#the children of Caterina de' Medici. fun times.

[marianomoreno]

i need to stop projecting fun dynamics into historical people but to be fair some of them are historically constructed and theres nothing i can do about it

[inky-duchess]

21 History Ancedotes for my 21st Birthday

So today I celebrate my 21st birthday and I have decided to gift you all with 21 of my favourite historical Ancedotes. Some are funny, some are sad and some are plain bizarre but I hope the make your day 💜

Mary Maloney, an Irish-born suffragette in England followed Winston Churchill around while he was campaigning for a seat in Parliament, drowning out everything he said with a very large bell and calls for him to apologise for his comments on women's rights and suffrage movements.

Clodius Pulcher was a well born Roman noble during the last day's of the Republic. He gave up his Patrician status to become Tribune of the Plebs (an office in which one had to be a Pleb) by being adopted by a much younger Plebian man who became his "father". Clodius was a bit of a riot, sneaking into religious festivals dressed like a woman to sleep with Caesar's wife, building a shrine to Liberty in the ruins of the Conservative Cicero, vetoed the last speech of one of the Consuls (who basically did nothing all year and was apparently going to roast Caesar) and burned down the Senate House with his funeral pyre (the Plebs who loved him literally tearing up the furniture to build his pyre). He was honestly the best fun.

When laying on her deathbed, Queen Caroline of Ansbach turned to her husband George II of England and told him he should marry again. George refused to ever wed again... But added he would have mistresses. Caroline said , likely with a roll of her eyes, "oh my god that doesn't matter."

Florence was a pretty cool city in the Renaissance until Savanorola came to town. He disliked the loose living artists that crowded the city, with their naked pagan gods and rampant homosexuality. He expelled them all with help of the French hoping to make Florence Holy Again. When the Borgia Pope excommunicated him and sentenced him to death, one man in the crowd was reported to have said. "thank God, niw we can return to sodomy." One Floretine man in the 1490s said Gay Rights.

So this list couldn't be complete without an entry of the only American politician I love, Alexander Hamilton who was just a walking entity of sass. I could go on about his sharp sarcasm or his disaster bi vibes with John Lauren's but my all time favourite Alexander Hamilton ancedote has to be this exchange with Thomas Jefferson "There are approximately 1010300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly explain how much I want to hit you with a chair."

Caterina Sforza was an Italian noble woman during the Renaissance. She was apart of the powerful Sforza family, which drew many enemies to her. One fateful day at Forli, Caterina's children were snatched as hostages. The besiegers threatened to kill her children if she did not cede the castle. Caterina refused, lifting her skirts and shouted to the besiegers that she had the means to make more children.

Hannibal Lecter's creator Thomas Harris was happy to end his great character's story with the original trilogy. However his publishers forced him to write an unneeded prequel explaining why Hannibal became Hannibal. Thomas Harris agreed lest he lose the rights to his character so he wrote Hannibal Rising, where Hannibal as a young man hunts down the Nazis who ate his sister with a katana.

Nell Gwyn is my favourite mistress of Charles II, mainly because of her sass. Once while trapped in the middle of a riot where Londoners swamped her carriage thinking she was Charles's Catholic mistress. She popped her head out the carriage and told the people "Pray good people be civil. I am the Protestant whore." She also dosed her rival Moll Davis with laxatives in order to free up some of Charles's time and she once flashed her underwear at the French ambassador after asking him why the Franch King did not pay her to spy on Charles because she was with him every night. A true Queen.

Emperor Ai of the Han Dynasty of China once rose from his bed to go do some ruling when he realised his lover, Dong Xian was sleeping on his sleeve. Rather than disturb his lover, the Emperor cut his sleeve off at the wrist to leave Dong Xian nap. Nothing has ever been more romantic than that. Y'all could never.

Princess Margaret the sister of current Queen Elizabeth II was a socialable Princess and often tasked to visit the up and coming music stars of the day on behalf of the Crown. When meeting the Beatles one evening, she noticed George Harrison was acting a little odd. When she asked what was the matter, he replied "We arent allowed eat until you go." Princess Margaret laughed and promptly left so the Beatles could get some dinner.

During the Siege of Jadotsville, Irish soldiers under the flag of the UN were attacked and besieged by local insurgents allied with the Katanga Regime. The insurgents numbered thousands while the Irish only had 158 soldiers, all who were lightly armed. They radioed to their allies assuring them that "we will hold out until our last bullet is spent. Could use some whiskey though".

Napoleon was famous for writing raunchy letters to his wife, the Empress Josephine while he was away. She used to reply with really mundane letters or not at all. She really just could not be bothered with him.

Josip Broz Tito was so fed up with Joseph Stalin sending assassins to kill him, he wrote to Stalin personally to say "If you don't stop sending assassins to kill me. I will send one to Moscow and I won't have to send another." It didn't work but Big Dick Energy.

Successful Roman soldiers returning from war often got to march along in parades known as Triumphs. During this, it was customary for them to sing bawdy songs about their commander. One surviving one about Caesar goes like this "Romans, lock up your wives. Here comes the bald adulterous whore. We pissed away your gold in Gaul and come to borrow more."

