash (for reasons that made him blush furiously).

He slipped into the bathroom to brush his teeth and freshen up - he would be damned if Takano-San tried to kiss him again when he had morning breath (honestly this had happened more times than he wanted to admit) - and got ready to face the music. But just as he was about to step into the living room, his courage faltered.

How was he expected to face this man he now loved? It wasn’t like one teary confession and he would become a lovey dovey person destined to live happily ever after. He still had his pride - damnit! What did Takano-San expect after all- for him to fall all over him fawning and subservient and lovey-dovey? Please!

But. that still left the question of how to act now. Should he be extra short with him? Show him his place and not let him get too smug in his newfound knowledge that, yes, Onodera did love him back?

He didn’t get a chance to answer that question.

“You know I can see you standing there. What are you doing?” He heard the rumble of Takano-san’s just woken up voice. He furiously blushed.

“I know that,” Ritsu snapped back, but without much vitriol. “I am just.. thinking about my day that’s all.”

But when Ritsu walked in, and saw Takano sitting on the bookshelf nursing a cup of coffee, he wasn’t as lecture-y or condescending as he usually is. Rather he had such an adoring, amused look on his face that stopped Ritsu in his tracks for a moment.

“And what do you plan to do?” Takano blew softly on his coffee, never letting his eyes leave Ritsu.

“I’m ... I’m not sure yet.” Ritsu walked awkwardly and mechanically into the kitchen. He picked up a mug like a robot and jerkily poured some of the coffee left in the pot.

“You know you’re acting super weird, right now, right?”

“Well, sorry if my presence bothers you so much,” Ritsu bristled.

“On the contrary...” Unknowingly to him, Takano had slipped off his perch and sidled up against him. “I made you breakfast.” His voice was low and warm.

“Thanks...” Ritsu said awkwardly, glancing sidelong purposefully refusing Takano’s love-filled gaze. But Takano reached over and grazed his fingers along his cheek and gently turned his chin towards him.

“Um!” Ritsu jumped back instinctively.

Takano wavered for a split second - anyone who didn’t know him as well as Ritsu wouldn’t have even noticed - but then stepped in to close the distance between them and dipped his lips to meet Ritsu’s. Ritsu tensed a moment before giving into the affection.

Takano brought his hands up to cup Ritsu’s face as he deepened the kiss. His fingers stroked along Ritsu’s cheek lovingly, and Ritsu felt weird, as it always was when Takano was overly loving and gentle. Ritsu couldn’t help but pull away for a second.

“Ah- Takano-san...” He faltered.

He suddenly remembered their discussion of names last night. They were both close and Ritsu had had his legs locked around Takano’s waist, letting loose cries of “Takano-San” and “ah!!” Takano had silenced him with a kiss and then whispered low and deep in his ear - “No Takano-San, Masamune.” And Ritsu had been so gone as to whimper “Masamune” over and over like a prayer.

Thinking of this memory, Ritsu blushed furiously and felt very, very warm. He put up a hand to stave off Takano’s morning advances.

“Don’t you think we should — er...” he hesitated. 

“What do you want, Ritsu?” Takano-San tucked a stray hair behind his ears.

He didn’t really feel like he wanted to call him Masamune though. For him, the name Takano-San symbolized his newfound relationship with this man - something that was different than the one he had had with Saga-sempai. Plus, calling him Masamune would remind him of being jealous of Yokozawa in the early days of their dalliances.

But Takano-San didn’t bring up the name thing like Ritsu thought he would, rather ruffled his hair and said, “C’mon, let’s go eat.”

Ritsu managed a mild glare at the patronizing behavior, reaching up to fix his hair immediately.

Takano-San was already in the kitchen finalizing their dishes. Ritsu watched him from afar, watched his lean but muscular arms reach to put out the plates, his slightly missed raven hair, his strong hands. Takano-San really was the most beautiful man he had ever met. Ritsu wouldn’t have minded just sitting here watching all day.

The two of them - they worked. Ritsu’s frantic, blustering energy with Takano’s cool confidence. In different ways, both of them wore their hearts on their sleeves. And they already knew so much about each other’s pasts and quirks. Ritsu could imagine doing this, waking up to breakfast from Takano every day for the rest of his life. He would never tell Takano-san that, but he could allow himself the fantasy.

Maybe it was complex. And yet at the same time maybe it was incredibly simple. The two of them, as they were now, were an imperfectly perfect product of both their past and their more recent experiences. A mosaic of old and new, for better or for worse.

Maybe it was precisely that, Ritsu thought, smiling softly, which made all the difference.