#the fact that it took me a while to think of five female characters but I know all the male ones I like...hate myself

[eetherealgoddess]

So I feel like I wrote my last two stories a little mid so hopefully this is more detailed and well written. Also brought back the language barrier cuz I love it too and haven’t written a story with it in a while. :)

ꨄRabid Loveꨄ

Oneshot - Yandere Hybrid Au

❦Your deceased grandmother’s will passed down wealth, a mansion in Japan, and five exotic hyrbids❦

Sano Manjiro, Hanemiya Kazutora, Sanzu Haruchiyo, & Haitani Brothers x Reader

❣︎A little love between some of the characters as well❣︎

Not fully proofread!

Japanese language is red

MY TR FANDOM WORKS ARE ONLY ON TUMBLR, AO3, AND WATTPAD UNDER EETHEREALGODDESS! REPORT IF YOU SEE IT POSTED UNDER ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!!

I apologize if I get any Japanese etiquette or culture wrong, I literally have to research the culture for some of my fandom stories so if anything is wrong, please excuse my ignorance.

Notice:

✩Y/n is 18+. I picture him as a black male but you can see him however.

✩Some parts of the story may not be realistic or factual. After all, this is a work of fiction.

✩Although it's a dark 'romance,' I do not condone any of the behavior displayed.

✩Dark content such as: gore, violence, triggering topics, graphic scenes, vulgar language, explicit sexual content, etc.

✩There may be scenes that involve non con and/ or dubcon so don’t read if that makes you uncomfortable

✩That being said, this story is for 18+ only.

Enjoy!

Rabid Love

The manor sits on top of a hill, distant from the busy streets of the city near. Trees cover the surface, surrounding as if a natural gate. Very few houses of the same build sit near amongst the land that stretches along. It had been a few weeks since your wealthy grandmother passed down the hybrids that you’re going to live with in her enormous house. You weren’t too excited about the news at first, having heard nothing but the word “responsibility” pop into your brain, however you couldn’t help but accept the gift once the will was stated as you sat in the chair of the office.

Once all was set, you moved yourself as well as your belongings into the mansion she once lived in, sort of creeped out by the fact that her ghost may or may not be lingering. Regardless, the situation had been unsettling considering she died inside the home. You mentally shook your anxiety away as you gathered your things from the car, thinking about how you and the hybrids would get along. The note she left had warned you of all concerns as well as facts about them.

So far you only knew that they are all males, adults, and two out of five of them are biologically related. They are broad with strong personalities. They can take care of themselves for the most part and were sort of like her sons. All of the males have the alpha gene which is the only thing you have to worry about, as a female yourself considering their weird dominance obsession. It is common for male hybrids to compete for superiority, especially when it comes to humans. It’s a surprise that these particular beings even got along as well as they do.

They were already situated in the house so you were the outsider coming in, having had an estranged relationship with your deceased grandmother for the majority of your lives. It wasn’t until a few years before she died you reached out, finding out that she had moved to Japan and started a new life away from the family when you were a child. It was sweet, the time you spent together before she went into hospice and gave into the light. You were at peace that she was no longer in physical pain so you were able to mourn in a brighter way, the thought helping you feel better.

Once you made it to the door, you took a deep breath and walked into the manor to begin your new life, set for the rest of your days by the blessing from your grandmother’s will. When you finally walked in, you were met with the smell of vanilla with a pinch of cinnamon, the beautiful decor shining amongst the white walls, reflecting off the marble floor perfectly. You weren’t used to such luxury, your gaze stuck on the maroon furniture placed in the foyer. A long staircase wrapped around a pillar to the left of the entrance facing inside.

You walked further, passing the foyer and walking through the arch. A butler stood, greeting you as he grabbed your luggage, leading you to your new bedroom up the stairs. You eye the doors you pass as you both stroll down the hall. He bows once you make it to the room before leaving you to your lonesome. You eye the large bed that you couldn’t wait to lay in for the first time. It looked far better than anything you’ve ever slept on, including the pillows.

You set your luggage down and gaze at the rest of the room, glancing at your balcony as well as the television and electric fireplace under it. A maroon rug on the cream carpet placed in front of the bed as well as an ottoman, and a walk-in closet near the bathroom’s door that’s connected through the bedroom. You decide to unpack your stuff later, eager to get meeting the hybrids over with as soon as possible. When you walk out of your room, you check the halls both ways as you listen for a presence near, to no avail. You move to the staircase before ascending down all the while gently holding the railing.

You walk through the foyer, surprised to not see any butlers or hybrids as you make your way to the living space. You perk up when you hear rustling in the kitchen, rushing to the area. You see a cabinet open, covering a face as they’re bent over, blonde tail sticking up as they search for something.

“Hey.” You say, attempting to make your presence known though you watch as the person ignores you and continues their hunt. You stood awkwardly as you fiddled with the hem of your shirt.

Damn. Should I walk away?

Finally the male grabs whatever he was looking for and stands up straight, closing the cabinet’s door before looking at you as he tears the bag of a snack. His blonde hair sways as his attention shifts to you, dark eyes boring into yours as he takes a bite. His ears stick out above his head, perking up as he chews.

“Who are you?” He says, accent thick even with his mouth full, swallowing before taking another bite. One of his hands is placed in his pocket as his tail sways to the other side. His face holds an unreadable expression.

“Y/n. I’m G/n’s granddaughter.” He hums before nodding, staring at you for a little longer before walking towards the doorway, turning slightly to the side to eye you.

“Mikey.” He says before disappearing into the hall. You stood frozen in your position.

I guess that wasn’t so bad. That must’ve been the lion. He was shorter than I thought he’d be. Four more and the hardest part will be over.

You walk out of the kitchen and head out of the den down the second hall. You hear music from a familiar videogame you once played, following the sound as you prepare yourself to meet whichever hybrids are playing the game. When you reached the closed door, your hand wrapped around the doorknob. You twist the object and push the door open, entering the large room that seems to be the game room, considering the futuristic look and electronic devices that surround the area. A large flat - screen displays the game as you face the back of the gaming chairs that hold two people.

You notice one of their tails hanging to the side of the chair, indicating one of the leopards your grandmother noted. “They come off mischevious though they do have a sweet side once you surpass that phase, but don’t forget that it isn’t a facade. They find amusement in others’ suffering.”

You’re glad she was honest though it didn’t calm your nerves in the slightest. Hybrids are known to be dangerous by nature considering their societal views of the world surrounding them. It comes from a survival instinct that somehow turned into play. They are intimidating creatures, especially when they are exotic which is why they are so expensive. You move into the room further before clearing your throat quietly.

“Hello.” You state, awaiting a response as the screen continues on. The only one who acknowledges you is the person who turns their head on the left, revealing tiger ears as their golden eyes meet yours. His lips upturn into a wide grin, turning in his seat to where he sits sideways, the tiger tattoo on his neck prominent under his long black and blonde hair, as well as the tail that sticks out on the other side of the chair.

“Hey there.” He greets. “Do you know Japanese?”

You shook your head as your hand reached the back of your neck in embarrassment, smiling sheepishly. “Nah. Sorry about that.”

“You knew you were moving here yet didn’t bother to learn basic Japanese? How smart of you.” Another voice says from the seat next to the tiger who chuckles in response.

You didn’t know what the first part of his speech was, but considering the last part of it you could tell it probably wasn’t the nicest statement. Irritation creeps in but you didn't want to assume the worst so you ignored the remark.

“Kazutora.” He states before nodding over to the man who sits next to him. “That’s Rin.”

“Cool. Y/n.” You respond.

“Well, nice to meet ya, Y/n. I guess I’ll see ya around.” He says before giving you one last smile and turning back in his seat to face the screen. You nod to yourself before leaving the room with a “You too.”

You sigh as you make your way out of the hall and towards the staircase. You walk up the stairs heading to your room before deciding to find the last two cats. Then you can breathe and focus on unpacking. As you walk past the upstairs balcony, you stroll down the hall that holds the doors to the bedrooms. You notice a cracked door as well, whispers and the sound of a man talking low. The closer you get the more your eyebrows furrow as you hear wet smacking sounds. When you look through the crack, your hand covers your mouth as you eye the display.

Long pink hair drapes over the shoulders of the man bent over with his face against the bed, a red hue covering his face as drops of sweat cause his skin to glisten. His eyebrows are furrowed as his nose scrunches, fingers gripping the comforter as his body rocks against the man behind him while his ears are flat. The jaguar’s tail is held behind him by the long haired leopard’s hand, naked body glistening with sweat along with highlighting the large tattoo embedded on his torso, all the while he pounds into the man below him. His other hand grips his hips, claws piercing the skin as their skin smacks together. Both men pant while releasing occasional moans and praises.

Once your eyes make contact with purple you swiftly move away and rush towards your room, slamming the door behind you as you press your back against it. You had not expected any of that but you didn’t plan to act weird about it. It just caught you by surprise as well as making you embarrassed for being caught watching.

You sigh before turning your own tv on and beginning your unpacking process. Once you finished you heard a knock at your door. You yell, “Come in!”

The door opens to reveal the butler from earlier.

“Dinner is ready, madam.”

“Oh, thanks. Also, you don’t have to call me madam.”

“Yes, L/n” You shrug as he leads you to the empty dining room. You sit in one of the chairs and watch as the chef comes out with a covered plate, setting it in front of you before lifting it to reveal your delicious smelling dinner. You didn't hesitate to dig in, causing some to drip out of your mouth. You’ve honestly never tasted something so delectable in your life. You down the plate of food so fast, you take a second to breathe before you ask for more, tempted to get up on your own and grab it from the chef’s station.

“You’re gonna choke if you slurp it down like that again.” A voice says from the entrance of the room, causing you to turn your head in their direction. You immediately felt warmth in your face when you see the leopard from earlier, his long black and blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, swaying as he walks in before sitting at the table.

His ears stick up as his tail moves to rest against his lap, fingers connected as his face leans on the back of his hands. His leg crosses as a sly smile falls along his expression. A strand of hair falls in front of his face as his droopy eyes gaze at you from across.

“I’ll be fine.” You respond just as another plate of food is placed in front of you. “Y/n.” You shake off your anxiety considering it’s really not a big deal. They could’ve at least closed the door.

“Haitani Ran.” He offers a hand, dark claws out causing you to hesitate before accepting with your own.

He takes the opportunity to lift the back of your hand to connect his lips, releasing you as he licks the taste of your skin off his lips. You ignored the residue tingle left on your hand and began to eat your second plate. You glance at the other men who entered the room, noticing all of them except the lion.

They all sit in their seats, Rin beside Ran and the pink haired male next to them. Kazutora takes a seat next to you.

“Wonder what’s on the menu.” Rin states sarcastically.

“Our favorite as always.” Ran responds with a knowing look.

“How do you think she’ll react?” Kazutora asks with amusement.

“She wouldn’t know the difference, you know how dense humans are.” The scarred male says.

You wish you would have at least looked into a translation tool of some sort because you try telling yourself that they’re just having a normal conversation but you feel like you’re being shit - talked. You know that it’s a ‘you’ problem but the tone and energy that comes with their speech has been off.

“Hey, I’m Y/n.” You say to the male you have yet to meet. He gives you a bored look before stating, “Sanzu.” Mikey finally entered the dining room with his arm rubbing against his tired eyes. He heads to the seat on the other side of you and sits after pulling the chair back. He leans over the table with his head lying on his palm.

“Had a nice nap?” Kazutora questions.

“Not long enough.” He says with a soft voice.

“You came earlier than usual.” Rin says before turning to his brother. “You owe me.” To which Ran rolled his eyes.

The same chef as earlier, along with a few others came out with covered plates and set them in front of the hybrids. They also poured their preferred beverage into the wine glasses. Your eyebrows furrowed as to how you forgot to ask for your own drink or why they didn’t have a cup already out like everyone else.

Well, I am new so it’s probably nothing personal.

When they lifted the cover, you eye the chunks of raw meat along with the side dishes surrounding the plate. The smell was enticing though you’ve never been one to enjoy raw food in fear of the repercussions.

I guess they are technically big cats so it’s healthy for them.

You’ve never seen meat that looks quite like what’s on their plates. You watch as Sanzu rubs his meat into the red substance that puddles around it before lifting the chopsticks to his mouth.

“What is that?” You hope to not come off rude or ignorant though you were just so curious you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. Some of them gave each other looks all the while snickering or rolling their eyes.

“Fresh human.” Mikey says casually before taking another bite. Your eyes widen, hand holding your own chopsticks pausing as you stare down at your plate.

“Don’t worry, your dinner is animal meat.” The golden eyed tiger reassures you. Unfortunately, you’ve seemed to have lost your appetite.

“So, how do you obtain human meat?” You ask.

“By cooking a human.” Rin snorts. You glare at his smart ass answer and look over to the others.

“Your grandmother has freezers full of cut human slabs by those who signed off on donating their body parts to the Hybrid - Food Society Association.” Ran explains before taking another bite of food.

“They’re cleaned thoroughly before they’re slaughtered considering most donations are only after they’re dead.” He continued, “lucky for us only the healthiest of humans are chosen to be a meal specially made for the exotic hybrids such as us.”

How have you never heard of this before? Then again they only make normal pet food for non - exotic hybrids. You’ve never even been around a regular hybrid let alone the type you have to live with now. You nod your head as you prevent the bile from coming up your throat. You know that humans are technically just chunks of meat with legs, still on the food chain for other species and even on their own at times. You still couldn’t help but feel disturbed. They could decide to eat you at any moment and you’d be done for.

You turn to the chef and give your thanks before standing up and nodding a dismissal to the rest of the men, heading to your room so you could take a moment to relieve yourself of the anxiety forming. When you reached your bedroom, you decided to take a shower, gathering a pair of pajamas before entering your bathroom and turning the faucet on. After your shower you completed your nightly routine and hopped into bed.

After a few hours of scrolling and not being able to sleep, you climbed out of bed and walked through the hall to the staircase. Once you reach the den, one of your eyebrows raise at the tiger who sat on the couch leaned over. As you walked around you noticed the tray on his lap as well as the opened wrap in his hands that he brought to his lips to lick the lining before rolling the leaf, closing around the green flower. His ears perked up as he turned slightly to look at you.

“Want some?” He says with a smile and tilted head, holding the joint up.

Sitting on the balcony connected to his room, you both pass the stick as you converse about whatever comes to mind, slight laughter along with semi - deep conversation that’s lingering between the surface and depth. A moment of silence included with the level of ganja consumed enhanced your need for sleep, you lying on the ground as your legs hang off the edge of the balcony. Your eyes flutter shut as you feel weightless under the moonlight. Your steady breathing caught Kazutora’s attention.

He turns back to look at you before finishing off the roach and ashing it out. He tossed it below, the burnt leaf disappearing into the forested area. He leaned back, connecting with the floor as he turned his head to the side to observe your sleeping face. His own expression is stoic besides the light pink hue that lingers on his face. After lying there for a moment, he sits up to lean over you and sniff near your neck, your distinct scent fuming his nostrils. One of his hands move to your shoulder as he grips the skin, sniffing a little harsher than before to receive every fume that comes from you.

A few weeks pass and you find yourself with a casual routine. Fortunately, you’ve bonded well with Kazutora though that’s not much of a surprise since he was the most welcoming. His extrovertedness did well with helping you out of your comfort zone. Today you went out to run errands. Eyeing the building to your left and noticing that it is a bakery, you decide to run in and buy a case of Mikey’s favorite treat. You knew he was running out so a quick pit stop couldn’t hurt.

When you arrived home you dropped the case on the kitchen counter before quickly taking your own stuff to your room, planning to place it in the right area once you finished setting your bags on the floor. When you made it downstairs, you stopped to see Mikey opening the case you had set on the counter. When he grabs the snack, he opens the package and sets the treat between his lips, fangs glistening before he takes a bite.

“Thanks.” He says before walking out. You shrug before sneaking one of your own and setting the rest in the pantry. You knew that he’d eat all of those within the next two to three days so you thought to snatch one to try before he eats them all.

A few days pass and he asks if you can style his hair so he wouldn’t have to. You didn’t think pulling half your hair up in a ponytail could be that much work but to each their own. You didn’t mind styling his hair, the soft strands entangling your fingers as you pulled it up to wrap the band around the section once you were finished brushing the mane. You thought his ears would make it harder for you but there was no trouble at all. He stared at the tv all the while you completed the ponytail.

From that day on he would automatically show up in your room and position himself on the ottoman at the foot of the bed. You never complained nor rejected him. It was quite the bonding experience even when you two didn’t talk at all. More weeks passed and he gradually showed more comfortability around you, making excuse after excuse just to touch you such as making you carry him, lying his head on your lap, or spooning you whenever he’d ask to sleep in your bed. You found the behavior adorable and the company appreciated.

A couple months passed and you were walking up the stairs to your bedroom after a smoke session with Kazutora. When you opened your door, the putrid smell smacked your face before you eye the red liquid from the freshly slaughtered human arm lying on your comforter. You covered your mouth before bile shot up your throat and caused you to vomit on the floor. Dry heaving and gagging, tears fall down your face at the burning liquid from your throat as well as the stench filling your nostrils.

“What a sight.” A voice says behind you though you’re too distracted to notice, running to your bathroom before slamming the door shut. Laughter filled the room.

After you got yourself together you were met with an ‘apology’ from Rin and Sanzu, though it only consisted of, “It was just a prank.” Ran offered for you to sleep in his room until the mattress and sheets were replaced, to which Mikey and Kazutora tried to argue against in order for you to stay with them instead.

A few months pass and you wake up in the middle of the night. You felt the urge to walk down the hall considering the loud noise that startled you awake. Once you did, you found one of the bedroom doors open. Walking in, you gasped when you see Sanzu on the ground completely out of it with his eyes barely open and head leaning against the wall. You immediately take action and stick your fingers into his throat forcing him to vomit whatever he consumed. Once he came back to consciousness you wrapped your arms around him and cried on his shoulder for his safety, his own eyes staring ahead into the space across from where you sat.

Unknown to you, after a week passed he made himself a routine of observing you while you slept. Sometimes he would even climb in the bed, accidentally waking you up though you weren’t concerned, embracing the jaguar in your arms as you fell back into slumber.

One day, you just couldn’t take your eyes off of Ran’s long hair. You asked if you could play with it, as it reminded you of the mannequin heads you received as a little girl. He didn’t mind. As a matter of fact he fell asleep numerous times on your lap, nuzzling comfortably against your thighs as your fingers traced his scalp. Sometimes, he’d even ask you to downright scratch his head, his body reacting slightly as the tingles go straight down his spine. It was cute.

A month passed and you were walking through the rest of the mansion you had yet to see. You almost passed a room until the leopard patterned ears caught your attention. You watched as Rin worked out in the gym, lifting large weights. You eye the matching tattoo that sits on the opposite side of his brother’s torso. Never really exercising consistently, you walk into the room and grab the smallest weights as a joke before standing next to him and lifting your own, giving him a humorous smile. He side glances at you before you turn away, continuing to lift as you miss the red hue forming on his face.

A year passed and you decidedl that it’s time for you to meet other humans who reside in Japan. Having been slacking on your social skills, you couldn’t help the nerves that struck when you went out to meet a group of people you’ve never met before you were hit up on social media. You made sure to dress appropriately considering you all would be bar hopping and running around the booming streets of a popular city. The night was spent with pure joy and good energy as you all roamed the area. The hours reach the am and you finally return home, a little tipsy as you stumble into the foyer.

“Where were you?” You almost jolt out of your skin when you try passing the den, turning to see Kazutora sitting on the sofa with a leg crossed.

“Oh, you scared me.” You giggle in relief. His expressionless gaze caused you to quiet down before you responded to his question. “I went out with some people I met.”

“Who?” He asks in a serious tone. You raise one of your eyebrows.

“What is this an interrogation?” He holds his hands up in surrender with a sheepish smile.

“It was just a question.” You sigh before shaking your head.

“I-I’m sorry about that, I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive.” You drop your purse on the floor before sitting next to him.

“It’s alright. Wanna smoke?” He questions before he feels your head leaning against his shoulder. Your quiet breathing indicated your slumber. He sits up and turns his body towards you, shifting you to lean back on the couch before diving into your neck, sniffing the scents from the various humans that had been in your presence. His expression turns into irritation, a drop in his stomach as he feels the need to scrub your body clean of the stench that surrounds you. Instead, he helped you to bed.

A few weeks pass and you go on a date. The meeting was nice and the guy really made your day with his gentlemen - like behavior. You stepped out of the car after he dropped you off. He walked you to your door before you gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him, “Bye.” When you entered the door, you were immediately grabbed by the arm while you were sniffed by Rin.

“Gross.” He hissed before dropping your arm and walking away. Leaving you confused as you stood in your spot. On another occasion you were in the middle of braiding Ran’s hair while he faced you with his legs over yours, both of you sitting on your bed.

“Wouldn’t you rather watch tv than me?” You chuckled. He shook his head with a smile.

“Nope.” He says before pushing you on your back and climbing on top of you, nuzzling his head between your shoulder and positioning himself comfortably enough to nap. You roll your eyes and shift your attention to the flat screen while caressing his back until you fall asleep on your own.

When you went to the bathroom after you both woke up and he left your room, your eyebrows furrowed at the marks left on your neck. Tracing them as you stared deeply into the mirror. You confronted him though he promised to not do it again, he didn’t listen. You begin to hide it with makeup when going out only for the foundation to show up missing each time, causing you to stop buying new products considering they’d disappear anyway.

“Master, my dorayaki is gone!” Mikey whines as he sits on top of your lap, legs circled around your waist as you sit on the sofa in the den. You pull him back by the arms while giving him a look.

“Mikey, I’ve already told you to stop calling me that.”

He continues to whine about his missing dorayaki, ignoring your statement as he calls you the preferred name over and over.

“I can’t get you more if you don’t get up.” To which he replied, “Then take me with you.”

“You’d still have to get down.” He paused above you, sniffing your neck before you felt a long wet muscle leave a trail of moisture.

“Mikey!” You gasp.

“All I can smell is Ran’s stupid scent on you.” He hissed before he continued to lick and mark up your neck with his own scent. You ignore the chills running up your back as you attempt to push him off though his grip is keeping you locked. His tail wraps around one of your arms while his hand grabs your other wrist, preventing you from pushing against him. You huff frustratingly.

You’ve been noticing the absence of a few of your clothing. The only thing you know is that someone has been stealing from your dirty clothes basket. It probably doesn’t worry you as much as it should but you couldn’t really do anything about it without the risk of accusing the wrong person and causing a problem. It wasn’t until one night you walked into Sanzu’s, seeing him naked and asleep as he held one of your favorite shirts. Your eyes widen at the pair of your panties tangled around his limp cock.

You immediately leave the room, shutting the door behind you and walking back to your bedroom. You brush the memory off as something to do with their instincts and comfortability or something, you don’t really know how to react to that. You didn’t bring it up nor did you say anything about it to anyone else. You’ve caught a few of them either having intercourse or masturbating but never once with your clothes. Not until then or until you ended up finding Kazutora sniffing your panties with drowsy eyes all the while Mikey pounding his ass above him, his head leaning on the tiger’s back while he gripped his waist. Now that was a sight you hadn’t expected to see at all.

