#thats hard data to get most likely but without it we dont really feel any reason to be alarmed over the matter of demographics

[centi-pedve]

annoyed forever & always by people who ask for "more woman authors" like !! women have very consistently been in the majority for the last decade at the very least when it comes to author demographics. what you need to show us is some sort of proof that women get worse offers or less readership on average or something! because raw author demographics are very obviously not the issue!

[amhohwa]

「 headcanon questions | accepting 」 —asked by @holographic-confidence, @exhuntra, @gueyveloz, @diamondtrail, @kiiingkobra, @lovclythief, @paquectric, @illusionage.

016. WHAT IS HIS WEAPON OF CHOICE? in the arena, he likes a few different types of weapons. im also biased so he likes the weapons that i like since he’s my main LOL. ideal loadout is a volt smg + r-301 carbine, though he’d also be satisfied with r-301 + charge rifle or r-301 + longbow dmr.

for any reconnaissance missions or other outside-the-arena activities, he favors a silenced pistol and a data knife.

also, of course, using hack as a bludgeoning weapon. he likes doing that quite a bit.

019. IF HE COULD HAVE A SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD HE CHOOSE? time travel. :^)

023. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER BEAUTIFUL IN OTHERS PHYSICALLY? movement and posture. there’s something about the way a person carries themself, whether it’s with graceful poise, a tall and strong posture, or a confident swagger that crypto admires. probably because he tries to make himself as unobtrusive possible, to move through the world without being noticed too much. others who can carry themselves with confidence, not caring if anyone is watching them—he finds that really beautiful.

024. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER UGLY IN OTHERS PHYSICALLY? this is hard just because i dont think he really cares what a person looks like when it comes to attraction. he’s definitely a believe that ugliness is something that shows in you because of your actions and your personality.

bad breath and bad teeth are up there though LOL

025. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER BEAUTIFUL IN OTHERS PERSONALITY-WISE? kindness and optimism, even when faced with really difficult or terrible circumstances. he finds it really admirable that some people don’t feel the need to harden up and close themselves off in response to their trauma and hardships.

026. WHAT DOES HE CONSIDER UGLY IN OTHERS PERSONALITY-WISE? blatant and extreme cruelty. like, yeah, he’s a huge dick himself and he can say some mean things at times, but he’s definitely not the type to revel in making other people’s lives hell for the fun of it and he’s disgusted by people who do.

027. WHAT IS HIS IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS? right now crypto thinks he’ll be happy if he can clear his name, reunite with mila, and go home to suotamo and mystik. of course all of us know that is not a realistic dream and it’s never going to happen because he is unable to come to grips with the fact that he will never go back to his old life.

028. WHAT MAKES HIM LAUGH OUT LOUD? sadly nothing really does :/ it really would take a lot for that to happen. either some kind of unexpected funny thing happening or some kind of absurd statement or joke or something like that. crypto’s not a laugher, sorry 😔

029. WHAT SORT OF SENSE OF HUMOR DOES HE HAVE? on the surface? a very mean sense of humor. insults, ‘playful’ ribbing, calling everyone that’s not natalie an idiot, etc. he also enjoys sarcasm a great deal as well as deadpan humor just to fuck with people.

but he’s also not immune to a good pun (’data way,’ for example)

030. DOES HE BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE? no, not really. he’s an atheist and doesn’t think there’s anything waiting for us after we die.

031. IS HE SUPERSTITIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING? not in the way this question is asking, no. he’s too much of a realist/left-brain for anything like that.

032. DOES HE BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? no (see above)

033. DOES HE KEEP HIS PROMISES? i feel like crypto makes very few promises to anyone he doesn’t trust because yes, he does actually try to keep them.

034. WHAT’S HIS VIEW OF LYING? big big fan of lying over here. love it, will do it until he dies, 10/10 because to him lying = security.

035. WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE CRYPTO LIVES BY? trust nothing and no one.

038. WHAT BAD HABITS DOES HE HAVE? where to even start! LOL 

he has a plethora of bad habits. some of the more obvious are:

not getting enough sleep/pushing himself to stay up all night

not eating consistent meals

vaping

overworking

but then there are some less obvious ones like pushing people away, freezing people out, distrusting EVERYONE, and all his other little paranoid habits like:

scanning everyone who comes to his home for weapons

setting up surveillance cams around places he frequents

not eating food made by others/that doesn’t come in a sealed container

maintaining a minimalist lifestyle specifically because he will have to run again in the future

crypto is an unhealthy mess!

039. WHAT DO THEY THINK IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN BE DONE TO A PERSON? hmmm this is a hard one. because there’s the very obvious answer of, like, being tortured or assaulted and really terrible things like that but maybe those things go without saying. so in his opinion, the worst thing that can happen to a person is becoming completely stripped of their identity. it is so alienating and othering to have who you are at your core foundationally upended 

046. HOW DOES HE HANDLE GETTING SICK? like most things, crypto doesn’t handle it much at all LOL. once he realizes he’s getting sick he pushes himself through it as much as he possibly can to keep working/fighting/whatever until he physically collapses from it, whether that’s literally fainting or just falling into bed at night and waking up the next morning too sick to move. then he just lays there and hopes it passes quickly. he is horrible at self-care

049. HOW DOES CRYPTO FEEL ABOUT GROWING OLD? this is maybe a little morbid but crypto doesn’t have many feelings about growing old at the moment because he doesn’t think he’s going to live to being an old man. either the Syndicate is going to kill him or he’s going to die trying to take them down

050. HOW DOES CRYPTO FEEL ABOUT HIS OWN MORTALITY? he accepts his own mortality, and even if he’s not happy about it and even if he will fight it with gnashing teeth and claws, he accepts that he is going to die, probably soon. he’s just working to try and make it so that isn’t a thing that happens

051. IF HE KNEW HE WOULD DIE TOMORROW, WHAT WOULD CRYPTO DO TODAY? send a letter to mystik. try to get a message to mila. then he’d come up with some elaborate plan to try and really fuck things up for the Syndicate. sure it probably wouldn’t matter in the long run since they’re a huge conglomerate and have so much power but he can at least get some people thinking. so something like taking down a big rig of theirs or even just fucking up one of the arenas. something like that

068. HOW STRONG IS CRYPTO’S SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY? WHAT KINDS OF THINGS TRIGGER IT? hmmm i think crypto has a strong sense of responsibility, just generally speaking. like he keeps his living space neat and does his work on his own time and puts forth effort in the game and all that stuff. he is a very hard-working and dutiful person. i don’t think there’s anything that really ‘triggers’ it either because it’s either he does these things, or he doesn’t, but the only person who cares if he does or not is himself.

072. IN A DUNGEONS & DRAGONS GAME, WHICH CLASS WOULD YOUR CHARACTER BE? i’ve spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about this. if he was playing as a character, crypto would be a Divination Wizard for a couple of reasons. first and foremost being that of course he would get access to spells that rely all around foresight and knowledge and that’s what he’s all about—knowing more about everything going on than anyone else. he’d also favor spells that deal lightning damage. the second reason is that the main stat for wizards is Intelligence and u know he’s gotta have that 20 INT babey.

in my D&D au, though, crypto is a multi-classed Divination Wizard and Inquisitve Rogue. started out as a divination wizard as tae joon but then took up some rogue-like skills after going on the run. i picked Inquisitive Rogue because they’re all about perceiving little details and stuff like that. i know that’s more WIS and less INT but it suits crypto imho.

074. WHAT IS CRYPTO’S FAVORITE GAME? sorry in advance that im not going to pick just one. he likes a lot of different kinds of games, but i think his favorite kinds are horror games, games of strategy, and fighting games. so, stuff like detention, dead space, cultist simulator, portal, tekken, street fighter, etc.

078. HOW EMOTIONALLY STABLE IS YOUR CHARACTER? heeeeeee is not LOL. i mean, the reason he keeps such a tight grip on his persona and his emotions is because he’s like one misstep away from a total meltdown. he’s never properly grieved or mourned about what happened to him and having to go on the run, and now he can’t show any kind of emotion because that equals some kind of weakness or chink in the armor.

but under that armor he feels things INTENSELY. everyone gets on his nerves so easily, and everything that’s happened to him in the games so far is piling on: being framed as the mole, having to tell natalie his name, and now pathfinder/caustic. and thats not even touching on his crippling paranoia. it’s a lot from him and he is barely keeping it together. he’s just good at hiding it.

even so, it manifests in all the little ways, right? so like how he cant even enjoy a meal without wondering if it’s poisoned, his inability to sleep through the night, how he has to scan even pathfinder for weapons when he comes into his house. crypto is an mental and emotional disaster

085. DESCRIBE HIM IN THREE WORDS. stoic. resilient. paranoid.

087. HOW WOULD CRYPTO DESCRIBE HIMSELF IN THREE WORDS? genius. prepared. determined.

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[spaceiplier]

SPACEIPLIER: Homestuck

((THIS IS A JOKE. IT’S JUST A JOKE. IT'S NOT CANON. HAPPY HOMESTUCK DAY.))

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 28th of June, 3516, is this young man's birthday. Though it was twenty-five years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

ENTER NAME.

SALLY MCSAGGYTITS

TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS

TRY AGAIN.

MARK FISCHBACH

✔

EXAMINE ROOM

Your name is MARK. As was previously mentioned it is your BIRTHDAY. A number of CAKES are scattered about your room. You have a variety of INTERESTS. You have a passion for REALLY TERRIBLE MOVIES. You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR PILOT. You also like to play GAMES sometimes.

What will you do?

Mark: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer.

Your ARMS are in your SPACE CHEST, pooplord!

Remove CAKE from SPACE CHEST.

Out of sympathy for Mark's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED.

Mark: Quickly retrieve arms from SPACE CHEST.

You retrieve your FAKE ARMS from the chest. You use these for HILARIOUS ANTICS.

You CAPTCHALOGUE them in your SYLLADEX. You have no idea what that actually means though.

There are other items in the chest.

Mark: Examine contents of chest.

In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED SPACEFARER or a CUNNING PRANKSTER.

You are neither of these things.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT BLASTER, ONE (1) PILOT’S HELMET, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF SPACE FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS.

Mark: Captchalogue the smoke pellets.

You stow the SMOKE PELLETS on one of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS in your SYLLADEX.

You still aren't totally sure what that means, but you are starting to get the hang of the vernacular at least.

You have two empty CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS remaining.

Mark: Equip fake arms.

You aren't totally sure if "EQUIP" is a verb copasetic with the abstract behavioral medium in which you dwell, but you give it a try anyway.

Unfortunately, you cannot access the FAKE ARMS! Their card is underneath the one you just used to captchalogue the SMOKE PELLETS. You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. But this is probably unadvisable, since you'd just make your room lousy with smoke!

Your SYLLADEX'S FETCH MODUS is currently dictated by the logic of a STACK DATA STRUCTURE. You were never all that great with data structures and you find the concept puzzling and mildly irritating.

But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience.

Mark: Examine Space Sleuth Poster.

Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? You really doubt it. This poster was one of your wisest purchases.

There is a nice spot on the wall next to it. You've been meaning to hang another poster there soon.

Mark: Read note on drawer.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU”

This note is rich with the aromas of MOTHERLY HERBS AND SPICES.

Beside the note is a ROLLED UP POSTER.

Mark: Take poster.

Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. You wonder what is printed on the poster.

You'll need some way to hang it on your wall.

Mark: Acquire hammer and nails. They will come in handy.

You first place the HAMMER into your SYLLADEX.

But now all of your CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS are full. You wonder what will happen if you try to take the NAILS

You guess it doesn't hurt to try.

Mark: Take nails.

You captchalogue FOUR (4) NAILS into the top card, and push all the ARTIFACTS down a card.

The FAKE ARMS are pushed entirely out of the deck!!!

Oh well. They're probably completely useless anyway. But you probably don't want to do that again, unless you want to drop the SMOKE PELLETS and suffer the consequences.

In any case, you now feel like you have gathered enough things to get down to business and do some really important stuff. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful.

Mark: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk.

This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!!

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

And yet the polished surface of your desk...

It beckons.

Mark: Combine the nails and hammer.

You MERGE the top two cards.

The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together.

Mark: Use hammer/nails on poster.

You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it.

Mark: Nail poster to wall.

You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall.

It's glorious. Exactly what you wanted. Your mom really came through this time.

Mark: Examine Con Space poster.

PUT THE KHARAPIN BACK IN THE BOX.

I SAID, PUT THE KHARAPIN BACK IN THE BOX.

WHY COULDN'T YOU PUT THE KHARAPIN BACK IN THE BOX?

Mark: Examine Deep Impact poster.

Morgan Saorman's genteel, homespun mannerisms were perfect qualities for a president residing over a crisis.

STARS RISE. PLANETS FALL. HOPE SURVIVES.

WOW.

Films about impending apocalypse fascinate you. Plus, a Velm president??? Now you've seen everything!

Mark: Examine calendar.

You've marked your birthday, the 28th of June. Another day you marked was supposed to be the arrival date for the highly touted SBURB BETA LAUNCH.

It's been three days already. It's starting to become a sore subject with you.

Mark: Eat cake.

You are sick to death of cake!!! You've been eating it all day. And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. The CAKE stays put for now.

You hear a notice from your COMM. Someone is messaging you.

Mark: Examine incoming message.

You pick up your COMMUNICATOR. This is where you spend most of your time. You decorated your screen with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. You are really proud of it.

Your COMMUNICATOR is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it.

Your PESTERCHUM application is flashing. Someone is trying to get in touch with you.

Mark: Open Pesterchum.

Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. He's sent you a message.

Mark: Open message.

-- turntechLizardhead [TL] began pestering ectoPilot [EP] at 16:13 --

TL: hey so what sort of insane loot did you rake in today EP: i got a little monsters poster, it's so awesome. i'm going to watch it again today, the applejuice scene was so funny. TL: oh hell that is such a coincidence i just found an unopened container of apple juice in my closet it is like fucking scarlix day up in here EP: ok thats fine, but i just have one question and then a word of caution. have you ever seen a movie called little monsters starring howie mandel and fred savage? TL: but TL: the seal on the bottle is unbroken TL: are you suggesting someone put piss in my apple juice at the factory EP: all im saying is don't you think monster howie mandel has the power to do something as simple as reseal a bottle? EP: try using your brain numbnuts. TL: why did the fat kid or whoever drank it know what piss tasted like TL: i mean his reaction was nigh instantaneous EP: it was the 15th day in a row howie mandel peed in his juice. TL: ok i can accept that TL: monster B-list celebrity douchebags are cunning and persistent pranksters TL: also fred savage has a really punchable face TL: but who cares about this lets stop talking about it TL: did you get the beta yet EP: no. EP: did you? TL: man i got two copies already TL: but i dont care im not going to play it or anything the game sounds boring TL: did you see how it got slammed in game bro???? EP: game bro is a joke and we both know it. TL: yeah TL: why dont you go check your mail maybe its there now EP: alright. Mark: Look out window.You see the view of your yard on VENTOS BETA from your window. Hanging from the tree is your TIRE SWING. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL. And there beside your driveway is the mailbox.

[groundramon]

Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I��ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here!  I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing.  ok. alright. cool.  Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon.  just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like.  They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality.  I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish.  This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids.  What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him.  I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet.  No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is.  Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one.  They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like.  Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed.  The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it.  Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me.  alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible.  Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected.  Was very invested during it.  ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out.  Where are the 02 kids.  You should’ve brought them in to save the day.  That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun.  Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps.  Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty.  I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development.  He’s basically an entirely different person.  Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe.  He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE.  The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back.  They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei???  Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much.  It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters.  Whatever.  AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk?  This entire time???  Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends???  Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried.  Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao.  God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely.  Would I have still been bitter?  Yes.  But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise.  It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults.  These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining.  They do not work when placed into an adult setting.  Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world?  I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like.  Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure.  It doesn’t work.  Digimon Tri is basically that except real.  Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience.  It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that.  Like!  Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL.  Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life.  I want bad puns and emotional characters.  That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be.  Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars.  It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better.  You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead.  If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series.  Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS.  I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri?  But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish.  Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies.  Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit.  I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons.  It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments.  If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it.  It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept.  And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up.  It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon.  It raises interesting questions about the timeline too.  We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project?  (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over)  But what about Diaboromon?  I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well.  Could Diaboromon still be out there too?  It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction.  Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil?  Like ?  That’s a pretty important thing.  The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02.  And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still.  It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened)  MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so.  God there’s just.  So much wrong with Tri.  I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me.  I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.

[trace395]

Symphogear XD Unlimited Kageri Saku Senkō summary from /m/

Prologue: https://pastebin.com/3QXDHaZ9   

First Part: https://pastebin.com/K8LuWF7P

Middle Part: https://pastebin.com/yNhBmx9j

Final Part: https://pastebin.com/yK69e4bG

Our Maria and Chris are helping parallel-Tsubasa fight some noise.

Edgebikki shows up and starts fighting them. Tsubasa doesn't recognize her, asks Maria and Chris who she is. Maria and Chris realize she isn't their Bikki. Meanwhile, Hibiki is at home having nightmares about being alone while Miku watches over her. Miku worries.

>Prologue A few days before, a bunch of them are out fucking about. Everybody notices Hibiki not doing so well and they're told about her bad dreams. Miku worries.

They go to training and Chris beats the shit out of Hibiki too hard and knocks her out. Elfnein does a checkup and says she's fine. Hibiki wakes up Miku continues to worry.

In the morning, Miku confronts Hibiki about her dream-talking, and Hibiki denies that that's what she actually feels (she isn't alone, obviously). Miku's worry approaches criticality.

