#the coke was the first thing I was actually able to retain today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nohoney · 4 years

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You and Me (And Him)

notes: Part 2 of the Us Series, also posted on my ao3

characters: Dabi/Touya Todoroki, Takami Keigo/Hawks

warnings: 18+, drug use, toxic relationships, open relationships, angsty-ish, threesome

summary:

“If this happens… will it be just sex or will it be more?”

Golden eyes stare back at you. “It can be whatever you want it to be (Name).”

You scrutinize him under your gaze for a little bit, silent for a few moments before asking, “Will you kiss me?”

“Of course.”

Touya had introduced you to Keigo when your relationship was just two months old. You remember being astounded by his eyes at first, they were so bright and friendly as opposed to Touya’s which were piercing and intimidating. Keigo was such an easy going guy, his manner of speaking and his certain lilts when he talked made you feel comfortable immediately despite how nervous you were at first. He fit easily into your life, a friend that you knew you could rely on for almost anything.

Where Touya was apathetic and aloof, Keigo was magnetic and charming.

It was a wonder how those two got along, you had to figure that the ‘opposites attract’ concept worked out for them. You’re not certain what the turning point was in their relationship that Keigo received permission to address Touya by his birth name, but obviously it meant a lot to your boyfriend and Keigo seemed touch to be apart of his inner circle. Aside from pills they ingested and the powders they snorted that bonded them together, they had a genuine friendship.

It goes to say that Touya and Keigo are close, and they’re close enough where apparently there’s an option of sharing you between the two of them.

“I gave you permission to fuck who you want doll, Keigo is not the worst person you could choose. In fact, I’d like it if he were the one to keep you warm for me.”

You liked to believe that you and Keigo had a strictly platonic friendship, but Touya had essentially ruined that perspective for you now.

Had Keigo always felt that way from the very start or was it gradual during your budding friendship? Did he want to be your second boyfriend or was he looking for something a little more casual?

Those were all important questions but there was one that you needed answered first before you did anything with Keigo.

You were working up the nerve to ask Touya this ever since that day when he fucked you while Keigo was right beside you. He sat on the edge of his couch with his laptop on the coffee table, reading over an article needed for one of his classes. Drug dealer aside, he was actually a good student, breezing through his classes easily. Though you know that the only reason why he would finish up so quickly was so that it wouldn’t interfere as much with his dealing. As opposed to Keigo who liked to sit down and really make sure that he retained the knowledge.

“Touya, can I ask you something?” you ask from your end of the couch, shifting your feet towards Touya until they were on his lap. He props your feet in his lap and he strokes his hands over your shins and calves, his expression bored but attentive as he turns to look at you. “That thing you said before about Keigo wanting to… do stuff with me. You weren’t just saying that so that I’d bother you less when you go out right?”

When you go out and sell to your whores. You want to add that part but you know it’s best not to bring it up; you’ve already had this conversation with him and it’s too soon to open it back up again.

“I said it because I know that Keigo will treat you right doll. I trust him and I know that he’d be good to you.” Touya answers honestly.

“You’re good to me.” you tease, lightly nudging your foot up into his hand.

Touya smirks at you and crawls his way over to your side of the sofa. He moves to make you sit on his lap, your legs straddling him as he leans back against the sofa. Your hands touch his shoulders before drawing down, your index fingers tracing his chest beneath the white, sleeveless shirt that he’s wearing. “I’m fucking great to you doll. I’m so fucking great to you that I wouldn’t mind if you fucked my closest friend.”

You grind down on Touya’s lap, his cock stirring beneath the dark sweats that he’s wearing and moan when he thrusts up into you. Ghosting your lips over his, you tease him just a little bit when he tries to go in for a kiss and pull back with a giggle. Touya isn’t having it though, putting his hand on the back of your neck and keeping you in place so that he can go in for a proper kiss. You like when he asserts himself like this over you and renders you helpless before him, it gets you going. “I wouldn’t mind if you fucked me right now baby.” you purr.

The discussion is tabled for now as you ride Touya’s cock and he leaves you a shaking mess afterwards.

Keigo comes to the Touya’s apartment later on during the week. You walk in after finishing up at your part time job to see them splitting an eightball between the two of them at the dinner table. You’d never done more than a gram of coke before and even then you usually split up that gram with one another person. “Geez, what’s the special occasion?” you ask as you set your purse down and shrug off your sweater.

“Nothing in particular, just thought of relaxing today.” Touya answers as if it’s the normal thing in the world. Relaxing with a six pack of beers with the boys, that’s normal; relaxing with an eightball of cocaine with the boys, that’s not.

But this is your life with Touya as your boyfriend and as long as he or Keigo don’t overdose on you, then everything should be fine. You know that this definitely is not their first time and you once again remind yourself about the gap between you and the boys.

“Dove, do you want a line?” Keigo asks as he uses a credit card to cut three white lines on the surface of one of the dinner plates. You don’t think it’s really a question because he pretty much made a third one anyway for you to take. He’s waving you over, an expectant smile on his face that you can’t bring yourself to say no to. Instead of sitting in the chair next to him, Keigo pulls you onto his lap instead and hands you a rolled up bill.

Just one line. you think to yourself as you inhale the powder through the bill.

That one line ends up becoming ten instead, very measly compared to the boys but considered a lot for yourself.

Touya and Keigo pretty much polish off the rest of the eightball and talk amongst themselves at the dining table still while you moved yourself over to the couch. Laying on your stomach and facing away from the boys, you idly scroll through your social media on your phone to keep yourself entertained. Your brain is a little wired so you’re just waiting for the coke to pass through your system and then you can sleep properly. From behind, a hand goes underneath your shirt and slowly smooths up your spine. It feels pleasant and your body shudders in response, pushing back against the hand as a silent beg for more. You’re surprised that Touya is massaging you, most of the time he tends to just skim the tips of his fingers all over your back until you fall asleep. Deft fingers press into the right spots on your back and you can’t help but let out a quiet moan along with a whined out, “Thank you baby.”

“You’re welcome dove.”

You turn back to see that Keigo had been the one massaging you while Touya just remained at the table, watching from his seat with eyes full of mirth and a grin to match.

How blatant of the both of them.

And that’s only the beginning.

Every instance Keigo is in your presence, he begins to invade your personal space more often and pushes the boundaries of your friendship into something more. Touches to your waist or the small of your back, quick pecks to your cheek or your lips, sometimes putting his hand on your thigh, even his pet names become a little more affectionate like little dove or songbird. It doesn’t make you uncomfortable per se but you’ve yet to really come to a conclusion about what you want to do about him.

You know that if you don’t say anything about it, if you don’t verbalize a ‘no’ or ‘stop’, Keigo’s just going to keep on going. After all, if you don’t stop one's actions they assume that it’s okay to keep on going and possibly to do more.

It appears that Touya’s getting a little impatient with your inaction, confronting you about it after fucking in the backseat of his car one day.

“So are you going to let Keigo smash or what (Name)?”

“I… don’t know. You and me and him, don't you think it will be weird?”

"Only if you make it weird."

You lay naked together rather comfortably despite the small space, your cheek resting against his chest where his heart is beating so close to your ear while he’s petting your head. It’s quiet between the two of you, just trying to catch your breath before having to get dressed and dropped off to your own bed. You want to be in Touya’s bed or have him sleep in yours, but he has a drop off to replenish his inventory later on and wants you where he knows you’re safe. It’s sweet how he doesn’t risk you like that, he only allows you to know so much. Maybe that’s part of the reason why he’s pushing Keigo onto you, to keep an eye on you when he’s not able to.

Touya loves having you in his sights, doesn’t like when you stray too far from him, even if he doesn’t show it on his face. You know by his tells, squeezed just a little too tight in a hug or the constant question he asks just right before you leave ‘are you sure?’ or the way his jaw clenches just a smidge too tight when you want to sleep in your own bed instead of his.

He pats the back of your head twice to let you know to get up.

Touya’s quicker to get dressed and you move to the side so that he can crawl to the driver’s side first. You’re still pulling on your pants when you feel his large hand wrap around your bicep to get your attention. “Baby?”

