#that's why YunaAki is my ultimate OTP

[lightaflametoburnmethrough]

A Study of YunaAki Analysis #3 - Healing & Choice

Akiho and Kaito.

I’ve talked about their characters separately in these two analysis posts and now I think it’s time I did one focusing on their relationship as well.

And frankly, you’d have to be very shallow-minded and stupid to not acknowledge that their story IS all about acceptance and consent.

(also, please note the ENG version of Clear Card has a lot of translation errors. Read the JPN version or meimi-haneoka’s summaries of the chapters for the correct narrative)

Acceptance especially because it reinforces the authors’ message on love: it’s not about WHAT a person is but WHO they are to you personally that matters the most.

Let’s start with a quick review.

Akiho and Kaito both had terrible childhoods.

Akiho was harshly criticized from an early age for not having any magic, which greatly damaged her self-esteem and left it in an almost crippling state. Then she was forced, without her consent or even knowledge, to go through a ritual that would turn her into something non-human for the sake of her clan’s greed.

Kaito was abandoned as a child and taken in by the shady Magic Association so they could exploit his impressive powers. They had no interest in raising him properly or helping him foster his own will, only calling on him when they needed someone to do their dirty work (ex. ordering him to take up rewind magic, which is known to shorten the caster’s life force). As a result, for the longest time, he only ever knew how to be someone else’s tool.

No family to protect them. No friends to talk to or play with. No one.

It is no surprise that they’d grow up struggling with depression when their very surroundings existed to traumatize them further into the submission of cruel and amoral people monsters.

It is also no surprise that when the opportunity came for them to escape that misery, they’re doing everything they can in their own respective ways to be free of the Squids + Association for good.

As someone who’s been through child abuse and is fighting against mental illness on a regular basis, I cannot even begin to explain how much I connect with these two. How much YunaAki’s journey means so much to me personally.

It has gotten to the point that I can only view them as the greatest concern of Clear Card.

Because I know for certain that nothing bad will happen to Sakura and her friends. The kind of story that CCS is and the genre it falls under will not permit anything but a safe and happy (and fair) ending for its heroine and all those acquainted with her. And CLAMP themselves reiterated several times that “Sakura will be alright.”

So there is really nothing for me to worry about there. Sakura has plot armor. She’s going to be perfectly fine and I’m glad for that because that means I can fully invest all my attention in the ones I relate to the most.

Yes, I do see myself in Akiho and Kaito.

Not to the same extent, obviously, since they’ve lived way more horrific lives that I was very fortunate to avoid.

But still, I can understand where their pain is coming from based on my own experiences growing up.

That’s probably why during their first scene together, when Akiho put herself down as a “bother” out of habit and Kaito immediately stepped in to reassure her “you have never once been a bother to me”, I automatically knew without a doubt there was nothing remotely toxic about their relationship.

Because if he were taking advantage of her, if he did harbor ill intentions, there could’ve been other ways for him to tie her to him. With guilt or psychological manipulation or whatever. However, his words held no deception and clearly showed only a need to make sure Akiho was okay first. All the weight of what’s important was transferred to Akiho...leaving none for himself.

With Kaito, there’s always an emphasis on Akiho’s well-being before anything. He’s not always 100% good at handling that (because he’s human and therefore, flawed and prone to making mistakes like the rest of us) but it’s very obvious he always wants to do what’s in Akiho’s best interests.

Furthermore, the fact that Akiho isn’t afraid of him, is comfortable with him in her presence, speaks volumes of how positive an influence Kaito has been in her efforts to move past the ordeal that was her early childhood.

Because please remember, when Akiho was still living under her clan, all she was ever told (by her own kin) was that she was “useless”.

They didn’t have a single kind word to say to her. They constantly scorned her and left her alone with only books for company.

So whenever someone approached her, she’d be overtaken by fear. Fear that she’ll disappoint again. Fear that she’ll cause a burden just by existing as “useless”. Fear of being hated.

Do you have any idea how cruel it is to instill those thoughts into a little girl at an age when she’s just beginning to develop her sense of self?

How messed up does one have to be to ever think it’s okay to treat a child like this? To deny them the love they deserve and punish them for things they have absolutely no control over?

This isn’t some bullshit method to “build character”. Degrading someone, bullying someone repeatedly for whatever reason will never be anything but harmful and there can be absolutely no argument that the victim is always the one who’s going to be hurt the most.

