#the “has: depression” makes me laugh but I wasn't sure what else to put

[mirasmirages]

Scars (part 7)

first previous masterlist

Has: depression

James and his family belongs to @starliight-whump

~

Julia knocked on his door twice before ignoring his silence and inviting herself in.

She sat on the edge of his bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Mmh." James pulled the blanket over his head.

"Come on, don't be like that." Julia tugged gently at the blanket. "When was the last time you ate? When was the last time you showered?"

James shrugged. He had lost count of how many days it had been since the letter arrived.

"Okay, well," Julia said, sounding almost teasing, "you have a guest, so if you want to shower before you see him, you have to hurry."

A guest? He didn't want guests. Who would he want to--

He sat up and stared at her in horror. "You didn't."

She smiled. "He's downstairs. Don't keep him waiting."

The sudden spike of adrenaline had James on his feet before he knew what he was doing. Henry was here. He couldn't see James like this!

He ran to the bathroom and turned on the water, frowning at the bottles of shampoo, soap and shaving cream as he tried to remember how showers worked. In the end, he picked up a bottle at random and immediately dropped it.

"Fuck!"

He knelt on the shower floor, opened the bottle and squeezed so soap spread out from it, then just kind of dipped his hands in it and dragged them across his body a few times until it had to be good enough. He didn't have time for this.

Out of the shower, he realized he hadn't brought any clean clothes, or even a towel. He scrubbed off roughly with the hand towel hanging next to the sink, and before he could debate whether to put on his dirty clothes, Julia knocked on the door with clean ones.

The clothes clung to his damp skin, and he glared at Julia before walking downstairs to meet Henry.

James didn't want to see Henry right now. He didn't want Henry to see him right now. He was just going to go downstairs, tell Henry it was a bad time, ask him to leave, and then yell at Julia for bringing him. And then he would go to bed and stay there for another week, at least.

Henry was wearing his librarian clothes today, and looked up from his phone when James reached the living room.

"James, hi," Henry said. "How are you doing? You stopped answering my texts, I was getting worried."

There was probably enough space between his sentences for James to respond, but he was having a hard time making his mouth work.

"I … sorry. I didn't mean-- I forgot to … charge my phone." Even James could tell it was a terrible excuse. He didn't meet Henry's eyes.

"Okay …" Henry said. "Look, if I've made you uncomfortable--"

James shook his head. "No!" His voice was too loud, and he cringed. "No, I. Just."

"It's not your fault," Julia said. "Something happened, but James still likes you, right James?"

James glared at her. "Stop it," he hissed.

"I'm not doing anything," she said, oh so innocently, bumping her shoulder against his. "Why don't you two sit down and I'll get us something to drink."

She left the room, and James and Henry stood there in awkward silence for a moment.

Henry stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked around the living room. "It's nice here. Is this where you grew up?"

"Mhm." James wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Look," Henry said, taking his hands out of his pockets and wiping them on his jeans. "I saw Julia at the library and asked if you were alright, and she invited me over. I don't have to stay if you don't want me to."

James shook his head, even though Henry leaving was exactly what he wanted. He just didn't want Henry to think James didn't want him there. He looked down and blinked, willing himself not to cry.

"It's just," he said. Swallowed. Wrapped his arms tighter around himself. "Not. A good time."

"Okay."

Neither of them moved or said anything, and a minute later, Julia came back with a tray of soda cans and glasses.

"You two are being quiet," she said, putting down the tray. "Were you talking about me?"

"Of course," Henry joked. "I'm learning all your dirty secrets."

"Rude. I'm just trying to help and this is the thanks I get. Come sit, it's weird to just stand here next to the couch."

James wiped his sleeve over his eyes. Maybe the banter would have been funny on a good day, but right now, it just made it clear how out of sync he was. He couldn't join them, couldn't play along and pretend everything was fine, but he also couldn't leave without making everything worse. There were no good choices. He felt trapped, even standing there in their open living room. His breath shook.

"James?"

Julia was in front of him, reaching for him. James jerked back.

"Don't touch me!"

"James, it's okay! It's me, Julia!"

"I know who you are!"

James was seething, fury battling the panic inside him. Why did she have to humiliate him like this?

"Why did you have to bring him here? I didn't want him to see me like this! Why can't you just leave me alone!"

Julia started to say something, but James didn't want to listen.

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it! Stop trying to help!"

He turned on his heel and ran to his room, slamming the door behind him.

-

Shit.

James hid under the duvet, his entire body shaking. Had he really just blown up like that in front of Henry?

Fuck.

He curled up, knees close to his chest. Why did he have to be like this? He had wanted to tell Henry about what had happened to him, not show him the results of it. And he had wanted to do it at a time he chose himself, not whenever Julia decided to stick her nose in. Just because she was his little sister didn't mean she could do whatever she wanted!

There was a knock at the door.

"Go away, Julia," he groaned.

"Sorry, it's me." That wasn't Julia's voice. "Can I come in?"

James froze. His mouth went dry, and even if he had known what to say, he couldn't make his voice work.

After a little while, the door opened and closed quietly.

"Hey," Henry said. "I think Julia knows she went too far. She feels really bad about it."

Yeah? Good. James would bet she didn't feel half as bad as he did.

Henry sighed. "She told me you haven't been feeling well lately and wanted to cheer you up, and she seemed to think that me coming over could help. If that was wrong I can leave, but if there's anything I can do, I do want to help."

If only James had decided to tell Henry earlier. If he already knew, then maybe he would understand why James was like this. But he couldn't, right now, even if he wanted to. He just laid still, as if his body didn't have any connection to his brain.

"Can I come closer? Or, I don't know, can you tell me if you want me to leave?" A pause. "Okay, I'm just gonna, and you can yell at me for it later."

James could hear his steps on the floor, and felt the end of the mattress dip when Henry sat on the bed.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I know you haven't said anything, but I'm not stupid, you know? I can put two and two together. You're Nadir's friend who went missing."

Wait--Henry knew? How long had he known?

"I'm not going to judge you for having bad days. I still want to be your friend. And we can just pretend today never happened if you prefer, but if you do want to talk about it, that's okay too. You can talk to me."

James felt dizzy. He had to do something, say something, but his body just lay there, limp limbs and shoulders tense, unable to do anything in response to Henry's speech.

Henry patted the duvet and stood. "Okay, I'm not gonna bother you anymore. Text me sometime, okay? We can still be friends."

Do something, James screamed at his body. He's leaving! Do something!

The door opened. He just had to--

"Wait!"

James pushed aside the blanket and sat, in time to see Henry pause in the door.

"Hey," Henry said.

"Don't … don't leave?"

"Okay." Henry closed the door and came to sit at the end of James's bed again. "Is this okay?"

James nodded. He had managed to take back some control over his body in a moment of panic when Henry was leaving, but his movements were stilted.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

James shrugged. "I. I don't--maybe?" he said. Talking was hard right now. "How … when did you know?"

"I didn't know for sure, but I thought that might be it after I saw you with Nadir that time. I thought about asking him, but. I figured you'd tell me if you wanted me to know."

"I was … I was going to tell you," James said. "Before, um. When. After you sent the picture. But then."

The words stuck in his throat.

Henry reached his hand out, and James stared at it in confusion before he put his hand in Henry's.

"There's a trial," James said. Henry's hand was warm on his, making it easier to speak. "I have to witness."

"Is that why you stopped replying to my texts?"

James nodded. "I got a letter. With the date."

"I'm sorry," Henry said, holding James's hand in both of his. "That's gotta be rough."

"I don't want to see him again," James whispered. "What if he's there? I can't see him again."

Henry moved as if to come closer, but hesitated. "Can I--?"

James nodded, and Henry sat next to him, putting an arm around James's shoulders. James leaned against him, breathing in a faint scent of leather and tobacco.

"Did they tell you he's going to be there?" Henry asked.

James shook his head. "I haven't talked to anyone. Just the letter."

"I don't think they would let him," Henry said. "Especially if you tell them not to. It would be ridiculous to expect you to see him again."

Tears welled in James's eyes, and he turned his face against Henry's shoulder, letting his sweater soak up the tears.

"It's too much," he admitted. "I just want it to be over."

"I wish none of that had happened to you."

They didn't say much after that, but Henry didn't move away, and for a long time, James sat there, feeling almost safe with Henry's arm around him.

He blinked, and frowned in confusion. Had his room been that dark?

"I think you fell asleep," Henry murmured, his voice quiet in a way that sent shivers down James's spine. "I wasn't sure if I should wake you."

"Sorry," James said. "What time is it?"

"Almost ten. Your parents came home a while ago."

James would pull away in mortification, but that would mean Henry's arm wouldn't be touching him anymore, and his arm felt so good. James hadn't been this relaxed in months. "Do you need to leave?"

"Not if you don't want me to. Do you want me to stay?"

James nodded, rubbing his face on Henry's sweater.

"Okay. Do you want to sleep?"

He did want that.

Henry arranged them so they were laying together on James's narrow bed, with James as the little spoon and Henry's arm protectively across his waist.

"Thank you," James said, and it didn't take long for him to fall asleep again.

[graciegoeskrazy]

not dying, no, just lying

george daniel + daughter!reader

warnings: mentions of depression

a/n: slowly but surely making my way back. i read an article where he was talking about his depression and this idea popped into my head. ty to the anon who requested george n his daughter🩷

It was something Charli was honest with you about. You had noticed it before. Although you couldn’t fully grasp the idea of depression as a whole and everything George was dealing with, you could sense a difference in him. Nothing too drastic, but the small differences led to lingering thoughts that couldn't escape your mind. School nights often looked a lot like this these days. Your mom was in the studio while George was at home with you helping with homework, and making dinner (all the typical dad duties) while your mum worked late nights. So tonight wasn’t abnormal. George was answering emails on his laptop while dinner was cooking in the background. You were sat at the counter across from him, supposed to be doing your homework.

“Dad?” He shot a glance at you. “Can you come check my work?”

He nodded and came round the corner, putting a hand on your back and pressing a kiss to your head as he looked over the math worksheet in front of him, eventually taking out his phone to use the calculator app. You looked at him. He breathed heavily, taking sharp inhales and exhales. Compared to the happy smiles he was showing off when he was with Charli yesterday, he was completely different. He wouldn't smile or laugh. Not that anything funny was happening, but he wouldn't crack a joke, wouldn’t smile, would barely look at you. It’s another thing Charli tried to explain to you and another thing you couldn’t comprehend. The way it worked in your mind is he was sad when he was with you, and happy when he was with everyone else. You were the problem. You were the thing that made your father feel like this. It was al your fault. Or at least that is what kept going through your mind.

You spoke after a moment, unsure about how to approach it. “Daddy?”

“Hm?” He kept his eyes on his (or rather your) work, only quirking an eyebrow in your direction.

You thought once more before you eventually spoke. “Are you depressed because of me?”

That caused him to turn. His face turned to confusion. “What?”

You made eye contact with him, feeling as if you had your footing for the conversation. “Are you depressed because of me?”

He turned to face you fully. “When did that idea get into that brain of yours?”

You just shrugged.

He smiled and leaned down to place a kiss on your cheek. “No, my beautiful angel, I am not depressed because of you.”

You looked away in thought. “But do I…make it worse?”

George laughed, amused that you could ever think like this. “No!”

Your face turned solum. “Are you sure?”

He sighed and pulled your bar chair closer to him. “What in the world is making you think this?”

You swallowed. “I don’t like seeing you sad, and I keep seeing you sad ever since you’ve come home from tour and have been with me. So then I was wondering if you’re sad because of me?” A tear or two had fallen by now. He whipped it away like he always had.

“Oh, my love. I’m happy because of you.”

“Really?”

