#the head of hr told me the other day that the director said he'd made a good hire with me ;w;

[tackyink]

Update because I know you'll hate this:

Yesterday Transphobic Cleaning Lady hit me with, "[new coworker is] Korean, or Japanese, or Chinese, whatever. I can't tell, they all look the same because they have eyes like that. You know what I mean? [She pulls at her eyes] I guess we all look the same to them too, right?"

On the flipside, the Director asked a bunch of students who were smoking in front of the door to move a little so it could close, and when I thanked him he came to talk to me to say he doesn't understand because they know how bad smoking and vaping are, that not even his generation had an excuse because it was already known by then, and that the issue with men who back then smoked to look more macho was toxic masculinity. I'm going to be sad when this man retires.

[lemoncrushh]

Cubicle // 1) Hot As Ice

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Word Count: 1506

Monday // Harry

I met the hottest babe today. The HR lady (I can't ever get her name straight - Yvonne, Yvette?) brought her around the office to meet everyone. I'm assuming she works here now, and it wasn't one of those interview meet and greets.

I was sitting at my computer, pretending to work but mostly just staring at my screen. We're not allowed to use the internet for personal use. I was bored out of my skull. I heard some chatter behind me but didn't pay any attention until I heard my name.

"And this is Harry," HR lady said.

I swung my chair around and saw her. I'm quite certain my jaw dropped, and drool came out. She was fucking hot. Long hair, kind of a cross between brown and blonde, crystal-clear blue eyes, full pouty lips, and a body built for sin. She wore a dress that normally could be considered conservative, but on her it screamed fuck me. I tried hard not to stare at her rack, but the way the neckline stopped right at the middle of her cleavage made it difficult.

"Harry, this is Veronica."

I can't recall what HR lady said after that, if anything. I stood and extended my hand and Veronica shook it.

"Nice to meet you, Harry."

Fuck, she had a sexy voice too. And I couldn't help but notice she held on to my hand for a little longer as I said "likewise."

HR lady went on about some drivel I couldn't give a shit about. I couldn't stop staring at Veronica. She was definitely a ten. But before I knew it, Yvonne (pretty sure that's her name), waved her away from me and toward the break room. Veronica followed, but not before giving me a fucking amazing smile. She actually licked her bottom lip and then bit it! Not fucking lying.

I sat back down at my desk, careful not to sit on my balls that were throbbing. Running my hand down my face, I shook my head, hoping to get the imagine of Veronica naked out of it. The attempt was futile, however, as I heard her giggle from the break room. This was going to be a long day.

Tuesday // Roni

I'm not gonna lie. That Harry guy is a hottie. Probably a little young for me, maybe twenty at the most? But who the fuck cares when he looks like that? He has these amazing green eyes, and his lips... Jesus Christ those lips! I'd love to feel them on me is all I can say. And let's not forget his enticing deep voice.

After Yvonne, the Human Resources Director had introduced me to him, she ushered me into the break room which was probably a good thing. I could already feel myself flirting with him, and I could tell he noticed. At least I hope he'd noticed, but something tells me he's a bright young man. Plus, I caught him staring at my tits.

When I got to work this morning, I was hoping to run into him, but I didn't. I have no idea what kind of car he drives or when he usually gets to work, but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. My luck changed, however, when Greta, my supervisor, asked me to scan a few documents for her and save them as PDF files. She told me if I had any questions I could ask Harry Styles.

"Hi...Harry, right?" I asked as I walked up to his desk, manila folder in my hands.

"Um...yeah...hi...Veronica," he stumbled as he pushed his chair back. It made that annoying click sound that plastic casters make when they don't roll quite as well as they once did.

"Please, call me Roni," I insisted. "Only my stepmother and my piano teacher call me Veronica."

"You play piano?" Harry asked.

"Among other things," I teased as I licked my lips.

The left side of Harry's mouth slowly curled back into a sexy little smirk, exposing the most adorable dimple. Could he be any cuter?

"So," I finally said, getting down to business, "I've been told you can help me with the scanner."

"Oh, right. Yeah." Harry stood up and I followed him around his cubicle to the one behind his, the empty one closest to the break room. It housed its own computer with an all-in-one printer/scanner.

"Did they tell you the code?" Harry asked me.

"What?"

Harry grinned, seeing that I had no clue what he was talking about.

"It's ridiculous, really. But for security reasons, you have to type in a passcode to use this computer. I guess they don't want anyone using it for personal reasons. It monitors everything you do."

"God, you can't have any fun here, can you?" I joked.

"I'm afraid not," he chuckled.

After Harry put in the passcode and opened the necessary software for my scanning needs, he briefly explained how to use the scanner. I humoured him by acting like I'd never used one before, when in reality I had one just like it at home.

"So what about you?" I asked as I sat down and began scanning my documents.

