#the dog is now Wade's therapy pet

[nokkomo]

Alternative ending: and they were NOT roommates y'all :(

I refuse to tell how much time I spent doing this

[stitch-n-time]

Can you explain how the US housing laws work? You have me interested

Short answer: they don’t.

Longer answer (because I have to work tonight and truly don’t have like 8 hours to write the thesis, because you bet your ass I could):

There is actually an internal structure that the low income housing system has been built around that makes it nearly impossible to navigate, difficult to get into, and specifically works against the people that it was supposedly built to help.

I’m actually not quite sure where to start with this, so it’s going to be all over the place and bouncing back and forth, but that’s also kind of on brand for the low income housing system.

The system as we know it is very much a post WWII thing, so the info here will be from after that point. A lot of this will be in kind of broad, sweeping terms. But since the US is like 60 different states in a trenchcoat trying to sneak into an R-rated movie, very little of it actually covers the entirety of the country. There are also state and city levels of bullshit that people have to wade through. Most people don’t make it.

I’m going to use my own experiences as an example. But know that my experiences are NOT typical. When I started down this rabbit hole, I was a 30-ish year old white woman, a part time student, presented as a professional female on a daily basis, had a fairly stable income from a job I had held for years, and a vehicle (though making payments). All of this put together meant I had it pretty easy.

Some of that caused problems, though. The vehicle was a problem. It was a newer model gently used vehicle. According to the dealership, the previous owner had traded it in because it was a manual transmission and they wanted an automatic. When I bought it, it had less than 60k miles on it and was in excellent condition. In the eyes of the people who approve the paperwork and rubber stamp applicants for low income housing, I could get rid of that vehicle, and the moneys spent on the payments and insurance could go toward housing. Which would be reasonable, except most of the US doesn’t have public transportation at all. What public transport does exist is sketchy, rarely runs on schedule, and often does not go into residential areas. I COULD have gotten rid of the car, but that would have meant a 2 mile hike to the nearest bus station, 4 hours on a bus to get to class and 5 hours on the return trip twice a week, then a 2 mile hike home OR a 2 mile hike to the nearest bus station, 4.5 hours on a bus, another 2 mile hike to get to work, and the same on the return. At that point, I would have been spending more time on the bus than either at work or school, and might as well just live on the damned thing, since all I would have time to do at home is shower and MAYBE eat a sandwich?

But that’s also typical. Part of the laws as they are written specifically state that a person or household can not own physical properties that are over a certain value, because those properties could be sold in order to elevate the person/family’s lifestyle. That also makes household absolutely reliant on public transportation, which is simply not available in many poor areas.

Which goes into redlining, and systemic racism, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

The fact that I was a student also worked against me. If a person can afford to go to school, they can afford housing. So why would you want/need help from the government? I’m just thankful that I was a part time student when the need for low income housing arose… If you’re a full time student, you are automatically denied on any application for low income housing. There are different legal designations for “low income housing” and “student housing”. They can not exist in the same housing complex for legal reasons. So if I had been taking one more class that semester, I would have been denied, and would have been homeless.

That in itself doesn’t sound terrible. And there’s reasons for the legal differences. But think about it… What if I had been in the last semester of school and something had happened? What about the people who are both enrolled in school and are working, trying to make ends meet, trying to be able to do something better, and either their lease is up or they get evicted or… I don’t know… their house burns down or a tornado hits or suddenly medical bills? If a person fills out that paperwork while still a student, even if they say “I’m graduating next month and want to move in the month after that” they still count as a full time student and would get denied. Which means leaving school and being spit out into the post graduate world probably without a job, while being denied help with keeping a roof over their head, when it’s absolutely necessary to have a physical address while searching for a job.