He smiled. A real smile. “Really. You make my life worth living.”

You looked down. George knew this was a ‘big girl’ topic for you. He and Charli always did their best when trying to involve you in things, but his one seemed a bit harder. He knew you tried his be as mature as possible and he admired that. He still wasn't completely sure how to go about this. “It’s a complicated thing, love. I can’t just shut it off most days.”

Your gaze still drifted down. “Hey.” He tilted your chin up to get you to look at him. “What I’m feeling, this sadness has nothing to do with you. You make me feel better. And I’m sorry If I ever made you think otherwise.” You nodded, “I love you, okay? More than anything.”

You finally smiled a bit. “I love you too, Dad.”

He laid a kiss on your temple. “Perfect score by the way.”

[stargazingcarol]

Into the blue, out of the blue.

Part one: Into the blue.

CHAPTER 3

Pairing: Jake Lockley x reader, Marc Spector x reader, Steven Grant x reader

Summary: You meet your neighbor and you're pretty sure he's American. But why is it that the next times you see eachother he speaks in a British accent. As you keep meeting you start falling for Steven. And then he disappears for a while and he's back and he tells you about Marc. But he also tells you about Layla. You really like Steven but now he's kinda married? What now?

Trigger warnings for the series: mental health problems, angst with a happy ending, fluff, slowburn. (A/N: i may add more warnings as the fic procedes).

A/N: In this chapter we see a little bit more of readers...problems. the moon knight system is not the only one with mental health problems/trauma. If anyone has any questions about the story my askbox is always open! Thanks for reading and also i DON'T do taglists. Sorry about that!

Chapter 3

Was it normal for a pair of people to become friends so fast? You kept asking yourself that. Was it weird that you were neighbors? You tried to shake the feeling that being friends with your neighbor was weird. Dr Williams told you it was fine, that friendships start at the oddest of places. That had made you sigh and stop your overthinking most of the time, sometimes it started up again but her words came to the front of your mind like a lullaby and you nodded like she was there saying them to you in real time.

As much as Steven had wormed himself into your life in the past few weeks, you could also feel him distancing himself, unwillingly it seemed. Almost not even noticeable by him.

He was missing more and more friend dates and sometimes you could cover for him, as in, lying to him, but other times you couldn't.

And you had to witness Steven's face falling, turning sad, distressed, sour. You tried to cheer him up sometimes but most of the time you couldn't. You will talk and his mind will be elsewhere. And you knew by the distanced stare he had, away from you, sometimes behind you, or other times at your eyes but he wasn't there, he was somewhere else and it was a little weird. You had to snap your fingers to get his attention. He would smile awkwardly and you would bite your lip and before he could say he was sorry for zoning out you would go back to your story.

Maybe his bad sleeping habits were getting to him.

You loved talking to Steven. You seemed to have lots of stories throughout your life and Steven just seemed to have facts about random things. He was very smart but he didn't seem like he had lived a lot. Which was weird because he was older than you. But you didn't question it.

The rare times he talked about his life he would talk about his mum, how good she was, making him his favorite foods and helping him colour drawings. Those seemed to be stories mostly from his childhood, though. It wasn't much detail but you treasure it with your heart.

The last thing he told you about her was that she seemed to be traveling, she sent him postcards here and there, telling him about her travels and how much she loved him.

The things about friendships was that at some point you started doing domestic stuff.

When Steven didn't work on Saturdays he would wake you up, completely cheerful and tell you it was cleaning time.

And one thing about depression was that sometimes you couldn't make yourself do stuff. Anything.

You were better yes, in a better mental state than years ago but even now sometimes you just couldn't make yourself clean your apartment.

"At least make me breakfast first." You had said the first time. With a tiny smirk as you hid behind the bedsheets, you had taken the sheets off of you and when you got out of the bed and looked down you had let out a tiny scream.

"I didn't look i swear" Steven said and after taking the pants you left in the floor the night before and putting them on, you burst out laughing and Steven looked between his fingers and slowly chuckled.

You did notice he was red all over his face and your heart soared.

The both of you have also began to go grocery shopping and the both of you have learnt a few things here and there about vegan baking. You have never done that before but it's nothing out of this world, most of the time it tastes very similar to "normal" baking.

Steven has cooked for you a lot, and you're excited to try new things and he is glad when you give him a thumbs up, signaling that you liked it. He always has a separate dish just in case you don't like what he makes you since you're not vegan yourself.

But all of these nice moments are a reminder that Steven did try to kiss you. Right? He hasn't made a move on you again and you can't stop thinking about it. It's there in the back of your mind like an itch you can't scratch.

He didn't seem like himself after it. Like it was a totally different person. How could that be?

Just last week you had gone to visit Steven and you had let yourself in, since a month ago he had told you you can make yourself at home anytime, you had brought popcorn to make in his microwave and a movie to watch in his DVD player.

It was almost nighttime and you had enter talking loudly and when you notice some ruffling, he woke up with a gasp from his bed and you just stared at him with your mouth wide open.

Steven needed like a second to know where he was and when he noticed you were in his apartment with a bag of popcorn looking at him. No. You were looking at his ankle restraint. Your eyes going between that and the sand.

He stared at you in what looked like panic and you closed your mouth, left the popcorn and movie in his desk and went over to his bed. You sat down and looked at him intently.

"Steven, are you sure you're okay? What's with the uh--" you looked at his ankle restraint, then to him. "Sand"

You looked genuinely curious and not judgemental and he gulped.

"I still feel-- I feel like, like I'm falling apart. Like my life is not my own anymore. I don't remember a lot of what's going on and I'm sure you're lying to me about some missed dates." He watches as you flinch at his words. "I'm sorry I'm sorry. I know if you're lying to me you must be doing it for my own good but I'm not sure that's good either. And i want to be okay but I'm not--I'm not sure what to do at this point" His hands go to the sides of his head and he pulls on his curls and you shush him, he sobs and you grab both of his hands softly letting go of his curls. he lets out a few sobs here and there and you wrap your hands around his.

"I'm not sure what to say, but I'm guessing it's become worse? Your sleeping habits?" You tilt your head a little and he looks at you with tears in his eyes.

"Yeah" he looks at your hands and starts to move his fingers against yours, caressing them. "I think i started sleep walking..." He whispers.

"What if you slept with me tonight? Or are you not sleepy anymore. Sorry I woke you up by the way." You make a face and he chuckles, he brushes his tears away.

"It's okay. I think... I think a distraction will be good. What movie did you bring?" He gives you the tiniest of smiles and your heart hurts so much for him.

You don't want to bring seeing up a therapist, you know not everyone likes hearing those words said to them. And you don't know how he will react if they come out of your mouth.

You don't know what to do. You're on a tough spot but at least the best you can do right now is be a good friend. A good neighbor.

So you excitedly get out of his bed and grab the movie, showing it to him. "Ta-da. It's the most best horrible disaster movie ever. 2012. Critics hated it and people got anxiety attacks from it. But don't worry it's mostly because it's about the supposed end of the world predicted by the Mayans. And that didn't happen so it seems silly now. But if you don't wanna watch it it's okay maybe we can watch something else--"

"I wanna see it. It's one of your favorites right?" He looks at you so tenderly it makes you want to take a picture.

His curls are on his forehead and there's still a bit of red in his eyes. There's a bit of hair on his chin and jaw that you know he will want to shave later. You wished, oh so desired, he would leave his beard grow. You bet he looked really... nice. Just imagining him with a mustache is making your toes curl and your breathing go faster than normal.

The question comes back to the front of your mind: does he like you? Yes or no?

**

"I guess that's what has happened lately in my life" you clap your hands on your legs, you feel the fabric of your jeans and pick on it. You're not looking Dr. Williams in the eyes. You know what she's about to ask you.

Dr. Williams hums and leans back on her chair, she looks intently at you, you can feel her stare on you but you're looking at the plushie on your side of the sofa you're sitting on. A monkey with a little blue jacket.

"By the way you're avoiding my gaze, I'm guessing you know what I'm about to ask you." You finally look at her and she's smiling, not in a bad intent way or anything. She's just, smiling.

You sigh and look at your fingers, your chipped nail polish being a distraction for a second before you look at her.

"I don't like him. I don't. I swear." You say.

"Like that?"

"Yeah like that. He's my friend. Nothing more. I was just curious to if he was going to kiss me or not" you keep avoiding her eyes and she lets out a chuckle.

From the corner of your eye, you see her adjust her glasses.

"And if he kissed you, would you have kissed him back?" That question makes you flinch.

You had been open to friendship, with anyone. You liked making friends. You didn't have much of those here after moving to London a few years ago. And making friends in your twenties is hard no matter what anyone says. But you weren't too...keen on liking someone again. Not after so so so many years of not liking anyone. Not after so much sadness that was brought to you by your sad teenage years.

You didn't think you were ready to face this part yet. You didn't want another....unrequited love added to the long list of unrequited loves that trailed behind you like a tail.

"No-- Maybe? NO. Absolutely not. No. No" You furrow your eyebrows in thought and Dr. Williams hums again.

"I sense some hesitancy in you. Do you want my opinion?"

You stay silent, looking at her shoes, black loafers that shine under the white light of her office. "On if I like him?" You mumble.

"Yes."

"I don't think so." You decide. But even if she doesn't say it you know what she would've told you. You could hear it in her voice in your head and everything. 'In my opinion, i think you do like him. And that's nothing to be ashamed for. He seems like a nice fellow. He may even like you--' LIES. You did NOT like him. And he did not like you. End of story.

"Well. Maybe you should reevaluate your feelings for him." Dr. Williams says and you groan, glaring at her and she chuckles. "Just saying. I'm your doctor after all. I'm supposed to give you tips on how to deal with stuff but if you won't admit some things then we can't move forward."

She gets up and leaves her file about you on the desk next to her. She fixes her clothes and turns to look at you. You're looking at her with an unreadable look on your face. Eyes distant. She sighs and sits down next to you, she moves the monkey plushie and she's about to put it away but decides against it. She grabs your hands and places the monkey and instantly you hold tightly to it.

"Liking someone is not the end of the world. And who knows, maybe he will end up liking you. And if it doesn't work out we can work through it. Me and you, together." She lays a hand on your arm and you look up at her with tears in your eyes that you're trying really hard to not let fall.

"I just don't want to go back to being so... blue, that i can't think, i can't take care of myself, i don't want to be... Depressed." A tear falls from your eye and Dr. Williams hugs you tightly.

It's not the first time she has hugged you but it feels as equally as comforting as it does everytime she does. Which is rarely.

You sigh and silently pray it's going to be okay. That you're going to be fine. And if not that Dr. Williams will help you if needed.

**

Sighing, you stare at your door for a moment, deep in thought. Lots of things are going through your mind. Lots of what if's. Good and bad if's. You shake your head trying to get rid of it. You don't want to think, you don't want to do anything but you need a distraction.

Taking the keys out of your pocket, you turn the lock and step in.

Just as you step in you feel something crumble under your shoe. You look down and move your foot, to see a paper on the wooden floors. You pick it up.

I will be gone for a few. Don't wait up for me. I'll come back.

- Steven

You furrow your eyebrows. Few? Few days? Weeks? Months? What the fuck?

[unhingedselfships]

Kimi feels like she doesn't contribute. Kadokura disagrees.

....

"I just worry I don't do enough."

Kadokura Kenshi was used to half tuning out Kimi's assorted mopings. He was good at listening just enough to reassure her adequately, while not actually paying that much attention to whatever she was whining about at the time. 

She was insecure, self loathing, had more issues than he had-

Not that he had any!

-and honestly just prone to spirals of depression.

She was his, and he adored her, but sometimes it wasn't worth giving all his attention to listen to her vent the same old worries.

