#the choking also being related to conformity and self control to the point of 'choking oneself'

[wheelercore]

Trying to figure out whether st is referencing Kubrick's The Shining or Stephen King's original book. Or both?

Because ST takes quite a lot of influence from Stephen King (and tangentially related stories) and I'm just staring realllll hard at the fact that there are there interesting possible allusions to the movies/books, one of which being that Wendy goes onto (who is described as blonde and beautiful in the book- something that was changed by Kubrick for the movie) die when Danny is twenty from lung cancer.

[anewhope4change-blog]

Speak Up

It can be difficult for a person to rapidly switch the lens through which she views the world. Individuals are molded from an early age to recognize what is generally accepted in their society. When these guidelines are too closely followed, it deters individuals from speaking up lest they are shunned from society. As a result, it can make it nearly impossible for social improvements to be made due to the increased attitude of apathy. To combat this, Allen Ginsberg and Saul Williams express the importance of fighting back against the constructs that control a society.

A common term that many people are familiar with is the idea of the American Dream. It glorifies the concept of an individual “making it on [her] own if [she has] the will power, stamina, and intestinal fortitude to survive and compete” (Banks 168). However, as many have come to find out, this type of concept is not always the easiest one to follow. Even if a person does all that she can, there are usually other extrinsic roadblocks that automatically make certain dreams become impossible. In fact, research states that there is “scientific evidence that this very strategy is driving society into disconnection, despair, and even poor health” (168). This is only one of the examples in which society puts its belief into something that can be detrimental. It is a limiting mindset that controls the actions and behaviors of an individual trying to follow the idea. This type of situation ultimately offers the question about what needs to be done to break free from the social constructs and obstacles that choke America’s culture. It helps to have and to utilize an outlet of expression in order to be heard. Allen Ginsberg begins by demonstrating this through his poetry, most notably in “Howl.” 

Following the post-war era in America, there were still instances of social restraints placed upon society due to widespread conformity. It ultimately led to the movement of the Beat Generation. Members of this demonstration were known for paving the road for “a refreshing new age of social and literary freedoms” by denouncing what was wrongfully controlling their culture (Theado 748). As a prominent figure of the Beat Generation, Ginsberg did just that. In “Howl,” he expresses what he has seen happen to his society and how it has affected his fellow members of the Beat Generation. 

The poem itself is an example of protest that is broken up into three parts. The first portion explains who is feeling wronged by the forced conformity. He then continues on to the second part, which explains what it is exactly that is causing these feelings. Finally, he manages to finish the poem on more of a hopeful note. However, the overall message that he is hoping to convey is an impactful one. Seen especially during the second part of the poem, he personifies the effects of consumerism through Moloch. Moloch is a “deity associated in biblical sources with the practice of child sacrifice” (“Moloch”). By explaining how Moloch, “whose blood is running money,” is also the “smoke-stacks and antennae [that] crown the cities,” Ginsberg is making the connection that society is the one being sacrificed to consumerism (Ginsberg lines 28-29 and 32-33). Furthermore, consumerism is damaging to the overall culture. Years following Ginsberg’s poem, Saul Williams created a piece that further demonstrates how society should fight back against the standards put into motion by America’s culture. 

Similar to Ginsberg’s “Howl,” Saul Williams’ “Coded Language” is a poem that protests against what he sees occurring around him. Highlighting an issue that is seen in modern America today, he expresses his concern with how oversaturated the media has become. It holds society within its hands and essentially has limited the minds of everyone. He states that “the current standard is the equivalent of an adolescent restricted to the diet of an infant” (Williams lines 32-33). Ultimately, he is arguing that individuals in society are no longer given the tools to accurately stretch and train their minds. There is a certain stopping point in which they no longer are able to freely express their ideas and opinions. Furthermore, he pointedly states that “now is the time to self-actualize” (line 19). The Theory of Self-Actualization “is the process of achieving one’s own full potential or the hidden potentials through creativity, autonomy, spontaneity and vibrant understanding of what one’s desires and wishes” (Tripathi and Moakumla 499). As such, Williams is proclaiming the importance of regaining the drive to want to be better. Especially in the environment seen today in the media, individuals need to remember that they have a voice.