Everybody else goes back for training, Chris hits Maria too hard and gets chewed out. A Gjallarhorn alert comes up, Chris wants to go alone. Genjuurou says no, Maria volunteers to tag along. They go off, and when they arrive they note that the Lunar Attack hasn't happened in the new world. They immediately locate parallel-Tsubasa and move to assist.

5-3

5-3 Part 1 >Chris/Maria arrive in original underground Div2 base >Chris is bad and keeps confusing Genjuurou, so Maria tells her to shut up and let her explain >Gjallarhorn is explained, told about strong noise (Karma Noise) >There apparently was a noise pattern a few days ago in the parallel world >Genjuurou is worried about strong noise appearing >Flashback about Tsubasa deploying to find the noise, but it dissapeared before she arrived >She sees grey bikki on the scene, apparently recognizes her >They think grey bikki defeated the noise on her own, Chris says that it's impossible without EKKUSU DORAIBU >Karma noise explained >Maria asks where grey bikki is, Genjuurou doesn't know because she doesn't work with them >Want to start looking, but Tsubasa wants to train with our OP geahs since there aren't any other geahs to train with Battle >Maria asks Tsubasa if she knows anything about Hibiki >Says she doesn't, but seems like she does >Chris wishes she would just tell them what's up >Maria and Chris find Hibiki at a park, she seems like a different person >Maria confronts her, asks her about the previous night (prologue) and the Karma noise >Hibiki tells her to fuck off, runs away

5-4

5-4 Part 1 >Chris and Maria return to home base, Genjuurou asks if they got any information from bikki >They didn't >Chris doesn't want to believe that it's really Hibiki >Genjuurou apologizes >Maria asks if Genjuurou knows anything about what happened, Genjuurou hesitates >Maria presses, Genjuurou spills the beans >Hibiki has had a difficult past, can't trust anyone >They tried to help her but she wouldn't accept it >Hibiki just kept fighting noise alone >Genjuurou explains the Zwei Wing concert, Bikki sole survivor, had nobody outside her family >Bikki had nobody other than her family >Chris stops him, asks about "Nobody other than her family" >Maria asks about Miku >Genjuurou doesn't know her >Chris is surprised that Miku isn't by her side >Maria says that they don't know where she lives, if she's even still alive, or if she ever even existed >Maria says it doesn't matter right now, need to deal with noise >Chris slightly upset by this >Maria says they have to prioritize >Noise alarm >Meet up with Tsubasa in town >See Bikki Battle >Back at div2, the noise have vanished >Genjuurou thankful for reinforcements >another alarm goes off >Big reaction, same as a few days ago (Karma Noise)

5-4 Part 2 >Genjuurou warns them about incoming >Karma noise shows up Battle >Karma noise regenerates >Bikki rushes in >Saved by Maria >Bikki says not to do things that aren't necessary >Chris confused >"Nobody ever comes to help in truly difficult times" >Karma noise vanishes >Back in the main world >Our Bikki in a park with Miku >Hibiki wonders what Chris and Maria are up to, Miku says not to worry about it >Hibiki faints

5-4 Part 3 >Hibiki is in the hospital >Apologizes to Miku for making her worry >Hibiki is in pain for some reason >Elfnein shows up, asks Miku to come to the command center >Everybody shows up, worried about Hibiki >Elfnein doesn't know what's wrong, thinks it's mental, asks about her dreams, Miku explains >Nobody believes that Hibiki would have dreams like that >Noise Alarm, Tsubasa, Kiri, Shirabe go fight, Miku told to go stay with Hibiki Battle >Back in the hospital, Hibiki is awake, heard the alarms >Miku says not to worry >Hibiki wants to help people by fighting, but can't in her condition >Hibiki is falling into despair >Miku won't let her >Miku continues to worry

5-5

5-5 Part 1 >Maria and Chris are going to return >Tsubasa is thankful for their help >Maria says they'll be right back after collecting information >Genjuurou gives them a chip, all of the data they have collected thusfar >They return >Chris is glad to be back, Maria asks if she didn't like the other world >Chris just doesn't like edgebikki, wants normal Hibiki >Noise alarm Battle >Everybody welcomes Maria and Chris back >Chris asks about Hibiki, Tsubasa tells them what's going on while they return >Chris arrives at the medical room >Hibiki seems sick, is very depressed >Chris says they managed without her >Hibiki wonders if she is really needed >Chris says she didn't mean it like that >"A time will come when we need your power. Until then, take care of yourself. Understand?"

The following translations are from Dragonmience

EV5-5 Part 2 Elfnein says Hibikis conditions are getting worse quickly. Miku tells them about Hibiki's nightmare sleep talking Im alone, After all, no one helps. Chris realizes that AU Hibiki said the same thing, and says that AU Hibiki has the complete opposite personality of Hibiki Prime. Miku is interested that theres also a Hibiki in the other world, and also asks Chris to tell her about AU Hibiki clearly. Maria and Tsubasa train in the simulation. Theyre both worried about Hibiki. Maria asks what Tsubasa thinks about what Hibiki said in her sleep. Tsubasa says that there has to be some connection between AU Hibiki and Hibikis nightmares. Miku is glad Hibiki hasnt gotten worse, but if it does, it would be bad for Hibikis body. She also believes theres a connection between the two events. But right now, what is it that she can do for Hibiki?

EV5-5 Part 3 Tsubasa, Chris, Maria, Shirabe, and Kirika are all at the simulation room. Tsubasa: Everyone is worried about Hibiki, I guess. Chris teases her: Who was here before anyone else? Tsubasa: I I only got here earlier because of my motorcycle. Shirabe: Everyone came from different places, traffic doesnt matter. Kirika: Yeah, but Chris was the second to arrive, right? Chris: I I just live closer. The five train, but theyre absentminded and decide to cut it short. Elfnein calls them to the main room.

EV5-5 Part 4 Everyone arrives really quickly. Tsubasa and Chris hurriedly ask about the situation. Elfnein thinks she knows the reason for Hibikis sickness, but she hasnt confirmed it. She believes the two Hibiki's spirits are resonating. That is, AU Hibikis negative emotions are coming to Hibiki, making her suffer. Chris asks why its only happening with Hibiki. Elfnein: Its because of the natures of their spirits. Hibiki has strong righteous emotions; on the other hand, AU Hibiki has strong negative emotions. Due to resonance, the difference in emotion potential makes it so that if either side moves, it flows into the others emotions. Even though righteous emotions arent bad, they either dont have much influence on AU Hibiki, or she isnt aware of them. However, Hibiki is rapidly taking in negative emotions, and her mind and body arent adjusting well. It doesnt affect anyone else, since their personalities are probably close. Hibikis recent collapse was probably influenced by AU Hibiki being hit by the Karma Noise, since Karma Noise are connected to negative emotions strongly. Miku: What can we do? Elfnein: I'm afraid, Miku is the key. Noise appear. Later, Chris and Miku prepare to go to AU. //<Flashback to after the battle> Elfnein: If everything is correct up to now, if AU Hibiki's emotions are stabilized, that is, righteous rather than negative emotions are strong, the influence on Hibiki will disappear. Miku is the key. To Hibiki, Miku is an existence that can't be lacked. If that world doesn't have a Miku, then Miku should go to that world. Chris: But thats dangerous. Elfnein: Yes, but thats the only way I can think of right now. Tsubasa: Wait, only gear users can travel between worlds. Miku isn't a gear user. Elfnein: I looked at the records. Miku used a gear in the past, right?     Miku: Shenshoujing (She looks sad) Elfnein: Yes. Kirika: But it was disintegrated then? Elfnein: True, for this world. Shirabe: Perhaps. Elfnein: Yes, even if it's not on this world, that world may still have it. //<End of flashback> Chris: Don't worry, well definitely find Shenshoujing. Maria: Maintain your physical condition, since you may have to go at any time. Miku: I understand. Chris and Maria leave for AU. Miku: Please, you two. The power to save Hibiki...

5-6

EV5-6 Part 1 World Prime: Tsubasa: How’s Hibiki? Miku: Not very good. She slept most of the day. At Miku’s request, Tsubasa, Shirabe, and Kirika all hold onto Hibiki’s hands. Noise appear.

EV5-6 Part 2 (Continuing the fight from Part 1) Tsubasa: If we’re slow in taking down the noise, we’ll just make Hibiki worry unnecessarily. Battle Hibiki wakes up: Thanks for always staying with me, Miku. Sorry. Miku: Apologies aren’t necessary. Miku: Hey, Hibiki… I want to stay here like this, but, I must go to the other world. Hibiki: What!? Why? Miku: Calm down and listen. The reason Hibiki’s condition has become bad is in the other world. In the other world, another Hibiki’s spirit is flowing into Hibiki and causing pain. So, I… want to go to help you, Hibiki. And also the other Hibiki… Hibiki: Even stopping you… (will be impossible). Miku: Yes. I’ve already decided. Hibiki: It is, isn’t it? Hey, Miku… I have a request. The other Hibiki is probably always in total darkness alone, holding harsh thoughts. Because no one helps, she believes in no one, saying out nothing sad, feeling those kinds of feelings. So, I want to help her. Because when it was the harshest for me, the one who taught me that I’m not alone, was Miku. Because the one who helped me on countless dark nights, was Miku. Miku: But, Hibiki. Hibiki helped me countless times right? Haven’t we always lived together like this? So, once more, it’s my turn. Will you let me help? Hibiki: Sure… thanks, Miku. I’ll be waiting, so don’t do anything rash, okay? Miku: Haha… it’s the opposite of the usual, right? Hibiki: Yep, it really is the opposite. I always make Miku feel this way, right? Miku: Since you understand how I feel, starting next time, hold back your rashness a little, okay? Hibiki: Sure… As much as I can, I’ll see if I can do my best.

EV5-6 Part 3 In the AU, Chris and Maria have explained things to Genjuuro. Genjuuro: I see, to help Hibikis, Shenshoujing is necessary no matter what, right? Maria: Yes, do you know its location? Genjuuro: I do. It’s already been made into a pendant. Chris: Really!? Then… Genjuuro: No, but, we couldn’t find a user for it. There was also a forced activation experiment, and it was unfortunately damaged. It was disposed of. Chris: In that case, it’s now gone? Genjuuro: No, even though it was disposed of, you can’t throw away a Relic, so it’s now kept under strict custody. Chris: I don’t care about that. If there’s the possibility you can get it, that would be enough! Genjuuro: I see… you really care about your Hibiki, right? Chris: That, that has nothing to do with it. Genjuuro: … I understand, I’ll prepare. Even here, under current circumstances, there are no objections on increasing the fighting ability of the gear users. Tsubasa: Really? Without the permission of the higher-ups, how are you going to transfer a relic, even it’s been disposed. Genjuuro: Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of all the responsibilities. Noise appear, so does Hibiki.

EV5-6 Part 4 During the battle, Maria: Hey, remember what Elfnein said as we left? Chris: Of course! //<Flashback> Elfnein: If you come into contact with the other Hibiki, there’s one thing I want to try. From what I can tell, the other Hibiki has a strong sense of loneliness. So, please teach her that she’s not alone. To the other Hibiki, flowing from our Hibiki’s feelings, those words will surely reach her. //<End of flashback> Chris: Haha, now that I think about it, we were saved by her, right? Maria: That’s right…That means we might not be qualified for this, right? Haha. Chris: Hahaha. That’s why, your (Hibiki’s) back! Maria: We’ll protect it! Battle Chris: Hey, you… Hibiki: What is it? Chris: I’m Chris Yukine. 17 years old. My birthday is December 28, and my blood type is A. The thing I like is… Anpan! Hibiki: What, all of a sudden? Chris: Remember it! Maria: I’m Maria Cadenzavna Eve. 22 years old. Hibiki: Even you…what in the world? Maria: Haha, just a self-introduction. Just remembering the old days a little, right? Hibiki: I’m leaving. Chris: Unfortunately, she left… Maria: Yeah, but, from now on… Chris: (You saved us. This time, we’ll definitely save you.)

5-7

5-7 Part 1 >Chris and Maria arrive back in our world, welcomed by Genjuurou and Elf9 >"Were you waiting for us?" >Gen: "No, we just happened to be here" >Elf9: "Yes, we've been eagerly awaiting your return" >Gen: "...Anyway, how did it go?" >They hand over the broken SSJ pendant >Elf9 thinks she can fix it >Miku handed new SSJ by Elf9 >She needs LiNKER >Miku is a little scared, relies on her feelings of wanting to save Hibiki >Successfully activates SSJ >Kirika thinks it makes them look bad that she can do it so easily >Shirabe says it's just the power of Miku's feelings >Start training Battle

5-7 Part 2 >Miku thinks she can do well against normal noise >Chris says she's doing well for her first time >Reminds her that they are fighting Karma noise as well, so she has to obtain more power >Training continues Battle >Chris "loses" to Miku >Miku accuses her of holding back >Chris says she can't go all out on someone who hasn't even worn a gear before >Genjuurou registers Miku as a temporary adaptor >Gen wants her to promise that she won't to anything reckless, for Hibiki's sake >Miku says she will save Hibiki

5-7 Part 3 >Miku, Chris, and Maria arrive in the parallel world >Miku says that she can't even tell >Chris says that if you look hard enough you'll be able to see the differences >People who should be there but aren't, things that should be somewhere but aren't >Chris: I am senpai please rely on me >Maria tells them to stop wasting time and go to Div2 >Chris is upset that Miku addresses her as "Chris" but Maria as "Maria-san" >Meanwhile at parallel Div2, incoming phonecall from Nagata (Japanese political center) >It's about a complete relic >Due to all of the recent noise reactions, they asked a specialist >Gen tells them to hold off on doing anything for a bit >Maria and friends arrive >Introductions >Div2 still hasn't bothered to stick a tracker on Hibiki or have Ogawa (where is he?) tail her, so they don't know where she is >Noise alarm, dispatch Battle

5-7 Part 4 >In battle, Miku sees edgebikki >Miku tries to introduce herself but Hibiki just runs away Battle

5-7 Part 5 >Fight is almost over >Karma noise appears Battle >Miku is too close, Chris yells at her to back off >Edgebikki shoes up at pushes her out of the way >Karma noise vanishes, couldn't kill it due to regeneration >Tsubasa asks how they were able to defeat it before >Maria says she will explain later >Miku tries to confront Hibiki >Wonders if saving her was a coincidence

5-8

5-8 Part 1 >Miku is in town, worrying about Hibiki >Flashback to being saved >Concludes that it was intentional, that edgebikki is really Hibiki, wants to talk to her more >At Div2, strategy meeting about Karma noise >Miku isn't present because she had "something very important" to attend to >Maria explains everything they know about Karma noise again (redacted) >There aren't many ways of dealing with Karma noise in the parallel world >Just coordination and saturation attacks >Tsubasa asks how what other ways there are that can't be used in the parallel world >S2CA and Ignite >Tsubasa asks what they are and why they can't use them >S2CA is a superb song, Ignite is berserker strength >S2CA requires Hibiki, who can't fight >Chris says it would be nice if they could just use edgebikki but it's probably too reckless >Maria says that edgebikki's characteristic isn't necessarily even the same >Chris and Maria explain Ignite/Dainsleif, can't use it because of the Karma noise's ｢curse｣ >Therefore, we have to use coordinated attacks >Gen says that we had 3 people, now Miku makes 4 >Chris says that isn't enough >Maria says they need edgebikki's cooperation >Tsubasa asks for help in raising their coordination Simulator Battle >Tsubasa wonders if they will really be able to work with egebikki, worried that they're polar opposites >Tsubasa says that she's met Hibiki on the battlefield many times and tried to persuade her to join Div2 >Hibiki always says that she's uninterested >She can't tell what Hibiki is thinking at all >Chris says that she's too direct because she's an idiot >Maria says that's basically Hibiki >Tsubasa says that both Hibikis are not necessarily the same >Maria says that they aren't necessarily different >Gjallarhorn ties together branches of a larger river, but they all flow in the same way as the original >Therefore an individual's character and taste should be mostly the same >Whether someone has a Gear or not, whether someone exists or not, and other small differences are ok (Someone not existing is totally a smaller change than them having a different personality, right?) >Maria is surprised by the gap between edgebikki and the original Hibiki, but doesn't think that they're fundamentally different >Chris feels the same >Tsubasa still wonders how they're going to persuade her >Maria: "Leave that to the specialist"

5-8 Part 2 >Edgebikki is in the forest (seems like she's training or exercising) >Miku shows up, edgebikki asks why she's so over-familiar >Miku thinks that Gjallarhorn should be a secret, but decides that lying will cause edgebikki not to trust her Explanation >Miku says it's fine if she doesn't believe her immediately >Edgebikki says she doesn't care, tells Miku to go away because she's distracting >Miku says she wants to talk to edgebikki longer >Edgebikki doesn't want to talk >Miku asks about how edgebikki saved her in the Karma noise fight >Edgebikki is surprised >Miku says that she did, and so she wants to thank her >Edgebikki says that it wasn't her intention and is merely Miku's misunderstanding >Miku doubles down and says that edgebikki protected her >Edgebikki reiterates that it was merely a coincidence, and therefore no thanks is needed >Miku says that it was certainly thanks to edgebikki >Hibiki tells Miku to go home and not follow her >Edgebikki wonders what Miku's deal is >Continues to deny to herself that she saved Miku >Edgebikki's heart hurts >Realizes it isn't pain, she wouldn't feel pain from something like that anymore >Convinces herself that she doesn't need anyone, being alone is fine >Noise alarm, edgebikki says she has to go defeat them Battle >Maria and Chris in an apartment >Apparently it was nothing but normal noise this time >Chris wants to just hurry up and kill the karma noise >Miku shows up, asks about Hibiki protecting her >She thinks that edgebikki has been preventing the noise from destroying the town and has been drawing their attention >Even if unconsciously, edgebikki has been protecting everybody >Chris thinks Miku is over thinking it >Miku is convinced because it's Hibiki >Maria says that she can't say that just because it's Hibiki >But Miku is the one who knows Hibiki the best and has the deepest bonds with her, so she trusts her judgment >Chris agrees

