keyiithecity

[softmeetscreatureplz]

Feeling fucking ill in the head and stomach, like there's a fucking black hole spider right connected from the inner side of my tail bone to my gut that's a slow abyss of mmmmmmmm/neg, while my brain feels like it's floating through black fog that is also an uuuuuu/neg.

Rant below

Idek why I'm this upset to be honest. Or i do, but its just. Really stupid. Like. My class for gym is doing a four k run out in public one day today for gym, and the very idea is fucking me up because I know I'm shit at stamina.

I'm shit at running, I'm the legitimate slowest in my class, and the very idea of me running through the goddamned town while dealing with that is terrifying and disgusting to me on a painfully fleshy level.

My mom said I could lie and skip and it's fine, mainly cuz she did it a ton when she was younger (I didn't explain all the feels I'm posting abt rn) but I still don't know which day it's on and I hate it so fucking much.

I already don't like gym so much because of how uncomfortable it makes me, how little time there is, and how shit I am at everything. Like you want me anxious and self decapriating and self conscious and stressed to the max and wishing for death?

Put me in the class where no one fucking explains the rules or follows them properly, where every other class is a 'pick your own partner' and the two friendly people I know from last semester team up together and I'm left not knowing what the fuck to do, and the teachers advice is shit for me because my chest is bigger than hers and it fucks me up.

I don't skip school, never have, but I seriously think I will for this because holy shit just thinking about all this is making my eyes fucking water.

It's not even the fucking people too, everyone in the class is super, super nice to me and chill people, i have no reas9n to think they hate me or anything.

But that doesn't stop the instant feeling of 'fuck fuck fuck I messed up I hate this I want to doe why the fuck is this even a class I'm letting everyone down please please please let me die or something rather than do this again oh my fucking god stab me in the goddamned stomach or some shit please' that pops up every time I miss a fucking serve or shot or point, while I feel anxious and stressed and uncomfortable the whole time.

Just. Fuck I hate gym class. I miss just playing dodgeball. That's the only game I like I think, and I can't deal with this stress. Idk. It's fucking me up a lot. Idk if it's tomorrow or Thursday or Friday.

I hate it. So much.