This one though? This one caught his attention.

"Kimberly."

She fidgeted, she knew that tone. 

"Well I do. You do so much for me. And I'm just… here."

He stood, and she blinked at him as he paced across the floor, the girl suddenly a little nervous. He moved more when he was agitated. Though she didn't really need to worry unless he went entirely still. 

"Let's see here, shall we?"

Tilting her head in that charming, adorable, curious way of hers, he flashed her a smile, and began, ticking off fingers as he went.

“You cook for me, you’re a good assistant when I’m cooking, never in the way, always helpful.

You keep the house organized and spruce the place up, give it more personality than I ever bothered with but always keep my tastes in mind.

You help me wash and dye my hair, cheer me up when I’m in a bad mood.

You explain your silly little computer games to me - okay, I’m joking, that’s actually a favor I do for you. Listening to you explain your games, I mean.

But you pick movies for us to watch, and never mind if I tell you to pick something else.

You give me massages when I’m sore or sometimes just to be nice, and you hold me when I can’t sleep. 

You give me smashing advice on matters of business, and you listen to me carefully even when I’m ranting, and you trust my judgment, and you make me laugh with your very stupid jokes-“

He took a breath, glancing over at the girl. What flashes of her face he could see between her fingers, bashfully hiding, were a bright pretty pink.

He liked making her flush like that. 

"Carrying on,

You have great ideas about what to do with the garden, and you keep me company when I’m swimming."

Kadokura blushed, turning slightly embarrassed.

"You do the, ah, things with - the sniper things."

He shook it off and resumed his faux-stern lecture.

"You get between me and the dog when we pass a dog on the street - don’t think I haven’t noticed! 

And you make the best candies and pastries, and you even put them directly in my mouth when I’m feeling like a lazy ass. 

You scratch my scalp, which basically feels better than sex - don’t give me that look! 

You let me lie on you all the damn time, which I’m pretty sure has to get uncomfortable but you wait a long time before asking me to move. 

You encourage me when I’m feeling cranky, and you always have such - such nice things to say about me. 

You give me advice on my wardrobe, which, mind you, has actually helped me start conversations that resulted in new connections-“

Taking another deep breath and pausing to take a gulp of the drink she'd poured for him earlier. She'd collapsed onto the couch, burying her face into a cushion.

The dramatic stop-

or 'stahp' rather

-was just as endearing as her other cute quirks. She was so darling. His darling.

And he wasn't done. 

Humming, arms folded behind his back, he continued.

"Where was I, ah, yes,

You explain things so well. You always take the time to explain stuff that isn’t making sense to me, even if I’m getting frustrated, which, I know I’m not the most fun to be around, ok? 

And you try so, so hard to be flexible and adjust and you’re always putting me first. Too much, even. 

But you take baths with me, and you don’t complain about the weird mixed drinks I make up, and you make such nice faces, and it really cheers me up. 

You don’t even complain when I - when I become useless. You pick up after my messes and make sure I'm taken care of. 

You look out for my health, and - there are just a million things you do for me, Kimi. I'm not alone when I wake up. You go for drives with me, and you track down activities to do together and places to see, and you’re always willing to spend time with me-"

Kenshi cut himself off, turning away from her for a moment. In a way, it hurt, that she didn't realize her own significance. And thinking about all she did in plain terms-

It was a lot. Overwhelming. No one had ever cared so much. Feelings were confusing and sometimes upsetting but there was no denying. She loved him. 

It was so much. 

He cleared his throat, and turned back, faux-stern and ready again, "Anyway. That was the first half. Shall I continue?"

It was quiet, and he took a moment to check on her. One wide teary eyed visible, the other still smooshed against the cushion, lip trembling, she caught his gaze and reached for him.

"Oh! Sweetheart, no, don't cry," all fluttering hands and doting, he descended upon her, with soft shushing sounds.

Had he miscalculated? Hurt her? Again?

She tugged and he curled around her on the couch, hold tender and protective.

Her watery, "I love you," met with his quiet, "I know."

Her mumbled, "I don't deserve you," met with his fond, "I don't know about that."

Her clinging, "Stay with me," met with his certain, "Always."

Poor thing. Always so easily overwhelmed. Her emotions were always so big, so powerful. She didn't do things by half measures. He should have considered that before lecturing her. Or maybe she should have considered it before saying dumb things. 

Oh well. It didn't matter. She'd fall apart, and he'd hold her together. Just like she always did for him. They were bound to each other now. Normally he'd scold himself for being flowery and poetic like her but-

This was deeper than law and bodies. Than ceremony and tradition.

She was his, and he was hers.

And that, was that.

[firmaverage]

Wake up. Dread getting out of bed. Scroll through Instagram for 15 minutes. Finally get up, pee, put on some pants and head to the kitchen. Make breakfast. Make lunches for the kids. Bug them about getting ready. Take them to school.

Laundry.

Clean something.

Eat something.

Oh! The plumber is coming today, that's different.

Laundry.

Rinse and Repeat. Rinse and Repeat. For the rest of your life.

Or so it seems.

Having been a stay at home mom for the past 14 years, it feels like I have everything and nothing handled at any given time. My family desperately needs me for the smallest thing, then suddenly I don't exist. We laugh and have fun, I make brownies and they say they love me. Then I'm the worst mom ever, they hate me, they say I'm dumb.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Learning to let things go and not take anything personally has been a challenge, but a skill I've developed over the years. Learning to care for myself while I also care for everyone else... and the house.... and the dog.... and the yard.... and the fish....has been harder. Maybe I'll try hot yoga. I had a friend recommend it once and I've wondered about it ever since. That was 6 years ago.

I'm never really happy, never really sad. Never content and never strung out with stress. I just AM. I'm just there. Always there. Through holidays and birthdays. Good times and bad... lots of bad... I'm the Mom. I do it. And I cry by myself a lot.

I started writing this because I've never heard of a book, or even short story about a stay at home mom. She has no grand adventures, or epic romances. She doesn't have a secret identity or mysterious case she needs to solve. Scratch that, every thing that every person is looking for becomes mom's mystery to solve. I got really good at that.

Sometimes I dream about the past. Sometimes I worry about the future. Mostly I try to enjoy the present, appreciate what I have while I have it. Time moves too fast.

The number one thing I've learned about being a mom is that it's the best. And the worst. And the mediumist. But mostly Mom is loved and put aside. She is the back ground operating system that silently organizes life, making sure it runs smoothly.

The idea of stay at home mom has changed a lot. As a child I was taught that that was the ideal. So it was my goal to be a stay at home mom as long and I can remember. But times change. I've been pressured to "find a real job", that it's fulfilling to have something of my own. As if the 24/7 position I have is not my own. I've been pressured to get up before the kids and "take care of myself", because fitness only fits when no one else is around. (It is easier to be honest, but I am NOT a morning person.)  I've been told to clean more, eat better, meal prep, limit screens, encourage outside time, discourage swearing, keep up on homework, make sure the kids are in lots of activities but always have time for family. And be a sexy wife. When my body grew with babies, I was told to lose the weight as quickly as possible. I didn't. I was told to find my tribe, my village, and we would lighten each other's burden. I didn't. I was told to trust my gut instinct over what some "expert" says. I did.

Over and over and over I question, adjust, research, debate, and try to apply many different methods of taking care of my family. I put off my mental health issues until my husband wasn't sick anymore. I sought therapy for my son with anxiety. I walked and rocked my colic daughter from 5pm to 11pm every day for the first year of her life. I carry my families burdens and try to hide how much it is that I carry.

Being a stay at home mom is always. There is no clocking out. There are no vacation days. There is no banter around the water cooler. It's just me and my determination to do my best for my family. And it is never enough.

I don't say that in a negative, depressed way. It's just fact. I can never be all that my family needs, because I am just one person. I fill the gaps as much as possible, but things get through all the time. Like when I yelled at my 3 year old son to "Leave me the Fuck alone!" Like when my kids watched YouTube for 10 hrs one day (probably multiple days, I really haven't kept track.) Like when I had my first mental breakdown at 31 and cried all day. I highly recommend having a breakdown, it's very cathartic.

I've tried to make friends in every place I've moved to. It works for a while, but either I'm not good at making friends, or we just get really busy with our lives. Cuz I'm mostly alone. I volunteered to be PTA President. 1 month later the world shut down because of a pandemic. Being PTA President and a sudden homeschooling mom and dealing with a pandemic for 2 years broke me in new ways I still haven't recovered from.

My dog is obsessed with me. She small and fluffy so it's nice to have her on my lap sometimes.

The only time I really feel good is when I masterbate. And honestly I mostly do it so I can fall asleep faster. Does masterbation make everyone sleepy?

If you've read this far, many kudos to you. We are all so busy and have so many avenues of entertainment that an honest word vomit from me doesn't feel like the most popular thing.

I get crushes on men and imagine life with them, but I'm so ridiculously in love with my husband. The fantasies only last for a bit and then I look at his cute face during the ovulation era of my cycle and love him all over again. A week later I feel like strangling him and everyone else around me, but I've learned that's normal. And it passes.

Over the years I've had many jobs, mostly care giving. I've been deported (for not having the right visa... thanks a lot England.) I've had eating disorders. I've tried to dance again and mostly failed. Zumba was fun though. I was obsessed with ballet my entire childhood and tried to get my daughter into dance, but it wasn't for her. And that's ok. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 38 and finally put on medication that helped me focus. Is this how most people feel? You think about doing something and then just do it? Wild.

I grew up in a high demand religion, Mormon, and left that church. Left religion altogether. Became more lonely because my only social network was at church. Realized how much shame and guilt I carried. Realized that I don't know how to form healthy relationships, for the most part.

I stay up late and deprive myself of sleep just to finally have time to myself. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I feel like I should be better. I don't know what my kids need, but I feel like I should. I don't want to get another job, but they are older and my husband works from home and we moved to a bigger house so I feel like I should. I "feel like I should" a lot.

I don't know where this is going, but maybe that's the point. Things just are, they don't have to go anywhere. Maybe I share this, maybe I don't. I know there are those who feel like me, but the internet is daunting. I don't like putting myself out there. Not anymore. I have given so much of myself over the years that I cling to whatever I can whenever I can. Cling to anything that feels like it's just mine. Like typing midnight rants on my phone. I was almost kidnapped as a kid. I was sexually and verbally abused. I was psychologically abused. I was molested. #MeToo

That is why I keep my kids close. I keep myself hidden. I plug away at daily life and don't try to expand. I can't let anyone in, it's better to be lonely. It's better to stay at home. Mom.

[bthump]

You already talked a lot about it but, I don't know why Miura felt the need to keep Casca alive to make guts keep going on revenge because if not, he would abandon it, when she is the bigger obstacle for Guts to pursue his revenge. His own vollition was enought to continue chasing griffith, he abandonned Casca for 2 years before reminding she exists and when he gets to her again, her main reason to exists is to make Guts put aside his dream, and it's frustrating him more than anything else.

Interviewer: You put so much emotion into those characters, and when the Eclipse happens, they're all gone. That must have left some scars on you as the artist.

Miura: I was emotionally invested in each character, so I felt more depressed than scarred. And the story went way down in popularity with the readers around the time of the Eclipse [laugh]. Many readers were furious that I'd do such a thing to the characters they liked. My editor at the time was concerned but also of the opinion that we'd just have to follow it through to the end. The point I had to pay attention to was making sure the flow of the story wasn't completely severed with the Eclipse. That's why I spared Casca. If she had died and the serialization had continued for a long time, I feared the reason for revenge would become something of the past; and if Guts were to establish new relationships, then his incentive would waver. It may seem calculating and unpleasant, but it's because Casca's by his side that he can never forget the Eclipse.