This is exactly why Kaito taking Akiho away and refusing to return her to the custody of the Squids and the Association was the best decision he ever made.

It was the first step towards freeing Akiho (and him) from her abusers, from the ones determined to chain them down so hard that they’d never dream of defying them.

Over the years they traveled together, Akiho and Kaito changed. They learned for the first time what it felt like to not suffocate under someone else’s control and judgement. They began to truly live and grow as their own persons because they were in the company of the right people.

And that was each other.

Everything that we’ve seen about their journey up to Tomoeda, everything we’ve heard Akiho or Kaito or Momo share about their time together before reaching Japan supports that.

First of all, Kaito made the conscious choice to go with Akiho because he did not want her to stay among people who wanted nothing more than to destroy her for their own gains.

He knows better than anyone what kind of environment it is to live among power-hungry magicians. Even at such a young age, he was perfectly aware that he was only in the Association because his powers were wanted, not because he was.

That’s so fucking depressing. For Kaito, who was still just a little boy back then, to become so disillusioned with the world that he lost hope that anyone would care enough about him for him and not his magic. It got to the point where he couldn’t bother to care about himself anymore, only eating the minimum to get by and letting the Association use him as they pleased until his life finally expired.

If he turned out like that, that what would become of the girl who had no powers at all? How much worse would it be for her?

So much worse.

Because even Kaito couldn’t have predicted that the magicians would jump on his comment about her being “like a blank book” as a reason to turn her into a guinea pig. He said those words hoping they would realize since she’s of no use to them, they can let her go live a normal life...which was something he couldn’t have.

He wanted Akiho out of the magic world and tried to do that even before they met.

Despite having little frame of reference for human kindness, Kaito still possessed a lot more of it than all the members of the Squids and Association combined.

Akiho was still a stranger to him then, their only connection being that Kaito spoke with her mother, Lilie, a couple of times. He didn’t know Akiho yet but he didn’t want this poor, orphaned, innocent little child to suffer.

So you can imagine the guilt that wrecked him when he later found out the ritual, the experiment to alter Akiho’s body into a storage item for all the world’s magic, was a success.

Kaito was the most powerful magician in the Association. There’s nothing, no magic he couldn’t master. Yet the one thing he wanted to do (i.e. free Akiho), he failed because he underestimated how twisted these magicians could be.

Therefore, when the chance presented itself on who would travel with Akiho around the world...he took it. He volunteered to go and never looked back once he and Akiho set off on their journey.

For Akiho’s sake, he was never going to let her return to the place where there was nothing for her but despair to begin with.

Then during the years they spent together, he made another conscious decision.

To be the exact opposite of how her clan treated her. Where the Squids neglected and always harshly reprimanded Akiho, Kaito chose to be kind and gentle and understanding.

He talked and listened to her when nobody else did.

He learned to cook, to perform domestic chores, to do anything that would make Akiho’s life a little more comfortable and happier than it was before she left her clan.

He asked for her preferences, offered her options and most importantly, never demanded anything from her. Because 1) he was in no position to due to the pretext of his “job” as her caretaker/attendant and 2) his primary goal seemed to be creating an environment where Akiho would learn that it was normal to choose for herself and want to be happy.

Because the Squids were never going to give her any of that. They want Akiho’s soul to be erased in order for the artifact to be completed. As Kaito said in chapter 35, it would be easier for them to control something that had no will.

An instrument is meant to be used as such. It’s a tool. A tool doesn’t have a personality or feelings. It cannot resist orders.

That was what life was like for Kaito when he was still employed in the Association. They preferred a Kaito who didn’t care, who didn’t question things and just did as he was told. They did not teach him how to think for himself so they could continue to manipulate him into using his powers for their ambitions.

That is a violation of consent, especially so because Kaito was still a child when it happened. Being so young and so emotionally deprived, he did not have the capacity to fully comprehend the extent of something so important...and the magicians took advantage of that.

And Kaito likely became more aware of how wrong his situation was after he came to know Akiho. Akiho, who was now going through the same thing he did with the added dread of literally losing everything that defines her as Akiho forever.

That’s why he’s so desperate. He’s doing everything he can to make sure that won’t happen. He doesn’t want Akiho to end up worse than he was. A doll with no mind of its own for other people to abuse over and over and over.

It is through these actions of his - of being caring and kind towards Akiho, of reassuring her through her self-deprecating episodes and encouraging her to not be afraid to choose - that allowed her real self - a warm, bright, energetic and compassionate young girl - to finally come out from hiding.