You just thought that they all had a harmless crush on you and didn’t know what to do with it besides their sexual escapades so you didn’t say a word. You didn’t find a problem with their behavior until you had a visitor. You had no idea why they acted so rudely to your new friend, her being a girl who you were not attracted to in the slightest way sexually or romantically. It was clear the platonic friendship you had going on but for them to just outright go out of their way to aggressively make her uncomfortable is insane to you. You refrained from inviting anyone else over. It seemed to have just gone downhill from there.

One night you woke up and felt cold air hitting your whole body which made no sense considering you fell asleep warm in your pajamas. What you hadn’t expected was the moisture hitting one of your nipples nor the muscle sliding against your clit. Two pairs of purple eyes glower at you all the while continuing their assault. Claws slightly penetrate your thighs as well as the breast that’s being held against a mouth. Your hips buck before you sit up and push the older brother back, as well as the head of the younger.

“Rin! Ran! What in the fuck?!” You exclaim.

You had them all sit down in the den, the males holding expressions of boredom or little care for what you were going on about. You set boundaries about everything that had made you uncomfortable. The only reason you were explaining anything was because they are all hybrids and have different sets of rules and social constructs than regular humans. Although disturbed you decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, hoping things would get better.

You made an unfortunate decision, attempting to invite another friend over, this time a male. Considering there had been some time that passed and the hybrids had listened to your concerns, you thought that you could finally have some company. It was very late by the time you both realized the time, you being nice and offering him to stay in one of the guest bedrooms and sleep over. When you hadn’t heard from him or seen him walk out of the room, you decided to check in. Only for you to let out a scream of terror at what was left of the mauled body lying on the bed. You couldn’t stop trembling as you hyperventilated, Kazutora rubbing your sides as he held you against his chest while the maids cleaned the mess.

A few days pass as you stay locked in your room. You get up from the bed and head to your grandmother’s old bedroom on the other side of the mansion. You searched for anything that could notify you of the violence that occured. Some piece of information on how to stay safe or figure out how to lessen their weird behavior. The only thing you found was your grandmother’s journal. You sat in your bedroom and read the entire passage. Your hands tremble as realization smacks you in the face. When you couldn’t find anyone upstairs, you rushed down to the game room after passing the empty den.

All of them were either sitting on gaming chairs or the couches, focusing on what was displaying on the screen. You walked to the tv, unplugging it and throwing the journal on the ground. You contemplated just making your exit quietly but you were so angry you acted out of emotion.

“What the fuck did you do to my grandma?! Who are you and what was your plan?”

They all stare at you with absent expressions. The only thing that could be heard was your heavy breathing.

“What are you talking about?” Kazutora questions. You shake your head.

“No don’t fucking try to manipulate me you know exactly what I’m talking about!” You say before grabbing one of the unused controllers near the tv and chucking it at him, only for him to dodge it.

“And what do you think you’re gonna do about it, huh? She’s dead and you’re lucky we spared you.” Rin says with irritation. Your eyes widen.

“Lucky you spared me?! Your plan was to kill me after poisoning her to death so you can steal everything from us!” You exclaim. “You lied to her and she was too old to notice that she even wrote it herself! You knew she didn’t have her right mind so you manipulated her into thinking you loved her!” The sound of another controller breaking catches your attention.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. We loved her like our mother.” Sanzu growls.

“Then why did you gradually kill her to steal from her! You don’t do that to people you love!”

“It wasn’t part of the plan to bond with her. She was just some old rich lady before we got to know her.” Ran says with a stoic expression. You scoff.

“Oh please! You’re fucking terrible!” You exclaim before walking to the exit. Before you could leave the room you were snatched by your arm.

“Where are you going?” Mikey questions while gripping your arm with his claws slightly piercing your skin, dark eyes glaring into your own orbs.

“Away from you freaks.” You hissed attempting to pull your arm away from him only to get thrown on the ground. You land with a thud along with a grunt when the back of your head meets the carpet.

Before you can get back up, you’re forced on your back, Mikey climbing on top of you and pinning you to the ground.

“LET ME GO!” You roar, fear mixing with the anger as the grip on your wrists tighten. His tail wraps around your neck in a tight hold, blocking your airway while he stares down at you with a cold look. You stare wide eyed as you struggle in his hold.

“Calm down, Y/n.” Kazutora says as they all gather around, him crouching down to eye you from above.

“Knock her out already.” Rin states before Sanzu pressed harshly against your pressure point, causing you to go limp immediately.

“It’s okay.” A voice cooes in your ear from behind. Heat covers your body as you groan while slowly coming to reality. The only light is the moonlight reflecting into the room, causing a hollow glow. You feel your own body rocking as the feeling of being stretched from below causes you to gasp. Hands grip your shoulders as your stomach is pressed against the bed. You hear panting behind you as kisses are placed on your neck and shoulder.

“I… hah, love you so much. Fuck!” Kazutora breathes out as he rocks his lower body against yours, sliding his thick erection out of your body before shoving it back inside deeply, purposefully aiming himself to hit the spot he knows will drive you crazy. You look up wide eyed at purple eyes that stare down at you from above, cock in hand right in front of your eyesight as he kneels on the bed.

“M’ so close. G-gonna fill this pussy up with my fucking cum.” His hair drapes over your back as his thrusts harden. He pulls his hips back before pressing them against your ass, accelerating his steady pace as he aims his head perfectly against your g - spot. You whimper as you bite your lip, tears streaming down your face as you turn your head the other way to not face the older Haitani. Only to be met with icy blue orbs glowering down at you with a twisted look of lust on his expression, such an intense gaze that forces you to shut your eyes tightly, waiting for the time to pass and this to be over.

Kazutora’s thrusts become harder as you feel a rise of your own stomach, the stimulation getting the best of your body before you release, the male over you holding his hips against your ass before he shoots ropes of cum inside of you. Breathing heavily, you feel his weight lift off of you before forcing you to turn over on your back. You cry out when Mikey crawls in between your legs, holding your legs up as he positions himself to push inside.

“I hate you! I-I hate all of you!” You hysterically cry, using your fists to bang against Mikey’s chest before Rin appears in your vision, grabbing your chin as he leans over, red hue covering his cheeks.

“Shut up.” He says before forcing you into a passionate kiss.

Once they were all done taking their turns with you, you were carried to the bathroom to get cleaned up by Ran. Your limp body is exhausted from being used by the stronger species, worn out and broken from the inside out. You knew that the next day would be spent planning your escape.

[buckets-and-trees]

Fandom: MCU Title: The Pool Party Op Characters/Pairings: Bucky Barnes x female!Reader, Sharon Carter Word Count: 1.2k 

Summary: Post TFATWS. The Power Broker hasn't made any major plays, but finding out who they are is still a priority. Bucky has been working on and off with Sharon to track them down as there are potential leads. This mission has them attending a luxury pool party in The Maldives.

Content Warnings: sexual situations (kissing, vaginal fingering, vaginal penetration), strong language Logistical Notes: Filling my twelfth square for Bucky Barnes Bingo @buckybarnesbingo - Y5 "Pool Party" - and Hot Bucky Summer Week 8 - "How did you meet?" undercover mission, high stakes op.

↠ Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

“You’re sure that–“

“Yes, I’m sure, Bucky,” Sharon cut him off over the comms. “I’ve told you a hundred times. Everyone here lives in the grey area and after everything you were technically responsible for leading with the Thunderbolts team, the status of you as the reformed and squeaky-clean good boy is not a widely held belief anymore.”

“I know you managed to get me on the Power Broker’s guest list, but I still think this is too easy,” Bucky murmured loud enough for Sharon to hear.

“Tell me when you haven’t been able to trust me.”

He sighed. “I know.”

“And if things go sideways and you have to go full Winter Soldier mode on someone, all the better for convincing them you’re back in the Big Bad Business.”

“It just feels weird to know I’ll be strutting around with the arm on full display.”

“So that’s the real problem. It’s a pool party. People will look at your arm, but then your abs are going to steal the show.”

Bucky could feel the immediate flush of heat rushing up his neck, over his ears, and cheeks.

“I’ll get you in. The plan will work. Just be ready to improvise – I only told you half the plan because I knew you would argue with me over the rest of it. I’m going radio silent now so you can’t bitch at me and because that was already part of the plan anyway. Make good choices, Buck. I’ll check in with you in twenty and see you at the extraction point in forty-five.”

Bucky closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, and took a few deep breaths. This was, in fact, not the first time Sharon had gone rogue on a mission, but he did trust the track record they had together. He would never tell her a part of him reveled in the challenge that went with working blind or having to improvise. She didn’t need that kind of encouragement.

And he trusted her, which was more than he could say for most of the people he got assigned to work with or who assigned him to missions these days.

Bucky was always wary of putting operatives who were basically civilians into the field during missions, but he understood that sometimes the objective required it to ensure they achieved their objective.

Sharon had told him that much – that he would be working with a desk agent and providing cover for the mission in addition to actual security and extraction if it came to it. She said she would be talking to his assignment when he arrived, they would make eye contact, and then Sharon would move out so Bucky could move in.

They still didn’t have credible leads on the identity of the Power Broker, but merely being at the party, Sharon was going to mingle and grab facial scans for as many people as she could with the photo-contacts she’d been issued while Bucky assisted with the other key objective.

The Power Broker’s communications were behind an impenetrable wall that the team at the CIA had been unable to hack for over a year, so when they got a tip the Power Broker was hosting a glamorous end of season pool party at their luxury vacation home – or in this case, summer fortress. The play was to bring one of the CIA’s top hackers to a party Sharon was tapping into some of her old Madripoor experience to get them on the list for, and access and bleed whatever information they could from inside the system.

That hacker was you.

He sighed when he saw it was going to be a standard meet-cute play, sneak into the house to find someplace more private, and clearly that place would be the home office. He excused himself from the present company he’d been an idle party to conversation with and moved to the steps out of the pool, grabbed a towel from the rack, and wrapped it around his waist, then grabbed two drinks off a tray one of the servers was circulating around the crowd and approached you.

The plan was good. He didn’t like it at first, but he was sold on it now.

His lips on your neck, his right hand cupping your mound and his left hand palming the delightful weight of your breast in his left hand, grinding his hips against your ass, this plan was perfect.

The soft, broken whimpers escaping your mouth were satisfying, indulging a hunger he didn’t know he’d been suppressing until it was finally unleashed in this moment. Now he didn’t want to stop.

It seemed like you didn’t want him to stop either. 

The person who had come to check on the room and “caught” them was long gone, wouldn’t be coming back any time soon, and if they did they seemed too mortified to do more than check for noises and maybe knock on the door, but Bucky could tell they wouldn’t open the door again, so… he could stop, but there seemed no reason not to carry on.

He pressed hot kisses along the column of your throat from the base up to just below your ear, then paused to ask, “This okay?”

“Yes, yes,” you managed.

“You want–“

“More,” you moaned, putting your left hand over his to encourage him to continue his ministrations there, and clutched at his bicep with the other.

He didn’t need more encouragement than that. Bucky sunk two fingers into your slick cunt, and you rocked up against him. He smiled and licked the shell of your ear.

“Bucky…”

Your tone seemed almost hesitant, so he slowed for a moment. “What is it?”

“I mean more, Bucky,” you said.

“Fuck,” he groaned as you pushed back roughly against his hard cock. “You can have it, doll.”

Your hands reached back to tug his swim trunks down. He took over, pushing them down his thighs, and you hooked your own fingers into your swim bottoms to drag them down, and you leaned forward, resting your forearms against the desk, presenting your pretty pussy for him.

Fuck.

Okay.

He lined up the head of his cock with your slit, then pushed in and gripped your hips. The first full thrust he took slowly, sinking in balls deep. You were such a shy thing, and half of the fun once he’d discovered that had been flustering you, standing too close – because he needed to in order to keep the cover intact, the intentional but not strictly necessary touches, and now to have you decidedly not shy any longer as he pumped in and out of you.

He could do more missions like this.

↠ Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

[seasons-of-death]

Heartbreak Prince

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Female Reader

Synopsis: Someone knocks on the door of Eddie's trailer, and you don't realize how much it breaks his heart to see you hurt.

Word count: 2k

Warnings: angst and fluff, comfort, explicit language and cursing, underage drinking.

A/N: I haven't posted since July, and honestly, it's been because I've been busy with life, and because there wasn't anything or any character that inspired me. Even my birthday went by! But because of a similar event in my life, I was inspired to write this :D Kind of sad, no? I hope you enjoy this, my writing skills might be rusty, but I tried my best!

The sound of music blaring through the trailer Eddie lived in wasn't anything unusual, the crappy stereo in his bedroom blaring Judas Priest with the volume knob turned all the way up, the boy pretending that the occasional crackling of the cassette wasn't bothering him.

He could hear the rain pattering against the steel roof of the trailer, tapping his guitar along to the noise in deep thought. Never before had he felt so uninspired, so bleak. In front of him laid the notebook where he usually wrote lyrics in, the page in front of him completely blank except for the messy drawing of a clown he had scribbled at the edge of the paper.

Eddie had been feeling this way for a while now; for the good part of the past month, there had been nothing new added onto the pages of that book but bad scribbles and the occasional math homework when he actually got bored enough to work on it.

His sulking was interrupted by a loud rapping coming from his door that almost startled him to his feet, the boy put his guitar back in its usual place as he stumbled to the front door, almost tripping on a pair of black jeans he had left on the floor.

A wide grin took over his face as he peeked out of the window, seeing a familiar girl standing there, but as he opened the door, the smile on his face slowly crept away.

You stood there in a rain-soaked brown cardigan covering your short t-shirt and your jean shorts, your arms crossed in front of your chest and a bottle of whiskey in your tight grip, a look of fury on your face that he hadn't seen before; one that he knew wasn't aimed at him.

"What's wrong?" He asked, letting you into the trailer as you took an angry swig out of the bottle, "What were you doing out in the rain? I could've come get you-"

"He cheated on me." You said with a grunt, taking another swig out of the bottle, Eddie worrying that the liquid would spill with the amount of motioning you were doing with your hands as you spoke. "I can't believe it. He actually cheated on me!"

"I think we're done with this." He muttered quietly, taking the almost full bottle out of your grasp and placing it on the table without you even so much as noticing, too busy pacing around the trailer with irritation. "Who cheated on you?"

"Aaron." You scoffed, Eddie furrowing his brows as he leaned against the counter, "You know, the dick who-"

"I know who Aaron is, but didn't you break up half a year ago?"

"That's not the point!" You ran your hand through your wet hair, pacing around while trying to straighten out your thoughts. "We broke up five months ago, but during gym, I heard Lacey say that it was her and Aaron's seven-month anniversary. This means that while he was dating me, he was two-timing me with fucking Lacey! That hag knew we had been dating for way over a year! Everyone knew! She was bragging to her little friend about how she stole him from me!"

"Shit-"

"He told me it was because we both had too much baggage, I guess his baggage was the fact that he was fucking Lacey Jones in the back of his pickup!"

Eddie felt his heart stop in his chest as he noticed the red scratch on your cheek, blood matted around the wound. His hand took hold of your chin, turning your cheek to him as he inspected it.

"What?" You asked irritatedly, your brows furrowed.

"What's on your cheek?" He asked, causing you to beeline towards the closest mirror in a fury, a chuckle leaving your lips as you inspected your face.

"Guess that bitch must've gotten a scratch in." You laughed.

"I think we should clean that up."

"Yeah, you don't know what kind of bacteria that wench could have had on her fake nails before I ripped them off."

Eddie made his way towards the bathroom, searching through the cabinets for some kind of antiseptic; he was sure that Wayne kept a whole collection of them with the number of scratches and wounds Eddie had come home with.

"Did you actually rip her nails off?" You heard him call out from the bathroom, letting out a laugh.

"At least two."

"Why would you even attack her? You've gotten over him already, haven't you?" He said, approaching you with a bottle of disinfectant in his hand and a roll of toilet paper in another as he motioned for you to sit down.

"I got over him a long time ago," You said, sitting down on one of the kitchen chairs, "But it wasn't because I liked him, or anything. It was because he betrayed me and because she felt all too happy-go-lucky that she got my sloppy seconds. You should've heard what she said."

"What did she say, then?" Eddie asked, putting some disinfectant on a piece of toilet paper and grabbing your chin softly to lift it up.

"She said that I was so pathetic. That I was a tease, who couldn't keep Aaron because I didn't want to sleep with him. That I was a boring little freak he was just leading on until he found someone he actually wanted. That he would never really love someone like me, someone who had so many issues. She was so proud of it, proud of taking him from me like he was some kind of prize. She acted like she won something."

You didn't even feel the sting of the antiseptic, nor the wetness gathering in your eyes, keeping your gaze to the ground as Eddie held onto your chin, lifting it up as he pressed the toilet paper on your cheek as softly as possible.

"She was wrong." He said quietly, a chuckle leaving your lips as you sniffled quietly, "I'm serious."

"What if she's not, though?"

Eddie scoffed, throwing the used paper into the trash can as he took hold of the bandage, "Because the moment that she's not going to be the perfect little girlfriend Aaron wants, he's just gonna go to the next one. Guys like that always do that. It doesn't have anything to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that he was an asshole who didn't deserve you. I knew that from the moment I met him, and I knew it all throughout your relationship."

"Why didn't you tell me that, then? That you knew that he didn't deserve me?" You let out a little chuckle, looking up to see your friend shaking his head slightly, "What?"

"Because I was afraid it'd seem like I was jealous." He said, pressing the bandage over the wound on your cheek.

"Why would it?"

"Because I was." He said casually.

"What?"

"We're done?"

"What do you mean done?"

"I meant your cheek." He chuckled, Eddie thinking that the puzzled look on your face made you look adorable even with the smudged mascara around your eyes. "Do you want something to eat? You should at least change into something else, I should still have some of your clothes in my closet. Or you can wear something of mine, whatever you're most comfortable in."

"Hold on," You said, pointing your finger at him, "Why were you jealous?"

"Why do you think?"

"I don't-"

"Because I like you. I liked you before you were dating that douche, while you were dating him, and after. Even when you were forcing me to watch those crappy romantic movies you secretly cried to, telling me that you'd kill me if I told anyone."

"Why didn't you tell me?" You stood up, looking into his eyes, trying to see if he was lying to you. For you, his eyes were like the mirror in Snow White. Every time, even with the simplest things, you could look into Eddie's eyes and know if he was lying to you. But as you stared intently into his brown eyes, everything inside of you was telling you that he was being truthful. "Why didn't you tell me you liked me?"

"Because I was afraid that you'd look at me the way that you're looking at me right now. Like I'm a stranger." Eddie said weakly before clearing his throat, evading your intent gaze. "We probably just have plain spaghetti, hasn't been time to buy anything else yet. Hope that's fine."

As he was turning away from you, you took hold of his wrist, the boy turning back to you with confusion, and it was now his turn to study your face.

"You're such an idiot."

But there was no time for him to look for the meaning behind your words as he was taken over by the taste of whiskey and the feeling of your cold lips on his, your wet body pressed against his warm one, blending into one as your hands tangled into his hair.

When he finally realized what was happening, he pulled you closer to his body by your waist, a definite feeling of victory inside him to finally know what it felt like to kiss you, what it felt like to tease your tongue with his. He had never felt so confident, and so inspired.

You were only supposed to give him a small kiss, but as you felt yourself being lifted up onto the dining table, your mind was in a haze from the feeling of his lips on yours, his hand on your waist feeling like they were going to burn a hole through your clothes, the heavy breaths exchanged between you covering the distant music coming from Eddie's bedroom.

As you felt his lips travel to your neck, you pressed yourself closer to him, the hungry kisses he was leaving on your neck causing you to let out a whine.

But the wordless exchange between you was interrupted by a loud clank, and as he pulled away from you, you could see that the open bottle you had left on the table you were sitting on was now knocked over, the liquid spilling everywhere.

"Shit!" You exclaimed, hopping off the table and picking it up with a laugh, looking at the puddle of whiskey that had spilt on the table, the bottle still half-full.

As you turned back to look at Eddie, both of you burst into laughter. His hands were still around your waist, and yours were still wrapped around his neck. You pressed your face to his chest, shaking your head in laughter.

"I should clean that up." He said after a while, and you looked up at him with a dazed smile, nodding at him.

"I should get changed."

"Yeah."

The dazed feeling inside of him was made worse when you got on the tip of your toes, pressing a quick kiss on his lips, a wide smile on your face as you tucked your wet hair behind your hair before turning, rushing into his bedroom.

And as he looked up at the ceiling, leaning against the table, he pressed his hand on his chest, hoping that his heart wouldn't burst out of his chest.

[callsign-phoenix]

I wrote this for a lovely anon, I hope you like it!

It is a Tom ‘Iceman’ Kazansky x pregnant!female!Mitchell!reader imagine.

Thank you @footprintsinthesxnd for proofreading!

Warnings: pregnancy, a fight, this is an AU where Goose is still alive 😊

Your brother was in a rivaling relationship with Tom ‘Iceman’ Kazansky, which was exactly why you decided not to tell him you were dating.

If you were honest, you hadn’t imagined you’d fall in love with Iceman, the cocky and restless fighter pilot, it had just been a hookup at first.

But the longer you found yourself in his bed the more drawn to him you became, and he felt the same way about you.

You started dating and you loved being with Tom, he was gentle and sweet to you in private, always making sure you were having a good time.

In contrast to your brother and Ice, you were a much more gentle and timid character, working as a kindergarten teacher near the base they were stationed at.

The men loved your nurturing side and got a lot of comfort from you, which they seemed to need because it was the opposite to their dangerous job.

Tom especially loved to just lay in your arms, feeling your fingers run through his hair and over his skin, as he closed his eyes in bliss.

The fact that your brother didn’t know about your relationship was hard for you, but it was necessary given that you knew he wouldn’t approve.

You cared for his opinion but that wasn’t why you were scared to tell him, it was more like you knew Maverick was capable of doing anything.

You wouldn’t put it past him to send you away or to manage to get Tom deported somewhere else, so you stayed silent.

It worked well for a few months, until morning sickness and cravings indicated that it would be impossible to keep it secret from your brother much longer.

You were a nervous wreck when you found out, but you had Tom and Carole with you, while her husband tried his best to keep Maverick busy enough so he wouldn’t notice right away.

It was crucial to find the perfect timing to tell him and you hadn’t found it yet, even while you were preparing for the pregnancy with the help of your boyfriend and best friend.

Carole already had a kid and she knew about the dos and don’ts, she was the one to bring you prenatal vitamins and everything else you might need.

You were all of the opinion that everything was going well, but Mav had caught on without you knowing so.

“Congrats, man!” He exclaimed as he sat down on Carole and Goose’s porch with his best friend and RIO, a broad grin on his face while Goose looked rather confused.

It took him a few seconds before he could answer, blinking repeatedly as he tried to think of what Mav might have meant.

“Why?” He replied, staring at his pilot with a look that resembled the intelligence of a cow.

“For the kid! Another baby Bradshaw? I saw Carole with the vitamins she used to take with Bradley,” Mav continued, but Goose only looked at him in denial.

“Nah man, she made me have a vasectomy the moment Bradley was born,” he laughed it off, leaving a lingering feeling of unease in Mav because the only woman Carole was close with was you.

It took Mav another five minutes before he stood up without explanation, mounting his bike and leaving Goose by himself, cursing into the silence his best friend had left.