2017 guidebook interview

Yeah lol I get what you mean, it never really rang true to me that Miura needed to keep Casca alive to remind Guts about the Eclipse. Especially when chapter 2 made it so clear that fighting ghosts every night that taunt him about being given to them fucks him up more than enough. And yeah, him traveling with her coincides with dropping the revenge campaign.

But to be fair Miura describes it here as more like a long-term thing - if Guts made new friends etc he'd eventually get over it, and I kind of get that in the sense of like, narrative arcs? Maybe I'm editorializing, but one way of reading this is that he wanted to keep Casca around so he has a catalyst to make Guts backslide eventually, after giving him an arc that isn't focused on revenge, with some character growth.

Because his incentive does seem to waver a bit during the Millenium Falcon and Fantasia arcs. Of course it doesn't seem like Casca's the actual inciting incident for Guts getting pissed off again now, even with her kidnapping lol, but he might've made her more prominent if he'd been the one writing it. It could also be something Casca related in the future that drags him down, something that hasn't happened yet.

Or he could've just been describing his initial motivation for keeping her alive, and referring to stuff like the Beast of Darkness' comments ("She's a sacrifice so you can continue longing for Griffith,") without ever making it explicit in the text that Casca's a reminder of the Eclipse for Guts.

Like, whlie I don't think Guts needed Casca around to remind him of the Eclipse necessarily, I do think it's a subtextual aspect of Guts' relationship to Casca during the last two arcs, which complicates the saviour/rescuee dynamic somewhat interestingly. It's cool if she's not really his inspiration to be a better person, but someone who prevents him from realizing his full potential to move on.

Thanks for the ask!

[centrally-unplanned]

I'm curious about the 'mythical “mid-production pivot” theory' that you mention Eva fans surmising. I'm given to understand that Anno took a darker and more psychological tack around episode 16, after reading a book of poetry about depression, and certainly the show's original proposal and the first draft of episode 24 seem to bear this out: Tokyo 3's destruction and Asuka's depression seem to have been later additions. Am I wrong or are you referring to something else?

You aren't wrong per se, it just wasn't nearly as dramatic a turn as these stories tended to suggest. By episode 24, for example, you already had Episode 16 full diversion-into-Shinji's mind; you already even have Episode 4's focus on Shinji's depression and 'auteur' delivery approach. So while there would be individual back-and-forth about individual episodes, and the show got edgier over time, it wasn't a large shift from the initial plan.

The specific draft of episode 24 you can see here; it was written by Akio Satsukawa, and most importantly never reviewed or approved by Anno. So its tonal shift isn't a directorial choice, instead just another creator's vision of the project, and one that was scrapped. I don't think it reflects strongly a debate about the show's direction - instead it can be viewed as bit of a leaked, unofficial document.

The poetry book you are referring to is Bessatsu Takarajima's "Understanding Mental Disease" - you can see some details on it here. The cited Newtype November 1996 interview I think really gets at how this was used:

Anno: I was stuck on Rei's monologue in the recap episode. One day, my friend lent me a psychology special of Bessatsu Takarajima. I was shocked by poems from that book. I was blown away. They switched my mind. Rei's monologue suddenly came to my mind.

It isn't really a depressed man trying to find solace that incidentally changed his work; he was hunting for inspiration for the show actively. So sure, reading this book 'changed' the direction in a certain sense; but only because the direction wasn't known and Anno was doing creative research, not because he was depressed and decided to change things up based on his own his turmoil.

Anno's depression was a bit more over the *production*, not his own mental health per se. He trying to Make It Work as an artist and hitting huge roadblocks at the end. Episodes 25 and 26 are absolutely different from the intended vision - but due to physical inability to complete that vision resulting from production delays, not a mood swing. He was at his most depressed after the completion of the show due to this, feeling it has drained him; his most famous "depression" comments are actually about that period:

After the television broadcast finished, I became worse and worse, and went to see a doctor. I even seriously contemplated death. It's like [I] was empty, with no meaning to [my] existence. Without the slightest exaggeration, I had put everything I had [into Evangelion]. Really. After that finished I realized that there was nothing [left] inside of me. When I asked [the doctor?] about it afterwards, [he said?] "Ah, that is an 'identity crisis'

There is also an interview with longtime Gainax staffer Evangelion producer Hiroyuki Yamaga where he pretty-much says Anno was exaggerating the drama in interviews for clout, lol:

On Anno’s severe depression, his “crisis of the soul,” as a motive in the development of Evangelion. YAMAGA: Well, I think Anno may have appeared in the Japanese media as you suggest; he’s made comments about wanting to die, and so forth, but at least from my perspective, things were never as serious as they appeared in the press. [LAUGHS]

Finally, and I don't have like one link or anything for this, but its just when you go through what we know of the production history, you can't really find a break point like this (outside of episode 25), there doesn't seem to be a turning point. All the themes are there from the beginning. Evangelion changed a ton during production, don't get me wrong, but here - look at the 1993 Evangelion Proposal document. The summary for episode 24 is:

Rei breaks down. Her secrets are revealed. At last awakened, the twelve strongest Apostolos descend from the Moon. Both Eva Unit-06 and the American continent vanish completely. Humans acknowledge their helplessness in the face of the Apostolos' crushing power. The promised time, when people will return to nothing, approaches. A human drama in the depths of despair.

Here is part of Shinji's character summary:

The young protagonist believes he can do nothing by himself, but, as new experiences change him and he is able to look reality in the face, he learns and grows as a person.

Naturally, we believe adults must give children self-purpose and the strength to act on their own, for the cause of passing on knowledge and technology. However, today's children can be found by themselves in front of the television, not interacting as part of a group. Other issues such as substance abuse, and never doing anything manually, leave children not knowing what they should do.

Children stuck in a reality wrought with pressures are left unable to act on their own. Are things really okay the way they are?

Its all there, right? Instrumentality, depression, commentary-on-otaku, etc. It was always the intent of the show.

I think this myth as I call it comes from the fact that episode 16 can seem jarring to audiences - but I don't think its jarring *thematically*, its jarring directorially. Some of that is the production getting a little stretched at that point; the abstract, introspective approach does require less animation cuts. But when Anno is asked about the dive-into-Shinji's-mind choice for the episode:

Anno: As far as that goes, I thought it was fine, but then when [the angel] speaks Japanese that was the end [of my initial conception]. Kaworu-kun had been prepared as a “human type” [angel] from the start, and I wanted to hold on to the idea of [an angel] conversing in human language until then. When I wondered, well, what will [Shinji] do after he gets taken into the angel, I wondered if this might be [his] chance for self-reflection. Episode 16’s “inner space”-like environment was the first [of that sort]. That went relatively smoothly.

Its like "oh yeah i was gonna have him talk to an angel, but I thought oh crap that will impact Kaworu's reveal too harshly, so what to do....ah, what about Shinji talks with himself?" This isn't a depression-pivot, this is just the creative process, the team was learning and experimenting as they went.

[luminouslumity]

THOUGHTS ON: BARBENHEIMER

Finally got the chance to see both (specifically, Barbie, Oppenheimer, and then Barbie again) and I'm glad I did! Watching them back-to-back was certainly an experience and I'm not even joking when I say they really made me think about life and all that it entails.

As someone who grew up on the old animated Barbie movies, I had a lot of fun watching the new film, especially when it came to all the doll jokes and references had me laughing more than once (Magic Earring Ken, anyone?). Kinda mad they didn't have any references to the animated movies though, or at least none that I'd noticed.

Speaking of Ken, wasn't sure about him being the villain at first, but I can see what they were trying to do and I thought it worked pretty well all things considered, that Kens have just as much of a right to live alongside the Barbies as the Barbies do them and not just in the shadows of each other. If this film is anti anything, I'd say it's anti-Patriarchy as well as anti-Matriarchy. Preachy, sure, but understandable. Really, I'm more annoyed with how this apparently went over so many people's heads even with how blatant it was; seriously, President Barbie even says the message of the film after the Kens fail, so how anyone could've misinterpreted it is beyond me! The only thing that comes to mind is when the Narrator says that the Kens will be treated just as well as women are treated in the real world, and to be fair, that statement alone can be interpreted in a lot of ways depending on certain factors, but I don't know, I feel like that should be a wake-up call more than anything.

Barbie herself was also really interesting, though throughout the film, I found myself wondering if she was meant to be the Original Barbie with an upgraded look or just a random Barbie who's basically just an amalgamation of all the others (like she says, she's what everyone else thinks of when they think of the doll). Either way, this certainly adds a whole new layer to the relationship between her and Ken because keep in mind, when the film says that Ken was created for Barbie, they mean it literally.

Going into a bit of history here, Ken Carson was created in response to the backlash Barbie was facing two years after her own creation for the horrific crime of... *checks notes* being single. Since then, Ken has had a few jobs of his own, but it's still nothing compared to Barbie's—this even becomes a joke in the Life in the Dreamhouse series, where the Ken in that series worships the ground Barbie walks on. Probably literally. This man didn't even get his own car until 2012! Then there was the whole seven-year break-up incident because Ken apparently didn't want to put a ring on it (yeah, Barbie has in-universe lore and it goes hard!) so keeping all this in mind, it's no wonder Ken seems to be as attached to Barbie as he is in the film, all while also struggling with his own identity as an individual.

Yes, I probably am looking too deep into a children's film about dolls coming into the real world. This is my life now.

The Mattel scenes were definitely one of my favorite things about the film, especially with how dedicated the CEO is when it comes to his job and how he genuinely wants what he believes is best for everyone, but my favorite part are definitely the scenes with Ruth, which absolutely had me crying! And hey, glad to see I was at least partially right! She made an appearance, just not in the scene I thought it was going to be (also, apparently the sweet old lady on the bench isn't even Barbara, it's costume designer Ann Roth).

Narrators also tend to be hit-or-miss for me, but I thought it worked really well in this film! I especially loved how self-aware the story is and how if you're going to try and make Barbie look ugly, Margot Robbie isn't the way to go. And the cutaway to Depressed Barbie? Hilarious, but now I low-key want that to be a thing lol! And just the world in general was super fun!

Honestly, if I had any complaints about the film, it would absolutely be the pacing. Sasha in particular seemed largely unnecessary and her turnaround to at least tolerating Barbie happened way too quickly, even if she did only want to help for her mom's sake. It would've been nice if the film had had at least one or two scenes where she realizes that while the Barbie brand has its issues that deserve to be addressed, it's also not as bad as what she'd originally thought it to be. And also, it would've been great to just see more of this world in general; after all, Barbie and Ken only spend time in LA for less than a day, and even then, it's only for a few hours at most.

Basically, I wish the film had been longer, but what we got was still great.

As for Oppenheimer, I never really have much to say about biopics, but I love history in general and am always fascinated when it comes to warfare and all of the ethical questions that come with it. This is also the first Nolan film I've actually watched, so I knew this was going to be an interesting time, at least. Let me start by saying that the special effects with the bomb dropping and tense silence afterwards were beautifully done and I thought the use of black-and-white for some scenes and color for others was a really nice touch too, as well as the fact that the film went beyond just WWII and that we get to see Oppenheimer deal with the guilt he'd faced afterwards. I also always forget that Einstein would've still been alive during the time most of the film takes place, so his appearance was certainly a surprise, but a pleasant one nonetheless. I was also wondering in what context the "I am become Death" line would come up, so the fact that the film actually addresses that it comes from Sanskrit rather than suggesting it originated from Oppenheimer himself was such a great detail! Overall, a great film about a very complicated man!