She gradually began to trust him, to be more open with him, to smile for him and express gratitude and concern for him...and through interacting with her, he came to know his own heart. He became aware of his own humanity along with the feeling of what it’s like to love someone and be loved in return.

What they severely lacked from the adults who were supposed to act as their “legal guardians”, they found in each other.

That’s where healing starts.

By being around those who lift you up, not pull you down.

What Akiho got out of this relationship was a person who truly cherished her for her and not what she did or did not have. Kaito is her first friend, her first confidant, her first sense of it meant to have a family. It was because of Kaito that she could finally believe she wasn’t alone in the world. That there was someone out there who could accept her for who she was, not what she was.

What Kaito got out of this relationship was a person who treated him like a real person and not a convenient errand boy. Akiho inspired him to care, bringing out the gentle sides to him that he didn’t know he had because the environment he was “raised” in stunted his ability to empathize. He began to do stuff he normally wouldn’t do because they were a “hassle”. He found far more meaning and purpose with her (even in the most mundane things like brewing tea) than he ever did with the Association. He didn’t need to be powerful or possess magic to have worth. He just needed to form a true connection with the right person and through that, he would no longer be lost on what to do with himself.

So it is not at all unnatural for them to come to love each other beyond measure. To even fall in love with one another because nobody Akiho or Kaito knew before they met went as far as they did for each other. Because nobody YunaAki knew before each other could really comprehend the hell they went through. At least, not better than they themselves can.

Not even Momo or Lilie or even Sakura, the closest people to YunaAki there are.

Sure, Momo has her own history and share of tragedies and possesses a lot of wisdom, making her more than qualified to be the parental figure YunaAki direly need. But her nature as a supernatural, ageless being is the degree of difference that sets her apart from her charges.

Momo is a witness to their journey, their ever protective guardian but she is not the one for either Akiho or Kaito and she knows this. Which is why she always pushes YunaAki to become even closer because if there’s anyone who can help them fight their demons the best, it’s each other.

Momo watched these two grow up in front of her own eyes so nobody knows better than she does that there isn’t anyone else that’s as suitable for Akiho as Kaito is and vice versa.

Also, as their responsible chaperone, Momo wouldn’t have let Kaito near Akiho if he were truly a danger to her, much less agree to contract with him in the first place. The fact that Momo still remains on Kaito’s side as of right now in the story (ch 61) is the most solid proof that Kaito isn’t scheming to hurt Akiho.

Then Lilie. Lilie was the first person to ever approach and treat Kaito like a human being. She didn’t seek him out for his powers but rather, appealed to him like a motherly/auntie figure would to a kid by offering him snacks and spending time to talk with him.

Her genial effort to guide Kaito onto the path he’ll eventually take left a strong impression on him, yes...but it was never meant to be more than that.

Lilie is not the one either and she also knew this.

Because she saw the future in her dreams, already knew that Kaito and Akiho would meet and paved the way for that so that Kaito would take the initiative to go to her daughter on his own accord. Because Lilie already had her own beloved, knew what it was like to have that one special person to love above all others, and wanted Kaito to be able to find his as well because doing so would save him.

But also because despite them both being very powerful magicians, they led very different lives. Whereas Lilie was actually valued among the Squids and enjoyed a certain amount of freedom and grew up with a healthier mindset because of it, Kaito was blatantly used as a magical resource by the Association with no regards to his emotional needs as a child, resulting in him having the lowest opinion of himself.

Just like Akiho, her own daughter, would as well.

Knowing these two needed someone, and not just anyone but someone who could truly understand their personal plights and know how to support them, Lilie made the decision to say these words to Kaito so that they would act as a beacon in his mind towards his future:

The “like/love” that belongs only to you is surely waiting for you out there, waiting for you to realize (them)

“You will come to know love. And you’ll know it is love because there’s nothing else in the world that can make you feel that way”

It’s Akiho. Because Akiho is the one who moved Kaito to make the very first decision for himself in his life. She’s the only one who could and can drive him into action, to make him feel anger and sadness and want to fight this hard for something.

Everything Kaito does, it is for Akiho’s sake. To change the impending fate of her losing her soul. To give her a world where she no longer has to cry.

Lilie saw this in her dreams and pushed Kaito towards it so the future where YunaAki save each other could be fulfilled.