5-8 Part 3 >Genjuurou put the Karma noise data into the simulator so that they could train >Chris is surprised that he could do that >Maria says that their Gen is a martial arts specialist >Gen says he knows basic self defense, but has no further knowledge of martial arts >Rather, he likes to handle machines and watches sci-fi instead of action movies >Maria remembers hearing that Kanade's Genjuurou liked to watch mysteries >They train with Gen's new simulator upgrade Battle >Simulator is weaker than the real thing, needs some adjustment >Chris says that they are lacking decisive factor or trump card >Miku apologizes for being weak >Tsubasa says that it isn't her fault, she also lacks power >Miku says that she's the most inexperienced >Tsubasa says that she has the lowest power output >Maria says that everyone is equally weak >Chris says that they have to find a way to work with edgebikki >Tsubasa wants to continue training, but Miku runs off to go talk to edgebikki

5-8 Part 4 >Now that it's just the three of them, there's no point in coordination training >Tsubasa wants to know more about ignite >Maria says they can't use it against Karma noise anyway >Tsubasa doesn't care, feels as though she has not yet mastered Ame-no-Habakiri >Wants to know the true power hidden in the symphogears >Maria says that ignite is due to a different relic, so it would be meaningless in showing the symphogear's potential >Chris says that the berserk is part of the symphogear itself, so it counts >Chris is bored so she ignites >Maria has to copy everbody else so she ignites too Battle

5-8 Part 5 >Tsubasa thinks ignite is very cool >Maria explains how Dainsleif interacts with the Karma noise, making it useless >Chris says that if they could use it freely then any number of Karma noise would be no big deal >Maria says that she wouldn't say that much, but it makes fighting very easy >Tsubasa wants them to fight her ignited >It's too dangerous >I don't care, I'm Div2's sword Battle >Miku in the forest again with edgebikki >Miku asks if edgebikki likes the forest >No response >Miku says she wants to fight with edgebikki to defeat the Karma noise from before >They need to join forces or else they won't be able to defeat it >Therefore they need edgebikki's help >Edgebikki is shocked by the proposal and wants none of it >Says that Miku will have to drag her kicking and screaming >Transforms >"I won't work with anybody. If you want me to cooperate, use your power to force me to submit"

5-9

5-9 Part 1 >"It's no problem if we go all out here. If you want me to listen, then show me your strength. If I end up hurting you with my fist, I'm sorry." >"No. Your fists aren't meant to hurt anybody. Don't say such a terrible thing." >Hibiki drops her transformation >"If you won't listen to me and fight, then just let me do as I please." >"Hibiki..." >Back at Div2, noise alarm >Karma noise pattern >Another, stronger energy pattern from somewhere else >2 Karma noise >One is in the city, Tsubasa, Maria, Chris are already nearby >Gen tells them not to worry about the other one, it's on the outskirts and therefore the city takes priority >But Chris remembers that they only appear where PHONIC GAIN is high >Maria just assumes that it isn't necessarily the case >The other Karma noise actually appeared on top of edgebikki and Miku >Edgebikki gets mad and transforms >Miku tells her not to try to fight alone and to run away >Edgebikki tells her to leave alone and that she won't run away >Miku transforms >Miku won't let Hibiki fight alone Battle >Miku tells edgebikki not to be reckless >Edgebikki gets hit >Miku notices that edgebikki's movements are slow, realizes that it's part of the Karma noise's ｢curse｣ >Edgebikki charges the noise >A little girl shows up looking for her mother >Edgebikki is protecting the little girl from the Karma noise >Miku grabs the girl, delivers her to her mother, and returns to the fight >Both of them attack the Karma noise >Edgebikki asks Miku how she managed to match her movements >They turn to deal with the noise

5-9 Part 2 >Back in the city, the other three are dealing with the other Karma noise >They get word from HQ that edgebikki and Miku are fighting the other noise >They want to finish where they're at fast so they can go help Battle >They are having trouble against the Karma noise >Tsubasa wants them to leave it to her and buy some time >"Listen. This is the song of a sentinel." >Tsubasa jams, as she does when she feels threatened >Maria and Chris shout at her for being dumb >Tsubasa apologizes in her thoughts, continues to jam anyway >Karma noise is dead but Tsubasa faints >The ground starts shaking, as if there was an earthquake

5-9 Part 3 >Edgebikki is having an easier time fighting >It's because Miku is there, and she knows what edgebikki is going to do next and can match her >It's the first time edgebikki has ever fought with somebody else >Edgebikki calls Miku by name >Miku calls her out on it, but edgebikki denies it >Miku tells her that the little girl from earlier thanked her >Edgebikki wonders why she saved her >Miku tells her not to get distracted >(Oh yeah, I remember now. My old childhood friend who was always by my side like this.) >(Kohinata Miku.... I've forgotten that name for a long time.) Battle >Miku is predicting Hibiki's attacks and coordinating with her >They think they'll be able to beat the Karma noise together >Miku says that she's going to help Hibiki >Edgebikki stops dead >"Help... me?"

5-9 Part 4 >Noise alarm >Large energy pattern from underground "Ruins of Memory" >Gen: "What? Impossible! This energy pattern is...! Why now?!" >Gejuurou tells the geahs in the city to evac, says there's no time to explain >Kaiju from EX2 shows up >It's an autonomous complete relic called Goliath that was stored in the Ruins of Memory Battle

5-9 Part 5 Battle >Kaiju smacks Maria and Chris around >"If only we hadn't just fought a Karma noise" >It's more powerful than a Karma noise >Chris and Maria wondering why something so dangerous was being stored >Maria is running out of stamina because she's useless >It dissappears or collapses or something, the day is saved by doing nothing >Back in the forest >Miku is worried about edgebikki >"Save... You're going to save me?" >"Even though when I really wanted to be saved, nobody was there to save me?!" >"You're just the same as everybody else after all! You're still lying to me!" >Karma noise hits edgebikki >She goes berserkki >Berserkki absorbs the Karma noise >Miku shouts at her to return her to her senses

5-10

5-10 Part 1 >Back in our world >DMJii are at the medical room with Tsubasa watching Hibiki sleep >Hibiki suddenly starts screaming >The three hold her down >Back in parallel world >Berserkki is attacking Miku Battle >Miku wonders if she'll be able to properly deal with berserkki >She's too fast, can't hit her >Berserkki hesitates, Miku punches her >Berserkki turns into edgebikki >faints >Back in the medical room, Hibiki calms down >Everybody is worried, Tsubasa wonders what the hell is going on in the other world

5-10 Part 2 >Parallel Div2 >Maria is worried about the other Tsubasa >She's sustained a lot of damage from the superb song, but finished off the Karma noise >Maria asks what the fuck the Kaiju was >It's an autonomous complete relic called Goliath that was stored in the Ruins of Memory >From 1 Samuel, the Giant that was defeated by David >Received from America for research >Activated by the large amounts of PHONIC GAIN from Tsubasa jamming >So what should we do >I dunno >I guess we should deal with the Kaiju >By the way you should help us with that >We were going to do that anyway >According to legend, Goliath appears from morning to night to trample the Jewish army >With the arrival of night, that power becomes weaker >So we should aim to fight at night >The problem being that our opponent probably won't allow that >Yeah he'll probably just run away like before >By the way, how's edgebikki? >She seemed mostly fine, but escaped before a detailed examination was carried out >So now that the Karma noise are dealt with, let's deal with the Goliath problem >Genjuurou has a report about parallel Miku >"Is she alive?" >"Yes, she is in good health." >"After hearing from you that she was related to Hibiki-kun, we looked into Hibiki's past and found her name." >"Kohinata Miku-kun..... Hibiki-kun's classmate and childhood friend from before the Live Incident and before she entered Lydian." >"Before she entered Lyidan?" >"The Kohinata Miku-kun of this world did not enroll in Lydian." >"Immediately after the Live Incident, due to circumstances of both her parents, she transferred." >"So she isn't by her side, that's the way it is?" >"Yes. We have no reason to expect that she knows that Hibiki enrolled at Lydian or became an adaptor." >"It is also possible that she has no idea of the hell of undeserved bullying caused by the incident that became her daily life." >"Hibiki.... So that's why she was saying things like "Nobody ever saved me"..." >"So do you know where she is?" >"Yeah, we were able to find her somehow, but we haven't contacted her yet." >"Why not, you can't tell her about Hibiki?" >"They were childhood friends... A long time has passed since they were separated. I don't know if we should get her caught up in this." >"It's been so long there's the possibility that she may not even remember Hibiki-kun." >"No, there isn't." >"Miku-kun....?" >"I would never forget about Hibiki." >"Is that so? I apologize." >"For now, we'll have her put under surveillance. Let's think about it again when revisiting Hibiki-kun's situation." >"...Understood." >Out in the hallway, Chris asks Maria what to do during standby >Maria suggests training, because that's the only way she can look good fighting strong opponents >Miku wants to practice more with SSJ so that she can stop another berserkki attack and to protect her >Miku says she won't be reckless, just like she promised Hibiki >They head off to training Battle >They take a break >Chris brings up Miku's parallel self >Miku is troubled that she isn't by Hibiki's side >Maria says that if it's due to her parents' work, then it can't be helped >Miku is sure that she would still want to be able to see Hibiki >she wants Hibiki to understand that she isn't alone

5-10 Part 3 >Miku is out in town while on standby >She sees edgebikki >Edgebikki suddenly turns and starts talking to an old woman >She wants to go somewhere but doesn't know the way >Miku takes note that she started a conversation with an old lady >Edgebikki shows her the way >Old lady asks if she's a student, says that she's about the same age as her grandchild >(She's carrying the old lady's bags and walking alongside her... She's helping people.) >Yappari, Edgebikki is Hibiki >Old lady thanks Hibiki >Hibiki waves it off and tells her to be careful >Miku hands her a drink and Hibiki asks her how long she's been there >Hibiki says it was just because she was annoyed by her loitering >Suddenly the old lady starts screaming about a monster >Genjuurou calls about a nearby noise pattern >Hibiki and Miku rush in to fight Battle

5-10 Part 4 >Hibiki and Miku see a piece of cloth belonging to the old lady >Hibiki gets mad, Miku tells her to calm down >Hibiki tells her not to tell her what to do >Maria and Chris show up >They follow Hibiki into battle Battle >Battle is over >Hibiki is looking at/holding/doing something to/with old lady's cloth >Old lady shows up and says hi >Hibiki shocked >She is okay, says that she was saved >Hibiki gives her back her stuff >Hibiki is glad she's okay >(That old lady was helped, and there was a person who helped her. But why..!) >"Why... Why does nobody..." >"....I hate it" >"What is it... This annoying feeling in my chest..." >Miku: (When Hibiki gave the old lady's things back to her... she smiled just a little.) >(After all, Hibiki is...)

5-10 Part 5 >Maria and Chris have been on standby for several days >Normal noise has appeared, but no Karma noise >Neither has Goliath >Maria wonders if there is a Goliath in their world >Maybe they can find a way to capture it by investigating their inactive version >Maria wonders why there's still a Gjallarhorn Alert, and if Goliath is causing it >All of the Karma noise should have been defeated >While there's still an alert, they can't just ignore it >Also worrying about Hibiki >Miku is sure that Hibiki is okay, because she's Hibiki >Back in our world, Tsubasa fighting noise with DMJii >Tsubasa says that Elf9 said that the alert has gotten stronger >Tsubasa wonders if that means the threat has increased Battle >They're struggling >Have to ganbare for away team and Hibiki

5-11

5-11 Part 1 >Edgebikki is in her apartment, complaining about her chest >(...My chest hurts, it's hot...) >(It hurts.... somebody....) >(....No, there isn't anybody.... No matter how close they are, they will all leave....) >Edgebikki has dream of normal Bikki >Miku is trying to wake Hibiki, who is sleeping while trying to eat breakfast >"School? Lydian? Why are you wearing a uniform..." >"Are you still half asleep? We enrolled together, so it should be obvious." >"Here's your bag. I got everything ready for you. Finish eating that and we can run to Lydian, alright?" >"Are you done eating? Alright, let's go." >Edgebikki wonders why the dream keeps occurring, wonders if it's because she met Miku >Stone/metal fragments have been falling from her chest with increasing regularity and causing her chest pain >Back in our world, the home team is still fighting noise >Wonder if there's too many for the three of them to handle >Let's ganbarou >Wouldn't X-Drive be really nice right about now >We don't have X-Drive Battle

5-11 Part 2 >At SONG, there's a new energy pattern >More noise >Adaptor's vitals falling >Genjuurou orders withdrawal >Tsubasa says no >Worried about what would happen if they withdraw >Is their duty to defend while Maria is busy and Hibiki is in the hospital >Maria is working hard so they have to as well >Genjuurou: Don't be reckless Battle >Noise eliminated >DMJii are sleepy, so they faint >Tsubasa notes that there was such a large number, almost as if Solomon's Cane has been activated >Tsubasa faints too

5-11 Part 3 >Away team returns to SONG >Hear about how home team got their asses kicked by noise >They're going to be okay >Miku asks about Hibiki >Hibiki is having frequent fits, when it gets bad Elf9 administers a sedative to restrain her >Miku runs off to see her >Maria asks about the Gjallarhorn Alert >It hasn't gotten better >It's gotten worse >Chris complains that they've already defeated two Karma noise >Maria says that something worse than the Karma noise must have shown up >Chris thinks it's related to the Kaiju >What Kaiju >Maria explains about Goliath to Genjuurou >Miku arrives in the medical room, Hibiki is sleeping >Miku holds Hibiki's hand >"I will save you, I'm sure of it. So please, hold on just a little bit longer." >Goliath explanation finished >Chris is kind of mad, tells Genjuurou to tell them about it >Genjuurou claims ignorance >Maria says that the parallel world got it from America >Wonders if the American government is hiding it >Genjuurou says that the chance isn't zero, but even if they are then there's slim chance they'll offer information >Elf9 has a plan >Wonders how the Goliath determines "night" >Chris says when the sun goes down, obviously >Elf9 says the sun going down is determined by the eyes >Maria asks if it could be brightness, since it may not have sensory organs that could intuitively be considered "eyes" >Elf9 says that that could be the case, and that it enters a temporary rest period as part of a cycle >If day or night is determined by brightness, then they may be able to fool it >It's worth a shot >So how do we do it? >Go ask them >Okay let's go >Wait, Maria needs to worry about Tsubasa and what will happen with no defense >Tsubasa should wake up in a day >Tsubasa shows up >Chris asks if she's okay >Elf9 says she can't possibly be okay after such a long battle and short recovery period >"This is nothing compared to Tachibana's fight" >"I will absolutely keep my vow to protect while my comrades are away" >DMJii are already awake, but moving is too hard >Everybody is worried about Hibiki >Maria asks if Hibiki's condition is really that bad >It's so bad Tsubasa says she can't look >Hibiki's fits have been getting more frequent and more violent >At this rate, it may put her life in danger >Away team heads off >In parallel world, edgebikki is fighting some noise >There's an "earthquake," Kaiju shows up >Edgebikki wants to defeat it Battle >Parallel Div2 gets the Goliath appearance reaction >Edgebikki is fighting it alone >Tsubasa still hasn't recovered from jamming >Div2 to support edgebikki however they can >Difference in power is too large, edgebikki can't go at it from the front or else she'll get oneshot >(If only I had more strength...) >Relic cancer heating up, power is coming forth >"Like this, I can fight. Even if I'm alone, I can defeat it!" >Suddenly a guy shouts out for help >(Somebody late getting away!? At a time like this-) >(...I have to save/kill them...) >"-Eh? What..." >(They're a person, so I have to save them. They're a person, so I have to kill them.) >"What... is this? What's this feeling inside me?" >"This feeling.... It's like a hazy swirl going around and around... It's unpleasant..." >"Run away! If you don't want to die then run!" >(No... I never wanted to kill anyone... What the hell-) >(...That black noise... from that time...) >"Oh shi-" >Kaiju punches Hibiki >(I can't move... the damage...) >(...Is this how it all ends?) >Night arrives >"It left... Why...?"

5-12

5-12 Part 1 >Edgebikki has dream of Hibiki helping the cat in S1 and some other stuff with her friends >(...Is that... me....? No.... this is... this is all-!) >(This is... me...? I don't know... this...) >Edgebikki wakes up in a fit >Wonders why our Hibiki is so different, why she is able to smile >Another rock from her chest >Doesn't understand what it means >Ever since the Kaiju fight, she hasn't cooled down >She doesn't feel the black noise's influence anymore, but feels like it's still there >"Even though it's my own body I have no idea what's going on" >"Somebody, tell me... Somebody... help me...." >"I'm scared... of being alone..." >(There's nobody... to help me...) >(That's the way it's always been... Why, suddenly...) >"Anyway, everybody is gone. But I..." >Away team arrives back at parallel Div2 >Maria tells Genjuurou about Hibiki and the home team >Genjuurou tells Maria about edgebikki fighting Goliath >Time ran out for the Kaiju and edgebikki is fine >Maria tells Genjuurou about Elf9's plan >He says he can do it >Noise pattern, large number >Away team about to head out >Tomosato says that they're suddenly rapidly decreasing in numbers >It's edgebikki Battle >Miku in SSJ catches up to edgebikki >Maria and Chris surprised that edgebikki already killed them all >Miku approaches her to make sure she isn't hurt, notices the heat >Everybody realizes that it's relic cancer >Miku tells edgebikki to come with her to Div2 and get properly examined >Edgebikki tells her to leave her alone and runs away >Miku knows she has to do something >Edgebikki alone in the forest >Wonders if the fusion is why she's heating up >Wonders what would happen if it continues >She's scared of not knowing, but she's more scared of knowing that there's nothing she can do >Miku shows up out of nowhere >"Who!?" >"I'm right here." >"Oh, it's you again..." >(Why am I relieved?) >"What are you doing?" >"Nothing... Just looking at the stars." >(I wonder if this Hibiki also likes to look at the stars?) >"Then I know of a good place to go stargazing. Let's go together sometime." >"I guess I want to see just a little bit..." >"Then it's a promise. We'll go together." >"....." >("Promise?" "Together?" I wonder if it would be okay....) >Edgebikki starts screaming and heating up, a black fog swirls around her >(I have to kill...) >"Black... fog....? That's-" >(I saw it when we fought that Karma noise-) >(I have to kill...) >"Hibiki! Get ahold of yourself, Hibiki!" >"---Shut up---!" >"Hi-Hibiki...?" >"Ah.... It's nothing. Anyways, I'm going now." >"Wait, Hibiki!" >"Leave me alone!" >"If you keep using your Gungnir your live will be in danger. So please, will you let me look at it? Besides that, now-" >"Go away!" >"Hibiki..."