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

Nothing makes me feel old like realizing that I like Oistrakh quite a bit more now. When I was young, my favorite old master was Grumiaux and I felt like Oistrakh was specifically the kind of dude you appreciated more when you got older. (Very normal teenager opinions to have there, Marve.) And welp, here I am. I dunno, I think it's a particular flavor of warmth that didn't resonate with me when I was young and hungry and perpetually teetering on the verge of burnout.

Story time because fuck it, it's my blog I do what I want (but still under the cut to be nice about it):

If you're familiar with the Bay Area, the reason why I have such insane memories of high school orchestra class is because I went to Lowell. Yeah, that Lowell. Put a bunch of overachiever kids in a pressure cooker magnet school and you get some highly competitive orchestra classes. The first violin section, unsurprisingly, was made up of the cream of the overachieving crop, most of whom were planning on being either pre-med or engineering in college even though they could have easily all been music majors. And then there was my dumb ass once I made it to the first violin section, LOL. I honestly wasn't sure I was even going to make it alive to the end of high school to have a career. Violin was my lifeline and I threw everything I had into it, for better and worse.

The hilarious irony about all of this is my parents were actually not as proud of my violin achievements as they pretended to be. I don't know if I've conveyed to you what a bunch of insane freaks they were, but according to their plan I was supposed to become a piano prodigy. So when I decided in middle school that I hated piano and wanted to play violin instead, it was not received well. To their credit, once they saw I was serious about it they did get me my own instrument and some private lessons, but my mom did try to convince me to quit at several points, and my dad still has an entire-ass complex about it.

Hell, I was ambivalent about going to Lowell at all. I applied because my district assigned public high school was just that bad. That other school eventually was shut down for "underperforming", that's how bad it was. Knowing that Lowell had a good music program was my consolation for all the other shit I was about to put myself through. The secret of Lowell is that it's not the teachers or the facilities; both of those things were absolute shit when I was there (the music teachers were all cool tho). It's the kids. They know the reputation of the school they're going to. They know they'll be expected to apply to prestigious universities when they're seniors. It's the kids who are, sometimes literally, killing themselves to play this ridiculous rat-race game that they've been set to by their parents.

This is all to say that at a time in my life when I had very little control over anything and was profoundly depressed about it, I realized that I did have control over how much and how often I practiced, so I just kinda... maxxed that out. Time in the practice room was time spent on the one thing in my life that didn't suck nearly as much as everything else. It was time spent somewhere safe. It was time spent cultivating hope for the future. I used to describe it as an "emotional crutch" in a very ableist way when I was younger but now I look back on it in the sense of a more literal mobility aid, as the thing that kept me moving when I would have otherwise collapsed.

You know, I still don't feel "qualified" to say that violin has been a major part of my identity... despite it being my first act of rebellion, despite me pulling a literal Ling-Ling up the violin ranks in high school because I felt like I had nothing else to live for, despite somehow finding my way back to it after decades of being convinced I was done... don't laugh, but I still feel like I really should be better at violin than I am for all the meaning it has held for me. I gotta find that solution for my right hand issues, man! I have to make up for lost time! I have to git moar gud so the Muse will notice me. Haha whoops my hand slipped there-

[multiversxwhore]

☾☾☾Hello! Hope you enjoy what you’re about to read, I would appreciate if you like, and reblog my work here on tumblr. Please do not share my work anywhere else, and if you see it has been, or someone is claiming the work as their own please tell me. My master list is pinned to my page if you wish to see more! ☽☽☽

Pairings: Damon Salvatore x black!oc

Disclaimer: This story will diverge off the path of cannon so far that it’s basically a whole new story. I had to re-do this fic and bring it back because I felt I was doing myself a disservice by glad assing it. This is me being a villain just so you’re aware lmao

Word count 3k

The Allure of Darkness

Chapter 1

Dear diary, today, I return home to Mystic Falls. It's been 3 years since I've been gone, and Bonnie has been keeping me updated with everything that's been going on in my absence. She finally found out the truth, that vampires are real, and they’re in Mystic Falls. Caroline is a vampire, Elena's boyfriend is a vampire, and his brother Damon is a vampire as well. Looks like we've got our work cut out for us don't we?

-Blaise

Bonnie pulled up to the Boarding house dorms with Elena riding shotgun. I can't believe how much they've grown, I mean the last time I saw them, we were all in middle school. Elena seemed more and less depressed at the same time, why do I get the feeling Bonnie forgot to tell me something.

"What's up hookers, how was the drive?" I was scooting into the small back seat, Elena isn't exactly skinny, but she was smaller than me. She could have totally gotten her ass back here.

"It wasn't bad, a lot of grass, I think me and Elena have heard every single song to have ever been played on the radio." Bonnie jokes putting the car in reverse backing out of her parking space, then she speeds off out of the parking lot.

Elena grinned at me from the rear view mirror, holding up a bag of junk food. I'm tempted to reach out and grab the hot Cheetos, then my hand unconsciously grabs my tummy fat.

"Nah I'm on a diet, I wanna actually fit in my Miss.Mystic falls dress this year." I say jokingly, but I was being totally serious, I don't want my dinner rolls coming out before the main course.

"You're not fat-"

"Shut up you're gorgeous-" Both Bonnie, and Elena say at the same time, all three of us laughing.

"Thanks girls, any who where's Caroline, planning her perfect future wedding?" We all giggle again knowing how uptight and pristine she is. I kind of miss her too… her bitchy attitude was like a breath of fresh air boosting my confidence.

"Actually I have no idea, the last time we saw her, she was with Tyler, god knows what they're doing." Bonnie said, making a disgusted face, I chuckle a little knowing the horny Lockwood kid.

"Ugh I'm glad he's finally with someone, I remember in middle school he was always asking to touch my boobs. I'm just glad it's finally someone around to give his horny ass some." All the girls burst out in laughter, Elena practically in tears. They all enjoy the rest of the road trip as much as they can before being sucked in by the drama of Mystic Falls.

"Hey, Blaise, wake up, we're here, we're home." Bonnie's voice calls softly, opening my eyes to her standing in my door. My neck feels stiff, I sit up slowly, I notice we're at Elena's.

"Uh Bonnie, this is Elena's house ." Maybe Bonnie has gotten dumb, oh god I hope not.

"I know, we wanted to throw you a little ‘welcome home’ dinner party, well… Elena did. Everyone missed you so much, we didn't wanna wait for school tomorrow to see you." Bonnie explained, and with an excited look in her eye. I couldn't say no to that, I easily gave in and agreed.

"Okay fine, good thing I brought cute clothes, we're definitely having a sleepover right?" Bonnie giggled, pulling me up to the door, ringing the doorbell. "Duh, I'm sure Caroline has a whole lot to talk about, she's definitely gonna make up for lost time." Before I could say anything the door opened, and an all grown up Jeremy Gilbert answered the door. Damn, he's not the emo kid I remembered at all, and now I see why Bonnie left this part out. She probably wanted Jermey all to herself, but if she wasn't going to speak up on her own, I'll just have to make her.

"Wow, you got taller Jer, like seriously when did you start eating your veggies." I joke playfully touching his abdomen, he grins like a goofy little boy. His dimples present making him more attractive, before Jeremy never smiled as much. Especially since his parents died, so I kind of forgot how handsome he was.

" I started eating them when I realized I wanted to get strong enough to do this!" Suddenly his arms are wrapped around my waist, and he's lifting me up off my feet. Our bodies pressed together, I could feel his muscles through his shirt, his arms nearly crushing me. Finally, he puts me down, my hands still holding on to his neck. My fingers playing with the soft hairs in his head, I didn't mean to get lost in the moment, but I did.

It's been a while since I was held so softly by a man, though Jeremy was still somewhat childish by nature. His body, though, felt so mature and strong, and his eyes kind, and warm. My stomach is twisting and turning, making it feel like butterflies are dancing within. His hands lowering down my back, I feel this magnetizing pull, it's not strong, but it's there. Then, we hear someone cough, my heart jumping out of my chest I immediately pull away feeling embarrassed. I didn't even realize Bonnie had walked away till now. I instantly felt bad, I made a mental note to find her and apologize for being a hoe.

"Geesh! Get a room you two." Turning I see a blue eyed Matt Donavan. Matt was one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. He was always himself, and he never changed in a good way of course. Though, he too did grow up, not as big and tall as Jeremy though,but still taller than me. Automatically forgetting about Jeremy, I turn to Matt bringing him in a tight hug. Matt finally lets me go, being the respectful young man as usual, a grin on his face.

"You should probably go get ready, or Caroline will have your head on a platter. We'll talk to you later, Blazer." Matt finished putting emphasis on my nickname, which I only got because I accidentally set my parents house on fire killing them both inside. I allowed all dark humor as a coping mechanism, however Matt was the only one brave enough to keep that up. Laughing at his stupid joke, I back up from both the boys making my way upstairs. I don't have to turn around to know Jeremy's eyes are glued to my ass.

"Welp, I'm still not sure who's all coming, but I guess I should wear something cute." I say to myself. I feel bad for throwing my things all around Elena's room, but I'm sure she won't mind. I decided on a black pleated skirt. It comes a bit to my knees, and black graphic tee shirt with Jason Vorheese on the front. I decided to wear tights. I slip on my high top vans, deciding to accessorize with a leather collar, with a closed lock dangling from it. My mom's pentagram necklace catches my eye. It has a dark red crystal in the middle, I never knew what it meant, she never told me. She just said to always wear it, and that it would protect me.

"Hmm, didn't protect me against Dru, but whatever." I put the necklaces around my neck, it burned a bit at first, but it always does that. I bet mom charmed it somehow. Gee thanks mom, give me a charmed object and not tell me how it works. I roll my eyes looking at myself in the mirror. I decided not to bother with makeup, but I do put on a layer of lip gloss. Satisfied with my hair up in a pineapple, and my outfit being just a smidgen of slutty. I put away the rest of my stuff in my suitcase, coming out the door, I suck in my breath when I see Bonnie locking lips with Jeremy. As much as I didn't want it to, the feeling of jealousy bubbles around inside of me.

As they pull away Jeremy sees me first, a flustered look on his face. Bonnie turns and sees me standing there, she seems embarrassed, yet satisfied with the look on my face. I smirk knowing I'm better at being a bitch than she is.

"Wow Bonnie, how un-ironic you suck faces with baby bear right outside the room I'm getting ready in. As usual Bon, your reactions are always a second too late...real classy though, but if you're gonna be a slut, follow through." I say, my tone sassy as I tease them both. I could feel my skin getting hot, the longer I stood there Jeremy stammered trying to explain himself. I rolled my eyes heading down stairs, I could smell delicious smells coming from down stairs.

"Blaise!!! Oh my god you look so damn hot, I missed you!'' I could hear Caroline's voice from the living room, I couldn't help but giggle. Caroline had her flaws, but she's been herself. She sped across the room to me, meeting me halfway into the living room. Matt, and Tyler had some kind of football game on the gigantic Tv. You could hear them bickering about draft picks, and which teams would be going to the playoffs.

"I missed you Care, they didn't have any blonde white bitchy girls at the boarding school I went to." As much as I love being a Black girl, being surrounded by nothing but other Black people made me realize how much culture a lot of us in the community is lacking. They were all so misinformed about alternative culture, and how we were the ones that made it popular. Being at that school was the first time I had ever gotten bullied, and I hated it. If it wasn't for my mom tying me to Bonnies life, I would have committed suicide a long time ago.

"Blaise, I want you to meet Stefan." Elena called to pull me out of my mini depressive episode. I come around the into the kitchen where who I assume Stefan

"And his more handsome older brother." Called another voice sarcastically from the kitchen. I rolled my eyes even though my curiosity peaked, I do anything to get my mind off the past.

Standing in the kitchen rather awkwardly, was a brooding young man with dark sandy blonde hair, thick dark eyebrows, and beautiful green eyes. His lips pressed together in a straight line, an intense gaze towards an older looking, smug faced man.

