#that's the joke douchebag

[hp-hcs]

(Fine, I’ll do it my damn self: part 1 of my silly lil mlm stories <3)

Gay Awakening (Chapter One) — smitten! mattheo riddle x male! reader

TWs: tobacco & alcohol use, internalized homophobia, homophobic slurs (once)

hella ooc mattheo. congrats, ur his gay awakening, and he’s an absolutely smitten lil gay mess for you but yk he’s trying

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“Hey, dude. Who’s that?” Theodore asked, bumping Mattheo’s arm to get his attention, then pointing his fork in your direction. You were sitting at the very end of the table’s bench, wearing an oversized black muggle hoodie with your green tie loose and haphazardly slung around your neck. You were animatedly talking with, out of all people, a Hufflepuff. The Hufflepuff girl sitting at the Slytherin table either seemed to be completely unaware of the looks she was receiving, or she was steadfastly ignoring them. Your laugh cut through the room, the Hufflepuff cracking up with you.

“American transfer students,” Malfoy sneered. “They clearly don’t know the rules yet.”

“Oh, shut up, Draco,” Pansy rolled her eyes, resting her chin on her hand and looking at the Hufflepuff for a moment too long.

Draco scoffed, clearly offended. “Whatever. They’re probably faggots anyway.”

Pansy whirled around with a furious expression. Mattheo himself flinched slightly at the slur, which caused Blaise to look at him questioningly. Once Mattheo had waved Blaise’s unspoken question off, Zabini shrugged, leaning over and muttering in his ear, “Ten galleons says she brings up Potter.”

“-and everyone knows that you have a crush on Harry Motherfucking Potter, so maybe you should take your bigotry and shove it right up your-”

“Pansy?” you questioned, awkwardly standing across from her. “Here, ‘m supposed t’ give this to you.”

You leaned across the table to drop a folded up note in front of her, allowing Mattheo to catch a faint whiff of your cologne. You looked back down at the floor shyly, hurrying back to your spot at the end of the table.

“He’s hot,” Theo shrugged, taking a bite of his toast. “I call dibs.”

“You can’t call dibs on the guy who just asked Pansy out, dipshit.”

“Actually, it’s a note from the ‘puff,” Pansy interjected, twisting her wrist around to show off the neat cursive written in a purple glitter gel pen. “She wants to go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend, dipshit.”

“Yeah, dipshit,” Mattheo teased Theodore. “Plus, I think Malfoy already called dibs on him, so tough luck.”

Theo blew a raspberry at him, only a slight distraction from where Mattheo’s comment had fueled another Pansy-rant and left Draco sinking low in his seat as if he wanted to disappear.

~~~

“Alright, Zabini, you’re up. What classic novel is a satirical adaptation of R. M. Ballantyne’s The Coral Island?”

“Why the fuck would I know that, Berkshire?”

“Blaise forfeits! Sudden death round is down to just us, Riddle,” Theo crowed excitedly, watching as the score quill of the charmed muggle trivia game scratched Blaise’s name off of the paper score sheet, drawing a condescending frowny face next to it.

Enzo laughed, flipping over the little hourglass timer. “If anyone can answer in the next thirty seconds, they automatically win the game.”

“No idea,” Mattheo shrugged. Theodore spun his rings around on his fingers before shrugging too.

“The Lord of the Flies,” your quiet voice pipes up. The game players all look over in your direction from where you’ve just entered the common room—coming back from the library, it looked like, if the stack of books in your hands explained anything.

“What?” Draco asked, raising an eyebrow and sneering.

“The Lord of the Flies,” you repeated. “William Golding. Fantastic book.”

Malfoy huffed. “And who are you, exactly?”

“Y/n L/n,” you introduced yourself, nodding politely in their direction before wordlessly disappearing up the dorm room stairs.

Mattheo stared after you alongside his friends, none of them immediately noticing the charmed quill writing your name down on the score card as the winner.

~~~

“C’n I bum a smoke?” your sleepy voice called softly from behind Mattheo. He turned around from his spot on the otherwise unoccupied balcony to see you rubbing your eyes, a fuzzy green blanket draped around your shoulders. He cleared his throat and nodded, fishing a fresh cigarette out of the pack and holding it out to you. His heart rate stuttered for a moment when your fingers brushed against his.

“Thanks,” you muttered, using a wandless incantation to light it. Mattheo leaned back against the railing, taking a drag from his half-finished cigarette and blowing the smoke out thoughtfully.

“Why’re you up? It’s a little late for that, don’t you think?”

Maybe it was his well-meaning-but-patronizing phrasing or the confidence-imbued late night cigarette, but you clicked your tongue once and said in a short, clipped tone, “Oh, shut the fuck up, you hypocrite.”

Mattheo barked out a surprised laugh, choking on his lungful of smoke and falling into a coughing fit.

“Language, L/n,” he teased.

“English, Riddle,” you snickered back.

He grinned at you, blushing a nice pink color as you both smoked in a comfortable silence for a moment.

“My roommate brought some girl back from the party he went to,” you say after a while. “Didn’t want to deal with all that.”