“If you don’t want to do anything with Keigo, that’s fine (Name). The least you can do is to tell him to stop flirting if you’re not interested though.” Touya tells you, a hint of irritation behind his tone. You don’t get to say anything else as he crawls to get to the driver’s seat and starts up the car. “Come on, I can’t be late.”

You sleep alone in your bed that night, thinking about you and Keigo and Touya.

A few more days pass before you finally give an answer.

Touya holds you from behind, his arm curled around your waist and his face nuzzled against the back of your head, he’s resting in your bed peacefully after a long night of being up. It’s getting close to noon and you’ve pretty much skipped your classes for the day because his hold on you is iron tight. He’s still fast asleep but you’re wide awake and desperate to use the bathroom to pee so you try to wriggle out of his hold. The movement disgruntles Touya but he releases you to flop on his back to continue sleeping.

You relieve yourself and wash your hands in the sink, glancing up at the mirror to check your complexion briefly before walking back into your room. Touya always looks most peaceful when he’s asleep, not like the bored expression he’s always sporting on his face whenever he’s out in public. You get back in the bed, not with the intention to sleep more, but you just want to be close to your boyfriend just a little bit longer. Reaching a hand out to massage his scalp, your fingers are brushing through his hair and he groans under your touch. You hold in a giggle as Touya sticks his hand down his boxer briefs, just letting his hand rest on his soft cock and doing nothing else but continuing to sleep.

“Touya? Touya, it’s almost noon.” you call out to him.

“… Doll.” he grunts out, slightly annoyed at being woken up.

“You want something to eat? You hungry?”

Touya just dismissively waves his other hand at you, the one that’s not shoved into his underwear.

“Okay, I’ll just make something so that you can have the leftovers later on and I want to have a proper threesome with Keigo.” The last part you just quickly blurted out to get it out of the way.

There… said it, finally told him what I want to do.

He’s silent for a few seconds before he opens his eyes to look at you. “It can just be you and him doll, I’m not making it a requirement for me to be there.”

“I know but I was thinking about it and I think I just want to officially induct Keigo by having a proper threesome.”

Touya pulls his hand out from his underwear and pats his thigh, signaling you to come sit on his lap. He puts his hands on your hips as you sit on his cock, his thumbs teasing the hem of your panties and has you grinding slightly on him. “You want Keigo to stuff your mouth while I drill this slutty pussy? Or I can fuck your face instead and he can go balls deep in you? How about double penetration? You love it when I play with your ass while I fuck up your pussy with my cock. I think it’d be nice to cream you in both of your holes. Or maybe we’ll just cum on your sexy body together. Last time he came on your tits, you have no idea how wild that drove him.”

“Okay, you sound way more excited for it than I am.” you laugh as you take Touya’s hands off your hips and lace your fingers together. “But yeah, I want to do this… with Keigo.”

“Alright doll but you have to be the one to tell him.”

And so you do later on that day, Touya smacks your ass on the way out of his apartment as you go to meet up with Keigo. He gives you a shit eating grin as he watches you walk away, proud that he can see the slight limp in your step.

So you sit with Keigo at a booth in back inside a cafe as he tells you about his week; he’s always busy in between his classes, completing his lab work, studying and tutoring. You’ve realized very early on that he likes to be a busy person, he likes keeps his scheduled jam packed sometimes. Yet he handles the load of all his responsibilities with ease, like he’s barely trying and that it’s as easy as hanging up a shirt and moving onto the next. You’re certain that if you even attempted to imitate his lifestyle that you wouldn’t be able to handle it as well and just burn out.

It could be the Adderall that Touya supplied to Keigo that helped him sometimes, but even without it he still held himself together rather well.

You’re trying to find the right way to tell Keigo, wondering what’s a smooth transition into telling him-

“Let’s have another threesome.”

Way to be fucking smooth!

Keigo was in the middle of telling you about this plant nursery he thought you’d like when you interrupted him. His golden eyes are set wide in surprise, as if someone had put him on pause and he’s waiting to be set right again. He’s still for a few seconds when he finally blinks and looks at you.

Golden eyes just stare at you and you’re squirming under his gaze.

Maybe I waited too long and he’s not interested anymore?

“Aw dove, you realize how cute you look right now? You’re like a shy schoolgirl asking to hold hands for the very first time.” Keigo coos at you, leaning his cheek into the palm of his hand and smiling. “You sure you want to? I’m also okay if you want nothing to change between us, I love being your friend.”

“A friend who wants to fuck you.” You remember Touya’s words from that time.

You nod your head and reach for his hand to take it in yours. “I just have to know something. I already asked Touya but I need to hear this from the only person I know that probably knows him the best. You’ll be honest with me, won’t you?”

Keigo’s hands are warm as he gives you a reassuring squeeze. “Of course (Name).”

“It’s just, you know, the whole thing with Touya and the other girls that he does his business with… I’m not accepting it still, I guess I’m just letting it happen because he insists that I’m the only one that gets all this special treatment from and I’m believing him for the time being. I just wanted it to be me and him, just us, and now there’s you. I just need to know that he’s not proposing us, this arrangement, so that I’ll harass him less when he goes to see them.”

Despite the arrangement of bringing Keigo in, no matter what your relationship with Touya comes first. It still bothers you when he goes out to the others and you do your best to not let your jealously show, there’s no point in having consistent arguments about it. But you can’t help the paranoia in your heart that he only proposed this so that you don’t have a reason to bother him. As long as you have someone else to sleep with then Touya can continue doing what he’s doing, that’s what you think.

Keigo sighs as he holds your hands in his, his thumb gently rubbing over your knuckles. “Don’t tell him that I told you this but there used to be more girls before you came along.”

Your jaw clenches.

“How many of them do you know of at the moment?” Keigo asks.

“Three or four I think.” you answer.

“It used to be eight. After he met you, he pretty much cut that list down to half.”

Your heart twists at the truth but it still changes nothing. “So I’m supposed to feel grateful that he liked me enough to only keep half the whores he still wants to fuck? He says that I’m his number one but what happens when he ends up liking whore #4 more? Am I just going to get bumped down the list? Am I just whore #1 for the time being?”

Keigo scratches the back of his head and seems a bit reluctant all of a sudden but he continues to speak to ease your doubts. “It’s not like that dove, it really isn’t. Touya’s never been the best with confronting his feelings but I see how he cares for you. I know to you it seems like he still has whores he wants to hang onto, but in reality he’s been slowly letting go so that he can focus on you. I can’t tell you when the others will be gone but all I know is that you’re his priority. This is new for Touya, he’s never had a real relationship before you. All he’s ever had is just a casual thing—hell the girls that he’s sold to, you can’t even call it casual, it’s just-”

“Business.” Touya’s used that word plenty of times.

You already had a feeling that he had commitment issues, it’s obvious in the way he keeps you around but still sees the others.

“I remember how upset Touya was when you left that one time to sleep with someone else because you were angry at him. I’d never seen him get so upset over anyone else (Name), it’s just been you. The feelings he has for you, it's intense.”

“My question still isn’t answered Keigo: does Touya only want this to happen so that I’ll bother him less when he goes out? Like it’s okay for him to go out and get his dick wet, struggling with whatever feelings he has for us, while I’m wetting yours? Is it just easier for him knowing a friend is plowing me instead of a stranger? It just all seems so convenient for him.”

Keigo’s posture stiffens a little bit. “He knows that he’s the one who proposed it but he didn’t want to backtrack and change his mind once he realized that you shouldn’t be a random whore for someone else to use as they please… ironic coming from the guy that uses random whores as he pleases. He feels you only deserve to get fucked by people who love you, those were his words.”

“I trust him and I know he’d be good to you.”

Whoa… love? No one said anything about love.

Touya tells you how much he loves your pussy, he’s never said himself that he loves you. And Keigo? He just said not too long about that he loves being your friend…

“Wait, did Touya actually say that he loves me? What kind of love are we talking about?”

Keigo’s golden eyes briefly widen in surprise before realizing that he might have said too much, speaking of things that Touya told him he wasn’t ready to talk about with you just yet. “I… shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that… uh fuck I can’t really speak for Touya.” Keigo curses and takes his hand back, scrunching his hand in his blond hair and looks down in embarrassment. “He’s going to kill me.”

