#that everyone who thinks they're beyond hope can understand and reach for God's love and mercy before it's too late

[thebirdandhersong]

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[lemonsrosesandlavender]

Hello! Can I ask for 12, 16 and 20?

12. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

Oooh! So, I’m certainly capable of writing fic without much of it - when I wrote for Ambition: A Minuet in Power, I inaugurated the fandom tag, and still sit at 4/9 fics in that fandom. Three of those fics have one or no comments, and none of them have above 33 kudos. But the developer’s reaction to my first fic really did cheer me on. I submitted it for their Fanart Friday (*I didn’t know the usual “no sharing with creators” boundary about fic at the time) and they shared it very happily! That definitely encouraged me. Being in a small fandom, every comment and kudos meant a huge amount - but also I was just obsessed with that game and needed to let it out somehow. (I also plotted out a whole isekai “18thC Ludovico with modern Yvette” fic, but at that point I got really into sewing so I never wrote it).

I guess I sit in the camp of being able to create with very little to no feedback, but for longer projects I’m certainly sustained and fed by it. I love writing Planar Tears and desperately want to reach the plot points that I’ve dreamed of for myself, but knowing there’s some enthusiastic comments round the corner does help motivate me through the stickier bits. Getting a nice comment or reblog makes me so happy!

Also, (and this is a shout-out to you specifically @ra-scheln ) Planar Tears has been such an undertaking and having your feedback specifically has been really helpful in working out the knots in the story and figuring out what I want from it. I’d have a much harder time without you <3

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

god, too many. The WIPs are off the charts - Planar Tears, In Service of Magic, Fae Bindings, and a bunch of one shot stuff.

But… I'm assuming this means ideas only and not WIPs so... probably a Lennie/Rolan one I've been thinking about for ages, where they go to pick up supplies on the day all of the first batch of camp kids leave and the counsellors are having a party. It's an opportunity for Lennie and Rolan to park in the woods and get very frisky, but also for her to find out later that evening that there are two kids staying the whole summer - and they're two tiefling kids that's she's noticed Rolan being a little kinder to, even though he tries to keep his distance. She puts two and two together about the fact he's working there to earn the money to support them, and that he's chosen camp instead of a job he'd be better suited to for this summer because they have always wanted to go to summer camp. So they talk about it over roasting smores, and kiss, and maybe explore a little of their feelings about being respectively a half-orc and a tiefling and the bigotry they face. Lennie explains why to her, that makes her love summer camp; she felt like "just one of the kids" and not an outcast under Jaheira's stewardship, and wants to give that back. That she wants to include everyone and hopefully make the next generation more accepting - even if their parents still look askance at her tusks and her broad, powerful body. And maybe, though Rolan doesn’t really feel the same as she does about trying to change people’s minds, he does appreciate a little more why she cares about doing her work well whilst she’s there, and maybe feels like he too could put a little more effort in to help beyond just his siblings.

tl;dr filth, fluff and heart. I hope. One day it might get written!

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

I’ve talked about “people who think their worth is measured by one ability they’re really good at coming to understand they’re more than that” and “accepting your kinks/working out your feelings about them” a lot, so I’ll spare you all another disquisition on those.

Instead… hmmm. I guess that whilst I like conflict, I am always, in the end, hopeful. And I’m a romantic. Love is a motivating force to all my main characters.

I write “scowling” a lot but that’s just because of Rolan lmao.

[themidnightcleric]

TW death, transphobia, blatant suicidality, ableism, terrible thoughts u should not indulge

vent post

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..I actually don't think no one loves me. I just fundamentally believe they're wrong and will inevitably be disappointed when they discover I am a husk person not a real human being and that's my fate and believe or not most of this is related to ADHD bc I can't fix it or stick with anything and all the meds make me sick so I feel doomed to do fuck all until I rot and die. Every time I get hopeful my body betrays me. Fucking MCAS.

Icannot emphasize enough that I will take myself out of at least run off into the woods to try and live like an animal, if something does not change in the next 2 years to make it possible for me to exist in society. Like getting disability j guess would help. I am a dog. Not a person. I cannot give anymore.

it is not worth living this way. Every day is an endless punishment for all the things I cannot do and at this point the pit is so deep i will not get out.

