#the joke was not 'ooh scandalous a shoulder' the joke was hes doing. a strip tease.

[stemmmm]

getting a brutal reminder of how young fandom demographics skew with the number of hall monitor ass comments im getting on that last thing i drew

[darkisucksanditwrites]

The right choice to make.

I wrote this months ago and never posted it lmao. this is silly but i always wanted to write a fic about dating show. this was fun but it’s also not the best but eh. have some lame attempt at humor and bad jokes, sprinkled with fluff. it is also for a discord au fluff bingo. if you want the template message me~

Recalling how he got dragged into this will be a pain.

“Psst! Kagamicchi! Don’t slouch!”

Taiga dropped his hand from his face and looked to the right. Kise was giving him disapproving side eyes while looking ridiculous in his designer hat.

Taiga glared at him, but sat up straight in his chair.

Kise nodded and looked past Taiga.

“You too Aominecchi! The show will start in a moment!”

“Shut up Kise.” Aomine drawled, not bothering to look up from where he was playing on his smartphone. Kise pouted and Taiga felt another wave of migraine coming up.

“Why the hell I am here?”

“It’s for –“

“Charity yes I know.” Taiga interrupted them both. “I’m wondering why I’m here.”

“Well…” Kise made himself more comfortable in his high chair. “The deadline was near and you were free so…”

“So, I had no say in this, it’s what you’re saying.”

“Basically.” Kise beamed.

Taiga sighed.

“Okay, but you have other friends who could have done it. Who could have been better at this.”

“Aw. Kagamicchi.” Kise patted him on the shoulder. “Please don’t put yourself down so much. You make a great catch.”

Aomine snorted and Taiga didn’t know at which asshole to glare first.

“Besides, like I said. It’s just for charity and it’s supposed to be fun. You don’t have to marry them or anything like that.” He shrugged.

“As if I would.” Taiga grumbled.

“Shh. It’s starting!”

The curtain, behind which they were sitting, pulled up slowly and they were greeted with an applause.

A booming voice and sudden music came from the speakers and Taiga jumped in his seat and swore loudly. Thankfully, it was muffed by the obnoxious and loud music, but Kise still felt the needed to glare at him.

A man in a flashy outfit jumped on the stage and greeted the audience made up almost entirely out of young women and girls.

“Helllooo, ladies and not-ladies! I’m your host for tonight!”

The crowd answered enthusiastically.

“Why couldn’t he do it?” Taiga leaned in sideways to whisper to Kise.

“Because Takaocchi wanted to be the host, now shh, he’s going to be introducing us”

“Candidate number one. Since birth he was already stealing and breaking hearts of women. And maybe some men too. When he walks down the street the flowers bloom and the birds sing. And I am pretty sure all of you here have his posted in your bedroom.”

The crowd cheered and laughed and Taiga hoped his eyeroll was subtle enough.

“Ladies and more ladies. Please welcome: Candidate number one.”

Kise stood up from the chair and raised his hands to wave to his fans and them bow.

“Look I know you’re a local celeb but this is just obnoxious.” Taiga whispered.

“Sh! It’s you now!”

“Me?”

“Candidate number two.”

Taiga suddenly felt a few degrees hotter when the lightning as well as a few hundred pairs of eyes focused on him.

“Your friendly neighborhood firefighter. He might look scary but his heart is made of pudding. He will also make you pudding if you ask nicely.”

The crowd laughed and Taiga unashamedly hid his red face in his hands.

“Oh my god kill me.” He groaned.

“Please welcome: Candidate number two.”

Taiga felt how Kise jabbed him in the side but he ignored him until the lightning and the eyes moved to Aomine.

“And here ladies and gents we have uh…Candidate number three.”

“Hey! Say something more about me!” Aomine sputtered. Takao only turned to him with a bored look.

“Why? Nothing I can say will be worse than what you’ll say yourself in a moment.”

“Oi!” Aomine yelled while the crowd cheered and laughed.

Okay. Maybe this won’t be so bad. Taiga thought as his lips curled up in a smile. He sighed and sat up straight. He could feel Kise giving him disapproving looks again but he ignored it.

This was for charity. People wanted to have a good laugh and Kise and Aomine would be enough entertainment. Taiga wasn’t really a ‘funny’ person, unless you count making an ass out of himself then yes. People laughed.

The rules of this ‘dating show’ were that all of them would get three questions. They’d have to answer them and the person behind the curtain would make their judgement based on their answers.