Carole had just come by with the vitamins and you were having a calm and careful discussion about what you would be expecting and what would be expected of you during the pregnancy when the door to your apartment was thrown open, revealing a panting Maverick.

You gave Carole a questioning glance and she shook her head in similar surprise.

“How long?” Maverick asked you, his impressive brows knit together in confusion and what looked like anger.

Your confusion was still all-encompassing so you just stared at your brother, who took a few steps forward, his eyes never leaving you.

“How long have you been pregnant? And who’s the father?” He growled in anger and you could hear a hint of sadness in his voice, hurt at not having been told at all.

“Please, Mav, what are you doing here?” You tried to change the subject without having to answer, but your brother was far too resilient.

“I need to know how long you’ve been hiding this from me,” he let out, moving a few steps closer and letting his eyes roam your face.

You were about to open your mouth to answer when you heard footsteps outside, and a voice you were all too familiar with spoke up, which had your blood run cold.

“Baby, I…,” Tom began as he opened the door but he stopped talking the second he saw Mav standing there, his eyes widening in surprise and a tiny bit of fear when your brother slowly turned around.

In contrast to the slowness of the movements when he turned around, the second Mav saw Ice he lunged at him, throwing himself the last few inches and letting his fists pummel his friend and rival’s face countless times.

Tom did all he could in trying to defend himself, while Carole and you just stood in shock.

Your entire body felt as if it was put under ice water, watching your brother and boyfriend fight until Tom was on the ground, Mav’s fist repeatedly drawing blood from your boyfriend’s nose.

It took you a few seconds before you rushed to Tom’s aid, trying to pull your brother off of him, but not having the strength.

Mav was too emotional to realize who was urging him to stop so he just shook you off, throwing his arm back at you and striking your cheek with the back of his hand before you fell to the ground with the force he had used to free himself of your hindering touches.

The second you hit the ground everyone in the room held their breath, not a single person moving as all eyes were on you.

You could feel tears stinging in your eyes and your hand went to your belly to see if you were okay, and Tom reacted first out of the three of them.

He threw off Mav as if he weighed nothing and rushed towards you, his bloody fingers cupping your face and angling it so that you were looking up at him.

You were still in shock but Tom tried to calm you, his voice gentle but slightly trembling as he asked you if you were okay.

He had to repeat it a few times before you answered and Mav used the time to look back and forth between the two of you, watching his wingman with a gentleness he didn’t even know he possessed.

Your hands were shaking as you raised them to your boyfriend’s face, touching the spots that were already starting to darken with a harsh violet color.

“I’m okay, I think,” you breathed out the words more than you whispered them, but Tom used the opportunity to repeat what you had said.

“You’re okay, you’re okay, it’ll be fine,” he whispered time and time again as he moved to hug you, cradling you in his arms and rocking you back and forth slightly.

When Tom realized that there was no reason to worry for you he turned towards Mav, looking at him while he was still holding you.

“I’m sorry. We wanted to tell you but it never seemed like the right time. This wasn’t planned, but I love her more than I even love flying, so please don’t do anything stupid. I need her,” he told his wingman, who simply stared at him.

Mav moved towards you to pull you up from your position on the ground, holding onto your arms before he wrapped you in the tightest hug you had ever shared with him.

You could feel wetness on your cheeks as well as in your hair, indicating that your brother was crying, just like you were.

When you were finished hugging Mav pulled away, still holding onto you as he pressed a loving kiss to your forehead.

“I’m so sorry, are you okay?” He asked even though he knew the answer, making sure you were alright because he needed you to be.

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[shadowqueenjude]

Five years after the destruction of the Inner Circle

Five years after the destruction of the Inner Circle, Lucien and Elain took over the Spring Court and Nesta and Eris took over the Autumn Court, Feyre's POV.

Feyre couldn’t believe the progress that had been made at the Night Court.

The Illyrians had several female generals now. The Court of Nightmares had been dissolved; Velaris was open for everyone to come live. Feyre had converted two of her homes: one had become an orphanage, the other had become a refuge for all domestic and sexual assault victims. A third house was currently being renovated into a homeless shelter. All in the span of five years.

Rhysand had claimed it impossible; that such change took decades, centuries even, due to their fossilized nature. Yet, Feyre had accomplished it in five years. Turns out, Rhysand was just an exceptionally shitty ruler.

Her mate. And husband.

It no longer hurt to hear his name, or the fact that he was dead. In her time of recovery, she went over all his actions and came to realize he was, in fact, far worse than Tamlin. That he had brought out a worse version of her. She had done horrible things while she was with him. She was ashamed; that couldn’t wholly be blamed on Rhysand. She had been complacent in it, doing all those horrible things, blocking out any criticism of her actions. In other words, she had been a wretch. But she was learning to forgive herself. It was an uphill battle, but one she was currently winning. Helping improve the lives of her people was really helping. As were her friends. The replacements for the “Inner Circle.” Only, there was no Inner Circle anymore. That group had only bred entitlement and mistrust. They had looked after their own interests but not of their people. That was no longer the case.

At least part of her guilt was assuaged by the fact that the Spring Court was now thriving. Lucien and his wife and mate, Elain, had been doing an incredible job. The Autumn Court was also a much better place under the rule of Nesta and Eris.

It was incredibly surreal. Once upon a time, they were just three little human girls in a tiny cottage, sleeping in one bed and wondering when their next meal would be. Now, all three of them were High Ladies ruling over different courts of the Fae. How far they had come. Two of them were married. Feyre had a baby. And Nesta was with child.

She was glad her sisters, at least, were in domestic bliss. They had found the perfect males. Feyre, on the other hand, had had the most despicable male in the world as her mate. It didn’t sting quite so much anymore. But sometimes, she wondered about what could’ve been.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dierdre, her court overseer and a Valkyrie, walked over to her. She was a beautiful female, with large dark eyes and black hair so shiny it reminded her of the starlight pool back at the Spring Court.

“Just thinking about my sisters,” Feyre said.

Dierdre smiled. “They’re really amazing. Each of you is your own character, but all equally lovely.”

Feyre scowled. “Equally?”

Dierdre’s smile faded. She raised a brow at Feyre. “What is wrong with that?” And then something registered in her mind. “Oh. Oh.”

“What?” Feyre asked irritably. She watched as her young son played with a mini carriage set.

“Do you like me, High Lady?”

Feyre froze. It had been a while since her last relationship. Her past two had ended in a disaster. “Maybe.”

“I thought you were into males.”

“Who said I can’t be into both?” Feyre replied. “Besides, after my past two relationships, I’m rather tired of males.”

Diedre smirked. “But not females?”

Feyre shook her head, a bit breathless. Wow, she was really pretty. Her feelings for this female had crept up on her, but all of a sudden, they were fit to burst as surely as the Cauldron spit out her sisters. She had been there for her throughout the entire debacle of her husband dying. Elain had personally assigned her, and she had done an incredible job, pulling weight when Feyre was still not well.

“You’re a force,” Feyre said. “You’re the reason I’ve survived this reign.”

Dierdre blushed, shaking her head. “You’ve done an incredible job ruling, Lady. That’s all you.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Just shut up and kiss me already.”

Dierdre laughed. “As the lady wishes.”

I imagine after Tamlin and Rhysand Feyre is just sick of men and starts going after the women instead 😭 and who doesn’t want a valkyrie let’s be fr.

[braceletofteeth]

5, 12, 17, 19!

❤️🧡💛bl ask game💚💙💜

5. Favorite Female Character

Mam from Never Let Me Go (I tried talking about it once before...). Actually, it'd probably be a tie between her and Tanya (from the same series).

But while I admire Tanya because she's this strong, respectable woman, with a truly unconditional love for her child, I still feel like Mam's “flaws” are more compelling to me.

Because- well. I've been the person who judges her, I've been her, and I've been her child. I've been through all of it. And I know how people look at and what they think about women like her—so I know how easy it would have been for the ones who directed the narrative to let its audience throw stones and condemn her character without giving her a chance to speak.

Her point of view doesn't make what she did right (or wrong, for that matter), but I appreciate that there was a space within conversations for her to voice some of her feelings. Her dilemmas, her regrets, her desires.

Many times in fiction, when it's a story focused on kids or teenagers, parents are portrayed as just that—someone's parent. A mom is just a mom, and her story ends where her child's begin. I liked that Mam was a woman, and a mother, who was neither there to be antagonized nor sanctified. I liked that she made a selfish decision, put herself first, and lived the life that she wanted, as fulfilling as it could be. I liked that she knew she couldn't have everything, but still gave herself the choice of what she would rather have, despite what was expected of her. I liked that she was honest with herself, and with the ones that she loved.

12. Most Rewatched BL

After discovering it, I watched Utsukushii Kare five times between May and December last year. Would have watched it even more this year, if it wasn't for the fact I'm only now having time to rest properly. I'm planning to do the next rewatch this month, preferably this week.

The reason why I've rewatched UK many more times than any other BL is that, well, for one, it's not lengthy. You can watch both seasons + the movie and that would be little more than an afternoon/night/morning. Plus you know you're gonna enjoy every second of that time.

It's hard for me to put into concise words why I like this drama so bad, because- Man, I like everything. I like the dynamic between the characters, I like them (and to study them) individually, I like the acting, I like the chemistry between the actors, I like the BEAUTIFUL AMAZING INCOMPARABLE original soundtrack made especially for it, I like the scenarios and the vibes, I like the colors and the lighting and the angles, the moving shots, the still shots, the tension and the timing. I like the humor, I like the drama, and I like the romance. I like the way they express themselves, the acts and words they use; when, where and how they use it. I like how so many little things are meaningful throughout the story. I like how they found the exact kind of love and support they needed in their lives. I like how protective they are over each other; how jealous, mesmerized and touched they can get. I like the co-dependency and the tangible yearning. I like how it's both so intense it's kinda crazy but also so tender it makes me wanna cry.

There's nothing ever made in this world that I'd rather watch more.

17. Best Kiss

(doesn't specify what kind of kiss, but I thought it was already hard enough deciding among the mouth-to-mouth ones—so those were all I took into consideration for this.)

This may sound like a basic answer, but as long as I have eyes, and ears, and a heart... it's got to be PatPran's Rooftop Kiss in Bad Buddy.

I tried not to reach a final verdict too fast and even rewatched some of my personal favorites (KinnPorsche's separation kiss on EP6 of KinnPorsche; NuengPalm's own rooftop kiss on EP5 of Never Let Me Go; SandRay's angry-desperate kiss on EP9 of Only Friends; and others from these same three series), but in the end... There's still nothing that can compare.

It's hard to breathe watching the moments that lead to that kiss. While they kiss, you can hear Pran crying. He kissed that man like that was the only kiss he'd ever get for the rest of his life. He kissed like he had waited for a thousand years, and a thousand more wouldn't be enough to recover after.

Good luck beating that.

19. Favorite Female Actor(s)

(sorry, couldn't decide on just one!)

I was recently captivated by Nina Nutthacha performance in Love Sea. I love how expressive she is, and how you can easily identify and sympathize with the emotions she's portraying. She did impressively well in both the humorous and emotionally poignant scenes. I'm looking forward to more of her works in the future! 💕

Another actress that I like is Samantha Melanie.

Ever since her character in Until We Meet Again won over my heart, seeing her show up in other series always makes me happy, no matter how brief her appearence is. She's the kind that brightens up a room just by being there (and. also she's so pretty 😳).

[americasass81]

Shattered Hearts

Warnings 18+ for the following:- Relationship Breakup, Implied Stalking, Brief Mention of Character Death, Smut {m/f), Minor Edging, Use of Pet Names. Seriously do not read if any of this upsets you, the warnings are there for a reason. Feedback is welcomed and any mistakes are my own.

By proceeding you are acknowledging that you are over 18 and are consenting to the content below the cut.

Synopsis: Can a broken heart and a chance encounter really lead to everlasting love?  Take a shot and find out.

Author’s Note 1:- Written for @targaryenvampireslayer Blind Date Writing Challenge.  Got there eventually, right? 🤣 Still thank you for hosting this Suz and presenting me with an opportunity to finally add Clint to my masterlist.  The prompts received are as pictured below (also typed in bold throughout):- 

Author’s Note 2:- Flashback scenes in italics.

Author’s Note 3:- As usual all images have been found through google search.

Pairings:- Clint Barton x Female Reader

Total Word Count:- 4,502

Surrounded by half-drunk bodies, smoke and loud music, finishing off your drink and setting aside the empty glass, you let the last dart fly, not really caring what score it produced as long as it hit the board. Hell at this stage of the night all you really wanted to hear was the darts thump into the dartboard as hard as possible while the image of your ex's face filled your vision. Your ex. Oh how you wished you could puncture his face as you made your way towards the board, retrieved the darts and began the whole process all over again in the hopes that it would somehow release every bottled up feeling threatening to tear you apart from the inside out. But alas it wasn't meant to be. Five more rounds, too many more glasses of alcohol to count and you didn't feel any better . . . and honestly how could you?

Sweet, polite and more that willing to help out other people in any way you could, your kind nature and uncanny ability to pick out the worst possible partners in life was exactly the combination of attributes that had landed you here now drowning your sorrows and fending off every man and woman that seemed to think one night with them would magically cure you of the current mood that traveled with you like an old friend. After all, thanks to your latest failing it now appeared crystal clear that you and a lasting, long term relationship were about as compatible as chalk and cheese. Yet there was a part of you that still yearned for one.

Resting your head momentarily now against the dartboard as your hand reached up automatically to pull out the darts once more, you heard Felix's voice again and returned to the beach where he had not only told you things were over between the two of you, but that it had never really been that serious to begin with. As if it ever could be. Apparently now that he was walking away, all the nice things you had ever done for him had been a thorn in his side and to really rub salt in your wounds, he had actually proven himself to be the very worst of all your ex partners by admitting that he had in fact been seeing someone else the whole time that both of you were together and was now ready to commit to a life with her.

And all of this after you had spent the day preparing an anniversary picnic and buying him tickets to watch his favorite team play their final match of the season. God you really knew how to pick them.

Jerking back to the present now as about the seventh person this night appeared beside you, placed their hand upon your ass and asked if they could turn your frown upside down, another strained, polite "no thank you" and the now familiar path back to the white marker on the floor had you ready once more to take your hurt and anger out on the dartboard when events took you in a new and totally surprising direction.

With characteristics indicative of yet another guy, coming up to stand behind you and placing one hand on your left shoulder as his other one skimmed lightly down your right to cup the hand holding the darts, your were about to push this new chancer away, tell him you weren't interested and actually leave the bar this time when his gently uttered instructions on how to hold the dart and move your arm distracted you enough for his next words to somehow reset your entire mood and grant him a temporary opening.

"I know, Baby. I'm right here, breathe."

Relaxing back against his strong chest now despite your better judgment and allowing him to guide your body through the movements, the dart leaving your hand and lodging itself perfectly in the bull's eye, followed by two more after that, had you questioning this new turn of events and the stranger responsible for pulling it all off. Only he wasn't a stranger at all. Not really.

Releasing yourself from his embrace just long enough to return to the dartboard and pull the darts free from the center circle like always, turning around to see who you would now have to fend off, your movements and words failed you however when your eyes locked on the vision before you. For this really was someone the whole world recognised.

Short haired, flannel wearing, blue eyed and totally buff in all the places that turned you on, him walking forward to meet you now had the whole bar silently watching what happened next given that Hawkeye had left wherever it was he resided these days to spend some time amongst the normal, everyday rabble . . . and you in particular it seemed.

Placing his hands on your shoulders again and winking at you discreetly to hold your attention, he then bent forwards and rested his lips gently against yours before pulling back and speaking just loud enough for all those present to get an understanding of the image he wanted to convey. "Sorry I'm late baby, work ran a little longer than planned but I'm here now. Are you ready for me to take you home?"

Slotting yourself into this scene now and nodding your head enough for him to notice since you didn't think your voice would actually work in this situation, Clint next walked you back towards your bar stool, held up your jacket for you to slip into and then placing his hand around your waist, led you from the bar and out onto the street where the lack of people and cool night-time air broke his spell and somehow sobered you up just enough to have you turning away from him swiftly and spewing the contents of your night's activities onto the sidewalk. But at least you now felt so much better and clear headed. That is until you straightened back up to find Clint still standing where you'd left him with a concerned look on his face. It seemed you now had to finish off your night by dealing with this hero.

Wiping off your mouth now with a stray piece of tissue and dumping it then into the nearest rubbish bin, you now took in some much welcome breaths before returning to stand in front of the avenger and bracing yourself for what lay ahead. Introducing yourself and thanking him for his assistance, you next pulled out your phone to ring for a cab only to be struck mute and incredulous once again when his hand reached out to yours, snatched the phone from it and spoke once more. "Baby forgive me, but my conscience cannot allow me to have you take a cab home alone in this condition. May I?" he asked before giving you the once over and pointing you in the direction of what you could only assume happened to be his truck.

Looking now between it, him and your confiscated phone as well as the alcohol you had just deposited onto the sidewalk, you contemplated turning down his offer but figured when a slight thrumming made itself known between your ears that you didn't have much of a choice. After all being an avenger he probably was your safest option home especially if this new annoyance turned out to be the mother of all hangovers you suspected it to be. So reluctantly, you accepted his gracious offer.

Wasting no time then when you nodded your agreement once more, Clint now took you gently by the arm and walked you to his truck before opening the passenger's door and helping you inside. Then buckling you in, he next walked over to the driver's side, situated himself behind the wheel and turned to face you before asking for your address so that he could fulfill his promise to see you home safely. Which it seemed is exactly what he did. Opening your eyes at last when the truck stopped moving beneath you and the release of the safety belt signaled the journey had ended, you admitted silently to being a little surprised at the ease at which you had let your guard down and allowed yourself to actually doze off in his presence. Then again he was an avenger so you figured your safety was all but guaranteed.

Sitting there a few seconds longer now as the sight of home and the cooling night air brought you back to thoughts of your warm waiting bed, you thanked Clint once more for rescuing you as he helped you from his truck and walked you the short distance to your door. However he still wasn't ready to leave your side. Watching your hand tremble slightly as the key and lock refused to connect, Clint then graciously mirrored his actions from the bar and guided your hand and key to the lock, turned it easily and led both of you inside. Turning on the light then and walking you carefully through your place, you would have, under normal circumstances, wondered how he knew his way around your home, but in this moment as he sat you on the chair inside the bedroom door and began removing your shoes all that mattered was the bed calling out to you and the sleep it so readily offered.

Remaining on the chair now while Clint gently continued by next removing all your clothes, you knew the alcohol was winning out however when he then placed you under the covers and your hand reached out to grasp his firmly before your tired and ragged words broke the silence all around you, "stay please. It's been a shitty twenty-four hours and I just wish I had someone to hold me." Shooting his eyes down to where your hands connected, they lingered there momentarily before then landing on your face to gauge just how serious you were. Too tired now it seemed to fully function, yet still not out of it enough to let go of his hand, Clint must have seen something in your features for as morning's light hit you once again his body laying atop the other side of the bed confirmed that last night's plea had won out.

Not that it mattered at this particular moment.

Easing out of bed carefully now so as not to wake it's other occupant, you smiled softly at the sight of the orange juice and painkillers, took them gratefully and then hurried off to the en suite to take care of what had woken you up before dealing with the sight that greeted you again on your arrival back into the bedroom. For it brought with it a panic that almost turned your body rigid as images of the night before sprang to life before your very eyes. For your memories revealed that sleep hadn't quite claimed you straight away as you had hoped.

Tucked up snugly under the covers after Clint agreed to your request, him resting atop those same covers to keep you company, like he remained when you woke up, had mixed with the alcohol still thrumming throughout your system to blow your defenses apart and lay bare all the pain the darts had failed to exorcise. Retelling it all in infinite detail the story of what had landed you at that bar, as well as all the useless and unworthy lovers that had paved the way, Clint reaching out his calloused fingers to wipe away your tears were nothing compared to the words that broke through your current misery and somehow brought you comfort.

"Baby don't waste another tear on those losers. If they can't appreciate the treasure before them, there are those of us only too willing to step in and treat you right. Rest now," he ordered gently then before placing his lips tenderly against yours as sleep finally claimed both of you.

Which brought you right back to how you had just woken up and all the questions your current predicament now flooded your mind with.

For starters, how were you going to talk yourself and your guest away from the information dump your inebriated state had divulged against your will the previous night? Added to that, how were you going to wake up the avenger before you and get him out of your house and your life? More importantly however, did you even want him out of your life?

Stopping up short on this question now as the preposterous notion that last night was anything other than a kind gesture on his part told you to let him go, your mind began to wander again however as your eyes landed on his still sleeping form and your legs now took control and walked you over to his side of the bed. Dropping to your knees then and really focusing on him now, your world suddenly spun wildly on its axis with the only thought that crystallized clear in your mind . . . you didn't want him to leave.

Taking in a silent breath after this revelation before reaching gently up to place your hand against his cheek, this close to him now you finally saw the difference between the legend and the man. For this was not Hawkeye. Oh sure, it looked like him and god knows what you had so far felt of his physique certainly confirmed his years of S.H.I.E.L.D. training, but laying before you now as sleep still held his vulnerable form, you suddenly realized was not the strapping avenger known for battling alien forces, leaping backwards off seriously tall buildings or surviving his wife and kids disappearing before his very eyes.

For he hadn't survived at all. Watching on your knees still, the lines now evident on his still handsome face and the painful memories that moved his body slightly through sleep told you he had simply buried the pain and did what was expected of him while leaving behind this shell that seemed, like you, to be longing for some sort of real physical and emotional connection. And perhaps that's what drew him to you at the bar and kept him with you last night. But where did that leave both of you now?

Rising from the floor on this thought now and turning to walk away to get dressed so as not to deal with this new lingering question, Clint opening his eyes and firmly grasping your hand, as yours had his the previous night, before pulling you down onto himself and the bed as his lips caressed yours, forced you to suddenly accept that this really was something you very much wanted. Last night sure it would have been the alcohol talking, but now as dawn's light peaked through the curtains and Clint whispered words of endearment you weren't really listening to, your body seemed to take you where your heart was willing to go. Even if it was only for this one precious time.

Pulling back first for air now and looking at this man who still lay fully clothed atop the covers, your hand came up to rest against his cheek again before speaking, "I'm not sure if guys ever get asked this but, are you sure this is what you want? I completely understand if you just wanna leave," you finished hesitantly though you could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. Allowing his actions to convey all the sentiment his currently occupied mouth seemed incapable of expressing, Clint continued to kiss and caress every inch of you instead until both of your lungs screamed out for air once more and the clothing imbalance between you finally became a bigger issue.

Reaching out to remove his shirt then while also pulling off his t-shirt to reveal his extraordinary physical form underneath, you were just about to carry on the same process with his jeans when a smirk from him had him leaping off the bed while a pout now spoiled your once graceful features. For it seemed this avenger still possessed a playful streak. Bending down to remove his socks as your eyes remained glued to every miniscule action, he next lifted his head ever so slightly to look at you through his lashes as his hands then began a slow sensual trail back up his legs which you now longed to squeeze and caress.