Another important element that both poems utilize is calling out to real instances and people. Ginsberg calls out to the struggles of his fellow Beat members as they were “the best minds of [his] generation destroyed by madness” (Ginsberg line 1). However, most notable in his work is his repeated cry to Carl Solomon, the person to which “Howl” is dedicated to. Similarly, Saul Williams lists many prominent names ranging from Lennon to Nostradamus. Each person or place on Williams’ list is significant in causing change one way or another. By involving real examples into their works, Ginsberg and Williams make it feel more tangible and relatable to the current audience. When readers are able to feel like they connect to a piece, the lesson being told will become more effective in the long run. Perhaps it will motivate the audience to be on the next list of influential figures.

Overall, Ginsberg and Williams were not only poets but also activists wishing to open the eyes of their audience. It can be easy to fall into the monotonous cycle of what the media and culture feeds to its victims, but that is no excuse to become apathetic. Just because something feels familiar does not mean that it is always the best option. If anything, both poems should be a motivating factor for people to want to change the antiquated standards that have been set in motion. Furthermore, learning from past experiences of other individuals allows a society to understand how to continue moving forward. These types of changes will not happen overnight, but it can be gradually worked on. 

Works Cited

Banks, Amy. “Developing the Capacity to Connect.” Zygon: Journal of Religion & Science, vol. 46, no. 1, Mar. 2011, pp. 168–182. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1111/j.1467-9744.2010.01164.x.

Ginsberg, Allen. “Howl.” Poetry Foundation, Poetry Foundation, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/49303/howl.“Moloch.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., 26 Feb. 2016, https://www.britannica.com/topic/Moloch-ancient-god.

Theado, Matt. “Beat Generation Literary Criticism.” Contemporary Literature, vol. 45, no. 4, Winter 2004, pp. 747–761. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1353/cli.2005.0010.

Tripathi, Nishi, and Moakumla. “A Valuation of Abraham Maslow’s Theory of Self-Actualization for the Enhancement of Quality of Life.” Indian Journal of Health & Wellbeing, vol. 9, no. 3, Mar. 2018, pp. 499–504. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=a9h&AN=129285067&site=ehost-live&scope=site.Williams, 

Saul. “Coded Language.” Coded Language Lyrics, https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/4811860/Saul Williams/Coded Language

[seansaboutacity]

#2 AAC - Masquerade

i’m sorry but i really got to break you

i’m sorry but i really got to break you i mean break it to you firstly how are you doing great OK because your work needs to be more than OK like what is this stop saying trying just do it when i was young my mum taught me this she was way stricter on me like this no like this look at me i’m doing it like this it can’t be easier but you screw it up anyway how many times should i say listen to what i say you carry on like this you’re never going to be independent if you think you’re going to just take over don’t make me laugh it’s not going to be easy stop treating it like a joke i shouldn’t be leaving no one’s going to be as good as me i’m not angry i’m disappointed actually just go away i don’t want to talk to you anymore just leave

mister president! mister president!

999 what is your emergency i just killed my boyfriend *** security where are my bodyguards here step right here sir but what's going on step up to the podium microphones like candles at the funeral altar and the flash flash of cameras lenses shoved in like snouts in a trough mister president mister president where were you in the night of his death with who what were you doing why what what I will not be taking questions my press office no sir we advise you take them now what but again mister president mister president are you a homosexual do you identify as a sodomite did you come out as a bottom call me anything leans in microphone whines just call me what caused your boyfriend's death he choked on an apple peel he never learned how to swallow but mister president mister president do you regret cheating why did you lie about your affair I am in an affair yes with all of humanity do you blame me if my presidency isn't the only man I see but your boyfriend he is imaginary and I am single and lonely will you ever make a comeback is this the end of your career this would never happen with a female president will she be back your predecessor I am my predecessor do you not see my jewels suit fancy rings I have devoured her sucked out her life licked the rest off my fingers done surgery on my personality and now in my time of need where is she oh my gawd the president's fainted call a state of emergency a state of the union monarchy mister president mister president

If the greatest defence is offence, might not the greatest offence be defence?