"Me?" he questioned, sitting in the extra chair.

"Tell me about yourself. How long have you been working here?"

"A little over two months, I reckon."

"Really?" I was surprised. "Not very long then."

"No."

"Do you like it here?"

Harry pursed his lips. "It's alright."

"It's a job," I nodded.

"Yeah."

"What do you like to do for fun?"

I realized I had put him on the spot as he sat up and raised his eyebrows.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "Same as everyone else."

I looked at him, internally debating on whether or not to ask him what was really on my mind, but I decided against it. If I was going to get him into my bed, I needed to ease into it.

"Well, I guess that's about it," I announced as I grabbed my last document and returned it to the manila folder. "Thanks for your help, Harry."

"Um, you're welcome. But it doesn't look like you really needed my help that much," he declared.

"I know," I grinned as I stood up. "I just wanted an excuse to see you."

I winked and turned around, heading back toward my office. I could feel Harry's eyes on me which was such a turn-on. I had a hard time concentrating on my work for the next couple hours.

Harry

What the fuck is this woman doing to me? I could feel a stiffy growing in my shorts as she licked her lips. Then she asked me what I like to do for fun. What could I say? That the only kind of fun I'd like to have right now is seeing her with my dick in her mouth? No, Styles, I told myself. She might be flirting with you, but it doesn't mean she's that kind of girl. Get a grip.

But then she fucking admitted to me that the scanner was just an excuse to see me. She winked at me and then walked away, her hot little ass rotating back and forth in her tight skirt. I couldn't handle it. As soon as she was out of eyesight, I ran to the toilet and locked myself in the stall. I had to take a few deep breaths to calm myself. This has never happened to me before. I'm not saying I'm a womanizer, but I've had pretty good luck so far in the female department. I feel like I've met my match.

When I returned to my desk, Travis peeked his head around the cubicle divider.

"Hey, mate, you alright?"

"Yeah, why?" I asked, a bit perturbed.

"I just saw you bolt for the toilets earlier."

"Oh. Yeah." I shrugged it off. Let him think I was sick or something.

"Don't worry. She's definitely into you," I heard him say.

"What?" I swung around my chair.

"That Veronica chick," Travis confirmed.

"Yeah?"

"Just be careful," he warned. "You know, inter-office relationships."

"Is that against the rules?" I asked. I hadn't really gotten around to reading the office manual.

"I don't think so. But it's a little frowned upon. You know, because something could go wrong and cost you your job."

"Has that happened before?"

"Not since I've been here," Travis continued in a hushed voice. "But...I'd heard one of the bosses started dating his secretary a few years back. He wanted to break it off and she didn't. It got ugly and I think there was even a lawsuit. So...you know...just be careful."

He turned his chair around and scooted back to his cubicle. I sighed and turned to face my own computer. If this Roni thing was going to happen - and I was damn sure going to see that it did - I needed to act fast. Job or no job, that babe was going to be mine.

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[christhebarker]

Twenty bloody years

Today HR informed me it was my 20th anniversary at my company so in a slightly self-indulgent post here's ten random things from twenty random years. I intended to do twenty but I think it's long enough really.

1 Talent spotting

Standing at the light box looking at transparencies through a loop I spotted a star. It was my first week at Classic FM magazine and that girl was the young Katherine Jenkins making one of her first PR appearances backstage at the classical Brit awards. I demanded to do a cover shoot with her. She was incredibly beautiful and totally charming in real life. Over the three years I worked on that mag I photographed her on numerous occasions , upping the ante every time; borrowing a million dollars worth of diamonds, an Aston Martin DB5 and ultimately a palace for each successive shoot. Over that time I saw her evolve from a little girl, green around the gills into a bona fide diva - never heard her sing though. It was never about that for me. She clearly had star quality. 

2 Tunnel vision

I art directed the McLaren in house magazine for a while. It wasn't a comfortable job - the tobacco advertising ban was coming through at the time and the marketing team were all over everything - so it's quite fitting that that my most memorable experience was pretty uncomfortable too. I had an idea for a cover shoot that I'd never seen done before. For the Monaco issue I wanted a front on close up of coulthard in his car heading for the tunnel with it reflected in his visor. Amazingly they allowed me to borrow his MP4-16, overalls and helmet, but not the man himself. So, being fairly small (DC is tiny) it fell to me to be his body double. Those cars are cramped. I sat for an hour in that tiny cockpit, moulded to his girl-like hips and I could barely walk afterwards. And the visibility, Christ they must get claustrophobic in those things. The rear view mirror was about the size of a cigarette lighter. Makes you realise it does take some balls to go at that speed in those things. 