5-12 Part 2 >Away team is at an apartment, discussing edgebikki's relic fusion >Miku wonders what she should do to save Hibiki >Chris says that they can't allow her to fight >Maria suggests vaporizing it with SSJ, like in the original world >Miku thinks it might be a different ailment than the original world >Explains the Karma noise and black fog >If edgebikki fused with a Karma noise, then they can't just blast her with SSJ as it may erase her body as well >Need to have her undergo a medical examination, but it's easier said than done >If she stops using her power, her rate of progression will slow >Have to persuade edgebikki to come along for an exam >Have to rely on Miku >Next problem: Alert cause >Previously thought that defeating Goliath would resolve the alert >Maria thinks to herself that it could actually be due to edgebikki's Karma noise absorption >In the worst case scenario, "resolve would be needed" >Instead of letting everybody know this, she decides to keep it to herself and say that there may be other Karma noise around or some other cause >Chris wants to focus on the Kaiju and worry about the alert later >Genjuurou calls, noise >About to start fighting >Genjuurou calls, more noise >Edgebikki is already at the other location >Miku goes to the second location to find edgebikki Battle

5-12 Part 3 >Miku finds edgebikki >"Why are you being so reckless!?" >"It doesn't concern you. This is my fight." >"No, Hibiki! If you use Gungnir anymore, the fusion will-" >"Get out of my way!" >"Hibiki!" Battle

5-12 Part 4 >Noise fight finished >Edgebikki collapses >Miku sees a fragment of Gungnir fall off edgebikki's body >"Please, don't use your gear anymore, I will-" >"I don't want your lies about helping me! Nobody ever helped me!" >"The Hibiki of your world is what's important to you, and I'm just a secondary concern. Am I wrong!?" >(That's right, the scene I saw in my dream-- No matter how much I desire or wish for it, that life will never be my own!) >"Don't ever bother me again!" >(Even though I don't have it, even though I understand... I can't let myself have hope!) >"I can't just leave you alone!" >"I am not your Hibiki." >(I can't smile like that, I can't live like that. -Because I don't have anyone!) >"I don't care! Hibiki is Hibiki!" >"Then I'll prove that I'm not your Hibiki." >(Yes, if I can't have it, then-) >Black cloud surrounds hibiki >"Hibiki..." >(I can see that black fog.... Is it responding to Hibiki's emotions? If that's the case-) >"If that's the case, I'll stop you!" Battle

5-12 Part 5 >"Don't get carried away just because you have an armed gear!" >"Haven't you thought about why you don't have an armed gear!?" >"What about it!? Even without an armed gear, my hands can break anything apart.... destroy anything!" >"You're wrong, you're hands are-" >"Yeah, just like this! To break anything and everything that stands in my way!" >(Yes, destroy! This girl right in front of me!) >Flying noise appears >"Wha-!?" >"Noise!?" >"Hibiki, watch out!" >Miku is hit >(--Now! Now's my chance to kill-!?) >Hibiki: "No! STOOOOOOOOOOOP" >"No, no.... I don't want to do something like this...." >"Hibi..ki, are you, okay?" >"This isn't the time to be worrying about other people!" >"I'm glad... that you're not hurt...." >Miku collapses >(No, why did I-) >(I didn't want to do something like this, why did I do such a terrible thing-) >"Sorry.... Miku, I'm so sorry" >"It keeps welling up..." >"I won't let you lay a finger on Miku... I will pulverize you all with this fist!" Battle >"Miku!" >"Get a hold of yourself, Miku!" >"Hibiki.... You finally called me by name..." >"More than that, are you hurt?" >"I'm alright... But more than that, I'm worried about you." >"What?" >"Gungnir's fusion... the more you use it, the faster it progresses." >"Why do you know..." >"There was another Hibiki who was just the same. I know it very well." >"That time, no matter how much Hibiki was troubled.... and now, no matter how much you are suffering..." >"So please, get a proper medical examination. I don't want you to push yourself anymore." >"..." >"Please, will you listen to what I have to say?" >"...It's not fair. If you say it like that, I can't refuse..."

5-13

5-13 Part 1 >"Is the inspection done now?" >"Yes, it looks like it. We'll get the results in a few days." >"Even though it wasn't really needed..." >"No, you have to do it properly" >"Or I'll end up like your world's Hibiki?" >"I hope you won't. Anyway, the inspection is over, what should we do now?" >"Go home?" >"You can go home later. If it's no problem, would you go out with me?" >"Ah, wait- Fine." >"Hmm? It looks like there's someone in the training room." >"..." >They meet Tsubasa in the training room >She's rehabilitating, but not ready for combat yet >Maria is there, complains about sword never listening to anybody >Tsubasa is finally able to welcome edgebikki to Div2 >Miku says they're going to go >Maria asks where they're going >Going to town for a date >Tsubasa is shocked >Maria just tells them to be careful, notes how "the snow is melting." >Tsubasa is surprised that they're getting along so well >Maria asks Tsubasa out on a date >Tsubasa spaghettis and says that her concern isn't needed >Yappari, this sword is too cute >Maria just asks her to go shopping some time >Tusbasa reiterates that her concern isn't needed >Maria says that she wants to go, and wants Tsubasa to guide her since she isn't familiar with this world >Tsubasa hesitantly accepts >"We'll go after you calm down" >Maria is thankful that edgebikki accepted Miku >Tsubasa can't believe that edgebikki would hold hands with someone like that >She wants to make friends too >She says she knows the pain of Tachibana's loneliness >Maria complains to herself about how sword should just be more honest and direct, but is willing to meet her half way >Maria decides to accompany Tsubasa for more rehab training Battle >Edgebikki and Miku went to Flower >"The okonomiyaki here is delicious." >"Here, eat some." >"O.. okay" >"It's fine.. I guess.." >"Would you just be honest and say that it was good? Yappari, Obachan's okonomiyaki is the best." >Obachan: "Oh? Have you been here before?" >"Oh... uh... I used to come here before." >"Is that so? I usually remember my customer's faces, so forgive me." >(I guess that's true. This world's me hasn't ever been here before, since she isn't enrolled in Lydian...) >"I look forward to your continued patronage." >"Yes, of course. Now, lets cook up and eat a bunch. Obachan, please add the seafood mix and tomato cheese." >"Sure, wait just a moment." >(....It's good)

5-13 Part 2 >Edgebikki and Miku back in town >Talking about how they ordered too much >Edgebikki tells her to stop confusing her with the other Hibiki >Miku says that the Hibiki in front of her is another, entire separate Hibiki. >"If you understand... then it's fine I guess." >"...Hey, the other me, what kind of person is she?" >"..What kind of person... Ummm... A person who likes to eat delicious meals, I guess?" >"What? That's it?" >"Well, she likes to oversleep and then nap in class, let her homework accumulate and then cry for help..." >"Isn't that just a failure of a person?" >(But after all... it's just like what I saw in my dream...) >"Haha... I guess if that was all there was to it. But she has a lot of charm points." >"She can't help reaching out a hand to those in need... Ah, but, that's just like you." >"I'm not like that... I help people, they rely on me, and I betray them..." >"No, you don't do anything like that. At least, the Hibiki I know would never think of anything like that." >"Hibiki is... Even if she hurts herself, even if she suffers, she will never give up, and she will never give in." >"Even if you say it's fine, even if you say that you give up, she absolutely won't allow it." >"And even when she's in pain, she will always be laughing. 'Heiki, hecchara,' she'll say." >"Where have I heard that before..." >"'The magic words to help you get through any tough any tough spot'" >"Of course not... There's no magic words..." >"That may be so, but if Hibiki believes them I believe them." >"Even when she's suffering, she never loses faith, never gives up, and never hangs her head." >"That way, she continues to shine brightly on me and everyone else" >(...I just look away from suffering...) >"She calls me her sunshine, but to me she is really the sun. Without the sun, sunshine isn't... I'm not needed." >"...She's my best friend in the entire world." >"...Best... friend..." >(I'm envious... I'm jealous... This person... I want to destroy her...) >(No! I won't think about something like that--!) >"What's wrong, Hibiki-" >"It's nothing, I'm fine." >Ring ring >"Hello yes this is Kohinata." >Noise has appeared within the city, have to go deal with them >"I'm sorry, Hibiki. I'll be right back. >"I'm going too." >"No. The results of your medical examination still haven't come in yet. I'll take care of it this time, please wait here and don't fight." >"But..." >"Please. Leave it to us. Okay?" >"...Fine." Battle >"Thanks for waiting for me, Hibiki." >"It isn't like that. I thought there might be a situation where I have to fight, so just to be sure I stayed behind." >"Really? So you were worried about me. Thanks." >"Don't think of it that way. I just can't forgive the noise..." >"That's fine. Then, let's go part of the way home together." >"Together? Why?" >"Because we're in the middle of a date." >"Do what you want." >"I will." >"Well then, Chris, Maria-san, I'll see you later" >Maria and Chris show up out of nowhere >Chris: "We're close to Div2 so we're going home." >Maria: "Be careful." >Chris and Maria are surprised that edgebikki is being obedient, isn't fighting, and underwent her medical examination >Surely, Miku is getting through to her >If edgebikki's negative emotions are going away, then maybe our Hibiki will get better >Edgebikki is alone at her apartment >"I...." >(Holding hands with that girl... It was just so warm, but now...) >"Now it's freezing, it's cold..." >"No. She isn't helping me." >(I'm just secondary. That warmth, it's not for me.) >"The warmth will soon be completely gone from my hand..." >"This is just... painful..."

5-13 Part 3 >Miku and friends are at parallel Div2 >They got the results of the medical examination >"I thought it would be a good idea to tell you in advance before Hibiki-kun." >It's cancer >Edgebikki wandering Div2 >(-I wonder if Miku's here.) >(It's nothing but painful, but, I don't want to be apart from her...) >(...I don't want to be alone anymore...) >Overhears a conversation >"Hibiki-kun's condition is..." >(They're talking about me?) >"If this continues, she will die soon. That is the conclusion of our medical staff." >(---!? Then, after all...) >Miku: "No, it isn't like that." >"I understand how you feel but..." >Maria and Chris explain how it's already happened to our Hibiki >Genjuurou is shocked >Explain how SSJ can be used to vaporize relics >(Am I... saved? Will Miku save me?) >Genjuurou didn't even know SSJ could do that >It worked before, let's try again >Maria: "But before that, I want to hear a little bit more about the results of the medical examination." >"...Meaning?" >"I wanted to keep this a secret from her, but there's a possibility that there's something other than the Gungnir fusion affecting her." >"Another influence?" >Chris: "It seems like she absorbed a black one, that time she went berserk." >"Black one... A Karma noise!?" >(--So it really was that noise's--) >Miku: "Yes, so we can't use Shenshoujing carelessly-" >"Wait... I see. The truth is, we found many mysterious readings during the medical examination." >"We suspected that it was due to equipment breakdown or malfunction, but if it's like that then it seems we were wrong." >"...Inside her body, there was a mysterious energy reading. It was a different type than Gungnir." >(...) >"It fluctuated, becoming weaker or stronger. But, it was the same type as noise." >"It's unthinkable that something like that would be inside her body. To a person, that energy is a deadly poison." >"But if that's the case, then it is likely that the Gungnir's fusion is in opposition of the Karma noise's energy." >"So the Gungnir's fusion is saving her?" >"We can't be certain, but if it's not the case then I can't explain it." >"Hey wait! So if we erase her gear--!" >"It would be impossible for a normal human body to withstand that energy. Perhaps, as soon as you erase her gear..." >"Thats--" >Edgebikki stops eavesdropping, enters room >"Haha... Nothing ever changes after all. After all, nobody will save me." >"Hibiki... how long where you there?" >"After all, I'm--" >Edgebikki runs away >"Hibiki! Wait I want to talk-" >Egebikki in the woods >"So that's the way it was..." >(The chest pain, the abnormally high body temperature... I always thought it was strange...) >(The strange stones falling off of me... I don't think I'm a normal human being anymore...) >"I see... So, I'm going to die.... alone... why..." >"If I'm just going to die here, then why--" >"Why did I survive that time? If only I hadn't survived, then I wouldn't have to feel this way." >"I always suffered, it was harsh, I was lonely. Even so, nobody came to my rescue...." >"My friends, my family, everybody vanished from in front of me..." >"On top of that, I'm going to become a monster and die. I hate it.... What did I do to deserve this?" >Edgebikki gets a call from Div2 >More noise >(Thats right. If I'm going to die anyway...) >"Then I'll fight. The noise that destroyed my world, I'll take them with me!" >Karma noise appears >Egebikki starts to get mad >"It's your fault... that I became this way, everything, all of it!" >"I'll kill you!" Battle

5-13 Part 4 >Edgebikki is overpowering the Karma noise alone >She is heating up >Tells Chris to leave her be as she's going to die anyway, may as well take the noise with her >Chris tells her not to be dumb >Miku says that she will save her >Edgebikki complains that it's just words >Miku says she can save her with her gear >Edgebikki says she's lying, if she erases the gear then she'll die >Miku won't let edgebikki die >"I became an adaptor to save you, Hibiki!" >(I want to believe her... I want to... but...) >Edgebikki is running out of time >Maria wants to bring her to the medical room >Chris wants to knock down the Karma noise, it's already wounded >Edgebikki agrees >They shoot at it a bit, it disappears >Nope >Edgebikki absorbed it >Turns into berserkki >Berserkki's phonic gain is increasing into the danger zone >At the worst possible timing, Goliath shows up >(I won't give up either, Hibiki. No matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. I won't give up.....) >"Heiki hecchara, right Hibiki...." >"So... I'll absolutely save you!" Battle

5-13 Part 5 >After the battle >"Hibiki! Wake up, Hibiki!" >Chris: "Shit, we aren't getting to her. Isn't there anything we can do old man!?" >Absorbing the Karma noise's curse has, in combination with her relic cancer, has provoked her berserk state and placed strain on her body >"That's not what I was asking! I was asking for a way to help her!" >Maria: "Now that it's come to this, there's nothing we can do except for to fully purge her with Shenshoujing." >Chris: "If you do that now, then she'll die of the curse!" >Inside edgebikki's mind >"Ah... after all... this pitch blackness, is where I belong." >"In the end, I'm alone and nobody rescued me." >"So... I'll destroy... it all!" >Resume berserkki >Attacks Maria and Chris, heads downtown >Miku asks if they're okay, Chris says to chase the idiot >Leave the Kaiju to Chris and Maria, Miku is the only one who can help edgebikki >Tsubasa shows up >Miku goes to save edgebikki, leaving Tsubasa, Chris, and Maria to deal with Goliath >Chris says Tsubasa is being too reckless >I am sakimori sword >Sun is about to set, preparations are almost done, need hold out until then >Night falls >They implement the plan, flash, Goliath stops moving >Fooled it into thinking the sun was still up using artificial light, its energy levels are dropping >Chris and Maria ignite Battle >Goliath is defeated >No time to rest here, gotta catch edgebikki >Genjuurou calls, things not going will for edgebikki >Lots of energy due to the synergy of relic cancer and karma curse >If a normal human were to approach, they'd probably die >If edgebikki gets to downtown, there could be a lot of casualties >It will be difficult to capture her in berserkki state >"If Miku-kun can't destroy her gear, then there will be no other way to stop her than to defeat her." >Chris: "And will she be saved by that!?" >"That's..." >Tsubasa: "At that time... I'll.. do it. I will cut her down." >Maria: "Tsubasa..." >Tsubasa: "That is the duty of an adaptor in this world." >Maria: "Wait! She is desperately trying to help her, even now!" >"As long as she doesn't give up, we shouldn't give up either!"

