#that's so much sodium surely it will Fix Me

[tj-crochets]

I have some good news and some less good news: Good news: I think I'm probably going to make the giant cuddly Toothless, I can probably get by Joanns tomorrow during the fleece sale and pick up some black fleece.

Less good news: I am probably not going to be able to finish the quilt today like I'd intended to, my electrolytes apparently got even more out of whack than my normal, because in addition to regular muscle cramps and spasms I got the smooth muscle cramps again! 0/10 do not recommend, they finally stopped but I am so sore (as my doc explained it to me a while ago, smooth muscles are the ones around your organs, and normally you can't feel them at all. If they cramp or spasm very badly, you can feel them and they hurt real bad because you are not used to feeling them. I am not a doctor that's just what he told me) Good news: Sonic is my go-to Maximum Sodium meal so I'm going to have Sonic for lunch and see if that fixes me lol

[artiststarme]

"A Little Fruity"

It was just an average night for the Munsons. Wayne was taking advantage of a rare night off to catch up on laundry and watch a rerun of one of his favorite Western films. Eddie was fiddling around the kitchen trying to create some sort of semi-edible dessert for the two to eat after they had finished their sodium-filled TV dinners. After creating a symphony of clunks and bangs, Eddie came bursting around the small island with a small plate and thrust it into Wayne’s face. 

“Here, try this. Isn’t it amazing? And it’s healthy!” He said excitedly, pushing the plate into Wayne’s hands and watching him take a small nibble. 

Wayne didn’t know what he made, some sort of berry danish or tart it seemed. It was alright but he wasn’t a huge fan of fruity desserts and much preferred richer flavors such as chocolate or caramel. But still, Eddie had tried his best to make a ‘fancy’ dessert and he deserved praise for that. 

“Pretty good, kid! It’s a little fruity though,” he said and gave his nephew a thumbs up while he shoved the entire tart into his mouth.  

“Hey, like me!” Immediately, Eddie realized what he said and tried to backtrack. “Um, not in a gay way!”

“That’s the only way,” Wayne said after a moment, raising an eyebrow. He maintained a calm composure, the direct opposite of Eddie who was on the verge of a panic attack. Eddie’s heart beat hard against his chest, his hands started to shake, and tears filled the brims of his eyes. 

Eddie couldn’t believe he’d been so careless with his words. He’d grown too comfortable and now he was going to pay the price. His uncle was going to abandon him and never talk to him again. And Eddie couldn’t even blame him. If he were him, he wouldn’t want his eccentric, fag of a nephew living with him either. He didn’t know what he could say to fix this. 

“Um…” Eddie couldn’t even speak through the fear clogging his throat. He hadn’t been this scared of Wayne since he was dropped at the man’s doorstep by the social worker when he was 11. It had taken months of Wayne slowly breaking down his walls and gaining his trust until he stopped being so afraid of him. But now with one small slip of tongue, he felt like he had reverted back to the little bald-headed kid he was back in the day that had feared everything.

Wayne, immediately recognizing the terrified glint in his wide eyes, set the plate of dessert next to him on the couch and raised his hands in comforting surrender. “Relax kid, I don’t care what you’re into as long as you’re happy. And safe. It’s alright, Eds. Calm down.”

He rose from his seat and approached his cowering nephew carefully, making sure his hands remained in Eddie’s point of view. Eddie watched him approach with wide eyes as he shook like a leaf. When Wayne placed his hand on Eddie’s shoulder, the boy immediately launched himself into his uncle’s arms for a comforting hug. His frame shook with the force of his cries and the whole time, Wayne just patted his shoulders and murmured comforting words in his ear. 

“It’s alright, kiddo. You’re still my boy, nothing's gonna change that. It’s alright, you’re okay. I know this isn’t how you wanted to tell me but it's okay.”

Wayne meant what he said. His boy was different in a lot of ways and he’d always accepted him before. He wasn’t going to turn on him just for loving who he loved. Times were hard on people like his nephew. Was he disappointed that Eddie was going to have a harder time finding love than his straight counterparts? Absolutely. But he knew it was beyond Eddie’s control and he would never blame him for that. Not for something he couldn’t control and probably not for some things he did have control over. 

Eddie whispered into his shoulder, “you don’t hate me?”

Wayne shook his head passionately, tightening his grip on his nephew. “Of course not! I’m always gonna love ya no matter what. There ain’t a thing you could do that would make me hate you, Eds.”

Eddie let out a weak chuckle, “even if I didn’t graduate again?”

“Even then.” 

“What if I murdered someone?” Eddie asked, words coming out more steadily with his worries assuaged. 

Wayne scoffed, “you can’t even kill the bugs, kid. You couldn’t murder anybody.”

Eddie pulled away enough to look him in the eyes. There was a smile on his face now but it was dimmed by the tears stuck on his pale face. “But if I did?”

“I’d be a little mad but I’d still help you hide the body. You’d probably have a reason. Now, stop yammering and get that guitar of yers. Show me that new tune you were working on.” Wayne said, swatting at his nephew’s tangled hair and pushing him away. 

He listened to his cackling as he went down the hall and shook his head. His boy was too good for this world and he could only hope that when he got hurt, he’d be able to pick up the pieces. 

~*~*~*~

Months later, Wayne remembered their conversation as he sat atop a picnic table outside his trailer smoking a cigarette. As soon as he’d seen the broken body of that young girl in the living room of his trailer, he knew it couldn’t have been Eddie. No, there was no world in which his sweet nephew would ever hurt another human being. It wasn’t in his nature. Eddie was theatrical and extravagant but he was also sensitive and tenderhearted. 

This horrific deed couldn’t have been his Eddie. Not when just a few months ago, he had come out to him with a joke about a goddamn fruit tart. Not when he’d nearly had a panic attack about being hated by the one person that was always in his corner. No, there was no way regardless of what these piece of shit cops said. He just hoped that he could convince them before things got any worse for his boy.

[pillsandumbrellas]

Could you extend on the fat/water for fuel thing you said while fasting please?? Also, some tips? Like you've done this for such a long time it's so impressive

I'm not 100% sure what you're referring to. I'm assuming you're asking about what your body requires to function while still fasting. I'll go into a lot of detail regarding this since I feel like it's important. First of all I'd like to preface this by stating that everyone is different. Some people have deficiencies or immune issues or blood pressure.. the list goes on issues. Before even considering a fast, know your body and it's requirements. I would hate for someone to read anything I write and take my word for it and do something that harms them. I couldn't live that, so please do your research. Regarding what your body needs; if you're already a very thin person, don't fast. You have to understand that when you're eating, your body is burning calories for fuel. When you're not eating, it switches to burning fat. This is ketosis. A lot of the goal of a ketogenic diet is to switch the body over to burning fat for fuel. This is the biggest reason for why people have a really goddamn hard time the first few days of fasting or even starting keto. What people refer to as "keto-flu." It's your body protesting against your switching over to burning fat, when burning calories is so much easier and it's instant energy. Burning fat is a lot more work. So, if you're already thin, your body won't have much fat to burn through. What your body will do instead if burn through muscle and organ tissue. You REALLY do not want that. Bear in mind that even if you have fat deposits, muscle loss is likely to occur anyway, as your body may burn through muscle it thinks you don't necessarily have use for. If you go past a 36h fast, autophagy also begins to occur where your body starts to heal itself. I personally love this and have healed my acne scars through this. I had really bad acne scars and now I have maybe a couple I can see if I look reaaally closely. Putting that aside. You need hydration A LOT of water, and you need fasting minerals (electrolytes). These are mainly sodium, magnesium, and potassium. Now I personally just make snake juice at home, because I like control over what I put inside myself. Water=2L | Potassium chloride =1 tsp | Sodium chloride = 1/2 tsp | Sodium Bicarbonate = 1 tsp Magnesium Sulphate = 1/2 tsp Now it's up to a person to know how long they can fast and how long they should fast, however if you're planning an extended fast. I cannot stress enough to get a general check-up, get professional help during your fast if you can, and monitor your blood pressure and blood sugar levels. Some things I experienced through my many fasts has been throwing up by the way. Usually around day 7-14. I was able to fix this with a mixture of a table spoon of apple cider vinegar and pickle juice. I couldn't drink snake juice anymore, because it was too concentrated it made me feel ill. However the pickle juice had enough minerals to keep me satiated without being overwhelming and the apple cider vinegar balanced me out. No these do not break the fast. This is medically proven to aid with fasting, I didn't just come up with this btw. Also you may find yourself bloated with water as you lose weight and your body decides that it wants to fill the fat you lost with water. Potassium supplements can help with this. Just be careful with your dosage. Little goes a long way. You will pee A LOT. This is normal. You'll pee a lot in the beginning of your fast, as you drop water weight, especially when you got to bed. It slows down towards the middle when your body starts packing on the water. Potassium makes you start the hose again though. Anyway I hope this helps some people, gives some insight. Be careful. Take care of your bodies. Don't be stupid. I can do stupid things, but I try to be a self-aware and well informed idiot. That way I don't have anyone but myself to blame, because I know better.

[silent-raven13]

Pregnant Omega

"That's it! The doc told you, you need complete bed rest! I don't to find you cleaning or moving around so much!" The large Punker wore a ripped shirt with a skull and red Anarchy symbol over it, he crosses his muscular arms being annoyed at his Omega, "You will endanger our pups!"

"But, Baby! I'm so lonely and BORED!" His eight month pregnant Omega whines having to wobble around with his large belly being upset, "Your barely around! My nest isn't helping me, and you're not here." He whines with his scent sending distress signals to his Alpha.

"I know. I know, baby!" His Alpha went over to hug him with his protection pheromones to calm his pregnant Omega, "Luv, I promise. I'll finish this mission and come back here ready to make you comfortable."

"But, you promise last time and had to go be Punisher! I need you here and now!" His omega frowns.

"Luv, this mission will have us set! I promise with all my heart that I will come back to be for you," His husband kisses his lips, cupping his face. "Right now, I want you to stay in bed and rest up. I'll be back as soon as possible!"

His Omega still pouting with his cute plump lips popping out like a sad puppy, "Okay..."

"Luv. Sunflower, my beautiful darling, understands this will be good for us. I will be here for you when I'm done." He kisses his Omega a couple of times.

"Love you, papa bear." His omega softly said.

His Alpha's eyes gleam when his hand pressed his Omega's round belly to feel those kicks, "See you soon, mama bear." He winks at him.

"Hahaha!" He giggles as he lays in his bed where his nest is made, a perfect nest that needs his Alpha to sooth him. When his punker put on his Punisher's hockey mask, he left with a bat that has nails on it and put on his spiked leather jacket.

His omega rested on his bed hearing this husband leaving their condo. The whole building is own by his husband who carefully built an underground level where he can leave with his motorcycle out an abandon warehouse, he also owns.

"I'm so bored!" The Black Latino whines being bored, "Ugh, I need to do something." He's so use to being Spider-man or painting with his free time, but he can't do much with his big belly and the risk of endangering his babies. "Ugghhh, I'm bored and hungry!" He's craving for a big juicy burger, his pups are kicking like crazy.

The small Omega wobbles to the fridge to find anything to satisfied his cravings, instead he saw rows of healthy snacks and foods, and water. "I hate this stupid diet! Ughhh!" He whines knowing his loving husband had restock the fridge making sure he would stick to his low sodium and sugar diet for the pups safety. "Blah, vegetables! I want burger and fries!" He groans, then he decided he couldn't handle being by himself.

He grabs his dimensional travel watch to put it on after he got dress in an oversize sweater on top his red and black spider-man suit and fix his hair with a colorful bandana wrap. Before he left the portal, he took his Smartphone just in case his hubby calls him. "Whee!"

On Earth 928, everyone chilling enjoying their time, some Spider-heroes went on about their mission. Some went to lunch, some would hang around catching up with their friends.

Miguel 928 being busy with his work, he looks over at the pregnant Omega, "Is there a reason you're here, Morales? Aren't you on maternity leave?" He saw the Omega's large round belly.

"Hehehe, are you worry about me, Miguel." He giggles having to sit down while slurping a milkshake, "Mmm, I've been craving for these forever!"

"Well, yes. You look like you're ready to have your pups any minute."

"Nah, I got two months left. Turns out I'm having triplets." Miles 2023 giggles, "Mmm, this is so good." The Omega being super happy to be around someone.

"Wouldn't it be better to be at home to rest."

"It's very lonely over there. Is it fine if I stay a bit here. I miss my friends." Miles' stare at his boss with teary eyes, "PLEEEAASSSEEE let me stay!"

"Alright, it's fine. Just don't do any heavy lifting or moving so much. I'm going to contact Miles 2020."

"Oh yay! I miss him!"

The door slid open revealing Pavtri with Hobie 138b, "Hey, Miguel! We're here to give you our reports!" The two locked on the short pregnant Miles, who happily sitting on a hove chair and drinking a milkshake. "Oh my brahma! Miles, you look amazing!"

"Do I? I haven't been feeling well with my body changing..." He pouted looking very upset.

Hobie went over to comfort him, "You look bloody amazing! If only I was me and my Sunflower was born in your world!" Something wash over him seeing this Omega variant of his Sunflower had flourished in him. He wanted to protect him, be there for him.

"Easy, Hobie! You got yourself a Miles." Pavtri giggles as he peeks over, "Can I touch your belly?"

"Sure. Look! They're kicking." The Omega happily lift his sweater then took both Spider-men's hands to place on his round belly, the two eyes gleam and sparkle at the small kicks. "This one likes to hit so much."

"They're? You're having more than one?" The Indian Spider-man happily said out loud with his face overjoy.

Hobie only made a small smile being giddy in the inside, this time both of his hands touching the round belly to fell those kicks. "Oh." His eyes sparkles at the multiple kicks.

Omega Miles went into his sweater pocket, "Huh uh! I'm having triplets! Lookie!" He shows them the ultrasound of his pups. "One is hiding behind this one.

The two look at the photos being super amazed. "Awe, look at this one little hand! Wow, triplets! Looks like Hobie and Miles are meant to have triplets in the Omegaverse!"

"I know! I'm waiting for Miles 2020 to ask how he does it. I wonder if he got a workaholic Alpha!" He pouted, "I'm worried about me raising them."

"Awe, I'm sure your man will be there. Why he's working so much? Pavtri asked.

"Well, since I can't be Spider-man, he had to take on both jobs. I feel terrible that I can't do nothing but sit here and-and!" His big eyes watered like an anime character then tears, "Sorry, I'm very emotional."

Hobie said, "You know, for an Hobie to do all this that means he wants the best for you. To protect you and make sure your family are well off."

"I know, it just sucks! My bae is working so hard and I feel like shit." He cries.

"Awe, it's okay. Your pregnant. You're going through it, he would want you to not worry." Pavtri explains.

The Omega pouts, "I just need my Alpha and I feel so lonely." He wants to snuggle and enjoy his nest, but without his Alpha, he needs to find comfort among his friends. "Without that I need my friends."

"Then, I'll be here to substitute." Hobie said being proud, he went to get a blanket and bottle of water for the Omega.

"Hahaha, thanks guys. But, Miguel is here to be the Alpha substitute, since he's around and help me feel secure." Miles 2023 giggles.

Hobie frowns feeling jealous, "Why him?"

"Man, your acting like your the Alpha! Relax, this is because Miguel have amazing qualities of an Alpha. Since Miles 2023 is pregnant he needs someone secure around." Pav explains.

Miles 2023 nodded, "And Miguel never learns his office."

Miguel sighs, "I had a feeling you were gonna point that out."

Miles 2020 came through the doors, "Hello. Hello! Wow, I didn't expect to find the Spider Band in here." He smiles happily at Miles 2023, "Wow, look at you! Your glowing!"

"Awe, thanks!" Miles 2023 giggles.

"I'm surprised the doctor is allowing you to move around, when I was pregnant I had to be stuck in bed till I went to labor." The older Miles said.

"Well... he did say I have to be bed resting but-But I WAS SO BORED! I ended up scrubbing the floors because they were so dirty and clean my home!" He explains out loud seeing all of their faces fell from shock.

"Are you crazy!" Miguel shouted out loud, "You can't be doing intensive labor!"

"I didn't mean too! I was bored! Then my Alpha came home yelling at me." Miles 2023 sniffles. "I just need attention or the urge to do something."

"I get it. When I was pregnant I felt useless without being Spider-man, I actually started to clean the attic and do a deep clean of my house." Miles 2020 explains, "Our Alphas are only busy because of our responsibilities of Spider-man have to be taken over. It makes sense you need your Alpha!"

"Miles!" Miles 2023 hugs the older Omega being so happy someone gets him. "Finally someone that gets me!"

"Oi, what's going on here?" Hobie 138c came by to find Miles 2020, "There you are! I was wondering if we're planning to have a meeting?"

"Oh right! I completely forgot." Miles 2020 sighs, "Hmm, Miguel is it alright if I have the meeting here?"

Hobie 138c and Hobie 138b smirks at each other, "Hey, man. What's good?" They gave a smack on their hands.

"Nuthin' much. Slowly breaking down the system." Hobie 138b shrugs.

"Hahaha, same but making it louder and bigger!" The other variant chuckles.

Miles 2020 stood, "I'm surprised you're here, Hobs. I thought you hate being on time?" He stood looking so attractive and elegant being so tall and glowing smile.

Pavtri giggles at the two Hobie's crushing hard on Miles 2020, they were flustered by his presences. "Teacher's pet." He teased.

"No!" They pretended to act cool.

Miles 2020 chuckles, "I still got it." He playfully tosses his hair back, being flirty. "My husband is the same way."

Miguel said, "Well, Morales. You have to sign these paper saying you're using this room. Sometimes Jess use this room, too."

"Okay." As he went up to sign them, then playfully flirted, "Aye, Miguel. If you wanted me to be so close to you, you could've said so, hehehe."

"Aye, careful. I know your Alpha is the jealous type. I don't want trouble." He saw two of the Hobies glaring at him, "Aye, relax! He's not even your partners."

"You know, there's a Miles' Omega with a Miguel Alpha somewhere." Omega Miles 2023 giggles, "They got twins."

"Whhhaaaa! NO WAY!" Pavtri said having to take out his notes, "I didn't know that was a thing, then again, last week I saw a Pavtri and Hobie variants dating."

"Anything is possible in the multi-verse." Omega Miles 2023 happily said. "I mean, we have Mariana and Miguel being a thing."

"That's right. I forget Marianas are Miles' female versions since all these variants are their own person."

"Right!" He nodded with agreement, "Like Hobie's female variants are way different, compare to their male versions."

Then the doors slide open revealing Punk Miguel and Mariana 1022 walking in bringing box and trays of drinks.

"Hey guys, we brought pan dulces, hot chocolate and Empanadas!" Marianna happily said. "Oh, hello, Miguel!" She saw the older Spider-man up on the platform.

"Hola, Mariana." He said.

The door slide open revealing Silk, and Ultimate Spider-man walking in. "Ohh, do I smell pastries." Peter said with joy.

"Mmhhmm," Mariana offer them some Pan Dulces as she chew her own sweet bread, "Oh, boss! You can grab some! I got us plenty!"

"I like the chocolate concha." Silk said as she told Peter which ones were her favorite.

"Ohh sweet. I'll get this one."

"Those are called Besos! Kisses." Mariana smiles at him.

"Ohh, nice. I sure do love kisses." Peter chuckles.

Then the door opening showing Deadpool talking to Miles 43 and Alpha 2010b, "No way! There's a cookbook about me!"

"Yeah, I found it in one of the universe I hop with my friends. Apparently half of the cookbook is about chimichangas?"

"I don't even like chimichangas, I like saying it because it's a funny name for food!" Deadpool laughs out loud.

"Ugh, tell me, again why you're on this mission? You're not even a Spider-man!" Alpha grunts.

"Because his boyfriend is a Spider-man." Miles 43 chews on his gummy worms having to share with Deadpool, "Why gotta hate the good vibe of this guy?"

"Yer!" Deadpool chimes in, "And I got the Gizmo to prove it!" He shows his watch off.

Alpha rolled his eyes until he sniffs the area spotting a pregnant Omega, "Why is he here?"

Miles 2023 giggles sniffing the Alpha's scent, "I'm bored! So I am joining in on the fun!"

"Hello, Alpha. Miles 2023 is having trouble staying in his nest while his Alpha is being busy with his work. I thought it would be nice to have him in the meeting-" Then loud arguments ring through the halls as the door slid opening revealing Lupe and Miguel 660 being pissed off.

Gabriel 660 and Billie 1613 follows them. "I told you that's a horrible plan! Why did you advise her to go through with it? That boy is dangerous! He's an OSBORN, dumbass!" Lupe scowling at Miguel 660.

The redhead growls at her, "It's logic! You know like every Spider-hero is to play the game and be secretive until you find a valuable clue! It makes sense for Billie to go back to him and find evidence of Norman Osborn using illegal drugs!"

"That's so stupid for you to think Billie is able to handle a mission like that! She dealt with his son before and gave her bruises! Miguel, sometimes you're the biggest idiot in the world!"

"Me? I'm the idiot? You are coddling her! She needs to practice this!"

"Lupe, I agree to this! It's okay, Miguel 660 had help me through the mission!" Billie nodded.

Gabriel 660 shook his head, "No! I don't think you're ready. It's too dangerous, right Lupe! She's gonna get hurt!"

"Gabriel, por favor! She's a sixteen year old Spider-woman! She can handle anything!"

"Peter Osborn is a psycho! He murdered one of his exs!" Lupe pointed out being frustrated.

Miles 2023 chewing on a sweet bread being glued on the latest drama. "Careful, Miguel. Piss her off and she's gonna throw you across the room." Alpha grunts.

"Ohhh!" Deadpool teased as he chews on an Empanada.

Miles 2020 looks at Miguel 928, "You gonna need to settle this, boss."

"Ugh! Why is it you two always fight each other?" Miguel grunts at his variant and at Lupe. "You two need to learn to not argue like children!"

"I will stop if you agreed with me that this mission is dangerous for Billie!" Lupe crosses her arms at him.

Gabriel nodded, "Yeah, the guy she's dating is fucking crazy! He killed one of his exs!"

"You two need to trust me! I can handle this!" Billie said.

"Miguel, Billie is old enough to go on serious missions. She needs to learn on to handle stealth and play her part as Billie Mariana Morales. Spider-woman needs that." Miguel 660 explains with red eye glasses being fixed.

Miguel 928 took a moment. "What if this was Gabriella, huh? When she's 16 and you're gonna allow her to go on a mission like this!" Lupe quickly pointed out.

"Ohh, she bloody throw his sprog's name." Hobie 138c gasps.

"But it does make sense. Gabriella is a Spider-child... she'll one day have to do missions like that." Miles 2020 pointed out. "Lupe, I understand you don't want Billie to get hurt, but this will be good for her to be on her toes."

"She needs that lesson, being Spider-woman isn't all rainbows and butterflies." Alpha pointed out, "Harsh realities sets in."

"I agree, but don't tell Miles 42. He rather do the mission himself and dress up like a chick." Miles 43 snorted.

"I get that, but I don't think she's ready. I'm her mentor!" Lupe points out and glares at Miguel 660, "and you have no right going behind my back without my approval to this big plan, Oh Mr. I'm-so-smart-even-though-I-use-my-ex-Ai!"

"Ohhhh!" The whole group said.

Miguel 660 scowls, "I am smart, thank you ver much! I see Billie already ready. What are you my mom, now? I have to tell when I get to shit or piss, too?"

Hobie 138b chuckles at the two. "Wow, they are really mad." Miles 2023 smack his lips having powder sugar on his lips. "Mmm, this sweet bread is good!"

"Look, how about we all take a moment!" Miguel 928 said, "Calm down and we'll talk more when we are all in a better mood."

They were glaring at each other still. "You know, if it makes you two better- there's a universe where ya'll are together and have kids." Miles 43 points out.

"ECK, fuck no!" Lupe and Miguel 660 said with disgust in their voice.

"Oh, what if you guys rub my belly! My pups are kicking and I have photos! I'm having triplets!" Miles 2023 pulls out his photos having to surprise everyone in there.

"NO way! Awww! Sweet! Congratulations!" They said out loud.

Lupe and Miguel 660 went by to touch Miles 2023's belly feeling those kicks. Billie gasp with joy, "Oh, that's so cute! I wanna touch the belly."

Miles 2023 giggles, "See my pups makes everything better."

"Having triplets is insane! Does every Hobie and Miles' variant have triplets?" Miles 43 asked.

"Hahaha, as far as we know." Miles 2020 chuckles, "Anyway, we should start the meeting."

Miles 2023 happily listen to his friends talking among one another about their plans for their big missions. He had his Smartphone on silent which was receiving a lot of messages from his Alpha.

Hobie 2023: Luv, have you eaten? Remember doc wants u to eat healthy and drink lots of water.

-few seconds-

Hobie 2023: Luv?

Hobie 2023: Why your not responding me?

Hobie 2023: BAE? Sunflower?

Hobie 2023:Call me, right now!

Hobie 2023: SUNFLOWER!

And it went with so many messages from a panic adult.

Hobie 2023: I'm coming home right now!"

-An hour passed, Miles 2023 hasn't checked his messages. The whole group was dealing with Lupe and Miguel 660 arguing again about Billie's current mission.-

Hobie 2023: Luv, where are you?

Miles 2023's smartphone show incoming call from his Alpha.

-4 miss called by Hubby-

Hobie 2023 sending texts in panic: Luv, WHERE R U? Pick up! r u kidnap? plz respond! MILES!

Miles 2023 happily kicking his feet as he sips his hot chocolate while watching Lupe and Miguel 660 already throwing hands. She flipped the middle age man over, "Oh yeah! Try me, bitch!"