3 Olympic vision

It's very rare in any non-performing profession to see people enjoying your work in its natural environment but London 2012 provided me with that, among many other unbelievable, opportunities. I had the chance to witness Mo Farah's historic 5000m win at the London Olympic stadium and see Bolt win gold too to boot. But the take home for me was witnessing 100s of people - in the grounds, in the stadium, on the train home - consuming and enjoying my work on the Official Olympic Daily Programmes. You never get that opportunity in publishing, and to top it off there was also televised praise from John Inverdale and Claire Balding on the BBC. And Lord Heseltine told me it was the best thing we had ever published when he came in to the office. A real morale booster at that point when spirits were starting to flag in the middle of sixteen solid days of 6am-9pm (then a break, then the Paralympics too).

4 The royal wee

Sometimes it's easy to take it for granted. The intimate moments with incredible people. I remember turning to the PR as we were sitting in on a rehearsal by the Ballet Rambert as they were perfecting some superhuman feat I couldn't possibly imagine doing and saying "We've seen some things haven't we" and laughing about it. I've witnessed personal performances for me and a photographer alone from some of the greatest classical musicians alive Julian Lloyd Weber running through Bach's cello concerto in his kitchen, James Galway toddling away at something he was learning, but my favourite anecdote is probably when me and Sting took it in turns to sneak into the Queen's private toilet in the royal opera house for a piss. "Well if you're doing it I'm gonna go as well" he said. 

5 Sheffield steel

I accidentally touched Jessica Ennis's backside while adjusting a Union Jack draped around her in a Sheffield steel mill. Which is quite appropriate seeing as they are buns of steel. It was like I'd bashed into a wall, not a person. It was a complete accident and I don't think she noticed but it was quite memorable. Even though at the time I didn't really know who she was, same with Mo a week earlier, who I shot in the world's oldest wind tunnel at the National Physical Laboratory just down the road from my house. No idea who he was at the time. We chatted about a mate he may have worked with at McDonald's I believe. 

6 Have I got awards for you

I've been fortunate enough to win a few awards over the years. We won PPA publication of the year for the Olympics work, my most high profile win was BSME art director of the year earlier this year for Work. magazine but my favourite win was the second of my back-to-back cover of the year awards voted for by a room of my peers on the night. Anyone can win something once with a fluke, but to do it twice was pretty special. It means you must know what you're doing. But what made the Brexit cover win extra special for me was that when I went up to receive it I spotted Ian Hislop, a bit of a hero of mine, sitting in the front row giving me a thumbs up. I got to chat to him after in the green room and I told him I thought he was the best thing about Britain today. 

7 Trouble in Tuscany

There's been a bit of travel over the years. In the early days we would fly out to Germany to show proofs to BMW and Mercedes. Unimaginable now what with PDFs, emails, Skype and minuscule budgets. I photographed a sprinter in Florida, a hurdler in Ostrava... but the most memorable trip was to photograph tenor Andrea Bocelli at his home just outside Pisa. Memorable because it was such a disaster. As you may know he is blind, and his English isn't brilliant so communication was a problem. And the fact that to ease his obvious discomfort with the whole situation he insisted on using props. He left the room and came back in with a trumpet for example, which he insisted on holding in shot for every frame. Then just as we were getting underway someone started cooking pasta in his kitchen and the smell made him wander off. We didn't know if it was over or if he was coming back. Eventually he did and we got a few extra frames without the trumpet but it was such a bad day that when we left and the photographer put a light stand through the hire car's rear light I was like "yeah, that's about right". 

8 High anxiety

Borrowed a helicopter for a shoot once. That was bloody terrifying. Never been in one before. If you've never done it, it's like being in a transit van in the air and whenever they want to turn or move in any way it kind of lurches. You feel like the pilot is only slightly in control and gravity is the real driver. I kept my head down and looked at the pictures as they came in on the laptop, pretending I wasn't there in the end. 

9 Roger that

Seeing a genuine sporting legend at the top of his game is incredible. None of the other sporting events I've been present for in a work capacity - Grands Prix, UEFA Cup Finals, England test cricket - quite match up to seeing Roger Federer take on Andy Murray from the front row at the O2. Before the match I'd been looking forward to seeing Murray's trademark smashes but seeing Federer caress the ball and think five strokes ahead from such close quarters converted me to the tennis legend I had previously thought was a bit boring. 

10 Mercury prizing

As far as I can tell I was responsible for Gomez winning the Mercury Music Prize in 1998. Which is weird because they were up against Pulp and I love Pulp. I was sitting on a table with the MD of Technics - I think, it's all a bit of a blur to be honest - at the awards ceremony and he was really interested in my opinion on who I thought should win. This was just after Gomez had done a storming rendition of Whipping Piccadilly and I think it probably swayed me. So when he disappeared for a bit then came back and told me he'd put his vote in for my favourite I didn't have the heart to say I'd changed my mind and thought Pulp should win. It was a very close run thing as well apparently. Sorry Jarvis.