Scooting up the bed now and resting against the headboard, your fingers mirrored the same trip downwards however when his belt became undone and his hips began to wiggle themselves free of the constraining fabric that held his equipment. Never breaking eye contact then as his hands removed the jeans and boxers, Clint now straightening back up to find your hand resting against your core still held that mischievous smirk on his face when you finally realized he had strategically positioned his hands over his privates to keep you further in suspense. Not that this situation would last long however as it seemed both of you lacked the necessary patience to prolong this delightful form of torture.

Biting your lower lip now as your fingers began to stoke the embers growing within your pussy, the softest of moans leaving your lips had Clint cursing just under his breath as his hands now took on a mind of their own and began to pump life into his phallus as both of you encouraged each other towards release while remaining completely cut off from one another. Burying your fingers then within your pussy while your thumb played softly against your clit, your ragged breaths joining with Clint's as his hand moved faster along his member finally tipped both of you over the edge and as the avenger collapsed on the bed below your feet, both of you surrendered to your first orgasms before your laughter broke through the euphoria of what you had just done.

For it seemed upon discussion neither of you had ever done anything so uninhibited before. But at the same time it didn't seem to bother either of you. Instead picking his t-shirt back up off the floor and wiping his cum off his hand, Clint then crawled up the bed and nestled himself between your legs before reaching out to take your hand previously buried deep within your flower. Moving it towards his lips then as your head shook wildly with what he was about to do, you seriously wanted to reach out and hit him however as his laughter broke through the silence once more when his t-shirt now covered your fingers and proceeded to clean each of them off as well.

Discarding the soiled material then before kissing the back of your hand, Clint next moved farther up the bed until your chests met and nothing but a whisper was all that was needed now for you to hear his answer to your long ago statement about setting him free. "Of course I want this baby and I'm not going anywhere. Now let me show you the joys of someone totally devoted to nobody but you," he continued as his thumb now wiped away a tear again while your gently uttered yes had him burying his lips against yours before he moved both of your bodies down the bed so as to make you more comfortable before he finally laid claim to everything that made you you.

And that's exactly what he did up until the point where a single lucid moment had you wondering what you had done and what on earth you had allowed to happen. For there was no going back from this it seemed. Filling yourself with alcohol and releasing all your anger for your ex and those that had gone before had irreparably weakened your defenses and now that Clint had gotten through he had you right where he wanted you . . . ready and willing it seemed to let him in and fall in a way you swore you never would. But surely there had to be some hope left to you. Some moment that would enable you to close your heart once more and protect yourself from the pain that would now inevitably come when you were once again tossed aside for someone taller, prettier or simply more alluring than you.

Finding such a moment somehow between Clint's all encompassing attention and devotion to assess your options, you had to admit defeat however when the reality of his prowess finally hit you. You were well and truly lost. Oh sure, you wanted to fight back. To scream and rage and push him off you. But not for the reasons one might suspect considering how this encounter had actually started or all the secrets you were still not privy to. After all, you did consent to this. No, as the head of his cock rested now just inside your entrance, what hurts so much in this moment was the intimacy of his actions. The softest of kisses pressed too tenderly against your fevered skin. The feel of his fingers skimming lightly over every patch of flesh they touch as if mapping out a trail to each body part they came in contact with. The just there weight of his body against yours. Strong yet light at the same time as his elbows kept his weight from crushing you completely.

And stealing a moment now to gaze into his eyes as your foreheads rested against each other, you know he feels it too. The connection that somehow goes so much deeper than that of flesh and blood and bone and penetrates the soul until each of you will recognize the other no matter what lies beyond this life . . . and the realization is beyond frightening. At least until Clint distracts you with his movements and your body begins to register a whole new set of feelings and sensations instead.

Dragging his member in and out of you slowly while his balls rested against your ass and his pubic bone set you clit on fire as if he was determined to carve out a spot for his shaft inside your pussy, you tried to control your breathing as he continued to gaze deep into your eyes while his lips caressed yours on every second or third thrust, but it seemed you would have to try something else to get him to give you what you really desired most. "Clint, please," you begged through tears and desperation as his hands now stretched towards yours and both of your fingers twined together in an embrace as old as any in existence. Both of you now couldn't get any closer . . . or so you thought.

"I know, Baby. I'm right here, breathe," Clint now repeated in answer to your plea as his hips no longer moved against you, though his cock somehow twitched within you making you feel more connected to another human being than you had ever felt before. Which was shockingly overwhelming. But still it was nothing compared to what the archer got up to next. Gazing up into his blue eyes that sparked fantastically with unshed tears, his lips devouring yours in tender kisses proved an interesting contrast to the filthy words that now left his mouth as you broke apart again to take in some much needed air. "Come on now baby, squeeze my shaft. Let me feel those silky walls clamp down and suck the life from me in a way that joins us body and soul forevermore."

Following through on his request as if you suddenly had no will of your own, one final thrust from him as your walls obeyed his very command found you and Clint moaning into each other's mouths as his release triggered your own and one orgasm blended with another over and over again until the former avenger collapsed atop you totally spent.

Returning to the world again some time later then to find yourself now stretched out atop his powerful frame, Clint's shaft still buried deep within you would not have been enough to hold you but it seemed he suspected as much as his arms also wrapped around you and held you close as his sleeping chest gently rose and fell beneath your own.

Reaching out gingerly once more to caress his face and relish this moment a little longer, your hopes of not waking him shattered just as easily however as the illusion that this could last forever when the man who made you feel like the center of existence opened his eyes and smiled at you as if the very sun itself rose and fell within your eyes. "Hey there baby, ready for another round?" he asked sleepily as his cock stirring once more within you brought your own longings back into sharp focus . . . as well as all your insecurities.

"I'm good, Clint. Besides it's not like this was ever going to be some permanent thing. You have people you need to save and I have a life I should probably get back to," you reminded him as you now tried to worm your way out of his arms and off his cock. But he wasn't having any of it. Pulling you closer now, though you still couldn't see how such a thing was even remotely possible, his lips capturing yours once more as his hips began to thrust back into you told you much more than his words ever could . . . he was not prepared to let you go.

Using his considerable skills and assets now to work you towards another orgasm, holding you on the edge just long enough however to have you whining above him brought him more satisfaction than he ever thought possible, but apparently he wanted more. "Agree to be mine baby. Promise yourself to me and from here on out love, contentment and some of the best sex in the world is all either of us will ever know," he uttered by your ear as a nibbling and sucking sensation along your neck told you that his claiming of you was ramping up another notch.

Laughing at his presumptuousness while pulling back and looking at him now through blissed out euphoria as he lifted your hips off his erection to the point where only the head of his shaft connected both of you again, you tried to fight the feelings he had awoken within you but failed miserably when your resolve was finally shattered by the softest murmured yes to ever leave your lips. Rejoicing in his victory then as his own gleeful squeals joined your own, Clint next set about spending the rest of the morning finding new ways to erase all the hurt you had ever felt while simultaneously reminding himself that he too was not yet beyond love's redeeming light.

[ownedbythescribe]

Diluc R. | Scorching Fears

ıllı Synopsis: "You can always feel scared to take the next step, but don’t let that hinder you from moving forward." Pyrophobia was not the easiest thing to overcome, but with an aid by your side, there might be a chance to utilize the vision gifted to you. And may be something more?

ıllı Genre: Romance, Fluff

ıllı Notes: None, Female Reader

ıllı A/N: This is a bit out of character I think. But, it’s also a bit cute! Ahhh! Diluc is gorgeous, but please let me have Tighnari when I lose my 50-50!

Pyro is an element often characterized by its destructive nature. It burns its path to victory, leaving ashes on its trail. It is a symbol of power, courage, and ferocity. Bards claim it is a sign of leadership and patriotism, while others contest for love and passion. However, pyro is not all about strength and power. It also possesses a gentle warmth that heals wounds, dispels fear, and mends the broken. It softly dances across the skin, eliciting a smile from its intended receiver.

Wielding a pyro vision sounded like a fairytale come true, as it was deemed a gift from the gods. An acknowledgment for the better lack of term. It would have been the same case for you if it was not for the fact that you feared the flames. It stemmed from the incident years ago when you were trapped in the storage room after saving a friend from flammable chemicals that he wished to play with. The heat that scorched your skin and the suffocating blast of the wind terrified your whole being. Even now, your body would tremble at the sight of fire.

'Five years had passed, and yet I still can't use my vision. Will... will I ever be able to get over my phobia?' You begrudgingly thought, holding tightly to the glass orb in your hand. The pyro element flickered in line with your distress. As much as you wished to use it during your commissions as an adventurer, you knew you would only freeze in panic.

“Hmm? If it isn’t, (Y/N). What are you doing here, doll?” A familiar honeyed voice asked. You turned around to see Kaeya, who gave a small wave before sitting beside you. The exhaustion from his tasks as the Cavalry Captain was evident on his face and body.

“I was… just taking a break. The last commission I got from Marjorie took me all over to Old Mondstadt.” You replied. Kaeya could not fault you. The winds bellowing under the old tree in Windrise calmed both the body and mind, only a few of the blessings he would thank the Anemo Archon for.

You shifted in your seat to lean further into the tree. That was when Kaeya noticed the tight hold on your vision. He put two and two together and realized that something must have happened again. It was no secret that you could not wield your vision. People may revere those blessed by the gods, but it was also a source of contempt and jealousy for others to hold. When a few adventurers in the Guild discovered that you could not use your vision because of your fear of flames, they called you names for being useless.

'You're so useless!'

'This would have been faster if you could use your vision. Tch!'

'Why did the gods even bless you?'

They could see how their words brought you down, but Rosaria chastised them, leaving a threat anybody knew she would fulfill. Truly unbefitting for a nun, but she did not care. The maroon-haired woman glanced at you and voiced her opinion.

“So what if you can’t use your vision? Your experience and tenacity are enough to survive as an adventurer. The gods gifted them yada yada. Enough of that crap. Pave your own path with or without the vision.” Her words brought you back to your senses.

Silence, a not-so-comforting one, fell between you and Kaeya. The Cavalry Captain was lost in his thoughts, hoping to find a way he could help you utilize your power while also overcoming your fear. Then, a lightbulb lit up, and a grin made its way to his face.

"(Y/N), I know a way you can practice using your vision, but we require somebody to help you. I know just the right person." He uttered, glee and excitement evident in his tone. You squinted your eyes in confusion, but he merely sighed and pulled you up.

"Come on, you'll love it."

In an instant, you found yourself in the tavern. The boisterous laughter and chide of drunkards filled your ears. Rosaria merely smiled and pulled you next to her to sit. Kaeya sat down on the other side and called for the bartender who just happened to be Diluc.

'Huh...? Why here?' You groaned internally. No offense to Kaeya and Diluc, but this was the last place you expected to learn how to use your vision correctly.

Suddenly, a drink slid in front of you. The lustrous blue sparkled against the light, reminding you of the waters in Liyue. You gave Diluc a questioning look, to which he replied, ‘It’s on the house’. Kaeya had a grin plastered on his face while Rosaria raised her glass. You clinked yours with hers and thanked them.

Once you were distracted, Kaeya turned to Diluc. He did not miss the fond look present in the red-head’s eyes. Coughing, he gave him a sheepish look, one that Diluc returned with a deadpan face.

“So, mind telling me what’s with this?” He inquired. Kaeya proudly huffed that he pulled you here to get a drink and forget about the harsh words from the entitled adventurers in the Guild.

Diluc’s interest was piqued. He was also aware of your predicament, the inability to use your pyro vision because of pyrophobia. He once heard those cowards judge you when you did all the work for the commission. It irked him to no end just how prideful they were, but you just gave them an apology and smile. You were too good for them.

“I’m sure you did not just do that for a drink. What’s your plan, Kaeya?” Diluc pushed. The Calvary Captain smirked and informed him of his plan. The red-haired tycoon paled at each word that escaped his brother’s lips. There was no way it would work.

“Oh, come on! You’ve done this before with the knights. Plus, (Y/N) is not incompetent. I’m sure you’ve seen her train every now and then outside of the city walls. You also get to spend time with her~” He teased, the tycoon’s ears turning red at the insinuation.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Despite his reluctance, Diluc asked you to meet him by the winery the next day after your commission. You asked him what for, and he replied flatly, “Training”. You blinked in confusion before he explained Kaeya’s request to help you wield your vision. He was blessed with one, after all. It worried you that you would probably waste his time, but he countered it.

“You can always feel scared to take the next step, but don’t let that hinder you from moving forward. Haven’t you always wondered if you could get over your phobia? Or at least keep it at bay enough to utilize your vision?” His tantalizing crimson eyes pierced right through your worried ones. Biting your lip, you gave him a determined look.

“I’ll be in your care, Master Diluc.”

Diluc was a spartan. Relentless in every way possible. Your first day with him ended with scorches around his porch and a bit in his garden, which you profusely apologized for. He assured you it was natural, considering how you trembled at the sight of fire in your hands. True to his words, you faltered at the blazing element in your hand. Your throat was closing up, but Diluc tried calming you down with his instructions.

Mishaps caused you to feel a little down, but you did gain one valuable information about your power. The flames you created were a beautiful shade of blue, similar to that sparkling drink your master gave you. It made you smile.

The following days were filled with envisioning the flames in your hands. Diluc said that mental training was necessary for your body and mind to get used to the pyro energy. He made you endure the searing flames and their different shades. It amazed you that it could vary along with its temperature accordingly. Blisters would appear on your fingers, but the tycoon was always ready with ointments and bandages. You even got taken care of by Adelinde after accidentally setting a part of your hair on fire. Hence, you had to get a new haircut. You liked it, though.

“All right, now take your weapon and infuse the fire there. Imagine it as a coating, then keep the shape as long as possible.” He instructed. Taking a deep breath, you held your weapon before you and activated your vision. It was a slow process, but Diluc remained patient. You could keep it for two minutes, but it was not enough.

“Again, try for five minutes this time.”

It took a week to get hold of elemental infusion, but the battle was another thing. Diluc sparred with you, but it always ended up with your weapon being thrown out of your hands. It frustrated you that you could not concentrate enough to keep its shape while dodging and thinking of a way to hit the redhead.

“Focus! The flames are going out again.”

“Your footing is off, you’ll get hit from the sides if you keep that! Balance yourself.”

“Stand up. We’re not yet done. You—“ Diluc was stopped by your piercing eyes and vision flaring up. Silently, you dashed towards him, raised your sword and aimed it at him. He internally smirked before shielding his body with his claymore. His crimson eyes pierced yours, but you had enough of the frustration deep within you.

You trained your eyes on him while keeping the blue flames. There was a plan in your mind that you wished to try. Whether it would fail or not was up to your execution. You ran towards him and were about to parry with him again, but you jumped on his claymore and used it to maneuver yourself. You got behind and set your sword ablaze. Diluc was caught off-guard. Luckily, he deflected it in time, but not unscathed. He got minor burns from the flare.

“So you can do it after all.” He voiced, proud of your accomplishment. You were pulled out of your stupor by his praise, eyes suddenly glazing at the sight of your sword still alight.

“I did… Look, Master! I could do it! This is amazing! I—“ You suddenly fell, exhaustion finally catching up to your body. Diluc hurried to your side and asked if you were all right. Laughter emerged from your lips. You assured him that you were just tired. The smile present on your face and the gleam of your eyes froze him. You were ethereal.

“Thank you so much, Diluc. Although I still have some fear in my heart, you helped me overcome it bit by bit. This flame is so beautiful.” You muttered, willing the same blue flame to appear in your hand. The way it danced before you was mesmerizing. It gave you courage and confidence.

Diluc sat down beside you and materialized a flame of his own. He placed it near you, and they swirled around before dissipating in the wind. It was beautiful. Silence soon overcame you two, but this was a comforting one.

The redhead watched the sunset. After days of paperwork and training, this was the first time he saw how beautiful Mondstadt was. However, this time, he had someone precious beside him. He knew he had to act soon.

“You learned a lot from me, and I honestly don’t want our meetings to end once you fully grasp your vision. Will you… I mean not to bother you, but will you allow me to spend more time with you after?” He asked, cheeks and ears reddened at his request.

“What…?” You saw his embarrassed visage, and it made you shy all of a sudden. This was an unexpected outcome, but not one you were unwilling to take.

“I mean, visit here and—“

“I’d love to. But take me out for a proper dinner after this, okay, Diluc?” You teased. He blinked owlishly before erupting in chuckles. His smile was captivating, and you could not help your hands but touch his cheeks. He stopped and gave you a warm smile. It was right here that you realized you had fallen in love with the only flame in your life.

‘Why is he so beautiful!?’

Please do not copy or repost my stories, but notes and reblogs are always appreciated!

[becauseanders]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love ❤️

ahhh hi thank you! (finally answering this!) 🖤

It Took the Night to Believe: chapterfic, complete, 100k. dragon age ii, anders/male hawke. pacific rim au. i am honestly really fucking proud of this fic, like i thought it was great even though it didn't do super well kudos-wise and i did notice that i definitely did lose readers as it went on. i truly have no idea why, this fic is fucking great. it's got angst, it's got comfort, it's got near death experiences, it's got fluff, it's got kaiju—what's not to love??

No Wound as Sharp as the Will of God: chapterfic, complete, 99k. dragon age ii, anders/female hawke. canonverse, post-da2. it took me seven years to post a second chapter of this and a total of eight years to finish it, and the whole time i was writing it after i picked it up again i was so unsure of it, but turns out i really like it. very heavy content, please do mind the tags. takes place while hawke is with the inquisition. anders positive, justice positive. a very intense, very deep, very affectionate friendship between anders and fenris is an extremely important part of the story. like, seriously, the platonic fenders is just as important as the romantic handers. a lot of angst, like so much angst, but the hurt/comfort is real. the b-plot pertains to my theory that justice cures anders of the taint. cole is there. the emotions are high and you can feel them strongly in the writing. again, be careful, but this is a good fic.

A Thing With Feathers Now, Elevate: one shot, 11k. dragon age: origins, alistair/female amell. canonverse, takes place over the course of da:o. this fic is a fucking masterpiece. another that didn't do well numbers-wise but this is easily one of the absolute best things i've ever written and is quite possibly one of the best fics on ao3. i am so fucking proud of this one. the prose, the metaphors, the handling of trauma, the found family—this one deserved way more love than it got. like, i'm serious, this fic is amazing.

It Means Tumult: chapterfic, wip, 349k (yes, you read that right). dragon age ii, anders/female hawke. modern au. okay, obviously i've got to mention this one. i have been working on this fic for eight years and i am very sorry to everyone who saw this go from updating multiple times a week and asking me how the fuck i write so fast to three years without a single update and then i think only one more in the past two years. i'm working on the penultimate chapter, i swear i am, i'm just super stuck right now. this fic is…this fic. i'm not going to lie, i don't really know if this is any longer some of my better writing, but the premise is fucking solid and i have been told more than once that it's clear this is a labor of love and that this is endearing. au where the obvious metaphors are made reality: the circles are psychiatric institutions and being mentally ill is a crime. a lot of angst, but a lot of love. pay no mind to how much better of a character and person aveline is when i write her. i also do admittedly use this fic to deal with my own demons frequently. an andrea gibson poem helped me write one chapter and i later got to tell them about it and they hugged me. this is also very heavily centered on music and has a lengthy soundtrack. please ignore the fact that when i first started writing this i used british english when i typed because i thought it looked better, as i had started doing as a teenager, which tbh i still kind of do but i also realized that's just fucking pretentious to do when you're american, and it was already so long by the time i stopped doing it that there was no way in hell i was going back to editing all of that (as i actually did do with nwasatwog). so that's just the way it is. but yeah, there's a lot of feelings happening here. also the only fic on this list that has an original title instead of song lyrics despite being the one with the most music involved, lol.

Through the Fall and the Feel: chapterfic, wip, 52k. dragon age ii, anders/male hawke. modern au. this is the one i'm working on most right because that's just where the brainworms are. hawke is a teddy bear doctor and anders goes to see him because instead of a pillow from his mother he has a stuffed cat, and she has seen much better days. this fic has a very wholesome premise but has gone into some pretty heavy angst already and i did not mean for eating disorders to be as important to the story as they have become, so be mindful of that. but this fic has a lot of heart and it's absolutely tanking, so if this piques your interest maybe go give it a look? this is also my second foray into m!handers and i am again having fun writing them. but yeah, i actually like this fic a lot and i do recommend it.

[glitxhwayventeen]

The Smart One: Part One

Yeonjun

Characters: Yeonjun x female reader

Warnings: mentions of- violence, death, drinking, smoking, sleeping around (but it’s all consensual so i don’t see a problem with it. But i know some people do so TW ig), name calling (but they don’t actually mean it and none of them think they do, they’re loving nicknames), crying, pining/angsty love, Yeonjun being dumb basically poor baby

Author’s Note: Ahhh so I’m back. I hope no one’s too made i started a new addition to the werewolf/college universe but i really think these stories are gonna be nice and get me excited to start writing again so here’s to hoping! Let me know if anyone wants to be added to the tag list for any of the characters!

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

There Will Be Blood Masterlist

The Smart One: Part Two, Part Three, Part Four

🥀

Bold- Dialogue Italics- Thoughts

Tag list-

Yeonjun never understood his brothers. He never understood half of the weird shit they did. He never understood their constant need to be around one another. And he certainly never understood why they were so eager to find their mates.

So as he sat on the couch listening to the pup of their pack argue with the alpha over what their future mates must be like at the kitchen table, he couldn’t help but roll his eyes while he scrolled through his phone in boredom.

“Hyung, there’s no way you’ll get a mate that’s like you. That relationship could never last! Two control freaks don’t make for a happy couple!”

“Surprised you could do that much math! In fact, you better hope yours has half a brain because you’re too stupid to not have someone looking out for you for the rest of your life!”

Everyone in the pack knew that the youngest in the pack wasn’t always the smartest when it came to basic schooling and common sense. Hell, the only reason they found him and added him to the pack in the first place was because he had somehow managed to piss off a group of fifth graders who began chasing him, a high school senior, down the eldest’s home street.

So Yeonjun knew the alpha wasn’t entirely wrong for insinuating Kai probably needed a mate with a head on their shoulders. But that didn’t mean that he thought the boy was stupid. And that definitely didn’t mean he liked the topic at hand to begin with.

“I can take care of myself you know hyung.”

Yeonjun didn’t like the idea of mates. He didn’t like the idea of signing away everything that made them themselves to some stranger werewolf instincts told them they would have to love forever. He didn’t like the idea that his brothers were all trying as hard as they were to find theirs.

And he sure as shit didn’t agree with wanting to give up the lifestyle he had gotten used to over the years just because his dumb wolfy brain would be too obsessed with some innocent unsuspecting human to think straight.

“You literally wouldn’t be able to tie your shoes if it weren’t for us but whatever Huening.”

Because who would want to be tied down like that? Who would want to have to answer to some random person for the rest of their life that something as ridiculous as fate set them up with? Who would want a life that basically took away everyone in the situation’s free will and personal choices? Not Yeonjun, that’s for sure.

“That was one time! And it was only because I couldn’t find my contacts hyung!”

At that point in his younger brothers conversation, Yeonjun had pretty much tuned them out. Not that he could help it, they’re the ones who got his brain stuck on a topic he otherwise wouldn’t have given five seconds of his time on. Now because of them, his brain was laser focused on what finding a mate would mean for him in particular. And the thought started making his stomach churn with unease.