The catch was that they didn’t know anything about them. How old they were, where they worked, what were their hobbies and so on. Not to mention that they wouldn’t know what they looked like.

Taiga assumed it was a woman, because this was kind of how these things went.

Oh well. He shrugged mentally. He was 100% sure he wouldn’t get chosen even if he tried and he wasn’t about to do that anyway.

Takao raised his hand with an envelope.

“Here I have the questions prepared by our mysterious person behind the curtain.”

The crowd wooed and Takao made a show of opening the envelope and cracking lame jokes which surprisingly made the crowd laugh.

“Question numero uno.” Takao cleared his throat unnecessarily long. “What is your ideal date scenario? We will start with candidate numero uno as well.”

“Yes!” Kise leaned forward and grabbed Takao’s microphone from his hands. “Alright so this is how it goes.”

Taiga listened at first, but after five or so minutes when it was clear that Kise was nowhere near the end of his answer and would drag on and on and on about the details no one cared about, his lids began to drop.

“Oh my god, shut up Kise.” Aomine stood up from his chair and grabbed the microphone from his hands and pushed it roughly into Takao’s hands. The crowd laughed again and Taiga started from his half-daze

“I wasn’t done yet!” Kise said but his voice was muffled without the mic.

“Oh, I don’t think you’d be for a long time.” Takao bit back, making the audience giggle.

“Fine! Next candidate please. I’m repeating the question: What is your ideal date scenario?”

Taiga blinked and only after half a second realized that the mic was shoved into his face.

“Oh! Um. Well.” He pulled away from the device which was uncomfortably close. “I don’t date much, but I’d say the beach?”

“Tell us a bit more.” Takao encouraged him. Taiga felt like it was first day of school again and was forced to talk about himself.

“Um. Well. I like surfing so we could do that. I mean I can teach them. It. It’s not that hard.”

Taiga noticed the silence only after he started talking and a collective gasp was heard from audience.

“What? What did I say?”

“Don’t worry about it go on.”

“Um well. And we could have a picnic too.”

“And?”

“And that’s all. I think. I don’t like limiting myself. Whatever happens, happens.”

The crowd cooed and gave him an applause.

“Thank you for the answer.” Takao said and moved to Aomine.

Taiga sat there a little dazed.

“And you?” Takao put the mic in Aomine’s face without much conviction all too much to the crowd’s delight.

“Uh, Strip club.”

Everyone gasped and even Kise did a double take while Kagami just stared at Aomine in silent shock.

“Um, please elaborate.”

“Well, I mean. I go and I-“

“On second thought please don’t.” Takao cut him off. “Folks, when you’re calling the local police please make sure it’s not this guy.” He pointed at the man sitting behind him while audience laughed and cheered.

“OI!” Aomine yelled but it was once again muffled by other sounds.

“Alright, second question. Let’s give candidate number three another chance folks.”

Aomine glared while Takao strolled up to him with a smirk. “How do you resolve conflict in a relationship?”

Aomine snorted.

“That’s easy. I’m always right.”

The crowd oohhed unapprovingly.

“What?”

Takao put a hand on his shoulder.

“My condolences to your love life.”

“Hey!”

Taiga didn’t manage to hold his guaff anymore and laughed with everyone.

“Ah. I see candidate number duo is having a good time right.”

“Ah, um. Maybe.” Kagami composed himself, feeling his cheeks becoming hot.

“Aw he’s shy.” Takao turned to the audience and everyone cooed again.

“Don’t push it.” Taiga grunted out, but Takao only rolled his eyes.

“Yes, yes. So? How do you resolve conflict in a relationship?”

“Uh, well.” Taiga rubbed the back of his head. “I mean if there is a conflict people should talk it through right. Get to know the other side. And try to understand it. I guess.”

When he finished Taiga realized that everyone was silent.

Again.

“That’s all.” He said and Takao nodded solemnly.

“Alright.”

“And now.” He made a step towards Kise but then turned to the audience. “Let’s skip candidate number one.”

“Why!” Kise stood up, scandalized.

“Because no one can top that answer.” Takao gestured to Taiga. “Besides we all know you don’t resolve conflict in a relationship. You start it.”

“Takaocchi!” Kise gasped and sat down suddenly.

Everyone booed the host which surprised Taiga a lot.

“Alright, alright. I admit. I go carried away. I’m sorry.” He placated the crowd. Let me ask you the last question to make up for it.

“Fine.” Kise whipped his hair and crossed his legs theatrically. “Go on.”