This essay will challenge the assumptions we make about culture and its sociological questions, relating to social interaction. This essay aims to break down key concepts and then relay them back to the essay’s key concerns with culture.

Firstly, what is culture?

This essay adopts a broad definition of culture, a term used to describe a set of unified values, beliefs and social practices that a social group holds.

Something interesting to explore is where culture comes from. Should we look at the individual or the group as the starting point for understanding the origin of culture?

If we start with the individual, culture becomes about personal perspective but also fulfilling the emotional needs of the individual. The individual cultivates a sense of their own personal identity, but desires group belonging which creates group identity. While the individual tries to create their own unique personal and social identity within the group, the group simultaneously creates an exaggerated difference from other groups to reinforce their sense of group uniqueness.

If culture in the individual’s perspective is about personal identity and belonging, it looks different from the collective’s perspective. The collective regulates norms and disciplines members who step out of them. Self-awareness comes from members’ awareness of each other’s interactions, where they constantly monitor their behaviour to fit into social norms.

Something to refute first and foremost is the idea of the autonomous agent - which means the atomised individual, romanticised and portrayed as heroic in their quest for personal meaning. This idea, while attractive as a cultural and ideological ideal, is flawed because it doesn’t consider how much the individual is actually a sum of its social relations. We should consider instead how the self is the ‘holistic self’, made up of the social relationships, filial ties, political allegiances and other complex social identities which help to construct the self’s identity within a social group.

But we can’t throw out the idea of the individual entirely either - it remains an important sociological question why the individual still holds so much gravity and appeal, especially in today’s world. Anthony Giddens discusses this and says that a person living in today’s society practices hypermodern reflexivity, the individual social consciousness needed to reflect on one’s life choices to create a narrative about their future and career. Less important then is the individual/social divide, but understanding how the individual is structured by the social whole, and their personal practices are only given social meaning within the social context in which they are practised.

Our common sense assumptions of social action are flawed. Usually we think of ourselves as having a subjective interior and objective exterior, where personal imagination and consciousness lends us idealistic omnipotence compared to the objective social world where we are pressured to conform and behave in accordance with social norms.

But this distinction breaks down when we begin to de-essentialise the interior self. As mentioned before, individual consciousness is always social consciousness because we use language to think, inherently something socially constructed. But we also always consider our position compared to other people, evaluating, comparing and judging ourselves to others.

All this discussion helps to frame my thoughts on something I think intersects the personal and the social - the masquerade. The masquerade posits culture as a defence, temporary transcendence but ultimately an ambiguous resistance and subversion of social norms.

The masquerade is the social practice of forced assimilation or conformity with dominant social norms. It uses the performative disguise of culture to speak and appear like the dominant Other. But the performative nature of culture also indicates the transformative potential of culture that points towards alterity and playfulness - if normality can be performed, then maybe nothing is strictly normal or fixed. Culture is the transcendence of these norms.

So the masquerade, performed successfully, helps to subvert the very social norms which made the masquerade necessary in the first place.

But the masquerade is ambiguous as a form of social resistance. It means accommodating the needs of the social dominant, and can lend itself to acquiescence and obedience.

But the masquerade points towards something in between dominant and subordinated, or the master/slave dichotomy. It indicates the possibility of escaping binaries, if something can occupy different positions of resistance and social being simultaneously.

We can understand the masquerade as the process of double codification - the person is first embedded as a social person through social norms, but then given social agency as they practise their construction of personal meanings through those norms. The process is inherently unstable though because the person’s social existence is always threatened by the Other’s control and domination.