5-14

>"Hibiki, this incredible heat... Even from this far away, I can tell..." >"If I can't stop her and she gets to town, it'll be bad..." >"I won't let Hibiki hurt anyone! Hibiki! Please stop!" >"Shut up.... shutupshutup! Nobody saves me... nobody!" >"Killing... Destruction... That's what this fist is for--!" >(HAYAI!) >(If she won't let me focus Shenshoujing's power, then I can't disintegrate her gear...) >(I have to find a way to stop her from moving...) >(But, what should I do....?) >(If I can force Hibiki to regain her will, her memories, just for a moment....) >Flashback to earlier in the event >"Then I know of a good place to go stargazing. Let's go together sometime." >"I guess I want to see just a little bit..." >"Then it's a promise. We'll go together." >End flashback >(This Hibiki doesn't know that place... But, if their spirits are in sync--) >"Over here, Hibiki!" >Miku leads Hibiki to a clearing in the forest >(Hibiki's movements have stopped....?) >"The other day, I promised you. That we'd go to a place where you can see the stars clearly." >"This place is... for me, a very sentimental place." >(Promise.... sentimental...?) >"Please, Hibiki! Come home! You can't be in such a dark place!" >"I am not in your memories. A promise..." >"Hibiki.... Can you hear my voice?" >"...is good for nothing. Watching the stars, in a place like this, means nothing." >"That's not true! We promised, you aren't alone!" >"A promise.... I don't understand..." >"You can't make a promise by yourself you know." >"When small promises pile up, you can create precious memories." >"Even in difficult times, they continue to shine in your heart, becoming stars." >"So... Hibiki. Understand. You aren't alone anymore." >"Tsubasa-san, Genjuurou-san, everyone is worrying about you. Your feelings, your anxiety, people who care about you are close to you." >"Do not turn away from the promises you've made and the connections you've formed." >"Do not give up on anything. Stop grasping things as if you are going to destroy them." >"Your fist is not for that..." >"...Shut up! Do not impose your selfish feelings on me! I, my fist, is to destroy, destroy everything--!" >"No! Hibiki always is, a good girl who can't go without helping people..." >"Be honest with yourself! Don't deceive your true heart!" >"How could you understand anything about my feelings!? You never helped me! You abandoned me! How-" >"Hibiki, show me your hands." >"Your hands without weapons, they're proof that you really want to hold hands with people more than anyone else..." >"Those hands... Are Tachibana Hibiki's armed gear!" >"These hands... are my... armed gear...?" >"And another thing, that you're wrong about..." >Flashback >"But if that's the case, then it is likely that the Gungnir's fusion is in opposition of the Karma noise's energy." >"So the Gungnir's fusion is saving her?" >"We can't be certain, but if it's not the case then I can't explain it." >"Hey wait! So if we erase her gear--!" >"It would be impossible for a normal human body to withstand that energy. Perhaps, as soon as you erase her gear..." >End flashback >(It's okay. I believe. Shenshoujing, my song, will certainly save Hibiki) >(So, no matter what happens-) >"Kohinata Miku will never abandon Hibiki! Never!" >(Hibiki.... Lend me, your strength...) >Miku sings her superb song >"Thats her... superb song..." >(Don't sing that! If you sing that then...!) >(...Why, for someone like me... Nobody saved me anyway... Everyone else was together, and no one with me... but...) >(--No. Kohinata Miku was always concerned for me, always by my side, and was the one to help me. And so, I loved Miku.) >(Why did I forget, something so obvious...) >(I have to save...) >(I HAVE TO SAVE MIKU!) >Edgebikki sings her superb song >Tsubasa, Chris, and Maria show up >Tsubasa: "Where did those two go? >Maria: "Surely they should be around here... We have to hurry!" >Tsubasa: "Wait! This is, Kohinata and Tachibana's song.... It can't be, their superb song!?" >S2CA tornado appears >Tsubasa: "What was that light just now? What's going on--!?" >Chris: "That was, it can't be, S2CA!" >"How?! Without that idiot, why is S2CA!?" >Maria: "Perhaps, Tachibana Hibiki finally grabbed her outstretched hand." >"The Tachibana Hibiki we know and the Tachibana Hibiki here are fundamentally the same." >"A girl who wants to hold hands more than anybody else." >Chris: "You don't think, that this light, is because..." >X-Drive Miku appears >Miku: "This... This power..." >(I can feel it... The warmth and the strength... This is the power... of my feelings for Hibiki...) >Hibiki: "Stop.... Don't shine that light one me!" >Miku: "Hibiki... Tell me.... What is it you truly hope for? What is it you truly wish for!?" >"For your sake I can do anything.... I will grant you anything!" >Hibiki: "I don't have any hopes! Leave me alone..." >(No! I'm sick of being alone! I hate being alone in this dark place!) >"I was never helped anyway. So I being alone from the start was fine..." >(...Hope is useless, even if I wish for it, nobody will save me...) >(I understand that! But... If it's this person, I feel like she can save me.) >(So please, just one more time...) >"Please.... save me...." >Miku: "Hibiki.... you finally answered. I've finally heard it. Your true voice." >"Okay. I'll save you. I promise." >Berserkki attacks, Eiai Promise starts playing >"Hibiki... I won't let go of your hand! NEVER EVER!" Battle >Miku: "My thoughs... Everyone's thoughts... How much we treasure you, everybody's feelings--- will reach you!!" >"I will shake off the darkness that gnaws at her heart---!" >Very poorly pre-rendered version of X-Drive Miku's laser beam >Hibiki: "AAAAAAA!? It doesn't... hurt...? What is this... light..." >(Aahh... it's warm... almost like...) >Miku drops her transformation >Miku: "HIBIKI----!" >Hibiki: (Miku is... reaching her hand out, to me--) >"MIKU....MIKU----!" >(...I finally understand what the other me said. That's right... To me, Miku is-) >"Mi,ku.... I'm.. sorry..." >Miku: "Heiki, hecchara, isn't it?" >Hibiki: "Yeah... thanks..." >Miku: "Welcome home, Hibiki..."

5-15

>Chris and Maria at the Gjallarhorn gate >Chris: "So it's finally over?" >Maria: "Yeah it seems like it. We've defeated the bosses and saved the girl." >Miku: "Uhm, I'm going to go check on Hibiki-" >Elf9: "Welcome back, everyone." >Gen: "Good job, I'm glad you made it back safely." >Chris: "What's with you two? Were you waiting for us to come back again?" >Elf9: "No, the Gjallarhorn Alert stopped, so we thought you would return soon." >Maria: "Really? Well, I'm glad the alert finally stopped." >Chris: "If that wasn't enough to stop it, then we would have to give up" >Gen: "It seems like this time was a tough fight, too. Good work you three, you've earned a good rest." >Miku: "Um, before that, how's Hibiki's condition?" >Gen: "I think it would be faster to hear it from her directly." >Miku: "Eh?" >Hibiki: "WELCOME HOME, MIKU!" >Miku: "Hibiki..." >"HIBIKI----!!" >Hibiki: "Miku, I'm so glad you made it back safely~." >Miku: "Well I'm so glad that you got better..." >Elf9: "The alert was resolved and at roughly the same time she regained consciousness" >"As if there wasn't anything wrong in the first place, she suddenly recovered." >Miku: "Hibiki, does it still hurt anywhere?" >Hibiki: "Nope, I'm fine now-owowow" >Miku: "Hibiki... Are you..." >Hibiki: "It- hurts-" >Chris: "H-hey! What's going on? Didn't you say that it was all better!?" >Elf9: "Please calm down. It is likely that it is simply a stomach ache due to over-eating." >Maria: "Over-eating...?" >Gen: "Honestly, even if her physical condition has improved, I can't believe she can eat that much." >Hibiki: "But, I was really hungry... It was almost like my stomach and back were stuck together 100 times." >"Uu, I'm going to throw up..." >Chris: "You idiot! Don't mislead us like that!" >Chris assaults Hibiki >Hibiki: "Ow! I'm still sick, so you should pity me more~." >Miku: "Hibiki please." >Maria: "As surprising as always I suppose. It doesn't even seem like she went through any hardship." >Gen: "If she's like this, then it means you managed to safely help the other world's Hibiki." >Miku: "Yes. It's already fine." >"Not just the matter of her fusion, but her heart too..." >"I was able to get through to her that she wasn't alone... Besides--" >In the other world >Gen: "It's incredible that only the corroded portions were removed so cleanly.... I'm nothing but impressed." >Tsubasa: "That's the results of Tachibana's medical check?" >Gen: "Yes. In their Miku's light, the tissue that began to fuse was completely erased." >"Of course, this includes the energy thought to be from the Karma noise was also erased. Everything has vanished completely." >Fujitaka: "But, since that includes the Gungnir fragment, she can no longer wear a gear." >Gen: "Yes, but, compared to her life, it's rather trivial. Well, I suppose it is unfortunate that our combat capacity has decreased." >"That reminds me. Ryouko-kun should be returning soon." >Tomosato: "Yes, the Shenshoujing pendant that Ryouko-san made, she'll surely be surprised that we found a suitable adaptor for it." >Fujitaka: "She also missed the X-Drive Mode activation. She's going to be pretty frustrated." >Gen: "Haha. No doubt about it. She'll just have to make due with the observation data." >Tomosato: "But... it really was a miracle to be able to save Hibiki from that state." >Gen: "Well, that's not the real miracle here." >"The power to save the heart of a girl, alone in despair, who rejected herself and everything else in the world, now that is worthy of being called a miracle." >Tsubasa: "...Yes, I suppose that is true." >Gen: "Well, anyway... We don't have to worry about Hibiki anymore. She has regained the courage to take other's hands and to connect hearts." >Tsubasa: "Anyhow, where is she now? I heard that the examination was completed but..." >Fujitaka: "It seems that after the examination finished she went home..." >Tsubasa: "Honestly. Even if she isn't an adaptor anymore, I wanted to do some things with her..." >"I had hoped that we would be able to work cooperatively, just a little...." >Gen: "What, isn't that unexpectedly early?" >Elsewhere >Hibiki: (These hands...) >"These hands aren't for destroying anything... Right, Miku..." >(Joining hands with someone... This hand, can join with someone...) >"I'm not alone... Once I joined hands, even after letting go we are still connected..." >(So, it's okay. I'm heiki, hecchara.) >"....Speaking of which, she's gone now. I wonder if I'll be able to meet her again...." >(I guess... it's impossible. Since she lives in the other world.) >(But I'm sure, one day I'll meet her again-) >???: "Hibiki..." >Hibiki: "Eh...?" >"Miku...?" >Memoria scene >"Why are you still here?" >Miku: "Hibiki... Hibiki! I always wanted to see you again..." >Hibiki: "We just separated, why are you acting that way..." >(Huh? Something's... different? >Miku: "I'm sorry... After that, I left you without saying goodbye." >Hibiki: "Eh? Are you-" >Miku: "I wrote you letters, but you never replied... No matter how many times I came to see you, you were never there..." >Hibiki: (This girl... No, this Miku is--) >"Miku, why are you....?" >Miku: "Some people from the Disaster Relief Squad came..." >Hibiki: "Those people did..." >Miku: "I'm sorry. I wasn't by your side in your darkest hour-- But... I'm glad I finally got to see you... Hibiki..." >Hibiki: (Miku..., she's warm... oh.. that's right. At that time, I remembered. Miku was always my sunshine.) >"That's right. I finally found you. The place where I belong is right here." >Hidamari Memoria Finish

[hauntedharlequinn]

heya guys, so-

first off, hi!

second off, i’m okay, i promise. this is probably the longest period of time ive fallen out of contact, and im sorry.

housefire stuff is still a hassle. i recently got a computer that was capable of drawing, so yay. we’re changing houses within the week, so ill probably shortly dip out of contact again. i wanted to get this out before we changed houses though, because there’s some talk that this next one isn’t gonna have internet connection. we should only be there for a few weeks, and then it’s back into the main house again, and everything should be RRRIGHT AS RAIN. 

i have a decent amount of art i can post when i can next get to a scanner. at the moment, it looks like im not going to be able to get any of the data i had on my old computer back, so im back to square one on things like talksprites and refs.

sorry i vanished without saying a word. my family’s housefire threw my life into a tizzy more than i thought it would, and i needed some time to reconstitute myself. i was extremely exhausted for a bunch of different reasons, none of which are really anyone’s fault, and i guess i needed more time than i anticipated to cool off. so what started off as a couple days off turned into a week which turned into a month which turned into months and... yeah. i definitely should have said something to you all before i went MIA and im sorry i didn’t, that’s on me. i’ve missed you guys lots, though, and its honestly really relieving to come back on here.

more lengthy ramble about,, just, generally where i’ve been at below. y’all dont have to read it, but i feel like i need to share it so that people understand.

i’ve been trying to figure out what i think ive needed to say for a while now. it’s nothing bad, but it has a lot to do with me, and how able i am to participate in these things. i say “able” because, given my past record and from what i’ve come to understand about myself, is that there is something physically exhausting for me about coming on and doing the things i love to do, which causes me to withdraw for a bit. and even if i love it, and even if its what i enjoy more than anything else, i wind up having to remove myself from people for a while, and that’s really tiring to the people who try to get to know me.

without getting too personal, the past couple years have been especially hard for me - not only as a writer, but also as someone just trying to adjust and figure themselves out. after some pretty serious stuff happened that kinda already landed me on thin ice for a while, i tried use my writing as a coping mechanism but wasn’t able to meet the same standard that i used to, which made me feel worse. i guess when the housefire happened, and i was estranged from most of my art & progress and i felt like i had nothing to back myself up, that that thin ice finally gave way and i needed some time to fall apart for a bit. 

i really want to continue working on everything ive helped build, i really, really do, but im starting to question whether i physically am able to. this isnt to say i want to sign off or quit roleplaying forever, or that im not attached to the people and connections ive made on here, but 7 months is a long long time to just. feel. completely unable to do anything, and undoubtedly lots has happened since i faded out. knowing this, i have to wonder if ill ever be at the same pace as everyone again, and if i should plan for that instead of leaving everyone hanging.

the thing is, i still love writing, and i still love roleplaying, and art, and the friends and plots ive made along the way. im a creator by nature, and i dont think i could ever stop working on my characters or my worlds if i tried. but ever since some messy stuff i would rather not get into, i feel like my writing ability (plus, my ability to connect and talk with others) has been stunted. and the nature of this lively, constantly evolving world demands that i not be stunted, that i be able to reply consistently and be available for questioning and for people to build their creativity upon. but i might not have it in me, which makes me a tease for the people who like my work and want to do things with me, plus frankly just.... hurts.

i dont really know where to go from here, because i feel like i have to participate to be happy, i crave this world and i crave it’s adventures and people within it, but i dont want to keep building things up and letting people down when i cannot follow through. i wish i could come out and make a definitive statement of, “I will be continuing this on X date!!” or “I will be abandoning this project and moving onto X!!”, for your guys’s sake, but, i just dont know. 

i think i just needed some time to be hurt. and when i realized i was more hurt than i thought i was, ...thats when i had a hard time coming back.

all and all, im not dead. i probably will keep checking in, and i will keep writing and creating and adding onto the pile of fiction that this site has become for me. i dont want to make any promises about my activity until im sure i can make ones i can keep, and for that i’m sorry. i’ll probably start with profiles, maybe an ask or two to get the ball moving.

whatever happens, thank you guys. you’ve all been really supportive of me, and i really do love putting my work on here. my problem right now is clearly an internal one, because i’ve received a lot of external love and appreciation on here that has kept me going for a really long time. 

i love you all, i hope this made sense. in any case, its nice to vent. thanks for sticking with me <3

[aturinfortheworse]

intimidatethevoid replied to your post “constantly torn between “respect your friends’ rights to sometimes be...”

just saiyan. you can always ask me stuff like that. forreal. i understand and wonder the same thing all the time. so if you get that too then of course you can absolutely ask me. i will not be bothered.

Thank You

(ahaha this is really long because i over analyse EVERYTHING and i think about this a lot and you got to be the lucky person my thoughts about this were aimed at. you dont have to read this. but you can. technically any of us can do anything.)

 but also i think it’s a lose/lose to ask in that way. like “keep this to myself” and “ask this exact question” are both bad options. i think probably the better 3rd option is like... communicate about this feeling, and maybe some reassurance behaviours that are less directly linked to The Question.

because it’s like I ask the question and what’s anyone going  to say? “I never find you annoying” is hard to believe bc it just...seems unlikely... and even if it’s true and if I somehow did believe it, it only reinforces “reassure me that I am not annoying” as the only good outcome. and if it’s true and i don’t believe you, that’s bad for Mutual Trust and also my inevitable (if probably private) hostility in that situation would probably be unpleasant. and its not true that’s really bad because then you lied to me. presumably neither of us would find that enjoyable at all.  and i can pressure people into giving me the Unpleasant answer as proof of their honesty and that’s also not good for anyone.

so I guess the ideal outcome is something that provides reassurance for the underlying anxiety (We are friends? I like you and you like me?) without like reinforcing that one specific thing. and if there’s a way to combine that with acknowledging annoyance as a healthy (even positive) part of every relationship that’s the ideal.

Like i’m not very concerned about You Specifically right now because we had excellent hang out and obviously we were both delightful company. I can coast on us being mutually delightful people for like... probably a year or more if it doesnt get replaced by new data (Which I hope it will! Because you’re neat!)

It’s the times I’m (we’re?) neutral-to-pleasant company that are horrifying. 

 i guess i just don’t totally understand what people see in me outside of the context of me being Delightful Company. i assume y’all are just holding out for those times. in between those times im kind of just a gargoyle providing low-to-moderate levels of emotional support and practical advice.

also because relationships are Reciprocal, i have most of these feelings in reverse about other people too. if people are Not Ever annoyed by me, than my being annoyed by them is BAD.and thats obviously not true but its hard. I’m constantly searching for justification that seeing other people is better than being alone and that’s not a good hoop to force other people to jump through.  we shouldnt have to prove that to each other.