Because he was someone who liked going to parties. He liked the opportunity to make friends and socialize. He liked the free drinks and party favors. He even liked the god awful music because it meant he could dance his troubles away.

If he had a mate chances are they wouldn’t want him to go to parties. Or go out. Or have a good time with his friends.

He was also someone who liked to drink and smoke pretty regularly to handle the stress of his everyday life. Not that he was an alcoholic or anything, but he was definitely someone who had to go to the hospital more than a handful of times to get his stomach pumped after partying a little too hard. And he was definitely someone who always had a pack of cigarettes in his jacket pocket in case he needed to chill out, but he didn’t think he was a chain smoker or anything.

But the pack was friends with other packs in the area, and let’s just say more than a few of them had mates that were heavily against their mate doing any smoking or drinking. With his luck, his mate would be the same exact way and he’d be forced to give up something he loved for someone his instincts would tell him he loved.

Yeonjun also liked to hook up with random people at the parties he went to. Some of them even on a regular basis because it was a situation that benefited everyone involved. They all would be satisfied with their sex lives and no one had to worry about mushy gushy relationship stuff like going on picnics or planning cheesy dates to get laid.

But he knew the second he got a girlfriend, that favorite pass time of his would be over or it would become the center of all their arguments. Which is exactly why he had never had one before.

Which was another issue, he wasn’t exactly a guy destined for monogamy. Hell, he wasn’t even able to promise his situationships that he wouldn’t go fuck someone else right after he was done with them. And everyone, everyone, knew that about him. Even people he had never even met or people from other universities knew he was the kind of guy who girls brought to their beds, not to meet their parents.

If he had a mate, chances were they wouldn’t be okay with an open relationship. In fact, they’d likely want to be completely exclusive and to only be with each other. Yeonjun would want the opposite of that. He wouldn’t even know how to go about having that talk with someone. Actually, he couldn’t even imagine the issues that uncomfortable conversation would cause him if he had a mate.

As the eldest stayed seated adorned in his usual black and leather get up, he couldn’t help but think of another rather unsettling complication finding a mate would cause him if he somehow did manage to warm up to the idea of having one: bringing a fragile little human into his rather chaotic and dangerous life.

Sure he had plenty of human friends, they had to stay unsuspecting to the outside world after all. And it wasn’t even that he thought less of them or had them for appearances sake. Yeonjun did genuinely like, and even at times envy, his human friends. But none of them knew half the shit that really went on in his life.

They didn’t know that he wore brown colored contacts to hide his naturally golden eyes. They didn’t know that his roommates were actually his packmates. They didn’t know he had to be locked up for almost a whole week twice a year to keep from fucking everything and everyone that crossed his path during his rut.

And they definitely didn’t know that if he ever let his emotions go unchecked and got too mad he could phase and hurt, possibly even accidentally kill, the people around him.

Yeonjun had known he had to take all that into consideration during every interaction he had with his human friends. But he had never really thought about what falling in love with one would mean for them.

Being a mate meant being part of his pack. His pack of very kind, albeit very dumb, brothers and their future mates. It meant always having to be tethered to them because Yeonjun was, no matter how big in size it would get or how rocky a relationship the person would have with them.

Being a mate meant having to keep a secret, a huge one, from all friends and family outside of said pack in order to protect everyone. It meant his mate would have to watch everything they said to be sure they never let anything slip out.

And being a mate meant being put in dangerous, possibly even deadly, situations. It meant that his mate would have to always be on the look out for werewolf hunters trying to use them for leverage.

It meant they’d have to be conscious of rivaling or vengeful packs/rogue wolves who’d have a bone to pick with theirs for one reason or another. It meant they’d have to get wrapped up with other packs and their business because Yeonjun’s never turned others away when they needed help.

It even meant that he could hurt his mate himself if he wasn’t careful while phasing or using too much strength when their weaker human body couldn’t handle it.

Being linked to him meant being linked to a revolver with one bullet in the chamber randomly firing, you just never knew when it would go off. How could Yeonjun ever be okay with doing that to someone who never had a say in the matter to begin with because of the feelings they would catch due to his werewolf instincts?

“Jjun hyung,” Soobin’s voice suddenly broke through Yeonjun’s thoughts, “I need you to drive Hyuka to the library for his tutoring session today.”

He couldn’t help but pull his brow together in annoyance, “And why the fuck would I do that?”

Yeonjun couldn’t lie and say he meant for his question to come out as rude as it did. But he truthfully didn’t see why he needed to be the one to take him. Sure the pup of the pack couldn’t drive yet, but others in the pack had recently gotten their licenses and could take him.

“Because I’m in charge and because I’m asking you politely to do it,” Binnie spoke hurriedly as he shoved some books into his already overflowing bag, clearly rushing to leave the house for, what the eldest could only assume based on his polished appearance anyways, work.

Yeonjun didn’t really think that was a good enough answer. Why couldn’t Beomgyu take the younger boy? Or Taehyun? Why did it have to be him?

He drove a really nice motorcycle that, even though it could fit two people on it easily, he didn’t like other people getting close to because they could scratch or dent it. Not to mention Hueningkai was absolutely terrified of riding it as he so lovingly pointed out when he deemed it a “coffin on two wheels.”

So Yeonjun let out a dry chuckle, “Nicely? Sounds more like a command if you ask me. Huening failing out of school is not my responsibility. Besides someone else will have to do it anyways because I have school myself sorry.”

While he knew that statement was a selfish thing to say, it was also true. If he could manage to get by in school with a hope and a prayer, why couldn’t the youngest of their little family learn to do it?

Sure other people did try to “help” Yeonjun with his issues once upon a time, but they just made him feel even more stupid than he already knew his parents thought he was. So he didn’t even fully see the point of the pup going to tutoring anyways. Chances are it wouldn’t work for him either. So it was a waste of money in his eyes.

The alpha pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly agitated and over the fight he hadn’t even had with the eldest yet, “Jesus fuck Yeonjun-ah, I don’t have time for this. Tweedle dee and tweedle dumbass’s timing of their classes today won’t let them do it and i have work. We both know you’re just gonna blow your classes off today like you do nearly everyday so you can do it you just don’t want to.”

Soobin sighed jaggedly as he ran a hand through his messy hair in an attempt to steady his breathing, “But if that’s what it takes to get you off your ass and to get you to be helpful for once then yes, it’s a command then!” He practically growled because he had to do something he hated and had to force his status on his brothers as he threw his bag to sit on his shoulder, “Take his ass to his tutoring so he doesn’t fail out of school. I dont know about you but i don’t want his sisters to come and freak out on us for being bad influences on him again!”

Even though he heard muffled snickers coming from Taehyun and Beomgyu sitting nearby, all Yeonjun could do at that point was throw a harsh scowl Soobin’s way.

He couldn’t disobey an alphas order anymore than he could stop breathing. And he couldn’t necessarily say the alpha was wrong in saying he was just planning on not going to his classes today anyways. He just really hadn’t planned on being Huening’s personal taxi driver for the day. Sometimes he really hated being a werewolf.

“Looks like you’re stuck with me hyung!” Kai put his arm over the eldest’s shoulder with a squeeze, a cheshire grin happily plastered on his face.

“You know I hate you right?” Yeonjun hissed as he got up to grab the keys to his motorcycle, much to the sudden mortification of the younger boy.

————

A whiff of old books and ancient dust seemed to flow through the air as the two boys stepped through the double doors to their college’s library. A library Yeonjun hated.

He hated the smell, even if the smell today wasn’t as putrid as usual for some reason. It still smelled musky and moldy like it normally did, just… less moldy and musky than he had known it to be previously.

He hated the goodie goodie people sitting at their tables studying, who no doubt thought they were better than him. Which was total bull. Because just because he wasn’t book smart like they were and could barely scrape by in his classes didn’t mean the brown nosing assholes scattered about the depressing building should have the right to judge him.

And he definitely hated having to be anywhere near the grouchy librarian who always told him he was too loud to be there. Which he found ridiculous because why should he have to be less noisy and more tame when ehe let everyone else do what they wanted to all the time anyways? He was 99.99% positive that the old crone just had it out for him.

“You just haaaaaad to flunk calculus didn’t you?” Yeonjun rhetorically asked his brother under his breath, his nose automatically scrunching up at the foreign aromas around him, slightly catching a whiff of someone’s delicious smelling cherry perfume that was sweet enough to almost have him forgetting why he was there in the first place. Almost.

But Huening paid no mind to the sulky boy as his eyes began to scan the rather large and echoey room for his rather small and quiet tutor.

The eldest knew that Hyuka had been doing sessions with you for a little over three months now and he’d say they had paid off substantially, his calculus grade went from a failing D to an above average B. Which was something none of his brothers had managed to help him do.

So, as annoyed as he was at his alpha for forcing him to take him to school, Yeonjun tried not to be too annoyed with the pup. At least he was putting in effort to do something good for himself for once.

But that didn’t mean he had to like the place you two did your study sessions. It was literally the most cliche and boring place ever.

“There she is!” Hueningkai practically squealed, his high pitched voice causing you to look up from the book that was in front of you at your table with a small, though obviously very shocked, smile.

While Kai was just happy rambling about what they were going to work on that day and why the session would take so long as he was getting tutored by someone he considered a friend, one of the few he had actually managed to make on his own, Yeonjun was in his own little world.

From the moment his eyes turned to you as you looked up to shyly greet his younger brother from afar, everything else around him faded away.

All the students mumbling around him were tuned out when he quickly realized the sweet cherry smell hanging in the air was linked to you.

All the sounds of chairs being pushed in and out from the tables scattered about went mute as your beautiful curls residually bounced from moving your head to look up.

All the passerbyers around you practically floated out of his line of sight as your dimpled smile radiated a warmth bright enough to reach even the coldest person in the room.

Before his current interaction with you, Yeonjun had only heard about you from his younger brother’s constant babbling about his new tutor friend. Soobin, Taehyun, or Beomgyu had always been the one to drop him off because the eldest never wanted to and/or was never home.

He never cared enough about something so trivial to listen to Kai’s mentions of you, which was something he was regretting in the present.

He didn’t remember much, but what did manage to sneak it’s way into his brain made sense. He had once told Yeonjun something about you being a foreigner. You definitely didn’t look as Korean as the people around you, yet you still managed to outshine every single person in the building by a landslide.

The younger boy had once spoken about how shy you were and, based on how your cheeks lit up with noticeable hues of pink and red even through your darker complexion once you saw that Kai hadn’t come alone, he guessed his assessment of you was correct.

Huening had also said something about you being very polished and conservative in appearance. Which was something exuded in your outfit choice: a pastel yellow cardigan that brought out the glow in your ebony skin and an olive green under vest that fit your rather curvy body perfectly.

And from what Yeonjun could see just under the open library table, you had a pleated skirt composed of similar colors and white laced tights that matched your headband on top of your beautifully and expertly styled hair.

To say you were the most gorgeous person the elder boy had ever seen was an understatement.

All Yeonjun wanted to do was go over, pull you up from your chair, and kiss your glossed lips until you both ran out of breath.

Sure it would be a little difficult to maneuver, Yeonjun could tell by referencing the size of everything around you that you were quite a bit shorter than him, actually probably a lot a bit shorter than him. But with his strength and your small frame, he was sure he would still be able to lift you with ease.

In fact, you would probably be just the right size for him to be able to wrap your legs around his waist and walk around comfortably. Which would mean that walking you over to the nearest room with a lockable door wouldn’t be a probl-

But before he could finish his line of thinking, you lifted your delicate hand in the air to signal Kai to come over to you and suddenly the panic of the situation truly set in, causing Yeonjun to react on instinct.

Heart nearly pounding out of his chest from the shock of having seen you, he quickly threw himself to the side of the nearest bookcase to hide himself from your view. Much to the confusion of his younger brother who dutifully followed suite in order to see what was going on.

“Yeonjun-ah,” Kai hesitantly spoke to get the elder boy’s attention, “Is everything okay?”

No, nothing was okay. Five seconds ago his life was great. Five seconds ago he was Yeonjun, the guy who smoked nearly a pack a day. Five seconds ago he was Yeonjun, the guy who always had a drink in his hand to take the edge off.

Five seconds ago he was Yeonjun, party boy who slept with whoever he wanted whenever he wanted without a care in the world. Five seconds ago he was Yeonjun, a normal human guy.

Now he was Yeonjun, the werewolf whose senses were going into hyperdrive and who’s brain was ready to throw all that away over some girl he had only seen once for less than half a second.

“T-That girl’s your tutor?” The elder boy asked as he worked on catching his breath, deeply gulping back a crack he knew his voice was desperate to let out.

Huening tilted his head in confusion and gripped the strap of the bag that was thrown over his shoulder a little tighter in discomfort, “Yeah… that’s ____… why…?”

Scanning the pup’s expression, Yeonjun could tell he was getting suspicious of what was going on. He knew the second the youngest understood what was going on he’d run an tell everyone in the pack.

After that there’d be no going back. After that everything would change. But he couldn’t let that happen.

He couldn’t lose what little life he had found for himself outside of his pack. He couldn’t let go of the few things he had left that make him happy. He couldn’t throw away a life of freedom for a life of fear.

And he couldn’t get you caught up in the mess he had created that was his life, not when he finally saw you. Not when he could tell you were a happy sweet innocent person who deserved a hell of a lot better than what he could give you. Not when every instinct in his body was telling him to protect you for the biggest threat around: himself.

Yeonjun knew he’d have to respond to his brother in a matter of seconds. He knew he was acting weird and that the youngest would come to his own conclusions.

But he still had one hope: no one else in the pack had gone through it yet, so no one knew 100% what the signs really were in real life. They only heard second hand accounts from their friends in other packs. So there was still a chance he could hide it. You still had a chance.

“No- No reason,” Yeonjun did his best to pull himself together and recreate his shattered normal cool guy persona, even though his heart was still in his throat and it was causing him to become light headed, “Just wondering. That’s all. What time do you need picked up?”

Based on Kai’s still confused face, he didn’t seem to buy Yeonjun’s answer fully. Probably because he could physically hear his brother’s pulse racing.

But he at least let it go soon enough when he heard you softly call his name, “I need a ride back at 4. I gotta go, thanks for the ride hyung!”

With that, the pup went off in a hurry to meet you at your table, giving you a quick hug and placing his things on the table for you to get your session started.

And while Yeonjun’s immediate instinct to his internal decision to stay away from you was to need to whimper because you were so close yet so far away from him, he shakily began to walk to the library’s exit so he could get back to his bike.

It felt like his heart was crushing in two. It felt like the world was crumbling around him. Like all the air was being pulled from his lungs with ever step further from you that he took. It felt like he was slipping away and that the only thing that could bring him back to earth was you. But he refused.

As he jumped on his motorcycle, started the engine, and he sped off and way from his university at full speed, tears began to slide down his face underneath his helmet.

He made a promise to himself and to you to keep you away from him, no matter how much it hurt. It was better for everyone that way.

He wasn’t meant to be in relationships. He wasn’t meant for commitment. He wasn’t meant to love people unconditionally. He physically couldn’t, he had no frame of reference to mimic to even show you he would be willing to try to figure it out for you.

He couldn’t be a boyfriend, he legitimately didn’t know how to be one. And he wasn’t about to force you to teach him while also putting you in mortal danger every single day because of him and his pack.

A part of Yeonjun’s distraught brain wondered if he should’ve felt bad for taking the choice away from you. After all, that’s why he hated the idea of mating in the first place.

But he decided that nobody should have to make that choice. Nobody should have to choose between a quiet life with someone you could never love right and a dangerous life that may be cut short because of someone you love madly. Nobody should have to feel guilty for unintentionally killing someone if they rejected them. Nobody should have to be put through it, least of all you.

You’d be safer and happier this way. And he could continue on living for his pack because you wouldn’t have verbally denied him.

He didn’t like the idea of mates and what they stood for. He hated that they took away free will. But as cheesy as it sounded, seeing you for the first time changed everything he felt just earlier in the day.

He saw you and he immediately wanted to stop partying. He saw you and would’ve instantly quit smoking and drinking if that’s what you wanted him to do. He saw you and felt the need to send out messages to all his previous fuckbuddies to let them know it was over between them, that he had no need for them when he had you.

Because all he could think about was the future he could have with you. The stereotypical one people always referenced with the nice big house with a white picket fence he would’ve helped put up himself.

One where you two had a stupidly expensive wedding where you looked absolutely stunning walking down the aisle towards where he would be at the alter bawling his eyes out knowing you would be his forever.

A future where you had normal human jobs you came home from at the end of the day and complained to each other about while making dinner.

A life where you had two kids: a boy who looked and unfortunately acted just like himself and a girl that luckily looked and acted just like you.

Now that he had met you, he wanted you to be together. He wanted you to be his mate, to be his. He was fine with his free will being taken away if it meant he was able to spend a lifetime with you.

But he couldn’t put you through that.

And driving away from you when he could’ve just gone to introduce himself to you and ask you out was single handedly the hardest thing he had ever done. And his life was only gonna get harder.

(Edited 5/25/2024)

[milktearosethorn]

Oooh if you read MHA what did you think of the ending ?

Oh man.......... Where do I even start....

For context, I've adored MHA since season 1 of the anime first dropped. It was probably my main fandom for at least five years. The first fic I ever posted to AO3 was an MHA fic. I obsessively kept up with weekly manga leaks, and even helped translate the raw Japanese for friends in discord servers.

It was never a perfectly written manga, and I was fine with that. The writing was on the wall since the Overhaul Arc, where cracks started showing with character bloat, constant sidelining and awful treatment of female characters, and out of control power creep. I think the manga could've been a lot better if Horikoshi wasn't crushed by the brutality of the publishing demands of Shounen Jump. But I thought at its core, the story had a wonderful heart, and that was what kept me in love with it.

I fell out of MHA in around 2021 with the Deku vs Lady Nagant fight, because when she blew up from the AFO failsafe I pretty much rage quit over the fact that every time a woman got to do or be something cool, Horikoshi found a way to rip it away from us. I wasn't really feeling the story anymore, so my love for the manga became overshadowed with my frustration and I decided to move on for awhile (and then my friends got me into DSMP lol). Also the fandom was toxic AF and that was not helping. For instance, I have some criticisms of the overall writing of the Todoroki family plot, but some people chose to interpret every manga panel and line of dialogue in the worst faith imaginable, threw a fit over it every week, and it was just exhausting. The LOV were some of my favorite characters too, but that section of the fandom was a cesspool of negativity sometimes. (Of course, other portions of the fandom had their own issues too, but I wasn't around to see all of it).

I still kept tabs on the story to this day, and while I thought the final arc was heading into a rushed mess, I loved the thematic direction that the story was going in. That Midoriya, Uraraka, and Shouto were going to be better heroes than all that came before them by saving the villains.

Then, uh, we got the most depressing endings imaginable.

I could forgive the flaws of the ending and walk away from the story happy if it hadn't lost its heart along the way. It's just baffling to me that a series that began with the Deku saying "This is the story of how I became the greatest hero" ends with him failing to save the person who needed it the most. Shigaraki is the saddest character in the manga and Deku, our protagonist, who back in the Sports Festival Arc would break all his fingers twice over just to get through to a friend, had to kill him instead of saving him. It's bleak. It's a tragedy. And it makes no sense that we are experiencing this tragedy in the same chapter where somehow Edgeshot of all people survived by becoming a sentient worm on a string. Where Hawks's solution to fix a hero system that enabled domestic abusers to flourish and used assassins to 'keep the peace' is to hand out participation trophies. Like????? Meanwhile 17-year old Toga has to die of blood loss even though Gran Torino gets disemboweled on a monthly basis and Best Jeanist has no lungs. There's also the whole issue of how the story seemed to show that having a clear #1 hero and that responsibility being on one man's shoulders (All Might) was a bad thing. But then the power scaling got so out of control that the same burden was placed on Deku's shoulders 😭😭. I'm just baffled lol. It's so odd that we are flip-flopping between a bleak tragedy/cautionary tale and a cartoonishly simplistic way of looking at the world. Idek, but no matter what I wish the best for Horikoshi's health because I think it's clear that this manga took a huge toll on him.

[charlie-lec-stories]

Dirty Little Secret - Part 5.1: Clemency // CL16

Pairing: Charles Leclerc / Original Female Character

Series Summary: Charles' wife went to The Other Side and came back, but her past did too.

Chapter Summary: The woods are difficult at night, how much madness can Charles endure before breaking?

Series Warnings: Death, descriptions of CPR and a car crash, sexual comments and implied sexual acts, mentions of blood, mentions of suicide and depression.

Author’s Note: This is a special I decided to write inspired by Halloween and the Qatar GP, it's five parts long. It's the first time I write something for this page instead of editing thing I have written before, I hope you guys like it. Rate: +16 (descriptions of medical procedures).

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Charles spent most of the night awake. The first hour once they all went to sleep went down fine. Between the cold and his lessened anger, he ended up cuddling his wife and falling asleep fast, but he was woken up by the sound of heavy footsteps close to them. His first instinct was to try to get out and face the probably furry intruder, but Y/N grabbed his arm tightly and reminded him that he had to stay inside, no matter what. Max woke up too and decided to stay awake for a while to make sure that Charles didn't leave the tent. Not sure if that was a good idea, Charles stayed inside. The whole night he could hear like something was out there, walking around the camp and breaking things. He just wanted to get out and see what was doing that, just to make sure they were safe, it was most likely a wild animal looking for food. Max kept his gun in hand while he guarded the entrance to the tent and Charles put his next to his pillow, ready to use it if it was necessary. After hours awake, he was tired and pissed off. When the morning light came, Charles felt like he had enough, he walked out of the tent and started gathering his things, some of them broken. His wife and Max looked at him worried, they should have never took him into the woods.

"I can't do this". He said and the other two understood, they were spooked like that the first night. "I want to go home".

"I understand". Y/N told him softly while Charles was packing up his plate and glass into his backpack. The monegasque stopped his movements and looked at her, frowning.

"Is that all you have to say? That you understand?". He stood straight and Y/N could feel the anger radiating from him. "You had been lying to me our whole relationship, I choose to let you get away with it. You then told me you have been seeing the ghost of your friend and asked to come here, I supported you. And if that wasn't enough, a fucking wild animal spent the whole night messing around with out stuff and you didn't let me do anything about it. Seriously, what else do want from me?!". Y/N winced at him screaming the last part, that made Charles lower his tone. He was tired, angry and, mostly, done. "I just can't keep avoiding the fact that I'm angry at you. I'm so fucking angry at you".

"I know that you are. I think you have the right to be angry. Fuck, I even understand if you want nothing to do with me, Charles, but please, I need you to believe me". She was looking at him with those big eyes he could never resist. She was his weakness, no matter how crazy he thought she was right now.

"I do believe you, but this is all too much". Charles was close to a breaking point. He loved her, he did, but everything was starting to get suffocating.

"You can't go back, you'll get lost". Max added, trying to make his friend stay. Charles frowned again.

"I'm not going back alone, you're both coming with me, of course". He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Max and Y/N shook their heads quickly.