Elena coughed, poking her elbow in the broody one's side, he immediately looked up at me. A smile plastered to his face, as he leaned forward to shake my hand. I mirror his movements, this must be the boyfriend Bonnie mentioned, she spoke very highly of him. She told me his name was Stefan, and at first she didn't like him, but apparently Stefan has proven himself to be a good little vampire.

"Stefan Salvatore, Elena, and Bonnie told me a lot about you. It's finally nice to meet you." I smile, a warm feeling in me knowing my friends still cared about me even though I was sent away. As soon as we touched hands, I felt my spine tense up. I try to pretend like I'm not affected so I don't offend him. I think Stefan noticed, but didn't bother to say anything. Thankfully he didn't bring it up, I gave him a weary grin.

"I'm sure you already know my name, but I'm Blaise, you may call me ‘Blazer.�� " I say, wiggling my eyebrows. Stefan seems a bit shocked by my suggestiveness. There's a look in his eye, as if he's laughing at his own inside joke.

"Yes, and I'm Damon Salvatore, Stefans older brother, I didn't know Bonnie had a sister." Damon introduced himself, I prepared myself, I just knew I was going to get the same reaction. I was right, I had the same feeling when I shook Damon's hand, but the feeling wasn't as strong. The shiver down my spine was accompanied with a fluttery feeling in my stomach. If I could blush I would, the way he's looking at me...like he might eat me, I feel my body getting hot again. I pull away from him, yet again not noticing my surroundings getting lost in the moment.

"We're not sisters...cousins, our moms were sisters." Damon smirked a bit, his ice blue eyes piercing me, giving me a chilling feeling. It's weird, I've never met anyone who's been able to cool me down in such a manner.

"Interesting...are you a witch too." He asked jumping right to it. Caroline raised her hand ready to smack Damon across the shoulder. I stopped her, it was funny how Caroline was my designated body guard. Bonnie didn't say anything, she just looked at Damon in disbelief he'd be so blatantly rude to someone he doesn't know.

Bonnie already asked everyone not to bring up any supernatural stuff, or the fact that Blaise was a witch. She didn't wanna upset her cousin, and trigger bad memories from the past.

"You are such a tool, dinner hasn't even started yet, what's wrong with you-" Caroline had started fussing, but I cut her off.

"I can speak for myself, no I don't consider myself a witch anymore because I no longer practice for reasons that are none of your business. I don't know what your intentions were of asking me that, but don't think you'll be able to use me to your bidding like how most vampires treat witches. From this moment forward I'm asking you not to test my temper, I've been known to get quite...fiery."

They all responded with silence knowing what I meant by that, once the fire happened everyone in town knew it was my fault. My mom warned me about my temper, how I'd end up hurting someone if I didn't calm down. That night, I was throwing a fit because my dad wouldn't let me go to a party with Elena.

Which ironically, was the same night Elena and her parents went off Wickery bridge, killing both her mom and dad. Ever since that night, Elena and I have been morbidly depressed, and I choose to make jokes, and cry about it behind closed doors.

The rest of dinner went by smoothly. Caroline was the one that cooked so dinner actually turned out decent. I wanted to help at least with the pie, deciding the apple would be the quickest. Matt, Jeremy, and Tyler were the first ones with their plates out for desert. All three of them had such fat boy energy when it came to food. Especially Jeremy, he'll eat you out of a home if you're not careful. No wonder he's so tall and stocky all he does is eat and work out.

As I'm standing there washing the dishes, I hear someone approach from the doorway. I turn with my hand out assuming they're bringing me a dish. It's Damon standing there with a guilty look in his eye, I can't help but roll my eyes, Damon let's put a puff of air.

"Look...I'm sorry, I wish I had some witty, cute excuse as to why I was being nosey. I don't I-" I rolled my eyes, I could tell he was being genuine.

"It seems like you don't apologize often...it's okay neither do I. You can give me the glass, I'll wash it for you." I say, he speeds towards me showing off his abilities, I smirk and Damon wiggles his eyebrows at me suggestively. Suddenly, I remembered who I was trying to get over, though I'd feel bad if I just ended up using Damon without warning. Maybe I should just test the waters...what if he's not even into me?

I lean towards him a bit, the tightening feeling in my spine from earlier showing up again. I ignore it trying not to embarrass myself, noticing that he's not trying to look at my boobs nor has he really tried to make a move towards me. I lean back a little bit feeling like maybe I'm being too slutty. Damon steps forward keeping the gap at a safe 4 inches.

"I'm surprised you haven't tried to look at my boobs, or fill me up yet, most boys do." I say actually shocked, maybe I wasn't his type, as if he read my mind, Damon replied.

"You're definitely my type, I love women, it's actually quite a problem. But my darling I'm not a boy, plus I'm 178 years old, I've had more than my share of tits. I've seen them in every shape, shade, and size, though I will not lie, yours seem heavenly. I may be a lot of things, but I'd never disrespect a lady without her consent." His eyes seemed to have become a pale blue, even more icy than before, quite literally making me freeze in place. His voice heavy, as if he's drooling, I notice his eyes flickering towards my neck, suddenly my heart is beating wildly. It's as if he's quietly begging to bite me, everything in my body is telling me to call out for help. Though the logical side of me knows he'd be so fast, I wouldn't be able to get it out.

"Damon..." At a loss for words, I say nothing else, his eyes dart back to meet my reddish brown eyes. His pupils dilated, they're slightly turning bloodshot red, veins starting to appear under his eyes. I was shocked, it seemed like he had so much control a moment ago.

"I don't understand why I feel like this, I...barely know you, and yet..." Damon closed the gap between us, his hands coming around my waist bringing me closer to him. Damon trapped me between the kitchen counter and his hips. Suddenly thrown into a panic I begin to wonder why the hell no one has come to save me yet!

"I won't do it, I promise you, I'll behave, but I want to taste you so bad. I wonder if your blood is as hot as your bitchy little attitude. Please tell me you feel just as drawn to me, as I feel to you." Damon demanded an answer for me, his eyes never leaving mine, and his hands stayed exactly on my lower back.

I'm usually really good at reading people, but Damon had taken me utterly by surprise. The way he spoke to me turned me on so much, I'm sure my panties were a bit wet. Unable to speak, I just shook my head giving a silent agreement. I did feel it, our connection was immediate, I try to think back on all my memories, and I know for sure I've never met Damon Salvatore before now.

Suddenly he looked me directly in my eyes, his cold slender fingers wrapped around the back of my neck so I couldn't look away. His pupils dilated, and he spoke to me in a hushed tone.

"You'll only remember I came into the kitchen to give you one last dish, and then I left. Everything else that happened after that, you'll only remember if you and I are alone together. Do you understand?" I couldn't think of anything else other than what he was commanding me right now, and I shake my head obeying. I blinked my eyes and suddenly I was standing in the kitchen by myself, with the water still running. I turn it off and join the girls in the living room. I have this weird feeling looming over me, but I ignore it, shaking it off.

[idyllicserendipity]

"Heeeeey, Dum-Dum!" He sneaks up behind him again. All with that relaxed air, lazy stride (if not for the detectable bounce in his step), and hands tucked out of sight—almost as if Kokichi actually doesn't intend on spooking him, but if he does...? Oopsies! (Then we're both in for a treat!)

Despite there being plenty of open seats—"plenty" in this case meaning all of them—Kokichi sidles on in between the one Kaito occupies and an empty one that would be perfect for his little booty if not for the other option. Which he takes up quickly. A confident little plop! right atop his astro-nut's knee.

"So, get this." Kokichi loops an arm around broad shoulders. "I came across this suuuper lame piece of garbage the other day, and I was like 'Man, what the heck am I supposed to do with this crap? Even the landfill doesn't deserve this,' but then—! I thought to myself"—he leans in some, bumping his head against Kaito's temple—"'Hey, I know a lamer! Personally!' Here you go! ♡"

Abruptly, from the hand still hidden behind him, Kokichi tosses a dark hakama right over Kaito's head. (And yes, he realizes it doesn't go there, stupid: he has a different plan.) Before the boy can so much as react to the assault, Kokichi cleverly yanks the indigo fabric right over Kaito's eyes, leans in to plant a speedy kiss to his lips, then springs up in the space of a breath.

"Happy birthdaaaay~! ☆" he cheers, and is no sooner racing away with a maniacal laugh. [[We're a little bit early, but I didn't want to end up late! ;w; ALL THE LOVE FOR THE GOOD SPACE BOY !!! Happy birthday, Kaito!]]

⭐❤️ HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAITO MOMOTA!!! (12th April) ❤️⭐

MAYBE IT WAS SELFISH OF HIM TO THINK THIS WAY, but Kaito didn't think that he would wound up celebrating his birthday in here. Even as a few of the others' birthdays have since come and gone, the teen didn't think that they would be stuck in here for as long as they have. Not when time itself was still of the essence. And especially when he... still haven't yet gone into space.

And the realisation would strike him nearly as hard as a blow to the gut that morning, when those annoying ass Monokubs actually ANNOUNCED that it was his birthday. Almost like some dumb workplace tradition, that would just leave nearly everyone of them feeling all the more awkward and uncomfortable than they already were. And anyways, if anyone wanted to remember it, all of their birthdays were already recorded clearly down on each and everyone of their Monopads.

... Still, he really shouldn't be thinking this way. Heck, he should just be thankful that he and the others would get to live another day. And as he would remember how much effort they have since begun put into every one of their friends' birthdays. Making sure that it was truly a worthwhile one, and not be just another thing for them to get depressed about, whilst trapped in here... that was what mattered. For them all to continue STICKING TOGETHER, as they worked together to make it safely oughta this place.

And so, Kaito would decide to simply start the day off like he would any other. Heading straight to the dining hall upon leaving his room, and putting together some breakfast for himself while he waited for everyone else to arrive. Making himself some UDON, this time round, with all his favourite garnishing thrown right in there. Just the way he likes it!

... And just the way his GRANDMOTHER used to make it for him each year... With vegetables freshly grown and harvested from their very own farm, it wasn't all that surprising that her udon would always be the very best in his books.

... Just, wait for me, okay? Please be okay... I miss you both so much.

Instead of digging in like he had planned to prior, Kaito would simply find himself gazing down towards the steaming bowl of noodles. Already knowing that it was a bad idea to dwell on these thoughts for long, but having a hard time stopping himself now that he did.

Though thankfully, however, he wouldn't be left alone with them for long. As an all too familiar voice would resound throughout the halls themselves.

"Ah-- Kokichi."

While his acknowledgement would lack its usual energy then, Kaito would noticeably relax. Having just been snapped out of that dazed stupor he had put himself in, as his chest WARMED at the very sight of him.

... Sigh, it was just like this guy to make him feel both hot and cold at the same time. For this guy to make him wanna pull him into a tight, affectionate squeeze, but also give him a hard, chastising shake by the shoulders (Not that it would do anything, other than further entertain the little gremlin), with each word that would escape those lips of his. It truly was an interesting sight, to somehow see both DELIGHT and EXASPERATION alight that lilac gaze of his.

And as the other settled himself atop one of his knees, all he would simply do then, was hold him in return.

"... Seriously, dude? You're gonna give me garbage?" Especially on his birthday? C'mon, man!

With pink lightly dusting his cheeks over how quickly the other seemed to be making himself comfortable then, his initial frown would begin to soften... Only for it to soon after be replaced with something a little more deadpan. As he couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes, with each insulting statement that would so effortlessly spill past those lips of his.

Though, he would let out a small sigh, as the other brought himself that much closer to him. Hardly (Foolishly) paying attention to what the other was saying, by this point. As the touch of his head to his temple, would cause the taller to ever so briefly nuzzle him, while he still had the chance...