“Ah,” Mattheo nodded slowly. “Boys seem to lose all of their brain cells as soon as they come within a ten-foot radius of a hot girl.”

You snort. “Not all of us.”

“Yeah?” he questioned, in a way he hoped came off as nonchalant, even though he was internally freaking out. “No lucky lady piquing your interest?”

“This may shock you, but believe it or not, I’m not actually into girls at all,” you snort again, dropping the cigarette butt and grinding it into the ground with the toe of your sneaker.

“Really?” he asked in a high voice before loudly clearing his throat. “I mean- really? That’s cool. Uh, m-me too.”

“Yeah?” you glanced up at him curiously. “Huh. I wouldn’t’a guessed.”

“Can I kiss you, Y/n?” Mattheo blurted out, immediately snapping his mouth shut and mentally facepalming.

“Sure,” you shrugged.

“Huh?”

“I said sure.”

The poor boy was frozen in place, gaping at you. Taking pity on him, you made the first move—tugging on his tie to pull him down to your level.

His hand found the back of your neck, gripping it while kissing you softly—much more gently than you would’ve expected.

When you broke apart, he looked like he’d just been enlightened. Like he might've actually shouted eureka! and run off.

“Holy shit,” he breathed. “I’ve never kissed a guy before- holy shit.” He laughs freely, cupping your face to kiss you again.

“So what now, Archimedes?” At his confused expression you elaborated, “Muggle reference, sorry.”

He nodded slowly, his fingers automatically winding their way into the hair at the nape of your neck. “Well… you could sleep with me tonight,” he offered after a moment. “Y’know, so you don’t have to deal with your roommate.”

“Oh, um, I’m not really that type of guy, Mattheo…” you trailed off.

“Oh!” His eyes widened in panic. “I didn’t mean to imply- I mean, not that I wouldn’t love- I meant we could just literally sleep in the same bed!”

You giggled, a bit relieved. “I’d like that.”

He took a deep breath, smiling hesitantly at you. “No funny business, promise. All at your discretion.”

He held out his hand to you, and you took it immediately, leaning into his side.

“So about that fight between Malfoy and Pansy…”

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Chapter Two

[buriedinmyownfeelings]

One week later and I’m still going absolutely feral over the fact that Joke has a jack of hearts tattoo right above his heart

How am I supposed to be normal about this?! He literally has his love for Jack tattooed on his body

[scrunchie-87]

HELP ME 😭😭😭

[onebizarrekai]

man. I've already edited the monika chapters some, yet I must edit them more, and this frightens me (the dialogue hurts to read. specifically nevin's dialogue. that's why)

edit: oh no… it's even worse than I thought… how did it turn out like this (he finds out she's a supernatural being, makes fun of the way she looks and immediately lets her in the house??) yeah. I'm needing to change way more about this than I originally planned

[no-context-nonsense]

Pretend it’s Saturday…

It’s hockey season bitches which means it’s time to reread Sweater Weather and cry.

[famiglia-lealta]

I'm gonna need KHR merchandise to stop stealing Xanxus's muscles. He doesn't need to be the yassified twink, that's what Squalo's for--

[kellterntempest]

Dean Winchester did nothing wrong*

*he committed a thousand crimes and atrocities yes yes I know all is forgiven

[the-dear-skull]

Had a revelation regarding the Furry Argentine incident.

Nothing in my tags said anything about POC. The only people I mentioned were German Nazis, who were, surprise surprise, white.

Arguably it was ignorant of indigenous people of the global south, given what I mentioned was Western things, but if we killed everyone who was ignorant of indigenous people of the global south, very few people would still be alive. But it cannot be racist

[tacticalgrandma]

Trying to find Baldur’s Gate content that’s not centered on Astarion

[vitiateoriginator]

Tumblr listen ik I've mentioned an interest in selfshipping, however if you give me ads for draco malfoy character ai tagged as #x Reader one more time I'm committing arson

[hecatesdelights]

[asleepinawell]

I have no real interest in playing ffxvi but I'm obsessed with the shitty little twink (shocking) and can someone please tell me if he ever turns into a horse or if all the horse jokes are just because sleipnir and odin etc etc. like hilarious either way but it's funnier if he really just turns into a fucking horse at some point

[aroace-cat-lady]

He's the assholest asshole to ever assholed

[lovetheorem]

ok now hold awn... where r people getting the idea that sebastian is Mean.. he is like the typical IT nerd but emo. he has anxiety. i don't. ?? he loves frogs and board games wdymmmmm

[solemnrose]

How anyone is surprised that the idiot Shad of "Shadversity" wrote a book where the main character is a Mary-Sue level power fantasy and the female characters are all defined by their desire to cook and submit sexually to their husbands and how a rape victim just throws herself at every guy she can as a coping mechanism is just . . . Beyond me. Like y'all never actually paid attention to how much of a magnificent loser that guy is? He doesn't know fuck all about the topics he talks about and he's literally said no man will watch someone with a women lead unless she's sexy . . . Like come on 😅 The writing was on the walls.

[marisatomay]

i cannot believe i am once again weighing in here but by pressing play on a movie you are consenting to whatever the movie contains. if you don’t like what you see you can revoke your consent by turning the movie off.