“Describe your ideal partner in five words.” Takao read from the card.

“Five?” Kise suddenly sat up, all attention focused on the question. “But that’s impossible!”

“Why?”

“Because how can I describe someone who is stubborn and strong willed but also has a foul mood more than I can count and seems uncaring but that’s a façade which isn’t even that much of a façade anyway, and oh!” Kise covered his face in his hands dramatically.

“You know you could have just said Kasamatsu Yukio and spear us all the embarrassment.”

“What?” Kise stood up. “How did you k-“

“And now candidate number three.” Takao cut Kise off.

“Huh?” By this time Aomine seemed to lost all the will to participate in the fundraiser and just took out his phone and played with it.

“Describe your ideal partner in five words.”

Aomine looked at Takao for a moment, put his phone away and put up his fist. 

“Big.Soft.And.Firm.”

Everyone waited for the last word but instead of saying it Aomine just made a universal gesture around his chest area.

The audience gasped and booed while Aomine shrugged.

Takao shook his head with an expression of disappointment.

“Alright. Candidate number two. Please answer and release me from this hell.”

Everyone chuckled.

Taiga sighed. And then he shrugged.

“I don’t know. I never thought about it. Looks don’t matter to me.”

And then he almost fell off his chair when he got a standing ovation which lasted for at least 2 minutes, before Takao managed to calm everyone down.

“Thank you, dear gentlemen and ladies. We will be back after a short break.”

The obnoxious music boomed again and the curtain fell, covering all three candidates and Taiga breathed a sigh of relief because it was over.

Or so he thought.

“Hello again!” Takao slid into the spotlight on the stage and the crowd cheered and clapped for him.

The curtain was already up and everyone probably could clearly see the eyeroll from Kagami.

Well, whatever.

“Thank you. Thank you.” Takao bowed at least five times and it made the audience laugh even more.

He repeated the over the top gesture of putting up his hand with an envelope for everyone to see.

“In this envelope, I have the lucky man of today’s show. One of these gentlemen is the winner of a steaming, hot date and all of this for a noble cause of gathering money for the hospital.”

Taiga thought Takao would make some quip about that too, but he didn’t and everyone just cheered.

When the applause died someone put on the sound of a drumroll when he of course made a spectacle of opening the envelope.

“Aaaaannndddd. The winnnnner issssssss….”

Taiga covered his eyes in second hand embarrassment.

Then Takao made a pause.

Taiga sighed and looked at his watch. The sooner this was over, the sooner he could go back to his house and try and forget about the mortification streamed on local television.

“Oh!” Takao gasped when he finally took out the card. “What a surprise! No one expected that!” He exclaimed, sounding completely fake.

“The winner is candidate number two!”

The cheers boomed over the studio.

Taiga clapped for the winner halfheartedly, until an amused and laughing Takao pulled on his sleeve.

“You idiot! It’s you!”

Taiga froze.

“What? Me?” He shouted and Takao doubled down over with laughter.

He was pushed to the other part of the stage where the mysterious person was hiding behind the curtain.

“What? Hey! Wait!” He tried to desperately push Takao away. “This is a mistake.”

“Nope.” Takao grinned and turned him over to the curtain. “You’re ready?”

“No!” He panicked.

“Too bad!” Takao pulled on the lever and the curtain fell, uncovering the mysterious person.

And it wasn’t some woman who Kagami never saw or only saw in passing. It wasn’t even a random guy or anything like that.

No. It was-

“Kuroko!?” Taiga sputtered when he stared at the blue haired man in front of him while the audience cheered for the last time.

“Yes.” Kuroko said. Lips curved in a subtle smile. “It’s me.”

“What the hell?!”

“Please don’t shout.” Kuroko winced and moved away from Kagami a few steps. Taiga send him a glare but lowered his voice.

“What the-“

“Hell. Yes, I heard you the first time.”

“Don’t play a smartass!” Kagami let himself be distracted with sarcasm.

Kuroko sighed.

“Please sit.”

“No.”

Kuroko looked at him in a way that was a bit sad, a bit guilty and a bit annoyed. Only he was able to pull it off. And he was supposed to be the expressionless one.

Taiga sighed and softened his glare a bit. He leaned against the wall with crossed arms and raised his chin.

“Did Kise and Aomine knew.”

“Yes.”

“So this was a plan to make fun of me?”

Kuroko looked shocked for a moment.

“Of course not. I wanted to ask you myself but Kise-kun told me that he had it covered and…oh.”