For of course, these things never tended to last for long, not with his boyfriend.

"HEY, WHAT--"

How. The. Hell. Had he kept that hakama completely hidden away from him, this entire time??? He had a feeling that he had been hiding something, from the moment he had stepped in here, but NOT THIS! And as the fabric engulfed his entire head and concealed his sight, Kaito (And Kokichi) was lucky that his chair hadn't tipped back then.

And before the poor astronaut in training could even fully exclaim his shock, his lips would be silenced by another pair. Leaving them merely agape but a second later, as a humorously wheezy little gasp would escape the taller male. Just as the other would lift himself off him after that much too brief of a kiss.

And while he barely had a moment to comprehend everything that had just happened, Kaito was already flinging that damn thing off his head. As he got out of that chair, and started running after his boyfriend without a second thought. Leaving his birthday udon, for the time being, untouched.

"Uuuugh, get back here, you lil' shit!!!"

@falsiliar ❤️

[the-invisible-queer]

THIS IS ME RAMBLING ABOUT JOSEPH SO I'M PUTTING A CUT AS TO NOT BE ANNOYING ON YOUR DASHES

I'm emotional rn for some reasonnnn

The logical side of my brain looks at him like he's just some guy and I've seen better looking men

But the part of my brain that communicates with my heart is the bitch steering

And idk how to explain my attraction to him

Sure part of it is having an actual physical attraction to him

When I say he is the blueprint of my type and men I'm attracted to that's not a joke

But it's so much more than that

Here's where the stupid delusional parasocial relationship comes in

I've been (more or less) keeping up with this dude for 17 years

Longer than ANYONE else

Watching interviews, listening to his music

I admit I'm in love with the IDEA of him

I don't know him personally and let's be real I probably never will

But from the persona he puts on the man makes me soft

Most of my celebrity crushes begin and end with physical attraction

But there is something about Joe and Paul that I've never been able to explain or even understand

And I purposefully stayed away from Joe BECAUSE I knew that the deep love I had for him when I was a tween never died as much as I tried to claim it did

He meant so much to me back then

He means a lot to me now

For the past 4 years since I downloaded TikTok I was on a corner of Jonas Brothers TikTok

And I was on a slippery slope of falling back into the obsession which I fought against but this past August I gave up because my mental health was declining and I needed a metaphorical life raft because Paul's music wasn't bringing me the comfort it used to

So I figured if the Jonas Brothers could save 12yr old depressed suicidal me why can't they save 26yr old depressed suicidal me

And they did

The Jonas Brothers have always been one of my favorite bands both because of nostalgia but also I genuinely do love their music

With the way my brain works in two months I could look back on this post and laugh at how mentally ill I am about Joe

Or maybe he really has replaced Paul as the parasocial love of my life and I'll be like this for the next decade at least

Who fucking knows?

What I do know is I am so grateful for this guy and his brothers

And while sometimes this fixation annoys the shit out of me and I wish I could think about and listen to anything else I am glad it happened again

I've gotten new writing inspiration

I'm making edits again

I have a strive to get my life together and to get better mentally

Hell, I even picked up trying to learn Spanish again

My relationship with my own brothers is the strongest it's EVER been

And that's because of all three of them but more specifically Joe

Because let's be honest I'd have never become a JB fan in the first place if I didn't think they're 17yr old tambourine player was cute and could sing nice

I can write a whole essay on the power Joe's voice has on me but that's for another day

[allthingsfangirl101]

Top Gun - Baby Mav Chapter 6: Nothing But Rumors

Masterlist

The second Maddlyn and Maverick walked into the bar, Maddlyn wanted to leave. Rooster and the other trainees were in the corner of the bar.

"Can we go somewhere else?" Maddlyn mumbled. Maverick looked over, his eyes instantly landing on the group of trainees.

"Come on," he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her over to the bar. "You told me this morning you wanted to see Penny. We'll sit and talk to her for a little and then I'll drive you home."

Maverick sat down but Maddlyn didn't move. He laughed as he patted the bar stool next to him. "Come on, kiddo. One drink."

When she still hesitated, Maverick grabbed her hand and pulled her next to him. Hangman turned and saw this interaction.

"Holy shit," he chuckled.

"What's wrong with you?" Rooster asked. Hangman nodded, the others following his eyeline.

"What?"

"You've gotta be kidding."

"No way."

"Come on," Phoneix sighed. "You don't know."

"Don't know what?" Bob asked innocently. Phoenix laughed and leaned over, whispering an explanation in his ear.  "Oh."

"Maddy!" Penny squealed as she ran out of the kitchen. She handed the drinks she was holding to another waitress and ran over to Maddlyn. She completely ignored Maverick as Maddlyn and Penny hugged.

"How are you?!" Penny asked. "You look amazing! I thought you said you were never going to come back."

"I wasn't planning on it," Maddlyn shrugged. She crossed her arms over her chest and turned towards Maverick. Penny copied Maddlyn's stance.

"I needed her help," Maverick shrugged. "Hey! It was your idea."

"What?" Maddlyn giggled. "Traitor."

Penny shoved Maverick and kissed Maddlyn's temple. "Let me get you your favorite drink, cute girl."

"Thanks, Pen."

All the while, the others were making inappropriate jokes about Maddlyn and Maverick.

"I gotta give him credit," Hangman laughed. "The old man got a gorgeous girl."

"I bet she's got moves in bed," Payback smirked.

"Don't talk about her like that," Rooster snapped.

"Calm down," Payback rolled his eyes. "It's not like she can hear me."

"You got anything to say?" Rooster asked Phoenix.

"I mean. . ." She hesitated. "She came out of medical leave for him. It's a little. . . curious. Don't you think?"

"No," Rooster said instantly. "I don't think."

"Tell me, Roost," Hangman laughed, wrapping his arm around Rooster's shoulders. "You've known Maverick your entire life. How does it feel knowing he can get a girl like that and you're still single, lonely, and depressed?"

"She's not his girl," Rooster said, his jaw slowly tightening.

"Not for long," Hangman said in a singsongy voice. "She's making the decision as to who's flying the mission and who the mission leader is. I plan on flirting her into my bed and convincing her to choose me. Over and over and over again."

Rooster's anger turned boiling. He roughly shoved Hangman away from him, washing his anger down with the rest of his beer.

"Not if I get to her first," Payback laughed.

"Hangman, Bob has a better chance at Maddlyn than you do," Phoenix laughed.

"Hell, I bet Phoenix has a better chance than you," Fanboy laughed.

"I wonder if he needs a walker," Hangman giggled, "or a nurse after. Then again, Maddlyn is probably his nurse."

"Are you sure they're even a couple?" Bob asked.

"A weird one," Fanboy scoffed.

Rooster couldn't take it anymore. They were over-sexualizing his best friend and the man who helped his mother raise him. He glanced over at them, sitting at the bar, talking. Five years ago, he would've been with them.

"I could show Maddlyn a good time," Hangman laughed. "Make her forget all about that F-18-20 flight. Or put her back into the two-week coma. I doubt Maverick has ever gotten her to. . ."

"He's her father," Rooster snapped. His eyes widened when he realized what he'd said. He looked up at his friends and Hangman to see them staring at him wide-eyed.

"He's her what?!" They yelled. Before Rooster could stop them, they ran over to Maddlyn and Maverick.

"You're his daughter?!" They yelled the minute they got to them. Maddlyn looked at her father, half-glaring, half-pleading him to end this.

"Guys!" Maverick yelled, cutting them off. "Yes, it's true. Maddlyn is my daughter."

"That explains you," Payback said under his breath so only Rooster could hear. Before Rooster could punch him in the face, Hangman spoke up and asked the one question Rooster wished he had never heard.

"Maddlyn, I have a question," Hangman smirked. "Is it true that the night of your graduation, the guy who got second ranking, attacked you?"

It seemed like the entire bar froze. Maddlyn looked into Hangman's egotistical eyes, wanting nothing more than to punch that smirk off his face.

And she did.

The group gasped when Maddlyn punched his jaw. He caught himself but was shocked. She took a step closer to him, lowering her voice even more. Her angry glare dropped as she fought her tears.

"You don't have to be such an ass all the time. And you especially don't have the right to talk about things you don't understand."

No one bothered to stop her as she turned on her heel and ran out of the bar. The group glanced at Maverick who was watching his daughter.

"Maverick?" Rooster stuttered. "Is it true?"

After a brief moment of silence, Maverick sighed, "It is."

Everyone glared at Hangman. "What?" He asked innocently. "Not like I'm the one who attacked her."

"You brought it up," Phoenix said instantly.

"What happened?" Bob asked shyly.

"I'm not entirely sure," Maverick said softly. "All I know is what I saw."

"You saw it?" Rooster asked.

"Halfway through the graduation party, I couldn't find her. I eventually went looking for her, and when I did, I heard a scream. When I found her. . . He was on top of her. . ." Maverick's voice changed. "I tore him off and had him dragged out in his underwear. Maddy was in shock. When I went back to her, she was on the floor, hugging her knees. I sat next to her and wrapped my arms around her. That's when she broke. You should know, my daughter is not much of a crier. Before that night, Maddlyn hadn't cried since her mother's funeral. After that. . ."

Rooster couldn't listen to any more of this. He turned and ran after Maddlyn.

[casspurrjoybell-27]

Claimed by the Beast - Chapter 10a

*Warning Adult Content*

Feed the Demons - Part 1

- Knox -

"Feel any better?" Knox asks after lying in silence with Everett for almost an hour.

"Yeah," Everett softly replies. "I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with, so thanks for staying with me when you didn't have to."

Knox succumbs to the tugging at the corners of his mouth, breaking out into a smile.

"As if I'd rather be anywhere else."

The pull Knox feels toward Everett is bordering on otherworldly.

A traumatic event brought them together and now Knox can barely stand to be away from the boy.

He isn't sure how he ended up spooning Everett on his bed but this is the position they wound up in after Everett's crying fit ended.

Knox would laugh at himself if he wasn't still upset about whatever the fuck it was that triggered Everett.

Finn had placed the blame on Scar but Knox prefers to do his due diligence before falling for hearsay.

Something obviously triggered Everett and Knox has never been more determined to get to the root of the problem.

And if push comes to shove, eliminate it.

"Before I lost my shit and freaked everyone out, Finn explained to me the reason behind why you claimed me," Everett says, his fingers drawing made-up shapes on Knox's hand that's resting at his waist. "He also referred to you as The Beast. Is that your official nickname around here or something?"

"Or something," Knox grumbles.

"I didn't get to ask Finn about the meaning, so what's the story behind it?" Everett questions, and he doesn't miss the way Knox's body tenses behind him. "I'm sorry. You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable."

Knox sighs at the apology, unconsciously nuzzling his face into Everett's curls.

He's been here for a while, so his natural scent has mixed with Knox's cologne, creating a unique smell that makes Knox's head spin and core tingle in the most delicious way.

"It's more so about not making you feel uncomfortable," Knox says.

"God, is it really that bad?" Everett asks.

"Yes," Knox answers with another sigh. "I've done things over the years, a lot of sick and twisted shit, that will grant me a permanent spot in Hell when I die. Contrary to how I hype up the club and my brothers, I'm not a good person, Everett. I'm a monster, a fucking savage with no remorse. I may not have been born this way but it's who I am now. There ain't no changing me."

Everett turns around at that, facing Knox.

"There's still some good left in you, Knox. A lot of good. I wouldn't be here right now if there wasn't."

"You give me more credit than I deserve, kitten."

Knox smirks but this time, it doesn't reach his eyes.

