#the joke is that they're both played by adam west

[basileus]

SEATTLE KRAKEN PLAYER PRIMER

I promised the beautiful @madroxed a Seattle Kraken current player primer so she can get into a West Coast (best coast) NHL team and then I went mad so it ended up too long for ask box without a read more. So here it is for your enjoyment, babe. 🦑

IMPORTANT THINGS TO KNOW:

1. When Kraken started playing their first season in 2021, there was a lot of discussion about the expansion plan, how many years they would take to become as successful as other expansion teams (cough VGK). That plan… has not fully panned out. So even though they made it to the playoffs last year, they're not super successful this season and likely won't squeeze their way into a wild card spot. This is okay because the Kraken are full of love.

2. This is important enough to say twice: THE KRAKEN PLAYERS ARE FULL OF LOVE. They don't need to be good if they're having fun and being friends! And they are!

3. Kraken has no captain right now, just four As. Democracy, baby! Every game there is tons of talk on reddit about how it's a good thing because it's made the guys closer, or how it's a bad thing because they don't have a leader and they keep losing. IDK, it's just our thing. There will be a C eventually.

4. There's a joke on tiktok that Kraken is a team of beautiful shy horses, treated badly on their last teams and now learning to love again. Keep this in mind when you see them interacting with Coach Hakstol. They all deserve to have their hooves (skates) farrier-ed gently, ribbons braided into their manes and to be tenderly fed sugar cubes. Anyways.

5. Haha, Seattle runs on love and tentacles.

THE OLDIES:

- Jordan Eberle (Jordy, Ebby, Ebs, Ebber) - Ebs was MY MAN for the longest time because I was soooo fond of him and the mid aughts pre-McDavid Oiler rookie crew. Now he's 33 years old, everyone calls him dad, and just had his 1000th game ceremony. It makes me verklempt.

He just signed a 2-yr contract this month, which people agree is mostly because of his role on the team and less because of his points (which are just okay).

He is also a noted Nickleback fan :(

Also, Jordan Eberle... naked... singing.

- Jared McCann (Canner, also Jordan's on-ice wife) - Kraken's lead scorer right now. Has the saddest backstory ever (he's had troubles with his teams since draft) but the Kraken team loves him. I love him too. Jordan was in his wedding party! Fun fact: Canner is the one who KISSED Ebs' head after an OT win this year, the organization framed & posted the picture, and it's the most romantic thing that has ever happened on Kraken ice. Recognized PC gamer boy. He also wears really really ugly hats with his game day suits.

- Philipp Grubauer (Grubi, The German Gentleman) - Gruuuuu. The more experienced goalie on the team. Noted horse girl (loves horses, there's a video all about his volunteer efforts with them). Gets a lot of undeserved shit from dude fans for being a conservative goalie, the man is NOT gonna move. He straight up close lined a player yesterday because they got too close to his crease lol.

- Vince Dunn - You already know this guy. Feral, but also submissive and breedable. I sent you the "screaming with a bloody face" vid but here's one where he drop gloves for a Matty hit and another from Juniors where he fights OFF ICE. His nickname is Dunner but because he's a pretty princess, he also goes by "Vincess" in hrpf. He's very popular this season both for his looks and his performance this season. Unfortunately injured right now due to a bad hit. Noted "gamer (fornite) boy" lol.

- Adam Larsson - You also know this guy. Big Cat. Quiet but a leader to the D rookies. Surprisingly funny - he's a silent prankster and the custom t-shirts this season with his face on it were a hit. Outside the hrpf space, he's engaged to a beautiful blonde Swede and about to be a dad this month.

- Jaden Schwartz (Schwartzy) - Peak millennial. Is it wrong that I think Schwartzy is the hottest Kraken after Vince? Because I don't care. He gives hot dad, with two dogs with girl names.

He changed his hockey number to match his sister's who died of cancer :'( Has been injured a lot this season and we miss him :'(

- Yanni Gourde (Gourdo) - FERAL!! FRENCH (CANADIAN)!!!! A tiktok star, sassy, charming, and also part of the team leadership.