What happened to just proposing a simple threesome? You didn’t realize that all these feelings were going to be involved when you were going to talk to him today.

“Keigo, you are being honest with me though right? You’re not lying?”

Golden eyes look up at you, full of conviction. “I could never lie to you (Name).”

You hate that Touya still sees his other whores, he sells to them and fucks them. It didn’t matter that it’s been impersonal this entire time with the others, it just hurt that you couldn’t have all of him. And yet Keigo’s admission had just changed everything, all with just one four letter word, that apparently Touya was more wrapped around your finger than you thought. The situation itself is still twisted but you’re not trying to escape it. Instead you sink deeper and deeper into it.

"Did Touya say he loves me?" you ask, not surprised that your question is met with silence. It's clear that Keigo wasn't supposed to mention that to you at all. "Do you believe what he said? That I should only be fucked by people who love me? Do you love me Keigo and is that love the same as Touya's?"

His eyes betray nothing, now set on remaining mum when it comes to this topic it seems. His silence is an answer in of itself, though it's not exactly a clear one. You won't waste anymore time asking these questions, you set out here with a mission. “If this happens… will it be just sex or will it be more?”

Golden eyes stare back at you. “It can be whatever you want it to be (Name).”

You scrutinize him under your gaze for a little bit, silent for a few moments before asking, “Will you kiss me?”

“Of course.”

The kiss is nothing like the one at the house party when the two of you were rolling on ecstasy. There’s no enhanced euphoria to make it better or any other substance to get in the way of what it is; just a tender, chaste kiss. Luckily you two are seated in the back so there’s no one around to witness this, not like at the house party with so many people around. Even when you pull back, Keigo still leans forward to pepper your face with little pecks here and there.

You’re leading Keigo by the hand back to Touya’s place, the door already unlocked for you since you know he wasn’t going out today anyway. He’s emerging from his bedroom and grins at you when he sees you holding Keigo’s hand. A knowing grin comes onto his face as he leans against the wall, looking you up and down.

“Uh where should we do this?” you ask, squeezing Keigo’s hand and shifting your weight from one leg to the other in nervousness.

Touya approaches you and kisses your forehead before taking your other hand in his own. “Well what’s a place to have a ‘proper threesome’ doll? Just the bedroom? Last time we fucked on a couch so I think it’ll do just fine this time as well.”

“A proper threesome? Is that what you called it songbird? That’s so cute.” Keigo laughs and nuzzles his head against yours. “Though I can’t disagree, I didn’t really do anything to you.”

“Hey, I offered at the time and you said no.” Touya banters with Keigo as he leads you to the couch, having you sit down on it first. “You can’t really say that you weren’t given a chance.”

Keigo simply shrugs his shoulders in response before looking down at you. You sit way too stiff on the couch, back as straight as an arrow and your brows crinkled with your hands clasped tightly in your lap. He reaches a hand towards you and pats the top of your head, the tips of his fingers lightly brushing against your scalp and massaging to get you to relax. He thinks how cute you are, acting like as if he hadn’t already seen you naked and what you look like when you’re getting railed. He’s just excited to be able to play with you with his own hands this time, manipulating your pleasures to his own tastes while coordinating with Touya.

“What are you acting like such a virgin for? Keigo already knows what you look liked when you’re getting fucked. No need to be shy.” Touya quips at you and chuckles at how you hide your face in your hands. “Quit it doll, you’re not so innocent. He’s seen it and I’ve seen it, now be a good girl and take off your clothes.”

Touya speaks in that tone when there’s no room for argument, that you dare not talk back or else you’re going to get a punishment. And normally you love to test his patience when he speaks to you in that manner, you know he loves it when you get all bratty with him but with Keigo present you’re a little bit more reluctant to be so cheeky. So you follow directions and reach towards your pants zipper to get your bottoms off first but then Keigo catches your wrist in his hand.

“Wait, I want to undress her.” Keigo announces.

Touya allows it with a passive wave of his hand.

So Keigo kneels down to do the job himself, taking his time and touching you appreciatively while you look away from his gaze. It reminds you of when you tried undressing yourself at the house party when you were rolling to jump into a pool and he caught you just in time, helping poor little you dress back up because you shouldn’t have been trying to get naked with a bunch of strangers around you. Your face is warm as the tips of his fingers skim across your naked skin, completely in the nude and absolutely self conscious as your hands go up to cover your breasts.

Keigo gently pulls your hands away and asks Touya, “Was she this shy with you the first time?”

“Tch, shy? She’s the one that had me by the cock the first time we fucked, bratty little thing pretty much demanded that I blow her back out.” Touya chuckled as he pet the top of your head before lifting your head up. “Isn’t that right doll? You remember?”

You nodded as the memory resurfaced into your mind.

“So why so shy now dove?” Keigo asks as he sheds his shirt and moves to undo his belt buckle.

“It’s different, you’re a friend Keigo. And I’ve never pleased two guys at the same time.”

Touya just merely whips off his own shirt and palms his erection through his sweatpants. “You don’t have to worry about anything (Name). There’s nothing different about sex when there’s an additional person. Keigo’s got plenty of experience in this, he’s been to a few orgies and a gangbang once.”

You whipped your head back to look at Keigo who merely just scratches the back of his head sheepishly. “Hehe, there’s no need to tell her that Touya. But things will be fine dove, we know you trust us. Remember what I said earlier?”

“Y-Yeah… I remember.”

They love you… though you’re not sure what the extent of their love is for you. It’s dangerous to confuse possession for love and that’s the feeling that you get from the both of them. The logical side of you is very aware of this fact and yet you ignore it once more. Love or not, this isn’t exactly your ideal relationship but you’re not quite willing to walk away just yet.

“Can you kiss me Keigo?” you ask, figuring that you might as well just start off.

“Of course songbird.” he says as he pulls you up from the couch and leans down to kiss you. He wastes no time in gliding his tongue against the seam of your soft lips, drawing a quiet moan from you. Keigo is definitely a gentle kisser, or at least for now he’s being gentle, and any nervousness you felt washed away in the tender way he held you in his arms. Keigo’s erection pokes at your thigh and you move one hand in between your bodies to hold it in your hand. You didn’t get a good look at it last time but from the feel of it you can tell it’s a bit smoother compared to Touya’s, a prominent vein underneath as you skim the tips of your fingers over it.

“Get on your knees doll, show Keigo how good you are with that mouth.”

Sinking to your knees, you get a good look at Keigo’s cock; it’s a pretty pink color that’s a little flushed at the tip and the length is close to Touya’s though skinnier in girth. You give it a few experimental pumps in your hand before dipping your head down to take him into your mouth. The taste is a little musty but that’s to be expected when your genitals just sit in your pants all day and it doesn’t bother you at all. His cock glides smoothly over your tongue and when it hits the back of your throat, you moan around it before pulling back with an audible pop.

“You’re looking at my cock like you’re in love with it dove.” Keigo teases. He expects you to quip back at him but you merely open your mouth and stick your tongue out, a quiet ‘ahh’ from you makes his spine tingle. “Eager girl.”

Touya watches you as you swallow Keigo into your eager mouth, your eyes looking up at him and meeting his golden gaze. Watching you on your knees for someone else is getting him hard as fuck, fisting his cock in his hand and proud that you’ve let go of your inhibitions. There was no reason for you to be so shy earlier, Touya knew that you’d relax instantly with Keigo; he always had a charm about him that made everyone comfortable once they met him.

Still though, you’re his girl and he does feel a bit left out so he takes you by the back of your head and directs you to go down on him instead. Touya sees how enthused you are at the familiarity of having his cock in your mouth and how you look up into his own eyes. You’re stroking Keigo with one of your hands while the other plays with your clit messily, all the while you’re smoothly sucking him off; you’re his slutty little multi-tasker. Back and forth you trade off between Keigo and Touya’s cocks and having completely forgotten how shy you were from before. You suppose that Touya’s words from before actually ring true.