"WHOA!" Deadpool saw Lupe being super pissed off.

"I honestly believe you two should just have angry sex at this point." Miles 43 snorted.

Alpha spits out his coffee from shock. Billie cover her mouth in shock while Gabriel shouted, "MY dad is married!"

"Well, this always happen!" Miles 43 points out.

Miguel 928 pulls Lupe away from Miguel 660, "Enough! You two will have graveyard shift and work with more missions together. Do not test me." The two Spider-heroes huffs being quiet.

"Come on, you two. It's always you guys fighting. Why do you two hate each other?"

"He's a smart ass!"

"And she doesn't shut up!"

They're glaring at each other. Silk said, "Can we just agree Billie should continue the mission? She needs it."

"THANK YOU!" Miguel 660 said out loud of the whole point of their arguments.

"I agree." Miguel 928 finally said once he heard everyone's opinion on the topic. Then he looks at Billie, "Billie, tell us, what do you want to do?"

"I want to continue the mission. I'm learning and I know I can do it." She stood confident in her words.

"Very well. Billie will continue on the mission and that's it. Miguel 660 and Lupe, you two will keep an eye on her. Miguel 660 will mentor her for this mission, Lupe."

"What!" She stares at him with shock.

"It's fair. You need to let her venture out."

"That's crazy, Miguel!"

Hobie 138c pointed out, "To be fair, she needs to think on her own. Miguel 660 is an arse so that will help her."

"Geez, thanks." Miguel 660 snorted.

"You welcome, mate." The spiked bleached hair punker grins widely while making his variant chuckles along.

Deadpool points at Miles 2023's phone seeing the messages, "Hey, your phone is going crazy?" Then he looks at the 4th wall, "Looks like we're gonna get some drama, huh readers?"

"Hm?" Miles 2023 looks at his Smartphone and gasps, "Oh."

"What's wrong?" Miles 2020 asked him.

"I put my phone on silent and my Alpha is panicking..." He gave a weak chuckle. "Heh, I sort of left without telling him where I'm at, heh."

Alpha, Miles 2020 and the Hobies eyes widen in shock. Miguel 928 quickly turns to face the small Omega, "WHAT? You didn't let him know he's here?"

"Ohhh no." Miles 43 gasps, "You know, a Hobie will go berserk without their Miles!"

"And being an Alpha without his pregnant mate- that's double trouble." Alpha groans. "Isn't your alpha a criminal?"

"He's an Anti-hero!" Miles 2023 pouts, he quickly texted his partner saying where he was. "Don't worry, I'll just text him and"- A large portal came through the middle of the room revealing a tall dark skinned male with Spiked mohawk logo dreads wearing his Hockey cracked mask showing his dark purple eye through the crack, and holds a bloody bat with nails. He stood wearing tight black tank top, and distressed jeans with chains and thick red boots with blue laces.

"Well, HEL-LO!" Miles 43 smirks at the handsome alpha, "Now, that's a sexy entrance."

"Mmmhhhmmm." Miles 2020 nodded.

The Hobies eyes at their partner's variants. "I am offended." Hobie 138c said out loud.

Miles 2023 happily said having to use his scent to calm his Alpha, "Bae!"

Hobies 2023 growls having to smell Alpha's scent, "Who are you?" Then glares over at Miguel 928 with his hand gripping his bat being ready to strike.

"Easy." Miles 2020 uses his scent. "Your omega came here on his own." Slowly went over to calm the alpha down, "Easy. Your pregnant Omega is fine."

"Yeah, bae!" Miles 2023 got off from his chair to go over to hug his mate spreading his scent all over. "I'm fine. I forgot to text you." He did his cutest pout but his Alpha let out a low growl, he's very upset. This time the alpha became cold towards him, he remove his hockey mask revealing his handsome face, with three vivid scars on his left cheek and heterchromia's eyes.

Miles 43 whistled at the handsome alpha, "Wow, he is FI-uhh-ne!" Miles 2020 quietly cover his mouth with an agreeing nod.

"We need to talk." He said in a serious tone, taking his Omega's hand out of the room. Every Spider-heroes quickly went by the door to find the two in the hallway talking.

"What the hell!" The dark skinned alpha scowls angrily at his mate, "You just left without telling me anything! What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry!" Miles 2023 frowns with watery eyes, "I didn't mean to!"

Miguel 928 hisses at the nosy group, "Aye, leave them alone!"

"Shhh, this is the good part." Deadpool shoves gummy bears into his mouth sharing the bag with Miles 43 and Silk.

"Mmmhhhmm, finally some drama." Silk mutters.

Miles 2020 looks at Alpha, "Should we step in?"

"No, this alpha is very dangerous. When he saw me and Miguel already assuming us as alphas, there's no reasoning with him when he glared at us."

"You're right. Luckily, I stepped in, huh?" Miles 2020 chuckles at the two.

"And you're a Miles, you know." Lupe added. "Hobies don't attack Miles."

The two Hobies nodded at this.

Back at the couple, Miles 2023 said, "I was bored and alone! I want to go out, have fun, see my friends!"

"I get that, but you are seven months pregnant with triplets!" Hobie 2023 points out being frustrated, "I text you and text you! No response, I'm thinking the worse! You just left!"

"I'm sorry! You know, I'm forgetful!"

"No, you can't use that on me! I expected you to be an Omega and take care of yourself while dealing with this pregnancy! I'm working my arse for our future- for our pups!" He sounded hurt, "and for you to bloody leave me and not say a word."

"I'm sorry, Hobie! I'm- you don't know how lonely it gets and the constant worries I've been through when I'm not out there being Spider-man! I know, I need to take care of myself, but my fear is you getting hurt!" His omega said to him. "I get so scared and nervous, then start to panic!" He sniffles at his husband, then grab his hands to kiss them, "I know I messed up for not telling you."

His alpha hugs him letting out with a big sigh, "I'm not mad at you, I'm frustrated. I will get over it, but we will continue this when we get home and find ways for you to rest and do something that isn't too much." HIs Omega snuggles him.

"Awe! That's so cute." Miles 43 gawks.

Deadpool nodded having small sniffles. "Are you crying?" Miguel 660 asked.

"No..."

Lupe slaps Miguel 660's shoulder. "Ow! Pinche pendeja! Why did you hit me?"

"Because you need to leave him alone!"

Meanwhile, Miles 1610 and Mimi 1015 walking together holding their bags of lunch, "Yeah, I like to dye my wigs in layers." Mimi 1015 had a wig on with pink to the roots then blond and black tips, her makeup bright and gems glue on.

"Oh, see. I use fabric dye on some wigs, and so far it works for me." Miles 1610 explained. "But I'ma try your way and get better wigs too."

She nodded, "A good wig always makes it easier." She took out her smartphone showing off her two inch long acrylic nails with gems and sparkles in bright pink. "Now, where's our boys!"

"Hobie, did say they were in a meeting at tío's office!" He said.

The two spotted a couple of their Omega variant hugging his alpha. Mimi's eyes gleams at Hobie 2023, "Well, HEL-LO, handsome!" She happily went up to the Hobie variant, "I haven't seen this fine tall drink of water." She playfully flirted.

"Huh!" Miles 2023 gasps at Mimi 1015 and Miles 1610. "Oh, you guys are here!"

"Wow, Miles! You're really showing!" Miles 1610 tries to focus on the pregnant Omega than the fine ass alpha Hobie Brown. Why are all the damn Hobies be so attractive, especially the Alpha ones? His honey-brown eyes landed at the alpha, "Is this your husband?"

"Yes! This my Hobie!" He nodded. "You guys wanna touch my belly, I'm having triplets!" He let the two touch his belly to feel the kicks.

The two variants' eyes widen and smiles brightly. "Awwweee, that's so cute." Mimi 1015 said out loud.

"Huh uh, wow! So triplets are a thing?" Miles 1610 tries not to look at the alpha so much, he gave a small smile at the pregnant Omega, "Congratulations! Heh, I know you two are happy with pups."

"Yeah, we are." The Omega hugs his mate's arm.

Mimi 1015 playfully grins at Hobie 2023, "You haven't say much, huh handsome?"

The Alpha merely looks away at the two variants of his mate. Damn, these Miles are so adorable just like his Omega. He rub his neck, "I'm only being respectful to my mate."

"Awe, bae. it's okay. All of us joke around and flirt." Miles 2023 giggles, "You should've seen the Hobies being protective with me."

"Yeah, HOBIE!" Mimi giggles having to hug the Alpha's other arm being flirty, "I don't bite, unless you want me to!"

"Mimi, leave him alone. He wants to be with his Omega!" Miles 1610 went over to his variant making her stop teasing, "I'm sorry. Sometimes she flirt too much! You got a boyfriend."

Mimi giggles being playfully seeing how worried Miles 1610 was. "Don't worry! They're not here!" She shoves Miles into the alpha's chest making him hug, "Feel those pecks! He's one sexy beast!"

The Hobies came out of the room being super jealous. The small Omega noticed and giggles, "Well... I don't think they'll like that!"

Mimi hugs the alpha wanting to feel those muscles. "Hehe, don't worry! I'm only-WHOA!" She gasps at her boyfriend picking her up.

Miles 1610 being carried by his punker, "Hobie!" His punker coddling him like he was the only jewel. "Wait! It was an accident-" His punker hushes him.

"Oi, bloke! This is our partners!" Hobie 138c said to Hobie 2023.

"Yeah! You have your own!" Hobie 138b huffs.

Omega Miles 2023 giggles as his mate tries to explain the two jealous punkers. "Hey, I didn't expect them to touch me!"

From afar Miles 2020 sighs, "Meeting over. Looks like we had enough drama for today!"

"Hehehe," Mariana laughs, "But you gotta admit Hobie 2023 is super cute." Miles 43 and Billie agreed.

[autumnhobbit]

yeah my mom thinks I'm exaggerating when I say that it's a medically-sanctioned eating disorder. She calls me dramatic. But like I've done the research, I know the truth. Not sure why that's the hill she's chosen to die on but yeah. Esp since my grandmother, when she was alive, did the whole no-sodium, probably disordered eating thing pretty much her whole life. She was in the nursing home and my mom had to insist that the nurses and doctors not tell her her weight because even though my grandma was in her 90s, she'd complain if she was "too heavy" and I think sometimes she'd refuse to ear because she was "getting fat." Like, my grandma, my mom's own mother, till her death, struggled with body image and weight. My mom thought it was ridiculous. Yet she thinks I'm ridiculous for not wanting to follow a medically-sanctioned eating disorder. I don't understand it.

I’d say it’s probably internalized fat phobia. I know for myself the reason I post about this stuff so much is because sometimes I genuinely feel guilty for not being on one of these diets because like, I know it’s on some level my fault I’m fat. And obviously I don’t /enjoy/ being fat/unhealthy. Although to be frank I really don’t feel bad or have excessive problems especially when I hear other people talk about their health. But as someone who does have an eating disorder diets are likely not a great idea for me unless I had a health problem serious enough to warrant it. And as it is, as much as we all want there to be an easy solution—do this and instantly you’ll be healthy and all your problems will be solved—that’s not how health works. Most worthwhile things are not simple or instant fixes. We’ve become so obsessed with weight that we no longer care about health or correlate the two. And everyone is so different that eating is a very personal scenario that needs to be determined by 1. the person eating, and 2. a doctor. And an actually /good/ doctor who’s going to care what’s actually good for your long-term health and willing to think outside the box.

[jeanjauthor]

...My household is awkward, regarding sodium. My sister has a low sodium diet for her heart issues. My mother gets charlie horse cramps from eating low sodium meals. And I get double the cramping issues due to ciprofloxacin destroying my body's ability to retain magnesium, sometimes calcium, a little bit of potassium, and very very much sodium.

I supplement with magnesium citrate for the first one (if you get the right formulation, it uptakes so perfectly, it also manages my neuropathy issues, yay!), eat a fair bit of dairy for the second, just eat more leafy greens & brassicas for the third...and I have literal salt in a shaker at my headboard in case I get a debilitating cramp in the night, a salt shaker at my desk for the same reason, and I carry those little paper packets of salt in case i get a cramp just walking around like a normal human being. (Or at least politely pretending to be one, *shhh*)

When I had my last surgery, I had to fast for a full 12+ hours before hand, so I warned the staff that they'd want to start an i.v. on me with saline right away, because otherwise I'd end up cramping so bad, I couldn't walk. Thankfully they were going to give me some anyway, so I had no issues leaving.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for what happened when I first went to the E.R. with a too-rapid heartbeat, a couple months before the surgery. They didn't give me any water and didn't give me anything salty, no i.v. fluids...and my legs cramped up so bad when it was time for me to leave, the nurse wanted to know if I needed a wheelchair. I just told her I needed salt and water. She couldn't get me the salt, but she did get me the water, and I got myself a salt packet out of my wallet to consume with said water.

It took about five, ten minutes to fix my issues, then I could walk. (And yes, I made sure I had my magnesium & a multivitamin with the other two electrolytes when I got home, plus NUUN, an electrolyte drink that uses stevia for a sweetener instead of sugar.)

When you are electrolyte deficient, it's important to replenish...but did you know what sodium does, as an electrolyte?

Sodium literally opens and closes the pores in your cell walls. Your cells cannot get water or nutrition without sodium. It is the gatekeepr for cells to function, opening & closing the door for anything being delivered or expelled.

You don't need super much, but it is literally vital for life as we know it to exist.

So when OP & the other commenters talk about feeling like they're "coming back to life"...

They are telling the absolute truth.

We had a patient last night who was a textbook case of electrolytes imbalance as a result of nausea and vomiting. And I didn’t say this to the patient because I didn’t think they’d appreciate it, but it’s kinda great when the way you are so so sick is like exactly like the textbooks say it’ll be. Like not good that you’re having sudden new onset muscle weakness and tingling, but buddy this is gonna get sorted out with an efficiency you won’t believe. We fixed like 85% of the stuff wrong with this patient by midnight and we marveled the whole time about how this patient was seemingly concocted in a lab so I could walk my trainee through a highly manageable crisis

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 2019 Stupid cock with a loud car still can’t go a day without visiting mommy and daddy but I’d say it’s definitely not living here. It just left for the night (at 6). So now it doesn’t have to make its own dinner.

Chatted with Aly earlier. She’s on the edge of the polar vortex I’m so glad we’re nowhere near. Wow, -40 degrees in Wisconsin? OMG!

Still having some itching and especially burning down there and I’m not sure why. On a list of no-nos for those with lichen sclerosis are hot chocolate and cocoa. Well, that’s what my Sugar Babies K-cups are so perhaps that’s part of why I was on fire earlier. Damn, I’m so fucking sick of my crotch torturing the shit out of me so much of the time! It’s better than yesterday, though, and I didn’t have any Sugar Babies today.

So I guess Ray realized he accidentally gave my message a thumbs up and decided to give it a thumbs down today which I replied to with a 😂. I expected to be blocked at that point but I wasn’t. Doesn’t the grumpy old fart know he can do that?

Really hoping we don’t need a new car anytime soon but the car’s ‘check engine’ light keeps coming on, suggesting something could be wrong with the transmission. As Tom said, transmissions aren’t worth fixing on older cars but if worse comes to worst, we grab a used car for three or four grand to tide us over for the rest of the time we’re in the state.

Right now my schedule is really pissing me off. I totally believe that it was not only cursed upon me not only to stop me from making money but also to make my life harder. Looks like I’m going to have to reschedule my dentist appointment though I should hit Dr. A with no problem. The question is whether or not I should in the first place. I’m thinking I might message her a week beforehand if I’m still stable and ask if I can bump her appointment up to June which is when I would have normally seen her and when my next round of blood work is due anyway. But then maybe I should go and show her my groin rash because it keeps trying to flare up as fast as I treat it, so as much as I fear medication, I’m wondering if that’s the only way to get rid of it for good. I would still worry that it’s just going to keep reoccurring so IDK.

I don’t regret the guinea pigs much at this point but I definitely regret the rats because they’re just so fucking timid. Just so, so timid. I knew better too, so why the fuck did I go and get them?

Tom was saying that in order to help him cut back on eating he’s sort of playing a game where he has only so many days to ration out only so much food. I told him he oughta pretend he’s on probation and part of its terms stipulates that he must do 10-20 minutes of programming a day or else his ass gets hauled to jail. I’m serious too, LOL. While I’ll never be on probation again, think of all the things we’d get done if we had no choice but to do it or run!

I’ve totally lost all control of my own weight. I try to take it as easy as possible on the food, and I could walk and walk all day, but the weight is definitely mine for life.

The problem is everything is bad for me because it’s either high in cholesterol, high in sodium or not good for LS.

I was so tempted to message a friend of the black bitch’s in Arizona from the Nicole account, pointing out all the ways she and her friends messed up when pretending to be from the police department, but she would only block that account, preventing me from tipping her off when it’s time to read my story, assuming she’s even alive then. She’s only four years younger than me.

Also, I absolutely cannot go to jail should they set me up. Not only for obvious reasons but I didn’t have the health issues in my 30s that I have now. Now I need daily thyroid medication which they would conveniently happen to take weeks or even months to give me, and I doubt they would give me anything for my LS or the glasses I need just to see where I’m going.

Went out walking earlier. A large woman with an old chihuahua stopped and chatted for a few seconds on Tandy and so did a very frail woman further down the street, telling me to hurry up and get my walk in since it’s going to rain tomorrow. Yes, it is! Looks like we have a rainy few days coming up, something I have mixed emotions about. The roof could leak, the place will smell of old wood since I think the attic has water damage, and the humidity will make my lungs tight because they’re not used to humid conditions. But I do like the rain otherwise and we certainly need it.

Had a weird dream that made no sense at all. I started off in a large room where a few full-size beds were laid out side by side. I was supposed to spend the night in the bed on one end by the door leading to the rest of the house or whatever it was. I was to sleep with this young woman. Nothing intimate or anything like that, it’s just where I was to sleep that night.

The girl was in her early to mid-20s and was petite with straight long dark blond hair and light eyes. As the few others that were in the room mingled about, we laid on our backs chatting with a small dog she had between us, and I smiled and said, “This is nice.”

She squeezed my hand with affection and then the girl was suddenly searching for running apparel on her laptop. I asked why she was looking at running apparel since she wasn’t into running and the girl said, “No, but you are. I want to get you something as a token of thanks.”

I told her she didn’t have to do that and showed her how solid my calves were. She poked and prodded them with her fingertips, inspecting the muscle.

Then the girl got up and packed some stuff into a bag because she was going out somewhere. As she was doing this, I said something about her cutting off the bed space and not leaving me much room the last time we slept together, so what should I do if she didn’t leave me much space that night?

“You do nothing about it because it was my space to begin with,” she told me.

Then she took off and I studied the room and decided it was ordinary-looking but stylish. I thought to myself that I might hang some things on certain sections where the walls were bare.

Then the bed turned into a car which I backed out of the spot the bed had been in and drove to the other end of the long room. So about 25 feet. Then I was worried that maybe I shouldn’t have moved the car and that the girl wouldn’t like the spot I moved it to, so I racked my brain trying to come up with a good excuse for moving there in the first place.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 2019 Why are my numbers so bad lately? Been watching my sodium yet now my diastolic number is on the rise. It was a little over 80 but now it’s often between 90 and 100. My weight is up a couple of pounds too, and I can’t seem to get it back down. Oh well.

The car is now done and Tom even found another problem along the way where there was a pinched hose that was preventing antifreeze from going where it was supposed to. I’m just glad he was able to do it himself as I knew he would be! Saves us hundreds of dollars.

Speaking of something that costs hundreds but may be very worth it once we get ahead again, I was thinking of getting laser hair removal. As a woman ages, she gets hairs on her upper lip and plucking and waxing hurts, and of course you don’t want to shave them and get coarse stubble either. Nair thins the hairs but doesn’t remove them completely. The question is whether or not to buy my own laser treatment device or leave it to the pros. The pros would cost much more, of course, and it would take a minimum of four sessions, but at least I know it would be done right. Would love to have my underarms and legs done as well but that would really add up in cost so I’ll just focus on the ladystache.

Our little project junkies got new carpet today. This was an indoor project so I didn’t have to worry about hammering or power tools but there would have been a lot of door slamming as they were going in and out of their vehicle to get stuff. Fortunately, I slept through it.

So much for thinking that the rats and pigs wouldn’t hang together if I kept the rats out of the guinea pigs’ tube which I usually only give them when I’m sleeping. The rats were pissing it up on the very top level, so I washed it out and gave it back to the pigs, but sure enough, the rats quickly joined them. While it’s nice that they can get along, I had to separate the rats again because they were stealing too much food being the hoarders that they are. So they can’t live together. But it’s nice to know they can hang out together during cage cleanings.

Couldn’t find anything new to watch on Netflix other than the usual reality TV, documentaries and foreign shit with accents I’d rather not deal with and strange words with different meanings. What the hell is a “bonny” evening?

So I jumped back on Hulu since our 30 days aren’t up yet and watched a movie called Kidnap and it was very good. Not very realistic in some ways but good. Even though Hulu’s player sucks, if you watch something straight through, it’s okay. I would still like to find a mystery or drama series I haven’t seen that’s not a reality show or documentary of any kind WITHOUT any reference to God or racism. I’ve had enough of the religious and political crap.

Anyway, I’m pretty tired today because I slept shitty. Woke up warm a couple of times and then the fire truck that Tom told me went down to the end of the street woke me up when my earbud slipped out. Oh, how I miss the days of only needing to sleep with a box fan! But even if we were back in Phoenix with the acoustic sound-blocking shit we had in the master bedroom windows, it wouldn’t do me much good because box fans are so much quieter these days. Everything inside the home gets quieter while everything outside gets louder. So even if I wasn’t right on a busy street, they wouldn’t be enough. The best I can hope for in the next place is just needing Alexa to play white noise and being able to do away with the earbuds altogether. The only time I can skip out on them here is when I’m sleeping at night.

Really itchy down there today for some reason and I don’t know why. Something I ate?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2019 Day 1 of replacing the water pump is going well. Apparently, it’s buried so deep that he had to remove a lot of other parts in order to get to it. He said he would have been worried to find that it wasn’t broken after all but once he inspected it he could see that it’s clearly messed up.

I remember thinking how frustrated I would be if the doctors told me when I first went to one 5 years ago that everything was okay when I suspected I had either a dead thyroid or diabetes because then I would continue to wonder about my symptoms. How I would come to wish to hell that that’s exactly what they told me!

Anyway, he worked on and off for 4 hours and it should take him 2-3 hours to finish the project tomorrow.

Went out walking for the second day in a row but went by myself today. I saw Bob and Virginia sitting out front on what turned out to be a shorter walk than I planned on because it was sunnier than expected and I was a little warm in my long sleeves. So I doubled back and only Bob was there at the time. We chatted for a minute and then I saw him again when I went to pick up the mail. He was tweaking Virginia’s walker as they were preparing to go out for a quick walk. She can get around the house without it but just uses it for support when she’s out, Bob said.

I wrapped saran wrap around the upper level of the cage to help curb some of the bedding the pigs kick out when they get all playful and run around chasing each other like they love to do while chatting happily, but now that the rats can go up there, I’m a little worried that they’ll destroy the mesh once we get around to putting that on because they’re more destructive than guinea pigs.

The rats are strange. Not only are they horribly timid but they’re little kleptos who keep running up and down to steal food from the pigs when they have plenty of their own. The pigs can’t get down to the lower level and they have no interest in doing so anyway. They’re big and clumsy so going down the ramp at the angle it’s at would be extremely hard for them. But the rats, being the clever little bastards that they are, take food where the pigs can’t reach it.

What’s even stranger is that the pigs aren’t drinking water. They ignore their water bottle and they also ignore the bowl of water I placed in their cage in case they’d rather lap it up that way. I know they get plenty from all the lettuce they eat and they seem to be very healthy, but it’s still weird.

I couldn’t get into The Ted Bundy Files so I watched a crime documentary called Abducted in Plain Sight and OMG! The girl’s parents, who also got it on with the perp, weren’t just gullible and naive. They were downright stupid! They should be in jail for neglect, and damn the twisted system for not dealing with the perp decades sooner than they did.

“Nicole” gave Marie a piece of my mind as to how she wishes her luck but can’t deal with her rollercoaster moods, played with Stacey S for a bit, and told one of Maliheh’s friends that she owes Jodi an apology. LOL. I know. I’m bad. ;-( Asked Stacey if she’d gotten over her “crush” on Jodi.

No loud car today that I know of. Coincidence? I guess that remains to be seen.

I had a brief dream about Kathleen that I vaguely remember. She kept calling me Princess. Speaking of her, if she doesn’t call by April or May, and I certainly don’t expect her to… Why? Why do some people seem to really want to be your friend, ask for your number and then never call? I can see 20-somethings doing this, but a 65-year-old? Just wondering what’s in it for her and what she felt she got out of doing such a thing. Kathleen seems like the last person to do such a thing but then so did Stacey, even though she and I were in a totally different situation.

In another dream, I was with my mother in the first Longmeadow house we had. My mother’s whole demeanor seemed different. Instead of being the tense bossy bitch she would be, she seemed very mellow and relaxed.

There was a huge storm and after we were sitting upstairs in her room chatting for a while, I went downstairs to find that only the kitchen had flooded. There was about 4 feet of water but only in that room.

I ran back upstairs and told Mom that the storm was getting worse and she asked if I thought she should call to be evacuated by emergency workers. I told her to go ahead while I looked out the window at the other half a dozen houses on the dead-end street. All of them were pitch-dark except for one on the end. There were lights on in that house and I saw one window go dark.