"We're not going, Charlie". Y/N could see how pissed off he was. "I can walk you back to the car, but I'm staying here for as long as I can"

"I'm not leaving you here, Y/N!". None of them wanted to say it, none of them wanted to be the one to force the other to do anything. After a few moments looking at each other, Charles dropped his backpack and started walking towards the tent to grab his expedition bag. "Putain de merde" (Fucking hell). He mumbled, and walked past the other two to go to his quadrant.

Their second day went as uneventful as the first and Max was starting to loose faith. He wanted to believe that they could find Maud, but the woods were tricky and he knew that Charles wasn't going to deal with the following nights very well. They were risking a lot, and even if he wanted to find Maud, he didn't want it to cost them Charles and Y/N's marriage. His best friend and her husband were on thin ice at the moment and he didn't want them to fall apart. He watched Y/N search and he could understand why she needed a win so bad. Over ten years they spent looking for her, they needed to find her, they needed to move on. Even with his legs hurting like hell, he searched and searched, because he needed answers. He felt like it was the only thing that could finally set him free. Before 6 PM he had already searched his quadrant. Back at the camp he saw Charles and Y/N sitting at opposite sides of the bon-fire, avoiding looking at each other.

"Ready for dinner?". Max did what he could to break the tension.

"Not hungry". Charles simply answered, getting up and going straight to the tent, again leaving her alone with her thoughts.

"Maybe you should sleep in the middle tonight, Max". Y/N said sobbing softly. "He needs the space".

Following Y/N's request, Max laid in the middle, with Y/N by his left and Charles by his right. The monegasque just turned his back on him and went to sleep, Max decided to do the same, turning around and facing Y/N. In the dark, he could still feel his friend, crying, even if she wasn't making any sound. After a whole life being friends, he was able to simply know what was going through her mind, not even having to ask. He knew that Charles learned to do that after so much time dating her, but he also knew that no one could read Y/N better than him, that's why they were best friends. He hated to see her like this, he knew how much she loved her husband, he had never seen her as happy as when Charles asked her to marry him. Well, maybe one time, at the wedding. But there he was, facing her in the dark as she cried herself to sleep, sure that the love of her life hated her.

He remembered the time she told him about Charles. They were 20, Max was already in F1, and she had went to his race to support him. Charles was also there, in F2, and he had his self-esteem thought the roof for becoming champion the previous race weekend, in Spain. That weekend was Abu-Dhabi, and even though Max didn't get a podium, it was still the last race of the calendar and that deserved a drink. Charles went to the same bar as them and did everything in his power to get to talk to her. After loosing sight of them for at least half an hour, Max started to worry. Y/N was wasted but still ready to keep on dancing, she stumbled on her way to the table and Max called it a night. He helped her out and on their way to the cab he got to see Charles, his face red and with a clear stain of lipstick on his jaw and lips, his hair was a mess and his shirt was missing a few buttons. "You did a number on him, Bunny". He told his friend while he carried her to the car. She just giggled. "Don't tell Max". He laughed out loud at that, maybe his friend was a lot more drunk than he thought. "I won't, don't worry".

In the car, Y/N started spilling her secrets. "Let me tell you something". She started. "But you have to promise that you won't tell Max, I'm just looking for the right time to tell him, okay?". She slurred a little through her sentence. "I promise". Even the cab driver seemed interested on what she had to say. "I've been hooking up with Leclerc for a few months". Max feigned surprise. "Don't look at me like that! He's cute". The driver snorted and Max couldn't hold his laugh any longer. "I'm sorry, keep going". He said after she glared at him. "You're laughing because you haven't slept with him. Otherwise you'll be jealous". Max chocked on his own spit and the driver almost looks back at them. "I don't need details about that, Bunny". She smirked. "I think you do... I mean, it's the best sex I've had in my life! He does everything right. Everything. And you won't believe how big his d-". Max cut her off with his hand on her mouth. "That's enough information". She giggled under his hand and he removed it.

"I think I'm in love with him". She blurted it out, like it escaped from her mouth. "You think so?". Max asked her in a more serious tone, he could feel the driver looking at them through the rear-view mirror. "I know it. Here". She placed a hand on her chest, over her heart. "I even lied to Max for him. I have never lied to Max before". He quirked an eyebrow and she sighed. "In October I told Max that I couldn't go to his race in Japan because of college, but it was actually because I was going to Spain, to see Charles' race. It was the race to secure his championship. I'm glad I went, I got to celebrate with him on a proper date". Max looked at his lap, frowning. "Why did you lie to Max about that?". He knew that taking advantage of his drunk friend to get information was wrong, but he wanted to know why she lied. "It's just that I don't want him to be mad at me. Charles and I, we're not serious yet and I'm scared that if I tell Max what we're doing he's going to say that Charles is using me or something like that. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but I don't wanna hear it. I'm so in love with Charles. I don't care if we have sex and don't make love. I just want to be with him, I'll take whatever he gives me, I don't care. I want to believe that one day he'll kiss me and love me like he means it, like this is more than just fun. That someday he'll let me in.". Max nodded his head. "I think you should tell Max all of this. I mean, he's your best friend and I'm sure that he'll be happy for you". And that she did. The next morning, Y/N told Max how a lovely stranger convinced her to tell him everything, and Max supported her, even if she fell for his rival.

He could see the shadow that moved around outside the tent, Max knew what it was and he knew better than to go out and face it. He took Y/N's hand and looked over at Charles to make sure that he was actually asleep. He was. Then, Max took a deep breath and tried to sleep, doing the best he could to ignore the shadow lurking around. He didn't break for over a decade, he wasn't breaking now. When he woke up the next morning, Charles and Y/N were already up and fighting outside, Max just couldn't watch his friends fight anymore. But everything got to the worst point on the third night, after another day of pointless search, when Charles threatened with divorce.

"Maybe we should just call it quits, Y/N". He told her, angry. "This is pointless. We're here for nothing, there's nothing here!". Y/N just cried. "I love you, but I can't keep doing this".

"One more day, Charles. Just one more". Max begged him. "If we can't find anything tomorrow, we're out".

"You promise?". Charles looked Y/N, even thought Max was the one that asked.

"I promise".

The third night was terrible, they heard cries the whole night. In the morning, Charles was the first one to get up and walk to his quadrant, he just wanted to get this over with. But just as if it was a sick joke, he found a small cave. It was the perfect place to hide and it got him thinking about something Y/N said at the house: maybe Maud could have gone into the woods to hide from her attacker. He thought that in Maud's shoes, he would have gone for a cave like that as a hiding spot. He went into it, it wasn't deep at all and when he sat down, his hand touched something. He moved the dirt away from the spot with his fingers, gently, and underneath it, he found a bracelet. It was in bad shape, but he could still read that it had the name Maud written on it. Opening his eyes wide, he called for Max and Y/N, who ran there as fast as their still healing bodies let them. Max cried a little at the sight of the bracelet, he gave her that, for one of her birthdays. The Dutchman picked up the jewelry and traced it carefully. Next to Maud's bracelet, there were other objets that neither Max or Y/N recognized as hers. Night was falling, and they couldn't report it until they could go back to the town. They walk back the camp and for the first time in days, they actually had a nice dinner together. Charles finally started to give in, he loved his wife, he didn’t want a divorce. He wanted to fix their marriage when they'd get back home.

That night, Maud went to the camp. Max and Y/N could hear her calling and they were using all of their strength not to get out and see her. This is why they knew that four nights was their limit, another night of this and they were sure they could go insane. Maud kept talking about a shadow and that caught their attention. Their friend had never spoke about that before. They looked at each other for a moment, actually considering going out. Charles couldn't believe that after everything they went through, they were thinking about getting out of the tent. He refused instantly, but Y/N had already made up her mind. She was going out. With a hug to Max and kiss on the lips to Charles, she opened the tent's zipper and walked into the dark. For a few minutes they heard Y/N walking around. She kept asking where Maud was, under her breath, but suddenly, they heard some rustling sound and silence that followed. Charles called her name many times, but Y/N never answered. Desperate, he went out and looked for his wife, Max walked right behind him. In the dark, they couldn't see her anywhere.

Y/N woke up in a humid place, but before that, the thing that first caught her attention was the smell. Rotting smell. Adjusting her eyes to the dim light, she looked around. She could see that she was in a large cave but what seemed to be the entrance of it, looked pretty similar to the little cave Charles found. Confusion clouded her mind as she tried to make sense to her surroundings. She wanted to explore, see if there was something she could use to defend herself or even try to make her way to the exit of the cave, but her hand landed on something that felt like jean. Looking down, she saw a jacket that she knew too well, she recognized it because she choose it for the date. She always wondered if Maud was cold, if at least the jacked helped her stay warm for a little longer. The clothing wasn't alone, there were bones under it and the skull was still close to the neck of the jacket. She had finally found her. Too late, but at least she now knew. Sobbing, Y/N thought about her friend and how much she hopped that life would had had more clemency for such a young soul. She placed her hand over the skull.

"Now I know the truth, Maud". But then, everything went black.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Part 5! It ended up being way much longer than I expected, so I had to divide this part in two. This one tonight, the other part tomorrow. I know Halloween would be over, but at least the final part would be out for the day of the dead. Happy Halloween everyone! Have fun!

[oklcmc]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀BILLIE JEAN ❪MASTERLIST❫࿐ ࿔*:·ﾟ [18+]

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀〝⠀For FORTY DAYS and for forty nights，THE LAW was⠀⠀⠀on her side，〞

I do not permit anyone to repost nor translate any of the work that lies beneath this line break. May this also be a quick reminder to not，and I repeat⸻ do not take from my characters，plots，graphics nor formats and try to use them as inspiration to those of your own advantage without asking me for permission or rightfully crediting me first! I originally came up with these ideas myself，that including my forewarning and playlists’ formatting. I would hate for new readers to be led astray by thinking I’m stealing from someone else when that really isn’t the case at all! I will not hesitate on blocking you from my account indefinitely either. Let this be your final warning!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⁰⁰¹.⠀⟆⠀WANNA BE STARTIN’ SOMETHIN’࿐ ࿔*:·ﾟ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀❪SERIES⠀╱⠀CINEMA❫

▋⠀UNDERGROUND COMBAT ❪URBAN❫

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀street fighter!black!male oc ❪keith powers❫  ✕  black!female oc ❪kelis rogers，circa ‘99❫ ⋮ㅤㅤㅤ⠀⠀⠀HAVING BEEN BIRTHED IN SEATTLE，Washington of late August with vaguely enough parental guidance，Kei Valentine had rightfully earned the persona of being spunky，straightforward，eccentric and diligent，but so had the boy whom was birthed twenty-four hours later，five years earlier and more than two⸻thousand miles apart from her. The only difference was that while Kei was discovering the positives in life though being abandoned at an early age， Tyree Devlin was raking up all the negatives before her. He was eager， callous，streetwise and rebellious as they came，thanks to the teachings of his only false God. ㅤㅤㅤFar from compatible，how the two Leos paths aligned was something that only the underbelly of New York City took to swallow，digest and keep sacred，but it wasn’t at all unattainable to one’s own access. You just had to know the correct route to take and connects to make. This is Underground Combat.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀or⠀⠀⠀in which even the innocent can wind up being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀TABLE OF CONTENTS⠀⦂

❱⠀SYNOPSIS. ❱⠀CHARACTER VISUALS. ❱⠀ACT I⠀⦂⠀〝MONEY，POWER ⅋ RESPECT.〞╱SOUNDTRACK.╱CHARACTER AES.

❱⠀CHAPTER UNO⠀⦂⠀〝HEAT WAVE.〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER DOS，PT. 1╱2⠀⦂⠀〝SING ABOUT ME，〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER DOS，PT. 2╱2⠀⦂⠀〝I’M DYING OF THIRST.〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER TRES⠀⦂⠀〝LOVE THY NEIGHBOR.〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER CUATRO⠀⦂⠀〝STOCKHOLM？〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER CINCO⠀⦂⠀〝HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN SCORNED.〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER SEIS，PT. 1╱2⠀⦂⠀〝HIGH RISKS，HIGH REWARDS.〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER SEIS，PT. 2╱2⠀⦂⠀〝FORTUNE FAVORS THE BOLD.〞

❱⠀ACT II⠀⦂⠀〝IMPERIAL OVERSTRETCH.〞

❱⠀CHAPTER SIETE⠀⦂⠀〝THE MARATHON.〞❪COMING SOON❫!

▋⠀IF YOU WANT ME TO STAY ❪BLAXPLOITATION╱THE GET DOWN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE❫

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀shaolin fantastic ❪shameik alti moore❫ ✕ black!female oc ❪beyoncé giselle knowles-carter，circa ‘02❫ ⋮ㅤㅤㅤ⠀⠀⠀REFLECTING ON MY YOUTH，I must’ve pitied myself. That was the only real explanation I could think of when it came down to injecting my developing mind，body and soul with any chemical compound that broke me down until I completely surpassed the feeling of numb. Numb to the fact I was being exploited more ways than one by the hands of those other than my own. Numb to the fact I endured it all just to temporarily substitute the void my mother left Roam and I in since the ages of six and ten. She manifested every aspect of the young woman I was so desperately trying to become；independent， selfless and seemed to have the answer to any question thrown her way. I grew dependent on men，selfish to my own habits and breach to every promise I vowed to keep，even those that were left lying on her deathbed. I was untouchable，Mr. Nicky Barnes，until I was repeatedly caught up in my own acts and imprisoned by the same narcotics that made me numb. The good thing about rehabilitation was that I found time to humble myself，the bad thing about rehabilitation was that it was always hard to resist temptation. My final recovery couldn't have came at a better timing. It was Summer of 1977 when I made my return to the burning borough of the Boogie Down Bronx to make amends with my only sibling，make steep career choices，fall in love with a man with just as much venom as myself，resist folding under the pressure of the crooked cops and maybe even get a hit of that sweet stuff they call Hip-Hop.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀or⠀⠀⠀in which the origin of hip-hop is told from a woman’s perspective.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀TABLE OF CONTENTS⠀⦂

❱⠀PROMOTIONAL POSTER. ❱⠀SYNOPSIS. ❱⠀CHAPTER ONE⠀⦂⠀〝BE THAT AS IT MAY.〞 ❱⠀CHAPTER TWO⠀⦂⠀〝DISCO INFERNO.〞❪COMING SOON❫!

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⁰⁰¹.⠀⟆⠀BABY BE MINE࿐ ࿔*:·ﾟ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀❪IMAGINES⠀╱⠀ONE⸻SHOTS❫

Beneath this divider you’ll find imagines╱one⸻shots all written by me that will more than likely consist of black insert，heterosexual and sexually explicit content. lesbian╱bisexual imagines╱one⸻shots will rarely occur in this instance. My name or the names I’ve made up will be what the original characters go by，so no〝y╱n，〞❪？✕  reader❫，but feel free to replace these names with one of your own if you so please.

❱⠀SHE’S OUT MY LIFE ❪HAMILTON ALTERNATE UNIVERSE❫

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀soft!john laurens ❪anthony ramos，circa ‘15❫ ✕ black!toxic!female oc ❪beyoncé giselle knowles⸻carter，circa ‘08❫

❱⠀IN LIVING COLOUR ❪HAMILTON ALTERNATE UNIVERSE❫

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀aaron burr，jr. ❪leslie odom，jr.❫ ✕ black!journalist!chorus substitute teacher!female oc ❪faith renée evans，circa 1995❫

❱⠀ANYWHERE ❪BMF ALTERNATE UNIVERSE❫

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀demetrius edward〝big meech〞flenory，sr. ❪demetrius edward〝lil meech〞flenory，jr.❫ ✕ black!female oc ❪cheryl renee〝salt〞james，circa 1988❫

❱⠀WALKED OUT ❪EUPHORIA ALTERNATE UNIVERSE❫

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀fezco ❪conor angus cloud hickey❫ ✕ black!dentistry undergraduate!female oc ❪taylour dominique paige❫  

❱⠀ANYTHING GOES

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀kendrick lamar duckworth，circa ‘22 ✕ black!female oc

❱⠀PLUVIOPHILE

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀bryshere y. gray ✕ black!publication editor⸻in⸻chief!female oc

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⁰⁰³.⠀⟆⠀THE GIRL IS MINE࿐ ࿔*:·ﾟ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀❪HEADCANONS⠀╱⠀DRABBLES❫

❱⠀NATURE FEELS ❪BLACK PANTHER ALTERNATE UNIVERSE❫

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀n’jadaka╱erik〝killmonger〞stevens ❪michael b. jordan❫ ✕ black!female oc ❪chaka khan，circa ‘77❫

❱⠀PLAY NO GAMES

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀kendrick lamar duckworth，circa ‘17？ ✕ black!female oc ❪lorraine ward❫

❱⠀LOVE.

PAIRING⠀⦂⠀kendrick lamar duckworth，circa ‘18 ✕ black!female oc ❪lorraine ward❫

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⁰⁰⁴.⠀⟆⠀HUMAN NATURE࿐ ࿔*:·ﾟ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀❪REQUESTS⠀╱⠀SUGGESTIONS❫

The requests╱suggestions section is currently unavailable for the time being，so please refrain from sending me any. I vow to inform you guys in the near future⸻ When I actually have more time on my hands⸻ On when this tab will actually be open to the general public and with more information regarding to how to earn one，so don’t fret! Just to inform you guys ahead of time，I will not be writing homosexual ❪boy ✕ boy❫ imagines╱one⸻shots╱headcannons forewarning.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀OKLCMC presents… ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀BILLIE JEAN࿐ ࿔*:·ﾟ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀❪THE MASTERLIST❫

⠀⠀⠀heavily inspired by michael jackson’s ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀thriller ❪1982❫ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⓒ oklcmc，2024.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀❛ BUT WHO CAN STAND ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀WHEN SHE’S⠀⠀⠀IN DEMAND ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀HER SCHEMES 𖬺͟ PLANS，❜ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀❪THE TAGLIST❫

[fantasyinvader]

I got a copy of Drakengard 3 recently, after watching some reviews of the series again. It was kinda nuts watching this one guy go on about how he couldn't believe that it was created by the same guy who did the Nier series even if Nier is a spin-off of Drakengard. But this guy took the games by themselves, didn't back it up with the supplementary materials and interviews like Clemps does.

To me, Drakengard 3 makes sense considering one thing: Yoko Taro hates the little sister type of character. It's why he created Furiae in the first place, a sister character who acted as a damsel in distress while at the same time having incestuous thoughts towards her brother. Throw in Inuart and I'd probably start comparing it to Sacred Stones non-stop. But really, all the characters in the first game were kinda shitty: Caim is psycho, Arioch kills and eats children after her own were killed, Leonard is into little boys and Seere is an annoying child. But what the reviewer said about how despite the fucked up nature of Drakengard's world it's still worth saving even if it was the likes of Caim and his companions to do so.

In Drakengard 2 Caim's love for Angelus (his dragon) sees him attempt to break the seals, dooming the world he saved, so that he can reunite with her.

So, what I was thinking is that Zero was meant to be like the first game, she's the last person you'd expect to save the world. How does she do so? First, she kills her “little sisters” and then she herself dies to her dragon, preventing the flower from destroying the world. She is the complete opposite of your typical female character as well; violent, vulgar, abusive, and pure is the furthest thing from Zero. Hell, she starts missions in a white dress that quickly gets stained with blood. She's not a big sister character, or a love interest, or a warm mother figure, Zero is just Zero.

But then you look at the Little Sisters of the game. One tries to present herself as Zero's complete opposite, but while she wants to save the world she can't bring herself to kill her sisters aside from Zero but her methods won't work either. Two is the quirky positive girl, someone who breaks under the weight of the setting. Three is the little sister who plays with dolls, but this ends up being creepy due to human experiments. Four tries to be the pure little sister, but this just means she's a liar who abuses her own partner, while Five is the well-endowed hedonist taken to it's logical conclusion. They all feel like they are some sort of female archetype, their designs being directly inspired by Madoka doesn't help either.

To me, it's making sense. Zero kills her sisters in part because Yoko Taro hates little sisters, but also because they represent stereotypical anime portrayals of girls. Meanwhile, Zero goes against everything anime wants women to be aside from attractive. What's more, despite the fact that the world has repeatedly kicked Zero down into the mud, she still wants to save it even if it means she herself will die. The fact Furiea was meant to rep Taro's distain for bland forgettable heroines, "who are demure, passive, "virtuous" women who exist only to look pretty and be fought over as a prize for the protagonist"... Zero was his attempt to create the exact opposite.

Can we get an episode of Death Battle where she fights Edelgard?

[marciabrady]

i rewached the hunchback of notre dame on friday for the first time, in a long time, and i'm still in shock.

hond was a film that was around when i was a child, because it had just come out, and the merchandising was still prevalent. it was being pushed a lot, so to speak, and growing up in the era that i did, the kids on the playground or online were either belle, meg, or esmeralda girls- there wasn't room for anyone else. as a child that gravitated more toward the classic princesses and femininity, it was not a movie that spoke to me and the fact that i felt it was shoved down my throat turned me off of it for a time. too much happened, even in the first five minutes, and there was constantly a wild series of events that i would try to reel my head in from. it wasn't a universe i wished to inhabit and, frankly, i think the crux of the reason why i didn't like it was because esmeralda was really the only female character (aside from laverne) and there wasn't enough for me, as a child, outside of the violence and shouting men and misery showcased. i revisited the film when i was twelve and i loved it so, but i think parts of me valued it at even higher a premium because of how rare and forgotten it had been. i even wrote esmeralda for a time. needless to say, it didn't last, and until now i've kind of been undecided about it

but watching it on friday...wow. i'm filled with both wonderment and despair. after craving quality content from disney for so long and continually being disappointed with tangled and frozen and moana and brave and raya, and every other movie i've tried to watch, i was instantly transfixed by how adult hunchback was, from the opening frames. the epic scale of the art, how ambitious it seemed, how elevated the jargon was- but mostly, how raw and realistic the storyline was. this movie threw no punches- it contained swear words, topics relating to disabilities, religion, death, genocide, se*ual assault, you literally name it. it exposed an underbelly of society that could be flattering and unflattering. while parts didn't age well, i'm surprised at how nuanced the conversation was around certain topics- decades before me too and social activism became more commonplace. i couldn't believe how beautiful it was and how much guts it took for the artists and writers to really go there. i was in disbelief for how evolved their viewpoints seemed, and this was before the internet was commonplace and they could've gotten as many viewpoints as readily as we can get them now...but then it filled me with instant sorrow, because i know they all got so much pushback and this film was so discouraged, we never saw the likes of it again.

it's funny because this film came years after the little mermaid, and you can tell how much of a higher budget this crew had to work with. the film's crew had sharpened their abilities and skills from previous years and made astounding technical advancements. that, mixed with how varied and diverse their topics became really signaled them finding their footing- or trying to. can you imagine, if they didn't give up on these types of movies, where we'd be today? how many more diverse stories, in diverse settings, we would've gotten- all adult in nature? the beautiful 2d designs and animation mixed to heighten the effect and impact and how it would've rounded out walt's vision, of wanting these films to not only be kid's stuff but genuinely be able to compete as a film genre unto itself? how different this movie was from any other??? and compare that to now, where they're all the same. what's the difference between dreamsworks, pixar, and disney movies anymore? and the activism they push now is 20 years too late, nothing cutting edge, and it's all the same. this female character is this much more badass, our first (minor) gay character that actually has no weight, addressing x about generation trauma, etc. even the topics we address in films now have been so sanitized and vetted out for audience approval that there's no real risk or edge to anything anymore, it's all monolithic and as safe as you can get.

but that's the thing with how experimental these later movies were- pocahontas, hunchback, hercules, mulan...while certain elements aged better than others, these movies should've been the beginning of an entirely new genre, not the last of their kind? how disturbing and offputting is it that tangled and brave came out decades after these films? that we've replaced the 'hellfire' villain type song with 'shiny?' we really could've had so much and it's sad that everything collapsed out from under us in that last breath of disney creating true art

the only thing that gives me hope is that we, the generation that grew up on these films, are the marketplace now. perhaps that will make these films come back into vogue and disney start producing them once more? but can they ever pick back up after such a long hiatus, without the original creative teams? is it all just a lost art form? also disney is making more money than ever with their marketable, but soulless, movies that are coming out now...also if these movies are to be in the spotlight again, does that just mean they'll be primed for another unnecessary remake? don hahn recently said disney only did animation because they couldn't make the special effects look real, but now that there's cgi to achieve hyperrealism, there's no need for 2d anymore and that's so sad to me. just because photorealism is in (which looks dated by the minute) and 3d is what people prefer, does that mean 2d is banished forever? that's like saying the invention of photography justifies the banishment of art. idk i just hope our generation can get these renaissance style movies back and to stay

[myloveforhergoeson]

That's All She Wrote - Chapter 19

Chapter Index

Find me on wattpad + ao3!