Hands go underneath your armpits and you’re lifted to sit on the couch, ass hanging off the edge with your legs held open and leaning back on your elbows for support. You barely get a word in when Keigo smoothly slides down to his knees and proceeds to eat you out like he’s the hungriest man in the world and the first meal he’s given is absolute ambrosia. He’s fucking good with his mouth, a goddamn expert as his tongue flicks over the petals of your pussy, you can’t help but wonder if he got so good from those apparent orgies that Touya said that Keigo attended previously.

Touya has one leg kneeled on the couch and is balanced with one foot on the floor as he watches once again from the sidelines for a brief moment. He thinks of all the times the two of you had sex in front of a mirror, watching your reflection as he railed you on his cock and keeping his eyes forward rather than on you. It’s different to see you in this perspective, being touched by someone else and hearing you moan for his closest friend. If you were moaning for anyone else, if Keigo wasn’t the one Touya had chosen, he’d go crazy with jealousy. He thinks of the scumbag men he’d seen eye you up and down when you weren’t looking, how he knows that they would see you as just a hole to fuck rather than a precious gem to treasure. They wouldn’t cherish you like he did, wouldn’t appreciate you the way Touya does, the things he’d do for you he knows that no other man would. Keigo is the only person he would trust to lavish you with all the affection you deserve.

She’s mine. Touya thinks before looking at Keigo. She’s ours.

You’re obedient when Touya reaches a hand forward, his thumb pressing against your plush bottom lip before you take it into your mouth. Keigo’s teasing your clit with the tip of his tongue and has two fingers moving inside you, golden eyes set on you as you look up at Touya. Your eyes are fluttering though, struggling to keep them focused as his fingers steal your concentration by finding your g-spot and dragging the pads of his fingers down before repeating the motion. A drawn out groan rumbles out from your pretty mouth and you drop your head back.

“She just came.” Keigo states as he withdraws his fingers from you and licks up your juices. “You enjoy yourself songbird?”

You answer with a tired nod of your head.

Keigo chuckles quietly, rubbing his hand on your thigh before looking to Touya. “Does she need a minute?”

“No, she can keep going." Touya kneels down to you and kisses you briefly, waking you from your orgasm-induced stupor as you reach up to touch the back of his neck and kiss you deeper. You and him are lip-locked as Keigo kisses up your body, focusing on your breasts as the pads of his fingers press into your hipbones and make you shiver under his touch. You think that maybe Touya was right from before, that sex isn’t that much different when you have another person around. Kissing is still the same, blowjobs are more or less the same, so is being eaten out, but you’re getting twice the pleasure and excitement.

One hand reaches down and scrunches through Keigo’s blond hair, soft tresses glide through your fingers and you’re reminded of the last time you rolled. His hair was just as soft when you had first kissed him at the party and you think briefly about what kind of shampoo and conditioner he uses to keep his hair so soft, maybe he uses hair masks and stuff like those internet hair recipes for it to feel so nice. So you grab a handful of it and pull his head back, giggling when he grunts and the faint hiss of, “Naughty little dove…”

Touya moves aside to make way for Keigo as he slides up to kiss you once again. In the midst of it, you feel the blunt head of his cock push against your entrance. You won’t dare break from the kiss from Keigo and you blindly reach for Touya’s hand, which he takes and holds it gently. There’s more nudging against your pussy and you think of that song that you’ve heard circulating on the internet, a specific lyric that you think is a fitting theme for tonight: I wanna ruin our friendship.

You could change your mind, tell Keigo to get off you and make Touya back off as well.

“I’m going to put it in now, okay?”

But you won’t tell them to, you decided you want this.

You think of your come down from when you rolled last and how this is almost the same situation except that Keigo is the one to fuck you while Touya sits nearby with his cock in his hand. So you brace one hand on Keigo’s shoulder and widen your legs for him, looking between turquoise eyes of your boyfriend and the golden ones of your friend. “Take his cock doll, fulfill Keigo’s fantasy and let him wreck you.”

It must be Keigo’s eagerness to have been wanting to fuck you since you met because he wastes no time in pummeling his cock into you. He’s not as rough as Touya but there’s definitely enthusiasm in his movements, his eyes entranced on your tits as they bounce with the momentum of his thrusts. Touya has your hand on his cock and makes you jerk him off, calling you a pretty, dirty whore and you vocalize your agreements.

“Fuck she’s such a slut!” Keigo says more to himself rather than Touya. He grabs a handful of your hair in his hand and yanks it back, making you gasp as your neck is exposed and he leans forward to bite down on your soft flesh. This is everything he dreamed of and more, of course the real you is far better than the nights he spent imagining what you would be like with his dick in his hand. Touya is his friend and he always painted a pretty picture with his words whenever he felt like bragging about good at sex he was, which was all the fucking time, but Keigo knew that you were different the more Touya kept on referring back to you before the relationship was official, knowing more about your pussy first before actually learning about who you were.

Touya used to get nudes pretty frequently from some of his former whores, some quick spank material before deleting it but you were different. Whatever you sent to Touya, whether innocent or not so innocent, you got your own personal folder with your name on it and if he was feeling a little generous, he’d show his friend. So Keigo pretty much knew what you looked like naked by the time the two of you were introduced but you didn’t have to know that.

So here you are, naked and getting railed on his cock right with his very own eyes.

No more digital or imaginary substitutions, Keigo was getting the real thing now.

“Hands and knees, I want her sucking me off.”

Pushed into the desired position, your hands brace the armrest of the couch to steady yourself, seeing as you’re about to get fucked from both ends. Keigo’s hips slap against you in a steady and firm rhythm while Touya gags you on his cock. Fingernails dig into the surface of the couch and you strain to look up as you’re getting face fucked. Porn makes having a threesome look so easy and fluid but you’re struggling a little bit with the different rhythms from one end compared to the other. It’s hard to concentrate on sucking Touya off as Keigo fucks you from behind, neither one of them wanting to give you a break.

It’s a struggle but you don’t want to stop.

“Open your mouth wider.” Touya commands and you happily obey. His cock is soaked in your spit so it glides smoothly into your mouth and with practiced eased you deep throat him. Every thrust Keigo delivers, it makes you bump forward slightly but it doesn’t deter you from doing the best you can with a cock in your mouth. Their praises mix together and it makes you feel heady, you want to be good for them and hear more of ‘good girl’ and ‘that’s right songbird’.

And then Keigo yanks you away from Touya, laying flat on your back on the couch and he pushes back inside you with your legs pushed to your chest. You want to look into his eyes, take a dip in those honey-colored windows to his soul and hold his gaze while he practically ravages your pussy. You’re sure that his gaze is as intense as the fucking that he’s giving you, so intense that your eyes are rolling to the back of your head and you can’t look him in the eyes like you want. So instead you’re fucked stupid by Keigo and can barely muster any praises back to him like ‘you fuck me so good’ and shit like that.

It’s okay because Touya can do the talking anyway.

“Look at you doll, looks like you’re losing it over his cock. You’re such a good little whore right now, you make me proud.” Touya strokes his cock in one hand while the other reaches down and lovingly strokes your hair. “You wanna let Keigo fuck you from now on? You wanna be with the both of us?”

“Wan’ you both… yes, want you two!” you groan out and reach one hand up to touch Touya’s wrist. “Ungh, fuck!”

“Shit, I’m going to cum!” Keigo hisses as he sloppily fucks into you before pulling out and cumming all over your tits. Warm splatters of liquid fall onto your chest as you cum as well, finally able to look at Keigo from your vantage point but disappointed that he didn’t cum inside you. “Fucking hell… baby bird…”

Ah, you’ve unlocked a new pet name.

There’s no break for you as Touya takes you back, sitting on the couch and putting you in his lap. You groan at the familiar stretch of his cock slipping inside you, you’re a leaking mess as Touya fucks his hips up into your pussy. You’re getting fucked in his lap, clutching onto his shoulders and moving in practiced sync. Normally you’d get lost looking into turquoise blue eyes but you look to the side to see Keigo leaning against the arm rest and catching his breath.

Touya’s hands cuff underneath your ass and gives support as you ride him, his mouth pressed into your neck as he gives you wet kisses all the while Keigo sits back and watches. It’s different and new and you’re not necessarily sure how this may turn out for you in the end. Your conversation from earlier rings in your mind and your mind sobers briefly at the recollection of it: “He feels you only deserve to get fucked by people who love you, those were his words.”