And so like posting in this way and alienating myself are a way of pushing everyone out but simultaneously hoping somehow the cry for help will reach someone who can genuinely help me. I know this isn't me, this isn't the bigger spirit that animates me speaking this is the thing that wants to kill me, but can't even show itself to the people who say they love me. We have seen too much and the desire to destroy something significant is getting stronger. I guess this is an admission I understand su*cide bombers and crave going out burning a bank or a church or a detention center. simultaneously a desperate plea for someone to show me some kind of other way that isn't this plodding, hesitating half life. Two of my friends before I left my home state told me I should have been dead by now. I know what they meant and it's great I am alive but I don't see a future other than death. It's so close, so intimate. I go to sleep with death every night waiting for her. The funny thing is not many people I know closely have died. If they had it actually might be easier like I could live for them. But instead it feels like I'm the one who is supposed to die. I live with that every day and I know I'm not the only one but with everything that's happening I no longer can believe things will get better. I'm just trying to do as much good as I can before it comes for me. I don't see anyone who really needs me here. Or wants me bad enough to merit staying. Like it's all pipe dreams, could have beens, obligations. Fake. In the clouds.

I haven't been real since I was a kid.

I'm sorry y'all. I'm really sorry. I don't know if it will even matter when it happens. Like a candle burning out. Who is gonna notice beyond another little wave of sad posts. Currently I'll probably be buried by my family as a woman. They'll say it was inevitable. I was always so mentally unwell. Kill me and blame me for it.

I have so many ideas and so much passion but no discipline for it and frankly I feel like a piece of paper god put a sketch on and crumpled up and threw away. Like that episode of Gravity Falls where Dipper clones himself and there's a Glitch Dipper who everyone sort of feels bad for until he dies. Two headed calf. All I have ever tried to be is kind while people saw more in me than I could give or sustain. At least I got to see the stars.

My soul is good but it can't live here on this plane right now. It doesn't want to. All the people I love are fighters who metabolize everything into medicine and power for the future or at least stick around hedonistically. I am not built like that. I find no pleasure in pleasure. I am weak and too fragile to exist by myself and at every turn am reminded of this. I try to play it off as kink or funny but really, I don't think anyone can survive the level of self erasure that my system has developed.

My friend keeps telling me to play Disco Elysium but it's 40 dollars and I have to save all my $ for gas and credit card payment. To be responsible. Why do I even fucking care. I'm scared if I stop caring anymore I will just let go and become fully catatonic.

Hopefully this is rock bottom and somehow I will bounce up into a new perspective tomorrow. I pushed myself into burnout because all this messaging online about Palestine and genocide is like you aren't doing enough and that really really works against my ability to do anything like the PDA I cannot help and have been fighting my whole life to just like, brush my teeth. I can't watch these people beg for help and so many turn away in hatred and then not even make phone calls. I am trying to look for the helpers but I think the fascists want to kill all of us.

It's gonna take a miracle to get through this winter. I wish I could show somebody how desperate I feel. The pills are right there. I never get rid of them. I could do it tonight. But I won't.

I don't know how long you have to scream for help. I don't think it helps anyone. People fall down the spiral. Maybe there is something to live for for others but for me, it's all conjecture. I have full responsibility to bring about everything that I could live for. If I give up, it doesn't happen. If I give up, the good things in this world go on without me. No one ever knew me really. I feel so fundamentally separated & invisible.

I'm mad I feel this way and am wasting my life talent and time. I am tired of being depressed and low key a shitty friend. I am ready for God to take me and use me for some new form of life that has a fighting chance to be something.

If only that weren't just a delusion. I wanted my life to mean something and leave a mark but at the end of the day this voice tells me it's not even worth that, that no one will remember me.

Pathetic. Jesus. How do you fight this.

I'm tired.

I'll keep fighting another day at a time. But there's no way to be okay right now. I have to live with this person the world has made me into and let go of who we could have been with more love.

[vaguely-concerned]

I think I just realized that in the end and despite uh. y’know the everything you can imagine, I actually prefer the drama version of guardian over the book version, just because the drama version of weilan sort of Hit Differently for me personally on a lot of levels? 

because in the drama it’s not even so much that shen wei fell in love with kunlun/zhao yunlan (though god knows he did that too don’t get me wrong lol) -- it’s that zhao yunlan gifted him the idea of a future worth having. and to shen wei zhao yunlan is that future -- the message and the messenger.

what if, in your darkest moments, the actual irrefutable voice of the future came to you and told you ‘I know it’s hard to believe right now, but it will get better. there will be something more than this someday; this pain isn’t all there is. it will be worth it’??? what then??????? would one have no recourse but to venture into the precarious waters of hope forevermore?????????????? and then afterwards you realize the future could come to you to tell you those things with love because due to timey wimey reasons you gave those words and that love to them first when THEY needed it, without even thinking about it, just because it was true. “You’re worth it, and the world is worth it”. I am losing my mind.