The dream ended with me telling my mother that someone was home in that house.

MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2019 I absolutely love my new garden fairy! She sure is heavy, too. When I was browsing similar items and looking at reviews where some people share photos of their purchases, there was a different fairy someone had painted. I thought wow, what a cool and fun idea! So I picked out a set of paints and brushes that will total $11. I’ll get it when I accumulate enough Bing points. Love this points game! I’m sure they’ll do away with it or make it much harder to get points now that I’m hooked on it. All good things come to an end. :-( For now, I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.

Carolyn did respond to my message and says she doesn’t think the car guy ever moved. Oh, I think he did for a while. When he’s here he comes and goes multiple times a day. He’s an obvious slacker with enabling parents. He always seems to be perfectly single too, and I bet I can guess why. Plus, there would be no car there in the middle of the night during the times I wasn’t hearing from him much.

Looked back in my journal. I thought he became a problem in January of 2016 but it was actually 2017. He moved out in November of that year and only recently returned as far as I can tell. Decided I’m not going to bother to pursue the matter, though, because that’s just how the world is no matter where you go these days. Adult communities have become very mainstream-ish that I’m surprised they even still exist. I may hate to hear it when he goes by but this is pretty much all I know and is what I’m used to. I honestly can’t imagine a quiet place! Besides, even if they did something about it, there would just be something else.

Written the following morning…

I ran over to the other side of the circle before midnight and was surprised to find the car wasn’t there. I was up past 1:00 so I would have heard it if it came in. Once again, I don’t know what to think. Haven’t heard it since I got up but I didn’t get up until 10:30. I’m sure I’ll hear it at some point. They’re obviously having insecurity issues and clinging to their parents who don’t seem to be in a hurry to wean the little bastard off.

I thanked Carolyn for getting back to me after I asked her how long after their complaint before the car disappeared and that’s when she told me she didn’t think he ever left. I’m home more than they are and up in the middle of the night half the time so I still think he did leave around the time we both complained.

I also said it was too bad this park wasn’t big on enforcing its own rules. She said she agreed… different rules for different people.

I wonder if she’s referring to how they got complained on for overgrown corner bushes while we didn’t when ours were a bit neglected. Just something I sense but can’t say for sure, not that it matters. But our place looks shitty most of the time because there are so many plants and so little time for Tom to tend to them that I’ve suspected she may not so much as resent us for it but maybe be a little annoyed. I think their biggest reasons for pulling back where I’m concerned is partly due to Ray’s mouth but mostly due to the fact that we’re very different. They’re conservatives with a different set of values and beliefs.

I finished Law & Order SVU on Hulu and am now done with them and their god-awful player. Saw a movie on Netflix last night called Deadly Switch and next, I’m going to check out The Ted Bundy Files. At least that shouldn’t be chock-full of references to race and racism. I still firmly believe that while some people are truly a victim of racism, the vast majority of complaints are either exaggerated or made up in a day and age when people know that playing the race card usually works and gets them what they want. I also think that sometimes it’s just pure paranoia because they have been shit on in the past that they sometimes think they’re being discriminated against when they’re not.

The worst thing going on right now is that Tom has to take the next two days off to fix the car. We’re falling so far into debt that he decided to spend $100 to fix it himself rather than take it in and spend $500. The thing is that you’re not supposed to work on vehicles here so we could end up getting complained about, though I’d say it’s unlikely. He’s done car work before and no one’s ever said anything. This is when it’s a good thing we’re in a park that doesn’t care what people do. There are pros and cons to being in a lenient park just like in a strict one.

Anyway, Tom is going to be replacing the water pump on the car. It’s now leaking so bad that none of the different stop-leak products he’s tried is helping and he doesn’t think it’s going to make it until next weekend. Hopefully, he’ll make it home okay! He’s got AAA if worse comes to worst. I hope not, though! We owe so much fucking money now that our tax return is going solely to bills. We may never get to vacation again while we’re here, but since we should be out of here in less than a decade, that’s okay since we’re going to end up in the kind of climate we would vacation in, anyway.

I also created a bogus Facebook account under a name I drew from a random name generator. I’ve already backed up my Revenge story there privately so all one of us has to do, depending on who goes when, is make them public and then tip off a few people.

My main reason for creating the account, though, is to see what my account looks like to those who are logged in and not on my friend list. They took away the ��view as’ option because they found security issues with it. Tried logging out and saw virtually nothing. Says I have over 18K pictures now stored on there. That’s a lot!

“Anyone ever call you rude?” someone asked me on Ask right after I answered a question pertaining to race that I knew Aly would disagree with. I automatically thought it was from her but then Cam started answering questions and I could see that he got asked the same thing. Still could be her, though, trying to throw me off her scent.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 2019 Sent my complaint anonymously to the office about the fucking punk that has been roaring in and out several times just in the three hours I’ve been up. They’ve got one week to get him out of here. When that fails to happen I will take things a step further. I asked the Twenties how long it took between their complaint and when he actually left but I have a feeling they’re going to ignore me again.

How fucking stupid can these people be, though? Why would they think they wouldn’t get kicked out again? Do they even care or do they actually like to make trouble for themselves? They’re just like the freeloaders in Arizona were, thinking that after they behave a while they’ll be able to get away with shit the second time around because people will either suddenly not mind or they’ll throw their hands up and say “fuck it.”

I’m tired of having to fight for peace every single fucking place I go!

The mesh for the cage arrived and it’s a really beautiful shade of pale pink. We’re going to look into what type of epoxy would be safe for the animals so we can secure the side guards to the pan. Still don’t know why they didn’t make the thing with sides to begin with. The problem is that they’re able to push bedding, hay and whatnot underneath the tiny gap between the pan and side guards which makes a mess. Wrapping the mesh around the base of their level will only prevent what they kick up when they run around from getting flung out.

The rats are proving to be horribly timid but I knew they would be.

My very heavy fairy came today, a day early, and she’s beautiful! Keeping her indoors while at this place.

The other night I dreamed I was at the beach I spent my summers at as a kid or at least a similar one. I was out walking around at night and marveling at how peaceful and quiet it was. The only thing I heard through an open window as I walked between cottages was the sound of a toilet flushing.

Last night’s dream was a little scary, though. I was watching a news report about a strange storm that actually sucked sea levels down about 50 ft. I was watching a clip of about 20 people who were stranded on a giant round rock way out at sea. I guess sea levels dropped in just a few minutes because they had originally been at the tip of it which was all that protruded from the water when the water level went down. Due to the shape of the rock, they couldn’t climb down to their boats. The scary part was watching someone lose their footing and go tumbling down the rock and then spiral into the water below. It seemed so real and vividly clear! Definitely the kind of dream that makes me wonder about other dimensions.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 2019 Got our new 9-week-old male cinnamon hooded rats which I’ve named Fuzzy and Woody. I also chose their names from a random pet name generator, but they may earn themselves nicknames like Blitz earned the nickname Funny Face after I get to know them a while.

When we went into the store we were greeted by a very helpful young woman. The place stunk and my lungs were a little tight for a while, but I like this small chain better than PetSmart and Petco. They had female Berkshires, hoodies and also a hairless rat which is an absolute no-no. I hate hairless animals. I contemplated a Berkshire and a hooded but then she showed me the males. They consisted of cinnamon hoodies and white rats. At first, I was going to get a hooded and a white rat but while I put my hand in the cage and no one bit me even though they could have, the snowy rats were really timid. So we ended up with two cinnamon hoodies which are hard to tell apart, depending on the angle and lighting. I’m sure they’ll get easier to tell apart as they get bigger. When they’re side by side in good lighting it’s obvious that one is lighter than the other. That’s Fuzzy. Woody is the darker one.

The girl said they were from an accidental litter and very timid. They do indeed seem timid but I’ve come to learn and accept a long time ago that I’m just meant to have timid rats. Ever since Tinkerbell, that’s just the way it’s been with only a couple of exceptions. I’m sure they’ll get better with time and age but I don’t expect them to end up being some of the best rats we’ve ever had.

They’re adorably cute and it’s nice to have intelligent animals again. I hate the time, money, mess and smell but it’s worth it. The guinea pigs, rats and fish are all on different schedules. Nocturnal, “dayturnal” and “noturnal,” LOL.

We grabbed them some food, and on Amazon, we ordered a couple of large glass canisters for their food as well as some pale pink mesh that I plan to wrap around the base of the upper level where the pigs are to help cut down some of the mess they kick out.

We eventually plan to introduce the rats to the pigs to each other but want to give them a little time to get adjusted first.

It’s nice to know when they were born; November 27th. The big chains usually don’t have that info.

Said hello to both Geri and Bob on Friday as I was going to pick up the mail.

Still can’t say for sure whether or not the loud car guy lives here but I think so. He’s definitely got to go too, because I’m so fucking sick of hearing that thing. Like I don’t have enough loud vehicles to listen to as it is.

The Twenties haven’t responded to my message so I don’t know if it’s because they have something against me or they’re pissed at me for telling Ray off but I don’t care. I’m glad I reminded myself that I don’t hold back if I have something to say and that I said what I said to him. What was strange was that first he gave it a thumbs-up, then a thumbs-down, and then a thumbs-up again. I’m guessing that was by accident? It’s easy to do. Kind of surprised he didn’t block me.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to tell when those who aren’t on my friend list or following me see one of my public stories, after all. One story said, “3 Facebook Followers” and I’m assuming that means those who are following me but not on my friend list. Then again, Christiane is a follower who’s not on my list yet her name appeared so I don’t know if the 3 followers weren’t really followers or not. I’m not sure if you can follow someone on Facebook secretly or not. My guess is no.

Interestingly enough, a Dixie T showed up in the “people you may know” section and I immediately thought of the Dixie I recently met. If it’s her, she only has one friend who, coincidentally, lives in Loomis. The account appears to be new. She doesn’t even have a profile picture. Sent them a message, so we’ll see.

I forgot to mention that she said she doesn’t like it here either and agrees it’s noisy and she said she didn’t know she would have to have water delivered. I guess she doesn’t like the taste of the tap water either. We just get bottled water.

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day because my heart was surprisingly racy. It raced on and off for most of the day, spiking between 110-115. It was very uncomfortable and even a little scary. I can see where the anxious feeling in my chest may not be connected to the medication, but I sure wonder about the racing heart. We know for a fact that it has affected my heart before for sure so I’m skipping my meds all weekend, placebo effect or not. Again, if it works, I’m going to do what helps whether it’s just a placebo or not. I’ve definitely been better today either way.

Tom told me about some ideas he has for his game but still doesn’t know when it’s going to be available in the App Store. He’s basically going to start with a simple matching game and each one will have a different theme.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 2019 Part of me wishes I’d never told Aly I found her other Twitter account. This way I could always know what she was really thinking about me. I shouldn’t care as I have to be me, but I’m curious just the same. I’m sure I’ve said a million things by now that offend her that she doesn’t have the heart to tell me directly.

Although it will be a lot later when I finish this entry, right now it’s not even 10 and traffic has been annoying as hell. No loud car yet today, though, and boy do I have an interesting update where that’s concerned!

Yesterday I went out to dump some trash and saw Jon and Carolyn doing what they do best… Working in their yard. They were quiet about it, though, and their yard looks lovely compared to ours. Almost everyone’s does, LOL.

As usual, I did most of my talking with Jon. Carolyn isn’t as chatty as he is. At least not with me, anyway. That’s cool because I like Jon better. He has a good sense of humor. Those without at least some humor are boring. First I was telling him about losing the rats and getting guinea pigs and how we’re thinking of getting a couple of new rats. Then I asked if he noticed the increase in commercial planes over the last few months and he said not really but what’s pissing him off is the loud car (he pointed towards the back of the circle), saying he’s underaged and all that. That’s when I was like OMG, so I’m not alone on that one? I’m not the only one who’s incredibly annoyed by that insanely loud car, underaged or not?

He said he once complained a couple of years ago and every time he hears him roaring out at 6:30 in the morning as he did for several mornings, he thinks of filing another formal complaint.

I told him I complained anonymously online a couple of years ago and he disappeared shortly afterward leaving me to think it was either an interesting coincidence or they actually took my complaint seriously. He said they won’t do anything about whatever you complain about if you call or email them and that you have to fill out an official form and have it witnessed and all that. Then maybe it was him that got the cock booted and not me. Either way, I was relieved when the scumbag finally left, although it would be nice if he stopped coming in every single fucking day whether he’s living here or not.

Jon said something about a new legislature that was passed that will cause anyone who gets complained on to be fined or something like that. He’s sure he’s living here again and I thought that a couple of times as well but now I’m not so sure. Yesterday morning I never heard him. I only heard and saw him when I was talking to Dixie, which I’ll get to in a little bit, at around 3. Then the bastard left a couple of hours later. Haven’t heard him yet today, but since I suspect he’s working again, I’m sure he’ll show up later on.

After filling Tom in on our discussion I told Jon and Carolyn on Facebook that I was ready to complain along with them and we could witness each other’s complaints. But this morning I told them that as annoyed as I am with the damn thing coming in every day, I’m not so sure they’re living here. If they were, it was only for a very brief time. Haven’t heard back from them yet.

He said the woman that lives there is Melody and she has a bad attitude, but her husband Al pretty much goes along with her shit and all that. The son is either a loser who’s a slacker and mooching off of them and the parents are enablers or that is one seriously devoted son. Somehow I doubt it’s the latter. Those are the kinds of parents that would either encourage or at least put up with their kids having such loud vehicles, which is all about forcing attention and acknowledgment on others. I don’t need a BA in psychology to get that it’s all about bad attention being better than no attention as far as they’re concerned. I don’t know if this cock is narcissistic or feels neglected and that’s why he’s an asshole but he doesn’t seem to be neglected by his parents so I’m guessing he’s just a conceited little punk that thinks everyone owes him and that doesn’t give a shit about others. He has absolutely no respect and consideration for others and I’m not surprised that he has appeared to be perfectly single since he first became a problem 3 years ago. Some people actually like to annoy others.

He also said something about how the house briefly going up for sale twice and being pulled off the market was some kind of ruse to make money. Not sure how that would make money but I thought they pulled it off because they were greedy and couldn’t get what they wanted.

Whatever the case is, it’s sad that this park doesn’t give a shit and won’t reinforce its rules. They’re letting their fucking mutt come and go through a doggie door, which isn’t allowed here, and I wish someone would confiscate it and turn it over to Animal Control. I haven’t seen it in ages and it’s not like it barks outside our place so that’s not my main problem with them. My problem is they’ve had underaged people living with them two or three times and one of them is intruding upon my peace. If they want to live like they’re in the mainstream, then why did they come here?

Really wonder how many complaints it would take before they got kicked out. Couldn’t help thinking of Tammy’s park. If what she told me is true and not exaggerated in any way, then they wouldn’t stand a chance there and would have been booted a long time ago.

I told him that although I haven’t heard it recently, the other thing that pisses me off is the motorcycle that sometimes comes tearing in and out in the middle of the night that I thought was on the dead-end behind us, but he says he thinks it’s coming from the house that the contractor lived in which is next to the loud car house, as I call it.

Now here’s what he told me that I don’t like and that totally fucking figures. I told Tom this would happen, too. They’re getting quotes for putting up a garage, so that’s something I’ll have to listen to for the two or three days it takes to install a single-car garage. I hope to hell it doesn’t wake me up if I’m on nights when they do it!

I learned why they’re such project junkies and that’s that they’re trying to up the value of their home. I thought they were going to be here forever, but as Jon said, that won’t be the case unless he gets hit by another truck and doesn’t make it, haha. Let’s hope not!

Tom and I never saw the point in spending money just to get the money back so that’s why we’re not going to worry about upping the value of this place since it all evens out in the end either way.

They’re a little too project-happy but otherwise really nice people and I hope that the fact that I just sent Ray a piece of my mind won’t offend them. I left a message on my wall saying that I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone who may be friends with anyone I don’t especially care for (without naming names) but needed to get some things off my chest. I was going to wait until we moved but since the guy is probably well into his 80s, I can’t guarantee he’ll be alive to hear it at that time. Besides, it’s my right to speak my mind, and I can’t always worry about how others are going to take things. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and not worry about others. I swore long ago that I would never let anyone hold me back or intimidate me from saying anything I have to say. So yeah, I told him that whatever he said to Jon and Carolyn (and who knows who else) was wrong. If he had a problem with me, whatever it was, he should have come to me. Don’t know what his grudge was and I don’t care but I fucking can’t stand gossipmongers.

There’s a woman named Dixie now living in Mouth’s place. She’s a slender woman with dark eyes, bad breath, and teeth too perfect to be real. Seems really nice, though. Not sure if it’s just her or not but she pulled up to me in her SUV as I was returning from talking with Jon across the street and asked if I had the code to the gate. At least I thought that’s what she was asking me at first. She gave me her number and I called and left a message saying that I checked in my purse but didn’t have the code. I Skyped Tom and he said he had it written down in the car, and as I also told her in my voice message, he couldn’t just run out and get it so she would probably have to go to the office. I said I didn’t drive so I had no use for the code myself.

Then she came by again when Tom was just pulling in and what she really needed was help with was programming her clicker. Tom told her that ours is programmed right into the car. Dixie then thanked us and said to let her know if I needed to go anywhere and that she could drive us around wherever. That was really nice of her.

Could have used that kind of kindness when I was single once upon a whole different lifetime ago. The only one plenty willing to give me rides back then was Nervous, who was in my dreams last night. As I got older and maturer, I came to feel bad for using him for rides like I did even though I think it’s safe to say he got payment enough for it just with the time he got to spend with me. Anyway, I went out to a restaurant with him, Fran and Andy in last night’s dream and we stay there late. Eventually, he got up and told me he needed to go because he couldn’t be up that late and I gave him a hug goodbye, realizing it was after midnight.

I also met a woman named Elaine who moved in down by where Dixie is. If it’s the house I think it is, they have a loud SUV. It’s not quite as loud as the car but it’s annoying enough. Hell, even FedEx is blasting music when they come around. I swear the world only gets louder and louder. Even read an article recently about how the world is getting noisier and even hospitals aren’t as quiet as they used to be. Yeah, I believe it. I can just imagine how libraries have become as well.

I swear Elaine started to say something like, “My only complaint…” And then she turned toward the back corner of our place before someone distracted her by waving to her so I don’t know what she was going to say. I don’t know if it was about us or something in back of the house or what.

I said hello to Bob the other day and he said Virginia is getting stronger day by day.

Didn’t know this till now but I love how Facebook shows who views our public stories. Definitely going to share more things publicly since that’s interesting to see but mostly cuz I’m curious to see if the drama queen shows up.

After 110 calories and 25 minutes on the treadmill, I had to get off because I was getting light-headed. Yesterday I felt a little wound up like I might be flaring and my heart was doing triple digits. I feel slightly jittery today but nothing too serious and hopefully it will stay that way. But what I did feel was the kind of feeling I’d get before the meds become a problem. God, I hope I’m not heading in that direction, but I haven’t had the chest “stabbers” in several days.

I’m excited about tomorrow! I called around and found that Incredible Pets in Sacramento has a bunch of young rats of both genders. Hoping for my favorite, a cinnamon ratty, but I like all rats as long as they’re not hairless.

The other day I also had a dream about “walking” some strange bus with a group of people, including Mariska Hargitay. I had my own house and lived alone. We’d gone somewhere for the day as a group and were about to drop everyone off. The bus didn’t look like anything you’d see in real life. It was much smaller and had wheels in the center of it sort of like inline skates. Because we were in a crowded area I said I thought we should walk the bus toward the main road where it was less crowded. So we all carefully walked it like you would a bike towards a less populated area and I thought of how I would thank Mariska for being there for me when I got dropped off. I guess she and I had a personal chat during the day.

Another dream I remember from last night was being out somewhere walking late at night. I came upon a store that was being burglarized. I knew it had been broken into and that some guy was ripping them off not just because it was after hours but because he had a funny mask on his face that sort of resembled a pig. He spotted me and I froze. Then I sprinted away and began to run like hell through a grid of streets. Pretty sure someone else had been someone close getting into their car and also witnessed the guy, so I was hopeful that the thief’s attention would be on him instead.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 2019 On the treadmill right now as I do this entry which will start off with the usual complaint… Noise. OMG, I heard 5 planes in just 10 minutes when I timed it, one of them being a small plane. The mornings are absolutely horrible! Didn’t seem as bad yesterday but this morning it was one after another for over an hour.

It seems that since he started working at this place we’ve been compensated for all the years we struggled financially, not that we’re not still in debt. I wish to hell I could believe I’ll be compensated for the health horror I’ve gone through here with nothing serious for a good long time and also compensated with spending our final years in a wonderfully peaceful, beautiful home.

But almost all my adult life has been spent dealing with noise so that one is really hard to hope for. If it’s true, though, that the more noise I have to deal with now means the more peace I get later on, then that is going to be one seriously peaceful place we’ll end up in! I still have my doubts because almost anywhere you go these days is noisy. Even if we don’t have all these planes overhead, we’re still going to get traffic, landscaping and other shit. It’s like I’m always compensated for what is lacking in that particular area. I don’t have barking and screaming kids here so it’s like it must be made up for with other shit. So even if we ended up where traffic and landscaping were less of an issue, that could mean more planes and more problem neighbors happily sawing away with their power tools and whatever other toys of annoyance they may possess. Our neighbor would be the one, like Tammy, to have their mutt barking out the door of their lanai. It’s like there’s always something.

Maybe if we do get close to any body of water, the main source of noise will be boats. I was looking at a home for sale by a canal in Florida and I would think that boats run up and down it regularly and that some would be audible enough. Obviously, large ships couldn’t pass through it but other things could. We hope to have our own boat at some point but don’t know what kind it will be, be it an inboard motor, outboard, whatever. It’s different when things are your own, though, because you have control over your own stuff. I can’t tell those with loud vehicles not to ride by the bedroom tonight because I’ll be asleep.

As for all the planes here, I can’t get anyone to listen to me much less to do anything about it. No matter how much I tweet to the airport or file online complaint forms, I am ignored.

Surprisingly, I haven’t heard the loud car yet today but it came and went early yesterday morning and then in the afternoon, as usual. When they came in around 3 and still hadn’t left by 6, I was again getting worried that they moved back in, but they left shortly after that.

Again, that is one devoted son! Or is the correct word clingy? We’re living in strange times, that’s for sure. Everyone’s quick to preach independence… Get your own place, get your own job, get your own vehicle, get your own everything. Yet kids are living with their parents older and older these days. Used to be everybody left home at 18 like I did and visited their parents once a week or less, and it isn’t when they leave home or how often they visit I have a problem with, it’s me having to know about it that bothers me. I don’t force my noise on others and I just wish I could get the same fucking respect. Hope the punk with the loud car has someone at home when they leave, even though I suspect they’re single. What a great way to announce your departure to potential burglars! Same thing I thought about the welfare bums blasting in and out with their fucking car stereos in Pheonix.

Something occurred to me earlier in regards to the mutt that would be barking its ass off two or three times a day when it would be out walking. It occurred to me that I haven’t heard it in a while. I don’t know if that’s because it was in one of the houses that moved or something happened to it, but it makes me wonder if my influencing had anything to do with it disappearing. I mean, what are the odds of the thing suddenly disappearing given how long dogs live? There are too many loud vehicles these days for me to influence them all but it gives me a little bit of hope then I can get rid of some of them. It definitely does seem like while I can’t actively wish them away, the anger and frustration I feel as they continue to annoy me seems to affect them.

“Blame the brown people,” a Mexican character said on Law & Order SVU when the cops came to his door. Then Ice T pointed out he was just as brown.

LOL, nice try, asshole. But sadly, this degree of race card playing doesn’t happen only on TV.

They weren’t kidding when they said that potatoes aggravate LS. Wanting to use up the rest of the potatoes before they went bad, and knowing how much Tom loves them, I made mashed potatoes and they came out so damn good with the perfect balance of margarine, milk and garlic salt that I ate tons of it. I paid later on with itching and especially with burning. If it weren’t for Tucks I’d be lost! This was after doing well enough for a few days that I didn’t need to Tucks myself like I usually do at the end of my day so I don’t wake up itching.

Everything is bad for me somehow. Everything. It’s frustrating as hell because now I can’t just shop for whatever when ordering groceries and it makes things harder. I have to avoid potatoes, canned soup, frozen pizza, greasy foods, and things high in cholesterol and sodium. I rarely eat bread and not much pasta either.

Walmart really fucked up the last two orders by getting things wrong and being out of stock on a lot of things. They’re very irresponsible. Safeway isn’t perfect but I think next time around I’ll order from them. Will focus mostly on fish, fruits and veggies.

I really should try once again to get some weight off not for appearance’s sake but for better health, and mobility, and of course my clothes would fit better too. But how? HOW??? Older people have slower metabolisms with or without thyroid disease and it takes so few calories to maintain and even fewer to lose. If most of us could simply stand the hunger for so long, then most of us wouldn’t be fat. I even prided myself on being one of the “smarter” ones who long since stopped bothering to try as I’m A, not likely to succeed, and B, not likely to maintain that success should I succeed in the first place by some miracle. But sometimes I wish I could lose even just 15 pounds or so. It isn’t only the hunger that prevents me from bothering but I worry about my medication as well.

Now why did my shoelaces come untied? Got to stop this thing and tie it.

Okay, that’s 16 minutes I’ve done so far. I wish this thing had a pause button so the counter wouldn’t start over.