Matilda, Lady of the English was a woman so badass that history cannot handle her. She was the daughter of Henry I who left his throne to her after the death of her brother. She was away in France when her father died and her throne was snatched by her cousin Stephen. They battled back and forth for years with neither side ceding any ground. Matilda was once besieged in a castle during a snow storm, with Stephen's men all around her. Instead of fighting her way out. She simply donned a white cloak and walked out of the castle. Just walked out without any of Stephen's men seeing her.

Pedro of Portugal once fell in love with a beautiful lady in waiting called Inez de Castro. For years, they lived as man and mistress, popping out a few kinds. Pedro's dad really did not like Inez and wanted Pedro to find a legitimate wife so he had her killed. Pedro returned home to find the mother of his children dead. Pedro went a little crazy. He had all his father's assassins killed, ripping out their hearts as they had done to him. When Pedro ascended the throne, he demanded the Pope legitimize his children by Inez. The Pope not wanting to upset the King, said he couldn't because Inez was never crowned Queen. Pedro dug Inez up and crowned her as Queen, having all the nobility swear loyalty to her corpse. The Pope had no choice but to agree to his request.

A famously clever general once saved an entire city with an ingenious stragety to sit outside the city waiting for the attacking army to come. The attack had come to fast for the city to ready themselves for a Siege so, the general had to move quickly. He evacuated the city and took his place waiting for the army to come. The enemy forces stopped and took one look at him and bolted, thinking he meant to lure them in one of his famous traps.

Michaelangelo was really badly treated by the Vatican when he was painting the Sistine Chapel. He constantly fought with the Popes over the design and his work, which he was paid peanuts for. Michaelangelo got his revenge in his work, painting the gates of Hell behind the Papal Throne and an angel flipping the ol' fig (the Renaissance version of the bird) toward the Pope's chair.

Peter the Great was not a perfect guy. He kept serfdom as a practise in his kingdom, he had his son tortured to death and he could be an unpleasant guy. But Peter was a dreamer. He wanted nothing more to build a fleet for Russia and bring Russia beyond its borders. Peter took a gap year from ruling Russia to wander around Europe. When he stopped in England, he was granted Leicester House to chill in while he did his shipwright studies. It was here that Peter found a new passion. The wheelbarrow. Cue Peter and his new found English buddies drinking in Leicester House, punching the artwork and rolling each other around in barrels across the house's Great gardens.

Diogenes is hands down a walking shit post. He was a great thinker in Greece during the reign of Alexander but a rather dry, sarcastic wit. He lived in a pithos/a jar because he shunned all vanities and values of society. He trolled other philosophers, attending their debates to heckle them and eat loud foods through them. When Alexander the Great came to fan boy over him, saying that if he were not Alexander he would like to be Diogenes to which Diogenes just said "yeah me too, now get out of my sunlight."

Cosimo de Medici was the son of a Floretine banker with a great knowledge and love of art. Cosimo wished for Florence to release its potentially and join the Renaissance. He hired Filippo Brunelleschi to finsh the Great Dome of Santa Maria del Fiore which had láin unfinished for over a century, a symbol of a failure of ambition. The builders had lost the knowledge of creating a dome so large so it remained unfinished. Despite much opposition from the other nobility and denouncers of the Renaissance, Cosimo's dream of the completion of the dome was completed, making it the largest brick dome in creation at that time. There is nothing like achieving your dreams and certainly nothing like leaving a lasting reminder that screams 'I was right and you were wrong' to stand for centuries.

[longmayshereign-rp]

      “Happiness is the one thing we Queens will never have”

Full name: Catherine de’ Medici Years of age: 42 Title / Rank: Queen Mother Nationality: Italian/French Face claim: Megan Follows { Negotiable } Availability: Taken

♔Biography

Catherine was born in Florence as Caterina Maria Romula di Lorenzo de’ Medici. Her family were originally bankers, and came to great wealth and power by bankrolling the monarchies of Europe. Her father was titled Duke of Urbino by his uncle and Pope Leo X.  Despite her father’s title, Catherine was of relatively low birth. However her mother, was the Countess of Boulogne and was from one of the most prominent and ancient French noble families. Due to this maternal heritage, Catherine benefited for her future marriage to Henry of Valois. Ever since she as little there had been talk about her marriage to the next King of France, and King Francis wanted her to be raised at the French court, but Pope Leo intended to marry her to his brother’s illegitimate son. After her parents death, Catherine was taken care of by her grandmother and when she passed she was looked after by her aunt and was raised alongside her cousins. When the Medici were overthrown in Florence, Catherine was taken hostage and placed in a series of convents. After years and years of long suffering, were people called for Catherine to be killed and exposed naked and chained to the city walls, or even suggested that she be handed over to the troops to be used for their sexual gratification, she was finally rescued. That experience taught Catherine to be a fighter, to never wait for a man’s rescue again and take matters inn her own hands, become harder and stronger. After her ordeal, she was taken to Rome to live with Pope Clement and was set to find a husband while recovering from the past experiences. Suitors lined up for her hand, and there were many and significant proposes, but when King Francis I of France proposed she married his second son, Henry II of Valois, Duke of Orleans, her care taker, Pope Clement, accepted the offer almost immediately, knowing that a marriage like this was the best for Catherine. She was married to Henry II of Valois at the age of fourteen. She did not see much of her husband for the first year of their marriage, but people of the court treated her well, impressed with her intelligence. After the death of Pope Clement, the next Pope of Rome refused to pay her dowry and that added more distance between her and her husband; Henry showed no interest in Catherine as a wife; instead, he openly took mistresses, and specifically Diane de Poitiers. When she eventually fell pregnant, Catherine devoted her life to her first child, Francis II. When she became a mother to more children, she found more happiness in that. She was a doting, caring mother, and did not fear to do anything and everything to ensure her children’s happiness and safety. It frustrated her greatly that Henry favored his bastard son, but the birth of their twins brought her and Henry closer. He would spend more time with her and their twin girls, until one day their wet nurse rushed to her in the middle of the night, crying because the babies were not breathing. Devastated, Catherine swore she would find out who did this to her baby girls.

