#that self awareness and growth and learning and unlearning and acceptance is so so sexy of her

[whoatemyshoe]

Rina Sawayama on advice for young Asian kids dealing with the pressures of an Asian (immigrant) mom, and the importance of having a chosen family.

(Edited for shorter length)

“I think it's honestly survival isn't it? The thing I learned is, you do not have to show your true true self to everyone in the world, and you do not have to show your true true self and your true true sense of humour and your true interests to your family. Because when they are completely different people to you, when they have not grown up with the language that you have, and the culture that you have, in a different country, and they're in survival mode because they are trying to earn money to give you the best education, they're not gonna wanna chat about the things that you wanna chat about. That's your friends. Don't give that burden of them understanding you fully 150 percent, your likes and your dislikes and whatever, to your parents.

Now, becoming an age when my mum had me, I could not imagine doing what she did. When I went to therapy, I was told you don't have to show your truth to everyone. It can be a little bit different to each person, and that's fine, cause you still know your truth, you still know who you are, and your interests and your loves. So that's why the concept of chosen family is so important.

The thing that's happened with my family is that, me and my mum didn't get on for the longest time. I was a shithead teenager, like I was a bitch. It was a really bad relationship, and my mum, again, different cultures so I was frustrated why she didn't speak as good English as I wanted her to. Her English wasn't terrible, but it wasn't to a level where she could help me with homework for example. So it was a lot of frustrations there, and she was like, why are you so crazy? But now, we have distanced, and when she moved back to Japan when I was 26, it's the first time I was able to see the things that she did, and the things that she provided.

And every parent goes into parenting with good intentions. They have kids because they want to provide the best life for them, but shit happens, separation of parents happen, accidents happen, illness happens. Even when I'm a bit stressed and a bit tired, I'm not myself. So imagine having that for kids. I really believe that a lot of parents are not truly who they wanna be, because they have so many obligations and tiredness and responsibilities, and their life is crazy. And they're not able to always go back to that pure intention that they had for their children.

And I think that with immigrant parents, they moved to a country because they want to give the best life for their kids, and sometimes not able to because they're so tired, people are being racist, you know all these horrible things happening to them, but for the kids to then demand their full understanding of who they are at that moment in a completely different culture, is never gonna work, I think. And I think once realising that you do not have to get that acceptance right now, from your family in the exact way that you think right now, that releases you.

And that acceptance is something that I now get from my mum, finally in my thirties. In my twenties I didn't have it, in my teens I didn't get it. But, who has supported me at that time is my chosen family. The people who understood me, the people who really knew where I was going through, like my queer Asian friends, my queer friends, they just get it. And so thank god for them.

Don't put that pressure on yourself or your parents, cause you don't know the full picture sometimes, and even if they're fucking horrible to you, and I know people who have had horrible parents, it is not your responsibility to fix that situation right now. Just survive, get through it, maybe have that distance when you can, and you will have a so much better context, and you will be able to decide what you wanna do from then on.” — Rina Sawayama