Once again we’re contemplating getting rats for the lower level of the cage. The only negatives to that would be that it would up my responsibilities because rats take more time and care than guinea pigs with the way they like to run around loose and the way they’re attention whores that are much more social than guinea pigs. The pigs would probably like running loose as well but they’re not nearly as smart and I would have a hard time getting them back. A rat will return to his house eventually on his own. Even if the guinea pigs weren’t so stupid, they’re on the upper level so they couldn’t just go home. Gotta admit their stupidity is kind of cute, though. They’re dumb in a silly way. The only thing they know is to squeak for food.

The rats would need to be downstairs so they could come and go. Rats are also notorious pissers that would go about marking their so-called territory and are smart enough to figure out how to get into shit I don’t want them getting into. Ever since having to remove the side paneling between the dishwasher and the cabinet under the sink, there has been a little opening in which even an adult rat might be able to wiggle through and we definitely don’t want them getting back there. The clever little shits could probably figure out a way around whatever we put there to try to block it.

But even though it would be more work, time and money, I can’t imagine not having rats until we get a dog and if we do, it won’t be till he retires because I can’t always be available during the daytime to take it out. With a dog, I doubt I’d want anything else but maybe a betta.

Just did a little research and rats should actually be able to live with the guinea pigs so they can go up and down both levels of the cage. The pigs will probably just stay on the top but there will be water bottles on both levels if they don’t. I watched an adorably cute video of them interacting with each other and then I remembered that I have seen videos of them together in the past. I don’t know about putting adult rats with them but if the rats are babies to begin with then there shouldn’t be a problem. We’ll try it, assuming there are any left in the state. It seems everyone’s either out of them or no longer sells them.

Hopping off the TM at 20 minutes. Will walk more later.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2019 Training these dumb but cute pigs as best I can but here’s a clear example of the difference between their bravery and Butterboy’s. Butterboy’s no longer scared of the colorful duster when I’m dusting the area by his tank. Meanwhile, the pigs will keep running from the same old shit no matter how many hundreds of times they see it proves to be harmless.

Since these guys are kicking up enough shit onto the floor even with the cardboard walls we created, I decided to remove them and just vacuum the area every other day or so. I saved the pieces of cardboard in case we decide to put them back but I figured that if they’re going to make so much of a mess anyway, why block the flow of air to the air cleaner when they can have better ventilation and we can see them better this way, too?

I gave Funny Face, as I’ve been calling Blitz, extra attention today since he’s way more skittish than Rockefeller.

Since they can’t climb like a rat can, I lowered the shelf which lowered the ramp as well. Even a feeble guinea pig should be able to navigate the ramp with the way I’ve got it set up. The question is whether or not they’ll want to. I “showed” them how to do it.

Well, apparently Rockefeller wants to because he’s up there now, so I just saw, in the tube that I put there. I was hesitant to leave anything they could hide in inside the cage all the time because I thought that would make them more skittish if they could cower in a hideaway all the time rather than have to get used to being more exposed. For now, I’ll leave it like it is. They only have a hideaway on the shelf, not downstairs.

What is it with guinea pigs and raspberries, though? Guinea pigs eat fruit but for some reason, raspberries are an absolute no-no for them.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2019 “My dear devoted son, thank you for checking in on us twice a day like you have been for a while now and enjoying being fed while you were at it. But we’re two grown adults perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves just like you are. You don’t need to check on us twice a day or more and you can afford to feed yourself with your job. Get out there and enjoy life while you’re young and you still can instead of hanging onto your parents. Meet somebody and do some fun and interesting things in your free time. It may be hard at first but now it’s time to wean you off of us and get you more independent.”

How I wish the mother of the fucking loud car cock would say this! But just like I knew it would, it returned for free food and whatever else it could get in the middle of the afternoon yesterday. It’s in getting free breakfast right now because God forbid it should dare to make its own with its own food paid for with its own money for however many weeks or months they work this time around. It’s in later today, though, and I’m guessing it’s going to leave any second now and then it will be back at the end of my day.

They’re far from the only annoyance here. The planes were absolutely horrible yesterday and there is plenty of other loud traffic. Today I’ve got the sound machine that I sleep with because I just don’t want to hear it. They weren’t just roaring overhead in the morning but in the afternoon as well. Two tweets to Sac Intl have gone ignored as did my other complaints. They just don’t give a shit who they annoy. The sound machine I have going now is pretty loud yet I can still make out the faint rumble of planes. If I didn’t know they were there I probably wouldn’t notice but since I do it does stand out.

Skipped my meds today because I was a little wound up yesterday. Placebo effect or not, if it works, it works, and I’ll fucking sit and pick my nose on YouTube all day if that’s what it took to keep that horrible feeling away!

There are at least two women that I know of running for president and one of them is a black woman. Or maybe she’s mulatto since she looks “barely” black. She’s fairly decent looking for her age and when I did a quick Wiki check on Kamala Harris, I thought she would be great for the country regardless of gender/race. She’s from Cali, married, a year older than me, no kids, and seems to stand for everything Tom and I stand for… equality, freedom of choice, etc.

Do I think she stands a chance? No, because she’s a woman and we live in a country where women love men and men love men. But then I think yes, because she’s black or at least part black and even if some people won’t admit it or can’t see it, I still see every indication to believe that most people in the US do favor blacks. I totally believe that’s why Obama was elected.

But then I would have said both yes and no to someone like Trump as well. Yes, because it’s got a dick between its legs. No, because he’s a hater and the only thing that still gets a lot of hate in this country are gays and lesbians.

I asked Tom if he thought Trump will get reelected and he said he has no idea. People are crazy and you never know what crazy will do, he said. Oh, I totally agree!

Tom deposited Campbell’s check on the phone which was just so cool! He forgot to check this morning to verify if it went through but it seems like it did. I reminded him to check when he gets home even though I suppose I could check. It’s just that I’m so shitty with numbers that we’ve always let him handle the finances. Just like I handle the housework because his idea of dusting is very different than mine, LOL. I told him when he retires I’ll keep cleaning and he can cook for us.

Now I don’t know if I’m going to get another period or not. I would still think that sooner or later I’ll get one but it’s like my body tried and tried really hard to kick one off and it couldn’t quite do it. Therefore, the PMS symptoms have backed off. They’re not completely gone but they have lessened.

Hulu’s player really sucks. It doesn’t remember where we left off and has other tech issues. He said that when he tried using it in Microsoft Edge on his Windows computer he heard only the music and sound effects but no voices.

Last night I dreamed I was out in the living room working at my desk and the return vent was closer to the desk than to the couch. I looked down at it and saw a mouse peering up at me and thought that I’d have to tell Aly that it was now my time to need a glue board. The mouse, however, seemed bigger, fatter and braver, like it was a pet mouse. I reached for my phone to take a picture of its adorable face peeking through the grille, but all my phone did was play a recording of prank phone calls I’d made 30 years ago during which the mouse managed to pull itself up into the room and disappear somewhere.

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 2019 What’s the point of playing white noise through noise-canceling headphones when you can still hear loud vehicles loud and clear? sighs with frustration At least they’re good for planes and landscaping and moderately loud vehicles. The insanely loud ones, including motorcycles, can’t be drowned out unless I blast white noise or music super loud.

At just after 6 this morning the loud car came in and then left a few minutes later. What’s the punk going to do when its parents are no longer around to run to 50 times a day? They fucking came and went as early as 7:15 yesterday morning to around when I crashed in the early afternoon. One time they turned around and came right back like they forgot something. It does look like they may have gotten a job to be coming in this early on weekdays and not returning until later in the afternoon, but I wish they would get more of a life once and for all! My God, get a girlfriend, get a boyfriend, have a kid, get in a fucking fight with your parents and disown them for all I care…just do something to prevent yourself from spending so much of your free time here! Do you want to be a slacker and a loser all your life?

Cock probably feels rejected in general and therefore the type that would compensate by forcing its attention on others through other means, e.g. loud vehicles. I’m surprised they don’t blast music too, but someone has been lately and I’m wondering if it’s whoever moved into the house next to Jim.

I tried doing my influencing thing by imagining the car going faster and faster with the cock unable to control it and then sending it crashing into a concrete wall or something but I’ve never been able to actively make something happen. It’s always when I least expect it that my emotions cause either negative or positive effects on something or someone. It’s kind of like with the dream premonitions. I can’t control what I dream about that may ultimately end up coming true.

If a couple of dreams meant anything, though, then we’re out of here in September of 2020 but I honestly can’t see us leaving until he retires and he can’t possibly retire by then. On his next birthday, we can get a sense of what we could get if he retired early but he almost certainly is going to need to work until full retirement.

Had anxiety yesterday for 4-5 hours and hoping for a better day today. It may only be a placebo effect, but I didn’t wait long after taking my meds to have my coffee. So far so good. Made sure to tap more often and hit the treadmill after I showered and ate. Burned about 152 calories in just over a half-hour. I also did some Bowflex exercises.

At around 8, the planes should be dying down for the next 12 hours, though I still hear some scattered flights throughout that time. I’ll do some cleaning then too, so I can play Alexa “everywhere” without the rumbling of planes. Or at least without as many. I tweeted a piece of my mind to Sac Airport but I’m sure I’ll be ignored just like the 2 online complaints I filled out were.

Last night I dreamed that I wanted to stop dying my hair so I dyed it gray so that the gray growing out would be less noticeable. In reality, I think it would be just as noticeable because I still have a lot of brown in my gray.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 20, 2019 Campbell’s did make good on their word after all and sent me a $20 check. I was surprised. I really thought I would just get coupons or something like that.

We decided on Saturdays we would change the pigs’ cage and we would replace half of the fish’s water on Sundays.

I gave the pigs some tubes to hide in which they love, of course. But I don’t want them to always have places to run and hide and be less and less used to having us walk up to them in their cage so I make a point of removing the tubes when I’m awake. They can hide in there when I’m sleeping.

Because they’re so dissimilar in so many ways, it’s hard to believe guinea pigs and rats are related. But if it’s got two upper teeth and two lower teeth, it’s classified as a rodent.

I was glad to read some good news for once and that’s that they’re going to bring back Unsolved Mysteries on Netflix. I was really into that show in the 90s. I assume it will be with all new cases, of course.

Went to Sam’s yesterday morning and today we’ll be going to get some car parts and other places as well.

The year was 2020 in my dream and we were moving. I told someone who asked when we moved in that we moved in in 2013 as we did in real life. Only we were leaving a dumpy 2nd-floor apartment. Not this house. :( Still hope it means something as well as the dream I had where we moved in the month of September. I don’t see how we could move before he retires, though.

I also had some kind of dream that involved returning from vacation with my parents. It had been a fun vacation but I was glad to be home.

My mother was talking to some woman about a blog they had as Dad and I unpacked. The woman was saying something about being worried it would be shut down. Right as my mother went to tell her that all she had to do was claim a family member used it too, to prevent it from being shut down, I informed her of this as well.

Then Tom and I were going to bed in a hotel room when he plopped down on the bed and fell asleep as quickly as his head hit the pillow. I looked at him and said, “I guess I’ll take that side then,” and headed to the other side of the bed. As I walked around the foot of the bed I could see several large monitors on the wall by the head of the bed. I knew they had to do with entertainment and internet access for the guests.

Then I had a dream I had just stepped out the back door of either a house or an apartment with a woman who was a lot taller than me. She seemed to be someone who was more than a friend too.

Suddenly, we heard some guys’ voices that had entered the front that we might have known. The woman immediately put a hand over my mouth and moved me along with her to the side of the door so we could eavesdrop on what was being said without being seen.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 2019 After reading that earaches caused by earbuds can be due to compressed wax, I doused my ear with alcohol and peroxide. It worked, too. No earaches in either ear so nothing woke me up since I could use the earbuds. :-) Still getting backaches, though.

A car came in with music loud enough to hear and drove into the circle and past Bob and Virginia after 11. Adult communities definitely aren’t what they used to be. I remember Al saying they had the door open all day and didn’t hear a sound when they were clearing his sister out. Well, he’d certainly hear things here at night with the door closed.

I heard a few planes since getting up at 10:30 but OMG, the planes drove me crazy yesterday morning for about an hour and a half. Ironically enough, there has been less of the loud car since the planes are back to the usual shit they’ve been up to since September. It still came in but it was later in the morning and only stuck around for a few minutes.

Anyway, finally fed up with all the planes and curious to know why they’ve been flying over us so much these last few months, I called the airport and was given another number to call. When I called the number, a recorded voice came on saying to give them the number of the aircraft I was complaining about. Now how the hell am I supposed to know the numbers of all these aircrafts? I suppose that’s their method of deterring complaints and having to deal with them. I’ve complained online twice but was ignored both times. So yeah, they’re going to do what they’re going to do and they don’t want to hear any complaints about it.

Amazingly, the cream I got is doing wonders for my rash. I was surprised to notice a difference after just one use.

Aly said she finally solved the mystery of Kim being yelled at for going up and down the stairs on one leg. It isn’t that she’s hopping up and down on one foot but she’s holding the railing with one hand while dragging one foot along the way. I would still think she would be way too heavy to do that and that it would be rather awkward. Why would anyone want to do that? What’s even stranger is that she claims her doctor told her it was normal. I think Kim is just totally beyond delusional as hell. Always has been. Always will be.

Someone asked Aly on Ask how long her longest relationship was and she said 2 years. She told me 9 months. Maybe she was just too embarrassed to admit it if the answer she gave me was the truth.

She tweeted about Cam’s family getting together at some mosque and then creating a Jewish-Muslim lunch or something. I knew her BF was Jewish but is he also Muslim? Or perhaps he’s got relatives that are Muslim? Either way, I’d love to see her tell them she’s bisexual and see how fast they turn against her like the Muslim family she was a nanny for did. She doesn’t want to believe that most of them are very hateful and intolerant, if not deadly. No matter how many news reports there are of them killing by the masses and even their own family members for loving the “wrong” person, she always defends him. I guess that’s simply our politically correct society for you. I just would have thought she would be intelligent enough to see their true colors but if she can’t see Molly’s, why would she see theirs?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 2019 When I was checking out the islands of Long Island Sound that I could just make out along the horizon from the beach we spent our summers at as a kid, one of them was Little Gull Island. It’s only an acre from what I read and the only thing I could see on it from Google Maps was a lighthouse. I remember the foghorn we would hear from time to time. I wonder if it was coming from there. Can the sound of a foghorn travel seven or eight miles? From the looks of it, that’s how far that Island is from Old Colony Beach.

I saw a 30-minute video shot by someone who I guess was rowing toward the island and was surprised to see several seals on the island’s rocky shores. I was like, seals? Seals? I don’t remember ever seeing a single seal at the beach but maybe they avoid people and stick to the islands that are out of the way and uninhabited. They’re so cute either way.

Thank you, God, for continuing to curse my sleep, if You even exist. And why? Because I don’t have to get up to an alarm 5 days a week? Is this your compensation for not having to do that?

Yeah, I pulled the earbuds out in the late afternoon because my ear was irritated again. I would feel this sharp cramp-like sensation, maybe due to the pressure or something. It was okay when not lying on that ear but I tend to do that quite a bit. Over the years I got in the habit of not lying on my bad ear, thanks to my parents who I wish I could resurrect long enough to beat the shit out of for having the so-called “professionals” mess with that ear so they could have a “normal” daughter. Really, why did the doctors agree to such a thing? How could they have possibly felt it would help me as they claimed? Well, it’s done anything but that because I’m also feeling these intermittent sharp cramp-like sensations on that side too, only it’s on the outside. What’s left of the outside has been a little more sensitive lately and I don’t know why. I guess too much nerve damage from all the surgery I was forced to have as a kid. It looks horrible and is definitely noticeable. It’s changed shape as the lower part of it “withered” and “sunk” after the frame was removed there’s no way I can wear earrings because that lobe is higher than the other one and they make earrings look lopsided. Some of the dangling ones aren’t as noticeable but for the most part, earrings are out of the question.

Anyway, that fucking car woke me up and shorted my sleep by about an hour or so. I’m not overly tired but I am going to take the day off from working out, anyway. Can’t swear that it really was that car since there are tons of loud vehicles these days, but I’d say it’s a pretty good guess. It’s insanely loud and has a very distinct sound.

sighs with frustration How much longer can I just shrug and tell myself that that’s just life? Sooner or later I’m going to get fed up enough to do something about some of these people who feel the need to get attention at my expense whether they realize they’re doing it or not. Okay, so the damn cock can’t possibly know he’s waking up a light sleeper who can’t keep a schedule. But does that really make it okay? Does he being the norm and me being the exception make it acceptable?

While I’m slowly getting more and more fed up and unable to adapt for whatever reason, I can’t help but wonder…is this bastard also compensation of sorts? Has something up there increased his visits since the commercial planes have backed off? Well, I would rather the planes even though they were way more frequent because they didn’t wake me up. This fucker is going to shorten the number of days/nights I can go without the earbuds since he’s apparently stopping in for breakfast and then dinner at the end of the day. I don’t get this at all either. It’s working now but it can’t afford to buy its own food and cook its own fucking meals?

When I would go to bed at around midnight, I could go without the earbuds because traffic didn’t usually get loud until around 8 at which time I would usually be up by having crashed around midnight. But with this fucker coming in at a quarter to 6 in the morning and leaving between 8 and 9 at night, this means I have to sleep with the earbuds more often and irritate my ear some more. It’s either suffer the pain or get woken up. Again, it’s like something up there is causing the pain and may as well yank the earbud out of my ear and shout, “No! If I wanted you to sleep, I wouldn’t have made you such a light sleeper and curse you further with CRD!”

So today I’m a little tired and trying not to beat my head in the wall over the fact that this is the way it’s always going to be. It’s just not likely to get any quieter anytime soon. Probably not in our lifetime anyway, and I can’t beat the shit out of every driver of every loud vehicle. Also, if we ever do have a place on a less traveled street with a bedroom further from that street, since all it takes is one vehicle to ruin a good night’s sleep, that’s years away from now.

Yesterday my lungs were tight enough to have to use my inhaler and for a moment I worried it was related to my medication even though I knew it wasn’t and that it was due to all the rain. I also worried I wouldn’t be able to handle Florida with how much it rains there but Tom thinks I’d be okay because it doesn’t go back and forth so much there like it does here in the winter. I hope he’s right and that it’s not the pigs either! I also doubt it’s the meds because I don’t have other symptoms along with it like I would in the past. No “mindfuckers,” jitteriness, runs, or weight loss. Oh no, just the opposite. I’m up a couple of pounds and hoping it’s just water. My boobs aren’t as sore but I still feel PMSy. Backaches and a little water retention. I’m hungrier, too.

Tom says that since he can’t cut back he’s going to start working out big time to see if he can lose weight that way. The only problem is, as I told him, there aren’t enough minutes in the day for him to work out that much! LOL

I burn about 200 calories if I walk an hour. Therefore, I would have to walk 2-6 hours a day to “trick” my body into thinking I had only 1000 calories. Not going to happen. Besides, it doesn’t quite work that way. When we first moved in here, I was doing those 90-minute HIIT routines that are supposed to burn 1000 calories and that didn’t do me any good. So since I can’t cut back either or spend half the day on the treadmill even if it did work that way, I realize my only hope is to “play the scale.” My average daily gain is 2-3 pounds but I have to be up no more than 1 pound in order to be down the next day. My average sleep loss is just over a pound. So I would have to eat when I was ready to as usual at the beginning of my day but then I couldn’t eat again until the scale fell back to where I was only up 1 pound since getting up which can take many hours. The only tricky part is knowing when to stop eating for the day so I have enough time for my weight to fall to where I’m only up a pound when I crash. I doubt I’ll do this, though, as it still requires going hungry most of the time and ending up lightheaded and grumpy. Besides, extra weight goes with most older mammals as does gray hair, worsening vision and a whole lot of other bullshit. Exercising is still a good thing no matter what we weigh.

I’ve been having more sodium lately and it’s reflecting in my blood pressure numbers so I’m definitely going to focus on that, which is much more doable.

Because I sometimes still use the skier even though I don’t use it nearly as often as the treadmill, we might get this flexible phone holder that you attach to the edge of a table or a shelf. The desk is right by it so I could attach it to that or part of the skier itself for when I want to go ski blogging. It would also be good for in bed as I could attach it to the headboard shelf. The skier is what I mostly want it for, though.

Also found a blood pressure monitor wrist cuff that also detects irregular heartbeats. I’m curious to see if it ever detects one these days.

Definitely not impressed with Hulu’s player. It doesn’t remember where we left off and the buffering bar doesn’t go away unless I minimize the window after backing up a few seconds if I miss something or want to see something again. So we’re probably going to drop Hulu after the 30 days is up. I’ll make sure I finish Law & Order by then.

Really getting sick of all these memory issues. Like forgetting to empty the dryer’s lint trap.

Since the cock had to wake me up in the middle of a dream, I remember it. I was living in an apartment building and watching TV. Some kind of documentary. I was surprised to find a guy who lived in the building featured on one of the episodes, though I don’t know what it was about. I then realized it explained why he hadn’t been home as much lately.

Then I was listening to music and it was like I was a kid again even though I wasn’t. I was thinking of the second house we had in Longmeadow and I was tired of circumstances coming up to yank me out of it. I guess I was stuck somewhere else for some reason and was beginning to feel like something didn’t want me in the house.

As I continued to sway back and forth to the music with my eyes shut, tears threatening to squeeze through my lids, and a fan blowing on me (I guess it was summer), I imagined I was back in the house and not wherever I was.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 2019 Ended up feeling okay yesterday and waited the required half-hour before having coffee after taking my meds. Hopefully, I’ll stay okay today and the tightness in my lungs is only because of all the wind-driven rain we’ve had which certainly sprouts mold. Been a little worried about the roof but so far so good.

The earbud was irritating my ear again so I removed it just to get woken up by what was probably that loud car. That’s when I put it back in and was fine until I got up at 8:30.

Cock isn’t living here again, after all. By some miracle, maybe while I was watching a show, they slipped in unnoticed early Tuesday morning. They didn’t go by the bedroom, so that was probably why. When I did hear and see them leave a short while later, I thought they were here overnight because it was so early. They might as well live here if they’re going to come and go 2-3 times a day as they do.

Yesterday they came in at 5:50 in the morning and left 40 minutes later. Until I’m on days, I won’t be able to get a sense of if they’re working or not. It’s hard to believe they would get up that early if they didn’t have to, though. When they lived here they didn’t usually leave until after 9:30. If that was them that woke me up, then they can’t be working full time unless they woke me up at the end of the day. I didn’t look at the clock so I don’t know.

Just like I hate it when Tom makes excuses for and defends anyone I complain about, I really wish he would stop playing down and denying the noise here. This place seriously and totally makes Phoenix seem comatose. No joke! No exaggeration. He tried to tell me the other day that I’m just more “sensitive” now. Oh, come on! Like I wouldn’t have noticed if traffic was this loud in the past even if we weren’t so close to the street. Never before has there been this many muscle cars and other loud vehicles on the road, nor have I ever lived where there were so many motorcycles. The traffic issues in the past were loud car stereos and engine gunning. We can still hear some of that here but 90% of the traffic we hear in here are loud motors.

Set up my new jewelry holder and it’s much better! It’s a much more efficient and versatile holder and I don’t know why I didn’t get this particular design to begin with. The only thing I would have to do is maybe remove some necklaces to get at the ones closest to the stems off the T’s but that’s no big deal. It has a white base and a nickel finish. The gold looked nicer online but it was twice as expensive so I went with nickel which is still pleasant enough. Tom can use the copper carousel to hang wires on or whatever else he might think of.

Really hope the rash cream that should be coming today helps because it’s itchy and spreading!

Here we go again with another migrant caravan. When I read that I said, “Oh no, not again!”

Do some people actually want to make trouble for themselves as well as for others? Do some people actually like being tear-gassed? Defiant little fucks like this that will literally harm themselves and even die to spite others are the scariest kinds of people of all. These are the kinds of people who have no limits and will go to any extreme possible to make their fucking point.

There are numerous people who have come from other countries, including my bestie’s BF, in a perfectly legal manner with nothing but good intentions, and that’s fine. But if there’s one thing and one thing only that I agree with the orange nutjob on it’s that most illegals are up to no good and we’re the ones that have to pay for it. Why would you come here illegally if you had good intentions in the end? Illegals do nothing but burden our resources, drive the crime rate up, and steal jobs from those who are from here. Enough is enough! I wish the Border Patrol agents could replace their tear gas with bullets but as I said, some people will stop at nothing. If they suddenly knew they would be shot, they would still defy our laws just to piss people off and make a point.

I just dread the day we break down and start paying for their needs, including housing them in jail. Our tax dollars shouldn’t go to criminals (and you are one if you come here illegally). What about our needs and expenses? Who pays for those?

Sooner or later, though, we’re going to start letting them in and footing the bill. That’s just how this bleeding-heart country is. :-(

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2019 When I heard the loud car leave at 6:30 in the morning I said to myself, “Oh no! Just oh fucking no. They’re living here again!”

But I knew damn well they would be back sooner or later. I know how these manipulating rule-breakers work. The Phoenix freeloaders taught me well. They get caught at something, they behave for a while, then they see if they can get away with something a second time around and hope that no one will notice or bother reporting them.

The only positive to the cock leaving that early in the morning is that it could be a sign they’re working again. The 2 or 3 months I knew them to work when they last lived here, they’d leave at 6:30, return in the afternoon, and then go out again for 2 or 3 hours. On weekends it would come and go at least 3 times.

Then tonight, as I was finishing up on the treadmill, I saw it leave at quarter to ten. Using one of my old paper journals to start a car log. On days I’m sleeping on weekends I’ll leave it in the kitchen for Tom to log whenever he sees it. Leaving that late could mean they didn’t really move back in, but this car has been active anywhere at almost all hours of the day and night. Could return any second but I’ll know if it does. If I see that they are in fact living here, I’ll complain after a month. I just wish they’d stop coming and going so fucking much either way! Ironically enough, my earbuds started working again so I was protected from anything that went on while I slept. Who knows how many times they were in and out today?