Which goes into the anti-homeless way of thinking, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

I’m going to lump the “fairly stable income from a job I had held for years” and “presented as a professional female on a daily basis” into one, because they are directly related. I had worked my way through a trade school, and had been working in the medical field for nearly 4 years. The practice was open 4 days a week. I was there 2 days, the male counterpoint was there the other 2 days. If a client preferred one of us over the other, either they scheduled appropriately, or the doctor asked us to come in for that client’s appointment time. Because a large portion of the clientele were middle aged and older, as well as conservative, the dress code reflected accordingly. Since I actually REALLY liked the job, and the doctor and his family were pretty awesome people, I dressed and styled accordingly, on a daily basis. But because the number of hours on the clock varied with the number of clients scheduled for therapy appointments, there were times when those paychecks got mighty thin. There were absolutely trends of busy seasons and light seasons. Sometimes during that light season there were days when I would go to work for a couple of hours, go home until about 3PM, then go back for 2 or 3 hours. It was hard to pin that down.

Having to explain that I could not pinpoint an amount of annual income with any accuracy while filling out the application worked against me. And just about anybody who works in retail, food service, etc. - all the jobs that people with low incomes tend to have – will tell you that they suffer the same thing. Go  into work, put in a couple of hours, and have the manager come tell you to go home because it’s not busy enough to justify having people on the clock. But without having an accurate estimation of annual income (that could be verified by their calling your employer) means that the application is denied. The general consensus is that if you can’t pinpoint your annual income, then you’re lieing on the application, which means you’re untrustworthy, and therefore don’t deserve to get the help you need to keep a roof over your head.

That conservative professional look helped me here, though. I went into the office dressed well, in khakis and a nice blouse, to fill out the application and speak to the people. While I was there, another lady came in to fill out an application. This is somebody who I happened to know personally. She was also a professional, who was arguably in a slightly better place than I was because her income did not fluctuate (though it was low, as she was recovering from a divorce and most of the family income had come from her ex husband), but she was “dressed down” in shorts and a t shirt. We made the same arguments. I ended up in an apartment, and she did not.

Honestly, I was actually lucky to get into an apartment. A lot of people don’t realize it, but even with things being classified as low income housing, it takes a LOT of money to get into places. Just like every other rental in the US, before you move in, you have to pay the first month’s rent. And a deposit. And if you have pets, another deposit. And the cost of having the electricity and water turned on. And depending on the specific details of the contract you have to sign, possibly trash pickup. And if you want internet, either you pay for that and get a modem through the ISP, or you pay extra on signing the lease. And if you want to do your laundry in your home (if there’s even a hookup), there’s an extra rental fee for a washer and dryer, unless you bring your own.

I got lucky. When I applied and was approved, this particular housing development was running a “special” - if you sign a lease, you get one month rent free to use within 12 months of signing. I had to use it immediately. With all the extra fees and everything else, I could either pay for the rent OR the deposit, but not both – so I paid the deposit and laughingly told them I’d like to use that free month on the first month, immediately, right now, please and thank you, now where’s my key? They almost turned me away at that point.

I honestly believe that if it hadn’t been for my professional clothing and the fact that I could point to a couple of scabs on my face, that I would have been denied at that point. (The scabs were from a dog. I had been renting a room from a “friend” who is no longer a friend. Her dog bit my face, and instead of punishing the dog, she decided I needed to move out that weekend. Note: this is literally the ONLY time I’ve had a dog bite me, despite having been around them most of my life, and this particular dog had snapped at multiple people before.)

Which goes into classism, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

Now the thing that has been on my last nerve for a few years now is a good one. The laws state that if your household changes in any way, you have to fill out the application again. Doesn’t matter if you literally got approved the day before: you fill it out again. Because there have been household changes. It doesn’t sound terrible at all, but I know somebody who got evicted from low income housing and ended up homeless because his wife left. Suddenly the household size was smaller, but had the same income, and it was over the limit for the household size. Sorry not sorry you have to go. I know somebody who was evicted for “falsified paperwork” because she had a baby and was in the hospital for 2 weeks, so didn’t get the paperwork in on time. They ended up in a homeless shelter (in this city, homeless shelters are more expensive than a lot of low income housing). Now she’s in debt that she’ll probably never get out of, due to that.