Finally, Sakura. Sakura is the personification of CCS’s main message (that unconditional love should not discriminate) as well as the ally YunaAki need right now.

She is a person who will prove to YunaAki that she is worthy of their trust after so many betrayals they went through. She won’t judge them or turn them away but instead choose to help them because that’s the right thing to do. Because warmth, hope and compassion are the cruxes of her character.

She will definitely not stand for YunaAki getting less than a happy ending after everything they’ve had to endure.

However, Sakura is not the one either.

Because there's a limit to how much she can comprehend about either Akiho or Kaito’s pain. Even with the synchro “assisting” her somewhat in empathizing with Akiho through dreams, those are still not Sakura’s feelings, memories and experiences. They are Akiho’s and cannot be transferred to anyone else.

Akiho and Sakura are very distinct from each other, individual of each other because of that. Therefore, the depths Sakura can reach can only go this far.

Adding onto it, the rest of the original CCS cast come from very privileged homes where love, support and protection were always available to them. They were never lacking in what mattered most.

So it would be very difficult for them to try and navigate through a situation as horrible, heartbreaking and complicated as YunaAki’s. Considering the majority of them are still children themselves with barely any experience into how the real world works (and most of them can’t be told the secrets of magic anyway) while the Clow faction is more inclined to protect Sakura than anything, it’s hard to picture any of them having a genuine interest in wanting to truly know the newcomers of this arc.

There aren’t enough significant bridges established between YunaAkiMomo and the members of Sakura’s group for that to be portrayed believably.

Don’t get me wrong, they’d still show sympathy because they’re good people, after all. Any decent person would when they hear about the atrocities of abuse or the serious trauma caused by mental illness.

But the way this story is structured so centrically around its main heroine, I doubt anyone except Sakura can manage to close the distance with YunaAki. And even then, because of the reasons above (and how much YunaAki will actually let her in into that part of their lives), she can only do so much.

Which is fine. It’s not something to fault Sakura or the other characters for. The important thing is that when someone is in trouble, another person steps up to help those in need. And that’s Sakura’s role in YunaAki’s story. That’s more than good enough from her.

However, for Akiho and Kaito to be able to truly overcome the obstacle that is their pasts, I believe it is the most crucial that they have at least that one special person who they know can accept them wholly and whom they can be totally free in front of.

Free to share their thoughts and feelings without that reluctance of possibly being a burden to the other.

Free to talk, cry, rage and completely let go about everything that upset them and still be there to hold each other through it all, tirelessly reassuring “you’re going to be okay, I’m here for you”.

Akiho and Kaito deserve someone who will know the right words to say and the right things to do in order to comfort them, to help them heal. They deserve that one person who they’ll look to when they feel insecure and their anxiety will vanish because “you know me, you get me without trying, you understand even without me having to explain.”

Ch 61 pretty much confirms that’s the case as far as Akiho’s side goes. A developing case, at least.

Sakura had offered to listen to whatever Akiho wished to share on Akiho’s terms (ch 56) and for that, Akiho was grateful.

However, the fact that Akiho hasn’t done so yet shows that she still needs time before confiding in her friend about her family affairs which are tied directly to the most vulnerable parts of herself.

On the other hand, with Kaito in ch 61, Akiho really didn’t worry at all about taking up his time. When she asked if they could talk a little, she already knew he’d be willing and ready to listen, just as he always is (for her).

Because he’s known her for far longer than Sakura does (years as opposed to Sakura’s few months) and most importantly, Akiho knows that Kaito is aware of her coming from a clan of magicians. This is not information outsiders (which Sakura falls under) are privy to so for her to speak openly about the Squids in front of him...it not only proves he’s not an “uninvolved person” but also shows how much she trusts him to discuss something so personal.

And when he defended Akiho against her reiterating the clan’s disappointment (”in the end, she (I) can’t do anything”), she was only lightly surprised before she smiled and shook her head at his apology for acting out of line.

As if saying, “It’s okay, I know you meant well. I know you got mad for my sake.”

Akiho doesn’t have it in herself yet to be angry at her clan...so Kaito gets angry for her instead.

With that, she knows that she’s cared for. With that, she knows he feels and cares for her very much.

And that’s all Akiho ever wanted, really. A person to be on her side.

Because she has that, because she has Kaito, Akiho has already become stronger than her scars of the past. Sure, the pain will still be there because it always hurts to not be wanted by your own family...but that no longer matters as much as the present she has now. The present where she has friends who swore to do anything to help her and not let her feel lonely. The present where she can smile happily from the bottom of her heart.

