#the expression on svin's face was difficult

[pan-gya]

“I just had a feeling like...a smell that was all over disappeared...”

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[cantillat-moved]

Me, dealing with insomnia at 3am: Waver got his wish during the Holy Grail War

Thanks, brain.

Let me elaborate:

Rider’s expression completely changed, staring at Waver with great interest. "Do you mean that there is an aspiration greater than wanting the world for a young man? That's interesting. Do tell me." Waver sneered, then, with all his courage, started speaking haughtily. "I... What I wish for, is only to be judged equitably. To renew the impression of my colleagues at the Clock Tower, who never acknowledged my talent―" Before he could finish speaking, an unequaled shock hit Waver. Roughly at the same time, he heard Rider roar in his loud voice "That's small!", but the shock and the roar were so equally strong that Waver couldn't tell the difference.

In the end, all that Waver wanted was respect. During his time as a magus, he was always looked down because of his status as a recent bloodline – a shallow blood. He was verbally humiliated in class, and his magic circuits could never compare to any of his classmates or let alone the teachers. Waver wanted to prove himself as a capable magus by winning the war, to accomplish something that six other magi failed to get --- no, that generations of magi failed in the three previous Holy War Grail. And he got the respect he wished so hard: Rider saw him not just as the “fledgling”, but as a friend. The King of Conquerors, one of the most remarkable historical figures and a very accomplished strategist in his own right, saw his potential. 

“I don’t have Command Seals any more! I don’t want to be a Master any more! Why do you still want to take me with you? I—“ “Whether you are or are not a Master, you are my friend, and that will never change.” Waver knew that these words, spoken along with the smile that was the same as always, had been spoken to him. In that instant, the hardest part of his heart crumbled—even though he had protected it with his life, only a moment was required to destroy it. The tears flooded like a spring unending from his eyes, mixing with snot as they flowed past his nose; he found it difficult to breathe, and even more difficult to make a sound. Even so, he still asked in a choked voice. “… I… someone like me… can… can I really… be by your side…?” “After going forth into battle with me so many times, why are you saying all this? You idiot.” As if listening to jokes at a banquet, the King of Conquerors poked fun at the youth’s tears. He slapped his thin, weak shoulders. “Aren’t you a real man who has faced enemies with me? So, you are a friend. Stick out your chest and stand shoulder to shoulder with me.”

We are all but specks of dust in this huge universe, our time lasting not longer than the blink of an eye in the bigger picture. I believe that the Okeanus that Rider sought was never the literal sea, but the infinite: to always struggle and keep on going forward, reaching for the unreachable. To awkwardly fight until we can’t anymore, only to get up and pick up where we left as long we still breathe. 

There would be no failure, there would be no disgrace; now he was with the King, and as long as one believed and continued to run forth on the despotic road, one would set foot, no matter how unreliable those feet, on the edge of the world—this he firmly believed

Waver still faced his powerlessness during his years after the war. He was dragged into his former teacher’s title and was forced to shoulder the responsibility – something that he agreed both out of sentimentalism and guilt, and because of the challenge. He’d never back down from the challenge, pressing forward no matter the cost. His students kept on surpassing him with alarming speed, cementing his talents as a teacher but also  reinforcing his inability as a magus – and it both gave him great pride and joy, but also enabled his self-depreciation. However, both Svin and Gray told him what he needed to hear.

"With that, my predecessor, Kayneth El-Melloi Archibald,was established as a child prodigy. And pushing all other factions aside, he reigned as a great Lord. That was likely because everyone had to admit the scenery that he'd been seeing was ideal for Mages. It's a scenery that I couldn't share to the end. Not once. I'm on the side of simply celebrating and sending out my students as usual." "Uh..." Gray interjected "I've been saved thanks to you! Because you'be brought me out of that village! I'm sure everyone appreciates you for all sorts of reasons. So...--" "Svin told me the same thing earlier." "uh?" "Perpetually a half-arsed Lord incapable of doing anything like his great predecessor...I still think that way about myself. But if all of you guys tell me what you do, maybe just a little bit..."

He earned the respect he craved so much. Not from the places he was looking for or expected, but from the people that truly love and appreciate him -- and that’s possibly a much better outcome than he could ever have hoped for.