#the fact i won't get to marry this man tears me to shreds every day ╮༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽╭

[avakitsune]

Hi, it's time for vulnerability posting again, despite the fact that's all I'm doing rn. But whatever shhhh I need to whine and complain to get through all this stuff and actually it does help to just. Let it all out. And the person I want to talk to about everything is busy working, and so here I am, blabbering into the ether again.

HOWEVER ONLY 8 MORE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO MEET HIM IN PERSON SO YK THERES THAT

Today is probably one of the worst days of my life. I'm triggered and it's the nail in the coffin for any potential rekindling with my husband. And like, I know some of yall might be like, "really? The election?"

Imagine being married to someone you trust so little that your subconscious won't allow you to sleep if they're physically in your home. Imagine being married to someone who doesn't care if you live or die, so long as they get to have sex with you until you do. Imagine being married to someone who came inside you right after you had to terminate a pregnancy you wanted and he couldn't even wait 3 months to fuck you, and when you cried because you were scared? He said, "I have needs." And then remained married to him for 6 more years because this happened a month after your wedding. Imagine he's drunk all the time. Imagine he leaves you all alone. Imagine he lets you starve, chases you into the bathtub for crying, and blames you for your own illness because you failed to birth his child.

So yeah. The election makes it impossible for me to ever rekindle that flame. I'm over him. I don't want him.

But that's literally not even what I'm posting about???? Lmfao. Like forget all the sad bleh stuff. Wish tumblr posts had footnotes so that I could have put all that in the tags or smth but it's relevant.

I've had to go back and forth in my mind, feeling guilt over the new emotions that have started to grow for someone that actually really seems to see me as a person? Someone who seems to want to know who I am, other than just as a cute plaything—which I am. I care very much if he continues to like me, and I obsess over making sure not to be boring and not to seem aloof by being easily distracted.

Every conversation I have with him, every night I've spent just talking about anything, everything, and nothing at all with him has only made me feel more full and whole. I like how he makes me feel. I'm used to feeling unworthy, small, and bothersome. He doesn't make me feel that way; if anything, I feel that he goes out of his way a bit to make sure to say the right thing—because he wants to say the right thing, not because it's not on his heart. And that tears me to shreds, actually?

To think that someone, barely more than a stranger, can see straight down to my core like he can? And that he's not disgusted by what he sees? He's specifically told me that I'm a woman, not a little girl, and everyone around me has told me the opposite to keep me small. He's not afraid of me. And I don't want to walk away from a man who isn't the least bit intimidated by someone like me.

LOL ANYWAYS

TL;DR: I'm awake and autonomous for the first time in many years, and I'm finally meeting someone who seems like at the very least, makes me feel a sense of forward momentum for the first time since October of 2018.

I will be flooding my page with mini updates while he's here and posting about how cute he is because he is as adorable as he is intimidating. And I just...I don't feel guilty for this. Don't care if I should.

[zeroducks-2]

Do you think sladick could take a step further in the relationship and actually get married? I personally see them as some sort of toxic relationship so I don't think marriage would 100% work for them but I want to know your thoughts

I myself don't see Sladick as a toxic relationship, or better not necessarily. I have been mentioning this a couple of time in the past but to reiterate, my favorite thing about this ship is that their impeccable chemistry makes them work (in my book) with every kind of scenario. Partially quoting my answer to when I was asked Sladick for the ship ask game:

I love when Slade is abusive, but I also love when he takes better care of Dick than anyone else. I love when Dick does the sweetest most domestic things around Slade because he feels so safe. I love it when he spits blood and resentment in his face, realizing just how bad this man broke him. Slade can be a guardian angel to Dick, or he can be the reason why Dick is losing his sanity. Sometimes they're madly in love, sometimes it's just sex, sometimes Slade is a rapist and sometimes he'd tear to shreds anyone who dares touch his most precious little bird. Basically every Sladick dynamic you can think of works with me.

Going by this, it should be a given that in the right circumstances and if you tweak their personalities enough, they could indeed take the relationship "a step further" and get married, but here I contradict myself because I would really dislike that. Specifically I would dislike a strictly heteronormative, ring-around-the-finger monogamous relationship, especially if we're talking marriage in the old fashioned, traditional sense of the word.

It might be that my queer, polyamorous ass tends to dislike when marriage is used to show that indeed a relationship was "taken a step further"; I don't like the concept of marriage per se, or the history behind it, or how in narrative it tends to be the happily ever after for two people to show that now their relationship is "mature enough". And I ESPECIALLY dislike when marriage is used to sort of "prove" that two people are actually deeply on love - they have to be since they are married - nah fuck that.

So I guess my answer would be that if you want to craft a situation in which Slade and Dick are happily married, you have my blessing. At the end of the day there is nothing that "won't work" for a ship as long as you make it work - we can make everything work in transformative stuff, and if tomorrow I want to write Dick growing a second head there's nothing stopping me. But it's not going to be my cup of tea for sure. Both the marriage and Dick growing a second head.

(To be clear, when I say this I don't mean ALL the scenarios in which Slade and Dick are married, like of course a Royal/medieval AU or an Omegaverse AU would go by different societal standards and rules, giving a different meaning and context to marriage and similar kind of unions. I'm talking about mundane AUs - coffee shop or college or idk truck driver&gas stop clerk AUs - and canon universe situations, in which marriage exists as that specific kind of "symbol of the fact that we truly love each other" romantic trope. That's the hard no for me.)