The present Akiho that became possible because Kaito was there to understand her, defend her and fight for her.

Nobody ever did that for Akiho and nobody after Kaito will ever go to the lengths he did for her either. Because nobody else loves Akiho as much as he does.

And now Akiho wants to do the same for him. Because she cares greatly for him, too. Because he’s her most important person and she truly loves him and doesn’t want to lose him.

Even though Akiho isn’t aware of Kaito’s powers or the secrets he’s been keeping behind her back at the moment, that doesn’t mean she’s going to abandon him when she learns about them. Especially when he was the first person to ever accept everything about her and do everything within his ability to make her happy.

It would be extremely OOC of Akiho to act that way and go against everything the authors have built and established about these characters.

That a relationship goes both ways, not one.

That a relationship is not easy, perfect or automatic. It requires time and patience and learning to get through the hurdles and barriers between two people.

For Kaito, that is more terrifying than dying because all his life, he’s only ever known of being used by others, including himself in his goal to save Akiho. So it makes sense why he harbors distrust against the world. Why it’s so difficult for him to believe he can be anything good for Akiho.

He can give and give and give...but he refuses to receive help from her in return.

He thinks so little of his own welfare, is so full of self-loathing and on top of that, carries the immense guilt of putting Akiho in this situation when in reality, he was only doing what he could to prevent it. And there was no guarantee that she would’ve come out safe even if he didn’t make that “blank book” comment because the Squids, being the psychopaths they are, surely would have thought up other cruel uses for her even if they didn’t turn her into an artifact.

Yet he still sees it as his responsibility to correct it. To do whatever he can to eradicate the danger planted inside her by the magicians. He’s willing to give his very life to apologize to Akiho because he doesn’t think he can make it up to her any other way.

However, anyone can die. It’s not difficult to die.

It’s living that is so much harder.

But at least, by properly facing your feelings, you have the chance to release all that inner turmoil and anguish trapped inside. After that, the “load” on your chest doesn’t feel as excruciating and you can slowly work on getting better.

......in theory, it’s easy to say. In actuality, it’s not easy to do.

Because to understand yourself...requires having to relive all your horrible experiences, nightmares and regrets before coming to terms with them.

When I began my sessions with my therapist, it took me several weeks of crying out all the emotions I’ve bottled up for over 20 years before my mental state went back to being relatively stable. Though it was liberating, at the same time it was very difficult to work up the courage just to talk about it. It felt so awful to feel all that pent up hurt just hit me at max capacity.

So imagine how much worse and scarier it is for Kaito, who is shouldering so many issues right now and not once has given himself a relief from them. His severe low self-esteem that left him convinced he’ll always be alone, that no one would miss him if he’s gone. The painful solitude he still remembers before Akiho came and changed all that. The massive guilt that crushes him every day over how he put his most important person in the situation she’s in now and how that same guilt is what’s keeping him from reaching out to comfort her because he doesn’t think he has the right to be close to her.

The distress over how he and Akiho are running out of time (his health rapidly deteriorating because of using too much rewind and the artifact starting to shut out Akiho’s consciousness), the pressure of Sakura’s group closing in on him now that Sakura is aware he’s a magician, the fear that he won’t be able to protect Akiho from the European magicians...and the persistent determination to save Akiho nonetheless in spite of all these odds against him.

Not to mention, another danger of someone’s magic possibly going berserk during this whole mess. Because remember, in CCS, people’s powers are connected to their emotions. So if he loses control over his magic because of that, there’s no telling what harm may befall him or Akiho or anyone involved.

Subconsciously, Kaito might have realized this...which may be one of the reasons he’s turning a blind eye to his feelings. To maintain control of the situation.

He cannot risk getting distracted, not even for a moment. He can’t allow himself to let down his guard at anytime because doing so might just mean losing everything he’s worked so hard to achieve up till now.

And that’s a common defense mechanism, really. We all hide behind a smile, sweep what’s bothering us underneath the rug, in order to try and function normally throughout the day.

Nobody wants to suddenly find themselves in a meltdown. Nobody wants to feel so vulnerable, lost and utterly helpless when they can no longer deal with the weight of their problems and crash from that.

Not to mention, it’s so obvious that Kaito’s the type that loathes to be a burden to his loved ones and you can see it in the way he always deflects Akiho whenever she shows concern for his health and begs him to rest.