So what is the point of culture? Culture is about escape - there’s something barren and dull about social norms which numb and pacify an individual’s search for meaning and alternative forms of socially relating with others. But if culture is to form meaningful tools of social resistance, it must try to transform social practices, perhaps through paradigmatic shifts where actions are interpreted with different types of social meaning.

And finally, the masquerade is like wearing a mask. Or perhaps the inverse - the mask wears the person, and there are multiple social masks, which indicates the impossibility of knowing one’s true authentic self because we are left inevitably deprived of the Other’s complete social validation.

[joeahj]

systemising

build firm foundation and renovate system continuously to replicate and challenge results. Punishment is more like conformity than self-control because with self-control there needs to be an internal drive, not an external source of punishment that makes the person want to do something... Minimum Impact Suppression Tactics (MIST) may result in an increase in the amount of time spent watching, rather than disturbing, a dying fire to insure it does not rise again...involve additional rehabilitation measures on the site that were not previously carried out...When selecting an appropriate suppression response, firefighter safety must remain the highest concern...important to consider probable rehabilitation need as a part of selecting the appropriate suppression response. Tactics that reduce the need for rehab are preferred whenever feasible...Evaluate and provide feedback as to the tactical effectiveness during and after fire incident...Burn out and use low impact tools for ground fuels... Identify high hazards with easy to spot signs...Use natural openings as much as possible...provide essential cleaning needs where crews are staged...Select impact-resistant camping sites...lay out camp components carefully from the start. Define cooking, sleeping, latrine, and water supplies. When there is a small group try to disperse use. In the case of larger camps: concentrate, mitigate, and rehabilitate... managing fire "with time" as opposed to "against time."...consider the land, resource and incident objectives, and to decide the appropriate management response and tactics which result in minimum costs and minimum resource damage...select management tactics commensurate with the fire’s potential or existing behavior while producing the least possible impact on the resource being protected...using the minimum tool to safely and effectively accomplish the task Type 1/2 Incident Commander establishes and nurtures a close dialogue with the resource advisor assigned to the fire team. Review actions on site and evaluate for compliance with land line officer direction and effectiveness at meeting fire management protection objectives...Monitor operations to ensure MIST is implemented during line construction as well as other resource disturbing activities Much of the work on how the brain reaches decisions is based on evidence from perceptual learning... Pre-exposure reduces the frustrations related to the delay of the outcome...The decision tends to be based on the option with the higher (linked with the desirable outcome incentive) value at the time of the decision...(after making the pre-commitment action) person is more likely to exercise the self-controlled decision... if a person is able to change his choice after the initial choice is made, the person is far more likely to take the impulsive, rather than self-controlled, choice... Internals may perceive they have options from which to choose, thus facilitating more hopeful decision-making behavior as opposed to dependence on externally determined outcomes that require less commitment, effort, or self-control... Exerting self-control depletes glucose. Reduced glucose, and poor glucose tolerance (reduced ability to transport glucose to the brain) are correlated with lower performance in tests of self-control, particularly in difficult new situations... approaching a temptation by defining it in abstract, general terms as opposed to specific, concrete details...better able to place a temptation in context and properly evaluate its long-term impact, and therefore are more likely to maintain self-control...hot features (of objective/temptation) make it more difficult to delay gratification. By focusing on the cool features, the mind is adverted from the appealing aspects of the marshmallow, and self-control is more plausible. associate subconscious with self-awareness as self-awareness is a powerful ability to see oneself clearly, to understand who one is, how others sees one and how one fits into the world  for fulfillment; stronger relationships; creativity; ethics; performance; effectiveness; interest direction. for subconscious, use “what” rather than “why” questions for definition to move forward in reality for clarity instead of being trapped in uncertainty. this is as hiding of unconscious thoughts, feelings and motives from conscious awareness disables excavation of unconscious thoughts, feelings and motives. this is also as human perception is subjective, not objective. focus on being aware of body, mind and feelings in present moment (exercise default mode network self-referential processing neural network part to better manage posterior cingulate cortex) to see clearly what one gets when one gets caught up in one’s behavior, move knowledge to wisdom and exercise ability to let go when necessary (feel joy of letting go too). regularly do mindfulness exercises (portable brain fitness routine to keep one’s attention strong) at least 15 minutes each day - focused attention and open monitoring, better attention over time when one’s attention is under stress. mindfulness allows reduced anxiety, protection from depression relapse, and improved working memory. Open monitoring helps you learn to pay attention to what’s happening around you without attachment -  remaining open to arising internal or external experiences and allowing those experiences to wash over you. Without processing or thinking, notice occurrence and allow occurrence to dissipate. notice body sensations (bite-sized experiences’ pieces manageable moment to moment rather than choking emotion) come and go learn to see more clearly results of one’s actions to let go of old habits and form new habits. most basic nervous system positive and negative reinforcement reward-based learning process - context-dependent memory (dependency to tap into inherent capacity to be curiously aware for awareness possibility) learning repetition process (trigger, behavior, reward) that becomes a habit. this process can alter its trigger from physical signal to emotional signal with the creative brain. use curiosity to step out of old, fear-based and reactive habit patterns (loop); stepping into awareness to eagerly await next data point (exercise default mode network self-referential processing neural network part to better manage posterior cingulate cortex). go with the process with focus on curiosity in what is happening in one’s momentary experience for awareness (move knowledge to wisdom). Having a willingness to turn toward one’s experience rather than focusing on cognitive behavioural control is supported by naturally rewarding curiosity. continue to understand self-awareness importance and develop self-awareness. If one finds one so lost in thought that one can’t accomplish the open monitoring practice, go back to doing a focused attention exercise to steady oneself. After one has a good grounding in focused attention practice and can keep one’s attention on a particular object or set of sensations for a period of time, one can move on to open monitoring. when the mind wanders, gently return/redirect one’s attention in mindfulness exercises. Focused attention exercises cultivate one’s brain’s ability to focus on one single object. Focus on something that is tied to one’s sensory experience. When one’s mind wanders away from that sensation to internal mental content or an external distraction, gently return it to the sensory experience object. use habits to create the mental space needed for free thinking and creativity. since the conscious mind can only pay attention to one problem at a time, habits are used to reduce cognitive load and free up mental capacity to allocate attention to other tasks. beyond analysing each situation angle, cues predicting success are locked on while everything else is tuned out. This is while skipping the trial and error process with a mental rule of “if this, then that” in appropriate situations. Appropriateness can be determined when the situation is able to be integrated as whole - parts are tied together in a way that supports each other. This is so that disadvantageous effects can be reduced. Appropriateness can be determined relevancy in engagement of Kolb’s repeating learning process cycle of experiencing > thinking > reflecting > applying. build habits in the present to do more of what you want in the future. habits are formed through reinforcement. start with influential subconscious “why is what being done even being done” (follow self-interest lead tendency) - limbic brain’s decision making as well as no language capacity emotions; then “how is what being done being done” - limbic brain’s decision making as well as no language capacity emotions; then “what is being done” (proof coming from “why is what being done even being done”) - neocortex’s rational and analytic thought (with tangible items) as well as language (prefrontal cortex cognitive behavioural control goes offline when one is stressed out. one then falls back into old habits). simplify impactful objectives since achievement is linked with how problems are approached as well as the continuous and compounding nature of how decisions are made to solve those problems (marginal improvements). Desire for Self-Control Limits Exertion of Self-Control in Demanding Settings. ways to think to be aligned with problems: 1. design refers to innovation methodology; designed thinking or technically human centered design. 