Married and dad to little girls, who he has allowed Matty to babysit, if you can believe it. There was a super cute vid of them at the pumpkin patch this year. I'm a proud member of the GOURDO IS HOT club but even people with bad eyes and no love for goofy faces love Yanni.

- Andre Burakovsky (Burky) - You might remember him from his Cap or Av days. He's a beautiful little bird who is so good at scoring but so broken. The man has two Stanley Cups but he's played like 2 games for Kraken where he was both healthy & productive lol. People ship him with Gru sometimes in hrpf because they have cute nicknames for each other and also vacation together. He also just had a baby like two months ago so my sisters and I call him a teen mom even though he's like 29, lmaoo.

- Pierre-Edouard Bellemare (Belly) - His shirt is always off in every video I have ever seen him in. Handsome. Beard. French, like literally from France, but we won't hold it against him. He's an older guy who was brought in to help the team with offense (which we badly need).

- Oliver Bjorkstrand (Bjorky) - I always describe Bjorky as like a less handsome Dylan O'Brien if he played hockey. A chill, smiley dude who cares a lot. He played in Portland for the Winterhawks back in Juniors and I saw him a lot there! He's playing super well this year, he even was at the ASG!

THE YOUNG ONES:

- Matty Beniers (Matty, Benny) - OUR BEAUTIFUL FIRST DRAFT EVER. A baby boy. Ebs and Canner are his mom and dad. If you're on tiktok, he made that viral "Yes, Yes, Nope, Nope" sound while mic'd up.

He's growing up :') but also is having kind of a bad season :'( Part of the planned growth of the Kraken team though!

- Will Borgen (Borgy) - One of the baby D. He kinda looks like Canner but more frog. Matty and Borgy are roommates & pretty much BEST FRIENDS during the season. There's a lot of good locker room videos of them giving each other shit. He has also bullied Karts lol. Self describes himself as a little deer.

- Joey Daccord (Joey, Dacs) - Baby goalie. Gives the F1 recaps on tiktok. One of the biggest joys of my year so far was chanting "Joey" in the crowd after his shutout in the Winter Classic. Sometimes he strays too far from the net and makes boo boos. We love & cherish him.

- Kailer Yamamoto (Yamo, Yams, Yammer) - Little man. So little. Great at shootouts & stealing teammate's jerseys. He's the only Washingtonian on the team. Was a Oilers rookie and I've heard he featured in the whole Draisital hrpf narrative thing (idk I'm not an Oilers fan rn lol). Has a terrible goatee right now.

There's a funny af tweet about a reporter seeing a huge cheering section for him at a game and assumed it was friends & family but went over and it was just random people rooting for Yamo purely because he's short.

- Ryker Evans - The newest baby D. Has the deadest eyes you will ever see but he also spent an entire Firebirds youtube interview series just hanging out in a child's pool. He's played great since being called up from the Firebirds and we love him. So new he doesn't have a Breaking the Ice sheet yet :( Also his middle name is GARTH!

- Tye Kartye (Karts) - It's important that you know his last name is pronounced like "Cart-che" but even the announcers say "Car-ti-eh" like the jewelry brand. A quiet-ish sweetheart but also kind of spicy while playing. Rooms with Ryker. They're flirty and have been since the Firebirds. Scored his first NHL goal in his first NHL game, during the Kraken's first ever playoffs!

- Cale (& Haydn) Fleury - REAL LIFE BROTHERS. Not actually related to Flower. Haydn is on the Lightning now and we miss him. Cale mostly plays for the Firebirds but he's developing well and has gotten called up several times this season.

- Ryan Winterton (Wints) - A goofy little baby. He's still playing mostly with the Firebirds but he had his NHL debut this season.

- Shane Wright - I don't actually know his nickname. (EDIT: I have been informed it is Shaner or Wrighter!) Big boy. Our SECOND DRAFT EVER. Playing with the minor leagues right now. We'll see him playing a line on Kraken next season or so, probably (?). If Coach Dave is willing.