[nh0betsm-blog]

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[topicprinter]

Hi all, I recently wrote this post about how Drip screwed over its most loyal customers and I thought perhaps /r/Entrepreneur would get value out of my lessons learned.----If you’re not familiar, Drip is email marketing software that’s pretty heavy on the marketing automation front. I won’t do them the courtesy of a link, so you’ll have to Google them if you want to check it out.They’ve been around since 2012 or so, founded by someone I trusted, but he sold the business to Leadpages a few years ago, and it’s been going downhill ever since.I’ve been using them for years as the backbone of two “side” businesses: IndieHive, which covers this website for freelancers and the related products and services that I sell, and Everleads, a curated lead generation site for freelance designers and developers.In 2016 and 2017, I really dug deep into Drip. I built out dozens of interconnected workflows to carefully shepherd my subscribers through various funnels and sequences with duplicate emails or annoying content that’s not relevant to them. I integrated my web front-end with their APIs so that I could customize the site for subscribers. I wrote bridging scripts to connect it to Mixpanel for analytics, and I used Zapier to hook Drip up to even more services. It was the heart of my entire business, and it was awesome.But throughout 2018, things started to go awry.I kept experiencing glitches in the workflows where people would get stuck on workflow steps that should be instant, like “remove tag”. Or people would end one workflow and start another, but not have any of the data that the first workflow had set. There were honestly dozens of these little glitches, but individually they were minor.Also troubling: deliverability started to slip. Not precipitously, and I can’t prove that it wasn’t just my emails, but I have heard from others that they were having issues with getting their emails into people’s inboxes in 2018.But the most egregious thing for all of this was that support was basically no help at all. I probably opened two dozen support requests in 2018 and I’m not sure they actually resolved a single one. We’d spend hours going back and forth so they could even understand the problem. Then they’d almost always say one of two things:“For a workaround, just insert a number of delays between steps in your workflows so that the system doesn’t get confused!” So all my workflows had little 5 minute delay steps to try and make sure things worked correctly. Which they still didn’t. Wtf.Or they’d just say they need to escalate to the developers and then I’d get an email weeks or months later from some random support engineer letting me know they were still looking into why the most basic functions of their software don’t work right. Awesome.Alarmed by this, I repeatedly researched alternatives throughout 2018, but nothing seemed worth going through the pain of migration and the risk of just having similar issues somewhere else. So I kept resolving to be patient with Drip and hope (pray) that they were hard at work at undoing whatever architectural disaster had led us here.And then…In early January 2019, while I was on a relaxing cruise with my wife for our 15th anniversary, I got an email from Drip:https://ryanwaggoner.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/drip-bullshit-pricing-email-2.pngSo basically: “Hey, we’re raising our prices in 12 days! You can keep your current price if you switch to an annual plan!”And if you read it carefully, there’s something pretty important missing from this email.It doesn’t say what the new pricing is**. Seriously wtf.**So I emailed to ask. They responded the next day (so now I have 11 days) to reveal they were doubling my monthly price.Drip raised my price from $184 / month to $368 / month with 12 days notice.That’s just about the worst way imaginable to treat your oldest and most loyal customers.And it was the last straw for me.Now, to be clear, I completely understand wanting to grow a company in a new direction, or thinking that you need to raise prices to reflect more value.But you don’t do it when your platform is half-broken, you don’t do it with 12 days notice, and you grandfather in existing customers, at least for long enough for them to migrate. Also, you tell them the price when you tell them that prices are rising.It’s hard to imagine how Drip could have been more disrespectful to their customer base than what they did here.So as of last month, I switched all my subscribers to ConvertKit and ActiveCampaign for Everleads and IndieHive, respectively. That’s thousands of dollars that Drip won’t be getting from me. I managed to get both setups completely migrated off just before their billing renewal dates, in one case with literal minutes to spare.It was a pain and required some late nights but it was worth it to deny them another penny.I’m not alone in feeling upset about this. Twitter was ablaze for weeks with people who were angry and bailing for greener, more respectful pastures. I’ve taken a sick joy in watching a lot of people migrate off Drip with much larger lists than mine.I also cancelled Leadpages in favor of Instapage. I was already unhappy with Leadpages, mainly because it feels pretty clunky and dated, they aren’t very responsive to user feedback, and they’re still missing some pretty basic things (like being able to pass form data to the thank you page. Seriously?).Side note: I was going to link to the Leadpages idea portal, but they apparently shut it down. Makes sense, since it was filled with hundreds of good ideas with many, many customer votes that had been ignored for years.Regardless, even if Leadpages was awesome, they own Drip and I won’t give another penny to such an unethical company that treats its customers so poorly.And this migration was a huge pain (which is what they were counting on), partly because of how complex my Drip setups were, but also because ConvertKit and ActiveCampaign are both pretty different from each other and from Drip. On the surface, they all do some of the same things, but once you dig in, things diverge, which made the migration especially painful.Drip is complicated. Stupidly so. In fact, it’s so complicated that there are a number of problems using it:It doesn’t really work. I mean, it does like 99% of the time, but that last 1% means that some of your subscribers are going to have a bad time. And it’s not just that their emails won’t show up. They might just get stuck in a workflow, or skip some emails in a sequence, or get things at the wrong times, or lose data, etc. And since this happens randomly, the number of subscribers who experience it accumulates over time.The customer support reps don’t really know how it works, because it’s too complicated. So you end up spending hours writing up descriptions of the problem and putting together screencasts to show how things don’t seem to be working, and the only response you get is that they’ll have to ask the developers.It encourages you to setup really fancy complex automations which, even if they did work, are way beyond what you actually need. Just imagine: you can do anything! You can track everything! You can have an unlimited number of tags and fields! Track and automate all the things!Your setup can end up being really brittle and deeply tied to the Drip architecture, which is a problem if you want to migrate off. And it’s hard to expand and modify over time without breaking all kinds of things for your subscribers who are in those automations.The setup is hard to document. It’s easy to end up with a large collection of documents and spreadsheets and screencasts to try and explain not only what you did, but why you did it.It’s hard to audit and debug when things go wrong. And things will go wrong. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s happening with your subscribers, where things went off the rails, and how to get it back on track without screwing things up further.In the end, Drip for me felt like a really shitty programming language. Technically possible to do almost anything, but so painful that in the end you wish you hadn’t bothered.By contrast, ConvertKit is simple. And yes, I think it’s too simple in places. I think there are some genuine gaps in the functionality that makes it a little too hard to get done the things you want.But I’m also aware of the fact that I’m coming from Drip and a really convoluted setup, so being forced to simplify is probably a good thing.And ActiveCampaign is not simple, but it’s powerful in a bunch of ways that Drip should have been. Additionally, it has the distinction of actually being, you know, functional. Crazy, I know.Also, ActiveCampaign apparently is more open to feedback than Drip. I posted a Twitter thread listing some things that I like about it and Jason VandeBoom, the founder of ActiveCampaign, setup a call with me to go over some of my feedback. And ActiveCampaign isn’t a tiny company; they have hundreds of employees and are much larger than Drip. It meant a lot to me that Jason would just jump on the phone with a random customer to see how they could improve.Meanwhile Drip’s emails aren’t even signed by an actual person. During this whole debacle, I don’t think anyone from Drip actually responded to anyone’s tweets or complaints. A couple days after the initial announcement when things were blowing up on Twitter, they sent this out another email that was basically "sorry, not sorry"Just like their price increase, all of their corporate communication just screams “We don’t care about you. Go away.”So I did.I’m actually really glad that I dropped Drip, after all that. Partly because of how much better ConvertKit and ActiveCampaign are as tools, but mostly because it taught me a lesson about how you need to be careful when you’re a small company about who you integrate with, because while your interests may align now, that could change at any point.But this rant has gone on long enough, so I’ll save that point for a future post.Disclaimer: just in case Drip decides to sue me (which would be so on-brand for them at this point), ALL the descriptions of Drip’s functionality, failings, and communications is to the best of my recollection and should not be taken as a literal word-for-word account.----Happy to answer any questions about my experience with Drip, ConvertKit, or ActiveCampaign. Would also love to hear anyone else's experiences with any of those (or others you'd recommend in the space of email-based marketing automation).Original post: https://ryanwaggoner.com/drip-pricing-review/

[denisalvney]

How Jennifer the Photographer Discovered a Love of Strength Training, Lost 20 Pounds, and Leveled up Her Life.

“This is why we do this.”

When I heard Jennifer’s story, I knew I had to share it.

She’s a member of the Nerd Fitness community who for years struggled with things most of us can relate to:

Seeking comfort in sugary foods and alcohol.

A lack of energy and all around feeling of fatigue.

An eating disorder as a teenager that created an unhealthy relationship with food.

Not knowing her next step towards a healthier lifestyle.

Jennifer found herself stuck in this pattern until rock bottom presented itself: divorce.

When bad times strike, it becomes easy to slip further into bad habits and vices.

Jennifer knew this and realized she had to turn her life around.

Six months ago, she did just that.

Today, Jennifer loves strength training and is the strongest she’s ever been. She changed her views on food and nutrition and is no longer intimidated by the kitchen. Jennifer recently completed her first 8k, something she couldn’t have dreamed of doing before.

And oh, Jennifer just came back from an epic photography trip where her new found stamina and strength allowed her to hike mountains to capture some awesome shots:

That’s her!

I’m honored that Jennifer has been a member of our 1-on-1 Online Coaching program since August, and has used our guidance to level up her life!

While strength training and getting comfortable in the kitchen are important, the real success for Jennifer has been with her mindset. She knows she can’t change everything at once and is using one small change to spring into another change and then another, using each as a stepping stone to the next.

This new frame of mind is something we can all learn from.

It’s how Jennifer was able to transform so quickly and lose 20 pounds in a healthy, sustainable way. While it seems like changing everything at once is the quickest way to success, it’s often too stressful and thus abandoned.

However, if you do what Jennifer did, and start with one simple habit like a food journal – it can start improving other areas of your life too.

You don’t need to hear it from me though…

Let’s bring in Jennifer!

HOW JENNIFER THE PHOTOGRAPHER LOST 20 POUNDS AND LEVELED UP HER LIFE

STEVE: Hi Jennifer! Thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me.

I’d love to hear from you about your past – can you describe a normal day for you before you joined NF Coaching?

JENNIFER: My day was pretty random, with no real set schedule. It would be hard for me to get up in the morning, and then I’d have an unhealthy breakfast – the American South is full of delicious things like biscuits and fried foods. Later in the day, I’d often find myself needing to take a long nap.

Looking back, I did not have any sort of set schedule and spent my days with a foggy brain and zero energy.

STEVE: I hear ya. A super carb heavy and sugary breakfast can send your blood sugar on a rollercoaster for the day. Sometimes a nap is the only way off of it.

What changed? What made you invest in yourself by joining Nerd Fitness Coaching last summer?

JENNIFER: I had a really horrific divorce and hit an all time low. I moved out of my home in Seattle, WA, back to my hometown in North Carolina. Sometimes you just have to escape your surroundings.

I found myself comforting with sugary foods and alcohol. You know, totally healthy antidepressants.

This really started to take a toll on my body.

I had a moment of clarity then, as I realized I just didn’t have enough knowledge or drive to make changes on my own. I’m a believer in the “spoon theory,” which is a metaphor you see around the internet, which helps explain the limited amount of energy we face.

Imagine having twelve spoons handed to you each morning. Every task or difficult scenario takes a spoon from you. Often at the end of the day, you have no more “spoons” to give.

I knew I’d be much more successful with a routine that didn’t require any “spoons” to get to the gym. Instead, I could just start with workouts from home.

It was right about then I decided to give the Nerd Fitness Coaching program a try. I decided I wanted to be told exactly what to do, which again would require less “spoons” from me.

STEVE: I love the analogy of “spoons!” We’ve talked here in the past that willpower can be a finite resource for many. By the end of the day, you really can just be drained. Our philosophy on the subject matches your thoughts on spoon theory. That’s why we always encourage people to design systems that have the least amount of friction and require the least amount of willpower, or “spoons.”

I’m glad you realized this and wanted to create a system where you could start working out from home. You can grow the practice into a gym routine (or not) later. The important thing is finding a system that allows you to start TODAY.

You’ve been with coach Evan now for six months. Can you talk to me a little bit about what he had you do?

JENNIFER: Evan started me out just counting calories, learning about the foods I ate, and getting used to comfortably logging my meals.

I had an eating disorder as a teenager. Hyper-focusing on everything I was eating and logging it all was really starting to trigger a lot of anxiety and bad memories in the beginning.

But I told Evan all of this at our first meeting and he has been very good about helping me completely turn my perspective around about tracking my meals. He told me not to have any judgment about what I was eating, and to view the practice as a scientist collecting data.

That perspective helped (Steve’s note: woo! Science rules!)

For exercise, Evan started me out just taking a walk every day, followed shortly by some basic bodyweight exercises. At first, these were really tough, because I was really out of shape to start. I’d end most sessions a sweaty exhausted mess on the floor.

Then Evan added in more dumbbell exercises (I have a small set at home and borrowed a bench from my family) and I instantly fell in love with those exercises! Evan made sure to add more of those into my routine as well.

STEVE: That’s great to hear Jennifer. It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of strength training.

What’s your routine like now? What else is Evan having you do?

JENNIFER: 5 months in, I’m even more of an avid walker. I walk daily, sometimes over 5 miles, or sometimes shorter if my walking buddies bail on me.

Total flakes (j/k, I love you guys).

I do strength training 3 days a week with a combination of bodyweight and dumbbell exercises.

We just introduced some yoga routines to both help with stress relief and to help with stretching and mobility. I have had some issues with cranky muscles and joints on occasion, which yoga is helping with.

The whole experience has been crazy to me.

I’ve gotten to the point where I enjoy some kind of physical activity every day of the week.  

And fell IN LOVE with lifting weights.

It is damn satisfying to see myself becoming a chick with “guns.”

At this point, I have bigger biceps than my father and brother, haha. I am loving every second of that. It feels so good to be strong and be able to handle things on my own.

As a female, that is even more important to me because society is pretty much built around telling us women that we can’t be strong enough and we cannot do things on our own. I am fed up with that cultural stereotype!

As an aside, prior to joining NF Coaching, I was greatly inspired by Staci’s story and transformation. I like to think I’m following in her footsteps.

STEVE: Yes! I love it. I think everyone should follow a strength training practice: man, woman, child, grandparent, self-aware robot… all of them! I’m really glad you found this new passion.

Also, I’m glad you found inspiration from Staci! Many a rebel around here have also changed their lives after reading about Staci.

You sent over some awesome pics of a recent trip in Scotland. Can you talk to me a little bit about that?

JENNIFER: It was my goal in 2018 to do a hiking trip in Scotland. With Evan’s help, I got enough strength and endurance to do exactly that!

I went on a photography workshop on the Isle of Skye and completed the most difficult hike I have ever done up to a rock structure called the Old Man of Storr. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I couldn’t have done it without Evan’s help. So I am quite grateful.

I wanted to be able to do the mountain hikes with all my heavy camera gear on my back, without being assigned to the group of folks who couldn’t do as much. I knew I was in no shape to do it originally.

However, Evan and I created a plan, executed it, and boom! Up the mountain I went.

I can do so many cool things with my body that I wasn’t able to do 5 months ago! I power walked my first 8k about a month after starting with Evan. It was hard but I had built the endurance from walking every single day before it.

STEVE: I think it’s so great that you worked towards a goal and then hit it. I often encourage people to try and build up strength for an event. Something like a marathon, a ski trip, or in your case a photography workshop on the top of a mountain.

It gives you something to shoot for, something to motivate you to work out when it seems so much easier to skip it. I’m glad you created a goal for yourself, made a plan with your coach, and then nailed it!

Your physical appearance has changed. What else has changed about you?

JENNIFER: I’ve had vast improvements in my posture which I think in turn has improved my self-confidence.

There’s something about standing straight and tall with your shoulders back that makes you feel a bit like a badass. Someone who can conquer anything the day will throw at you.

I’ve also battled depression for most of my adult life. And while it by no means is cured, the severity of it has been lessened by the daily physical activity and improved nutrition.

All around, today I have the general ability to do more things because I have more energy and focus than I used to.

I still have days when I get overly stressed out and go a bit off the rails with my nutrition and make unhealthy choices. However, I appreciate Nerd Fitness for the “never twice in a row” mindset. It keeps me from feeling like an utter failure if I have a day with too much pizza or delicious cake or something. I just know the next day, it’s time for me to get back on track.

STEVE: That’s so cool! I’m happy “never twice in a row” resonated with you. I think it’s an important tool for preventing bad habits from developing. When people slip up (and we all slip up), it can become so easy to continue. Having a motto that stops this trend from continuing is a game-changer. I’m proud of you Jennifer.  

You mentioned a need to adjust your relationship with food. Can you talk to me a little bit about that? What’s your nutrition strategy like now?

JENNIFER: I’m proud to say I’ve changed my relationship with food. I’ve always used food as a comfort. Knowing this, I was really nervous about even just logging my food. Looking back though, it was such an important first step.

Tracking everything I was eating was eye-opening.

It helped me see what I was putting into my body, which gave me more confidence and determination in the kitchen. As of today, I’ve conquered cooking all kinds of foods, founds healthy recipes I enjoy, and am beginning to work on meal prep. Evan has a strategy for me to plan ahead on food preparation.

Healthy eating really has been a game changer. I am much more clear-headed today than I was six months ago, and I credit nutrition as a huge reason why.

I don’t really follow Paleo or anything like that.

Coach Evan has introduced me more into a “If It Fits Your Macros” style of eating. He really hammered in the thought that I had to eat protein with every meal.

I’ve also drastically reduced my sugar and alcohol consumption, although I’ll still indulge from time to time. Going back to “If It Fits Your Macros,” if I know I’m going to be eating dessert or having some drinks, I’ll plan for it and reduce my calories and carbs beforehand. Again though, I’m doing this less and less. I actually prefer healthier foods now, to be honest.

STEVE: That’s great to hear you say that. We here at Nerd Fitness continuously remind everyone that 80-90% of the weight loss comes down to nutrition. Not only that, but REAL food just makes you feel better. Which will give you more energy to workout. I’m glad that Evan has helped you see a plate of food differently.

What are you still working on? What new habits are you trying to develop?

JENNIFER: I am still establishing a fixed routine for sleeping and waking up, which is definitely something that has been a struggle to do. I have seen improvements though.

I’ve created a pretty solid breakfast routine, prioritizing protein. Oftentimes it’ll be cottage cheese, which I never realized I’d like!