Taiga tipped his head against a wall with a thud.

“Of course.” He groaned. He couldn’t see but he could certainly feel the apologetic glare Kuroko was sending him.

“I’m really sorry. I should have told you myself.”

“Yeah you should.”

They were silent for a long while. Kagami was mulling this whole thing over. He knew Kuroko for a few years now. He met him when he first moved in here and he asked him help him organize a safety presentation for his elementary school students.

They went for a beer after that and struck up a casual acquaintance which soon turned into a closer friendship.

Until one day Kagami was hanging out with Kuroko and they were laughing about something and Kagami stopped and listened to his friend’s quiet, hiccup giggles and realized with horror that he somehow caught feelings for the guy.

Thankfully, Kuroko didn’t notice and Kagami could suffer his lovesick agony in quiet.

Until today.

So Kise knows. How in the hell does he know? Oh my god does Aomine know?

Taiga was having a meltdown that he didn’t hear Kuroko’s quiet voice until he jabbed a hand into his side.

“Ow!” Taiga doubled down and almost fell. “What the hell?”

“You were ignoring me.” Kuroko explain calmly, a small wrinkle between his brows. “I asked if you were mad at me.”

Taiga closed his eyes and took a big breath and then exhaled it slowly.

“No.” He said after he opened his eyes. “I am annoyed but not angry.”

Kuroko nodded.

“So…did you pick me on purpose or?”

Kuroko shook his head.

“I didn’t know which one was you. I just picked you based on your answers.”

“Well, it’s not like you had much choice.”

Kuroko snorted.

“That, the whole dating thing was Kise’s idea, right?”

Kuroko nodded.

Taiga scoffed.

“Well, it’s kind of weird now huh? Being stuck with a guy you didn’t even wanna date in the first place.”

Kagami expected another jab, a joke or something in that manner.

Instead Kuroko was silent for a longer moment that necessary.

“Hm?” Kagami looked at him finally and raised an eyebrow, nothing that his face was strangely red.

Kuroko looked at him finally and his eyes were serious.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Say what?” Kagami asked before his brain helpfully supplied what Kuroko was referring too and he blue screened for a moment.

Kuroko blinked a few times and then averted his gaze.

“I didn’t say I don’t want to date you.” He murmured. “I agreed to this only, because Kise-kun said you’d be a part of it.”

Taiga stared at his neighbor.

Kuroko looked at him again.

“Kagami-kun?”

“Cu-couldn’t you just tell me!?” He yelled, his face going from pale to tomato in record time. “Like a normal person!?”

Kuroko pouted.

“I didn’t plan on confessing with this. This is just for charity.”

Taiga felt his head spin at the sound of the word “confession”.

“Kagami-kun, are you okay? Are you going to throw up?”

“Shut up!” Taiga yelled hysterically. He was glad the studio back room was empty. He hid his face in his hands.

“Oh my god.” He lamented after he dropped them. “This has been one humiliating experience.”

“I don’t think it was that bad.” Kuroko said and tilted his head. “You had fun, right?”

Taiga opened his mouth to protest but when he thought back on the whole thing…yeah it was…weird.

But he’d live. He knew he was overreacting because he just basically got confirmation that his feelings were returned and he wanted to distract himself. 

He glanced at Kuroko who was looking at him expectantly.

But he couldn’t ignore them forever.

Kuroko seemed to guess his thoughts which was freaky as hell and he smiled.

“We should go. I have a whole date planned out.”

Taiga chewed on his lip for a moment before he sighed and pulled away from the wall. He approached Kuroko, standing as close to him as he could.

“Fine. But I’m not paying.”

Kuroko raised an eyebrow and lifted his chin to look at him. Kagami felt a weird shiver just then. The kind of he hasn’t felt in a long while.

He swallowed and took a step backwards

“Very well.” Kuroko said and gestured towards the door. Before Taiga could move, Kuroko took his hand and they headed together towards the exit.

Taiga looked at his…well, boyfriend when they were waiting for the elevator.

“Just. Just so you know I, uh. You know.”

Kuroko looked at him with a tiny smile and squeezed his hand.

“I know. And the feeling is mutual.”

Kagami nodded. He’d say it today. Later. Somehow.

“I still think you should have just told me like a normal person.”

Kuroko glanced at him briefly. The elevator door opened.

“What?” Kagami asked when Kuroko pulled him inside.

“Now where’s the fun in that?”

“Oi!” Taiga yelled but it was muffled by the metal door.