What’s more is that the eligibility requirements to be able to pass those income thresholds change constantly. Out of curiosity, I tracked the changes over the course of a year. Just checking on the first of the month. In a single year, the income requirements changed 10 times. It’s not easy to keep track of, and there’s not much reason to track it unless it’s literally part of your job, in order to keep in compliance with the laws.

My own personal gripe is much less severe than that. I can’t get married. Technically, my fiance can’t live with me. On paper, he lives with his parents, miles away. But he spends most of his time in my apartment, which is under my name only, because I’m disabled (but ineligible for disability) and need his help. We’ve been together for a decade. We’ve been engaged for over 5 years. But if we get married, then the household changes, and we have to fill out the paperwork and get approved again. The thing is: if we put together our incomes into one “household” income, we would never be eligible for low income housing. Which means we would have to move out.

Moving out comes with it’s own difficulties. Because of the paperwork you have to sign to lease low income housing – and depending on where you are because 60 states in a trenchcoat – there are hoops to jump through. The lease in this particular development,  you get a choice. If you break the lease you either a) pay the full amount of rent on the apartment through the end of the lease term or b) pay two months’ rent on the apartment after termination of the lease. So not only would we have to find other housing that we could afford (with all of the move in fees, deposits, transfer of service fees for utilities, bla bla bla), we would also have to pay 2 months’ rent on top of everything else. Which means either borrowing literally thousands of dollars from an individual – banks won’t do loans for this – or having to decide which bills get paid and which don’t while surviving off of ramen noodles for months at a time. Which… uh… would not work well with the man-thing’s diabetes.

Which all goes into respectability politics, and deciding whether or not poor people deserve to have stability and emotional fulfillment, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

Now this may sound like a whole lot of personal whining. And it kind of is. But I can’t speak for anybody else. This is my personal interactions with these people and with the laws behind their behavior. But it’s the laws themselves that are written to be exclusive of the people that need help the most.

Homeless people can not apply, because they don’t have a current address.

Unemployed people can not apply, because they don’t have an income.

Full time students can not apply, because of the legal definitions of the different types of housing.

People with “disposable” property (such as cars) are often denied because they could turn those assets into monies.

People who rely on that “disposable” property for work are unable to take advantage of low income housing due to the above.

People of color who have been relegated to specific neighborhoods where public transportation is not available due to the redlining of the last century are unable to take advantage of low income housing due to the above.

People who do not have thousands of dollars readily available are denied because they can not pay both the deposit and rent.

People who face employment discrimination (even though it’s illegal) are denied because they can not provide proof of steady income.

People who have bounced from employer to employer are often denied for the same reason.

People who have successfully gained low income housing are often unable to change anything about their household.

People who have successfully gained low income housing are often unable to get out of it if their situation improves.

All of it is written into the laws surrounding the housing itself.

So…. Yeah. It doesn’t work. But if you want me to actually get into the nitty gritty, I can start actually researching. But somebody’s gotta pay me for it.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

Distraction Is The Key! (My MtF-H.R.T. Journey)

HOMESICK

     The first time I’ve ever dealt with homesickness was when I went to collage. I completely skipped community collage and went into university to seek my degree in science and felt the sting of being separated from my family. I remember them helping me move into my dorm and when everyone was done...they walked away...leaving me in the window watching as they disappeared out of sight. That night, I never slept, I was too wound up to place my mind into sleep induced hypnosis.

     For the first week, I felt lost, confused, unsure, unclear, perplexed, disconnected, isolated, distanced away from all that I knew. I was living with complete and total strangers as I spent hours in my room pacing back-and-forward like a caged wolf at a community zoo. It took almost a month to get over the sickness.

     It certainly did feel like a sickness too! I could not eat for a few days, then when I did eat, it was the wrong food. I felt weighted down, depressed as each step felt like a thousand pounds. Slowly, my sleep caught up to me as I accumulated a serious sleep-debt!