THE OTHERS (THAT I OFTEN FORGET ABOUT):

- Brandon Tanev - Turbo. He's fast. Has beautiful long hair. Keeps getting hit by pucks because he's in the way. Fun fact: he helped start the 'Kraken are horses' thing because there was a video on Tiktok where an equipment manager was adjusting his skates and they used a hoof care video sound and it went viral. We might lose him when he's a free agent and that's fine.

- Jamie Oleksiak - Big Rig, Riggy. In my shit list right now because he's playing bad and I hate his stupid credit card commercial that they always play during games. Member of the 'my sister is prettier and a better athlete than me' club. People speculate there's a chance we might lose him over the summer when his no-trade clause opens up as well. He's often Borgy's d-partner, and he and Borgy are very very sweet though.

- Tomas Tatar - Tuna, he's fun and nice. I like his accent. Sometimes I forget he exists.

- Eeli Tolvanen - Tolvy. I also sometimes forget about him. Sorry. He's a buddy to everyone on the team though.

- Justin Shultz - Shultzy, he's fine. Gets injured a lot. Not the best player. I think we're gonna lose him eventually too.

- Brian Dumoulin - Dumo, he's also fine. He's won a couple Stanley Cups. Cute baby face for an older player but he gives a kinda empty brain, 'there's not a thought behind those eyes' feeling lol.

HOPE THIS HELPS. I ALSO HOPE THEY DON'T CRUSH THIS PRIMER OVER THE OFF SEASON WITH TRADES LOL but who knows. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember this team runs on love (and tentacles).

[gothamsworst]

Now you have to write for FOP's Catman (joking)

Absolutely Not.

[mxvladdy]

That Diavolo angst was perfect. The best, most high quality cheese at the end. Domestic fluff galore. Decadence straight from the source of your hands.

Could we get some Diavolo fluff with an MC who ran away from home(of lamentation) that wants to spend the night at the castle because the brothers were being dismissive [in tsundere and sibling fun-poking ways] but it just kept reminding MC of their abusive home life in the most innocuous ways

i.e. Satan mocking the books they like for being "too whimsical/fanciful". Asmo making a few too many degrading comments on their skin/hair care or lack thereof (like, tell me the RIGHT way to do it then!  If I'm such a fuck up on my own). Mammon and Belphie.... being Mammon and Belphie.  Levi gate keeping them from devildom equivalent interests because they're "not a real fan if they don't [x]"

A/N: Awww you spoil me with compliments ~^.^~! I hope this is to your liking!

It was late and Diavolo was exhausted. Diavolo looks down at his over inundated schedule, black and red ink covering the pages, barely any of the original white pages could be seen now.  Squinting he chuckles at the elegant handwriting of his butler. He had quite literally penciled in two hours for sleep. A sweet gesture for the evening. It was unfortunate he had wasted half of that time going over in his last meeting of the night. 

The meeting was supposed to be just a brief update on the expansion of the kingdom out west. New trading routes with the colonies and lands not yet in his domain. But, as usual, the evening turned to his exchange program and he always had time to talk about his pet project, even if his schedule didn’t. Each of the brothers was adamant that the program was going well. Better than they had hoped in fact, they all warmed up to you much to his delight, even saying they were treating you like you were part of the family.

That should have been his first clue. He knew the brothers and how they acted with family. Perhaps it was because he was exhausted that the comment went over his head, perhaps it was his own ego telling him everything was going great. He brushed aside the remarks to conclude the meeting and get to his rooms without a second thought. Diavolo practically vibrating with excitement at the hot bath waiting for him. Maybe he could nab some chocolate from Barbatos’s secret stash too. With those sweet thoughts filling his head and his eyes buried in his agenda he overlooks you standing by his door. He skids to a stop only after almost knocking you off your feet with his massive bulk. “My apologies, I did not see you there.” He steadies you looking you over for any injuries. “Do you need something?” He forces an energetic smile onto his face to hide his exhaustion and slight irritation at yet another snag in his evening.

He watches you shuffle in place for a moment, eyes downcast. “Sorry-sorry, it’s silly, but could I stay with you for a bit? I don’t want to be at the house.” Your voice warbles, hands coming up to wipe at fresh tears. Diavolo’s hearts sink, his previous exhaustion taking a backseat to you.  

