#the ampunt of love i have for this man

[justdontforgetmyname]

Dad.

i know you've done wrong, but my heart knows no limits. i will love you forever and ever and ever. your childhood was so very hard and i would give anything to go back in time and make things easier for Gooma, my aunt and uncles, and most importantly.. you.

You are a truly amazing man and i am so mother fucking proud to be your daughter. you've sacrificed for family since your 7th year alive.. there is a limitles ampunt of honor that you deserve.things are just so hard lately and i feel unworthy of even being called your daughter. i'm suffering dad. i feel like i'm letting you down. i just want this pain to stop and the scariest part is that i don't think it ever will. ever since you told me that story, i've been in such a questioning place. you've gone through so much worse than i have and i kust cant seem to muster up the strength to defeat and/or just live with my sever mental illnesses. i mean, my grandfather couldnt do it, but you did and YOU STILLARE. i'm not as strong as you, dad.

[b1nibaddie]

my unhealthy relationship with money and my mother

i just got off the chat with my boyfriend, david, opening about my feelings about money and how my mother spends it. it did not help. opening up did not help. i feel more ashamed. i feel embarassed. i feel judged. he probably did not judge me, he probably didn’t care or think much of it, but personally, i feel so low and pathetic right now, opening up about that.

we’re relatively comfortable. we’re not poor poor, not as of the moment. most of my life i have been lucky enough to afford simple luxuries, good food, traveling, i dont know. extravagant things sometimes.

but there’s a big chunk of my life that i’ve experienced poverty, being so fucking pathetic, crying because i have no money left, crying because i have the exact ampunt of money, crying because i can’t afford stuff that i actually need, crying because i can’t afford what others can, crying because others have what i dont have and what i desperately need, resorting to borrowing, begging, asking and not returning or paying back, just literal shit in general. it puzzled me as a child or a young teen, how i could afford fancy food and travels at one point in life, and then in another, i can’t fucking buy a book that’s a prerequisite for a subject.

my mother and i have a shitload of issues. one of them is money. she has, (what i think) a habit of reckless spending. when we have money, she does not save. that’s why we afford trips, dinner out every fucking weekend, new this, new that, deliveries, et cetera. she can generate money. she gives and prioritizes other people for perhaps, charity, or i don’t know, to fill her ego and establish that she is the “successful sibling”.

what she also does is delve us into some real poverty shit. tinitipid nya ko. it sounds selfish for me to say this, but i realized it when i went to college. i thought, i am clearly capable— why cant i reach my fullest potential? why are there other single parents who can send their kids off to good schools? i learned to laugh my poorness off— make it some kind of joke. i dismissed being shit broke as some kind of being cool and practical. my defense mechanism was making myself look cool for being practical and street smart. what i thought of myswlf was, tangina, sobrang pathetic ko. i can’t even afford to buy DSM. psychology major, nanghihiram lang ng DSM sa senior. nagbebenta ng case test for extra income. nag paalipin sa boyfriend na mayaman. nag aral sa state university kahit pasado naman sa magandang school. pumapasok ng sakto lang yung pera. nanlilimos sa mga pinsan para sa mga luho na pinaghihirapan abutin. nanlilimos sa tito, sa kahit sino, para lang maafford yung mga bagay na meron yung iba, para man lang maka fit in. mangungutang, hindi na alam pano babayaran, mababaon na lang sa limot. hindi ko na mabilang yung mga oras na sobrang nanliliit ako dahil wala akong pera, dahil hindi ko afford, dahil hindi ko kaya. ok lang naman sakin. pero sana yung edukasyon ko na lang.

i got to this topic because of reckless spending. this is that period. this is the calm before the storm, ironically.

realizations for tonight: my unhealthy relationship with money stems from my mother, or at least a part of it. i don’t want to feel pathetic anymore. i don’t spend shit unless i have thought of it for at least 3 days. and even after spending, there’s some guilt in me. feeling ko, yung perang ginastos ko, magagamit ko someday sa mas importante, sa mismong storm. it’s an endless fucking cycle of that. hindi ko pa nagagastos, pakiramdam ko ubos na. sucks to say pero totoo, kuripot ako. maybe even a leech at times. tangina kahit necessary parang hindi ko mabring yung sarili ko na gumastos. hanggang kaya ko tipirin yung sarili ko gagawin ko.

hmmm... how do i end this? i want to end this with some dreams. i dream of nothing but to be financially secure, may kaya. i don’t even dream to be filthy rich, but to be rich enough to afford better opportunities for my loved ones, starting with my brother. ayoko na umiyak dahil sakto lang yung pera ko. i want to be financially independent. i want to be able to afford to fund important things. i want to change things and to turn things around.