My groin rash is a contagious fungus that I could have gotten from the fungus that’s been in my toenails forever now or from several other causes. I’m sure being fat doesn’t help. When I ordered groceries, I got antifungal cream for both my groin and my toenails. I didn’t realize this thing was contagious so I’ve set aside a hand towel for drying my groin which I’m applying alcohol to periodically. Could also be caused by friction from working out as much as I do.

Now for my worst news. I did okay until the end of my day when the anxiety really kicked up. If this really isn’t the medication, and experiments have shown it isn’t despite the coincidental timing of how it started after starting the medication, then I either have the worst case of perimenopause in the history of womankind or something really went wrong with my brain chemistry. I would still like to think that if worse comes to absolute worse, it will go away when he retires in half a decade but each year that I have this, I lose hope even though some things really can last for many years before they go away. The facial muscle twitches I had from the Navane lasted for decades. It’s been way better for the last few years or so. The thing is I don’t have that many decades left in the first place, which to me is kind of a good thing with all the problems I’m racking up.

I just read that researchers now believe that the brain firing too many neurons is what causes anxiety. But so late in life? That’s the part that seems the weirdest to me. Don’t you usually develop these things a lot younger? Depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, multiple personalities… Don’t those things usually start in the teens and 20s?

Placebo effect or not, an effect is an effect, so I compromised with myself. Instead of skipping my meds, I skipped the waiting time.

Anyway, I said there wasn’t a single good thing about aging other than the wisdom and maturity we acquire. Well, I was wrong. There is something good in it and that’s that each year that I live puts me one year closer to no longer having to deal with life’s bullshit. Can’t know if anything worse may be waiting for me on the other side if that other side exists, though.

I managed to sleep well last time around and dreamed of watching squirrels hatch from these eggs. I thought they were adorably cute and was telling Tom that I wanted to hug them.

Next thing I knew we were standing by the edge of a pond. There were several scattered ponds around us with gently sloping grassy fields running in between. There may have been a couple of other people around as well.

I watched how one of the squirrels jumped from the edge of the pond and flew into the middle of it.

Then I either thought of retiring or how we actually were retired. Not sure on that one but I think I was looking forward to when it would happen.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2019 Good to know Christiane wasn’t swallowed up by the Austrian avalanche after I messaged her, primarily in German. She said those people were “off the track.” She heard about the fires, too. Must’ve been an unwanted reminder of my existence for Nane, LOL.

Interestingly enough, my boobs aren’t as sore as they were before. It’s almost like my PMS is reversing itself. I still think I’ll get another period sooner or later, though.

My groin rash is driving me crazy. It’s definitely not connected to the LS. It’s more fungal or heat-related. They say body size doesn’t matter but somehow I get the feeling being so fucking fat doesn’t help. There’s simply no way I could ever lose weight and keep it off, though. I’m way past those days at this point. I would have to be seriously ill or have a disease with the opposite effect of Hashimoto’s.

Pussy itches every day, too. Without Tucks, I’d be clawing myself to death. Trying that on the groin but doubt it will help. Only hydrocortisone seems to really help but you’re not supposed to use that long-term. If I could, I could kill it and keep it away. As soon as I stop treating it, it worsens. How bad would it get, I wonder, if I never treated it at all?

Ended up being more anxious than usual yesterday but today I’m fine, thank God. I guess it was just because I hate that time of week. I hope that’s all it was, anyway!

I wish I could come up with fresh story ideas. I have the time for them and great tools at my fingertips yet no ideas come. The few that do, don’t last long and they’re basically spinoffs of the same old shit I usually write. Maybe I ought to take the beginnings of some of my stories and give them different endings.

I’m amazed that I slept well because my earbuds broke. Ordered a couple of cheap pairs for sleeping, one from the same company in red, and one from a different company in pink. They were both $12.

The only dream I remember was returning to a beach with Tom, Christine and maybe someone else. It seemed like we lived in the area. As I was walking from the car down to the beach, a boy of around 10 walked by and I thought he looked pretty tough for his age. I wondered if he could take me despite being shorter.

Then I headed toward the shore and stuck my toes in the water. I thought to myself how it had really warmed up in just the few days we were gone. I dove into a wave and found I didn’t surface as fast as I expected too, assuming I had gotten “caught in a swell.” Pretty sure I eventually broke through the surface. I seem to have a lot of dreams like that where I dive into a pool or an ocean and I can’t get back up. Or at least not when I think I will.

MONDAY, JANUARY 14, 2019 My bestie finished The Wrong Sister and liked it. :-) It’s always a pleasure to have her read my stories and I appreciate her pointing out some of the stupid mistakes I make too, LOL. Just sent her Renting Ginny. That was written once upon a time when I didn’t know the true meaning of the word anxiety.

When I feel borderline, I mark the calendar with a hollow circle which will be filled in solid on days I’m more than just borderline. I’m a little borderline now but I’m hoping that it’s just because it’s coming up to the start of the week. Sunday nights and Monday mornings are definitely my most hated time of the week.

Felt a little better after some pork chops and wine. I may need daily wine indefinitely. According to my research, a glass of wine a day shouldn’t hurt me. It can actually have benefits, especially red wine. It’s only if you drink heavily every day for a long time that you risk damaging your liver. I’ve never been drunk and I’ve never wanted to be. Just getting a buzz on is enough for me.

They raised the fairy I was going to get with my Bing points by $5 so I decided to hold off on it and see if they lower the price later on. For now, I’m going to get a few envelope openers since ours is getting blunt, and a new jewelry holder that will be more efficient. It consists of three separate T’s made of nickel and the tallest one is 19” high. What I like about this design is that I’d have a handy place for bracelets as well as necklaces. My carousel one is basically only good for necklaces. Some of the bracelets are too wide for the hooks.

Tom cut and placed pieces of cardboard around the sides and back of the guinea pigs’ cage to keep them from kicking shit out, and secured them with zip ties after punching holes in the tops of them. He also printed a couple of mini rakes to rake up anything they kick out in front so it doesn’t have to be vacuumed every day. We didn’t want to box them in too much because then we couldn’t see them and it would prevent good air circulation as well.

They’re definitely warming up to us more even though they’re still pretty skittish being prey animals as they are. They’re now taking food out of our hands. Blitz also seems to be growing faster than Rockefeller and now they seem similar in size. Even so, Rockefeller has been nibbling on Blitz’s ears, something they do to establish dominance like rats do their boxing thing that almost looks like they’re playing patty-cake.

Planes are moderately annoying tonight and Tom said that on and off there was loud traffic while I slept. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. Seems I might have heard something when either the earbuds slipped a bit or I had just gotten back into bed after getting up to pee.

This may look weird as hell but I took a spare pair of pantyhose and cut the legs off after tying a knot by the crotch. I’m going to use the top part of it as a hairnet, not only for my hair of course but for the MP3 player, too. Maybe if I bundle the wires and the player on the top of my head and then secure it with a net, I won’t get wrapped up in the wires so easily.

Starting to get a little crampy but I’m still not seeing red. Wish I would and just get the damn period over with so I can relieve the soreness in my boobies!

Had a dream where we lived in a house in which there were other identical homes along the street we lived on. We were getting ready to sell ours and I was worried that the outside sidewall just above a lower level (maybe above a garage?) was too damaged. I was at a neighboring house when I stepped back to see over the lower roof at the sidewall in that section which looked a lot like brown floorboards and said, “Beautiful,” as theirs was smooth and unmarked with nothing attached to it.

In another dream, I saw about half a dozen people I knew in a restaurant I was just “passing through”, including Becky H. I told them I wasn’t hungry and started to leave after greeting them until a waitress approached me saying they left me a meal as they too, left in the other direction. I sat down surprised and appreciative, gazing down at a plate of Alfredo and cheesy broccoli. I immediately suspected it was a present from Becky because she’s always been a real foodie.

In real life, she’s heavier than me and she definitely doesn’t work out or count calories, LOL. She doesn’t mind, though. She’s one of those who would rather live it up even if she may not live as long and may be inviting health problems along the way because of it.

I try to find a happy medium. I’m not going to stop exercising because I like the way it makes me feel and I like being as fit as I can be for my size and age. I’m also not going to stuff myself because I don’t like heartburn or want to open myself up to diabetes and higher cholesterol/blood pressure, but I’m also not going to set unrealistic goals and expect to get skinny and stay that way. I’m 53, not 23.

The dream I didn’t like was where I was thrown in some Mexican jail after mouthing off to some cop down there. Not sure what I said or how long I was to be in jail, but knowing that the wheels of justice likely turned much lower down there than they do here, I figured I would be there indefinitely. Therefore, I was contemplating not eating or drinking so I would die in just a couple of days or so. Not a fun dream at all. :-(

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12, 2019 Decided to post a random picture on my Twitter health account every time I take my vitamins so I know I’m not taking them too soon. If I forget if I’ve taken them, I can see if there’s a pic for the day and the time it was posted as well.

Went to Rite Aid for a few things and then we changed the pig’s cage and cleaned the fish’s filter and heater. The guinea pigs don’t have a circadian rhythm and will sleep a little, then get up, and back and forth. The fish definitely tends to be more active during the daytime, though.

It was a nice day today at 61° so we went for a brief walk when we got back from the store.

I haven’t had any chrome nail polish for centuries so I got a few bottles at Rite Aid in pink, blue and silver.

Now that they finally added some sound files to the Hawaiian course, I’ve taken three or four lessons so far and haven’t gotten any wrong yet. :-)

I also did Duolingo Stories in Spanish last night and German tonight and was surprised to beat my Spanish score if only by a little. Really didn’t think I would do that well with the German! Did I really learn that much of the ugly stuff? I guess I did, mostly thanks to Nane and a few others.

It’s been a surprisingly quiet day and night so far. Last night the planes were back to getting on my nerves. Not as bad as they were last year but they were getting there.

I don’t remember much in the way of dreams lately but it seems I woke up to a woman’s voice telling me something about great suffering ahead. She wasn’t speaking in a concerned tone either. She sounded menacing and evil. It creeped me out enough that it woke me up and I really hope it doesn’t mean anything. Haven’t had any anxiety today or yesterday so that’s good. I’m a little worried I might have a cavity by my bridge up top. No more crowns, though! If there is and she tells me it can’t be filled, I’m going to tell her to just pull the damn thing.

Signed up for a free month of Hulu and was glad to find two additional seasons of Law & Order SVU that I haven’t seen yet.

YES!!! Just got a message from my PCP saying that at this point she prefers me to continue with lifestyle changes instead of starting blood pressure medications. She said my blood pressure readings are good in the morning and she’s afraid with medication it may get too low and I may get dizzy. She concluded by telling me to just continue to check my blood pressure 2-3 times a week and bring the readings with my machine to my next visit.

I have absolutely NO problem with being told I DON’T need medication. NO problem, LOL.

I think I’ve now gone the longest I’ve ever gone without feeling even remotely horny. I miss those days. But they’re never coming back any more than my old figure or vision is so I suppose there’s no point in thinking much about it. It’s just part of aging. I think I’m just one of the few that would be more honest about it. I think women tend to be more open about these things while guys will tend to kid themselves and others. Or at least try to.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2019 My tits are getting sore and I know I’m going to get a period any minute now. Tits don’t lie. Been having backaches as well.

On the bright side, I’m happy to say I haven’t felt anxious today. I don’t know if this means anything or not, but when I first got up, I thought I might be in for a bad day. Shortly afterward, I sat down in a chair and after I did my tapping routine I said, “I don’t know if there’s a God up there but if you think you’re going to torture me with my own mind and body because there’s nothing else going on at the moment to whip my ass with, you’re wrong. Dead wrong. I’m done with this shit and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

Since then I’ve been fine. Is it good or bad, though, this nightly ritual where I have a little wine? And when I say “nightly ritual” I mean whenever I happen to be at the end of my day. I guess it can’t hurt. It’s just sparkling water spiked with hints of flavored wine. Only 5% alcohol as are wine coolers and spritzers. At least the ones I’ve had, anyway.

I’m also happy to say that they finally added some sound files to the Hawaiian course on Duolingo, although the course is still far from complete.

I slept shitty last night. Coincidentally or not, I forgot to put the bamboo plant on the headboard shelf before crashing. First I woke up just because and then the MP3 player died which I forgot to charge. So traffic woke me up several times, mostly the fucking garbage and green waste trucks. My ear was getting irritated from the earbud as well and to think that traffic is going to affect so much of my life for the next 20-something years makes me want to scream. Car stereos, yes, but traffic, for the most part, has never been an issue until I came to this fucking state.

Why do I always have to end up in the noisiest places and always get the flukes and extremes? What were the odds in Arizona that the house next door would be city-owned and rented to welfare bums? What were the odds that the duplex in Oregon would face the back of a duplex with a mother and daughter team going back and forth at all hours of the day and night? These are just a couple of examples, too. We just couldn’t have happened to end up on the other side of the circle or on a dead-end, could we? It wouldn’t exactly be peaceful there but it would be better than where we are.

My groin rash seems to be virtually immortal. Fortunately, it doesn’t itch that much because as soon as I get it under control it flares right back up. I’m tired of all these rashes I just can’t kill! The question is whether or not it’s lichen or fungal. It seems to be common regardless of body size. I know stress can make it worse and I was definitely stressed out yesterday and the day before when I learned my numbers.

Just when I was regretting the pigs and wondering how much of my lung tightness they could be responsible for, which I’m now pretty sure is connected to the weather changes and me being stressed out yesterday, they’re definitely warming up to me. Still probably always gonna give me a run for my money when I go to handle them but they’re definitely more comfortable sitting with me and don’t struggle as much as I’m picking them up.

What’s a little strange is how Rockefeller does all the talking. He was funny because as soon as he heard me come out of the bedroom when I got up early this afternoon, off he went. Blitz, on the other hand, is still pretty quiet. He’s not as brave as Rockefeller but he’s not as timid as he was before. These are probably the only noisy animals I enjoy and they don’t drive me crazy with their squeals and squeaks.

Along with cleaning the fish filter and heater which gets bits and pieces of debris trapped in the suction cups and other parts of them, we’re going to cut cardboard pieces to place at the sides and back of the pig cage so they can’t keep kicking out so much bedding and making a mess.

He’s going to be going to Sam’s Club tomorrow morning like he does every other Saturday. Sunday we’ll probably go out and pick up some things from Safeway. If not, we might go to Walgreens or Rite Aid or who knows where.

Watching a Netflix mini-series called Haunting. They’re said to be true stories but I have to wonder how they prove this. Either way, it still makes for good entertainment.

Been hearing way more planes tonight than I’ve heard so far this year. Please, please don’t tell me we’re going to go back to that shit! Just let me have my nights!

“You don’t think you’re fake?” someone asked me on Ask.

Hmm… Someone I’ve talked to that’s two-facing me? Someone who knows of me? Totally random?

I hope my friends really are my friends. Just can’t help but wonder if I blocked that person, would “that” person be Aly? She suspects Jase has been trolling her there so maybe it was him. People connected to Aly tend to be trouble. That’s why I hesitated to associate with Cam at first. They could turn on each other tomorrow and I could be trolled the next day. These days, though, it’d be much easier to shake him (or anyone else) off as I’m not nearly as public as I used to be.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10, 2019 His Family:

Marge (the queen), his mother. She married Raymond who died in the mid-90s.

Ray, her oldest son has been dead for just over a decade. His wife was Nora. Kids: Pam, Jackie and Ryan. Grandkids: Jennifer.

David, her second child whom I forgot to mention in my VM. He’s married to Evie and they have a son and daughter, Parker and Nickolena.

Mary (Miss Perfect), her only daughter, married Dave.

Steven, her youngest. He married Carol and lives in the Fresno area. They have 2 sons, Matt and Chris.

Other relatives, mostly cousins, are Cindy, Johnny, Maria, Opal, Neva, Sandra, April, Bonita…

Find A Grave. It hit me all of a sudden yesterday that there was such a site and so I ran his mother’s name and found that Tom was right in suspecting she died years ago. Bitch died in February 2015 at the age of 91.

I finally decided it was time to give a few of his family members, without telling him about it, a piece of my mind. I was unable to locate Steven, Miss Perfect and Dave but I found several others, including David and Evie and their kids as well as Ryan and Jennifer. I sent them all the same message. I spoke from the heart and everything I said was 100% true too.

Here’s where it got strange. I immediately got a friend request from Jennifer and then Ryan. LOL. Jennifer and I even exchanged a few messages. I don’t think she had time to read my message before she replied but I don’t know how with it she is to begin with. She was just a little kid when we last saw her. Ryan is definitely mentally ill and has been on disability all his life.

Anyway, Jennifer asked where we were living now and I told her. Then she sent a friend request, saying she has a son now. Like I care? rolls eyes I told her no disrespect to her whatsoever (she didn’t do anything to us after all, and the only point of sending messages to multiple family members was to up my odds in at least one of them seeing it), but I couldn’t add her. I didn’t think to look up Sandra J, but I also found Cindy, Pam, Jackie, April and a few others that I’m pretty sure are related. The point is that once one sees it, the whole damn family will hear about it which is what I want. I especially want Miss Perfect to hear about it.

I went and blocked everyone I messaged.

The fact that no one in the family, especially Mary, never took the time to look us up and at least tell him that his shit of a mother died, tells me enough about them right there and stamps out any chance of me feeling any guilt for speaking my mind. He may not be reachable but I’m easy to Google and anyone can look me up on Facebook. All these years they could’ve reached out to us just to say, “Hello. How are you two doing?” but they never gave a shit. Ever.

I am seriously considering deactivating on Facebook for a number of reasons. I mostly have no need for it. There are only two more people I wouldn’t mind finding. But I don’t know Rosemarie’s last name, and if I haven’t found Steve by now, I’m not likely to ever find him. So what’s the point of keeping my account? To keep on seeing the same old political bullshit and food posts that only make me want to eat?

At the same time, I’m not sure I want to abandon everyone because I do have my cousin there and some Valleyhead sisters as well as a few good longtime cyber friends that might worry if I were to disappear.

I thought about telling Tom about the messages but I don’t want to worry him. I know how paranoid he gets at times. Personally, even if they all apologized, not that all of them owe us an apology, what would be the point in reconnecting? Tom doesn’t do social media and it would only be a matter of time before I would think they would want us to visit. Of course we would never step foot back in the state that did the horrible things it did to me, among other reasons.

The part in quotes is the message I sent.

“So Queen Marjorie died four years ago, I just learned, huh? The old me would wish her final moments were anything but kind to her but the present-day me feels nothing but contempt, disgust and even pity for a mother who chose to abandon her own son simply because he needed help one too many times. And after he did so, SO much for her while the rest of the family, excluding Mary and Dave, sat on their booties and did absolutely nothing. We lost thousands of dollars buying parts for all the projects Tom did for that woman at HIS expense. She always promised to “get him later” for it but later never came. The way that woman so easily and casually used anyone she could and then dumped them when she found them a “burden” or that she couldn’t benefit from them was utterly APPALLING but not nearly as appalling as her apparent conditional love and concern for her own son and his wife.”

Truly Spiked & Sparkling alcoholic beverages don’t taste that great but they warm me up and relax me. At least somewhat. I’ve really been on edge since learning my numbers that a part of me wishes I didn’t know what they were. Ignorance really can be bliss at times.

My lungs have been tight and I don’t know if it’s connected to the medication, the guinea pigs, the weather, or what. I just know I’ve been a bit more on edge these last couple of days and I worry that I’m on the verge of another vicious cycle of anxiety and will be at its mercy with absolutely no defense whatsoever. Once the adrenaline kicks up in my chest, I have never been able to find anything yet that will stop it. Not anything I do, take, eat or drink helps. I can calm a racing heart but I can’t kill those waves of anxiety once they start stabbing in and out of my chest. That’s when my thoughts tend to get dark and I start to feel hopeless. Like I said a million times, if there is any God up there that plans what happens to us or at least allows it to, what a cruel, torturous thing to do to someone!

Oddly enough, though, I felt better after 20 minutes of “ski blogging.” Plus, I’m having a little wine. Decided to ski blog since it’s been a while since I’ve skied and that way I don’t have to speak louder over the hum of the treadmill. Tom had just gone to bed, even though I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Especially lying close to an air cleaner that’s always running which would drown me out.

I’m also not happy that after being delayed a day - ONTRAC is always late probably because they couldn’t get in the gate - the guinea pigs are too small for the playpen. Fucking Rockefeller busted right through one of the squares. I forget that they’re skinnier than they look. All that thick soft fur makes them look fuller than they are. Rats can collapse their rib cages and maybe that extends to guinea pigs as well. Hopefully, when they’re full-grown it won’t be an issue. It’s a nice pen otherwise. Cut my hand setting it up, but am wearing the highest quality Band-Aid I’ve ever worn, LOL. It totally fits like a second layer of skin.

I love how they squeak when they hear me coming or they want lettuce, but I’m just sick of the scaredy crap I’ve had to deal with for the most part for over a decade now. When are we going to have a pet that runs to us instead of away from us? When??? The only one here that seems to truly like having me around is Butterboy. I totally believe without a doubt that if he could breathe the air and walk on four legs, he would definitely be happy to see me. He would probably follow me around the house and gladly sit with me. He’s a surprisingly friendly, alert and intelligent fish. He just has that air about him that says, “Hello there. Nice to see you” when I walk into the room.

The guinea pigs don’t mind being held but not without a fight first. From my experience and from what I’ve read in pet forums, it’s common for guinea pigs to run when you go to pick them up. But once you’ve got them securely held, they’re fine.

Still nothing from Campbell’s and now I wonder why they really wanted my address. I definitely don’t need coupons for their cans of plastic anxiety soup, so I wonder what they really had in mind. To try to sue me for bashing them? Good luck with that, Campbell’s.

I was browsing YouTube when I randomly stumbled across a video on water fasting. This woman claims she did it for 21 days and that the first couple of days she was hungry as hell and felt weak and cold. It’s not only supposed to be a quick way to lose weight but is supposed to be good for your skin and hair and detox your digestive system and things like that.

But I still see the same problem I see with any other diet. Once you start eating again, the weight returns. You pretty much have to live a good part of your life on a diet if you want to lose weight and keep it off. If you can do that, you’re amazing. If you can’t, you’re human.

The Revenge series was going slow, so I moved on to something else. Watched the movie The Strangers on Netflix and it was great.

Amazingly, I didn’t hear the loud car at all yesterday but just after dark it came in and left a few minutes later. Probably to pick up rent money or food from its enabling parents. So, so glad that at least the planes haven’t been driving me as crazy!

I was going to use my first Bubbly account for generic things and the second one for things I would rather Aly not hear if she’s checking every now and then but was unable to log into my original account. Personally, I’m not finding Bubbly much fun anymore, so I don’t know that I’m going to bother using either account.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2019 Went to the lab yesterday and was able to request Shannon. Took her a minute to remember me, but I slowly came trickling back into her memory as we chatted. She had no trouble drawing a vial from the crook of my elbow since I hadn’t just gotten out of bed with not enough time to guzzle water beforehand.

When I got up at 10:30, I took my meds, fed my pretty fishy and piggies, then found my lab results had been sent just 4 hours ago.

T4 - 1.4 (normal) TSH - 7.50 (slightly high) T3 - 3.2 (normal)

Call me emotional, dramatic and a bit immature, but I couldn’t help but burst into tears of both delight and dread when I saw the 1.4. I was surprised. I was expecting 1.3 and a TSH around 11.

It’s pouring now as we await the playpen.

LOL! I just got up, stepped into the hallway to comment to Tom in his office about how hard it’s pouring now, and Rockefeller heard me and “called” for me. At least I think it was him. Blitz is still quite reserved.

Ah, rain stopped as suddenly as it started but I can hear it rolling off the carport and patio roof now. Oh, here it goes again, just not as hard.

And that damn car? It came and went yesterday morning around 10, returning just minutes later to spend the entire day here. Didn’t leave till 8. Haven’t heard it since getting up so it’s probably here.

Just got called for a second serving. Damn, these things are serious lettuce whores! I forget just how much of the stuff they can inhale. Gotta double up on greens. They eat way more than rats.

Anyway, other than trying not to think about the inevitable return of my anxiety, even though the particular type that’s been plaguing me on and off for the last couple of years is now looking like it’s not connected to the medication, I messaged both doctors at 1 with my results. It didn’t take long for Dr. A’s to appear as “reviewed,” but Doc O hasn’t gotten to hers yet.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2019 Was reading someone’s journal on Prosebox that mentioned shopping online at Cannabis Cowboys. They’re in Canada and so is the site. They seem to have all kinds of things for all kinds of physical and emotional ailments, and while some of them seem interesting, I’m not sure I would have the guts to experiment with any of them. A glass of wine before bed is one thing but I would see this as medication with potential side effects. Plus, I can never know what may not be good to take with the medication I’m on although there really isn’t much that can’t be taken with Levothyroxine; just usually not at the same time.

I’ve also seen in Andy just how bad marijuana can fuck up one’s brain. If I think I have memory issues now…

Going to the lab in the late afternoon and worried about my results. Today was one of those days I woke up deciding my skin and hair were too soft for me to be that hypo. But then there are times I worry my TSH is still high because of how good I’ve been feeling with absolutely no skips in just over six weeks. I worry also because of the way 50s usually brings my TSH down to 16, not 33. So I’m afraid my thyroid might have died off some more which would mean that if it was in the teens I would have to up my dose which would absolutely terrify me. I have suffered so, so much on and off these last four and a half years that I don’t want to do anything that might rock the boat.