He beckons you into his room without a second thought. “What’s wrong? What happened?” You shake your head rubbing harder at your face, your skin getting more and more agitated. He purrs deep in his chest pulling you close on instinct to comfort you and for you to stop agitating your skin. You bury your face in his uniform.

“It’s stupid really, I don’t know why I’m upset.” You laugh. The weak sound getting caught on a wet hiccup. “I just can’t handle the teasing right now.” Anger begins to brew in his gut, the brothers, you were obviously talking about them. Had he been to lose with his leash? Did they lie to him?

He leads you to his favorite chair by the window and crouches next to you. “Explain, please? If I need to correct this I will.” He listens, letting you vent and get your frustration out. He never had siblings nor any real family to relate your experiences with like you did, but he understood the mounting weight of words. There was only so much one could take before even the strongest shoulders crumble. “I’m sorry they hurt you.” He reaches to squeeze your knee in reassurance. “I could have Barbatos explain the matter to them, if you allow it.”

You sniff and give him a watery smile. “Thank you but I have to express this myself- I just needed some time away from them.” You cover his large hand with both of yours and squeeze back. “Thanks for listening.” Diavolo rumbles warmly, eyes locking with your warm hands.

“Anytime mi giglio,” He leans back onto his heels. “If I’m honest, their little jabs are utter baseless garbage.”

“Yeah?” You chuckle wiping your nose with his gifted handkerchief. “You don’t think I’m some boring sentimental human?” He shakes his head letting out a dismissive snort. You are beautiful and if Asmo was too blinded by his own standards and routines then it was his loss. He loves the character and different textures of your body. He loves your permanent laugh lines and the way your skin by your eyes crinkle when you smile. The way your nose scrunches when you are happy just makes him glow when in your presence.

Even the tiny scars and marks on your skin told stories that his body never could be able to do. He envied the way human lives could be seen through their bodies, the stories their bodies tell with or without them knowing was amazing. Demons, with their smooth lines, tight hard skin, and hidden agendas couldn’t do that. The idea of “gate-keeping” as you called it was a completely new contempt to him, and sounded ridiculous too. It was counterintuitive to his whole program. If you enjoyed the programs and culture then why were the brothers chastising you over it? He makes a mental note to find time off to take you to enjoy some of the sights of his Devildom without the brother's judgment.

“No. You- you,” He waves his free hand in the air trying to find words that won’t embarrass him. “You are fascinating and so unashamed of your interests. The life you live is unlike any demon or fallen angel could ever comprehend. If they tease you on such trivial things then that speaks to a fault in their character, not yours.” He lets them hang in the air between you, not wanting the meaning to be lost in useless banter.

The silence between you was comfortable and Diavolo basked in it. Normally silence was always tense around him, everyone always waiting for a decree or punishment. Right now though there is none of that. “Wise words, where did you get them?” You move away to pat at your blotchy face, trying to wipe away the tear stains.

Diavolo huffs at the loss of your soft touch. “Little D.” He jokes, voice deadpan. You laugh turning to face him. “There we are!” He cracks a small grin already feeling your mood relax. Leaning in close he wipes away a stray tear. “Feeling a bit better?  Perhaps we can-” Your phone buzzes from your discarded bag making you jump apart. You rush over digging through the bag to grab the blasted device looking at the rapid-fire amount of texts and calls all come in at once. “The brothers?” Diavolo sighs cursing their interruption. He can see the long streams of text bubbles scroll by in the reflection of your damp eyes.

“Yeah.” You look up from your screen. “They are wondering where I am.” Diavolo grimaces not even trying to hide his feelings. You glance back at the phone with little interest, then shrug powering it off. “I think I can let them stew in it for a bit, don’t you? Mind if I crash here for the night?” The Devil perks up, gold eyes following the trajectory of your phone as you toss it. The decorative case disappearing into the cushions.

“I couldn’t agree more.” He claps his hands together in excitement. “Come! Read me one of the stories Satan found jejune. I think I have a few Devildom children's stories on a shelf somewhere to share too!” Diavolo gets up already deciding which room you will stay in for the evening. Perhaps if he plays his cards right you could stay the weekend.