I mean yeah if I were bb!shen wei who’d only known struggle and loneliness and war and then suddenly the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen turned up out of the blue one day and looked at me as if I were the single dearest, most precious thing in the universe and promised me life would one day hold so much more than pain and he can prove it, he IS the proof… I think I would have no choice but to fall inconsolably in love with him forever too what the fuck

for illustrative purposes, you understand

before zhao yunlan shen wei doesn't even have a proper name, just like... a description. he's made himself a tool of grim utility for a worthy purpose, and the people around him have all just let him because they need him to be that. until one person finally came along and asked him to take the mask off (”You’re a person, not a knife” oh my god ;___________;) and saw him, and in the act of being seen and returning that gaze he could become someone, could suddenly conceptualize life as something more than constant struggle. I mean zhao yunlan is literally his introduction to what's sweet in the world, the show is not being subtle about it. (and in fact goes about showing it in the single most suggestive way I can imagine short of having a dildo or possibly actual fellatio going on on screen, which I hugely respect and admire them for artistically)

(and then there’s this whole Situation from the POV of zhao yunlan, who -- as he confesses in the car scene where they pretend they’re talking about poor zhu hong’s feelings (lol) -- has reached the conclusion he’s simply not made for love; he can’t get it right no how hard he tries and it just hurts people, so everyone’s better off if he stops striving for it. and then imagine finding out that once, when it mattered most, with the person who mattered most, you did get your love across so well it kept them going for tEN THOUSAND YEARS and then beyond. he made shen wei feel so loved and so secure in the existence of goodness in the universe that he has enough hope for the both of them even at the end of the show, when everything's gone wrong and all hope should be lost -- but it isn't, because their lives really truly touched each other and that stays, even beyond death. death can claim so many things, but not that they loved each other, that they will love each other no matter where they go. and while it's left up in the air in the show itself the structure of the story says that they WILL meet again, because that's already the shape the story is told in, that is the pattern. shen wei's hope is not unaccompanied by proof, and now they're both in on it. what do you do with your brain after that other than just idk go lie down for a century, that’s certainly how I feel right now.)

the way he gazes after him like a man softly surprised to have found the answer to the question of life, the universe and everything in an unexpeced kitchen drawer or something. god

like this is a depth and richness of thematic meaning this trash show should not be able to support and yet!!! between the horrid cgi nonsense and bizarre pacing and stilted dialogue this is what the story is about and it’s so FUCKING good what the hell (personally I prefer the pacing of the relationship in the drama -- they spent all their good pacing budget on that to the detriment of every other aspect of the show, so thank fuck it’s the most important part haha). I do really enjoy the book too but it doesn't make me borderline incoherent with emotion quite like this

[doublekrecs]

can you headcannons for atsumu, kageyama, and suna on the team finding out about your secret relationship and they're surprised because you're kind of a known player?? ty

a small secret ft. miya atsumu, kageyama tobio, and suna rintaro

a/n: i love this idea and writing it was actually super fun!! hope u enjoy this lil anon - fairy

warnings: mentions of sex

kageyama tobio

kageyama is a quiet dude who’s obviously more reserved and private about his relationships. people knew him as that talented volleyball player  with a cold demeanor.

meanwhile, you were more open about things like this. people generally knew who you were dating or who you had a thing with.

with that being said, you and kags would be the most unexpected couple ever.

while hinata’s grades were thriving under the tutoring of yachi, kageyama was still pretty bad at school. that’s when a teacher assigned you to help him.

he didn’t really care about his grades, just volleyball, but he was smitten with you, his pretty tutor.

he’s heard about you and your boy toys before, but you seemed so sweet and mindful and easy to talk to. you accommodated his needs and he slowly fell in love with you for that. 

fast forward, he gives this nervous ass confession because he couldn’t take it anymore and prepared himself for rejection cause a pretty thing like you could easily have anyone else. to his surprise, you agreed to go on a date with him.

he wanted to be more quiet about it because he didn't see a reason to be open about your relationship. though, if people found out, you wouldn’t mind. you wanted people to know you were dating your pretty boyfriend.

sometimes you would mention this to him and he would get flustered.

“baby, are you ashamed of me?”

“what? no, why?”

“it’s just that i don’t understand why we have to be a secret. i know i have a reputation and all, but i want people to know i'm dating a pretty boy like you.”

you didn’t even think much of anything you said, but tobio was fucking blushing

“what baby?”

“pretty?”

you laughed and gave him a small kiss on the cheek

“forget what i said about our secret, i’ll go get you some milk pretty boy.”

he got a nosebleed after that sentence

of course, he wouldn’t willingly tell the team. he didn’t see a reason to unless one of them tried to get with you, but he knew damn well none of them would try.

but when hinata’s nosey ass noticed that kageyama was on his phone more during practice, the secret was basically doomed.