"Me calling myself a monster isn't some depressive statement to gain pity points, it's a fact. The things I've done to my enemies... they're unrecognizable by the time I'm finished with them. And you know the worst part? Sometimes I take pleasure in delivering pain. It feeds the demons that keep me alive."

Everett doesn't respond right away, just stares at Knox while he tries to paint a picture with the man's morbid words.

If he ever finds what he's looking for, Knox can't tell but Everett speaks a few seconds later.

The question he asks this time, oddly enough, is one that Knox has never gotten asked before.

"Would you classify your enemies as being bad people?" Everett asks.

"Every single one of them?"

Knox's jaw ticks while thinking of his answer.

Face after face after mutilated face rushes forward into his conscious mind, along with a few repressed memories that evidently had not been buried deep enough.

"My brothers and I don't harm women and children," Knox responds. "All the men I've put down, they ranged from drug dealers to sex traffickers. So, yeah, they were bad people. The world is better off without them."

"Then maybe what you're doing isn't so terrible," Everett says. "Despite how you do it, cleansing the earth of bad guys doesn't sound all that horrific to me. You're neither a monster nor a beast. You're just... Knox."

Everett smiles, poking at his broad, still very much bare chest.

"My big, annoying panda."

Knox chuckles, relaxing a bit as the darkness of his past drifts back to where it came from.

"How long do you plan on calling me that?"

"How long do you plan on calling me kitten?" Everett playfully counters. Knox doesn't respond.

"That's what I thought, panda. I wonder how your brothers would react to hearing me call you that instead of The Beast. Bet they'd get a kick out of it."

Knox laughs.

"The fuckers wouldn't let me live it down, so let's keep it between us for now."

It feels like Knox has entered The Twilight Zone and he isn't sure whether to stay or look for a way out.

He just confessed to being a heartless killer and sadist, so why hasn't Everett run out of the room screaming?

People are smart enough to steer clear of Knox based on his intimidating looks alone.

His resting bitch face is no joke.

Though, for whatever reason, none of that seems to phase Everett anymore, which further piques Knox's curiosity about the boy.

"So, uh, where'd you go earlier?" Everett asks, averting eye contact. "After we almost, you know... were about to do something we shouldn't have."

"You mean kiss and fuck?"

Knox arches a brow as Everett's cheeks redden.

"I'll never force myself on you, Everett. You ran into the bathroom because you weren't ready to do more with me and that's fine. When the rational part of my brain kicked in, I left to give you some space. Hell, I needed it, too. I think we can both agree that we're too fucking explosive together when riled up like that."

Everett nods, still blushing hard.

"Everyone is probably upset about us skipping out on our party. This isn't how I wanted my introduction to the club to go. I'm sure they all think I'm some kind of a nutcase now..."

"No one here thinks that," Knox interjects, speaking with assurance.

He gently grips Everett's chin, forcing their eyes to meet.

"And you shouldn't either, understand?"

Everett nods again, his eyes drifting from Knox's eyes down to his lips.

"Careful, kitten. Trouble happens when you look at me like that." "Sorry."

Everett scoots away, putting distance between them.

Before Knox can scold himself for ruining the moment, his cell vibrates in his pocket.

"One sec."

He sits up in bed to read the new text from Finn, informing him that Scar has rejoined the party.

A hard scowl settles on Knox's face as he stands to leave the room.

"I need to take care of something important." He pauses when his hand touches the doorknob, looking back at Everett.

"Will you be okay on your own while I'm gone?"

Everett sits up on the bed and immediately begins fiddling with his fingers.

"You're not leaving the property, are you?"

"No, kitten," Knox says, smiling. "I'll still be in the house."

"Okay. I'm fine here," Everett says, studying Knox's demeanor. "You look tense all of a sudden, so... be careful doing whatever it is you plan on doing."

'It ain't me you should be worried about.'

[anon-horsey]

For Yourself, By Yourself.

TW: suicide, self harm, mental health

Since I was 13, all I've wanted was to just go to bed and never wake up. I was 16 when my school got involved, which pretty much forced me to get in therapy and on meds. I was on that shit for more than 2 years. I'm now almost 20.

Am I still depressed? Absolutely. Do I still dread waking up every morning? Yep. Do I still think about what it would be to just not exist? 100%. Do I still think I'm faking it? Yes, yes I do. Sure I'm not actively harming myself or thinking of throwing myself off a balcony anymore, but depression? I don't think that ever goes away. If I'm being honest, I don't know if I want it to. Its been a pretty major part of my life for the past almost 7 years. Probably more, but its not like I can really remember much of anything. I mean, think about it. Why am I doing the course I'm doing at uni? Not because I'm particularly motivated or anything...I just haven't had a solid career aspiration since I was like 8 because at some point I stopped wasting my time worrying and planning for a future I knew I wasn't going to have. Now, I'm almost 20 and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'd be lying if I said this was never a part of the plan because truth be told, there never was a plan to being with. I was too depressed for that shit.

But well, the point of this isn't to write about my depression. Been there, done that. I even thought about typing out that whole book of depression poems to post on here. Because like I said, still pretty depressed. But this depression...it isn't the same depressed that I was when I got diagnosed and put on meds. Sometimes, I think my meds didn't get rid of my depression, they just...changed it.

Recently, though, something changed inside me. I'm not quite sure what it was; I'm not even in therapy or on meds anymore. And nothing majorly revolutionary or tragic has happened in my life either. So hell if I know what changed. This summer, I decided that I was just done. I've been done for a long time. Done with the world, done with myself, you get the picture. But this was a different done. Now, I'm just done with people. I think I've realized that the less I put up with other people, the more I can keep my own peace. The less energy I spend in someone else's crap, the more energy I have for shit I want to do. And yes, for once, I actually want to do something. But I digress.

There's this really cheesy quote I saw on Instagram that even 6 months ago, I'd have laughed at. But I think that might have been the “something” that changed inside of me. It goes “I'm working on myself, for myself, by myself”. Cringy, I know. I spent so much time with myself this past year. Not a first at all, but I actually actively spent that time with myself. And you know what I realized? People aren't reliable. Every single person, even people I've considered my best friends, have consistently not shown up and not put in the same amount of effort that I'm putting in to our relationship. Which would be fine if they weren't also the first person to get triggered and spiral when I start putting less effort into said relationship. My best friend, she and I don't regularly video call or anything. Our love language, so to speak, is sending each other shit post reels on instagram. Guess what though, I still absolutely love her and our relationship has done nothing but improve.

On the contrary, my ex-best friend. I hate to say it, but our relationship has not survived the long distance test. She's changed. I've changed. I'm not going to comment on whether either is for the better or worse because I think that's an entirely subjective matter. But believe me when I say I've tried. I've tried to make this work and she just doesn't want to. And a year ago, I would've given everything I have to make it work. Stayed up till 4AM when I had a class at 9 just so I could accommodate her schedule. But I'm just bloody done.

Basically, people don't show up. Not your best friends, hell not even people whose job it is to help you. When I moved into my apartment, I asked 2 people for help with certain things. Both of them said yes. Neither showed up. I did it on my own. So, what have we learnt over the past year? People don't show up and at the end of the day, its you. For yourself. By yourself.

So let this be the year (academic, calendar, whatever) where you stop showing up for people who've stopped showing up for you. Where you prioritize your peace and sanity over that of someone else's. People have never shown up for you. They've shown up for themselves. Its about time we all did the same.

For ourselves. By ourselves.

Leaving you with a little NF quote:

My mind is a home I'm trapped in And its lonely inside this mansion

[eimikomii]

Haikaveh au where alot of men have a crush on Kaveh and they all wanna court him but Kaveh has a huge crush on Alhaitham and the problem was alhaitham doesn't give a crap about the dudes that wanna court his senior... Or does he ?

...

Kaveh tries his best to make alhaitham jealous but alhaitham doesn't show signs of interest Infront of him which makes him depressed

But everyone knew Alhaitham liked Kaveh back. For everyone else, it was more than obvious yet he himself doesn't admit it.

Among the suitors, one stood out to Kaveh. His name was Tartaglia, he treated Kaveh as what Kaveh wished to be treated by alhaitham. The two got closer as Tartaglia always makes sure to put a smile on Kaveh's face. Telling him about his family, his siblings, which touched Kaveh, who was quite fond of children. And yet, despite admiring Tartaglia, his heart was still hoping for Alhaitham but he questions himself if he should finally move on from his junior.

Alhaitham had a different opinion. He felt something was off the moment he saw the man on his doorstep, taking Kaveh out on a date (not really). Digging a little, he was able to find out the man was Childe, the no. 11th of the Fatui Harbingers.

Alhaitham confronted Kaveh about Tartaglia's secret but as usual, Kaveh was stubborn. He didn't want to believe Alhaitham's words, especially when he found someone who he can finally love other than Alhaitham. Why would Tartaglia, a sweet caring man be part of the Fatui ?

Kaveh storms out but before he could meet up with Tartaglia, he knew Alhaitham had never lied to him. Which bothers him more. Should he trust the man he loves yet leave him in an unrequited love ? Or another man who cares for him, but has a dark secret ?

Kaveh confronts Tartaglia about the dark truth. Tartaglia gave him a sad smile as he revealed the truth to him. Kaveh asks if everything he said was a lie but Tartaglia holds his hands and looks at him directly into his eyes, telling him he has never lied to Kaveh. Everything he has told him was truth and truth alone.

Kaveh believes him but before his heart was completely snatched, Alhaitham has finally shown himself. He pulls Kaveh in a kiss, which surprises both Kaveh and Tartaglia.

"dummy, were you really about to replace me?" alhaitham asks as he looks directly into Kaveh's gorgeous ruby eyes. Kaveh starts to tear up as he pushes alhaitham away.

"what are you doing ?! Why are you playing with my heart like this ?! You're saying as if you know I love you yet you've always pushed me away !!! What do you want from me alhaitham?!" Kaveh asks as more tears fall down his face, before Tartaglia could speak and comfort Kaveh, Alhaitham swiftly pulls Kaveh back in his arms, glaring at the ginger.

"Kaveh. I'm sorry. I knew you liked me but I didn't know if I loved you back... I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling at all. This is all new to me but seeing you smile and care for another man, it scared me. Especially with a dangerous person that you trusted more than me" Alhaitham hugs him tightly, not planning to let him go.

"I'm not a girl, idiot. I could defend myself" Kaveh argues, looking into Alhaitham's eyes, making himself laugh as alhaitham always knows how to annoy him, and yet he loves him.

Tartaglia coughs to grab the two's attention, Kaveh snaps back to reality as he realizes he wasn't alone with alhaitham, causing him to be flustered. Before Kaveh could say anything, Tartaglia stops him.

"it's all fine, it seems like I lost to your heart. But I never give up, if you ever have a change of mind, you can contact me anytime, I definitely would care for you better, I would love to rule the world with you by my side, Sir Kaveh" Tartaglia smiles as he kisses Kaveh's hand. Alhaitham didn't show any sign of jealousy as always yet Tartaglia knows Alhaitham was glaring at him, wanting him to leave them alone.

As Tartaglia leaves, Alhaitham also leaves himself, which surprises Kaveh.

"hey! What was that just now ?! Was it all real ??? Why are you leaving me ?! Hey alhaitham!" Kaveh shouts as he rushes to catch up with Alhaitham who wasn't responding to anything he said.

Kaveh looks down, confused and sad once again, but before he can doubt Alhaitham's confession, Alhaitham pulls him for another kiss and carries him bridal style. This caught Kaveh off guard and flustered once again.

"do I have to spell it out to you, Senior Kaveh, light of kshahrewar??" Alhaitham asks. Kaveh blushes as he hides his face, embarrassed, he murmurs "no..." as he lets Alhaitham carry him to their home.