He’s always like “Please don’t worry about me, think of yourself first.”

Again, he doesn’t think he deserves to receive Akiho’s kindness so he often tries to steer the conversation away from him and make her the subject again.

But this also stems from his struggle to really trust anyone, to be willing to rely on others for support and not do everything alone.

Not only is Kaito adamant that Akiho shouldn’t be plagued with his problems, he also doesn’t believe she can bear the weight of them. In other words, the truth about himself.

That he’s a magician and a powerful one at that. That he used to be associated with the people who put her through that ritual. That his “blank book” remark is the cause for why she’s in this predicament even though that was never his intention.

That he planned all this. Taking her from Europe all the way to Japan, letting her meet Sakura, synchronize with Sakura, all for the sake of his wish (to save her).

How would Akiho react to that? Would she detest him? Hate him for what he’s done, what he is? A calculating magician who’s been manipulating the events around her newfound best friend?

It’s such a terrifying idea, the thought of the person you love most hating you.

And it gets even scarier because what if the shock of the reveal breaks her heart and belief in people forever? Then Akiho will never be happy.

If there’s a risk of that, then Kaito will surely think it’s not worth it to tell her. Moreover, it’s far too dangerous with the current circumstances. The seals he placed on the artifact (ch 35) have already been broken (ch 49) just by Akiho’s sadness breaking to the surface in response to Sakura’s words about wanting her friend to be happy.

The progression of the artifact is triggered by Akiho’s emotions and if she feels anything of intense negativity, then she (her soul) can be instantly swallowed up and he’ll lose Akiho.

It’s not worth it. If not knowing keeps her safe, Akiho never has to learn the truth about him. As long as she can smile and have a warm future, he’d be glad to erase himself from her life. He’d be happy to die for her (the reply to her “the moon is beautiful”/“I love you”).

He believes he isn’t of any value to anyone anyway so what loss will there be if he’s forgotten by the end of all this?

But Kaito underestimates just how strong Akiho really is, especially when it comes to her feelings towards him.

There is no way her love is that weak that she’d be okay about letting him leave her like that. She’s constantly on his case, telling him he should rest because she can see through his perfect mask how fatigued he is. She’s always worrying about him and becomes so sad when he won’t let her do even that.

Akiho’s willing to go through any lengths to protect Kaito as well, just like he’s been doing for her this entire time.

And she’s demonstrated that when it comes to perseverance and courage, she is the stronger of the two of them.

Akiho isn’t afraid of getting hurt and it shows because every time Kaito brushes her off, she comes back and tackles harder. She’s essentially telling him “rely on me, you don’t have to be afraid, I’m here for you”. She can handle any turbulence that comes their way because she knows her love for Kaito is greater than any hardship she’ll face. She knows it’ll be alright as long as she has that.

So even if she does get shocked by the truth, it’s only going to be a minor bump in the road compared to fearful prospect of losing her most beloved person forever.

The truth is, Akiho has always been fighting since the beginning even before she met Kaito. And she’s only gotten more resilient with time thanks to Kaito removing her from her poisonous clan and bringing her into a safe space so that her true self can properly flourish as it’s meant to.

Akiho resisted giving into bitter hatred when she had every right to lash out against the world for what it’s done to her. She retained her kindness and compassion and chose to focus on what’s most important to her: the bonds with the people she cares about.

So the issue of whether she can accept the truth about Kaito or not is pretty much nonexistent. Because she loves him for who he is, not what he is.

The person she fell in love with is the Kaito who she’s known for years, has been by her side for years. The Kaito who took care of her, supported her and gave her everything she’s ever wanted and needed.

So what if he’s a magician? That’s just one part of him. It doesn’t wholly define him and it isn’t a problem for her to unconditionally love that aspect of him as well.

Because please, please, please understand, what hurt Akiho the most wasn’t magic itself but people that did. It was the heartless, selfish community (with their fucking goddamn ableism mentality) she was born into that ostracized her and made her feel like shit. Not magic.

Akiho may be young but she’s not dumb. She knows how to tell good people and bad people apart. Therefore, there certainly can be good magicians that stand apart from bad magicians as well.

Sakura’s definitely a good magician and would never make Akiho cry or cause her to feel less for not having any powers. And Akiho adores Sakura and cherishes their friendship so much that something as trivial as magic can’t stand in the way of how dearly think think of one another.