“who are texting ka-”

“none of your business!”

“is it a girlllll?”

and kageyama’s eyes widened as he forgot how to form a sentence

“n-n-no!”

“liar!”

one day, practice ends early and he rushes to the convenience store to get some milk before he went to your house to surprise you. coincidentally, you were at the convenience story, too.

the rest of the team eventually catches up to him.

“tobio?”

once he heard his name from you soft lips, he looked to the right and there you were, gorgeous as ever. you felt a exhausted, but he thought you looked like you were glowing. and so he wrapped an arm around your waist while you looked at the milk together.

“you know, i was going to bring you some milk.” you spoke shyly. he gave you a peck on the cheek.

“oh, really?” he smiled. you were thoughtful

“yeah.”

he reached for two milk boxes. one being his classic plain milk and some strawberry milk he knew you would like. he poked your side and you laughed and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. and another. and another. luckily, there weren’t that many people in the drink isle.

“tobio, what if someone sees?”

“there’s no one here.” he said, grabbing your hand as you two walked up to the cash register. 

and nearby, you were met with the shocked faces of karasuno’s volleyball team.

“i knew it!! kageyama has a girlfriend! that’s why he keeps staring at his phone during practice!” hinata’s fiery hair sparked up at the satisfaction of being right.

“oh, (y/n)! how did you end up with him of all people? he’s so mean!” hinata continued to malfunction.

“for once, i agree with shrimpy here.” tsukki added.

kageyama was flustered, but hinata’s comments only changed his facial expression to one that’s more psychotic.

“yeah, i think i remember hearing oikawa trying to get with her, right (y/n)?” tanaka asked. kageyama looked at you shocked. he didn’t remember you telling him about this. 

“yeah, he did,” you responded, tanaka nodding as you spoke, “but i already kind of had someone in my life.” you face heated up as your grip on kageyama’s hand tightened.

“i can’t believe my kouhai got a girlfriend before me.”

miya atsumu

tsumu was proud of the fact he was dating you. he liked the fact that you were able to pin him down and he was also able to pin you down as well. you were one of the few things he often thought about that wasn’t volleyball.

beforehand, you were constantly going on dates with random guys, constantly being disinterested, constantly getting the same plain moves, constantly being bored. 

sure, tsumu had his fangirls, but you had a fair amount of random guys pining after you. you were pretty, easy to vibe with, and fun to be around. 

you had classes with the infamous setter, but didn’t pay much attention to him. after all, he was probably busy with his fangirls. he would have to make an effort in trying to get to know you.

while tsumu is very good at sweet talking girls, he didn’t know how to sweet talk you.

he’s seen many failed attempts and noticed how you wouldn’t stay with a guy for longer than a week.

but it turns out that you were good friends with osamu. oh god, he hoped you guys were strictly platonic. 

so when you started coming around their house more to hang out with samu and cook together, he used his chances to just talk to you. he wanted to get to know you better. but he knew that you were probably in love with his twin brother by now.

you and tsumu vibed!! samu noticed, but decided not to say anything. after all, you did help him get a date with your friend in exchange for cooking lessons.

“do you like osamu?”

“no? what gave you that idea?”

“i mean, you always come over and cook with him and i really like talking to you while you’re here-”

you shut him up with a kiss

and as you came around more for reasons beyond cooking lessons, it eventually bloomed into a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks.

kita noticed how tsumu would be in a rush to leave after practice. you guys really only had certain times you could see each other due to the fact that you wanted to avoid his scary fangirls. you had an image that wasn’t all positive and when they find out that you’re dating tsumu, you knew it was going to get worse.

you waited on the side of the gym nervously making sure that the area was empty. the sight of you with tsumu’s practice shirt, which he left at your house the last time he was over, is a blatant sign that something was going on with you two. for months, both of you have been good at hiding it, but you wondered when you can feel the relief of being in an open relationship. while sneaking around was really hot, it was also very stressful.

“y/n.” the sound of your name coming from his lips made you feel.. things. things you weren’t used to. and you would never get used to the smile that came after you turned around and looked him in the eyes.

“you left this at my house. i thought you would need it.” you responded with a small smile on your face. you awkwardly stuck out the shirt in front of him, the atmosphere full of tension. god, it would be nice to kiss him right now. he looks all sweaty, hard at work, and the shirt he was currently in was a little too small. wow. that’s kind of hot.

almost like he read your mind, he moved forward and you backed up until you hit the wall. he leaned in closer and closer until his lips planted into yours. it was a deep, passionate kiss that quickly heated up with each passing moment. and it kept going with your teeth tugging onto his bottom lip as he pulled away. it felt like the sun had decided to turn it up a degrees.

a deep cough interrupted you two and you immediately pushed him off.

