#the files were 'just sirsi stuff' which is why they were deleted

[kinetic-elaboration]

August 14: Bad Day

I think I should get a do-over on this day because it just sucked rhinos. I was having these really intense, complicated dreams and my alarm woke me up right in the middle of them and so I didn't wake up properly and then I never got over it. Like I don't think I was properly awake at any point today; I was so heavy and so tired and toward the end of the day I was thinking things like 'what if I just fell asleep in this chair' and 'my whole body hurts, that's not good.' When this sort of thing happens to me, there's always a part of me that's like, for what though? I'm a good worker; I'm good at my job; but the hours put in are about my own oppression and really no other reason at all and sometimes the full force of this just hits me.

Anyway. And no one was around. The 1LS, but they weren't in the library much, aside from wandering around in tours while dressed up. But the staff was just totally fucking AWOL which sort of annoyed me: I was the only one in TS but reference was down to 1 person for part of the day, too, circ was down a person for part of the day. I really, really hated being alone. I never love it but this was worse because I was so tired and also just...bitter. I'm bitter about every detail of the circumstances that put me in this position.

And more than anything I am really, really upset about all the work I lost today. I checked very single wiki page and we lost 18 and 11 were 'mine' as in, in my section. Even the ones that are straightforward to recreate are still going to be a pain in the pass because I have this, like, mental block to redoing work. I hate it so much. But my contact info... that list predated me. It's over 10 years of collected and consistently updated information and notes.... I'm just devastated. It's all gone. I was literally hiding out in the basement bathroom sobbing. I'm never getting it back. It can't really be recreated. It's going to come back different, as it were.

I'm going to have to go to work tomorrow and just treat this like an annoying task and be cool about it because it's no one's fault, right, it was a misunderstanding and a mistake! But I'm not at work right now and it absolutely is someone's fault and I'm angry. I feel guilty too but in a 'you should have predicted things that were not predictable given your level of knowledge' and 'you should have foreseen scenarios that are only obvious in hindsight' and 'you shouldn't have had those assumptions that are now obviously wrong.' Which is maybe true. But I didn't delete the files. I didn't go on a 'we need to clean this UP no one can see that we have old notes' spree for, in retrospect, essentially no reason. I didn't mass delete a folder of files without looking at what was in it. I did say I thought it was fine and I am full of self-loathing about that. And I did say that under the same false assumption everyone else had. But it just... it's absolutely outrageous and unjustifiable in retrospect that files that were sitting around not causing anyone any harm for 8 years are suddenly so fucking objectionable that we need to bomb them into oblivion without even spot checking them for continued use. Why. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.

But I'm going to go to work and I'm going to pretend I didn't cry in the bathroom about it and I'm a good worker who will contribute to the attempt to put it all back together again and that I'm not the person who correctly says 'hey do we need to delete it though' all the time and that I'm not the person who is suffering the most from this and hey also that I'm not the person who was holding down the fort while the rest of them were off doing fuck all for a whole day. And then I'm packing my bags and going to see my fucking family and I hope some sort of disaster happens while I'm gone that I don't have to worry about.

Anyway when I got home I immediately fell asleep for several hours.I do feel better for that. Just upset still.