#that's the reason for the somewhat odd caption choice. maybe i just wanted to include an opm song in this somehow hindi ko alam ngayon

[genosoffline]

panalangin ko sa habang buhay

[wealmostknewwhatlovewas14-blog]

He got married. To some British woman whom he had met in Toronto when she was here a while back.

The summer after my first year of college was weird.  The very last day of class, which happened to be his class- well my best friend and I had schemed some fantastic plan that would give him and I a chance to be alone. Until another student ruined it. It was almost like the other student knew not to leave us alone. He ended up basically running away. He knew there was something going on and he was avoiding it.  Right after that bestie and I went to Boston Pizza (our usual bar of choice) the one downtown, somewhere on King I think. We had a few drinks, sangria to be exact, while we sat on the patio talking about how our year had gone from being about school to about crushes. We each had a crush on someone we couldn’t have.  As we were sitting there, creeping our dream lovers on Facebook she reminded me that I could add him now. Maybe it was the drinks, maybe it was the excitement and adrenaline from talking about him but I sent a request.

Sure enough I would spend the rest of the evening waiting to see a response. Every time I would check, there would be nothing, no acceptance, but also no denial.

I don’t remember why, but my roommate wasn’t home that night. She had probably gone home or something before her summer courses started. So I was by myself and I remember continuing to drink once I was home. I probably watched a movie, or TV or something before bed.  Eventually I had fallen asleep, but I woke up around 2 AM for no real reason. So what did I do? I grabbed my phone. 

There is was. 

The notification that would send my summer into a spiraling stream of obsession.  

He had confirmed me as a friend. 

There it was. His social history just sitting there, for me to see. For me to creep. His personal life was finally within reach. 

I don’t remember if I called my best friend then or waited for the next day. All I remember is when I told her, she told me that she had gotten her crushes number. We both felt like we were on top of the world. 

Throughout the summer he would like posts of mine, sometimes he would even like comments I had made on my own posts in conversations with other people. He was clearly intrigued by me. As I was of him, I would like the occasional post, especially ones that pertained to things we had talked about. I would even tag him in the occasional post. Looking back, it was probably pretty weird. 

When he started talking about his trip to the UK I assumed he was just looking for adventure. When an old friend of his commented on one of the posts about making plans I wasn’t worried. I had already creeped her after she had commented on one of his photos, to check out my competition and to make sure he actually was single. She had been to Toronto I assume to work abroad for a year. She lived in the UK and seemed to have a boyfriend.  I was wrong. Oh boy, was I wrong.  At first when he was posting pictures of London and other places he had visited it all seemed normal vacation-ee stuff. Then they met up. A lot of pictures included her. One in particular involved some caption about how something good had happened. 

Even after he came home she continued to comment on his stuff more frequently than before, and he would tag her in things, that before he would leave open. Things I would usually comment on. 

It must have only been a couple weeks later he had posted about giving up his Tinder account. 

I knew right in that moment what that meant. He was promising her something. 

When second year started I would still see him around. His office was moved to where the other profs from our program had their offices. Which meant we would be seeing a lot of each other because my friends and I often hung out at the tables in front of those offices. Once we met all of our teachers I learned that one of them (the one who would play a huge part in my life after college) happened to his best friend. So they would get me to tell each other things when they would cancel on each other and what not. Or when one of them wanted to say something mean (jokingly) to the other. 

For the next year I would see my crush around, and he would spot me places and always come and say hi. He gave me advise on philosophy papers and was excited to talk Noam Chomsky with me. When I graduated he wrote me a recommendation letter, and he probably still would today. 

He was interested to know where I was going next, and was somewhat less excited when I told him I was moving to Thunder Bay than my other profs. 

At this point, I wasn’t over him. I was hoping that something would go wrong with his London Lover, and he would come running to me. Hell, I’d be a rebound. Eventually she came to visit and he would go back to visit her. It seemed every chance they got they were together. 

When I moved away, I still kept in contact with him. He eventually told me that he was leaving the school, as were most of my other profs, and that he was moving to the UK once his visa went through. 

Sure enough about two years after his first trip to visit her they got married.  He lives there now. I think he is happy. He certainly looks it in all of the pictures he is always posting. 

I like the occasional one, he likes the odd thing I post.  I am sure that if I were to message him he would respond. But it sort of seems silly at this point. 

There is no way he didn’t know how I felt. There is no way he has any feelings for me. Maybe if I consider getting  my masters in Philosophy of language I will give him a shout. 

For now I have moved on. I live on a different continent. I left first too. who knows what would have happened had I have stayed, but I’m not even sure it matters.  To be frank, I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I hope to tell my story one day, and when that day comes he will be a part of it. A fairly big one even if he was only my teacher for a year. He taught me more than he will ever know.  He helped lead me to success whether he meant to or not. 

He’s married now, maybe because he was trying to run away from me, the way I ran from him. maybe I influenced him too.