Years passed and Henry and Catherine had grown apart. She would take lovers and even secretly gave birth to a baby girl, who, however, bore the same mark as her father and Catherine gave her to Nostradamu’s father in hopes of having it removed. When he failed, she was told that the baby girl had died. After that, Catherine accepted the young Queen of Scotland in her home and treated her like her own child, but when Mary Stuart was no longer safe in the French court, she was hidden away. Catherine would spend hours busying herself with politics, matters of the court, as well as her children’s education. She was often found conversing with the man she trusted more than anyone at court, Nostradamus. Years passed and when Mary returned to court, fully grown and ready to be wed to Francis, Catherine was hostile towards her due to a prophecy Nostradamus had given her. She did her best to postpone the wedding and everything worked in her favor. Her marriage was completely fallen apart now, as he husband had taken a new mistress, Kenna Fleming. Catherine laughed in Diane’s face when she was sent away from court, but little did she know that when months later Henry would fall sick, he would turn on her. She was openly defined and humiliated by the King. Eventually, he planned to have her killed, however, Nostradamus gave her a strong sleeping potion instead of a poison. Henry was already celebrating her death when she awoke and furious sought to punish Nostradamus. Recognizing the good he had one her, Catherine helped him escape, however Henry died only minutes after news of Catherine being alive reached him. She was very proud when she stood and witnessed Francis being crowned King of France. The happiness lasted only for a while, since the Black Death fell upon them, and Catherine felt it as a curse from Henry. Months passed and though exhausted and worn out, France was about to start getting on its feet again when a war with England broke out. Those were desperate times for France and afraid they will run out of resources, Catherine rushed to her sister-in-law, Marie de Valois, asking her to marry a rich Duke of the south in order to have his unlimited support at those hard times. When the war ended and the Duke helped the house of Valois stay strong with supplies, Catherine knew it was all her doing. Having accepted Mary as her son’s wife, Catherine urged Francis to marry Mary into a public, vast ceremony, and so it happened. Relaxed and feeling less needed, Catherine started seeking pleasure as well; she had always taken lovers, but she recently found that having two men that will bent to her every whim, pleases her greatly. Even if she had stepped back and let her son and daughter-in-law handle the matters of the court, she was ever so present, always knowing what was going on and doing her best to protect them and the Valois House, like she has always done. But after Mary’s miscarriage and the illness and eventual death of Francis, she started being more active once again. She mourned the loss of her son, but the was very limited since the hatred between the Catholics and Huguenots started brewing once again. Her main concern is to keep the House of Valois in power and guide her son in order for peace in France to be kept.

♔Virtues & Vices

protective, bold, resourceful

devious, deceitful, self-indulging

♔Relationships

Claude de Valois, Charles IX de Valois — Catherine is a very loving, doting mother. She has always put her children first and will always continue to do so. She cares about her children and is always there for them; sometimes even more than they would like her to be. After the loss of her oldest son, Catherine has become even more overprotective over her remaining children, and especially Charles who is now the King of France. Marie de Valois — She is ever so grateful to her sister-in-law for leaving the nunnery and her devotion to Christ and church in order to help her house and country in these hard and difficult times. The two women have a strong bond and are very close to one another, and thus Catherine knew she could go to her and Marie would understand the importance of that marriage. Mary Stuart — She may have mistreated Mary in the past, but now she feels better about her, in a sense. Of course, she is always cautious and watchful, but she trusts Mary with her son’s happiness as well as to be a good Queen for France and Scotland both. Isabelle de Beauveau, Madeleine Raison, Jeanne d'Argies — Catherine has personally taught those girl everything they know. She uses them to manipulate information out of important personalities and uses them to her and France’s advantage. Stephane Narcisse, Raymond Berengar — None of the men she is seeing is aware about the other and Catherine would like to keep things that way. She has fun with the both of them and sometimes uses them to, manipulating them into telling her things or doing things for her; with getting something in return, of course.

Gif Hunts: [x] Icons: [x]