Love… you’re still trying to fathom it.

Wanting to just have sex was one thing, adding love into the mix was another. It should make you sit down and consider what the fallout may be but the thought of Touya being in love with you, being just too shy or obstinate to bare himself open, it made your heart flutter in the same way he wouldn’t allow you to call him Dabi anymore. And Keigo too, a selfish part of you wanted to indulge yourself silly on these two men who apparently didn’t like the idea of relinquishing you to just anyone.

Don’t be a whore for anyone else but us.

“Look here doll.”

You look away from Keigo and look to Touya instead, cupping his face in your hands and kissing him. Contrary to how he may seem, Touya loved to kiss you during sex. It drives him wild every single time, especially when you’d scrunch a handful of his hair in your hand and tugged on his roots. He curses at you and gives a sharp smack to your ass, a guttural growl rumbling in his chest as he asserts control over you. All you can do is manage to hold onto his shoulders as he presses you to sit back against the couch and fucks into your already sensitive pussy, so he’s not necessarily surprised when you cum on his cock. He reaches down to overstimulate you by toying with your clit and you practically lose it, sobbing as you cum more for him.

When you peer up at Touya, you can tell by the way his brows are pinched that he’s about to cum. You beg for him to cum inside you like he always does, you’re anticipating it. Instead he pulls out and makes you kneel on the floor, Keigo coming to his side with his cock in his hand; you hadn’t even realized that he got hard again. “Open wide sweetheart.” Touya tells you.

So you do, your eyes on the boys as the cum all over your face and your tits, mixed drops catching on your tongue as you’re coated in hot cum. When they’re both thoroughly tapped out, you smear it all over your chest and giggle how they both groan at the sight of you. “Mm… I loved it!”

“Glad you did baby bird.” Keigo leans down to kiss your temple while Touya kisses your cheek. “As pretty as you look with our cum all over you, why don’t you go wash up?”

No arguments there, dried cum isn’t exactly the greatest feeling in the world especially since you were showered in so much of it. So you get up and walk in the direction of the bathroom but turn back briefly and lean against the wall. “Hey.” you call out and they both look to you. “I’m happy that that we did this. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do this, I want you to know that.”

You’re tempted to put out a simple ‘love you’ just to see what Touya’s reaction would be, but you think it’s best to not breach that subject for now. If it were still just you and him, then you probably would have put it out there but the addition of Keigo changes it a bit so you have to reevaluate the pace of the relationship. It’s a whole mess, that much is certain, but you want to stay with Touya. You wonder how much poking and prodding you can get from Keigo to reveal more. You feel a certain sense of pride that apparently he’s never devoted himself to anyone else until you came along, though if it weren’t for Keigo accidentally revealing such precious information then you never would have known in the first place, if not this soon in the relationship. For the time being, you just blow an air kiss and leave to go clean up.

Under the shower spray, you think hard about you, Touya and Keigo. “Eight girls… he used to see eight fucking girls!” you mutter to yourself. It sort of figures that Touya had that many whores but you had no clue that the number was so high before you came along. You still get mad when he comes to you smelling like them, you won’t even let him get near you unless he washes up first and he’ll always cater to you afterwards. Just because Keigo is included now doesn’t mean the jealousy won’t stop, it just means that now he provides a distraction when Touya goes out and wrestles with his commitment issues while balls deep in other girls.

But if what Keigo says is true that Touya loves you then you can hold out until you can draw that confession out of him.

━━━━✧

Part 3 of the Us Series: Do It For Me

#dabi x reader #todoroki touya x reader #hawks x reader #takami keigo x reader #takami x reader #dabi #todoroki touya #takami keigo #dabi smut #hawks smut #bnha x reader #bnha #tw drugs #us series

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phatfoody-blog · 6 years

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My “Journal” So Far

So I had started off a few days ago by doing a private journal before deciding I want to do a blog. So just so I’ll have all this in one place, and for anyone who’s curious how my first few days are going so far, I’m going to my journal I’ve kept so far 3/18/19 - 6:30 AM

Starting weight this morning: 345

I actually got up and did a stretching for beginners workout video. Let me tell you, I am not flexible AT ALL! It was 20 minutes of moving my body in ways I’m not used to, but I’m feeling good and relaxed now, and hopefully won’t be too sore later. I made egg and spinach frittatas for the week, so I don’t have to worry about breakfast. Yay for that! I am so lazy when it comes to cooking. I really love those things, just cook them on Sunday and I’m good for the week. Today’s lunch will be some frozen meal I got from the store. I will TRY, seriously the key word being TRY, not to have a coke at lunch, but I make no promises.

9:40 AM - Okay so had a little water, not much. Need to work on that. I’m currently eating a packet of peanut butter crackers for a snack. Not the healthiest thing, but not the worst either. It could be a bag of chips. Hopefully since I’ve already got the water, I will resist getting a coke at lunch. I make no promises.

11:30 AM - Eating lunch. I resisted the coke!!! So proud of myself. Probably will have one with dinner, but only one is better than two. Had a steak mushroom cheese flatbread melt, Stouffer’s brand. Yes, yes, carbs, I know. BUT for me I think it's more about the calories, and this little sucker is only about 400 of them. And lets be real here, this is way better for me than eating at McDonalds.

7:48 PM - Had strawberries for an after lunch snack. Then kind broke down and had a taco from taco bell with a small, read it, SMALL mountain dew. They even had given me a complimentary medium because it was happy hour, and I thanked them profusely but explained I was trying to limit my soda and could I please get a small. They looked at me like I was crazy, but gave me the small, which I’m proud to say I only drank half when I got home. Had a baked pork chop with mushrooms for dinner along with some steamed broccoli. AND I did NOT have a coke with dinner, which I figured I would have one because I always do. So proud of myself for that. Contemplating doing another stretching workout video before bed, but we’ll see if that happens.

3/19/19 - 6:21 AM - You’d think that Day 2 would be better than Day 1. You’ve already started, so it should get easier right? WRONGO. I am tired and I am sore in places I’m not used to. I have to say that I did NOT enjoy this morning’s stretching workout video. This is supposedly one for “beginners” but that skinny bitch was twisting in positions I’ll probably never be able to get into. I improvised and did some leg exercises and crunches while she was twisted into a pretzel.

Weigh in: 345

You can’t realistically expect to see results overnight with weight loss, but I have to say I was slightly disappointed I didn’t even drop a pound. Hopefully tomorrow will be better! Although probably not, because we’re taking a co-worker out for lunch today before she leaves for another job, and I’ve already picked out the burger with onion rings that I’m going to have. I AM having my breakfast frittata with a glass of milk, and will attempt to drink some water before and after lunch. But I’m getting my soda at lunch, just watch me! Also, side note. My frittatas should NOT be heated for a full minute. It almost exploded in the microwave and the paper plate it was sitting on turned into a burrito. Next time try 45 seconds.

8:32 PM - Had peanut butter crackers for a snack. Had a burger and fries for lunch. We went to Our Mom’s in BR, SO delicious. I’d like to go back and well worth the splurge in calories. If you can believe it, i got in an EXTRA work out this evening by biking. I know, I was surprised too, but I wasn’t doing anything but watching tv, so might as well combine activities. Also, I really needed it because I had hot wings and a coke for dinner. Not the healthiest meal, but the wings were baked, so not the worst either. The worst part is honestly the coke. I gotta get on that. But I did have double the amount of water than yesterday. Progress is progress, I guess, even just a little bit.

3/20/19 - 345 lb

2:16 pm - Overslept this morning, so didn’t get in workout. I did eat my breakfast frittata with milk. No weight loss still, but again, you can’t expect results overnight. I ate two packs of peanut butter crackers for snacks, and I had a tuna sandwich on white bread for lunch. I’ve had nothing but water all day, hoping to stick with that, but we’ll see because I’ve been REALLY craving some caffeine, especially because I’m so tired. I was thinking of getting in a workout after work, but we’ll really have to see how that goes because at this point I feel like I’m going to go home and go to sleep. No plans for dinner, either, so who knows what I’ll be eating.