So if Akiho is determined to hold onto this bond she has with Sakura, how the hell can anyone fathom she wouldn’t want to do the same for her relationship with Kaito, who isn’t just the most important person in her life but also the very first good person she’s ever known? The first good magician who’s also currently fighting tooth and nail against death to free her from that society that still wants to hollow her out into a husk?

That’s absurd.

Again, Kaito means so much more to Akiho than what he is. He’s more than just her caretaker, more than just a magician. He’s an extremely kind and devoted young man who had a very unfortunate upbringing and is tormented by the past.

He’s just like her.

That’s why, even before she learns the truth about him, Akiho already on some level knows him. She’s had years to observe him and his mannerisms and behavior.

And because they’re so similar, she can definitely understand him and relate to his pain better than anyone else can. It’s not the magic she sees, it’s the person he is.

Akiho is more than strong enough to accept Kaito and support him through his troubles. Nobody’s forcing her to and she’s not doing it out of obligation. She chooses Kaito because she wants to of her own will.

Honestly, this kind of connection is incredibly rare (even among non-romantic love as well). For someone who can see everything you are, the good and the less than ideal parts, and say “I will accept all of you, I am not afraid to love you.”

It does not mean omitting their faults. Rather, it’s the strength to acknowledge, embrace and forgive the fact that nothing is perfect. It’s to not let your perspective be ruled over by prejudice. To not let one small, superficial aspect stain the beauty of the entire picture.

So what if Akiho can’t do magic? That’s not going to make Kaito love her any less because he’s already seen, already knows, that just having magic can never compare to a fraction of the sum of all the great qualities Akiho does possess. And he knows this better than anyone because he’s been with her longer than anyone else has to witness them!

So what if Kaito is a magician? That doesn’t erase all his efforts to help her escape her toxic family and his desire to keep her safe from harm. It doesn’t negate his pure feelings of wanting Akiho to receive the happiness she truly deserves. That is what’s matters. That is what’s always going to mean more to her than anything.

YunaAki are never going to forget those things, the most important things, about each other. Nothing can make them, it’s impossible.

The way their characters are written, separate and around each other.

The way their relationship is portrayed with layers upon layers of complexity, transcending things like age or gender or sexuality.

The reason why CLAMP suddenly brought the phrase “ 私だけの人” (“The only person for me”) into the story right when we’re reaching the start of the climax of CC. Right when we’re finally getting the overdue extended exposition into Akiho and Kaito’s pasts.

The incredible stroke of luck that out of probably a billion chances, YunaAki were able to find the one special person meant solely for them and them alone.

It is to illustrate the authors’ intentions regarding these two persons. That no one else can love them better, can love them the best, than they do each other.

YunaAki aren’t only compatible because they’ve got similar backgrounds (and therefore, also have similar understandings) but also because they have a special sensitivity to one another that nobody else does.

Even though their real personalities are quite different (Akiho being more optimistic and outgoing with Kaito being more moody and cynical), when they’re around each other, they show sides of themselves that no other person has that ability to bring out.

Kaito’s eyes don’t soften so gently for anyone else but Akiho. He’s not attentive towards anyone else like he is towards Akiho.

When she’s hurting, he so evidently aches for her as well and you can see it in all the expressions he makes whenever he’s around her.

And when Akiho is super happy or wishes to discuss something she feels very deeply for, it’s always about Kaito.

Nobody else can get her to smile, so warmly and brimming with quiet but potent affection, like Kaito can.

“The one who brings out the best in me is you. The one who makes me feel the most beautiful and precious is you. The one who will give me the greatest despair is you if I ever lose you.”

The only one.

The one they can’t afford to spare, not even for the world. The most important one.

Which is why they’re fighting. At the end of the day, it’s not about who wins but what one must do in order to not lose.

Putting everything on the line for the sake of love. As proof of one’s love.

I believe this is the narrative Ohkawa-sensei is going for here. And you know it is because this theme is universal in CLAMP’s works and has actually been stated by Ohkawa herself (check the wiki, I believe she said it a press conference).

Well okay, we get all that about acceptance and what’s important but where does choice fit into this spiel then, hm?

Because yes, even if Kaito is intent on saving Akiho and hiding things from her for her own safety (reminder that the artifact can activate at any moment), Akiho will not approve of him trying to force-give her happiness this way, especially at the expense of his own life.