“so this is why you’ve been leaving practice a little early, tsumu?” kita asked, a small smirk on his face. osamu and suna snickered.

“i'm amazed that a shithead like you was able to get (y/n) of all people.” while you did love your boyfriend, you did need to laugh.

“shut up samu!” 

“just make sure you use protection. you better come back to practice in five minutes.” kita gave a threatening glare in tsumu’s direction.

suna rintaro

suna is also pretty quiet and reserved like kageyama.

similarly, he doesn’t see a reason to have a public relationship. he likes that he has intimate moments with just you two. he likes that there’s still guys pining after you, but he knows they’ll just be disappointed because you’re his. every rejection satisfies him.

although, you also tend to be a natural flirt and suna trusts you. he knows that you’re all talk and it makes keeping the relationship a secret even easier.

you guys start becoming friends through a project. the team knows about you two being partners, but of course they don’t think about it much. you’re pretty hot and tsumu makes a few comments about that.

he gets annoyed, but he does confess and all of the sudden you guys are having fun in his bed. fuck atsumu’s horniness dude.

eventually, the project is done and you two seemingly go your separate ways. 

in reality, he comes to your house after every practice. you sneak him bento boxes in his locker when no one is around. he leaves you little snacks in yours.

you know that he loves those jelly fruit sticks, so you have them ready every time.

one day, you see that the volleyball club needs a manager. so, why not sign up and surprise your boyfriend? you’ve never been able to see him practice anyways.

kita relays the news to the rest of the team. suna is secretly happy because now you can watch his spikes and hopefully he’ll look cool for you.

everyone’s a little surprised because what does this hot girl heartbreaker gain from being their manager? is atsumu that hot? did she hear about osamu’s cooking skills and trying to ease her way into getting some good free food? is kita that hot??

nonetheless, you continue to do your job and silently appreciate your boyfriend. he basically acts like you don’t exist during practice, but you don’t mind. you know you two will be in the sheets later anyways and that’s enough attention for you.

but atsumu,,, he gets on his nerves

“so you’re our pretty new manager, aren’t ya?”

you turn and your sight is met with a sweaty miya atsumu. suna overhears this and suddenly his ears perk up. what the hell is atsumu planning?

you turn to suna. normally, you would respond back and he knows that, so that’s what you do. you turn back to tsumu and flash a friendly smile.

“yeah. i guess i am. and you’re the hot sweaty volleyball player with the ten thousand fangirls?” you pulled your lower lip with your teeth as you looked up at him.

“yeah, i don’t have to introduce myself, then.” 

and it goes on like that for ten minutes. it was sweet talking at first, but now you two are just casually getting to know each other. he’s telling you things about the team and giving small tips for your manager position. it was honestly helpful and you eased into the conversation. it was just like two friends.

although, suna seemed a little distracted. aran was trying to talk to him, but his words seemed to flow into suna’s ear and come out the other. aran noticed he was staring at something and once he figured it out, he let out a silent prayer for tsumu. what was this?? he had seen you talk to guys before. he’d seen you be a playful flirt. and he had to problem with it. you would push them away at some point. but seeing you talk to atsumu sparked something in him. 

and then he snapped, walking directly towards you. he ignored the questioning looks of his teammates and snaked an arm around your waist until you faced him. he was warm and you wanted to melt into his touch so bad, but your brain reminded you that this was supposed to be a secret.

“baby what are you do-”

and suna planted a warm kiss on your lips. his tongue forcefully slipped past your mouth and you melted into it. you knew you would have a good time later. a few wolf whistles were heard, but you were too dazed to acknowledge them.

“oh no! our poor manager is dating suna!” 

[ryanbydefault]

Vacuity (a small script)

the girl: haha you think about these things. I know you do. These things that seem far, far beyond your reach. These things right in front of you. I imagine that the further that I can get them, the more you'll think about them, be ripped apart. I'm very entertained by the idea of suffering, in relation to you because I view you as a suffering thing, a thing that should suffer. I can't say that there is any particular reason besides that I feel that way and it is my right to feel that way until I don't, with those times being very lucky times for you, my "compassionate" moments. It took me quite a journey and some time to decide this. I've learned so much and seen so much and among them, you the most minuscule. I'm not sure if anyone felt this way before I did, before I was born. No one knows, that's the funniest part, because then they'll see that I'm not quite what they thought I was. I imagine the world to be a moral and compassionate world and if they were to see that, then I might be alone, which I don't imagine, in my lifetime I ever will be, but if they find out it will be the absolute end of you, considering that I just must go "off of the deep end" then, and be completely dedicated to my own darkness. I would hope to take the world with me, then, because if not I imagine that I'd be alone, which, again, in my lifetime, with who I am and everything, I never will be.