     I was homesick and by week two, I found myself walking the whole campus’s perimeter each day, going off trail to climb the loose earth and weeding the flowerbeds to distract my mind. It is easy to distract yourself when you can escape the house, however, it isn’t so easy when you are trapped inside.

     The worst homesickness I’ve ever felt was when I was very young and I was very sick. I was hospitalized and when the night came, my family left, even with me begging them to stay...isolated to my room, isolated to my bed...the only way to escape the homesickness was to sleep...but when you are homesick, sleep isn’t that easy and time seems to go by slowly!

LEAVING CERTAINTY 

      Most people my age have already went through the process of leaving home for a life of their own; either tired of following their parents rules or falling in love with another and forming their own family. I, however, like most of my generation are remaining at home...mooching off our parents to get along...that wasn’t my life! I was expected to remain as I was the only male member of your family and it was my duty to maintain the house and property and take care of my family. This is quite common in Asian countries, but not in America.

     However, my transgender nature has made living at home dangerous as my family are continuously waging a verbal war against the LGBT...and me...without knowing it. However, with no finical security, inability to work, and battling a terminal illness...my life will always require me to piggyback off of another to survive and I’ve learned to make myself useful.

     The moment has finally come; the moment I leave my old life behind and move onward to a new life. I sadly feel bad for my biological family: They shall never experience the unconditional love that I have...or be truly free of the social binds that hold them down.

     However, there is fear...I am leaving certainty...a life that I’ve built in the last 25 years for a life that has no certainty. Who knows, in two years, my new family might tell me to move on. It is a risky gamble, but at this moment, at the cusp of my transformation...I have to leave.

EXPECTATIONS & DISTRACTIONS

     I am already expecting that the first two months of my new life will be a wild roller-coaster of emotions. I will be constantly trying to find my niche in the family that I can bud from and blossom my new life. I know that the soils are fertile as there is always love and caring. I feel...secure there...knowing that if I can’t breathe, they won’t question me or shun me. Actually, it is the exact opposite, they would feel hurt if I did not let them into my life.

     This is why I think the homesickness will only last for two months and as the warm summer months approach, I will find ways to distract myself from feeling blue.

Writing: Ever since junior high, I have always been writing. Clearing my head of distracting thought. Composing research and writing works of fiction, science fiction and fantasy. At home, my writing is frown upon as I am expected to be outside working when I should not. At my new home, the focus is that I stay inside to safeguard my health as the end goal as a bilateral lung transplant.

Gardening: At home, I am in-charge of all the gardening and farming that my grandfather once did. However, I don’t wish to make a business out of it and would like to tend to my own flowers, vegetable and fruit-bearing plants. A garden is like a child, it need constant care or it will die.

Sound-Technology: At one time, one of my paths could have sent me to Oregon to seek a career in sound-technology. I was very good at my job in high school...learning techniques to make the worse singers sound like gold. Luckily, my new family are singers, musicians and performers...and I expect they will have the same expectations for me once I am adopted as every child is expected to perform somehow in the group. The one area that they need help is sound technology...and if I can become good once more...I will have an opportunity to re-join a band.

Cystic Fibrosis Advocate: Ever since 2015, my whole life has been set on the path to fight and advocate cystic fibrosis. Personally, I feel indebted to paying a life for a life. I should have died back in 2015, but because of Amanda Carlene’s compassion to see that I got on the correct path...she saved my life when I was infected with an aggressive strain of aspergillus. Oddly, this was the same time my desire to correct my gender flourished...contesting to what many say...I am Amanda’s legacy. This is why I dedicated my middle name to Amanda, calling myself Mira Carlene.

Beautification Of My Home: The place that will become my home certainly needs to be cleaned up. Much has been done to the place! When Mitch and Michelle first rented the property, the house was a disaster, filled with animal excrement, fleas and garbage. With the house livable once more, the property has been neglected as they are too tired to attend to the 8 acres of land. In my two years of coming over, I have greatly improved the property beyond measure and have plans to beautify the lands for our guests as Mitch has plans to build a camp...if he can only win the lottery.