Each week that I go without anxiety, I wonder a little more if the Amberen may have had more of a hand in it than I realized. I only tried it because they claim it has no side effects and I only found one or two complaints of increased anxiety.

My HR spiked to 110 yesterday morning, but it was likely because I’d just gotten out of a hot shower. It’s been averaging between the high 70s and low 80s which is wonderful. :-)

I don’t think I’ve ever had pigs this timid before and I’m really starting to believe there is as much of a pet curse on me as there is a noise curse. Ever since losing Tinkerbell. I’m not sure I believe in the afterlife but it’s like she’s out there and she knew she was queen and is jealous of any furry pet that might steal my heart.

Ah, but Tinkerbell, sweetie, if you’re out there, you will always be my number one!

Seriously, this is just ridiculous! I’m surprised I haven’t been pissed or shit on as is common when rats get scared. Rockefeller does make happy talk when Tom reaches into the cage and pats him, so he definitely likes him. He’s getting a little easier to handle but they still act like we’re going to kill them when we reach for them be it to pat them or to handle them. At least they’re eating well. Tom said they were playing this morning before he left for work.

We ordered a playpen for them and some lattice balls with bells in them that cats play with. I’ve seen videos with guinea pigs playing with them and it definitely seems like something they would like if they could ever loosen up and get more playful. The playpen has panels to create a walled-off area. There is no floor to it. But this way they can have more space to run around an hour or so each day. It wouldn’t work for rats because a rat could just climb or jump right out of it. I thought this would be a good place to sit with them since I’m small and where they could play with the balls. Even though they have a good-sized cage, the balls would roll easier on the carpet than on their bedding in the cage.

We also restarted the bedding subscription but we’re only going to get one bail a month.

That loud car has come around every day without fail. Yesterday they were only here once and for 15 minutes but still, why can’t this loser visit his parents once a week like most people?

Just when I think the planes are going to start driving me crazy again, I only end up hearing a few. I wasn’t up that late last night, though, and I’m sleeping in the early mornings so they could be worse than I know. I’ll find out soon enough if they’re back to being as annoying as usual.

Started my 8th book since joining KU. Definitely going to stock up on Willow Rose books after reading the few I downloaded after catching up on the Jon Athan books I wanted to read.

Started Revenge last night which is an eight-book set and is estimated to take nearly 46 hours to read. It’s about a black girl (I guess I’m a hypocrite for pointing out her race, LOL, which I hate when others do) who gets gang-raped by 10 rich white guys. She goes to medical school so she can seek revenge without leaving a trace. Definitely my kind of book as I love revenge stories.

Last night I had another one of those Valleyhead reunion dreams. I was showering before dinner in a community bathroom with several toilet and shower stalls. I chatted with Marie briefly after getting dressed and placing a couple of strange dolls in a chest or a box. Then I quickly texted someone and headed in search of the dining room. I asked this guy for directions to the dining room and he started giving me a hard time about it. I said something like, “Yeah, yeah, just tell me where it is.”

But then I found it on my own. It looked like a nice restaurant more so than a dining room. They had large tables and long booths with regular waitresses.

I saw people I recognized, including Kate Jackson, who was still young and hot. On one side of the booth sat three or four people with fewer people being on the side Kate was on. Those on the more crowded side were figuring out how to make room for me when I said, “Maybe I just won’t eat.”

But then someone suggested I sit by Kate, so I happily slid in next to her. Kate hugged me and gave me a kiss on the top of my head and I thanked her for being there for me earlier. I guess we had a private chat and I was grateful to her for it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 6, 2019 Stumbled across an article on why the Keto Diet is worthless, and I agree. There are no magic foods or food combinations for weight loss, otherwise most people would be thin. It’s all about calories and I’m way past the point in life where my calorie intake has to be so low that I just couldn’t stand it short-term let alone indefinitely. Even if I could be 30 pounds lighter at the snap of my fingers, I’d never be able to keep it off. I’d rather just use common sense, keep active, and accept my aging body as it is and as it was meant to be. As long as I’m not severely obese, I’m okay with myself and with not trying to be something I’m not meant to be.

Finished watching Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons. While I’d hate to be in prison anywhere, Norway is the place to be if you have no choice. They’re single-man prison cells are like hotel rooms and the place isn’t filthy and overcrowded like in Costa Rica, for example. The prisons have no bars, have their own supermarket, you can’t get anything longer than a 21-year sentence, and the staff is encouraged to be friendly with the prisoners. Their attitude is that if you treat people like animals, you get an animal and that’s what you’ll be releasing back into society someday, and I totally agree. I mean sure, some people are born animals no matter how much dignity and respect you treat them with, and I personally wouldn’t like the idea of my murderer living in such a nice prison and being treated with the same kindness you’d treat a guest in a hotel with, but they definitely have a point. It’s why most abusers were abused, after all. People do tend to follow the examples set for them.

They also believe it’s pointless to make their punishment any rougher because being there in the first place is punishment. Right on again. Back when I was in jail I wished they would just let me do my damn time, even though I knew I didn’t deserve five minutes of it, and quit with all the bullshit along the way like the deliberately cold showers, cellmate shuffling, and barely edible food.

“We don’t want to make it fun for anyone,” one male DO had said.

Oh. You mean just being forced to be there and away from our homes, loved ones and pets were supposed to be “fun” by itself?

On the 4th episode of You and liking it very much. I was wondering when Joe was finally going to kill Benji and kind of hoping he would too, LOL. Didn’t care for the uncalled-for and unnecessary comment about Benji being the so-called “poster boy for white privilege.” You know, the one that doesn’t exist in 98% of the country? Do they realize just how offensive such comments are to those of us who have personally been victims of reverse discrimination? And yeah, there are more of us than anyone wants to believe.

Why do people have to refer to one’s color in the first place anyway? I’m tired of race always having to be pointed out whether it’s black or white. Can’t we just say “a person” or “a woman” or the person’s name and leave it at that? Really, enough with the race references! My husband’s name is Tom. Oh, he’s white, BTW. Now, did I really have to point that out? Is it necessary that people know that as if his color somehow defines who he is as a person?

Guinea pig update: The pigs are continuing to be super timid and I really hope I didn’t make the wrong choice when picking them out. I’m seriously coming to wonder if I’m meant to have timid animals as much as I’m meant to live in noisy places. It seems so. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to pets! The damn fish is way braver than they are for God’s sake, but the fish isn’t a warm, soft cuddly animal. In this state, only Tinkerboy and Sugar were friendly and sociable, then Sugar had a stroke. Hopefully, they’ll come around a little more, but I don’t know. Rockefeller was more curious today and started to come up to me, but he would quickly chicken out. They’re not quite taking food out of my hand but they started nibbling on some hay and lettuce as soon as I put it in the cage earlier today.

We had to run out and get a couple of roller bottles because these idiots were overdoing the swivel heads and wasting water when they’d get drinks.

Earlier we ran out to Safeway and got some things for them as well as stuff for us during what’s been a very wet and windy weekend. Let’s just say I haven’t had to deal with landscaping and motorcycles but just some loud traffic. Still, I wish I could jump in Butterboy’s tank and have my world be 78°, too!

Stage 1 is in the lead once again at 6 to 5. It might be a tie again when I do my end-of-the-day BP reading.

Aly’s other Twitter account is public again and Molly keeps changing handles.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 2019 After waking up feeling a bit PMSy based on a little bit of soreness in my boobs, a couple of extra pounds in what seems to be water, and increased hunger along with a few scattered backaches, two little piggies went home.

We arrived at Petco as soon as it opened to increase our chances of them having guinea pigs in stock. The first two we looked at appeared to be brave and full of pep. They were munching on hay while “popcorning,” something guinea pigs do when they’re happy. I liked their colors but didn’t like that they were mostly hairless. I’ve never liked hairless animals of any breed. Even though they seemed to have great personalities, no one wants to have an ugly pet. Or at least what they personally don’t find pleasing to the eye.

Nearby were a couple of much-shyer American guinea pigs with the short fur I wanted. They were hiding in their burrow and weren’t too thrilled to be fished out of their tank but I have had some guinea pigs start off on the shy side that warmed up to me within a week or so. So hopefully I didn’t make a mistake in choosing appearance over personality. They have nice soft fur and one is a little older than the other. One has a mix of brown and white while the other has black and white with some brindle mixed in. They’re both males and were $40 each.

We got some vitamin C drops for their water as well as some chew toys, hay, and regular food. They’re on the top part of the cage. If they seem to be able to get up and down from the upper shelf, then I might open them to the lower level as well. Some reports say climbing ramps is good exercise for them while the guy in the store said that multi-levels aren’t good for them because they can’t bend their backs in the way rats can, and that much is true. They’re not nearly as flexible as rats. However, I think they can maneuver the ramps but definitely not climb the walls like rats can.

Unable to come up with names for them I picked their names using a random pet name generator. So the little guy is Blitz and the bigger guy is Rockefeller. I’m letting them get settled in while periodically going into the living room to pat them and sometimes pick them up. They’re still very timid and Rockefeller screamed at me once, LOL.

Lots of rain and wind today, especially wind. It’s just cold and miserable overall and I really wish we were someplace warm! We’re enjoying our time together, though, and just hanging out doing this and that. We replaced some of the betta’s water and now we’re doing our own thing.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 4, 2019 I am so SO fucking sick of the loud Subaru visiting not once but twice a day. You may as well live here if you’ve got to see your parents that often. I wish to hell this attention whore of a cock would get in an accident and total the fucking thing! I really do. For 3 fucking years now I have listened to this thing come and go hundreds of times and I’ve had enough! I know, though, that no matter where I lived there would always be some source(s) of annoyance. For the 5-6 more years we’re here, there’s no way this little fuck will give up that car, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more motorcycles each year.

Another thing I was surprised to hear after so long was Bob sawing but fortunately, it didn’t last long. Really hope he doesn’t go back to that shit on a regular basis. Just because we’ve been neighbors for over half a decade and have come to know and like each other doesn’t mean I want his noise penetrating the walls of our place. I don’t push my noise on him.

Almost done watching the complete collection of Forensic Files. Think I’ll try this Bird Box next that everyone’s been raving about. Plus, there are new episodes of Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons and I want to get back to You as well.

My HR has been amazingly low whenever I take my blood pressure, ranging between 75-81. Usually, I’m 85 or higher. I asked Tom if I should be worried and he said that when I usually check my HR, it’s because it’s high, so I’m probably like this more often than I realize. I sure feel good! I dread the day the anxiety returns but it always does so I know this calmness won’t last forever.

BP and HR readings so far… Systolic, diastolic, HR:

Jan 03, 2019. 02:06 PM 132 83 77 Jan 03, 2019. 02:19 AM 122 85 77 Jan 02, 2019. 12:27 PM 135 85 78 Jan 02, 2019. 12:13 AM 129 90 80 Jan 01, 2019. 10:35 AM 145 83 81 Jan 01, 2019. 01:05 AM 129 81 76

Not liking how there’s a sticker on my new medication bottle saying it’s the same medication I’ve been taking. The last time I saw that sticker was when they gave me the JSP brand and a week later I was anxious as hell which was just too coincidental. Yet I don’t see anything different. Still looks like Sandoz. Same shape and I’m pretty sure it’s the same color too.

Last night’s guinea pig-hunting dream wasn’t very promising. I would prefer an American guinea pig for its short hair. But in the dream, I went to the bathroom in this pet store and then returned to find the guy who worked there chatting with Tom and holding a box with two Abyssinians that were very light gray in color with some white. I asked if he had any Americans and Tom said, “I asked him that.”

The guy said he did but I’m not sure what he said next.

The planes haven’t been bad this morning but the loud car has already made its first of 2 or 3 trips in. Who the hell not only visits their parents this often but at 7:15 in the morning? So yeah, I think they’re doing some work for them because how else can the cock support himself?

Later…

Turns out that Virginia did have a heart attack when they took her away in the wee hours of Christmas Eve. She’s been in rehab ever since and is expected back home Monday. Bob said a guy was coming to install handlebars in the shower.

Poor thing! How sad and scary. Makes me definitely rethink getting old once again.

Christiane replied to my message wishing her a happy New Year. She said she’s going skiing in the Austrian Alps. Now let’s see her surprise me with a message for once, but you know what? I’m sure I’ll never hear from her again as long as I don’t message her first, and I can’t see myself doing that again in the future. Like I said, my one and only New Year’s resolution is to ditch the one-sided friendships and ignore those who don’t want anything to do with me.

What else is going on in the neighborhood? Not as much landscaping today but the loud car was here for 3 hours and I’m guessing it’s going to return any minute. I really need to try my influencing thing or some kind of spell to get rid of them. While I certainly wouldn’t want it to kill them, they need to be incapacitated for a while. Totaling the car wouldn’t do much good because someone that desperate to be heard and noticed is just going to turn around and replace it with something just as loud. I’m sure their parents will be happy to help too, as they seem to enable them to live such a slacker lifestyle to begin with.

I was looking at affordable, or at least hopefully affordable, waterfront mobile homes along Florida’s coast. It’s definitely going to be hard to get something in our price range that isn’t too old, too small or both. I would prefer to look out over the ocean but there are other water views that would be pleasant to see from a lanai or something like that with canals and lakes. It’s Florida, so there’s water everywhere. Don’t know for sure that that’s the state we’ll end up in but that would be my guess.

Went through some of my collectibles today and will definitely be getting rid of some older pieces. Cheap little plastic pieces and pieces that are chipped or broken or that I’m just sick of. Twinkle, my 22” fairy elf is now in the trash as I’ve definitely had enough of her after 15 years or so. 17 years, to be exact. Just checked my old journals. Funny as I got her almost 17 years ago to the day. Definitely a cheap, poorly made doll but she served her purpose. I removed her outfit before dumping her which wasn’t her original one but something I got from the Goodwill. Hillary can wear it and probably a couple of other dolls too. Not sure I really want to get rid of much of my collection unless I had to but I don’t expect to display most of it in the next place, wherever it is. I’ll just store them in plastic bins.

Tom is going to prep the cage when he gets home in case we do find a guinea pig or two tomorrow, and I sure hope we do! The trays, which are a bit big and bulky for me to handle, need to be hosed down. I attached the water bottles and a spare hammock. At the store, we gotta get hay, GP food, vitamin C drops, and wood chews.

Whenever we find one, I really hope it’s friendly and not timid. The thing is that guinea pigs tend to run and try to hide when you go to pick them up from their cage even long after they’ve gotten to know you and seem to be quite comfortable when they’re hanging out with you. Piggles in Phoenix used to do that and I found it annoying, and as funny as this may sound, it was also a bit insulting. I couldn’t help but take it personally after treating him like a king. Same with the last trio of rats. They were constantly acting like I was regularly beating the shit out of them. I do miss some guinea pig traits, though, like their happy chatter when being patted, squeaking for food…

THURSDAY, JANUARY 3, 2019 Heard a couple of planes this morning but nothing major yet. I’m sure they’ll be in full swing again soon enough just like I’m sure that loud car will zoom by the house in about three hours. They’ve got to be working for their parents somehow. They obviously don’t have any other job yet someone’s got to be paying for wherever they’re living, their cigarettes, and that fucking car.

While rats are the cutest and the smartest of the rodents, I don’t have the energy most days to give them the attention they demand and there are no guarantees that I’m ever going to get my energy back to where it was. It’s a fact of aging… Weight and blood pressure go up, energy goes down. Still hoping the blood pressure medication will give me more energy, whenever I start it, but I can’t know that for sure.

Mice, hamsters and gerbils may be cute but they’re out of the question because they’re messy, smelly and stupid.

Okay, that makes five planes in less than an hour and I’ve had enough, so on goes the air cleaner. Will probably ask Alexa to have sleep sounds play a random background sound as well since traffic, mowers, blowers and other shit is going to start in about an hour anyway. Just asked her. She chose “Fountain.”

As I was saying before I was distracted, due to lack of energy for rats and not finding much good other than having something cute to look at in mice, hamsters and gerbils, I was thinking of getting my second favorite breed of rodent which I’ve had many of, just not for a long time - guinea pigs! Not sure if we’ll get one or two but we’re going to check out some stores this weekend.

I’m already getting excited about the idea! I thought a guinea pig might be nice because they don’t require as much energy and attention but they’re smarter and more sociable than mice, hamsters and gerbils. They have some traits about them that are both better and worse than rats. They make better cuddle buddies compared to the very animated rat, but they shed way worse than rats which is part of why I prefer short-haired guinea pigs like the English or American guinea pig. I’ve had Abyssinians and Peruvians and while they may be cute, I would still prefer not to get a long-haired guinea pig. The fur gets tangled, and their turds and bedding can get matted in it as well. I kind of miss the sounds they make, too. I work far enough from where the cage is so their screaming wouldn’t bother me. They don’t usually scream unless they’re hungry anyway.

As long as we don’t get one that’s overly lazy like the last one we had, it should be able to climb the ramps to the upper levels of this cage easily enough. They just couldn’t climb the walls of the cage the way rats can. They don’t have the agility and the thinner bodies rats have or tails to help with balance.

So I thought a guinea pig would be a good compromise considering my current energy levels. It would also probably be gone by the time we moved.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2, 2019 Ran out to Walgreens yesterday and it was just a degree above freezing. I’d kill to be in Hawaii or Florida or someplace warm now! I’d especially kill to live in this particular spot I noticed when looking at Google Maps at the park my parents lived in which I visited twice in my twenties. I wasn’t kidding when I said they lived high off the hog while I struggled, once having to steal tampons just to plug up my fucking bleeders.

My parents’ old place is in an absolutely gorgeous location, and some of the homes have spectacular views of the ocean. There was this one spot I would kill for because it’s not only at the end of a dead-end, but you have woods on one side and the ocean on the other. Being on a dead end doesn’t always do you much good if you’ve got a busy street running behind you. The street in front of us and on the side gets a moderate amount of traffic but the one in back gets an enormous amount. The park they lived in is also much smaller than this one so you’re not going to have as many residents, delivery trucks, visitors and caretakers coming and going. You also don’t have as much landscaping noise because they don’t have trees that lose leaves and make a mess as we do here and they pretty much mow everyone’s grass almost all at once. Here it’s up to each individual owner to take care of their own lot. There, the residents mostly only care for things like if they want to plant a rose bush outside their bedroom window or something like that. Even garbage day would be so much quieter there! Because I’m in the middle of such a maze, I have to listen to them wind in and out of so many circles, streets and dead ends. There they would just come and go like everywhere else I’ve ever lived.

When I would be at the beach at our summer cottage in Old Lyme, Connecticut which was just six cottages from where the sand starts on Breen Avenue, I would look across Long Island Sound and wonder exactly what was out there on the New York side about 10 miles away. Well, thanks to Google Maps, I could actually look and see and finally settle that curiosity. I could have done this years ago but only thought of it last night. So I looked and found out. There’s a lighthouse across the way and also some houses which it’s definitely safe to assume that only rich people can afford. There’s a place called Plum Island too, that few people if anyone seems to live on. I guess they mostly do animal research there.

What’s amazing is how much everything looks the same at the beach. The cottages haven’t changed much and I was surprised to find the vacant lot diagonally across the street from our cottage still vacant. I would have thought they’d have built something on it by now.

Anyway, I would LOVE to end up at the end of a dead-end with only one neighbor but I know that’s just a dream. It’s like something up there totally wants me to be in the middle of as much chaos as possible but like it or not, I’m used to noisy places and if that’s what’s as meant to be as it sure seems to be, then that opens up a lot of options for us since 98% of the places would be noisier than that dead end. Who knows, though? If we were suddenly in a place like that and I really am as cursed with noise as I’ve suspected I’ve been for a million years now, then whatever is cursing me would just have some insanely loud boats or planes going by all of a sudden for me to have to listen to. Also, even if we could afford it, there’s no guarantee that the place we want would be for sale to begin with. I would still take a fifty-year-old place in that spot rather than a brand-new one in the middle of a circus. It would be so ideal! We’d be so much more out of the way of things yet wouldn’t have to drive 45 minutes to get to civilization. Yesterday was pretty quiet but I’m sure I’ll be in for tons of landscaping and traffic today. So my noise-canceling headphones will definitely get used.

I would always totally support anyone who wanted to go on a diet and all that, and from what I’ve read on Prosebox, it seems the top two New Year’s resolutions are to either quit smoking or to lose weight, especially to lose weight. To each their own but I still don’t see the point in nearly killing myself for such minimal results that are only going to come undone in no time. I just can’t see myself having 1000 calories or less every day indefinitely and then not being able to eat much more in order to keep the weight off. I’ve learned through time that striving to be healthy is much more important than being skinny. Even Nurse Jennifer pointed out that the numbers on the scale aren’t exactly an indication of one’s health and she’s right. I’d rather keep my 30 extra pounds and just eat sensibly (and enough) and keep active. That way I shouldn’t gain any more. Most older people are heavy for a reason, though. If they could just lose it and keep it off, they would.

I misunderstood how the live health site works. I thought I could talk to a therapist instantaneously if I was alone when a panic attack hit but no, you still have to schedule an appointment. You can talk to a medical doctor right away but not therapists.

Tom reminded me that it’s totally up to me whether or not I want to schedule a video therapist appointment, see Stacey, or not see anyone at all. He insists I don’t worry about the time and money.

I think for now I’m just going to schedule the shrink later on this morning and forget about the therapist, video or not. I honestly don’t see what more they can do. As Dr. O said, I can’t just “talk this out.” The anxiety. They’ll always be there if I change my mind later on. Right now I’m just dreading the day the anxiety returns. I’m also worried about my upcoming lab results. This Friday will be 6 weeks on 75s, and even though how I feel is what matters most, I worry about my numbers being too high. It would make me anxious just seeing my T4 hit 1.4, but at the same time, I’m worried my TSH is still high.

Just scheduled the shrink appt. I think it’s pretty sad that it takes 8 fucking months to see one. I expected April or May, not August 29th.

I created a second Bubbly account since I ended up regretting telling Aly about it since I have no way of knowing if she’s curious enough to follow me there. Especially since I’ve learned that if you’re not logged in it won’t trigger the listen counter. The funny thing is that when I got the welcome email, I was the first of three people it recommended I listen to, LOL. These days I prefer people only to know what I tell them directly and I feel like I can speak more freely with this other account. There’s always the chance that Aly or Kim could be browsing users and happen to recognize my voice since I’m not using colorful pictures they would normally associate me with. If they do, though, they do. Until then, although I may never know if they do discover it unless they tell me, I feel like I can be more open.

Open about people like Aly. It’s quite a coincidence that while she says she no longer feels a need to protect tweets on the Twitter account we’re connected on, she goes and protects her other account. Now, why do I have a feeling it’s because she knows I’m following her there? She probably didn’t do it as soon as I slipped with the band name I shouldn’t have known cuz she figured that’d appear too obvious if she did.

Fine, let her say nasty shit about me that she doesn’t have the guts to tell me face-to-face in a manner I don’t see it in. Still wonder if I’m one of the ones she was considering toxic and in need of getting rid of, and while I prefer us to remain friends, if she dumps me, she dumps me. There won’t be a third reconciliation, though, if she does. She hasn’t given me any indication that she’s back to considering me as “not having anything to offer as a friend” or “bringing her down,” but she doesn’t always say what’s on her mind either. We haven’t been arguing about anything but who knows what she’s thinking? All I know is that if I’m making any New Year’s resolution at all, it’s that I resolve not to bother with those who don’t want to bother with me. You dump me, you lose me forever. End of story. And no looking up and reaching out to people from 20-30 years ago to say hi that never do the same to me. Let’s see someone else look me up for a change!

Tracking my blood pressure on ccctracker.com/aha and it seems to be an easy and convenient tool that even Tom created an account to track his as well. I like the way it also lets me record my amazingly good HR lately, and highlights the numbers with different colors, depending on if you’re normal, elevated, stage 1, stage 2, or in crisis. I can also create a PDF file to print copies for my doctor in March.

Had a dream involving a couple of younger ladies and I’m guessing I was young, too. Many of us, including myself, were suddenly displaced due to an apartment building either closing down or becoming inhabitable for some reason. A flaky girl with hot pink hair promised to let me stay with her before some kind of event that was going on that night. Not sure if it was a holiday or maybe it was just Saturday night and everyone was in a partying mood. It seemed like we were at some kind of outdoor mall. The weather was cold and crisp and there were many shops and eateries that people were milling in and out of.

I eventually lost track of the pink-haired girl who was supposed to give me a place to stay and ended up talking to a quieter, more conservatively dressed blond girl who said I could stay with her if the pink girl didn’t come through. I was so grateful that I promised to clean her place and give her a foot or back massage anytime she wanted. She didn’t say anything to that though I got the feeling that she liked me and was almost glad the pink girl wasn’t likely to make good on her word.

Deciding to make one last-ditch effort to locate the pink girl and find out what was going on, I told the blonde girl I would check this particular store out and then let her know if I could learn anything.

The blonde girl thought she should be the one to go in and see if she could find out any information, thinking the pink girl would be more likely to be more honest that way. She asked me for my favorite kind of gum as an “excuse” to enter the store.

I guess pink girl must have bailed because next thing I knew I was in the passenger seat of the blonde girl’s car as she drove down a dark and nearly deserted street.

Again I thanked her, saying it would have been too cold to be homeless that night.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2019 Citrus Heights, CA Age: 53

It’s been wonderful starting the new year off without all the damn planes but I’m sure they’ll be back in a day or so. Especially if it wasn’t just a holiday thing. I don’t know, maybe they built another airport closer to us. I’ll find out soon enough because they’ll be back at it late tonight or early tomorrow morning if it wasn’t just about the holidays.