I also have a glass of water upon waking up, which has been a good change.  

Earlier I mentioned I started doing yoga. I’m experimenting with doing it first thing in the morning.

My biggest challenge for creating a successful morning routine is going to bed on time. I would say this is still a work in progress. One habit at a time.

STEVE: Getting to bed on time can be such a critical step. I’ve struggled with being a “morning person” myself, but it really is worth pursuing the routine. Keep at it, Jennifer!

Do you have any words of advice for somebody who hasn’t invested in any program and can’t seem to make any progress?

JENNIFER: Don’t fall into the perfectionistic trap that I did and feel like you have to do ALL the things at once or you are a total failure. No human can dive into deep water before learning to swim.

Trying to do that is like taking a starter character in World of Warcraft and heading straight to a high-level dungeon: you’ll get trampled.

If you cannot commit to a program or feel overwhelmed that’s completely okay. Start small. Pick a small change and stick to that and build onto that routine once you’ve gotten comfortable. This way you slowly mold yourself into the person you want to be.  

I loved RPGs and grew up during the NES and SNES era and building good habits and getting healthy feels exactly like those games in a way. You don’t start at level 99,999 doing max damage to everything. You level up from the beginning and gain spells and abilities along the way and your character slowly evolves into the one you want it to be.

I think the Nerd Fitness “Level Up Your Life” motto is incredibly accurate.

Great change is made by accomplishing many smaller changes. And you’re so much less likely to become discouraged and just rage-quit if you go about change this way.

STEVE: That’s amazing Jennifer. You nailed the whole philosophy on “Level Up Your Life.” Start small, and before you know it you’re a top-level mage slaying dragons with ice spells. Or in your case, climbing up mountains.

Alright, one last question: you’ve already used some of our language, but what makes you a nerd?

JENNIFER: I consider myself a multi-dimensional nerd! If that’s not a phrase I am deeming it thus. I’ve loved video games since I was very small. Loved all the NES and Mario games, as well as the Zelda series and RPGs like Chrono Trigger and the Final Fantasy series.

I’ve played World of Warcraft with an awesome guild of all women for over 10 years.

Shout out to Daughters of the Alliance!

Comics are also a love. My absolute favorite is Neil Gaiman’s Sandman, and pretty much anything else he or David Mack have been involved in. I pretty much love all things nerdy.

STEVE: I do love me some Neil Gaiman too – I actually have Vol 1 of Sandman sitting on my coffee table! Thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Jennifer! All the best!

THE SIX KEYS TO JENNIFER’S WEIGHT LOSS AND LEVEL UP SUCCESS!

In speaking with Jennifer, I realized she had a few great traits which helped her succeed.

Lots of people embark on a fitness journey. Unfortunately, many of them are exactly where they started six months later.

Jennifer is different. In half a year, she’s changed her relationship with food, begun strength training, and has taken an epic trip.

After a rough patch, she used hitting rock bottom to turn her life around.

In speaking with her, and analyzing her choices and decisions, I think there are six traits that set Jennifer apart.

Here’s what we can learn from Jennifer’s success:

#1) JENNIFER STOPPED RELYING ON WILLPOWER

I love Jennifer’s “spoon” analogy. She knew she only had so much energy, only so much willpower, to get things done. So she sought a system that would require the least amount from her:

Instead of buying a gym membership she would never use, she started working out from her home.

Jennifer started with simple bodyweight exercises, a solid strategy to build momentum

Once she got a little more comfortable from working out at home, she starting using dumbbells and a bench press that she had access to. Again, all from home.

Working out and going to the gym are not tied together. If you have limited experience and/or motivation, start by doing simple bodyweight exercises at home. This is what Jennifer did!

Second, know that working out gives you more energy. Which can help give you more willpower. Which can help you embark on other habits like cooking or meal prep.

If you want to head to a gym for exercise, great! I do. However, if you have a hard time motivating yourself to leave the house, it doesn’t have to be the only option.

Starting small requires less willpower, which can help make your actions more likely to become routine.

#2) JENNIFER INVESTED IN HERSELF AND ASKED FOR HELP

Continuing on the theme of limited willpower, Jennifer knew she needed to do things differently. She saw herself with destructive habits that needed to be changed.

Doing it alone seemed impossible. It was hard enough for Jennifer to get out of bed and face the day. She knew that creating a plan and then sticking with it would require a lot of energy. Energy and willpower she was already having trouble coming up with.

So she asked for help. Jennifer wanted “Someone in MY corner to help cheer me on and guide me into a better way of living.” I’m proud that she reached out to us for that someone, and that she made a connection with her NF Coach, Evan.

It’s okay to ask for help! Knowing what to do, how to do it, and how to tell if it’s working requires a lot of energy. Some can do it alone. But many can’t. Asking for help, and then being willing to invest in that help can be a life-changing decision. Jennifer knew this and was willing to take the step to hire someone to create a plan and help her execute it.

I’ve had an online coach myself for 4 years and it has changed my life.

#3) JENNIFER HAD DRAGONS TO SLAY

I love that Jennifer planned a photography workshop in Scotland that required some physical strength and endurance. Hiking up a mountain with camera equipment isn’t easy, and Jennifer knew she’d have to train if she was going to make it.

So she asked for help, developed a plan on how to do it, and followed the plan. And boom! She was able to hike up her equipment for her class.

Having a goal gave Jennifer her “Big Why.”

When Jennifer started logging her food, it gave her anxiety. When she first started working out, she would be exhausted. When her walking buddies bailed on her, she went anyway.

Jennifer did these things because she knew they were part of a plan to get her up the Old Man of Storr in Scotland. Without doing the work, she would never get to the top. She would have to be part of the group that stuck to the sidelines.

Having a goal can provide the “Big Why.” When things get tough (and they will get tough), knowing “why” you are working hard can make all the difference.

Perhaps you want to go skiing with your kids and don’t want to be exhausted halfway through. Maybe there’s a marathon your friends are doing, and you want to go with them. Perhaps it’s practicing pull-ups so you can go tag along with your spouse who loves rock climbing.

Having a “Big Why” can be the key to making or breaking a fitness journey. And what happens after you slay a dragon? You go find a bigger dragon!

4#) JENNIFER STARTED HER JOURNEY WITH SMALL STEPS

Jennifer began with two small habits that most people can start today:

Jennifer started logging her food.

Jennifer started taking a daily walk.

We often advise people to pick a small habit they can imagine sticking with permanently. Once this becomes part of a normal routine, they can think about picking another.

This can be better than planning on “Going full Paleo, start rock climbing, and beginning a ballroom dancing practice.” If you don’t do any of these things currently, it could be very tough to start doing them all at once.

And we all know temporary changes produce temporary results. We want results that last!

That’s why Coach Evan had Jennifer start with small changes she could actually sustain.

For nutrition changes, Evan just had Jennifer track her food.

No judgment. No “eat this, not that.”

Just a log of everything she was consuming. Once Jennifer got comfortable doing this, and only once Jennifer became comfortable doing this, did Evan start to make recommendations for adjustments.

Jennifer also started small with exercises: just a walk.

Walking is a great start for a fitness journey (it’s also a great way to get to Mordor). It’ll get your heart rate up and your muscles moving, and it’s something you can do around your neighborhood. Even just a five-minute walk is a great start. Once you get in the habit of that, you can make take it to 10 minutes or even a full mile. If you start this way, eventually you can be like Jennifer and crush miles each and every day.

After you get in the habit of walking, you can switch to picking up some weights every other day. The habit of walking is easy to adapt to another exercise practice, like strength training.

“Instead of my 2pm walk, it’s now my 2pm bench press time.”

Be like Jennifer and start small. Once the habit is built, you can work to grow it from there.

5#) JENNIFER PLANNED ON WHAT TO DO WHEN SHE FELL DOWN

It brought a smile to my face when I heard Jennifer say “never two in a row.”

It’s a great frame of mind to keep.

Things will come up. You will miss a workout. You will have some beers and eat pizza. You will sleep in and miss your walking groups AM meeting. Your kid will get sick.

When you miss these things consistently, you start creating bad habits. And what you do most of the time is how you create a healthy life.

Missing one workout is okay. Missing two is bad because then it’s really easy to miss three.

Eating pizza is fine. But “once and a while” can quickly become an “everyday” thing. Continue this for too long and then you’re just living off pizza!

“Never two in a row” provides a framework for making sure bad habits don’t develop:

“If I miss today’s workout, there is no way I’m missing tomorrow’s.”

“If I eat pizza tonight, it’s eggs and a little bit of fruit in the morning.”

Create a mindset of stopping these things before they get out of hand. Be like Jennifer and create a plan on what to do when you inevitable stray from the path.

6#) JENNIFER IS HAVING FUN ALONG THE WAY

Jennifer considers herself a work in progress. When you think about it, we’re all works in progress!  She knows this. But she is having fun now, which makes the days ahead seem sustainable.

We are not on a month-long journey. We are in this for the rest of our lives. To make sure we stick with it, we need to have fun! And as I say in this video: we stop thinking in terms of “weeks and months,” and instead start thinking in terms of “days and years”

Jennifer legitimately loves strength training. You can tell she’s looking forward to one day doing pull-ups.

Jennifer likes eating nutritious food and loves how much energy she derives from those meals.

My favorite part: she views where she’s at as an experiment. She highlights this when she talks about her morning routine and yoga. She’s still not sure how to get the AM just right and thinks a little yoga in the morning might help. She’ll try it to see if it works. If it doesn’t, she’ll try something else.

IN SIX MONTHS, CAN YOU TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND LIKE JENNIFER?

All of us will hit tough spots in life.

Maybe it’s losing a job. Perhaps it’s a sick family member. Or a child that’s struggling in school.

For Jennifer, it was a nasty divorce. At first, she coped in the ways many of us cope: food and alcohol.

Jennifer decided this couldn’t continue. So she sought help. And in six months time, Jennifer has leveled up her life. She can pursue her passion for photography and not be afraid of the literal mountain ahead. She knows the shot at the top of the climb, is not only worth it, but doable.

Where will you be six months from now?

It’s enough time to build some great healthy habits as Jennifer did. However, it’s also a short enough time which can fly by if you’re not looking.

If you’re standing in the same place you were six months ago, think about what you can learn from Jennifer:

Don’t rely on willpower, build systems. Take the path of least resistance. Instead of starting with an hour-long workout program at the gym, start with exercises you can do at home.

Ask for help. You are not the first person who has tried to get fit. It’s okay to reach out to those who’ve had success, or those who have helped others. You don’t have to do this alone.

Have a goal. A “Big Why” can be critical when things get tough. When everyone is ordering pizza, or the gym seems so far away, having a goal can help you remember why you are putting in all the work.

Start small. Don’t try and change every aspect of your life tomorrow. Some can handle this approach, but most can’t. Adopt one habit you can see yourself sticking with and grow it from there.

Plan for failure. Things will come up. Having a motto like “never two in a row” can help prevent one instance of a slip up into turning into a reoccurring habit.

Have fun. Getting fit is not a 30-day experiment. It really is about a lifestyle. Pick and choose things you have fun doing. This will help ensure your new habits are sustainable.

If you relate to Jennifer and find yourself in a tough spot, we can help you turn it around.

Depending on your current situation, our 1-on-1 NF Coaching Program might be just what you need. We help people everyday complete life overhauls.

If you’re trying to get in shape, searching for a new way of eating, or want help developing a strength training practice, we know exactly how to get you there. You can learn more by clicking on the big box below and scheduling a free call with our team!

The next six months will come and go no matter what you do today.

I’d love it if half a year from now, you tell me Jennifer’s story was something you related to. Which inspired you to make some changes.

You started walking every day. You began a food journal. You finally decided to ask for help.

As always, if you do need somewhere to go for help, you know Nerd Fitness will be here.

For the Rebellion!

-Steve

PS: I want to give a special shout out to Jennifer’s Coach Evan, who has been the Dumbledore to her Hermione over these past 6 months. And I’m proud of Jennifer’s success and can’t wait to see what she does next.

If you are somebody that wants to have your own Yoda guiding you in the ways of the Force, check out or 1-on-1 coaching program, and I could be sharing YOUR story six months from now!

PPS: Speaking of success stories…If you’ve had success with any aspect of Nerd Fitness, whether it’s our free workouts, Academy, or Coaching, email us! Send your story to contact(at)NerdFitness(dot)com and let us know so we can share your adventure with the galaxy!

PPPS: We are very grateful to Guinevere’s Mirror, who provided some epic shots of Jennifer for this article.

How Jennifer the Photographer Discovered a Love of Strength Training, Lost 20 Pounds, and Leveled up Her Life. published first on https://www.nerdfitness.com

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

Mindful sex: could it put an end to unhappiness in bed?

Mindfulness has been used to treat depression and encourage healthy eating. Now, with huge numbers of men and women reporting sexual dissatisfaction, it is being applied to our relationships So there you are, in bed with your partner, having perfectly pleasant if serviceable sex, when your mind starts to wander: what was it you meant to put on your shopping list? Why didnt your boss reply to your email? Dont forget its bin day tomorrow. Many of us feel disconnected during sex some or most of the time. At the more extreme end, sexual dysfunction erectile problems, vaginal pain, zero libido can severely hamper our quality of life and our relationships. In many cases, there could be a relatively simple, if not easily achieved, fix: mindfulness. In essence, mindfulness involves paying attention to what is happening in the present moment and noticing, without judgment, your thoughts and feelings. It can reconnect us with our bodies stopping us spending so much time in our heads and reduce stress. It has been used by the NHS as a treatment for recurrent depression and popular books and apps have made it part of many peoples everyday lives. After mindful eating, drinking, parenting and working, mindful lovemaking is starting to be recognised more widely as a way to improve ones sex life. (Earlier this year, the couples therapist Diana Richardson gave a TEDx talk on mindfulness in sex, which has been viewed 170,000 times on YouTube.) A survey published in June by Public Health England found that 49% of 25- to 34-year-old women complained of a lack of sexual enjoyment; across all ages, 42% of women were dissatisfied. The most recent National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, published in 2013, found that people in Britain were having less sex than they once did, with low sexual function affecting about 15% of men and 30% of women. Difficulty achieving orgasm was reported by 16% of women, while 15% of men suffered premature ejaculation and 13% experienced erectile dysfunction. Problems with sexual response were common, affecting 42% of men and 51% of women who reported one or more problems in the last year. Watch Diana Richardsons TEDx talk on mindfulness in sex. At the time, the researchers said modern life could be affecting our sex drives. People are worried about their jobs, worried about money. They are not in the mood for sex, said Cath Mercer from University College London. But we also think modern technologies are behind the trend, too. People have tablets and smartphones and they are taking them into the bedroom, using Twitter and Facebook, answering emails. Mindfulness is one of the tools that can help people focus in a world full of distractions. Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and couples therapist, says mindfulness is a recognised part of therapeutic work, even if it has not always been given that name. When people have sexual problems, a lot of the time its anxiety-related and theyre not really in their bodies, or in the moment. Mindfulness brings them back into the moment. When people say theyve had the best sex and you ask them what they were thinking about, they cant tell you, because they werent thinking about anything, they were just enjoying the moment. Thats mindfulness. Moyle says the techniques involve encouraging people to focus on their sensations, explore their senses, hone in on what is happening in their body and how theyre experiencing it. A simple exercise Moyle recommends is getting in touch with the senses in the shower listen to the noise, the sensation of the water on your skin, notice any smells, see what the water tastes like, look around you. Youre really encouraging people to try to stay in their bodies, rather than be in their heads. Its about refocusing their attention on what they can feel right now. Ammanda Major, the head of clinical practice at the relationship support organisation Relate, says mindful sex is about focusing in the moment on whats going on for you and making sure all the extraneous things get left behind. For example, if youre being touched by your partner, its really focusing on those sensations. People may find themselves very distracted during sex, so this is a way of bringing themselves into their body and being totally aware of themselves in that moment. It is now part of the standard advice and support Relate offers to clients, she says. It can feel clunky to start with, but with practice people realise theyre able to engage in mindfulness without realising theyre doing it. In short, it becomes a way of life. Other than focusing on sensations, people can bring into sex an awareness of how nice your partner feels, or how nice they smell, or the sound of their voice something that will bring you right back into the moment. When you have thoughts that distract you, one of the key issues is not to blame yourself, but just to acknowledge it and cast them adrift. Kate Moyle recommends getting in touch with the senses in the shower listen to the noise, the sensation of the water on your skin … Illustration: Joel Burden/Guardian At the Jane Wadsworth sexual function clinic at St Marys hospital in London, mindfulness is used in almost all sexual problems, says David Goldmeier, a clinical lead and consultant in sexual medicine. These approaches have been used in sex therapy since the 50s, but they were not known as mindfulness at the time. The American researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson used a technique called sensate focus, emphasising the exploration of physical sensations rather than focusing on the goal of orgasm. A mindful approach can help men with erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. If you have a man who has an erection problem and is stressed by it, a lot of his mind [during sex] will be worrying: Have I got an erection or not? says Goldmeier. It is also used to help men and women who find it hard to orgasm or have low desire, as well as in sexual problems relating to abuse. In our clinic, we see an awful lot of people with historical sexual abuse and [mindfulness is] a foundation for the trauma therapy they have. It is useful in sexual problems that are based in large part on past sexual abuse, he says. Lori Brotto, one of the leading researchers in this area, agrees. In her book Better Sex Through Mindfulness, she wrote of a study she published in 2012, which noted that teaching sexual abuse survivors to mindfully pay attention to the present moment, to notice their genital sensations and to observe thoughts simply as events of the mind, led to marked reductions in their levels of distress during sex. Brotto is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and the executive director of the Womens Health Research Institute in Canada. Having started sex research during her graduate degree, she began studying mindfulness in 2002. Mindfulness-based treatments had been used effectively for people with suicidal tendencies these ancient techniques started to be used widely in western medicine in the 70s and Brotto realised they could also be helpful for addressing the sexual concerns of women who had survived cancer. What struck me was … how the patients I was seeing with suicidal tendencies, who would talk about feeling disconnected from themselves and having a real lack of awareness of their internal sensations, were very similar to the women with sexual concerns, she says. At that time, I thought: If mindfulness could be an effective way of staying in the present and helping them manage these out-of-control behaviours, I wonder if it could also be a tool to help women reconnect with their sexual selves and improve their sexual functioning. Sexual problems can be caused by a huge range of factors. Depression and stress can be triggers, as can the side-effects of antidepressants. Over time, these side-effects can become a psychological factor, as people worry that they are no longer sexually responsive. Problems can also be caused by physical conditions such as vaginal pain, or inhibitions and shame about sexual desire, particularly for some women and people in same-sex relationships. Survivors of sexual abuse, who learned to dissociate during an assault, can also experience distressing sexual problems in a later consensual and otherwise happy relationship. Mindfulness is such a simple practice, but it really addresses many of the reasons why people have sexual concerns, says Brotto. At its most basic, she explains, mindfulness is defined as present-moment nonjudgmental awareness. Each of those three components are critical for healthy sexual function. For a lot of women who report low desire, lack of response and low arousal in particular, all three of those domains are problematic. Being present is critical. Then there is the nonjudgmental part countless studies have shown that people who have sexual difficulties tend also to have very negative and catastrophic thoughts: If I dont respond, my partner will leave me, or: If I dont have an adequate level of desire, Im broken. Mindfulness and paying attention nonjudgmentally is about evoking compassion for yourself. Body image issues come up consistently, she says. Women will often say they prefer to have the lights off, or theyll redirect their partners hands away from the areas of their body theyre not happy with, or they may be worrying that a partner is perceiving their body in a negative way. All of those things serve to remove them from the present moment. William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Photograph: Alamy As for awareness, Brotto says, lots of data shows us that women, more so than men, tend to be somewhat disconnected from whats happening in their bodies. Her experiments have shown that women can experience physical arousal, such as increased blood flow to their vagina, but it barely registers mentally. There may be a strong physiological response, [but] theres no awareness in their mind of that response. We know that healthy sexual response requires the integration of the brain and body, so when the mind is elsewhere whether its distracted or consumed with catastrophic thoughts all of that serves to interrupt that really important feedback loop. It can be the same for some men, she says, but there tends to be more concordance between the bodys arousal and the minds arousal. When men have a physical response, theyre also much more likely to have a mental sexual arousal response. While working with a group or a sex therapist can be helpful for people with sexual concerns, others can teach themselves mindfulness techniques using books or any number of apps. In her book, Brotto says mindfulness practice can be as simple as focusing on your breath. An exercise she uses involves focusing on a raisin (this is a well-established practice and there are many tutorials online). First, scrutinise it its shape, size, smell, feel, its ridges and valleys then put it to your lips and notice your anticipation and salivary response; finally, bite into it and observe, in detail, the taste and texture. This can teach us to focus on sensations and the moment, rather than mindlessly eating a handful of raisins. The same sort of attention can be applied to sex. In Brottos eight-week group programme, people practice mindfulness techniques for 30 minutes each day, followed by a maintenance plan of between 10 and 15 minutes a day. For someone doing it on their own, she recommends starting with 10 minutes a day and trying to include a few 30-minute sessions. The benefit of a longer practice is you get to deal with things such as boredom and frustration, and physical discomfort in the body, all of which you want to be able to work through, she says. A body scan is one of our favourites within the sexuality realm that involves closing your eyes and really tuning in to the different sensations in different parts of your body and not trying to change anything, just observing. If people can start to do that in their life generally, on a regular basis, they strengthen that mindfulness muscle and start to become more aware generally and they can take that newfound awareness into their sexuality. When we have better sex, we tend to want more of it, so it becomes a satisfying circle. Desire is not a fixed level that each one of us has, but rather is adaptive and responsive to our situation, says Brotto. When sex is not satisfying, it makes sense that the brain adjusts itself and creates less [desire]. Mindful sex does not have to be an intense, time-consuming session. It can be very everyday; it doesnt have to be a different type of sex, says Moyle. You might have sex the same way, in the same position, but youre in a different headspace, so youre experiencing it differently. People can think: Im not into mindfulness, or: Its a bit spiritual and Im not, but it doesnt have to be that. It can just be really straightforward focusing your attention and fully experiencing sensations. Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/aug/28/mindful-sex-could-it-put-an-end-to-unhappiness-in-bed http://dailybuzznetwork.com/index.php/2018/10/06/mindful-sex-could-it-put-an-end-to-unhappiness-in-bed/