the boy: I've never been concerned with being alone. I've always been more afraid of becoming bored or possessed with the wrong thing. I was born alone, with my father, who told me once that it's better to be alone than to be a tramp in in the local national rag, you know. Someone who wasn't taught manners, good personal manners. I've also never been concerned with darkness. I remember all the prayers from my parochial school better than I remember my own name, with all of who I am and everything, in regards to a name. I'd probably never say that "with all of who I am and everything". It seems more necessary to say than snooty.

the girl: I'm getting sick.

the boy: a very cunning response. I understand what it takes to maintain ones own very, very personal perceptions of the world otherwise, in your case, more so defined, officially as delusions, necessary delusions, and the desperate world who seemingly needs to believe in anything or a world too hell bent on relativity. You see, that's a great thing when it creates empathy, relativity. It's what waters the best, good things in the world. Then, there is the massive delusion fed by need. You see, you, what you have told me is that you need something. You need something like a sedative, a voodoo doll and a boyfriend. You're very easily crushable because the thing that you fear is aloneness which is one of the easiest things to create in the entire world. The world, as you said, being "hopefully as sadistic as it is compassionate". It's not like a flower. There will never not be water and sun. You get it. They come back in the same places every year, the deciduous daisies and dandelions. What they need is naturally available because the world is deserved of nurturing, it's the job of a thing that makes something to maintain it, in one way or another. The things that you don't know about, like how large the universe is and how absolutely small your are in your stature, metaphorically, in your needs, in your emptiness, in your opinions.

the girl: I don't know what you're talking about!

the boy: you're dead, in one way or another, and you're not much to look on, you have the kind of face that needs money, you know, because money creates codependency or fame and lots of bottom feeders / opportunists, which the world will never be empty of, you're a succubus, you need for someone in the world to actually love you, which I don't, I can say, and I say this because your fixation on me had to come from some idea that I need you to look on as much as you need to look on to me, but you need to have someone weaker to love you, which I guess you assumed was me, someone you can look on and look down on, again, I am not your candidate, I walk with closed eyes and take in everything, these weaker people, not that they REALLY exist outside of something created to keep you "sane", this is to balance off all of the bottom feeding , those moments when you look in on a deaf heart and an open hand and you just very much want to kill yourself because you've realized that no one really loves you and no one ever truly will because they're all like you. you've created that, one small suicide cult, built up on the back of a huge delusion, that anyone gives a fuck. You're mommy's too busy, you're daddy's not there, your parents hate you deep down somewhere because they know exactly what you are and they actually love one another. They actually still love each other. You are, somewhere deep down, the enemy. Everyone real wants real love, in one way or another, that's why, that's how you got here no matter how much that sucks. You'll never see me again in your entire life , at least not because that's what I've ever wanted, and if God here's me, but I thought you should know that your a shit person and that doesn't go well with a face like that, if you wanted to know how I felt.

the girl: but, I thought... Yeah right! Do you know who I am?

the boy: I truthfully don't care. I can say that I tried, you know, at some point, to look through my heart eyes and for no reason at all, maybe it was a rebound. I'd lost my girlfriend right before that. I was a bit heartbroken. Okay, I was completely crushed but, the point is I don't care who you are and there is no mistaking who I am. It's all really just DIE. You're the kind of person who has ghost written poetry because there's nothing there, really. Bye-Bye.

the girl: look I want someone else! Slit your wrists!

the boy: I've only seen you once.

the girl: I want someone else, you hear me! Slit your wrists.

the boy: I don't understand what that has ever had to do with me.

the girl: me? seriously, me?

the boy: it seems your tone and demeanor have changed quite a bit hahahahahhahha upset?

the girl: seriously, come on, that?

the boy: what?

the girl: that?

the boy: I think it's best that you seek help

the girl: you can't be serious!

the boy: think about everything that I've said and what you know and ask yourself if any of it makes sense? besides I've never attempted suicide over a woman.

[an-idiot-but-a-bit-more-refined]

I was laying in bed thinking of something and this made me laugh  for like a split second, then I got mad and then I started crying a little because, I imagined that I was a lecturer and I had to teach a group of Baby Swen about why their new fandom home was the way it was.

Me: Hello Babies, Mommy's back!

Student in the back: Sweet! Evil Queen references.. Umm, professor, I have a question.

Me: Yes?

Student: Why are our fandom grandmothers, mothers and aunts against Eddie and Adam writing Swan Queen?