Saw Nurse Jennifer yesterday and she wasn’t the one I thought I was going to be seeing. She’s an Asian woman I haven’t seen around the place before. Saw a couple of other nurses I recognized since I’ve been there 50 million times already but this is the first time I’ve seen Jennifer. She was a nice lady. She too, weighs about what I weigh and doesn’t look it because she’s active and fit.

She looked at my beautiful spreadsheet with my not-so-beautiful numbers and agreed my morning numbers aren’t too bad but my afternoon and evening numbers are high. Anything over 140 is worrisome and I have a lot of readings in the 140s-150s. 120/70 is optimal, 130/80 is our goal, but 140/90 is definitely high.

She gave me a sheet of paper with tips on reducing blood pressure and the best way to take BP readings, most of which I already knew.

I asked if high blood pressure could be causing my fatigue and dizziness and she said it definitely could because the heart has to pump harder which makes you tired, and because things can’t circulate properly, this can leave you dizzy. I could also have issues with the crystals in the inner ear.

The doctor, who won’t be back until Wednesday, must have known I would be coming in with shitty numbers because she decided I should go on a low dose of lisinopril. Tom was with me and he had forgotten the name of the blood pressure medication he was on before losartan that caused him to cough all the time. But as soon as he heard the name, he knew that was the one that made him cough. I’m so glad I took him in there with me! Jennifer did confirm that coughing is a side effect of lisinopril.

So I asked if I could try losartan instead since Tom hasn’t had any problem with it. He’s actually on the 2-in-1 that has a diuretic along with the BP medicine. I told her I had a medication phobia and that while it would be scary either way, it wouldn’t be as scary if I tried that instead. She said she saw it listed that I have a medication phobia.

She’s going to run it by the doctor and I’m guessing she won’t have any problem with trying me on losartan. Really REALLY hope it helps with my fatigue and dizziness!!! Polly said it helped hers and she’s been on blood pressure medication for years. It’s just that I woke up tired and dizzy, as I do most days, and my blood pressure was almost normal at that time. So does that mean there is no connection or what? I guess I’ll find out soon enough but not until the end of the week.

Wasn’t impressed with Excel or Google Docs spreadsheets so I made my own in Word and will be keeping a record of just my morning and nighttime readings.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the 77 days that I’ll be appointment-free!

[milo-is-rambling]

The thoughts in my brain about food rn are awful so like tw disordered eating for sure and tw for talk of health anxiety and nausea / throwing up

Eating disorder brain vs autism / ARFID brain vs taking my adhd meds again and having no appetite vs EATING DISORDER BRAIN BC MY MOM WAS ALL EXCITED FOR ME THAT I WAS GONNA GET ON ADHD MEDS AND HAVE NO APPETITE vs feeling nauseous from coming out of hyperfocus mode and realizing bc of my adhd meds I hadn’t really eaten in twelve hours vs just getting my blood test results back and seeing I’m like low low in iron (and I hate eating things with iron I’m pretty much vegetarian at this point (even tho I don’t like most vegetables) sometimes I eat a ham and cheese sandwich or bacon in a breakfast sandwich or like chicken if it’s not really seasoned other than salt and no pepper) and my sodium is too high which it has been consistently for years and those two things together are for sure fucking w my blood and my heart and (okay this is not doctor confirmed this is “for sure” from my anxiety brain. Not fact.) other shit and like high sodium low iron can cause dizziness lightheadedness heart racing like all this shit I’ve been dealing with that I’ve contributed to anxiety (which does get worse with anxiety bc of course it does it’s anxiety it’s gonna make your heart race and you’re gonna wanna sit down when your legs are jello) but it’s freaking me out im such a hypochondriac but i also have so many psychosomatic symptoms its so hard to tell the difference anymore … vs the smoking cigs and losing an appetite vs trying to smoke less weed and not being hungry bc of it vs having heartburn from always having a stomach full of medication and barely any food or way too much food and not enough meds like it’s terrible I don’t know what’s wrong with me in the brain why don’t I want to do the steps to fix it (me)

It’s so funny that my body wants me to have an eating disorder so bad it makes me throw up daily without wanting to or especially after I try not to throw up and try to actually take my meds and space meals and meds out properly and I still throw up or get heavily nauseous why does this happen to me 🤩🤩🤩

Idk what fucking eating disorder I have but something is going on !!!!! I’ve just been ignoring it for so fucking long and I’ve been like well I’m not skinny at all so my family isn’t worried about me (they actively talk about wanting me to lose weight) and I’m not throwing up on purpose so it’s fine but like Jesus Christ I eat the same maybe fifteen things I don’t really know how to cook for myself like cooking for real esp the real healthy meals I like and my mom doesn’t cook for the house anymore my brother stopped cooking really now that he’s working he just orders food in for him and mom and I eat more microwave frozen meals alone in my room while they hang out in the living room and eat watching tv together.

I hate anxiety and blood tests and food in general and taking medications with food and still getting heartburn or nausea I hate that I have to be awake in like seven hours and take my mom to the airport and idk if I’m gonna wake up nauseous with a headache or not so 👎

[cugzarui]

even before i read it and oftenly after i read it i thought a lot about that post imagining you find out one day you lacked a vitamin without knowing it and once you're given the vitamin all your problems go away

anyway e535 caught my interest recently

e535 is sodium ferrocyanide and is used as an anti caking agent in every bit of salt i own. and probably in your salt too. as the name implies it is 'mildly' toxic. i put mildly in quotes because according to a quick search it has a lower recommended dose than actual hydrogen cyanide. which kinda seems to me like it means this stuff is more toxic than literal hydrogen cyanide. but what do i know.

(interestingly, it has a recommended dose that's 6 times lower than cyanide while also holding 6 cyano ligands. and chemistry doesn't really work like that just putting 6 of a toxin on something doesn't make it 6 times more toxic by weight but i find it odd that it's the same number here)

now, the amount of it that you're allowed to put in salt is very low. low enough that you would never even approach a dangerous dose. which is really good cuz 0.5% of my salt is anti caking agents, and if all of that was sodium ferrocyanide i'd be way over the recommended dose already and put suffering from kidney damage. i mean i didn't go to a doctor to check or anything and my body is normally dysfunctional in all sorts of ways so there's no way to be sure it's the anti caking agents in my salt of all things that's causing it, but i do sometimes feel intense pinpoint pain in my lower back for a few seconds and my urine might be a bit cloudy so maybe i should check that out.

the amount of sodium ferrocyanide allowed in salt is so low i don't think it does anything. the maximum allowed is something like 20 parts per million. and it's also not the only anti caking agent used. and some salts don't use any anti caking agents so i really wonder why put this toxic stuff in people's food when you literally don't even seem to need to.

i have three theories:

1) i think by far the most likely explanation is that it doesn't do anything (in the amount you find in salt) and its added for some stupid reason like bureaucracy or taxes or shareholders or that's how we've always done it why stop now. i like this theory cuz it means my salt is safe.

2) unlikely i think but still possible. it does actually function as an effective anti caking agent somehow even at such low concentrations. some chemicals can do their magic even in absurdly small quantities.

3) the most sinister. this one's also possible. there's way more sodium ferrocyanide in salt than what's legally allowed. my salt doesn't actually say how much of it is sodium ferrocyanide. it just says how much anti caking agents it has, and that one of those agents is sodium ferrocyanide. i'm hoping it's the legal amount. it may not be.

i will try to get salt that doesn't have this stuff and see if that fixes any of my problems. i'm not an expert on e535 so even though i strongly eluded that i think it's poisoning me i really dont actually know. you might wanna test it yourself but don't just throw out your salt in a panic it genuinely could just be that my body is a piece of shit even when normal salt is given to it.

[casspurrjoybell-33]

Wreckless - The Payment

*Warning Adult Content*

Emmett

I don't wake up until almost eight a.m and Finnegan is still sleeping deeply.

He's so soundly asleep that he doesn't even react when I get up and out of bed.

I check after I hit the bathroom but nope, still out like a light.

He's tired, he's been working too hard even in Michigan with no company so I can't imagine how much worse it'll get.

Luckily I'll be able to keep an eye on him... I still don't know what to do today.

I'm not used to planning out sex... Sex escapades? Sexcapades?

Usually me getting lucky involves being drunk and/or lucky and it just sort of happens.

Back in the army it consisted of finding the guy or guys that it was easiest to get away with for a quick blowjob or rather hasty fuck in the barracks or back of a Humvee.

The problem is that I want to get started right now and also to make it last all day.

Those two things are sort of opposed.

Yes, I could go in there now and he wouldn't mind being woken up.

Heck, a sleepy fuck is a great thing and he could nap later.

I can't help it, I keep thinking back to playing with him on the couch and that's closer to what I need after missing him for so long.

He comes down the stairs with crazy hair, wearing nothing but cute little briefs and his cup dangling from one hand.

"You were gone," he mumbles.

"It's late, sleepy head but I wanted you to sleep as long as you wanted."

I pull him into a hug and he sort of melts against me.

I can't help but notice that he is in full-on little mode.

I'm not sure I've ever seen him so into headspace, even when we play.

I'm going to try not to ruin it and sex gets put on the back burner.

I lead him over to the couch and cover him up with a blanket, then find him some cartoons.

"I'm going to make breakfast, do you need anything?"

He holds his cup up towards me.

"Chocolate milk... if I can't have tummy cummies please."

'Tummy cummies... Dear Lord.' 

I want points for not reacting to that but maybe it's sort of my fault since I guess I started that last night.

I don't mind it, sounds sweeter than choking on my cock.

[Yes, semen does contain actual nutrients including vitamin C, B12, ascorbic acid, calcium, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, zinc, potassium, sodium, fat and protein. But this is no reason to add it into your daily intake just yet as the portion of the same is too tiny to be of any help.]

"Chocolate milk, coming up."

I use his Spiderman cup since he handed it to me and it has a lid so I can shake the crap out of it after putting in the chocolate syrup.

He's practically buried beneath the blanket when I give it to him.

"Would you like eggs?"

He sticks his tongue out and makes an awful face.

So that's a hard no.

"Pancakes? Or waffles? Or french toast?"

"Okay, I'll surprise you."

Pancakes sound good and I debate trying to make him some crazy mickey mouse or a dinosaur shape or something and instead make what my mom always made for me, small ones she called silver dollar pancakes.

I always loved them because there was no cutting needed... I could just shove them into my mouth.

Maybe he'll like them too.

While the batter is resting I make us each a fruit cup and before long we're ready to eat.

"Come and eat, Finnegan."

He takes his time but he's finally walking towards me, completely wrapped in the blanket.

No wonder it took him so long.

"You're gonna get the blanket all syrupy."

"No I won't. I'm cold."

I can fix that.

"Here, give me the blanket and I'll give you my shirt. How about that?"

He takes that deal and I drape it over the empty chair.

I'm plenty warm... I've been up and moving and at the stove.

He's still half asleep which is why he's chilly but the pancakes should help.

"Is that one mine?"

"Yep, do you like them?"

I didn't make myself little ones... they take forever... so much flipping.

"Yes, very much. Syrup?"

I pass it over and soon they're islands in an ocean of syrup.

This boy and condiments but really... he's like that about lots of things.

More is always better.

It's probably why he's so good at his job and well... I'm not complaining about him wanting lots of other things.

"Would you like to go to church today?"

He wrinkles up his nose.

"I should but I don't wanna adult. No, not going. Is that okay?"

"Of course."

"These are yummy."

He's spearing them two at a time to eat them... See? More.

"Emmett, do you have a Switch or PlayStation or something?"

I can switch... I don't HAVE one. 

"No, sorry."

"Can we get one? Hey, I had a dream about us."

I'm very, very curious.

"Did you? What was it about?"

"All I remember is us riding a dragon. It was red and breathed fire. Oh... I think it burned my factory down. That's not a nice dream."

He laughs when he tries to spear a raspberry but it slides up out of the bowl.

"I'm sure your brain is sorting things out the best way it can. I'm glad I was in it though... that's nice."

"It was. That part was good. I'm stuffed. Well, not stuffed but I ate a very good breakfast. Thank you, Emmett. Now can we go get a PlayStation? I want to play Lego games. There's a Lego Harry Potter and a Batman. A boy on the plane next to me was playing on the Switch. We could get one of those but I think maybe a PlayStation has games you'll like too. I'll put on clothes and buy it but you have to take me. Can we?"

Where did that come from?

Well the kid on the plane obviously but still.

"Please Emmett? I don't wanna wait, wanna play today."

"Hold on, Finnegan... let me think."

Geesh he's hyper.

He needs... well he needs to be fucked properly... that will help but maybe a good fuck and then some games is a good plan.

"Okay, we'll go but if you wanna play games this afternoon you'll have to do something for me first."

"What do I have to do, Emmett?"

"You have to let me do whatever I want, babe and what I want is to play with you. Then I want to stick my cock up your tight little hole and fuck you until you scream. How does that sound?"

"No, no please. I don't want you to hurt me."

Wow, that took some effort for him to say since he's practically salivating and climbing across the table to get to me.

"Well then no Play-station."

"No. That's so mean."

"It's your choice, Finnegan. You know you'll like it a little bit and I know you need it, don't you? You've been bugging me to fuck you since yesterday and today you can get your wish but listen very carefully. A gaming system is a huge present and you're going to have to earn it. Do you understand? You're going to pay."

In more ways than one... I can't help it... it's funny.

I'm not sure we're going to get to the store if we don't leave soon.

"Time to get in the shower, Finnegan. Let's go."

[bigheckinbraindrain]

Food logging apps

As of yesterday, I have been using all 3 food logging apps for 2 full weeks. I have logged each thing I ate as best I can (all food has been logged, but sometimes the app doesn't have exactly what I ate so I do as best I can; like one didn't have Little Greek Fries, so I found other fries that were similar in calorie count).

The overall, I think Lose It is my favorite. I have a lot of 🚫items on it, but the pros outweigh the cons (haha, outweigh). I don't want to have to keep up with each of them daily, but each one has something much better than the others do. With Lose It, it feels like the most complete and useful. With CarbManager, it's food logging is the most user-friendly and the daily page is just more robust and useful. With Chronometer, the breakdowns of macros is way better.

Here's where I am with each of them:

Lose It - Overall there are a lot of 🚫 on this list, but it's not my least favorite.

Food Logging

🚫Visually, it's not appealing. At least on the computer. I actually like it's phone app but the computer app just isn't very nice.

🚫It ingests from Apple Health which is ok, except that because I enter stuff on LI, and then the same stuff on the other apps, I have to go back and find duplicates all the time. This is, I'm sure, an easy setting to fix and it won't matter when I've dropped to just using one app.

✅It seems to have most of my food

🚫While it has most of the food, it doesn't show the brand on the diary page, which I weirdly hate

🚫Zero hotkeys or shortcut buttons/clicks. I also hate that

🚫In the meal search box, if you start typing, it can auto-hover on something and stops letting you type. It's a pain

Reporting and Insights

I really like the Patterns insight. It shows me "On days you eat (...) you tend to keep you (...) lower/higher" which is super helpful already, but I'm sure it will be much more so after I've used the app for a long time

The Food Insights (where it shows what items contributed to the highest calories/sodium/fat/etc) is pretty cool, but it doesn't let you pick the date range so ... meh

Budget shows the days you were over/under on your calories. That's kinda nice but I almost never look at it. It doesn't really lend to any changes in behavior so far

Nutrition insight is useless, because there is an "Unknown" slice in the pie. And it doesn't tell you what contributed to it. How can I take stock in anything it's showing on that chart when there is such a large portion that is unknown?

The weekly summary is kinda nice, I do like this one

The weight chart is pretty clear and easy to see my trends.

CarbManager - Overall, this has the most ✅ marks, but I just don't know that it's my favorite. I think this is 100% because it's focused on carbs and that's not my goal. I feel if they were to let you choose which macro is your focus and display accordingly, this would be my favorite by a lot.

Food Logging

✅Visually, this is my favorite. It's clean and crisp, both on the computer as well as on my phone

🚫It's focus is on Carbs (I mean, it IS called CarbManager) and I don't focus on Carbs. I really really wish it would let you decide to do Carbs OR Calories as your focus.

✅It has most of the foods I'm looking for

✅It tells you the name of the brand/restaurant and even shows pictures

✅It's super easy to copy from one day or meal to another, which is awesome

✅I actually just did a recent call with them for market research. I love knowing that they're that interested in their user base and take time (and spend money) to find out user's preferences and ease of use. They did a portion that was touch-point/pain-point and I LOVE that!

🤔There are a ton of recipes on the site (which is awesome) but they are all carb-focused (again, it's right there in the name) which is not my goal. So yay recipes, boo they are carb-focused. HOWEVER, because I'm not supposed to be eating wheat and select other grains, this is actually pretty good. I'm not Keto, but I share a lot of the same needs.

🚫Your weight isn't listed on your diary page. I want to see all the info I care about in one place

Reporting and Insights

If we're being honest, the reports section is shit. I get way more useful information looking at the day-to-day charts, because the reporting section is 100% lacking

Chronometer - I really like this one, except the lack of items in the database. I think if I had no issue looking stuff up, I'd absolutely love this app. I know that if I used this long enough, and I entered in everything that it didn't have in the db whenever I found something missing, eventually it would even out and I could find everything even if it was because I entered it. But I just don't have that kind of patience or desire to put in the extra work for an app I'm paying for.

Food Logging

✅Visually, this is almost an exact mix between the other two.

🚫🚫I find a lot of the food I'm looking for just isn't here. I have to frequently find "close enough" type foods, which means that the macro summaries that I like so much aren't really accurate.

✅It's very easy to drag and drop, rearrange stuff, etc. That's really nice

🤔I always talk about how much I love the nutrient targets, but if we're being honest, I rarely look at them. It seems the only time I care about this level of depth is when I get bloodwork done and I want to see what contributed to a specific thing (like sodium).

Reporting and Insights

The nutrition report for daily averages is pretty dope. I really like this one for retrospective

[thedisneychef]

Easy Canned Corned Beef Recipe: Quick and Delicious

Hey there! I'm so excited to share with you my favorite canned corned beef recipe. It's super easy and really delicious, so it's been a staple in our house for years. Plus, it only takes about 30 minutes from start to finish - perfect for those busy weeknights! This is such an easy dish that anyone can make, even if you're new to cooking or don't have much experience in the kitchen. All you need are some simple ingredients like canned corned beef, potatoes, garlic, onions and pepper. Trust me when I say this is one meal your family will love! Maybe You Also Like: - Canned Black Eyed Peas Recipe - Canned Green Beans Recipe - Delicious and Easy Canned Peach Pie Recipe for Any Occasion What You Need I'm here to share a delicious and easy-to-follow recipe for canned corned beef. All you need are some alternative ingredients, quick fixes, and you'll have dinner ready in no time! First, gather your ingredients: canned corned beef, potatoes, carrots, celery, onion, garlic powder and butter. If you want an even quicker fix try using pre-cut veggies from the store. Once all of your ingredients are collected it's time to get started on cooking this tasty meal. Begin by sautéing the vegetables in butter until they're tender. Then add in the canned corned beef and mix together with the vegetables. Finally season with garlic powder then cook for about 15 minutes or until everything is heated through and combined nicely. Enjoy! Prepping The Ingredients When it comes to prepping the ingredients for a canned corned beef recipe, I always make sure to choose a good quality canned corned beef. It's important to read the label and check for ingredients you may not want in your dish. After that, I open the can and drain the excess liquid before slicing or cubing the corned beef. By prepping the ingredients in this way, I'm able to make sure my canned corned beef recipe turns out easy and delicious! Choosing The Right Canned Corned Beef When it comes to buying canned corned beef, I always like to compare the brands. There are a few variables you'll want to consider when deciding which brand is right for you. One of these parameters is sodium content; some brands contain more than others, so be sure to read labels carefully. Another factor in making your decision will be cost - depending on where you shop and how much product you're purchasing, prices can vary greatly. Ultimately, my recommendation is go with whichever brand has the flavor profile that best meets your needs without sacrificing quality or nutrition. After all, with something as tasty as corned beef, settle for nothing less! Preparing The Canned Corned Beef Now that you've selected the perfect corned beef, it's time to prepare! Storing leftovers is a great way to make sure your meal lasts; simply store any leftover cans in an airtight container or resealable bag and refrigerate. You can also spice up this classic dish with different seasonings like paprika or cayenne pepper for added flavor. With some simple variations of spices, you can transform this easy-to-make meal into something extraordinary. And if you're feeling extra creative, why not try adding vegetables like carrots or potatoes? The possibilities are endless - so have fun with it! Cooking The Dish Alright, now that we have prepped all of the ingredients, it's time to get cooking! The great thing about this recipe is that it doesn't take a long time to cook. Depending on your preferred stovetop method, you can either fry or simmer the corned beef in a skillet with oil over medium-high heat for 8-10 minutes. If you're feeling extra adventurous, try grilling the slices of corned beef for an extra smoky flavor and crunchy texture. When cooking with any kind of meat, it's important to make sure you reach the desired internal temperature before serving. You'll know when the corned beef is cooked through when its center has reached 165°F (74°C). It may require more or less than 8-10 minutes depending on how thick your slices are - so keep an eye out while cooking! Once ready, be sure to let the cooked corned beef rest for at least 5 minutes before cutting into it. This will help retain moisture and ensure each slice remains juicy and tender - not dry and rubbery. Enjoy! Serving Suggestions I'm excited to talk about some great serving suggestions for canned corned beef! Let's start with sides. We could have boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, or a nice green salad. As for condiments, a bit of mayonnaise or some horseradish sauce would be delicious. And when it comes to pairings, a cold beer or a glass of red wine would really complement the flavors. I'm sure there are lots of other options too, so let's brainstorm and come up with some delicious ideas! Sides When it comes to serving up a delicious meal of canned corned beef, there are plenty of amazing side dishes that can be served alongside it. From storing leftovers for later use to vegan alternatives for those who prefer plant-based meals, you have tons of options when planning your dinner. One great way to store any leftover canned corned beef is by cutting the meat into small cubes and freezing them as individual portions in an airtight container or freezer bag. This ensures that they remain fresh until ready to be used again! Plus, if you feel like being creative with your sides, you can use these frozen cubes in various recipes such as tacos or stews. Vegan alternatives also exist when it comes to pairing with this versatile dish. Roasted vegetables, quinoa salads and even baked potatoes make wonderful accompaniments! Additionally, you could opt for some vegan gravy on top of mashed potatoes for added flavor and texture - yum! Cooking up a hearty meal doesn't have to mean compromising on taste or nutrition - just get creative! Condiments Now that we've discussed side dishes, let's talk about condiments! Whether you're grilling up your canned corned beef or eating it cold out of the can, adding a variety of sauces and seasoning mixes is a great way to kick things up a notch. From classic barbecue sauce to spicy jerk marinades there are so many delicious options for flavoring this hearty meal! You could even mix together some herbs and spices or create your own special grilling sauce - the possibilities are endless. If you don't feel like getting creative in the kitchen, there are lots of store-bought seasonings and sauces that taste amazing too. So next time you serve up canned corned beef, make sure to have plenty of tasty condiments on hand! Pairings Pairings are a great way to bring out the best in canned corned beef! You can mix and match different flavors for a unique taste that you won't get anywhere else. I love combining sweet barbecue sauce with tangy mustard, or adding some citrus-infused marinade into my corned beef. If you want something more savory, try pairing your canned meat with hot sauce, sriracha, or Worcestershire sauce. There's no wrong combination when it comes to creating interesting flavor combinations - just have fun experimenting until you find one that suits your tastes. Another creative option is to pair the corned beef with sides like pickles, coleslaw, potato salad or macaroni and cheese - all of these ingredients will add layers of complexity to each bite. The possibilities are truly endless so let your taste buds be your guide! Variations And Tips I love canned corned beef, and it's so easy to make. It takes almost no time at all to throw together a delicious meal that the whole family can enjoy. I'm always looking for ways to spice up my recipes, so I thought I'd share some of my favorite variations and pairing ideas with you. When it comes to spicing things up, adding paprika or chipotle powder really does the trick. You could also use cumin if you're going for something a bit more savory. If you want your dish to be extra flavorful, try sautéing onions before adding your canned corned beef - this will give it an amazing depth of flavor! For those who like their meals extra spicy, throwing in some jalapenos during the cooking process is sure to do the trick. Pairings are key when making any kind of dish. When preparing canned corned beef, I usually serve it over potatoes or rice but there are lots of other options too. Try pairing it with roasted Brussels sprouts or a fresh salad for a lighter option. Or go for something heartier like macaroni & cheese or slaw-topped burgers on slider buns. The possibilities are endless! Whatever combination you choose, just remember: have fun and experiment with flavors until you find what works best for you and your family. Frequently Asked Questions What Is The Nutritional Value Of Canned Corned Beef? When it comes to canned corned beef, you'll find that one serving (about 3 ounces) has a whopping 230 calories and 17 grams of fat. It also contains 1030 mg of sodium - more than half of your daily recommended intake - so it's best to enjoy this product in moderation. Additionally, canned corned beef is typically preserved through pickling or brining, which means it can be stored on the shelf for long periods of time without spoiling. If you're looking for some tasty serving suggestions, try making a classic Reuben sandwich with rye bread, Swiss cheese and sauerkraut. Or mix things up by using canned corned beef as an ingredient in shepherd's pie or quesadillas! Is Canned Corned Beef Suitable For A Vegan Diet? Canned corned beef is not suitable for vegan diets, as it's a processed meat product made from beef. However, if you're looking for plant-based alternatives that are still tasty and nutritious, there are plenty of options available at the supermarket or local grocery store. Ethical farming practices should be taken into account when choosing what to buy; look out for labels such as 'humanely raised' or 'free range'. With some research and careful selection, you can make sure your meals are both vegan-friendly and ethically produced. Are There Any Special Precautions To Take When Handling Canned Corned Beef? When it comes to handling canned corned beef, there are a few precautions you should take for food safety. It's important to remember that the canning process involves heating foods at very high temperatures in order to kill bacteria and ensure safe storage, so when opening your canned corned beef be cautious of any sharp edges or steam burns. Additionally, once opened, always store leftovers in an airtight container and consume within 3-4 days. Following these simple steps will help ensure the safe handling of your canned corned beef! How Long Can Canned Corned Beef Be Stored For? Storing canned corned beef is quite easy. It can typically be stored on a shelf for up to two years before it begins to spoil. However, if you choose to freeze the meat, it will stay good for up to three months. When storing any kind of food, it's important that you keep it in a cool and dry place so that bacteria or fungi do not begin growing. Be sure to check the labeling on your product as well – some canned goods may have a shorter shelf life than others due to their ingredients or production methods. Is Canned Corned Beef Safe To Eat If The Can Is Dented Or Damaged? When it comes to canned food, you want to make sure that the can isn't damaged or dented in any way. That's because if a can is compromised in any way, there’s a risk of contamination and potential health issues from eating the contents inside. The safety of canned corned beef depends on how well the canning process was done. If it wasn’t done correctly, then even if the can looks fine, there could be bacteria growth which would make it unsafe to eat. It’s important to check cans for signs of damage before consuming them and always follow best practices when storing and handling your food safely. Conclusion In conclusion, canned corned beef is a convenient and tasty way to incorporate protein into your diet. It's also an excellent source of zinc, iron, and other vitamins and minerals that are essential for good health. With its long shelf life and easy preparation, it can be enjoyed as part of a healthy meal or snack in no time at all. However, you should always take special precautions when handling this type of food to ensure safety and optimal nutrition. And remember to check the expiration date on any cans before use - if they're damaged or expired, discard them immediately! Canned corned beef is a great addition to your pantry; just make sure you handle it with care so you can enjoy it safely. If you're looking for more delicious recipes to try, be sure to check out The Disney Chef's recipe categories! Whether you're in the mood for something sweet like a cake recipe, something savory like a chicken or pork recipe, or something fresh like a vegetable or seafood recipe, there's something for everyone. And if you're a meat-lover, don't forget to check out the beef recipes category for hearty and satisfying meals. With so many options to choose from, you're sure to find a new favorite recipe to add to your collection. Read the full article

[rootcure]

What is Hypertension? How to get it treated safely?