2. engineering thinking for clear repeatable solutions. 3. optimization thinking where no right answer to problem. unclear, continuously changing success criteria which when found can’t be reused - inherently human problem intersecting future. engineering prototype. design prototype. build way via prototype iteration to get reality feedback before commitment - (expose assumptions) curate curiosity; ask and understand question; try; learn; iterate prototype iteration processes till sufficient idea obtained to implement and problem solve. 4. analytic thinking where think with premise; think thin; slice down; question process. relevant decisions can move the probability of achievement (decision success rate) before progress can be quantified and tracked. develop new ways to work together to develop task clarity - go beyond old habits as well as focus on familiarity and previous operating experiences to explore better ways to get things done; go beyond memories for how to frame solutions to any new task; remind new task focus. The mind projects thoughts into consciousness while one lives in a world of thought unlike external experience. One can focus only on the vision a size of a thumb with great sharpness, clarity and accuracy. Perception is therefore a subjective experience. attention focus management actions and envisioning, changing perception experience, increases speed and decreases exertion. model to direct focus towards impactful objectives in meaningful system (achievement process); use precision and recall (relevance with accuracy, especially for what others are challenged by) in prioritization predicting while noting correlation is not causation. sustainable system has safe haven for resources to recover from what was already taken and sustain what might be taken in the future; prevent wastage. critical to reward effort, learning and progress. emphasize the processes that yield these things, such as seeking help from others, trying new strategies, and capitalizing on setbacks to move forward effectively. the outcome — the bottom line — follows from deeply engaging in these processes. A big part of having a learning attitude is showing that you’re open to feedback. Get feedback to get outside your head and know if you’re doing it right. Periodically check in with those you are already building relationships with, and ask them if they’ve noticed you doing anything that might be inappropriate. This gives them the opportunity to provide feedback and clearly signals that you’re open to receiving it in the future, should something arise. If you know that you have an event coming up, you can even do some practice runs and get feedback before you step into the “performance” setting. It’s also ideal if you can get feedback shortly after you commit a faux pas — and here is where your self-reflection work comes in. After sharing the scenario and your insights with the people you’re building relationships with, you could ask them to help you understand what you’re missing, where you went wrong, and what a better interaction would look like from the perspective of the other culture. Depending on the nature of the relationship, and whether you have caused offense, you may also want to get feedback about how to make things right again. Ask whether there is anything you can do, or more indirectly, establish efforts to repair any damage. This can help you move forward and also sets the learning process in motion again, with its emphasis on building relationships. Adopt a proactive stance where you work toward avoiding faux pas while simultaneously leveraging them as learning opportunities. encourage appropriate risk-taking, knowing that some risks won’t work out.  reward employees for important and useful lessons learned, even if a project does not meet its original goals. support collaboration across organizational boundaries rather than competition among employees or units. commit to the growth of every member in words and deeds, such as broadly available development and advancement opportunities. feedback relevant failure lessons into communal learning experience. continually reinforce growth mindset values with concrete policies, eg. facilitate sharing information, collaborating, innovating, seeking feedback, or admitting errors. growth mindset gives people a richer sense of who they are, what they stand for, and how they want to move forward since the mindset entails enjoying challenges, striving to learn, and consistently seeing potential to develop new skills.