Me, sighing gently: Darling, we're not against them writing it, but we have our reservations on the way they ARE writing it and most likely would attempt to write it.

Student in the back seems confused. Pauses slightly before nodding. I write down a topic that blankets the class discussion. "Swan Queen". BABY SWENS WHISPER AND SNICKER WITH EXCITEMENT, but I sigh once again. Someone notices

Student: Professor?

Me: Yes?

Student: What's the matter?

Me, slightly conflicted to do said discussion, but I feel it is needed.

Me: The issue the fandom is facing my dear younglings has to do with an ever running war on Tropes, Tokenism, Sexism and just all around 'fandom fuckery' as we've coined it. Some of you- rather, most of you may be familiar with how savagely Swen are dogged for wanting something that represents this current day and age. Be it a fairy tale that's never been told, or simple recognition in a way that does not make us feel as though we've been given a half-assed story that's tossed after it's done what writers and show runners believe it's supposed to...no-no, Your home- THIS home is a home that has to fight for the equality so that the younger generation may reap the benefits of the fight. Now, this may sound tragic- or seem catty, but I assure you, Swen are not known to be such. We like to leave that to...what was that other group's name, again?

Student with all the smart ass comments whom I adore: Crap tainted Swan!

Me: Yes, them.

I begin to write down a few categories and immediately hands go up.

Student: Professor, what exactly do you mean when you say- they will fuck it up?

Me: Precisely what I wrote. The Swan Queen fandom is not fond of being lied to, deceived or played for fools my young one. We know as well as anyone that 'pushing' is a thing for two overly hetero-normative men who run to Captain Swan with open arms and away from Swan Queen with eyes shut and ears deafened, will somehow manage to mess up a perfectly good story to tell.

Student somewhere in the corner: And when you say they'll make it more difficult- what does that mean?

Me: It means that Our ladies are difficult apart- NOT together and yet the writers seem to bring that as some valid way to deter the pairing. They believe by forcing these characters to appear as though they'd be difficult together would make it hard for them to have a lasting relationship. Trying to deter someone by creating this aura that they simply can't be around one another long enough before they become snarky and catty for all the wrong reasons is absolute bull. If anything- we have proof of countless times they have preferred to be with one another simply because it was obvious of the safety they felt. The care and concern they felt.

Student: Oh, so you mean like- Regina's stubborn and sassy and sarcastic when she and Emma are apart and when they work together, she's still sassy and sarcastic it's just in reference to everyone else and not Emma... it's like they're trying to make you think that Regina can't stand being around Emma when the only time we see the real Regina is when she's with Emma-or Henry-

Me, highly impressed: -exactly!

Another student in the front raises their hand: So, that ties into your next point of it being predictable doesn't it?

Me: It does. Have you all seen the consistent template that's written for a queer character?

They all nod and someone with a good bit of brains stands up to go on a miniature rant.

Student: Yeah, I have and it sucks. There's always the one gay character- (he manages to say with an eye roll.) But then there's all these other 'templates' that are stereotypical. Like if they do marry Emma off to Hook and she magically realizes she doesn't love him or that she's gay, they use Regina and it becomes that thing where the lesbian or in Regina's case- the bisexual, quote on quote 'turns' the straight housewife and she realizes she never needed a man; just some good love.. Or one of them dies- or in their case, both of them apparently.. isn't that what was happening in season six?

Someone whispers, Lexa deserved better and puts up a fist. Other students nod at the other baby Swen and agree.

Student who laughs sarcastically all the time: Or how about this one, She realizes she's not gay either after a bunch of passionate nights with Regina and then she goes back to.. the one handed wonder.. God, don't let her get pregnant-

Other Student yells in pain: -DEAR GOD, PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME IMAGES OF ANOTHER WHINY VERSION OF HOOK! But let's not forget the ones who argue all the time and can't keep a stable relationship and are secretive and all that other junk the L Word made beyond obvious.And if that's not bad enough, they both get beards and are tortured for seasons with men they have no chemistry with and these are women who have chemistry with brick walls and can't even make that shit work-

Me: -Alright.. alright, focus. Yes, these are the templates I'm referring to. But let us not forget the ones that gay male characters also go through.

Someone snorts because they only have one template for gay males.

Student: You mean they're difficult and mysterious and cute little twinks who get thrown with other cute twinks or big buff guys with daddy issues and bam- magical ending?

Me: Correct..moving on.. The third points says-

I'm interrupted as they all say it together

Students: Tokenism!

Me: This is just the TV way of saying affirmative action.. Fanciful in meaning isn't it?

Student: It's trash!