Show: Big Time Rush

Pairing: James Diamond x Original Female Character

Chapter 19: No Sleep Till Brooklyn ~ 11k

Jo and Camille,

You’ll never believe who took my phone the first day of tour and refuses to give it back because “I have more important things to be focused on right now.”

I KNOW HE CHANGED MY LIFE BUT SOMETIMES I HATE GUSTAVO ROCQUE. And I’d never say I hate Kelly, but I am upset she let him do that… SOS!

Thanks to my expert negotiation skills, I’m allowed one call to my Dad per week - like this is some kind of prison or something - so I’m going to do my best to write letters to both of you in order to keep you updated.

While it took a long time for Gustavo, Kelly, and I to map out this tour path, I didn’t think about what it would mean to be crammed on a handful of buses with both the band and our musical accompaniment. Our lovely producer and talent scout get to take flights and stay in five-star hotels, but I’m okay to travel by bus. I’ve only been to Minnesota, Wisconsin, and California, so I’m excited to see the country this way. First stop - Orlando! In three days!

We booked three buses, one for the musical accompaniment (technically I’m one of them I suppose, but the boys say they hate road trips with Logan, so I just snuck onto the bus he’s on to keep him company), and two for the band. Each one has three tiny bunks, some couches, a full bathroom, most of a kitchen, and plenty of cabinet space for snacks, games, and anything we could possibly need. For now, I’m writing from the couch, sitting next to a napping Logan, and Carlos is up front making friends with the driver, Henrietta. The other bus is currently transporting Kendall and James.

Speaking of, after Gustavo told us the tour was back on after the concert when I came running to you two to tell you what had happened, James practically ran straight to 2-J to pack and hasn’t spoken to me since. I thought I had done everything right but I guess maybe he wasn’t actually into me after all. Maybe just the thrill of surviving a kidnapping?

“I lived through this so now I can kiss Roxy!”

Blegh.

Though, I suppose it might be a good thing… After thinking about it while I was packing I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now, if that’s even something he’s interested in. Sure, I like him, but I think I still need some time to get over what Dak did to me. As much as I don’t enjoy thinking about it, they bare many similarities and that scares me a bit more than I’d like to admit.

Pop stars

Can be self-absorbed

‘Cuda extra strength hairspray

Pretty

I should probably quit while I’m ahead, but I guess I’m gonna learn my lesson if I keep playing with fire and then promptly getting burned.

All my love,

Roxy

***

Hey,

It was so humid in Orlando that it took me an extra hour to fix my hair before the show, but other than that, we had a lot of fun! I’m really proud of the show we put together and getting to perform for a new crowd all the way across the country was so surreal. There are people who know all the words to my songs, more than willing to scream them right in my face… If only that pesky boy band wasn’t in the way.

Just kidding!

Today, we’re heading to Mansfield, Massachusetts - one whole day on the bus and a show tomorrow. I’d look up some facts about the town to share but, you know, no phone or whatever. Warden Rocque hasn’t changed his mind even after the combination of pleading from the five of us…

Before the show in Orlando, I got to talk with the guys in the musical accompaniment band a bit more, they were super nice! Mick, the bass player, is pretty quiet and mostly hangs out with Gustavo and Kelly since they’re old friends, but Austin, the drummer, is our age and easy to get along with! He goes to a performance arts high school in Los Angeles called Hollywood Arts (Can you believe that’s a real thing?! A whole school just for acting, singing, and growing musical talent?!)

Austin and I have somewhat similar music taste, and his father taught him how to play the drums, just like my dad taught me how to play the guitar! We’re alike in many ways, and since 1/4 of Big Time Rush wants to ignore me right now, I think I’ll be spending more time with him…

It’s bad that I thought James might kiss me again at the show last night, right? I stood in the same spot side-stage, putting on the same lipstick and everything, but he and the band just ran past me on the way to the other side of the venue. I wonder if he told them what happened; everyone else is being normal to me.

Logan says he misses you so much, Camille! Quickly followed by a panicked statement, “Not that I don’t care about Jo, it’s just different!” Kendall joined us on the bus today, swapping out with Carlos, and said, “Tell Jo I vow to get my phone back so I can call her again,” and when I asked him why he didn’t write you letters too, he claimed that stamps were too expensive. Perhaps your boyfriend is both illiterate and broke, Jo, and for that I’m sorry.

See you soon, even if soon isn’t soon enough,

Roxy

***

Thought of you both today, and it made me so happy,

We just arrived in Agawam, Massachusetts, which is only two hours away from Mansfield, so we had a quick show turnaround for the day.

I never knew going on tour was so exhausting, it’s like I’m constantly running around the venues, checking our equipment, making sure the proper snacks are in the band’s green rooms, or seeing if the stage crew needs any help. We have two big eighteen-wheelers to carry all of our stage equipment… I can’t imagine being in charge of all that stuff - the stage manager is a saint!

This morning, Gustavo dragged us out of the bus around 6 am to get to a local radio station so the band could promote their show tonight live on the air. They even gave a pair of tickets away to a fan, it was so fun to watch and reminded me a bit of my radio days. I might call my old boss and ask her if BTR can get on Project Pop when we finish our tour in Duluth.

While the band was working out with our athletic trainer to keep in shape for the show this evening, I hung out with Austin a bit more. He was nice enough to show me his drum kit and I think I’m going to ask him to teach me how to play if we have some free time. It looks a lot more fun than the piano, plus I get to hit things. Drums are a crucial part of instrumental songwriting, and I could really use the knowledge of a seasoned drummer to help me learn.

James saw us together today when he made his way to the stage to warm up for the show, and I might be overexaggerating but I think he was a bit put off by it. I thought about talking to him about it, not that I need to ask if it's okay or justify who I hang out with, but I actually think he and Austin would get along really well if he could stand to be in the same room as me for more than 5 minutes.

I think it should be illegal to kiss someone and then promptly ignore them. What if I wanted to kiss him again? And again? And again?

Anyway, I wish mail traveled fast enough that you two could send me replies and I’d be guaranteed to get them at the next venue. It feels a bit like I’m writing to a brick wall here, but it certainly keeps me occupied during our very rare downtime. The couch on this bus has become my unspoken spot (the bunks are too narrow and small for me to feel comfortable in them) and I need to do more than just sleep here, listen to my iPod, or write/play my guitar.

Until the next letter,

Rox

***

Hello!

Too many things happened today for me to record before the show, I’m writing you two a nice list as we drive away to our next stop.

James rode the bus with Logan and me today (a two-hour ride to Saratoga Springs, New York) and the two of them ignored me almost the entire time and just played their stupid video game on the TV. All I got was a “Hey, Rox, can we use the couch?” and some semblance of a thank you when I told him yes. Ugh. Is “Hey, Rox, remember when I kissed you last week? Wasn’t that so awesome? Wanna do it again?” too much for him now? It feels like I sucked all of his fun, flirty, carefree attitude straight out of his body.

I asked Austin if he could teach me how to play the drums and he said yes, as long as I helped him write a song for a fun summer project. Apparently, a good chunk of the kids at his school are songwriters too, how neat! If they write something like a short scene of a play, a song, or a musical composition and present it in the first few weeks of school, they get extra course credit. I wish the Palm Woods school had something like that - I’d be rocking straight A’s the entire year.

It was finally time for me to call my dad today, as per Warden Rocque’s direction, and he’s doing okay. Nothing ever changes with him, so I’m pretty at ease as we travel. Kelly let me put him on the guest list for the Duluth show, and even though I know he won’t really like our music, I think he’ll admire the production. He always wanted to tour around the country, and I hope showing him some backstage magic can help satisfy the teenage rocker he used to be. Maybe it’ll be a good time for him to meet Kendall, Logan, and Carlos too!

The band was recognized in public for the first time today while we were waiting in line for coffee! I’m not sure if the girl posted the photo I happily took of her and the boys to ScuttleButter, but I hope you two can find it so you can see their dazzling, shocked smiles. They were beyond ecstatic; Carlos spilled most of his drink from how hard his hands were shaking with adrenaline. Good thing he wasn’t wearing his concert outfit or Gustavo would’ve thrown a fit.

I was hoping to sneak away and take a train to New York City since we got here so early in the morning, but that is what happened instead. We’re playing Madison Square Garden near the end of the tour, so I’ll see the city then, but I’m worried I’ll be too tired and burnt out to enjoy it.

Warm wishes,

Roxy

***

Friends,

Sorry for the lack of letters these past few days! We’ve been so busy getting from New York to Oklahoma, we haven’t stopped anywhere with a mailbox I could easily find. You know what would make it easier for me to find a post office? Having my phone.

I’ve probably complained about that enough, right?

Over the course of this particular trip, I’ve been traveling with Logan and Carlos and I’m beginning to understand why the boys claim road trips with Logan are tough. He has a pretty strict expectation for cleanliness, which Carlos and I do not adhere to at all - but in helping clean up and placing things in their bunks to help put a rest to Logan’s anxiety this afternoon, I learned he has a picture of you, Camille, tapped to the top of his bunk. It’s been pretty well hidden by the curtain he keeps drawn, but I caught a glimpse of it this afternoon. So romantic!!! I imagine Kendall has something similar of you, Jo, but I’ll have to wait until he’s back in rotation with us to double-check.

I wonder if it’s exhausting for the other three to keep moving around, or if they prefer it that way. For me, I like knowing that Bus 1 is my bus… Having to haul all my stuff from one bus to another feels like an excellent way to lose some of my things.

Do you think if James and I were together he’d have a picture of me in his bunk? The thought of him falling asleep to dreams of me… Seems impossible. And exhausting to work for. If he’s going to be all hot and cold like this, I’m not sure I’d be able to take it, but on the other hand, it’s not like I’m communicating with him either because whenever I even try to bring up anything related to us at all, I freeze up and all the thoughts exit my brain before I can get a word out. Maybe we are made for each other after all since neither of us seems to want to get a word out… The pretty idiot and his idiot songwriter… Haha….

On a separate note, after the show in Tulsa tonight, the band, our bosses, and the musical accompaniment will be headed straight to the airport to catch a flight to Del Mar, California for our next show there in four days. Due to my flight aversion, I get to stay with the buses and gear and travel on the ground to meet them there. It will be interesting to see how I fare, considering I’ve been around the band 24/7 for the last two weeks. Maybe I’ll be able to work on some music distraction-free. I have a few works in progress, both about guys I really don’t want to think about, but once this tour cycle is over there’s no doubt we’re going to begin the process all over again for album 2.

Just paused writing this to pull out my journal and write “All Over Again” down on a blank page. That sounds like a wonderful song title.

Talk again soon,

Roxy

***

Guess what?

I was right about getting in some quality songwriting time. With the near silence of the bus, besides the intermittent strumming of my guitar and terrible singing of my own lyrics to the musical background track in my head, I think I’ve finally finished Til I Forget About You, even if the title isn’t all that accurate.

In fact, the title isn’t accurate in the slightest. In these last four days, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about Dak more. There’s been lots of frustrated yelling, crying, ripping and crumpling of pages of my journal on the floor… I don’t know how Taylor Swift makes writing break-up songs look so easy. She’s been who I pray to when I get stuck on a line or can’t figure out which chord I like better.

Between Gustavo’s and my affinity for pop music, when I write from the deep recesses of my heart, I find myself bringing out my rock roots. There’s nothing better than the feeling of guitar blasting from the speakers so loud you can feel it rattling around in your rib cage, filling up your ears and leaving them ringing for days on end, and that is the feeling I’ve been coasting on these few days…

It reminds me of my dad and I think that’s why it helps me feel better. Growing up on the heels of his time in the rock scene in Texas, then discovering the punk scene in Minnesota, he was always using his free time to replicate the sounds he’d hear at shows to play for me on his days off. He would tell me all the time that I was such a smiley, giggly kid, as long as his guitar was out - so the minute I was old enough to hold one in my hands he bought me one and taught me to play.

When I was finally old enough to go to shows with him, I always loved the contrast between our looks - my mainstream, bright-colored clothing straight out of TeenVogue and his old, beat-up black band t-shirts blending in with the dark ink on his forearms and even darker jeans and Doc Martins. Was a crowded basement in a random suburb miles away from our house, filled with drunk 20 to 30-somethings and a lineup of 7 different bands in one night really the safest place for a 13-year-old girl? Certainly not, but he always kept me safe and gave me a space to foster my own music taste just like he was afforded as a teenager.

Phew. That was a long-winded way of saying that I’m finally starting to find myself getting over the pain Dak caused me through my music, and I’m really lucky Big Time Rush has given me the space to explore this. Not that Til I Forget About You is an incredible, unmatched rock song - it is still very much a pop song, which I love just as much - but it is, for all intents and purposes, mine.

I miss both of you so much, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Roxy

***

Greetings,

One thing always seems to lead to another. In Del Mar, we finally had an actual, honest-to-God day of rest yesterday and the band asked if I wanted to go to the beach with them. Of course, I agreed, because it felt close to chilling by the Palm Woods pool, but once we got there I quickly learned that the trip everyone took without me brought Austin and the boys closer together. Which is fine, that’s what I wanted in the first place, but now, it feels like I’ve lost my touring buddy.

They spent the entire day surfing (where did these boys learn how to surf?), playing volleyball, and trying to pick up dates, and basically left me to my own devices to watch our stuff. I even wore my best bikini top (purple!) in hopes maybe, just maybe, it would bother James a bit, but I’m not sure he even noticed as he kept trying to play wingman for Carlos and Austin all day. I guess he decided no one on the beach was interesting enough to try and pick up.

Something I did notice, not that it matters at all, but Austin had a bit of trouble in the sun all day. Logan said that he was displaying symptoms of hypoglycemia, and he and I had to help Austin back to our stuff at one point after he nearly toppled over from how shaky his legs were. Eventually, we were able to get a few sodas in him, and he claimed to be right as rain, but it was pretty scary. I know it’s not right of me to ask him what I can do to help if he ever needed it because if he wanted me to share, he would have told me, but it was a bit hard not to take note of the small, off-white pod attached to his deep almond abdomen when he took his shirt off.

Typically, I’d just look it up in private to confirm my own thoughts, but I don’t get my phone for another few days. For now, though, or until he’s comfortable talking about it, I stopped into a corner store on the way back to our buses to grab some snacks that I think would help if his blood sugar were to drop unexpectedly again. Now I just pray nothing punctures the small juice boxes I put in a plastic bag or the hard fruit candies don’t spill out and stick to anything.

And on top of all of that, despite applying copious amounts of sunscreen, I managed to burn my legs. Goodbye shorts and skirts, hello pants I was saving for the colder climates. I tried to take a page out of Hayley Williams’ style book and go for shorts and fitted tees or crop tops as my go-to stage look - adding in jewelry, belts, tights, whatever to switch up my looks day to day, but now I guess I’ll be looking more like Gwen Stefani circa 1995 with my small shirts and big pants.

The show went off without a hitch and we’re off to Central Point, Oregon now, and hopefully once things get back to normal I can get my tour buddy back.

Rox

***

Girls!!!!

I know you’re both from the east coast, and I am obviously so Midwest, but there is just something about the crisp, Oregon air that makes me long for a different hometown. If I grew up here, beautiful Central Point, I think (in addition to being a major league hippie) I might have led a very different life. It’s strange to think about, and I’m incredibly grateful for my current life, but can you imagine if I was the owner of a quaint crystal shop on the edge of the evergreen forests of this state, or if I hand knit sweaters, tye-dying them all crazy, fun colors to sell to tourists. One pretty prominent radio station, Talk Radio Network, is based here, so maybe I’d still be Rockin’ Roxy out here too…

It’s a quiet town, however, not like Duluth or Los Angeles, and it’s pretty far from Portland. My dad always told me he wanted to visit there - apparently, they have a thriving music community in that town.

That’s all I have in the way of updates. After tonight’s show, we’re on our way back to California to the town of Turlock. Kelly, Gustavo, and I could have been a bit more coordinated when booking shows, but we were desperate enough to take whatever we could get, even if it meant extra travel time.

Extra travel time, however, means I have more time to think about the dumpster fire that is my love life as I am now trapped in a bus with James once again. Maybe he and Logan will play that stupid game again and leave me alone as I write.

Speaking of, here’s a few lines I’m working on. What do you think?

I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by,

Can’t even talk, ‘cause words don’t come into my mind,

I’d make a move if I had the guts to,

But I’m paralyzed

Best,

Roxy

***

Good morning, or evening, or whatever the appropriate time may be,

I’m so sorry I skipped out on letters these past few days, our show turnaround time has been insane, and I’ve been doing my best to keep up with my assistant-ly duties to the best of my ability - meaning I’ve had no time to myself in the last four days. Since I last wrote, we’ve been to Turlock, California, Costa Mesa, California, Kansas City, Missouri, and are presently pulling away from Harrington, Delaware.

A list of things of note for you:

In Turlock, Carlos ran over to me during the show and asked me if I wanted to sing. I said absolutely not and he ran off again. Then in Costa Mesa, he ran up to me during City is Ours and asked me to shout “There they are!” into his microphone after the “We pull up, open the door, all the girls scream-” line, while the rest of the band held theirs out to the crowd. They’re really taking this show and making it theirs, and it’s lovely to see. As I write this, Carlos just informed me I’ll be doing that every night with that big, goofy grin of his that makes it impossible for me to even think about saying no.

We did a radio show in each city, and the questions these interviewers come up with in order to be different from one another are just insane. Though, one of the hosts did ask them if they had anyone special waiting for them back home - it gave Logan a chance to stutter his way around the question (Camille… Make it official with him already!) and Kendall the opportunity to monologue about Jo for, like, five minutes. I would’ve recorded it had I had a device on hand capable of doing so (yeah I’m not done complaining). By the time he was done, the interview had nearly ended, so Carlos squeaked out “I have four special people!” and I think he meant the Jennifers and Stephanie (Is Stephanie back yet?). James (blegh!) said “Anyone willing to wait on me is special,” like the true teen idol he is. Any girl willing to wait on him… I pity her.

My drum lessons started in Kansas City after the band managed to rope Austin into a game of pickup while the buses were unloading. Who puts a basketball hoop outside of a music venue and expects anyone to get anything done? Regardless, it was a lot of fun and Austin is a pretty attentive teacher - far better than grouchy Gustavo when he was going over piano basics. There’s a lot I can learn from him! We also started writing his song, a fun, simple summer song about the beach and girls and whatnot… I’m excited to see this project through with him.

Gustavo and Kelly wrote a note on the daily itinerary sheets they give the band and I that we’re currently headed to Denver, Colorado, where we’ll have two days off from performing to do interviews, radio shows, news slots, the whole nine yards. Apparently, news outlets come to us, not the other way around, and they’re very excited to talk to America’s next top boy band. We’ll be doing a few live acoustic performances as well, meaning the guys and I, on camera, filmed for the whole world to see. Let’s hope I don’t mess up.

Miss you endlessly!

Roxy

***

Greetings from the Mile High City,

The press day, the boys claimed, was “hella exciting” and “beyond epic”... I’d describe it more like “waking nightmare” if anyone bothered to ask me. All they had to do was sit there, look pretty, answer some questions or play silly games, and sing. I, on the other hand, was lost in an endless pile of media release forms for every news outlet to approve, combing through the Gustavo pre-approved questions the interviewers were going to ask the boys, keeping their refreshments well stocked so they never ran out of water and choked on a dry throat when they went to answer questions… My work is never-ending!

Definitely one of the worst days on this tour for me, though, I wouldn’t choose it over having to go back and rewrite Til I Forget About You. Speaking of, in my previous letter I forgot to mention a particularly important line that I keep repeating to myself whenever I find my thoughts unpleasantly flickering to Dak… Or at this point, to James.

I found a place where I can lose myself,

And just leave your memory on the shelf,

See? I’m fine, no, I don’t need nobody else.

The punctuation is subject to change, but for now, I’m quite certain I don’t need anyone else in my life. I’m fine just being Roxy for a while… Even if my thoughts often turn into Roxy and James.

Not to toot my own horn, but the song is very good, and I can’t wait to record it once we get back from tour. I think that’ll be a good point to mark my “getting over it” progress.

Something I forgot to mention about these interviews, that I now realize as we pull away from the Denver venue and off to Eureka, Missouri, is I’m actually learning so much about the band by sitting and listening in. They almost never talk about their lives before Hollywood, because the four of them have (as I learned today) known each other since they were four years old. From first meeting at a Pee-Wee hockey league game all the way to playing varsity hockey at MAHS, they’ve been with each other almost their entire lives. Most of the interviewers ask really good, clear questions, that lead the boys down a path that gets them talking and reminiscing on themselves - something they rarely speak about when the others are around. Today (among other things) I also learned Carlos is fluent in Spanish, Logan was really into ventriloquy in middle school, Kendall is allergic to kiwi, and James is the heir to the Brooke Diamond Cosmetics company.

I should have put two and two together on the last one, he’s insanely beautiful and the last name “Diamond” isn’t exactly very common, but remembering what he’s told me about his mom and now knowing she’s Brooke Diamond?? The Este Lauder of the Midwest?? accounts for a lot of his behavior.

A few years ago, there was a big scandal that hit the front page of all the Duluth papers, news stations, radio waves, etc., claiming that BDC’s top model, and Brooke’s husband, Blake Diamond, was caught having an affair with a woman half his wife’s age. On top of that being insanely disgusting, it was in the news for weeks, announcing the Diamond divorce, explaining the court hearings and who got what, all leading up to Blake and his girlfriend eloping to Vegas and getting married the minute he and Brooke were officially split.

What does that do to a budding teenager? Chew them up and spit them out a completely new person. No wonder James never talks about his parents, or his home(s). The only time I learned something about his family was after the dance when he told me his mom made him break up with his boyfriend and when we were back in Minnesota he vaguely told me his parents were separated.