...among several other problems since we still don’t know the exact details of his plan. The only things about it that has been confirmed by Kaito’s own words are:

1) He needs Sakura to manifest a specific card in order to activate Momo’s book, the pivotal key to accomplishing his wish.

2) Sakura’s other Clear Cards (and possibly the artifact inside Akiho as well) can act as some sort of “fuel” to power Momo’s book or the taboo of the book or whatever.

In short, some sort of spell is needed to save Akiho. So what is the purpose of this spell? What does it do?

There are a bunch of theories going around including Kaito possibly wanting Akiho and Sakura to switch lives (though ch 61 seems to be disproving that atm) or trying to the reverse the state of Akiho’s body to the moment before she underwent the ritual. Maybe he might even want to create a copy of Sakura’s “perfect” life (thereby messing up the time-space continuum?) ...but make it so it’s a world without magic and insert Akiho in it?

We don’t know and none of us can claim confirmation about anything until CLAMP finally reveals Kaito’s intentions in future chapters.

What we do know is that Kaito sees absolutely no hope of him coming out of this alive.

The repeated use of rewind magic causes him severe seizures and now he’s passing out from the exertion of it as well. Kaito barely has enough left in him to even stand and yet, despite Momo warning him against it multiple times, he refuses to listen.

Because saving Akiho means so much more than preserving his own life, which in his mind is just a small price to pay.

Because he believes Akiho must choose happiness for herself. Whatever that means, whatever he envisions for her as “happiness”, he needs her to choose that.

That’s probably what he’s been conditioning her to do from the beginning when they started traveling together. That’s why he’s always offering her options , to get her into the habit of choosing what she prefers. To think about what she wants.

“Please don’t worry about me (I am of no value), think about yourself.”

Choose a normal life where she can have a loving family and good friends and a future.

Choose a life where there is no magic which consequently means a world without him since the only thing he sees himself useful for is his magic.

Kaito seems convinced that magic is the source of Akiho’s pain...so without it, without him who unknowingly cursed her into her fate, she can finally be free.

But that’s just what Kaito believes in that stubborn head of his, drowning in all his internalized self-hatred and guilt. Again, right now, he has no idea just how much Akiho loves him and how much it will hurt her if they’re torn apart.

As long as he remains unaware of her true feelings, he will continue to go down the wrong path. He will continue to avoid facing his heart and his death will cause Akiho an even greater grief than any actual happiness he wishes for her.

He will not realize that his pursuit for an ideal world for Akiho is what effectively deprives her of her choice on what happiness means to her.

And that’s to be with Kaito, her most beloved person, always.

If Kaito dies, they lose that forever. They cannot go back on it.

That’s why it is extremely crucial that Akiho confess to him again, this time with the more direct “I love you”.

Only by getting across to Kaito that she loves him dearly, that she sees him as special and the one person she doesn’t want to live without, can it put a halt to this downward spiral of self-destruction.

Moreover, by choosing Kaito over a “perfect world”, Akiho will teach him the real meaning of the word “choice”.

That she chooses Kaito for him and not his magic. That even with magic, she can accept all of him because there isn’t a single thing about him that she doesn’t love.

And just as he chose of his own will to save her and give her freedom, Akiho will choose him to give him his - to free him from the belief that he’s destined to be alone.

By knowing he is not alone, that he is cared for and loved by someone, Kaito can begin to properly heal. He can finally learn to trust someone, to believe that he too has a right to live, to have a place to belong to in this world (with Akiho, by Akiho’s side).

He will no longer have any reason to die. He will not wish to leave Akiho because doing so will only bring her endless despair and if there’s anything we can be sure of, Kaito will not accept any outcome where Akiho is less than happy.

To conclude this overly long ramble (yea, it’s ramble-analysis at this point...rambalysis?), everybody chooses their own happiness. It’s not something another person can decide for them.

Choice also extends to those we love and how we love them.

By choosing to love the correct way...that is, by supporting each other, caring for one another, accepting one another for who they are and not what they are...can we hope to find, to become, the true love we’re looking for.

True love brings out the best in people, allows the real strengths of their characters to bloom and thrive as they’re meant to.

True love heals, helps us become stronger and better than our old selves so that we don’t lose to our weaknesses of the past.

True love will never intentionally hurt you and even if there is pain, it’s the proof that you’re alive. Alive to feel, alive to hope and to fight. To choose your own happiness.

That is the meaning I’ve found in YunaAki.