Me: Yes, I do suppose it is... however, would someone like to express why the word tokenism still would apply to Swan Queen?

Hands immediately go up.

Student: Well, if we're being honest here, We already got it once before and we don't even know what the deal is with that story anymore...Swen fears that tokenism can still be a thing for Swan Queen because Eddie and Adam only attempt Swan Mills episodes when their ratings drop and as that becomes a case, so does the question of will they just do Swan Queen to stay on the air and never explore it the way they should... We've been hearing of season seven being the final season and our worry is no longer that they will fuck it up. Quite frankly we don't even want them to write it anymore, we'll take it off their hands and make our own show out of it. The problem arises when they create the asinine plan to use it as a last minute crutch to 'go out with a bang' or something. Like, What if this season completely tanks it and season seven is in fact the last season,right? They get the plan, Hmm maybe we should do Swan Queen in the last episode and that'll justify all of the crap we've put these people through, just to say they did something some grande and amazing thing for us, when in reality, they were trying to save their shitty revenue.

Student directly adjacent: Can I add on to that?

Other student nods.

Student: It really is sad though when we were willing to settle for anything- any sort of thing, just to know we were being heard no matter how much we fought- no matter how much our fandom grandmothers have fought. I think deep down, a lot of us know they just won't do it, like they really won't and even if they do, the luxury of it has just faded. The luxury of it would have faded and they'll try to force it to be overly gooey and 'loving' or cutesy when that's not what we asked for. We asked for a story that was true to life and very much so a proper representation for us all. We asked for a story that proved that strong women can work together and fall in love with one another. That they go through ups and downs and doubts and sticking things out and believing in one another and all of the other good things we've seen.... If we get it, if we are blessed enough to have Swan Queen- We'll be happy, but we'll be tired. We'll be exhausted and still disappointed that it had to come to this for us to be heard... I don't think we'll ever be as happy as we were the first day in season one when they met, if only because of the pain and heartbreak and the amount of horrible things that have been said to us just seems to, hit too many nails in our coffins. The fight will never be over, and we have accepted that, but I think everyone's getting tired of having to fight for something that shouldn't even be in question... and it's not to say we've lost our drive or we're losing hope. We're just done with trying to tell men who clearly don't understand that this is a revolution that needs to happen. This is a change that needs to be seen.. we're done trying to prove something we have too much evidence for to still be called delusional and reaching and all those other things. Everyone's tired of watching some forced 'chemistry' dictate how women should be treated and seen in this world. We're tired of seeing people be criminalized and denied a second chance at a love that won't leave or die on them i.e Regina.. We're done and we are tired of feeling like what we watch is what it will always be- nothing but a dream, an illusion... A fucking fairytale.

Silence encompasses the room and everyone thinks on it. (I legit cried when I thought about this part, so I'm sorry)

Me: We are tired, young ones.. we are, but we fight for us and we fight for you until it's over. We march for us and we march for you until we die and you are right, we have not lost hope.. we've just lost that many damns to give on speaking to a group of people who choose not to understand.... And maybe it is true, maybe we truly won't be fulfilled even if they do give us what we asked for.. what we've pleaded for.. and maybe it will make it all seem like it was in vain and maybe we will feel like we've accomplished nothing because we had to force hand for them to cave or pressure them... your grandmothers, mothers and aunts for this fandom realized many things.. we will not force anyone to give us anything. We will peacefully protest the injustice, but if we are not given what we rightly deserve.... we move on from trying with them and you know what we do? We make a world of our own. Eddie and Adam didn't give Swan Queen life... we did, and you did. They didn't see what we saw. They didn't understand it and they clearly didn't want any part of it, but the dream lives on. The reality lives on- the world keep spinning and life goes on and guess what, so will the memory of Swan Queen....Now I need you all to say this last point with me..together we will do this..

Even if nothing happens. Even if your words fall on deaf ears to some, remember the many that you have made hear you. Remember the many who sat with you and held your hands and kept you together...when things fall away and the glamour goes goodbye, remember your reality, your worth and yourself in all of this- Remember YOUR fight.. Through all things, every hard moment and every distressing situation.. for every negative message- comes ten thousand positive soldiers. Fight on and keep hope..

When you open your mouth and words come out and you say "May I have your attention please?" Remember that those who listen are those who wish to hear.... Remember that your fight is a plea to be heard and someone will listen.. remember that actions and words are one and you fuel them. Remember that when the world around you dies- you are to flourish and bring light back to it... remember that you fight for you just as you fight for me and I do the same... remember from now until the end of time that you've done your part in this world and if it never happens... still, keep hope, because maybe, just maybe...one day it will

With Love, Megan