[opalmothnightingale]

Childhood,...  The Place Where I Can Fall Apart Safely

1- 8- 18 - 

Not children, not my own child, not my own real childhood, but the ideological or mythological or spiritual, magical, psychological maybe realm of childhood found, when it was lost or when it was never lived the fullest, childhood, inner childhood, inner teenhood... 

Which has been brought to life and innocence through a variety of factors all coalescing...  My daughter, raising her, homeschooling her, too, being a stay at home mom, her behavioral “disorders”, which are like clear bells of truth to me,...  Reality unflitered and undistorted, sympathy untainted and unrestrained, wildness, creativity and impulsiveness, sensory integration needs, unrestrained, unstifled...  

And my memories of my childhood, and healing the pain of the memories and the pain of the memories of my teenhood, young adulthood too...  and even the ongoing adulthood that is not “young” anymore, but continues the abuse and entangled distorted embroidered and imprinted patterns, 

...which were begun in my childhood and teenagerhood years...  And the abuse and the shame and the pain, all layers and tendrils and tentacles, of childhood pain and lostness and layers and frozen and all this torment...  All this denial...  Lack, repression, negation, choked voice...  of my inner child, inner teen, weaving huge wefts, through all of it.  

But now I have found the ways and the wonders, the patterns and the skills and tools and resources, to gradually heal it...  And also, contributing...

Is the imagination, dreams and ideas, books, resources, art, others’ creativity and beauty, joy, liveliness and freedom, a childhood found, childhood that I’ve never had.  

My unique inner child that never got to be all I was, never got to feel those parts of my self that were either not encouraged or else downright stifled and scorned or suffocated and killed off,...

But now are rising to life and weren’t really dead, Snow White, arisen,...

And Sleeping Beauty, centuries old yet young and alive once more, Rumpelstilskin, sleeping forever but I’m awake and even if I missed and was dead and wasted for my life for decades, I’m awake and I feel renewed, a spring arising, and I will make it what it is, can be, and I see...

Out of all of this I sense my inner child and teen and my daughter’s role also, is to show me how to be a person I am not, to span the bridge, the huge and glaring, striking gap, as she is...

So many things I never was and never will be, but that I need so much more of, a contrast to my own personality...  My gentle, retreating, introverting, closing up, oversensitive self,...  Clamped shut, wrapped in layers of denial, repression, silencing, turned to a mute, numb caricature of confusion and emptiness and longing and lack of knowing what to do,...

Even how to express myself... 

Because my conformist, neat and orderly, well behaved family made me that way, took my compliance and sensitivity and strangeness and confusion, took advantage of it to form me into a misshapen being, unable to thrive,...  Until now, I am gradually learning to thrive.  Not that they intended to be like that, to hurt and kill my life force,...  they thought they were raising an upstanding, resilient, clear headed, level headed, thriving...

Being,.. A being, just...  being, but they did not know that my personality simply could not conform to their standards without being rotted away and atrophied.  It was my husband who in some sickening sense “saved” me and without him I’d have been an addict and maybe a prostitute or a young age suicide or homeless, nearly for sure...  Because that was where I was hurtling at full speed, it seems,...

 before he tried to intervene, in his clumsy, misguided, save the world, save the damsel in distress, over confident way which did still do me lots of good... 

even if it too would become a constrictive box and he would shut down to all my deeper, more sensitive, creative and dreamy and spiritual expressions, my inner child, inner teen...  

And he would become like so many adults, conformist, and orderly, serene, practical, self assured, small, predictable, same day in day out bore me to hell numbness and callous self assured control over all extraneous outside the lines things (even his own wife, in some ways).  

But now I find my inner child of self, inner childhood, is the ground in which I can make my container, from which to fall and piece together, grow and rise back up and heal and be, simple and strange and beyond the pale of most of the adults...  Beyond them, not needing them, them also not needing and wanting me.  

Happy and fulfilled and overflowing, finding and embracing friendship and love when and where I honestly find it...  

And there from there I will find if I can have love as an enriched element in my world, not essential but only a more beautiful thing to add, as long as it doesn’t control or kill my inner childhood world...

The childhood/teenhood that learned as well, how to break, and how to have faith in the god’s game that is harrowing and unsure yet has blessings and promises for those who know how to play it honestly and well, ...  

A grown up child who contains breaking and heartbreaking faith too, like Abraham willing to sacrifice Isaac (or was it Isaac and Jacob?  

some others? ...  Oh well my bible memory is flawed, but you know the story...)  Job tried endlessly.  Jesus sacrificing his life for the cause or guidance he believed in...  These kinds of stories...  These pull me even though I don’t always like them.  

I feel there are times when unthinkable things might have a greater purpose we can only describe with mystery, and not really understand. 

Just to understand...  That maybe they have to be, and we aren’t to judge,... and point the finger of blame, pour our sweet advice over all like a condescending patronizing charity,...  as if we have all the answers to all others’ problems and can say if they couldn’t have another better choice than to suffer, suffer, suffer, to lay down and suffer, and to suffer again...  