God, I cannot imagine what that must have/still feels like for him. Knowing that he had Kendall, Logan, and Carlos to help him through it makes me feel better, though.

I think, among other reasons, that might have been why he helped get us back to Hollywood a few days before the big concert. Either returning home to his successful mother as a failure or returning home to stay with a cheater and his new wife…

Phew. That was a long one. Every time I send one of these I can feel the two of you mentally cursing me for my wishy-washy gushy James feelings - trust me, it’s just as exhausting for me to think I’m fine alone one day, then want him so badly the next. Please bear with me while I figure this all out.

Wish you were here,

Roxy

***

Eureka!

Somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Kendall woke me up from my lazy couch nap to tell me he wants to learn how to play the guitar.

“That’s great,” I said. “I’d love to teach you, but all my guitars are strung left-handed.”

Bless his heart, he cocked his head and asked, “Why does that matter?”

“Well. I’m left-handed. You’re not. It’s a completely different learning process.”

“Do you know how many hockey players play left-handed, even though they’re right-hand dominant?”

Of course, I don’t. But, in the small second I had to think about it, I realized that there are plenty of famous guitar players that do that too… kind of. Many left-handed guitar players just learn right-handed because left-hand guitar equipment isn’t produced near as much or to the same quality and standards as right-handed equipment!

Thankfully, my dad is left-handed too, so he knew where to get the proper things in order for me to play when I was little, but it was I who took it upon myself to learn how to restring a guitar to fit my own needs. When I was 12, there was this beautiful oak wood acoustic in the local music shop, but it was strung right-handed. The owner didn’t know how to restring it (claiming no one had ever asked him to before, but I just think he was lazy), so I convinced my dad to buy it, a pack of new strings, and a tool kit, and I took it apart, then put everything back everything completely opposite - worked like a charm, until I sold it a few years later to get my electric acoustic.

In all, I’m excited to teach Kendall but I’ll have to find the time in between my assistant duties and my own drum lessons. The request was a bit out of the blue, however, and I wanted to ask him why, but he was too busy buzzing to Logan about it after I told him yes. Maybe he’s trying to learn a skill that will set him apart from the other band members.

After tonight’s show, we’ve got another one tomorrow before another press day, then a stretch of three more shows back to back. It’ll be tiring, but at least we’re having fun. Playing shows is rewarding beyond measure, and hard for me to put into words, but the connection the band has to their audience is unmatched. The way they can make thousands of people get up and dance, sing, let loose… It’s a beautiful sight - one I’m so lucky to be able to witness almost every night.

Maybe you can find some clips on SnoobTube,

Roxy

***

Girls, I’m running out of clever greetings,

I AM SO TIRED.

Columbus, Ohio, along with being a boring city in the world, also happened to be the same place our press day was taking place - meaning we were there for two days too long. Then, we had our three-day tour stint.

On day one, one of our eighteen-wheelers containing half of the stage set up was late. So, guess who, on top of making sure the boys were situated in their green rooms and had everything they requested, had to assist with tech setup I knew nothing about, got to run the soundcheck almost completely alone, and explain to Gustavo the boys had to go on a few minutes later than anticipated :)

On day two, I learned more about the boys. Maybe I’m being dumb and petty, but I think it’s a bit strange that much of my knowledge of them is now coming from these interviews - they’re sharing important things, that I think as their friend I should have the right to have known about beforehand. They know I’ve been struggling to get good at the piano for months now and guess who I learned has been playing all his life? James. Would it have killed him to maybe offer a helping hand? In addition, I found out Logan’s favorite food is toast. Just… plain toasted bread and butter… Kendall’s dream pet, apparently, is a goat because he misses the one we rented at the School of Rocque so much and Carlos doesn’t think Antarctica is real. I wish I could’ve stopped him before he said that during a live interview, but you win some, and you lose some. I was too busy handling all the paperwork and helping the next news outlet set up to get the interviews done as quickly as possible to get in his way.

On day three, we made it to Clearfield, Pennsylvania, a cute town that runs along a beautiful river I discovered on a walk in the morning. Sometimes being cooped up in a bus all night gets old, so when the boys work out in the morning, I wander as far as I think I can before Gustavo and Kelly realize I’m missing. The show that night was great, but Kendall ripped his pants jumping off one of my amps, and everyone in the first few rows got to see his underwear. I’m not sure he’ll be living that one down for a while.

On day four, we rolled into West Allis, Wisconsin around 6 am, where we were promptly escorted off the bus and into a local radio station, who called Gustavo the previous evening and practically begged for a Big Time Rush live acoustic performance. So, Mick and Austin got to sleep in, while I grabbed my acoustic guitar and drowsily followed the boys into the studio, languishing in the familiar smell of Lake Michigan - So close to Lake Superior back in Duluth! We performed three songs, Big Time Rush, Stuck (of course…), and Any Kind of Guy acoustic. Honestly, my stage skills are getting better with each performance, and I think it’s because the guys make me feel so relaxed when we play together. Whenever I performed with Brand New Day, I was always trying too hard to impress Dani, and more importantly, Mag, so playing always took a ton of effort. But with Big Time Rush, I feel so at ease, and I’m able to let loose and have fun. The only thing that caught me off guard today was James derailing the interview before Stuck to dedicate it to “Any girl who feels like they’re invisible… Don’t worry, I see you.”

Dedicating a song you didn’t even write to a person it’s not even about? Barf. Those words keep rattling around in my brain and I wish I could kick them straight out, but I’ve been dwelling on them for days.

On day five, we took a ferry (!!) to Midland, Michigan, while our eighteen-wheelers had to take the long way around, through Illinois and Indiana. Since our stage equipment didn’t arrive until the later part of the day, I pulled out two of my guitars stored away in Bus 1 in order to give Kendall his first lesson at the venue. Since Carlos bunked with Logan and me the night before, the boys decided to switch buses for a few hours, which meant I had to deal with an insane amount of James' side eye as he went about making his breakfast in the small kitchen.

If he’s got a problem with me hanging around my friends, he’s no better than Dak and I’m certainly not going through that again. He kisses me a few times and now thinks he has some weird possessive thing over me? Absolutely not. I’m just so done with him, I don’t understand how just a month and a half ago we shared a journey that literally altered the course of our lives, and now, here he is, acting as though it meant nothing to him.

Maybe I need to get out of the celebrity dating pool - if this tour has taught me anything it certainly is the fact that all my friends are famous and I am not.

Yeah. What a downer of a letter this turned into,

Roxy

***

Send lots of caffeine and my giant stuffy puppy to Fairlea, West Virginia, please!

I’m too exhausted to write out a better greeting, so this letter begins with the truth. There were many times over the last three days I sat down to write this, but every day I ended up falling asleep in the middle. Last night, Logan had to physically remove the pen from my hand while I slept as I was apparently in danger of poking my eye out.

In three days we’ve been to Hamburg, New York, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Peru, Illinois. Another day without seeing the Big Apple, another day in a big city that makes me miss Los Angeles, and another day in a city where if the name and state weren’t written down on our call sheets I might be so tiredly deluded I think we’re in a different country.

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James are natural-born performers. I, on the other hand, am starting to believe that I may not be cut from a similar cloth. Something inside of them keeps them on the go, go, go, and I would love to know just what it is that makes them tick. The only thing keeping me motivated right now is getting to hear the crowd sing along to my songs every single night. It sounds a bit cheesy to write out, but it’s true! To know all of our hard work writing, recording, and rehearsing, is paying off and reaching corners of the U.S. we didn’t even know existed! And that people are buying our album… So I’ll have a nice cushion of a retirement plan when I’m older…

That, and my lessons of course! Austin has been so cool about helping me learn the drums, and I think I’m getting pretty good even though I’ve only had a few moments of practice. That, and we even had enough time to work on our song more, which is surprisingly almost complete… That boy can write! My goal is to write a drum section for one of my songs all by myself. Normally, Gustavo is able to take my lyrics and guitar melodies and write in drums, bass, piano, or whatever else we think is necessary to execute our grand vision, so for once, I’d like to fill in a new instrument and save him some time which would probably also equate to saving him some time yelling at our other band members.

Guitar lessons with Kendall have been going well too, though I’m not sure he’s very fond of me as a teacher. I’ve struggled to put together little exercises for him to practice because I barely remember learning guitar myself. Maybe I can talk to my dad about it on our next call.

Oh! And Carlos and I invented a game today!

We call it Honk Bonk, and you play it exactly how it sounds. Any time a car in traffic honks, you bonk the closest person on the head with something near you. My weapon of choice, of course, is my journal, and the boys are already used to bonking from that, though someone did honk during Kendall’s lesson today… I was tempted but alas, he needs to stay pretty so he can date my best friend. And sell more albums.

I hope you’re both well, I can’t wait to get back home to see you,

Roxy

***

Panicking! I spent all of today panicking!

This morning, Logan and Kendall shook me awake around 3 am to tell me that it was James’ birthday. TODAY.

I had a few thoughts on this. 1. Why didn’t any of the band mention this until we were three hours into the day? 2. Where the hell am I supposed to get party supplies on a moving bus rolling into Fairlea, West Virginia? 3. How am I going to survive an entire day centered around the guy I’m doing my very best not to think about? 4. Is James mature enough to be the first of us to turn seventeen?

Thank God James was on the other bus because if he had heard the ideas Logan, Kendall, and I had in order to surprise James the minute we stopped at the next venue…

Here was what we came up with:

If you cut up little pieces of colored paper, it kinda looks like confetti. The colored paper in question? Three of the front and back covers of books Logan had brought and finished in the first part of the tour. Kendall had to physically restrain him as I did this.

I’m a songwriter - when in a pinch, write a song. The three of us quickly devised a little spin on the traditional happy birthday song to surprise James with on stage later that blends into the traditional song everyone knows. Hopefully, an entire stadium of people singing to him is a good enough gift.

We can take old tour itineraries from the previous towns, a Sharpie, and some of the bungee chords holding our equipment down during travel to make a HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES banner.

The bus was stocked with enough items to make Oreo Fluff salad, thanks to the miracle that is pudding cups, but not a real cake… He seemed to enjoy it when he came to tell me we were going back to L.A. after a few hours in Duluth. I don’t have any green food coloring, however, so it was boring black and white.

A sub point - around 6 am I begged the bus driver, Henrietta, to let me use her phone and call a Fairlea local bakery and express order a cake to bring out on stage. I also managed to call the venue and ask them to pick up some cupcakes to be waiting in the green room when we arrived and put up any party supplies they had on hand.

It was exhausting, like most things on this tour I guess, but once we rolled into town everything had been squared away, our efforts were well worth it.

Did you know that when James smiles, like really smiles, he has the most adorable dimples that carve right into his cheeks?

A smile that makes me breathless. A smile that remained on his face all day as we surprised him with our homemade banner, confetti, and treats. A smile plastered on his face the entire show, especially when we surprised him with our song, cake, and the entire crowd sang him happy birthday.

When the show ended, the band freshened up and went to meet some fans out by the front of the venue, and I had to run back into the bus and record my journal entry and write this letter, as I currently am before they came back.

My journal entry contained the word “James” like 40 times.

GOD! He ignores me almost all of the tour, speaking to me only about the essentials or whatever's going on around us on our days off, I finally decide he isn’t into me and I should just chill out for a bit, and now I’m suddenly all about him again. Maybe it’s just because I’m around him literally every day… Maybe it’s because I felt a hint of (healthy! Definitely healthy!) jealousy when he looked at everyone singing to him on stage and in the crowd except for me… Ugh.

We’re on for another multi-day stretch of shows, so please forgive me for fewer letters as the days go on,

Roxy

***

Look I know I said I’d be sending fewer letters but I NEED to tell you guys this.

After arriving in Farmingville, New York, around 9ish in the morning, I was abruptly awoken to the sound of Gustavo yelling at the band about who knows what. Apparently, this pissed them off so much they came storming onto my bus, told me to get ready as fast as I could, and thirty minutes later we were sneaking out of the venue and into a taxi that drove us right into the heart of Manhattan.

We messed around the city for the ENTIRE DAY and Gustavo had no way of finding us since he had our phones. Finally, we got to be the tourists instead of the attraction, before getting back to the venue before the show started.

Once the taxi dropped us off right outside of Time Square, Logan had the brilliant idea for each of us to pick one thing we wanted to do, and do our best to complete them before the end of the day. The list is as follows:

Kendall wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building

Logan wanted to visit the Morgan Library

Carlos wanted to see Spider-Man

James (after loudly complaining we couldn’t see something on Broadway) wanted to take a sightseeing cruise around the bay to see the Statue of Liberty

I wanted to see the musical instrument display at the MET and I convinced everyone to join me for a lunch picnic in Central Park.

Today was literally perfect, though I did feel a bit bad about leaving Austin and Mick back at the venue to run the soundcheck without me.

Besides admiring the thousands of advertisements roving around the Square, the first thing we did was hit the Morgan Library. The architecture was just breathtaking and it was amazing to see the carefully curated collection of historical documents. They even had musical manuscripts and printed forms of music from nearly one hundred years ago… I wonder how a boy band in 1909 would look… Or if my journals will be on display in 2109… Scary!

Not as scary as the top of the Empire State Building, though!

It was so cold and windy up there, even in the middle of the summer. I practically had to cling to Carlos’ arm to feel even a little bit stable, but of course, he wanted to get right up to the very edge of the building and look straight down. Kendall and Logan wanted to join him (one to spit off the edge and the other to try and calculate how far away the second tallest building in NY was) so I got passed off to James. Would it have killed him to put his arm around me and tell me it would be alright? Jesus. He just stood there, silently looking off into the distance while I clutched at his arm. Message received: He isn’t into me.

The rest of the day was fun and I wanted to write more but now I’m a bit sad after writing that. All I really want to do is go to bed now; I’ll tell you about it when we meet again, I guess.

Roxy

***

Daddy,

Tour is hard. So hard. And I feel so stupid for thinking that I was cut out for this kind of thing. Songwriters are for the studio, not the stage. I’ve spent so much time around the guys I’m starting to go crazy. You and I always talked about traveling if we had the money, and let me tell you one day per city is hardly enough to even say that I’ve been here. It’s not cross-country exploration if I haven’t explored five minutes past the closest coffee shop because I can barely keep my eyes open without caffeine.

I’m constantly tired. My back hurts from sleeping on the couch. My fingers are so sore. My eyes are dry from the incessant spotlight lighting us up for thousands of people every night. The next person to ask me for something might get their head bitten off if they don’t say “please?”

Just because I’m an assistant doesn’t mean I get to be walked all over.

The applause is nice though, hearing everyone sing along to my songs even in parts of the country I’ve never even heard of… Maybe that’s enough to get me to Duluth.

I can’t wait to see you. Sorry for the depressing letter, I’m having a hard time being away from both of my homes.

Promise you’ll listen to the setlist before you see us?

I hope I’m making you proud,

Roxanne

***

Hi.

The shows in Lima, Ohio, and Falcon Heights, Minnesota were great. Our friends are just so talented. It was hard being so close to Duluth, and I invited my dad to the show last minute, but he wasn’t able to make it.

We’re driving to Essex, Vermont now - 13 hours into a 20-hour journey.

The weather out here has been awful, it’s been thunder storming nonstop, so we haven’t been making as many stops as we usually have. Just my luck I’m stuck with Logan and James, and I’ve been writing a song all day.

It’s a song for James’ invisible girls… More accurately, a song full of words I wish he would say to me.

Am I out of mind, or just invisible?

Anyway. It’s been extra hard to write because the two of them were sitting less than three feet away from me the entire time. They’re both so nosey, consciously or not and kept looking over at me. I could tell they wanted to ask me about it, but at least they were respectful enough not to.

It’s got a really beautiful guitar melody, but I’d love to get my hands on my keyboard back home because I have a cool idea for a backing track… Never thought I’d be excited to play the piano but here I am, itching to play it thousands of miles from home.

We play Boston, Massachusetts in a few days, and the boys kept talking about wanting to hit up a pizza place in the city that they visited during one of their hockey tournaments a few years ago. At this point, I’m just trying to get through the next 7 hours. That’s when we get to the next venue, though we have to take a day off from the show tomorrow. Not only is it Carlos’ birthday, but it’s the day of Hawk and Rebecca’s trial. Sweet, sweet seventeen spent reminiscing one of the worst moments of our entire lives. Whoo whoo.

In other depressing news, after coming to the realization that I like James, but he doesn’t like me, it’s been extra hard to be around him. Mostly I just hang out with Austin and beat out my frustration on his drum kit… The last 13 hours have been like hell. Every time James smiles, it makes me want to. His laugh rings in my ears, sending a jolt straight through my heart. Whenever he gets up to walk by me, it takes everything in me not to stare as he moves about the bus.

It’s exhausting… Having a crush on someone is supposed to be fun. I’m supposed to feel like I’m walking on air, and glow, and sparkle, and shine. Instead, I feel like shit.

Truly, I guess I don’t really know him like I thought I did. What happened to the always flirty, unserious, loverboy who took me on a date our first month in Los Angeles?

I think I blew my chance with him once I met Dak, and I think I hate myself for it.

Exhausted and missing home,

Roxy

***

Happy birthday, happy trial day,

I hope you’ll be pleased to know that Hawk and Rebecca will be going away for a long time. We tried to celebrate Carlos’ birthday with cupcakes at the venue, but no one had an appetite after our Skype trial. To try and lighten the mood, I played a few songs he showed me at the beginning of the tour on my guitar, but I could tell as he absently sang along it wasn’t really helping.

Though, in other news that I shouldn’t be happy about, James spoke to me today unprompted and asked if I was okay after my testimony. Apparently, I was speaking quite shakily… Which, yeah. I was fucking kidnapped and asked to recount it in front of a room full of people I don’t know, of course, I was shaky. But at least he was thinking about me.

Maybe he needs signs or cues or reasons to act or something… Weirdo.

Anyway, we’ll bring a cake out for Carlos during the show tomorrow and have the crowd sing for him. Hopefully, he’s in better spirits tomorrow.

This was a weird letter, I know. Life’s weird recently, but thanks for reading. Miss you two.

Roxy.

***

Carlos fucking Garcia has been reading my mail. I’m convinced of it! Because tonight, when the band did the little introduction of their musical accompaniment, Carlos introduced me, walked right up to me, planted to sweetest, wettest, loudest kiss onto my cheek, and told me he loved me in front of the whole crowd.

When I told him I loved him back, we got some “awwws” (mostly “boooos” that I’m choosing to ignore) and continued the show.

Then.

When the show ended.

James grabbed my hand, dragged me off towards the back door of the venue, onto some side street alley where we couldn’t hear the crowds of people leaving the show anymore, and asked me if I wanted to make out.

A reason to act! Carlos telling thousands of people he loved me was a reason to act!

So.

We made out in a dirty, smelly alley and I think it was the best night of my entire life… Besides the five seconds I’m pretty sure a rat touched my foot.

There is hope yet,

Roxy

P.S.

When I got back to the bus I was buzzing so bad I told Logan everything. That I liked James, that we kissed, that we kissed some more, that I think about him all the time, that I’ve written one and a half songs about him already.

I’m in so deep at this point… And all Logan did was grin at me - stupid, dumb grin - and say “Finally,” before heading off to his bunk to sleep.

Camille, I hate your almost-boyfriend and I’m drawing all over his face in Sharpie tonight.

***

Oops,

Not to leave you two on a cliffhanger but the last month of tour has been so insane I haven’t even had a minute to myself to write (letters or otherwise), think, or even just take a breather in a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

The rockstar lifestyle is hard to get used to… Hopefully, we budget more off days for future tours or I might go crazy.

To answer the question I know is on your minds: No. Nothing else happened with me and James, though he does actually sit down and talk to me now (even if it’s mostly work-related, I’ll take it). We toured all throughout most of the other states in the country, I’d write them all here but I lost track after Boston if I’m being honest. Though I do know that at one point we were in Phoenix, Arizona and Kendall accidentally said “Hello, Las Vegas!” to the entire stadium.

MSG was insane. Best venue I’ve ever been to, the best crowd we’ve ever had, and the second-best night of my life.

As I write to you now, we’re about to play our last show in Duluth, Minnesota, before our three-day journey home. I’ve got a bunch of silly string to prank the boys with on stage during their solo sets… They won’t even know what hit them!

My dad finally got to meet the guys, though I’m not sure he liked any of them but he was kind enough - but what father would like the four boys his daughter is best friends with? I have no idea why he keeps calling James “Jay” but whatever. After the show ended I snuck him out of the venue and showed him our buses, and trucks for stage set up, and let him meet Mick and Austin as well - Austin even performed his song for my dad… His first audience member!

Safe to say, he loved Austin’s number, but how he felt about everything else, he didn’t share on his face like normal. I like to think I’m pretty good at deciphering how my father feels at this point in my life, but he kept his expressions at bay as we walked around everything we had waiting for us outside. I hope it didn’t put him off or something, considering I know that being a musician was his dream, too. What he did say was: “You shared this bus with two boys?” and “Which guitars are you using, Honey Bun? You deserve only the best.”

Dads.

I also got to meet Logan and Carlos’ families! (Minus James’... I felt really bad for him that his parents weren’t there…) Logan’s moms were so sweet - overly doting on him, fixing up his outfit, practically smothering him with health facts and tips. I think one of his moms is a realtor, while the other is a doctor, which would explain Logan’s want to be a doctor himself. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s a pediatrician. She gave off the vibe she’d be amazing with kids. It must have been so wonderful to grow up in that household :)

Since I’d already met Carlos’ dad, Mr. Garcia was kind enough to introduce me to his wife and three daughters. Genetics work in mysterious ways, blessing each of the Garcia children with the same dark hair and alluring eyes. It was hard to tell sisters Maria, Lupe, and Alena apart, but after talking to them a bit I was able to find some differences. They all followed me on ScuttleButter, so maybe we’ll talk more in the future. I loved getting to know them! Mrs. Garcia and her son also share a lot of the same mannerisms - they’re both curious, caring, and just a bit ADHD. The two of them spent most of their time together with the girls, pointing out different things about the venue, sharing stories from their time away from each other, and the coolest part was their switching back and forth from English to Spanish depending on if they wanted their conversations to be overheard or not.

At one point I think they were talking about me (and James) but I can’t be sure. Maybe if I’d taken Spanish in school instead of French my freshman year…

I wish Mrs. Knight had been there, but Kendall and James kept themselves occupied by talking sports with my dad. For a bit, Dad and Kendall talked about guitars after mentioning that I was teaching him how to play, leaving James out of the loop, so I went over and struck up a conversation with him.

Normal. That’s what we are - or more accurately what our relationship is - though, I think he looks at me a bit differently now. There’s no evidence to that last statement, I just feel his eyes on me sometimes and it makes my chest flutter. I much prefer being friends (who made out) that are able to be around each other, than whatever his weird, “ignore Roxy” game was.

The show’s in 10, so we need to start walking to the stage!

I loved writing to you two, but I can’t wait to get back to talking face-to-face. I’m in dire need of a girl’s night.

See you soon (for real this time),

Roxy <3

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A little change of pace before season two! Thanks for reading :) Support for this story has been overwhelming!

Since school is starting back up, I'm going to be switching back to posting every two weeks instead of every week. <3 

Season two starts September 5th, but I'll do my best to post little one-shots and such on my tumblr, so check over there every once and a while :)