3/21/19 - 347 lb

6:37 AM - Okay so first off, I have gained two pounds and I am not happy. But I can also feel that my body is retaining a lot of fluid right now. This ALWAYS happens to me when I start trying to lose weight. My body starts retaining fluid more and its so annoying! And it probably doesn’t help that I went out and had Chinese food with the Bestie last night. To be fair, it was within my calories!I also started counting my calories yesterday using MyFitnessPal. I think that’ll help me keep track of how well I’m doing food wise. I overslept again this morning so no work out so far, but I am determined to get a work out in after work. And I think I’ll try to go to the gym this weekend, but we’ll see. It’s the frittata for breakfast with milk and another tuna sandwich for lunch. I’m thinking a taco for dinner.

Gotta try to drink more water today, that’s my goal.

#PhatFoody #WeightLossJourney #losingweightishard

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abigail-mcnatt-photography · 6 years

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Ciao! We are 3 days into our Italy trip and it’s been nothing short of an adventure. We’ve all (well most of us) become so close and have been having such a wonderful time.

As I mentioned, yesterday we visited the Vatican, as well as multiple churches, ate some cannolis (amazing), and explored Rome a little bit before running block after block through a torrential rainstorm to where we were going to eat pizza. It was great, lol. But since I couldn’t have my camera most places, I didn’t want to write about it.

Day 3 was wild from beginning to end. We started out the day by seeing a huge church called Basilica di S. Clemente. There were underground ruins of an older church built first and then the modern church was built on top. Then we went to S. Agnese fuori le mura, before heading to lunch on our own. Lunch was amazing, oh my gosh. My small group broke off and went to a small pizzeria called Pizzeria Europa. It kind of reminded me of like the Italian version of Subway, where it’s small and cheap. Seriously, I paid 6 euros for a coke and a piece of pizza. In the grand scheme of things, that’s basically nothing. And, oh my GOSH was it amazing. I miss it, haha.

Then around 3:30pm we had our appointment at the Colosseum. Our Rome tour guide, Richard, gave us some background on the Colosseum before we went in while we waited and it made it pretty cool to have prior knowledge before we went inside.

The Colosseum was unreal. It was the first thing we’ve seen here that I was truly in awe about. It almost didn’t look real. It’s something you see in so many pictures and don’t ever expect to trust be able to see and it was absolutely beautiful. And we were able to learn so much. The sides of it were actually destroyed by weather such as earthquakes, which was something I didn’t know. It wasn’t just over time. That’s what gives it it’s worn down look.

After we went around the Colosseum and got photos everywhere, we walked to Palantine Hill and the Roman Forum, which were both ruins of ancient Rome. They were both beautiful sights to see and learn about as we walked through and took photos. I have to say, too, that being here and learning makes the facts that much more interesting. I truly don’t think you can learn from a textbook and truly retain that knowledge.

After that we went to dinner together and tried some wine and pizza. I got Marinara which basically had sauce, garlic, and basil and it was very good. Also, I don’t like hardly any wine but the one my group of friends ordered wasn’t the worst one I’ve tried, so that was good. Then we went back and prepped ourselves for the next day.

Today we are on our way to Florence to enjoy another part of Italy!

Rome, Italy

Italy Adventures – Day 3 Ciao! We are 3 days into our Italy trip and it's been nothing short of an adventure.

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pinteressay · 6 years

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Sickly Skinny: A mosaic memoir by Cristina Casas

“Have you lost weight?” was my grandmother’s way of saying “I love you”. The women of my extended family who developed type II diabetes from being overweight would constantly and relentlessly fat-shame other women as a way to hide their own insecurities about their weight. Both of my parents wanted to lose weight but couldn’t stick to a diet and exercise plan. But I was the one to develop an eating disorder at 14. The kid who had never cared what others thought, who put about five minutes of time into her appearance every day, who when she wasn’t in a school uniform was in her self-appointed uniform of solid colored t-shirts and dark washed skinny jeans. That was the kid that went from 135 lbs to 100 lbs in two months.

The Worst Things I Heard When I Lost 35 Lbs in Two Months at 15

1. “Have you lost weight?!?!?!”

2. “You look absolutely amazing!”

3. “What diet are you on? And how can I do it too?”

4. “I won’t eat unless you will too” - my best friend (soon to be boyfriend) who thought he was helping

5. “What’s your secret?”

6. “Let’s go shopping so you can donate all your old clothes that are too big!”

7. “You’re so lucky to be a double zero!”

8. “I’m so jealous of your size!”

9. “You look so much sexier now.” - my 40 year old godmother

10. “Whatever you’re doing to look like this, keep it up!”

He’s never explicitly said it but, my dad had an eating disorder as a teenager. His situation was different than mine, his immediate family was extremely fat phobic, and he was a chubby child. As a teenager, he had a job working for Coca-Cola as a delivery person. He was part of a two-person delivery team, his partner would drive the truck, and my dad would unload the boxes of soda. When he talks about this experience, he focuses on that part of it; offhandedly adding that every single day he did that job, for lunch, he would have a snickers bar and a diet coke. When talking about this period of his life, he drops the fact in casually, but it is always included. He can’t talk about high school without mentioning the lunches of 0 calorie soda and a candy bar. I’ve seen the photos of my dad’s transformation - it wasn’t typical puberty baby fat shedding; he went from being an overweight kid to an underweight teenager. It’s sad. He played football but got injured so he had to quit and that’s when this started. My guess: he felt like if he was big but didn’t play football, he’d lose his popularity so he “became attractive”. I don’t think he knew he had an eating disorder; he may not even realize it now. There’s this stereotype that eating disorders are only for, well, people who look like me: skinny, relatively attractive, white girls with long hair. They’re not for boys, particularly not for Hispanic boys.

Eating disorders can be genetically linked, so it’s not much of a stretch to realize he had an eating disorder as a teenager, despite us never explicitly talking about it. Eating disorders are much less sociocultural than people seem to think as they are neurological disorders, though they do have deep psychological links and triggers though. Both anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are linked to certain genes, this research is still very new, but neurologists and geneticists are exploring. A study done on twins showed that pathological attitudes such as body dissatisfaction, eating and weight concerns, and weight preoccupation, show heritabilities of roughly 32 to 72 percent. While this isn’t the same as a parent-child relationship, it does show that eating disorders can be shared between family members. As with many mental disorders, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly how/why these disorders manifest in certain people as opposed to others but studies have shown that “greater than 50 percent of the variance in liability to eating disorders and disordered eating behaviors can be accounted for by additive genetic effects” (Berrettini).

Things I Wanted To Hear When I Lost 35 Lbs in Two Months at 15

1. “We can see your ribs; are you okay?”

2. “You aren’t broken.”

3. “We accept you no matter what.”

4. “We want to help you.”

5. “We love you always.”

6. “I understand what you’re going through.”

The DSM V categorizes five main eating disorders but when I was first diagnosed four years ago, there were four major eating disorders in the DSM IV: anorexia nervosa (binge/purge and restricting), bulimia nervosa (purge and non-purge), and eating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) with binge eating disorder as a specific subcategory of EDNOS. I have EDNOS. People with EDNOS either have atypical anorexia or bulimia, mixed features of both disorders, or behaviors that are not categorized in either bulimia or anorexia (Psychology Today). Basically, if you have disordered eating to the point where it could be considered an eating disorder, but you don’t have one of the other three, you have EDNOS. My eating disorder manifests as a mix of both anorexia (restricting) and bulimia (non-purge). My own personal way of looking at it is that I am an atypical anorexic with the mentality of a bulimic person. Unlike typical anorexics, I am completely aware of my condition and even at my very worst never let myself go more than 72 hours without eating. Additionally, atypical anorexics, never drop into a weight range that would be considered underweight. I fully understand the health detriments, but it’s not something you logically choose - it's a neurological and psychological disease that you have to fight. Typical bulimics binge eat and then fast, but I tend to fast and then mildly binge, which at this point means eating a slightly larger than “normal” meal and allow myself to eat more sweets than I should.