[nat536blog-blog]

How to Master musically fans and likes generator in 6 Simple Steps

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Move forward through Just about every factor securely and realize what youre arranging to accomplish. In this article’s a smooth but potent procedure from which checked largely since Functioning for ninety nine% of customers of Musically. The Other individuals 1% ended up careless in order which they didn't execute information and facts technological innovation effectively. Youre heading to discover the organic Crown immediately after finishing info technologies through a inexperienced indicator! large light-weight the early a consumer

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How time realized it shoot on to receive the CROWN?

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[neuraldavinci-blog]

Intelligent Prototyping as coding method

Coding a (huge) project in python is not an easy task. it may take some time to code an neural network library. just like a tree needs time to grow, a project like this needs also time. just like a tree needs minerals from earth to grow, a complex software project needs mental energy, in this case concentration and creativity, to create a qualitative and quantitatively rich software. just like a tree starts at the beginning with only roots and a small trunk, we have to do the same.

So how do we make sure to succeed? Well lets look at trees again: if a seed has enough minerals enough, is intiialized and large enough to get energy from sun, water from rain and the other things from the earth below, it just needs two other remaining things: time and space. if there is enough space around it and you will give it enough time without breaking its required conditions at its place, it will successfully become a grown up tree. Well the same happens with larger software projects.

If a tree needs a seed, a software project needs an initial idea. If a tree needs earth and minerals, a software project needs human interaction with computers, being vital and alert enough to produce qualitative code.

If a tree needs energy from sun and water from rain, a software project needs intelligent prototyping. This is because weather for a tree may be random and the process of growing is also evolving randomly. The same strategy we should apply to software projects. Weather also affects us as humans, but because we are more intelligent we often try to “overplan” a software, which makes it too much unflexible and too hard to actually reach your goals, which often ends in not getting anything at all. 

This wouldn’t happen in nature: A tree may not look as perfect as another one, but the probability to succeed in growing up is pretty high. Its almost a sure thing. Though humans are more intelligent, it seems we are behaving more stupid, because our actions doesnt succeed most of the time. The opposite seems to be true: most people fail all the time, having success only rarely. May this be caused because we learned unnatural patterns, like as if we were afraid to be, who we really are, part of nature instead of unrelated entities that have nothing to do with it?

Lets go back to our analogy: if we are prototyping “intelligently”, we have the resources to build upon, the "branches” and “leafs” will grow upon it, which will make it easier and easier to grow up and up, becoming finally “adult”, which means we reach alpha, beta and release state. But what could “intelligent prototyping refer to?”

What happens with a tree if the sun shines (but not too long)? Well, the tree becomes more powerful itself. But why does it seem so easy for a tree, as it seems to do it automatically without effort, while we often have so much hard time trying to accomplish easy tasks? The answer might surprise you: its not because we dont work hard enough... but because we dont work intelligent enough. 

The difference between intelligent and stupid work is the following: imagine you were born in the world of “tolkiens - lord of the rings”: the orcs are not only evil, but they are also stupid, because all they do will no one of them make them happy ever, no matter how long or how hard they do. THIS makes it stupid. While the heroes, who save the world, try to save the rest of the world from a lot of suffering and darkness. Thats the reason why their actions aren’t useless. In fact, a lot of people have fun in consuming this story, because we like it to see that human action could have an impact on our mental state of feeling well. We dont live in tolkiens world, but still, we might take it as inspiration, that we shouldnt do things that make us unhappy, because then our actions become useless and stupid. It is no surprise then that a lot of people ask themselves why life is so hard...

So how does this actually refers to coding and/or intelligent prototyping? Consider this example: you have to earn money and work for someone whose project doesnt inspire you. Yes, you could work for him to get that money and later on, you could work for good or inspiring projects, to make something you find really useful instead. While most people will do the first, they wont do the second thing, which ends up in feeling stressed, having hard time to produce good quality. 

The same behaviour structure can be transferred to a method i want to submit here: I call it intelligent prototyping and it works like the following. The promise is that you are working on a project that inspires you anyway, so at least at the beginning you shouldnt have motivation problems. So then you have to grow the project like a tree does, doing it in a cycle:

Intelligent Prototyping:

Just like with forests there exist thousands of (python) projects and libraries. So dont worry with that idea “it might exist already, so i shouldnt do it again”. thats so wrong. The more trees there are, the more health will be there for humans and animals. This is a biological fact! The same applies to (qualitative) software projects. The key to make it actually useful is just quality, and to reach that goal you can do the following:

Begin with the root (requirements) and create it in one week

Dont begin from the “treetop”: A lot of people consider Test driven development (TDD), which means to just write tests for everything, and then coding until requirements are met. While this might work for a lot of people, for a lot of other people it doesnt because it seems unnatural.

The root means here: work out the most important requirements, but not conceptually or theoritical, do something practical instead. With practical i want to say: actually write first code implementing those requirements. Its okay to be chaos code, being totally spaghetti, or not working at all. Just try to accomplish them as fast as possible. Your project needs an initial shape. Dont make the failure and wait with coding until not having motivation anymore or thinking “it absolutely needs to be perfect and i dont want to make failures” (dont think like that!)

An example: To write a web framework, you need to implement or use an existing web server, you need to interface with html5, css/sass/(etc.) and javascript/typescript/coffeescript, different browsers, you need to interface with data (for example with the model/view/controller pattern). You wouldnt try to implement all of this at this root step of development, but maybe figure out what you can accomplish with your dev resources (team members, given time/energy, given motivation/interest) in just one week. This will be your root. dont just code any of it, you absolutely must find out the most important objects and functions that are required. otherwise its unlikely that you can build up In this example, you could for example start with the mvc pattern implementation and the html/css/javascript integration classes. Of course: just prototyping here! Nothing of this actually needs to be tested or work perfectly. (just like a seed or root of a tree might also not work absolutely perfect as expected. the same here!)

Main Trunk:

stack up useful methods like helper functions, vendor sources or libraries to use, or tutorials and other resources that might help in development

always code in this phase, dont just learn or just read or something like that. 

Quantity is absolutely important: Produce as much code as possible: the higher the tree grows, the more likely it becomes to finis the project. so every snippet that could be useful, document it somewhere or test and use it already. write usage examples, even if its not guaranteed that it will be used in final product

Branches (BDD):

Write actual working, qualitative code that connects objects using behaviour driven development

Example:

Feature: Product basket

In order to buy products 

 As a customer

I need to be able to put interesting products into a basket

==> make sure that leafs (=objects) like product, product basket, and customer exists or create them

==> write code that relates a customer to a product basket, like “buy product” method

Leafs (=Objects/Things)

Implement qualitative working code, that specifies attributes and features of things. use test driven development and make sure that you dont mix up things that have nothing to do with one single object, but should be implemented as branch or an other leaf instead!

P.S: A good project needs time. Have Patience and give it time, and it will grow automagically!

[pierresonalthoughts]

im feeling like talking about myself to The Void™

so heres a whole ask prompt that im just gonna answer without nobody really asking for it or reading it, actually

ice cream asks

chocolate: when was your first kiss?

when i was 16, bc my best friend had kissed my our two best friends in a party, drunk off champagne, and she surprise gave me a kiss like a week later to keep it even. I answered saying ‘hey, i guess its a nice time to tell u that im gay?’. we laughed, got real awkward and never talked about that again

but if its the actual kiss that i did wanna have + w a boy, it was when i was 17, one week before the college exam for the one im currently in. bc it is technically the most difficult college exam of the country, or at least the one with biggest competition, i was so fckn nervous that i went on a tinder date with some boy who ended up being such a bad kisser, such a bad conversation and an acquaintance to like half my closest friends.

french vanilla: how old are you?

18, but nearly 19

cotton candy: three places you want to travel to?

germany, japan and england. i used to want to go to USA but with the whole current shituation? nope

strawberry: a language you wish you could speak?

im trying to learn french, german and japanese so theres those

coffee: favorite cosmetic brands?

no cosmetics, we die like goblins

mint chocolate chip: indoors or outdoors?

depends on the mood. i love walking through the outdoors but i literally spent 70% of this semester in my bed, so thats both a reason to favor both options

cookie dough: do you play any instruments?

nope, used to want to play guitar but rn ill just sing badly under my breath

rocky road: favorite songs at the moment?

i have a little playlist of songs that im listening ad nauseum at all times, but rn its either Praying, the whole Melodrama album or the whole Red Velvet new album

butter pecan: favorite songs for life?

between two lungs, the only exception, sakura-colored time capsule

cheesecake: what's your zodiac sign?

libra sun, virgo rising and idk my moon or the rest rly

toasted coconut: the beach or the pool?

pool is p much bootleg beach but i love both. but the whole beach is so good? walking by the shore, the activeness of the water, beach food, the sound of waves, just all in all 10/10

chocolate chip: what's your most popular post?

absolutely this 270k post

bubblegum: books or movies?

with the books i can just savor the story for way more time so books? and i can do it like at random times and places so thats right within my aesthetic whipping out a book at random moments.

but i both wish i had time to read in my shit rushed life and i definitely need more money to spend on actual books. so i end up watchin more movies since i can just watch it at 3am and with some easy pirating

pistachio: manga or anime?

same feelings about books vs movies

salted caramel: favorite movies?

i dont even know really

birthday cake: favorite books?

probably the hitchhiker series, but i love me some classical lit like jane austen and machado de assis

moose tracks: favorites for manga?

i love kuragehime with my life, mob psycho with my soul and jojo (parts 4,6,7) with my full love for extraness

orange sherbet: favorites for anime?

oh man, im going for the ones that made the most impressions on me, like ouran, madoka, bokurano, katanagari, nichijou and psycho pass

peanut butter: favorite academic subject?

like all? i shit you not that i liked all my subjects in high school and now in engineering college, i loved algorithms and data structures

black raspberry: do you have any pets?

nope but i rly want a cat

mango: when and why did you start your blog?

a friend of mine convinced me to read homestuck right after cascade, and when i read it i started following the updates here. so, since october/2011? the truly darkest times of this site. i remember seeing a full episode of doctor who in a 200 gifs gifset when photosets had no image limitation

mocha: ideal weather conditions?

i wanna say cloudy weather but that just makes me depressed. but i love when its raining enough to streets go empty but not enough to it being fully inconvenient when you have an umbrella, bc it makes for the most aesthetic strolls under a nice umbrella, with only my thoughts and music, and protected from the elements

black cherry: four words that describe you?

gay nerd depressed and supportive, i guess

neapolitan: things that stress you out?

my life, all the things i need to do and the possibility of stopping being good at the only things im good at

raspberry truffle: favorite kind of music?

i really cant find a pattern on my music taste so idk

chocolate marshmallow: favorite brands of candy?

i absolutely sold my soul to Fini, not even a question

toffee: a card game that you're good at?

ill kick anyones ass in Uno and ill kick my own ass in solitaire

lemon custard: do you eat breakfast?

yes im one of the few people i know that eats the breakfast from my college cafeteria, but thats mostly bc breakfast food is a loophole in my hundreds of picky eating no-nos

dark chocolate: turn ons?

any boy with piercings gets instant +3 on my 1-10 scale and im a sucker for perfume

fudge: turn offs?

general shitty personality, smoking and i guess i still have some fatphobia to deconstruct too

peach: how do you relax?

haha i dont. but i guess watching anime, scrolling through this hellsite, listening to some tunes, walking around aimlessly and making a cocoon out of myself in my bed count

praline: a popular book you haven't read yet?

im so out of touch with the current trends that i cant even say what i havent read

superman: do you like sweaters?

im living in hoodies for the last month or so but the general weather here is not exactly sweater weather and my hometown only goes from 25-31 celsius everyday of the year

cherry: do you drink tea or coffee?

i hate tea and most of my liquid intake is in coffee with milk

dulce de leche: an instrument you wish you could play?

the piano i guess

blackberry: have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

ofc, either with videos in the interwebs and with my friends

ginger: a new feature you wish tumblr could have?

a more efficient use of internet data when in mobile, bc good god im losing my life waiting for things to load

blueberry lemon: favorite blogs?

i love every webcomic that i follow

almond: favorite mean girls quote?

“too gay to function” is absolutely an accurate definition of me tbh

butterscotch: what color are your nails right now?

no color and 6/10 were bit off

cinnamon: have you ever been confessed to?

indirectly by a girl friend i had in my school, and by my bestfriend’s brother this may

blue moon: have you ever had a crush on someone?

hahahaha im pretty sure i had at least four painfully hopeless and debilitating crushes on straight boys ever since 2013

cappuccino crunch: do you take naps?

my sleeping schedule is so fucked up that i just pass out in the middle of the morning, afternoon or night, so thats both naps and my actual hours of sleep

mint: the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?

hahaha nope, not unearthing any memories, nope, thank you

brownie batter: do you like sushi?

no

key lime: where do you want to be right now?

i wanna be home, in fortaleza

red velvet: do you wear prescription glasses?

yea, ever since i was 5 and i cant see shit without them

green tea: favorite flavors of ice cream?

neapolitan, cream and theres an ice cream shop in my hometown that has a lemon pie flavor that actually sent my soul to heaven

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.