Damming The Creek: Almost 60 feet down into a ravine runs a creek that I want to dam and form a pond. I have a love of water and bodies of water as a Scorpio! Back in 2018, when our pump-house fail...we were in bad need for water. I had envisioned creating a shallow pond for collecting water, creating a water fall and giving our dog, Chance, a place to wade before he died. Damming the creek is still my pet project...including building a trail system for the family to hike and to open access to the upper canyon.

Turning The Barn Into A Workshop With a Garden: Although I don’t see a garden happening this year, (as there is much work needed to be done!), but I need to organize and clean up the mess that is called the barn. When the family moved from Key Center to Victor, whatever could not fit in the house now lays in the barn. There are four stalls (once used for horses) that can be turned into four workstations: One as our tool shop, one for allowing Mitch to return to making rock art, one for storage and one for gardening. I’ve already bought LED lights to brighten the barn up as it is pretty dark in there!

Re-purpose The Chicken Coup: Into what...I don’t know...but I am thinking storage and a tool-shop.

Being A Daughter To The Children: One of the things I could never have is children...and the opportunity to step into the role of Big-Sister for the children has already happened as I am learning to get comfortable with them and teaching the youngest son all my skills...as my grandfather taught me.

Re-Focusing On Mira: All my life, I’ve been dedicated to focusing on others, letting myself go; neglecting my therapy and doing things my doctors frown upon. When the whole transgender thing out of the way, and having their blessings, I am free to re-focus on being just Mira.

Renewing My Faith: With a new start, I also want to rekindle my faith. I have been following Mitch and Michelle to their church; and while it is nice to sit with the ones who love you, I just have not settled into the faith of a baptist. I was raised Lutheran and probably die a Lutheran. I have been to all types of domination including: Baptist, Episcopalian, Jehovah Witness, Catholic, Masonic, Lutheran and New Age faiths...each one different. I’ve even read the Hebrew Torah and the Islamic Qurʾan. I found religion and faith intriguing, and being so close to death...desirable. At this moment, there are two Lutheran churches I am thinking of visiting: North Bay Lutheran in Allyn and Christ Lutheran in Belfair, however, North Bay is closes to where I live.

Going Through The Preceding’s: The process of having a full name change is somewhat...complicated! Most transgender individuals will decide to change their first name, some will drop their middle man if it does not suit their genders, and rarely change their last name. I will be going for a full legal name change...which is only half the battle! If approved, then you need to contact the SSD, DVM, Banks, Creditors and Debtors, Clinics, Insurance Companies for Medical and Car, and then the non-vital departments and stores like Costco, Bi-Mart or even the CFF! I’ve been down this road once before, when I was 18, and looks like I will be doing it again. At this moment, I am already using the name of Mira with my closes friends and will change all my social media platforms to Mira Carlene in May.

Continue The Foundation: The ability to continue the foundation has been my biggest goal since I’ve came into my new family’s life. Before I contacted them, I wasn’t aware that they were almost not going to do the CFF Walk, which they have done in memory of Amanda and Jessica who both passed away from cystic fibrosis. I was the sign they were asking for, and I did not want that type of attention, so I remained distant, but also needed to ‘know’ them. They were special to me, even though we only meet twice. Sadly, the foundation had fallen into ruins long before I came into the picture. The people who help start the foundation were the same ones who sank it...it was tragic!

In 2018, Michelle approached me about taking over the foundation as it found a new reason to exist and was willing to donate proceeds to me, but I turned it down. In 2019, the foundation had just turned seven years old...seven years since Amanda passed away...and I had been considering restarting the foundation. I was focusing on holiday craft shows and events to sell and raise awareness. 

Take for example, just last year, over 80,000 people attended the Kitsap County Fair, which means 40,000 people would see our booth, and even if they did not buy a thing, they will leave with those two words in their memory: Cystic Fibrosis. Amanda was all about advocacy when I knew her and now that was my reality. Ironically, I am fulfilling both of their memories and promises to their father.