EDNOS is the most prominent eating disorder, affecting 75% of people with eating disorders (Machado). It affects nearly 10% of the total population of the United States: 4.78% of adolescents and 4.64% of adults. The disorder is difficult to study because, like all other mental disorders, it is so highly individualistic; EDNOS doesn’t affect any two people in the same way. Since there is a range of subcategories of EDNOS, which are each highly volatile, little can be said about the category as a whole. What can be stated is that like with other eating disorders EDNOS is widely under-treated and often undiagnosed, it also can lead to severe long-term health detriments such as potentially permanent kidney damage, heart damage, and brain damage if left untreated (Le Grange).

Things My Eating Disorder Made Me Do:

1. Obsess over calories - something I had never even considered before

2. Skip meals

3. Completely stop eating breakfast

4. Obsessively drink water

5. Avoid kitchens and cafeterias like the plague

6. Fight with my boyfriend about eating and anything having to do with food

7. Become nauseated at the smell of most food

8. Ignore the worsening of my chronic migraines - one of my migraine triggers is low blood sugar

9. Rationalize binging after not eating

10. Fight all logic when it came to food and eating

11. Eat fewer than 500 calories a day

As children, people who later develop eating disorders are often characterized as “anxious, obsessive, perfectionistic and achievement-oriented,” I fit that description pretty perfectly, both as a child and now as a college freshman (Weir). These character traits certainly aren’t the reason I developed ENDOS, but once I had it they exacerbated it: I’m anxious about my weight and people noticing my odd eating habits. I’m obsessive about calories. I’m a perfectionist in so many aspects of my life that it causes me extreme emotional stress that I cannot gain enough control over my brain to be able to fend off this disorder. I am always oriented towards both finally freeing myself from ENDOS and giving in to achieve my “goal weight”.

I remember the day my boyfriend asked me if I was anorexic and I had a complete meltdown; denying vehemently to save face. I knew I had an eating disorder before we started dating, I had accepted that struggle as part of my life. That sounds passive, but like any other mental disorder, ENDOS won’t go away because you pretend you don’t have it, it’ll just get worse. I have never in my life thought I was overweight, but for some reason at 14 going on 15, my brain decided that the extra tummy pudge I had was no longer acceptable. I already had depression and anxiety at that point; and because they were unrelated, my eating disorder perversely helped me get over my depression. As I lost weight, I became less depressed, not necessarily because I was happy I lost the weight, that certainly factored in, but almost because my brain could only handle so many things so my eating disorder sort of absorbed the depression. If I was feeling emotionally shitty, my brain suggested I had eaten too much the day before and was feeling bad about that. Logically, I knew that not eating was probably contributing to the shitty feeling but like with most mental disorders, there is no room for logical though - my own or that of others.

My boyfriend would try to convince me to eat with logical arguments such as “the human body needs more than 1000 calories a day Cristina, you’re actually killing yourself” and “Cristina, you know that when you fast you retain water so you gain water weight and you actually lose weight more slowly” and I knew all of these things in my brain, but the eating disorder always found a way to render them void. My responses to these very logical arguments were usually along the lines of “I’m fine” and “Look, I’m getting better really, I’m just not hungry right now”. Like my father, for a period of time, I would eat a candy bar for lunch; these “lunches” would be eaten around 2 PM, after my third class of the day when I would begin to feel a migraine coming on and would only eat so that I could make it through the rest of the day because raising my blood sugar often helps me fend off a migraine. I passed out three times from lack of food but I always blamed it on my migraines, which are equally serious, but wouldn’t warrant a call to the school psychologist.

I developed a habit of lying about eating; I would tell my theater castmates that I was going to eat dinner once I got home from rehearsal and my parents that I had eaten dinner at rehearsal; I never told my mom about the skipped meals - to her knowledge I was getting three meals plus snacks every day.

Battling an eating disorder has become a huge part of my identity because it’s hard for a mental disorder not to become a big part of who you are - there's a constant battle in my head between the disorder and my self; eating disorders shift your whole perception of yourself whether you want them to or not, no matter how hard you fight them. It plays a huge role in my confidence and general self-image, not just my physical appearance either. A large part of me is so outraged that I “allowed” the eating disorder to do this to me, I have spent the past four years so ashamed of it.

Things My Eating Disorder Didn’t Make Me Do:

1. Eat less shit/healthier

2. Exercise

3. Feel the need to purge

4. Obsess over my body image to a degree of dysphoria

5. Think that I needed to see my ribs to be beautiful - I was disgusted when I got to my thinnest and could see my skin suctioning around my ribs like cling wrap, but I couldn’t stop

6. Deny having an eating disorder

The first step of recovery is acknowledgement, something I had from the get-go. Step two is actually wanting to recover, which was the hardest part. Unlike most other disorders, people are amazed and impressed with the physical results of an eating disorder. The amount of compliments I received after losing the weight, did not at all make me want to regain a healthier weight. So for two years, I stayed at 100-105 lbs. My senior year of high school, I snapped; I didn’t care what anyone thought of me anymore, about anything. I decided once and for all that I needed to actively change the way I thought about food and my eating disorder. I had gained a bit of weight over the summer and was up to 110 lbs, and I decided that instead of panicking like I did when I first saw the number on the scale, I would make this my new “acceptable” weight, I could live with being a zero instead of a double zero. It seems so dumb that I let the arbitrary numbers put on clothing define how I live my life, but to me, it matters, and I have made that my safe zone. I decided to start practicing yoga and eating in a less disordered fashion. The exercise certainly helped me become okay with gaining a little weight. Coming to college I have gained a little more weight but increased the level of exercise without trying due to the pedestrian lifestyle, so my clothing all still fits which helps put my eating disorder at ease. I am still in the recovery process, but I recently I have become increasingly happy with my body, and I can feel the disorder retreating, it’s not gone but the mental wounds opened by my EDNOS are starting to scar over.

Bibliography

Andersen, Arnold E., et al. “A Slimming Program For Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.” Psychiatric Clinics of North America, vol. 24, no. 2, 2001, pp. 271–280.

Berrettini, Wade. “The Genetics of Eating Disorders.” Psychiatry (Edgmont) 1.3 (2004): 18–25. Print.

Bischoff-Grethe, Amanda et al. “Altered Brain Response to Reward and Punishment in Adolescents with Anorexia Nervosa.” Psychiatry research 214.3 (2013): 10.1016/j.pscychresns.2013.07.004. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

“Eating Disorders.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 3 June 2017, www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/eating-disorders.Eddy, Kamryn T, et al.

“Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified in Adolescents.”American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, vol. 47, no. 2, Feb. 2008, pp. 156–164.

Elices, Matilde, et al. “Direct Experience While Eating: Laboratory Outcomes among Individuals with Eating Disorders versus Healthy Controls.” Eating Behaviors, vol. 27, 2017, pp. 23–26.

Foerde, Karin et al. “Neural Mechanisms Supporting Maladaptive Food Choices in Anorexia Nervosa.” Nature neuroscience 18.11 (2015): 1571–1573. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Kerr, Kara L et al. “Altered Insula Activity during Visceral Interoception in Weight-Restored Patients with Anorexia Nervosa.” Neuropsychopharmacology 41.2 (2016): 521–528. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Le Grange, Daniel et al. “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified Presentation in the US Population.” The International journal of eating disorders 45.5 (2012): 711–718. PMC. Web. 22 Nov. 2017.

Machado, Paulo P.P., et al. “The Prevalence of Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified.”International Journal of Eating Disorders, vol. 40, no. 3, 2007, pp. 212–217.

Weir, Kirsten. “New Insights on Eating Disorders.” Monitor on Psychology, vol. 47, no. 4, Apr. 2016, p. 36., www.apa.org/monitor/2016/04/eating-disorders.aspx.

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surveysonfleek · 7 years

Text

472.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 21

1902. What takes your breath away? traveling somewhere for the first time and seeing a view of the city/nature. 1903. What did you do today that you regret? buying shapewear without trying it on first. Will you ever do it again? probably. 1904. Is happiness something to be achieved and sought after or is it something to be retained and held onto always, no matter what happens? i think it should be held onto. i can always cheer myself up a bit by thinking of a happy memory. 1905. Would you rather live in a world of perfection or do you like the world the way it is? i’d have no idea what a world of perfection would even be like.