Taking stress has become a very integral part of human life. The habit of competing in every aspect and the never-ending hunger to get anything without a fixed limit has taken its toll on the human body.

The never-ending emotional and mental disturbance and uneasiness have created diseases for the human species.

Hypertension, also known as High Blood Pressure, has become pretty normal. Almost one person in 4 people in India is suffering from this disease, and only 12% of people have their Blood pressure in check.

So let’s go into the details of Hypertension in this article, highlighting every major aspect. And even about a homeopathy doctor near me and you to get treated safely.

What is Hypertension?

It’s a medical condition in which the blood pressure upon arteries walls is too high, which is caused when blood pressure is too high.

The more the arteries are narrower, the more pressure increases, which can lead to severe health issues in the long term, like heart disease. 

This condition mainly doesn’t have symptoms. It arrives very quickly and takes a long period to get noticeable.

So early detection is pretty tough but needs to be done to avoid damaging organs. Regular checking of your blood pressure can help the doctor to identify and treat Hypertension.

Symptoms of Hypertension

Many people don’t experience symptoms. It takes a huge period to become visible. A regular interval of checkups may help one to detect some of the symptoms.

Here are some of the noted symptoms of Hypertension:-

Headaches

Dizziness

Chest pain

Short breaths

Blurring of vision

Nosebleeds

These symptoms are present in every case. But if these are starting to show in your body, then immediately consult your doctor. And if you have a family history of High Blood Pressure, then it’s advisable to always have regular checkups with your doctor regarding your blood pressure and other symptoms which may be present.

Cause of Hypertension?

Mainly it’s caused due to unhealthy lifestyle with too much mental pressure and no proper rest of body and mind. Being overweight and having an unhealthy intake of sugar and salt with no proper exercise.

It can even occur if one has a gene or family history of High blood pressure.

It can be a side effect of a certain drug. Or due to chronic consumption of alcohol and caffeine and even certain illegal drugs.

Certain cases are very minimum where the person has problems like over or underactive or overactive thyroid gland, kidney stone, adrenal gland problems, and certain endocrine tumors.

Even age sometimes acts as a factor. Like as a person ages, they become more susceptible to Hypertension. (best homeopathy doctor near me)

Who is more at Risk?

Not only adults even small children are highly in danger of Hypertension.

A person gets to age, their chance of High blood pressure increases no matter the gender.

Family history plays a major role.

People with an unhealthy diet and no proper exercise which doesn’t make sure that their bodies are moving physically.

Having problems like obesity.

The ones who are addicted to caffeine, alcohol, and tobacco.

Over intake of sodium and potassium.

Who always remains in stress and experiences heavy emotions like anger, shouting, etc.

If certain people are going through a certain chronic condition.

So from all these risks, we even get the points we can cut off and improve to control one’s blood pressure.

Conclusion

Hypertension is a very common disease around the world which is caused due to our hectic life. People opt for medicines to keep their blood pressure in check.

But it’s better to take help from a homeopathy doctor near me and you to maintain our blood pressure.

Because it’s the safest way to health with zero side effects, and to get this treatment at its best, “Rootcure” is here to treat it’s patients with their excellent skilled doctor teams treating from the root cause of their diseases.

So let’s get treated from the root with Rootcure.

[thebibliosphere]

Hey Bibliomom. So I've had CFS/ME for the past 13 years or so, and I've only just been diagnosed. My feelings on being confirmed to have an incurable disorder rather than something that is in my head(and a personal deficit that I am therefore theoretically capable of overcoming) are... Complicated. Can you recommend any support groups/groups for people trying out and reporting on the effects of various treatments? I have been taking LDN for a few months, and I've recently started on bi-weekly b12 shots. I know it's to be expected but I always feel so gutted when a new treatment doesn't just... Fix Me. I'm looking into mestonin, stellate ganglion blocks, and getting my microbiome mapped and altering my diet based on that. It's all so much money and spoons for a complete crap shoot every time. Have any particular treatments worked well for you?

Unfortunately, there is no Fix Me cure for Me/CFS, there’s just things that help and maybe increase your baseline of wellness. Chief among them, resting while in an active flare to avoid PEM (Post Exertion Malaise.). You can do all the fanciest most expensive treatments, but if you’re not resting enough to avoid PEM, you’re just throwing money away.

The jury is still out between my doctors on whether I have ME/CFS. Some say no because I got substantially better after pernicious anemia treatment and that fatigue is a symptom of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and what I have is chronic fatigue, not chronic fatigue syndrome.

Some of my other doctors say that’s just splitting hairs. Especially when we now know I have multiple genetic disorders that were made infinitely worse following viral infections and other physical injuries.

Either way they all agree that avoiding PEM is vital at all costs. This means tailoring my physical rehab to very specifically to not push beyond my limits. If I wake up more tired than usual, I cancel physical therapy that day because going through with it can set me back days, sometimes even weeks.

We’ve also found that stabilizing my neck through physical therapy has been beneficial, as cervical instability and things like tethered cord syndrome have also been linked to ME/CFS (Jennifer Brea is a famous example.)

I’m also being assessed this week by a neuro-eye specialist to see if there’s something wrong with my eyes that a regular eye doctor might miss, just on the off chance that a misalignment is the cause of my chronic migraines, and potentially a lot of fatigue as well.

Other than that I take a crap ton of methylated micronutrients under doctor’s orders because my body struggles with the methylation process, and also I just don’t absorb food properly thanks to the EDS and MCAS, so I’m pretty much always deficient in something. Also making sure I’m properly hydrated at all times helps. It’s amazing how crummy low electrolytes can make you feel, even when you think you are adequately hydrated.

As for groups, I find the r/cfs subreddit helpful. The r/CFSplusADHD has also been helpful, though less active. Other than that I recommend following along with the ME Action Network. They post a lot of research and can be a good way to find other people in similar situations.

And to answer your other question about mast cell stabilizers: I rotate between Cetirizine and Levocetirizine at the moment (both h1 blockers), and also Famotidine (h2) when needed. I don’t find Famotidine as effect as Ranitidine, but unfortunately, Ranitidine is still off the market due to a recall concerning product instability.

I’ve also found Ketotifen (h1 blocker) helps to reduce my fibromyalgia type pain, but unfortunately I don’t tolerate it very well and it makes my migraines worse. Same with Cromolyn Sodium. That one actually brought me out in hives when I tried the oral route, but I suspect the dosage was too high. I tolerate the eye drops though.

I also take a high dose of Vitamin D3 every day under doctor’s orders. That has really helped my mast cell symptoms over the last year. It’s amazing what being low on Vit D can cause to fuck up in your body.

Other than that it’s avoid triggers, avoid stress and get plenty of rest.

I hope that helps.

[milliedazzledust]

I'll Come Back for You (Bucky Barnes imagine)

REQUEST: ANON - something where he is in winter soldier mode and protecting the scientist (y/n) where she is the only one who can sort of calm him down after a mission

ANON - winter soldier!bucky being protective over his scientist who’s forced to be take care of his health and she’s being kept there against his will too

ANON - Bucky Barnes request about how both reader and Bucky are each other support systems? It could be like a headcanon, how would the reader comfort him while how he comforts her so forth and so on

WORDS: 3506

A/N: So I don't know if I was inspired or if I just wrote too much, but I'm not sure this story's good. Anyway, feedback is really appreciated and I hope you'll like it :) (also don't forget to tell me if you want to be on my taglist ^^)

“What happened this time ?”

Her voice was only a whisper in the quiet room. The broken man silently sat on the examination table while she stuck a needle in his functioning arm. He didn’t speak, didn’t even flinch. This masquerade had started the moment she had set foot inside Hydra secret base. They had brought her against her will to take care of their most valuable soldier. It was always the same dance, rehearsed a million times since she had met him. After each mission, each murder, he’d come to her. She’d fix his physical wounds, take care of his arm and let him go.

More than often, she found herself feeling sorry for him. She knew what Hydra was doing to him, she’d heard the screams echoing in the distance. It would keep ringing in her ears for hours. Sometimes, the simple thought of picturing what he was going through was enough to bring her to tears. No one deserved to suffer this way.

The Winter Soldier was a cruel man, an assassin. She had seen him in action, had even been attacked the first time they were introduced. But despite being the necessary tool to take care of their valuable killer, she liked him. This wasn’t a place anyone could handle, not even him. And while she was aware of the danger Hydra represented, he was a different story. The man he once was had been trapped in a small corner of his mind, disconnected. His hands were his own, but his actions were dictated by an army that had invaded his head long ago. He was a machine turned on and off at will by the power of ten simple words.

“I was stabbed” Was his only answer. He didn’t give any detail, simply raised his shirt so she could inspect the injury.

“Do you feel any pain ?”

He blankly stared at an invisible point on the wall, avoiding looking at her. He was aware anyone could be listening.

“Soldier ?” She called him, stopping her movement and waiting for his response.

“I don’t feel anything” His voice was emotionless and a chill ran down her spine when he spoke. He was detached, impassive, a statue unaware he was capable of sentiment.

She cleared her throat, trying to stay focused on her task. She cleaned the wound, took his vitals, wrote down the conclusion of her examination and prepared what she needed to sew him up.

When she was about to administer the anesthetic, he suddenly grabbed her wrist. She caught her breath, frightened, but made no movement. For the first time that day, he turned his head to look at her. Whatever she saw in his eyes was enough to ease the tension in her shoulders and she relaxed.

“It’s okay” She whispered, a kind smile on her face. “This is propofol”

She knew he would recognize the name. She had spent countless hours explaining everything she was doing to him in detail so he wouldn’t be uncomfortable or scared. He was a super soldier that required extreme measures of treatment.

“No drugs,” He told her.

“You might regret that decision once I start to put the stitches in”

“I need to stay conscious,” He explicated, almost begging her. “Please”

She didn’t argue, only glanced at a camera behind her recording their interaction.

“Alright” She conceded. “I’ll switch to saline”

He nodded, grateful she wasn’t pushing. She turned her back carefully so her table was no longer in the camera’s field of view and he watched her emptying the needle and filling it with a harmless mixture of water and sodium chloride. Nothing that would put him to sleep.

“Have you ever been to Greece ?” She asked him out of the blue. He stared at her curiously. “I’ve always dreamed of visiting. It has the longest coastline in Europe, with so many islands between the blue Aegean Sea to the east, the Mediterranean Sea to the south, and the Ionian Sea to the west. Can you imagine how beautiful it must be ?”

She kept talking for a while about the country, the books she had read and the films she had seen about it. His eyes stayed on her the whole time, his head tilted to the side, wondering why she was telling him all this. Not that he minded, he loved listening to her. She had the power to calm him down. He was constantly on high alert, ready to fight whomever he was told to kill, prepared to endure whatever torture they had prepared, but this room and the woman inside were his only small moments of peace. Her voice was the music he desperately needed to sooth his soul.

“Why are you telling me this ?” He wondered out loud.

She smirked. “To take your mind somewhere else than here. Seems like it worked”

He glanced at his stomach and realized the stitches were already there. Too engrossed in her story, he hadn’t noticed or felt anything.

“How…”

“Funny how magical words can turn out to be, isn’t it ?”

She could swear she saw the flicker of an emotion on his face looking back between his wound and the woman, but just as quickly as it came, it was gone.

“Thank you, doc”

She hesitated a moment before gently taking his hand on her own.

“Be careful” She muttered. “There’s only so much I can fix”

“I will” He promised. “Are they … are they treating you right ?”

She shrugged. “If threatening to kill me is what you consider right, then I guess I’m a real princess in a castle”

He ran a jerky hand through his hair and seemed to be looking for the right words to say but never spoke.

“Can I ask …” She began, curiosity getting the best out of her. “What is your real name ?”

When his gaze fell on her, all she saw was pure panic. Her question, as simple as it may have been, had surprised him. He didn’t remember, didn’t even question anyone, because it hadn’t mattered. He didn’t need to be more than a ghost to be able to kill.

“I’m sorry” She apologized. “I shouldn’t have asked. I didn’t mean to…”

“I don’t know” He admitted.

She gulped and looked away. His eyes held too much confusion and despair. Coming face to face with the enormity that was this man’s fate was sometimes undeniably heartbreaking.

“Can I call you Winter, then ?” She suggested.

He seemed to ponder for a while before offering her a small smile. “Yes, yes I’d like that”

It hurt to see a glimpse of happiness on his face for something as simple as a name and the woman didn’t realize that what she had just given him was the shred of an identity. A tiny piece he would hold onto. He was living inside a nightmare he had no idea he was trapped into, and if she dared to help, she would pay it with her life. So all she had the power to do was give him a name. Make him feel alive again.

The next time she saw him was only a couple of days after, carried by two agents, head hanging low and barely conscious. His clothes were stained in blood and his metal arm seemed dislocated.

“Patch him up” One of the men coldly ordered. They dropped the injured soldier on the ground like he was nothing more than an object, not even human.

She rushed to his side, checking his pupils first with a flashlight to rule out any intracranial damage to his brain. She did the same on his chest with a stethoscope, searching for any potential life threatening injury. When she moved to his shoulder to inspect the metal bones, he regained consciousness. Maybe it was the sight of yet another scientist above him or the touch of her fingers on his skin, but the man was quick to react and got on his feet in no time. His human hand wrapped around her neck tightly and he pushed her body with force against a wall, choking her. She tried to speak, but the action had been so sudden and violent that she was unable to move a muscle. He was in a trance, eyes filled with hatred that she knew was not directed toward her. Whatever he was picturing in his mind had awakened the assassin. She was the threat and he was in a game of survival.

She whispered his name several times but it was only after a minute, when she was on the verge of passing out, that he seemed to realize what he was doing. He stared at her with wide open eyes and released her from his grip. Her body fell on the floor before she started coughing, struggling to catch her breath.

“I’m…” He tried to speak, looking down at his hands in horror.

“Water” She managed to whisper.

He brought the woman a bottle and tried to help her on her feet. When he reached for her, she involuntarily flinched. A pure reflex. She didn’t miss the sadness on his face as he recoiled from her.

“I didn’t mean…”

“I know. It’s alright”

“I could’ve killed you” He said it more to himself than to her.

“But you didn’t” She laid a hand on her chest, taking a deep breath to try and calm her heart rate. “What happened ?”

“You touched me,” He explained.

“I touch you all the time” When he smirked, she realized the double meaning behind what she had just said. “Hm … why would it be any different today ?” She immediately changed the subject.

“Usually, when I’m unconscious I can … sense them around me. Working on me. And I can’t move but I still feel the pain”

Once again she was at a loss of words against the heaviness that was the burden of his life.

“Are you sure you’re alright ?” He repeated almost in a childish voice.

“I’ll get over it, don’t worry” She tried to reassure him. It didn’t seem to work. He took a temptative step, making sure she wasn’t uncomfortable. He moved his hand toward her neck, deliberately going as slow as he could. His eyes stayed on hers, watching out for any sign of fear. “What are you doing ?” She said in a breath, a different kind of shiver rolling down her spine.

“I need to make sure I didn’t hurt you” The sincerity and concern she heard in his voice were unsettling. She stared back in disbelief, but didn’t move. This was the closest they had ever been and it almost felt unreal for both of them. Too good to be true, especially in a place of nightmare like this.

He tilted her head to the back, still looking at her, and softly brushed his thumb over her skin. A bruise was already starting to appear. She saw the change in his eyes, the regret and sadness when he lowered his gaze. He kept inspecting her from all angles possible, making her chuckle in the process.

“Are you done, doctor ?” She joked.

He tried not to smile but miserably failed. “Almost. Haven’t found a diagnosis yet”

This time she laughed.

“C’mon, I’m not the real patient here. I need to take a look at you” She glanced at his metal arm, still dislocated. He was avoiding using it and she had noticed.

He sighed but didn’t remove his hand from her neck. Instead, his thumb slowly reached her cheek and he gently stroked her skin.

“I wish I could get you out of here” He whispered. “You don’t deserve any of this”

“Neither do you”

He clenched his jaw and plastered a tight smile, refusing to acknowledge what she had just said. He lowered his arm and sat on the examination table without saying anything.

“I’m gonna … hm … I’m gonna need to cut your shirt open” She gulped, trying to keep her cheeks from getting any warmer.

The man smirked and grabbed a pair of scissors nearby that he handed to her. She took it but didn’t dare to look at him, too uncomfortable by the situation. As she cut his shirt higher and higher, her hands started to shake. He could see her shifting her weight from side to side and desperately avoiding any eye contact. She was embarrassed and he was enjoying every second of it.

When finally she had taken it carefully off his body, she huffed in frustration. There was no denying that he had beyond toned muscle structure, verged into defined and well built curves.

“Is it… is it alright if I touch you ?” She allowed herself to take a glance at him, and rolled her eyes when she saw the smirk on his face.

“More than alright, doc” He teased her.

The moment her hands came in contact with his skin, he involuntarily flexed his muscles. She took a sharp breath, trying not to lose focus when she cleaned his wounds. She looked up at him to make sure he wasn’t in any pain, only to realize he was already staring. What should have been a quick glance turned into something more, a moment that lasted a little too long. When he leaned in toward her, she suddenly seemed to notice the lack of space between them. She cleared her throat and took a step back.

“Quit flirting, Winter” She reprimanded him with a playful grin.

He laughed. It was the first time she heard that sound and she couldn’t help the giggle that escaped her mouth. He looked so carefree and alive, so human. She was finally meeting the man behind the assassin, and he troubled her even more than the silent killer.

“I kinda like to see you flustered, doc”

She ran a hand through her hair, trying to hide her obvious nervousness.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” She pursed her lips to keep from smiling.

“Sure you don’t” He sniggered.

She rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna need to put that shoulder into place”

Instead of talking, he grabbed her hips and considerably shortened the distance she had put between them. Her eyes widened from both the sudden gesture and the feeling of his fingers on her body.

“Go right ahead, doc”

She leaned in toward him to have a better access to the injury, ignoring the unexpected shudder. She was practically over him, a hand on his shoulder, the other on his broad back. If he felt any pain when she pushed the bones back into place, he didn’t show.

“All good ?” He muttered, heavily breathing. She was about to ask if he was okay but the words stayed stuck when she realized how close their faces were. He wasn’t hurt, no, he was perturbed by her presence. He could smell her perfume and see the hair raising on her neck. Whatever he was feeling, she felt it too.

“Do I make you nervous, soldier ?” She said, a smile building on her full lips.

“You have no idea, doctor”

She turned to face him. They locked eyes and, for a moment, none of them moved. The atmosphere instantly changed when he bit his lips. He bent closer and closer, and this time she didn’t push back. When finally he kissed her, she froze in place. He was about to draw back when she grabbed his neck, deepening the kiss. A sensation she couldn’t comprehend took over her whole body. He didn’t rush, took his sweet time lingering his lips over hers. She could swore her knees would have given out if he wasn’t holding her in place. Her chest was fluttering and she lost all sense of time. He pulled back from the lack of oxygen, but not before caressing her mouth one last time.

“Too much?” He inquired quietly.

She shook her head, laughing. “No. Just enough”

“I’ve been dreaming of doing that for a while” He admitted.

“Quite the change of attitude. I could’ve sworn you wanted me dead only ten minutes ago” She joked.

He pouted, not particularly happy she was reminding him of his previous outburst.

“You’re all set up, Winter” She announced after one last look over his chest. “No major damage”

“Have you checked my heart ?” He joked with a smirk. “I think it’s beating a little fast”

She coughed to try and hide her laugh.

“I’m afraid that’s not fixable” She started to write her report, ignoring his lingering gaze on her. Her brain was still fuzzy from the kiss they shared. “Unless I stay away, which would probably ease your … discomfort”

“Who said anything about discomfort ? That’s a kind of pain I’d rather enjoy”

She raised an eyebrow, not missing the way her own heart palpitated.

“Don’t play with fire, soldier”

He smirked. “Between us, I’m trying to delay the moment I’ll have to go through that door again”

This time she lost all joy and raised her head from what she was writing on her report to look at him.

“You’re strong enough to leave this place, you know”

“Leave where ?” He asked.

“Somewhere you’ll find who you really are”

“Does that somewhere include you ? ‘Cause you should know I won’t go without you”

She walked up to him and took his hands.

“Save yourself while you still can, Winter” She sadly replied.

“What about you ?”

“I’m just … collateral damage” She exhaled.

He gently pressed his forehead to hers.

“I promise I’ll come back for you after that last mission”

“I’ll hold you onto that”

He planted a soft kiss on her lips, making her forget once again where they were and what their reality was.

“I’ll take you to Greece” He whispered. “Just the two of us. Wouldn’t that be great ?”

“It’s a date” She grinned, making him laugh.

“You’ve got yourself a deal. We’ll get out of here” He swore. “And I’ll take you dancing under the stars of Mykonos”

He didn’t know then that he would never have the occasion to keep that promise. They would have more moments, stolen from the chaos of this place, but nothing more. Weeks later, he would hear rumors about treason and compromising positions. He would understand too late they meant her. She was his weak point, and the Winter Soldier couldn’t have any weaknesses. She was disposable, he was an assassin with superpowers. All the recordings they had proved he no longer could be operational so long as she was still breathing.

“Buck, you alright ?” A voice suddenly spoke in the agonizing silence.

He turned around to his friend, brushing the tears he didn’t realize had started to fall. Standing in the empty room, he couldn’t move away from the dried patch of blood on the floor.

“Yeah, I just need a minute” He shook his head, trying to make the painful memories disappear.

The man behind him began to inspect the place, searching through scattered papers around a desk.

“Dr. Y/N Y/L/N” He read.

Bucky closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. The simple sound of her name was enough to widen the open wound inside his chest. He sat on the examination table one last time, without her. Forgetting he wasn’t alone, he let himself wander into his most precious memories. He remembered the taste of her lips, the smell of her perfume and the touch of her skin. Every detail engraved in his head forever.

“Did you know her ?” The person asked.

“Yeah”

The man stopped what he was doing and observed the former assassin for a solid minute. He looked heartbroken.

“Bad memories ?” He inquired.

“Not in this room” Bucky sadly smiled.

“What happened ?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Steve”

The Captain hesitated for a moment but didn’t push. He was aware his friend was still healing and whatever the place was, it was part of his pain.

“Is she dead ?” He only questioned.

He gulped and tilted his head backward to keep the tears at bay. “They took her away from me” His voice cracked when he spoke. He was not able to stop the violent sob that escaped his mouth. He wanted to say so much more but the lump in his throat was far too heavy.

“I was too late,” He whispered. “I promised I’d come back for her but I was … too …”

His shoulders started to shake as tears ran down his bloodshot eyes. Steve rapidly closed the distance between them and hugged his friend, letting him express his sadness. They stayed there until he was calm enough to take a deep breath.

“You ready ?” The Captain inquired.

The broken soldier silently nodded.

“Where to now ?” Steve asked him. “You’re free to go anywhere you'd like”

“Greece. I have a date in Greece”

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@partypoisonsblog - @tylard-blog1