But knowing the promises, the miracles and the blessings as I do, as they are, I think gods’ game will not let me suffer endlessly and sensibly in a way I can only call mystery... I think that it will be reborn into something, a broken illusion, the in between of illusion and reality, turned into something gracious and growing, beautiful, whole and no longer the pain repercussions, reverberating through...  

I think maybe it’s time for my daughter and me to be freed and given to a higher road...  But if not, then maybe her or my souls are on a different path, still needing to learn other things, or maybe the pain and lack has been set into such a groove that it can’t be escaped this life, no turning back now, too late...  

How can I say?  But what looks as pain and torment can be lessons in wisdom for hardheaded souls with bad predilections,...  Teaching them to stop making bad choices,... Just look at the supposedly blessed lives of wealthy, happy families and their kids... many kids in those families still end up lost and unhappy.  Many who live in broken families heal and feel better and do well with their lives, over time, maybe even early in youth onward.  My failure would not necessarily be a bad thing for my daughter.  

Either she or I might be hardheaded, and need to separate onto another path because we’ll only butt heads and hurt each other.  Or maybe our service, our assignment this life, is over, and it’s no failure, but lesson learned, time to move on,...  The end of the movie...

Next movie, next world, in the world that’s a stage only...  And when the curtain draws to a close, we’ll laugh and party, saying what a good performance, and feel no regret for a life lost “early” when it was all on time and just as it was meant...  And all those who point the finger at our suffering are in the wrong,... for trying to withhold and blame...

Lessons that have to be learned or are better learned the hard way...  Like living firsthand suffering to empathize with suffering people and heal them...  This life is just so much slower and stronger and braver and more unknown than all these high vibrating cloudy people...  Sitting on their clouds, surrounded by clouds, blowing clouds of smoke and smoke and mirror philosophies, like a drug...  Drink the kool aid, and ignore the inconsistencies...

But I can find healing in childhood, through death, suffering, unknown, uncertainty, inconsistency and illness...  And the joy and newness and wonder and beauty of childhood makes it worth the while and alive and new and growing, even as things are dying, because there’s no dying...

And it is how I felt, when my daughter was a toddler, so full of laughter and wonder,...  And my life was falling apart and I was lost entirely so much of the time... 

 And now as she gets older and smarter too, and less totally immersed in senses, newness and laughter... More growing up, intellectual a bit more...  But still so young and lively and wondering and still things quite new for her...  

Even though I went through reactions of boredom and living death, I won’t paint it in prettier colors, often, far too much, not knowing if I’d make it...  Went through all that, in her toddlerhood,...  

quite dulled down and not able to feel the wonder of her childlike perspective by any stretch of the imagination, at all times... But it was often a door of newness and life, and it still is, as she grows older,...  And I grow happier, with my own life and mind and understanding that is growing, and with her,... And as she grows more relatable to me,.. Yes, I’ll be honest,...  less mind-numbing and annoying to me, ... sorry to say, as I never said I was a baby person...  But yes...  And so... 

Childhood, childhood found, child at heart forever, is where I can break and stay whole too, one and the same...  I have to find this and build it and if I’m too strange for anyone to be friends with, I just don’t care... Because a part of me feels its my own childlike nature that keeps me apart from all them..  

And I’d like to keep my childlike nature, however incomprehensible, and however strange a childlike person they’d see me as and even if they don’t see me as being childlike and innocent...  because I know I am childlike even if they don’t see it, don’t see how my mess and profusion is childlike even as it is blended with my pain and dark faith and my breaking strong sort of expressions...  

But it’s childhood, and I should know, having spent almost all of the past 6 plus years totally immersed with raising my child.  

I know childhood and this is the me I’m finding and building myself from, becoming,... and simply, piece by piece, day by day a bit at a bit at a time,... I’m growing this...  

It is just me, and ...  I grow from the pattern imprinted into my cells, and or my soul...  And so ... 

So, I’m growing a life and world around to last into old age, or as long as I may live at least...  Without fear of death, eternal child no matter what fate, not resisting death or disease, so just like an animal in this manner.