1906. Is a frightening world an interesting world to live in? i don’t think being scared of your safety/life is ‘interesting’. 1907. What gives people depth and character? their past, personality, skills. 1908. What band, together or not would make you want to JUST FLY after seeing their show? idk. 1909. Speaking of flying, can you fly? no. How do you know? Have you tried? no. 1910. Recently a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich in which some people saw the image of the Virgin Mary sold on ebay for $10,000. What do you think of this? eh, so stupid. 1911. Who is the next person you will hug? probably my boyfriend. 1912. Where was your last vacation to? usa. 1913. Where was your last car ride to? home from the mall. 1914. Where was your last bus ride to? from work to home. 1915. Where did you last walk to? around the mall? 1916. What is the worst band in the universe? idk. 1917. What is the next book you want to read? i haven’t decided yet. my kindle is filled with a ton of books so i’ll just choose among them. 1918. What are the 3 most useless items on the planet? haha idk, i’m sure there are uses for everything. 1919. What gives you a peaceful feeling? knowing everyone i love in my life is happy and okay. 1920. Do you ever stay up late watching infomercials? back in high school yeah. Did you ever BUY anything from an infomercial? nope. 1921. Are you a light sleeper? not when i’m really tired. 1922. Are you a toys R us kid? not really? i loved looking in there as a kid though. 1923. Are you part of the mile high club? nope. 1924. Do you like: pina coladas? i don’t mind them. getting caught in the rain? no. yoga? never tried it properly. intelligence? yes. making love at midnight? making love at any time. health food? only if it tastes good. champagne? i hate it. the feel of the ocean? sometimes. 1925. What was the funniest way that you ever misheard the lyrics to a song? i used to list these down as a kid, but for some reason i can’t think of anything lol. 1926. What have you never seen anything lovelier than? idk. 1927. Have you ever painted on a: wall: yes. ceramic: yes. painting: yes. model: no. sun catcher: no. face: yes. body: yes/ 1928. If you believe in heaven are there seperate heavens for different animals (kittie heaven. dog heaven, bird heaven, etc)? who knows! 1929. If you could build your body from scratch using the parts from different celebrities who would you combine? rihanna’s everything. 1930. If you could build your perfect match from scratch using the parts from different celebrities who would you combine haha idk. 1931. Avril Lavigne or Michelle Branch? avril. Vanessa Carlton or Britney Spears? britney.

1932. When you sleep next to someone do they fall asleep first usually or do you? my boyfriend, always. If they do, do you watch them sleep? nah, it’s just normal now lol. 1933. How many people have a piece of your heart? my boyfriend. 1934. What are your day dreams about? life. 1935. What is your usual breakfast? leftovers. kinda bad. 1936. How quickly are you willing to take drugs to numb pain? not quick at all. 1937. Finish this sentence. I pity the fool that: idk. 1938. Can you think of three adjectives that DO NOT apply to you even a tiny bit? ignorant, small, stupid. 1939. What do your salt and pepper shakers look like? no shakers, they’re just in whatever we bought them in. 1940. When was the last time you hurt yourself? it’s been awhile. gym i think. 1941. Would you rather never have to sleep but also never be able to dream or just leave things as they are? leave things the way they are. i love sleeping. 1942. Have you ever had your car towed? no. 1943. Have you ever used kool-aid to dye your hair? no. 1944. Would you rather be naked and famous or dressed and non-famous? dressed and non famous. 1945. What band or singer do you believe started rock and roll? not a huge rock fan, so idk. 1946. Think of an object that is shaped like your body: coke bottle. hahaha nah idk. 1947. If you had a large black vase-pot-thing in your house what would you put in it? flowers. 1948. Where would you like to live when you want to start a family? not sure. definitely not too far from my home now though. 1949. Would you rather live in the city, suburbs or the country? suburbs. 1950. Were you parents born by the year 1950? no, my dad was born in that decade though. 1951. Would you ever participate in a 'sock hop'? no? 1952. Once there was a green house and inside it was a white house and inside it was a red house and inside it was a bunch of little brown babies. What are we talking about? Solve this riddle. i have no idea lol. 1953. Have you ever built something? yes. 1954. What is the hardest thing to face each day? work, if i’m working that day. 1955. Who's voice irritates you like fingernails on a blackboard? a couple people actually. none that i’m around too often. 1956. What is your favorite plant? flowers or an avocado tree hehe. 1957. What simple things in life do you appreciate? unexpected compliments. 1958. Have you ever read a book by Tom Robbins? no. 1959. Are you more of a maker and giver, or a taker and user? giver and user. 1960. What do you contribute to society? not much. 1961. Do you take naps? only if i haven’t had enough sleep. 1962. Do you have any cavaties? yes. 1963. What is the difference between art and fine art? i couldn’t answer that. 1964. Do you believe that there has been a man on the moon? yes. 1965. What music makes you so happy you could burst? haha none at present. 1966. What do you think of the band They Might be Giants? idk them. 1967. Would you ever go into a sex shop? i’ve been once with friends out of curiosity . 1968. If you had to choose would you rather go into a sex shop with your mom or your dad? omg... my mum i think. 1969. Do you buy holiday gifts early or at the last minute? i’m going to buy them early this year. i must!!!! 1970. What do you want to do today? i already have plans. 1971. You see a girl in a long ruffled off white dress carrying a bag painted with a sunflower and playing a ukelele while twirling around the cafeteria. What is your first reaction? free spirited. Could you become friends with this girl? i could become friends with anyone, it just depends if our personalities click or not. 1972. Let's just say your school team is on a winning streak. One of the cheerleaders cheers both for your team and the other team during games. Does it make you angry? it depends how patriotic i am about the team. One day you ask her why she does it and she says that, "It's just so much fun, no matter who wins." What do you think of that? that’s cool. 1973. Do you laugh when there is no joke and dance when there is no music? no. 1974. What would the perfect pair of socks look like? those invisible socks, preferable black with the right amount of softness and fit. 1975. What is the longest you have ever gone with out sleeping? over 24hrs. it was hell. i was at work. 1976. Have you ever had a halucination? i don’t think so. 1977. Are you generally happy? yes. 1978. Are you a sore loser? sore winner? neither tbh. 1979. Were you an 80's baby? nope. 1980. What's in the room with you right now that you can't see? ha ha funny. 1981. Do you ALWAYS thoroughly wash your hands after going to the bathroom? ok not always, if i’m half asleep and need to go bathroom i’ll probably just go straight back to sleep. i’ll always wash my hands at work or in public places though. 1982. If someone else were to describe you what would you hope they would say? she’s smart, kind and beautiful. so far from the truth lol. 1983. What is the sound of one hand clapping? ask a crowd to do it. 1984. You are filling out a 5000 question survey. What would you rather be doing right now? holidaying someone nice. Why aren't you doing it? i can’t afford it right now. 1985. Do you prefer carnivals, festivals, circuses, parades or fairs? carnivals or fairs. 1986. Are you useful? i’d hope so. 1987. Are you a: bitch/bastard? probably. lover? yes. child? no. mother/father? no. sinner? yes. saint? no. 1988. What is the dirtiest habit you can think of? a sex addict that has unprotected sex with random people. very dangerous. 1989. What kind of person will you ABSOLUTELY never date? someone older than my dad. 1990. What were you doing at ten fifteen last saturday night? working. 1991. Do you ever need 'quiet time'? nope. 1992. What are you made of? blood, water, bones lol. 1993. What does 'you are what you eat' really mean? idk. 1994. What was the last thing you counted? these questions to see how long i’ve got left. 1995. Do you think it is harder for a parent to outlive their child or for the child to lose a parent? child to lose a parent. that would suck. 1996. Do you believe in psychic ability or is it a sham? i think it’s bullshit but whatever. 1997. What is your favorite classic rock song? bohemian rhapsody. 1998. Who are you anyway? me. Are you your resume? pretty much. 1999. When are you the most insecure? going to events with friends i haven’t seen in a long time. 2000. Who would your fantasy threesome involve? my boyfriend and avan jogia.

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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